Domestic Abuse

[Scomagia]

The OP's situation is awful. Sorry you're going through such a mess. Mercifully you are near adulthood, so just bare down and plan for your freedom. Afterwards, you owe nothing to these people. Remember that.

Growing up, domestic abuse was definitely present in my life. Step dad 1 was a drunk and a coward who regularly blustered and threatened with no provocation. Examples; I laughed at a scene in Look Who's Talking Two where someone says penis. My audacity to laugh at a comedy was met with threats to "knock my teeth down my throat" (That one was a favorite threat of his) and being told to "pull it out (my penis) if I think it's so funny". My mom protested and things got handsy, though I thankfully didn't see anything because I was sent off to bed. Another example was being forced to watch a horror film after watching and enjoying the first Harry Potter movie, (it was like bait) then being ridiculed when I woke up later drenched in sweat from a horrific nightmare. Apparently, seeking reassurance after an intensely disturbing dream was not acceptable for an eight year old or something. Third example; laying in bed in terror as he waved his fist in my face for the high crime of....frequent bed wetting.(I wonder why I had that problem...)

Thankfully, mom smartened up and got rid of the miserable prick. Her later choices weren't good fathers but at least they meant well.

Edit: I also suffered sexual abuse from each of my three older siblings (brother and two sisters). I won't go into details, not because of any aversion I have to talking about such ( I'm open about these things) but more for the sake of not grossing everyone out.

Seeing things like this makes thank God for putting me in a decent household that will never EVER do anything like that to me. But man, I feel bad for you, but also glad that you made it out of that damaging situation. Continue doing good, friend.

There's nothing like someone else's misfortune to remind you of your good fortune.

And thank you. Although if you're going to feel bad for anyone, feel bad for 5-10 year old me. Present me is doing pretty well, GAD and agoraphobia notwithstanding. In fact, a lot of my virtues come as a direct consequence of the worst parts of my childhood. I know and respect boundaries (sexual and otherwise), steadfastly enforce my own boundaries, and have a clear personal injunction against suicide (my father's suicide being the catalyst for much of the more traumatic elements of my childhood). So, silver lining and all of that.

[Scomagia]

You could look it like that, though I wouldn't. Comparing abuse can be helpful to contextualize your own situation but it can also make you minimize your own pain. You've got legit grievances. Whether they're greater or less than my experience isn't really relevant to how they make you feel.

Some part of me wanted to just wait until the night and kill him in his sleep

Perfectly understandable. The important thing is you recognize that doing such would be wrong, which I'm sure you do.

[Datlofff]

Some part of me wanted to just wait until the night and kill him in his sleep

Perfectly understandable. The important thing is you recognize that doing such would be wrong, which I'm sure you do.

Well yes its obviously wrong. But you're wrong to assume that anyone would recognize that. People like IM on here most assuredly wouldn't.

[Chestaan]

If the situation was gebeder flipped it would be domestic abuse. So yes it was domestic abuse.

That one's obvious enough that I don't think most people need to stop and think about, "What if it was gender flipped?" You're just not supposed to go around kicking guys in the balls for fun.

I think you're right. Back in the day I was a very quiet person, and went overly far to see the best in people. That and part of me was probably just glad to have a girlfriend and so ignored these other things. I really should have known better and realised that I didn't have to put up with such a toxic relationship.

[Scomagia]

Perfectly understandable. The important thing is you recognize that doing such would be wrong, which I'm sure you do.

Well yes its obviously wrong. But you're wrong to assume that anyone would recognize that. People like IM on here most assuredly wouldn't.

I would expect people in general to recognize that because there are clear biological and psychological barriers to be broken before most people will commit murder. We instinctively feel its wrongness.

IM is, I suspect, a reasonably moral actor. He is clearly obedient to the ideas of law and order, to say nothing of his personal moral convictions (which seem to be steadfastly against aggressive behavior by individuals). I've never gotten the impression he's deranged or anything. But IM isn't the topic, so let's move on.

[Huntpublic]

Seeing things like this makes thank God for putting me in a decent household that will never EVER do anything like that to me. But man, I feel bad for you, but also glad that you made it out of that damaging situation. Continue doing good, friend.

There's nothing like someone else's misfortune to remind you of your good fortune.

And thank you. Although if you're going to feel bad for anyone, feel bad for 5-10 year old me. Present me is doing pretty well, GAD and agoraphobia notwithstanding. In fact, a lot of my virtues come as a direct consequence of the worst parts of my childhood. I know and respect boundaries (sexual and otherwise), steadfastly enforce my own boundaries, and have a clear personal injunction against suicide (my father's suicide being the catalyst for much of the more traumatic elements of my childhood). So, silver lining and all of that.

It sucked that you had to be in that situation but everything happens for a reason ig

[Datlofff]

Well yes its obviously wrong. But you're wrong to assume that anyone would recognize that. People like IM on here most assuredly wouldn't.

I would expect people in general to recognize that because there are clear biological and psychological barriers to be broken before most people will commit murder. We instinctively feel its wrongness.

IM is, I suspect, a reasonably moral actor. He is clearly obedient to the ideas of law and order, to say nothing of his personal moral convictions (which seem to be steadfastly against aggressive behavior by individuals). I've never gotten the impression he's deranged or anything. But IM isn't the topic, so let's move on.

Being physically wronged is one of many barriers that when broken often lead to killings.

[The New California Republic]

There's nothing like someone else's misfortune to remind you of your good fortune.

And thank you. Although if you're going to feel bad for anyone, feel bad for 5-10 year old me. Present me is doing pretty well, GAD and agoraphobia notwithstanding. In fact, a lot of my virtues come as a direct consequence of the worst parts of my childhood. I know and respect boundaries (sexual and otherwise), steadfastly enforce my own boundaries, and have a clear personal injunction against suicide (my father's suicide being the catalyst for much of the more traumatic elements of my childhood). So, silver lining and all of that.

It sucked that you had to be in that situation but everything happens for a reason ig

Not necessarily. Really shitty stuff happens for no reason all the time. Sometimes trying to look for reason in these things is enough to drive one mad.

[Datlofff]

It sucked that you had to be in that situation but everything happens for a reason ig

Not necessarily. Really shitty stuff happens for no reason all the time. Sometimes trying to look for reason in these things is enough to drive one mad.

Shit happens. I don't tend to think about why, it tend to think about "What now"

[Scomagia]

I would expect people in general to recognize that because there are clear biological and psychological barriers to be broken before most people will commit murder. We instinctively feel its wrongness.

IM is, I suspect, a reasonably moral actor. He is clearly obedient to the ideas of law and order, to say nothing of his personal moral convictions (which seem to be steadfastly against aggressive behavior by individuals). I've never gotten the impression he's deranged or anything. But IM isn't the topic, so let's move on.

Being physically wronged is one of many barriers that when broken often lead to killings.

Indeed but it is not the standard response to being physically wronged, particularly after the fact. Anyway, you know it's wrong to do, even if the thought itself is understandable.

[Huntpublic]

It sucked that you had to be in that situation but everything happens for a reason ig

Not necessarily. Really shitty stuff happens for no reason all the time. Sometimes trying to look for reason in these things is enough to drive one mad.

Oh boy, put me in an asylum because maybe it's just me or because I am a Christian but boy oh boy am I going to look for the good in some of the things that happen in this world.

But, sometimes Evil in this world just causes bad things to happen to good people mainly for the purpose of just hurting happens. So I do agree with you on the fact that crappy things happen for no reason.

[Datlofff]

Being physically wronged is one of many barriers that when broken often lead to killings.

Indeed but it is not the standard response to being physically wronged, particularly after the fact. Anyway, you know it's wrong to do, even if the thought itself is understandable.

Jokes on you I already killed him.

Just kidding

[Huntpublic]

Not necessarily. Really shitty stuff happens for no reason all the time. Sometimes trying to look for reason in these things is enough to drive one mad.

Shit happens. I don't tend to think about why, it tend to think about "What now"

That is an actually good mindset to live in. When life beats you up how to get up and keep moving? When you figure that out, you could use whatever trouble that had come your way to your advantage and somehow use that to be successful.

But good on you for having that mindset.

[Scomagia]

It sucked that you had to be in that situation but everything happens for a reason ig

Not necessarily. Really shitty stuff happens for no reason all the time. Sometimes trying to look for reason in these things is enough to drive one mad.

Well, it depends on what you mean by reason. If you mean some overarching purpose behind the events, I'd agree.

Understanding the "reason" terrible things happen (in the sense of the causes and conditions that made them possible) is critical to integrating the experiences in a healthy and resolute way.

[Datlofff]

Shit happens. I don't tend to think about why, it tend to think about "What now"

That is an actually good mindset to live in. When life beats you up how to get up and keep moving? When you figure that out, you could use whatever trouble that had come your way to your advantage and somehow use that to be successful.

But good on you for having that mindset.

Thank you, learned that from dealing with a lot of bullshit from my marching band days. Random shit happens, instruments break, props break, it literally rains on your parade, etc. Just gotta think "what now" and do it so you can improve. Its probably the one thing I kept from my marching band director Mr. Welborne.

[Scomagia]

Indeed but it is not the standard response to being physically wronged, particularly after the fact. Anyway, you know it's wrong to do, even if the thought itself is understandable.

Jokes on you I already killed him.

Just kidding

*nervous chuckle*

[Datlofff]

Jokes on you I already killed him.

Just kidding

*nervous chuckle*

I know its funny right?

[Huntpublic]

That is an actually good mindset to live in. When life beats you up how to get up and keep moving? When you figure that out, you could use whatever trouble that had come your way to your advantage and somehow use that to be successful.

But good on you for having that mindset.

Thank you, learned that from dealing with a lot of bullshit from my marching band days. Random shit happens, instruments break, props break, it literally rains on your parade, etc. Just gotta think "what now" and do it so you can improve. Its probably the one thing I kept from my marching band director Mr. Welborne.

Yeah, today was my first day of Drill Team for my high school NJROTC unit, so I am definitely going to try to learn from my mistakes that I will most likely make. Even though most of the things that I do for the Drill Team will be up to me and my unit. So most of the things will be under our control, not up to life to make its decisions for us. But definitely going to improve from my mistakes. Thankfully, I'm already pretty good at drill, I'm hoping I'm not going to make a lot of mistakes, but that makes you learn and improve.

[Giovenith]

I'm very sorry about what has happened to you. The response from the police and your mother are unacceptable. I was never physically abused, but I was emotionally abused for many years, and I know the frustration that comes from having family members be more concerned about "keeping the family together" than helping you.

If you do wind up being sent home, try to get help from your teachers at school. They're obligated by law to intervene on child abuse and can help represent you.

[His Excellence]

Did anyone in this thread dismiss it as acceptable behavior or tell him to "man-up"? No. So why the rant?

Didn't mean to imply anyone in this thread did, or go as far off the rails as I did, sorry about that.
Being a tremendous pushover irl who has witnessed all too much abuse from both sexes, and the distinct pain he went through, I felt it too much. To endure such a situation, not even realizing how not okay it is, was a particular chord.

Realized my sister's shitbag father getting out of prison recently has me in a mood too. I was young enough when he was around that I don't specifically remember a lot of what he did, but between what little I do remember and have heard, he was incredibly physically and psychologically abusive towards my mother. Fear was the main thing keeping her from leaving. A somewhat recent conversation I had with her about him, we realized that both of my siblings, her, and I have all long exhibited typical PTSD behaviors from the situation. Dots we didn't connect for so long.

Edit: as far as women go, my aunt and grandmother have both been pretty despicable toward their partners and kids as well.
I don't want to get any deeper into it though. Looking back at that earlier post I'm actually pretty worried about where I'm mentally at today.

[The South Falls]

Following recent events in my own life I thought It would be good to spread awareness and to discuss Domestic Abuse, both physical and mental. Just to clarify domestic abuse can be both spouse-spouse,parent to child, or partner to partner. Have any of you heard any stories of domestic abuse in your life, been abused, or generally just want to weigh in on the topic? Feel free to leave any names out of the picture if you wish, or not even share at all if you aren't comfortable with doing so.

My reason for starting this thread:
As of Friday 7, 2018 I am in state custody pending legal proceedings against my mother and her boyfriend. Following a verbal altercation between me and my mother's boyfriend he assaulted me, choking me and throwing me around my home. Before the assault I told him "if you touch me I'm calling the cops." And after he did so I grabbed my shoes and ran out of the house, walking 2 miles to the nearest police station to file a report. I was told by the police officer there that my testimony wasn't legally valid because I was still a minor (by 1 month) and that I would have to somehow get to a hospital and have them confirm my story (even though I informed them I had no car, no phone with me, no identifying information etc. they still told me I had to go, and would not themselves drive me to the hospital). Following this I walked another 2 miles to my best friends house, where they drove me to the hospital so I could press charges. Now its late Monday night as I type this, my mother has denied all my accusations against her boyfriend, and I remain in state custody until a legal ultimatum is made to my mother which will inevitably decide wether or not I will remain a legal ward of the state till my graduation or get to go home.

SO whats your take NSG?

Sorry you've had to go through this ordeal. Your brother is a of shit, and I hope they pay for what they've done to you.

[Forestavia]

Following recent events in my own life I thought It would be good to spread awareness and to discuss Domestic Abuse, both physical and mental. Just to clarify domestic abuse can be both spouse-spouse,parent to child, or partner to partner. Have any of you heard any stories of domestic abuse in your life, been abused, or generally just want to weigh in on the topic? Feel free to leave any names out of the picture if you wish, or not even share at all if you aren't comfortable with doing so.

My reason for starting this thread:
As of Friday 7, 2018 I am in state custody pending legal proceedings against my mother and her boyfriend. Following a verbal altercation between me and my mother's boyfriend he assaulted me, choking me and throwing me around my home. Before the assault I told him "if you touch me I'm calling the cops." And after he did so I grabbed my shoes and ran out of the house, walking 2 miles to the nearest police station to file a report. I was told by the police officer there that my testimony wasn't legally valid because I was still a minor (by 1 month) and that I would have to somehow get to a hospital and have them confirm my story (even though I informed them I had no car, no phone with me, no identifying information etc. they still told me I had to go, and would not themselves drive me to the hospital). Following this I walked another 2 miles to my best friends house, where they drove me to the hospital so I could press charges. Now its late Monday night as I type this, my mother has denied all my accusations against her boyfriend, and I remain in state custody until a legal ultimatum is made to my mother which will inevitably decide wether or not I will remain a legal ward of the state till my graduation or get to go home.

SO whats your take NSG?

I think your mom should have had your back. I'm sorry to hear that she abandoned you when you needed her most. Her neglect probably hurts worse than what her boyfriend did to you.
Do you feel safer now that you're in state custody?

[Nanatsu no Tsuki]

I'm truly sorry this happened to you, OP. I hope you're fine and that things improve for you soon.

[Katganistan]

Mate how did you not think of that as abuse? Was it like proper kicking or?

Well ive not been in that kind of relationship with someone where abuse is happening, so i guess i cant really comment on it like that as i dont know what people are experiencing and how they process it

I'm not sure she realised how painful it was, like it wasn't meant to cause pain but I would always be doubled over afterwards so she should have at least realised I didn't enjoy it, and I did tell her not to do it.

As for how I didn't classify it as abuse I'm not 100% sure. I was fairly young, 17-19, and I don't think I realised at the time that abuse could go either way. I should also mention its not exactly domestic abuse as we weren't living together, but I can't think of what else to call it.

Abuse.
Because I guarantee you she understood that kicking people is bad, and kicking balls is bad, and if you kneed her in the privates she would have doubled over too.

[Katganistan]

There's nothing like someone else's misfortune to remind you of your good fortune.

And thank you. Although if you're going to feel bad for anyone, feel bad for 5-10 year old me. Present me is doing pretty well, GAD and agoraphobia notwithstanding. In fact, a lot of my virtues come as a direct consequence of the worst parts of my childhood. I know and respect boundaries (sexual and otherwise), steadfastly enforce my own boundaries, and have a clear personal injunction against suicide (my father's suicide being the catalyst for much of the more traumatic elements of my childhood). So, silver lining and all of that.

It sucked that you had to be in that situation but everything happens for a reason ig

The reason being his mom's ex was a fucking abusive dirtbag.

Why do people say "it happened for a reason"? Is that supposed to be comforting?