World Cup 64 RP Thread

by **New Sideburn** » Sat Mar 30, 2013 4:06 pm

Welcome to the Dressing Room
Another day of training, and regrettable Gethin appeared to have discovered a new method of training. One that involved pushing every player to their absolute limit. Gethin had been doing some research on other team's training methods, and while he didn't approve of forcing his players to shy away from pubs (after all, that would be close to heresy) he could at least force some modicum of physical fitness out of them.
Some people appreciated these changes. Dale Brightley in particular, fresh from a short spell with Basin Plain soon to continue, would not shut up about this being the way that 'up and coming' teams did their thing. It was less popular with the more traditional and/or alcoholic players, though.
Nonetheless... progress was there. The sense of fate was at hand. New Sideburn would prevail.

by **Blouman Empire** » Sat Mar 30, 2013 4:11 pm

THE EMPIRE TIMES

PLAYER SPOTLIGHT

2/12

First Name: Hamish
Surname: Alpin MBE
Squad Number: 3
Position: Defender
Club: Prosen United
Town of Birth: Seliorod
Nation: Regarmar
International Appearances: 14
International Goals: 1

Bio:Hamish Alpin is Vice Captain of the Blouman Empire Football team despite only being 21 he has already proved himself as a capable leader, player and role model to both his international teams and his club. Hamish Alpin has always pushed himself to the limits and has been an important part of Prosen United's resurgence in the Regarmar First League and while he is yet to win any silverware at a club level he has won the U18's Imperial Cup playing for Regarmar and the international U21 Di Bradini Cup.

Hamish was spotted by Prosen United at an early age and despite their insistence that he sign up for their Youth development team his parents resisted until he had reached the age of 15. While he was a late starter his natural talent and personable charm quickly made him one of the team's most celebrated players. While in the development team he won the U16 Regarmar first league and U17 Regarmar first league and managed to place as runner up in the U16 Imperial Cup. He had impressed Regarmar selectors that they appointed him Captain when he was selected to the U18 Regarmar team whom then took the team to win the U18 Imperial Cup. He was signed to Prosen United and quickly was listed as a substitute on their first team. He got his break after 7 games and managed to impress manager James Bmup that he was started the next game and has remained as first choice sweeper for the club ever since. Hamish was selected as a substitute for the 63rd World Cup qualifiers but only played a couple of games, he was then selected for the U21 Blouman Empire team and appointed Captain. The move appeared to pay off as he lead his team to victory winning the 26th Di Bradini Cup where he was appointed as a Member of the Honourable Order of the Blouman Empire (MBE). For these efforts he has been made Vice Captain for the 39th AOCAF and a starting position within the squad.

Hamish is deeply loyal to Prosen United whom he has recently signed a 5 year contract with the club during the signing he said he was proud to have been apart of Prosen since he was 15 and will be looking at staying apart of the club for as long as he can. Hamish recently got engaged to his long term girlfriend Chelsea Drason whom he lives with and their daughter Eleanor.

by **Audioslavia** » Sat Mar 30, 2013 4:29 pm

Jeremy basked in the polite applause of the Zwangzug crowd for a few seconds more, took in a few more seconds of bright Calorborne sunshine, before heading back inside to the bar. Inside, through the double-doors, an elderly gentleman was plinky-plonking away on a piano that, from the looks of it, predated even Jeremy. All the tables were occupied, all the stools at the bar taken. Jeremy resolved to order another drink and then get back outside into the evening sun.

"Usual?"

"Usual"

A whisky was poured by a silent, well-dressed man behind the bar, and slid along the counter into Jeremy's waiting hand. The Audioslavian tipped his fedora in the barkeep's direction and turned round, leaning with his back on the bar, propped up by his elbows.

In between the distractingly flat chimes of the piano keys, and the chatter of the bar's patrons, Jeremy swore he could hear the sound of hooves. They were coming from outside, and they were getting louder.

Jeremy focused on the double-doors as they swung open.

The chatter amongst the customers dissipated. The pianist stopped playing, leaving an extra flat E7#9b13 in the air. Somewhere in the back, a pale teenage maiden in a corset dropped a glass on the floor, before sashaying into the corner and fanning herself.

There, silouetted against the twilight sun, was what his mother would have described as 'a massive fucking unicorn'.

A tumbleweed skittered along the sand behind him, miles away from the animal's natural habitat (the Lesser Spotted Tumbleweed (lat: cliche ex machina) frolicks freely in the deserts of Calorborne, but is rarely seen near the sea). High above the bar, on the roof, the rusty squeak of the wind gauge turning west is clearly audible amidst the silence, signalling a breath of cool wind that blows the unicorn's hair majestically over its shoulder, picking up the unicorn's long, graceful tail in its breeze. The breeze points the tail in the direction of a stables, outside the bar, tied up in which are a number of docile, non-sentient horses, and one solitary human being, around whom's neck is a feedbag, clearly marked with the words 'Count Chocula' on the front.

"Which one o' y'all is Mad Dog Jack McClusky?" growled the unicorn.

"That you Sucker?" came a voice from the balcony. Jeremy craned his neck and saw, on the balcony high up behind the bar, a hairy, gnarled man approach the railing, leaning over and locking eyes with the unicorn in the doorway.

"You bet your sweet ass its me" said the unicorn.

"She prefers 'mule', actually" guffawed the balcony man, and both parties exchanged a hearty laugh. The man, apparently one 'Mad Dog Jack McClusky', galloped down the stairs and exchanged a high-five with the unicorn.

Jeremy tried to think where he recognised the unicorn from, and then realised he only knew just one unicorn anyway.

"First Audioslavians and now land-narwhals. The whole island is going to hell in a handbasket" said Jeremy. The unicorn, one 'Sucker Punch', former manager of the Karditani national foobtball team, looked over in the direction of the voice.

"....shit"

by **Karditan** » Sat Mar 30, 2013 4:58 pm

"...shit," muttered the Mad Dog, looking at his shoe. "Stepped right in it. Big heapin' pile, gitdam. Just polished ma boots, too."

Sucker lifted a hoof in the direction of the man with many snarky comments. "Say, Jack... you have any idea who this jokester is?"

Jeremy raised his right hand, pointer extended, as if he was about to wag it while letting loose another snarky horse-pun he had though of while watching Jack dance in poo, but stopped and threw on the mental breaks.

"Nah, Sucker, can't say I do. Is he Krytenian? Doesn't seem to like Audioslavians from the sound of it."

"No, I'm not a bloody Krytenian," spat Jeremy as he reached for one of the pockets of his ancient mack. "And I can't believe you," pointing at Sucker with his whiskey-holding hand, "of all people--err, horses--would forget me."

Sucker leaned over to Jack (who's still in the process of scraping his boots) and whispered, "Great, he's a cocky bastard, too."

Jeremy yanked a photograph out and flung it at the unicorn. It flopped rather badly in the wind, careening off-target and landing squarely in the pile of dung. This prompted a slight wince on the Audioslavian half of the scene.

A dark red glow surrounded the photo and yanked it out of its awkward position, magikal forces bringing it up to a safe but seeable distance in front of Sucker's face. "This... seems to be you, holding... wait a minute, there's a shit stain." A rag lying on the bar took on the same red glow and flew over, lightly scrubbing the picture. "The... Baptism of Fire trophy?"

"Look at the number."

"...46."

by **Maklohi Vai** » Sat Mar 30, 2013 4:59 pm

OOC Note: The in-character content of this post is in no way representative of my own views or thoughts. I do not wish to offend, just to develop my country's crazy far-right wing side. If you have any issues with this RP, don't hesitate to tell me. I will try to remove offensive content ASAP.
Part 1
Part 2

MVFA: Predictions and Speculations

Hello, fellow countrymen and patriots. This is Kalo Nupakani, your resident alternate-interpretation journalist. That's the title they give me because they're just too afraid to let me use my real name: The Truth Giver.

Alright, so let's look at our Vaian team's opponent, a nation by the name of Northern Sunrise Islands. This name is rather placid in itself, but what's more interesting is their nickname: the Marills. This is a name I have heard frequently in my dreams.* It is a name belonging to a small, spherical water creature. It looks friendly, but in fact there are dark secrets. "Mar" means sea according to the Portugese people who cut my grass. They don't use our superior term "Vai." "Ills"- well, that's obvious. It's ill, like sick or bad. Therefore, a marill is actually a water demon hellbent on making our seas ill, sick to the core and not capable of recovery. The deviousness exhibited here cannot be surpassed. The sea is of utmost importance, and without it there can be no survival. This team, which supposedly seeks to win with grace and humility, is actually set on destroying our very way of life. My fellow citizens, I call on you to not give up. Fight against these injustices with vigor and strength. Go into battle knowing that you shall not die in vain.

This is why we must win against these horrible people. These vile beasts need to be crushed, and we are the only ones who can crush them. Our football team needs to win not only for their sake, but for the sake of the entire country. Go, Maklohi Vai. You are our warriors.

The views expressed in this piece are solely those of Kalo Nupakani, and are not representative of the Maklohi Vai Football Association.

*OOC: Yup, it's Pokemon. Sorry for the length, too. The game I was umpiring ran way over.

by **Kinitaria** » Sat Mar 30, 2013 5:00 pm

Continued from here.

"Well, what do you think?" asked Kristijan Palkič, chairman of Lokani United, as Milo read over his contract. Well, stared at it would probably be a better description. He was going to get paid to take control of the fortunes of the club that he loved. Decent money too, considering that they were a C-League side with somewhere around the region of nothing available in the transfer kitty. All he had to do was sign on the dotted line. It would be an easy decision for anyone, you would have thought.

Picking up the pen that had been provided to him, he scrawled his name on the bottom of the contract - his contract - committing himself to the club for the next three years, with a generous bonus for avoiding relegation and an even more generous one if he could take them up to the B-League. No money for transfers unless he could raise some through his own initiative, and he could think of a handful of players who he wouldn't mind seeing on their way. Not that he was convinced he would be able to get a fantastic price for them, but his journey was only just starting. With a handshake between the two men, the deal was concluded and Milo Kovraev became the new manager of Lokani United.

"We'll have the media stuff later," the chairman advised him. "We're not the biggest club in the world, we don't tend to attract a massive amount of media interest in any case, but how do you feel about starting this afternoon?"

"This afternoon?" repeated Milo, in a sort of daze.

"Absolutely, I don't see why not," answered Palkič reassuringly. "There's a training session this afternoon, 1 pm, how do you feel about taking it? Good to let the team get a look at their new manager and all that, you know?"

"Of course," he blurted out in response, ignoring the slight nagging feeling which was beginning to make itself noticed, deep within his consciousness. "Nice to make a start, after all," he continued, wondering where this false positivity was coming from.

"Excellent, I'll see you back here at 1, then," said the chairman with an air of finality. And with a final handshake, Milo was out of the luxurious office and on his way out of the stadium. And then he was back at home, although he probably couldn't remember the journey if he tried. That said, there were other things clamouring for his attention right at that moment. He glanced at his watch, which showed the time to be just before eleven. He now realised that he had about two hours to prepare a training session for a team of professional footballers. This realisation was shortly followed by several more, primarily that he had never prepared a training session in his life and his own footballing career was limited to a brief stint in a local pub team. The feeling that he was in way over his head was now beginning to overwhelm him in the way that such feelings tend to do, so he turned to the only resource he had available to him: the internet.

An hour and a half later, the prognosis was not fantastic. Sheets of paper with various tactical scribblings littered the desk, online videos of tactical routines and coaching methods went unprocessed and misunderstood, and the new manager was experiencing a sensation of imminent doom. Has a manager ever lasted less than three hours in Kinitaria?, he asked himself. But he decided that, after all he had said over the past week or so, there was no way he could back out now. He was in this for better or for worse, and he would have to live with the consequences of his decision. So, for the second time that day, he made the short journey from his home to Parc Alultorii - now the scene of his destiny.

Palkič was there to meet him once more. "Great to see you back, Mr. Kovraev," he was greeted. "Sorry we haven't got a club tracksuit for you right now, lack of funds and all that, but it'll be ready come the end of the week. Anyway, if you just follow the signs through to the training complex, the players will be out in, let's say, five minutes or so? And if there's anything you need, you know where to find me. Well, I'll be seeing you, and good luck." And with that, he was gone.

Milo followed the signs as instructed, and found himself on a deserted... well, training complex was probably a bit of an ambitious title for it, but there was a pitch, and some basic training equipment, so it would serve a C-League team well enough. He didn't even have time to ponder how the hell he got himself in this situation, before a door opened off to the side, and out came the Lokani United team. He knew these players well enough, he had spent endless chilly afternoons hurling abuse at them from the terraces. Those days may already be past, though. There was Lovirič, central defender, decent in the air, no pace, good for man-to-man marking; Finozev, the goalkeeper, fantastic in one-on-one situations, almost zero consistency; "Piri" Malkon, the diminutive centre-forward with a bit too much confidence... and then the realisation struck Milo that he actually seemed to know a fair bit about these players. Right, time to see if he could wing this training session.

"Alright lads," he announced loudly once what looked like the full squad were on the field. "In case you haven't noticed, I'm your new manager, you're going to get to know me, there's going to be some changes around here, we're going to play simple football and we're going to stay in the League, you got that?"

A few of the squad murmured "Yes, Boss," but Milo decided not to go in for cheap motivational techniques. If he could get this right, they would be responding to him in due course anyway. "Right, I want to get a feel for how you work as a team, so everyone who started for the game against Olimpia, go on that side of the pitch, line up in a flat 4-4-2," he gestured. "The rest of you - right, we'll have Elbov, Marizič..." and after reeling off a list of eleven players, he told them to arrange themselves in a similar formation.

"We'll have a practice match today, so I can see where things are going wrong. Anyone can say we're not doing well, I want to know why." After throwing a ball to Malkon, Milo blew on his whistle. "Play!"

One thing that soon became clear was that this team had some deep-rooted problems with their confidence. Another was that this was the real world. If something was going wrong, Milo couldn't just click on a player's name and find out what was the matter. There were some signs of quality, though, and they seemed to be chiefly coming from the reserves. Left winger Albin Loviku, who had been a very expensive buy from SSKA Mocra in the summer and then sat on Lokani's bench for most of the season, seemed to actually have some quality, justifying the fans' demands for him to get some game time.

But those observations were easy enough to make. Milo needed to come up with something radical for the crunch clash with Sosiyala Hosesti, a must-win game if United were to avoid the drop. And somewhere along this train of thought, he came up with an absolutely ridiculous idea. So ridiculous that it might just work...

by **Wight** » Sat Mar 30, 2013 5:02 pm

Link to Matchday Four scores

BREVITY-ESQUE CREATIVE CHALLENGES
Just for fun or inspiration, there is no disadvantage if you choose to ignore them.

Word of the day, from dictionary.com: Serpentine

Random quotation, from quotationspage.com: Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning. George Carlin

Interesting book title, from lulu.com: The Road Gets Longer If I Stop by Rick Garvia, if you're interested

Random Oblique Strategy, from joshharrison.net: Ghost echoes

Special day today, from daysoftheyear.com: Pencil Day

Wiki-hiking, using Wikipedia's 'Random Page' function to start, and then using hyperlinks within the page to find something interesting, led me to this page in just one jump: ‪A Tribe Called Quest‬ - Can you kick it?

by **Vilita and Turori** » Sat Mar 30, 2013 5:27 pm

OOC: This was supposed to be posted prior to the cutoff for MD4:)

For Years they've Battled the World. Now they Battle Each Other.

Domestic Rivalries Transition

With the playing field equalized for season 26, it was Arcticala Inlet and Cednia Beach that rose from the ashes to claim glory, re-igniting the fierce rivalry between the two clubs from rival nations. The rivalry had gotten so fierce, in fact, that the players themselves were also rivals. Arcticala Inlet goalkeeping phenom's Aranora Jaded and Jaqe Planst were just making their way through the ranks when Arcticala Inlet won the Season 26 Vilitan League title. It didn't take long for them to realize they were competing against each other for the starting position the following season with one acceptable outcome. Defend the title. Aranora Jaded won the battle and took the starting position with the weight of a nation on his shoulders. Planst immediately grew frustrated knowing he wouldn't be playing for the new season when he got a call from Cednia Beach AFC Chairman Jimmy Whalers. The Coconuts needed a new goalkeeper, and they wanted Planst. Utterly reluctant to sell to their cross-nation rivals, the asking price for Planst skyrocketed and would end up being the 5th highest transfer fee in league history at the time of its completion. It would go down in history as one of the worst sales in Arcticala Inlet history - not because it made their team any worse - Aranora Jaded was a perfectly capable goalkeeper - but because it made their rivals *that* much better.

The two teams would meet immediately in the Tropical Trophy just days after the transfer was completed. The competition was fierce and ended up being just as much about Aranora Jaded v. Jaqe Planst as it was about Vilita v. Turori or Arcticala Inlet v. Cednia Beach. After 120 minutes of play, 17 shots on goal and 8 kicks from the penalty spot, Arcticala Inlet had one the Tropical Trophy. Barely.Cednia Beach AFC would go on to win the Stellar Division on the back of outstanding play from Planst with the Electricians slipping to 3rd position.

The rivalry reached critical mass at that point, and would ebb and flow up and down the table as the two sides stuck together like glue, competing for the title, competing for UICA qualification places or even competing against each other to avoid relegation.

After 71 meetings all time, the flame of the rivalry between the two clubs hit both a peak and a valley at the same time with Arcticala Inlet's relegation from the Stellar Division. As the teams stepped onto the pitch at the Arcticala Electrical Stadium, everyone knew that more than pride in the rivalry was at stake. Aranora Jaded, wearing the captains armband, walked out of the tunnel next to his former trainee rival, Jaqe Planst, also wearing the armband. The Electricians needed a win to avoid relegation and Cednia Beach had the chance to give their rivals the ultimate heartbreak.

For long stretches, it appeared that the Electrians had done what they needed after taking the lead in the 29th minute. Cednia Beach just was not content to give up, despite having nothing of their own at stake. Yoains Konoaafeo equalized for the Turorian side in the 84th minute and the rivalry between the two sides was never more intense as in the final 6 minutes in Arcticala on that day. Cednia Beach AFC got the last word, scoring on a stoppage time corner kick to score the ultimate rivalry victory and send a team full of high profile stars in Arcticala down to the declasse for the first time in over 30 seasons of competition.

It was, perhaps, the end of one chapter in the Vilita v. Turori rivalry, and the beginning of another. Parity had arisen atop the Vilitan League, with Mliona-Lpaka FC and the Kionao Locals joining Cednia Beach in the title fight and looking to challenge Vilita's elite. No longer was it Cednia Beach v. Vilita, but the Turorian sides v. the Vilitan sides. The fierceness of the rivalry, however, was sure to transfer somewhere else. Shortly after the conclusion of Season 36, the groups were drawn for World Cup 64 qualifying. For the first time ever, the national teams of Vilita and Turori would square off against each other with a spot in the World Cup Finals on the line. The fierceness that had brewed between Arcticala Inlet and Cednia Beach had certainly found a new home.

...to be continued...

Vilita v. Turori ::
1: An Overview
2: Cednia Beach Fly the Flag
3: Domestic Rivalries

by **Kishrael** » Sat Mar 30, 2013 5:49 pm

OOC: Gah...missed the cut-off, ah well...

As the away fans clapped their team’s loss the home fans could feel proud. The better side for the majority of the 90 minutes, a very small scalp had been theirs to claim and they did. 65 minutes in and 3-2 down in a country nobody knew where, or how they’d even managed to get to (it clearly wasn’t a regular flight destination for Kishraeli's), Dalča Nurmanov struck home and launched a massive cannonball in the direction of Menashe Shumron from 40 yards. Dipping and swerving like a graceful dolphin in the ocean, the ball bent its way around Shumron's outstretched arm, beyond the fingers of his left hand throwing the net back so far that it nearly came off. The goal added to Luka Sabčot's opener, the vice-captain adding to his impressive scoring record.

It was now 4-2. The game was still on however, and Magen Kachol, despite floundering for most of the match could still salvage something. A searching ball, driven from left back found Yehuda Taputzov who attempted to control the ball on his chest. The control was poor and the ball fell into the feet of the Kinitarian defender, Sebastien Sykora. Sykora cleared the ball beyond the other defenders and past the multitude of Kishraeli players who had pushed forward. Rushing on to the clearance, the Kinitarian striker Duska Avramov was now in a tight battle against the Menashe Shumron who was splaying his body to defend his goal, the defenders rushing back desperately, trying to get rid of the danger. Avramov nimbly whipped the ball around Shumron, as the first defenders reached the scene, but it was too late...

Jubilation in the stadium, as fans no longer had to wait for confirmation of the Kinitarian victory, mourning from the Kishraeli fans, as their side slumps to last, 0 wins, 0 draws, 3 losses.

Menashe Harel looks in a dangerous position after a string of heavy defeats, admittedly, against the top 3 seeded teams in the group. There is a chance that things can improve, however the situation is dangerous, as Kishrael is undoubtedly wanting to increase their rank and become a reasonable efficient team in the future. As it is going currently, that is not set to happen.

-----

The light filtered through the windows of the dark and dingy flat, this was what 30 Hirin a night could get you in Kinitaria. Rubbing his eyes, he rose, as the light above him flickered, and he saw his face on the dressing table mirror opposite. Sighing, he threw his legs over onto the floor, into some slippers, and pushed himself up, the drab diluted green walls dulling his mood even further, but he could not let his surroundings distract him from his task. A small basin in another room awaited, and after refreshing his face and making some coffee, it was time to go, it was time to fight the fight.

Agent Tiqvah, that was what he would go by, that is all he could be known as. He didn't work for the government, he was a freelancer, working only to improve the world in the only we he knew how. There was only one way to rid the world of the scum that ruined the lives of all in Kishrael, and all in the wider world. They were the Nazi's. Agent Tiqvah was known for his extreme views. In fact, the Nazi's weren't even a problem in Kishrael, the whole idea of a Nazi revival was far-fetched, but those who clung to such racist and archaic ideals, in Tiqavah's eyes, needed to be destroyed.

The Kinitarian government wasn't aware of his presence here in Mi'ato, but they would be, as would the Nazi's in Mi'ato. From his information, the Kinitarian Nazi's were concentrated in Mi'ato, but they did have smaller communities around the nation in Serenberg. Picking up his weapons, a pistol, a dagger, he left the building, with just his overnight backpack that he'd brought along. Today would be the day that another one of the scum would die, today would be the day when the world became a better place...

by **Nenets Autonomous Okrug (Ancient)** » Sat Mar 30, 2013 6:02 pm

ooc: continuing to miss cutoffs and RP a day late. Curse you, time zones!

The trial of Hermione Aglukark

Part the first

A toothless, seventy-five year old woman in a fur-trimmed parka sits in the dock.

In the Nenets Autonomous Okrug, a poor country above the arctic circle with limited wood available for buildings, courtrooms are few and far between. When Nenets say a prisoner is in the dock, they mean an actual dock, jutting out into the frozen ocean. Outdoor trials concentrate the mind wonderfully.

Hermione was a grand figure brought low. A famous judge, she had been named coach of the National Footballing Squad of the Nenets Autonomous Okrug (let’s just say FSNAO, it will save time). She coached the FSNAO to a respectable showing in the Baptism of Fire, preaching the Gospel of the Scoreless Draw. But in a thrilling match against the Suns of Barunia, she had harpooned a sportcaster with Nensport. True, the late Mona Penny was a talentless hack whose main role was to praise her sister, FSNAO defender and billionaire oligarch Cooper Penny. But even the Nenets, who routinely set their grandmothers out for a nice cruise on an iceberg and then forgot to pick them up, frowned on murder committed on national television. And so she’d been tracked down at a sleazy five-star hotel by the Finest Detective Duo in the Nenets Autonomous Okrug.

And so, Hermione faced a trial. One where the judge was as chilly in demeanour as the weather inside the Red North Stadium (Sacred to Sirte the Bear). Which is to say, pretty chilly.

The Nenets flocked to see the trial. But honestly, a lot of them were there because it had a great view of the big-screen television across the street in Tundra Televisions (Sacred to Antenne the Arctic Fox). Where they could watch their choice of the World Cup qualifying campaign on the Nenets Sports network (Nensport), or the Erotic Scrimshaw Pirate Network (ESPN).

Judge Svetlana N’en: How do you plead, Madame Aglukark? Guilty, Not Guilty, Not Guilty y Reason go Insanity, Not Guilty by Reason of Extenuating Circumstances, or Not Guilty Because Sirte the Bear Made Me Do It?

Hermione Aglukark: First of all, I’m a judge, I should not be here by reason of judicial immunity. Second, Sirte the Bear makes everyone do everything, she is supreme. Thirdly, Not Guilty by Reason of Extenuating Circumstances To Be Revealed Later.

The screen on the left shows footage of a long run forward by Cooper Penny from the Nenets defence, forward deep into the Anollasia ranks, a pass to Ceru Frost, and a beautiful shot stopped by the Anollasian keeper, Mr Faceless. Visible behind him are thousands of screaming Nenets grouped in the stands behind. Few foreigners have made the trip to a stadium said to be potentially unsafe in a country no one has heard of renowned for nothing other than being dark, cold and not very friendly to visitors.

The Autonomous Wrecking Crew, as this gang of “fans” is called, are chanting at Mr Faceless.

Whalebone sealbone foxbone Bear
Ground up people from Over There
Ground their bones and on them sup
Yummy yummy eat them up.

The Autonomous Wrecking Crew are a bunch of thugs who like sports. They’re also well known for trying to revive cannibalism, “an authentic Nenets tradition since the reindeer went missing back in 1485,” as the Crew tells it.

Possibly this has rattled the good people of the Peaceful Republic of Anollasia. Their keeper seems a bit rattled, at least.

Another ball forward to Frost. Possibly he is offside. The referees are possibly a bit to rattled to see it.

The ball dances into Frost’s path. His feet collect it. The camera zooms in to show that he has one blue shoe, one read shoe, one pink sock, and one sock striped in an intricate green and yellow pattern, and that he seems to have painted one leg orange and the other purple. The crowd gasps. Rainbow feet!

Frost kicks the ball as gently as a Russian mobster kicking some guy that squealed on him to the International Criminal Court, which is to say not very gently at all. Faceless misses it.

The crowd erupts. A goal! The first goal ever scored by the national Footballing Squad of the Nenets Autonomous Okrug at Red North Stadium (Sacred to Sirte the Bear). A goal! The FSNAO has a 1-0 lead!

Seven men faint and one spontaneously combusts.

It becomes evident that the defendant is more interested in watching the match than in the proceedings of her own trial.

Hermione Aglukark: Sit on the lead!

Judge Svetlana N’en: Does the court have your full attention, Madame Aglukark?

Hermione: The court has exactly as much attention as it deserves.

Prosecutor Zambrona Nen: Madame Aglukark, I have two questions. First, did you harpoon a member of the media named Mona Penny? Second, what are your thoughts on that goal by Ceru Frost?

Judge N’en (interrupting): Madame Prosecutor, does the court have your full attention?

Zambrona: Courts don’t pay too well. I’m also on retainer for Nensport.

One of the giant television screens, it becomes evident, is broadcasting the trial even as the audience at the trial is mostly watching another of the giant television screens.

M.C. Escher: Nothing to do with me, leave me out of this.

The Nensport screen dissolves into a scene of the Nenets footballers trying desperately to control the ball and keep it in their own half. Shimmer passes to Penny, who passes it to Nen, who passes it back to Shimmer. Shimmer kicks the ball to .. it’s intercepted by Anolassian forward Nameless, who unleashes a blistering shot. Nenets keeper Berndt Umber snatches it out of the sky and lobs it over to Rose, who kicks it back to Penny, who passes it to Nen, who passes it to his cousin the other Nen. Anoloassian midfielder Unidentified coughs slightly. Looking like he’s been punched in the gut, Shimmer falls to the ground and writhes.

The referee does not call a foul. The crowd groans. It had been an impressive bit of writhing on the ground pretending to be in pain.

Zambrona: How can you claim extenuating circumstances when video evidence clearly shows you launching a harpoon into Ms Penny’s ulterior cortex? And what can you tell us about Anolossian leader George Albenbury?

Hermione: I merely replicated the action of Sirte the Bear when she was cornered by an especially dull hunter. Mr Albenbury, I assume, used to be known as George Nen, and got his name by hunting down, killing and devouring the brains of the previous Anolossian leader Alben, then burying him under the national palace.

Zambrona: Seriously? You think he’s called Albenbury because he buried a man named Alben?

Hermione: Why not? This Peaceful Republic stuff has to be public relations, I figure. That dove on their flag looks like it’s killed seven men by breakfast.

Nenets players who have been watching the interview on another giant television screen when the ball wasn’t too close to them can be seen visibly gulping. Shimmer, Nen and the other Nen join hands in a warding-off-evil huddle first developed by Nerve the Arctic Hare. While they’re doing so, Anolossian forward Unknown kicks he ball between Shimmer’s legs where it’s collected by another Anolossian (name not visible to camera) who gets away a shot far too tough for Umber. 1-1.

Zambrona: Isn’t it a fact that you are trying right now to frighten your former players?

Hermione: Beige.

Zambrona and Judge N’en, in unison: Sacred to Slimme the Snake.

Hermione: That’s what I’m saying.

A clean run by Unknown towards the Nenets net. Umber is clearly out of position. Penny lunges desperately, jamming her spiked boot into Unkown’s shin. The Anolossian falls. Whistle. Yellow card to Penny and a free kick for Unknown. The Nenets form up a line in font of Umber, still red-faced from allowing a goal already. The lien writhes, like a snake. Unknown puts the ball past them expertly. It curves around them, past a diving Umber. 2-1 Anolossia.

The crowd moans, and starts to head for the exits. Gotta beat that traffic on the Nar’yan-Mar expressway before the remaining seven minutes of sunlight are gone.

by **Qazox** » Sat Mar 30, 2013 6:58 pm

(Worst week ever, Part 3)

Myself and the family were told to get out of my van, and we were in someone's garage. The two people, who were in the front of the van with guns, pointed towards a door. We shuffled through the door and found ourselves in what apparently was a kitchen.

"Ah, I see my 'guests' have arrived. Eric, watch the potatoes, I just added the sauce. So the infamous Faith Breaker and her wonderful family. I hate to, but I must admit Faith, you've done well since your 'retirement'. Too bad you left before I could get my hands on you and your partner Buck Eyes. Whatever happened to him? Oh yeah, didn't he die in a car accident a few weeks ago? Does hubby here know you two were an item a few years ago?" Our host, for the lack of more information, asked.

The beautiful woman who had enraptured me with her beauty just glared at the balding well-dressed man.

"No snappy comebacks? No threats to kill me? My dear Faith, I guess that becoming a happy homemaker has taken the fun out of you. But rest assured, we will have fun. Greg, Terry, take them to the room..."

by **Northern Sunrise Islands** » Sat Mar 30, 2013 7:06 pm

DE PLACA
Fanta Overload!

WORLD CUP 64 QUALIFIERS
NSI, the Painters of Esportiva, make another draw, 1-1 to last-place Kinzar
Call it luck, though, but Kinzar just managed to grab a goal from the Marills' paws as the team lost 1-1. If it wasn't by Michael Sanders' goal after a blatantly cheat of a penalty, the Northern Sunrise Islands team would've won. The other goal of the match came from the feet of Namine Nagatomo and with this, the Marills continue to be in the sixth place of their Group in the World Cup Qualifiers.

Northern Sunrise Islands Football Confederation considers World Cup Cut
As for some reason, the interest for the World Cup starts to fall between the population of NSI, the President of the Confederation starts to question whether mantaining participation at the World Cup could be interesting. "Let's face it, it's mostly a game of marked cards, you can't really go any further and the fans seem to be noticing it.", declared the president of the NSIFC, Allejo Santos, "While we are obviously mantaining or support to increase the pyramid of the club competitions, the national team seems to be just not getting it and the World Cup, which for us is already incredibly boring, isn't seeming to be going to do any good for us."

Coach Lynette Bourbon, angered, answered "Why would he do something like that? Sure we ain't getting much but that's just about effort! We need the players to be 110% in the field and the president seems to be hesitant about waiting for the players to go that way! I promise, we'll get a ticket to the Cup of Harmony not even if I have to kill someone to do it!". The next match of the Marills will be tomorrow, transmitted by UBC.

by **Mapletish** » Sat Mar 30, 2013 7:35 pm

Matchday Four: Licenciapacisterra 0–0 Mapletish

Mapletish and Licenciapacisterra recorded a dull 0-0 draw in the World Cup qualifying match-up against each other at the LTI Stadium in Montfort, Montfort Parish. It proved to be dull as the Lions failed to capitalise on their chances and record a fourth win as they now lagged behind group topper Estope with two points.

Mapletish was the first team to threaten when Junio escaped the attention of Kyran Stevenson after a good pass from Enkainia, but Cameron Ritchie was alert and rushed off his line to collect the ball before the Home United star could get to it. It proved to be an early and encouraging break through for the Lions as they started to venture in further into the hosts' goal.

The visitors continued to be the much better side and came close to opening the scoring and breaking the deadlock in the 21st minute, Di Natile found Junio once again with a low cross from the right, but the forward's first attempt on goal was denied by the on alert Ritchie, while the rebound was block by Kevin Boyle.

It was Junio again as he then opted to try his luck after Stevenson failed to clear a cross from the left, but his powerful shot from a narrow angle only hit the side netting to his dismay as he had his face in his hands. Missing three excellent chances all in a row. Janette could only cursed the luck of his forward at the sidelines as she stood well serious calling out instructions to her players.

Gosta got the biggest chance of the first half in the closing stages of the opening 45 minutes and the captain indeed manage to beat the shotstopper Ritche, but Stevenson went into bail out his goalkeeper and cleared the ball off the line.

The hosts on the otherhand struggled to create the chances on their home ground and only Alexander Keir came close to scoring for the hosts. The SC Montfort forward was unable to get his shot on target though after rounding Sapphire and the chance went begging. The Licentian new Polish manager Joachim Schwartz, could be seen on the team bench in silence as he watched the game. It proved to see how badly or how well his team was playing as he tried his first records were disappointing coming into the game without a win in three matches.

The second half continued in very much the same vein as the first half, with the majority of the game taking place in the midfield as passes, passes and more passes were handed around for the players to get the feel of the ball. It was much of the case for the Lions as they held onto the ball longer than their Licentian counterparts.

Mapletish was the first to get a shot on target after the interval when Ai Jing tried her luck from long range, but her weak attempt was easy prey for the on hand Ritche as he laid low and held onto the ball.

The possession changed hands later on as Sapphire got her call in action in the 76th minute after a good combination between Alexander Keir and Lewis Naylor. The former fired in a well placed shot at the near post, but Sapphire pulled off a superb save to tip the ball wide.

Ai Jing and Junio later played onto what it seems to be their telepathic combination as demonstrated in the 6-1 thrashing of HorusLand. Ai Jing's accurate cross to Junio's feet managed to put the latter on a volley but his powerful attempt went high and wide much to his dismay as he looked to have placed his feet on the right spot onto the ball.

It was the combination of Ai Jing and Junio once again as Mapletish almost netted a winner well into stoppage time after Junio collected a neat through ball on the edge of the penalty box from Ai Jing but the Home United star blasted his shot over the bar.

The draw sees Mapletish in the second place of Group 12, lagging Estope by 2 points and leading Gyatso-kai by a point. The table looks to be more like what it should be now.

by **Darmen** » Sat Mar 30, 2013 7:46 pm

From the Scott City Times:

Rushmore is on fire!
Conflict(s) in Rushmore look likely, Darmeni officials on edge

With rebels brewing up a storm in Mytannion, a black gold rush in what was formerly Pays de Horreur, and a potential border conflict between Darmen and Valladares over the Westlands, as well as several upcoming elections, the potential for an armed conflict in Rushmore looks very likely. "At this point in time," said Minister of Foreign Affairs and Relations Alfredo Albaladejo, "we're watching things carefully, and a special cabinet meeting has been called for tomorrow afternoon, as well a special parliamentary session for Monday morning to discuss the situation in depth."

So far the only action taken by the Darmeni government has been to raise the DEFCON from level five, where it has been since the end of the Goose Sea conflict, to level four, and to place the Darmeni Border Agency on High Alert. Meanwhile, Valladares seems to be taking a proactive approach, placing missiles in the Westlands. "Obviously this is not what you'd call very good diplomacy," said Defense Minister John Terry, "as far as I know, we have never made any threats of an armed invasion against Valladares and the Westlands, and we sure as heck aren't going to anytime soon when we have bigger things to deal with to the north and west."

Meanwhile, a Nethertopian study has revealed that the land formerly occupied by Pays de Horreur is rich in oil, and undoubtedly, with oil in high demand, many nations will be looking to gain at least a piece of that land. "Hopefully, we can all avoid an armed conflict over it," said Albaladejo, "perhaps split it up as evenly as possible for each country that wishes to have a piece."

Upcoming elections are also on the minds of several key Darmeni officials. "The Prime Minister has already expressed his support for the Civil Federalist Party in the Euran elections," commented Minister Albaladejo, "and we're awaiting more information on the upcoming elections in Valladares before we make a decision on who we support there."

The upcoming elections in Darmen are also on the minds of Darmeni officials. An official decision on whether to postpone them is expected to come in the next few days. "We're just bogged down with too many things in the area of foreign affairs to have to worry about an election," said Director Mason Hudson of the Darmeni Election Committee.

Other front page news from around Darmen
Brham Sententinal: Gasoline prices rise as fears of Rushmori conflict grow
Chuckio Post: Scott City FC agrees to send Danny Beasley to Olympique Chuckio
Darmeni Times: Citizens along border fear Valladar missile strikes are imminent
Liverpool Monarch: UFO's steal cattle, bad UFO's
Romanopolis Centurion: Darmen remains first in Group Four after 7-3 win over East Shippensburg

by **Jeruselem** » Sat Mar 30, 2013 8:00 pm

Amy Pond and Princess Amy (Amelia Jane) Dallas watching Jeruselem play Rikatan

Pond: SO little Amy, you want to be out there?
Jane: Yes, but still too young
Pond: Don't worry, you wouldn't have a problem getting into the team because of your mother
Jane: I want to be as good as you
Pond: I wasn't that good a player
Jane: You were pretty said grandma

Pond: Sofia is always talking me up
Jane: Say where's Johnny?
Pond: He's with Dad at church
Jane: He should be here watching footaball with us
Pond: I'm his grandmother not his mother, and his mother is somewhere else
Jane: I should be at church too! But ... nevermind

Pond: I don't think you'll get in trouble for skipping church from Mum
Jane: Dad doesn't care either
Pond: Who's taking care of you?
Jane: Aunty Katy. She's cool
Pond: She reminds me of someone
Jane: I wonder who ...

Pond: You know who I mean
Jane: I do
Pond: why aren't you with Dad?
Jane: He's working. I don't want to annoy him. Mum annoys him enough by herself.
Pond: I suppose
Jane: I want to be out there.

Pond: You did the coin toss.
Jane: It's just not the same. I guess I'm a bit small.
Pond: Well, that's your mums fault
Jane: Yeah, I'm not tall for me age at all.
Pond: Being tall isn't everything.
Jane: It's cool to be called Amy

Pond: That's because your mum wanted to call you that
Jane: No one calls me Jane though
Pond: It's better than Gertrude
Jane: Or Serpentine
Pond: Who calls their kids Serpentine?
Jane: I know one kid at school with that name

Pond: It's a kind of rock right?
Jane: Yeah, it's a common rock-forming hydrous magnesium iron phyllosilicate ((Mg, Fe)3Si2O5(OH)4) minerals; they may contain minor amounts of other elements including chromium, manganese, cobalt or nickel.
Pond: How did you know that?
Jane: From geology
Pond: Wow
Jane: I do have a high IQ and good memory

Pond: Say, what do girls that Serpentine girl?
Jane: Snake
Pond: I'm really not surprised
Jane: Actually she is a bit of a snake anyway
Pond: I guess the name fits
Jane: Sometimes I want hit her with shovel

by **Saintland** » Sat Mar 30, 2013 8:15 pm

Saintland 0, Krytenia 3

(SP) Today, the Sanctii faced a team ranked in the top 100 and they were shut out once again. This time, it was a 3-0 defeat at the hands of Krytenia at Royal Stadium in St. Petrus. Alessandro Seius returned from his injury, but he noticeably limped as he walked out on the pitch. Three times in this match, he moved a split second too slow and 3 times he missed the ball by a split second. "I don't know what is going on with our offense at the moment. We just aren't having any luck anymore. Maybe Sister Polus is right. Maybe God has forsaken us because of our sins." - Prince Andreas

In the 18th minute, Krytenia scored for the first time on a counter-attack. The Sanctii had been overly aggressive, but they still could not get a clear shot at goal. Things just were not going right today. In the 43rd minute, Georgius Catiotus sent a long pass in the direction of Stephanus Vagionius, but the keeper got to it first. So, it went for the Sanctii in the first half. The score was 1-0 at the half.

At halftime, Prince Andreas decided to make 2 substitutions. Lucas Aufidius was replaced by Petrus Jucundius and Petrus Mamilius was replaced by Josephus Flaccus. Those substitutions did not pay off. Petrus Jucundius made a mistake in the 53rd minute, allowing Krytenia to score their 2nd goal of the match. After that, Prince Andreas decided to bring on Ioannes Gratus for Petrus Jucundius and switch to a 4-3-1-2 formation.

For the first time all day, the Sanctii got a serious scoring opportunity in the 63rd minute when Prince Andreas passed the ball to Gratus. Gratus hit it at goal, but it was knocked out for a corner. The Prince Andreas corner would go right to the head of Josephus Flaccus, who headed it over the bar and out of bounds for a goal kick.

That wouldn't be the last scoring opportunity for the Sanctii. A long pass from Marcus Jucundius found Prince Andreas in the 77th minute. The Prince passed it to Vagionius. Vagionius faked a shot and passed it back to Prince Andreas. The keeper bought the fake and Prince Andreas had an empty net, but he put the ball into the post. It bounced back to a Krytenian defender, who hit it out for a corner. Prince Andreas's corner was headed away by a defender. Suddenly, Krytenia counter-attacked while the Sanctii had only 2 defenders back. The defenders could not hang with the Krytenian striker and the ball ended up in the back of the net for the 3rd Krytenian goal of the match.

It would remain 3-0. The closest the Sanctii would come to threatening again was in the 88th minute. Prince Andreas found Vagionius and he put it in the back of the net, but the ref signaled for offsides. The few remaining fans at Royal Stadium were furious. Not only had the Krytenians been offsides for all 3 of their goals, but now Saintland's goal was disallowed when Vagionius was not offsides. They started to throw their garbage on the pitch as the clock approached the end of the match. The referees just decided to call it after 90 minutes as a few thousand angry fans stormed the pitch chasing after the referee. The Krytenians and the ref escaped and left our Kingdom like a bunch of cowards.

Meanwhile, our arch-rivals in New Sideburn have won 3 matches in a row, so the frustration of the fans at Royal Stadium is understandable. Tomorrow, the Sanctii will visit Kinitaria. Kinitaria are currently tied for the group lead with Audioslavia at 10 points. Krytenia and Soviet Canuckistan have 9 points each. The Sanctii are tied with Zwangzug at 6 points. Kinitaria is ranked even higher than Krytenia, so another Sanctii loss is expected. The schedule will get easier following this match against Kinitaria, so the Sanctii can still have a respectable finish in this tournament and earn an invitation to the Cup of Harmony.

Following the disastrous trip to Soviet Canuckistan, the National Team returned home to the Kingdom of Saintland for their 4th match, against Krytenia. Upon returning home, Prince Andreas was informed of some news related to the Saintland National Soccer Team.

Prince Andreas - My father really entered us in a "Swamp Soccer" tournament?

Josephus Flaccus - Swamp Soccer? They actually hold a soccer tournament in a Swamp?

Prince Andreas - Apparently, its the 4th World Cup of that sport. Teams only have 6 players in the swamp at any time, so only some of us have to go. Apparently it is unlimited substitution.

Alessandro Seius - Are you going?

Prince Andreas - I have a project I'm busy with. Alessandro, I want you to captain the team.

Alessandro Seius - I'll do it.

Prince Andreas - Good. I want all of the substitutes to play on that team.

Josephus Flaccus - You want me to play soccer in a swamp?

Prince Andreas - You'll get playing time.

Silvester Flaccus - Don't worry, Josephus. If you're going to play on the swamp team, we're going with you.

Prince Andreas - Good. Now, let's focus on the more important business. We have Krytenia tomorrow at Royal Stadium.

Stephanus Vagionius - It'll probably be sold out again.

Prince Andreas - It already is, although there won't be so many screaming schoolgirls in there. Cantus Virginum isn't going to be there.

Josephus Flaccus - That's a good thing. They are horrible.

Prince Andreas - I am warning you now. If we lose tomorrow, we're going to do another 3 hour practice session immediately following our match.

Andreas Inventius - I hope we win.

Prince Andreas - There can be no hope about it. We need to be focused. Tonight, everybody needs to make sure to attend church services and then we will attend again tomorrow morning.

Paulus Gabinius - We can only pray that God will be with us.

Sister Polus's Thoughts

Hello, I am Sister Maria Polus, High Inquisitor at Progress High School. I am joining you again to discuss the recent woes of our National Soccer Team. Today is Easter Sunday. This is the day that celebrates the resurrection of Iesus Christus, the one man that did not sin. That means that everybody watching this video and everybody in this Kingdom is a sinner. All of you have fallen short of God's standards. All of you are wicked. All of you should repent and do penance for your sins.

Yet, you just keep on sinning. Today, after Krytenia defeated the National Team, you started throwing garbage onto the pitch and you chased a referee, furious at his incorrect calls. The referee did not make those calls because he was trying to cost us a victory. No, he made those calls because that was God's Will. He was God's instrument to send a message to our people that we need to repent of our sins. We need to repent now or else we will all burn in the fires of Infernus.

What are our sins? Why would God choose to punish the Kingdom where His True Church is the official Church? He is punishing us because He holds us to a higher standard. We are supposed to be a nation where righteousness reigns. However, we have become an overly lax and overly tolerant Kingdom where married couples routinely engage in disgusting and immoral acts. We have become a Kingdom that seeks out God only when it is convenient for us. We need to return to God.

I remind everybody watching this video on Sanctustube that God does offer forgiveness. If we will repent of our sins and beg God to forgive us, He will forgive our sins and He will heal our land. With God on our side, anything is possible. Indeed, today is the celebration of a day nearly 2000 years ago when God raised his only begotten Son from the dead and opened up the possibility that we may gain forgiveness for our sins. Repent now and God will lead us into the promised land of the World Cup. Continue sinning and we will not even get an invitation to the Cup of Harmony. May you heed this warning. I am Sister Maria Polus and I thank you for watching.

by **Jeru FC** » Sat Mar 30, 2013 8:27 pm

Somewhere in Euskirribakondara ... where a football game with Euskirribakondara and Jeru FC was taking place. Princesss Melody and Carrie Buds with a broken leg

Melody: OK, what did you do yourself?
Carrie: I tripped over a rock
Melody: Not your shoelaces or underwear?
Carrie: No, it was a rock
Melody: Just watch where you walk ya big silly
Carrie: I'm just cursed

Melody: You know this means you're out of the cup now
Carrie: I know. I feel like I've let everyone down
Melody: At your age, you must be more careful.
Carrie: I TRY
Melody: So ... what's this?
Carrie: The rock I tripped over

Melody: Looks like Sepentine
Carrie: It's snake poo then?
Melody: No, it is not snake poo.
Carrie: Oh, I don't get it.
Melody: Did you fail geology
Carrie: I didn't pass English either

Melody: Gee, and you have kids ...
Carrie: Actually they are smarter than me
Melody: So is this rock.
Carrie: I guess it is
Melody: We can't drag you around during this cup. Since you can't do anything anyway
Carrie: I don't want to clear toilets on crutches

Melody: Really? They make you do that?
Carrie: Yeah
Melody: How many bones have you broken?
Carrie: Lost count
Melody: You're gonna be cripple in old age
Carrie: I'd probably be dead before then

Melody: I'll make sure ... you're not cleaning toilets when you get home
Carrie: Then I'll be washing dishes
Melody; You don't need to bend over to wash dishes
Carrie: Oh yes
Melody: What are going to with this rock then?
Carrie: Keep it for good luck

Melody: You're weird

by **Filopines** » Sat Mar 30, 2013 8:41 pm

Smart, Dumb and Funny
Part 1
Part 2

*at Kate and Rachel's*
(TV: Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.)
Kate: Is he high?
Rachel: Yeah, apparently the hosts put something in his coffee. He's not even wearing pants.
(Luis walks through door)
Luis: Happy Pencil Day guys!
Kate: Are you high?
Luis: What? Who cares! It's Pencil Day!
Kate: What's Pencil Day?
Luis: Oh it's from this website my brother showed me.
Kate: What website's that?
Luis: daysoftheyear.com
Kate: (sarcastically) I'll try to check it out.
Luis: Hey Rach, do you wanna to double date? This girl has this friend and he is really cute! Uhh........I am not gay!
Rachel: Sure, I'll do it.
Luis: Come on, be happy. You haven't gone on a date for five months!
Rachel: I'm just waiting for the right guy to come along.
Luis: Pshh, yeah right!
Rachel: I'm serious!
Luis: Whatever. Maybe this guy tonight will be the right guy.
Rachel: You're gonna be wrong.

*at newspaper HQ*
Man in office: Alright, so we all agree to write Matthew Kerr as Kerry in tomorrow's crossword?
(Everyone agrees)
(buzz)
Lady: There's two people who want to see you. Julie Denton and Aaron Bolbing.
Man in office: Let them in......(lets go of button)NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Everyone get out!!! NOW!!!!
(door opens)
Man in office: Hello Ms Denton and Mr Bolbing. I am Kurt Hackney. I am the head crossword writer here at WhatGoss.
Aaron: I play for the national team for Filopines. I do not deserve to be treated this way.
Kurt Hackney: What?
Julie: Shut up. You hurt Aaron's feelings by spelling his name wrong in the other day's crossword.
Kurt: Feelings, what feelings?
(Aaron sobs)
Kurt: What is wrong with him?
(Julie jumps in Kurt's face)
Julie: Do NOT....EVAH SAY THAT AGAIN!!!
Kurt: Woah! Woah, woah woah...WOAH! What the hell is wrong with YOU?!
Julie: Do you want to see me cry?! (fake cries) YOU HAPPY?!
Kurt: Hey, where's your friend?
Julie: Aaron?! Where are you?!
Kurt: As I said, what is wrong with hi-
Julie: Don't start.
Kurt: Sorry.
Aaron: (whispers) Julie!
Julie: Aaron?
Aaron: Shhhhhhhhhh. I've set up a booby trap. Once he passes that desk right there, those sensors there and there will close the automatic doors quickly and will fall onto his back and will most likely be concussed.
Julie: Good job! How did you do it?
Aaron: Yeah, well, you know....
(Kurt walks past desk then bumps into door and falls back)

*20 minutes later at the same place*
(Police and medics arrive while Kurt is laying unconcious)
Aaron: We did well, Jules! Hi 5!
Julie: We could go to jail for this, Aaron!
Aaron: Don't worry, it's fine.
(Police officer walks up to Aaron and Julie)
Police officer: Mr Bolbing, you are under arrest.
Aaron: WHAT?!

by **New Sideburn** » Sat Mar 30, 2013 8:47 pm

THE BRINEMOUTH HERALD
New Sideburn edges Yelvodia at home; Ramsey faintly amused by inability to seal games by a margin of two goals
by Matt Hope
It was a capacity crowd at the Farham Theatre, where New Sideburn overcame a full-strength Yelvodia side despite an early setback. Trailing at the break, a superb strike just outside the area from Karelline Charmwell, as well as a penalty from Lukas Strongnesse (prompted by a strong shove on Alicia Scabbard off the ball during a corner) meant that it was the Cormorants who came away with the three points, securing third place in the group. A full report follows on page 15.
Portia Thrift has come under criticism for continually failing to keep clean sheets, but she had a superb match today to keep her side in the game. Yelvodia managed a few spirited attacks, and Thrift was forced to pull out eight saves, one a spectacular dive to punch away Connor Evans' strike. There can truly be no doubts that the Crisisbless stopper and twice-consecutive Iron Gauntlet winner has established herself as the best keeper in the side.
Ramsey looked more comfortable than ever during the press conference. When confronted with the question of why seven victories in eight have been by one goal, he only smirked. "Has it really been that many? Christ."
The Cormorants travel to the Sacred Heart in Yesopalitha on Tuesday, to face a highly disciplined defensive outfit. Signs point to a tough struggle, but things have been looking up lately, and one cannot help but fancy our chances.

Further Intense Training
"Gotta admit it," said Leila, who felt kind of like vomiting blood, "this training is doing wonders for our stamina."
Anna Shrike staggered and stumbled to make it next to her. Traditionally on the receiving end of a few good-natured chants of "Who ate all the pies?", Anna was failing to cope as well as the skinny, sprightly Leila. "Yeah," she wheezed. "Fuckin' fantastic."
"Relax," said Leila, cheerfully. "You'll get used to it, when you aren't an unfit alcoholic."
"I like being an unfit alcoholic. My ability to be an unfit alcoholic and also a good wingback is what gives me pleasure in life."
Leila snorted, and Anna clouted her over the back of the head.

The Lotii are back! Briefly!
Sophia Lotus sat drinking in a bar, studying the replay over and over. She just... couldn't get her head around how that 3-5-2 was so disciplined and efficient in defence. It was like they had a sixth sense, one that specialised in skullfucking enemy momentum.
There had to be a weakness. There had to be a way. And if the state was gonna pay her to watch football over and over again, then she was bloody well gonna do it.

The Lovebirds
Angela shifted on Gethin's chest as the two lay in bed. Things might be good now... they were undoubtedly good now. But... she couldn't help wondering. What if it all went wrong?
"Gethin?" she said, hesitantly. "What happens if we start losing and the press turns against us?"
The manager gazed blearily at her, then gave her a reassuring squeeze around the midriff. "They won't, dear. It's all going to be alright."
"That's not exactly descriptive." Angela shifted again, to sit on her calves on the futon. "I'm... I'm really enjoying all this. The rapid, unpredictable movements, the not-seeing-home-in-weeks, and that's not being sarcastic. I love this life we're having. And I love you. And I don't want some windbag in the press trying to take away your credit." Before Gethin could reply, she cleared her throat and went on. "Look. It's clear that we're just... less technically, and technologically, advanced than most of these teams. We've got strength, courage and talent, sure, but we're just... primitive, next to some of these teams. I understand that. You understand that. Some of the players probably understand that. But will the media get it? There's teams out there we've got to play that are just a cut above us, no matter what."
Gethin cocked his head at her. "You've... really thought this through, haven't you." Angela nodded. "Christ, and some people think you're just a trophy wife..." The national manager sat up and wrapped an arm around his girlfriend's plump, rounded shoulders. "Look, Ange... I know this team inside out. Nobody else can do what I'm doing. And I can take this team places, high places, you know that! Everyone has to realise that!"
"I know, Gethin. And I trust you." Angela slumped, sinking back into the bed. "But it's not me you'll have to convince."
Gethin sighed. "Yeah. I know."

by **Andossa Se Mitrin Vega** » Sat Mar 30, 2013 10:13 pm

Laken Kim'athu walked slowly back to her dorm room on the campus of South Beach University. The squad had been granted a short leave so they could return to their homes to celebrate Homeland Founding Day (as one would say it in English) and yet she had returned to university to wrap up some loose ends concerning her studies. Completing any degree while playing college sports was a hard enough of a challenge without the pressure and time consumption that went along with being on the National Side. And the fact that she was set to begin her post grad studies in Oceanographic Biology rather than the simpler courses most elite athletes chose to pursue degrees in made it all that more important that she spend every possible moment making sure that she would not find herself in a bind later.

The sprawling, beach front campus was predominantly devoid of students and professors alike as most chose to n fact, she had spent several hours in the lab working on a few things that she had made private quests of during the last year. She had been alone for the entirety of her work there and for most of the next couple as well as she studied in the campus library. Only at lunch had she seen anyone else save the quiet student aide librarian. The cafeteria had held at least two dozen students, most of them music majors as was evidenced by the nonstop singing and critiquing that had been going on.

Now she walked alone down the quiet sidewalk along the edge of the Green as the afternoon breeze tussled he shoulder length brown hair. It was rather peaceful after the strange few past weeks in Errion Vega. She had gained a secret admirer since the start of qualification, ’the price of fame’ she had been told, and it had been nice at first to get the flowers and such. Yet over the past week and a half things had turned weird as the notes that accompanied had become a bit too personal. She had even begun to question if the admirer was actually a stalker. But her three days in Kelsey had gone a long way to calm her fears as she had received nothing strange at all. In fact, the only call she had received at all had been from her mother last night making sure that she was going to be home tomorrow. The whole family would be there and it had been a long time since she had seen any of them. She was excited that she would be there for breakfast. All she had to do was to make her flight at 9:30 tonight. That would be easy enough as she only had to finish a short bit of her course logs before then.

She entered Ta’ilik Hall and waved to the security guard behind the des as she headed for the stairs. Her room was on the sixth floor bu that didn’t matter, she hated elevators with a passion. Besides, as she told herself, the stairs helped her to stay in shape when she couldn’t work out properly. Somewhere above her a dorr opened and slammed shut. The sound didn’t bother her overmuch as several students were calling the Hall home for the summer. She reached out and took the door handle as she reached the landing for her floor and pulled hard. This door loved to stick and today was no exception as it squealed loudly before opening. The hall was empty as expected as she moved toward the next hallway to the right where she would find her room. She froze in her tracks as she rounded the corner. There on the floor in front of her doorway was a large vase filled with more than two dozen bright red roses. Her mind began to race as she considered turning and running for the stairwell. She fought down that urge with some effort and slowly began to walk toward the flowers. Music played loudly behind the door to room 620. At least if she had any problems she should be able to rouse Kundal. The huge grid ball player from Meldinburgh should be able to take care of any problems that could arise. Slowly she knelt and picked up the small card that was with the flowers. She began to tremble as she read it…

“Sorry for the lack of flowers over the past few days. I should have known you would come here before heading to Warden’s Reach. By the way, your grandmother is doing quite well and cant wait to see you tomorrow.”

Laken let the note slip from her fingers and fall to the dark green carpet of the hallway. She was nearly in a state of shock. She was being followed by a stalker. A low noise caught her attention and she looked up to see a quick shadow disappear around the corner. A few seconds later and she was banging on Kundal’s door…

by **United Gordonopia** » Sat Mar 30, 2013 11:58 pm

Strengthened with all might, according to his glorious power, unto all patience and longsuffering with joyfulness
-Colossians 1:11

Branson had been right on both counts. It had taken a month for the Arbitrat's tech division to extract all of the data from the captured Republican hard drives, and a week more to decrypt it. Whoever had been supplying them hadn't been scraping the bottom of the barrel. The data contained within, though, was bad news to say the least.

"This is Taffy. I trust that a few of you know it well. For those of you who don't, and who somehow managed to get here without knowing Gordonopia's major territorial holdings, the Empire annexed half of the island under the auspices of forming a 'Union Coalition' to reunite the fractured city-states eight years ago. Problem was, the Counties of Tir, just to the North, weren't too keen on us expanding so close to their sphere of influence."

Arbitrator Warren Gable's history lesson was only reiterating the point to Norm Bates, who had researched the situation in Taffy not two hours before. While Norm did remember hearing about the 'Fanshaw Crisis' back when it was in the headlines, he had not followed it closely. Now, almost a decade later, it was central to understanding what had fueled the Republican holdout forces in their destructive death march.

"Rather than give us free reign in our territorial pursuits, the Counties broke their self-imposed isolation to back a rogue warlord in control of the City-State of Kalinin. Though our puppet coalition was able to secure a large part of the island, Warlord Makai's brutes overran the rest. We couldn't directly oppose him without risking a major war, but Makai knew that it would be his swift end if he attacked our holdings. Quick diplomacy, as well as forces led by myself and General Willhelm Stricht, secured what we could, though the animosity between our subjects and Kalinin's forces remains to this day.

"You might ask why any of this is important, so I'll cut to the chase. A month ago, Archangel team crushed the last Republican holdout band deep in the Northern Mountains. Among their captured equipment were several hard drives containing information that indirectly implicates Kalinin as the backer of the Republicans since Ohoku fell in Gordonopia City. Seems they wanted to find some way to stick a thorn in our side. It is, unfortunately, not enough for us to justify war against he bastards, but Force doesn't fight the open war.

"The data we recovered also alluded to some sort of major attack in the works, but we couldn't find anything concrete. This is where we come in."

Norm began to feel the rush of excitement that came with receiving any mission. If Kalinin wanted to antagonize Gordonopia, they should have done in it in the open. At least then they would have been up against the regulars. Now they would have to deal with God's own vengeance.

It took nearly half an hour for Gable to present the entire plan of action. Force's biggest in years. Six strike teams would infiltrate the City-State and launch coordinated raids on several targets; all gleaned from references in the captured drives. The suspicion was that at least one of them would provide a more solid lead.

What pleased Norm the most was that Archangel had been assigned the most likely location. In a week, they would assault a pier in Johnstown, Kalinin's largest satellite, that was a suspected secret police safehouse. The attack would come by sea. Probably a reward for getting the intelligence in the first place.

After the briefing, Norm made his way back to his quarters. A small, square room with little more than a bed and locker. A fraction of his old apartment. Never really noticed the difference.

He started to lay down for a rest, but after a moment got up. On a small shelf he had installed sat three footballs. One was the match ball from the final GFA Gordonopia Cup; the only major title his scrappy West Tolten side had won during his tenure. In the center rested an aging, well-used ball. It had taken him years to find, but the Riverwork Foundry Union had finally managed to get him his father's final game ball just before the onset of the war. Finally, there was the newest edition: the match ball from the Round of 16 in World Cup 63. Norm had scored the game-winning penalty kick, and as everyone had thought it would be his final match, what with The Holy Empire being the number one team in the world, the team had voted him as the recipient.

News traveled slow to New München, and just prior to the Arbitrator's meeting, Norm had found out that the National Team had somehow beat the Dreamed Realm side once again. As he pulled that third ball down, he began to think. Empire Stadium must have been a frenzy when that final whistle had blown. And Norm had doubted.

by **Antoletia** » Sun Mar 31, 2013 12:28 am

"What the heck was that."

"Another win on the road."

"Yeah, why can't they do this at home."

"Yeah, complete bullshit."

"3-1 no less, thats quite a big win."

"Yeah, and it was very very fun to watch."

"Yeah it was epic."

"Road wins are always great for the teams psyche."

"Yeah, now if only they could win one of these home games. Or maybe take down either Saugeais or The Sylvanaes Queendom. Wins against them would be greatly appreciated."

"Yeah those would go a long way in getting us somewhere."

"Word."

Goalscorers
Filip Constaninescu - 2
Clyde Dickens - 1
Hiarchratez - 1
Raphael - 1
Stefan Sala - 1
Gheorghe von Leeweonheouck - 1

by **Taeshan** » Sun Mar 31, 2013 12:39 am

Well that was unexpected. 4 goals were scored in a game last night between the Purple Knights of Taeshan and the upstart squad from the Sova Empire. Now before you guys all get worried about the Knights losing their road game at the Sova Empire, fear not the Knights thoroughly dominated the game winning in the end with all four goals to nil. By the end of the game the home sides fans had long since given up and eventually started to cheer on the brilliant passing and defensive game of the Purple Knights. With almost 80 percent of the possession by the end of the game the Knights controlled the game beyond any sort of control they have had in a game in a while. The Knights played a perfect game in the end showing what a great team they are, and how their recent show of confidence continues to be a very well shown offensive.

The big news of the day was that Ender Wiggin hit the 50 career goals mark with a brilliant hat trick. Starting off the scoring only 14 minutes into the game he got his 48th goal from a Peter Fasnacht corner. The second goal would be scored only ten minutes later with a free kick screamer curled nicely into the net making it 2-0. The third goal broke up the straight hat trick when the second striker Brian Ibrahim harassed the Sova Empire defense into a mistake and then slotted home a strike after a mistake by the center back. The final Knights goal and the 50th career goal for Ender Wiggin came off of a brilliant run of play that led to a Jordan Jaffacake through ball leading to a nice one touch goal.

Goalscorers

Ender Wiggin - 6
Brian Ibrahim - 2
Tyler Icicle - 1
Gwyn Juniper - 1

*Note on an early RP i had wrongly attributed Ibrahim's first goal to Aaron Conrad, after a video review by certain committees it was decided the goal was Ibrahim's.

by **Barunia** » Sun Mar 31, 2013 1:00 am

[b]BNN Sports Newswire - WC64 Leading goalscorers
Barunia Suns:
Victor Castolo 5
Horatio Montoya 1
Fabrice Sagoro 1
Pablo Zokora 1

GAME FOUR

Pacifique Tsebo
The team's protest at the start of the last game seemed to have worked. As the team stood on the field at Northport, the anthem of the Federation was played. The team stood shoulder to shoulder, singing the familiar words.
"Barunia, Barunia
Of your glory we will sing.
For the people, forever…"

As the music built to its crescendo. Pacifique looked up at the stands. To his eyes, it was a blur of blue and yellow, with flashes of red and white. There was not a free seat, as fifty-thousand Barunian fans had turned up to see the Suns take on Karditan, one of the best sides in the world. It was hard to believe, staring at the wall of cheering fans, that Barunia was at war.

As Pacifique thought of the war, the words of the anthem came back into his mind. "For the people, forever." That was what they were fighting for, to re-establish the government that was for the people. Tsebo had his own personal reasons for supporting the socialist government, as did most of the Suns. As they lined up for the start of the match, Pacifique glanced over at Lucio David.It couldn't be easy on him, Pacifique reflected, being the nephew of a hated dictator. It was hard to tell what Lucio thought about it, as he rarely said much. Pacifique told himself that he should really find out how David was going. After the match. Right now, the game was started, and for the next ninety minutes protecting his goal was the number one priority.

Lucio David
One all. The score at halftime was closer than David had been expecting, but he couldn't feel pleased with himself. He'd barely touched the ball all day, and he'd let their striker, Cansetta, through to score in the first ten minutes. If it hadn't been for the efforts of Millet, Pacifique and Willans, Karditan would be miles ahead by now. But it was almost all on the back foot, with only a few chances for the Suns at the other end. Luckily, Castolo had managed to find the back of the net for a late-half equaliser.

Wiggens was pleased with their performance so far, and the rest of the team were in high spirits, laughing and joking with one another. But not Lucio. Ever since the war had begun, he'd been conscious of chill in the atmosphere whenever he was around. It wasn't fair, he thought. He was a socialist, just like the rest of them. He wasn't responsible for the actions of the rest of his family. If only he could tell his teammates that, but as usual he couldn't find the words. Speech was something he struggled at, so while the rest of the team discussed tactics, he was silent, simply listening to the discussion as it ebbed and flowed.

Fifteen minutes after half time, Cansetta once again broke past David. This time, neither Millet or Willans could stop the shot from reaching the back of the net to give Karditan the lead. "Damn, they're just too good." David muttered, as he headed back to his starting position for the restart. At least no one was yelling at him for failing to stop the Karditan striker. He remembered Ruskin losing it at him during the first game against Powersith. That had hurt, especially coming from someone he liked and respected. Ruskin was the captain of the Marion Hawks in the BFL, the same team that Lucio played for. He'd never seen Ruskin act like that to anyone, not even when they'd lost the grand final in an extra-time nailbiter to Porthaven United. He'd been upset, disappointed, but never angry. But after losing a single World Cup qualifier, Ruskin had gotten so angry he'd quit the team. David just couldn't understand it.

Pacifique Tsebo
Pacifique stared down the other need of the pitch, trying to make out what was going on. With his weak eye sight, the opposite goal was simply a blur of light blue and dark black, as the Suns put the pressure on Karditan for the first time in the match. Suddenly the stadium erupted in sound, as fifty-thousand voices roared in on. "What happened?" Thought Pacifique, "A foul? Close shot? Surely it couldn't be a goal? Wait, they're celebrating up there. We scored? Yes, we did!" Pacifique punched the air in excitement as he watched the replay on the big screen. Zokora was the man of the moment, curling the ball past a stunned Emanuel Portico to level the score.

The whole team seemed to come alive after that goal. The Karditan's kept coming back at the Barunians, but couldn't break through the midfield. Then, a chance. Korzado gave Bhara the slip and sent a through ball towards Cansetta, who was running in on goal. Pacifique saw the pass coming, and intercepted it with an outstretched foot. He could hear the crowd cheer in response to his action, and with the thought of defending the goal very much in his mind, he cleared the ball upfield before the Robber Barons could get it back.

Pacifique only found out what had happened afterwards. He'd lost sight of the ball in mid-air, and hadn't seen St. John take it in mid-air and pass it off to Zokora, and he didn't see when Zokora's pass to Sagoro was cut out by Mendoza. Nor did Pacifique see when the ball, on it's way out of the box, ended up at the feet of Victor Castolo, who sent it back the way it had come with a low, flat screamer that shaved the woodwork and the tips of Portico's fingers as it buried itself into the side of the net.

Pacifique might not have seen the goal, but he certainly knew about it. Their was no mistaking the fan's reaction to it. If Pacifique had thought they were loud when the equaliser was scored, it was nothing compared to the moment when castle scored the winner. And it was the winner. With Wiggens immediately taking Sagoro and Zokora off, and Clinton and newcomer Woods running on bolster the defence, the Karditans were unable to score again. They came close in the ninety-third minute, when Korzado shot from range, but was denied by an excellent save from Willans. Seconds later, the whistle went, and the Barunians stood stunned, hardly able to believe that they'd won against such a powerful team.

by **Shadowbourne** » Sun Mar 31, 2013 4:26 am

Chapter I

Dear Diary,

We have once again emerged from the pitch gloriously victorious. As we left behind us the screams and chants of the spectators behind, it was clear that our journey to the World Cup was no longer an ordinary one. We are on a journey to restore the pride of a nation. After the ravaging war, we feel that the only was to return Shadowbourne's once unwavering pride is to qualify for the World Cup. The last 12 months have been a time of great athletic let down for our great nation; We came within one game of making the World Baseball Classic playoffs, failed to finish in the top three at the WKC, and put on an abysmal showing in the Campionato Esportiva. Despite this, I, for one, am a true believer in our ability to beat the odds and reach the World Cup proper. As was apparent from last night's turn out, our fans were, too; once again, they supported us with incredible energy, with raucous cheers of glee and bellowing shouts of encouragement. This game, to us, to them, is everything. We were hardly playing the best team in the world; our victory had never been in doubt. But despite this, our fans turned up full force, to support not only us, but our nation.

Games like this are why I play football.

Near the goal, head sunk into my shoulders
as I sprint, I take the ball
spat at my feet,

dribble it around a thatch of yellow shirts
and, sliding between the legs
of two defenders, belt it hard

into that caged, invisible something
beyond the green reason of the field
into the netted calm no one enters.

The home crowd's ear-splitting rant
grows seismic. Screams blur
to wind howl and cymbals.

A jig-step. I raise my fists
as laurels. In a walking faint,
I gallop round the pitch,

leaping, as if lovesick,
into Cochrane's arms, leaping
to the hypnotic boom of the crowd.

-Andrew Wirahadi

World Cup 64 RP Thread

Matchday 4: Licenciapacisterra 0–0 Mapletish

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