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Title:
The Golden Oldies
The Issue:
As the likelihood of people reaching their one-hundredth birthday is greater than ever before, there is much discussion about how you can honour that special occasion.
VALIDITY: No geronticide, average or greater than average lifespan.
Option 1:
"Something personal, something meaningful…" mutters your Minister of Party Planning. "I've got it! What could be more personal than sending a card with your best wishes on the Big Day? Well, depending on the number of birthdays you might have to delegate that task to a group of aides, or maybe a machine. But hey, it's the thought that counts, right?"
EFFECT: @@LEADER@@'s "personal" cards are delivered straight to centenarians' shredders
Option 2:
"A signed card? I get loads of those every year on my birthday from people I actually know," remarks your secretary. "Yeah, loads and loads. No, give them old folks something special instead, something that they don't get every year. Like a bottle of something nice, or a free meal at a fancy restaurant, or a commemorative plate with your face on it."
EFFECT: the seven-piece tea set with its iconic "@@LEADER@@ running through a field of wheat" design is a surprise hit
Option 3:
"Oh, bugger that!" snaps nonagenarian @@RANDOMNAME@@, who you're told will reach a hundred in a matter of months. "I don't want some piffling piece of trifle from you when I turn a hundred. Cough up that cash for some celebratory perks instead, like free public transport, money off my heating bill or even a pension boost."
EFFECT: @@NAME@@ is renowned for its freeloading old-timers
Option 4:
"I'm, uh, not too keen on those ideas," mumbles your Minister of Party Pooping. "It's not that I don't like old people; some of my best friends are old people. It's just that… uhm… taxes! Yeah, it's because those ideas cost taxes. Just make a statement once a year wishing everyone in the nation a happy birthday – that includes old people too, by the way."
EFFECT: @@LEADER@@ "wishes everyone turning insert number here this year a very happy birthday"
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