World Cup 85 || RP Thread

[Jeruselem]

Princess Katherine Annabelle Dallas and Boris Lancaster at Dazza Dallas Stadium after Jeruselem beat Acronius 3-0

Boris: I'm here!
Kate: You're late, at least you turned up.
Boris: Doesn't matter, I'm here
Kate: Well depends who you ask about that
Boris: So we ready for an interview?
Kate: It's bit noisy, wait for some of these people go home

Boris: So what were the other games like
Kate: Don't you have Internets?
Boris: Yes but that's for my secretary, it's her job
Kate: I guess you know we won 3-0
Boris: Yes, but I don't know the other results
Kate: Nevermind, anyway. Aimena beat Simpralia 3-0 not that the game mattered much to us.

Boris: Same Aimena who beat us 5-4?
Kate: Yes, same Aimena. But doesn't matter now. Darmen beat Welzat 6-1,
Boris: That's a worry, we can't have that.
Kate: Well they did win and it's a good thing we don't play them again.
Boris: I have to agree with that one.
Kate: South Charlia beat Nephara 3-2. Hang on, that right? That doesn't sound right. I'll make sure that's not a mistake.

* later *

Boris: Well
Kate: Apparently Nephara did lose to South Charlia ... well that's good for us!
Boris: Yes, it's fantastic for us. We could top the group
Kate: Competitive Solitaire drew 0-0 with Great Lausitz. Nothing special
Boris: They are eliminated anyway
Kate: Sarzonia drew 4-4 with Huayramarca. Well, it's OUR LUCK DAY.

Boris: Fantastic results.
Kate: Well, we have something to talk about today then.
Boris: Yes, apart from Darmen - great results.
Kate: Good thing we won then.
Boris: Yeah, that too.
Kate: The table should look better for us. Nephara 46, Jeruselem 38, Sarzonia 37, Darmen 35. The rest don't matter.

Boris: I can't read that. Those numbers are too small to read.
Kate: Then wear some bloody glasses you idiot
Boris: I got old eyes, I got an excuse.
Kate: No you don't, get glasses or contact lenses.
Boris: I'll be fine
Kate: Well, 8 points difference us and Nephara. We aren't going catch that up but at least we're back in 2nd spot. Mind you 2 points ahead of Darmen only.

Boris: I guess we're far from safe.
Kate: Duh, that was obvious.
Boris: You're not cold? It's a bit cold today. Not that you're wearing much.
Kate: Yeah it is a bit cold. But it's my job! I choose to do this, well. It would help if it was warmer.
Boris: I appreciate your efforts for furthering female nudity on TV
Kate: Thanks perv. Can you stop being touchy feely while you're on TV please.

Boris: You don't complain ...
Kate: Hey, just be professional while camera is turned on.
Boris: How come you don't complain
Kate: I don't know, I'm just used to being groped. It's kinda of normal. Hey, just keep your hands to yourself.
Boris: That's hard to do you know
Kate: Well just behave yourself.

Boris: Hey, there was huge orgy in Delaclava after our game apparently.
Kate: Oh that, I know. Because that Marco Hertel was there. We already know since he's a member of royal family.
Boris: So you didn't want to go?
Kate: I don't want Marco Hertel's children please
Boris: Oh yes, that would be awkward.
Kate: He's a bit too closely related to me anyway

Boris: Yeah but your cousin married one of your relatives
Kate: Oh Bianca, she's kind of related on the other branch. She's not that related.
Boris: A Dallas on the non-royal branch isn't that related then
Kate: They are related but it wouldn't be incestuous
Boris: So that how it works
Kate: Oi, don't touch that. You know where I'm talking about.

Boris: It was an accident.
Kate: Sure

OOC
Jeruselem 3–0 Acronius
Aimena 3–0 Simpralia
Darmen 6–1 Welzat
South Charlia 3–2 Nephara
Competitive Solitaire 0–0 Great Lausitz
Sarzonia 4–4 Huayramarca

[Commonwealth of Baker Park]

Six for Six--Commonwealth through to Finals
Scott McCrae
The Daily Mail Soccer Writer

There has been a confident, consistent focus throughout the FAC Development Center in Birkenfeld as the Qualifying for World Cup 85 has progressed from the opening match against Sharktail to the present.

It's on display at each break from the domestic season for international week duty, when the various members of the player pool gather for training; there is no end to the familiar embraces that occur throughout the playing squad that has been called in for the two match stint.

Once on the training pitch, everything seems like an entirely different world; there is verbal encouragement and pointed criticism in equal amounts, flashes of personality conflict and subtle rapprochement through the session.

The muted excitement and low key recognition of the Commonwealth's historic 200th match in the NS Sport era, a 2-0 win over Valladares at the Alexander I National Stadium in Swagard, ended up as a contrast to the mood of the same squad following the subsequent match at the BBP National Stadium against The Macabees.

The sides had met in the first half of this tournament--a 2-1 away win for BP--which replicated the result of their only other previous encounter, during World Cup 83 in Banija during the group stage.
There was a confident buzz among the spectators, anticipating that Baker Park would become the first nation to officially qualify for the World Cup Finals, hosted by Farfadillis and Mriin, with a victory.

The disappointment of the supporters following the 2-1 defeat was tied to not being able to be witnesses to history; the termination of the record 23 match unbeaten streak cast a low-key pall over the mood of the playing squad post-match.

But the two individuals who were least bothered by the result were the two men who mattered most: Manager Ichi Tuzzio and Assistant Manager Friekder Dandalleion.

A loss in a match that had very little real value to the squad as a whole was nothing to lose sleep over, and the Maestro made clear that he wouldn't be giving the match any further concern.

"I have felt like a short holiday is in order, so I will leave Jeanie-ver (Prescott, women's NT manager) & Will (Barnard, her assistant) to take the ladies to Bushkrub, as well as face Twicetragian [sic]"

This had been an idea discussed since the midpoint break--a chance for the AOCAF LX Bronze Medalists an opportunity to represent themselves in the qualifiers.

Although they didn't select the entire squad that had played in Farfadillis, there were enough ladies in the existing player pool to have a full compliment. Prescott and Will, along with Elaine King and Jessica Curran--the former Cassadaigan NT player and youth team manager who was on 'internship' at FAC--stressed that the situation was perfect: an away match with no pressure, not even televised at a time where anyone would be watching, and a chance to make history by extending the nation's record for qualifying.

There was not much left to chance, as the Black & Gold pushed their opponent from the Commonwealth's one time region--before they were chased out of it--The North Pacific into a self-preservation exercise from the kickoff; Missy Tilton, Lindsay Thompson and Angelique Underwood staked BP to a 3-0 lead within the first half hour, and Anna Porter knocked in fourth on 50 minutes.

At the final whistle, Baker Park were the second confirmed qualifier for the World Cup--joined by Banija approximately 10 hours later--and the celebration was boisterous, but appropriate to the reality on the ground; these women were a part of the effort, but most of them knew it didn't really belong to them. Only the surprise presence on the day by the Maestro himself added a special touch, as he thanked everyone involved--coaches, physios, equipment managers, players, support staff, the coach driver--before hitching a ride back to the Commonwealth on the charter flight.

[Sylestone]

Sylestone lost yet another match in Group Four, this time to Pot One side South Covello. The game started off with the Brick Wall letting a goal in in the third minute, but Sylestone fought back over the course of the rest of the first half with some good attacks, only to be stopped by some brilliant goalkeeping by the South Covello goalkeeper. It was a good showing by the Sylestoneans, who really proved their point against rank #17, although still coming last.
The second half saw a slow start until the Brick Wall saved what could well be the save of the Qualifiers, knocking the ball to the crossbar and then nearly breaking his hand-brick with a brilliant save after the South Covello striker booted another ball at the left post. These saves put Sylestone on a firm attack for the remaining half-hour, but the defence was strong and fortified and could not be broken.
Although it was a loss for the Sylestone side, Brick Wall certainly redeemed himself with some brilliant saves and good things about the game certainly outnumbered the bad. However, one question that must be asked is: Why do they always let a goal in during the first few minutes? If they can stop that, then they can, and will, become a strong contender in World Cup 86 and may affect the teams that qualify during the raminder of the qualifiers for World Cup 85.

OOC: I literally wrote this in 5 minutes, very proud of myself.

[Tequilo]

TAPALUPÉ, Tequilo - Today in your new favourite magazine we continue our new series for those unfamiliar with pitxi in Tequilo by looking at some of the biggest teams in the country. Rumour that these features are prepatory material for the new IFCF-focused blog are completely wide of the mark of course; they are here to help followers of the World Cup navigate the ins and outs of domestic football that underpins the new World Cup campaign.

In this series, we go state by state to look at the teams in that region that qualify for the nomination of 10-Nacional; that is to say, the top ten teams in the country based on the number of state championships won. In this edition we look at Chazapa State, and one of the Big Ten who can fairly call themselves one of the Big Two - Pitxi-Pitxi 77.

But first - what happened to Los Pitxileros in World Cup qualifying? Let’s fire up the Copametro to find out…

VLASIS THE WAY TO DO IT
TEQUILO 1-0 Vlasistan HT: 1-0

Location: Estadio Florentzio Mesperuza, Iragartze, Puezan Att: 72,391
SCORERS: Sukè 30’

History was made amidst great cheer and many sighs of relief as the devolved tour of qualification matches came to Iragartze and the agave-blues finally broke their duck in home games across the regions with a first home win since Quakmybush in Tapalupé way back in the month of Seedmarch. It was a controlled performance from Isaac Martí’s team, recalling how they had blown the first game between these sides with a wet and weary performance in Vlasistan. Gone were the tired legs and weary attitudes; but also not on show was the kamikaze attacking that may or may not garner wins and points - here the coach wanted the win at all cost and had his team well organised and well disciplined to do just that. Young winger Masango Sukè hit what turned out to be the winner a third of the way into the game, and Los Pitxileros controlled the full 90 minutes without becoming too risqué.

A difficult game in Devonta follows, against a team that seem to be on cruise control and happy to be in the top four - a place Tequilo might like to take from them. A win in the opposite fixture in Tapalupé was an impressive result and will give the team a base to work from, but it’s going to be hard at An Unknown Field, where past experience will count heavily in the home team’s favour. Coach Martí will have wanted to avoid wholesale changes but Isidor Artechevarria picks up a one-match ban for three yellow cards in this half of qualifying, plus an extra match for previous misdemeanours - although we might put it all down to enthusiasm. Roxelio Toran also took a knock and is replaced by Urlegi Gorostola, who has proven a reliable stand in through this campaign. The coaches’ one unforced change recalls attacking midfielder Niño Pinto to the starting line up in favour of Onorato Claver.

---

Starting Line-Up for TEQUILO @ Devonta:
Bienvenida | Zambo, Apeiztegui (Capitan), Huracán, Chicchan | Huachalla | Vilca Hualla, Niño Pinto, Tutayan | Tlacolotl & Gorostola

VENUE: An Unknown Field, Devonta

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
What ever happened to Roy Sessions?

Raised in an orphanage in Tapalupé, everyone thought eccentric midfield maestro Roy Sessions¹ was a bit tapped in the head. We all felt sorry for him - an amiable chap with delusions of grandeur. After learning pitxi in the orphanage, he joined the charitable athletics club Sociedad Santos, set up by Aularia Santos Aratinco in her later years as part of her philanthropic drive to improve the health and wellbeing of poor people in Tequilo. Santos had developed into an efficient organisation for supporting people and bringing through decent pitxi players to sustain a reasonable existence in the second tier of the Ocotapa state championship. Roy Sessions turned out to be a very reasonable second tier footballer too, and was a well-liked player amongst team and fans in a decade of playing for the first team. But Roy had one troubling aspect of his personality. From an early age, in the orphanage, he had decided he was a nobleman of high birth, and since there weren’t any noblemen, let alone anyone of high birth, in all of Tequilo (they may tell you different in Antivador, but this is an affectation common in the Antivadorio) Roy Sessions believed he must be of foreign birth. Throughout his childhood and well into his twenties, he really felt he ought to be addressed as Sir Roy or Lord Sessions, and often reminded people - quite gently, since despite all this he was a gentle and amiable fellow. The conviction never left him, and in private circles he was sometimes mockingly referred to as Prince Roy - but usually, because he was well-liked, this was frowned upon as mocking a person of special needs, something unacceptable in Tequiloan society. Roy was in his late twenties and approaching the peak of his modestly decent game with Sociedad Santos, when he organised a private DNA test; when the results came back, astonishingly, he announced he was off to Reçeuçn^(transl.) to take his rightful place amongst the nobility. He left on the next flight to Ao and has never been heard of since. Not even a postcard.

---

10-NACIONAL
Part 4/6: Chazapa

---

The industrial heartland of Tequilo, Chazapa State doesn’t have the prairies of Maranco, the deserts of Ocotapa, or the mountains of Guastenango; but what it does have is infrastructure, tech, entrepreneurs, money and big grimy cities. The motto for the state is ‘We Build It In Chazapa’ and that is undeniably true. Alcaraiso, Sezalco, Senzapa… these are all huge manufacturing conurbations, sprawling cities that support a huge amount of football clubs - although most of the sporting money goes into the first love of the state - Lucho Grasiento, or greasy wrestling, with football following on behind. The workmanlike nature of the state is reflected in the clubs - unglamorous, unloved outside their own supporter base, mostly ignored outside Chazapa state itself. But one city stands apart - Ixta-Comitán, heart of the Ixta people’s historic empire - and so does its football team: the mighty Pitxi-Pitxi 77.

PITXI-PITXI 77
Chazapa State Champions: 21 times - joint highest nationally; most recent season 111 (eleven seasons ago)
Copa Tequila Winners: 2 times; most recent season 116 (6 years ago) including one double
Stadium: Estadio '77o, Ixta-Comitán, Chazapa
Capacity: 66,309
Nicknames: ’77o
Colours: Green & white striped shirts, white shorts & socks
Alternate: All black with green & white trim
Current Manager: Eskaminzim, 41
Team Captain: Chicchan, 30, DR
Young Prospect: Ixtub Tün, 17, DMC

Like Huayna-Comitán in Guastenango, Ixta-Comitán has been beautifully preserved as a great Indigo city state, although unlike it’s rival city, it is surrounded by a much less interesting and heavily industrialised region; it’s borders are now more or less the end of traditional Ixta cultural identity. The city itself supports three top flight or 1-Sección clubs, with Jaguars and Serpentina both strong clubs in the state championship. But there is only one club in the state that all others must merely follow, the 21-time state champion Pitxi-Pitxi 77. Formed nearly 150 years ago they are one of the oldest clubs in the country, and are the most favoured by the strong Ixta population throughout Chazapa and the nation. Rivalled - and some might say just bettered on account of their superior Copa record - by Puezan states’ CF Frantzixko-A, they have the equal most state titles and are surely the widest supported - beyond CF who are also the team everyone loves to hate: not so the ’77os, who really are just about everyone’s second favourite team.

Like their famous rivals, the ’77os are going through a barren patch without a state title in eleven seasons, which is like an eternity for their millions of fans nationwide. Indeed this is the second longest barren spell since the dark years back in the seventies, during their centenary period, when they went 14 season without a title - fans dread the thought it may happen again. In this latest bleak spot they have at least won one Copa, but that is scant nourishment for a team built on continuous success. Last season they finished fourth in the state championship and fired former manager Hilário Rosquilla at the end of an ill-distinguished period - and have promoted academy coach and former star midfielder Eskaminzim as new head coach, his Ixta heritage making him a huge favourite with the locals, while the wider fanbase will perhaps be worried about his lack of experience. They were hoping for a top line established manager but will have to hope that the internal promotion works out well. As ever, the club have some huge youth prospects, who Eskaminzim of course has had a hand in bringing through - none more so than the sensational giant Ixtub Tün, who has broken through at both club and country already at the tender age of 17. The manager has known him for years and this will have undoubtedly been in the thinking of the board when appointing Eskaminzim to the first team. Somebody needs to return the glory years to the ’77os, and quick.

First Team

Goalkeepers: Orm Hinisser (WGT), Vicente Sabater
Defenders: Chicchan, Kisin, Chenaro Bermund, Lión Gualba-Itzamna, Ebardo Feliu, Léon Londo, Andre Naron, Simón Agustín-Cheauka, Cetanwakuwa
Midfielders: Ixtüb Tun, Xecotcovach, Ot Roca-Camazotz, Noah Vergara, Pero Sagarra, Elias Valdueza, Ponç Baldovinos, Arturo Lago, Mateu Bandrés
Forwards: Tlacolotl, Nazario Latorre, Beturián Planas, Ladislau Aragonés, Camaxtli Zyanya Papan

RÚI de Los ROVAS
Rúi Raza & the family company are back!

Read on as Roque Raza tries to persuade his father Rúi that you can’t run a football agency off a yacht moored in the arctic circle under the watchful eye of asthmatic Russian despot Vlad the Inhaler. Roque has found some nice offices in Geneva, in the Infantino Tower located conveniently close to the headquarters of ‘UEFA’ - the squeaky clean governing authority now running world football after the collapse of the illegal gambling ring and people trafficking cartel ‘FIFA’. And let’s be honest, the sub-zero summer in Archangel is playing havoc with Rúi’s arthritis. Meanwhile, grandson Roni is tying up the loose ends for their client Santi Cazorla, who is about to sign for a mystery club and doesn’t want the press to find out yet that it is a player-coach role at old school northern grit…

…Burnley. But does Santi realise just how gritty it is up north?

---

NEXT TIME
What’s Up In The Next Issue of GOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL-a!!!

---

Coming soon - We’ll be looking at domestic football in the state of Puezan, where the independent identity of the Puezaños is stronger than anywhere else in the country, and their biggest team likewise - CF Frantxizko-A. Meanwhile, back in Appalaxia, whatever happened to international goalkeeper García de Corcoles? And there is more Rúi de Los Rovas, including an assassination attempt on the great old man!

---

FOOTNOTES
1Reçeuçn

[Vilitia]

Long throughout the history of the multiverse there have been implications of an alternate universe that exists - or perhaps an universe alternativia of sorts - an area of time and space whereby nations not unlike those in our multiverse exist - but exist with an extra "I". Such nations include Pasargia, Banijia, Valanoria, Mattijania, Sargossia, Savojarnia Lovisia and, of course, Vilitia.

If you take a step back and consider the implications of the on-going saga, you could consider that it has been a study on the relationship between co-existing dimensions that has been thrust into the forefront of the multiverse. At the very heart of the matter is the question... What is Real?

Of course, when a fluffy bunny from the dreamed realm ingests a little too much of a chocolatey delectable from the so-called Ordinary Reality, any unintended side effects are perhaps to be fully expected. Without a proper understanding of the relationship between the Dreamed Realm and Ordinary Reality, there can be no guarantees attached to products and services intended for consumption within Ordinary Reality when removed from that spectrum and into another realm.

With Realms and Realities intermingling with sometimes unanticipated side effects, it can be difficult enough for the common citizen or company to keep track of all the things there are to keep track of. But when alternate dimensions come into play, it gets even more complicated. Here in Vilitia, we consider our own dimension to be the baseline dimension. Of course, it is our understanding that elsewhere there are other parallel dimensions. Some where we might exist as Vilitia & Turori, or Turorori - or one particularly odd dimension where we might exist as just "Vilita" with no extra 'i' in play. Odd that one, but let us focus there for a moment. While we may consider our dimension the baseline dimension, of course, they would consider their dimension the baseline dimension. Through the wormhole, we can take a glance into their dimension and we can learn some interesting things.

Our Wormhole tapper looks across the spectrum to figure out the frequency of the appearance of the national term "Vilita" - as odd as it sounds, in that dimensions most common communication outlet, The "Nesfora". While the Nesfora has subdesignations, the most popular in our studies found to be the "Nesportfora", we would just take a look at the numbers as a whole. In our study we found over 9500 references to the odd-sounding nation of "Vilita" in the Nesfora. What is most interesting, however, is that we also found 162 references to ourselves - the All Seeing I of Vilitia, within the Nesfora.

But how would there be 162 references to Vilitia on a communication interchange between occupants of a dimension for which Vilitia does not exist? A selection of excepts from these most curious of curiousities follows:

During communication surrounding that dimensions 85th World Cup, an assessment of the qualification tables was made with the statement:

Drunk People at the Local Tavern
They're certainly having a good time, and that's only mostly the alcohol. Their highlight was a draw against Vilitia, giving the world's best side their only blemish.

The best side in the world! What world? Have we crossed over from our dimension to another only to dominate World Sport? Is this possible? Maybe it is - our understanding of the interactions between Realms and Dimensions is still quite limited. But how could the best side in the World suffer a draw to a bunch of Drunk People at a Local Tavern? Perhaps the term "Best" doesn't mean in this dimension what it means in our dimension?

An increasingly odd case would come from the halls of that dimensions so-called World Assembly, where in an audacious attempt to Commend the nation of Vilita, our name once again registered in recognition for these lofty accomplishments. It wasn't even the first time such had occured as a prior motion at this very same World Assembly hall resulted in a very similar recognition of our nation, Vilitia, by the recommendations of the Former Mayor of a land called Equilism.

There were heightened mentions of Vilitia during the so-called "14th Olympic Winter Games" where a number of nations seemed to believe they were coming to our dimension, to our Vilitia, and not to the nation where the actual 14th Olympic Winter Games were being contested in that civilizations baseline dimension.

Similar occurances have dated back to the very beginning of recorded history on the Nesfora. In fact, over 1.5% of the time that the text string "Vilit" is found in the Nesfora, it is followed by "ia" instead of the seemingly appropriate "a" for that dimension.

What does that mean? Are the two dimensions somehow inadvertantly interacting? Is the general population of that dimension subconciously aware of our dimension and the existence here of Vilitia where they have Vilita there?

---

[The Jovannic]

It's a game of two halves... Again: The Jovannic 4-4 Terre Septentrionale

First Half

The game started with a bang with a sudden Terre goal in the 3rd minute. The defence looked shaken and Terre continues smashing into the defence, and scored 3 more goals in 20 minutes. The home crowd looked dismayed as the defence collasped. Luckily, the defence got together and stuck strong. In the 32th Minute, Thomas Behine snuck through the defence to slot past the goalkeeper. The first half ended 4-1.

Second Half

The second half started well as The Jovannic's form became more steady. Stockain Lelop and Jin Tze controlled the midfield and the attack managed to score in the 59th minute with a Ianu Fathe shot. We scored again in the 66th minute when Jovan blasted a shot into the top corner from the outside of the box. In the 78th minute, Subsitute Denigh Kian gets the ball behind the defence and rounded the keeper, equalising the game. When the final whistle blew, the crowd erupted with cheers and applause.

"We broke down early but we managed to pull it back. This shows our strength and resilience. This shows that we can do it. The next match, our next match's goal is to get goals, which is important our chances." Gothal Mathee said after the match.

The Jovannic's next match is against Sanctanus, which we beat 3-2 last match. After having good form, we are confident that we can reach the victory.

Starting Eleven
Joshua Li, Kish Dasny, Raye Eng, Kallin Yustat, Nivario Wesh, Stockain Lelop, Viszier Felon, Rivilia Yunsala, Ianu Fathe, Denigh Kian, Jovan Ilohil

[Audioslavia]

Part 1 (Sue)
Part 2 (Sue)
Part 3 (Emanuel)
Part 4 (Sue)
Part 5 (Emanuel)
Part 6 (Emanuel)
Part 7 (Emanuel)
Part 8 (Emanuel)
Part 9 (Emanuel)
Part 10 (Emanuel)
Part 11 (Emanuel / Jeremy)
Part 12 (Emanuel)
Part 13 (Emanuel)
Part 14 (Emanuel)
Part 15 (Sue)


Elizabeth Aarden didn’t like going by the name Betsy any more, but right now she didn’t care that the imposingly tall woman at the bar had called her that.
“Susan! Good to see you again”
“Likewise” said Susan, shaking her hand. “Drink? I’m paying”
“Gin and tonic” said Elizabeth
“Double gin and tonic please” said Susan, leaning towards the barkeep, who nodded.

Within five minutes, the pair were at a table. Elizabeth had her nose buried in Susan’s smartphone, pouring over the information Susan had found.

“Zaldun. Txo Zaldun. You’ve found his birth certificate and everything”
“I have” said Susan, taking a sip of wine. “No more ‘Yusuf’ or ‘Zeca’ or ‘Giorgio’. Txo Zaldun’s his name. No information on his wherebouts during the time of the heists, but we can place him in Kjeligsted around the time those speakeasies were getting turned over”
“Huh” said Elizabeth. “And we think Jeremy Jaffacake was involved with that?”
“I certainly wouldn’t put it past him” said Susan. “Either way..”
“Statute of limitations ran out on all of this. There’s no arresting him. Either of them. But… to know who did it..”
“It’s a whole nother book” said Susan, winking as she caught Elizabeth’s glance.
“I don’t even know how to thank you”
Susan smiled and took a large gulp of wine. She paused. She didn’t quite want to say it. It didn’t actually matter whether or not she said anything or not. It was all on the file. Still. It was too big not to bring up.

“He’s planning another heist” said Susan.

Elizabeth didn’t even register at first. She kept scrolling through the notes, eyes wide open, reading everything she could as if someone was about to take the notebook straight out of her hands at any moment. It took a good ten seconds before she realised. Elizabeth slowly looked up at Susan, a faint, confused frown on her face.
“What?”
“Another heist” said Susan. “And we know what it is”
“He’s… alive?” said Elizabeth. All systems had, by now, crashed to a halt. Elizabeth looked at the notepad, looked at Susan, and then looked at the ceiling. Susan could almost see her planning the sequel to her best-selling true-crime book right now.
“Calorborne. That’s where he escaped to. Time runs differently there. Slower. Much slower. For Txo only about seven years have passed.”
Elizabeth took her glasses off and pinched the bridge of her nose.
“Finish your gin” said Sue. “I’ll get us another one, and I’ll tell you all the gossip my source told me”

—

Jeremy Jaffacake stood and took it in. It was like standing in front of a ghost. Just a really really big one.

The golden age of Audioslavian football had lasted all of four cycles. It started with a World Cup quarter-final victory over Polar Islandstates in World Cup 63, the Bulls avenging the two defeats they’d suffered to the Terns in qualifying and convincing a nation, once again, that they could really, actually *do it* this time. Do it they did, and one cycle later do it they did again. Two World Cups in two cycles, adding the AOCAF Cup each time to complete an impressive double-double. Karsten Eiger banging the goals in, Kajaxo Imaslavii performing miracles in keeping them out, the Zonnestraal brothers sprinting down either wing, Wim van Wildernis and James Courier in the centre ahead of captain John Ryan in defence, plus a talented secondary cast of proper footballers. They were all so young in World Cup 63, a couple of them only seventeen years old.

By the time World Cup 66 rolled around, they were coming to the end of their illustrious careers. A golden generation collectively just past their peak, playing in a World Cup that was co-hosted by Audioslavia.

The bidding process for the World Cup 66 hosting rights had been short but sweet. Jeremy Jaffacake had helped engineer a last-minute bid for the tournament. The bid was unexpected but popular, and they won a majority vote without the need for counting second choices, well ahead of the joint Aelsh-Ossidiacquan bid. The Aelsh contingent weren’t happy, complaining that the bidding process had been reduced to a popularity contest, implying that they couldn’t possibly compete with the popularity of Jeremy Jaffacake, a man of whom it was said that if you saw him standing in your garden, you’d say ‘oh no there’s a really unpopular person in the garden’. The Aelsh football association, finally recognising the way in which all World Cup bidding processes functioned, decided to change tack over the coming years, making changes to the way they dealt with foreign football associations and adopting a more open and caring approach to diplomacy and went on to win four hosting bids in the 60s and 70s.

Audioslavia had reached the semi-finals, lost a close game with Eura, and had gone on to play their co-hosts in the third-placed playoff, held at the Arena Kirola in Audioslavia. The final would be held… here. The Flynn Arena, Fligsive, The Inevitable Syndicate. The name of the stadium and the city hadn’t changed, but the name of the country had. The Inevitable Syndicate had become Mertagne, moved north and promptly disappeared. In its stead, now, was the country of Euran Oceania Territories. A developing nation with an increasingly large amount of Rushmori ex-pats. EOT had upset Audioslavia in the AOCAF Cup, humiliating a Bulls side that had already been looking beyond their opponents to the next stage of the tournament. The Bulls hit back in the first game of qualifying, crushing EOT at home. Now, for the first time, they would visit the Euran territories. The former land of the Syndicate.

The sporting history of The Inevitable Syndicate is intertwined with that stage of Audioslavian history. You can’t tell the story of one without spending a long time talking about the other.

The story starts with two caddish young men entering the World Grand Prix Championships at the same time. Foppish-haired Audioslavian playboy Alexander Lund and a thirty-something Syndicatian pilot called Roger Bunn, who was at that point very much in the Indian summer of his career. The partnership flowered in the middle of that season twelve, as the car began to become quicker and more reliable (it could not possibly have become less reliable). Alec Lund found himself putting a run of results together that culminated with the Audioslavian winning the championship on the final corner of the final race. McPahan finished second in the constructors’ championship, with Bunn finishing a commendable eighth in the drivers’ standings.

The Audioslavian and Syndicatian national football teams started to play one another around the time of the end of that WGPC season, and eventually the suits at both FAs would develop a working relationship with one another. This not only resulted in the hosting bid for World Cup 66, but also caused the creation of something that would have an even longer last effect on both nations. The LigAnaia.

Starting just after World Cup 66, the LigAnaia was a joint league of Syndicatian and Audioslavian club sides - eight from the former, six from the latter. Early seasons were high on drama, if not quality, but it wouldn’t be long before the league started attracting higher quality players - the likes of Wilf Lidgley, Kohev Kungas-Vaga and such - and higher quality football teams.

In the third season of the LigAnaia, Starblaydi club sides joined the fun, with Legalite teams entering a season later. Within a few seasons, the LigAnaia had become a monster: the official professional football league of Audioslavia, The Syndicate, Starblaydia, Legalese, Osarius, Semarland, Royal Kingdom of Quebec, Schiavonia, Krytenia and many more. One league became two, then four, then seven as the system was forced to expand. 420 teams from nine nations entered one iteration of the CopAnaia. It was monstrous. Too much so.

The blight that forced The Inevitable Syndicate’s relocation and eventual disappearance was one of the nails in the coffin, as the Football Federation of Audioslavia struggled to cope with the demands of organizing a league that, at that point, had quite frankly jumped the shark. Krytenian and Starblaydi clubs left to reform the Liga Calania, still under the auspices of COCANEFA, the Confederation of Calanian and North-Eastern Football Assocations, and the LigAnaia dispanded two seasons later, its member associations returning to the relative normality of governing their own domestic leagues.

As Jeremy stared up at the old Flynn Arena he could barely make out the metal supports at the top. They were mostly obscured by a thick fog that had enveloped the area. He closed his eyes and tried to remember the green, blue and red lights that had shone brightly from the top of the ground all those years ago for the final match of World Cup 66. Eura in their bright red shirts, Polar Islandstates in the blue with the famous white tern across the chest.

The Polarians would lose that final, their second in a row, but would finally win the big one the next cycle, defeating a largely new-look Audioslavia side, albeit with Imaslavii still dutifully keeping goal, a little less agilely than before, and a 37-year-old Karsten Eiger coming off the bench to try to save the Bulls from defeat, which he was unable to do. Within a few cycles, Polar Islandstates had retired from international football, supposedly due to their former allies Ossidiacqua having lost their co-bid with Aels eight cycles previously, if you believe reports from some Aelsh sources which, in this case, you probably shouldn’t.

Jeremy Jaffacake’s interpretation of the above was, obviously, gospel. He was, after all, the recipient of the official World Assembly Commendation for Services to Journalistic Integrity, and nobody could take that away from him. Not the title, and especially not the beautiful gold and diamond trophy Jeremy had been given to commemorate the award. He’d keep that with him for the rest of his days. There was no chance, no chance whatsoever, at either of the following two statements being true:

1: Jeremy Jaffacake is an unreliable narrator whose opinion carries about as much weight as a freefalling fart made entirely of the notion of helium
2: Someone from deep in Jeremy’s past was about to steal something important away from him.

Above him, one of the floodlights started emitting a dull, yellowish glow. The old stadium was waking up once again.

[Baggieland]

The Daily Boing

Baggieland 1 – 0 Garifunya FT (1 – 0 HT)

Fred Buckingham was able to call on his first choice XI after they returned to World Cup qualification duty following their victorious exploits in the Nordsjø Derby.

The game got off to the perfect start when Baggieland was awarded a freekick just outside the box after only five minutes. The position was prime Brunt territory. He duly lined up his shot, lifted it up and over the wall, curled it around, then the ball nestled in the back of the net. A perfect start. Garifunya tried hard to level the score after that, and had a couple of decent chances, but Osborne was equal to everything that came his way. Baggieland had an excellent chance to double their lead just before half time, an exquisite move that involved Livermore, Bomber and finally Richardson ended up with the ball just the wrong side of the post.

The second half got off to a slow start, and it wasn’t until the 65th minute that the fans got to see some goalmouth action. It was Garifunya who were pressing the Baggieland defence hard, and it took a goal-line clearance from Moore to preserve the Throstles’ lead. The home side started to exert more pressure in the final ten minutes, again Richardson placed the ball wide of the post after a nice shot on the turn, and Regis had a very late effort that was well saved by the keeper.

Baggieland stats:

Scorers:
Ray Brunt: (5’).

Possession: 56%.
Corners: 7.

Tournament scorers:
Jeff Richardson: 8.
Bomber Robson: 6.
Ginger Astle: 6.
Ronnie Regis: 4.
Billy Cunningham: 3.
Ray Brunt: 3.
Jonas McAuley: 2.
John Moore: 1.
Cyrille Allen: 1.

International goals:
Jeff Richardson: 14.
Bomber Robson: 7.
Ginger Astle: 6.
Ronnie Regis: 6.
Ray Brunt: 5.
Jonas McAuley: 4.
Billy Cunningham: 3.
Chris Barlow: 1.
John Moore: 1.
Cyrille Allen: 1.

[HUElavia]

HUElavia takes a Commanding Advantage with Victory!

HUElavia 3-1 Lo Santano
(Villca 15', 17', 77'| REDACTED 89')

HUElavia came into Matchday 20 looking to continue a good streak in the qualifiers after their 0-3 victory at Monglechabagd. This time, they were hosting Lo Santano, a team that was already eliminated, in the recently built Estadio de Plata in Pamallu. This stadium was receiving its Baptism of the National Team visiting the stadium, as it was sold-out in order to watch the team play in person. The B-Team was fielded for the match, along with Ricardo starting in goal and wearing the Captain's Armband and the team wore their Home Uniform for the match. Notably, this match was a "homecoming" match for left-winger Rosario Villca, who was born and lived her whole life in Pamallu prior to becoming professional.

The match kicked off and HUElavia began dominating possession as they always do. They attacked left and right, giving precise passes and crosses into the box that had REDACTED scrambling to prevent shots from entering the goal. Not to mention, the defense was also left scrambling, as they were no match for the speed and pace that the HUElavian players had on them. The opening goal would come in the 15th minute, as a long pass from Duran would pass through two defenders, until Villca ran up to tap in the ball past REDACTED and into the goal to make it 1-0. The crowd erupted, celebrating like crazy to make the stadium rumble, while Villca celebrated with her teammates as the crowd chanted her name. Kickoff resumed and HUElavia got the ball once again in seconds, attacking with some shots that had one go out for a corner in the 17th minute. Conti took the cross, and it landed on the head of Villca, who headed it down and out of REDACTED's reach, as it went into the goal, making it 2-0 within 90 seconds. The crowd jumped and roared, making the stadium rumble once more, while Villca was mobbed by the team and bench, as she felt emotional for the crowd cheering her name once again. HUElavia kept on attacking left and right, giving little to no chances for Lo Santano to make any sort of comeback in the match. Right before halftime, Lo Santano would get some shots in, but were comfortably saved by Ricardo to prevent any goal from going in. After three minutes of additional time, the first half ended 2-0, with the team and crowd satisfied with the performance.

The second half kicked off, and HUElavia went on the attack once again the moment they regained possession of the ball. Villca looked for her hat-trick, while Moutinho and Sissoko looked for their goals in order to add to their tally. Crosses and passes were made, but REDACTED began to catch the balls with more comfort as he and the defense began to snuff out HUElavian opportunities. Lo Santano would also get chances, with REDACTED and REDACTED getting some shots in, but the defense led by Smirnov and Ricardo would stop the shots left and right. Eventually, in the 77th minute, a run by Leblanc was stopped pretty harshly by REDACTED, which led to a free-kick and a yellow card for the player. Villca stepped up for the free-kick and took the shot that went over the wall and out of REDACTED's reach into the goal, making it 3-0 and Villca now had a hat-trick. She ran to the crowd where her family was, crying while hugging her parents, while the team and bench ran up to her to celebrate, with the crowd going crazy, jumping around and roaring to make the stadium rumble once more. The crowd chanted and roared her name as her goal was announced, leaving Villca to cry from the emotion of scoring a hat-trick in front of her city's crowd. HUElavia would step off the gas a bit, passing around the ball to kill time in order to give themselves a break on the pitch. This continued until the 89th minute, when Acosta was dispossessed, and REDACTED took the ball and gave a low shot that went past the fingertips of Ricardo and into the goal to make it 3-1. The players for Lo Santano ran back with the ball looking to come back, but HUElavia kept possession for the majority of the remaining time, and after four minutes of additional time, the referee ended the match at 3-1, with Los Amarillos taking another important 3 points, and the crowd celebrating the victory and individual performance of Villca.

HUElavia not only got a victory, but got some very favorable results in Group 11. Equestria drew their match against Monglechabagd 1-1, while Xanneria lost on the road to Nooooooooooooooo, 4-1. With these results, Equestria is still in 1st Place with 45 points (13-6-0), while HUElavia is in striking distance to them with 43 points (14-1-4), and Xanneria sit in 3rd Place with 36 points (10-6-2). Heading into Matchday 21, HUElavia will visit Xanneria in what will be a decisive game in Group 11. Should HUElavia win, the Group will essentially be locked in favor of Equestria and HUElavia to make World Cup 85. Should Xanneria win, Group 11 becomes open once again with it being a free-for-all battle for the Top 2 spots. Regardless, Los Amarillos are in control of their own destiny, especially with massive levels of momentum coming for the team, after match the amount of goals Equestria has scored, 54, and surpassing Equestria in victories in the group, 14 to 13. The A-Team will be used once again with Lobato in goal, while wearing the Home Uniform for the match. The match will be played at XANAir National Stadium II in Dominica City, where a sold-out crowd is expected and a pretty sizable crowd of HUElavians are expected to be present. Some nations around the Multiverse are rooting for Los Amarillos, hoping to see them possibly win Group 11 and have a massive momentum in these final few games of the qualifiers. Regardless, HUElavia has faith in the team (and the team themselves) that they can earn a favorable result on the road against a direct rival.

FORCA HUELAVIA! VAMOS HUELAVIA! GO HUELAVIA!

[TJUN-ia]

By Peter Davis

Szensky has hosted some match-ups of great highs and lows. On one hand, the 4-4 draw with New Lusitania and the Algarves will go down as one the greatest games to ever go down on TJUN-ian soil. On the other hand, the 4-0 defeat at the hands of Natanians and Nosts will go down as one of the worst. But no matter the results, the FA-TJUN-ia has decreed that the 6 games outside of JB TJUN-ia were a success. How that affects the future, I don't know but let's look at the final of the 6 home games: Villablanca.

The team we beat 6-1 looked for revenge and they started well, scoring in the 34th minute. Their defence was hard to break through as they certainly didn't want a repeat of what happened in their homeland. The 2nd half was more of the same until Vladimir Podolov finally drew the game up to the delight of the home crowd in the 75th. Both defences would be challenged for the remainder of the game, but no breakthrough meant the 4th draw in a row for the Jags.

Szensky finishes 0-2-1, but the fans certainly came when required. TJUN-ia is still alive in the qualification chance but with a bye coming up before the game in Porto aginst New Lusitania, we will most likely be dead on arrival. GO JAGS!

---

SCHEDULE (Updates on stadiums will occur as soon as we get them)
MD1: @Audioslavia (22) - Arena Kirola, Cathair L 1-2 (T-9th)
MD2: vs Euran Oceania Territories (84) - National Stadium, TJUN-ia City D 2-2 (T-9th)
MD3: @Porticalia (330) L 0-1 (T-10th)
MD4: vs Sajnur (57) - Tiankong Stadium, Tiankong L 2-3 (12th)
MD5: @Jeckland (UR) - Jecken Stadium, Rack City W 2-0 (10th)
MD6: vs Natanians and Nosts (131) - Beregozera Stadium, Szensky L 0-4 (11th)
MD7: @Villablanca (235) W 6-1 (9th)
MD8: BYE (10th)
MD9: vs New Lusitania and the Algarves (42) - Beregozera Stadium, Szensky D 4-4 (10th)
MD10: @Necosia (341) D 4-4 (9th)
MD11: vs Turori (12) - National Stadium, TJUN-ia City L 1-5 (10th)
MD12: @Astograth (303) - Castle Hill, Gesterlake D 0-0 (10th)
MD13: vs Muradil (212) - National Stadium, TJUN-ia City D 2-2 (10th/2W-5D-5L/-4GD/11pts)
-----------------------Off Day---------------------------
MD14: vs Audioslavia (22) - National Stadium, TJUN-ia City L 0-1 (11th)
MD15: @Euran Oceania Territories (84) - Flynn Arena, Fligsive W 4-1 (10th)
MD16: vs Porticalia (330) - Tiankong Stadium, Tiankong W 5-2 (8th)
MD17: @Sajnur (57) - Niurka Stadium, Ciarkhan D 1-1 (8th)
MD18: vs Jeckland (UR) - Tiankong Stadium, Tiankong D 3-3 (8th)
MD19: @Natanians and Nosts (131) - Stadion Nacional (?) D 1-1 (8th)
MD20: vs Villablanca (235) - Beregozera Stadium, Szensky D 1-1 (8th)
MD21: BYE
MD22: @New Lusitania and the Algarves (42) - Estádio da Anta do Dragão, Porto
MD23: vs Necosia (341) - National Stadium, TJUN-ia City
MD24: @Turori (12)
MD25: vs Astograth (303) - National Stadium, TJUN-ia City
MD26: @Muradil (212)

[Electrum]

The Turnip: Four things we predict will happen based on our superior divination skills
by Billiam Maskey, chief-editor-in-chief

The accuracy of The Turnip is world-renowned. With computational powers even greater than that of The Computator's, yes, we have more power than our five-dimensional overlords, we have divined the truth many times. One infamous example is our article on Five possible parallel universes where Electrum will win the 78th edition of the World Cup that you need to know about wherein we detailed scenarios that The Bolts will win World Cup 78 only four matchdays into qualification. And guess what happened! We did in fact win that World Cup, which proves the legitimacy and the truthfulness of our publication. You know, they say that truth is always stranger than fiction. With that in mind, here are four scenarios that will definitely happen.

1. The Unrepentant Cocoa-bo Inquisition will find Cocoa-bo guilty of murder, and will be sentenced to ten years in jail and a ban from all future World Cups
Yes, after breaking bail, the chocolatey milk drink Cocoa-bo will be subjected to ten years of eternal shrieking by crazy monks of The Dreamed Realm before being released into the wider community. The Unrepentant Cocoa-bo Inquisition will get the outcome they want, after the silly socialists of Kelssek and the secret Greg-ist Paul Nicholas of South Covello made statements in the past few days to the inquisition against Cocoa-bo. It seems like no one wants to stand up for our right to drink crushed cocoabo feathers flavoured with some yummy extracts.

2. Eastfield Lodge will be eliminated from the World Cup qualification
I mean, that was just a gimme. We had to have some easy wins in this article. Let's go for a more ambitious guess next.

3. The World Cup Committee will disqualify Farfadillis from hosting the World Cup Proper
One wonders why the war-ravaged Farfs were awarded World Cup hosting rights given that their state is non-functional. Just how much money did the Farfs have to bribe the World Cup Committee to share the hosting rights with Mriin? We ask because no sane nation would ever vote for a World Cup being hosted in an anarchist hellscape. We know that all good sports bodies, in cases of clear corruption, will re-award hosting rights, and this is true across all of the multiverses and dimensions we tested as part of our state-of-the-art Monte Carlo simulations. As a result, expect Farfadillis to not host half of the World Cup, and it will be hosted, in some other nation, like oh... let's say Omerica.

4. A certain news service will be wiped off the planet by a Mysterious Old Diktat
A certain news service, known for their smutty, sexy, and salacious presentation of its network, titillating audiences across the multiverse, will be shut down and wiped off the planet by a Mysterious Old Diktat. It surely must happen at some point. The edict will come in a large red box with white font, and will rain down chaos and confusion onto the minds of the majority, the pervy individuals who tune into this service.

So what did you think about our predictions? As always, comment down below! This article is brought to you by Cocoa-bo. Yum yum for my tum tum!

[Sharktail]

Group 5 Matchday 20

The Macabees-4
unknown-(m '5,17,35,72)

---

Sharktail-4
Gaby (m '2,32)
Azmi (m '66)
Virman (m '71)

Line up
Maxter
Batuil
Azmi (m '70)
Hidawi
Irfan
Azaim
Chandra (m '63)
Hadi
Nik Akif
Gaby (m '63)
Virman

sub
Yusri (m '70)
Fikri (m '63)
Sulimani (m '63)

Hello guys. Welcome back to Nazri TV. So, do you guys miss me? Hehe. Sorry that I didn't went live the last time. I'm really sorry. It's not like I don't want to go live but I forgot. I will tell you what is the reason but before that let's talk about another thing first.

Ok first, today I'm not going to Maccabees because I am busy. Also, I missed to book the flight so what can I do, just watch from home. So let me provide a simple match report. Last night, our king, Gaby gets the spotlight again scoring a brace against Maccabees. What can I say, he makes the goal like his girlfriend. You know, he knows how to make the ball reach the net. If I play, mostly the ball will hit the bar. Ok, don't mention that shotty game. I cannot move on with that game yet. I have played it a lot but never won. I am getting sick with that game. Ok, let's forget about it. Azmi also set his name on the score list with one goal. And what is more important, Virman finally scored again. How long does he have to take to score, no doubt the coach always rotate the second striker. However, luck was not on our side today, we tied with Maccabees 4-4. Our chance to qualify is over. But let's continue to support our team. Maybe we can achieve more good place than 6th right now.

Ok. Let's move on. I just watched on the news this morning that the clay-court season for tennis will start soon. In that report, it said 4 single players and 2 double have departed to Istria for first clay season tournament. Istria Open is the tier 2 competition. The player with over 500 points cannot participate. Our No 1 tennis player, Syamim Kevin come as 4th seed in Istria Open. So while we are cheering for Sharktail football team, let's also not forget for our lads in tennis.

So guys, do you remember Miss Fira. (Miss Fira. Oh, do you mean SFA staff you meet when interviewing Sharktail NT player? Why?) Actually, one day before Sharktail NT played Valladares, I met her, just a coincidence. I was not stalking her okay. So we met. The reason I was not live with you all that morning after the match because that night I went out with her. It's not a date. Just maybe some friends eating together, I guess. The thing that led to the dinner, I also don't know. Hahaha. I just met her, without even thinking what I say because I barely talk with women, how can that word come out from me 'want to get dinner?'. How the hell can I say that? Never in my life, I ever said that to the girl. I don't know too. But she seems to not get the wrong idea. Maybe she was just thinking I want to thank her for helping me in Zwangzug. So she accepts it. So, after I realised it, I don't know how embarrassing it was. I tried to control myself. Hahaha. My head went blank. But I tried to relax. So I went home. I do not even know how I can contact her. Just a promise to meet in the restaurant near the stadium. So, I think she might ask her friend to come with her, so I think it won't be awkward, but what I guess not even close. She came alone and what more, she even wore a beautiful dress and make up. I don't know if she thinks this is a date. It's true, I also think about dating, but for the first time we go out, it really.....I don't know how to say. So we just enjoy our meal, talking without even any specific topic, just said what comes to our mind and say goodbye. I went home. My head still blanks.

So that morning, I can't think properly. So I miss the live that morning. But, you know, she is kinda cute. Hehehe. I hope we can go out again. Maybe....ah let's not talk about it for now. Let's see how it go. Ok bye.

---

Group 5 Matchday 21 vs Bushkrub

[Garifunya]

Say no to the Jandaams

Arjan Staal, De Konigrijk

Our so-called "President", though in actuality he is no leader of this country, has proposed bringing back the Jandaams national police force. And for what? A local assault, heinous though it was. May I remind our readers that it was the Jandaams who for years supported the oppressive, cruel, and corrupt dictator Jan Patriek "Baas" Gillaat. They were a mafia, a racket that only solved crimes when they involved wealthy Gillaat supporters and otherwise existed to brutalize dissenters from the regime and extort bribes from the common people of Garifunya. And let us not forget that it was Komandant Bouker and his Aanvalkorps who beat and killed peaceful protesters and the heroes who shed their blood to overthrow the Gillaat regime. It is this "police force" that Immanuel Prins proposes to bring back.

Some of you may be saying, "But Prins promises to reform the Jandaams. He says it will be different this time." Let me tell you, "It'll be different this time" is how all dictatorships get started. You can't bring back the form of the Jandaams without bringing back the substance. The corruption and brutality is institutional, and giving them a national mandate just encourages them to bring back dictatorship all across our great nation. Imagine that, a national mandate to deal with a local street gang. The attack on our immigrant community was awful, but we don't need the Jandaams to deal with that. What's more, Prins is showing disrespect for the hardworking men and women of our local police forces. They are more than capable of handling an isolated attack by some young hooligans. A better solution would be for Prins and the legislature to loosen up firearms laws. If the firearm black market is a big of a problem as he says it is, then why should only criminals be permitted to obtain firearms? Allow for firearms purchases for self-defense, then our various communities, immigrants included, will be able to defend themselves from these attacks without the need for the Jandaams. Another thing he could do would be to cut taxes and regulations. This will unleash private industry, creating enough jobs for all, so that disillusioned young men don't feel the need to attack immigrants for taking jobs they feel belong to them.

This is clearly a conspiracy between the pro-Gillaat goons over at the "Patriotic" Union and the statists who want a Prins dictatorship-lite in Democratic Revival. With some useful idiots, you can bring back a police force who can once again protect Gillaat loyalists and shut down any dissent from the statist, globalist, amoral society that Prins and his cronies want to usher in. They have even accused myself and the National Party of being behind these attacks. Nothing could be further from the truth; this is simply a political attack to wrong-foot any opposition to bringing back a force of goons, thugs, and Gillaat foot soldiers. I call on all members of the legislature to oppose this bill. To all our readers, call your representatives, write letters to them, protest outside the legislature, do whatever you can to prevent this sham of a bill from passing. We must stand up to the Prins regime or, mark my words, we will have another dictatorship!

Note: The author is the owner of De Konigrijk and Party Chair of the National Party

OOC note: De Konigrijk is a right-wing newspaper that is vehemently anti-Gillaat, anti-Prins, and anti-government. The end goal of its owner, Arjan Staal, is to promote racial separatism and conservative policies in government.

[Mercedini]

Qualification Outlook
@ Zoloroni Sports City Stadium - Zoloroni, Mercedini

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back to another outlook for qualification, which seems to be going on forever. We are approaching the final stages of the long grind, with very little being settled Group 6, where Mercedini reside. Banija are safely through after a stellar run which see them remain unbeaten and sit a whipping twenty (20) points ahead of their closest rival. At the other end of the table, four of the original thirteen-strong pool of nations have bitten the dust, they sit too far behind to claim a berth at the World Cup. With all nations playing their final two or three games, it will almost certainly go down to the wire as only four points separating teams ranked second through fifth. Only one of those teams, Hapilopper, are yet to play their bye-round, meaning they are at a distinct disadvantage compared to the rest of the field who all have their game in hand.

There have been plenty of surprise packages in a group packed with talent, with Balqia, Lisander and Hampton Island all punching above their weight so far in Group 6. The latter of the three, Hampton Island, currently occupy that second qualification spot in the group, and hold a single point advantage over the chasing pack. It will undoubtedly be one of the bigger shocks of qualification if Hampton Island can pull through, coming from Pot 6 and moving through the field with stealth and determined performances. They once held a commanding six point lead from third place, but some dropped points plus some good runs put together by the chasing pack has seen that margin disintegrate. Several key matches await Hampton Island against Balqia and Mercedini await, two wins in those matches could spell success for the unlikely underdogs. For Mercedini, it is a cleaner run for Mercedini against teams in the lower reaches of the table, that aforementioned match against Hampton Island and a follow-up against Lisander are the two key matches for them. Wins in both of them will almost certainly put them in that second spot and take out a number of their rivals in the process. Everything is up in the air for many of these teams, it would be far too early to speculate about any of these results in such an unpredictable group.

Another thing to look out for would be the Banija effect. With the group leaders taking on all-comers, far and wide, there has been very little wiggle room for that chasing pack to earn some points. Only already-eliminated Floyysauu has been able to quell the terminal ascension of Banija, meaning none of the candidates for second place have been able to touch the current leaders. This could open the door for those teams that are waiting for their second game against the Pot 1 side, as a point picked up against them could be a point earned that couldn't be responded to. Teams like Mercedini and Hapilopper have already played Banija and come up with a big, fat donut. Clearly this is an opportunity for those left to play the obvious best team in the group.

The Golden Eagles have seen a revival in form as of recent, and have gone from looking down and out in fifth to becoming a real favourite to qualify, with all the stats on paper going the way of the team in blue and black. It has been a bruising campaign, with the MFA bleeding money due to lack of sponsors and lack of fan income with their closed stadium, there is potential for a post-quals tournament involving Mercedini. Whether that is the World Cup Finals or the Cup of Harmony remains to be seen. Our fingers are crossed, but that is typically never enough.

[Blouman Empire]

THE EMPIRE TIMES

A Royal Game

The Blouman Empire hosted Kandorith last night at Cork Park Stadium with both His Imperial Majesty and Her Imperial Highness Empress Masumi watching from the Royal Box. And it was the Emperor who could claim early bragging rights after Oliver Eastall scored from range in the 29th minute. But it was a case of he (or she) laughs last, laughs loudest with Toki Matsuda scoring a double and Hisakane Hayashi finishing it off.

The match played before the two heads of state and 60,532 other people started well for the home side taking control of the game and retaining possession. Brad Hunter took the first attempt he saw and came agonisly close only to watch the ball bounce off the post and out for a goal kick. Paul Credab and Eastall also took their chances but were stopped by Hideyo Kiyotada. But their persistent efforts paid off as just before the half hour mark Oliver Eastall did it alone slotting a ball into the top corner. After intercepting a loose ball he took one look up and hit it out from 35 yards, as it screamed into the top corner the stadium erupted. One can only wonder what occurred in the Royal Box, perhaps a comment of appreciation from the Empress or a slight smile from the Emperor. But if he was smiling it was not to last as in the 33rd minute Matsuda equalised. A counter attack by Kandorith saw Hayashi cross the ball in finding the head of Matsudo who directed the ball down past Henry Polinoir and across the line. With the scores levelled it was the Eagles looking the better of the two sides as the half came to a close.

While the Eagles continued their first half performance after the break Kandorith managed to hold them off despite the continued attempts by the front three. It looked like the Eagles had gone up in the 50th minute after Hunter picked up a rebound from a corner but it was ruled offside much to the dismay of the team and home fans. Kandorith began to fight back with a shot by Masada Katano on the hour but Polinoir managed to get his fingers to it, it was only a minute later when Katano made another attempt but this time the keeper was able to firmly hold onto it. Kandorith’s second goal was the result of a corner. The ball but into the middle of the box became a scrappy affair as it bounced off a number of players before Matsuda got his toes to it to sneak it into the back of the net and giving Kandorith the lead. There was a brief delay in the play as both More Tamura and Ty Feltron got in loggerheads with both players receiving yellow cards. Despite the scuffle on the field both players were seen to be friendly towards each other at the State Banquet held later in the evening. In the dying minutes of injury time Kandorith put the game to bed after Hayashi chipped Polinoir. After receiving a pass he raced down the wing cutting inside as he headed towards the goal as Polinoir came charging out, Hayashi chipped it over the head of the keeper who could do nothing but watch it bounce into the goals sealing the win for the visitors.

Both teams were guests at the State Banquet held at Upspring Palace in the evening, with local Fillets of Blue Trout filled with salmon mousse on a bed of leeks with a white wine cream sauce, roasted White Hills Venison with autumnal vegetables and sherry icecream and choclate parfait with season fruits and coffee afterwards served to the guests . With the seating arranged to mix the players and officials the banquet gave the two teams a rare opportunity to discuss the game with manager Lewis Parry commenting that he was able to learn a lot from Kandorith manager Ken Hayabusa during the evening.

[Cassadaigua]

Dahlin Lifts The Fillies,
by Chelsea Dufresne, Concord Heights Times

After World Cup 84, Ashley Dahlin seemed as though she would be the frontrunner to take over the spot up front that used to be filled by the great Hannah Ranucci. With the former #33 now retired and her number now sitting on monument wall, that spot was for the taking. However, there was a problem. Dahlin and Rachel Schanke just never seemed to click. Now, if you are reading this for the first time, don’t misinterpret that as the players not wanting it to click. They worked hard with one another, but sometimes two players even though they seem to be that best two options, just don’t have that special thing called chemistry between them. On many occasions, they had played together, and it did not work. So, in the Wonder Cup and the pursuing aggressive slate of pre-qualifying friendlies, manager Stephanie Sweeney held an unofficial competition amongst forward candidates to see who clicked the best with Rachel Schanke. There was no way that Schanke was losing her spot, so it was important to figure it out. Dahlin tried, and at times the chemistry showed improvement, but over the long haul, there was an extra spark that was present between Rachel Schanke and Eddie Malone. As such, Malone was rewarded with starting spot, leaving Ashley Dahlin to get a role as the first substitute.

Ashley Dahlin has been a great trooper on the sidelines, and with things going well for the team, she had no reason to be disappointed. Many games have turned into routs for the Fillies, meaning that Dahlin has received significant playing time in most games. She has made the most of it, scoring six goals in the team’s first 18 games, and when you consider she is averaging about 30 minutes per game, she has done her job. If there was ever a need to replace Schanke or Malone, then Sweeney would not hesitate to play Dahlin. However, all of Ashley’s goals have been “tack on” goals, really. Coming with the result well decided in the late moments, Dahlin’s goals haven’t been all that meaningful. Last night in Sargossa, that all changed.

Playing a team that desperately needed a win at home to keep their extremely slim qualification hopes alive (and as a nation that typically does qualify), the Corsairs had played a complete game, executing extremely well both offensively and defensively. They would take a 1-0 lead into the intermission, and then broke a 1-1 tie (Sierra Mattison scored in the 51st for Cassadaigua) on a Diego Alejandro Costa goal in the 62nd, making the over 100,000 in attendance at Estadio Generalissimo Joaquín Delgado loudly cheer and think that their team could be on the verge of a big win. Eight minutes later, Stephanie Sweeney would sub off Eddie Malone in favor of Ashley Dahlin. This type of move was not unusual, but now it was a great opportunity for Dahlin to come up with an important goal, not just a tack on goal. In the 79th minute, after a great set up from Meghan Wolcott, Dahlin fired the game tying goal past Roberto Penedo, which for the moment was the biggest goal she scored in qualifying. The crowd was deflated, and perhaps the energy of the Sargossan defense was as well and the three points they needed and were so close to getting had just been cut to one potential point. However, there was still time to play, and before you know it, the Corsairs would be wishing they could be tied again. After another great long ball from Meghan Wolcott, to Rachel Schanke put the Fillies in business, Schanke made a pretty behind the back, no-look pass to Ashley Dahlin, who was to her left, and Dahlin fired home the eventual game winner in the 83rd. What was this about no chemistry between Schanke and Dahlin? Well, at least on that play it looked pretty darn good, and they both seemed to enjoy it.

The result makes Cassadaigua 17-1-1 and puts the magic number to five. And really, you can call it four, because we have a 38-goal advantage over third place Timuria in goal differential, which is the first tiebreaker. Five games remain, and manager Stephanie Sweeney seems ready to give others on the team chances to start and play, but as we have said before, that does not happen until the letter “Q” is next to our point total.

[Hapilopper]

Capital Stadium, Hapilopper City
World Cup 85 Qualifying Match 19: Hapilopper v. Hampton Island
It seemed as if Hapilopper and Hampton Island were starting to become rivals in everything they faced off in. In baseball, Hapiloppian pitchers intentionally walked Hampton Island’s power hitter, Midnight the bear, understanding that if Midnight even as much as made contact with the ball, that ball was leaving the park. In response, Team Blue, the team that represents Hapilopper in the NSSCRA, received chicken suits courtesy of the baseball team. In football, it seemed like the Golden Bears had Hapilopper’s number, having beaten them 2-1 in their last scrap.

This evening was going to be a wild one in Capital Stadium. The rowdy Hapiloppian fans were more than ready to make the match about as loud as possible. On top of all that, it was raining. Not just a light drizzle, either. It was a nice, steady, downpour that had lasted for much of the day, and it did nothing to dampen the spirits of the Hapiloppian fans. They had heard that Nate Ellis had given up his starter’s position to Clive Blackburn, who had won the hearts and minds of Hapiloppians everywhere with his shrewd defense work. The fans were at a fever pitch. They had to be. This might be Hapilopper’s last best shot to get out of Cup of Harmony Hell and make it to the World Cup.

But then, the power went out.

As the Haps and the Golden Bears were emerging from under the tunnel, the lights at Capital Stadium started flickering, and then went out entirely. Over 65,000 raucous fans started screaming, and for about 20 minutes, both teams just stood there, waiting for the lights to come back on. When they did come back on, they revealed Hapilopper City police chasing a couple of drunk fans rampaging around the pitch. A few other fans had hit the pitch, but it was nothing malicious and it was nothing in an attempt to go after the Hampton Island fans. These were just drunk fans, having fun, trying to pass the time. A handful of arrests were made, but the HC Police pretty much understood that none of the fans were intending to do anything malicious to anyone from either team or to each other.

After a delay of 30 or 40 minutes, the match finally got started, amid a downpour that just got heavier. It turned Capital Stadium’s artificial turf into a slip-and-slide. Hapiloppian players found themselves tripping all over the pitch, ruining any shot at goal that the Haps might have had. The end result? A frustrating 0-0 tie, dropping the Haps to fourth behind Mercedini, who scored a 3-2 victory over Gopnikea.

After the match, Buddy Martinez was incensed at his players, demanding why in the blue hell that team blew a shot like that against a team like Hampton Island – one of their rivals for that second transfer spot.

“If we don’t qualify for this tournament, we might as well stay home because I DON’T want to go to that god damned Cup of Harmony!” Buddy roared. “We’re a World Cup qualifying team! We had better start playing like it!”

“But, Coach…” Bobby East started.

“BUT COACH NOTHING!” Buddy screamed. “We were in second place! We were going to qualify for that World Cup! Now, where are we? Fourth! We’ve blown shots, we’ve given up points and for what? We get relegated to that god damn Cup of Harmony and it will stain you! People are going to ask, boy, those Hapiloppians sure started off strong but boy, they sure find themselves going for consolation prizes a lot, do they?”

It was obvious that Buddy was sick and tired of blowing opportunities.

“This was going to be our chance. Everyone said we were going to qualify,” Buddy continued. “But what do we do? We screw the pooch. We’ve got just a few more matches to go. Now, we can just lay down and say ‘you know what, you’re right. We’re consolation prize material and no more. We’re too full of our own shit.”
Buddy looked around and every single player and started up again.

“Or, we could say FUCK YOU, you’re wrong. FUCK YOU, we’re right! We’re the Hapilopper National By-God Football Team and we’re going to kick your ass! We’re going to go out there for 90 minutes and run your ass up and down that football field! We deserve MORE than a Cup of Harmony consolation prize! We are WORLD CUP MATERIAL!!”

That speech was resonating with the players. It resonated with them the next morning when practice got underway. There were just a few matches to go and the Haps had to play their best football ever. They had to. The only alternative – a spot in the Cup of Harmony – was too distasteful to even consider.

[Sarzonia]

No matter how many differences there are between brothers, similar experiences can instill certain common traits between them.

Such was the case for young Sarzonian national football team goalkeeper Carlton Sandt. The younger brother of World Cup champion Stars goalkeeper Horace Sandt in some ways barely resembled his older brother in life experience or temperament.

Horace Sandt was surrounded by a veteran-laden Stars team of defenders and defensive midfielders and didn't have to take charge in the back. Carlton Sandt is decidedly more vocal than his older brother and regularly positioned his defence. He also challenged defender Russ Howard when he didn't move after captain Clayton Wilson instructed him to.

More than differences in styles of play, the two also had vastly different experiences growing up. Even though both Horace and Carlton had the same mother and father, their parents were barely 18 when Horace was born. They had to learn to bridge the distance between being buddy-buddy with their son and having to be parents. In retrospect, it was a battle Charles and Katherine Sandt faced their entire lives.

Conversely, both Charles and Katherine were approaching their 40s when she unexpectedly became pregnant with Carlton. Even though it had been a long time since Katherine Sandt had dealt with diapers and breast feeding, and she didn't have the benefit of her parents and her older sister Joyce to help out, she had one thing she lacked with Horace: Experience.

Horace spent a lot of time visiting his aunt and his two cousins and also his grandparents. Joyce Sanford taught her nephew Horace the importance of sharing. His grandparents instilled the necessity of hard work. Katherine Sandt had more time to instil those values in Carlton since his older brother was already in the Sarzonian football pipeline by the time Carlton was born.

Even though their life experiences were different, Carlton still looked up to his brother, even though Horace was more like a third parent to his baby brother. Carlton wanted to play keeper like his brother. He wanted to be like Horace in a lot of ways.

One thing the Sandt brothers shared was resilience. Even though Carlton Sandt was benched in favour of Paolo Gomes during Sarzonia's disappointing 4-4 draw to Huayramarca that dropped the Stars back out of the second World Cup qualifying position in Group 7 with Jeruselem blasting Acronius 3-0 at Dazza Dallas Stadium, Sandt took the benching in stride.

"Look, I didn't play well," he said. "Sometimes, you get sent to the bench even when it's not your fault when you're in goal. That's just life." He quickly pointed out that there were "at least" two goals he'd have wanted to have back and added that losing two points in the Group 7 table just before the team's bye "really doesn't help."

Manager Kevin Connelly said Gomes would get the start in goal against Competitive Solitaire, but Sandt would start against Darmen in Johnho.

"We're going to need Carlton," Connelly said. "I might have been riding him a little bit too hard, but he's been an important piece in what we've been doing so far."

Carlton Sandt said he talks to Horace Sandt "as much as possible," saying that they spend a lot of time going over scenarios, talking over what Carlton
did well, areas of improvement, ways to handle various relationships between the young keeper and his teammates. Horace Sandt praised his little brother for being "tremendously receptive" to feedback.

"He constantly wants to improve himself," Horace Sandt said. "He and I don't talk a lot about my era, except when he asks me about similar situations I faced, how I handled them, and what I learned and how he could apply it now." Carlton Sandt said he's "incredibly fortunate" to have an older brother who went through many of the same things he's dealing with now.

"Just having someone around to bounce things off when they get it is wonderful," Carlton Sandt said. "It makes a difference having someone with that kind of perspective in my life."


Group 7
Jeruselem 3–0 Acronius
Aimena 3–0 Simpralia
Darmen 6–1 Welzat
South Charlia 3–2 Nephara
Competitive Solitaire 0–0 Great Lausitz
Sarzonia 4–4 Huayramarca

   Group 7                                     Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 Nephara                                      18   15   1   2    64   13  +51    46
 2 Jeruselem                                    18   12   2   4    50   27  +23    38
 3 Sarzonia                                     19   11   4   4    50   36  +14    37
 4 Darmen                                       18   10   5   3    48   29  +19    35
 5 Acronius                                     19    9   1   9    32   37   −5    28
 6 Delaclava                                    18    7   5   6    45   43   +2    26
 7 Simpralia                                    19    6   6   7    26   33   −7    24
 8 Welzat                                       19    6   6   7    23   35  −12    24
 9 Aimena                                       18    6   2  10    21   36  −15    20 
10 Huayramarca                                  18    4   6   8    35   43   −8    18 X
11 South Charlia                                19    4   3  12    20   37  −17    15 X
12 Great Lausitz                                18    3   4  11    19   36  −17    13 X
13 Competitive Solitaire                        19    3   3  13    16   44  −28    12 X

SCHEDULE
MD 1: @ Delaclava^ W, 6-4
MD 2: v. Acronius L, 0-2
MD 3: @ Simpralia (Glory Park, capacity 122,000) W, 5-3
MD 4: v. Welzat L, 2-4
MD 5: @ Nephara L, 1-4 (Farham Arena, Sabrefell, capacity 88,046)
MD 6: v. Great Lausitz W, 1-0
MD 7: @ Huayamarca (Estadio Olímpico del Oriente, Sechura, capacity 26,000) W, 4-2
MD 8: BYE
MD 9: v. Competitive Solitaire W, 1-0
MD 10: @ South Charlia W, 2-0
MD 11: v. Darmen D, 2-2
MD 12: @ Aimena W, 2-0
MD 13: v. Jeruselem D, 2-2
OFF DAY
MD 14: v. Delaclava W, 5-3 (game played at Pride of Manchester, capacity 110,000)
MD 15: @ Acronius L, 1-3
MD 16: v. Simpralia D, 3-3
MD 17: @ Welzat W, 3-0 (Sir James Tretol Memorial Stadium, capacity 19,595)
MD 18: v. Nephara W, 1-0
MD 19: @ Great Lausitz W, 5-0
MD 20: v. Huayramarca D, 4-4
MD 21: BYE
MD 22: @ Competitive Solitaire
MD 23: v. South Charlia
MD 24: @ Darmen (Stadio Rushmore, Johnho, capacity 70,000)
MD 25: v. Aimena
MD 26: @ Jeruselem (Dazza Dallas Stadium)

^Match was played at Dave Wilson Stadium in Woodstock.

Note: Except for the match in Manchester, Delaclava, all of Sarzonia's home matches will be played at Dave Wilson Stadium in Woodstock, capacity 105,900.

[Cheergirls]

Meghan Banks was glad to help Sir Barsanuphius and the Independent Cocoa-bo Commission that would speak to her in Hazel City. She was pretty surprised how he would be able to make this trip while also playing for his soccer team, but she was also just beginning to learn about alternate dimensions and realities in school so it didn’t phase her all too much. She was comfortable with him, but felt Senator Copronymuso was a little awkward. Meghan would do the best that she could, and would emerge from the gym after the line of discussion.

Back on the field, her teammates were all outside waiting for her, wanting to find out what exactly was said, and in much detail. Meghan said what she could, but it was not really something that would stand out. She was just a witness with that was going on, and over time had drawn so much respect for Sir Barsanuphius The Bold, that she wanted to help the study of the effects of cocoa-bo. She was interested, as were most of the players, because of the way the team did play better after having the milkshakes.

“Do you want to do another experiment?” Daniella Catti asked her. Daniella had always been a great friend of hers, but was also now her biggest supporter in this crusade about cocoa-bo. “Maybe we should play another game with having it, just to see what happens.” Banks thought it was a great idea and smiled. She was about to say yes until it hit her, “No. We’re only playing Quakmybush. They are not very good anyway,” she replied. Catti nodded but still tried to convince her, “Well, what if it made us take a game that we probably could win anyway, and win it by an even larger margin then we probably would?”

Banks really wanted to do this in her head. It would just be an experiment for themselves, and she told Daniella that she wanted to think about it a little more, which she would. However, given the way Tara Milford’s mom was acting on social media, and a recent punishment of Tara by taking away her cellphone for a week due to refusing to consume cocoa-bo before the Tequilo match, Meghan thought this could be giving in to Tara’s mom and she did not want to do that. Prior to leaving for Quakmybush, Meghan told Daniella that there would be no cocoa-bo milkshakes.

Meanwhile, Tara Milford was having a very hard time with her mother since she was refusing to consume cocoa-bo. She wanted too only because she simply loved the taste of it, but she felt that she would be betraying her teammates if she did. Not only did she have her cellphone taken away from her, but now her mother put a parental control on the wireless connection, so Tara could not even use the wireless from her laptop after 5pm, and before 11am. Milford arrived to Quakmybush pretty ticked off at her mom, but was glad to be with her teammates. On the field, they played extremely well, routing the opponent, leading to players to post that they did not have the milkshakes. For now, all was pretty good with the squad.

[Alasdair I Frosticus]

Independent Cocoa-bo Commission
Transcript of Next Session

Sir Barsanuphius
Good Morning. Welcome to the next sitting of the Independent Cocoa-bo Commission. You join us here today at a turnip field in Electrum, a venue which our next witness...

Sweet-T
All glory to The Turnip! And to turnips! Down with beets! Down with The Beet! The turnips of Electrum demand to be heard!

Sir Barsanuphius
As I was saying, a venue which our next witness, Turnip reporter Sweet-T insisted on.

Sweet-T
YES! And I'm here to get you to admit the truth. You secretly want to ban COCOA-BO so you can have all the chocolatey goodness all to himself when you go into hiding late at night in your hermetic monastery! Admit your lust for the delicious crushed up remnants of cocoabo bird feathers mixed with milk and give up the charade that it is a performance-enhancing drink! The Unrepentant Cocoa-bo Inquisition must be exposed!

Sir Barsanuphius
Miss T, please. We've asked you to appear today in this ... unusual venue in the interests of fairness. Can you please display a little decorum?

Sweet-T
I scorn your decorum! How dare you try and besmirch the good name of the crushed cocoabo feathery goodness of Cocoa-bo! How can you have 'A fair and balanced independent inquiry' when you have a known anti-Cocoa-bo sympathiser and infidel on the Unrepentant Cocoa-bo Inquisition? Who is really funding the Unrepentant Cocoa-bo Inquisition? Why appoint some Senator who's never set foot in the real world to judge a case involving real people, real root vegetables and real drinks? How did the deadbeat-bunny-daddy that is Snuggles have the urinary capability of processing '20 litres of Cocoa-bo a day'? Why is it that when they started to drink Cocoa-bo, the glorious Electrum teams results became worse? You can't answer any of those questions, can you? So I pour even more scorn on your unrepentant inquisition!

Sir Barsanuphius
<puts hands to eyebrows>
Miss T, do you have anything constructive to add?

Sweet-T
I ask you perfectly reasonable questions, and you DON'T HAVE AN ANSWER. HA! So if you want to know the truth just look at this presentation...

<presents presentation>

...Which is why Cocoa-bo gives me the energy to say 'fuck you' to stinky lying Cocoa-bo-hoarding Sir Barsanuphius and the other two members of his Unrepentant Cocoa-bo Inquisition.

Mr Minett
Thank you for that fascinating presentation, Miss T; just one question about that final slide...

Sweet-T
Yes, you vile Jeckish chicken defiler?

Mr Minett
Your final slide states that if Cocoa-bo was addictive, then people would pour it all over their bodies. But haven't you smeared Cocoa-bo all over your body? I mean, isn't that Cocoa-bo all over your face and breasts right this very minute?

Sweet-T
THAT'S COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!!!!!! It's only because I love the delicious taste of Cocoa-bo so much! Cocoa-bo is amazing! Everyone should drink it all the time! Your pathetic life is incomplete without Cocoa-bo! Which is why Sir Barsanuphius wants to ban Cocoa-bo and hoard all the chocolatey goodness all to himself! You can't handle the truth! No truth-handler, you. BAH! I deride your truth-handling abilities!

Mr Minett
Well, you're certainly very keen on Cocoa-bo, Miss T. I note only that the very fluffy and puppy-loving Bunny Snuggles specifically said 'don't trust anyone who smears Cocoa-bo all over their bodies; it's a sure sign of an addict'.

Sweet-T
BUT, THAT'S...

Mr Minett
Your witness, Senator.

Senator Copronymuso
Miss T, why do you torture and kill innocent little puppies for fun?

Sweet-T
WHAT? That's... I...

Senator Copronymuso
So you don't deny that you torture and kill innocent little puppies for fun?

Sweet-T
No, I...

<stands up; bangs table; shouts>

I ABSOLUTELY DENY that I torture and kill innocent little puppies for fun!

Senator Copronymuso
Surely only someone who did indeed torture and kill innocent little puppies for fun would so vehemently deny that she tortures and kills innocent little puppies for fun.

Sweet-T
Well that's completely stupid. What chance does that give me? Alright then... I do torture and kill innocent little puppies for fun! HA! TAKE THAT!

Senator Copronymuso
I rest my case. I think you can turn her microphone off now.

Sir Barsanuphius
Thank you, Senator.

<Sweet-T is jumping up and down, gesticulating wildly, and trying to say something; but her microphone has been cut off>

I'm glad that we've had the opportunity to hear from witness who opposes the commission's work, in the interest of fairness and the need to consider different points of view; though of course it saddens me that said witness is an alleged puppy murderer and Cocoa-bo addict. No doubt fair-minded viewers will take that into consideration when reviewing her .... evidence, such as it is.

Session adjourned!

[Northwest Kalactin]

How a Kalactanian Soccer Player Trains with star Jimmy McCarthy
Host: Everyone welcome the star striker of the Kalactanian team Jimmy McCarthy. He will be here to tell us about a day in the life of a Kalactanian National Team player, welcome Jimmy!

JM: Hey there folks, and our host here is correct! You will find out how a Kalactanian soccer player trains.

Host: Alright, so let’s start with basics, how does a Kalactanian player get his exercise in each day?

JM: Well first, many players start the day out by going on a 2 or 3 mile run. During the middle of the day, all players attend a training session with the rest of the team. Later in the day most of the players attend a weightlifting session which helps them improve strength in every part of their body. Sometimes players go on a shorter group run at night.

Host: And how do you guys eat most of the time?

JM: Well some players eat a vegetable based diet which keeps them very fit through the months they aren’t doing as much training. Many players also do high protein diets also.


Northwest Kalactin 4-3 Chromatika
Well a very good game for the Kalactanians today, they ended up beating Chromatika, who came into the tournament looking like favorites. Chromatika started out with a disastrous stretch at first, but was able to start putting some Ws up on the board. Chromatika however, was not able to handle the high powered attack of the Kalactanian team. Luke Dillan had a beautiful goal today as he was able to loft a shot over the Chromatika goalie. Even though the Kalactanians also had some trouble on defense, both Matt Hall and Jake Dakota had great games today both earning ratings of 9s. Jimmy McCarthy, who has surely been the man of the tournament for Northwest Kalactin, also scored a goal today.

[Zwangzug]

"Uh," said Hallam. "If I, you know. Die before you do. Can you take over the notes."

"If you die before I do, it'll probably be in a nursing home in sixty years," Fiona said briskly, "hopefully on the moon."

"The moon?"

"Well, yeah, we want technology and sustainable exploration to keep moving forward, don't we?"

"What does that have to do with--"

"Although if you subscribe to some of the theories about time dilation and sports--"

"I'm serious, this--"

"Not that it matters because I'm probably not cracking the national team any time soon."

"Please," he said. "I don't--just want it to leave off."

"Are you typecasting me?"

"What?"

"Just because we play the same position doesn't mean I'm a nerd like you, that's rude. Go annoy, I don't know, Niels or someone."

Hallam stiffened. "Fine," he said, and paced off.

Fiona hurried after him. "Hey. I didn't--okay, I kind of meant it literally, but you can just ask nicely?"

He rolled his eyes, the effect of which was somewhat lessened by not turning around. "Please, Fiona, would you kindly consider recording my date of death under your preferred time dilation system, in the event such records are necessary?"

"Of course," said Fiona, "and you're welcome."

"Not of course, you don't get to make mock and then of course me."

"All I mean is, you're not that weird. Someone else would be doing this, if you weren't." She nodded down at the clipboard, where on yet another piece of paper, he had recorded the date of Bridget's death. "Someone else will, if you can't."

"You sound almost as confident in that as you do about the moon landings."

"Remember Tsuki?"

"Who?"

"Misako Tsuki, from Trink. I assume you played against her, at some point?"

"I don't remember." Hallam blinked. "Time dilation, like you said."

Fiona groaned. "Whatever. Scored a lot of goals. Then wound up recruited into some side project to research causes of death, you know, those pie charts that the World Assembly broadcasts?"

"The World Assembly?"

Some people were just out of it, even before being stranded. "Never mind. Most people die of old age. Obviously, our lifespans being long. Some people allegedly get lost in the wilderness, which is weird, and she figured it was an artifact of the way they count AI."

"Okay."

"Because it's a valid question, yeah? If you were about to die, would you rather just disappear and have people keep hoping? Or stick around and make sure someone knew the gory details?"

"Hope is good," said Hallam, "but I feel like in that context, that would create more problems than it solved."

"Which is what Misako said. At least here."

"Here?" Maybe the mountains were their own kind of wilderness.

"Zwangzug. Someone would keep tallying, so that whoever found us--would know. That we weren't just abducted by aliens or froze to death because we couldn't work the heat, that we had reasons and we knew the risks. You're not the only one who would want that--everyone else would too."

Hallam exhaled. "Then why are you giving me a hard time about it?"

"Because you are a nerd."

"When you put it that way," said Hallam. "It's only a little of an occupational hazard."

Tim approached and Fiona was about to interrupt that he counted as an honorary Zwangzugian too, in the ways that mattered, under the circumstances. But the defender spoke first. And then Hallam was gripping his pencil again, hard and frozen, and writing Connie Stross, #14...

[Banija]

'Golden ticket' punched as Banija qualifies for the World Cup Finals with 6 matchdays remaining in World Cup Qualifying


Banijan players celebrate in the locker room after qualifying for World Cup 85

UMBAZI, BUGANDA- Here, on Matchday 20 of this marathon that we call World Cup Qualifying, multiple nations began punching their tickets to Mriin and Farfadillis. That's how you know you are in the stretch run of things- when the first nations start booking their places well ahead of time. And fortunately for us, we can finally count ourselves in that first batch of nations. Fans of the Kadongo Kamu can be nothing but pleased at the World Cup Qualifying campaign so far. With 5 games left across six matchdays, we have already both qualified for the World Cup, and won the group in general. We haven't lost yet- the only time we dropped points throughout this campaign, a 3-3 draw in Floyssauu on Matchday 15.

And that also means another thing has been clinched- the Kadongo Kamu, since they have now clinched the group, will have officially gone wire to wire in 1st place across the entire Qualification campaign. It's a tough thing to do. But we won 3-0 away from home against Mercedini to start the campaign, and haven't really slowed down from there. It's easily the best Banijan Qualification campaign ever(So far), in terms of consecutive Matchdays in first place, points percentage, winning percentage, etc... you name it. It's a day worthy of celebration.

However, many fans are not going to celebrate it. And that is downright reasonable- it shows how far we've come since the RBSA reconstituted before World Cup 79. Nobody expected quite this dominant of a campaign, but it is what we are supposed to do. The manager, Marcus Waters, spoke to reporters about it after the match. "Qualifying for the World Cup, of course, is something that we are supposed to do at this current point." He told us. "Now, don't get me wrong- Qualifying is difficult no matter your rank. All the frequent flyer miles, all the pressure of playing for your national team, the ability to play well away from home. And, of course, when you're in Pot 1, you're getting everybody's best shot. The away stadiums are that much more energized, opponents are that much more locked in. And, of course, we've dispatched most comers at this point."

"But while I'm proud of our campaign so far, there are two things to remember. One- the campaign isn't over. Even if we've qualified, there are still five games left. And we aren't slowing down now. I will be making some roster changes for the last stretch run- the players we will see down the stretch will have hunger, will have drive. The final 23 for the Finals have not been picked yet, and there are a number of players on the bubble. They will now get their chance to impress. There are high stakes games left, as well- our remaining trips to Lisander and Hapilopper, particularly, will be telling. Both of those teams are fighting for a berth in the World Cup, and they'll take a huge step forward if they can beat us on their home field. Our goal is to make sure that doesn't happen."

Marcus Waters also asked if he was pursuing being the #1 overall team from World Cup Qualifying. "I mean, who wouldn't want it, eh? But tell me this. I can name the last six World Cup winners off the top of my head, since I arrived in Banija. In order, from 79-85- Schottia, Brenecia, Vilita, Vilita again, Equestria, and Farfadillis. Can anyone name to me the very best team from Qualifying in any of those years?" And none of the reporters in the room. "That's exactly what I thought. Don't get me wrong, it would be nice to have. But this team has lots of talent. The goal isn't to be #1 in things that people won't remember as soon as the Finals start. The goal is to be remembered, the goal is to leave a legacy- both at home and abroad. When you're from a nation that has been to multiple World Cups already, that legacy simply cannot be left in World Cup Qualifying."

[Torisakia]

KOHNHEAD 0-2 TORISAKIA

Kohnhead:
None.

Torisakia:
Kallian 27'
Wallace 81'

Woo-hoo, Torisakia won. Big deal. I'm upset. I called the Humane Labs last night and they said that they wouldn't sell me Cassidy-Bot (that's what I call it anyway) because it's "government property". I even offered to give them my dog Chuggles in exchange for Cassidy-Bot and they declined. Who wouldn't take that trade? I know of plenty of people that would take Chuggles over some stupid robot in a heartbeat. Sure Chuggles ate my sofa, drank my emergency drinking water, and ordered over T$1000 worth of pay-per-view, but we all make mistakes in our lives. Maybe I can talk to my lawyer who can then talk to someone affiliate with the government who can then talk to Humane Labs and convince them to sell me Cassidy-Bot. I just want a robotic personal assistant, dammit.

[Hampton Island]

(Shortly after the team walks out onto the pitch)

Clyde Benner: Man, I can’t remember the last time I played on a field this soaked.

Hank Andrews: It’s gonna probably kill us..... what the hell? (Players jump as the power goes out in the stadium)

Hannah Sanders: Oh my God!!

Roger Grant: It’s okay, Heather.

Hannah Sanders: Hannah. And we need to have lights this is scary!

Edwin Conney: Hannah, calm down!

Roger Grant: Sorry, must be all the rain getting to me. Did I ever tell you about the time about ten years ago when I played in a monsoon against Ellicott City?

Edwin Conney: The monsoon game was twenty years ago, Roger.

Hank Andrews: I remember that game. They cancelled it after thirty minutes. Or delayed it. It was 22 years ago, to be exact.

Hannah Sanders: And I bet they had lights. Please get the lights on. Please, please!

Roger Grant: It was a wild day one of the craziest games I have ever been in. We knew the weather would be bad, but there was some hope that the storm was going to pass to the north of us. So they tried to begin the game, and it just opened up. We still played though, because that is what they are supposed too. You guys remember why they called the game?

Edwin Conney: Do you?

Clyde Benner: Yeah, I remember, the referee fell and broke his leg. The substitute referee who was supposed to be on hand went home when it started raining really bad. They looked for him but could not find him and eventually decided to call the game due to lack of having an official.

Roger Grant: We were just saying have one of the linesman do it or take a fan out of the stands, but they would not agree to that. The game was crazy though, we all would have finished that game.

Hank Andrews: I remember my craziest game, typical muddy day in Marquette, ended up getting four inches of rain and the field was absolutely torn up. I managed to score two goals in the game. It was nuts, you could not do anything out there, but we kept on playing.

Hannah Sanders: Please, turn on the lights! Please!

Edwin Conney: Hannah, it will be okay. I never liked playing in the rain, ball gets awfully hard to handle. That’s probably how you scored those goals, Hank, I would imagine. Doubt you got good footing on the pitch to line it up like you do. Keeper just could not hold the ball.

Hank Andrews: Yeah it was something like that. Oh look, morons running onto the field.

Clyde Benner: He’s wearing a Stafford City shirt. Way to make us look bad, jerk.

Hannah Sanders: I hope they fall because they can’t see where they are going.

Roger Grant: Drunk people at the local stadium. Idiots.

Hank Andrews: It was a challenge to play in the mud while we were in our prime. On this turf, we could get killed.

Clyde Benner: It’ll be fun, just like the old days.

Hannah Sanders: Yes when the lights finally come on!

Edwin Conney: Soon enough, Hannah. Soon enough.