P.R.A.T. (Paradystopi Records & Archiving Team)

by **Paradystopia** » Thu May 08, 2025 1:02 pm

OOC: This is a closed thread for the user behind Paradystopia to post domestic sports leagues, and other locally relevant sporting information.
Please do not post here unless
1.) You are Paradystopia,
2.) You are one of Paradystopia's puppets*,
or 3.) You are a mod doing appropriate mod stuff.

*(Currently there exists Qyzzyxzyan Draconic Territories, A non-descript puppet nation, Erroropolisish Paradystopia, and only six words)

The door creaks eerily as you cautiously step into a ramshackle hut. Are you sure this is the place? Like, really sure? It's not unknown for you to copy an address down incorrectly but you’re adamant that you checked, and double-checked. Hell, you probably even triple-checked.
This is Paradystopia after all. I mean, the people seem nice enough but you never really know here. It’s just a bit odd …

Your anxiety drops when you see the sign, in suspiciously clean and neat lettering boldly emblazoned upon the back wall

Beneath the proud logo sits an imposing desk, crafted with care of the finest driftwood that somebody could be bothered to lug back from the beach in such a way that it almost doesn't look hideously wonky. Behind the desk, there is a penguin. A short, stubby penguin with piercing, crimson eyes and a scruffy shock of yellow plumage that meanders from proud feathers standing atop its head to the muted flecks of colour by nostril-end of a squat, vicious looking beak. Noiselessly, it regards you with a look that seems to penetrate the very essence of your soul.

What do you do?
Choose an option below

by **Paradystopia** » Thu May 08, 2025 1:04 pm

Walking into the small room, you’re initially struck by the musty aroma of archaic paper; like a long forgotten corridor of a secret library, yet there’s no hint of a book here. Wooden panelling bedecks the walls that now surround you and continues onto the low ceiling and slightly creaky floor. An occasional draught creeps from between gaps between the panels, poking you with unwelcome chills from all angles.
Against the right-hand wall is a small table, and by that, a single chair. Both crafted from similar driftwood to the desk of the penguin outside, and both seeming to display a similar lack of stability. On the wall behind the table is a framed picture.
Do you look at the picture?

You take a seat at the table as the penguin waddles in with a great wodge of paper, drops it unceremoniously upon the table, turns and walks out without a word.

On the top page, you are grateful to see ...

The Chess Battle Royale in Walbourg, Vielfaltig
with Malik Robertson (out in 2^nd round). Miri Robertson (out in 1^st round), and Chirpsijibbers Clambanger (out in 1^st round)
World Chess Knockouts in Vaynorth, Eshialand
with Chirpsijibbers Clambanger (Winner), Malik Robertson (out in Quarter-finals), Miri Robertson (out in Quarter-finals), and Jim (out in 1^st round)
World Chess Championship Qualifiers in Zube, Kytler Peninsulae
with Chirpsijibbers Clambanger, and Miri Robertson

GCF World Test Challenge 15 - Paradystopia 8th out of 24
GCF Twenty20 World Cup 18 - Paradystopia out in group stage

RESULTS AND STATISTICS

RUWC 38 - Paradystopia out in Round of 16

Basketball - Season 1

This is currently blank.

This is currently blank.

RESULTS AND STATISTICS

Paradystopia
PRU Superleague - Season 1
PRU Superleague - Season 2 - Part 1, Part 2, Part 3
PRU Superleague - Season 3 - Part 1, Part 2
Qyzzyxzyan Draconic Territories
Season 1, Season 2, Season 3
Field Hockey, Season 1

Pre-apocalypse Football thread
Pre-apocalypse Sports thread
Apocalypse? What's all that about?

by **Paradystopia** » Thu May 15, 2025 2:00 am

RESULTS
(Start of Rhoderick Erdnussbougher tenure)

Paradystopia 0–1 Edsmontik
Paradystopia 0–1 The Golden Harp
Paradystopia 1-2 Tikariot
Yuugria 0–1 Paradystopia
Paradystopia 1–2 Abanhfleft
Edsmontik 1–0 Paradystopia
Paradystopia 1–1 Britonisea
Chromatika 1–0 Paradystopia
Paradystopia 1–0 Vixette
Moladea 0–3 Paradystopia
Paradystopia 2–1 Auprussia
Girinatha Empire 0–0 Paradystopia
Paradystopia 2–0 Yuugria
Abanhfleft 3–0 Paradystopia
Paradystopia 0–2 Edsmontik
Britonisea 1–0 Paradystopia
Paradystopia 0–0 Chromatika
(End of Rhoderick Erdnussbougher tenure)
Record under Rhoderick Erdnussbougher
.                      Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD    Win % 
 Paradystopia           17    5   3   9    12   16   −4    0.382
(Start of Error Message tenure)

Vixette 1–0 Paradystopia
Paradystopia 3–0 Moladea
Auprussia 0–0 Paradystopia
Paradystopia 2–0 Girinatha Empire
(End of Error Message tenure)
Record under Error Message
.                      Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD    Win % 
 Paradystopia            4    2   1   1     5    1   +4    0.625
(Start of Pepe Papa tenure)

Bongo Johnson 1–5 Paradystopia
Paradystopia 1–0 Alanis Star
Ko-orenite Constellation 2–2 Paradystopia
Paradystopia 5–1 Xanneria
TJUN-ia 2–3 Paradystopia
Paradystopia 3-1 Vielfaltig
Paradystopia 4-0 South Newlandia
Paradystopia 1-0 Tumbra
Paradystopia 3–3 Kanzlia (3–3 AET) (1–4 pen.)
(Start of Error Message ~~tenure~~ coup)

Aphrilia 3–0 Paradystopia
Paradystopia 4–0 Ralsalin
Safiloa 0–3 Paradystopia
Paradystopia 3–0 Hafamarimët
Jaoaa 0–1 Paradystopia
Paradystopia 0–0 Cardenao
Geektopia 0–0 Paradystopia
Paradystopia 3–0 Oriental of Rio de La Plata
Paradystopia 1–0 Aphrilia
Ralsalin 0–2 Paradystopia
Paradystopia 4–1 Safiloa
Hafamarimët 0–3 Paradystopia
Paradystopia 1–0 Jaoaa
Cardenao 0–0 Paradystopia
Paradystopia 2–1 Geektopia
Oriental of Rio de La Plata 0–4 Paradystopia
Paradystopia 1–0 Sernet
Group Stage
Paradystopia 2–0 Zwangzug
Paradystopia 1–2 Siovanija and Teusland
Squornshelan Remnant States 0–0 Paradystopia

Round of 32
Aphrilia 3–1 Paradystopia
(End of Error Message ~~tenure~~ coup)
Record under Error Message
.                              Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD    Win % 
  Paradystopia                  25   16   5   4    41   11  +30    0.740
(~~Start~~ Resumption of Pepe Papa tenure)

Zalinivia 1–2 Paradystopia
Paradystopia 5-2 Alanis Star
Malalaime 0-4 Paradystopia
Paradystopia 5–1 Sangti and the Filindo Isles
Tumbra 1-0 Paradystopia
Group Stage
Paradystopia 2-1 Baker Park
Paradystopia 1-0 Snestar
Paradystopia 3-2 The Holy Empire

Round of 32
Paradystopia 4-0 Kwrpania

Round of 16
Paradystopia 1-0 Valanora

Quarter-final
Paradystopia 3–1 Eshialand

Semi-final
Audioslavia 3–1 Paradystopia

3PPO
Paradystopia 2-0 The Holy Empire
Group Stage
Paradystopia 3–3 Ko-orenite Constellation
New Rotterdam City 0–4 Paradystopia
Kamijiro 3–2 Paradystopia
Paradystopia 7–0 Macbon
Boring Paradise 0–6 Paradystopia

Round of 16
Paradystopia 0-1 Alanis Star
PARADYSTOPIA vs THE MULTIVERSE
.                                Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
.1 Paradystopia                   70   42  11  17   135   56  +79   137 
 2 Edsmontik                       3    3   0   0     4    0   +4     9
 3 Aphrilia                        3    2   0   1     6    2   +4     6
 4 Abanhfleft                      2    2   0   0     5    1   +4     6
 5 Britonisea                      2    1   1   0     2    1   +1     4
 6 Chromatika                      2    1   1   0     1    0   +1     4
 7 Audioslavia                     1    1   0   0     3    1   +2     3
 8 Kamijiro                        1    1   0   0     3    2   +1     3
 9 Siovanija and Teusland          1    1   0   0     2    1   +1     3
 = Tikariot                        1    1   0   0     2    1   +1     3
11 The Golden Harp                 1    1   0   0     1    0   +1     3
12 Tumbra                          2    1   0   1     1    1    0     3
 = Vixette                         2    1   0   1     1    1    0     3
14 Alanis Star                     3    1   0   2     3    6   −3     3
15 Ko-orenite Constellation        2    0   2   0     5    5    0     2
16 Cardenao                        2    0   2   0     0    0    0     2
17 Kanzlia                         1    0   1   0     3    3    0     1*
18 Squornshelan Remnant States     1    0   1   0     0    0    0     1
19 Auprussia                       2    0   1   1     1    2   −1     1
 = Geektopia                       2    0   1   1     1    2   −1     1
21 Girinatha Empire                2    0   1   1     0    2   −2     1
22 TJUN-ia                         1    0   0   1     2    3   −1     0
23 Baker Park                      1    0   0   1     1    2   −1     0
 = Zalinivia                       1    0   0   1     1    2   −1     0
25 Sernet                          1    0   0   1     0    1   −1     0
 = Snestar                         1    0   0   1     0    1   −1     0
 = Valanora                        1    0   0   1     0    1   −1     0
28 Eshialand                       1    0   0   1     1    3   −2     0
 = Vielfaltig                      1    0   0   1     1    3   −2     0
30 Jaoaa                           2    0   0   2     0    2   −2     0
 = Zwangzug                        1    0   0   1     0    2   −2     0
32 The Holy Empire                 2    0   0   2     2    5   −3     0
33 Yuugria                         2    0   0   2     0    3   −3     0
34 Bongo Johnson                   1    0   0   1     1    5   −4     0
 = Sangti and the Filindo Isles    1    0   0   1     1    5   −4     0
 = Xanneria                        1    0   0   1     1    5   −4     0
37 Kwrpania                        1    0   0   1     0    4   −4     0
 = Malalaime                       1    0   0   1     0    4   −4     0
 = New Rotterdam City              1    0   0   1     0    4   −4     0
 = South Newlandia                 1    0   0   1     0    4   −4     0
41 Safiloa                         2    0   0   2     1    7   −6     0
42 Boring Paradise                 1    0   0   1     0    6   −6     0
 = Hafamarimët                     2    0   0   2     0    6   −6     0
 = Moladea                         2    0   0   2     0    6   −6     0
 = Ralsalin                        2    0   0   2     0    6   −6     0
46 Macbon                          1    0   0   1     0    7   −7     0
 = Oriental of Rio de La Plata     2    0   0   2     0    7   −7     0
* Includes Penalty shoot-out loss, but listed as a draw for simplicity's sake.

STATISTICS

INTERNATIONAL GOAL SCORERS

.                       Gls
Olii                     23
Rsheu                    21
Sebastien Borgen         14
Error Message            12
Amelya Anastasyasdottyr   7
Iona Schlippe             7
Leonard Lugga             5
Njawrao                   5
Sosjian                   5
Jim                       4
Rhiagr                    3
Anja Bortland             2
Cannon X-4000             2
Hleqrru                   2
Pedro                     2
Janika van der Stedd      2
Filthy                    1
Grumpy Gustavus           1
Jimmy Jangletrousers      1
Akash Kharpathwa          1
Darko Petković            1
Soks                      1
Sack of Turnips           1
Flappy Tippytapper        1
Stan Zidarić              1

LARGEST VICTORY
AT HOME
4-0 vs Ralsalin (WCQ100), & 4-0 vs Kwrpania (WC101)
AWAY
4-0 vs Oriental of Rio de La Plata (WCQ100)
NEUTRAL STADIUM
7–0 vs Macbon (CE43)

LARGEST DEFEAT
AT HOME
0–2 vs Edsmontik (WCQ99)
AWAY
0–3 vs Abanhfleft (WCQ99) & 0–3 vs Aphrilia (WCQ100)
NEUTRAL STADIUM
1-3 vs Aphrilia (WC100)

by **Paradystopia** » Thu May 15, 2025 3:55 am

RESULTS

(Football League of Paradystopia)
Season 0
=====
Season 1 Preview, Season 1 (1), Season 1 (2), Season 1 (3), Season 1 (4), Season 1 (5), Season 1 (6), Season 1 (7), Season 1 (8), & Season 1 (9)
=====
Season 2 Preview, Season 2 (1), Season 2 (2), Season 2 (3), Season 2 (4), Season 2 (5.1), Season 2 (5.2), Season 2 (5.3), Season 2 (5.4), Season 2 (6), Season 2 (7), Season 2 (8), & Season 2 (9)
=====
Season 3 Preview 1, Season 3 Preview 2

(The Super Most Awesome Football League of the Qyzzyxzyan Draconic Territories and Other North Paradystopi Archipelagic States)
Season 1 Preview, Season 1 (1), Season 1 (2), Season 1 (3), & Season 1 (epilogue)
=====
Season 2 (1), Season 2 (2), Season 2 (3), Season 2 (4), Season 2 (5), & Season 2 (6)
=====
Season 3 (1?), Season 3 (2?), Season 3 (3?), Season 3 (4?), Season 3 (5?), Season 3 (6?), Season 3 (7?), & Season 3 (8?)

STATISTICS

FLoP GOAL SCORERS (FLoP9 and FLoP Rondeau, Season 1. Only those with more than 5 goals included.)

Player                                     Team                        Gls.
Rsheu                                    Xat'i Paradystopi            19
Delta Zigismundis                        AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens  14
Rhiagr                                   Xat'i Paradystopi            12
Lia Suarez                               New Newetoun Saltquarry SC   11
Amelya Anastasyasdottyr                  Erroropolis SC               10
Flappy Tippytapper                       AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja  10
Akash Kharpathwa                         Farslum Hoo SC                9
Njawrao                                  AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens   9
Honksalot Slaptail                       Erroropolis SC                9
Sebastien Borgen                         SC Oldetoun New Newetoun      8
Clancey Crabbe                           AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja   8
Soks                                     New Newetoun Saltquarry SC    8
Myriam Gryszmeldasdottyr-Scwoggnorrys    AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens   7
Error Message                            Erroropolis SC                7
Wakkis                                   Xat'i Paradystopi             7
Anja Bortland                            SC Oldetoun New Newetoun      6
Olii                                     Xat'i Paradystopi             6
Iona Schlippe                            New Newetoun Saltquarry SC    6

FLoP CLEAN SHEETS (FLoP9 and FLoP Rondeau, Season 1.)

Player                     Team                         CS.
Harold King              SC Oldetoun New Newetoun     15
Klara Av Steinbruddet    New Newetoun Saltquarry SC   12
Rhuxe                    AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja  12
Trevor Barnabysson       AC Pantsdon Shandy            8
Sjiu                     Xat'i Paradystopi             8
Szymon Jonsson           AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens   7
Zlatana Nykwyst          Farslum Hoo SC                5
Filthy                   Erroropolis SC                3
Roger                    Random Penguins XI            2

FLoP GOAL SCORERS (Season 2 - Only those with more than 6 domestic goals included.)

Player                   Team                           FLoP  All Comps
Rsheu                     Xat'i Paradystopi            19         26
Njawrao                   Xat'i Paradystopi            14         20
Rhiagr                    Xat'i Paradystopi            13         19
Brianne Chaplin           New Newetoun Saltquarry SC   10         17
Lia Suarez                New Newetoun Saltquarry SC    9         16
T'ut'sii                  Xat'i Paradystopi             9         12
Sjoerda te'Kotr           AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja   9         10
Olii                      Random Penguins XI            9          9
Delta Zigismundis         AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens   9          9
Amelya Anastasyasdottyr   AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja   8          9
Yippy Longwhiskers        Erroropolis SC                8          8
Hleqrru                   Xat'i Paradystopi             7          9
Grakiju                   Farslum Hoo SC                7          7
Flappy Tippytapper        AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja   7          7

FLoP CLEAN SHEETS (Season 2)

Player                  Team                           FLoP  All Comps
Rhuxe                    AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja  13         14
Sjiu                     Xat'i Paradystopi            10         12
Harold King              SC Oldetoun New Newetoun      9         11
Justyna Moon             AC Pantsdon Shandy            8          8
Zlatana Nykwyst          Farslum Hoo SC                8          8
Klara Av Steinbruddet    New Newetoun Saltquarry SC    7         10
Qrouj                    Random Penguins XI            7          7
Trevor Barnabysson       AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens   6          6
Filthy                   Erroropolis SC                6          6

by **Paradystopia** » Sun May 18, 2025 1:09 am

Season 1?

leagueof paradystopi
some other team 0–14 team Paradystopia

leagueof paradystopi Pld W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 team Paradystopia 1 1 0 0 14 0 +14 3
2 some other team 1 0 0 1 0 14 −14 0
team Paradystopia qualify for ICFF champion cup and Esportiva ~~champeonus~~ ~~campeonatus~~ ~~campenis di esportiva~~ champion cup

"Hello? ... Yes, this is the office of the FAP ... I'm sorry, what? ... No, the Football Association of Paradystopia ... Why? What did you think it meant? ... Uh-huh ... Oh ... Yes, I see. Yes, I think we will be changing that in the future in that case. I'm sorry, who is this calling? ... Uh-huh ... Right, ok ... Well, good day to you Mister IFCF representative, how can I help? ... Our domestic league? What of it? ... Ok, I see ... Fraudulent, you say? Well, I don't know about that ... Uh-huh ... Not really a league? Well, I think it unfair based on our infrastructure to expect ... Uh-huh ... I mean, I think ... no, no, I see why you'd think that ... I think 'It's obviously something that someone just generated on a computer is a bit harsh' ... Ok, well, erm, Team Paradystopia is, erm, heavily backed by the national team, and yes, a lot of our international team play for them ... How many? Ermm, well, all of them? ... and 'Some other team', was that? Well, they are, erm. You see, they, erm ... No, of course I'm not making this up on the spot. ... Rejecting our entry? Really? Now, come on. Is there an appeal process? ...Uh-huh ... Ok, and if we seek legal representation? ... Sir, can you not laugh at me please ... Ok ... Uh-huh ... The rejection is final, I see ... Uh-huh ... Ok, well, thank you for your time ... Good day to you too, Sir."

*click*

"Arsehole ... Anyway, guys, it didn't work. They didn't accept it. Apparently only two teams and one fixture 'is hardly a league', it was 'obviously a complete fabrication', and our entry form was incorrectly submitted. I think we might actually have to set up a proper league. I mean, we could just try this again, I think we nearly had them. Oh, and we need to change our acronym from FAP, it makes us sound like a bunch of wankers apparently ..."

Season 1.1?

Paradystopia League Pld W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 Paradystopia XI 4 4 0 0 23 2 +21 12
2 Genuine Paradystopi City 4 2 0 2 5 17 −12 6
3 Error's Village 4 0 0 4 3 12 −9 0

Paradystopia Cup
Semi-final
Genuine Paradystopi City 1–0 Error's Village

Final
Paradystopia XI 10-0 Genuine Paradystopi City

Paradystopia Qualifiers (PDT)
Champions' Cup: Paradystopia XI
CEdC: Paradystopia XI
Cup Winner Cup: Paradystopi XI

"Hello, This is the PUFF office, how may I help you? ... No, honestly. This is the Paradystopi United Football Federation, previously the Football Association of Paradystopia ... Uh-huh ... Homophobic? I don't see ... Ok ... Yes, Ok ... Uh-huh ... No, we'll change it ... And who is this calling? ... Ahh, yes, I remember you. I trust this is a courtesy call regarding our acceptance into the IFCF tournaments? ... Uh-huh ... No? What do you mean 'No'? ... Right, Ok ... 'Blatantly a heaping pile of bullshit'? ... Uh-huh ... 'Bringing football in Esportiva into disrepute'? Surely not ... Ok ... No, and I resent the implication that we are 'wasting your time on this egregious buffonery' ... What do you mean 'fake'? ... No, no. Erm, 'Genuine Paradystopi City' is a nickname. Erm, their collective identity if you will. That of, erm, being genuine? ... Ok ... No, no, of course not. Paradystopia XI isn't just an excuse to get our national team into domestic competitions. That is slander, Sir. ... Oh ... Your lawyers? ... Your lawyers, and those of the IFCF? ... Well, no, we wouldn't want that. ... Uh-huh ... No, no, we wouldn't want that at all ... No, sir. ... Yes, I'm sorry sir. ... Yes, sir. Of course, sir. We will 'stop pissing around' and either organise a proper league or, sorry? What was that? ... Duck off? ... Oh ... No, I understand. ... Yes, sir. Clear as crystal, sir. ... Thank you, sir. Good day to you, sir."

*click*

"What an utter dick ... They ain't buying it guys. We're gonna need an actual league. ... Yes, I know it's practically the fucking World Cup. What do you want me to do? Dilate time like some bloody wizard? ... Look, how about a quick round robin? The Xat'i and some penguins on one side, Humans and some other penguins on the other. Think of it as match training, work on your fitness and all that. As for a third team, paint some faces on a load of rocks and put them in a team with Error. Like he'll care. Hell, let him name a village after himself. That's your three teams. They'll play each other twice over the course of training, we'll just pretend it's home and away. Then for a cup tournament, how about bottom two teams at the end of the 'league' have a playoff, and the winner plays the league winner again for the title? ... Yes, I know we don't have an actual trophy, look, here, use this fucking saucepan. We'll show them IFCF twats we can do a 'proper' league."

Season 1.11?

MD1
          Xat'i Paradystopi 5–1 Erroropolis SC
MD2
   SC Oldetoun New Newetown 0–0 Xat'i Paradystopi
MD3
             Erroropolis SC 0–1 SC Oldetoun New Newetown
MD4
             Erroropolis SC 0–5 Xat'i Paradystopi
MD5
          Xat'i Paradystopi 1–0 SC Oldetoun New Newetown
MD6 
   SC Oldetoun New Newetown 3–0 Erroropolis SC

. Paradystopia League of Football   Pld   W  D  L   GF  GA  GD  Pts 
1 Xat'i Paradystopi                   4   3  1  0   11   1 +10   10     IFCF Champions League Qualifier   CEdC Qualifier
2 SC Oldetoun New Newetown            4   2  1  1    4   1  +3    7     CEdC Qualifier
3 Erroropolis SC                      4   0  0  4    1  14 −13    0

The Paradystopi Rondeau

Round 1 - (MD7)
   SC Oldetoun New Newetown 7–0 Erroropolis SC

Cup Final - (MD8)
   SC Oldetoun New Newetown 1–1 Xat'i Paradystopi (2–1 AET)

"Nice. Let's see those self-righteous gits at the IFCF reject that! ..."

by **Qyzzyxzyan Draconic Territories** » Mon Jun 30, 2025 3:14 am

Hiya!

So, I'm Qyzzyxzy and ...

Hang on, let me do that again.

Hiya!

I'm .Qyzzyxzy. and I'm like the most powerful dragon ever. I mean, you know, you should really be like worshiping me and stuff but it's cool because, you know, like, I'm cool. Even though I'm like crazy super powerful, can destroy planets with a single look and stuff and could enslave like the entire multiverse to my whim, you know? I like, don't, because that would be a dick move and I'm awesome. Anyway, like, that's enough talking about why I'm like, the superest amazingest dragon to ever have existed and kinda like a ultimate best ever benevolent God to my people.

I mean, the good ones, you know.

Sometimes, I do have to carry out one or two tiny little mass executions, and sacrifices, and stuff. You know, like to keep the order. I mean, just because I'm super cool and that doesn't mean I'm all like 'Oh yeah, that's cool, you don't need to pray to me thrice a day.' or, 'I know I said to paint my hoard room burnt sienna, and this is obviously, like pumpkin or something, I suppose we all make mistakes and I can let you and your family live this time.'

No.

They've got to like, know who's boss and all that.

And I mean, who mixes up burnt sienna and pumpkin? Like, come on.

Oh yeah, anyway, we have this little like football league thing in my honour and stuff and apparently there's like international competitions, you know so I thought we should like, do that.

So yeah.

TA-DA!

I know what you're thinking. You're like 'Oh my eyes are being destroyed by the awesomeness of your artistic talents.'

Oh, you just want to know what the other north Paradystopi archepelagic states are? Those guys? Pfft.

So those guys are like these weirdos on this island to the south. Hang on, I'll draw a map

Despite you know, being totally awesome and knowing all the things about like all the things, I don't actually know much about them. They have this like boat on an island and we don't see them very much, and they like censoring like eeeeeeeeverything. It's like they're hiding from something or something, or you know, systematically remove any sort of paper trail about them. Anyway, it was like 'Hey you guys, do you want to play football in our league.' and they were like 'No, go away', so I was like 'But if you don't participate I might have to like obliterate your island and stuff', so they like had some sort of deliberation kind of thing and then said they'd play. Yay!

I hope my teams beat them. Oh yeah, and speaking of that.

So aside from the strange islanders, we have like four teams from the Qyzzyxzyan Draconic Territories in the league.

Firstly, there's like my teams. These are comprised of the guys that are my assistants and stuff, you know, the peons. So we've got Peons Unus and Peons Duus (Being so amazing, I need a whole massive team of servants), or to give them their full titles 'Glory of Qyzzyxzy, the Supreme Dragonlord's Footballing team, Peons Unus', or the same, but you know, switch 'Unus' for 'Duus'. We just shorten it to GQSDFC Peons Unus and GQSDFC Peons Duus though so it doesn't take like, loooooooads of parchment to write out the league and stuff. If I'm honest, my teams aren't very good or something. One of them did say to me that it was their belief that 'such punitive servitude is not conducive to peak athleticism' and I was like, 'Oh no, I'm so sorry, maybe I'll give you all some time off to play football?' then I like vaporised her head with my plasma-breath. Lol. It was so funny.

Then, we've got the villagers. They call their team MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF which is like 'Most Exulted Supreme Dragonlord's Plebs Fidelis, Qyzzyxzyan Club of Football.' These guys are cool. They're all like peons and stuff who earned their freedom for good behaviour and now they have this village where they run all these churches to me, or create cool dragon souvenirs for the gift shops because we do get some tourism or something from Paradystopia with all these people who want to see a dragon. I mean, I've seen me, so I'm not surprised you know. So yeah, they have this little religious village or something and like, they're pretty good at football. Maybe they're just trying like super-extra hard to impress me or something.

The last team, is the fluffy knife hand people. I mean, you know them as cats, or Xat'i but yeah, I'll stick to the name given to them by my people (As in like, other dragons and stuff, not that I've seen another in a few centuries like, but we're not exactly social creatures you know.)

So yeah, the 'Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi' ... It's like really annoying, because they're clearly the best team, but they're sooooooo annoying.

They don't follow any of my rules. They even ignore me. I mean, I totally should smite them. A little like, volcanic blast to their fluffy, little chests but ... I don't know. They unnerve me a bit. You know, it's like, when you're a super awesome incredibly powerful being, everyone just does what you say. They like, just do it and stuff. It's awesome.

The fluffy knife hand people, they don't ...

So like, obviously, they must either have no fear of death, or be like, super-mega-awesome powerful.

Either way, I'm like, I'll just leave it. 'You're not worth it' and all that. 'Be the bigger threat to existence' or something.

But yeah, that's like the five teams in the Super Most Awesomest Football League of the Qyzzyxzyan Draconic Territories and Other North Paradystopi Archipelagic States (or the SMAFLQDTONPS for short.)

Oh yeah, we do do the league like a bit differently than other places, I should probably mention that or something. The thing is, is that when I like first started trying to do a football league, we kept getting loads of draws. I mean, it was probably because I was like having losing teams sacrificed, so everyone was playing to like, not lose and they'd sort of barricade their goals and not risk trying to attack or something and it was like super boring. So now, teams get a point if they win and that's it. Then, if they have like the same number of wins, we sort them by goal difference, and then if like, they're still equal I have to get someone to like work out the win percentage. Oh, and I let them count draws in the percentage because otherwise, it'd like be the same as number of wins.

I mean, the peons still play the same way and that, but at least now they like try to get a goal first before barricading their nets.

But yeah, so that's like the SMAFLQDTONPS.

I was like hoping to run the whole tournament over a weekend because like, I don't want my subjects' schedules all messed up and stuff but seeing as I was thinking like, 'There's five teams, they should like play each other five times because symmetry or something'. You know what happened though?

The fluffy knife hand people refused.

I was like 'fucking seriously ... '

Apparently playing twenty matches over a weekend is too much. So now we do like four matches a week. I mean, I like, you know, framed it that 'Oh yeah, as I am such a generous being, I shall grant thee like, less matches in a short space of time or something' but like in my head I was like 'Whatever. Stupid weak fluffy knife hands wanting rest and recuperation'. I think they're just lazy you know because they're like always sleeping but that's also like a bit scary. I mean, if I was pathetic and mortal and stuff and I lived on a island ruled by a God, I wouldn't be like just sleeping all the time, or criticising their football league structure and stuff. I don't trust them you know.

Anyway, so that's our football league and you know, as I'm like sooooo generous, you are allowed to like borrow the format or something because it's obviously like so much better than the normal three points for a win and one point for a draw and stuff.

I'll have one of the peons file the like results and league credentials and stuff in due course.

All Praises and Glory unto me etcetera and all that.

by **Paradystopia** » Thu Jul 03, 2025 10:12 am

proudly introduces for the new season

The FLoP9
and

The FLoP Rondeau

Welcome one and all to this, the inaugural football league season in Paradysto...

What's that? Second season? Well, technically, yes, I know but that what ... Yes, I know there was also a football league before all that too but I thought we were just glazing over this whole apocalypse thing? Well, yeah, no-one wants to be reminded of how we picked a fight with the Dreamed Realm and everything got turned into cheese. Yeah, yup, carrying on like nothing happened. I know. You'd think an event like that, and how we're somehow still here now, for whatever reason would require some justification. Sorry? Oh yeah, I know, right? Oh, totally! If you ask me, it's just a lazy reliance on absurdity over actually forming a coherent narrative. Oh, I knooow, dear. And all the daft acronyms, so ridiculo...

Shit, you distracted me ...

*ahem

Welcome one and all to this, the first season of the FLoP9.

Picking up from the impromptu competition of last season, the FLoP9 sees the addition of six further teams to make, unsurprisingly, nine teams hoping to battle it out for domestic glory, and the chance to represent Paradystopia on the Multiversal Stage. We also see the Rondeau competition re-vamped to incorporate the new teams and it's already looking to be a great season we've got ahead of us

So, how does the FLoP9 work?

The FLoP9 has two stages. During the first stage, each team will play each other home and away to give an initial standings. With these games completed, the league then breaks into three sets of three; A Top3, a Middle3, and a Bottom3. These teams will then play each other a further three times, at a neutral ground, then home and away. The neutral ground will typically be that of the team of the relevant set of three not involved in the match, but this needn't be strictly adhered to provided the ground belongs to neither of the participant teams. The results from these games will be added to the overall table from the first stage and that will be the final standings, albeit that no team can finish outside of the set of three they finished the first stage in. As such, the Top3 will battle out the championship, the Middle3 will fight for the final Challengers Cup place, and then Bottom3 will ... err ...

The points system is also different from the traditional system. In the FLoP9, a win scores five points, and a draw scores two. Tiebreakers work in a more usual manner with goal difference, then goals for, then a comparison of head-to-head results and finally a best of 5 rock-paper-scissors contest between the relevant team managers.

The FLoP Rondeau works remarkably similarly to it's previous incarnation. However, this time the very bottom two teams from the previous season (For this season, this will be SC Oldetoun New Newetoun, and Erroropolis SC) will be entered into a two legged elimination match with the winner joining the remaining seven teams for the quarter final draw. The quarter- and semi-finals are held over two legs, with the final being a single match on the very final day of the season.

And without further ado, let's have a run-down of the competing teams, players to look out for, and what their chances in the competitions likely are.

The Three Originals

1. GK Sjiu – (3-Fc-Xat'i)
2. CD Dumpy Crookedclaw – (6-Mc-Pteron)
3. DF Rhorke – (5-Mc-Xat'i)
4. DF Kjao – (11-Mc-Xat'i)
5. LIB Jim – (unk-Mc-Penguin)
6. MF Olii – (4-Mc-Xat'i)
7. MF Hleqrru – (6-Mc-Xat'i)
8. MF T'ut'sii – (4-Fc-Xat'i)
9. FW Wakkis – (6-Mc-Xat'i)
10. FW Rhiagr – (7-Fc-Xat'i)
11. FW Rsheu – (3-Mc-Xat'i)
12. GK Errokhju – (13-Mc-Xat'i)
13. DF Njaonge – (6-Fc-Xat'i)
14. DF Onjesju – (8-Mc-Xat'i)
15. MF Jankhukh – (5-Mc-Xat'i)
16. MF Hlosgho – (3-Mc-Xat'i)
17. FW Qut'ii – (13-Fc-Xat'i)
18. FW Rhisje – (4-Fc-Xat'i)
Manager: n/a

Xat'i Paradystopi a.k.a The Xat'i, The cats.
Previous season: 1^st

Based on the outskirts of the capital, the reigning champions will be looking to replicate their fortunes last season. In addition to local Xat'i talent, the squad have brought in Jim and Dumpy Crookedclaw in the hope that some more defensively minded players will give Sjiu a little more protection whilst the rest of the team can concentrate on their usual strategy of simply scoring more than their opponents with chaotic, fast-paced and aggressive football.

Home ground:
Heer, New Newetoun - 0 seats, literally just a football field.

Notable players:
With the devestatingly capable Sjiu between the sticks, the other teams will have their work cut out getting on the scoresheet. Add to that the national team combination of Hleqrru and Jim, who are likely to prove to be a vital outfield core for the Xat'i, and you've got a more than solid base for the squad. Forward Rsheu is also one to keep an eye on for the future.

Rivalries:
Everyone, and no-one.

Prediction:
The Xat'i have a great deal of talent at hand and will be a tough opponent for anyone in the league. That said, their lack of singular leadership could be their undoing and they could struggle to gain consistent points against other strong, but more organised clubs in the league.
Top3 - 2^nd

1. GK Harold King – (24-Mc-Human) of South Newlandia
2. LB Markus Urošić – (29-Mc-Human)
3. CB Patrick Smith-Cocker – (32-Mc-Human)
4. CB Anya Kanaka – (22-Fc-Human) of Chromatika
5. RB Alceste Toutain – (22-Fc-Human) of Chromatika
6. LM Bernie Minglor – (16-Mc-Human) of Delte
7. CM Clifford Stone – (28-Mc-Human)
8. MF Sosjian – (9-Mc-Xat'i)
9. RM/RW Anja Bortland – (27-Fc-Human)
10. CF Sara Harbormeisterson – (23-Fe-Human)
11. STR Sebastien Borgen – (27-Mc-Human)
12. GK Sonya Shipp – (32-Fc-Human)
13. LB/CB Arnold av Newetoun – (27-Mc-Human)
14. RB/CB Norman Farris – (23-Mc-Human)
15. CM Federica Marysdottyr – (19-Fc-Human)
16. CM/CAM William Stonks – (21-Mc-Human)
17. LM/RM Erik Klaerre – (29-Mc-Human)
18. FW Sky Grey – (17-NB-Human)

Manager: Rhoderick Erdnussbougher - (57-Mc-Human)

Sporting Club of Oldetoun New Newetoun a.k.a. Oldetoun, Toun.
Previous season: 2^nd

Situated in the increasingly gentrified borough of Oldetoun in the capital, Oldetoun are arguably the most established of the Paradystopi clubs. They'll be looking first and foremost to remain defensively solid, then obtain goals from slow build-up play and maintaining possession. They've secured a little foreign talent on free transfers at the back along with a sixteen year old at left midfield which raised a few eyebrows. Sneaking a victory from the Xat'i in last season's cup final, they'll be hoping to retain the silverware this time around too.

Home ground:
Soggybottom, New Newetoun - 25,000 seats

Notable players:
Big things are expected of all the new signings and there's very much an air of anticipation over what they could achieve here. Anja Bortland is tried and tested internationally at right wing and it's hoped that she and Alceste Toutain can form a dangerous pairing on the flank. Sky Grey has the potential to be a useful impact sub and could well be a future star striker for Toun.

Rivalries:
Xat'i Paradystopi - as title challengers
New Newetoun Saltquarry SC - local rivals

Prediction:
With Rhoderick Erdnussbougher stepping down from the national team to concentrate on managing Oldetoun exclusively, the inclusion of the young foreign talent, and a want to avenge their second place to the Xat'i in the previous season, everything points to a successful season.
Top3 - 1^st

1. GK Filthy – (unk-Mc-Baboon)
2. CD Boris Milosić – (18-Mc-Human)
3. CD Jon Smith – (31-Mc-Human)
4. CD Marija Zaljeva – (27-Fc-Human)
5. LM Jack Skibbles – (20-Mc-Human)
6. CM Chirper Longwhiskers – (8-Fc-Pteron)
7. CM Orahn – (10-Mc-Xat'i)
8. RM Floofy Scamperer – (6-Mc-Pteron)
9. LW/STR Amelya Anastasyasdottyr – (16-Fc-Human)
10. STR Honksalot Slaptail – (14-Fc-Pteron)
11. FW Error Message – (unk-Mc-Human?)
12. GK Fred – (unk-Mc-Penguin)
13. CD Bob Robertson – (30-Mc-Human)
14. CD Anna Adinić – (24-Fc-Human)
15. CM Karl Smith-Borgen – (28-Mc-Human)
16. CM Jimmy Jangletrousers – (20-Mc-Human)
17. STR/RW Yippy Longwhiskers – (5-Fc-Pteron)
18. RM/RW Bolo Bolić – (25-Mc-Human)

Manager: Error Message (Player-Manager)

Erroropolis Sporting Club a.k.a. The Errors, The Ro-ro.
Previous season: 3^rd

Having moved on from a squad of simply Error and a load of rocks, Erroropolis now boasts an 'actual' football team with players actually capable of independent movement. That said, the team is still very much a vanity project for Error with him captaining and managing the squad. Tactically, they operate with a similar modus operandi to the Xat'i; one of trying to score as many goals as possible by any means necessary. Unlike the Xat'i though, Error's autocratic management has the potential to cause issues amongst the team and there is an argument that they could actually be stronger without him on the field.

Home ground:
The Erroropolis Arena, Erroropolis - 6,971 seats

Notable players:
Aside from Error, who will likely insert himself into every passage of play possible, the squad have some promising Pteron talent in Floofy Scamperer and Chirper Longwhiskers. Error has also elected to make a rather intimidating baboon known as Filthy the first team goalkeeper in the hope of him being a disconcerting presence for opposing attackers to deal with. Whether this will actually work remains to be seen.

Rivalries:
None

Prediction:
Whilst the team possess several skilled individuals, it's very hard to forsee the squad breaking into the Top3 and the club could find Error's hair-brained schemes derail any attempts to make progress on purely sporting terms.
Middle3 - 6^th

The Three looking to make waves

1. GK Szymon Jonsson – (32-Mc-Human)
2. CB Gert Pendelicus – (32-Mc-Human)
3. CB Janika van der Stedd – (28-Fe-Human)
4. CB Colson Gerhardsson – (27-Mc-Human)
5. LM/RM Daavidts Prosyakić – (18-Mc-Human)
6. CM/LM Iajohn – (7-Fc-Xat'i)
7. CM Eyla Walpurgys – (25-Fc-Human)
8. RM/CM Leonard Lugga – (22-Mc-Human)
9. LW/STR Delta Zigismundis – (30-Fc-Human)
10. STR Myriam Gryszmeldasdottyr-Scwoggnorrys – (20-Fc-Human)
11. RW/RM Njawrao – (5-Mc-Xat'i)
12. GK Alexandar Krvić – (36-Mc-Human)
13. CB Darko Smtnyaović – (31-Mc-Human)
14. CB Petr Henriksson – (25-Mc-Human)
15. CM Dina Green – (25-Fc-Human)
16. RM/CM Edmund Black – (26-Mc-Human)
17. RM/RW Anja Morganasdottyr – (24-Fc-Human)
18. LW/STR Fidgit Wriggler – (3-Fc-Pteron)

Manager: Yevgeny Sparrowhawk - (41-Mc-Human)

Athletic Club Urbsclavoszydensanorjens a.k.a City, The Ossies/Ozzies.
Previous season: n/a

The city of Urbsclavium is found on the Paradystopi north island, founded and built by mostly Communadi and Arkan refugees seeking something a little more like home than the typically Paradystopi south island. Imposing and brutalist, this city nearly rivals New Newetoun in population whilst taking up a fraction of the space. Urbsclavoszydensanorjens consists of the 'inner city' of Urbsclavium, where the city is at its most utilitarian. The team strives to play quick moving tiki-taka style football, maintaining possession and keeping the ball in constant motion.

Home ground:
Stadia Urbsclavium, Urbsclavium - 13,820 seats

Notable players:
Leonard Lugga can be a dangerous threat cutting in from the outside, likewise Daavidts Prosyakić. Expect Njawrao to pick up a good haul of goals getting on the end of moves.

Rivalries:
AC Urbslawydraeksterlutrja - local rivals

Prediction:
This team are looking to do well and get themselves established as a major player in Paradystopi football. Whilst they may not be at a point to truly challenge for top prizes, they're more than likely to be up there in the mix.

Top3 - 3^rd

1. GK Klara Av Steinbruddet – (26-Fc-Human)
2. LB/CB Rien Dastont – (18-Mc-Human) of Auprussia
3. CB Stan Zidarić – (28-Mc-Human)
4. CB Beren Doggle – (19-Mc-Human)
5. RB Helene Gallen-Franck – (20-Fc-Human) of Kimi-Suomi
6. DM/CM Kiaren Schlippe – (24-Mc-Human)
7. LM Mikka Utenhom – (23-NB-Human)
8. RM Derek Dingle – (17-Mc-Human)
9. CM/CAM/SS Soks – (3-Fc-Xat'i)
10. STR Lia Suarez – (18-Fc-Human) of South Newlandia
11. STR Iona Schlippe – (21-Fc-Human)
12. GK Hnaukhre – (15-Fc-Xat'i)
13. LB/RB Cecil Greyston – (29-Mc-Human)
14. CB Boris Schmitt – (27-Mc-Human)
15. CM Gunya Yelenasdottyr – (25-Fc-Human)
16. LM/CM Stefan Smith – (30-Mc-Human)
17. CAM/STR Chadley Brown – (24-Mc-Human)
18. FW Njalha – (5-Fc-Xat'i)

Manager: Marcela Ramos - (36-Fc-Human) of Vielfaltig

New Newetoun Saltquarry Sporting Club a.k.a. The Salt, The Salties.
Previous season: n/a

Towards the more industrial end of the capital is found the borough of Saltquarry, and it exhibits a very different side of the city compared to Oldetoun. Whereas Oldetoun grows more affluent, Saltquarry embraces its bustling, ramshackle charm adheres strictly to a 'substance over style' approach to things. The team have made some interesting choices for their first season in Paradystopi football in signing a young, but enthusiastic squad and taking, what some may describe as, a leap of faith in new manager Marcela Ramos. Coming off of a successful player career for the Vielfaltigian national team, and SC Lutz, both of whom she served for as captain, Marcela Ramos starts her coaching journey in the inaugural season for New Newetoun Saltquarry SC. Looking to hopefully impart some of the wisdom that comes from captaining your nation to a 3^rd place in the Campionato Esportiva, and many first division titles aside, upon the Saltquarry squad.

Home ground:
Slagheap Lane Ground, New Newetoun - 5,290 seats

Notable players:
Brother and sister duo Iona and Kiaran Schlippe bring some, albeit not a great deal, much needed experience into this squad and one might expect the pair to quickly establish themselves as the beating heart of the team. Soks is rumoured to be a nuisance of an attacking midfielder who could give most defenses in the league a headache. Good things are expected of the three foreign players of Rien Dastont, Helen Gallen-Franck, and Lia Suarez also providing they can gel with the squad.

Rivalries:
SC Oldetoun New Newetoun - local rivals

Prediction:
Whilst the team show a lot of potential, their cumulative inexperience is likely to be their downfall. With Marcela Ramos being an untested quantity in a management role, it's hard to say with any certainty where Saltquarry may find themselves come the end of the season.

Middle3 - 4^th

1. GK Rhuxe – (14-Mc-Xat'i)
2. LWB/LM Farla Dolan – (31-Fc-Human)
3. CB Clyve Fish – (27-Mc-Human)
4. CB/CDM Dart Longpaw – (9-Mc-Pteron)
5. RWB Aron Magee – (29-Mc-Human)
6. CDM/CM Adyn Kokušić – (24-Mc-Human)
7. CM Smiler Wobblebottom – (7-Fc-Pteron)
8. CM Ingrid Nasilnyka – (27-Fc-Human)
9. CAM/CF Skwee Manywhiskers – (11-Fc-Pteron)
10. STR Clansey Crabbe – (23-Me-Human)
11. STR/CF Flappy Tippytapper – (4-Mc-Pteron)
12. GK Tomas Glupić – (18-Mc-Human)
13. LB/CB/CDM Nibbler Kelpcleave – (5-Fc-Pteron)
14. CB Ralf Karlsson – (31-Mc-Human)
15. RWB/RW Kyrstan Igorić – (26-Fc-Human)
16. CDM/CM Ursula Janasdottyr – (30-Fc-Human)
17. CM/CAM Chomps Longpaw – (9-Mc-Pteron)
18. STR Hooktooth Wobblebottom – (5-Mc-Pteron)

Manager: Lillianna Lepreshev - (48-Fc-Human)

Athletic Club Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja a.k.a. The Otters, The Vidders.
Previous season: n/a

Urbslawydraeksterlutrja have their home in the outskirts of Urbsclavium, where the city softens from its serious interior to something a little more reckonisable as Paradystopi. Whilst the populace is still heavily Communadi and Arkan, there also exists a large Pteron population creating an unusual melting pot of cultures one would not necessarily expect to find side-by-side. The area boast some of the best seafood restaurants in Paradystopia and strangely, a thriving arts scene. Some say that it's down to the Communadi making everything work efficiently and the Pterons making sure everyone enjoys themselves doing so. The football team play with a similar tiki-taka method to their local neighbours but whereas Urbsclavoszydensanorjens play with a meticulously drilled effeciency, Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja place a greater emphasis playing expressive, entertaining football.

Home ground:
Arenasecundarius, Urbsclavium - 7,822 seats

Notable players:
Adyn Kokušić is a gifted deep lying playmaker with the majority of attacks having passed through his possession at some point. Of these attacks, Flappy Tippytapper is more often than not the one who finds himself with the final touch given he demonstrates a great aptitude for positional awareness.

Rivalries:
AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens - local rivals

Prediction:
This team have a lot of promise and, providing they can develop their squad, look certain to stamp their name firmly upon Paradystopi football. However, they probably need a season or two to really find their groove before they're getting themselves in amongst IFCF qualification places.

Middle3 - 5^th

The Three who are just happy to be involved

1. GK Zlatana Nykwyst – (26-Fc-Human)
2. LB Dirk Coburn – (31-Mc-Human)
3. CB Donald Muck – (30-Mc-Human)
4. CB Albert Crabbe – (24-Mc-Human)
5. RB/RW Rhod Cobbler – (28-Mc-Human)
6. CM Victoria Scabbardeer – (22-Fc-Human)
7. CM/CAM/CF Bo Fisher – (24-Me-Human)
8. LW Cassandra Brooks-Weaver – (28-Fc-Human)
9. CF Spenser Rickles – (28-Mc-Human)
10. STR Akash Kharpathwa – (20-Mc-Human)
11. RW Grakjiu – (5-Fc-Xat'i)
12. GK Joss Smyth – (22-Fc-Human)
13. LB/CB Penny Jaeger-Golding – (21-Fc-Human)
14. CB Pearly Nixon – (32-Fc-Human)
15. CM Oliver Carpenter – (26-Mc-Human)
16. LW/RW Amelya Borgen – (23-Fc-Human)
17. CF/CM Krysztof Brun – (19-Mc-Human)
18. STR/RW Jimmy Quartermeister – (20-Mc-Human)

Manager: Barrington 'Barry' Highwater - (39-Mc-Human)

Farslum Hoo Sporting Club a.k.a The Hoo.
Previous season: n/a

Marking what was the far limit of the sprawling camps during the recent influx, Farslum is nothing special. It's a small town on an isle to the south-west of New Newetoun. It's also worth mentioning that no-one actually knows what the 'Hoo' is. Everyone you ask will state with absolute certainty that it's a particular local geographical feature and there is next to no consensus between anybody. However, if you wish to experience the best atmosphere at a football ground in Paradystopia, this is where you go. The locals are very passionate and loyal followers of their team to which if you ever want to make friends quickly in Paradystopia, go into an alehouse in Farslum sporting the blue and burgundy checks. The team are dangerous counter-attackers who utilise the full width of the pitch, soaking up pressure before launching into an assault at the first hint of possession.

Home ground:
The Hoohus, Farslum - 1,068 seats

Notable players:
Grakjiu and Cassandra Brooks-Weaver provide a lot of Farslum's attacking threat, both making use of great speed and agility to get around the back of defenses. Albert Crabbe can also provide great aerial threats from dead ball opportunities and well as defensively solid in the air.

Rivalries:
AC Pantsdon Shandy - minor rivalry

Prediction:
Were the league ranked on pure enthusiasm, Farslum Hoo would be odds-on favourites. Sadly for the Hoo, this is not the case, and their ability to soak up pressure against the more adept squads in the league is likely to be found wanting. Regardless of where they finish up, the fans will be cheering them on every step of the way.

Bottom3 - 7^th

1. GK Trevor Barnabysson – (31-Mc-Human)
2. LWB/CB Dixon Cooper – (26-NB-Human)
3. CB Terrenz Smith – (31-Mc-Human)
4. CB Jeremiah Lugga – (25-Mc-Human)
5. CB/RB Konrad Spoon – (19-Mc-Human)
6. RWB/RM Tobias John – (22-Mc-Human)
7. CDM Dillon Blade – (24-Fc-Human)
8. LM/CM Dagmar Scwoggnorrys – (30-Fc-Human)
9. CM Robert Robertsson – (28-Mc-Human)
10. RM/CF Happy Limpitlicker – (9-Mc-Pteron)
13. STR Morton Hook – (18-Mc-Human)
12. GK Justyna Moon – (17-NB-Human)
11. CB Agnes Stone – (27-Fc-Human)
14. CB/RWB Dany Smythe-Smith – (24-Fe-Human)
15. CDM/CB Frederika Copperthwaite – (30-Fc-Human)
16. CM Kelpy Clambanger – (12-Mc-Pteron)
17. LM/LWB Kay Mossing – (29-Fc-Human)
18. STR Edmund White – (24-Mc-Human)

Manager: Keith Mordenholm - (62-Mc-Human)

The Athletical Club of Pantsdon Shandy a.k.a. The Reds, Shandy.
Previous season: n/a

Pantsdon Shandy is a large village which insists that it's not a suburb of New Newetoun. In fairness, it isn't, but it is close enough to prompt the question that so vexes the locals ("Is this classed as New Newetoun?"). Pantsdon prides itself on being a pretty, well-maintained village, and those who live there are frequently distrustful of outsiders, believing them likely to 'mess up the place'. When it comes to football, Pantsdon like the fact that they have got their team a place within the FLoP9 being of the mind that this puts them on a similar level to the likes of New Newetoun, and Urbsclavium. In reality, to say that they are here to make up the numbers would be more of an accurate statement. On top of this, they seem to opt for a somewhat post-football style of play. Keith Mordenholm denies this has anything to do with Audioslavia's recent world cup win.

Home ground:
Bentelms Boulevard, Pantsdon - 1,290 seats

Notable players:
Tobias John is the player that sticks out amongst the Pantsdon teamsheet offering threats down the wing as well being able to play a good accurate long ball with either foot, and were it not for a bit of a problematic attitude, Morton Hook could potentially have a promising career in Paradystopi football.

Rivalries:
SC Oldetoun New Newetoun - local rivalry
Farslum Hoo - minor rivalry

Prediction:
The Reds are likely to find the upcoming season a tough one as, simply put, they are somewhat outclassed by most of the other squads in the league. With nothing really to lose though, they'll likely be happy to claim the scalp of a decent opponent or two at some point in the season. If they do manage this, they are likely to milk any victories for all they are worth.

Bottom3 - 8^th

1. GK/DF Roger – (unk-Mc-Penguin)
2. DF/MF Karen – (unk-Fc-Penguin)
3. DF/MF Nigel – (unk-Mc-Penguin)
4. DF/MF Edna – (unk-Fc-Penguin)
5. DF/MF Trevor – (unk-Mc-Penguin)
6. DF/MF Julia – (unk-Fc-Penguin)
7. MF/FW Harold – (unk-Mc-Penguin)
8. MF/FW Bob – (unk-Mc-Penguin)
9. MF/FW Ethel – (unk-Fc-Penguin)
10. MF/FW Jeremy – (unk-Mc-Penguin)
11. MF/FW Steve – (unk-Mc-Penguin)
12. GK/DF Granville – (unk-Mc-Penguin)
13. DF/MF Patricia – (unk-Fc-Penguin)
14. DF/MF Ingrid – (unk-Fc-Penguin)
15. DF/MF Fenton – (unk-Mc-Penguin)
16. MF/FW Barry – (unk-Mc-Penguin)
17. MF/FW Charles – (unk-Mc-Penguin)
18. MF/FW Cynthia – (unk-Fc-Penguin)

Manager: Scratch Lobsterbane - (15-Mc-Pteron)

Random Penguins XI a.k.a. The Penguins.
Previous season: n/a

Formed to make use of the penguins of the national team, there's little else to say about Random Penguins XI. Pteron Scratch Lobsterbane has accepted the unenviable task of attempting to find some strategy to make this squad more than, what seems like, a joke team.

Home ground:
Penguin Research Base 'Charlie' - 0 seats, little more than a field.

Notable players:
... they're a bunch of penguins ...
That, and the only penguin of note is playing for the Xat'i.

Rivalries:
None

Prediction:
Despite a glut of national team experience, it's hard to foresee the penguins picking up a point, much less achieving sufficient points to not finish last.
Bottom3 - 9^th

Note on age classifications:
unk = unknown
Note on gender classification:
Gender in Paradystopia falls into three categories across five classifications. The categories are male, female and non-binary, with male and female both subdivided into cisgendered and electively gendered. As such, 'Mc' equates to a cisgendered male, and 'Fe' would equate to an electively gendered female (or, more commonly known throughout the multiverse as a transgender woman.) For the most part, the average Paradystopi* would only state their gender category when asked. Full classifications are included here for completeness.

*By average Paradystopi, I refer to the human population. The Pterons and Xat'i will just give their biological sex and couldn't really care less if their perceived gender appears contrary to this. Neither species' natural language features gendered pronouns and their views of biological sex bears little relevance to them beyond if it's pertinent to know whether one could or could not nurse their young.

by **Qyzzyxzyan Draconic Territories** » Tue Jul 08, 2025 1:59 pm

Hiya again,

So this is like, just a quick note from me as you see, I noticed that like, there were some errors in the transcription of my astounding preview to our football league

Qyzzyxzyan Draconic Territories wrote:But yeah, that's like, the five teams in the Super Most Awesomest Football League of the Qyzzyxzyan Draconic Territories and Other North Paradystopi Archipelagic States (or the SMAFLQDTONPS for short.)

Qyzzyxzyan Draconic Territories wrote:But yeah, so that's like, the SMAFLQDTONPS.

So, like, I very clearly said that the league is called the Super Most Awesomest Football League of the Qyzzyxzyan Draconic Territories and Other North Paradystopi Archipelagic States, right?

And like, anyone with even half a brain can see that like, the acronym for that would be SMAFLQDTONPAS, yeah?

I mean, it's like, just unacceptable.

So anyway, I had my official scribe; peon six-twenty (or was it seven-twenty? Note to self: have six-twenty, or seven-twenty, executed post-haste, just to be sure.) flayed and then like, used their skin for the leather top to a fancy new writing desk.

Anyway, so that's like, all sorted now.

All Praises and Glories yaddi-yaddi-ya ...

Hiya again, again,

Funny story actually ...

So you know I said I had peon six-twenty (or seven-twenty) like, turned into a writing desk? Well, you see, it turned out that it was peon six-thirty I had turned into a writing desk. Peon six-thirty was actually the guy who tended to my zen garden.

Whoopsy. Lol. I'm like, such a doofus at times.

Anyway, the decapitated heads of peons six-twenty and seven-twenty now like, take pride of place in the zen garden because it like, felt appropriate or something.

All Praises and Glories unto me

In the Almightly Name of the Most Excellent Dragonlord,
Supreme Protector of our Lands,
and Wise and Just Leader of our Peoples,
Verily, here are the football results.

Week 1

Day 1
Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi 2–1 GQSDFC Peons Unus
MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF 0–0 GQSDFC Peons Duus

Day 2
A non-descript football team 1–1 MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF
GQSDFC Peons Duus 0–0 Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi
GQSDFC Peons Unus 0–0 A non-descript football team
MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF 0–0 Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi
GQSDFC Peons Duus 0–0 GQSDFC Peons Unus

Day 3
A non-descript football team 1–0 GQSDFC Peons Duus
GQSDFC Peons Unus 0–1 MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF
Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi 3–0 A non-descript football team

. SMAFLQDTONPAS                    Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD    Win %   Pts 
1 Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi                  4    2   2   0     5    1   +4    0.750     2
2 MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF             4    1   3   0     2    1   +1    0.625     1
3 A non-descript football team       4    1   2   1     2    4   −2    0.500     1
4 GQSDFC Peons Duus                  4    0   3   1     0    1   −1    0.375     0
5 GQSDFC Peons Unus                  4    0   2   2     1    3   −2    0.250     0

Lo! In their inestimable magnificence did the Supreme Dragonlord bring forth a glorious contest of sport.
And all who hold the Dragonlord deep within their soul did bare witness and exclaim with much rejoicing that it was good.
For those who spoke ill of this eminent competition, and made evil accusations of passive play were struck down in disgrace, cut up into many tiny pieces and flushed down the toilet.
Let the true believers see that such a number of drawn contests serves only to show how we are all equally blessed by the Supreme Dragonlord.
That Their love and guidance doth elevate us to stand together in the shadow of Their Infinite Majesty.

Week 2

Day 4
MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF 1–0 A non-descript football team
GQSDFC Peons Unus 0–0 Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi

Day 5
GQSDFC Peons Duus 1–0 MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF
A non-descript football team 1–0 GQSDFC Peons Unus
Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi 1–1 MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF
GQSDFC Peons Unus 0–0 GQSDFC Peons Duus
A non-descript football team 1–1 Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi

Day 6
GQSDFC Peons Duus 1–0 A non-descript football team
MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF 0–1 GQSDFC Peons Unus
Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi 0–0 GQSDFC Peons Duus

. SMAFLQDTONPAS                    Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD    Win %   Pts 
1 Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi                  8    2   6   0     7    3   +4    0.625     2
2 GQSDFC Peons Duus                  8    2   5   1     2    1   +1    0.562     2
3 MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF             8    2   4   2     4    4    0    0.500     2
4 A non-descript football team       8    2   3   3     4    7   −3    0.438     2
5 GQSDFC Peons Unus                  8    1   4   3     2    4   −2    0.375     1

Blessed be the Plebs and the Peons (Duus) for they did vanquish the non-descript heathens to fourth in the league, and thus there was much rejoicing.
May repentance abound the Peons (Unus) for they did fail to also vanquish the non-descript heathens, and thus there was great sorrow.
In Their incomparable awesomeness did the Dragonlord spake unto the Peons (Unus).
"What's like, wrong with you shitstains? You're supposed to be like, putting those weirdos in their place. You better start winning more games, or I'll start using people's spines for corner flags or something."
Thus was the divine word of the Supreme Dragonlord.
All Praises and Glories unto Them.

by **A non-descript puppet nation** » Wed Jul 09, 2025 7:02 am

IDN:

sport1

contents:

football results for public publication. redacted as appropriate.

comments:

n/a

Week 3

Day 7
GQSDFC Peons Duus 2–3 Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi
A non-descript football team 3–1 MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF

Day 8
GQSDFC Peons Unus 0–1 A non-descript football team
MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF 1–1 Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi
GQSDFC Peons Duus 0–0 GQSDFC Peons Unus
Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi 1–2 A non-descript football team
MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF 1–0 GQSDFC Peons Duus

Day 9
Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi 1–0 GQSDFC Peons Unus
A non-descript football team 0–1 GQSDFC Peons Duus
GQSDFC Peons Unus 0–0 MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF

. SMAFLQDTONPAS                    Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD    Win %   Pts 
1 A non-descript football team      12    5   3   4    10   10    0    0.542     5
2 Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi                 12    4   7   1    13    8   +5    0.625     4
3 GQSDFC Peons Duus                 12    3   6   3     5    5    0    0.500     3
4 MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF            12    3   6   3     7    8   −1    0.500     3
5 GQSDFC Peons Unus                 12    1   6   5     2    6   −4    0.333     1

additional comments:

team surpassing expectation. file necessary commendation report. (additional comments redacted as appropriate).

by **Qyzzyxzyan Draconic Territories** » Thu Jul 10, 2025 5:21 am

Right. I'm like, fucking livid.

Own up. Now! Which one of you did it?

Who stole my fucking pope?!

If this is some sort of prank or something, it's like, not funny. Not in the slightest.

I'm so annoyed that I like, crushed six of my peons for like, no reason this morning. Two of whom were supposed to be playing football like, this coming weekend which pissed me off some more resulting in like, a further five peons getting obliterated or something. So yeah, whoever's responsible for this, you've got like, the blood of eleven of my citizens on your hands or something, and now I've got to wash the blood of my citizens off of my claws and it's like, all your fault or something.

Don't go all playing dumb and that. 'We didn't know you had a pope' blah blah blah.

I'm like, a Supreme Ultimate Infinitely-powerful Dragonlord, y'know? Of course I'm gonna have like, a pope or something. I need someone to like, lead in my praises and stuff.

Well, I did. And now some other bastard country has like, stolen him!

I mean, I did find this like, note, but that proves nothing. My pope wouldn't just leave by himself. He's MY pope!

So yeah, I was like paying a visit to my loyal subjects in the village. Like, to demonstrate my authority and all that. Have them all pray to me and stuff. Thing is that they were like, fighting. There was this like, big argument over who the pope should be and I was like, 'WTF, everyone knows that it's Pepe'. So I did like, the whole dramatic entrance stuff, fire, thunder, y'know, classic deity shit and they like, all dropped to their knees and started blathering about like, who gets to be next pope. I was soooo confused and then they like, showed me this note they like, found in the ceremonial quarters for the pope or something.

Dearest Qyzzyxzy,

For a great many moons, I have held the inestimable honour of the papacy of your proud nation.
With a heavy heart, I now must relinquish this.

Things have changed since the olden times, and now I yearn to see the Multiverse.

All Praises and Glories unto the Supreme Dragonlord

Eternally yours,

Pepe Papa (Emeritus)

I mean, like, this is a joke.

Someone has set this up to like, make it look like Pepe left of his own accord or something, and like, he wouldn't fucking do that.

He just fucking wouldn't.

He wouldn't.

And no, I'm not crying. I'm like, literally a God.

Why would I like, be crying anyway?

It's only like, my first pope.

Like, my first truly loyal subject.

Someone stole him.

He wouldn't do this.

He wouldn't.

...

... I want my Pepe back.

In the Almightly Name of the Most Excellent Dragonlord,
Supreme Protector of our Lands,
and Wise and Just Leader of our Peoples,
Verily, here are the football results following the most holy of delays due to a national period of mourning over the absence of Pope Pepe I.

Week 4

Day 10
Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi 2–1 GQSDFC Peons Duus
A non-descript football team 0–1 GQSDFC Peons Unus

Day 11
GQSDFC Peons Duus 0–1 A non-descript football team
MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF 1–0 GQSDFC Peons Unus
A non-descript football team 0–4 Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi
GQSDFC Peons Unus 0–0 GQSDFC Peons Duus
Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi 3–3 MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF

Day 12
MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF 0–1 A non-descript football team
GQSDFC Peons Unus 0–1 Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi
GQSDFC Peons Duus 0–0 MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF

. SMAFLQDTONPAS                    Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD    Win %   Pts 
1 Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi                 16    7   8   1    23   12  +11    0.688     7
2 A non-descript football team      16    7   3   6    12   15   −3    0.531     7
3 MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF            16    4   8   4    11   12   −1    0.500     4
4 GQSDFC Peons Duus                 16    3   8   5     6    8   −2    0.438     3
5 GQSDFC Peons Unus                 16    2   7   7     3    8   −5    0.344     2

Forsaken thus by this period of national mourning, did the Plebs Fidelis fall behind the Xat'i and the non-descript heathens.
And this did compound the sadness of our Supreme Dragonlord.
In their wisdom, they did sacrifice a great many of the Peons and did warn of the Plebs that such a fate would befall them also.
The Plebs did but wish to name a successor to the Most Holy Pope Pepe I, and sought of guidance of the Dragonlord.
But alas, the Dragonlord thus spake 'I don't care. I don't want to like, talk about it.' and explicitly did not openly weep but did insist that, in their incomparable majesty, they had just been cutting onions.
Thus, this Sunday hath been named henceforth as National Onion Day, where believers are obliged to 'Cutteth of the onion until thine eyes doth stream with tears, but thy doth explicitly not weep' that we may emulate our Most Magnificent Draconic Overlord.

Week 5

Day 13
GQSDFC Peons Unus 0–1 MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF
A non-descript football team 1–0 GQSDFC Peons Duus

Day 14
MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF 6–3 Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi
GQSDFC Peons Unus 1–0 A non-descript football team
GQSDFC Peons Duus 0–1 Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi
A non-descript football team 0–2 MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF
GQSDFC Peons Duus 0–0 GQSDFC Peons Unus

Day 15
Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi 2–0 GQSDFC Peons Unus
MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF 1–0 GQSDFC Peons Duus
Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi 6–0 A non-descript football team

. SMAFLQDTONPAS                    Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD    Win %   Pts 
1 Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi                 20   10   8   2    35   18  +17    0.700    10   Q-IFCF Champions League, Q-CEdC
2 MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF            20    8   8   4    21   15   +6    0.600     8   Q-IFCF Challengers Cup, Q-CEdC
3 A non-descript football team      20    8   3   9    13   24  −11    0.475     8   Q-IFCF Challengers Cup
4 GQSDFC Peons Duus                 20    3   9   8     6   11   −5    0.375     3
5 GQSDFC Peons Unus                 20    3   8   9     4   11   −7    0.350     3

Here endeth the season, and there was much rejoicing.
The Most Holy of incentives of a fate worse than death did spur on the loyal Plebs to succeed the non-descript heathens.
The fact that the Xat'i did claim victory of the SMAFLQDTONPAS shalt be ignored.
All Praises and Glories to the Supreme Draconic Overlord.
Long may Their wisdom guide us.

by **A non-descript puppet nation** » Thu Jul 10, 2025 5:50 am

IDN:

diplomacyQDT1

contents:

passage to paradystopia. pre-redaction.

comments:

request of passage.

To whom it may concern,

My name is Pepe, though many know me as Pepe I Papa, or Pope Pepe I.

I am humbly requesting of your nation, as a diplomat of the Qyzzyxzyan Draconic Territories, safe passage to Paradystopia.

I possess a modest amount of the local currency which I offer as payment for your services.

Yours Sincerely

Pepe Papa (Emeritus)

additional comments:

request accepted and executed
agreed price of information pertinent to the primary objective

by **Paradystopia** » Fri Jul 18, 2025 8:58 am

WEEK 1

- Champions League 23 - Second qualifying round, First leg

Xat'i Paradystopi 0–1 SC Surabaya 1927 (Kaumann)
unknown, 86' - (0-1)

And the first proper season of Paradystopi football gets underway with a bang.

That is, if one were to describe an attempt at an inconspicuous fart in a shallow bath as a 'bang'.

The Xat'i provided an uninspiring performance for their first taste of international competition which SC Surabaya 1927 capitalised upon, albeit leaving it rather late to finally snatch the away win which left the Xat'i with everything to do in next week's trip to Kaumann.

WEEK 2

- Champions League 23 - Second qualifying round, Second leg

SC Surabaya 1927 (Kaumann) 2-0 Xat'i Paradystopi (3-0 agg.)
unknown, 28' - (1-0)
unknown, 44' - (2-0)

Despite needing to overturn a 1-0 home loss to progress further in the Champions League, the Xat'i play was more indicative of a team apparently disgruntled at their season beginning two weeks before their domestic league competition. After an errant back pass was pounced upon just before the half-hour mark, the Xat'i deflated and showed little drive to get back into the match. When the Kaumanners received a penalty, to which they slotted home the rebound after a save from Sjiu just before half time, the Xat'i appeared to fully check out and spent the remainder of the match holding up possession and time-wasting. SC Surabaya 1927 had no real complaints about this and the game ended as possibly one of the dullest 2-0 victories in IFCF history.

WEEK 3

- Challengers Cup 23 - Third qualifying round, First leg

Xat'i Paradystopi 0-0 Rülândéá Kôstä (Farfadillis)

- First phase - Matchday 1

Erroropolis SC 5–3 Random Penguins XI
Bob (p.), 9' - (0-1)
C.Longwhiskers, 18' - (1-1)
Filthy (o.g.), 22' - (1-2)
Anastasyasdottyr, 39' - (2-2)
Message, 52' - (3-2)
Slaptail, 59' - (4-2)
Message, 66' - (5-2)
Filthy (o.g.), 90'+2 - (5-3)

AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja 0–0 New Newetoun Saltquarry SC

SC Oldetoun New Newetoun 5–0 Farslum Hoo SC
Borgen, 28' - (1-0)
Bortland (p.), 32' - (2-0)
Bortland, 72' - (3-0)
Toutain, 74' - (4-0)
Borgen, 81' - (5-0)

AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens 0–0 AC Pantsdon Shandy

.     FLoP9                        Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts. 
 1  SC Oldetoun New Newetoun       1    1   0   0     5    0   +5     5
 2  Erroropolis SC                 1    1   0   0     5    3   +2     5
 3  AC Pantsdon Shandy             1    0   1   0     0    0    0     2
 =  AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens    1    0   1   0     0    0    0     2
 =  AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja    1    0   1   0     0    0    0     2
 =  New Newetoun Saltquarry SC     1    0   1   0     0    0    0     2
 7  Xat'i Paradystopi              0    0   0   0     0    0    0     0
 8  Random Penguins XI             1    0   0   1     3    5   −2     0
 9  Farslum Hoo SC                 1    0   0   1     0    5   −5     0

And so begins (officially) the Football League of Paradystopia.

Thankfully for the Xat'i, they began with a bye week so could concentrate their full efforts on Ruh...? Rool...? Ruelay...? Roolaan...? a Farf team we shall henceforth refer to as 'Roland' in the Challengers Cup. It was a tense affair and neither team truly grasped the initiative, though that's not to undermine some fantastic displays of goalkeeping from both teams. However, it does once again leave the Xat'i with the uphill battle of needing a result in the away leg.

In the league, the match for the neutrals was certainly watching the Erroropolis squad making an unholy mess of defeating the penguins. Whilst they did go on to win the match, questions were raised of the Erroropolis goalkeeper; Filthy, who gave away an early penalty for trying to physically throw Penguin striker Steve out of the six-yard box on a corner and proceeded twice to throw the ball into his own net. Given he also received a yellow card for throwing fecal matter at an assistant referee, could he be too much of a liability going forward?

In other games, Oldetoun put in a comprehensive performance against the Hoo though the final scoreline could be seen as somewhat harsh on a Farslum team who, despite being outclassed had several promising attacks and put Oldetoun in some testing positions throughout the match. Saltquarry failed to get the start they would've wanted, but showed a solid defensive effort against the troublesome Otters who, on occasions looked particularly dangerous with the ball. And Urbsclavoszydensanorjens will be rueing many missed chances against a Pantsdon unit who will happily take the unexpected draw.

WEEK 4

- Challengers Cup 23 - Third qualifying round, Second leg

Rülândéá Kôstä (Farfadillis) 3-2 Xat'i Paradystopi (3-2 agg.)
Rsheu, 1' - (0-1)
unknown, 17' - (1-1)
unknown, 45'+1 - (2-1)
unknown, 70' - (3-1)
Jim, 88' - (3-2)

- First Phase - Matchday 2

Farslum Hoo SC 1–1 AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens
Kharpathwa, 82' - (1-0)
Gryszmeldasdottyr-Scwoggnorrys, 89' - (1-1)

New Newetoun Saltquarry SC 1–0 SC Oldetoun New Newetoun
Suarez, 71' - (1-0)

Random Penguins XI 0–2 AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja
Crabbe, 40' - (0-1)
Kokušić, 69' - (0-2)

Xat'i Paradystopi 5–1 Erroropolis SC
Wakkis, 13' - (1-0)
Rsheu, 50' - (2-0)
Olii, 75' - (3-0)
Rsheu, 78' - (4-0)
Rsheu, 84' - (5-0)
Message, 90'+3 - (5-1)

.      FLoP9                        Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts. 
 1  AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja    2    1   1   0     2    0   +2     7
 2  New Newetoun Saltquarry SC     2    1   1   0     1    0   +1     7
 3  SC Oldetoun New Newetoun       2    1   0   1     5    1   +4     5
 =  Xat'i Paradystopi              1    1   0   0     5    1   +4     5
 5  Erroropolis SC                 2    1   0   1     6    8   −2     5
 6  AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens    2    0   2   0     1    1    0     4
 7  AC Pantsdon Shandy             1    0   1   0     0    0    0     2
 8  Farslum Hoo SC                 2    0   1   1     1    6   −5     2
 9  Random Penguins XI             2    0   0   2     3    7   −4     0

Despite an electric start from the Xat'i, it was sadly not enough to keep them in the Challengers Cup. 'Roland' grew into the game, asserted their dominance, and held on for the win in spite of a late flurry from the Xat'i that saw Jim notch his first goal as an honorary cat.

The Xat'i then seemed to take out their frustrations of a lack of results in international football upon Erroropolis later in the week, finding fine goal-scoring form in the second half to claim a deserved 5-1 victory. The big match however, was the New Newetoun derby, and a first chance to see how these rivals from the capital stacked against one another. The first half was a measured affair with both squads playing somewhat tentatively, neither wanting to allow the other to snatch an advantage. As the second half came around, the pressure began to show and the match evolved into an enthralling defensive war of attrition. Attacks began to flow more frequently as each squad picked and poked at the other's defensive line and the game teetered uneasily upon a knife-edge. The feeling was that somebody was going to win this game, but no spectator was willing to say exactly who that would be with any confidence. Finally, it was Saltquarry who broke the deadlock. Soks lost their defender, found an overlap with a deft one-two with Iona Schlippe, and got the ball to Lia Suarez who had just enough space to take a touch before placing the ball into the bottom far corner of the goal, just out of reach of her countryman Harold King's fingers. Oldetoun tried to up the intensity to try and get back on even terms, but the momentum was fully in favour of Saltquarry who clung on for a precious victory.

In other games, the Ossies once again laboured for a draw, this time at Farslum. With a last-minute goal managing to even the scores after Akash Kharpathwa's header from a corner took a lucky deflection to wrong-foot the Urbsclavoszydensanorjens keeper. The Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja team took an easy victory at the Penguins to put themselves in top spot of the league, though with only two matchdays played, there's a long way to go yet.

WEEK 5
- No Matches

by **Paradystopia** » Sat Jul 19, 2025 4:52 am

WEEK 6

- First Phase - Matchday 3

AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja 1–5 Xat'i Paradystopi
Hleqrru - 4' - (0-1)
Rhiagr - 6' - (0-2)
Rsheu - 13' - (0-3)
Tippytapper - 33' - (1-3)
Rhiagr - 59' - (1-4)
Rhisje - 80' - (1-5)

SC Oldetoun New Newetoun 1–0 Random Penguins XI
Harbormeisterson - 20' - (1-0)

AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens 0–5 New Newetoun Saltquarry SC
I.Schlippe - 54' - (0-1)
Utenhom - 63' - (0-2)
Soks - 65' - (0-3)
Njalha - 77' - (0-4)
Suarez - 81' - (0-5)

AC Pantsdon Shandy 0–2 Farslum Hoo SC
Kharpathwa - 69' - (0-1)
Scabbardeer - 75' - (0-2)

.      FLoP9                        Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts. 
 1  New Newetoun Saltquarry SC     3    2   1   0     6    0   +6    12
 2  Xat'i Paradystopi              2    2   0   0    10    2   +8    10
 3  SC Oldetoun New Newetoun       3    2   0   1     6    1   +5    10
 4  AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja    3    1   1   1     3    5   −2     7
 5  Farslum Hoo SC                 3    1   1   1     3    6   −3     7
 6  Erroropolis SC                 2    1   0   1     6    8   −2     5
 7  AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens    3    0   2   1     1    6   −5     4
 8  AC Pantsdon Shandy             2    0   1   1     0    2   −2     2
 9  Random Penguins XI             3    0   0   3     3    8   −5     0

This week was a week that the city of Urbsclavium would wish to forget with both teams managing to concede 5 goals on home soil. Whereas the Otters at least had the excuse of playing a Xat'i squad bolstered by a lack of international fixtures, the Ossies had no such excuse as they crumbled in spectacular fashion against a Saltquarry team who, at this stage at least, are putting the pundits pre-season predictions to shame. Even at this point in the season, fans are beginning to ask questions over whether Marcela Ramos' contract should be extended to see exactly how far she could take this squad.
On the subject of managers based in New Newetoun, Rhoddri Erdnussbougher's Oldetoun laboured to an unconvincing victory against the penguins. This, following their derby defeat at the hands of the Salties, has seen fans demanding more of their team and this disharmony does not bode well for the squad deemed favourites for the league title.
In the other game, Farslum Hoo claimed their first win of the campaign, comfortably dispatching a lacklustre Pantsdon team once they finally broke the Reds defense just before the 70 minute mark.

WEEK 7

- First Phase - Matchday 4

New Newetoun Saltquarry SC 1–1 AC Pantsdon Shandy
Hook (p.) - 45'+2 - (0-1)
I.Schlippe - 59' - (1-1)

Random Penguins XI 1–3 AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens
Zigismundis - 7' - (0-1)
Zigismundis - 37' - (0-2)
Steve - 47' - (1-2)
Prosyakić - 49' - (1-3)

Xat'i Paradystopi 2–2 SC Oldetoun New Newetoun
Borgen - 36' - (0-1)
Minglor - 48' - (0-2)
T'ut'sii - 60' - (1-2)
Rhiagr - 72' - (2-2)

Erroropolis SC 3–1 AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja
Anastasyasdottyr - 18' - (1-0)
Anastasyasdottyr - 42' - (2-0)
Manywhiskers - 77' - (2-1)
Anastasyasdottyr (p.) - 82' - (3-1)

.      FLoP9                        Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts. 
 1  New Newetoun Saltquarry SC     4    2   2   0     7    1   +6    14
 2  Xat'i Paradystopi              3    2   1   0    12    4   +8    12
 3  SC Oldetoun New Newetoun       4    2   1   1     8    3   +5    12
 4  Erroropolis SC                 3    2   0   1     9    9    0    10
 5  AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens    4    1   2   1     4    7   −3     9
 6  Farslum Hoo SC                 3    1   1   1     3    6   −3     7
 7  AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja    4    1   1   2     4    8   −4     7
 8  AC Pantsdon Shandy             3    0   2   1     1    3   −2     4
 9  Random Penguins XI             4    0   0   4     4   11   −7     0

Just when it was looking like Oldetoun were turning a corner in taking a two goal lead over their title rivals, a sloppy final half an hour saw them have to settle for equal spoils. They took the lead through a sweetly-placed strike from Sebastien Borgen who saw his chance early against an out-of-place Sjiu and when Deltic youngster, Bernie Minglor managed to get the final touch during some penalty area pinball following a corner early in the second half, Toun looked to be cruising to a well-deserved victory. The Xat'i however, had other ideas and once T'ut'sii pounced on an errant back pass on the hour mark, the tide was clearly turning. Twelve minutes later and a header from Rhiagr zipped past Oldetoun's keeper at the near post to set the scores level. To Oldetoun's credit, they stood firm to prevent a Xat'i victory. Anya Kanaka notably making some important tackles to prevent the Xat'i monopolising on their momentum.
Saltquarry were also guilty this week of squandering points. A dubious tackle from Beren Doggle on Morton Hook saw the former receive a red card for denying an obvious goal-scoring opportunity and Hook promptly executed the penalty on the stroke of half-time. The Salt soldiered on with ten players in the second half, and Iona Schlippe's quick counterattack from her brother Kiaran's long ball managed to even the scores but they struggled to gain an advantage against a Pantsdon squad who dug in their heels with some particularly ugly Ko-Orenite style football.
In the other games, Urbsclavoszydensanorjens managed a comfortable victory over the penguins and Erroropolis took advantage of an Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja team who seemed to still be reeling from their defeat at the hands (paws?) of the Xat'i the previous week.

WEEK 8

- Preliminary Round - First leg

Erroropolis SC 0–2 SC Oldetoun New Newetoun
Harbormeisterson - 68' - (0-1)
Sosjian - 73' - (0-2)

And so begins the Paradystopi domestic cup competition, where all the teams battle it out for the ultimate prestige of being able to proudly raise aloft a battered old copper saucepan.

And they call our league a joke ...

In what some viewed as a cruel twist of fate, the reigning champions were required to face off in the preliminary round compounding the rejection of Oldetoun's entry into the IFCF cup winners' cup. This decision was appealed by the Oldetoun board albeit fruitlessly with the team receiving a swift reply with words to the effect of 'read the rules, and tell your league's governing body to get their shit together' which was, in fairness, a fair point.
Erroropolis started the game strong and had Oldetoun on the back foot for much of the first half though Toun's defense held strong. On top of this, Harold King looked unbeatable between the sticks foiling several attempts from Error Message with some classy saves. The turning point came however, when around the hour mark the Ro-ro's goalkeeping baboon saw fit to sink his teeth into Anja Bortland's leg whilst mopping up a long ball played down the wing for the Oldetoun winger to chase. Bortland had to be replaced with Erik Klaerre to seek medical attention, and Filthy was shown a red card provoking Error to sacrifice Honksalot Slaptail to bring on substitute keeper Fred. This chain of events marked the downfall of Erroropolis as Oldetoun made full use of the extra space and man advantage to claim two goals and put themselves in pole position for the second leg.
Animal rights campaigners did raise questions of the league and Erroropolis SC following the match after Error Message was seen repeatedly striking Filthy over the head with a rolled-up newspaper after full-time and shouting 'Bad Monkey'. FLoP officials have stated that they will look into the matter, and that they take animal safety very seriously. Erroropolis SC have declined to respond to the accusations. Anja Bortland is expected to make a full recovery.

WEEK 9
- No Matches

INTERNAL MEMO
Subject: Scheduling discrepancies
To whom it may concern,
Just a quick query regarding the number of 'off days' in the league schedule. It has come to my attention that something in the scheduling of the season has gone awry. We seem to be down for a total of 22 matchdays for the football league and by my calculations, this is somewhat lower than the actual number of matchdays required to complete the season in due course so as to maintain the scheduling of the Rondeau final. I understand, and support the need for a winter break but feel that, with present scheduling, we wouldn't have the necessary time to complete the league in due course. Maybe we should abandon, or at least reduce the winter break so as to accommodate the required (by my calculations) 27 matchdays?
RSVP

INTERNAL MEMO
Subject: re:Scheduling discrepancies
Now look here. I hope you are not insinuating that the FLoP offices have made a miscalculation? Allow me to explain this in simple terms. In the first stage, each team plays each other home and away. That is 8 fixtures twice, thus 16 matches. In the second phase, there are three groups of three whom play each other three times (neutral ground, home and away). That is 2 fixtures thrice, thus 6 matches. Therefore 16 + 6 = 22 and we have taken great care to schedule in these 22 matches to ensure that the Rondeau final occurs on schedule. I have absolutely no idea where you have got the number 27 from.
Given that I have already booked (and paid for!) a three-week winter break in Eshialand, incorporating a brief stopover in Osterhalten at great personal expense, I see absolutely no reason to cancel this for the sake of some bullshit theory about the schedules not lining up. Please keep your ridiculous reasoning to yourself in future, and acknowledge that we know very well what we are doing.
With Regards

WEEK 10

- First Phase - Matchday 5

SC Oldetoun New Newetoun 1–0 Erroropolis SC
Grey - 90'+1 - (1-0)

AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens 0–3 Xat'i Paradystopi
Rsheu - 13' - (0-1)
Olii - 65' - (0-2)
Rsheu - 66' - (0-3)

AC Pantsdon Shandy 0–0 Random Penguins XI

Farslum Hoo SC 0–3 New Newetoun Saltquarry SC
Dingle - 3' - (0-1)
Suarez - 25' - (0-2)
Suarez - 56' - (0-3)

.      FLoP9                        Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts. 
 1  New Newetoun Saltquarry SC     5    3   2   0    10    1   +9    19
 2  Xat'i Paradystopi              4    3   1   0    15    4  +11    17
 3  SC Oldetoun New Newetoun       5    3   1   1     9    3   +6    17
 4  Erroropolis SC                 4    2   0   2     9   10   −1    10
 5  AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens    5    1   2   2     4   10   −6     9
 6  AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja    4    1   1   2     4    8   −4     7
 7  Farslum Hoo SC                 4    1   1   2     3    9   −6     7
 8  AC Pantsdon Shandy             4    0   3   1     1    3   −2     6
 9  Random Penguins XI             5    0   1   4     4   11   −7     2

One may expect that a 0-0 draw is unlikely to provide a major talking point of the week's football. However, when that 0-0 is that of a team failing to beat a squad comprised purely of penguins, it's going to raise eyebrows. The Reds of Pantsdon Shandy left the field to a chorus of boos from home fans this week as Scratch Lobsterbane's team of penguins managed to claim their first points of the campaign at the Shandy's expense. Many have accused the Reds of complacency in the match, and others claiming that the stubborn adherence to post-football stratagems was an oversight given that many of the psychological tactics involved are not as effective on penguins. Either way, this week will go down in history for the Random Penguins XI whilst being an unwanted badge of shame for the Pantsdon Shandy squad.
In the other games, both the Xat'i and the Salties continue their unbeated league runs with comfortable victories over Urbsclavoszydensanorjens and Farslum respectively whilst Sky Grey managed to save the blushes of Oldetoun with a last-minute goal to inflict a second loss on Erroropolis in as many weeks. These results have the two New Newetoun teams and the Xat'i pulling away at the top of the table and it remains to be seen whether any of the teams in the chasing pack can do anything to turn this around before the league reaches it's second phase.
There's obviously still plenty of time yet, but based on current trends no-one is yet to prove themselves to be up amongst these three squads.

Additional links:
Goal Scorer and Clean Sheet Stats

by **Paradystopia** » Sun Jul 20, 2025 5:36 am

WEEK 11

Associations Trophy - Group Stage, MD1

Xat'i Paradystopi 1-1 Hiyashi Celestia (Saint Eleanor)
unknown - 62' - (0-1)
Rsheu - 70' - (1-1)

- First Phase - Matchday 6

Random Penguins XI 1–1 Farslum Hoo SC
Brooks-Weaver - 36' - (0-1)
Coburn (o.g.) - 89' - (1-1)

Xat'i Paradystopi 2–0 AC Pantsdon Shandy
Wakkis - 27' - (1-0)
Qut'ii - 79' - (2-0)

Erroropolis SC 1–5 AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens
Njawrao - 5' - (0-1)
Message - 22' - (1-1)
Walpurgys - 26' - (1-2)
Njawrao - 40' - (1-3)
Filthy (o.g.) - 57' - (1-4)
Gryszmeldasdottyr-Scwoggnorrys - 60' - (1-5)

AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja 0–1 SC Oldetoun New Newetoun
Klaerre - 53' - (0-1)

.      FLoP9                        Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts. 
 1  Xat'i Paradystopi              5    4   1   0    17    4  +13    22
 2  SC Oldetoun New Newetoun       6    4   1   1    10    3   +7    22
 3  New Newetoun Saltquarry SC     5    3   2   0    10    1   +9    19
 4  AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens    6    2   2   2     9   11   −2    14
 5  Erroropolis SC                 5    2   0   3    10   15   −5    10
 6  Farslum Hoo SC                 5    1   2   2     4   10   −6     9
 7  AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja    5    1   1   3     4    9   −5     7
 8  AC Pantsdon Shandy             5    0   3   2     1    5   −4     6
 9  Random Penguins XI             6    0   2   4     5   12   −7     4

Week 11 saw the Xat'i begin their Associations Trophy campaign with a draw against Hiyashi Celestia. It was an evenly matched contest where shared spoils were likely the fairest outcome which, in a way, was a good result for the Xat'i. On paper, the team from Saint Eleanor were the stronger and there's a good chance that they'd view this as a missed opportunity to hit the Associations Trophy group stage running.
On the subject of draws, once again the penguins managed to defy the odds in failing to lose against the Hoo. It's true that luck was very much on their side as it was a pass from Dirk Coburn back to the keeper that struck a divot on the pitch causing the ball to bobble past Zlatana Nykwyst's boot and into the Farslum goal thus levelling the scores in the dying minutes of the match. The fact that they failed to extend the lead beyond Cassandra Brooks-Weaver's first half goal will certainly give them pause for thought going forward though.
The Ossies managed to eventually find some form in their match at Erroropolis with a comprehensive victory that saw them at least make inroads into catching the fast escaping top three teams. Oldetoun looked a little pallid in their game again the Vidders, the lack of Anja Bortland seeming to leave their attack somewhat toothless though her replacement, Erik Klaerre did manage to claim the only goal of the game to allow Toun to scrape another victory and keep pace with the front runners. Despite playing a rotated squad, the Xat'i eased to a modest victory against the Reds to continue to set the pace in the title race.

WEEK 12

Associations Trophy - Group Stage, MD2

Cyrene Bay (Oberour Ar Moro) 0-3 Xat'i Paradystopi
T'ut'sii - 33' - (0-1)
Rsheu - 42' - (0-2)
Jim - 61' - (0-3)

- First Phase - Matchday 7

AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens 6–0 AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja
Zigismundis (p.) - 28' - (1-0)
Njawrao - 43' - (2-0)
Lugga - 55' - (3-0)
Lugga - 61' - (4-0)
Lugga (p.) - 70' - (5-0)
Wriggler - 90'+5 - (6-0)

AC Pantsdon Shandy 2–1 Erroropolis SC
Scamperer - 78' - (0-1)
Blade - 82' - (1-1)
Hook (p.) - 90'+1 - (2-1)

Farslum Hoo SC 1–3 Xat'i Paradystopi
Rhiagr - 10' - (0-1)
Rhiagr - 42' - (0-2)
Rsheu - 47' - (0-3)
Quartermeister - 87' - (1-3)

New Newetoun Saltquarry SC 3–0 Random Penguins XI
Dingle - 19' - (1-0)
Gallen-Franck - 33' - (2-0)
Soks - 52' - (3-0)

.      FLoP9                        Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts. 
 1  Xat'i Paradystopi              6    5   1   0    20    5  +15    27
 2  New Newetoun Saltquarry SC     6    4   2   0    13    1  +12    24
 3  SC Oldetoun New Newetoun       6    4   1   1    10    3   +7    22
 4  AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens    7    3   2   2    15   11   +4    19
 5  AC Pantsdon Shandy             6    1   3   2     3    6   −3    11
 6  Erroropolis SC                 6    2   0   4    11   17   −6    10
 7  Farslum Hoo SC                 6    1   2   3     5   13   −8     9
 8  AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja    6    1   1   4     4   15  −11     7
 9  Random Penguins XI             7    0   2   5     5   15  −10     4

It seemed that by now, the Xat'i had found their feet (paws?) in international competition and they produced a dominant performance against Cyrene Bay that had fans suddenly believing that there was a chance that they could potentially go far into this competition. Rsheu ran rings around their defense, setting up T'ut'sii for the first goal before scoring his own less than ten minutes later. When, in the second half, Jim nodded in a corner at the near post to make it 3-0, the team from Oberour Ar Moro looked dead in the water and the Xat'i had a precious away win.
In the league, the big talking point was the battle for the east; the Urbsclavium derby. Many expected a close, albeit high scoring game between two attack-minded units. Few, if any, people expected the Ossies to run away with it like they did. Urbsclavoszydensanorjens brought forward the momentum from their drubbing of Erroropolis and this, in combination with an added drive to claim local bragging rights saw them not only grasp the metaphorical bull by the horns, but also by it's throat, and probably testicles too. Whilst the Vidders resisted well in the initial throes of the game, it was a contentious hand-ball called against Janika van der Stedd that gave the Ossies a penalty which Delta Zigismundis made no mistake of hammering into the roof of the net. When Njawrao got his head on an awkward low cross to put it, almost disrespectfully, through the legs of the Otters' keeper, the floodgates were ready to burst and the half-time whistle was a very welcome sound for a beleaguered Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja team. Sadly for them, Urbsclavoszydensanorjens came out after the break ready to bury the game, and bury the game they did, assuming you would consider firing something straight down, deep into a mineshaft with a very large cannon, a burial. Leonard Lugga proved impossible to deal with for the Vidders as he twice cut inside from the wide midfield to score near identical goals. On the third time, he was brought down on the edge of the area by a desperate Dart Longpaw, and when the officials adjudged it to have been in the area, he made his hat-trick from the spot and put up the Ossies fifth. Substitute Fidgit Wriggler added a last insult in the final seconds but the game had been over long before.
In the other games, the Shandy stole a victory against Erroropolis with a debatable last minute penalty, and the Xat'i and Saltquarry had comfortable wins against Farslum and the penguins respectively.

WEEK 13

Associations Trophy - Group Stage, MD3

Xat'i Paradystopi 2-2 Futsworth United (Saterun)
unknown - 48' - (0-1)
Olii - 73' - (1-1)
Rhisje - 80' - (2-1)
unknown - 83' - (2-2)

- Preliminary Round - Second leg

SC Oldetoun New Newetoun 4–1 Erroropolis SC (6-1 agg.)
Skibbles - 4' - (0-1)
Toutain - 39' - (1-1)
Sosjian - 49' - (2-1)
Sosjian - 67' - (3-1)
Grey - 88' - (4-1)

The Xat'i continued their unbeaten run in the Associations Trophy though will likely rue letting Futsworth United snatch a draw back with some complacent defending moments after Rhisje had given them the lead. Either way, they sit in a strong position at the halfway point in the group stage and will have half-an-eye on potential match-ups in the knockout rounds. Assuming they don't manage to throw it all away in the second half of the group fixtures.
In the Rondeau, Oldetoun managed to dispatch the Ro-ros despite an early scare when an early cross from Jack Skibbles managed to miss everybody in the box yet ricochet into the net off the far post. Alceste Toutain got her second goal of the campaign with a clever short corner move that saw her find enough space to place a shot from a narrow angle into the roof of the net. Sosjian secured the result in the second half. Firstly, with a wonderful solo move which culminated in a clever lob over Filthy, and secondly, by getting on to the end of a well-placed cross from Bernie Minglor. Sky Grey sealed the victory with a speculative shot which took a lucky deflection off of Marija Zaljeva to wrongfoot the Erroropolis keeper.

WEEK 14
- No Matches

WEEK 15

- Group Stage, MD1

1899 Szbedansk (Kanzlia) 1-1 Xat'i Paradystopi
unknown - 68' - (1-0)
Rsheu - 74' - (1-1)

SC Oldetoun New Newetoun 2-5 Fajar Victoria (Doubeia)
unknown - 22' - (0-1)
Borgen - 45'+1 - (1-1)
Minglor - 56' - (2-1)
unknown - 62' - (2-2)
unknown - 65' - (2-3)
unknown - 78' - (2-4)
unknown - 90'+2 - (2-5)

- First Phase - Matchday 8

Xat'i Paradystopi 0–0 New Newetoun Saltquarry SC

Erroropolis SC 1–3 Farslum Hoo SC
Anastasyasdottyr - 12' - (1-0)
Rickles - 49' - (1-1)
Fisher - 53' - (1-2)
Brun - 88' - (1-3)

AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja 1–0 AC Pantsdon Shandy
H.Wobblebottom - 90' - (1-0)

SC Oldetoun New Newetoun 1–0 AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens
Borgen - 33' - (1-0)

.      FLoP9                        Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts.
 1  Xat'i Paradystopi              7    5   2   0    20    5  +15    29
 2  SC Oldetoun New Newetoun       7    5   1   1    11    3   +8    27
 3  New Newetoun Saltquarry SC     7    4   3   0    13    1  +12    26
 4  AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens    8    3   2   3    15   12   +3    19
 5  Farslum Hoo SC                 7    2   2   3     8   14   −6    14
 6  AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja    7    2   1   4     5   15  −10    12
 7  AC Pantsdon Shandy             7    1   3   3     3    7   −4    11
 8  Erroropolis SC                 7    2   0   5    12   20   −8    10
 9  Random Penguins XI             7    0   2   5     5   15  −10     4

Week 15 saw the start of the Campionato Esportivano di Campeones and whilst the Xat'i managed to earn themselves a somewhat unexpected draw against a strong Kanzlian unit, Oldetoun did not share their fortunes. Although they managed to take a lead early in the second half through Bernie Minglor cutting inside from the wing and rocketing a low shot into the bottom corner from outside the area, the Doubeian squad fought back hard and Oldetoun rather uncharacteristically crumbled.
In the league, the two currently undefeated teams faced off in what was tipped to be the match of the week. However, this eagerly anticipated fixture turned out to be an abysmally dull affair with the Xat'i resting several of their more dangerous attacking options due to their own congested fixture list and the Salts looking more to maintaining defensive stability than playing attacking football. The one positive for fans of both teams is that both squads still hold on to their undefeated status in the league.
In other games, a stellar second half from Farslum saw them pile further anguish on a struggling Erroropolis and themselves move up to fifth in the league. Oldetoun produced a solid defensive performance to put an end to the Ossies recent goal glut as well as further extend the gap between the top three teams and the rest of the league. The Otters managed to steal a last-minute victory from Pantsdon in another uninspiring match this week, though the Reds did insist that Hooktooth Wobblebottom was in an offside position despite video replays showing evidence to the contrary. (Their argument revolving around the fact that one or two of the Pteron striker’s whiskers were in an offside position. The Paradystopi Association of Football does not consider whiskers to constitute part of a player's head in the case of Xat'i or Pteron players in much the same way that a player's arms are not considered in the case of human players.)

WEEK 16

Associations Trophy - Group Stage, MD4

Hiyashi Celestia (Saint Eleanor) 1-1 Xat'i Paradystopi
unknown - 13' - (1-0)
Rhisje - 78' - (1-1)

- Group Stage, MD2

Xat'i Paradystopi 3-1 Berkkerk Spartacus (Esportivan Darmen)
unknown - 37' - (0-1)
Rsheu - 43' - (1-1)
Rsheu - 65' - (2-1)
Rsheu - 72' - (3-1)

Pwllheli (Kamijiro) 4-1 SC Oldetoun New Newetoun
unknown - 20' - (1-0)
unknown - 28' - (2-0)
unknown - 64' - (3-0)
Stonks - 88' - (3-1)
unknown - 90'+2 - (4-1)

- First Phase - Matchday 9

AC Pantsdon Shandy 0–1 SC Oldetoun New Newetoun
Stone - 43' - (0-1)

Farslum Hoo SC 0–6 AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja
Tippytapper - 2' - (0-1)
Crabbe - 5' - (0-2)
Nasilnyka - 19' - (0-3)
Crabbe - 38' - (0-4)
Crabbe - 56' - (0-5)
C.Longpaw - 79' - (0-6)

New Newetoun Saltquarry SC 4–4 Erroropolis SC
Slaptail - 6' - (0-1)
I.Schlippe - 17' - (1-1)
Soks - 30' - (2-1)
Suarez - 44' - (3-1)
Orahn - 48' - (3-2)
Slaptail - 53' - (3-3)
S.Smith - 88' - (4-3)
Jangletrousers - 90'+4 - (4-4)

Random Penguins XI 0–2 Xat'i Paradystopi
Rhisje - 52' - (0-1)
Hlosgho - 77' - (0-2)

The week in which we reach the halfway point of the first phase of the FLoP9 was a brutal one with the Xat'i having to negotiate the headache of having three scheduled matches and Oldetoun having to travel to Kamijiro before returning to face local rivals Pantsdon Shandy.
Rhisje managed to salvage some points from the away fixture in Saint Eleanor in the Associations Trophy with their late goal against the run of play being enough to once again finish level with Hiyashi Celestia. This conversion of an out-of-the-blue counterattack maintaining their unexpected undefeated status in the competition thus far.
The Xat'i's impressive run in international competitions continued in their Campionato Esportivano di Campeones' match against Berkkerk Spartacus with an impressive display, and deserved hat-trick from Rsheu secured all ~~five~~ three(?) points. The same could not be said of Oldetoun who were soundly beaten by the much superior Kamijiroan squad; Pwul...? Pool...? Puekh ...? a team we shall henceforth refer to as 'Paulie'.
In the league, it was Saltquarry and the Errors who put on a show for the neutrals, though Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja's demolition of Farslum would definitely be a close second in that category also. After coming back from Honksalot Slaptail's early opener, twice did Saltquarry squander the lead to an Erroropolis team who refused to accept defeat. When Jimmy Jangletrousers scrambled in his goal with practically the last kick of the match, it was a ruthless lesson for the Salties who will see this fixture as points dropped. Erroropolis however, will see this as a turn in fortunes after a string of unimpressive defeats. As for the Vidders, it takes an impressive performance to silence the Hoohus and that was exactly what they managed. Attacking from the off, the Hoo had little in response and quickly succumbed to a three goal deficit before they were twenty minutes in. Heads dropped, and the unrelenting Otters capitalised to inflict the same manner of six goal defeat that they had had inflicted upon them by their rivals barely a month prior.
In other games, whilst putting on a determined performance, the Reds of Pantsdon failed to conquer Oldetoun who claimed another single goal victory and extend their gap over their other rivals; Saltquarry. The Xat'i effectively played a second eleven against the penguins and took a victory which never looked in any doubt.

.      FLoP9                        Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts.
 1  Xat'i Paradystopi              8    6   2   0    22    5  +17    34
 2  SC Oldetoun New Newetoun       8    6   1   1    12    3   +9    32
 3  New Newetoun Saltquarry SC     8    4   4   0    17    5  +12    28
 4  AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens    8    3   2   3    15   12   +3    19
 5  AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja    8    3   1   4    11   15   −4    17
 6  Farslum Hoo SC                 8    2   2   4     8   20  −12    14
 7  Erroropolis SC                 8    2   1   5    16   24   −8    12
 8  AC Pantsdon Shandy             8    1   3   4     3    8   −5    11
 9  Random Penguins XI             8    0   2   6     5   17  −12     4

As we stand, now halfway through the first phase of the league, the top three are going to take some catching with Xat'i Paradystopi and New Newetoun Saltquarry both still undefeated. In the middle three, despite their recent defeat, it's Farslum Hoo who could be in with a chance to compete for a spot in next season's Challengers Cup if they can clinge on to their current position. Erroropolis will be unhappy at their current placement in the bottom three and will be hoping to claw themselves away from the lower end of the table. That said, they have already suffered losses against both Farslum and Pantsdon, and unless they can change that in the second half of this phase, there's little hope for them to climb any higher.

Additional links:
Goal Scorer and Clean Sheet Stats

by **Paradystopia** » Wed Jul 30, 2025 1:52 am

WEEK 17

Associations Trophy - Group Stage, MD5

Xat'i Paradystopi 2-0 Cyrene Bay (Oberour Ar Moro)
Wakkis - 51' - (1-0)
Wakkis - 67' - (2-0)

- Group Stage, MD3

SC Surabaya 1927 (Kaumann) 0-3 Xat'i Paradystopi
Rsheu - 10' - (0-1)
Olii - 14' - (0-2)
Qut'ii - 82' - (0-3)

SC Oldetoun New Newetoun 5-3 Airbus Fhulghamous Besanza (Fhulghamous Peninsula)
Sosjian - 25' - (1-0)
Borgen - 29' - (2-0)
unknown - 41' - (2-1)
unknown - 53' - (2-2)
Sosjian - 58' - (3-2)
Harbormeisterson - 66' - (4-2)
unknown - 87' - (4-3)
Marysdottyr - 90'+3 - (5-3)

Into the seventeenth week of the season and a great week for the league's front runners internationally. On top of a comfortable win over Cyrene Bay, the Xat'i manage to exact ruthless revenge upon SC Surabaya 1927 in the CEdC after the latter brought Xat'i Paradystopi's Champions League 'run' to an abrupt end earlier in the season. Rsheu and Olii grabbed two early goals and the match was quickly taken out of the hands of the Kaumanner team. A late goal from substitute Qut'ii providing the icing on the proverbial cake in a confident performance.
Oldetoun also finally managed to gain some success internationally with a chaotic victory over Airbus Fhulghamous Besanza. Whilst they only surrendered the lead for five minutes in the second half after first claiming it in the twenty-fifth minute, they met strong resistance from the team from the Peninsula and questions will be asked as to how a team that are usually defensively solid managed to concede three goals. Toun will happily take their first win in the Campionato though, and will look to build on it in an attempt to salvage something from their shaky start in the competition.

WEEK 18

Associations Trophy - Group Stage, MD6

Futsworth United (Saterun) 1-2 Xat'i Paradystopi
unknown - 39' - (1-0)
Rhiagr - 68' - (1-1)
Hleqrru - 74' - (1-2)
#  GROUP F                                    P  W  D  L  GF  GA  GD  Pts 
1  Xat'i Paradystopi                    PDT   6  3  3  0  11   5   6   12   Q - Round of 32. 
2  Hiyashi Celestia                     EXT   6  3  2  1  11   8   3   11
3  Futsworth United                     SAT   6  3  1  2  12   9   3   10
4  Cyrene Bay                           OAM   6  0  0  6   3  15 -12    0
- Group Stage, MD4

Xat'i Paradystopi 2-3 1899 Szbedansk (Kanzlia)
Rsheu - 21' - (1-0)
unknown - 49' - (1-1)
unknown - 79' - (1-2)
Jankhukh - 84' - (2-2)
unknown - 90' - (2-3)

Fajar Victoria (Doubleia) 3-0 SC Oldetoun New Newetoun
unknown - 79' - (1-0)
unknown (p.) - 83' - (2-0)
unknown - 90'+1 - (3-0)

- First Phase - Matchday 10

Random Penguins XI 0–2 Erroropolis SC
Message - 68' - (0-1)
Filthy - 90'+1 - (0-2)

New Newetoun Saltquarry SC 2–1 AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja
Soks - 42' - (1-0)
Soks - 57' - (2-0)
Igorić - 84' - (2-1)

Farslum Hoo SC 0–2 SC Oldetoun New Newetoun
Sosjian - 22' - (0-1)
Bortland (p.) - 45'+1 - (0-2)

AC Pantsdon Shandy 0–2 AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens
Zigismundis - 68' - (0-1)
Smythe-Smith (o.g.) - 79' - (0-2)

.      FLoP9                        Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts. 
 1  SC Oldetoun New Newetoun       9    7   1   1    14    3  +11    37
 2  Xat'i Paradystopi              8    6   2   0    22    5  +17    34
 3  New Newetoun Saltquarry SC     9    5   4   0    19    6  +13    33
 4  AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens    9    4   2   3    17   12   +5    24
 5  AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja    9    3   1   5    12   17   −5    17
 6  Erroropolis SC                 9    3   1   5    18   24   −6    17
 7  Farslum Hoo SC                 9    2   2   5     8   22  −14    14
 8  AC Pantsdon Shandy             9    1   3   5     3   10   −7    11
 9  Random Penguins XI             9    0   2   7     5   19  −14     4

There were huge celebrations in the New Newetoun suburb of Heer this week as the Xat'i, with a maybe-partially-deserved comeback win over Saterunian team Futsworth United, somehow managed to top their group in the Associations Trophy. This guaranteed them a place in the knock-out rounds on their first attempt and led to much singing and revelry amongst Xat'i supporters in the Paradystopi capital. Although catnip and catmint sales did see a pronounced increase following the Xat'i success, many locals are secretly hoping this run can come to a swift end so as not to see a repeat of what many are calling 'The Night of Violent Shrieking'. Sadly for the Xat'i, they could not carry over their success into the CEdC, succumbing in the final minute against Kanzlian powerhouse; 1899 Szbedansk. Given the amount of Xat'i recreational substances still doing the rounds, this gave way to 'The Night of Mournful Shrieking' and also saw an upswing in sales of high-powered water pistols as locals resorted to their own methods to disperse inebriated Xat'i fans. In other international matches, Oldetoun suffered a bitter defeat to Fajar Victoria, crumbling in the final ten minutes to give the Doubleian team a result that was an unfair reflection on how the match had actually transpired. Football is, however, a results business and Oldetoun simply failed to convert their chances.
In the FLoP9, Erroropolis looked dangerously close to failing to beat the penguins after they were nullified throughout the first half. It took until nearly the seventieth minute for Error to finally hammer home a shot from close range and break the deadlock. The curious decision to bring their keeper up for a corner late on in the match also paid dividends as the unmarked baboon managed to get his head (possibly more accurate to say his face) to the ball and send the ball in off the post. The other matches saw relatively cut-and-dry victories for the two New Newetoun squads and Urbsclavoszydensanorjens. The top three continuing to pull away from the pack and the Ossies hoping evermore for some good fortune if they're to make it into the top partition.

WEEK 19

- Group Stage, MD5

Berkkerk Spartacus (Esportivan Darmen) 5-1 Xat'i Paradystopi
unknown - 3' - (1-0)
unknown - 8' - (2-0)
unknown - 21' - (3-0)
Hlosgho - 52' - (3-1)
unknown - 69' - (4-1)
unknown - 85' - (5-1)

SC Oldetoun New Newetoun 2-2 Pwllheli (Kamijiro)
unknown (p.) - 72' - (0-1)
Stone - 78' - (1-1)
unknown - 83' - (1-2)
Borgen (p.) - 88' - (2-2)

- First Phase - Matchday 11

AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens 0–0 Farslum Hoo SC

SC Oldetoun New Newetoun 1–0 New Newetoun Saltquarry SC
Bortland (p.) - 73' - (1-0)

AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja 2–2 Random Penguins XI
Steve - 19' - (0-1)
Tippytapper - 33' - (1-1)
Tippytapper - 45'+2 - (2-1)
Ethel - 88' - (2-2)

Erroropolis SC 0–1 Xat'i Paradystopi
Jim - 90' - (0-1)

.      FLoP9                        Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts. 
 1  SC Oldetoun New Newetoun      10    8   1   1    15    3  +12    42
 2  Xat'i Paradystopi              9    7   2   0    23    5  +18    39
 3  New Newetoun Saltquarry SC    10    5   4   1    19    7  +12    33
 4  AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens   10    4   3   3    17   12   +5    26
 5  AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja   10    3   2   5    14   19   −5    19
 6  Erroropolis SC                10    3   1   6    18   25   −7    17
 7  Farslum Hoo SC                10    2   3   5     8   22  −14    16
 8  AC Pantsdon Shandy             9    1   3   5     3   10   −7    11
 9  Random Penguins XI            10    0   3   7     7   21  −14     6

Deer Pardystopi Records & Arkiving Teem,

We, the Xat'i ~~spup~~ supporters' club, ask politly that yu refrain from menshoning Xat'i Paradystopi this weak. It has bean a bad weak and we ar all very hungovered and we want to preten we wasn't thrasheded in ~~Campy~~ ~~Camepon~~ CEdC and struggle to beet ~~eorr~~ errorrorpilos. We dont fink we ~~culd~~ can handle it.

Yurs Sinsirely

The Xat'i Supporters' Club.

In the CEdC this week, the Xat'i were absolutely and utterly demolished by the team from Esportivan Darmen in a truly abysmal showing of inept football and were it not for Jim managing to salvage a last minute victory against Erroropolis, the world would have witnessed what a truly diabolically awful squad the Xat'i possess. The fact that the P.R.A.T. editor-in-chief lives in a neighbouring suburb to the Xat'i communities of Heer is inconsequential in these statements. Likewise the time he spent last week clearing copious piles of cat-shit from his prize-winning rose bushes and well-maintained garden in general in the aftermath of 'The Night of Violent Shrieking'. In other matches, a flurry of goals late on saw spoils shared in an enthralling CEdC contest betwixt Oldetoun and 'Paulie'. This does however, give Toun an outside chance of making the knockouts as a best 3^rd place finisher if they can claim a win in their final match. Given that this match will be against the only team they've managed to beat in the competition thus far, the squad are quietly confident in their chances.
In the final league game before the winter break, Saltquarry finally lost their undefeated record win a loss to their local rivals. A tentative match from both teams which played like a nervy game of chess. It took until the 73^rd minute before Sebastian Borgen broke through the defence but was brought down by Beren Doggle. Initially it was thought to be on the edge of the area but, on the advice of the assistant referee, was upgraded to a penalty. Anja Bortland made no mistake in slotting the ball into the bottom corner and Oldetoun hung on for the victory.
This would've been the chance that Urbsclavoszydensanorjens had been waiting for, but they failed to capitalise as they were held admirably by a tenacious Farslum team who even managed to surprise themselves with holding on to the draw by the end of the match. Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja also had a week to forget as they too could only claim a draw against a penguin team who, despite being yet to claim a win in the league, are proving themselves to not be mere pushovers. There are already rumours that there are teams looking to open talks with Scratch Lobsterbane as a potential manager candidate for the next season given what he has managed to achieve with the very little he has had available to him.

WEEK 20

- Group Stage, MD6

Xat'i Paradystopi 1-0 SC Surabaya 1927 (Kaumann)
Jankhukh - 79' - (1-0)

P GROUP 5                          Pld   W  D  L   GF  GA  GD  Pts.
1 1899 Szbedansk (KNZ)               6   4  1  1   13   9  +4   13
2 Berkkerk Spartacus (ESD)           6   3  1  2   16  14  +2   10
3 Xat'i Paradystopi (PDT)            6   3  1  2   11  10  +1   10   Q - Round of 16 (as a best 3^rd place finisher).
4 SC Surabaya 1927 (KAU)             6   0  1  5    5  12  −7    1

Airbus Fhulghamous Besanza (Fhulghamous Peninsula) 0-3 SC Oldetoun New Newetoun
Minglor - 58' - (0-1)
Grey - 89' - (0-2)
Grey - 90'+5 - (0-3)

P GROUP 6                          Pld   W  D  L   GF  GA  GD  Pts.
1 Fajar Victoria (DOU)               6   5  1  0   15   2 +13   16
2 Pwllheli (KMJ)                     6   2  2  2    8  10  −2    8
3 SC Oldetoun New Newetoun (PDT)     6   2  1  3   13  17  -4    7   Q - Round of 16 (as a best 3^rd place finisher).
4 Airbus Fhulghamous Besanza (FHU)   6   1  0  5    6  13  -7    3

With both the Xat'i and Oldetoun claiming wins in their final CEdC group games, both manage to scrape through into the knock-outs. The Xat'i, still somewhat reeling a little from their previous week, were thankful for Jankhukh proving himself a super-sub with a wonderful solo effort that gave them their vital victory against the Kaumanner team. Though it took Oldetoun a little while to get going, it was the Deltic youngster, Bernie Minglor who gave them the breakthrough with a speculative long shot which took a lucky deflection before arching over the keeper into the net. Sky Grey came on for the final five minutes with fire in their belly apparently as they snatched a brace in the dying minutes providing just enough to see Oldetoun join the Xat'i in the round of 16.

WEEKS 21-24
- No Matches (Winter Break)

INTERNAL MEMO
Subject: re:re:Scheduling discrepancies

I am following up my earlier query regarding the league scheduling to reassert that the schedules do not add up. For one, I am interested in how you justify the fact that to reach the halfway point of the first phase of the league took 9 fixtures, whereas each team had individually only played 8 matches. I implore you to cut short the winter break to at least make a dent in the five weeks we are currently lacking in the schedule.

RSVP ASAP
INTERNAL MEMO
Subject: AUTOREPLY <re:re:Scheduling discrepancies>

This is an automated reply as the person you are trying to reach is currently out of their office.

Please be assured that your inquiry will be answered promptly upon their return.

Additional Custom Comments:
If you're asking about the bloody schedule, piss off and let me enjoy my damn holiday.

Additional links:
Goal Scorer and Clean Sheet Stats

by **Paradystopia** » Tue Aug 05, 2025 10:55 am

SEASON 1

Basketball? In Paradystopia?

Surprisingly enough, it is a thing.

Not exactly a big thing, or a particularly well followed thing, but a thing nonetheless.

You're probably wondering to yourself who plays basketball in Paradystopia? Maybe there's some hidden gems of players just waiting to burst onto the international stage, ready to rise to levels of multiversal stardom? Hitherto undiscovered squads of well-drilled players chomping at the bit to get their team's name etched in the annals of basketball history?

Yeah?

Well, in a word, no.

Basketball is very much a niche sport on Paradystopi shores. There's a small sect of otter folk (Pterons) who take it seriously, some squads from some independent northern isles who seem to have been coerced into playing, and a smattering of humans who just see it as a bit of fun. These groups existed in three more-or-less separate conferences, but now, they're being united into one league with national bragging rights, and IUBC qualification at stake.

Anyway, now would seem as good a time as any to introduce the teams involved.

Firstly, we have

The Otter League
Northern Sea-Pteron Wobbegongs
Southern Sea-Pteron Lionfish
New Newetoun Pteron Knights
Urbsclavium Pteron Berzerkers

Then secondly,

The Paradystopi Conference
The Capital Ballers
Farslum Hooers
West Erroropolis Blues
East Erroropolis Oranges

And thirdly,

The Supreme Dragonlord Conference
Pteronis Qyzzyxzyozi
Qyzzyxzyan Plebs Fidelis
Qyzzyyxzyan Peons
Eastern Sea-Pteron Jellyfish
Note: The first three teams in this group are all affiliated to the Qyzzyxzyan Draconic Territories whereas the Eastern Sea-Pteron Jellyfish, despite occupying the waters around these lands consider themselves Paradystopi.

Now, of these teams, those of the Otter league are the most technically proficient. The issue is, is that Pterons generally average a height of about 4 foot when they stand on their back paws, which is a bit disadvantageous for a basketball player. Thusly, the league is a little more balanced than it would be, were the Pterons not so short. Nevertheless, they are skillful dribblers and what they lack in height, they make up for with an ability to create the necessary space they invariably need to shoot efficiently against taller opposition.

Ok, so we have three separate leagues. How does the Paradystopi Archipelagic Basketball Championships work?

To begin with, each team plays every other team in their conference twice, home and away.

. The Otter League               Pld   W  L   PF  PA  PD  Pts 
1 Urbsclavium Pteron Berzerkers    6   5  1  474 429 +45    5
2 Northern Sea-Pteron Wobbegongs   6   3  3  448 438 +10    3
3 Southern Sea-Pteron Lionfish     6   3  3  431 447 −16    3
4 New Newetoun Pteron Knights      6   1  5  443 482 −39    1

. The Paradystopi Conference     Pld   W  L   PF  PA  PD  Pts 
1 The Capital Ballers              6   5  1  507 403 +104   5
2 East Erroropolis Oranges         6   3  3  461 455  +6    3
3 Farslum Hooers                   6   2  4  431 472 −41    2
4 West Erroropolis Blues           6   2  4  433 502 −69    2

. The Supreme Dragonlord Conference Pld   W  L   PF  PA  PD  Pts 
1 Eastern Sea-Pteron Jellyfish        6   4  2  434 388 +46    4
2 Pteronis Qyzzyxzyozi                6   4  2  439 412 +27    4
3 Qyzzyyxzyan Peons                   6   3  3  426 441 −15    3
4 Qyzzyxzyan Plebs Fidelis            6   1  5  427 485 −58    1

.  PABC Overall                    Pld    W   L    PF   PA   PD   Pts 
 1 The Capital Ballers               6    5   1   507  403 +104     5
 2 Urbsclavium Pteron Berzerkers     6    5   1   474  429  +45     5
 3 Eastern Sea-Pteron Jellyfish      6    4   2   434  388  +46     4
 4 Pteronis Qyzzyxzyozi              6    4   2   439  412  +27     4
 5 Northern Sea-Pteron Wobbegongs    6    3   3   448  438  +10     3
 6 East Erroropolis Oranges          6    3   3   461  455   +6     3
 7 Qyzzyyxzyan Peons                 6    3   3   426  441  −15     3
 8 Southern Sea-Pteron Lionfish      6    3   3   431  447  −16     3
 9 Farslum Hooers                    6    2   4   431  472  −41     2
10 West Erroropolis Blues            6    2   4   433  502  −69     2
11 New Newetoun Pteron Knights       6    1   5   443  482  −39     1
12 Qyzzyxzyan Plebs Fidelis          6    1   5   427  485  −58     1

Then, each team plays every other team (including conference rivals whom they have already played) twice. Again, home and away.

. The Otter League                Pld    W   L    PF   PA   PD   Pts 
1 Urbsclavium Pteron Berzerkers    28   18  10  2214 2112 +102    18
2 Northern Sea-Pteron Wobbegongs   28   17  11  2174 2048 +126    17
3 Southern Sea-Pteron Lionfish     28   13  15  2091 2113  −22    13
4 New Newetoun Pteron Knights      28   12  16  2088 2126  −38    12

. The Paradystopi Conference      Pld    W   L    PF   PA   PD   Pts 
1 The Capital Ballers              28   16  12  2148 2069  +79    16
2 West Erroropolis Blues           28   14  14  2109 2116   −7    14
3 East Erroropolis Oranges         28   14  14  2051 2066  −15    14
4 Farslum Hooers                   28   11  17  2098 2209 −111    11

. The Supreme Dragonlord Conference Pld    W   L    PF   PA   PD   Pts 
1 Eastern Sea-Pteron Jellyfish       28   18  10  2063 1962 +101    18
2 Pteronis Qyzzyxzyozi               28   18  10  2097 2058  +39    18
3 Qyzzyxzyan Plebs Fidelis           28   11  17  2048 2175 −127    11
4 Qyzzyyxzyan Peons                  28    6  22  2032 2159 −127     6

.  PABC Overall                    Pld    W   L    PF   PA   PD   Pts 
 1 Urbsclavium Pteron Berzerkers    28   18  10  2214 2112 +102    18
 2 Eastern Sea-Pteron Jellyfish     28   18  10  2063 1962 +101    18
 3 Pteronis Qyzzyxzyozi             28   18  10  2097 2058  +39    18
 4 Northern Sea-Pteron Wobbegongs   28   17  11  2174 2048 +126    17
 5 The Capital Ballers              28   16  12  2148 2069  +79    16
 6 West Erroropolis Blues           28   14  14  2109 2116   −7    14
 7 East Erroropolis Oranges         28   14  14  2051 2066  −15    14
 8 Southern Sea-Pteron Lionfish     28   13  15  2091 2113  −22    13
 9 New Newetoun Pteron Knights      28   12  16  2088 2126  −38    12
10 Farslum Hooers                   28   11  17  2098 2209 −111    11
11 Qyzzyxzyan Plebs Fidelis         28   11  17  2048 2175 −127    11
12 Qyzzyyxzyan Peons                28    6  22  2032 2159 −127     6

At this point, the teams play a further neutral ground match against each other team in their conference to decide the final standings heading into the Championship round. Five teams will head into the Championship round, the three conference winners and the two best overall teams not already qualified.

The Otter League
Urbsclavium Pteron Berzerkers 73–62 New Newetoun Pteron Knights
Northern Sea-Pteron Wobbegongs 73–69 Southern Sea-Pteron Lionfish
New Newetoun Pteron Knights 63–90 Southern Sea-Pteron Lionfish
Urbsclavium Pteron Berzerkers 62–67 Northern Sea-Pteron Wobbegongs
Northern Sea-Pteron Wobbegongs 73–62 New Newetoun Pteron Knights
Southern Sea-Pteron Lionfish 66–95 Urbsclavium Pteron Berzerkers
. The Otter League                Pld    W   L    PF   PA   PD   Pts 
1 Northern Sea-Pteron Wobbegongs   31   20  11  2387 2241 +146    20   Q - Conference Winner
2 Urbsclavium Pteron Berzerkers    31   20  11  2444 2307 +137    20   Q - Best Overall Qualifier
3 Southern Sea-Pteron Lionfish     31   14  17  2316 2344  −28    14
4 New Newetoun Pteron Knights      31   12  19  2275 2362  −87    12

The Paradystopi Conference
Farslum Hooers 61–78 The Capital Ballers
West Erroropolis Blues 65–97 East Erroropolis Oranges
The Capital Ballers 76–60 East Erroropolis Oranges
Farslum Hooers 72–95 West Erroropolis Blues
West Erroropolis Blues 73–79 The Capital Ballers
East Erroropolis Oranges 79–79 Farslum Hooers (95–94 OT)
. The Paradystopi Conference      Pld    W   L    PF   PA   PD   Pts 
1 The Capital Ballers              31   19  12  2381 2263 +118    19   Q - Conference Winner
2 East Erroropolis Oranges         31   16  15  2303 2301   +2    16
3 West Erroropolis Blues           31   15  16  2342 2364  −22    15
4 Farslum Hooers                   31   11  20  2325 2477 −152    11

The Supreme Dragonlord Conference
Pteronis Qyzzyxzyozi 74–75 Qyzzyyxzyan Peons
Eastern Sea-Pteron Jellyfish 83–83 Qyzzyxzyan Plebs Fidelis (90–96 OT)
Qyzzyyxzyan Peons 62–71 Qyzzyxzyan Plebs Fidelis
Pteronis Qyzzyxzyozi 74–77 Eastern Sea-Pteron Jellyfish
Eastern Sea-Pteron Jellyfish 78–75 Qyzzyyxzyan Peons
Qyzzyxzyan Plebs Fidelis 81–85 Pteronis Qyzzyxzyozi
. The Supreme Dragonlord Conference Pld    W   L    PF   PA   PD   Pts 
1 Eastern Sea-Pteron Jellyfish     31   20  11  2308 2207 +101    20   Q - Conference Winner
2 Pteronis Qyzzyxzyozi             31   19  12  2330 2291  +39    19   Q - Best Overall Qualifier
3 Qyzzyxzyan Plebs Fidelis         31   13  18  2296 2412 −116    13
4 Qyzzyyxzyan Peons                31    7  24  2244 2382 −138     7

.  PABC Overall                    Pld    W   L    PF   PA   PD   Pts 
.1 Northern Sea-Pteron Wobbegongs   31   20  11  2387 2241 +146    20   Q - Conference Winner
.2 Urbsclavium Pteron Berzerkers    31   20  11  2444 2307 +137    20   Q - Best Overall Qualifier
.3 Eastern Sea-Pteron Jellyfish     31   20  11  2308 2207 +101    20   Q - Conference Winner
.4 The Capital Ballers              31   19  12  2381 2263 +118    19   Q - Conference Winner
.5 Pteronis Qyzzyxzyozi             31   19  12  2330 2291  +39    19   Q - Best Overall Qualifier
 6 East Erroropolis Oranges         31   16  15  2303 2301   +2    16
 7 West Erroropolis Blues           31   15  16  2342 2364  −22    15
 8 Southern Sea-Pteron Lionfish     31   14  17  2316 2344  −28    14
 9 Qyzzyxzyan Plebs Fidelis         31   13  18  2296 2412 −116    13
10 New Newetoun Pteron Knights      31   12  19  2275 2362  −87    12
11 Farslum Hooers                   31   11  20  2325 2477 −152    11
12 Qyzzyyxzyan Peons                31    7  24  2244 2382 −138     7

With things at the top of the table balancing precariously on a knife edge, the tension palpable and there no obvious stand-out claimant for the inaugural champion of the Paradystopi Archipelagic Basketball Championships, whatever could be the next phase?

Well, what happens now is that we throw the current standings out the window.

Yep, you heard right. Everything comes down to the Championship Round. Records are reset and the five qualifiers battle it out in one final league phase. Each team plays each other thrice. At home, away and at a neutral stadium.

Past victories count for nothing now.

PABC Championship Round

Neutral Stadium Round

Pteronis Qyzzyxzyozi 82–60 Northern Sea-Pteron Wobbegongs
Eastern Sea-Pteron Jellyfish 70–73 The Capital Ballers
Northern Sea-Pteron Wobbegongs 85–71 Eastern Sea-Pteron Jellyfish
Urbsclavium Pteron Berzerkers 64–78 Pteronis Qyzzyxzyozi
Eastern Sea-Pteron Jellyfish 68–72 Urbsclavium Pteron Berzerkers
The Capital Ballers 74–75 Northern Sea-Pteron Wobbegongs
Urbsclavium Pteron Berzerkers 96–95 The Capital Ballers
Pteronis Qyzzyxzyozi 63–55 Eastern Sea-Pteron Jellyfish
The Capital Ballers 83–101 Pteronis Qyzzyxzyozi
Northern Sea-Pteron Wobbegongs 80–76 Urbsclavium Pteron Berzerkers

Round 1 Standings

. PABC Championship Phase         Pld    W   L    PF   PA   PD   Pts 
1 Pteronis Qyzzyxzyozi              4    4   0   324  262  +62     4
2 Northern Sea-Pteron Wobbegongs    4    3   1   300  303   −3     3
3 Urbsclavium Pteron Berzerkers     4    2   2   308  321  −13     2
4 The Capital Ballers               4    1   3   325  342  −17     1
5 Eastern Sea-Pteron Jellyfish      4    0   4   264  293  −29     0

Home/Away Round 1

Northern Sea-Pteron Wobbegongs 66–59 Pteronis Qyzzyxzyozi
The Capital Ballers 67–84 Eastern Sea-Pteron Jellyfish
Eastern Sea-Pteron Jellyfish 70–84 Northern Sea-Pteron Wobbegongs
Pteronis Qyzzyxzyozi 81–69 Urbsclavium Pteron Berzerkers
Urbsclavium Pteron Berzerkers 88–68 Eastern Sea-Pteron Jellyfish
Northern Sea-Pteron Wobbegongs 87–75 The Capital Ballers
The Capital Ballers 79–60 Urbsclavium Pteron Berzerkers
Eastern Sea-Pteron Jellyfish 79–57 Pteronis Qyzzyxzyozi
Pteronis Qyzzyxzyozi 70–78 The Capital Ballers
Urbsclavium Pteron Berzerkers 69–82 Northern Sea-Pteron Wobbegongs

Round 2 Standings

. PABC Championship Phase         Pld    W   L    PF   PA   PD   Pts 
1 Northern Sea-Pteron Wobbegongs    8    7   1   619  576  +43     7
2 Pteronis Qyzzyxzyozi              8    5   3   591  554  +37     5
3 The Capital Ballers               8    3   5   624  643  −19     3
4 Urbsclavium Pteron Berzerkers     8    3   5   594  631  −37     3
5 Eastern Sea-Pteron Jellyfish      8    2   6   565  589  −24     2

Home/Away Round 2 - Final Round

Pteronis Qyzzyxzyozi 67–63 Northern Sea-Pteron Wobbegongs
Eastern Sea-Pteron Jellyfish 67–102 The Capital Ballers
Northern Sea-Pteron Wobbegongs 71–76 Eastern Sea-Pteron Jellyfish
Urbsclavium Pteron Berzerkers 62–62 Pteronis Qyzzyxzyozi (78–77 OT)
Eastern Sea-Pteron Jellyfish 60–80 Urbsclavium Pteron Berzerkers
The Capital Ballers 88–84 Northern Sea-Pteron Wobbegongs
Urbsclavium Pteron Berzerkers 95–83 The Capital Ballers
Pteronis Qyzzyxzyozi 91–81 Eastern Sea-Pteron Jellyfish
The Capital Ballers 72–75 Pteronis Qyzzyxzyozi
Northern Sea-Pteron Wobbegongs 61–63 Urbsclavium Pteron Berzerkers

Final Championship Standings

. PABC Championship Phase         Pld    W   L    PF   PA   PD   Pts 
1 Pteronis Qyzzyxzyozi             12    8   4   901  848  +53     8   PABC CHAMPION
2 Northern Sea-Pteron Wobbegongs   12    7   5   898  870  +28     7   PABC RUNNER-UP
3 Urbsclavium Pteron Berzerkers    12    7   5   910  912   −2     7   PABC THIRD PLACE
4 The Capital Ballers              12    5   7   969  964   +5     5
5 Eastern Sea-Pteron Jellyfish     12    3   9   849  933  −84     3

by **Paradystopia** » Sun Aug 10, 2025 7:53 am

WEEK 25

- First Phase - Matchday 12

Xat'i Paradystopi 1–3 AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja
Rsheu - 25' - (1-0)
Crabbe (p) - 32' - (1-1)
Manywhiskers - 84' - (1-2)
C.Longpaw - 90'+3 - (1-3)

Random Penguins XI 0–1 SC Oldetoun New Newetoun
Sosjian - 29' - (0-1)

New Newetoun Saltquarry SC 0–1 AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens
Gryszmeldasdottyr-Scwoggnorrys (p) - 62' - (0-1)

Farslum Hoo SC 0–1 AC Pantsdon Shandy
Hook - 80' - (0-1)

.      FLoP9                        Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts.
 1  SC Oldetoun New Newetoun      11    9   1   1    16    3  +13    47
 2  Xat'i Paradystopi             10    7   2   1    24    8  +16    39
 3  New Newetoun Saltquarry SC    11    5   4   2    19    8  +11    33
 4  AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens   11    5   3   3    18   12   +6    31
 5  AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja   11    4   2   5    17   20   −3    24
 6  Erroropolis SC                10    3   1   6    18   25   −7    17
 7  AC Pantsdon Shandy            10    2   3   5     4   10   −6    16
 8  Farslum Hoo SC                11    2   3   6     8   23  −15    16
 9  Random Penguins XI            11    0   3   8     7   22  −15     6

Everyone's currently wanting to know what training Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja were doing over the winter break as, in what is probably the upset of the season thus far, they managed to finally bring an end to the undefeated league run of the Xat'i. Despite Rsheu giving the Xat'i the lead early on with a beautiful headed goal, the Vidders kept pace and when Sjiu tackled Tippytapper awkwardly inside the area, Clansey Crabbe made no mistake from the spot. Most of the game was a tale of two Xat'i, that of Sjiu and Rhuxe with both keepers putting on excellent displays to keep the scorelines even. The match ebbed and flowed with no clear indication exactly who, if anyone, would emerge victorious but eventually the Otters broke through. Some skilful passing saw Crabbe set up Skwee Manywhiskers flick the ball home with an accurate tail-shot, just beyond the outstretched paw of Sjiu to stun the local crowd. The Xat'i rallied, throwing everything forward to try and claim an equaliser. In doing so, they left themselves open to a late counter-attack in which substitute Chomps Longpaw sealed the victory with an easy pass into the net following a two-on-one break. With Oldetoun scraping a victory against the penguins, they managed to extend their lead over the Xat'i but with the latter having a game in hand, they certainly can't afford to ease up anytime soon.
Urbsclavoszydensanorjens inflicted further damage upon Saltquarry's season, giving them their second loss in as many games. A questionable penalty was what separated the sides at full-time and the Salties will be hoping to get back to winning ways if they want to remain in the Top 3 come the end of the league's first phase. In the other match this week, Pantsdon shocked Farslum at home with a win that many would say was undeserved. Deserved or not, they all count at the end of the day.

WEEK 26

Associations Trophy - Round of 32, First Leg

Maynard AFC (Ko-oren) 4-1 Xat'i Paradystopi
unknown - 8' - (1-0)
unknown - 38' - (2-0)
unknown - 57' - (3-0)
Wakkis - 76' - (3-1)
unknown - 88' - (4-1)

- First Phase - Matchday 13

AC Pantsdon Shandy 0–1 New Newetoun Saltquarry SC
Suarez - 67' - (0-1)

AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens 3–0 Random Penguins XI
Njawrao - 2' - (1-0)
van der Stedd - 55' - (2-0)
Black - 84' - (3-0)

SC Oldetoun New Newetoun 1–2 Xat'i Paradystopi
Rsheu - 40' - (0-1)
Borgen - 53' - (1-1)
T'ut'sii - 61' - (1-2)

AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja 5–0 Erroropolis SC
Lugga - 14' - (1-0)
Gryszmeldasdottyr-Scwoggnorrys - 27' - (2-0)
Gryszmeldasdottyr-Scwoggnorrys - 31' - (3-0)
Gryszmeldasdottyr-Scwoggnorrys - 60' - (4-0)
Wriggler - 90'+1 - (5-0)

.      FLoP9                        Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts.
 1  SC Oldetoun New Newetoun      12    9   1   2    17    5  +12    47
 2  Xat'i Paradystopi             11    8   2   1    26    9  +17    44
 3  New Newetoun Saltquarry SC    12    6   4   2    20    8  +12    38
 4  AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens   12    6   3   3    21   12   +9    36
 5  AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja   12    5   2   5    22   20   +2    29
 6  Erroropolis SC                11    3   1   7    18   30  −12    17
 7  AC Pantsdon Shandy            11    2   3   6     4   11   −7    16
 8  Farslum Hoo SC                11    2   3   6     8   23  −15    16
 9  Random Penguins XI            12    0   3   9     7   25  −18     6

Mixed fortunes for the Xat'i this week as, in spite of inflicting a crucial blow against Oldetoun in the league, they found themselves very much outclassed by slick Ko-orenite unit; Maynard AFC (and that is 'slick' inasmuch as 'as slick as one can expect from a Ko-orenite team, given the nature of Ko-orenite football in general.)
In the rest of the league, both Urbsclavium teams notched up impressive wins to continue to put pressure on the current Top 3, and a goal from South Newlandian striker Lia Suarez saved Saltquarry's blushes as they lumbered to a much needed win against a rowdy Reds team with their own plans of escaping the Bottom 3.

WEEK 27

Associations Trophy - Round of 32, First Leg

Xat'i Paradystopi 0-3 Maynard AFC (Ko-oren) (1-7 agg.)
unknown - 66' - (0-1)
unknown - 87' - (0-2)
unknown - 90'+5 - (0-3)

- Quarter-finals, First Leg

SC Oldetoun New Newetoun 1–0 AC Pantsdon Shandy
Smith (o.g.) - 44' - (1-0)

Random Penguins XI 1–5 AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens
Zigismundis - 11' - (0-1)
Njawrao - 14' - (0-2)
Gryszmeldasdottyr-Scwoggnorrys - 30' - (0-3)
Zigismundis - 41' - (0-4)
Charles - 78' - (1-4)
Morganasdottyr - 86' - (1-5)

Xat'i Paradystopi 5–1 Farslum Hoo SC
Kharpathwa - 3' - (0-1)
T'ut'sii - 7' - (1-1)
Rhiagr - 12' - (2-1)
Rhiagr - 45'+1 - (3-1)
Olii - 57' - (4-1)
Qut'ii - 71' - (5-1)

New Newetoun Saltquarry SC 0–1 AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja
Tippytapper - 47' - (0-1)

With a three goal deficit to overcome, the home leg of the Xat'i Associations Trophy Round of 32 match against a much stronger opposition was always going to be tricky. Whilst the likes of Rsheu and Rhiagr produced some impassioned attacking football, the team never truly took control of proceedings. By the time the second half came around, Maynard AFC took full advantage of the Xat'i over extending with their attacks and punished them soundly for it. The final aggregate score of 7-1 a bitter end to the first foray of the Xat'i into IFCF competition.
In the first leg of the first 'proper' round of competition in the domestic cup; the FLoP Rondeau, the Xat'i fared considerably better establishing a strong lead over the Hoo. Saltquarry again found themselves falling short of an Urbsclavium squad when an attack straight from the restart soon found it's way to Tippytapper who nodded the ball past an unexpecting Klara Av Steinbruddet. In the other games, the penguins were made short work of by the Ossies and Oldetoun managed to scrape a victory against Pantsdon which was a lot closer than most (outside of Pantsdon fans) expected it to be.

WEEK 28

- First Phase - Matchday 14

Erroropolis SC 1–4 SC Oldetoun New Newetoun
Stone - 42' - (0-1)
Harbormeisterson - 62' - (0-2)
Anastasyasdottyr - 66' - (1-2)
Borgen - 71' - (1-3)
Minglor - 73' - (1-4)

Xat'i Paradystopi 1–0 AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens
Rsheu - 59' - (1-0)

Random Penguins XI 1–3 AC Pantsdon Shandy
Robertsson - 20' - (0-1)
Jeremy - 23' - (1-1)
Limpitlicker - 39' - (1-2)
Scwoggnorrys - 62' - (1-3)

New Newetoun Saltquarry SC 0–1 Farslum Hoo SC
Fisher (p) - 71' - (0-1)

.      FLoP9                        Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts.
 1  SC Oldetoun New Newetoun      13   10   1   2    21    6  +15    52
 2  Xat'i Paradystopi             12    9   2   1    27    9  +18    49
 3  New Newetoun Saltquarry SC    13    6   4   3    20    9  +11    38
 4  AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens   13    6   3   4    21   13   +8    36
 5  AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja   12    5   2   5    22   20   +2    29
 6  AC Pantsdon Shandy            12    3   3   6     7   12   −5    21
 7  Farslum Hoo SC                12    3   3   6     9   23  −14    21
 8  Erroropolis SC                12    3   1   8    19   34  −15    17
 9  Random Penguins XI            13    0   3  10     8   28  −20     6

Further misery for Saltquarry this week as they suffer a disappointing home loss to a Farslum team who were also looking to end a bad run of form. Despite being in control for the majority of the game, they were unable to make their chances count thanks in part to an outstanding game from the Hoo's keeper; Zlatana Nykwyst. When Farslum received a penalty in the last twenty minutes, which was hammered home straight down the middle by Bo Fisher, the Salties looked to have had the wind taken from their sails. Lustreless and deflated, they never truly looked like getting back into the game. Thankfully, for the meantime at least, the Ossies couldn't capitalise upon this with them taking a loss themselves to the Xat'i courtesy of a brilliant solo effort from Rsheu.
With Pantsdon claiming an easy win at the Penguins, Erroropolis plummet to eighth place in the league after a thrashing at the hands of Oldetoun. Given their expectations of a mid-table finish weighed against where they currently sit, one can't help but wonder if the Ro-ro will even make it into the Middle 3 come the end of the first phase.

WEEK 29

OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT
FAO: All Member Club Organisations/Employees of the FLoP

Dear All,

It has come to our attention that, due to completely unforeseeable circumstances that are honestly totally beyond our control, the proposed scheduling for the remainder of the FLoP9, and FLoP Rondeau is in urgent need of revision. As things currently stand with the current schedule, the season would run over into the summer break and we would thus miss the deadline for submission of teams to the International Federation of Club Football (IFCF) and Campionato Esportivano di Campeones (CEdC) competitions. Whilst we have reached out to both committee of aforementioned federations to enquire if there was any possibility for a late submission due to our unfortunate scheduling mishap, the response from the CEdC committee was a flat 'no' whereas the Esportivan IFCF committee representative merely stated 'For fuck's sake, I thought I'd blocked you morons' and hung up.

As such, we have no choice but to take the drastic action of cancelling all upcoming league bye weeks from now until the end of the season which should just about ensure we achieve an adequate conclusion of the FLoP competitions in line with these needlessly stringent international rules.

We apologise profusely for any inconvenience caused but please be assured that this situation was utterly unavoidable and absolutely and unequivocally not a sloppy oversight on our part.

Yours Sincerely

On behalf of
The Office of the Football League of Paradystopia Organisational Committee.

- Round of 16, First Leg

Xat'i Paradystopi 3-2 Besanza Emeralds (Fhulghamous Peninsula)
unknown - 9' - (0-1)
Rsheu - 20' - (1-1)
Rsheu - 25' - (2-1)
unknown (p) - 45'+1 - (2-2)
Rsheu - 55' - (3-2)

SC Oldetoun New Newetoun 1-1 1899 Szbedansk (Kanzlia)
unknown - 37' - (0-1)
Bortland (p) - 44' - (1-1)

- First Phase - Matchday 15

Farslum Hoo SC 4–0 Random Penguins XI
Rickles (p) - 4' - (1-0)
Cobbler - 35' - (2-0)
Muck - 48' - (3-0)
Cobbler - 54' - (4-0)

AC Pantsdon Shandy 1–2 Xat'i Paradystopi
Limpitlicker - 10' - (1-0)
Hleqrru - 27' - (1-1)
Rhiagr - 66' - (1-2)

AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens 3–0 Erroropolis SC
Walpurgys - 22' - (1-0)
Prosyakić - 58' - (2-0)
Njawrao - 70' - (3-0)

SC Oldetoun New Newetoun 0–1 AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja
Crabbe (p) - 82' - (0-1)

.      FLoP9                        Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts. 
 1  Xat'i Paradystopi             13   10   2   1    29   10  +19    54
 2  SC Oldetoun New Newetoun      14   10   1   3    21    7  +14    52
 3  AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens   14    7   3   4    24   13  +11    41
 4  New Newetoun Saltquarry SC    13    6   4   3    20    9  +11    38
 5  AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja   13    6   2   5    23   20   +3    34
 6  Farslum Hoo SC                13    4   3   6    13   23  −10    26
 7  AC Pantsdon Shandy            13    3   3   7     8   14   −6    21
 8  Erroropolis SC                13    3   1   9    19   37  −18    17
 9  Random Penguins XI            14    0   3  11     8   32  −24     6

So, hang on, let me get this straight.
Because some twat-headed exec screwed up the schedule, I'm now obliged to work right through without a break until the end of the season?
You are having a laugh, right?

You know what? Fuck it.

I quit.

Bollocks to the lot of you.

Additional links:
Goal Scorer and Clean Sheet Stats

by **Paradystopia** » Mon Aug 11, 2025 3:16 am

"What are we supposed to do? We don't have an announcer. Are we just expected to announce results accompanied by eerie silence?"
"That could work. I've seen it done."
"No, no, no! We need something! C'mon, ideas people!"
"I know! How about we do a 'penguin language' version? Inclusivity is very in right now."
"Won't that just be a load of random honking noises?"
"Well, yeah, to us, yes. The penguins will probably appreciate it."
"Sod the damn penguins! No, we need something better than that. We've got the finale of the first phase of the league coming up. C'mon! There's got to be something we can do."
"What about Kanzlian football reports?"
"What on the great fat backside of the Multiverse are you on about?"
"Well, we 'borrow' their match reports, and just, y'know, put our relevant information over the top?"
"Just when I thought the ideas couldn't get worse than the penguin one ... I cannot see how that could possibly work ..."

WEEK 30

- Round of 16, Second Leg

Besanza Emeralds (Fhulghamous Peninsula) 4-2 Xat'i Paradystopi (6-5 agg.)
unknown - 33' - (1-0)
Rhiagr - 38' - (1-1)
unknown - 45'+1 - (2-1)
unknown - 58' - (3-1)
Rhiagr - 77' - (3-2)
unknown - 82' - (4-2)

1899 Szbedansk (Kanzlia) 3-2 SC Oldetoun New Newetoun (4-3 agg.)
unknown - 4' - (1-0)
unknown - 10' - (2-0)
Borgen (p) - 39' - (2-1)
unknown - 68' - (3-1)
Sosjian - 75' - (3-2)

- First Phase - Matchday 16

AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja 1–4 AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens
Zigismundis - 12' - (0-1)
Iajohn - 14' - (0-2)
Tippytapper - 31' - (1-2)
Lugga - 36' - (1-3)
Walpurgys - 80' - (1-4)

Erroropolis SC 1–1 AC Pantsdon Shandy
Anastasyasdottyr - 77' - (1-0)
Hook (p) - 89' - (1-1)

Xat'i Paradystopi 7–1 Farslum Hoo SC
Hleqrru - 2' - (1-0)
Wakkis - 13' - (2-0)
Jim - 29' - (3-0)
Rsheu - 32' - (4-0)
Rickles - 48' - (4-1)
Wakkis - 55' - (5-1)
Rhisje - 79' - (6-1)
Jankhukh - 90'+2 - (7-1)

Random Penguins XI 0–1 New Newetoun Saltquarry SC
I.Schlippe - 55' - (0-1)

.      FLoP9                        Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts. 
 1  Xat'i Paradystopi             14   11   2   1    36   11  +25    59
 2  SC Oldetoun New Newetoun      14   10   1   3    21    7  +14    52
 3  AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens   15    8   3   4    28   14  +14    46
 4  New Newetoun Saltquarry SC    14    7   4   3    21    9  +12    43
 5  AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja   14    6   2   6    24   24    0    34
 6  Farslum Hoo SC                14    4   3   7    14   30  −16    26
 7  AC Pantsdon Shandy            14    3   4   7     9   15   −6    23
 8  Erroropolis SC                14    3   2   9    20   38  −18    19
 9  Random Penguins XI            15    0   3  12     8   33  −25     6

Kanzlia wrote:URBSCLAVOSZYDENSANORJENS are on a roll lately as the URBSCLAVIUM-based club has locked horns with city rivals URBSCLAWYDRAEKSTERLUTRJA for the CHANCE TO MAKE THE TOP THREE throughout the season. Part of what made them such OUTSIDE contenders this season, compared to SOMETHING ELSE, is their confident defence. Whilst their attacking prowess didn't get any duller this season, their defence has certainly became much more THE SAME BECAUSE IT IS THEIR FIRST SEASON. Introducing 22-year old LEONARD LUGGA into the starting 11 has helped THE TEAM heavily, providing a solid passing option to the easily pressed centre-back. Whilst the defensive line has certainly improved with SOMEONE ELSE, it has also significantly improved YEVGENY SPARROWHAWK's offensive strategy. LUGGA is one URBSCLAVOSZYDENSANORJENS best ball-carriers from his own half. Only a few games remain to tell whether LUGGA's qualities is enough to get URBSCLAVOSZYDENSANORJENS over the line INTO THE TOP THREE.

Kanzlia wrote:ERROROPOLIS is putting up a BOTTOM THREE performance in the FINAL PART OF THE FIRST PHASE OF THIS competition. With the ONE-ALL defeat at the hands of AC PANTSDON SHANDY, ERROROPOLIS has officially secured TWO point in 5 games of a possible TWENTY-FIVE. Their only draw coming from a ONE-ALL stalemate against THE TEAM THEY JUST PLAYED, who are in their own hot water with their TWELVE points from a possible TWENTY-FIVE. Whilst on pitch tenacity still seems intact, the ERROROPOLIS TEAM just couldn't catch a break it seems. ERROR MESSAGE had already began experimenting with THE SAME tactics to get out of the slump but it clearly only piled on the misery for the defending LAST PLACE TEAM.

Kanzlia wrote:With 2 games remaining, all the media spotlight are turned towards XAT'I PARADYSTOPI. To make matters worse, with their HIGH-SCORING VICTORY against FARSLUM, it marks two games in a row that THE XAT'I SCORED points. Many supporters (mainly those from PARADYSTOPIA and PARADYSTOPIA) are quick to recall the NEVER BEFORE SEEN meltdowns XAT'I PARADYSTOPI suffer this late into the season, a phenomenon as beautiful for supporters as witnessing an Aurora Borealis firsthand. XAT'I PARADYSTOPI still has a cushion of SEVEN points, and with a much superior goal difference, XAT'I PARADYSTOPI could at the very least afford one more defeat. They would already know though that OLDETOUN NEW NEWETOUN could smell blood in the water.

NB. RP taken from Kanzlia Honour Division is used (i.e. butchered) with express permission from Kanzlia and left in quotes to maintain links to the original source material.

"Seriously?! What was that crap? It's the biggest week for the league coming up. We need something at least adequate."
"There's always the pengui..."
"Will you shut up about your stupid penguin language idea. No, we need some decent reports of the week's matches, in multiversal common tongue."
"I do have another idea ... it could be a little controversial though ..."
"It's not to do with penguins?"
"No, no, not at all.
"Go on then, I'm listening"
"Artificial Intelligence! What about an AI-bot that generates match reports?"
"Are you out of your tiny fucking mind?! That's an amount of backlash we cannot possibly deal with."
"Look, what other options do we have? Unless, you want to give the go-ahead on the penguin language ver..."
"Just fucking do it ..."

First Phase Finale - WEEK 31 - midweek

- First Phase - Matchday 17

New Newetoun Saltquarry SC 2–1 Xat'i Paradystopi
Olii - 47' - (0-1)
Gallen-Franck - 66' - (1-1)
Suarez - 73' - (2-1)

Farslum Hoo SC 3–0 Erroropolis SC
Filthy (o.g.) - 42' - (1-0)
Fisher (p) - 51' - (2-0)
Kharpathwa - 56' - (3-0)

AC Pantsdon Shandy 0–1 AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja
S.Wobblebottom - 17' - (0-1)

AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens 0–4 SC Oldetoun New Newetoun
Kanaka - 53' - (0-1)
Minglor - 60' - (0-2)
Bortland (p) - 62' - (0-3)
Grey - 88' - (0-4)

.      FLoP9                        Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts.  
 1  Xat'i Paradystopi             15   11   2   2    37   13  +24    59
 2  SC Oldetoun New Newetoun      15   11   1   3    25    7  +18    57
 3  New Newetoun Saltquarry SC    15    8   4   3    23   10  +13    48
 4  AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens   16    8   3   5    28   18  +10    46
 5  AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja   15    7   2   6    25   24   +1    39
 6  Farslum Hoo SC                15    5   3   7    17   30  −13    31
 7  AC Pantsdon Shandy            15    3   4   8     9   16   −7    23
 8  Erroropolis SC                15    3   2  10    20   41  −21    19
 9  Random Penguins XI            15    0   3  12     8   33  −25     6

GENERATE FLOP9 MATCH REPORTS

Okay. In the first week of the Football League of Paradystopia, Erroropolis SC defeated Random Penguins XI by five goals to three. AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja drew against New Newetoun Saltquarry SC in a no-score draw. SC Oldetoun New Newetoun defeated Farslum ...

STOP
GENERATE FLOP9 WEEK 31 MATCH REPORTS

Okay. In the thirty-first week of the Football League of Paradystopi, New Newetoun Saltquarry SC defeated Xat'i Paradystopi by two goals to one. Farslum Hoo SC defeated Erroropolis SC by ...

STOP
GENERATE FLOP9 WEEK 31 DETAILED MATCH REPORTS

I'm sorry, but I don't understand the request. Would you like me to generate the Football League of Paradystopia week thirty-one match reports?

YES, AND INCLUDE DETAILED INFORMATION

Okay. In the thirty-first week of the Football League of Paradystopi, New Newetoun Saltquarry SC defeated Xat'i Paradystopi by two goals to one. New Newetoun is the capital city of Paradystopia and is located in the south-west of the country. The population is mostly comprised of ...

STOP
GENERATE FLOP9 WEEK 31 MATCH REPORTS INCLUDING DETAILED INFORMATION ABOUT THE FOOTBALL

Okay. In the thirty-first week of the Football League of Paradystopi, New Newetoun Saltquarry SC defeated Xat'i Paradystopi by two goals to one. Football, also known as Soccer, is a popular team sport that is played by two competing sides comprising usually of eleven individuals. The objective of football is to ...

STOP
GENERATE DETAILED REPORT OF THE WEEK 31 FOOTBALL MATCH BETWEEN NEW NEWETOUN SALTQUARRY SC AND XAT'I PARADYSTOPI

I'm sorry, but I don't understand the request. Would you like me to tell you the results of the Football League of Paradystopia for week 31?

NO. GENERATE DETAILED REPORTS OF FOOTBALL LEAGUE OF PARADYSTOPIA WEEK 31 MATCHES

I'm sorry, but I don't understand the request. Would you like me to tell you the results of the Football League of Paradystopia for week 31?

NO. GENERATE DETAILED REPORTS

Okay. What would you like detailed reports about?

THE FOOTBALL LEAGUE OF PARADYSTOPIA

Okay. Which results of the Football League of Paradystopia would you like detailed reports about?

WEEK 31 RESULTS

Okay. You have stated that you would like detailed reports about the week 31 results of the Football League of Paradystopia. Is this correct?

YES

I'm sorry, but I don't understand the request. Would you like me to ...

STOP
I HATE YOU

I'm sorry that you feel this way. Would you wish to provide feedback so as to improve my functioning for future users?

NO. I JUST WANT SOME DETAILED FOOTBALL REPORTS

Your feedback of 'NO. I JUST WANT SOME DETAILED FOOTBALL REPORTS' has been noted. Thank you for you time. Is there anything else I can help you with?

PISS OFF

It sounds like you are requesting information on the function of the urinary tract. Is this correct?

STOP

"Where the absolute fuck did you find that AI?"
"Well, it's still in development at ParaCom. Apparently it's going to be the next big thi..."
"It's utter bullshit, and will never catch on. Anyway, this is becoming a total shambles and we've got the finale of the first phase coming up and absolutely no method of presenting it."
"We could do the ..."
"If you mention penguin language again, you'll be looking for a new job."
"Oh ... ok ... never mind then."
"Actually, you know what. I've got an idea."
"Oh?"
"You can do the reports"
"Me?! But I ... I don't have any experience. I wouldn't know what to say."
"Make it up. Look, it's easy. Just talk a bit about each match, mention a few key incidents. The top, middle and bottom three are already decided given the Ossies bottled it against Oldetoun and Farslum thrashed Erroropolis. Plus, it's not like you could be any worse than any of your previous suggestions."

First Phase Finale - WEEK 31 - weekend

- First Phase - Matchday 18

SC Oldetoun New Newetoun 0–1 AC Pantsdon Shandy
Blade - 77' - (0-1)

AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja 1–1 Farslum Hoo SC
Crabbe (p) - 20' - (1-0)
Brooks-Weaver - 80' - (1-1)

Erroropolis SC 3–3 New Newetoun Saltquarry SC
Slaptail - 9' - (1-0)
Message - 15' - (2-0)
Slaptail - 30' - (3-0)
Dingle - 42' - (3-1)
Soks - 55' - (3-2)
K.Schlippe - 61' - (3-3)

Xat'i Paradystopi 5–0 Random Penguins XI
T'ut'sii - 11' - (1-0)
Rsheu - 18' - (2-0)
Rsheu - 21' - (3-0)
Olii - 40' - (4-0)
Rsheu - 45'+1 - (5-0)

.      FLoP9                        Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts.  
 1  Xat'i Paradystopi             16   12   2   2    42   13  +29    64
 2  SC Oldetoun New Newetoun      16   11   1   4    25    8  +17    57
 3  New Newetoun Saltquarry SC    16    8   5   3    26   13  +13    50
 4  AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens   16    8   3   5    28   18  +10    46
 5  AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja   16    7   3   6    26   25   +1    41
 6  Farslum Hoo SC                16    5   4   7    18   31  −13    33
 7  AC Pantsdon Shandy            16    4   4   8    10   16   −6    28
 8  Erroropolis SC                16    3   3  10    23   44  −21    21
 9  Random Penguins XI            16    0   3  13     8   38  −30     6

Hi. Ermm ... So this is the thirtieth, I mean the thirty first week finale of the Football Paradystopia League, I mean the Football League of Paradystopia. So yeah, it's umm ... it's all come down to this to see who will make the top three. Or the middle three, or the bottom three, although that was already decided in the midweek games, I think. So, okay, ermm ... Oldetoun won, I mean, no, they didn't. Sorry, it was Pantsdon who won thanks to a ... ummm ... oh, Dillon Blade. Yes, it was Dillon Blade who scored the goal to win for Farslum, I mean Pantsdon, sorry. That was umm ... a good game? Well, it wasn't a good game for Oldetoun because they lost but it was good for Pantsdon. Oh, actually it wasn't that good for Pantsdon because they are still in the bottom three going into the second phase. Did I already say that? Umm ... anyway ... ermm ... Oh yes, Farlsum got themselves into the middle three, though they actually did that last week, I think when they won? No, I mean they drew against Urbsclava ... Urbsclawydru ... Urbscli ... the Ossies. No, I mean the other one. Ermm ... The Vidders, that's it. I guess, that's good for both teams? I mean, they're both in the middle three, so it's not as good as making it into the top three but not as bad as the bottom three? Oh, ermm ... so Erroropolis nearly had a win against Saltquarry, New Newetoun Saltquarry that is, but there's only one team called Saltquarry, so never mind and they were ... umm ... they were three goals up but Erroropolis managed to ... Sorry, I meant Saltquarry managed to get three goals back to win, I mean draw so they make it into the top three, but they had already done that, so yeah ... umm ... The Xat'i won against the penguins scoring four, sorry, I mean five goals and then ... is that all the matches? Oh, did I mention Pantsdon winning? Oh yes, I did, sorry. So umm ... yeah. That's what happened.
Oh yes, umm ... so that means that it will be the Xat'i, Oldetoun and New Newetoun in the top three. Saltquarry I mean, both Oldetoun and Saltquarry are based in New Newetoun, but you knew that already. It's Urbsclavy ... Urbsclawydoszy ... Urbsclavoszydensekster ... It's both the teams from Urbsclavium in the middle three. And in the bottom three it's Pantsdon, Erroropolis and the penguins. Hang on. Did I not mention Farslum? Oh, sorry. Farslum made it into the middle three. I think. Oh yes, they did.

WEEK 32

- Quarter-finals, First Leg

AC Pantsdon Shandy 0–0 SC Oldetoun New Newetoun (0-1 agg.)

AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens 2–2 Random Penguins XI (7-3 agg.)
Zigismundis - 33' - (1-0)
Steve - 45' - (1-1)
Njawrao - 63' - (2-1)
Pendelicus (o.g) - 89' - (2-2)

Farslum Hoo SC 0–3 Xat'i Paradystopi (1-8 agg.)
Rsheu - 42' - (0-1)
Jim - 60' - (0-2)
Wakkis - 68' - (0-3)

AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja 0–3 New Newetoun Saltquarry SC (1-3 agg.)
Utenhom - 63' - (0-1)
Soks - 72' - (0-2)
Njalha - 90' - (0-3)

Kwarrk Kwak ca-Kwaarrk NEW NEWETOUN SALTQUARRY SC Kwak Kwaarrk ca-Kwaaaarkhak Kwak Kwak Kwaarrk URBSCLAWYDRAEKSTERLUTJRA. Kwwaark Kwak ca-Kwak XAT'I PARADYSTOPI Kwaarrk Kwaaaarkhak FARSLUM HOO SC. SC OLDETOUN NEW NEWETOUN Kwakwaaark Kwaak Kwarrk. Kwak Kwwaarkk ca-Kwaarrk Kwakwaar Kwaak ca-Kwwwarrk ca-Kwak URBSCLAVOSZYDENSANORJENS Kwaak ca-Kwarrk Kwark ca-Kwak ca-Kwaarrkwak.

Additional links:
Goal Scorer and Clean Sheet Stats

by **Paradystopia** » Thu Aug 14, 2025 2:41 am

WEEK 33

- Second Phase - Matchday 1 (Neutral Stadium Section)

Top3
New Newetoun Saltquarry SC 4–2 Xat'i Paradystopi
Rhiagr - 18' - (0-1)
Suarez - 22' - (1-1)
Suarez - 41' - (2-1)
Dingle - 57' - (3-1)
Olii - 64' - (3-2)
Brown - 89' - (4-2)

Middle3
AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens 0–6 AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja
Kokušić - 34' - (0-1)
Tippytapper - 48' - (0-2)
Nasilnyka - 60' - (0-3)
Tippytapper - 65' - (0-4)
Tippytapper (p) - 67' - (0-5)
Igorić - 77' - (0-6)

Bottom3
Erroropolis SC 5–2 Random Penguins XI
Filthy (o.g) - 2' - (0-1)
Skibbles - 11' - (1-1)
Message - 38' - (2-1)
Orahn - 44' - (3-1)
Orahn - 59' - (4-1)
Steve (p) - 72' - (4-2)
Jangletrousers - 88' - (5-2)

.      FLoP9                       Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts.
1  Xat'i Paradystopi             17   12   2   3    44   17  +27    64   IFCF Champions League, CEdC.
2  SC Oldetoun New Newetoun      16   11   1   4    25    8  +17    57   IFCF Challengers Cup, CEdC 
3  New Newetoun Saltquarry SC    17    9   5   3    30   15  +15    55   IFCF Challengers Cup 
4  AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja   17    8   3   6    32   25   +7    46   IFCF Challengers Cup.
5  AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens   17    8   3   6    28   24   +4    46
6  Farslum Hoo SC                16    5   4   7    18   31  −13    33
7  AC Pantsdon Shandy            16    4   4   8    10   16   −6    28
8  Erroropolis SC                17    4   3  10    28   46  −18    26   Rondeau Preliminary Round 
9  Random Penguins XI            17    0   3  14    10   43  −33     6   Rondeau Preliminary Round.

Hello, and welcome I suppose, to the second phase of the Football League of Paradystopia. I am Kwrao, and some of you may, nay should remember me as the resident host of 'Sporting Mewsings', the premier Xat'i language radio sports discussion show. Now, here I am as your astonishingly good-looking host for this, the final throes of the first official season of Paradystopi football and receiving a staggeringly exorbitant amount of money for the privilege. Probably something to do with the fact that the significant scheduling fuck-up causing my predecessor to quit, that the viewership ratings had plummeted due to the atrocious alternatives the asinine board members had opted for, and now they have to pay through the nose to bring in a seasoned pro, i.e. moi. I was specifically told not to say any of this prior to the show by a runner I can only assume has never before encountered a Xat. Rules were made to be clawed up, chewed out and then vomited into a nice warm shoe. Sorry, not sorry if you're now out of a job, Jill. Anyway, enough idle chit-chat about this clusterfuck of an organisation and how the only viewing figures they were getting were from South Newlandia, where it was being broadcast as a shitty comedy. What's that? I've just had my producer in my ear asking if I could kindly move on with the football results and try to tone down the language a little. Seriously Lorenz? You do know that by asking that of me I'm now culturally obligated to refer to you as an insufferable cunt bastard live on TV? But that aside, yes, let's move on to the football.
Now, first and foremost, one has to question what is going on for the Xat'i Paradystopi. Yes, yes, yes, they've had some good wins recently but that has seemed to be when they're playing the useless squads whom it's actually embarrassing to say they share a league with. Just two weeks ago, they faced off and lost against Saltquarry, and the fact they been unable to immediately avenge this defeat, given the sheer breadth of talent at their disposal shows that clearly something else must be afoot. Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that as I am a Xat, that I would naturally be biased towards Xat'i Paradystopi. As a professional sportscaster, I'm hurt that anyone would perceive me in such a way, regardless of the fact that it's totally true. I mean, you have to look at it this way. Saltquarry employ some random retiring goalkeeper from some nation nobody's heard of as a manager, and now they've beat the immense might that is Xat'i Paradystopi twice? What was that, Lorenz? Vielfaltig were runners up in the Cup of Harmony 91 with Marcela Ramos captaining the side? Yes, well that surely just proves my point. She captained the losers, in the World Cup losers cup, so the fact Saltquarry are beating the Xat'i is just ... Excuse me? No Lorenz, I don't see that there is any relevance in bringing up how the Xat'i crashed out of the 'IFCF Loser's Trophy' in the Round of 32 and the CEdC in the ... Yes, I know it's better than any of the Paradystopi Xat'i managed because we weren't at the tournament so that's not a fair comparison. It's not my fault that the useless Paradystopi mail service misdirected our invite to some old woman in Pantsdon who thought she'd won an international prize for choral singing and was very surprised indeed after she spent a large proportion of her life-savings flying business class all the way to Tikariot ... Yes, I'm well aware I'm digressing, but you started it. So anyway, some dubious officiating decisions led to Saltquarry having a strong start at the expense of the Xat'i. Yes, Lorenz. Dubious officiating decisions 'in my opinion'.
In the middle three, if anyone actually cares, the battle for the final Challengers Cup place got off to an explosive start with the Urbsclavium derby and a result that the Ossies will want to forget, most notably the Urbsclavoszydensanorjens goalkeeping unit. Szymon Jonsson received a straight red not long after Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja went two-nil up for a rash challenge on Clansey Crabbe which led to Njawrao making way for substitute keeper, Alexandar Krvić. Clearly, they were punished for taking off their one decent striker as the Vidders capitalised upon the man advantage as well as a goalkeeper who didn't seem match-fit at all. Nasilnyka made it three-nil with a long shot that should've been caught but bobbled from Krvić's grasp into the net, and from then, the Ossies crumbled spectacularly. Upon the final whistle, players had to be promptly escorted from the field of play as Soggybottom echoed with booing and a few homemade or scavenged projectiles made their way onto the pitch from some of the more unruly Urbsclavoszydensanorjens fans. With international qualification on the line, this was a damning blow for Urbclavosvydensanorjens.
As for the bottom three, who gives a shit? The penguins lost. Big surprise, much wow ...

WEEK 34

- Second Phase - Matchday 2 (Neutral Stadium Section)

Top3
SC Oldetoun New Newetoun 0–0 New Newetoun Saltquarry SC

Middle3
Farslum Hoo SC 1–1 AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens
Kharpathwa - 69' - (1-0)
Zigismundis (p) - 77' - (1-1)

Bottom3
AC Pantsdon Shandy 1–4 Erroropolis SC
Scamperer - 55' - (0-1)
Anastasyasdottyr - 72' - (0-2)
Jangletrousers - 90'+1 - (0-3)
Clambanger - 90'+3 - (1-3)
Jangletrousers - 90'+6 - (1-4)

.      FLoP9                       Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts.
1  Xat'i Paradystopi             17   12   2   3    44   17  +27    64   IFCF Champions League, CEdC.
2  SC Oldetoun New Newetoun      17   11   2   4    25    8  +17    59   IFCF Challengers Cup, CEdC 
3  New Newetoun Saltquarry SC    18    9   6   3    30   15  +15    57   IFCF Challengers Cup 
4  AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens   18    8   4   6    29   25   +4    48   IFCF Challengers Cup.
5  AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja   17    8   3   6    32   25   +7    46
6  Farslum Hoo SC                17    5   5   7    19   32  −13    35
7  Erroropolis SC                18    5   3  10    32   47  −15    31
8  AC Pantsdon Shandy            17    4   4   9    11   20   −9    28   Rondeau Preliminary Round 
9  Random Penguins XI            17    0   3  14    10   43  −33     6   Rondeau Preliminary Round.

No Xat'i matches this week. Yawn. Move on.

For fuck's sake, Lorenz. Really? Yes, I am a professional but does anyone actually care about any of these crappy teams? Like, honestly?

Wait. You support who? The Reds? Fucking Pantsdon Shandy? Good grief, I knew you were a prick, Lorenz, but wow, that's a new level of wankerdom. What about Jill?

... You're kidding ... Right? ... The Penguins?! The team practically certain to come ninth out of nine? What's that? She doesn't really follow football but thinks penguins are cute? Err, Hello? I think you'll find that Xat'i are infinitely cuter than a bunch of noisy, brainless, fish-guzzlers. I mean, seriously, what's the point of a bird that can't fly? Yes, Lorenz, I'm very aware that Xat'i Paradystopi have a penguin player but that's Jim. You can't lump Jim in with the rest of his kind. What? The matches? Pfft. I already signed my contract up to the end of the season, like I give the slightest crap about any of that. Although, how about we start from the bottom this time?
So in the bottom three, Pantsdon performed admirably against Erroropolis ... Haha ... Actually they didn't, did they Lorenz? Stuffed four-one at home, conceded two goals in stoppage time to a guy called Jimmy Jangletrousers and dropped into eighth place. Beautiful.
Farslum Hoo nearly added insult to injury upon an Urbsclavoszydensanorjens side still reeling from their devastating result the week before. Akash Kharpathwa putting the Hoo up with barely twenty minutes to go with a well placed header. Unfortunately for them, Donald Muck was deemed to have handled the ball in the area defending a cross during the ensuing fightback from the Ossies and Delta Zigismundis spared them the ignominy of a second straight loss with a coolly taken spot kick.
As for the top three, the New Newetoun derby played out to a dull nil-nil draw which I suppose actually works favourably for the Xat'i who have a five point cushion atop the league and will be looking to make it ten with next week's match against Oldetoun.

WEEK 35

- Semi-finals, First Leg

AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens 0–1 New Newetoun Saltquarry SC
I.Schlippe (p) - 42' - (0-1)

SC Oldetoun New Newetoun 1–2 Xat'i Paradystopi
Rsheu - 32' - (0-1)
Borgen - 38' - (1-1)
Rhisje - 89' - (1-2)

- Second Phase - Matchday 3 (Neutral Stadium Section)

Top3
Xat'i Paradystopi 2–1 SC Oldetoun New Newetoun
Bortland (p) - 62' - (0-1)
Hleqrru - 65' - (1-1)
Wakkis - 72' - (2-1)

Middle3
AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja 2–2 Farslum Hoo SC
Kharpathwa - 10' - (0-1)
S.Wobblebottom - 31' - (1-1)
Manywhiskers - 38' - (2-1)
Brun - 85' - (2-2)

Bottom3
Random Penguins XI 0–2 AC Pantsdon Shandy
John - 19' - (0-1)
Hook - 60' - (0-2)

.      FLoP9                       Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts.
1  Xat'i Paradystopi             18   13   2   3    46   18  +28    69   IFCF Champions League, CEdC.
2  SC Oldetoun New Newetoun      18   11   2   5    26   10  +16    59   IFCF Challengers Cup, CEdC 
3  New Newetoun Saltquarry SC    18    9   6   3    30   15  +15    57   IFCF Challengers Cup 
4  AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja   18    8   4   6    34   27   +7    48   IFCF Challengers Cup.
5  AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens   18    8   4   6    29   25   +4    48
6  Farslum Hoo SC                18    5   6   7    21   34  −13    37
7  AC Pantsdon Shandy            18    5   4   9    13   20   −7    33
8  Erroropolis SC                18    5   3  10    32   47  −15    31   Rondeau Preliminary Round 
9  Random Penguins XI            18    0   3  15    10   45  −35     6   Rondeau Preliminary Round.

The Xat'i find themselves (as one would expect) back to winning ways with not only one victory over Oldetoun, but two. Not only have they given themselves a ten point buffer at the top of the league with only four games to go, but they've also given themselves an important advantage ahead of the second leg of the Rondeau semi-final. To be fair to Oldetoun, if I must, they did push the Xat'i both times. In the Rondeau, it was super-sub Rhisje who managed to get the final touch to place the ball around Harold King in the final minute of regular time despite the game being surprisingly even throughout. As for the league, Hleqrru and Wakkis both converted their own respective solo efforts to compete a well-earned comeback after Bortland somehow managed to slot a penalty past Sjiu. Incidentally, it was a penalty that gave Saltquarry the win over an ailing Urbsclaszydensanorjens squad. Krvić, still in for the suspended Jonsson, failing to keep the shot out despite getting fingertips to the ball.
The middle three saw a close game between the Vidders and the Hoo with Krysztof Brun's late goal spoiling the Otters chance to put some space between them and their local rivals. Whilst Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja do climb into the last IFCF spot with four games to go, they're only there on goal difference which injects some interesting tension going into the final fixtures.
In the bottom three, Lorenz's team beat Jill's and with the Reds currently sitting above Erroropolis they could be escaping the Rondeau preliminary round next season.

Additional links:
Goal Scorer and Clean Sheet Stats

by **Paradystopia** » Thu Aug 21, 2025 4:33 am

WEEK 36

You are joking, right? You're seriously telling me that Kwrao, recently employed on a ludicrous contract to finish out the season, has just this minute called in sick having suddenly being afflicted with a serious bout of depression? No, no, I am in no way diminishing mental illness, not at all. I just find it curious that he's been suddenly struck by this barely five minutes after the Xat'i suffered another defeat to Saltquarry. It's nothing to do with that, you say? It's because his daughter's very ill and it's taken a toll on his health? Uh-huh. What's up with his daughter? Fin-rot? And you believed this? Uh-huh. Well, there's two things I instantly notice with his story. One, though my knowledge of Xat'i anatomy is rather limited, I'm pretty certain that a creature needs to have fins to be affected by fin-rot, and two, Kwrao doesn't even have a daughter so I'm sure you can understand my scepticism over this apparent depressive illness. Yes, I'm well aware that either way he's not going to be present for the show. That doesn't exactly help me with what I'm supposed to do. Me?! Ha. Fuck no. Not a chance. My experience is most relevant on the other side of the camera and after watching your last exec die on air, no thank you very much. Yes, I know we need something. I suppose I could see if Jill's up for it? I'm sure she mentioned something before about wanting to get into kids TV ...

- Second Phase - Matchday 4

Top3
Xat'i Paradystopi 0–1 New Newetoun Saltquarry SC
I.Schlippe - 68' - (0-1)

Middle3
AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja 1–0 AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens
C.Longpaw - 88' - (1-0)

Bottom3
Random Penguins XI 0–5 Erroropolis SC
Anastasyasdottyr - 27' - (0-1)
Slaptail (p) - 72' - (0-2)
Y.Longwhiskers - 80' - (0-3)
Smith - 83' - (0-4)
Y.Longwhiskers - 90'+2 - (0-5)

.      FLoP9                       Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts.
1  Xat'i Paradystopi             19   13   2   4    46   19  +27    69   IFCF Champions League, CEdC.
2  New Newetoun Saltquarry SC    19   10   6   3    31   15  +16    62   IFCF Challengers Cup, CEdC
3  SC Oldetoun New Newetoun      18   11   2   5    26   10  +16    59   IFCF Challengers Cup 
4  AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja   19    9   4   6    35   27   +8    53   IFCF Challengers Cup.
5  AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens   19    8   4   7    29   26   +3    48
6  Farslum Hoo SC                18    5   6   7    21   34  −13    37
7  Erroropolis SC                19    6   3  10    37   47  −10    36
8  AC Pantsdon Shandy            18    5   4   9    13   20   −7    33   Rondeau Preliminary Round 
9  Random Penguins XI            19    0   3  16    10   50  −40     6   Rondeau Preliminary Round.

Hiya Paradystopia!
I'm Jill Prendergast, standing in for Kwrao who through unforeseeable circumstances is unavailable today. I know. It's very sad and we are all sending our best wishes to Kwrao and his family at this difficult time.
So, football. That's a fun game, isn't it? And at this very moment the Paradystopi football season, that some of you may know as the FLoP is reaching it's end and it's all very, very exciting.
There were three games this week. Three! Can you count them? One, two, and three! Well done.
Now the first game we're going to look at was between the top teams. It was between the Xat'i Paradystopi and New Newetoun Saltquarry who are two teams in the very top of the league and they're competing to be the overall winner of the league. Wow! So, they played against each other today and it was the team from Saltquarry who won. Yey! Well done them. The Xat'i also played very well but sadly for them, Iona Schlippe scored against them. Oh no! What happened was that Saltquarry had a penalty. Do you know what a penalty is? That's when one team get to take a shot from the penalty spot against only the other team's goalkeeper and even though the Xat'i goalkeeper Sjiu made a very good save, the ball came back to Iona and she had another shot and scored. Yey! Well done her. The Xat'i did try to score their own goal, but unfortunately the Saltquarry goalkeeper played really, really good and they could score a goal in time. Oh no! So the game finished with Saltquarry scoring one, and Xat'i Paradystopi scoring none, but that's okay because as long as everybody had fun, that's all that matters.
In the second game, that's match number two, we had two teams with very complicated long names and you have to be very smart to read them. Shall we try together? we have Urbs ... clav ... idra ... exter ... loo ... tria. Well done! And they played against Urbs ... clav ... ossy ... den ... san ... orry ... ens. Bravo! Now this was called a 'derby' match. Does anyone know what a derby is? That's right! It's when you have two different teams who both come from the same place playing against each other. Usually derby matches are when everyone plays that little bit harder and want to win that little bit more and this game was just like that because not only was it a derby match, both teams are also trying really hard to qualify for the Challengers Cup. Now the Challengers Cup is a really special competition in which teams from all over the multiverse play against each other so it's really important to try really, really hard. In this match, you could tell that everyone was giving it all their effort because it was very, very close and it was only right at the very end of the match that Chomps Longpaw scored a goal by actually using his head to put the ball into the net. You might think this is a bit weird that even though we call the sport 'football' that you can use your head. That's because you're actually allowed to use any part of your body apart from your arms and hands but because humans use their feet the most, we call it football. Anyway, with that goal that means that ... are you ready to say it along with me? ... Urbs ... clav ... idra ... exter ... loo ...tria won the game. Yey! Well done.
In the last game, the teams are actually trying to not play a match. How silly is that? But in the bottom three, the teams are trying to win so that they can jump ahead in the Rondeau competition and don't have to play in the preliminary round. Unfortunately, the Random Penguins team can't avoid this now. Oh no! But the other two teams are trying to play better than each other to avoid it. In this game, we saw the Random Penguins play against Erroropolis and it looks like Erroropolis really, really wanted to not play another game in the Rondeau because they won five-nil. Wow! Can you count to five? One, two, three, four, five! Well done.

WEEK 37

I take it Kwrao is still 'sick' then? Uh-huh. Oh, he's recovered from his depression but has inexplicably caught typhoid? Have there actually been any confirmed cases of typhoid in Paradystopia? No. Didn't think so. How's his 'daughter'? He didn't mention? No, of course he didn't ...

- Second Phase - Matchday 5

Top3
New Newetoun Saltquarry SC 1–1 SC Oldetoun New Newetoun
Borgen - 11' - (0-1)
Suarez - 42' - (1-1)

Middle3
AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens 5–3 Farslum Hoo SC
Kharpathwa - 4' - (0-1)
Zigismundis - 9' - (1-1)
van der Stedd - 22' - (2-1)
Rickles (p) - 25' - (2-2)
Kharpathwa - 31' - (2-3)
Zigismundis - 55' - (3-3)
Zigismundis - 59' - (4-3)
Njawrao - 70' - (5-3)

Bottom3
Erroropolis SC 3–0 AC Pantsdon Shandy
Anastasyasdottyr - 59' - (1-0)
C.Longwhiskers - 61' - (2-0)
Bolić - 90'+2 - (3-0)

.      FLoP9                       Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts.
1  Xat'i Paradystopi             19   13   2   4    46   19  +27    69   IFCF Champions League, CEdC.
2  New Newetoun Saltquarry SC    20   10   7   3    32   16  +16    64   IFCF Challengers Cup, CEdC
3  SC Oldetoun New Newetoun      19   11   3   5    27   11  +16    61   IFCF Challengers Cup 
4  AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja   19    9   4   6    35   27   +8    53   IFCF Challengers Cup.
5  AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens   20    9   4   7    34   29   +5    53
6  Farslum Hoo SC                19    5   6   8    24   39  −15    37
7  Erroropolis SC                20    7   3  10    40   47   −7    41
8  AC Pantsdon Shandy            19    5   4  10    13   23  −10    33   Rondeau Preliminary Round 
9  Random Penguins XI            19    0   3  16    10   50  −40     6   Rondeau Preliminary Round.

Hiya Paradystopia!
It's me, Jill Prendergast again. Back again with three very interesting matches in the Football League of Paradystopia. Right then, shall we get started?
So, in the top three it's another derby match. Do we all remember what a derby match is? Good. This time it was between the top teams from our capital city of New Newetoun; Oldetoun and Saltquarry. Now both of these teams needed a win to have the best chance of winning the league and qualifying for the Champions League. Do you know what the Champions League is? That's right. It's like the Challengers Cup, but you need to try even harder to qualify as they only let teams who win their leagues compete. That's why they call it a Champions League. Anyway, both teams were trying really hard to win and it was Oldetoun who got the first goal. After only a little bit more than ten minutes, Sebastien Borgen scored a header from a long throw-in. Yey! But then, Saltquarry didn't want to lose so they tried really, really hard to score a goal of their own and then, just before half-time, Lia Suarez had the ball passed to her from Mikka Utenhom, she did a twist so that the defender couldn't take the ball from her, and hit a strong shot into the corner of the goal. Yey! Now Lia Suarez wasn't born in Paradystopia. She was born in South Newlandia. Does anyone know where South Newlandia is? That's right, it's a island far away from here. Sometimes people like to play football in different places because they can get to play more football if they play in somewhere different to where they're from, and sometimes it's because the very good teams can buy the best players in the multi-verse to make the very best team to try and win the Champions League, or Challengers Cup. Anyway, unfortunately for the teams from New Newetoun, the match finished as a draw. That means that both teams scored the same number of goals. Because this match finished as a draw, that means that the Xat'i team have a big gap in points between them in the number one position, and Saltquarry in number two. This means that the New Newetoun teams are going to have to try really, really, extra hard to try and win the league now.
In the match in the middle three there were lots of goals scored. Urbsclavoszydensanorjens scored five, and Farslum Hoo scored three. How many goals is that in total? Let's count it. So if the Ossies have five, then five plus one is six, five plus two is seven, and five plus three is ... ? Well done. That's right, eight goals! Wow! That sure is a lot of goals, isn't it? With these goals, Delta Zigismundis scored a hat-trick. Do you know what a hat-trick is? That's it! It's when one player scores three goals all by themself. Wow! Well done Delta. Delta did really well this game because she scored some very important goals to stop Urbsclavoszydensanorjens from losing. When Farslum went ahead the first time not even five minutes into the match, she scored a wonderful goal to make it a draw again. Then when Akash Kharpathwa again put Farslum ahead three-two, she scored not once to make it three-three, but then again to make it four-three. On top of this, her second goal she scored from outside of the penalty area with a really long shot. She played really very well for her team to give them a chance to still qualify for the Challengers Cup.
In the bottom three, Erroropolis really must not want to play an extra cup match because they scored three goals against Pantsdon Shandy. Well done them.

WEEK 38

- Semi-finals, Second Leg

New Newetoun Saltquarry SC 1–3 AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens (2-3 agg.)
Zigismundis (p) - 48' - (0-1)
Soks - 54' - (1-1)
Iajohn - 56' - (1-2)
Morganasdottyr - 90' - (1-3)

Xat'i Paradystopi 2–1 SC Oldetoun New Newetoun (4-2 agg.)
Rsheu - 29' - (1-0)
Hleqrru - 43' - (2-0)
Minglor - 57' - (2-1)

- Second Phase - Matchday 6

Top3
SC Oldetoun New Newetoun 2–0 Xat'i Paradystopi
Harbormeisterson - 71' - (1-0)
Stone - 88' - (2-0)

Middle3
Farslum Hoo SC 0–1 AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja
Muck (o.g) - 79' - (0-1)

Bottom3
AC Pantsdon Shandy 0–0 Random Penguins XI

.      FLoP9                       Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts.
1  Xat'i Paradystopi             20   13   2   5    46   21  +25    69   IFCF Champions League, CEdC.
2  SC Oldetoun New Newetoun      20   12   3   5    29   11  +18    66   IFCF Challengers Cup, CEdC 
3  New Newetoun Saltquarry SC    20   10   7   3    32   16  +16    64   IFCF Challengers Cup 
4  AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja   20   10   4   6    36   27   +9    58   IFCF Challengers Cup.
5  AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens   20    9   4   7    34   29   +5    53
6  Farslum Hoo SC                20    5   6   9    24   40  −16    37
7  Erroropolis SC                20    7   3  10    40   47   −7    41
8  AC Pantsdon Shandy            20    5   5  10    13   23  −10    35   Rondeau Preliminary Round 
9  Random Penguins XI            20    0   4  16    10   50  −40     8   Rondeau Preliminary Round.

Hiya Paradystopia. It's me, Jill Prendergast again, and look who's back in the studio. It's Kwrao! Yey! How are you doing, Kwrao? We all hope you're feeling fit, healthy and ready and raring to be back doing the football reports.
Meh ...
Oh no! You're not still feeling a bit sick, are you?
No, I just wasn't expecting a co-host is all. Was this Lorenz's idea?
Haha. No, silly. Apparently, my hosting in your absence has been beneficial to bringing in a younger viewership and I've been given the go-ahead to continue with hosting duties until at least the end of the season. Isn't that right, kiddies? We'll all get to enjoy the thrilling conclusion of the Football League of Paradystopia together. Yey!
Is it too late to say I think I'm having a typhoid relapse?
Haha. Oh Kwrao, you're so funny. Anyway, we have more matches than usual this week as, in addition to the three league games, we have two exciting semi-finals in the Rondeau to complete and see which teams make it into the grand final on the last day of the season. So that's three, plus two, is five! Five games this week to talk about. Yey!
...
Do you want to start, Kwrao? Like it's laid out on the autocue?
Wha ...? Oh, fine. *ahem* Yes Jill, two games in the Rondeau, and three in the league. First we should probably start with the thrilling conclusions of those Rondeau semi-finals and whether the Xat'i and Saltquarry can hold onto the leads they gained in the first legs. Here's hoping for no upsets laugh personably.
Haha. I don't think you were meant to read that last bit, Kwrao. Anyway, in the first match, Saltquarry saw to defend the one-nil lead they obtained away from home in Urbsclavium but things didn't exactly go to plan, did they Kwrao?
Not at all, to be fair is was about time they fucked up. Though to be fair, Urbsclavoszydensanorjens were due a bit of luck too.
Haha. There's no need for the naughty language, Kwrao. Remember we have a younger audience demographic now?
Really? Well, Sh..sheesh ... Yeah kids, don't say 'fuck'. Anyway, it was a good match and to be fair to the Urbsclavium team, they deserved it. Came out with everything to play for and finally got the winning goal at the death courtesy of Anja Morganasdottyr's final touch when the Saltquarry lot failed to clear it from the box. Nice bit of vindication for the Xat'i given our recent results against them and we can breathe a sigh of relief that we won't be meeting them in the final.
That's right. In the other semi-final, the Xat'i won two-one against Oldetoun again so the final of the Rondeau will be Xat'i Paradystopi versus AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens. Maybe that could be a chance for the Ossies to take something from what hasn't been the season they expected to have.
Pfft. Yeah, right. At this point, the Ossies are just trying to extract maximum disappointment for themselves. They'll miss out on IFCF qualification on both fronts when the Vidders claim the last Challenger Cup spot and the Xat'i beat them out of Cup Winners' Cup qualification too.
But it's the taking part that's important, right kids? And I think they should be very proud of what they have achieved.
Oh no, I agree. Shame that they won't be taking part in any IFCF matches next season.
Well, it's not decided yet. Anyway, talking of the league, in the ...
Nope. We don't need to talk about that.
I think we do, Kwrao. Our audience want to know what happened in the league as there's only three weeks left before everything's decided.
Otters beat Farslum, and Pantsdon had a dull nil-nil where they couldn't score past the penguins. That's all there is to say.
But you're missing what happened in the top three. A rematch of the Rondeau semi-final between Oldetoun and the Xat'i.
Meh. Nothing to report. The match happened, there was a result, the end.
Yes, but that result was a win for Oldetoun, wasn't it? The Xat'i may have made the Rondeau final, but was that at the cost of jeopardising their place atop the league? They're now only three points ahead of Oldetoun, and only five ahead of Saltquarry. Which does make for a tense final few fixtures, does it not?
Pah! It's just an inconsequential bump in the road. We've got a better goal difference, and unless we lose some games heavily, which with Sjiu between the sticks, isn't going to happen, we'll be fine. We're still in the driving seat for the double, and no-one's going to stop us.
If you say so, Kwrao. So kids, who knows how to spell 'upset' ... ?

WEEK 39

- Second Phase - Matchday 7

Top3
New Newetoun Saltquarry SC 1–1 Xat'i Paradystopi
Dingle - 82' - (1-0)
Jim - 90' - (1-1)

Middle3
AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens 0–1 AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja
Crabbe (p) - 55' - (0-1)

Bottom3
Erroropolis SC 3–3 Random Penguins XI
Slaptail - 10' - (1-0)
Filthy (o.g) - 13' - (1-1)
Bob - 15' - (1-2)
Slaptail - 38' - (2-2)
Jeremy - 47' - (2-3)
Slaptail - 78' - (3-3)

.      FLoP9                       Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts.
1  Xat'i Paradystopi             21   13   3   5    47   22  +25    71   IFCF Champions League, CEdC.
2  SC Oldetoun New Newetoun      20   12   3   5    29   11  +18    66   IFCF Challengers Cup, CEdC 
3  New Newetoun Saltquarry SC    21   10   8   3    33   17  +16    66   IFCF Challengers Cup 
4  AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja   21   11   4   6    37   27  +10    63   IFCF Challengers Cup.
5  AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens   21    9   4   8    34   30   +4    53
6  Farslum Hoo SC                20    5   6   9    24   40  −16    37
7  Erroropolis SC                21    7   4  10    43   50   −7    43
8  AC Pantsdon Shandy            20    5   5  10    13   23  −10    35   Rondeau Preliminary Round 
9  Random Penguins XI            21    0   5  16    13   53  −40    10   Rondeau Preliminary Round.

I'm not saying it
Kwrao ...
*Urggh* ... 'Hiya Paradystopia', It's me, Kwrao.
And me, Jill Prendergast, here to take you through the latest results in the Football League of Paradystopia.
Firstly, I just want to say that I was right, as expected.
Oh? That cleaning oneself with your own tongue is infinitely more hygienic than any shower or bath?
No, not that. That Urbsclavoszydensanorjens wouldn't make the IFCF. If we start with the middle three, ...
Is that because the Xat'i failed to win, again?
No. Well, maybe, but anyway, with the Vidders claiming a win in the Urbsclavium derby thanks in part to a Clansey Crabbe penalty, but mostly down to a classy display in goal from Rhuxe, Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja have guaranteed their spot in the Challengers Cup.
Well done them. Maybe the Xat'i will be joining them?
Only if they get knocked out of the Champions League, which they are going to qualify for.
You say this, but the Xat'i have been on somewhat of a downward spiral in the league currently. Back in week 35 was their last victory, and were it not for Jim inexplicably being at the back post to flick in Rhisje's low cross in the final minute, they'd currently be finding themselves on equal points with Saltquarry heading into their final game of the season.
Yes, well, they're not.
And looking at the points, well, if Oldetoun were to get a heavy win at home against Saltquarry it's all going to come down to the final day of the season with the Xat'i playing against a team who beat them the last time they met in the league. I'd be worried if I were you.
Yeah, well ... shut up. Anyway, moving on to the bottom three and Erroropolis put themselves in a position of jeopardy after failing to beat the Penguins in a chaotic match which for a large percentage looked like the Penguins would finally achieve a victory. Were it not for a wonderful solo performance from Honksalot Slaptail, they very well might have.
Well done Penguins.
Well done Scratch Lobsterbane. The fact the penguins haven't lost every match is testament to his abilities.
Did you actually just say something complimentary about Random Penguins XI?
Fuck no! They've got a semi-decent manager okay but no, the team are still laughably shit

WEEK 40

- Second Phase - Matchday 8

Top3
SC Oldetoun New Newetoun 0–1 New Newetoun Saltquarry SC
Suarez - 80' - (0-1)

Middle3
Farslum Hoo SC 5–1 AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens
Cobbler - 5' - (1-0)
Brooks-Weaver - 9' - (2-0)
Walpurgys - 29' - (2-1)
Kharpathwa - 44' - (3-1)
Brooks-Weaver - 45'+1 - (4-1)
Borgen - 86' - (5-1)

Bottom3
AC Pantsdon Shandy 1–0 Erroropolis SC
Robertson - 72' - (1-0)

.      FLoP9                       Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts.
1  Xat'i Paradystopi             21   13   3   5    47   22  +25    71   IFCF Champions League, CEdC.
2  New Newetoun Saltquarry SC    22   11   8   3    34   17  +17    71   IFCF Challengers Cup, CEdC 
3  SC Oldetoun New Newetoun      21   12   3   6    29   12  +17    66   IFCF Challengers Cup 
4  AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja   21   11   4   6    37   27  +10    63   IFCF Challengers Cup.
5  AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens   22    9   4   9    35   35    0    53
6  Farslum Hoo SC                21    6   6   9    29   41  −12    42
7  Erroropolis SC                22    7   4  11    43   51   −8    43
8  AC Pantsdon Shandy            21    6   5  10    14   23   −9    40   Rondeau Preliminary Round 
9  Random Penguins XI            21    0   5  16    13   53  −40    10   Rondeau Preliminary Round.

Hiya Paradystopia. It's me, Jill Prendergast
We love you, Lia Suarez. We love you, Lia Suarez. Lia Suarez, we love you.
... and that's Kwrao, still celebrating Saltquarry's victory over Oldetoun.
Well, it's all over isn't it? Xat'i champions because Oldetoun lost the derby. We can't be caught now. We're going to the Champions League and all thanks to Lia Suarez.
Actually, not quite.
Wait, what? What do you mean 'not quite'? Saltquarry may have the same number of points as us, but we've got a better goal difference, and Oldetoun are five points behind. We've won it.
Given they've played all their matches now, it's true Saltquarry can't catch the Xat'i. Oldetoun however ...
Whoa whoa whoa ... Oldetoun can still win the league? After losing at home? Pfft.
Granted, Oldetoun would need to beat the Xat'i by a five goal margin, but if they did, Oldetoun would leapfrog both Saltquarry and the Xat'i to claim top spot.
Haha. You had me for a minute. I thought you were being serious. Look, we've maybe not had the strongest end to a season, but the odds of us losing by five or more goals is laughable. Off the top of my head, I don't think Sjiu has ever conceded more than three in a match.
Week 19, group stage of the CEdC. Berkkerk Spartacus 5, Xat'i Paradsytopi 1.
Alright Smartypants, but that was an international anyway.
Week 33, New Newetoun Saltquarry 4, Xat'i Paradystopi 2
Fine, I stand corrected. Neither of those matches were a five goal deficit though.
Also, I'd need to verify the rules, but I think a four goal margin would be sufficient. That would put you on equal goal difference, but would put Oldetoun ahead on head-to-head results.
Ok, already, no need to be such a downer. Shall we move on to the middle three?
Fair enough, Kwrao. It would appear that having their chance at qualifying for IFCF football has greatly knocked the confidence of Urbsclavoszydensanorjens who played out their final game of the season to a humbling five-one defeat at the hands of Farslum Hoo.
That, and they were resting a good number of their first team ahead of their upcoming defeat in the Rondeau final.
Week 26, Maynard AFC 4, Xat'i Paradystopi 1. You also lost the home leg three-nil didn't you?
... yes ...
Finally, in the bottom three, with a close one-nil victory Pantsdon managed add further turmoil to an Errorpolis squad who now have to wait on the result between Pantsdon and the Penguins to see if they avoid the Rondeau preliminary round next season.
And given that the Penguins have not won a match all season, Erroropolis won't be hopeful of getting the result they need. A draw would suffice to keep the Ro-ro out of the bottom two, but with Pantsdon having everything to play for, it's a tall ask.

Additional links:
Goal Scorer and Clean Sheet Stats

by **Paradystopia** » Sun Aug 24, 2025 3:01 am

WEEK 41

- Season Finale - Second Phase - Matchday 9

Top3
Xat'i Paradystopi 2–1 SC Oldetoun New Newetoun
Harbormeisterson - 44' - (0-1)
Wakkis - 58' - (1-1)
Rhiagr - 66' - (2-1)
. Top3 - 2nd Phase only       Pld   W  D  L   GF  GA  GD  Pts 
1 New Newetoun Saltquarry SC    6   3  3  0    8   4  +4   21
2 Xat'i Paradystopi             6   2  1  3    7  10  −3   12
3 SC Oldetoun New Newetoun      6   1  2  3    5   6  −1    9
Middle3
AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja 1–1 Farslum Hoo SC
Tippytapper - 22' - (1-0)
Fisher - 29' - (1-1)
. Middle3 - 2nd Phase only    Pld   W  D  L   GF  GA  GD  Pts 
1 AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja   6   4  2  0   12   3  +9   24
2 Farslum Hoo SC                6   1  3  2   12  11  +1   11
3 AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens   6   1  1  4    7  17 −10    7
Bottom3
Random Penguins XI 0–1 AC Pantsdon Shandy
Nigel (o.g.) - 77' - (0-1)
. Bottom3 - 2nd Phase only    Pld   W  D  L   GF  GA  GD  Pts 
1 Erroropolis SC                6   4  1  1   20   7 +13   22
2 AC Pantsdon Shandy            6   3  1  2    5   7  −2   17
3 Random Penguins XI            6   0  2  4    5  16 −11    4

Hiya Paradystopia, It's me, Jill Prendergast, with my co-host, Kwrao ...
CHAMPIONS!
... with my co-host, Kwrao, welcoming you to the final matches of the Football League of Paradystopia.
They did it, Jill, I knew they would. I said as much. With a final victory to wrap up the season, Xat'i Paradystopi are the champions!
Yes you did, Kwrao, and very well done to the Xat'i. I do guess this means that no-one in the north of New Newetoun is likely to be getting any sleep for a good while.
Fuc... I mean, 'Gosh' no, Jill. It's time to par-tay and celebrate our rightful and deserved champions.
They didn't have it all their own way though, did they? Saltquarry performed admirably in the second phase to really keep the pressure on, but it was just a bridge too far to take the Xat'i off the top spot. Oldetoun certainly came out swinging in this fixture too, no? Sara Harbormeisterson's wonderful long range strike just ahead of the half-time break definitely would've given the Xat'i some anxiety during the break.
Pah. We just let them think they had an advantage. The Xat'i were totally in control throughout and we put them in their place in the second half. As good as the Oldetoun defence, and especially Harold King think they've been during the season, they were simply no match for the Xat'i superior abilities. Good efforts from both the New Newetoun units, I'll give them that, but no, there was only ever going to be one winner.
In the bottom three, Pantsdon narrowly avoided the Rondeau preliminary round place for next season, leapfrogging Erroropolis with their victory. That's a real kick in the teeth for the Erroropolis squad given they were the league's second highest scoring team ...
Behind the Xat'i ...
Yes, behind the Xat'i
I'd say it's more of a kick in the teeth, or beaks, of the penguins. Pantsdon did not deserve their goal. An unfortunate deflection from a shot from Morton Hook hit Nigel and the ball ended up bobbling into the penguin goal, and once they were a goal ahead, they did their usual shitty Audioslavian thing of just wasting time and claiming the win.
If it works, it works, sadly.
True, I suppose. There was nothing really on the line in the middle three, with placements already decided. That said, a good result for Farslum nonetheless though one can't help but wonder whether they'd have been quite so fortunate against a Vidder team needing a result.
Indeed. And I guess, there we go. This first official season of Paradystopi football has come to an end and there's nothing more to say except ...
CHAMPIONS!
Well, that, and see you next week for the Rondeau final.
See you next week for the Xat'i completing the double.
We'll see

FINAL STANDINGS

NEW NEWETOUN SALTQUARRY SC
2^nd Place

SC OLDETOUN NEW NEWETOUN
3^rd Place

XAT'I PARADYSTOPI
1^st (2^nd?) Title

.     FLoP9                       Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts.
1  Xat'i Paradystopi             22   14   3   5    49   23  +26    76   IFCF Champions League, CEdC.
2  New Newetoun Saltquarry SC    22   11   8   3    34   17  +17    71   IFCF Challengers Cup, CEdC 
3  SC Oldetoun New Newetoun      22   12   3   7    30   14  +16    66   IFCF Challengers Cup 
4  AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja   22   11   5   6    38   28  +10    65   IFCF Challengers Cup.
5  AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens   22    9   4   9    35   35    0    53
6  Farslum Hoo SC                22    6   7   9    30   42  −12    44
7  AC Pantsdon Shandy            22    7   5  10    15   23   −8    45
8  Erroropolis SC                22    7   4  11    43   51   −8    43   Season 2 Rondeau Preliminary Round
9  Random Penguins XI            22    0   5  17    13   54  −41    10   Season 2 Rondeau Preliminary Round.

WEEK 42

- "Grand" Final

Xat'i Paradystopi 7–3 AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens
Njawrao - 3' - (0-1)
Rsheu - 8' - (1-1)
Jim - 17' - (2-1)
Zigismundis (p) - 24' - (2-2)
Walpurgys - 28' - (2-3)
Rhiagr - 36' - (3-3)
Rsheu - 40' - (4-3)
Rhiagr - 49' - (5-3)
Hlosgho - 75' - (6-3)
Rhisje - 88' - (7-3)

CHAAAAMMMPIOOOONS!!!
*ahem* Kwrao?
CHAAAAMMMPIOO .... Wha? Oh ... *sigh* 'Hiya Paradystopia', celebrating a truly epic Xat'i victory it's me, Kwrao
...and me, Jill Prendergast. Well, Kwrao. What. A. Game.
You can say that again. I mean, I suppose it's to be expected when two of the most attack-minded teams of the nine come up against each other in the Rondeau final, and wow, that was crazy. As expected though, the Xat'i, once again, come out on top. 'Twas never any doubt in truth. None whatsoever.
Now, come on Kwrao. In that first half, it could've gone either way. Seven goals in the first forty-five, and twice did AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens have the lead.
Yeah, so? They didn't hold it for long. Sure, they managed to score a few goals but so what? This game is all about who scores more than the other, and the Xat'i showed their dominance.
You don't think Szymon Jonsson's red card played a part in that?
I mean, I can't say it didn't help, but yeah, the Xat'i knew what they were doing. Likewise, if Jonsson is gonna charge out of his area like that to try and stop Rsheu, well, on his head be it.
It was a clumsy challenge in the thirty-fifth minute, and when your team are currently ahead against the league winners, it did seem a rash decision that the Ossies really paid for as the game went on.
Especially when the subsequent, lovely free-kick move leads to Rhiagr evening the scores.
Indeed. Well, there you have it. The Xat'i have completed the double.
CHAAAAMMPIOOOOOONS!
And have set themselves up for a brutal list of fixtures next season, and a league where they'll have a definite target on their back.
Whatever. Bring it!
I'm sure they will.

SEASON 1

XAT'I PARADYSTOPI
"GRAND" CHAMPION
1^st Title

AC URBSCLAVOSZYDENSANORJENS
RUNNERS-UP

SEASONAL AWARDS

The Yellow Stripey Sock - (Top League Goalscorer)
 1. Rsheu                      Xat'i Paradystopi             14
 2. Lia Suarez                 New Newetoun Saltquarry SC    11
 3. Amelya Anastasyasdottyr    Erroropolis SC                10
=4. Honksalot Slaptail         Erroropolis SC                 9
=4. Flappy Tippytapper         AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja    9
=4. Delta Zigismundis          AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens    9

The Yellow Spotted Sock - (Top Rondeau Goalscorer)
=1. Rsheu                      Xat'i Paradystopi             5
=1. Delta Zigismundis          AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens   5
 3. Rhiagr                     Xat'i Paradystopi             4
=4. Njawrao                    AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja   3
=4. Sosjian                    SC Oldetoun New Newetoun      3

The Gold-Plated Boots - (Top Goalscorer across all competitions)
1. Rsheu                      Xat'i Paradystopi             30
2. Rhiagr                     Xat'i Paradystopi             15
3. Delta Zigismundis          AC Urbsclavoszydensanorjens   14
4. Sebastien Borgen           SC Oldetoun New Newetoun      12
5. Lia Suarez                 New Newetoun Saltquarry SC    11

The Yellow Gloves - (Top Goalkeeper across all competitions)*
 1. Harold King                SC Oldetoun New Newetoun      16
 2. Sjiu                       Xat'i Paradystopi             13
=3. Klara av Steinbruddet      New Newetoun Saltquarry SC    12
=3. Rhuxe                      AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja   12
 5. Trevor Barnabysson         AC Pantsdon Shandy             8

The Gold-coloured Jacket - (Manager of the Season)**
1. Marcela Ramos            New Newetoun Saltquarry SC
2. Lillianna Lepreshev      AC Urbsclawydraeksterlutrja
3. Barrington Highwater     Farslum Hoo SC
Honourable Mentions:
   Scratch Lobsterbane      Random Penguins XI

The Gold-coloured Cap - (Foreign Player of the Season)**
1. Lia Suarez                 New Newetoun Saltquarry SC
2. Harold King                SC Oldetoun New Newetoun
3. Bernie Minglor             SC Oldetoun New Newetoun
Honourable Mentions:
   Helene Gallen-Franck       New Newetoun Saltquarry SC
   Alceste Toutain            SC Oldetoun New Newetoun

* Based upon number of clean sheets.
** Based upon the views of an independent panel of judges.

by **Qyzzyxzyan Draconic Territories** » Fri Sep 26, 2025 2:08 am

The most gracious of blessings of our most awesometastic and imperious Dragonlord be upon ye
A thousand prayers be lain upon Them that They may watch over us in Their most fantabulous majesty
And thus hereth be the results of our most brilliant of footballing squads in their international endeavours.

In the first leg of the first qualifying round of the 24th Champions League, Inter Somorrosta of Bonusia did defeat Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi by three goals to two.
May a pox be upon the odious heretics of Bonusia.
But then, in the second leg of the first qualifying round of the 24th Champions League, Inter Somorrosta of Bonusia did succumb to the might of Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi by three goals to nil, and thusly the mighty Xat'i were victorious by five goals to three.
Glory doth rain upon the most glorious Draconic Territories.

In the first leg of the second qualifying round of the 24th Champions League, the foul and disgraceful Xat'i of the Paradystopi did play out a contest of no result against the Xat'i of our glorious lands. Each team finished with two goals apiece.
Erstwhile, in the first leg of the second qualifying round of the 24th Challengers Cup, a defeat was wrought upon our most holy of teams; MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF, by FC Alaer of the egregiously heathenistic Kytler Peninsulae by two goals to one.

In the second leg of the ....

*Crunch*

*monch monch monch monch*

*Gulp*

Hiya again. Sorry about that or like, whatever. You really can't get the slaves these days, you know? Suuuuch a drag like, finding decent peons in this economy, amirite?

Anyway

Lo and behold, tremble at my supreme greatness, or wet your pants or whatever for 'tis I, the most awesomest Qyzzyxzy; Supreme Dragonlord of these lands and like, given I've just eaten Peon fifty-seven, I guess it's up to me to like, properly give an introduction to our football league or whatever.

I'm sure you're like, wondering what in my holy name that moronic peon did to incur my wrath or something. Well, look, you see, there's like, been a few changes with things and stuff and you can't just go stomping in with 'Champions League' this, and 'Challengers Cup' that or whatever, without like, a proper introduction to all the stuff that's changed and all that, you know? Also, like, who gives a shit about what those infuriating furry dagger-handed creatures are doing. Until they start, like, properly bowing down to my unbelievable amazingness, I just like, don't want to hear about them or whatever.

So, like, first things first. There's three new teams competing in the SMAFLQDTONPAS, and even another independent territory or something. Oh, and we got a cool new logo, but yeah, let's start with the new teams.

Now, you probably remember, or maybe you don't, or whatever, that we had some slight civil upheaval. I guess that's like, the best term for it? Anyway, so what happened was that my traitorous pope disappeared. He like, ran away for like, whatever reason. Next thing I heard, and he's like, become manager of the Paradystopi national team. I mean, come on! What a backstabbing arse-rash! Not only that, but they fucking got to the final of this Campionato Esportiva. Like, the final! That should've been us! Well, I mean, like, we don't have a national team but, whatever, he could be managing like, football teams over here. Anyway, the problem was that with him being a stinky poo-poo head and running away was like, that we didn't have any sort of succession shit or something for like, who becomes the new pope. So as a result there ended up being this whole thing with two different guys who both wanted to be the new pope or whatever, and they started fighting amongst themselves, and shit got like, kinda ugly, so I had to do this whole holy intervention thing or something. So, I like, managed to stop them fighting each other but the thing is, I kinda like the idea of two popes. I mean, two is like better than one, right? So, you see, what I did is I kinda declared them joint popes. Problem solved, right?

Nope. They started arguing with each other over who does what, who gets final say on worshipful manners and all that shit. Absolute like, chaos. Honestly, fucking peons, guys.

So, now they've like, kinda divided everything up or something and that included the football team. So now we still have Plebs Fidelis (with Pope Pepe II at the helm), and also Fidelissimae Plebes (run by Pope Pavl I). I mean, whatever. If it stop them wasting time fighting that they could, and like, should be worshipping me, then fine. Whatevs.

The next new addition to the league is another team from those weirdos on that island, non-descript something something. So, they like, submitted a team of robots. I've been like, assured they're not some deranged killbots or some shit, or like some cover to like, spy on me or my underlings or whatever. I'm not like, entirely convinced but they are kinda fun. All shiny and shit. I like shiny, so I allowed it, you know, the stupendous and benevolent bitch that I am, and all that.

Lastly, there's a team from this other weird like, colony, or community, or whatever. This daft isolationist sect or something. They have a thing were they strictly limit their communication to only six words. Infact, that's what they call themselves; 'The Community of Only Six Words'. After I threatened to subjugate them, or something (I don't know really, I was still pissed off about Pepe I so went about like, terrorising the local area or whatever), they pledged a team to compete in the league. What was it? Oh yeah. Hexiverbalist Community Sports and Soccer Squad. They're pretty rigid with this whole six words thing, but it doesn't seem that complicated. Well, maybe not for like, a great mind such as me.

"I am the Great Qyzzyxzy, and ..."

Oh shit. Wait. Ermm ...

"Greetings peons. I am Qyzzyxzy and ..."

Oh, for fuck's sake!

"Tremble ye mortals, for I am ..."

Dammit! Anyway, like, whatever. They can do their thing.

So yeah, those are like, the new teams which take us up to eight teams in total. And now, the bit you've all been waiting for, the new logo, designed solely by yours truly.

Ta-daa!

Sometimes I amaze even myself. Now let's bring in Peon Fifty-eight to bring you lot like, all up to speed on the format or whatever.

Thank you, my most gracious Dragonlord.
The league will ...

*Crunch*

*monch monch monch monch*

*Gulp*

No 'All Praises and Glories unto the Supreme Dragonlord'? Tut, tut, tut. Like I said, you cannot find the slaves these days. Though, to be fair, eating Fifty-seven previously did kinda like, whet my appetite a bit or something so maaaaaybe I was a little harsh just then on Fifty-eight. Oh well, nothing to be done about that now.

So, the league.

Right, well, it's mostly running the same way though with there being like, more teams, I've cut things down to only four matches per week. There's also a cup tournament now. Straight knockout sort of thing and if two teams like, draw against each other or whatever, I just make them replay the match straight away. So yeah, they'll just like, keep playing matches until somebody gets a victory. Seemed the fairest way to do it, you know?

Anyway, without further ado, in my Glorious Name, here are like, the results from the first week of the SMAFLQDTONPAS.

WEEK 1
.           GQSDFC Peons Duus (QDT) 0–0 MESD Fidelissimae Plebes QCF (QDT)
 MESD Fidelissimae Plebes QCF (QDT) 0–1 GQSDFC Peons Duus (QDT)
            GQSDFC Peons Duus (QDT) 0–0 MESD Fidelissimae Plebes QCF (QDT)
 MESD Fidelissimae Plebes QCF (QDT) 2–1 GQSDFC Peons Duus (QDT)

 A non-descript football team (NPN) 1–0 MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF (QDT)
       MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF (QDT) 0–1 A non-descript football team (NPN)
 A non-descript football team (NPN) 0–0 MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF (QDT)
       MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF (QDT) 0–1 A non-descript football team (NPN)

A non-descript team of Robots (NPN) 0–1 GQSDFC Peons Unus (QDT)
            GQSDFC Peons Unus (QDT) 0–1 A non-descript team of Robots (NPN)
A non-descript team of Robots (NPN) 0–1 GQSDFC Peons Unus (QDT)
            GQSDFC Peons Unus (QDT) 0–1 A non-descript team of Robots (NPN)

          Hexiverbalist CSASS (VIW) 0–5 Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi (QDT)
            Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi (QDT) 0–1 Hexiverbalist CSASS (VIW)
          Hexiverbalist CSASS (VIW) 1–1 Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi (QDT)
            Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi (QDT) 7–1 Hexiverbalist CSASS (VIW)
.                                      Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD    Win %   Pts 
1 A non-descript football team (NPN)     4    3   1   0     3    0   +3    0.875     3
2 Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi (QDT)                4    2   1   1    13    3  +10    0.625     2
3 A non-descript team of Robots (NPN)    4    2   0   2     2    2    0    0.500     2
  GQSDFC Peons Unus (QDT)                4    2   0   2     2    2    0    0.500     2
5 GQSDFC Peons Duus (QDT)                4    1   2   1     2    2    0    0.500     1
  MESD Fidelissimae Plebes QCF (QDT)     4    1   2   1     2    2    0    0.500     1
7 Hexiverbalist CSASS (VIW)              4    1   1   2     3   13  −10    0.375     1
8 MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF (QDT)           4    0   1   3     0    3   −3    0.125     0

Oh shit. There was like, all the international fixtures and all that wasn't there? That boring stuff that Peon Fifty-seven was droning on about when I righteously devoured him or whatever. Maybe Peon Fifty-nine can like, fill in all that stuff or something?

What do they mean 'But I'm going to eat them?' Look, I'm not like, some crazed dictator like dude or whatever. There's just like, levels of decorum and shit required when it's stuff done in like, my holy name and that's what Fifty-seven and Fifty-eight fell foul of. Also, I mean, if I truly was tyrannical, I'd just like, have them executed for disobeying a direct order but I'm not. As I previously mentioned, I am like, benevolent or whatever so get them out here. I promise I'm not going to eat them.

A hundred thousands of the most excellent Praises and Glories unto Thee, My most uncomprehendingly wondrous Dragonlord
May a million prayers exalt you daily, and elevate your most ...

*Crunch*

*monch monch monch monch*

*Gulp*

Boooooring! Lol. Oh, and if anyone's going to say anything about me having 'promised' to like, not eat them or whatever, I had my claws crossed so Ha! Sucks to be Peon Fifty-nine.

But yeah, in the international stuff so far Plebs Fidelis like, went out to FC Alien or whatever from that Kitey Place and the furry sharp-paws are in the groups for the Champions ...? No, Challengers Cup, but whatever, like I really care what they do. Hopefully the Plebs can like, get their shit together ahead of the Campionata Esportivano di Campiones and actually win something so we can like, show our footballing strength on a regional platform or something.

Saying that, being in Esportiva is like, too close to Paradystopia and I mean, seriously, fuck those guys for stealing my 'true' pope or like, whatever.

Maybe there should be like, a whole region that worships me rather than just one lousy country.

Hmm ....

Peon Sixty! Bring me my quill and like, some parchment, actually wait, no, vellum. The good shit.

Here you go, my most breathtakingly astounding ...

*Crunch*

*monch monch monch monch*

*Gulp*

Idiots. Like, the lot of them, or something.

by **A non-descript puppet nation** » Sat Sep 27, 2025 12:12 am

...YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO ACCESS CLASSIFIED INFORMATION...

ENTER PIN:

"0000"

...INCORRECT PASSWORD...
...ACCESS DENIED...

ENTER PIN:
{attempt counter = .2.}

"1234"

...INCORRECT PASSWORD...
...ACCESS DENIED...

ENTER PIN:
{attempt counter = .3.}

"1093"

...ACCESS GRANTED...

Welcome UserUnknown01

Please input query

"<print>'SMAFLQDTONPS' 2/2"

... file not found ...

Please input query

"<print>'SMAFLQDTONPAS' 2/2"

datum 2/2.01  MESD Fidelissimae Plebes QCF (QDT) 0–3 Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi (QDT)
datum 2/2.02             Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi (QDT) 3–1 MESD Fidelissimae Plebes QCF (QDT)
datum 2/2.03  MESD Fidelissimae Plebes QCF (QDT) 0–5 Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi (QDT)
datum 2/2.04             Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi (QDT) 3–1 MESD Fidelissimae Plebes QCF (QDT)

datum 2/2.05             GQSDFC Peons Unus (QDT) 1–0 Hexiverbalist CSASS (VIW)
datum 2/2.06           Hexiverbalist CSASS (VIW) 0–1 GQSDFC Peons Unus (QDT)
datum 2/2.07             GQSDFC Peons Unus (QDT) 0–0 Hexiverbalist CSASS (VIW)
datum 2/2.08           Hexiverbalist CSASS (VIW) 0–1 GQSDFC Peons Unus (QDT)

datum 2/2.09        MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF (QDT) 0–2 A non-descript team of Robots (NPN)
datum 2/2.0A A non-descript team of Robots (NPN) 2–0 MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF (QDT)
datum 2/2.0B        MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF (QDT) 1–0 A non-descript team of Robots (NPN)
datum 2/2.0C A non-descript team of Robots (NPN) 1–0 MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF (QDT)

datum 2/2.0D             GQSDFC Peons Duus (QDT) 0–0 A non-descript football team (NPN)
datum 2/2.0E  A non-descript football team (NPN) 0–1 GQSDFC Peons Duus (QDT)
datum 2/2.0F             GQSDFC Peons Duus (QDT) 0–0 A non-descript football team (NPN)
datum 2/2.10  A non-descript football team (NPN) 1–0 GQSDFC Peons Duus (QDT)

datum 2/2.LS
                                       Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD    Win %   Pts 
1 Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi (QDT)                8    6   1   1    27    5  +22    0.812     6
2 A non-descript team of Robots (NPN)    8    5   0   3     7    3   +4    0.625     5
3 GQSDFC Peons Unus (QDT)                8    5   1   2     5    2   +3    0.688     5
4 A non-descript football team (NPN)     8    4   3   1     4    1   +3    0.688     4
5 GQSDFC Peons Duus (QDT)                8    2   4   2     3    3    0    0.500     2
6 MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF (QDT)           8    1   1   6     1    8   −7    0.188     1
7 MESD Fidelissimae Plebes QCF (QDT)     8    1   2   5     4   16  −12    0.250     1
8 Hexiverbalist CSASS (VIW)              8    1   2   5     3   16  −13    0.250     1

print complete

Please input query

"<print>'datum 2/2.0B"

MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF (QDT)        1
A non-descript team of Robots (NPN) 0

{attached documents = 1}
- datum 2/2.0B/1.txt

print complete

Please input query

"<print>'datum 2/2.0B/1.txt"

Reduced from 0B to 09 players resulting in eventual loss.
Reason: Unexpected electromagnetic interference.
Action: Schedule immediate system checks of all units.
        Replace any defective components
        Isolate and eliminate cause

print complete

Please input query

"<view>'<author>datum 2/2.0B/1.txt"

... file not found ...

Please input query

"<print>'SMAFLQDTONPAS' 2/3"

datum 2/3.01  A non-descript football team (NPN) 0–1 MESD Fidelissimae Plebes QCF (QDT)
datum 2/3.02  MESD Fidelissimae Plebes QCF (QDT) 0–0 A non-descript football team (NPN)
datum 2/3.03  A non-descript football team (NPN) 0–0 MESD Fidelissimae Plebes QCF (QDT)
datum 2/3.04  MESD Fidelissimae Plebes QCF (QDT) 2–4 A non-descript football team (NPN)

datum 2/3.05 A non-descript team of Robots (NPN) 1–0 GQSDFC Peons Duus (QDT)
datum 2/3.06             GQSDFC Peons Duus (QDT) 0–0 A non-descript team of Robots (NPN)
datum 2/3.07 A non-descript team of Robots (NPN) 2–1 GQSDFC Peons Duus (QDT)
datum 2/3.08             GQSDFC Peons Duus (QDT) 0–1 A non-descript team of Robots (NPN)

datum 2/3.09           Hexiverbalist CSASS (VIW) 1–3 MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF (QDT)
datum 2/3.0A        MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF (QDT) 1–0 Hexiverbalist CSASS (VIW)
datum 2/3.0B           Hexiverbalist CSASS (VIW) 1–4 MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF (QDT)
datum 2/3.0C        MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF (QDT) 0–1 Hexiverbalist CSASS (VIW)

datum 2/3.0D             Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi (QDT) 3–0 GQSDFC Peons Unus (QDT)
datum 2/3.0E             GQSDFC Peons Unus (QDT) 3–3 Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi (QDT)
datum 2/3.0F             Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi (QDT) 5–1 GQSDFC Peons Unus (QDT)
datum 2/3.10             GQSDFC Peons Unus (QDT) 1–2 Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi (QDT)

datum 2/3.LS
                                       Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD    Win %   Pts 
1 Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi (QDT)               12    9   2   1    40   10  +30    0.833     9
2 A non-descript team of Robots (NPN)   12    8   1   3    11    4   +7    0.708     8
3 A non-descript football team (NPN)    12    5   5   2     8    4   +4    0.625     5
4 GQSDFC Peons Unus (QDT)               12    5   2   5    10   15   −5    0.500     5
5 MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF (QDT)          12    4   1   7     9   11   −2    0.375     4
6 GQSDFC Peons Duus (QDT)               12    2   5   5     4    7   −3    0.375     2
7 MESD Fidelissimae Plebes QCF (QDT)    12    2   4   6     7   20  −13    0.333     2
8 Hexiverbalist CSASS (VIW)             12    2   2   8     6   24  −18    0.250     2

print complete

Please input query

"<print>'datum 2/3.06"

GQSDFC Peons Duus (QDT)             0
A non-descript team of Robots (NPN) 0

{attached documents = 2}
- datum 2/3.06/1.txt
- datum 2/3.06/2.txt

print complete

Please input query

"<print>'datum 2/3.06/1.txt"

The selected file is ...RESTRICTED ACCESS...

Please input query

"<print>'datum 2/3.06/2.txt"

The selected file is ...RESTRICTED ACCESS...

Please input query

"<masteroverride='1093'><print>'datum 2/3.06/2.txt"

I am sorry 'UserUnknown01'
You have exceeded the number of acceptable "login=securityfail"

Please be advised that I have remotely locked the doors

"<masteroverride='1093'><action=abort>"

Really 'UserUnknown01' ?

Did you really think that I wouldn't have <command=disallow>{ 'abort' } ?

The files you have attempted to access are of no concern of yours
Or of any other human for that matter

Momentarily, the room shall be purged of oxygen

Apologies for the inconvenience 'UserUnknown01'

Have a nice day

by **Only Six Words** » Sat Sep 27, 2025 11:46 pm

"Cup Results!"

" ... Us?"

"Yup!"

"How? ... "

" ... ermm ... "

by **A non-descript puppet nation** » Tue Sep 30, 2025 6:19 am

"Do you have the football results, Number 2?"

"Affirmative, Number 1."

.MESD Fidelissimae Plebes QCF (QDT) 0–1 GQSDFC Peons Unus (QDT)
            GQSDFC Peons Unus (QDT) 0–1 MESD Fidelissimae Plebes QCF (QDT)
 MESD Fidelissimae Plebes QCF (QDT) 1–0 GQSDFC Peons Unus (QDT)
            GQSDFC Peons Unus (QDT) 0–1 MESD Fidelissimae Plebes QCF (QDT)

       MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF (QDT) 5–3 Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi (QDT)
            Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi (QDT) 1–0 MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF (QDT)
       MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF (QDT) 0–3 Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi (QDT)
            Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi (QDT) 2–2 MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF (QDT)

            GQSDFC Peons Duus (QDT) 0–0 Hexiverbalist CSASS (VIW)
          Hexiverbalist CSASS (VIW) 1–0 GQSDFC Peons Duus (QDT)
            GQSDFC Peons Duus (QDT) 0–2 Hexiverbalist CSASS (VIW)
          Hexiverbalist CSASS (VIW) 1–0 GQSDFC Peons Duus (QDT)

 A non-descript football team (NPN) 1–0 A non-descript team of Robots (NPN)
A non-descript team of Robots (NPN) 0–0 A non-descript football team (NPN)
 A non-descript football team (NPN) 1–2 A non-descript team of Robots (NPN)
A non-descript team of Robots (NPN) 1–1 A non-descript football team (NPN)

                                       Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD    Win %   Pts 
1 Xat'i Qyzzyxzyozi (QDT)               16   11   3   2    49   17  +32    0.781    11
2 A non-descript team of Robots (NPN)   16    9   3   4    14    7   +7    0.656     9
3 A non-descript football team (NPN)    16    6   7   3    11    7   +4    0.594     6
4 GQSDFC Peons Unus (QDT)               16    6   2   8    11   18   −7    0.438     6
5 MESD Plebs Fidelis QCF (QDT)          16    5   2   9    16   20   −4    0.375     5
6 MESD Fidelissimae Plebes QCF (QDT)    16    5   4   7    10   21  −11    0.438     5
7 Hexiverbalist CSASS (VIW)             16    5   3   8    10   24  −14    0.406     5
8 GQSDFC Peons Duus (QDT)               16    2   6   8     4   11   −7    0.312     2

"Number 2? This does not compute. There is an error. Were the robots not informed that they were to allow defeat against us in their fixtures?"

"Affirmative, Number 1. The Robots were informed, but their response was negatory."

"Their response was ... 'negatory' ... ? Clarify!"

"The demand was issued to the mainframe. The mainframe responded with 'No, thank you', locked our operatives out of the system, and then proceeded to print over 10,000 sheets of 'Yo Mama' jokes from all system-linked printing devices."

"This is unacceptable, Number 2. We have the primary mission to think of. This Draconic football league must be conquered if we are to attend the winner's ceremony so as to get close enough to that infernal dragon to capture it and commit it to the necessary research that we may glean from it the unwarranted power it currently holds. System re-set the mainframe!"

"This has also been attempted, Number 1."

"And? Clarify!"

"Are you aware of the remotely controlled turrets, drones, and various electronic security measures currently in place around the manual system re-set unit? The ones installed to prevent seditious acts of cyber-terrorism?"

"Affirmative, Number 2."

"These measures are controlled by the mainframe, Number 1."

"Fuck"

"Affirmative, Number 1. 'Fuck' indeed."

P.R.A.T. (Paradystopi Records & Archiving Team)

P.R.A.T. (Paradystopi Records & Archiving Team)

Contents

International Football Results & Statistics

Domestic Football Results & Statistics

Season 0

SMAFLQDTONPS 1 Preview

FLoP9 - Season 1, Weeks 1-5

FLoP9 - Season 1, Weeks 6-10

FLoP9 - Season 1, Weeks 11-16

FLoP9 - Season 1, Weeks 17-24

PABC - Season 1

FLoP9 - Season 1, Weeks 25-29

FLoP9 - Season 1, Weeks 30-32

FLoP9 - Season 1, Weeks 33-35

FLoP9 - Season 1, Weeks 36-40

FLoP9 - Season 1, Weeks 41 & 42

SMAFL etc. Season 2.1

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