The World Assembly Strangers' Bar

[Wallenburg]

Eh what I mean, Jerry, is that she looks so calm, so peaceful, so different from her say-that-again-and-I'll-put-my-sword-through-your-radiator days. Yes? Eh. She and Kay are still ehhhhh friends without benefits, right? If not that ehhh that might explain the smile. Heh heh. No ehhhh no disrespect meant o' course.

Gerald chuckles. "That's certainly true, Ambassador. Although I'm fairly sure her sexuality has not changed. No disrespect taken, of course. I'm sure Helen would take none either."

[The Puddle Jumping Wads of Wrapper]

Ummmmmmmm. Huh. Heh. Heh heh. Heheheheheh. Hilarious dude, just hilarious and wait wait WAIT that ehhhhhhhh that ain't a joke, is it? Like, for reals? Huh! So ehhhhh does he know yet?

(Ahume looks across the room toward Bell and Ari.)

AHUME: Probably. But he won't say anything. Not yet.

TY: (noticing the picture on Ahume's tablet) Hey, that looks just like Ar--

AHUME: (clamps his free hand over Ty's mouth) No. It. Doesn't. Her name is Kay.

Gerald chuckles. "That's certainly true, Ambassador. Although I'm fairly sure her sexuality has not changed. No disrespect taken, of course. I'm sure Helen would take none either."

AHUME: Oh. Actually. (releases Ty's mouth and swipes through more pictures, stopping at one) Kay has a girlfriend now. Relief worker from Wrapper. Her name's Daria.

TY: I still think--

AHUME: No, you don't. Interns don't think. They just go and do. As in, Ty, go get our drinks, please.

[Herby]

Whoa, Wad Ahume, gettin' all butch there. Never woulda done that with the old intern, am I right? Ha!

[The Puddle Jumping Wads of Wrapper]

Whoa, Wad Ahume, gettin' all butch there. Never woulda done that with the old intern, am I right? Ha!

AHUME: (watching Ty walk away, shaking his head) Hell no. This kid needs some seasoning.

[Wallenburg]

Whoa, Wad Ahume, gettin' all butch there. Never woulda done that with the old intern, am I right? Ha!

AHUME: (watching Ty walk away, shaking his head) Hell no. This kid needs some seasoning.

Ogenbond's eyes widen. "Dear God! Seasoning!" He stares in horror at the Wads.

"No, no," says Gerald. "Not that kind of seasoning, sir. He's talking about experience. I don't believe the ambassadors from Wrapper partake in cannibalism."

Ogenbond gives Gerald a concerned stare before looking down at his universal translator. "What a waste of money, right Gerald? I don't know why other delegations don't keep real translators with them."

[Sierra Lyricalia]

AHUME: (watching Ty walk away, shaking his head) Hell no. This kid needs some seasoning.

Ogenbond's eyes widen. "Dear God! Seasoning!" He stares in horror at the Wads.

"No, no," says Gerald. "Not that kind of seasoning, sir. He's talking about experience. I don't believe the ambassadors from Wrapper partake in cannibalism."

Ogenbond gives Gerald a concerned stare before looking down at his universal translator. "What a waste of money, right Gerald? I don't know why other delegations don't keep real translators with them."

Steph, overhearing, grins with exaggeratedly wild eyes. "Oh, I dunno. The rosemary under the sunbeam in my office is doing better than ever. The damn thing's so lush it's almost juicy. We could totally spare some for... seasoning."

She looks over the young Wad appraisingly.

"Dry rub for a couple days, then smoked should work best, I'd think."

She looks up as though startled, then turns and winks at Gerald, hoping the angle concealed it from Ogenbond.

"I'm sorry, did I say all that shit out loud?"

[The Puddle Jumping Wads of Wrapper]

"Dry rub for a couple days, then smoked should work best, I'd think."

AHUME: (eyes wide open) No one is dry rubbing our intern. Do you understand? (He smiles and winks.) Not when we have the finest marinade in the quadrant.

[Tinfect]

"Dry rub for a couple days, then smoked should work best, I'd think."

AHUME: (eyes wide open) No one is dry rubbing our intern. Do you understand? (He smiles and winks.) Not when we have the finest marinade in the quadrant.

Illaren, feeling somewhat ignored despite his previous questions, catches onto the humor after a brief period of bewilderment, and gestures towards the weapon still propped against his seat,
"I'd offer to let you use the Co-Seventeen-B over there, but it doesn't seem to work here. Might want to try an open fire."

[Separatist Peoples]

Bell waves over a bartender. "Can I get a Toppy Header IPA?" Taking a sip of the resulting drink, Bell thinks for a moment. "Not bad, but it's not quite the wave of hops I prefer...maybe...hey, Neville? Can I get...eleven pounds of pale malt grain, some crystal malt at about forty Lovibond, and as many hop cones as you can pack into a carry-out bag? I have an idea..."

ARI: Oh for cryin' out loud, Benjamin, don't trouble yourself making that shit. Neville, make that a pound of pale malt grain, ten, no, twenty pounds of barley, and some brewers yeast. I'm telling you, Benjamin, you'll be begging for more after you taste this concoction three years from now.

"Bloody hell, what do you think I'm makin here, a barleywine?! Three years...gimme three weeks and you'll be swimming in a hoppy euphoria!"

"Dry rub for a couple days, then smoked should work best, I'd think."

AHUME: (eyes wide open) No one is dry rubbing our intern. Do you understand? (He smiles and winks.) Not when we have the finest marinade in the quadrant.

Bell lifts up a small hammer. "No tenderizing, either? I notice he didn't say "no" to being an arms smuggler, after all..."

AHUME: (eyes wide open) No one is dry rubbing our intern. Do you understand? (He smiles and winks.) Not when we have the finest marinade in the quadrant.

Illaren, feeling somewhat ignored despite his previous questions, catches onto the humor after a brief period of bewilderment, and gestures towards the weapon still propped against his seat,
"I'd offer to let you use the Co-Seventeen-B over there, but it doesn't seem to work here. Might want to try an open fire."

"Neville's got a grill back there, you know."

[The Puddle Jumping Wads of Wrapper]

Illaren, feeling somewhat ignored despite his previous questions, catches onto the humor after a brief period of bewilderment, and gestures towards the weapon still propped against his seat,
"I'd offer to let you use the Co-Seventeen-B over there, but it doesn't seem to work here. Might want to try an open fire."

TY: Um. Please don't cook me.

[Wallenburg]

Ogenbond steps back, terrified. "Y--you're all crazy, the lot of ya!" He looks at Gerald, desperately, then back at the ambassadors. "I'm saying you're crazy!" he shouts. Then he makes a break for the exit and tumbles out into the hallway.

Gerald looks at the ambassadors, half-amused and half-annoyed. "It's going to take me a while to explain that you all were joking. Anyhow, what were we talking about before the culinary humor?"

[Imperium Anglorum]

AHUME: (eyes wide open) No one is dry rubbing our intern. Do you understand? (He smiles and winks.) Not when we have the finest marinade in the quadrant.

Illaren, feeling somewhat ignored despite his previous questions, catches onto the humor after a brief period of bewilderment, and gestures towards the weapon still propped against his seat,

"I'd offer to let you use the Co-Seventeen-B over there, but it doesn't seem to work here. Might want to try an open fire."

Parsons, coming in just to get a refill on his champagne (turns out Telemachian champagne is all the rage in London this year), says, 'You chaps do know I brought a cook, right? If you'd like anything, I am sure we can offer our services'. He leaves a card on the counter and walks out. At the door, he stops, 'I'm actually headed to lunch right now, braised duck in a cranberry sauce or something of the like. If you'd like some, I can have the batman bring some down'.

[The Puddle Jumping Wads of Wrapper]

"Bloody hell, what do you think I'm makin here, a barleywine?! Three years...gimme three weeks and you'll be swimming in a hoppy euphoria!"

ARI: Oh, pish, have a little patience, Benjamin. Although.... You know, I might have access to a time constriction field, I could probably cut that three years down to about three weeks.

"Dry rub for a couple days, then smoked should work best, I'd think."

TY: Um. You... you want... to rub me? Um. I'm really sorry, miss, I have a girlfriend back home. But, um, thanks for the offer. I guess.

Ogenbond steps back, terrified. "Y--you're all crazy, the lot of ya!" He looks at Gerald, desperately, then back at the ambassadors. "I'm saying you're crazy!" he shouts. Then he makes a break for the exit and tumbles out into the hallway.

AHUME: Wait a moment, who were we hazing just then?

[Sierra Lyricalia]

"Dry rub for a couple days, then smoked should work best, I'd think."

TY: Um. You... you want... to rub me? Um. I'm really sorry, miss, I have a girlfriend back home. But, um, thanks for the offer. I guess.

Steph gives a small, snort-like chuckle. "Keep your shirt on, sparky. In this scenario you'd be dead and partly flayed, and probably your organs harvested for badly-needed transplants. You know, for those allergic to 3D-printed organ matrices. But I'm not big on cannibalism, and no offense, but you're not quite plump enough to self-baste properly... I don't think. Not an expert on barbecued intern. You might ask an ambassador from one of the more... mmm... predatory species, though I don't know that many of them would bother with the whole cooking thing, ya know."

She claps Ty on the shoulder and grins.

"Relax, we're like 75% messin' with the new Wallenburgian ambassador and about 25% messin' with you. Welcome to the Festering Snakepit."

[Ferret Civilization]

"Relax, we're like 75% messin' with the new Wallenburgian ambassador and about 25% messin' with you. Welcome to the Festering Snakepit."

"Be glad it's just talking about the crazy stuff." Furettium mused, "I got thrown out the window." He finished with a chuckle.

[Separatist Peoples]

TY: Um. You... you want... to rub me? Um. I'm really sorry, miss, I have a girlfriend back home. But, um, thanks for the offer. I guess.

Steph gives a small, snort-like chuckle. "Keep your shirt on, sparky. In this scenario you'd be dead and partly flayed, and probably your organs harvested for badly-needed transplants. You know, for those allergic to 3D-printed organ matrices. But I'm not big on cannibalism, and no offense, but you're not quite plump enough to self-baste properly... I don't think. Not an expert on barbecued intern. You might ask an ambassador from one of the more... mmm... predatory species, though I don't know that many of them would bother with the whole cooking thing, ya know."

She claps Ty on the shoulder and grins.

"Relax, we're like 75% messin' with the new Wallenburgian ambassador and about 25% messin' with you. Welcome to the Festering Snakepit."

"Aww, you had to tell him? I was waiting for him I run screaming." Bell says to Steph while passing a drink to Ty. "All these warm welcomes and offers to rub him down at the same time might make a diplomat jealous. I mean, just look at poor Furretium! The very picture of rub-envy!" He winks roguishly at the ferret.

"Bloody hell, what do you think I'm makin here, a barleywine?! Three years...gimme three weeks and you'll be swimming in a hoppy euphoria!"

ARI: Oh, pish, have a little patience, Benjamin. Although.... You know, I might have access to a time constriction field, I could probably cut that three years down to about three weeks.

"Now, you can't rush these things with technology. Yeast beasts need to work at their own natural pace. All that fancy technology just unbalances them, y'know."

AHUME: Wait a moment, who were we hazing just then?

"I don't know, but I like the way this Wallenburgian runs and screams: Away from me and not towards me. Helen was great and all, but that part was awkward."

[The Puddle Jumping Wads of Wrapper]

"Now, you can't rush these things with technology. Yeast beasts need to work at their own natural pace. All that fancy technology just unbalances them, y'know."

ARI: But that's the beauty of a time constriction field. I'd explain it all to you, but, erm, I don't quite understand it myself.

"I don't know, but I like the way this Wallenburgian runs and screams: Away from me and not towards me. Helen was great and all, but that part was awkward."

ARI: Speaking of women running away from you, how goes it with Miss Dressler?

[Ovybia]

The Ovybian ambassador and his aide enter the bar for the first time. Both seem nervous. They walk up to the bar and order a bottle of 2014 distilled dihydrogen monoxide. The Ovybian ambassador doesn't drink much but swivels the cup around in his hand while surveying the room. The ambassador whispers to the aide: "This is our first time here. We aren't familiar with their customs so be polite and try your best not to break any bar rules." His aide nods.

EDIT: Thanks to the mystery writer for correcting my incorrect drink order.

[Excidium Planetis]

"Relax, we're like 75% messin' with the new Wallenburgian ambassador and about 25% messin' with you. Welcome to the Festering Snakepit."

"Be glad it's just talking about the crazy stuff." Furettium mused, "I got thrown out the window." He finished with a chuckle.

Cornelia Alena Schultz, who had entered the bar for no reason in particular, and had obviously recovered from the depression she had several weeks back, overhears the comment made by Ambassador Furettium.

"Huh, funny, I was once thrown out a window by Ambassador Steph Zakalwe. I daresay relations have improved since that early low point."

She continues, "So, what's your name, Ambassador? I seem to recall having seen you somewhere before?"

[The Puddle Jumping Wads of Wrapper]

Steph gives a small, snort-like chuckle. "Keep your shirt on, sparky. In this scenario you'd be dead and partly flayed, and probably your organs harvested for badly-needed transplants. You know, for those allergic to 3D-printed organ matrices. But I'm not big on cannibalism, and no offense, but you're not quite plump enough to self-baste properly... I don't think. Not an expert on barbecued intern. You might ask an ambassador from one of the more... mmm... predatory species, though I don't know that many of them would bother with the whole cooking thing, ya know."

She claps Ty on the shoulder and grins.

"Relax, we're like 75% messin' with the new Wallenburgian ambassador and about 25% messin' with you. Welcome to the Festering Snakepit."

(Ty nods and walks over to Wad Ahume. He hands him his drink, and whispers as Ahume takes a swig.)

TY: Is she... hitting on me?

AHUME: (stifles a laugh while keeping from spitting out his drink) You don't get out much, do you, Ty?

TY: Well, she does talk very fast.

AHUME: Oh yes, that's definitely a sign.

TY: And she mentioned "self-basting". That sounds pretty... umm....

AHUME: Yes, that's pretty "umm" all right.

TY: I should let her down easy, shouldn't I?

AHUME: Oh no no, no, you should string her along a bit, you know, just for fun. You know, to improve diplomatic relations. What could possibly go wrong?

(Ty nods as he walks away.)

[Separatist Peoples]

Watching Ty walk off, Bell just looks at the Wads. "Ahume, are you looking to supplant me as the Patron Saint of Bad Decisions? Because that was the most devious, misguided, and all-around hilarious suggestion you could have possibly made, and I love every bit of it."

"Now, you can't rush these things with technology. Yeast beasts need to work at their own natural pace. All that fancy technology just unbalances them, y'know."

ARI: But that's the beauty of a time constriction field. I'd explain it all to you, but, erm, I don't quite understand it myself.

"I don't know, but I like the way this Wallenburgian runs and screams: Away from me and not towards me. Helen was great and all, but that part was awkward."

ARI: Speaking of women running away from you, how goes it with Miss Dressler?

"So far so good. Our schedules are both difficult, but we're both quite happy and the local constabulary is very happy for us, though they do want to stop getting called out to our hotel rooms. Bloody prudes and their impressionable children, eh?"

[Ferret Civilization]

"All these warm welcomes and offers to rub him down at the same time might make a diplomat jealous. I mean, just look at poor Furretium! The very picture of rub-envy!" He winks roguishly at the ferret.

"Yeah..." Not being sure how to respond to that, Furettium just stopped himself. Just quickly switching focus to see what was going on around the bar besides the fun being had with the newer fellows.

Cornelia Alena Schultz, who had entered the bar for no reason in particular, and had obviously recovered from the depression she had several weeks back, overhears the comment made by Ambassador Furettium.

"Huh, funny, I was once thrown out a window by Ambassador Steph Zakalwe. I daresay relations have improved since that early low point."

She continues, "So, what's your name, Ambassador? I seem to recall having seen you somewhere before?"

Furettium smiled at the arrival of Alena, considering the question probably being a good way to start over. "Furettium, happy to see you."

[The Puddle Jumping Wads of Wrapper]

(Wad Ahume walks over to Ari and Bell.)

Watching Ty walk off, Bell just looks at the Wads. "Ahume, are you looking to supplant me as the Patron Saint of Bad Decisions? Because that was the most devious, misguided, and all-around hilarious suggestion you could have possibly made, and I love every bit of it."

AHUME: I would never, O Consecrated One.

ARI: Oh, stop that, his ego's large enough.

ARI: Speaking of women running away from you, how goes it with Miss Dressler?

"So far so good. Our schedules are both difficult, but we're both quite happy and the local constabulary is very happy for us, though they do want to stop getting called out to our hotel rooms. Bloody prudes and their impressionable children, eh?"

ARI: Come on, Benjamin, you really think we want to hear about that aspect of your relationship?

AHUME: (raising a finger) I do.

---

(Meanwhile, Ty approaches Steph; he momentarily gives a slightly creepy smile.)

TY: Um. Hi?

[Sierra Lyricalia]

(Meanwhile, Ty approaches Steph; he momentarily gives a slightly creepy smile.)

TY: Um. Hi?

Steph frowns at her half-full glass of middling-amber-colored ale for a moment. "Eh, not that great." She takes a breath and chugs the whole rest of the glass, then sets it on the bartop a little harder than necessary.

<Buuuuurp!>

She wipes her mouth on the sleeve of her jacket and looks up at Ty.

"Whatcannuh do for ya?"

[The Puddle Jumping Wads of Wrapper]

(Meanwhile, Ty approaches Steph; he momentarily gives a slightly creepy smile.)

TY: Um. Hi?

Steph frowns at her half-full glass of middling-amber-colored ale for a moment. "Eh, not that great." She takes a breath and chugs the whole rest of the glass, then sets it on the bartop a little harder than necessary.

<Buuuuurp!>

She wipes her mouth on the sleeve of her jacket and looks up at Ty.

"Whatcannuh do for ya?"

TY: Um. Excuse me.

(He crosses the bar to Ari and Ahume.)

ARI: Well?

TY: Well... she is kind of cute.

ARI: Really now.

TY: Yes... she reminds me of my dad.