ERRORISM RESURGENCE RESPONSABLE FOR FIXTURE SCANDAL
EMERGENCY COMMITTEE, MINISTRY BOTH BLAME RESURGENT ERRORIST MENACE FOR FIXTURE MISHAP
54 fired as Ministry bungles investigation of Ministry bungling
NEW MONTREAL - What began as an innocent typo is slowly spiralling out of control, with potentially devasting consequences for both the Ministry of Morale and, quite possibly, the rest of civilization.
Official inquiries by both the Ministry of Morale and Parliament's Emergency Committee on Emergencies suggest that the incorrect fixture schedule published by the Ministry of Morale might not have been an innocent typo, but might instead be the first shot in a renewed War on Errorism (see background article below), according to committee chair Laurent Grododo.
"Audioslavia and NMS both participated in the War on Errorism back during World Cup 10," said Grododo to reporters gathered outside the parliament building. "With us hosting, and the Bulls defending champions, any descendants [of the 107 million Alan Belmores who were interned for grammatical errors] with an axe to grind will see World Cup 64 as their best chance for revenge."
"They're targeting numbers as well as letters now," added Grododo. "If we're not careful, our punctuation supplies will be next. Do we want our children to grow up perpetually afraid that someday, they'll reach the end of a sentence, only to find that Errorists have destroyed the period?"
Minister of Morale Ephraim Selendon was quick to announce his concerns about a renewal of the War on Errorism. "This first typo is a test of our resolve," he said. "If we don't stand firm, we risk being buried in a wave of grammatical chaos that would make even the sternest junior high Language Arts teacher lose her faith in the written word as a meaningful way to communicate." The Ministry of Morale's official inquiry into how and why incorrect fixture schedules were published is expected to call for increased vigilance against Errorist threats to all stages of World Cup play.
The full report is expected to be delayed until midweek, as nothing has gone right with the Ministry's investigation. It hit an early snag when someone gave an off-the-record interview with the ASMV press, blaming Dancougar interns for the typo that led to the incorrect fixture listings. The Darmeni press quickly jumped on the story as well, and the Ministry of Morale found itself looking even more foolish than before, assuming such a thing is even possible.
The Ministry was already under pressure from Parliament's Emergency Committee on Emergencies, whose members have been in session non-stop for 72 hours. The pressure doubled after copies of news articles on the leak reached the Emergency Committee. The Committee then summoned Minister of Morale Ephraim Salendon and suggested that he immediately sack all Dancougar employees at the Ministry of Morale in the same of keeping the Ministry and World Cup safe from the threat of errorism. Salendon and the Ministry of Morale's One Committee to Rule Them All unanimously rejected this course of action, calling it "a great way to get sued." The Emergency Committee then subpoenaed all the toilet paper in the Ministry of Morale offices and refused to give it back until the Ministry reconsidered their opposition to the Committee's proposed reforms.
As part of the deal, all 27 Dancougar interns visiting on an exchange program were immediately fired, along with one Dancougar cafeteria sous-chef, one Dancougar mid-level project manager in the IT department, ten employees named Daniel, seven named Danielle, one named Danforth and seven people with the last name of Daniels. All 54 were seen exiting the building and heading directly into Burnham Fordaire Cash, a prominent tort law firm located three block from Ministry offices.
Among the 54 people fired were the person in overall charge of assembling the report on the incorrect fixture sheet, as well as three key staffers who were responsible for most of the research on the consequences of the original War on Errorism. Reports further suggest that one of the staffers, upon hearing that he had been let go on account of his name, lit the contents of his trash can on fire in order to set off his office sprinkler. The subsequent destruction of a computer and several valuable stacks of notes are believed to have delayed the report's publication even further.
Minister Salendon was unequivocal when asked what was the biggest impediment to the War on Errorism: "The Emergency Committee on Emergencies needs to put a sock in it."
Today's History Lesson: World Cup 10 and The War on Errorism
The Global War on Errorism was the single most confusing and violent incident in World Cup 10; an impressive feat in an event that was loaded to the gunwales with future Hall of Famers behaving badly. The chaos began when The Belmore Family (TBF) threatened to sue Timway for damages of $100 every time TBF "loose a match." (sic) Kingsford authorities, citing violations of the Constitution of Proper Language, Second Revised Addition, swiftly lowered the boom:
Reprinted from the Kingsford Times wrote:"Concerning the word 'Loose' and it's respective forms;
In use as an adjective: 'The rope I tied was loose'
In use as an action or instruction: 'Please loosen the screw' ; 'I loosen the cord'
In use as an infinitive: 'I am going to loosen the tiles'
In use with -ing: 'Bill is loosening the knot'
--The word loose is an adjective;
It shall be an adjective;
and to use it not as an adjective is a crime against humanity;
With the proper suffix (en);
loose can be a verb;
BUT ONLY THEN;
and the terminal suffix (ing) shall ONLY be used;
if following the proper suffix (en)--
--If a crime against humanity is committed;
The punishment, as decided on;
by the International Council of Grammatical Elders;
is to be:
-Lightly Flogged (if within boundaries of Oglethorpia);
-Made Into Ketchup (if within boundaries of Evisceratomatoes);
-Go to Snub Nose 38 On Your Free Weekends (if within boundaries of Audioslavia);
-Read the Gilmeecian International Times (if within boundaries of any literate country *this punishment in conjunction with all others that apply*);
-Be Banned from listening to George Michael (if within boundaries of Total n Utter Insanity or Liverpool England);
-Death (if within boundaries of One Blue Dot, Gilmeecia, or any other opressed state);
-Spend 5 days in prison (all other countries)--"
The International Grammar Police Force, based in Kingsford, took swift action against the perpetrators to make the world safe for literacy. Chief of Police Zach Williams, of Lemmitania, announced that the population of TBF would be rounded up for their crimes against humanity on a prison ship charted for the occasion. A coalition was quickly organized, with all major footballing powers in agreement that some kind of action needed to be taken. Oglethorpia's government showed that their were two Wonderteams in their nation, one on the football field and the other working 9 to 4:30 in the capital:
Reprinted from the Oglethorpia Bureaucratic Tribune wrote:With the official 'okay' from President Marvin (as verified by forms 121486A and 121486B*) Oglethorpian Widespread Nationwide Police and Secret Intelligence Service forces have the go-ahead to track down and arrest any Alan Belmores (with proper signing of form 124025A) who would then be turned over to the Kingsforder government (with signing, verification and ratification of form 124025B) after lengthly Parliament hearings and unnecessary polling of the public, data collected, according to President Marvin, "for no apparent reason. Well, besides making pretty bar graphs."
...Conspiracy theorists have already accused President Marvin and the Oglethorpian government as hatching a plot to open up "Alan Belmore hunting season" allowing avid Oglethorpian hunters armed with high powered rifles, shotguns and double-action revolvers to hunt and kill wild Alan Belmores.
Spaam also quickly signed on to the pro-English, anti-Belmore coalition, although they seemed to be much more interested in the latter half of the operation. Fortunately, the New Montreal States government avoided the siren songs of jingoism and anti-Belmorean prejudice...
Chief Paladin Frog's Great Grammatical Ukase wrote:All violators of this vital grammatical law are to have signs indicating that they were members of the ex-national soccer team (E.D. - they had been dismissed after failing to earn a single point during the first half of WC10 qualification) and then be locked in the Paladin Dome during a game at the mercy of fans still P-Oed at the constant failure of the former team and looking to take vengeance on anything that supports said ex-team.
Except when we didn't. But all the evidence at the time suggested that this was an appropriate response to typo proliferation.
This newly minted coalition quickly began running into problems: it was revealed that there were 107 million Alan Belmores to be rounded up, not the 6,400 originally anticipated by planners. TBF dropped their lawsuit against Timway, depriving the group of their original casus belli, but Kingsford announced that the errorism consisted of the misuse of the word "loose" during the lawsuit, and not the lawsuit itself. Chief of Police Zach Williams abruptly revealed that he was from Audioslavia, not Lemmitania, and was subsequent booked for errorism by the International Spelling Police, based out of Remington County in Snub Nose 38, for having transposed "it" and "is."
The coalition then descended into a comic-opera blizzard of arrest warrants, as Audioslavia's military brass and the Sheriff of Remington County began trying to arrest each other over real and perceived errorist acts, mostly minor spelling errors.
While the leaders of the coalition bickered amongst themselves, their soldiers continued to round up Alan Belmores and load them onto Kingsford's prison ships. All 107 million Alan Belmores were dumped on the shores of Gilmeecia, where they were devoured by hellmouths as punishment for their crimes against grammar. And with that, the errorist threat was put to rest for well over two centuries.
