After falling short last go-round, Expos will need to overcome at least one of two powerhouses to make it to Cassadaigua
After months of not-baseball, baseball has returned, bringing joy to the hearts of baseball fans everywhere. And this spring we get the pleasure of another World Baseball Classic, instead of a month of sitting through spring training, watching the stars work on their golf swings and marking off those last few grueling days before the season finally starts. And with a pair of legitimate superstars anchoring the lineup - Ephraim Zimbalist Jr. leading off and Jean-Charles Saint-Anton poised to drive him in - this Reformed Expos team is looking better offensively than any of the previous additions, at least on paper.
Famous last words, to be sure. But this is the part of the tournament when all we can do is speculate idly, and speculate we shall. Will the Reformed Expos win their group? Of course not! That is because they share a group with Western Cuba (3). The multiverse is littered with teams that have tried, and failed, to beat Western Cuba. By your correspondent's reckoning, there are 56 teams in this tournament that aren't as good as the Western Cubans. Anything can happen in baseball, except for touchdowns, and road upsets at Western Cuba. They ought to cruise handily.
If the Reformed Expos can beat Qazox (15) twice, they will be a Good Team that will probably end up in the playoffs. If they split with Qazox, it will be up to the other four teams in the group to determine who will advance, and the Expos will either be a Pack of Scrappers who fundamentaled their way into the elimination stages, or they will have Fought Hard and Come Up Just Short. If the Expos drop both games to the Green Oxen they will be Disappointments who will need to be Reshuffled before the next WBC.
(If the Reformed Expos beat Qazox twice, but still miss the playoffs, they will be Enigmas. 25 years from now, long-form journalists will write long-form journalism about What Really Happened, What Could Have Been, and What It All Really Meant.)
The Reformed Expos are the third-best team in Group 7, and your correspondent would just like to mention that if he has to watch the Reformed Expos piss away another game because Lionel Dayton cannot manage a bullpen for shit, he will gargle wood alcohol and shrapnel.
Fourth-ranked in the group is The Priory of St. Luc (54). They're the French nation that's not us - no, not Sicoutimont either - no, the other French nation in the WBC. They wear their old-timey
Because when Sir Obadiah or Sir Stephen cometh unto the plate with runners in scoring position? Verily, they delivereth those men from the perils of being stranded forevermore. Woe betide the pitcher who misplaces a fastball or hangs a breaking pitch over the plate! Forsooth, these brave knights shall smite it into the gap.
Your correspondent is eagerly looking forward to hearing just how the announcers will mispronounce The Jahistic Unified Republic (65). That said, Jessie Emswiler is probably the most underrated player in the whole damn WBC.
Cowardly Pacifists (UR) are making their first stab at international baseball after a few cycles in the World Cup. Although nobody here has ever seen them play ball before, if their football team is anything to go by, expect a side that favors run prevention over offense from their position players. Which is fine by your correspondent. Most at-bats are failures, statistically speaking, and spectacular defensive play is worth admiring even if it screws your homeland over.
Our final prediction: the Reformed Expos will finish second if everything goes well, and fifth if everything doesn't.