Baggieland's Birthday Bash - Wife Carrying

[Baggieland]

Baggieland's Birthday Bash

Wife-carrying Invitational

Please do not post here unless you received an invitation

To celebrate Baggieland's ten years of existence, we bring you the first ever wife-carrying competition.

Here are the rules:

The course is 253.5 metres long.
There is one wet obstacle (a pool).
There are two dry obstacles (log hurdles).
The woman doesn't have to be the man's wife.*
The woman must be at least 49 kg in weight (otherwise the man must compete with added weight to compensate for this).*
The winner receives two kegs of Old Speckled Throstle – the best beer in the multiverse.

*As with all NS Sports competitions, the definition of 'wife', 'woman' and 'man' are very loosely defined, anyone / thing can be entered: two women, sentient objects, a cat and a dog, whatever!

All races will be held at the Bolingoli Wife-carrying Course, Cunningham Island:



The prize:



Match-ups
All match-ups will be assigned using random.org.

Scorination Schedule (TBA after sign ups are complete)
Heats
Knock-outs
Final

Couples Roster
Minimum requirement:
Name your couples
Your trigram
Their preferred method of carrying: piggyback, fireman's carry or Baggielandian style.*
(The method has no bearing on the result)

*In RL this is called Estonian style, but as I'm the first to host wife-carrying, I've got the naming rights!

Scorination
I looked around the scorinator to find the nearest match and I'm going to use athletics women's 400m hurdles to scorinate. Women's 400m hurdles is a dash with obstacles, just like wife-carrying. The average winning time in RL wife-carrying is about 60 seconds, the average time the scorinator puts out for women's 400m hurdles is about 58 seconds. So, I think this is a pretty good match.

[Baggieland]

Welcome to Baggieland

Baggieland is a tropical island nation with a plethora of sun-kissed beaches lined with majestic palms. There are plenty of water sports to enjoy such as surfing, snorkelling and scuba diving on pristine coral reefs, together with a vibrant and exciting nightlife. Visitors can also venture into the unspoiled wilderness to experience jungle trekking, white water rafting and mountain climbing in this nation that has it all.





There are four main cities:

Hawthorn is the capital and by far the largest city. It has the nation’s sole airport, which serves international flights only. It surrounds Lake Throstle, which actually isn’t a lake, but an inland sea.

Albion has Baggieland’s only deep-water port and is the centre of all international trade, as well as being home to the Baggielandian Royal Navy. It is an industrial city and the only one without a beach, so most tourists avoid it.

Stoney Lane and the nearby Ark Island have the best snorkelling and scuba diving spots.

Bunn’s Field has the best surfing beaches and there are also good snorkelling and scuba diving locations around Birches Island.

There are three smaller populated areas in the Three Degrees region:

Regis Island, Batson Island and Cunningham Island. These islands have good surfing, snorkelling and scuba diving as well, but they are best known by scuba divers for the abundance of ship wrecks.

There are no cars in Baggieland, but there is a very efficient public transportation system. There are trams within cities, trains between cities and ferries to the islands. All of which run every few minutes from early in the morning until late at night. The longest route, Cunningham Island to Ark Island, takes no more than five hours.

Travel Warning Advisory

Are you wondering why there are so many ship wrecks in the Three Degrees Region? There is a rogue submarine, HMS Onslaught, that operates in this area. They approach the ferries looking for booty and often sink the ships if they’re not satisfied with their plunder (they always allow the passengers and crew into the lifeboats first: no one has ever been lost). They operate from HMS Gnejs, which is their (not so) secret base located somewhere in the north of Baggieland. The Tavern at HMS Gnejs is a popular drinking spot for many Baggies and tourists alike.
Danger rating: 5/10. They might be satisfied with their booty.

As Baggieland has an equatorial climate, there are sharks in the seas off the coast, but no shark nets. If you should find yourself up against a tiger shark while enjoying the beach life, well… you’re on your own.
Danger rating: 1/10. Shark attacks are infrequent and rarely fatal. Shark diving tours are available.

Etiquette in Baggieland

As in any country, there are some social 'Dos and Don'ts'. Here are some pointers to make sure your stay in Baggieland doesn't cause any cultural misunderstandings:

1. Always bow to fast-food workers before placing your order (a bit of appreciation for those who sacrifice their social lives in order to serve us).
2. Always eat lasagna with a spoon (not as uncouth as it sounds).
3. If you seek the advice of Guru Beth Rati Pumba, an all-knowing sage who lives in the Throstle Mountains, make sure to bring him a gift (lasagna will suffice).
4. The Royal Family are revered in Baggieland; please pay respect (the national anthem is played everyday at 6pm and before every film showing at cinemas).

National Anthem

[Baggieland]

Baggieland's Wife-carrying Contestants

1. King Alswitch & Queen Alma (BGG).
Method: piggyback.



2. Guru Beth Rati Pumba & Lei Siulung (BGG).
Method: fireman's carry.

[HMS Onslaught]

HMS Onslaught's Wife-carrying Contestants

1. Captain Fletcher & Proprietress Molly (HMS).
Method: Baggielandian style.



2. Rear Admiral Øye & Serving wench Connie (HMS).
Method: piggyback.



3. Leading Seaman Bryan & Unsinkable Sam (HMS).
Method: fireman's carry.

[Ko-oren]

Gerases Esesorenthen & Tizoden Esesorenra (KOR)
Permanent representative to Anaia & Minister of Public Transport, husband and wife
Baggielandian style

Autju Arzehnra & Tei Warmeling (KOR)
Second rower & winger at Mayara Wanderers-Vulpecula, professional rugby union
Fireman's carry

Nolivisa Kawashima & Naritaka Mitsubayashi (KOR)
Second rower & winger at Katashi Wasps, professional rugby league

[Gnejs]

The Prosaic Union’s entrants to Baggieland's Wife-carrying Invitational


1. Hannah (PUG) and Gilbert (ETM). Fireman’s carry.

2. Tangeus Falk and Zarathustra Hansen (PUG). Baggielandian style.

3. Killer Bob and Little Lars (PUG). Piggyback.

The first pair consists of former Union Ministry of Culture, Sports and other Charitable Activities (MCSCA) top-bureaucrat Hannah Øye, and aspiring accountant and acting leader of the Teenage Ninja Surfers Gilbert. Now married, they are the only Union pair that actually constitute a real couple (Gilbert is an Electrumite, but still.). To complicate matters, Hannah was formerly married to Øystein, competing for HMS Onslaught alongside his beloved Connie.

The second pair consists of Head of the Gnejsian Tennis Federation (GTF), Tangeus Falk and former tennis coach, now mostly corporate consultant, and Shaman, Zarathustra Hansen. Together they developed the philosophy behind The Path of The One Ball, carving out a theory and praxis to understanding the world through the metaphysics of tennis. They’re giving wife-carrying a go to investigate whether it too may hold crucial keys to unlocking fundamental ontological mysteries. Falk will be carrying Hansen.

The last pair consists of former professional assassin and overworked/underpaid City Bureaucrat, Killer Bob and social media sensation Little Lars, mostly known for being viciously assaulted by a Baggieland tennis star. Little Lars only weighs about 25 kilos, but the pair compensates for this by switching roles and Little Lars will be carrying Killer Bob.

[TJUN-ia]

Pair 1
Yakob Sayuri and Berlyan Pertiwi (TJU)
Piggyback Method
Two Best Friends (apparently), TJUN-ian Champions (Piggyback)

Pair 2
Noah Sonko Gaye and Fatoumatta Jammeh (TJU)
Fireman's Carry Method
A Gay Guy and his Straight Friend, TJUN-ian Champions (Fireman's Carry)

Pair 3
Joonas Tunjov and Renate-Ly Tunjov (TJU)
Baggielandian (Estonian) Style
Husband and Wife, TJUN-ian Champions (Estonian Style)

[Zwangzug]

Zwangzug's teams (trigram ZWZ)

Griffith Puyo-Sachar, carrier, and Nancy Puyo-Sachar, carry-ee, are actually married and both accomplished athletes in their own right. Griffith was a shortstop for the Weegham Rainmakers and the national baseball team; after retiring as a player, he became the "Zebras''" manager, leading them to a runner-up finish in WBC55. Although his penchant for Dune references can get out of hand, he is generally agreed to be a competent strategist. Nancy played midfield for Trebuchet Cham and the national football team. The couple met as broomball teammates at Universitaet Schwandt, in Cham, and have a young daughter, Charlotte. They will compete via piggyback style.

Daniel Morris-Smith (of the Worshipful Cherubim), carrier, and Chloe Patel (of the Glorious Seraphim), carry-ee, are unrelated but both zealous adherents of the Divine Host of Archangels new religious movement. They signed up for this competition in the hopes of protesting problematic heterosexist stereotypes, only to find that the event was in fact very open and inclusive in its range of competitors, but at this point they're too invested to quit. They will compete via Baggielandian style.

[Kriegiersien]

National trigram:
KGS

Rob (Robert).
A giant Racing snail with the size of a very big horse, has a Phd in Physics.



Cam, a small cute Black Bear.
Master in honey competitve eating.
Weight: under 80 kg. Really. He was fasting.




Method of carrying: Cam lying on Robs back, snoring.


Both married recently to be able to compete as couple. They are just here to have some fun.
And win of course.

[Electrum]

Electrum - ETM

Pair 1
Billiam Maskey (chief-editor-in-chief of The Turnip) and a 49kg box of turnips (piggyback)
Piggy back method (the box of turnips will be strapped to Maskey's back but it is definitely NOT a backpack, we can definitely assure you, there is no way we would cheat by having a SIMPLE BACKPACK)

Pair 2
Gertrude Pullman (geriatric athlete) and her various, numerous Olympic medals (Baggielandian probably???)
Yes it seems a bit too advantageous for Gertrude Pullman to wear her various, numerous Olympic medals as her 'wife' but really she's really old. If anything, she's disadvantaged by the fact that she will likely struggle running through the course, and that's even without a 49kg weight. We expect her to collapse around halfway through.

Pair 3
Tyler Fernando and Rosalind Corby (fireman carry)
Probably two of Electrum's most famous athletes. Tyler Fernando was the World Cup 'winning' captain and is as fit as he has ever been. Rosalind Corby is an ex-athlete, former Minister of Sport and former President of the Olympic Council. She spends her days gardening.

[Sylestone]

Brett Sarcav-Jones and Alicia Eastwood (SYL)
No one knows why they're entering as both are only 17 and hence not allowed to drink, but whatever. Neither weigh very much (Alicia just scrapes in over the 50kg mark) but after Brett's heroics for Avondale City in the League Number One (nee. Toilet League) saw him achieve a national debut as part of the Campionato Esportiva squad, many people are expected to be behind him and his girlfriend as they utilise the piggyback method.

Fridge and Silestone (SYL)
Name a better duo than the current Fridge FC mifield couple, with both playing football in Sylestone for many years, with the Fridge even boasting over 200 national caps. In this race, the Fridge will carry the 49kg slab of Silestone (yes, the footballer just happens to weigh that much... yeah). Their preferred method of carrying is literally just the Silestone sitting atop the Fridge and going vroom and if that is not allowed, then they may be in for a bit of trouble as neither have arms and arms are kinda necessary for all three methods of carrying.

[HUElavia]

Marc Navarro and Ayuka Hamada Navarro (HUE)
HUElavia's most famous sporting couple, who were a massive hit during their playing days, but now at age 54 and 53 respectively, are looking to represent HUElavia once more, even in such a tournament.

Raul Nascimento Jardim and Rafaela Nascimento Lópes (HUE)
The modern day power couple in sports, Raul and Rafaela are enjoying their post-playing days serving as board directors for FC Santos and decided to participate in this competition just for the fun of it.

Saul Carpentier and Marta Carpentier (HUE)
The former HUElavian President and First Lady seek to enjoy their post-Green House days by having some fun in Baggieland and possibly make a name for themselves. Ever since his presidency ended, Ex-President Carpentier is known to be a solid drinker, along with his wife.

[HMS Onslaught]

Yaar, we be withdrawing as Unsinkable Sam be asleep in the forward torpedo tube, and I can't be dislodging him!

[Baggieland]

Sign-ups are closed.

[Baggieland]

With 24 couples signed up, here's the schedule:

Heats. 11 May for Group 1. 13 May for Group 2.
There will be two groups of 12 couples, with the fastest eight from each group progressing.

Round of 16. 15 May
One couple vs another couple, the winners progress to the quarters.

Quarter-finals. 17 May

Semi-finals. 19 May

Final. 21 May

[Baggieland]

Group 1:

Hannah & Gilbert (PUG/ETM)
Daniel Morris-Smith & Chloe Patel (ZWZ)
Captain Fletcher & Proprietress Molly (HMS)
Noah Sonko Gaye & Fatoumatta Jammeh (TJU)
Nolivisa Kawashima & Naritaka Mitsubayashi (KOR)
Rear Admiral Øye & Serving wench Connie (HMS)
Griffith Puyo-Sachar & Nancy Puyo-Sachar (ZWZ)
Killer Bob & Little Lars (PUG)
Guru Beth Rati Pumba & Lei Siulung (BGG)
Billiam Maskey & a box of turnips (ETM)
Gertrude Pullman & her Olympic medals (ETM)
Autju Arzehnra & Tei Warmeling (KOR)

Group 2:

Fridge & Silestone (SYL)
Tangeus Falk & Zarathustra Hansen (PUG)
Yakob Sayuri & Berlyan Pertiwi (TJU)
Brett Sarcav-Jones & Alicia Eastwood (SYL)
Raul Nascimento Jardim & Rafaela Nascimento Lópes (HUE)
Joonas Tunjov & Renate-Ly Tunjov (TJU)
Tyler Fernando & Rosalind Corby (ETM)
Gerases Esesorenthen & Tizoden Esesorenra (KOR)
King Alswitch & Queen Alma (BGG)
Marc Navarro & Ayuka Hamada Navarro (HUE)
Saul Carpentier & Marta Carpentier (HUE)
Rob & Cam (KGS)

(sorted by random.org)

[Baggieland]

[Baggieland]

Group 1 Heat:

*1 Captain Fletcher & Proprietress Molly (HMS)              55.93
 2 Nolivisa Kawashima & Naritaka Mitsubayashi (KOR)         56.14
 3 Killer Bob & Little Lars (PUG)                           56.40
 4 Gertrude Pullman & her Olympic medals (ETM)              56.54
 5 Daniel Morris-Smith & Chloe Patel (ZWZ)                  56.64
 6 Guru Beth Rati Pumba & Lei Siulung (BGG)                 56.75
 7 Griffith Puyo-Sachar & Nancy Puyo-Sachar (ZWZ)           57.51
 8 Autju Arzehnra & Tei Warmeling (KOR)                     57.52
 9 Noah Sonko Gaye & Fatoumatta Jammeh (TJU)                57.60
10 Rear Admiral Øye & Serving wench Connie (HMS)            57.62
11 Billiam Maskey & a box of turnips (ETM)                  57.74
12 Hannah & Gilbert (PUG/ETM)                               58.21

[Gnejs]

Hannah had always been a fairly competitive person. This was known.

The idea of competing in “Wife-Carrying” was perhaps ridiculous, but it had stirred something deep within her. Ever more so when she realized that Øystein and that harlot would be competing as well.

She initially planned on not accepting the invitation; it was just so silly. But that little stirring sensation just kept growing and growing, and in the end, she decided: she was going to win it all. Or at least beat Øystein and that floozy. She forced Gilbert to practice intensely for weeks, and come the day for their group heat, she was indeed full of confidence.

They did it, and it felt good. Maybe not top of the line but they surely did better than Øystein and that strumpet! But then the results were announced. Hannah was devastated. Not only had they not made it to the podium in their group heat, but they had also not even qualified for continued competition. But the worst of it? Øystein and that paramour of his had beaten them with almost a full second. The disappointment she felt was real; so intense that she could hardly hold back the tears.

So much time, so much effort. And she really did think they had a good chance of winning it all. Or at least besting Øystein and the lady of the evening.

Hannah knew she had to try not to let this affect her too much, but it was hard. At least Øystein and that hussy had not qualified either. There was some comfort in that.

[Baggieland]

Lei Siulung: "Øystein, what happened there?"

Øystein: "It was a tough course, it took a lot more out of me than I expected."

Connie: "Me poor lover, ye be all skin 'n' bones, let me fix ye up a nice fattening suet pudding. That'd be making ye stronger."

Hannah: "Suet pudding… hah! Øystein would never touch that awful kind of food. He likes avocado and chickpea sandwiches on sourdough bread. Don't you Øystein?"

Øystein: "Well… umm… "

Connie: "Tell her me lover. Tell her how much ye be preferring my cooking to that rabbit food she used to make ye eat."

Øystein: "Ahh… well both are quite nice… I suppose."

Captain Fletcher: "Yaar! Landsman Øye, be having lady trouble, har-har!"

Øystein: "I'm not a Landsman anymore. I'm a Rear-Admiral now."

Lei Siulung: "Captain Fletcher, congratulations on the fastest time. That makes you an early favourite."

Captain Fletcher: "Yaar, I be wanting that booty."

Lei Siulung: "Umm, the prize is Baggieland's number one beer. You live in Baggieland, you could just go down to the shops and buy some."

Captain Fletcher: "A pirate-submariner never buys… we acquire!"

Lei Siulung: "Well, the first heat is over and the main news is that I got sixth place!"

[Zwangzug]

The Kerlagrad Courier

Rejoice! Through the interceding of the Worshipful Cherubim and Glorious Seraphim (respectively), Daniel Morris-Smith and Chloe Patel have achieved victory over the repressive forces symbolized by the benighted Puyo-Sachars. While the yoking of the athletes' names may symbolize, to the naive, that they have achieved an egalitarian union, they in fact are doomed to toil in their narrow-minded ways. Meanwhile, despite boasting no such experience on the playing fields of the world, Morris-Smith and Patel completed the course nearly an entire second faster than the "professional" Zwangzugians. Moreover, they did so while embracing the local Baggieland fashion, showing true appreciation for the cultural mores of the host nation.

There were also like ten other pairs who competed.

[Baggieland]

Group 2 Heat

*1 Tangeus Falk & Zarathustra Hansen (PUG)                         55.84
 2 Rob & Cam (KGS)                                                 55.99
 3 Fridge & Silestone (SYL)                                        56.68
 4 Tyler Fernando & Rosalind Corby (ETM)                           56.73
 5 King Alswitch & Queen Alma (BGG)                                57.27
 6 Yakob Sayuri & Berlyan Pertiwi (TJU)                            57.37
 7 Saul Carpentier & Marta Carpentier (HUE)                        57.44
 8 Raul Nascimento Jardim & Rafaela Nascimento Lópes (HUE)         57.56
 9 Brett Sarcav-Jones & Alicia Eastwood (SYL)                      57.61
10 Gerases Esesorenthen & Tizoden Esesorenra (KOR)                 57.82
11 Joonas Tunjov & Renate-Ly Tunjov (TJU)                          58.20
12 Marc Navarro & Ayuka Hamada Navarro (HUE)                       59.75

[Baggieland]

Round of 16 match-ups:

Captain Fletcher & Proprietress Molly (HMS)
Raul Nascimento Jardim & Rafaela Nascimento Lópes(HUE)

Tangeus Falk & Zarathustra Hansen (PUG)
Autju Arzehnra & Tei Warmeling (KOR)

Nolivisa Kawashima & Naritaka Mitsubayashi (KOR)
Saul Carpentier & Marta Carpentier (HUE)

Rob & Cam (KGS)
Griffith Puyo-Sachar & Nancy Puyo-Sachar (ZWZ)

Killer Bob & Little Lars (PUG)
Yakob Sayuri & Berlyan Pertiwi (TJU)

Fridge & Silestone (SYL)
Guru Beth Rati Pumba & Lei Siulung (BGG)

Gertrude Pullman & her Olympic medals (ETM)
King Alswitch & Queen Alma (BGG)

Daniel Morris-Smith & Chloe Patel (ZWZ)
Tyler Fernando & Rosalind Corby (ETM)

[Kriegiersien]

“Are we there yet?”, asked Cam, lying in the grass.

“Yes, we are”, groaned Rob.

“Cool.”
Cam opened his eyes, jumped up and saw all the other participants standing around.

“Aw. Did we come in last?”

A sound like a hiss came from Robs not existing mouth.

“No. We were second. Despite me having to roll you here the last meters, because you somehow managed to fall off me. And you still managed to continue to sleep until every one else reached the finish line.”

“Wow. You are amazing. Let us have a winners beer.”

“I already had mine, a slimeshower and one beer is standing right next to you. And a lasagne.”

“I love you, Robby.”

“Yeah. Don’t forget to use the spoon… oh man”

Cam was already chomping and shovelling in the pasta with his paws.

[Baggieland]

The Round of 16:

*1 Captain Fletcher & Proprietress Molly (HMS)                    51.18
 2 Raul Nascimento Jardim & Rafaela Nascimento Lópes(HUE)         51.79

*1 Tangeus Falk & Zarathustra Hansen (PUG)         51.17
 2 Autju Arzehnra & Tei Warmeling (KOR)            52.73

*1 Nolivisa Kawashima & Naritaka Mitsubayashi (KOR)         51.15
 2 Saul Carpentier & Marta Carpentier (HUE)                 51.52

*1 Rob & Cam (KGS)                                        50.78
 2 Griffith Puyo-Sachar & Nancy Puyo-Sachar (ZWZ)         50.86

*1 Yakob Sayuri & Berlyan Pertiwi (TJU)         52.30
 2 Killer Bob & Little Lars (PUG)               52.43

*1 Guru Beth Rati Pumba & Lei Siulung (BGG)         51.14
 2 Fridge & Silestone (SYL)                         51.65

*1 Gertrude Pullman & her Olympic medals (ETM)         51.19
 2 King Alswitch & Queen Alma (BGG)                    52.60

*1 Daniel Morris-Smith & Chloe Patel (ZWZ)         50.58
 2 Tyler Fernando & Rosalind Corby (ETM)           50.84