Lord Almighty Gregory's Speech to the People
"Good evening, ladies, gentlemen, and slaves. I speak to you today from Ilyseum, previously the Realm of the False Gods, but at least temporarily the Realm of the False Gods and One True God, as I am here preparing for the Olympia Games. But I digress. Let me talk about what is really important.
"Earlier today, in Hannasea, our brave, noble Enemy Crushers crushed to death five fans of the wicked, heathen nation of Beaverriver. These wicked, heathen fans were holding a sign which declared, in full blasphemy, that I, Lord Almighty Gregory, am not God. Everyone who is remotely intelligent knows that I am God, but these Beaver Brains did not. They insisted on holding the sign and paid with their lives.
"To start, I would like to congratulate our brave, noble Enemy Crushers for crushing this heathen scum. They will be rewarded, both on Earth, with a 100 billion greggygodbuck reward, and in the Land of Eternal Reward, where they are surely headed when they should pass this mortal coil. However, it is more important to deal with the Beaver Brain scum.
"Thereofre, effective immediately, Beaverriver is added to the Enemy List. This means that anyone who kills a Beaver Brain will receive a one billion greggygodbuck reward. Obviously, killing Beaver Brains is legal in Gregoryisgodistan now. However, the Beaver Brain national teams are exempt, as is anyone dedicated to the overthrow of the government of that wicked, heathen nation. Beaverriver will pay for their sins, and they will pay dearly. Someday, we will nuke them into oblivion as we will do ultimately with all the Enemy List nations. We did it to Hicana, we did it to Associated Godlands, we did it to Vjaalsburg, we did it to Asuraia, and we will do it to everyone else on the Enemy List as well. Then the world will accept me as Lord and Master. More on nuking later in this speech. Stay tuned.
"Right now, however, let me finish talking about Beaverriver. In addition to killing all citizens of Beaverriver, it is now open hunting season on all beavers in Gregoryisgodistan, to symbolize our hatred for the Beaver Brains. One may kill the beavers with their bare hands or with any weapon which they are lawfully allowed to possess. Or get creative, pour gasoline on them, and light a match or something. Just kill all the beavers. Anyway, for each dead beaver you turn into a Gregoryisgodistani police station, you will receive a ten million greggygodbuck reward. Soon, we will wipe all the beavers and all the Beaver Brains off the map. They will all be destroyed.
"Speaking of being destroyed, now it is time for me to talk about other matters. There is a certain nation on our Enemy List, a nation with a fruity name whose mere mention is a vile sin against me, the One True Lord, but which I will simply call Xylocarpstan (OOC: it is Coconutstan.) Xylocarpstan, by giving themselves their actual vile name, has created a sin against me, the One True Lord. Worst of all, many of the citizens of that wicked, heathen nation, are actual, sapient xylocarps who choose to call themselves by the forbidden synonym. These fruits are an abhorrence to me, the One True Lord, and must die. Therefore, within a few short months, we will be nuking Xylocarpstan into oblivion, making them the fifth nation which we will have nuked into oblivion. All of those xylocarps, or should I say xylocraps, will die. They will be vaporized or burnt or dead of radiation poisoning, or something. That entire wicked nation will be destroyed. Oh yes, they will. They cannot fight us, they cannot stop us, we will destroy them in just a few short months. They won't know when it happens until it happens, and then they still won't because they'll be dead. Sure, the humans there will realize it when they wind up in the Land of Eternal Punishment being sliced by a Brownie Cutter of Death for all eternity, but xylocarps are just fruits and will neither end up in the Land of Eternal Punishment nor the Land of Eternal Reward. They are just fruits, and fruits die when they die, they don't move on to the afterlife. Same with the xyloponies, xylohumans, and other xylo hybrids. They will just cease to be like all fruit does when they die.
"And this is not unique to our faith. Other heathen religions share it too. Christians do not believe fruit goes to heaven or hell when it dies. Sure, you can eat fruit in the Land of Eternal Reward, you can eat whatever you want, for it is the Land of Eternal Reward. You can eat whatever you want, you can do whatever you want, it's the Land of Eternal Reward. It exists to reward you for being holy and noble. But anyway, the fruit in the Land of Eternal Reward isn't dead Earth fruit. It's fruit which was created by me, the Master of the Multiverse, specifically for that purpose. After all, I created the Multiverse, I created the Land of Eternal Reward, and I created the Land of Eternal Punishment. I created everything. But the dead Earth fruit just dies, it doesn't go to the Land of Eternal Reward. And if it did, it certainly wouldn't go there to be eaten. It would go there to be rewarded. But it's fruit, so it doesn't. Now, maybe fruits sentenced to the Land of Eternal Punishment could be eaten repeatedly in the Land of Eternal Reward instead of being sliced forever with the Brownie Cutter of Death, but that assumes fruits have a degree of intelligence which they do not have. They are fruits. They are stupid. And as such, after they die, they are neither rewarded nor punished. They just cease to be. This is what happens to all non-sapient beings. The only known sapient beings are humans, as we are the only sapient beings on Earth. However, intelligent aliens, if they exist, can be sapient as well, and thus be considered intelligent beings under Gregoryisgodistani religious and legal law. Alas, our scientists are not aware of any alien species, intelligent or otherwise.
"For now, I must wish you good night. But remember, I am your Lord, I am God, I will destroy our enemies with all my might, surrender now or prepare to fight."
