SteuerLig-99
Part 4/4: The Sun Always Shines On The Victorious
The green shoots of spring bring an early guarantee of sunshine to the parks and fields of the Isle of Taxhavn, and in these perfect conditions the SteuerLig draws to a close with all to play for. The sharp end of the season is bathed in a welcome glow - unless your team is relegated, in which case it's a whole year to forget.
No feature articles in this final review; we'll get down to brass tacks and the closing rounds of the season right after a few words from our favourite anger management football podcast.
TL;NGR
• Yes! Septentriennes
• Yes! Deltic FC
• Yes! ASMV St. Bernadine
• Yes! Standard Lily
• Yes, Yes, Yes! Kierhuizen Boys, Old Shakerssens and Orchideeën
• Oh No! BSSC Driessche, Zotteeik and OSA-Cyclista
• Some other useful stuff, maybe
In Others Words
The Anger Mismanagement Podcast
Cheeky chappy former Boldsea FC head coach and resident Solitary Soccer League observational comic Mosey Ackanard goes head-to-head with Septentriennes' Gnejsian superstriker and football philosopher Georg Bardo in the most-listened to double-act of the season.
«It’s the most tragic thing. The time put in. The preparation, the dedication. The love. Only for your dough not to rise.»
- Georg Bardo, the title-winning marksman and ex-pat resident of St. Bernadine City, co-owner of Dandelion Town FC and all-round absurdist thinker grapples with news of his latest injury. Or is it the profound sadness in failing at sourdough baking, or maybe a tricky time at home in the bedroom where Mrs. Bardo is looking for more grit, more technique, and some better finishing? With Georg, you can never be quite sure.
'It's not the size of the rock terrier in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the rock terrier.'
- Mosey Ackanard, the Spittalninny Bonesman (that is to say, Man of Spittals, the cutlural heart and capital of Bonesea) with the wit and the wisdom to match his football heritage reassures his mic-mate that whatever he thinks Mrs Bardo needs, it's not that.
Match of the Round: 31
Tijhuis Archimedes 4–2 Septentriennes
The Bankers have four shots at the title, needing one win to confirm their two-in-a-row, but fluff the first one after being solidly outplayed at the mighty Tijhuis Arena, the biggest stadium in the league. Goals from Aenbo Aogo and young strike talent Joran Skipper put the Owls up inside 20 minutes, and while Luis Glücki pulled one back, Reggy van Buiten restored the two goal advantage just before half-time. He completed a brace midway through the second half to secure a handsome win for IFCF-chasing Archimedes, with Glücki also scoring a second for a consolation goal in injury time. Kierhuizen Boys edge a little closer to the Bankers with a home win over Sturm Havn, but Old Shakerssens' draw at home to Boldsea FC means they are now officially out of the title race. OSA's miserable defeat at home to HPV means relegation is all but confirmed for them, needing a 22-goal swing from three wins to overtake Sturm Havn, who just need a point themselves to put them down.
Round-31
Tijhuis Archimedes 4–2 Septentriennes
Deltic FC 6–5 De Tike FC
OSA-Cyclista 1–3 HPV Waallen
Zotteeik 4–3 FC Städeli
ASMV St. Bernadine 1–3 Standard Lily
St. Bernadine Football Team 3–4 Napoleon St. Bernadine
Orchideeën 5–3 BSSC Driessche
Kierhuizen Boys 2–0 Sturm Havn
Old Shakerssens 2–2 Boldsea FC
Top of the table Pld W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 Septentriennes 31 21 4 6 98 66 +32 0.742 0.677 67
2 Kierhuizen Boys 31 18 6 7 76 48 +28 0.677 0.581 60
3 Old Shakerssens 31 16 9 6 92 53 +39 0.661 0.516 57
4 Orchideeën 31 15 9 7 99 73 +26 0.629 0.484 54
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5 Boldsea FC 31 14 9 8 79 60 +19 0.597 0.452 51
6 HPV Waallen 31 14 7 10 64 58 +6 0.565 0.452 49
7 Napoleon St. Bernadine 31 14 3 14 77 81 −4 0.500 0.452 45
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8 Tijhuis Archimedes 31 13 6 12 78 72 +6 0.516 0.419 45
9 De Tike FC 31 12 9 10 63 50 +13 0.532 0.387 45
Match of the Round: 32
Septentriennes 5–0 Old Shakerssens
The Bankers win the title in rousing fashion at the Sept-Nat Stadion against title rivals Old Shakerssens, who lost Christiaan van der Riet to a straight red card in the 18th minute for a professional foul preventing a goal-scoring opportunity, hauling down Tristian Featherstone after being turned. From there the Shakers had their backs to the wall for the whole game as Septentriennes made their advantage count, raising a glorious second title in two seasons at the end of the game to a packed and celebrating stadium. Despite their dominance they couldn't open the scoring until just before half time, Discoan rightback Facundo Grosso with a fine shot putting the champions-elect ahead. The second half was a different story as the Shakers folded, Luis Glücki, Tristian Featherstone, Ottaviano Falco and Rollo Heron peppering the scoresheet for a memorable win to take the title. Elsewhere, the good news for the Shakers was Boldsea failing to beat Kierhuizen Boys, meaning they are now qualified again for the Champions League, as are the Boys who need one more win to secure an impressive runners-up spot. HPV might still sneak in ahead of Orchideeën with a two point margin to make up and the Nurserymen wobbling with defeat at Sturm Havn. At the bottom both OSA and BSSC are relegated after defeats, while Zotteeik also look doomed now after that surprise Cyclones win over Orchideeën.
Round-32
Septentriennes 5–0 Old Shakerssens
Boldsea FC 3–3 Kierhuizen Boys
Sturm Havn 3–2 Orchideeën
BSSC Driessche 1–3 St. Bernadine Football Team
Napoleon St. Bernadine 1–2 ASMV St. Bernadine
Standard Lily 1–0 Zotteeik
FC Städeli 3–1 OSA-Cyclista
HPV Waallen 2–0 Deltic FC
De Tike FC 3–4 Tijhuis Archimedes
Top of the table Pld W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 Septentriennes 32 22 4 6 103 66 +37 0.750 0.688 70
2 Kierhuizen Boys 32 18 7 7 79 51 +28 0.672 0.563 61
3 Old Shakerssens 32 16 9 7 92 58 +34 0.641 0.500 57
4 Orchideeën 32 15 9 8 101 76 +25 0.609 0.469 54
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5 HPV Waallen 32 15 7 10 66 58 +8 0.578 0.469 52
6 Boldsea FC 32 14 10 8 82 63 +19 0.594 0.438 52
7 Tijhuis Archimedes 32 14 6 12 82 75 +7 0.531 0.438 48
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8 ASMV St. Bernadine 32 14 4 14 75 75 0 0.500 0.438 46
9 Standard Lily 32 12 10 10 69 63 +6 0.531 0.375 46
Match of the Round: 33
Orchideeën 5–2 Boldsea FC
An impressive win for the Nurserymen combined with HPV's defeat at Archimedes means the Champions League group are decided, with the only issue to settle being who gets third place. A second-half hatrick for Pasargan Tétény Csorba was the highlight of an entertaining game in which the Bonesmen, with a shot at Champions League placing themselves, took the lead in the 16th minute through Quebeçois striker Saito Maki. Arvid Hendriksen equalised for the home side just before the break and the teams went in closely matched, but the Vilitan coaching team of Sami Samiii and Reino Kononen reshuffled the magnets board and the Nurserymen came out to overwhelm Boldsea. Despite twenty minutes of pure dominance, the Bonesmen once again took the lead with a counter-attack, and former Orchideeën legend Jeroen Blenkers was there to put it away, declining to celebrate his goal against the club he left last season. Pretty soon he didn't have much to celebrate anyway. Player of the match Csorba's hatrick and a goal contribution from Valentin Fey saw off the challenge from the plucky visitors, and another season of Champions League football was secured. Wins for Standard Lily and promoted Napoleon St. Bernadine keep them well within range of the Challengers Cup places, and The Little Generals' big win at the Zottpark confirms relegation for Zotteeik.
Round-33
De Tike FC 3–3 Septentriennes
Tijhuis Archimedes 3–1 HPV Waallen
Deltic FC 0–1 FC Städeli
OSA-Cyclista 1–4 Standard Lily
Zotteeik 2–5 Napoleon St. Bernadine
ASMV St. Bernadine 2–2 BSSC Driessche
St. Bernadine Football Team 3–1 Sturm Havn
Orchideeën 5–2 Boldsea FC
Kierhuizen Boys 4–3 Old Shakerssens
Top of the table Pld W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 Septentriennes 33 22 5 6 106 69 +37 0.742 0.667 71
2 Kierhuizen Boys 33 19 7 7 83 54 +29 0.682 0.576 64
3 Orchideeën 33 16 9 8 106 78 +28 0.621 0.485 57
4 Old Shakerssens 33 16 9 8 95 62 +33 0.621 0.485 57
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5 HPV Waallen 33 15 7 11 67 61 +6 0.561 0.455 52
6 Boldsea FC 33 14 10 9 84 68 +16 0.576 0.424 52
7 Tijhuis Archimedes 33 15 6 12 85 76 +9 0.545 0.455 51
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8 Standard Lily 33 13 10 10 73 64 +9 0.545 0.394 49
9 Napoleon St. Bernadine 33 15 3 15 83 85 −2 0.500 0.455 48
Match of the Round: 34
Standard Lily 1–2 Deltic FC
FC Städeli 0–0 Tijhuis Archimedes
Standard's home defeat to Deltic FC brings their resurgence to an end on the final day of the season and condemns them to missing out on IFCF football again, when a win would have had the opposite effect and seen them into the Challengers Cup. Head coach Joseph Motuedi still has a none-too-shabby Confederations Cup final to save his job, an historic second win in a row would secure FFI football for the Pollen Counters and ease the troubles of disillusioned fans at the Havnstadion, who expect Champions League football every season - it's been a while since that happened. In a bizarre twist at the end of the season, with the opening up of the pay-off system and several teams taking advantage, it means newly promoted sides Napoleon and ASMV, after fantastic debut seasons in the top flight, will be competing in two sets of post-season play-offs - one for qualification to the FFI Confederations Trophy, and one to avoid relegation to the Soapy Lucre Lig-2. Napoleon finished eigth, for goodness sake...
Round-34
Septentriennes 4–4 Kierhuizen Boys
Old Shakerssens 4–2 Orchideeën
Boldsea FC 5–3 St. Bernadine Football Team
Sturm Havn 4–2 ASMV St. Bernadine
BSSC Driessche 2–2 Zotteeik
Napoleon St. Bernadine 5–4 OSA-Cyclista
Standard Lily 1–2 Deltic FC
FC Städeli 0–0 Tijhuis Archimedes
HPV Waallen 3–1 De Tike FC
SteuerLig-1 Final Standings
Bankers Rule
With Anaïs Aesher's Septentriennes winning the title for the second consecutive season and the same four Champions League qualifiers, the season had a familiar feel about it - only further down in the Challengers Cup zone do we see a completely new line up, with HPV Waallen and a revived Boldsea FC narrowly missing out on Champions League themselves, while Tijhuis Archimedes just pipped promoted side Napoleon St. Bernadine to the final IFCF place. For the Bankers there is a very real possibility of a first League and Cup double since FC Städeli won the inaugural TaxPokal - now the Nomarque Nothing™ Tax Cup - as they face the impressive Napoleon St. Bernadine in the semi-final.
For Septentriennes, they are now the outstanding side in Taxhavn after so many near misses in recent seasons, and have mostly had to do it the hard way without Georg Bardo, who has been troubled with persistent injuries as he approaches the twilight of his career. There doesn't seem to be much to worry about there - in young Tikario striker Tristian Featherstone, they have a fabulous replacement who has really stepped up to the mark this season as Georg's cover. In second place, Kierhuizen Boys' progress under the rated head coach Nanko Kijk in 't Veld has been impressive, improving on last season's fourth with a superb start that briefly had them favourites for the title. The Bankers chased them down and eventually won with breathing space, but if the Boys continue to improve at this rate, they will be serious contenders next season. Old Shakerssens and Orchideeën made up the Champions League places and while the Nurserymen will always be in the hunt for titles and will view fourth as a bit disappointing, for the Shakers it remains a frustration that have yet to win anything with big investment. Next season they return to their home ground, with the old Goods Yard Stadium replaced by the truly awe-inspiring Shakerdome, and they'll want to make that a fortress from which to conquer.
The promoted sides Napoleon and ASMV, rivals in their climb through the leagues from the regionals in recent seasons, did superbly well, with Napoleon just a point off IFCF qualification, while ASMV, with only the very faintest whiff of corruption, were hot on their heels for most of the season, and will enjopy an IFCF final of their own as they prepare for the Liga B Champions Trophy in Naktr. Separating these two newcomers are the league's official institution - eleven times champion Standard Lily. An abysmal start - their worst ever in the SteuerLig - really hobbled their chances of a ninth IFCF appearance in the last eleven seasons, but they recovered impressively to offer a promise for next season, while reaching a second consecutive FFI Confederations Trophy final, where they will defend their title against surprise package St. Bernadine Football Team (playing in that competition as Taxhavn City, for the last time). Standard will be strong favourites, given the Football Team's nightmarish season as the club with no name. How they would love to engrave 'Taxhavn City' on the FFI trophy as a two-fingered salute to all the haters... but it seems highly unlikely. There is still more to look forward to for the Triple-A fans: inbound is the kind of breath-taking investment that even Taxhavnite bankers can only dream of, according to reliable sources. It's going to be the story of the off-season, and all they had to do was avoid relegation - which was by no means guaranteed. That's why, in the end, they joined four other sides fearful of the drop in paying the billion-shilling bounty to stay in the division regardless of position.
For the disappointing Deltic FC it could be a bright end to a poor season as they transition away from the mighty but ageing team that won two league titles in a row themselves, a Challengers Cup and a Super Cup, and before that - yes - a World Cup and an Indies IAC title. They will take on Cup specialists De Tike FC, looking for a record fourth final appearance in nine after finishing well outside the IFCF spot that they managed to claim in a good season last time out. With all the pay-offs excusing certain teams from relegation worries, De Tik find themselves in both the FFI play-offs and the relegation play-offs along with Napoleon and ASMV.
And speaking of relegation - someone had to go down. In the end poor Zotteeik could not avoid that second-season syndrome and they go down with a poor BSSC Driessche and an abysmal OSA-Cyclista, the team that often claims to be too big to go down, and usually does. Same same for season 99.
Solitary Soccer League Pld W D L GF GA GD Win % Win % Pts
1 Septentriennes 34 22 6 6 110 73 +37 0.735 0.647 72 IFCF Champions League; FFI League of Victors
2 Kierhuizen Boys 34 19 8 7 87 58 +29 0.676 0.559 65 IFCF Champions League; FFI League of Victors
3 Old Shakerssens 34 17 9 8 99 64 +35 0.632 0.500 60 IFCF Champions League
4 Orchideeën 34 16 9 9 108 82 +26 0.603 0.471 57 IFCF Champions League
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5 HPV Waallen 34 16 7 11 70 62 +8 0.574 0.471 55 IFCF Challenger's Cup
6 Boldsea FC 34 15 10 9 89 71 +18 0.588 0.441 55 IFCF Challenger's Cup
7 Tijhuis Archimedes 34 15 7 12 85 76 +9 0.544 0.441 52 * IFCF Challenger's Cup
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8 Napoleon St. Bernadine 34 16 3 15 88 89 −1 0.515 0.471 51 FFI Confederations Trophy Play-off; Relegation Play-Off
9 Standard Lily 34 13 10 11 74 66 +8 0.529 0.382 49 * FFI Confederations Trophy (as holder)
10 ASMV St. Bernadine 34 14 5 15 79 81 −2 0.485 0.412 47 FFI Confederations Trophy Qualifier; Relegation Play-Off
11 De Tike FC 34 12 10 12 70 60 +10 0.500 0.353 46 FFI Confederations Trophy Play-off; Relegation Play-Off
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12 FC Städeli 34 13 5 16 61 62 −1 0.456 0.382 44 * FFI Confederations Trophy Play-off
13 St. Bernadine Football Team 34 12 5 17 82 90 −8 0.426 0.353 41 *
14 Deltic FC 34 12 5 17 70 71 −1 0.426 0.353 41 * IFCF Cup Winners Cup
15 Sturm Havn 34 11 5 18 71 87 −16 0.397 0.324 38 Relegation Play-Off
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16 Zotteeik 34 8 8 18 56 91 −35 0.353 0.235 32 Relegated
17 BSSC Driessche 34 7 7 20 55 117 −62 0.309 0.206 28 Relegated
18 OSA-Cyclista 34 6 5 23 54 108 −54 0.250 0.176 23 Relegated
* Pay-off deposits submitted
The Confederations Trophy Play-Offs post-season drama is organised to offer the highest four teams who have failed to qualify for IFCF competitions a last chance to compete for the single place in the FFI tournament. Incredibly, with the chaos of the relegation play-off system and the relegation pay-off system colliding, it does mean that three of the four teams playing for a place in the Confederations Trophy will also be playing to stay in the division, while FC Städeli, who finished lowest of all four Confed candidates and the only one inside the relegation play-off zone, don't have to play in the relegation games. Surely changes will be made to prevent this chaos next season?
With Standard Lily [spoiler alert] retaining the Confederations Trophy title with a famous win over the team that was Taxhavn City and St. Bernadine Football Club this season (and something else next season), FC Städeli in 12th place take up the spare birth and inch past Napoleon to meet rising stars ASMV in the final, themselves fresh off the back of winning the first Liga-B Champions Trophy for the island. It felt a bit old gen vs. new gen. and it's the upstarts that win, to earn themselves a place in the Confed next season alongside Standard, who will be hoping for a historic three-in-a-row.
Confederations Trophy Play-Offs
Napoleon St. Bernadine 0-0 FC Städeli (1–1 AET) (2–4 pen.)
ASMV St. Bernadine 5–3 De Tike FC
Confederations Trophy Play-Off Final
at The Lithico™, SoccerLand, St. Bernadine
FC Städeli 2-3 ASMV St. Bernadine
Yes, FA-Tax has confirmed in between the Confederation Trophy play-off match between ASMV St. Bernadine and De Tike FC, and the relegation play-off match between ASMV St. Bernadine and De Tike FC, that changes will be made to prevent this chaos next season. Although, said SteuerLig Commissioner Mert de Reeckonaere, it is kind of fun, isn't it?
Anyway.
ASMV prevail again against the Clockwork Orange & Blue to eliminate their relegation worries, while Sturm Havn perhaps surprise Napoleon to also see themselves out of the trapdoor show; it seems remarkable that The Little Generals (8th) and De Tike FC (11th) should be worrying about relegation but that is FA-Tax for you, and it's Napoleon who go down in extra time. They meet Helvétique Rangers in the loser loses all finale and fortunately for everyone - except Rangers - prove they really are too good to go down with a nervy 2-0 win at the Athletic Ground.
Relegation Play-Offs
Napoleon St. Bernadine 0-1 Sturm Havn
ASMV St. Bernadine 1-1 De Tike FC (1–1 AET) (4–2 pen.)
Promotion Play-Offs
Benson Foxes 0-1 Helvétique Rangers
Löwen Bessendorf 4-1 Raven Thöni
Relegation Semi-Final
at Bezirkerstadion, Thöni
Napoleon St. Bernadine 2-2 De Tike FC (2–3 AET)
Promotion Semi-Final
at Plantation Field, Maartenstadt
Helvétique Rangers 5-3 Löwen Bessendorf
Solitary Soccer League Play-In Final
at The Athletic Ground, St. Bernadine
Napoleon St. Bernadine 2-0 Helvétique Rangers
The Domestic Cup Conclusion
Fighting for a place in the Cup Winners Cup
It will be The Exiles against The Little Generals at the Lithico™ for the ninth Tax Cup final, with the headlines that Napoleon St. Bernadine trashed Septentriennes dream of a league and cup double with a seriously impressive demolition of the returning champions at the Oranjestadt Arena. De Tike, looking to make history themselves, will not make a fourth appearance in the cup this time around after being narrrowly defeated by Deltic, who can sniff another trophy potentially coming their way to add to perhaps the most impressive diversity of silverware of any club side in the multiverse.
Semi-final results
De Tike FC 0-1 Deltic FC
at The Athletic Ground, St. Bernadine
Septentriennes 1-4 Napoleon St. Bernadine
at The Oranjestadt Arena, Tijhuis
The Nomarque Nothing™ Tax Cup Final
Napoleon St. Bernadine 1–3 Deltic FC
at The Lithico™, SoccerLand, St. Bernadine
Uxio Mazatl 58' | Irki Mynster 5' Jonas Hahnemann (OG) 77' Alfie Alderskell 90+4'
It has been an uncomfortable season for the former World Champions, for whom only the Tasher brothers, midfielders Burus and Onun, and striker Irki Mynster remain of the glorious World Cup win over Tumbra. Transitioning to a new, youthful squad hit hard this season as they struggled for consistency and cohesion, and sweated over a potential relegation; the only bright spot the run to the Cup final with home wins over ASMV and Boldsea before the narrow victory over De Tike FC in the semi. But sensing more glory, the old Deltic panache was on show as they out-passed, out-fought and out-thought a team very much on the rise to add the Tax Cup to their magnificent trophy case back home at The Romainring. It was that man Irki Mynster who opened the scoring after just five minutes, combining sweetly with winger Alfie Alderskell to break through the unwary Napoleon back line to slot past Lenny Skjeggestad for an early lead. Despite dominating the rest of the half, the Exiles could not extend their lead and looked like they may have paid the price when Tequiloan attacking midfielder Uxio Mazatl scored a superb solo goal just before the hour mark to bring Napoleon level. But the Delts were not to be denied. Keeping cool heads, they continued to pressure Napoleon with their modern adaptation of the stoicpress and eventually it paid dividends when an Onun Tasher shot took a wicked deflection off Chromatik fullback Jonas Hahnemann to leave Skjeggestad flat-footed, and the lead was restored with fifteen minutes to go. Napoleon looked for a way back but rarely troubled Felix Morgan in the Deltic goal, and it was Alfie Alderskell who finished Napoleon off in time added on, set up by Irki Mynster to secure the trophy for Seamus Awton's side. A happy way to end an unhappy season, and the Exiles will be in the interregionals after all next season as Taxhavn's Cup Winners Cup entrants. It is not a competition the SteuerLig has represented very well in since entries began, but if there is one club that knows how to take on the world in a cup competition, it is Deltic FC.
Player of the match: Alfie Alderskell (Deltic FC)
The 25th IFCF Liga-B Champions Trophy Final
Nordhammer City Stadium, Nordhammer, Natkr (cap. 56,000)
ASMV St. Bernadine 1-0 Kynxe
Scorers: Nan Smit 81'
A late winner from new national team attacking midfielder Nan Smit was the difference in this tight game in Nordhammer as The Dragons announced themselves on the interregional stage with a first victory for a Taxhavn team in this competition, breaking Chromatik hearts as the most infamous chokers in IFCF finals. There was never a stage where either team could claim outright dominance, as the game pivoted one way and then the other without ever really catching fire - it was a fairly dull watch between two teams more afraid of losing than of looking for a victory, and it had extra time and penalties written all over it for most of the game. But then Smit picked the ball up midway into the Chromatik half with a neat interception from Quentin Vale, wriggled past one defender and fairly bowled over the second before placing a precise and title-winning shot into the top corner to seal a famous win for ASMV. In a game of very few clearcut chances, Dragons striker Henry Lightman failed to light up the game on the biggest platform despite a solid season back at the top of his game, and he might be disappointed with that showing despite coming away with a winners medal, while his strike partner Asbjorn Kristófferson, a Chromatik up against his countrymen for the third time since leaving his home nation - having played and scored twice in the round of sixteen victory over Flames of The West - had the best chance of the game before the goal, hitting the crossbar with a header from a corner.
The rise and rise of ASMV continues, as they prove you don't need domestic refereeing favouritism to secure titles... did I just say that? I'm sure their league progress has all been above board, and now they have an interregional title to show for it. There will be more interregional football next year with a place in the Confederations Trophy, and ASMV will surely push on as they look to get in amongst the Champions League and Challengers Cup places next season - with or without the referees.
Player of the match: Nan Smit (ASMV St. Bernadine)
The 24th Confederations Trophy Final
Exceptional Standard
Standard Lily 2-0 Taxhavn City
Scorers: Dany Van De Velde 11' Hadrian Cross 90+3'
The Isle of Taxhavn enjoyed a second interregional final of the season and tuned in to this one knowing they could already celebrate a winner - for the second time in history, following that famous Challengers Cup final a few seasons back between Deltic FC and Septentriennes, the SteuerLig had both skins in the game with Standard Lily taking on the unlikely finalists with no name from St. Bernadine, under the temporary moniker of Taxhavn City as a special dispensation for the Confederations Trophy. The Triple-A, to use their equally temorary nickname, have enjoyed a late-season surge to the interregional final after a forgettable domestic season as 'St. Bernadine Football Team' and are expecting a serious uplift with new owners next season - but they were never in the game here against Indussian head coach Joseph Motuedi's Confed-hardened vets who dominated from start to finish to successfully defend their title with another historic cup win. Incredibly this club was famously denied a win in this trophy final several years ago when the FFI competitions were organised by some potato farmers from the back country. The Pollen Counters had won the title before an announcement twenty four hours later that due to an administration cock-up in an earlier round, several results were rendered invalid - including Standard's cup win. It was a desperate time for the new entrants to interregional football, and yet here they are now as two-in-a-row champions and hoping for an historic three-peat next season. Goals from wingers Dany Van De Velde and Hadrian Cross secured the result, but the two-goal winning margin was perhaps flattering to the club with no name, as Standard dominated from start to finish. Their superstar captain and IAC winner Laurent Lapix can celebrate a magnificent season personally as he came away with a winners medal and the player of the match ball. A disappointing league campaign for the team, which ended strongly after an abysmal start, will be forgotten as Pollen fans celebrate yet another trophy for the SteuerLig's most successful club. They'll be expecting more in the league next season and with Motuedi at the helm and Lapix running the show on the field - why not?
Player of the match: Laurent Lapix [RCN] (Standard Lily)
UnderLigen
The Second, Third and Fourth Tiers
Weeds celebrate consecutive title promotions
The Weeds complete a glorious late run in the second tier with the title and automatic promotion; giving Georg Bardo two medals for championships in the top two divisions as player at Septentriennes and joint-owner at Dandelion Town FC. Motor Waallen are surprise runners up while the famous Raven Thöni are consigned to a third season in the second tier after a play-off thrashing by Löwen Bessendorf. That must be the end of the line for their head coach Jovin Strähl. None of last season's three relegated teams - Academical, St. Gight's and Fortuna - even make the play-offs, proving how tough this division has become; while the team many tipped for an outside bet at promotion, McCunnald, drop to the third tier with recent Lig-1 side and footballing aristocracy Schwänenclub.
Soapy Lucre Lig-2 Pld W D L GF GA GD Win % Win % Pts
1 Dandelion Town FC 34 18 9 7 65 40 +25 0.662 0.529 63 Promoted; IFCF Liga B Champions Trophy
2 Motor Waallen 34 16 9 9 82 54 +28 0.603 0.471 57 Promoted; IFCF Liga B Champions Trophy
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3 Helvétique Rangers 34 16 9 9 81 51 +30 0.603 0.471 57 Promotion Play-Offs; IFCF Liga B Champions Trophy
4 Benson Foxes 34 15 10 9 71 61 +10 0.588 0.441 55 Promotion Play-Offs
5 Löwen Bessendorf 34 16 6 12 76 60 +16 0.559 0.471 54 Promotion Play-Offs
6 Raven Thöni 34 16 6 12 69 62 +7 0.559 0.471 54 Promotion Play-Offs
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7 1860 Delénacht 34 14 10 10 68 77 −9 0.559 0.412 52
8 St. Bernadine Academical 34 14 9 11 72 66 +6 0.544 0.412 51
9 St. Gight's Albion 34 12 13 9 72 58 +14 0.544 0.353 49
10 Fortuna Städeli 34 12 10 12 75 63 +12 0.500 0.353 46
11 HKB Merzberg 34 13 6 15 59 75 −16 0.471 0.382 45
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12 Watling Street Ramblers 34 12 9 13 67 67 0 0.485 0.353 45 Relegation Play-Off
13 Urban Irminger 34 10 11 13 65 71 −6 0.456 0.294 41 Relegation Play-Off
14 FZK-Amstell 34 10 10 14 55 82 −27 0.441 0.294 40 Relegation Play-Off
15 Five Star St. Bernadine 34 10 7 17 75 86 −11 0.397 0.294 37 Relegation Play-Off
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16 McCunnald FC 34 8 9 17 75 89 −14 0.368 0.235 33 Relegated
17 Schwänenclub 34 8 7 19 47 82 −35 0.338 0.235 31 Relegated
18 VF Nibelungengraf 34 8 6 20 61 91 −30 0.324 0.235 30 Relegated
Lig-2 Relegation Play-Offs
Watling Street Ramblers 3-1 Five Star St. Bernadine
Urban Irminger 5-2 FZK-Amstell
Five Star St. Bernadine 1-1 FZK-Amstell (2–1 AET)
Lig-3 Promotion Play-Offs
Rankfelden Cardinals 2-3 Immenmold
Rot-Westenweiler 4-2 Rotor Küsneuve
Immenmold 1-0 Rot-Westenweiler
Soapy Lucre Lig-2 Play-In Final
at The Städeli Arena, Städeli
FZK-Amstell 2-1 Immenmold
In the third tier, VF Romainring, alive with the talk of a breakaway from their affiliateship with Deltic FC, return to Lig-2 at the first time of asking with a narrow title victory over Boilinghouse Nettle. Rankfelden Cardinals, leading the division for so long, fall away disastrously at the end and don't make the Lig-2 play-in final, and they along with fellow play-off failures Rotor Küsneuve will face another season in Lig-3.
Molineux Goats Cheese Lig-3 Pld W D L GF GA GD Win % Win % Pts
1 VF Romainring 34 21 5 8 89 59 +30 0.691 0.618 68 Promoted
2 Boilinghouse Nettle 34 18 12 4 99 52 +47 0.706 0.529 66 Promoted
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3 Immenmold 34 18 8 8 86 66 +20 0.647 0.529 62 Promotion Play-Offs
4 Rankfelden Cardinals 34 17 11 6 71 51 +20 0.662 0.500 62 Promotion Play-Offs
5 Axis Driessche 34 16 13 5 89 67 +22 0.662 0.471 61 * Unable to contend promotion
6 Rot-Westenweiler 34 17 9 8 72 52 +20 0.632 0.500 60 Promotion Play-Offs
7 Rotor Küsneuve 34 15 12 7 77 63 +14 0.618 0.441 57 Promotion Play-Offs
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8 FFC Mesocyclone 34 16 6 12 73 63 +10 0.559 0.471 54
9 VF Merzberg 34 15 4 15 80 78 +2 0.500 0.441 49
10 Olimpia Oranjestadt 34 12 11 11 64 61 +3 0.515 0.353 47
11 Stadler Works 34 11 10 13 68 81 −13 0.471 0.324 43
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12 Scarab St. Bernadine 34 11 7 16 71 77 −6 0.426 0.324 40 Relegation Play-Off
13 Tulip Maartenstadt 34 8 15 11 54 70 −16 0.456 0.235 39 Relegation Play-Off
14 Roterlicht Knokschäft 34 9 7 18 65 78 −13 0.368 0.265 34 Relegation Play-Off
15 AZ Exloërveen 34 8 9 17 57 78 −21 0.368 0.235 33 Relegation Play-Off
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16 Achilles Portugaal 34 7 4 23 54 90 −36 0.265 0.206 25 Relegated
17 Orping-Tinkers 34 5 6 23 44 87 −43 0.235 0.147 21 Relegated
18 Energia Niekerk 34 4 7 23 58 98 −40 0.221 0.118 19 Relegated
Lig-3 Relegation Play-Offs
Scarab St. Bernadine 6-2 AZ Exloërveen
Tulip Maartenstadt 2-0 Roterlicht Knokschäft
AZ Exloërveen 2-2 Roterlicht Knokschäft (3–3 AET) (5–3 pen.)
Lig-4 Promotion Play-Offs
AZ-Tjaart 54 4-0 Esterden Reds
Súlan Gannet 3-2 Mount Shilling Casuals
AZ-Tjaart 54 5–2 Súlan Gannet
Molineux Goats Cheese Lig-3 Play-In Final
at The Havnstadion, Havn
Roterlicht Knokschäft 3-2 AZ-Tjaart 54
In the brand new basement division, favourites Hibernien are pipped at the post by Apollo for the title but still win promotion, while AZ-Tjaart 54 impress everyone with their recovery to reach the play-offs, and must wonder what could have been if they had not had such a disastrous start. Mount Shilling Casuals were hoping to close the gap on deadly gentlemanly rivals Watling Street Ramblers with a promotion but it wasn't to be in the end, as they drop out in post-season. Two teams lose their places in the league as The Wight Rovers franchise shuffles everyone down a bit, and they'll be replaced by controvesial energy drinks-sponsored Supersaurus! - the only team in the Taxhavn pyramid system to have an exclamation mark in their name, and surely the butt of many jokes to come both in the SteuerLig and this magazine.
Trumpanzee Garbage Lig-4 Pld W D L GF GA GD Win % Win % Pts
1 St. Bernadine Apollo 34 20 6 8 94 55 +39 0.676 0.588 66 Promoted
2 Hibernien 34 19 8 7 81 60 +21 0.676 0.559 65 Promoted
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3 Esterden Reds 34 16 11 7 76 66 +10 0.632 0.471 59 Promotion Play-Offs
4 AZ-Tjaart 54 34 17 7 10 94 62 +32 0.603 0.500 58 Promotion Play-Offs
5 Súlan Gannet 34 17 7 10 86 63 +23 0.603 0.500 58 Promotion Play-Offs
6 Mount Shilling Casuals 34 16 9 9 70 60 +10 0.603 0.471 57 Promotion Play-Offs
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7 Torpedo Tijhuis 34 14 13 7 77 63 +14 0.603 0.412 55
8 St. Bernadine Astronomical 34 15 9 10 92 78 +14 0.574 0.441 54
9 Nova Tijhuis 34 14 6 14 62 75 −13 0.500 0.412 48
10 Trojan Portugaal 34 12 7 15 73 77 −4 0.456 0.353 43
11 Meteor Maartenstadt 34 12 7 15 61 71 −10 0.456 0.353 43
12 Lada Tijhuis 34 11 10 13 86 78 +8 0.471 0.324 43
13 Lokomotiv Devengein 34 11 8 15 66 74 −8 0.441 0.324 41
14 Wijnward Olympia 34 10 10 14 68 84 −16 0.441 0.294 40
15 Schwarz-Weiss Thöni 34 10 8 16 56 78 −22 0.412 0.294 38
16 Social Städeli 34 7 7 20 66 94 −28 0.309 0.206 28
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17 Völker Merzberg 34 7 6 21 47 85 −38 0.294 0.206 27 Relegation Play-Off; Relegated
18 Ravenser Odd 34 3 11 20 65 97 −32 0.250 0.088 20 Relegated
Lig-4 Play-Ins
Vigar St. Stephen 2-2 BVB Supersaurus! (3–3 AET) (2–3 pen.)
Völker Merzberg 1-1 SVV Exmorrazijl (2–1 AET)
Trumpanzee Garbage Lig-4 Play-In Final
at Curlew Park, SoccerLand, St. Bernadine
BVB Supersaurus! 2–0 Völker Merzberg
Sack Race
Manager Ins & Outs
Seven and out for Nelo
Nelo Holzer, in charge at the sinking ship of OSA, is sacked after 1-7 home defeat by Septentriennes to put him out of his misery and the once highly-rated coach will probably have to look lower down the leagues now to repair his damaged reputation. No doubt a project club will be in for him soon enough and the word on the street is that the next 'project club' is Torpedo Tijhuis, a small club that recently inherited a ₸x100m shilling fortune as the unexpected winner of the Spijkerhuis Prize for last unbeaten team in the league. The Trumpanzee Garbage Lig-4 team have said the fortune will be reinvested in the playing and coaching squad to bring the team up the leagues in the manner of Napoleon and ASMV. Meanwhile Davey Tinnalt and his assistant Delver Angersson are heading home to the Valley of the River Delte; the former coaches of the troubled team with no name, or Taxhavn City, are the first to lose their job in the post-season reshuffle as the club prepare for new ownership. The incoming owners are set to appoint their own man, apparently.
Round 20: Magnus Rüfenacht, FC Städeli; replaced by Nelis Fijnwever
Round 27: Nelo Holzer, OSA-Cyclista; replaced by Lenny Dähler
Round 34: Davey Tinnalt, St. Bernadine Football Team
Out Next?: Nelis Fijnwever, FC Städeli - 1/4 at TaxBet
It is a close race in the prediction league between the former national team manager and Standard Lily's Joseph Moteudi; but the latter did secure a second consecutive Confederations Trophy and guaranteed interregional football next season - so the sword of Damocles swings the way of Nelis Fijnwever, who upset his new employers almost immediately by insisting they were so bad they would need to pay the relegation pay-off to be sure of survival, and exited the Tax Cup in embarrassing circumstances. He insists they need a complete rebuild and has sniffed at the affiliation with Stadler Works as an additional source of talent. He's supposedly not very popular with the board, which does at least make him popular with the fans. But it feels like he's on a hiding to nothing next season.
Or Luege or Leuge or however you spell Laege
School's Report
That of course is not my bad journalism you are reading there, but a famous quote by the teenage manager of the first ever Buzzelli Bargain Stores Taxhavn branch. Since then the shilling shop has built a solid reputation for cheap domestic goods and terrible spelling on its shop signage - something it now does deliberately as part of its USP. As the sponsor of the new Elite Youth League, it has a controversial association with lazy illiteracy in the younger population, and many puritans are upset about the association with the youth football teams. But any publicity is gud publicity, in the i's of FA-Tax...
The Elite Youth League, set up to support under-18 teams to play more competitive football and to have an opportunity to play in interregional football with the Rising Stars Cup, runs over two stages. In the first stage thirty-six teams, expanded from 30 in the previous seasons, compete in three regional divisions, playing a double round-robin format of 22 games; at which point the teams divide to compete nationally in the second stage of the league. In this stage, clubs divide based on standings into four national tiers. The top three of each will contest a single round of games, with a random unseeded draw to establish four home and four away games each. The next three finishers in each region, who placed 4th-6th, compete in Tier 2, the 7th-9th placed finishers drop into Tier 3 and 10th-12th into the new fourth tier.
The Tier 1 divisional winner after eight games is confirmed as the national youth champion, and in the third year of the competition that honour goes to Napoleon St. Bernadine and they are the first team to win the youth league and not see their senior associates relegated, with the first team really impressing in their debut season in the top flight: exciting times at The Little Generals, where they are rivalling HPV Waallen in all indexes of well-run clubs overturning the established order. They win the title in a three-way fight with city rivals Academical, last year's champion, and the St. Bernadine Football Team's Youth, who are showing that the troubled franchise do at least have something to look forward to in the future.
EYL Stage 2 Final Standings
Tier-1 Pld W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 Napoleon St. Bernadine 8 4 2 2 18 14 +4 14 Rising Stars Cup
2 St. Bernadine Youth 8 4 2 2 16 14 +2 14
3 St. Bernadine Academical 8 4 1 3 22 20 +2 13
4 Deltic FC 8 3 4 1 22 21 +1 13
5 De Tike FC 8 4 0 4 13 18 −5 12
6 Raven Thöni 8 3 2 3 15 14 +1 11
7 Zotteeik 8 3 1 4 12 9 +3 10
8 HPV Waallen 8 2 2 4 15 16 −1 8
9 Tijhuis Archimedes 8 1 2 5 17 24 −7 5
Tier-2 Pld W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 Orchideeën 8 4 4 0 15 8 +7 16
2 Sturm Havn 8 3 4 1 16 13 +3 13
3 BSSC Driessche 8 3 3 2 22 18 +4 12
4 HKB Merzberg 8 3 3 2 18 21 −3 12
5 Kierhuizen Boys 8 2 4 2 15 14 +1 10
6 Löwen Bessendorf 8 2 2 4 16 18 −2 8
7 Fortuna Städeli 8 1 4 3 13 16 −3 7
8 FZK-Amstell 8 1 4 3 12 15 −3 7
9 Standard Lily 8 1 4 3 9 13 −4 7
Tier-3 Pld W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 Boldsea FC 8 5 2 1 20 10 +10 17
2 Septentriennes 8 4 3 1 21 12 +9 15
3 Tulip Maartenstadt 8 4 1 3 13 16 −3 13
4 McCunnald 8 3 3 2 12 11 +1 12
5 Motor Waallen 8 3 1 4 11 10 +1 10
6 1860 Delénacht 8 2 4 2 20 21 −1 10
7 FC Städeli 8 2 3 3 17 18 −1 9
8 OSA-Cyclista 8 1 3 4 13 20 −7 6
9 VF Romainring 8 2 0 6 10 19 −9 6
Tier-4 Pld W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 ASMV St. Bernadine 8 5 2 1 20 10 +10 17
2 Urban Irminger 8 4 3 1 17 11 +6 15
3 St. Gight's Albion 8 3 4 1 19 16 +3 13
4 Benson Foxes 8 2 5 1 17 13 +4 11
5 Old Shakerssens 8 3 2 3 11 11 0 11
6 AZ Exloërveen 8 2 3 3 18 21 −3 9
7 Rotor Küsneuve 8 2 2 4 13 19 −6 8
8 Rankfelden Cardinals 8 1 3 4 13 18 −5 6
9 Olimpia Oranjestadt 8 1 2 5 14 23 −9 5
Tier 1 Awards
Golden Ball Overall Best Player: Hugh Trader, De Tike FC
Golden Boot Top Scorer: Vydric Glinn (BSE*), St. Bernadine Academical
Golden Glove Top Keeper: Quinton Duncan (KAT), Zotteeik
Golden Blanket Best Midfielder: Jean Graven, Napoleon St. Bernadine
Golden Brick Best Defender: Jacob Daundelyon, Napoleon St. Bernadine
Golden Visa: Best Foreigner: Claes-Göran Collin (TKT), HPV Waallen
In the first stage of the EYL, when teams play in regionalised divisions, De Tike FC regain their Northern regional title which they won in the first season, before Kierhuizen Boys took it from them last year. They entered the second phase as the highest ranked youth team with only one defeat in 22, but couldn't take that form into the crucial deciding games. In the south, those St. Bernadine teams dominated with Napoleon top of the pile in this their first season in the EYL. Meanwhile out west Raven took their regional title from rivals Deltic FC.
EYL Stage 1 Regional Standings
North Pld W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 De Tike FC 22 19 2 1 60 30 +30 59
2 Zotteeik 22 15 2 5 48 37 +11 47
3 Tijhuis Archimedes 22 11 4 7 52 43 +9 37
4 Kierhuizen Boys 22 9 9 4 46 35 +11 36
5 FZK-Amstell 22 9 8 5 53 50 +3 35
6 Orchideeën 22 8 6 8 41 42 −1 30
7 Tulip Maartenstadt 22 9 3 10 38 47 −9 30
8 OSA-Cyclista 22 8 5 9 56 46 +10 29
9 McCunnald 22 5 7 10 41 50 −9 22
10 Olimpia Oranjestadt 22 5 6 11 47 59 −12 21
11 Rotor Küsneuve 22 4 4 14 34 48 −14 16
12 AZ Exloërveen 22 1 2 19 28 57 −29 5
South Pld W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 Napoleon St. Bernadine 22 12 6 4 48 38 +10 42
2 St. Bernadine Academical 22 12 3 7 64 57 +7 39
3 St. Bernadine Youth 22 11 5 6 63 48 +15 38
4 Standard Lily 22 10 8 4 56 51 +5 38
5 Fortuna Städeli 22 8 9 5 47 49 −2 33
6 Sturm Havn 22 9 4 9 35 30 +5 31
7 FC Städeli 22 7 9 6 49 46 +3 30
8 Boldsea FC 22 7 7 8 42 43 −1 28
9 Septentriennes 22 8 0 14 42 47 −5 24
10 St. Gight's Albion 22 5 6 11 43 51 −8 21
11 ASMV St. Bernadine 22 6 3 13 48 63 −15 21
12 Old Shakerssens 22 5 4 13 41 55 −14 19
West Pld W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 Raven Thöni 22 14 7 1 50 24 +26 49
2 Deltic FC 22 13 6 3 56 37 +19 45
3 HPV Waallen 22 10 6 6 45 38 +7 36
4 BSSC Driessche 22 9 6 7 46 45 +1 33
5 HKB Merzberg 22 9 5 8 43 45 −2 32
6 Löwen Bessendorf 22 7 9 6 35 39 −4 30
7 Motor Waallen 22 8 5 9 45 49 −4 29
8 1860 Delénacht 22 7 7 8 45 40 +5 28
9 VF Romainring 22 6 7 9 35 38 −3 25
10 Urban Irminger 22 5 6 11 35 44 −9 21
11 Benson Foxes 22 6 3 13 32 44 −12 21
12 Rankfelden Cardinals 22 2 5 15 34 58 −24 11
The Wide Enness Ocean
The key to Wightling puppetry
* Nationalities marked with an asterisk are part of the Wightling Commonwealth:
AAN Aaan HUI Huaite NYY Namayyan SOY Soyo
AUR Auronne HVM Hvammstang OSM Osmania TAM Tamarindia
BBS Barbary Salé IDM Íle de Martín PLV Palava TEQ Tequilo
BEO Beomark IPN Ipanema POI Poix TRQ Terraque
BOH Bohobe JLA Jelah PSI Portsea & Spice Islands URQ Uraqq
BSE Bonesea KKA Kukalaya RRP République Rivière USO Usorno
CMU Chímu MAK Makongo RSG Royal Saxe-Gotha WGT Wight
COS Costelloa MNO Monozygotia RXX Rosicruxxia XIN Xindao
CRN Cernan MPK Malproksimen SCG Scéalta Grinn ZGA Zenega
DLT Delte MUS Mustardy SCY Scythia ZZR Zykotik Zoviet Republicz
HSP Hispanola NIB Nibelunga SLT Saltern Island
OOC The Wightling Commonwealth, of which Taxhavn is also a member, is the commonwealth of Wightling puppets.
OBV.
