World Cup LXV (65) RP Thread

[Eastfield Lodge]

From Shabeen's blog:

Almost a ragequit

So, Tasrailia 2-5 Eastfield Lodge. About what we'd expect for a match between the fourth and 8th seeds. Interestingly, it seems most of you thought so as well, given the viewing figures were the lowest I've seen for ages for an international match. So, most of you readers will have missed the remarkable events that transpired during yesterday's match, and I will say, I've never seen anything like it before.

The match itself was a barnstormer; well, if you were one of the 15 travelling EL fans that is. 12 minutes, we were 5 goals up, with Raston getting a 4 minute hat trick. Firstly, the Doctor and Jack exchanged a series of one-twos before Jack lifted the ball over the last defender for the Doctor to volley home from, 3 minutes into the match. The lead was doubled by Raston on the fifth minute, jumping from the half-way line to beat the offside trap and go one-on-one via Jenny's through ball. Raston scored her second 3 minutes later, this time running with the ball from the halfway line. And to add insult to injury, Raston's hat trick was completed 12 seconds after the restart, tackling Utaja as soon as the ball was in play and taking the ball all the way to the other net.

Three minutes after that, Jack scored the fifth goal, heading in Rory's corner. At which point, the Tasrailian team went over to their manager for huddle discussion. And about 5 minutes later, they all left the pitch. Much to the delight of the Tasrailian crowd, who were obviously displeased with our largely non-human team, and Raston's speed jumping in particular. Well, me, the Doctor and about half of our team went after them to try and find out why they'd left. Their response? "You're cheating, what are we supposed to do?"

It turns out that they thought we were cheating by fielding players who are faster than humans. Although if they going to have that attitude, then they're going to take offence with a lot of the teams fielded in qualifying. Anyways, we all went back to the pitch, by which time most of stadium had emptied. We asked the referee not to abandon the game, in case they did return. In the meantime, we invited down our 15 fans to have a random kickabout with us, just because we were bored and needed to keep fit in case the opposition returned.

They did make a return, but with about half an hour left of the second half to go. We decided to go easy on them, because they had the guts to take on the "cheaters". In fact, we went so easy on them that we let them score two goals, both from indirect free kicks inside our box due to backpassing. After which, of course we shut them out for the remaining 20 minutes. In fact, I think the players decided to see who could get a shot on target from the furthest out, just to pass the remaining time away.

Still, a 5-2 victory, and we've got a match against ninth seed Vakolic at home next, so that should be fun, before we visit Jeru FC for what probably will be a right thrashing.

[Punum]

LM: Hello I'm Lee Mueller and on today's show we have the captain of Punum football team, Felix Briggs. Welcome Felix.

FB: Nice to meet you.

LM: So Felix, two draws and two losses in your first four games, when are we going to see Punum get a win?

FB: I think it's only a matter of time, Mangolana are first and we drew to them, that's not too bad. I think against Consumar and Kandorith, the reason we lost so badly was just a matter of confidence.

LM: Your manager, Zackary Brown said that the team is aiming to come eighth, do you agree?

FB: To a point, however I think we should be aiming to top that and come seventh or over.

LM: What's wrong with eighth?

FB: That's a prediction not a target, targets make or help you move forward, to move forward we ought to be aiming to do better than the predictions.

LM: Fair enough, 1-1 against Mangolana. Fair reflection of the game or not?

FB: Yeah, I guess, Marcos (Dane) getting injured didn't help us, if that didn't happen I reckon we were in with a chance of winning.

LM: I'm glad you mentioned Marcos Dane getting injured. In your opinion, do you think Tappy Shogun should of been sent off?

FB: Yes definitely, Tappy (Shogun) went in with both feet in the air showing his studs, how he only got a booking I'm not sure, it was a awful descision by the referee.

LM: The game is so fast nowadays, it's a bit harsh blaming the ref isn't it?

FB: No, not at all, I saw it was a red card at first, then I watched the replays and I'm still 100% convinced he should of been sent off.

LM: You are aware you could get a ban for that?

FB: It's a risk I'm willing to take. If somebody makes a mistake it should be pointed out to them so they can improve.

LM: Moving on, you were dominating the first half and then you were hit in the counter, then beaten at the near post. Is there anything you could of done differently?

FB: Definitely, I should of been covering the near post. It's a basics mistake mistake but hey ho live and learn eh.

LM: Indeed, what about your defence though, what was going on there.

FB: I'm not sure. When Allen (Fuller) received the ball 25 metres out. The defense just switched off, giving him an easy pass to Tappy (Shogun). It was then when a switch was switched and they bounced into action and got back. But it was too late as he had already managed to pass the ball into Gregory (Nena) and they took the lead.

LM: Completly against the run of play and was scored at such an agonising time just before the half time whistle. After the break though you got straight back and equalised right after kick off. Explain that goal?

FB: It was great. Michael's (Dean) 15 yard chip to Malcolm (Guzman) was world class. As was Malcolm's first touch. He brought it down and instantly played it through to Aaron (McGuire) and he wasn't going to miss from there.

LM: Whatever Zackary (Brown) said in the changing rooms it certainly worked. He hasn't told me what he said at half time, but he has given me the team sheet for the next game, and you are set to play your tenth game along with Rick Curtis, Michael and Henry Dean. Congratulations.

FB: Thank you, it's a honour to be able to play at such a high level in so many games.

LM: The whole team is;

GK: Felix Briggs
RB: Craig Hoffman
CB: Norman Ismael
CB: Rick Curtis
LB: Earl Marquez
CDM: Matthew Jewell
RM: Michael Dean
LM: Henry Dean
CAM: Chris Lloyd
CAM: Malcolm Guzman
ST: Aaron McGuire

Subs

GK: Bill Hanson
RB/LB: Albert Chandler
CB: Clinton Conley
CDM: Frederick Newman
RM/LM: Neil Long
CAM: Rodrick Dalton
ST: Martin Hood

The only change is Earl Marquez is on for Marcos Dane as he is injured

any surprises?

FB: No not really.

LM: Thanks for coming on Felix, I'll hope to see you soon.

FB: Great being on, thanks for having me.

LM: Punum's next game is against Tyrrin. They are currently seventh compared to Punum who are eighth. In their last game they beat Lukquarel 3-0. Goodbye and Goodnight.

[Neo Lemmitania]

This is Shemp Wooley, the Dean of Neo-Lemmitanian Sports, coming to you live from Lemmington over the Lemming Radio Network. We’re thirty minutes from the start of Neo Lemmitania’s fourth qualifying match for the sixty-fifth edition of the World Cup. Just to bring you up to speed, the Lemmings have a record of one win, one draw, and one loss so far in the qualifiers, putting them in sixth place in the group five table. Football being a brand new sport to Neo Lemmitania, expectations were not especially high heading into the Cup qualifiers, even after a strong showing in the preceding Baptism of Fire tournament. So it’s really a pleasant surprise that the team has four points in its first three matches.

Another surprise, for our commentators, anyway, is the fact that the World Cup is a football tournament—not a rugby tourney. For those of you who tuned in to the first game and heard what can only be described as a pitiful effort by Clem and Gil, I just want to apologize. The guys have spent all their free time since the first match reading up on the game of football, and I hope I can say with some assurance that today they’ll be doing a professional job of calling the game. And with that, let me introduce LRN’s own Clem Gilson and Gil Lemson. Clem, Gil, nice to have you with us today.

Gil: Thanks, Shemp.

Clem: Good to be here.

Shemp: You sure you’re up for this, Clem?

Clem: Yes, absolutely. Why wouldn’t I be?

Shemp: Well, you did pass out on air in your previous appearance.

Clem: Oh, that was three weeks ago.

Gil: ‘e’s made a full recovery, Shemp.

Clem: Although I am still getting the weirdest sense of having lived this before.

Shemp: So, guys, any thoughts on the match you witnessed against Hutt River?

Clem: Honestly, I’d rather not think about it.

Gil: Likewise.

Shemp: Okay, then, any thoughts on today’s match?

Clem: Not particularly.

Gil: Nor me neither, likewise.

Shemp: Fine. Fine. Okay. Did either of you happen to talk to Coach Lemster after the last match?

Clem: ...Not so much.

Gil: ‘oo’s this, now?

Shemp: Lemmy Lemster. The coach.

Gil: Coach? Wot coach?

Shemp: Of the national football team, Lemson.

Gil: Why would we wanna talk to ‘im?

Clem: Don’t bother grilling him, Shemp, you’re not going to get much more than that.

Shemp: ...okay. Fine. So neither of you has any thoughts on the last game, or today’s game, or the coach’s thinking. Because, I presume, you’ve been spending all of your time prepping for the match. So, you feel like you have a solid grasp of the rules and strategy of the game now?

Clem: I’m ready.

Gil: Def’nitely ready.

Shemp: Oh, yeah, you are? Lemson, you know the rules of football now?

Gil: Absotutely. Oh wait, do you mean rugby football?

Shemp: I mean international football.

Gil: The kicky kind of football?

Shemp: ...yes. The ‘kicky’ kind.

Gil: Wull, one thing I know about it...

Shemp: Yes? What?

Gil: They’re positootely nuts for kickin’ the ball in this game.

Shemp: For crying out loud--

Gil: No pickin’ up the ball an’ carryin’ it an’ getting tackled an’ piled upon like in proper football.

Shemp: ‘Proper’ football being rugby, I guess?

Gil: Rugby League to be specific, Shemp. Union is for chumps.

Clem: Hear, hear.

Shemp: You realize that international-rules football is the most popular sport in the world?

Gil: Neo-Lemmitania ain’t in the world, Shemp. Not properly speakin’.

Clem: What do you mean by that?

Gil: Oh-- eh-- nothin’, nothin’. Ignore that errant comment.

Clem: Holy cow, that deja vu just came back on me something fierce. Wow.

Gil: Just ignore it, Clem. It’s best you pay no attention to the sensation of false memory be’ind the curtain.

Clem: What the hell are you talking about?

Gil: Nothin’. Absotutley, posilutely nothin’.

Shemp: This programme has gone right off the rails. Are you to planning to talk football, or not?

Gil: Not.

Clem: I’m trying, Shemp. Look, since you seem to have some idea of how the qualifiers are going, why don’t you clue us in?

Shemp: Gladly. The Lemmings won the first match against Hutt River, which you ‘called,’ by a score of one to nil. The second game was a three-nil loss to Krytenia, who have been the group’s biggest surprise so far, winning their first three matches. The third game saw a one-all draw with Zwangzug, a nation with a rich footballing history.

Clem: Okay, so there you go, folks. And today we’re playing Aels.

Shemp: Care to read the rosters?

Clem: Sure. Tonight’s side is unchanged from the first game for the Lemmings, with the trio of forwards Roger Rosco, Bing Bingson, and Henny Henneman from right to left. Then we have a three-man midfield line of Wilco Rosco, Mick Mickelson, and Joey Lemstater. The defense is Dale Hartford, Mick Chang, Mike Dubrowski, and Will Spud, and we have Mel Flanders at goalkeeper. And then for Aels we’ve got Bryn Thomas and Elwyn Richard at forward, Marc Powell, Aled Jones and Rhodri Evans in the front part of the midfield and Ciarán O'Connor in the back part of the midfield; and then on defense Russell Jones, Owen Griffiths, Iwan Maddox and Stephen Andrews. And in goal, James McConnell.

Shemp: And we should explain what all those positions are, since many of our listeners will be unfamiliar with international football.

Clem: Right. So, the forwards play forward, the midfielders play in the middle of the field, and the defenders defend the goal. With the goalkeeper being the last line of defense.

Shemp: That was very descriptive.

Clem: Thank you.

Shemp: Perhaps you’d like to extend yourself to describing the field?

Clem: Why not? It’s rectangular, covered in grass. There’s a net at each end, supported by a metal frame, about seven meters wide and two and a half meters high. That is the goal, which the players try to kick the ball into.

Shemp: And which the goalkeeper stands in front of.

Clem: And then there’s a box painted on the field in front of the net, wider than the goal, and about sixteen or seventeen meters deep. And generally speaking the defenders stand around that and try to keep anyone from getting a good shot at the goal. And then there’s a line bisecting the field the short way, and a circle painted around the center point. And that, pretty much, is the field.

Shemp: Care to explain the rules for our Neo-Lemmitanian listeners?

Clem: Yeah, okay. Since we have a few minutes to kill before the kickoff. Basically, the rules are you try and kick the ball into the opponent’s goal. No touching the ball with your hands or arms. You can only kick it or hit it with your head.

Gil: ‘Ow do you do that?

Clem: You know, you just put your head down and bounce the ball off it.

Gil: Wot, by crawlin’ around on the ground?

Clem: If it’s airborne. Remember the last game? They’d hit the ball with their heads while it was in the air.

Gil: Oy, Sounds complicated. But they can also get down on their ‘ands and knees and push the ball around with their ‘eads, correct?

Clem: Seems inefficient, but sure, I didn’t notice anything in the rules against that.

Shemp: No one evers does that.

Gil: Why not? Seems like you’d ‘ave more control over the ball than you get bouncin’ it off your ‘ead into the air.

Shemp: Sure, until someone who’s standing upright kicks it away from you.

Gil: Why would they do that?

Shemp: Argh! Lemson--

Clem: Gil, that would just take too long. Can you imagine ten people pushing the ball around with their heads over a hundred-meter pitch? Crawling the length of that field?

Gil: Wull, no, when you put it that way, it sounds like an even more borin’ game than the one we witnessed las’ time.

Clem: Right. So, the players move the ball by kicking it, and hitting it with their heads when it’s airborne.

Gil: An’ also by pickin’ it up an’ runnin’ with it.

Clem: No. Not by picking it up. I just said, you can’t use your hands.

Gil: I meant with their necks.

Clem: What?

Gil: With their necks. They get down on the ground and wedge the ball up against their neck and ‘old it in place with their chins. An’ then run down the field with it.

Clem: Wait, did you suggest that last time?

Gil: Not as I remember.

Clem: I have the strongest sensation that you’ve suggested that befo--

Gil: Pay no attention to that errant false memory, Clem! You really ‘ave to stop doin’ that.

Clem: Stop doing what?

Gil: Talkin’ about ‘ow you feel like this ‘as ‘appened before.

Clem: Why? I keep feeling that way.

Gil: So if you can’t stop yourself talkin’ about it, stop feelin’ like that!

Clem: I can hardly help that. Since the start of the last match--

Gil: I know! I know!

Clem: So why shouldn’t I--

Gil: You just ‘ave to trust me on this one! Ixnay on the ejaDay uVay!

Shemp: Anyway, the Lemmings have just won the cointoss and the referee is getting ready to give them the ball to kick it off. So I’ll be departing until halftime, when I’ll be back for the mid-game analysis. Until then, good luck, gentlemen.

Gil: An’, that makes it time for an important message from our underwriter.

Clem: What? No, it’s not. What are you talking about?

Gil: I’m talkin’ about that lurvely feelin’ you get on an ‘orrible day, when the rain is rainin’ cats an’ lemmings an’ the thunder is boomin’ most vociferously an’ lightnin’ keeps strikin’, knockin’ down trees an’ suchlike.

Clem: What? Why would that give you a lovely feeling?

Gil: Glad you asked that, Clem. Because that feelin’ comes from the security you get whilst wearin’ a QuickerSlicker(tm) from ACME Lemming Corp. It’s the latest in raingear technology, made from one hunnerd percent LemmingRubber, which as you may know is mined from only the finest lemmings ‘and-raised on ACME Lemming Corp’s entirely organic lemming farms. QuickerSlickers are impervious to all forms of water, includin’ rain, snow, ice, ‘ail, an’ even briny spray, makin’ ‘em great accoutrements for whalers an’ other rugged sea-worthy types. They are also entirely lightin’ proof, thanks to the aforementioned LemmingRubber of which they are made. So you can feel free to stand out in the middle of a field durin’ even the fiercest of lightin’ storms, secure in the knowledge that your QuickerSlicker will protec’ you from any and all forms of ‘arm which may otherwise occur. An’ furthermore, you’ll emerge from said lightnin’ storm dry as a bug in a rug. QuickerSlickers even look great for the fashion-conscious. Every right-minded person should go out an’ buy one today!

Clem: What the hell was that?

Gil: That was an important message from our underwriter.

Clem: The only underwriter for this program is the Electric Lemming Corporation.

Gil: Not anymore.

Clem: Wait, did you get ACME Lemming Corp to pay you to deliver that advertisement?

Gil: That was not an ‘advertisement.’ It was an important message.

Clem: Did they pay you for it?

Gil: Seein’ as that would probably be frowned upon by some sort of authority or other, I’m gonna go with ‘no’ in answer to your question.

Clem: I see. So if they didn’t pay you, then they paid LRN?

Gil: Why are we arguin’ about this when we should be callin’ the game?

Clem: Don’t try to change the subject. I know ACME didn’t pay LRN to have you deliver that ad.

Gil: ‘ow would you know that? An’ it was not an ad.

Clem: Sponsorship message, then. What’s the difference?

Gil: As you yourself explained las’ week, an advertisement is wot you ‘ave when private companies can bid at market rates to get their products shilled durin’ the programme. Now, if there were any private companies - especially large successful foreign ones wot got lots of dough they wanna spend on innerducin’ the Neo-Lemmitanian population to their wonnerful products - they could always contac’ me through channels includin’ and not excludin’ telegram, an’ let me know the market rate they’d be willin’ to pay to ‘ave their product shilled during the nex’ game.

Clem: I’m sorry, did you just solicit advertisers to contact you about hawking their products during the next game?

Gil: No, did it sound like I did?

Clem: Yes. Yes, it sounded very much like that.

Gil: Wull, you weren’t listenin’ too closely then.

Clem: You just announced that foreign companies should contact you and let you know how much they’d be willing to pay you to hawk their products!

Gil: For research, Clem. I’m doin’ research into the foreign-goods market.

Clem: The hell you are.

Gil: I am!

Clem: And what about the ad you just delivered?

Gil: I tol’ you, that was no ad. It was an important message.

Clem: Don’t try to deflect my question!

Gil: I ain’t deflectin’ nothin’!

Clem: Which means that you are deflecting something.

Gil: No, that’s not wot it means.

Clem: Yes, it is. And now you’re trying to sidetrack us into a discussion of double negatives.

Gil: Oh, you don’t unnerstand ‘ow double negatives even work.

Clem: I understand how your scheme is working, though.

Gil: There ain’t no scheme!

Clem: Meaning that there is a scheme.

Gil: Stop trying to double-negativize me statements into the opposite of wot I say.

Clem: Okay. Just tell me how much you got paid for that QuickerSlicker ad.

Gil: There was never any ad!

Clem: Important message, sorry.

Gil: An’ I never got paid for it, neither.

Clem: You’re lying.

Gil: I would never tell a lie!

Clem: You would lie to your own mother.

Gil: You never met me Mum, Clem. If you ‘ad you’d ‘ave a different perspective on that last statement.

Clem: Don’t try to siderail us into a discussion of your mother, now.

Gil: Believe me, Mum is one of the las’ subjects I want to discuss.

Clem: So you’re going to stand by this assertion that you’re not getting paid for the ‘important message’ you just delivered?

Gil: I di’n’t “just deliver” anything. We’ve been talking about me Mum an’ wotnot for the past ten minutes or so.

Clem: We’re eight minutes in, according to the game clock. So I’m referring to the ‘important message’ you delivered eight minutes ago.

Gil: I don’t recall that.

Clem: Don’t start that business.

Gil: Mebbe it was a figment of your deja vu.

Clem: It was eight minutes ago. I think I can remember what actually happened eight minutes ago.

Gil: Prolly not.

Clem: Definitely yes.

Gil: Wull, since wot’s in the past is in the past an’ no one can say for certain wot ‘appened way back then, we’ll prolly never know for sure.

Clem: ACME Lemming Corp is going to know for sure.

Gil: Wot’s that mean?

Clem: I mean, they’ll have to be certain you delivered their ad--

Gil: Important message!

Clem: --important message, or you’re not going to get paid.

Gil: I already told you I ain’t gettin’ paid.

Clem: Hmph. So you’re sticking with that?

Gil: Seems the safest path for the nonce.

Clem: Sometimes I understand why Shemp gets so upset with you.

Gil: Oh, Shemp loves me.

Clem: No, I don’t think he does.

Gil: Sure ‘e does. Why else would ‘e ‘ave picked me to be ‘ere?

Clem: I’m pretty sure Shemp had nothing to do with the selection of commentators for the World Cup.

Gil: Wot would make you think that?

Clem: For one thing, he said so. He talked about it on Shemp’s Corner.

Gil: Ah. An’ wot is Shemp’s Corner?

Clem: It’s his weekly sports talk show. You’ve been a guest on it.

Gil: Oh, ‘ave I?

Clem: Yes, you have. Last week, among other times.

Gil: You know wot that reminds me of?

Clem: I dunno. Maybe it reminds you of being on Shemp’s Corner?

Gil: No, it reminds me of that time I was really ‘ungry an’ me LemmingDogger ‘ad jammed up again for the forty-ninth time, as they are so apt to do. As products from ELC are prone to breakage, as ‘as been well documented. So there I was with a bellyfull of emptiness an’ ‘unger an’ no way to make up a quick batch of food. An’, barely able to see straight or walk upright, I stumbled down the stairs an’ out onto the sidewalk, where I ‘appened to notice the appliance store across the street from me building. An’ on going inside, wot do you think I saw?

Clem: I don’t know, appliances? Where is this going?

Gil: That was a rhetorical question, Clem, don’t innerupt me. Wot I saw was a brilliant endcap display of the latest wonnerful invention from ACME Lemming Corp: the LemmingFishBaller(tm)! So I immediately bought meself one and ‘urried back up to me flat. It was exac’ly wot the doctor ordered. All I ‘ad to do was uncork it from the box, plug it in, an’ toss a couple lemmings an’ some rice into the lemming-and-rice receptacle on the top. Press the button, stand back, an’ presto! Instant lemmingfishballs! Yum, wot a delicious meal I ‘ad that night. Everyone ‘oo like eatin’ should go out an’ buy a LemmingFishBaller from ACME Lemming Corp today.

Clem: What... the... hell?

Gil: Wot?

Clem: Don’t “Wot?” me. You just did it again!

Gil: Did wot, Clem?

Clem: Just delivered a bald-faced advertisement!

Gil: Seems unlikely.

Clem: Are you planning to keep this up for the whole broadcast?

Gil: Keep wot up, Clem?

Clem: Doing an ad every few minutes and then denying it.

Gil: No, not at all.

Clem: Great, so you’re done now?

Gil: Wull, seein’ as I ain’t actually done wot you’re accusin’ me of, I can ‘ardly be done, can I?

Clem: The World Cup is always just an excuse for you to pull off some hare-brained scheme, isn’t it?

Gil: Wot in the world do you mean by that?

Clem: Um. Seeing as this is the first World Cup we’ve ever seen, I’m not sure. It just popped out.

Gil: Okay, let’s just curtail that line of dialogue right now.

Clem: Why?

Gil: Could be dangerous, that’s all.

Clem: But, why?

Gil: You know wot? Let’s just call the game.

Clem: You’re trying to change the subject again!

Gil: I’m just thinkin’, ‘ere we are, fifteen minutes into it, an’ all.

Clem: Okay. When you’re right, you’re right. Folks, apologies if we got distracted for a few minutes there. The game is, as Gil noted, fifteen minutes in. Looks like the Lemmings have possession, no wait, Maddox just kicked it away from Wilco Rosco and the Aels forwards are moving it around now.

Gil: Kick, kick, kick. You know wot I noticed about this game?

Clem: There’s a lot of kicking. Yes, I know. Hey Mike, can you hand me the stats so far? Thanks. Okay, not much to report. Marc Powell had a shot on goal just five minutes in, but it looks like one of the defenders deflected it.

Gil: Oh, an’ look at that! That eel player ‘as just gotten down on the pitch an’ wedged the ball up unner ‘is chin, and ‘e’s runnin’ down the field with it!

Clem: That’s not happening, folks. Gil, shut up with that. And we’re playing against Aels, not eels.

Gil: Jus’ thought I’d liven things up a bit. You lis’ners wanna know wot’s really ‘appenin’? Someone jus’ kicked the ball.

Clem: That’s Richard passing to Thomas, getting it around Mick Chang.

Gil: That’s Mick Mickelson.

Clem: Seriously? Come on, his name’s printed on his shirt.

Gil: Says Mickelson, Clem.

Clem: You’re just screwing around. Or else you can’t read.

Gil: You know I can read.

Clem: Then you’re just screwing around.

Gil: Mebbe we’re just too far from the field for you to make out the players properly, Clem.

Clem: I can see them quite clearly. And that is Mick Chang down there trying to cover his man. Richard seems to have a speed advantage on Chang, although from what I’ve read, he’s one of their oldest players and in his final Cup. So we may see him tiring as the match wears on. And Richard takes a shot! Not quite dead center, though, and Flanders deflects it out of play, so Aels will have a corner kick. Richard definitely had Chang beat, there.

Gil: Wull, all I can say is that was Mickelson that ‘appened to.

Clem: Are you sure you can read?

Gil: ‘ere, i’ll prove it by readin’ this: Mr. an’ Ms. Neo Lemmitania, do you ever wonder wot the future of our bright nation might bring? Wot with all the lemming infestations an’ mad bird diseases they keep dreamin’ up, it’s no wonder you’re thinking dark thoughts about the upcoming elections nex’ year. Prolly you’re sayin’ to yourself, ‘Sure, I’d like to vote, but wot’s the point? Ain’t nobody worth votin’ for, so why bother gettin’ out of bed on election day morning.’ Well, Ms and Mr Neo Lemmitania, the ACME Lemming Corp ‘ears your pain, an’ they want you to know that when election day mornin’ rolls around, you don’t even need to wake up. Instead, you can vote by proxy without ever leavin’ the comfort of your own ‘ome, by purchasin’ a LemmingVote(tm), the latest and greatest in substitute voter technology. All you ‘ave to do is sign away your right to choose your nex’ leader to ACME Lemming Corp’s crew of talented an’ professional voters, an’ we’ll do all the ‘ard parts of votin’ for you. Such as gettin’ out of bed, goin’ to the polls, and especially choosin’ the right person to ‘ead our fair country. So if you’re like me an’ you want to elect the right person but you don’t know ‘oo that is, an’ plus it’s just too much trouble to vote, then go down to the corner store an’ get yourself a LemmingVote today!

Clem: ENOUGH! No more ads!

Gil: Important messages.

Clem: No more of them! And that one was despicable, trying to get people to sign their votes away. And to pay for it, even worse!

Gil: I can’t ‘elp it if lots of companies want to ‘ave their wonnerful products described to a growing audience of consumers. By the way, if I were chargin’ for this service, me rates would be locked in at a very reasonable level for the next game if anyone sends me a telegram in the next day.

Clem: Unbelievable!

Gil: Yes, me rates would be unbelievably low, especially if one were to engage me for the entire remainder of the qualifiers all at once. Sort of a package deal, see.

Clem: You realize they’re going to come down on you for this?

Gil: For wot?

Clem: For selling advertisements during the broadcast!

Gil: Important messages.

Clem: Whatever!

Gil: In fact, I like to think of ‘em as Public Service Announcements.

Clem: PSAs don’t shill for products!

Gil: Oh, sure they do.

Clem: No they don’t!

Gil: Wot about that one they always run from the NLTA?

Clem: You’re talking about the Neo-Lemmitanian Tornado Authority spot?

Gil: Yeah, that’s the one.

Clem: The one where the tell you to hide in the cellar if you see a funnel cloud?

Gil: Right.

Clem: How is that shilling a product?

Gil: Wull, for starters it makes you want to go out and buy a cellar.

Clem: You can’t buy a cellar.

Gil: Sure you can.

Clem: No, either your building has one, or it hasn’t.

Gil: No, no, I’m pretty certain you can buy ‘em.

Clem: From whom?

Gil: Wull, most likely, the NLTA. After all, they’re the ones runnin’ ads for tornadoes, makin’ you want to go out an’ get one.

Clem: Making you want to go out and get a tornado?

Gil: A cellar, Clem, a cellar. Try an’ keep up.

Clem: Okay, first off, the NLTA doesn’t sell anything. Its sole purpose is to educate people about the dangers of tornadoes.

Gil: An’ to scare you.

Clem: And second of all, you can’t buy a cellar. You could maybe hire a contractor to dig you one, though I’m not sure that’s even possible under an existing building.

Gil: Shows wot you know about engineering.

Clem: And third of all, even assuming you can have a cellar dug under your building, the NLTA wouldn’t be involved in it!

Gil: Shows wot you know about the NLTA.

Clem: Ugh. You know what I do know?

Gil: Do tell.

Clem: Someone just scored.

Gil: An’ it seems we missed it while jawin’ about the NLTA and their cellar-sellin’ scare tactics.

Clem: Wow, that deja vu is coming back strong.

Gil: Prolly just something you ate.

Clem: So that was Bingson opening the scoring for the Lemmings. At twenty-two minutes into the first half. He and Henneman were in the box, Henneman with the ball, Roger Rosco got there and screened Owen Griffiths, Henneman got the ball across to Bingson and he chipped it nicely past McConnell. So the Lemmings are on top one nil.

Gil: Fascinatin’.

Clem: Oh, now you’re interested in the game?

Gil: I’m interested in life, Clem, an’ this game is a part of life. So, yes, in that sense, I’m def’nitely innerested in the game.

Clem: What about just in the sense of being interested in the game itself?

Gil: Why don’t you jus’ call some of it, an’ we’ll see?

Clem: Well, the Aelsh side has possession after the kickoff. They’ve got a two-striker formation, but with the three forward-playing midfielders. So a very attack-minded strategy, and they’re trying to get a step ahead of our defensive backs. But Chang, Dubrowski, Hartford, and Spud are matching them move for move. There are no opening there for the Aelsh to exploit. What do you think of Mel Flanders so far in the tourney? Gil?

Gil: Oh, sorry, were you speakin’ to me?

Clem: Yes, that question was directed at you. Being as you’re the only other person in the booth.

Gil: No, I ain’t. Sally an’ Mike are in ‘ere too.

Clem: You’re the only other person in the booth who’s on the air.

Gil: Yeh, I’ve noticed that. Why is that?

Clem: Why is what? Why aren’t there more commentators?

Gil: No, why can’t Sally an’ Mike ever talk on air?

Clem: I dunno, because they’re busy doing their jobs?

Gil: Oh, sittin’ around an’ listenin’ to us, you mean?

Clem: Come on. Sally’s the director, Mike’s the statistician. I know you know this. Stop deflecting the conversation. What do you think of Mel flanders’ performance so far?

Gil: Wot, I’m s’posed to ‘ave an opinion on that?

Clem: You’re supposed to be the color man.

Gil: An’ you’re s’posed to be play-by-play. It don’t stop you from askin’ me questions.

Clem: And being color man doesn’t stop you from knowing nothing about the game.

Gil: Wull, now, that ain’t entirely fair, now, is it? After all, I was ‘ired to provide color commentary on football games. Not this... wotever it is.

Clem: This is football.

Gil: Not proper football, it ain’t.

Clem: Well, properly speaking, this game is called football. And the game you like to refer to as football is more commonly called rugby. So I think you’re wrong about that.

Gil: Wull, still, me contrac’ don’t say anythin’ about wacky innernational rules with no ‘ands an’ so forth.

Clem: Well, it’s not my first choice either, but I think that being professionals we can suck it up and deliver a proper commentary on the game.

Gil: So go a’ead an’ do it.

Clem: I was trying. But when I asked what you thought of Mel Flanders’ performance so far, you got us into this asinine conversation.

Gil: See, wot I don’t unnerstan’ is why you need me to validate your commentatin’. ‘ere you are spendin’ a good ten minutes talkin’ to me about ‘ow I’m s’posed to be callin’ the game for you--

Clem: Providing color commentary.

Gil: --or wotever, instead of callin’ the actual game.

Clem: I’m trying to get you back on track.

Gil: Callin’ the kettle black is wot it sounds to me like you’re doin’.

Clem: Fine. Well, I think Flanders has been doing a good job. He had an off day and surrendered three against Krytenia, but the Krytenians have beaten everyone so far. And the opening shutout against Hutt River was well played.

Gil: That’s a very nice opinion you ‘ave, Clem.

Clem: Thank you. So during that whole off-topic conversation, the Aelsh kicked it around our box a bit, before one of the defenders, Dubrowski I think, kicked it away and Aels got a throw-in. But Chang intercepted from Richard and cleared it into Aelsh territory. And now they’re down at that end of the field. And Stephen Andrews just charged into Bingson.

Gil: And the ref is showin’ that eel fellow the banana card. You know the problem with footballers, Clem?

Clem: No, Gil. But I imagine you’re going to tell me.

Gil: Not enough potassium. They all ‘ave potassium deficiencies.

Clem: So Bingson is getting set for a free kick. The Aelsh players are lining up in front of the goal.

Gil: Thus the need for all the bananas. I imagine all that runnin’ around an’ kickin’ is probably the root of the problem. ‘ard to maintain your potassium when you’re doin’ that.

Clem: Bingson’s set, and the kick-- a nice one, curling around the left side, deflected by Maddox, though, and Wilco Rosco’s there! He heads it in! Another goal by the Lemmings!

Gil: An’ none too soon, as it’s time for the halftime break.

Clem: Oh, is it? Great, let’s go get a beer.

[Neo Lemmitania]

Shemp: Gilson? Lemson? Sally, where are they? What!? Oh, there you two are. Where the hell have you been?

Gil: We’ve been right ‘ere in the booth the ‘ole time, Shemp.

Shemp: No, I just walked in to do the halftime show, and you weren’t here.

Clem: We just stepped out for a bathroom break when the first half ended.

Shemp: The first half ended just this minute!

Clem: What? It ended right after the second goal.

Shemp: The second goal was at thirty minutes! you’ve been gone for fifteen minutes!

Gil: Oh, we was jus’ takin’ fifteen minutes of silence in your honor, Shemp. We always do that, it’s in our contrac’.

Shemp: What? You can’t just go off air for fifteen minutes in the middle of a game!

Gil: No one’s ever stopped us before. Anyway, as I mentioned, it was in your honor. You ought to be honored.

Shemp: I’m horrified.

Gil: Oh, don’t worry. Jus’ cause we’re taking the fifteen minutes in your honor don’t mean you’re dead, or nothin’. I don’t think.

Shemp: I’m horrified to be working with you.

Gil: Say, Clem, Shemp ain’t dead, is he?

Clem: No, he’s right here in the booth looking apoplectic.

Gil: Dead people can’t do that, can they?

Clem: Not unless they were taxidermed with an apoplectic expression.

Gil: Right. So don’t worry, Shemp, you’re still among the living.

Shemp: Grr. So if you two were gone for the last fifteen minutes, that would mean you missed two goals.

Gil: No, we saw two goals.

Shemp: You saw two and you missed two, you idiot.

Gil: Unlikely, seein’ as the first ‘alf ended after the second goal.

Shemp: The first half did not end after the second goal! Mike, give Gilson the stats sheet.

Clem: Thanks, Mike. So let’s see, while we were here in the booth taking fifteen minutes in honor of Shemp, Thomas scored for Aels at thirty-seven, and then Henneman got one at forty-two.

Gil: So that’d be the equalizer, then.

Clem: Equalizer? What do you mean?

Gil: Shemp told me about equalizers on Gil’s Corner las’ week. It’s when--

Shemp: That’s SHEMP’S CORNER! Don’t you try to hijack the name of MY talk show, Lemson. Now we’re going to break for an important message from our underwriter and when we get back you two BETTER BEHAVE!!

Voiceover: Mr or Ms Neo Lemmitania, how often has this happened to you?

Little Billy: Mom, I need a new tootlephone for music class tomorrow.

Mom: Okay, Billy. But where can we get a tootlephone?

Little Billy: Our music teacher said we can get them from the music store downtown.

Mom: Downtown? But that’s miles away. How can we get there?

Little Billy: We could take the bus.

Mom: The buses in Neo Lemmitania aren’t fit for humans to ride, Billy. No self-respecting person would ever ride the bus.

Little Billy: The people who ride the bus smell bad.

Mom: Yes, that’s true. I guess we’ll just have to walk all the way downtown to get your tootlephone. Better put some comfortable shoes on, it’s going to be a long hike.

Voiceover: But wait, Mrs Neo Lemmitania! You don’t have to hoof it downtown anymore!

Mom: I don’t? Why not?

Voiceover: Because the geniuses at the Electric Lemming Corporation have invented a truly wonderful new innovation: LemmingWheels(tm)!

Mom: LemmingWheels? They sounds great, but what are they?

Voiceover: Why, LemmingWheels are just the greatest thing since inclined planes and levers. They’re round circles with axles and straps that you attach to the bottom of your feet! With LemmingWheels on, you can rolls anywhere with virtually no effort and get where you’re going in a fraction of the time!

Mom: Wow! LemmingWheels! Put these on your feet, Billy.

Little Billy: Okay.

Mom: But what about safety?

Voiceover: What about it?

Mom: I just want to make sure that anything Billy straps onto his feet has been approved by the Medical Profession and contains no additives or phosphates.

Voiceover: Well, you can rest assured, M Neo Lemmitania, there are no phosphates in LemmingWheels!

Mom: Whew! That’s a relief.

Little Billy: Wheeeee! Look how fast I’m going, Mom!

Mom: Wow, that’s really fast! Don’t forget to steer!

Little Billy: How do I do that?

Voiceover: LemmingWheels! Available at all respectable retailers everywhere! Buy a set today!

Shemp: Okay, are you two ready to behave?

Clem: Of course!

Gil: Absotutely.

Shemp: Great. So you saw thirty minutes of the game, at least. What are your thoughts so far?

Clem: Well, you can really tell these teams are offensively-oriented, Shemp. Lots of attacking, a more reckless style of play than last week’s match against Zwangzug.

Shemp: Oh, you saw that one, did you?

Clem: Sure, I saw it. Why wouldn’t I?

Shemp: Lemson didn’t see it.

Gil: I did too!

Shemp: We talked about it on Shemp’s Corner last week, and you didn’t even know about the game.

Gil: Doesn’t mean I didn’t see it.

Shemp: Yes, it does.

Gil: ‘ow would you know?

Shemp: Because i’m the Dean of Neo-Lemmitanian Sports.

Gil: Ooo. Nice comeback, Shemp.

Shemp: Thank you. Gilson. The Lemmings are up three-one at the half. What do you think we’ll see in the second?

Clem: The way it’s gone so far, probably more attacking. Though if I were Coach Lemster, I’d probably shift to a more defensive formation and batten down the hatches with a two-goal lead.

Shemp: Agreed.

Clem: Nice to see the Lemmings doing so well against the team that won the Baptism of Fire tourney.

Gil: Nice to see some scorin’ for once.

Shemp: You’ve missed half the scoring.

Gil: Nice for the listeners, I meant.

Shemp: It’d be nice for them to actually have the goals called.

Gil: Oh, they can see wot’s goin’ on without us describin’ it for ‘em.

Shemp: No. No, they can’t.

Gil: They can’t? Why not?

Shemp: Because this is the radio, you moron!

Gil: You know, Shemp, I notice you use an awful lot of abusive language.

Shemp: It’s not abusive, I’m just speaking the truth!

Clem: Hey, that’s uncalled for.

Shemp: Grr.

Gil: ‘ey, Shemp, where you going?

Clem: Shemp Wooley, ladies and gentlemen. The Dean of Neo-Lemmitanian Sports. Driven out of the booth by Gil Lemson. Again.

Gil: Oh, I di’n’t drive ‘im out of the booth. You did that.

Clem: Whatever. Sally, how long until the second half starts? Okay, thanks. Folks, we’ll be back for the second half kickoff in ten minutes.

[Neo Lemmitania]

Clem: So Richard kicks off to Thomas to start the second half and we’re under way again. Coach Lemster has made a roster substitution, as we speculated might happen, with Roger Rosco coming off and defender Mitchell McSheen coming on. McSheen was on for a few minutes in the game two weeks ago against Krytenia when Will Spud came off after a hard tackle gave him a nasty bruise on the left shin.

Gil: Which reminds me of the time the bus fell on me leg. Do you remember that, Clem?

Clem: What? What are you talking about?

Gil: I’m talking about the time I was walkin’ through Lemfalgar Square mindin’ me own business. There I was, crossin’ the street (with the light, I might add) when WHAMMITY! out of nowhere there came a ‘uge double-decker bus goin’ round the corner at about forty knots, which you know, is way too fast for a bus to be roundin’ a corner. Wull, I saw wot was comin’ an’ I jumped out of the way as fast as I could. But not, unfortunately, fast enough, because it toppled over right onto me left leg. Pinnin’ me to the spot, an’ also incidentally crushin’ all the bones below the thigh. But that was far from the worst of it. The really bad part was that I noticed about this time that the bus was also on fire, an’ leakin’ petrol. It was quite clear that in moments the ‘ole thing would go kablooey, takin’ me with it.

Clem: Not to mention half of Lemfalgar Square--

Gil: Don’t innerupt me, Clem. So there I was trapped with me leg under a burnin’ bus that was about to explode. Never ‘ave I been so close to death. An’ all I could think of was dear Maggie.

Clem: Who?

Gil: I tol’ you, don’t innerupt. Yes, me life flashed before me eyes. But then luckily I remembered something. Just that mornin’ I ‘ad been by the chemist to pick up me very own life savin’ Electric Bone Saw from the wonnerful folks at ACME Lemming Corp. It comes in its own ‘andy carryin’ case, you know. An’ seein’ as it’s battery-powered, you can use it anywhere, under any circumstances.

Clem: Wait a minute--

Gil: NO INNERUPTIONS! So naturally, facin’ death in the form of a fiery bus explosion, I whipped out that ‘andy dandy bone saw an’ fired it up. An’ proceeded to cut off me leg, and roll away to safety jus’ in the nick of time, as the bus did proceed to explode forthwith. It was a narrow escape worthy of a ‘ollywood action blockbuster, an’ all thanks to me Electric Bone Saw from ACME Lemming Corp.

Clem: And then you bled to death?

Gil: No, no. There was no blood.

Clem: Of course there was. You can’t saw your leg off without there being blood.

Gil: Ugh. Wull, that’s disgustin’, Clem.

Clem: Oh, like that whole ad wasn’t disgusting?

Gil: Ad? Wot ad?

Clem: The ad you just delivered for the Electric Bone Saw from ACME Lemming Corp!

Gil: Oh, ACME Lemming Corp, I’ve ‘eard of them. They make a fine Electric Bone Saw.

Clem: Okay, okay... you can’t sit there and claim that was not an advertisement.

Gil: It never was. That was wot they call an ‘antidote.’

Clem: Anecdote. And it was not.

Gil: Sure it was.

Clem: That was in no sense an anecdote!

Gil: ‘ow do you know?

Clem: Because an anecdote is when you relate a little story about something that actually happened to you.

Gil: That did ‘appen to me.

Clem: It did not!

Gil: Prove it.

Clem: Prove it? Prove that you never sawed your left leg off?

Gil: Yeh, prove it. Ouch! What was that?

Clem: That was me kicking you in the left leg!

Gil: Oh, that? That thing right there?

Clem: Yes, that thing right there.

Gil: Oh, that’s a prosthetic.

Clem: No it isn’t!

Gil: An’ ‘ow would you know that?

Clem: You’re wearing shorts! I can see your leg!

Gil: They make ‘em very realistic nowadays. Ouch!

Clem: So realistic it hurts when I stomp your foot.

Gil: Wull, of course it ‘urts when you stomp me foot.

Clem: Your prosthetic foot.

Gil: Don’t try an’ change the subjec’, Clem.

Clem: Don’t you try and change the subject by telling me not to change the subject!

Gil: Yes, don’t try an’ do that. Look. Someone jus’ scored a goal.

Clem: What!? Damnit, Aels just scored. Who was that? Aled Jones, the midfielder. Thanks, Mike. So just five minutes into the second half, and the Aelsh score despite the extra defender on the pitch for the Lemmings. So now the score is three-two and the Lemmings are kicking it off.

Gil: Good timing, that

Clem: Oh, you mean because it distracted me?

Gil: That’s wot I meant, but now I’m sorry I said it. Since I seem to have re-stracted you by doin’ so.

Clem: Re-stracted?

Gil: Opposite of distracted.

Clem: Oh, of course. That’s a good one, actually.

Gil: Thanks. Sometimes I get in a good one. Speakin’ of which, you know wot would be a good franchise?

Clem: I don’t know, illegally selling advertisements during our broadcast?

Gil: Wull, actually, that sounds pretty lucrative. Especially if one could convince any foreign corporations to pony up. But no, that’s not wot I was thinkin’ of.

Clem: The Lemmings have control of the ball, by the way, folks, in Aelsh territory.

Gil: Right, jus’ wot I was about to comment on.

Clem: No, you weren’t.

Gil: True enough. Anyroad, I was jus’ thinkin’ it’d be great to ‘ave a corner on the market for sellin’ bananas to football players. Considerin’ ‘ow frequently the referees are tellin’ the players to go an’ eat ‘em.

Clem: Yeah, that would be great. you ought to sink your life’s saving into getting that concession.

Gil: That’s wot I was thinkin’ about doin’.

Clem; Yeah, go for it. Bingson gets a nice shot, but McConnell saves it. Wraps it right up. And we’re going back the other way.

Gil: Of course, I know very little about bananas.

Clem: You also know very little about football.

Gil: You’re one to speak! Three weeks ago you ‘adn’t even ever ‘eard of the game!

Clem: And look at me now. Now I know what I’m talking about.

Gil: Yeh, ‘ey, ‘ow’d that ‘appen?

Clem: I spent three weeks studying that game. Hello, where have you been?

Gil: I been right ‘ere. Wot, are you ‘avin’ another attack of Deja Vu?

Clem: No, I’m being sarcastic. Because we talked about the fact that I’ve been studying the game for three weeks earlier in the broadcast. You were supposed to have been doing it, too. And by the way, my Deja Vu has never gone away, even slightly.

Gil: Oh, wull, best not to talk about that.

Clem: You keep saying that. What’s up with that?

Gil: Nothing is up with that.

Clem: No, seriously. I know something’s going on.

Gil: Jus’ because you ‘ave Deja Vu continuously for weeks an’ weeks don’t mean something’s goin’ on. Mebbe there’s jus’ somethin’ wrong with your brain.

Clem: Thanks, Gil. No, it’s not the Deja Vu that tells me something’s going on. It’s how weird you’re acting about it.

Gil: Wull, you’d act weird too if--

Clem: If what?

Gil: Best not to say.

Clem: Okay, look, can you tell me off the air?

Gil: Hmm, no, can’t see ‘ow that’d be any safer.

Clem: Okay, fine. Fine. we can just keep this up for the next fourteen weeks.

Gil: Possibly.

Clem: You know, I was looking some stuff up on the interweb yesterday.

Gil: Uh-oh.

Clem: Found some perplexing stuff about the history of--

Shemp: Oh good, you’re both in the booth this time.

Clem: What? What? Shemp, what are you doing here?

Shemp: What are you talking about now, Gilson? I always come into the booth for the game wrap-up.

Clem: Game wrap-up? It’s, like, ten minutes into the second half.

Gil: No it ain’t. Look at the clock.

Clem: What happened to the last forty mintues?

Gil: I knew this would ‘appen.

Clem: What? What happened?

Shemp: I’m glad there was no more screwing around.

Clem: What? Did I black out? Gil?

Gil: Not exac’ly.

Shemp: Want to give the game recap, Gilson?

Clem: I don’t even remember the last forty minutes!

Shemp: Great. Very nice. You sit here calling the game and don’t even remember it. You’re as bad as Lemson.

Clem: Gil, what the hell is going on?

Gil: Best not to say. You see wot ‘appens.

Shemp: Fine, I’ll give the game summary. The Lemmings win it five-two on goals by Bingson, Wilco Rosco, Henneman, Lemstater, and another by Henneman. Aelsh goals provided by Thomas and Richard. Yellow cards on Mitchell McSheen of the Lemmings and Stephen Andrews of Aels. That gives the Lemmings a record of two wins, one draw, and one loss so far in the qualifiers, and seven points. Any last thoughts, you two?

Clem: I’m utterly confused at this moment, Shemp.

Gil: No thots, Shemp, end the broadcast.

Shemp: Great. For Clem Gilson and Gil Lemson, I’m Shemp wooley, the Dean of Neo-Lemmitanian Sports, saying good night, and thanks for listening.

[Polar Islandstates]

Prologue
The Concrete Museum


Accidents Will Happen

**
From the case notes of Wolfgang Lillehammer, PI
After the news had spread around the room, it didn’t take long to figure out why the match between Bjarnarey Flotilla and Maritime Hove would all of a sudden have become much more significant. A Bjarnese local by birth, Morten Yarbin had originally turned out for Hove before making the move up to the Flotilla like many other players in this part of the world do. He had later moved onto other clubs, of course, and had only briefly returned to be player-manager of the Flotilla in his transition from player to coach, but the Bjarnarey public had always taken him to heart, and his death from a heart attack, sudden despite his age, was something of a shock to the Bjarnese.

The sombre air was evident throughout the city in the next few days. Even the motion of the waters seemed more sluggish than usual, as if the very fabric of the city had to force itself to get up and go about its daily business in the light of such bad news. Flags on the football stadia flew at half-mast, and across the nation, football fans’ eyes turned towards the floating city as they wondered how the home town of one of their most beloved former coaches of the game would mark his passing.

The answer, at least at first, appeared to be in the football match.

Jeremy Ford-Karlsen was a retiring footballer and fan favourite in the city, despite never really succeeding in getting fame or reputation to spread beyond Norscelt. Known for his effort if not his attainment, he was one of the many footballers who, like Yarbin, had made the jump up from Maritime Hove to Bjarnarey Flotilla, and with a cheeky smile and a ‘never-say-die’ attitude, he had always managed to get the fans on his side. Hailing from the area of Little Wight, the fans enjoyed his presence on the pitch, even when his form was starting to drop, and even though a once-whispered big-money move to Jan Mayen Islanders never came off, he was able to forge a long career as a squad player for the Flotilla before moving back to Maritime Hove to captain them in his twilight years.

To mark his retirement, his former clubs had agreed to play a charity football match between the current Hove first team, led by Ford-Karlsen one last time, and a rag-tag bunch of Bjarnarey youth players and veterans who played with Ford-Karlsen whilst he was at the club. It was already promising to be a reasonably well supported match, but when the death of Morten Yarbin was announced in the capital, the news quickly spread to Ford-Karlsen and the rest of the organisers in Bjarnarey. All of a sudden the profits from the match weren’t just going to the local charities chosen, but Ford-Karlsen and the clubs themselves were promising to match any donations to the Yarbin Trust out of their own pockets. A new batch of invitations were sent out, and the match was now acting as a kind of preliminary memorial for the man before his body could make it back to the city for the traditional Bjarnese funeral service.

I wasn’t surprised when Boris turned up on my doorstep the day of the match, sliding another grubby envelope with another invitation to the executive box at The Barge, but I must admit to raising an eyebrow when he informed me of the new guest list.

Timo Skye, my old partner in crime-solving here in Bjarnarey, Yarbin’s former manager at the Terns and now co-president of the WCC Sol Kirkkegaard, Kirkkegaard’s fellow co-president Magnus Ragnorak, FPIFA chairman Dima Koolhaas, and a host of other retired names in Polarian football were all turning up, as well as the Mayor and the usual assorted faces from the Bjarnese in-crowd. It was a hefty list, and I wasn’t surprised that whoever it was that Kolberg and I had overheard that night on the concrete balcony had decided that it would make a bigger and better target for whatever they were planning than that stuffy room of academics had been.

Nonetheless, they had been overheard by a police officer, and now rid of the corruption that had made life so difficult for Klimpt and I, they were out in force at The Barge that night. A flatfoot whose face I just about recognised did express some surprise at the turnstiles that I’d been wilfully invited to an event like this, but I chose not to explain how Boris was involved, and I was lead up the stairs into the executive boxes.

It was a veritable who’s who of Polarian football up there. I don’t even like football, but even I was able to recognise and put names to a lot of the faces up there that night. Turns out you don’t let the first ever assistant manager of the national Federal side pass without a host of well-wishers turning out to appreciate all he did for the nation, even before his actual memorial service and funeral. Footballers, managers, pundits, Bjarnese heroes including Professor Aalesund and Mr Poplaberg from the night before, as well as the Bjarnarey Flotilla and Maritime Hove chairmen, and the council leaders from each of the Bjarnarey districts; Shalebeck, Jodrell, Hove, Langoya, Little Wight, Nordkapp, Norscanal, and the Docklands.

No Mayor, though, just to underline the fact that he should watch hi pockets more when travelling through the docks – it’s not as if Boris is a particularly subtle human being, after all.

As the match started, Timo Skye noticed my arrival and peeled off from his group, who were now all watching the match. Wih a smile and a warm handshake, he greeted me like an old friend.

“Wolfgang! How are you my old friend?” he asked with a genuine smile on his face.

Many of the other faces in the room looked at me with a wide range of emotions. On the one hand, confused that a face they didn’t recognise should be a good enough friend to elicit a greeting like that from someone as famous as Skye, and on the other hand relieved that at least this greeting explained why somebody they didn’t recognise was in the executive box in the first place.

“I’m good, Timo, thank you,” I answered, perhaps a little louder than I needed to, “how are you?”

“Oh, you know, can’t complain.” he said with a smile, “I’ve been busy writing offensive letters to the Audioslavian and Darmeni FAs for the past two weekends, so, you know, that’s been entertaining at least. “

I chuckled by way of response, and we had a good catch up on the nature of crime-fighting in Bjarnarey and international postage rates depending on how much rotten fruit you can squeeze into a jiffy bag. We made quite the pair.

It wasn’t until the match was approaching its final ten minutes that I realised I’d been talking with Skye for the entire thing. I noticed with a start that the whole match had passed nearly, and I’d done next to no sleuthing. Bjarnarey were winning three goals to two against Hove, but that wasn’t important to me.

The door opened to our right, and the assorted characters cooed in appreciation of the trays of food now being brought in by the catering staff. Nibbles, posh drinks, the biggest spread of finger food I’d ever seen outside of the capital, and all of it free. Standing at the doors waving in the catering staff were Klimpt and Kolberg. I waved. They waved back and walked towards me.

“Enjoying our hospitality I see, Wolfgang.” said Klimpt, slightly curtly.

“Well, I soon hope to be, yes,” I conceded, feeling my mouth watering already, “how about you, everything secure after what we overheard at the museum?”

“Of course.” answered Kolberg assertively with a nod of her head.

“Well, we thought so anyway,” interrupted Klimpt, “I won’t ask how you got an invitation…”

“Oh chill out, Klimpt,” I said with a wave of my hand, “I’m one of the good guys, you know that.”

A grunt in response. Clearly, the man was stressed.

“Besides,” I continued, trying to put him at ease, “I’ve been here the whole match chatting with Timo, there’s been nothing suspicious going on. Trust me.”

“Hmm,” he said, appearing to get even more nervous at the disclosure of this piece of information, “even so, I’d rather things were kept as tight and as ship-shape as I intended them to be, thanks.”

“If you say so, pal,” I said, not really listening that hard and focusing rather more on how quickly the assembled guests were working their way through the buffet.

“Speaking of which,” he continued, “I’ll be heading down to the pitch now to go and oversee the handing over of the trophies and the commemorative cheques and stuff. Want to come down?”

I looked at the pile of vol-au-vents and champagne, and politely declined.

“Nah, you’re alright.” I said, dryly.

“Suit yourself,” he said briskly, “Kolberg will be staying up here to keep an eye on things. The food has been checked, by the way.”

“Glad to hear it,” I said, already walking towards the food.

Twice in three days, I thought to myself as I stuff my chops with the free food, resolving as I did so to investigate the richer end of Bjarnarey more often.

Before Klimpt could get even two steps into his trip towards the door however, our attention was drawn to the clink and drum of a rolling metal object that had just appeared on the carpet, accompanied by others like it. He looked at me, and I looked at him. His bloodless face seemed to confirm what I already knew. I double checked with Kolberg just to be sure.

Yep.

Grenades..

Smoke grenades to be precise, and as they exploded in the room around us, the air became thick with acrid grey smoke, thick enough so that you could barely seem your hand in front of your face.

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

Four in total, they were accompanied by two flashbangs that deafened us all, lighting up the smoke like a stage and momentarily revealing the whereabouts of the other people in the room to us all.

BANG! BANG!

Ears ringing, I dropped to all fours and attempted to regain my senses. I could feel through the floor that several people had just run into the room. Through the incessant tinnitus in my ears, I just was about able to overhear the shouted conversations of our new guests.

”Go on, go on! Grab your one!”

“Alright, alright, alright.”

“Ah, Thor’s beard, this one’s fighting back!”

“Wait, what? No Mayor, again?!”

“Who cares? Just grab someone else, we’ll explain to the boss later.”

“Fine, but he won’t like it.”

“Go, go!”

“Okay, okay! Go, go, go!”

And then silence.

Silence but for the coughs and splutters of the people in the room, attempting to comprehend what had just happened. Mercifully, I had been left alone in the melee, but it was immediately apparent that not everyone had been so lucky. Only Thor knew what it must have looked like to the people in the stadium on the other side of the glass.

Well, Thor and the people who actually were in the stadium on the other side of the glass, obviously.

When the smoke had begun to clear and the panic had subsided a little, we could count the missing. Timo Skye had been kidnapped along with his conversation partner at the time the grenades had exploded, Bjarnarey left back Vauxhall Jansen. FPIFA chairman Dima Koolhaas had been taken as well, as had Magnus Ragnorak. Sol Kirkkegaard was lying on the ground looking concussed, evidently having been the one who had fought off the advances of his captors, but no such luck for the new club secretary of Bjarnarey Flotilla, Juliana Veneberg, or the council leader of Little Wight, Ingeborg Newquay.

It was quite the list of people missing, six in total, and it would have taken a lot of planning and a number of hands to pull it off. Already, that limited the number of gangs in my head that could have done it. Already my mind was working, though I had no idea why such an odd bunch of people had been kidnapped. For what purpose? And with what intentions? The last kidnapping case I’d had to deal with was a deranged drama student, maddened with rejection, who had tied up her teachers and forced them to a thirteen solo rendition of as many traditional sagas as she could manage. It didn’t land her a job, perhaps unsurprisingly, but I doubted that this kidnapping would be anything quite so mundane.

I looked at Klimpt as the frantic hurrying about began from the other officials. He had the worried look and ashen face of a man who thought his job could be on the line as a result of what had just happened. Which, of course, it probably was.

I noticed the hat of one of the catering staff lying on the floor, and bent to pick it up lightly between my fingers. Tucked neatly inside was a folded envelope, turned yellow with dirt and age. On it was scrawled a single line of text;
”Here’s that information you asked for. Money in the usual place, I assume?”
I clenched the paper that little bit tighter. The envelope was empty, but I’d recognise that spidery scrawl anywhere.

I caught Kolberg’s eye, and she nodded at me. Putting away the taser she’d drawn in the confusion but had been unable to use, such was the risk of hitting someone innocent, she walked towards me.

“I thought you said the catering had been checked?” I yelled over the shouts of the commotion happening as police and first aiders rushed into the room.

“It had been,” she yelled back, “but who checked the catering staff?”

Waving the smoke out of our faces as we left the room, we descended the stairs and strode straight out into the night. We had some inquiries to make; starting with a certain neighbour of mine…

I noticed a tasteful poster of Morten Yarbin outside the stadium as we walked the paths towards my home in the south end of Shalebeck. Quite the way to mark the passing of a great, I pondered.


The story will continue in The Popular Peoples’ Front of Bjarnarey for the Bjarnese

[Mapletish]

The Sour Kind
Because being sweet is too mainstream; bringing you the latest updates of the World Cup LXV Qualifiers
With some annoying eyebrows and fake accent; YOLO!

Hello everybody, this is Tish once again for your edition to the Sour Kind, carry forward, the Minnows have lost Game Two of the semi-final series against Havl 1-0 on shootout so this means that the Minnows are off to play for their best of three game series against Plutoni for the third place playoff, the second time in the Minnows' history. While the ice hockey side are ending off their tournament, the Lions have just barely started their tournament and they have already bagged home two defeats, maybe one of the worse performance in the Lions' history, playing in their 9th qualifying cycle, things aren't looking too good for the Lions here, after they go all complacent after a 2-0 win against TailsPrower in the opening matchday and after that they slumped altogether collecting only one point in three matches in would have been worse, the Lions failed to win against Commune and shamelessly lost at home to Maklohi Vai 1-0. We can't blame the Lions too much there but the Lions turned overcautious in the last two matches, starting from the game against Commune, trying to avoid roots could have made the Lions cautious against Maklohi Vai, but despite the momentum that the crowd has gone to help the Lions at, the team seem like a new comer.

The match was largely disappointing for the Lions, with a first half stalemate between the two nations despite the Lions dominating the match, two goals disallowed in the first half, frustrating everybody except for the visiting Vaian team who were saved by the referee who was alleged an anti-Mapletian who gave unnecessary fouls against the Lions while trying to protect the visiting Vaian team whenever possible to ensure that the Lions lose this match, quoted from an anti-Maplish community website with an overseas domain, the referee claimed to be named Navin Krishen. After the match he was detained by Mapletish authorities for alleged terrorism claims which was not denied by Krishen himself, but was later released on bail by his country and will have to be recalled for detention and interrogation should further evidence surface. Due to this, an alleged diplomatic breakdown was seen between the two nations, as "country" declared all diplomatic agreements null and void but remained an open embassy at Mapletish with the ambassador reportedly safe.

Before we go on into all the politics behind this game, I'm going refocus back into the game itself. So in total, the Lions have a total of four goals disallowed, which were obviously goals. The Mapletish FA however have decided to accept the result while WCC has dismissed the referee due further notice. So after a first half stalemate with two disallowed goals at the Mapletians frustration, the Vaians made their pressure pay when Rumoto Noramanai curled a brilliant free kick past Maryam Stephanie to consign Janette's team to defeat and take themselves fifth in the group while the Lions are struggling at seventh place, eight points away from the top with still a negative goal difference.

Junio was replaced by Morison ahead of the match after he complained of stomach cramps, with her telepathic partner out, Ai Jing was replaced by Nicole Natalie. The Lions was skippered by Di Natile in the match as he tried to direct the team without two key players in the attack.

The first chance of the game came after 10 minutes when Morison flashed a shot a yard wide of Numatao Makai's far post following a strong run up at the right flank as Jessie Leons connected well with Morison for his attempt on goal.

A moment of mis-communication between Wono Kalopai and Makai handed the Lions with another chance minutes later but Kalopai recovered in time to deny Morison an easy finish.

The first of the two offside calls by the referee began, as the Lions stormed forward for a counterattack, a clever pass from the impressive Dennis Long for Di Natile wrong footed Waniri Ulanamauaio and Di Natile was clear on goal, he finished off the brilliant counter with an impressive shot to the top corner, however it was ruled as offside, when it showed that he has received the ball on the same line as the last defender. Despite protests, referee Krishen refused to award the goal and threatened to book any player who argued against his decision.

The second of the two bad offside calls by Krishen happened over a corner, Di Natile's corner looked to have reached Dennis feet and while he attempted a volley from near post, it was ruled as offside despite Dennis being closely marked by Malaopani. The whole of the Allianz Arena was already buzzing with the crowd protesting the referee's decision, on the pitch, the Vaian players started to protest the referee's decision in support for their Maplish counter parts, despite that Krishen refused to awarded the goal. Protesting the referee's decision, Vaian's players Runokunao Palatai and Tumo Makanopalani walked out of the match, in support for the Vaians, Vito and Dennis walked out of the match. Krishen continued the match without the four players, as both teams played with two players down.

Mapletish finished the half with some forward momentum but the Vaians feel that they should have been ahead after the referee dismissed their strong claims for a penalty when Mei Kei brought down Noramanai in the penalty box.

Coming back after the break Morison thought that he had given the Lions a well deserve lead after an amazing goal but this time round the referee's assistant correctly flagged him offside after a delicate finish. But seconds later, there was more controversy when Jessie headed the ball in from an untidy corner kick but referee Krishen saw an infringement in the build up in his opinion and Mapletish were denied another goal, their fourth in the match.

Wagner then tested Stephanie with a header as the Vaian team looked to go ahead, before the keeper almost handed the opposition a goal with two wild mistakes within the space of a minute. This would have certainly give Janette second thoughts should she want to pick Stephanie again.

Wagner and Noramanai came close when they combined for a well worked free kick routine in the 70th minute but the latter failed to connect with the ball with his awkward volley inside the area.

But Noramanai made up from it from another free kick soon after. This time he went for it alone and succeeded in behind the ball up and over the wall and past the hapless Stephanie from just outside the penalty box.

The Vaians then took the sting out of the game and comfortably saw out the final few minutes without too much hassle, despite a late Di Natile free kick which the keeper palmed wide low to his right, to claim all three points, taking them to fifth in Group Four.

So well do catch up for more updates to the Qualifiers and of course all the best for the Lions in recovering their lost form all this while, we have to win in the next few matches to get at least get a playoff spot or else, Janette would be dismissed after her contract expires after this cycle.

[Sandwich Territories]

DAILY NEWS

AT THE VERY PEAK OF THE MOUNTAIN

The Sandwich Territories FA is currently in control of Group as of today, as the Royals beat last placed Joshualia with a score of 3-2.

GOALS:
Joshualia: 12' 15'

Sandwich Territories: 35' 46' 49' (Banks)

This game would mark the first time that Banks has gotten a hat-trick. Starting goaltender and veteran Tolliver Ments noted that, "When you know that the team has your back when you mess up, you not only have confidence in your team, but you are driven to improve your current efforts. I plan to keep on going as long as my legs will let me." The next game will be against Osairus, which will mark the Royals largest challenge in the 10 group matches.
"Hey, take a look at this."

"You read 'Daily News'?"

"Yeah........why?"

"Nothing. SBC is much better, if I might say so."

"Well, either way, take a look at this."

"....WE ARE IN FIRST?!"

"Yes. Regardless of the weak schedule, we are in first."

"Wow, we have to show the whole team!"


*informal team meeting is called*


"Hey guys. I just wanted you all to be here so I can show you something."

"Well, what is it?"

*gives magazine to Remi*

"Pass it around when you read the headline."

"........wow....."

"Well, we have to continue from here. Next match is a tough one. And, I think they forgot about the injury Tolliver had....."

"I told you the Daily News sucks....."

"Anyways, our true test has yet to be given to us. Lets make sure we are ready to win the tough games ahead."

[Ossidiacqua]

Miserabili: The musical of the Acquan World Cup 65 qualification saga
And yes, that is an excuse to visualise Grand High Cardinal Giocomo Re as Idris Elba in a Pope Hat
A shameless Les Miserables re-appropriation

SCENE EIGHT:
A depressed Yoann Vega looks out of the window whilst under house arrest and laments his current situation.

[VEGA]
There was a time when Re was kind,
Or at least he wasn't angry,
And he was tolerable.
There was a time when I was needed,
And the land sang my name,
And the song was exciting.
There was a time when it all went wrong...

I dreamed a dream of double-you-see-queues,
When hope was high for qualification.
I dreamed that we would never lose,
I dreamed we'd represent our nation.
Then I was young and unafraid,
To take the seeds on, though we got pasted.
There was no reason to believe,
That one day I'd be stuck here, wasted.

But the bears, they came at night,
With their claws and bites and cross blows.
They tried to render me apart,
As they were teamed with bolts from crossbows.

I stood five cycles by their side,
They brought me joy, they brought me sadness.
Then Re took my freedom in his stride,
And now I'm locked up in this madness.

And still I dream that I'll be free,
That I will manage from the sidelines.
Instead of being held captive here,
Reading lies in papers' headlines.

I had a dream this cycle would be,
So different from this hell I'm living!
My hands are tied, I have no news!
Now Re has killed the dream I dreamed...

[Super-Llamaland]

Group 1
Friday Freshman 0–1 Kalusia
The fief of Sir Kunne 0–1 Horusland
Oralana 2–4 Super-Llamaland
Taeshan 1–0 Leorudo
Sargossa 1–0 Armed Bears

- Group 1 Pld W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 Taeshan 4 4 0 0 6 0 +6 12
2 Super-Llamaland 4 3 0 1 10 4 +6 9
3 Kalusia 4 2 1 1 4 3 +1 7
4 Horusland 4 2 1 1 4 4 0 7
5 Armed Bears 4 2 0 2 8 7 +1 6
6 Sargossa 4 2 0 2 2 3 −1 6
7 Leorudo 4 1 2 1 2 2 0 5
8 Oralana 4 1 1 2 5 8 −3 4
9 The fief of Sir Kunne 4 0 1 3 3 6 −3 1
10 Friday Freshman 4 0 0 4 0 7 −7 0

"Welcome to Soccer with Spiff! I'm Spiff Spiffman, this is the Llamaland Tigers' den."
"Do tigers have dens?"
"I don't care, Bob. Now, to the recap!"

*Recap video/Music play*

"What a win that was!"

Luis Alcanatra
Luis played on the bench. He hadn't played the entire tournament, but here he was playing now. It was one to one. The clock read in big, important numbers: 75:32. And now Luis was in for Evan Powell (who was still recovering from an injury). Luis wasn't as good as Powell. But the manager wanted to change things up.

The first half had been scoreless. Then one had gotten by Tyson Richards after six first-half saves. 1-0 at 51. But Bobby Crosby then got a beautiful pass from Trevor Duncan at 65, and this one-all tie was the result. Nobody knew how it would end.

Luis got the ball and passed it right away. He didn't like pressure. He was only 21.

Then he realized that the pass had been straight at John Oliver, and the scoreboard suddenly read 2-1 after 76:01. The Llamanean fans screamed with delight, at stadium and in front of TV.

But then, it was 2-2 again and fans groaned as the clock read 88:17.

Luis got the ball. But somehow, he wasn't nervous this time. He dribbled...dribbled...there! Easy shot.

The crowd roared once again. Then, somebody jumped on him, and the Tigers had the lead. 89:56.

Trevor Duncan further pleased the crowd with a goal in stoppage, and the team had an exciting 4-2 win to protect the second place standing. If they had lost, they would have been fifth. And Luis, for just the second time, lead the 1-2-3 Tigers cheer.

Llamas- 45% Possession, 16 shots (7 on goal), no cards
Opponent- 55% Possession, 12 Shots (9 on goal), no cards

STATS UPDATE:
Tyson DeJesus 90% Saves, 35 SOG-Four Goals
Trevor Duncan NINE POINTS (three goals three assists)
Jared Mullin FIVE POINTS (one goal three assists)
Bobby Crosby FOUR POINTS (two goals)
Luis Alcanatra THREE POINTS (one goal one assist)
Johnny Rushmore THREE POINTS (one goal one assist)
Chris May THREE POINTS (one goal one assist)
John Oliver TWO POINTS (goal)
Evan Powell TWO POINTS (goal)
Chris Chapman ONE POINT (assist)

Major worries-
Possession icky despite wins
Powell, Crosby points equal to Rushmore, Alcanatra
Oliver's struggles continue
Good points-
Bench is great
Richards is inconsistent but good
Ferguson's management seems solid
SECOND PLACE!

[Nouvel Ecosse]

NOUVEL ECOSSE 3 1 REX LUCIAN
Jorge Sanchez 7', Javier Zanetti 25', Darren McFadden 88'

After the disappointment of yet another loss for the Rampant Walrus, this time against the Sova Empire, it was a welcome victory for both players and fans alike as they returned back to their home stadium, nestled deep in the heart of the capital city of Edinburgh. The unfortunate visitors on what was one of the hottest days in Nouvel Ecosse so far this year was the national team of Rex Lucian, had yet to even pick up a point so far in the qualifying stages. Nouvel Ecosse, on the other hand, were languishing in 7th place, only a point separating the two sides.

It was Nouvel Ecosse who looked more deadly from the offset, immediately breaking from kick-off and claiming a first minute corner after the Reno's volley was saved by the Rex Lucian goalkeeper. Lafleur delivered the corner, and centre-back Van Miller wasted an open chance, proving why he plays in defense. The Nouvel Ecosse attack continued to forcefully apply the pressure, and the solid wall that had previously met their attacks broke in the seventh minute, 17 year-old Jorge Sanchez toe-poking the ball home from nine-yards after some sloppy defending saw the ball pass clean through.

It was Nouvel Ecosse's day, and the poor display from Rex Lucian didn't exactly help matters. Darren McFadden had a chance on the thirteenth minute to double their lead, but in unusual fashion glanced the ball wide. It will be a chance that he will rue missing for the rest of his international career, if that is he falls short of the record for most international goals. Rex Lucian had their first chance on goal in the nineteenth minute, a wild shot from well-out of the box easily saved by Frazer in goals.

The Nouvel Ecosse attack once again capitalised in the twenty-fifth minute, this time Javier Zanetti coolly passing it in from a corner with the experience of his years clearly on show. The chance was almost identical to that of Van Miller's earlier on, and it was clear that Norrie Stewart had done his homework in preparation for this game, realising the weakness of the Rex Lucian defense when it came to dangerous cross balls.

The rest of the first half continued in a similiar fashion, Rex Lucian stuck in mud on the back foot and Nouvel Ecosse sending squadron after squadron mainly down the flanks. But on the stroke of half-time the Rex Lucian number eleven broke away against the run of play and easily rounded Frazer, who had tried to dive in and retrieve the ball. It wasn't much, but it gave the Rex Lucian team some hope going into the break.

Post orange peel Rex Lucian looked a better, more composed side, but they once again had to deal with a brutal tsunami that was the Rampant Walrus attack. McFadden was almost feral on the left, whilst Reno hooked up nicely with the centre-forward Donovan, who had replaced Ron McCash in the starting XI.

It was the hero of the BoF, Darren McFadden, who eased the tension amongst the Nouvel Ecosse fans as he scored the country's third, thus providing an almost unbreakable barrier between the two sides, which in the end Rex Lucian just weren't able to overcome. Colin Di Nesbo's crisp and precise cross was fantastically controlled by McFadden, who swiveled on his left foot before the blasting the ball and the game past the outstretched, desperate hands of the Rex Lucian Goalkeeper.

Although Nouvel Ecosse's chances of qualifying for the actual World Cup are already seen as slim, manager Norrie Stewart still believes that there is everything to play for: "Its experience. Its for pride. Its for spirit. Its for the future. No games are meaningless, and we can hold this victory close to our chests."

The victory propelled Nouvel Ecosse onto four points, only 3 points of fifth place and six off of the top. The future is looking very bright indeed.

[Licentiapacisterra]

That is a massive pain in the arse. Wow. That was the strangest car accident I've ever been in. Granted, it's the first, but that was fucking insane, seriously.

So, we're just driving along in the truck (I'm pretty sure Old Shakersson called it St Blazey, or something like that), down the Back Road, in the middle of the road between Nowhere and Fuck-Knows. Then suddenly, some massive bear thing, in some kind of metal suit, hit the front of the truck. I'm pretty sure I shat myself, but I didn't have the courage to check my underwear. It feels a little squidgy though. Shame I didn't bring an extra pair of pants with me on the trip.

Anyway, we've had a chat with this bear. He calls himself Mettle, and he's apparently from some place called Amberrica. I don't have a clue where that is; as I've said before, geography isn't my strong suit, but I don't think the others had a clue where it is either. There's a massive bear-sized imprint in the front of the truck, and I don't think we'll be going anywhere any time soon. One of the guys has gone off to find a phone box, but apparently he'll be away for a while trying to find a phone so that they can call some kind of mechanic, but again, they'll be a long time coming, which is frustrating. I need to be at this award ceremony soon.

They announced who was up for the Hall of Fame spot today. Obviously, Luke told me there were five guys, including me, but I found out who the other four were. Skip Sanders, Jack Kerr, Luke himself (can't believe the sly bugger didn't tell me). And my dad. Nathan's up for it too. We all got told at the same time (well, Nathan got told about me, and Luke passed it on), but I'm surprised Nath didn't pass it on to Luke to tell me. His choice after all, and I guessed that he'd be up for it, but I'm surprised he didn't tell me. I wish he had. He seems to be keeping away from it all. He knows Luke keeps in touch with me, but he doesn't seem to tell me anything about himself. For pity's sake, it was Luke that told me he'd moved to Rushmore !!

I don't even know if I want to see him again. He's been an arse about it. I want him to say something; I want him to write. I want him to make a fucking effort to talk to me !!

Sorry. I'm getting myself wound up over this. I'm in tears in the back of the truck. I need to pull myself together. I'm going to be meeting him again in a matter of weeks, hopefully; I need to be ready to see him when I do. I can't be this pissed off with him when I meet him. I need to get over it.

I've been listening to the games over the last couple of weeks. We beat Vakolic comprehensively, and yes, I did have fun listening to the commentators struggle with the nameless Vakolic players. Aran Millar got one goal, his first in the cyan-and-gold (well, black and red; we were away, so we were wearing the very nice Kirola away kit), and Moran scored two; he's had a fantastic campaign so far, as far as I can tell. Then we welcomed Jeru FC to LTI Stadium, where we held the group's top seeds to a one one draw; Ice Warrior scored one early for Jeru FC, but we were able to keep the pressure up until late in the game, when Mark McKay came off the bench and scored.

Then, we played possibly the greatest game I have ever seen from the Cyan-and-Gold. We travelled to Bastion Arena, with five thousand Licentians in full voice, and thrashed our hosts by five goals to three. It was fucking fantastic; it really was. After a fairly boring first half in Eura, with only one goal separating the sides, Lee Sharp the scorer, the second half exploded into life. The Cyan-and-Gold got three in quick succession, from Ruaraidh Donaldson, Aran Millar, then Logan Moran, then Eura followed up with two of their own, Sharp getting a second, with Skorji Oslograd getting the other. Then, late on, we managed to kill it off, the last two goals comng from Alexander Keir and Sam Hill.

Next, we host the Kytler Peninsulae, a team that I believe we faced in our first campaign. Hopefully, we'll be a little more successful against them this time around.

Finally, the mechanics have shown up. Wait, what ?? What ?! WHAT ?! A fucking ant colony ?! With a spanner ?! Okay, now I've seen it all...

[Barunia]

BaruniainSports.com.bu

That's more like it!
By Kitty Smith

The Suns took another win in the World Cup qualifiers, but the biggest victory was the score. After two single-goal games, the Suns finally managed to get more in with a 3-0 win over Mizuyuki. Victor Castolo scored the first two in impressive fashion, with a long range screamer that curled away from the corner, followed by a perfect tap-in after Sagoro drew the keeper before passing off. Castolo also had a hand in the final goal, drawing the Mizuyuki defence before setting St. John up for the shot. The veteran midfielder made no mistake, burying the ball in the top-left corner of the net. And that was that.

Speaking of Cedric St.John, he recently signed to Icemark club Frostmarris, who are currently leading the Icemark League. It seems that Frostmarris has been good match for the flamboyant midfielder, known as much for his long hair and headband as for his dynamic and explosive style. I spoke to him after the match, and he told me that the he was looking forward to his next game, against world number two Andossa se Mitrin Vega. Although there is a game between us, against low-ranked TailsPrower, coach Wiggens has decided to rest his big players for the crucial match against ASMV.

-------------

BaruniainSports.com.bu

Second-string side sends Suns skyward
By Kitty Smith

With a tough match looming next week, Suns coach Stephen Wiggens sent out a less experienced side to face group minnows TailsPrower. Goalkeeper Tobias Forrest got his first game of the qualifiers, while Damien Crook joined the back line with Lopez and Clinton. CoH 55 campaigners Bezana and Wood started in the midfield, along with new players Marris and Haynes. Samson, Featherstone and Zokora led the attack which proved to much for the TailsPrower team. The Suns scored in the tenth minute after Zokora, pressured on the TailsPrower goal line, passed back into the box and was met by Samson, who finished it well. There was some controversy of the goal, with some suggestion that the ball may have gone out of play, however it was not called by the referee and the goal was allowed to stand.

The Suns added another before half time, when Marris drove a long cross into the box that connected with Pablo Zokora. Sidestepping the defence, he fired a low flat shot that proved impossible for the goalkeeper to stop.

There were some worrying moments in the second half, when TailsPrower launched a fightback, however despite several good shots on goal they were denied any satisfaction by the excellent keeping of Forrest. Down the other end, the TailsPrower keeper made a few excellent saves, including knocking a scorcher from Zokora over the crossbar. Bezana took the corner with an excellent cross to Marris, who took the game to three-nil with an excellent header. That is Marris's second goal of the tournament in only his second appearance for the Suns, an astonishing record unmatched in the team's history.

The win puts Barunia on top of the ladder for group four, with four wins and no goals conceded. However, our next opponent is group favourites Andossa se Mitrin Vega, the only other team with four wins. Even if Barunia loses, we are still likely to retain second place. But with a couple of tough matches ahead of us, the question is wether the Suns can hold on to that all-important play-off spot.

But first, ASMV. I caught up with the coach and asked him what the strategy to winning against such a team might be. His answer was possession. "if they don't have the ball, they can't do anything with it", were his words. Keeping the ball will be difficult though, and the Suns will have to be precise with their passing and keep the wasted shots down to a minimum. Coach Wiggens also intends to secure the defence by playing an extra man at the back, hopefully increasing our chances of at least drawing with the world number two. It will be a tough challenge, but the players are ready, fired up with four good wins, and the coach is confident they've done everything to prepare. So bring it on, and let's see what happens.

[Northern Sunrise Islands]

DE PLACA
i got my time machine / got my electronic dream / sonic reducer / ain't no loser

WORLD CUP 65
Water beats Grass, NSI wins 3-1

A silent, shocked crowd saw New Montreal States being ran over by a strongly inspired Northern Sunrise Islands squad. The Vaporeons put their best on the field against the strongest team of the group and as everyone at the stadium could see, they did not dissapoint, enticing loud chants from their lovable supporters, who travelled straight out of Esportiva to watch the match.

Entering in this match, New Montreal States was leading the group, while the Vaporeons were in second place. Both teams undefeated, but our Vaporeons' opponents were in a better situation when it came to scoring and suffering goals. The Vaporeons suffered too many goals against sides that could be considered a walk in a park.

Anyways, the game started and it wouldn't take much for the team of New Montreal States scoring the first (and sole goal of their side) in a free kick that went to the top right angle of the Sunrisian goal as Trent Millard, NSI's goalie, jumped to the other side, unable to notice the curve tha ball made. Not much of a celebration from the crowd, seeing as they kinda expected this game to end in the hands of the squad of NMS. But boy, how unexpected it ended up becoming.

In the last minutes of the first half, Di Luca lobbed the ball to Iau Mangalonga, who would then dominate the ball with one of her feet, rolling it to the left, dribbling over Lavaillére to shoot the ball in the left side of the goal as Pierre Desrosiers, who knocked the ball over. Christie Travis would then hit the ball to the back of the net with the side of her right feet, tieing it up. Most people would've expected the Sunrisian team to go all-defensive, but no.

With the second half starting, and Harley Smith entering to substitute Guillermo Di Luca, who felt some pain in his left leg. The ditz of the team, Smith would help at the second goal. Nagatomo would recieve the ball from a thrown in made by McFlemming, who then took the ball to the box. Sadly, Namine would be stopped by Thion-Bartel, resulting in a penalty kick awarded to the Northern Sunrise Islands side. Smith would be picked to convert it and with a fake first shot, would hit the net with the opponents arguing with the referee about how a fake shot shouldn't be allowed in penalty kicks.

The last goal would be scored by Mateus Carvalho, who just happened to see a hole in the defensive sector of NMS to shoot it blindly. The ball ended hitting the right post with an angle that let it hit the back of the net once again. 3-1. Silence from NMS, cheer from NSI. The battle of the acronyms ending with a victory from the Esportivan side. Now NSI faces Farfadillis, who have been in a lackluster season, while NMS now has to deal with Timfen, second-placer of this group now that NMS has a loss and NSI has four wins.

NORTHERN SUNRISE ISLANDS - 3
T. Millard; J. Redwing, N. Hikari, Y. McFlemming, A. Hawk; T. McCloud, I. Mangalonga (43'), G. Di Luca (H. Smith (55')), N. Nagatomo; C. Travis, M. Carvalho (83')
NEW MONTREAL STATES - 1
P. Desrosiers; R. Thibault, H. Lavaillère, M. Thion-Bartel; A. Boyer (I. Lorimeir), J. Powell Hughes, F. Nyguen (A. Dimanche-Johnson), A. Potvin, G. Cartwright, A. Quagliara Jr. (19'); J. Randle-Cunningham (A. Gérault)

OTHER NEWS
> What is the New Union of Soviet States? (Part 2)
> SBL: Makoto Mizokawa of Watanabe Sky injured, will not play for two months
> Kitsunia-Deesse: Snowboard Tournament postponed due to lack of good weather at Novabern
> NSI vs. Farfadillis - How does the town of Peczemá, mostly of Farfs, prepare to the match between both teams?

[Svengarda]

3:12

Why won't anything come into my head? Normally things just appear and well, I write them down.

3:14

Why did the Svenga government of 1853 sign the Act of Accordance?. I have drawn a total blank. But still 46 minutes. I've written essays in shorter times.

3:17

Everyone else is writing. And all I've got is a couple of pen scribbles and half written notes.

3:20

Oh the wonder of inspiration! My pen is the sword and I am an Olympic fencer. Never should have doubted myself.

The heating at school was shot so everyone was wearing thick winter clothes during my History 9M, making us look more like polar explorers than University prospectives.

That was my last exam, so I could finally relax and think totally about football. A whole free year ahead, with nothing to do but play football and maybe travel a bit.

The first day after my 9Ms was spent entirely at the Klub. We had training in the morning, before going out to lunch in town. All 15 of us went to our local pizzeria and there was a good atmosphere. Only Jenni Reklvainen had an exam left, and that was a Dramatic Stuides Exam, which everyone knew was a guaranteed A.

In the afternoon we had a league game against West Stormskamer Girls FK. They were the whipping boys, or girls of the league. 20 games, only won win and a whole lot of goals conceded. I'm surprised I even made the team, considering our coach normally gave some of the girls who didn't get much game time a go.

I'd be slotting at left midfield, which was my secondary position behind attacking winger. The traffic around Stormskamer was poor, if a city such as Stormskamer can have poor traffic, and we started 15 minutes late on a frankly poor pitch.

By half time we were 5-1 up, and I'd had a stormer. Just four minutes in I received a long ball across the field, before cutting inside a clueless WSGFK midfield and charging towards the area. Instead of shifting the ball or slowing the play up, I decided to take shot. It came perfectly off my right foot and swirled past a motionless keeper. Add two assists and several dazzling runs, and I was feeling pretty pleased with myself.

The game wrapped itself up with an 8-1 result and another assist for me. We jogged off the pitch and into the ramshackle changing room. Our coach had unsurprisingly few words to say to us, and we all clambered back onto the bus. I was getting on last, and I was just about to step on when someone put their hand on my shoulder.

I turned around to see a man wearing a crisp black suit, high contrast to his snowy white hair.

"Ms. Steffansson?"

"Yes?"

"I'm Sven Kurshåld, from the Svenga FA" My heart skipped a beat "On behalf of the Svenga FA, I'd like to invite you to the 22nd of March Stormskamer Trial Day. You'll find a letter at your home, but I was passing by and wanted to see what everyone was excited about."

[Equestrian States]

Ponies Hand Syndicate a Beating, Remain Atop Group 20

Equestrian States 3-1 The Inevitable Syndicate
at Elements Stadium in Ponyville, Equestrian States
Attendance: 49,587
Scoring:
Thunderlane '40 (Cloudchaser)
Fire Dash '57 (Starlight Sparkle)
Luke Mitchell '65 (E. Sinclair)
Elaine Everdeen '90+1 (Rapid Dash)

PONYVILLE - In the days leading up to the Equestrian-Syndicatian showdown in Ponyville, experts warned fans against expecting the Ponies to have an easy time with their opponent. After the match last night, it's difficult not to wonder what on earth these so-called experts were talking about.

The Ponyville locals turned out in full force for the match, packing Elements Stadium beyond capacity for the first 'big' match to be played in the Equestrian States. Previously, the Ponies had faced Tantamir and Omarios in Stalliongrad and Cloudsdale respectively, but neither of those teams has a reputation anywhere near that of The Inevitable Syndicate. It was the second-most vital match being played on Equestrian soil this qualifying campaign, and the fans treated it just the way it deserved to be treated. But more importantly, the team treated it that way as well.

From the start of the match, the Ponies fought the Syndicatians for control of the game's tempo, chipping away at their opponents' energy. Although little transpired throughout much of the first half, the Ponies eventually began to establish their dominance. With five minutes left in the half, Flitter finished a sloppily-constructed Syndicatian attack by clearing the ball to midfield where Cloudchaser overpowered her mark to head the ball off to Thunderlane's waiting hooves. The Equestrian forward wasted no time racing up the pitch, blowing by the stumbling Syndicatian defenders and into the clear. With nothing but the keeper between Thunderlane and the goal, there was no hesitation on the part of the ashen-furred pegasai. The shot that would prove to be the game-winning goal breezed by Syndicatian goalkeeper Dominic Archer to give the Ponies a 1-0 lead going into the break.

When the second half began, there was fire in the Equestrians' eyes. Eager to put away their opponents, the Ponies returned to hammering at the Syndicatian defense without mercy. By the time Fire Dash headed home a corner in the 57th minute, the utter domination of the Syndicatians by the Ponies seemed complete and few expected the tired and disappointed team that trudged back to restart play to put up a fight. But the Syndicatians seized upon the relaxed Ponies' sluggishness to make the most of each opportunity they received. Taking the ball deep into the Equestrian third of the field multiple times, the goal by Luke Mitchell narrowed the deficit to one just eight minutes after Fire Dash's score.

The Ponies recovered quickly from Mitchell's goal, however, determined not to suffer from the same kind of late collapse that seems to happen every time there's an upset in international hoofball. As the Equestrians continued to control the ball throughout the remainder of the half, few doubted the Ponies would leave Elements Stadium with another few points. Then, mere seconds after the referee indicated there would be three minutes of stoppage, substitute midfielder Elaine Everdeen rifled a shot by Dominic Archer from just outside the box to seal the Equestrian States' win. The fans were still celebrating the goal when the referee brought an end to the match with the blow of his whistle.

Next up for the Equestrian States (3-1-0) is a trip to the Islands of Qutar (2-1-1), where they will look to continue their run of dominance in Group 20 with a win.

EQUESTRIAN STATES 3-1 THE INEVITABLE SYNDIACTE
Starting XI:
GK - #1 - High Soarin' (Pegasus - Male) - 31 -  Cloudsdale Flyers (EQS)
DF - #3 - Flitter (Pegasus - Female) - 25 -  Ponyville United (EQS)
DF - #8 - Andrea Molovi (Human - Female) - 24 -  Stalliongrad HC (EQS)
DF - #17 - Subtle Trix (Pegasus - Male) - 30 -  Cloudsdale Flyers (EQS)
MF - #5 - Starlight Sparkle (Unicorn - Female) - 28 -  Ponyville United (EQS)
MF - #9 - Rainbow Blitz (Pegasus - Male) - 21 -  Makosile United (VIL)
MF - #2 - Cloudchaser (Pegasus - Female) - 25 -  Cloudsdale Flyers (EQS)
MF - #4 - Apple Jack (Earth Pony - Male) - 26 -  Mardi Lopunnies (NSI)
MF - #11 - Rapid Dash (Pegasus - Female) - 28 -  Canterlot Royals (EQS)
FW - #10 - Fire Dash (Pegasus - Male) - 29 -  Ponyville United (EQS)
FW - #7 - Thunderlane (Pegasus - Male) - 25 -  Kiiara-Torra (VIL)

Substitutions:
 Stronghoof in for Subtle Trix '37
 Antonio Randall in for Andrea Molovi '46
 Elaine Everdeen in for Apple Jack '59

---

Moving Down Through the Ranks

The Islands of Qutar vs. Equestrian States
at the Stadium of Light in Lockstow, The Islands of Qutar
Capacity: Unknown

Match Day 4 Results:
Equestrian States 3, The Inevitable Syndicate 1
Bears Armed 1, The Islands of Qutar 0

LOCKSTOW, THE ISLANDS OF QUTAR - While a perfect qualifying campaign is already out of the question for the Equestrian States, fans and analysts alike are wondering if the Ponies have what it takes to go undefeated in Group 20. After last night's surprisingly easy victory over a Syndicatian team many had considered capable of upsetting the Equestrians, it's still a possibility and the schedule looks much easier from here.

The Equestrian States have now faced their two highest-ranked opponents, and the next six matches will see the ranks of the teams playing against the Ponies progressively decrease. Of course, the Equestrians must continue to guard against complacency as they look to improve their chances of qualifying for a second consecutive World Cup, but it is reassuring to the support base that the team will not have to worry about a truly deadly opponent like Bears Armed for some time. The match against Carmadin could be a trap for the Ponies, but the strength of schedule for the group's fifth-seeded team suggests their current standing has been inflated by weaker opponents.

As for the Ponies' next match against the Islands of Qutar, there is little to say with the roster of the Qutaris yet to be released on any well-known media source. However, the Bear-Belles of Bears Armed seemed to have relatively little difficulty handling Qutar, and there is nothing preventing the Ponies from equaling Bears Armed's success against them. Predicted Score: Equestrian States 2, The Islands of Qutar 0

   Group 20 - Qualifying            Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts
 1  Equestrian States              4    3   1   0    13    5   +8    10
 2  Carmadin                       4    3   1   0    12    4   +8    10
 3  Bears Armed                    4    3   1   0    11    5   +6    10
 4  Sudagiu                        4    2   1   1    11    8   +3     7
 5  The Islands of Qutar           4    2   1   1     6    4   +2     7
 6  The Inevitable Syndicate       4    1   1   2     7    7    0     4
 7  Brenecia                       4    1   1   2     6    9   −3     4
 8  Free Republics                 4    1   0   3     7    7    0     3
 9  Tantamir                       4    0   1   2     3    7   −4     1
10  Omarios                        4    0   0   4     2   17  −15     0

[Schmiegelland]

The fans were content. 6th in the group, wins over Razmakistan and Mechelen, and a good rating. Sudagiu had crashed out of the BoF in the Quarterfinals, on penalties, in a manner oddly reminiscent to Schmiegelland's excruciating loss to Pzetrovlaskia in extra time. Now, on to the match reports.

Falconwhereveryouare 1–0 Schmiegelland

The game was a relatively drab one, with both defenses doing brilliantly.

The game had no real scoring chances until the 22nd minute, when Gajka Jahgv hit the post off a beautiful free kick. Falconwhereveryouare striker Spyridon Jovanovich scored on a penalty in the 35th minute after Zdenko Aleshire was brought down in the box by Jaoo Jakka. Jovanovich promptly smashed the ball into the top left corner of the net, with Kjaer left helpless. Schmiegelland got a few more scattered shots, with Søren Broðbeck forcing a great save out of the Falconwhereveryouare keeper. Falconwhereveryouare held on for the win, and Schmiegelland were again at the bottom.

Razmakistan 3–4 Schmiegelland

This game was rather more exciting, with 7 goals being scored.

The game was quite good for neutral observers, with great excitement. Razmakistan kicked off, and within 25 seconds had already got the ball past Kjaer. After just 10 minutes, Søren Broðbeck struck back, sliding the ball past the Razmakistani keeper after a great through ball. Broðbeck struck again in the 34th, with a 27 yard shot slipping through the Razmakistani keeper's hands to send Schmiegelland two-one up. Razmakistan would get two more goals after the break, with the same player who scored in the first half netting himself a hat-trick. Gajka Jahgv would receive the ball in the 93rd minute, and send a great pass to Azani Coleil that he couldn't miss. Schmiegelland had their first win of the campaign, and it was an exciting one.

Schmiegelland 1–0 Mechelen

The game was the first home match for Schmiegelland of this World Cup campaign, and we made it count.

A goal in the opening seconds of the game set the tone. Jahgv sent a long ball up from the kickoff, and Azani Coleil pressured, then stole the ball from Sjaak de Vries to score past a helpless Ad van de Laar. Both teams had multiple shots, and Jeroen van Wolferen scored, but it was ruled offside. Many more shots were exchanged, and van Wolferen scored again, but it was ruled that, before the pass to van Wolferen, Frans Mertens handled the ball. It was given as a free kick to Schmiegelland, and the Smileys managed to hold on to the win.

Fristat and Marianopolis 2–1 Schmiegelland

The other team with the long name hosted Schmiegelland, and it ended in a loss for the Smileys.

This was one of the best defensive games of the Cup, with 3 goals being scored and some great goalkeeping on display. Kevin Ehrlichmann was the first player to show brilliance, as he made a great save from a Jahgv thunderbolt in the 10th minute. Jérôme Lemieux was the next, sending a great cross into the box that found its way into the back of the net. Schmiegelland's goal came in bizarre fashion, as a Colin Chammi corner kick was blown by the wind into the F&S goal. In the dying seconds of the match, another great cross by Jérôme Lemieux found the head of Uwe Kunze, who sent the ball past the helpless Jannis Kjaer to secure the win for F&S.

[Zwangzug]

Photographs From Our Trip To Europa Brittania, by Vipin Lamin

1. Flag blowing madly in the wind. The historic black, red, and yellow of Europa Brittania, and many other places besides. The country has been merely a "Provisional" Federal Republic for over five years. Or almost fifty. That's how it goes. Matchday Seven of World Cup 41 qualification. Team Zwangzug were busy scoring a bunch of goals and they'd go on to make fun of Yaforites. As you do.

2. This was the stadium. Not a lot of fans making the trip out, to cheer us on, but what the hey.

3. And here were our opponents. Eleven of them, I think. Back when they won that first championship (I looked it up), they had an attacking setup, three Ls up front. Not even the Lemmings have that level of organization.

4. This is the referee, Salli Lorjken. She did a good job, let the game flow. Once in a while I thought she was almost letting both teams get away with too much, but it wasn't that violent so there wasn't much to worry about. If she was just trying to soak it in, make the most of her chance to visit Europa Brittania, I don't think any of us would have blamed her. And I don't think any of the hosts would have had much to say, at all.

5. This is Lorjken and Davi and one of their midfielders with the kickoff. As you can see, their guy won it. The wind was something else, I'm telling you, so they really had the advantage that first half. Only got the one goal out of it, mind you.

6. This is me! I'm on the bench. Obviously. I don't take photographs or even write pithy lists when I'm playing, that'd just be dumb. Sara got to start and...well like I said Lorjken was doing a very lax job. I guess this isn't the most natural smile on my part. It's sort of an honor and bittersweet and overwhelming to be here right now. But then you wouldn't have gotten much of a natural smile if I'd actually been out there playing so there we go.

7. This is the halftime talk, such as it is. It's actually a horrible picture because I'm not supposed to be taking pictures. I'm supposed to be listening in case I get substituted on. But I wasn't, we were looking for offense. You can tell Scroves isn't entirely into it. We just all want to warm up. (Starters literally. Subs figuratively.)

8. These are the Brittanians on defense. I looked up the spelling. As you can see it's their turn to get battered by the wind at this point. I wish I had a better caption but I don't.

9. This is Kerry's equalizer! I got lucky with the timing here.

10. And this is Martina celebrating after the winner. Still pretty early in the half, it really was a game of two halves--in a sense we were better prepared, I think, and just had to make the most of our chances. After that we really did fall back on defense. Although I still didn't come in.

11. This is Brett shaking hands with their captain and exchanging jerseys. No matter what happens now, I'll have these, and he'll have this, a jersey from the World Cup 1 runners-up. I guess that's pretty cool.

[The Inevitable Syndicate]

Ponies Put Us In Our Place

23rd June 12013

---

Ponyville, EQUESTRIAN STATES---- Well, it just seems that the Syndicate are going from strength to strength, aren't they? Is what I would be saying if this World Cup 65 Qualifying had gone the complete opposite way to the way it has gone now. After getting our everything handed to us in a rather close game against the Bear-Belles at home, we moved on over to Ponyville to face current group leaders, Equestrian States. Now, the ponies are a side that we've heard a lot about, but have never had the opportunity to play at international level. And boy, did we pick a bad time to start.

Firstly, the home advantage was probably enough to squeeze a win, as the 49,587 fans located in the stadium (some Syndicatian, but mostly Equestrian) were roaring with pride and seemed very intimidating to the Syndicatian team. However, that didn't stop us from going at it full force, and throughout much of the first half, the Syndicate vied for possession of the ball, asserting some control in the opposing half of the pitch. However, this just didn't seem to be enough, as Equestrian Goalkeeper High Soarin' just wouldn't let us get away with a shot. Unfortunately, during a rather hastily-put-together attack, the ponies retaliated and stormed up the pitch. Trying to intercept just didn't work, and Thunderlane recieved a wonderful ball from Cloudchaser and put it neatly behind the goal, minutes before the end of the half.

The second half saw a more vengeful opposing squad head out on the field. Already 1-0 up, the ponies felt that they could extend their lead further, and did so in master stroke from Fire Dash 57 minutes in. This must have invoked something in the Syndicatian attack, as Sinclair managed to grapple for the ball and pass it down in a brilliant move to Luke Mitchell, who braced as the ball went whizzing past Soarin' and into the goal. 2-1. It could have been the foundation for a solid post-emptive strike.

After a long battle, which saw both sides clock in some very good shots, with them all being blocked and stopped by the extremely well-trained defence, the end of the match was in sight. While the Syndicate saw no chance of victory, they weren't planning on going down before the end. The referee called in three minutes of extra time, and unfortunately this small pocket of time would be just enough to undo all the hard work the team had put in across the game. Elaine Everdeen spotted the opportunity to cash in another goal, and it paid out a phenomenal dividend when the ball went whistling past Archer's hands, and securing that three points for the Ponies.

The Inevitable Syndicate
:: Goalscorers ::
:: '65 Luke Mitchell
Equestrian States
:: Goalscorers ::
:: '40 Thunderlane
:: '65 Fire Dash
:: '90+1 Elaine Everdeen

Now that our initial 'hump' is over, this next set of matches sees the Syndicate paired with some easier opponents. There's always the chance for them to slip up, however, so it'll be all eyes on the pitch to see if the team can claim some vital points back from some of the lower seeded teams, in order to slingshot them back into the top three.

Lymantatian bookkeepers have made odds on the Syndicate coming fourth. No, not in the group, overall. Now, I might be a man who is married to chance, but if you want to keep your money, I wouldn't really bet that. In fact, the odds are so low, that Andrew Browne, Administrator, was reported to say the following: "If the Syndicate come fourth in the World Cup, I think I'll hand over the country to Queen Margret herself..."

   Group 20 - Qualifying            Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts
 1  Equestrian States              4    3   1   0    13    5   +8    10
 2  Carmadin                       4    3   1   0    12    4   +8    10
 3  Bears Armed                    4    3   1   0    11    5   +6    10
 4  Sudagiu                        4    2   1   1    11    8   +3     7
 5  The Islands of Qutar           4    2   1   1     6    4   +2     7
 6  The Inevitable Syndicate       4    1   1   2     7    7    0     4
 7  Brenecia                       4    1   1   2     6    9   −3     4
 8  Free Republics                 4    1   0   3     7    7    0     3
 9  Tantamir                       4    0   1   2     3    7   −4     1
10  Omarios                        4    0   0   4     2   17  −15     0
Scores table (including images) cruelly taken from Equestrian States. They have a nice statistics department. ILN is thinking of hiring.

Freddie Johnson
ILN Sports

[Taeshan]

Taeshan

Leorudo

1

0

Voegael

Tartarus

Longwaters

Rojas

Lydie

Freedman

Jaffacake

Delrose

Fasnacht

Azulis

Pato

Opladious

Juniper

Kiernan

Müller

Fenlon

Ptolemy

Moore

Ibrahim

Osano

Wiggin

Yussu

---

Subs: 48' Eddie Styles for Jeremiah Longwaters [TAE], 54' Warren Cummings for Juan Rojas and Callum McNaughton for Luke Moore [LEO], 70' Brian Kljestan for Xavier Ptolemy [TAE], 89' Kyle Laravy for Ender Wiggin [TAE]

---

Goals: 75' Brian Kljestan [TAE]

---

It was late but it was a great goal. The Knights once again controlled the game playing against a much unheralded Leorudo side played the better game throughout the first 70 minutes but could not put the small round ball into the back of the net. With the second half sub of Brian Kljestan though and a move to a three striker offense to go for the victory at home the Knights quickly moved from a threatening offense to a very powerful and goal scoring offense.

After the sub it all changed for the Knights. With 10 missed shots, 6 of which on target in the first half + the Knights were making opportunities but doing everything but converting them. Eventually though Brian Kljestan managed a shot on goal only 6 minutes into his arrival on the field and scored his 11th goal in a national team jersey. Not bad for a player who didn't join the team until he was 27. The shot was altogether unremarkable beyond the fact that it hit the back of the net and gave the Knights a lead. And after that the old Knights keep away game began and the rest is history

[Kandorith]

Steady Dragons Seize Draw


By Lisho Yaru

A fine example of the sturdiness of the Kandorese national team today, as they snatched a 1 - 1 draw. Something Kandorith hoped for but tried to avoid with a win. The Dragons are well on their way to establishing their feet in this World Cup Qualification round.


The atmosphere in the stadium was one of both joy and a bit of disappointment as many chances were either missed or blocked quickly. Yet, this didn't bring down the celebrations of the fans on both sides. Lots of fans are still waiting for Kandorith to shine and keep showing their support at the World Cup stadiums itself and at home. Here at home the bars are filled completely, some hosting the matches on large screens.


Tonight the fans will be awaiting the match against Ossidiacqua, a "Clash of titans" as dubbed by critics around the nation. "Kandorith does have a chance, but they need to be on their best. The draw against Milchama showed just what our team is made of and where they can improve possibly. I do not doubt the head coach is doing everything to improve this team. Again we will look forward to the match and hope Kandorith will indeed shine." According to sports critic Fihua Majin.


Striker and upcoming media hero in Kandorith was asked if he had commentary on the campaign so far. "I think we are doing quite well, although I just feel and know we can do better. We absolutely promise the fans to perform better. We are finding our stable ground now and feel more confident about the upcoming matches. The atmosphere in the training camp is amazing, lots of interaction and a good training schedule. Coach Xíanji is doing a good job keeping this team together, I hope we can perform as well as previous matches and then throw something extra on top of it." were the words of Méng.


The entire nation is looking forward for Kandorith to shine, and of course we will be reporting the match live on Xiāngzhōu Sports 1. Jiayoú Kanduó!

[Wight]

.

[Antoletia]

"Well we got an away point in Apox."

"That's great."

"
Yeah, and we could have had all three."

"We might actually find a way to finish second in this group after all."

"Where are we now?"

"Marred in the middle of the table, but we have already played the two higher seeds, and all the games are below us from here. They might not be easy wins for us, but still easier than the ones so far."

"Yeah, looking up. I still see it a long shot to get to the world cup, but now it seems less of an impossibility."

"Yeah, and with Hiarchratez on a tear we might have a chance."

"What about Stefan, the old man couldn't play whats that about."

"Well he is old, and old people have creaks and cracks and stuff. Needed a break i bet."

"Yeah, hope he's good for the next game. Can't have one of our best players out for a while."

"Yeah, that would kill us."

"Yep,"

[Audioslavia]

Sucker Punch had gone to Karditan for some 'networking', where networking meant 'finding people to do the dirty-work in his and Jeremy's booze-running operation. The quickened time of Calorborne meant that, for Jeremy, Sucker Punch was there and back within a day. Sucker Punch clopped onto the balcony of Jeremy's favorite bar, shaking his hooves free of the sand that had collected during his trot on the beach - the only way to get to the bar.
"Is it done?" asked Jeremy, eyes obscured by his sunglasses.
"Should be. We're looking at a team of four, plus your Audioslavian pitbull. Emanuel says 'good luck', by the way"
"Nice of him. You told him about our plan, then?"
"No. Well, I gave him the jist. He approves. Almost quite impressed. I didn't tell him about the full extent of the plan, not because I want to protect our interests, but merely because it would sound stupid"
"That's part of the beauty of it" said Jeremy, "its so wacky no jury in the world would believe us. Anyway. Who's the gang?"
"Main guy is called Keysroke. Woudn't give me another name. He's a pony, Karditani, he's going to be the brains of the operation, reporting to us. We got two of the other guys though him. One is a human, name of Clyde, he'll be in Audioslavia collecting those rodents of yours. He'll be mounted on the back of his 'steed', Boxer, another Karditani 'pony', big, not too clever, but he'll be the one who sorts out some 'problems'. You hold up your end of the bargain?" asked Punch, referring to Jeremy's job of contacting 'Ted'.
"'Ted' has cobbled together some other thugs, a couple of them are Kjeligstedi, or based in Kjeligsted at least, so they'll be overseeing 'operations'. He's found a guy called Jon, too, who says he can help out with distribution. Be some time before we get to that stage, of course. I've got a brewer as well. Guy is a retired brewer I used to know in Ceilerden. Nicknamed 'Shifty', which should cover his personality. Actual name for the guy is 'Guy', which is helpful. He should be on his way to Kjeligsted now, using the money we gave him to set up a 'farm'. Just a few cows, for appearance sake, not much else. No pigs of course. They're a bit funny about pigs in Kjeligsted. No bacon, no pork etc That should cover it. Soon enough we'll have to meet everyone and properly sort out the payroll and the like. Might be worth spending a few months in Kjeligsted..."
"Yes" said Punch. The looks on the faces of both suggested neither particularly wanted to leave Calorborne again, especially for a hell-hole like Kjeligsted, but if they were going to make a profit out of this, and live out their retirement in absolute luxury (rather than simply 'comfortable, relative luxury'), then it was something they'd have to do.
"Well then" said Jeremy, "we let the 'staff' take care of the 'arrangements' and then, after a few days of our time, we set off to Kjeligsted"

---

Rubio Sanchez had left for Kjeligsted almost immediately after Audioslavia failed to beat a very ordinary Soviet Canuckistan side, not wanting to bear the full brunt of an evening of Sue's annoyed post-game rants, especially after the match had coincided with a delicate period of the lunar cycle for her. He'd rung ahead, spoken to a very cautious Alvaro Mozo, had tried to sound friendly over the phone, succeeded, and touched down in Kjeligsted on the monday morning, pen, paper and touchpad in pocket, and an address for a small hotel called the Weelderig where the FFA now prefered to hold its media conferences and host visiting teams.
"What happened to the old hotel?" was Rubio's first question upon meeting Alvaro, or 'Mozi' as he apparently liked to be called. Mozi had said that he really didn't know, but it involved fire, and lots of it. The idea of an insurance or arson job had been mooted.
"And this place benefited?" asked Rubio, as the pair approached a table near the small bar, a surprising, almost redundant feature of a hotel in a nation that didn't allow alcohol. Alvaro seemed to pause slightly as he took to his seat. It was, perhaps, a bit of a cheeky question, implying that the owner of the Weelderig might have had something to do with the old hotel - called the Old Royal if Rubio remembered correctly. Alvaro, of course, wouldn't have any reason to feel anxious about that question, of course, unless he'd had some interest in the success of the Weelderig. Highly unlikely. The guy was from the Ciele, an island in the small nook of sea between Cathair and Ceilerden. Rubio had met a few of these Ciele types. They tended to speak an odd language, some bizarre cross between Anglish (with a thick Ceilerden accent) and Hispanic that changed drastically depending on the speaker. The language tended to be Hispanic with a few Anglish words, or Anglish with a few Hispanic words, depending on the speaker. It was a mess, but it was what made the Ceilish Ceilish. Alvaro, thankfully, was quite well spoken, but Rubio was a little perturbed to find that the barman, who approached the table asking for a drink order, had a rather thick Ceilish accent himself.
"Dranks?"
Alvaro ordered a coke. Rubio ordered a tonic water, deciding he'd merely imagine the gin that should have been inside.
"Know him?" asked Rubio, after a bout of smalltalk and after the barman had left. Alvaro gave him a rueful smile.
"Baby brother. Naturally I had to burn down that other hotel to make sure he stays in work". Rubio smiled. Alvaro had expertly slain the elephant before it'd even gotten into the room.
"Aye, I'm not the type to persue coincidences, no worries. Your secret's safe with me"
The two shared a smile. Rubio decided he'd probably grow to like the young assistant manager, but decided on trying to build another bridge instead. He started on the concept of a young, hispanic professional being thrown in at the deep end in a football job, and the similar story with Rubio and his summoning to cover World Cup 58. That was a while ago now. Rubio, now in his mid forties, had risen up the order to become sports editor at the now-rather-successful Cathair Herald, even getting TV work now and again. Alvaro opened up, the two began chatting. Rubio almost forgot that he was here for a story, until the familiar sound of a ringing phone - something ubiquitous with the hustle and bustle of a newspaper office - brought him back into his job.
"So, Alvaro, how many more poor results would it take before you felt your position under threat"

---

"Hello, Weelderig Hotel bar?"
"s'at Jon?"
"Aye, who's speakin'?"
"s'Ted"
"Ted?"
"Ted. Farm partner"
"Farm partn... oh.. oh... jesus wha' you callin' me at work fae?"
"Shilly Pub. Midnight. Be there, or its your legs"
"Whit? I'm workin' til half eleven, cannae get out til"
"S'yourlegs then"
*click*

[Kalumba]

Sulking in a pile of posters was Blessing Tsunga, for the UANC was in crisis. They trailed the KUM by eleven points in the most recent polls all thanks to that stunt with the flags. The whole stadium was filled with the colours of the old flag, that symbol of racist oppression yet there stood his countrymen waving it with pride. And the team were wearing their new home kit, which the KUM dominated Sports Ministry had approved and was in green, white and blue as well.

If the election was to won by the UANC then they needed to come up with a new strategy. The people no longer cared about the economy, and even the ongoing conflict in Bechuaneland had taken second place to football. The worst thing was the average football fan would be a solid UANC voter, the working class was their base, and now they waved the flag of their enemies. They needed to win them back, and soon or Omeru would be history.

As he though of solutions Blessing was glad he was not Omeru's Campaign Manager. He could not think of a way to recreate the KUM flag plan without being accussed of copying them, and how would they get the fans to wave a flag of red, black and blue? He grabbed a copy of the days paper and looked for the football result, hopefully he could find some joy there.

The Herald
Report by Bruce Mtwetwe

Kalumba put three passed unknown Lahoa, and move second in the group. In a rain affected match the Kudus managed to produce enough of a performance to beat a poor Lahoan side at their home ground. However the match will probably be better remembered for the number of poor misses and wasted chances by the team. Both Roberts and Abouto could have scored hatricks but ended with nothing and many other players were entirely anonymous throughout.

The game began in almost monsoon level rain and the issues caused by this were evident from the kick off, which had to be retaken twice before the referee was satisfied that the ball had moved forwards through the thick mud. Many commentators believed that the game should have been abandoned but the referee was satisfied that play could go ahead and while not a great performance Kalumba can't be proud of they will be satisfied with the result.

With ten minutes it played even our usually raucous fans were silenced by the deluge and the play reflected the depressing atmosphere. Lahoa dominated possesion but rarely left the safety of their own half and didn't create a single chance. As the game went on Kalumba gradually began to assert their dominance and were soon dominating the ball and Abouto sent a shot narrowly wide,

But it was a goal in fitting with the character of the game which broke the deadlock. A Lahoan backpass found itself stuck in the mud between the keeper and defence, Davis nipped in and finished calmly passed the rooted goalkeeper. The keeper remonstrated with his defenders although he was as much as fault as they were, but really the complaints should be laid at the door of the weather.

This goal brought some energy into the game but it soon descended back into the poor performance that was exhibited before hand, with Lahoa defending doggedly but failing to create anything that would materialise into a threat to Ottbourne's goal. This pattern continued until half-time as Kalumba appeared to be resting on their laurels. This did not continue after halftime, probably due to the effusive words of George Davies who was as red as a lobster with anger as Kalumba failed to take advantage of their superiority.

Too often Kalumba had started brightly and finished softly throwing away games which they could have won. And this was no different as the weather and negative Lahoan tactics contributed to a game that appeared to be on it's way to finishing as a damp squib, and while Kalumba did race out of the blocks and press strongly for the opening five minutes they were soon tired by the heaviness of the pitch and the game once more became a boredom filled slog.

But that exciting talent which is Ollie Roberts finally produced a moment of magic, the only one of the game, to give Kalumba a second goal. Cutting inside from the left of midfield Roberts beat two defenders and then as the keeper advanced a deft flick put the ball over his head but it stuck in the mud. Thankfully the keeper had commited fully to his attempted save Roberts chip and was lying in the mud allowing Cheeter to dart in to tap it home, amusingly with his head as a school child would do.

This act of nonchalence brought the game briefly to life and Kalumba capitalised to score a third goal with Davis heading in from a corner after Cheeter saw a shot saved well by the Lahoan goalkeeper. Sadly this was the final act of a poor game and Kalumba went home with three points in the bag and second place theirs. It is unlikely to last as harder games lie ahead but it will give the team some confidence and hopefull give us the chance to create an upset or two against the big boys.