Why Am I Nice?

[Lost Memories]

Rather, this is a discussion as to what incentive is there for people in the world to be nice? Why should people be nice if they do not get the same common courtesy to be repaid? I can't figure out why. It's not hard to be nice; it just must be easier to be rude.

Being nice goes together with being selfless, and being selfless implies you're not doing it to get something in return from others.

People "acting" nice may do it for a return, people "being" nice do it because that's how they are.
The question should then be rather, are you acting nice or are you nice?

[Ifreann]

Nice is terrible. It's a placeholder word for the absence of personality.

People don't commit, either as deep friends or anything more, to someone who doesn't have more about them. It's one of the main reasons "nice guy syndrome" exists, this idea that you only have to be a vaguely polite non-entity and all the feeeeemales will be chasing you like you're the protag in a Lynx advert.

I was chased like the protagonist in a Lynx ad once. Those security guards were really persistent.

---

Being mean makes me feel bad

We can train that out of you with an intensive course of yelling at babies. The trick is to start off with ugly babies.

[LimaUniformNovemberAlpha]

Nice is terrible. It's a placeholder word for the absence of personality.

People don't commit, either as deep friends or anything more, to someone who doesn't have more about them. It's one of the main reasons "nice guy syndrome" exists, this idea that you only have to be a vaguely polite non-entity and all the feeeeemales will be chasing you like you're the protag in a Lynx advert.

Emphasis mine. What other word should one use to describe that which applies to grown women and young girls alike?

Anyway, it's pretty formulaic, but chivalry is what girls themselves implied they wanted in a man through their taste in media. It was perfectly reasonable to expect it to be if nothing else helpful, and disillusioning for those for whom it supposedly does not. It's at least a lot closer objectively definable than "the absence of personality," which never seemed to be anything more than a "know it when you see it" criterion.

. . .

Anyway, what you describe in the first paragraph is more about right and wrong than nice vs. not nice... actually, stuff like being religious isn't necessarily more moral than the alternative either. But niceness is not to be conflated with morality. The former is about being pleasant, the former is about bringing about more benefit than harm. Brutal honesty, tough love, etc... these are things that may or may not be "good," (morality is subjective and pretending otherwise is dishonest) but are often outright antonyms of nice.

We shouldn't always incentivize "niceness." Sometimes it does more harm than good. Society needs to incentivize doing what's right. At worst it'll undermine tests of moral character... eh, those weren't as rigorous as they were made out to be anyway. I doubt the average European has much more moral character than the average American, yet their society is much better.

[Petrolheadia]

I doubt the average European has much more moral character than the average American, yet their society is much better.

Being European, I'm very curious about your basis for such a declaration of inferiority?

[The Ashkeran Empire]

Because you must manipulate the masses with your kindness and generosity distracting them from the eventual take over by the Reptilians!

[LimaUniformNovemberAlpha]

I doubt the average European has much more moral character than the average American, yet their society is much better.

Being European, I'm very curious about your basis for such a declaration of inferiority?

I'm Canadian, actually.

For starters, Europe didn't have to brutalize prisoners as badly as Canada OR the USA to have better results preventing crime. It's almost as if better workplaces made the case for an honest day's work more convincing.

It's simply a matter of circumstance. The USA was born of bloodshed against a government, so to turn to their own in the fight against capitalism isn't really in their culture. They're otherwise decent people but their ideas of how to run a society are ridiculous and it shows.

[Erythrean Thebes]

Why are you?? Based on your description, seemingly because you are socialized for cooperation and the system of manners used in polite society. Not only that - after all, most Westerners are socialized in that system - more importantly, you feel a sense of success and are validated by accomplishing these ends. Likely, your reward system at a young age revolved around adherence to these prosocial values, and you adapted successfully, becoming trained to get happiness from accomplishing these goals. If you had failed to adapt, you would not be nice, you would have rejected the system of reward, to some degree or another.

Basically, your friends don't structure rewards for you the same way parents and authority figures did when you were a child. That's why you're confused and angered, because a pattern of behavior programmed to serve you (and society) doesn't align with the expectations of your friends. One solution could be to train yourself to self-reward, rather than relying on the reactions of others to feel validated. Or you could switch to a context-driven view, and use a range of value systems depending on who you are dealing with, and in what circumstances.

[Greater Cesnica]

I believe because that's your natural inclination, and that inclination is getting rarer nowadays.

[Page]

OP, you're confusing being nice with being "good", specifically being "good" by the standards your parents and community expect of you. A person who takes drugs and curses can be nice, following the rules and being good to people are not mutually dependent.

Now, as to your question, the answer, as it often is, is "it depends." Some of it is just conditioned behavior, a combination of society's expectations and instincts you've had reinforced over several years. Like holding a door open for someone. It's widely understood that if a person is half way across the parking lot, you don't have to stand there for half a minute holding the door, but also understood that if the person is right behind you, you shouldn't let the door close on their face. This sort of behavior isn't deliberate, and it doesn't involve much conscious thought.

Most of us are also conditioned to avoid or deescalate conflict, even in situations in which aggressive behavior in response to a threat would be entirely justifiable. Again, it's hardwired into your brain. It's just a thing you do.

There is also more conscious, deliberate kindness, especially when it comes to those with whom we have the strongest bonds. When we are compassionate and considerate to others, this behavior can come from admiration, empathy, solidarity, or love. We are kind to the people we care about for many reasons. Part of it is that we evolved to be social creatures and we instinctively recognize the cooperation is mutually beneficial. On a more conscious level, human beings crave to relate to others. When we relate to someone else, our own experiences are validated. A friend a day keeps the existential dread away, basically. So the more we relate to another person and the more that person relates back, the stronger the bond becomes. And when the bond is strong, we consciously desire to be kind toward those we are bonded with.

But you also have to face the fact that you and me and every single person alive will from time to time be a jerk, because emotions like anger, contempt, and jealousy also have power over us.

[US-SSR]

1. Because mean people suck.

b. Because there is more to life than getting one up on the next person. The poorest people in the world are those who have only money.

[Kubra]

If one acts nice, one generally is paid in kind. Not necessarily rewarded, but not certainly not punished. 'niceness' is how we survive in close social quarters. The practical benefits of being nice go without saying.

[Internationalist Bastard]

There is none
Life is easier if you’re a dick
It’s harder if your a good person
Just the way it is

[Las Palmeras]

Why be nice?
To expect some kind of reciprocity in return; to be blunt, I don't mean sex. I mean "I won't hurt you and you won't hurt me".

Why not be nice?
To place a limit that screams out "Don't fuck with me!"

...
But hey, that's just me living in one of the world's biggest metropolitan areas and in crowded public transport.

[Dogmeat]

Because you're in France, near Italy.

[Geneviev]

Nice people don't accomplish anything in life. That's why they're that much better than the rest of us.

[Infected Mushroom]

Why be nice?

Its really simple.

As Lord Bolton said: "If you acquire a reputation as a mad dog, you’ll be treated as a mad dog. Taken out back and slaughtered for pig feed."

You can't afford that kind of a reputation. Being known as a Nice Person makes sure you are safe from the crowd, well at least until you trip and fall (then you can expect most of the people to grab your face and grind you into the dirt or do nothing).

However, I would say its not that you have to be Nice. You have to put in enough to effort to Seem Nice. There's a difference. Remember, there are enemies everywhere but enemies can treat each other with respect if it makes things easier.

[Petrolheadia]

Nice people don't accomplish anything in life. That's why they're that much better than the rest of us.

That'd make them worse,,unless we're looking at it from a "more for us" angle.

[Kyrinasaj]

See it as a gift, polite people or nice people have a starting point to build a positive reputation for themselves and could do better in social life.

I have lost count of the numbers of times I was just disgusted by people I don't know, I have no inclinations towards niceness and that will get me in trouble in social life.

It's mostly about the life you prefer to lead though.

[Trumptonium1]

I don't like nice people. Or more specifically, overexcited people or disingenuous people.

If you're one of them, you're most likely haunted by people like me. If it is not 'returned' then people most likely see you as doing the latter - your niceness isn't real.

I'm similar, but I don't see that niceness as fake, just as unnecessary and somewhat annoying,

National sport?

[Geneviev]

Nice people don't accomplish anything in life. That's why they're that much better than the rest of us.

That'd make them worse,,unless we're looking at it from a "more for us" angle.

No, it makes them better because they're nice without getting anything.

[Petrolheadia]

That'd make them worse,,unless we're looking at it from a "more for us" angle.

No, it makes them better because they're nice without getting anything.

I still feel it morally ambiguous to feel like this about exploiting people.

[Yokotari]

Because this world is an absolutely toxic place with war, disease, poverty and all-around horrible people. I have incredible amounts of respect for those who genuinely try to be nice to everyone, to open their worldview and not judge people based on their appearance. Saying that its easier to be nice is a lie, and i'm sure you know that its a lie. Its easy to be polite, its hard to be genuinely nice to everyone, to let insults and such pass you by and work for something better in life.

Anyone who defames you on this forum for being "weak" or "not driven" is another toxic individual who doesn't understand that you can be happier being nice than selfish and rude. They obviously haven't tried it or they wouldn't feel that way. Speaking from experience, i consider myself a highly motivated and hard-working individual, i have the respect of many of my peers and best of all, i'm happy with my life.

There was never a heroic asshole. People who are regarded as heroes tend to be morally righteous and good people with more empathy for those around them than selfishness to protect their own lives. When there is a crisis, that is when you will see the wheat separate from the chaff. The people we remember in stories, people we look up to and remember are not selfish, they are good people who made a difference in the world, either over an extended period of time or on a single day.

Here's a short list of people who don't suck.
Dobri Dobrev
Mother Teresa
Bob Ross
Martin Luther King Jr
Fred Rogers
Buddha
Jesus
Mahatma Gandhi
Anne Frank
Maximilian Kolbe
Victoria Leigh Soto
Aaron Feis
Desmond Doss
Major Charles L. Kelly
Welles Crowther
Rick Rescorla
Kyle Carpenter

This one is more of a legend, but still worth noting:
St. Mary's Trumpet Call

Be a nice person because you'll make the world a better place than if you were not.

Compassion is inherent in all people because we see what is or could happen to us, and we want to be fair, because we wouldn't want to be them. We try to treat them how we desire to be treated so we feel like we deserve that treatment.

The smile on another person's face let us know we succeeded.

That is at least, how I see it.

Niceness is good, but if it's your only defining feature-no other hobbies, interests, etc.-you're not going to be worth it to many people to talk to or date. That's what the so-called "nice guy" trope refers to, thinking niceness is a substitute for personality.

Edit: Also, this ^

[US-SSR]

There is none
Life is easier if you’re a dick
It’s harder if your a good person
Just the way it is

Life is hard for everyone. It's a lot harder if you're stupid. Mean people are often also stupid people, QED.

[Dark Socialism]

There's no reason to be nice other than to increase my XP and not be ousted

[LimaUniformNovemberAlpha]

Here's a short list of people who don't suck.
Dobri Dobrev
Mother Teresa
Bob Ross
Martin Luther King Jr
Fred Rogers
Buddha
Jesus
Mahatma Gandhi
Anne Frank
Maximilian Kolbe
Victoria Leigh Soto
Aaron Feis
Desmond Doss
Major Charles L. Kelly
Welles Crowther
Rick Rescorla
Kyle Carpenter

This one is more of a legend, but still worth noting:
St. Mary's Trumpet Call

Emphasis mine. Have you seen the Penn&Teller:Bullshit episode about those two and the Dalai Lama?

This might seem off topic, but it really isn't. How can we incentivize niceness if we aren't skeptical enough of it to align the reputation to fit the reality?