Solitary Soccer League

by **Taxhavn** » Tue Aug 26, 2025 1:23 pm

The Elite Youth Luege of Taxhavn
(or however you spell laege)

That of course is not my bad journalism you are reading there, but a famous quote by the teenage manager of the first ever Buzzelli Bargain Stores Taxhavn branch. Since then the shilling shop has built a solid reputation for cheap domestic goods and terrible spelling on its shop signage - something it now does deliberately as part of its USP. As the sponsor of the brand new Elite Youth League, it has a controversial association with lazy illiteracy in the younger population, and many puritans are upset about the association with the youth football teams. But any publicity is gud publicity, in the i's of FA-Tax...

The Elite Youth League, set up to support under-18 teams to play more competitive football and to have an opportunity to play in interregional football with the Rising Stars Cup, runs over two stages. In the first stage thirty teams compete in three regional divisions, playing a double round-robin format of 18 games; at which point the teams divide on merit to compete nationally in the second stage of the league. In this stage, the bottom team in each region is eliminated, leaving twenty seven clubs overall. The top three of each will contest a single round of games, with a random unseeded draw to establish four home and four away games each. The next three finishers in each region, who placed 4th-6th, compete in Tier 2, while the 7th-9th placed finishers drop into Tier 3.

The Tier 1 divisional winner after eight games is confirmed as the national youth champion, and in the inaugural season it is the famous Raven Thöni academy that took the first title. While the senior team were busy getting relegated and making everyone wonder how they had become so short on ideas and ambition, Raven's youth coaches were doing what they have a track record for doing over many years: producing top quality players for the future. The club that brough through Valentin Fay and Raphael Kaiser are the typically the first ever winners of the Elite Youth League, with the likes of local lads Heinz Hirsh, Rudi Von Unslingen, Alphonse Kirsch and René Kremer offering a glimpse of what should be to come. And of course, the team has impressed with it's global reach, snapping up Pasargans Zobor Herman and Jaron Versluis to play a major role in the first EYL title. From the Wightling Commonwealth, the Mustardo striker Arcadius Veco stood out as one of the best, winning both best player and top scorer in the competition for the All-Blacks, while Versluis took the best young foreigner award.

St. Bernadine Academical have a reputation for bringing young scholars through including Deltic star Onun Tasher, and Visayas Islands striker Rogelio Carreón, 23, now leading the line at University Lane; and the production of potential stars continues as Academical earned a very close second place with attacking midfielder Fynn Light-Weston one of the most exciting prospects of the year. Surprisingly he hasn't made it into the national junior teams at SoccerLand yet, but after this season, the call must coming. One player who is well established at SoccerLand, and impressed in the under-18 World Cup championship is Bert-Jan Tanker, at De Tike FC. Unsurprisingly he won defender of the season while his keeper, Tequiloan Ossü, took the Golden Glove as the young Clockwork Orange and Blues took an impressive third place overall in the league.

EYL Stage 2 Final Standings

   Tier 1                       Pld    W   D   L    GF    GA   GD    Pts
 1 Raven Thöni                    8    5   2   1    19    10    9     17  Rising Stars Cup
 2 St. Bernadine Academical       8    5   2   1    14     9    5     17
 3 De Tike FC                     8    3   4   1    14     7    7     13
 4 Benson Foxes                   8    4   1   3    12    10    2     13
 5 Old Shakerssens                8    3   1   4    10    16   -6     10
 6 FZK-Amstell                    8    2   3   3     7     9   -2      9
 7 Orchideeën                     8    1   4   3    10    11   -1      7
 8 Boldsea FC                     8    2   0   6     7    14   -7      6
 9 Tunn's Farm Academy            8    1   3   4     6    13   -7      6

   Tier 2                       Pld    W   D   L    GF    GA   GD    Pts
 1 Septentriennes                 8    5   1   2    15     7    8     16
 2 Standard Lily                  8    5   0   3    13     9    4     15
 3 BSSC Driessche                 8    4   1   3    11     9    2     13
 4 Motor Waallen                  8    4   1   3    11     9    2     13
 5 Zotteeik                       8    4   1   3     9     9    0     13
 6 Kierhuizen Boys                8    3   1   4    18    14    4     10
 7 Tijhuis Archimedes             8    3   1   4     6     9   -3     10
 8 HKB Merzberg                   8    2   2   4     9    15   -6      8
 9 Taxhavn City                   8    2   0   6     9    20  -11      6

   Tier 3                       Pld    W   D   L    GF    GA   GD    Pts
 1 Urban Irminger                 8    5   2   1    16     8    8     17
 2 HPV Waallen                    8    5   1   2    11     6    5     16
 3 OSA-Cyclista                   8    4   1   3    10    10    0     13
 4 McCunnald                      8    3   3   2    13    10    3     12
 5 FC Städeli                     8    3   3   2    12    11    1     12
 6 Löwen Bessandorf               8    2   2   4    12    13   -1      8
 7 Olimpia Oranjestadt            8    2   2   4    10    16   -6      8
 8 Fortuna Städeli                8    2   1   5    14    19   -5      7
 9 Schwänenclub                   8    2   1   5     8    13   -5      7

Tier 1 Awards

Golden Ball	Overall Best Player: 	Arcadius Veco (MUS*), Raven Thöni
Golden Boot	Top Scorer: 		Arcadius Veco
Golden Glove	Top Keeper: 		Ossü (TEQ*), De Tike FC
Golden Motor	Best Midfielder: 	Fynn Light-Weston, St. Bernadine Academical
Golden Brick	Best Defender: 		Bert-Jan Tanker, De Tike FC
Golden Visa	Best Foreigner:		Jaron Versluis (PAS), Raven Thöni

Old Shakerssens fans at least have one little glory to crow about - they are the EYL Southern Region champions, narrowly finishing ahead of new startup Boldsea FC and eventual national runners-up St. Bernadine Academical. Tunn's Farm Academy, the production line of Deltic FC, showed predictable dominance in the Western region, but really ran out of steam when it came to the second stage national championship, finishing bottom of Tier-1.

EYL Stage 1 Regional Standings

   North Division               Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts	Tier
 1 De Tike FC                    18   14   2   2    53   27  +26    44	1
 2 Orchideeën                    18   11   4   3    43   32  +11    37	1
 3 FZK-Amstell                   18   11   3   4    46   35  +11    36	1
 4 Tijhuis Archimedes            18   10   3   5    40   32   +8    33	2
 5 Kierhuizen Boys               18    9   3   6    40   35   +5    30	2
 6 Zotteeik                      18    7   2   9    43   45   −2    23	2
 7 McCunnald                     18    5   7   6    31   40   −9    22	3
 8 OSA-Cyclista                  18    4   1  13    39   52  −13    13	3
 9 Olimpia Oranjestadt           18    3   3  12    34   43   −9    12	3
10 Achilles Portugaal            18    1   2  15    21   49  −28     5	-

   South Division               Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts	Tier 
 1 Old Shakerssens               18   10   3   5    58   46  +12    33	1
 2 Boldsea FC                    18    9   5   4    44   31  +13    32	1
 3 St. Bernadine Academical      18    9   3   6    40   37   +3    30	1
 4 Taxhavn City                  18    8   5   5    44   35   +9    29	2
 5 Septentriennes                18    8   4   6    47   35  +12    28	2
 6 Standard Lily                 18    9   1   8    44   45   −1    28	2
 7 FC Städeli                    18    6   3   9    39   48   −9    21	3
 8 Fortuna Städeli               18    5   5   8    39   45   −6    20	3
 9 Schwänenclub                  18    5   2  11    31   46  −15    17	3
10 Sturm Havn                    18    1   9   8    37   55  −18    12	-

   West Division                Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts	Tier 
 1 Tunn's Farm Academy           18   13   3   2    43   22  +21    42	1
 2 Benson Foxes                  18    7   8   3    40   31   +9    29	1
 3 Raven Thöni                   18    8   4   6    41   29  +12    28	1
 4 HKB Merzberg                  18    8   4   6    31   35   −4    28	2
 5 Motor Waallen                 18    8   3   7    46   44   +2    27	2
 6 BSSC Driessche                18    7   4   7    39   31   +8    25	2
 7 Löwen Bessandorf              18    7   2   9    40   44   −4    23	3
 8 HPV Waallen                   18    6   3   9    40   46   −6    21	3
 9 Urban Irminger                18    6   3   9    39   45   −6    21	3
10 Axis Driessche                18    2   2  14    26   58  −32     8	-

by **Taxhavn** » Sun Aug 31, 2025 3:08 am

SteuerLig-97
End of Season Banquet

The Soccerati of Taxhavn gathered at the Grand Bullion Hotel to celebrate another successful season of chaos, bribes, tax breaks, legal arguments and complicated restructures of the SteuerLig, and without further ado, a few words from our favourite football philosopher as spoken to the gathered audience:

In Others Words
Quotes From Those That Matter

In this issue we recall the famous line of Gnejsian striker, club owner and horticulturist Georg Bardo.

«The resilience of the dandelion is an awesome force; given time it will burst through hindrances no matter how concrete»

- The Septentriennes forward reflects on the sudden rise to the SteuerLig of the club he jointly owns with a couple of fellow Gnejsians, Dandelion Town FC, who were promoted three divisions to reach Lig-3 for next season, mostly with Gnejsian refugees from World Cup '99 in the first eleven, the second eleven, and the third eleven. Or is he just plain fed up with clearing the driveway of invasive weeds, having spent half the season injured and helping out Mrs. Bardo with the housekeeping? Or maybe he's talking about himself, reassuring fans he will be back next season to terrorise defenders once more. You never can be sure with Georg.

Did Somebody Say 'Takeaway'?
Five Things We Learned At The Grand Bullion Hotel

- where they frown upon the very idea of takeaways

Four Champions League Places - Despite a drop in performances on the previous glorious season, Taxhavn advances to third overall in the IFCF rankings and with it earns another extra place for the Champions League, snapped up gratefully by Taxhavn FC. With the extended play-offs for the FFI Confederations Trophy in place, it means almost half the teams in the top flight are in with a shout of interregional football, which is something to celebrate in Havn these days with Standard Lily grabbing themselves a consolation place in the next tournament.

Orchideeën Win The Ketchup - The table reserved for The Nurserymen was empty with a video link live set up by Blymmin Cable Company to Indusse, where the club were celebrating victory in the second FFI Ketchup tournament, following on from the successful one two seasons ago when three rounds of Ketchup brought two League of Victors trophies for FC Städeli and a Confederations Trophy for OSA. This time with two rounds to play for, Orchideeën made it a double for the season with the league title and League of Victors win, as Polarian coach Madars Kielman bows out on a high.

Dandelions Take Root - He may have got little game time this season following injury, but Georg Bardo was in full swing at the post-season awards with the record-breaking non-league team that he owns with fellow Gnejsians Mikkel Bukt and Hibiskus Andersson - Dandelion Town FC. After a 100% record in the Southern League and a fast-track to the SteuerLig promotion play-offs, which they won, his team are no longer non-league. Which is hardly surprising, as they are full of Prosaic Union internationals who were last seen reaching the knockout rounds of World Cup 99.

Exiles Exodus Explained - We are all celebrating the end of the Uncivil War in the Valley of the River Delte, except perhaps Deltic fans in Romainring, where they are set to lose several key players. Folllowing the call by the Delte River Trust to 'Regroup At The River', many exiles are heading home to help with the reconstruction of the valley, including players who feel their civic duty is back home. Full details of the losses to Deltic FC are not clear, but what's for certain is a rebuild will have to happen over the summer.

Alive But Not Kicking - In a second live video feed, Rik Dam attended from his private hospital bed where he is recovering from his motor accident after he wrote off his rather expensive custom Tachyon 611 Goldleaf after colliding with a bridge at very high speed. Unable to actually wave just yet, with 387 broken bones and multiple tooth fillings having fallen out, he raised an eyebrow to let everyone know he will be back soon... ish.

End of Season Full Awards

Golden Ball       (Best Player): 	Jeroen Blenkers, Orchideeën	 		
Golden Boot       (Top Scorer):  	Jeroen Blenkers, Orchideeën 	
Golden Glove      (Best Keeper): 	Florijs van Aysma, Taxhavn City	
Golden Visa       (Best Foreigner): 	Maximilien Laminien (KOR), Orchideeën
Golden Blanket    (Best Midfielder):	Benno Tschaggeny, FC Städeli 	
Golden Brick      (Best Defender): 	Hibiskus Andersson (PUG), Septentriennes
Golden Pram       (Best Young Player): 	Tristan Featherstone (TKT), Septentriennes	
Golden Stick      (Best Veteran): 	Ozan Welch (TKT), Benson Foxes	
Golden Tracksuit  (Best Head Coach):	Mosey Ackanard (BSE*), Boldsea FC	 
Wooden Spoon      (A Season To Forget):	Nino Hämmerli, Old Shakerssens

SteuerLig All-Star Selections

Home							Away

Florijs van Aysma, Taxhavn City			GK	Morten Gallis (AUP), Tijhuis Archimedes
Jonas Spori, Septentriennes			DL	Vagn Kreitner (PIS), FC Städeli
V.W. Kamperman, Orchideeën			DR	Evela-Gavax Den (BRH-QUS), Taxhavn City
Töbe Aerle, FC Städeli				DC	Hibiskus Andersson (PUG), Septentriennes
Isaac de Wale, Taxhavn City			DC	Aslak Hrafninnsson (PIS), Orchideeën	
Benno Tschaggeny, FC Städeli			DM	Laurent Lapix (RCN), Standard Lily	
Arrigo Napoleoni, FC Städeli			ML	Lehel Komáromy (PAS), Taxhavn City
Valentin Fey, Orchideeën			MR	Flotilla Gaudin (EFL), Taxhavn City
Reggy van Buiten, Tijhuis Archimedes		AM	Maximilien Laminien (KOR), Orchideeën
Jeroen Blenkers, Orchideeën			ST	Caspar Kinderman (PIS), Orchideeën	
Zubi Zuberbühler, FC Städeli			ST	Szilárd Forde (EFL), Taxhavn City

Magnus Rüfenacht, FC Städeli			Coach	Madars Kielman (PIS), Orchideeën

Wightling Commonwealth				Rising Stars

Ricky Tinningburst (DLT*), Standard Lily	GK	Henneke Sÿtzen (20), BSSC Driessche
Scala Foundry (BSE*), Boldsea FC		DL	Aadu Kallaste (19)(MPK*), St. Bernadine Academical
Raggar Rothdaring (DLT*), Deltic FC		DR	Bernnt Graven (20), Orchideeën
Saùl de Gordón (TEQ*), HPV Waallen		DC	Hermannus de Hane (20), De Tike FC
Rudy Godin (MUS*), HPV Waallen			DC	Diedrich Billing (19), OSA Cyclista
Colan Avocet (BSE*), Boldsea FC			DM	Sebastian Ortmark (20)(NRH), OSA Cyclista 
Ken Kallestad (BEO*), Tijhuis Archimedes	ML	Tommie Wilye (19)(SLT*), Orchideeën
Tai Tunnyo (DLT*), Deltic FC			MR	Hans Hengst (19), Taxhavn City
Hatake Michio (HUI*), Taxhavn City		AM 	Tiberien Bruta-Apollonoux (19)(AUP), Tijhuis Archimedes
Jesse Akuchi (ZGA*), FC Städeli			ST	Tétény Csorba (20)(PAS), Tijhuis Archimedes 
Pablo Roâ (TEQ*), Boldsea FC			ST	Tristan Featherstone (17), Septentriennes

* Nationalities marked with an asterisk are part of the Wightling Commonwealth:

AAN  Aaan		HUI  Huaite 		NYY  Namayyan			SOY  Soyo
AUR  Auronne		HVM  Hvammstang		OSM  Osmania			TAM  Tamarindia
BBS  Barbary Salé 	IDM  Íle de Martín	PLV  Palava			TEQ  Tequilo
BEO  Beomark		IPN  Ipanema		POI  Poix			TRQ  Terraque
BOH  Bohobe 		JLA  Jelah		PSI  Portsea & Spice Islands	URQ  Uraqq		
BSE  Bonesea		KKA  Kukalaya		RRP  République Rivière		USO  Usorno		
CMU  Chímu		MAK  Makongo		RSG  Royal Saxe-Gotha	  	WGT  Wight	
COS  Costelloa 		MNO  Monozygotia	RXX  Rosicruxxia		XIN  Xindao	
CRN  Cernan 		MPK  Malproksimen	SCG  Scéalta Grinn		ZGA  Zenega	 
DLT  Delte		MUS  Mustardy		SCY  Scythia			ZZR  Zykotik Zoviet Republicz	
HSP  Hispanola		NIB  Nibelunga		SLT  Saltern Island		

OOC  The Wightling Commonwealth, of which Taxhavn is also a member, is the commonwealth of Wightling puppets.
OBV.

Did Somebody Say 'Play Away'?
Five Players We Celebrated At The Grand Bullion Hotel

The ones who lit up the league

Jeroen Blenkers (ST, Orchideeën) - a solid Joe for several seasons at Orchideeën, Jeroen has suddenly become a superstar after more or less never missing a shot this season, scoring a league record 43 goals in 38 games, and 50 in all competitions - the first player to do so on the island.

Florijs van Aysma (GK, Taxhavn City) - He did not cover himself in glory with the national team before being dropped for the most recent IAC, and that rejection seemed to focus his mind. This season he has been the goalkeeper we all thought his would be when he moved to the Triple-A. It's taken a while, but he was superb.

Maximilien Laminien (AM, Orchideeën) - He's been admired in Taxhavn from the time he first pulled on a shirt for Sturm Havn, arriving as a free agent from Ko-oren. The Nurserymen were willing to part with ₸x3m shillings and he has gone up several levels, including being noticed for the first time back home, where he is now apparently on the edge of national team selection.

Benno Tschaggeny (DM, FC Städeli) - Here's the prodigal son returned home; Benno is one we had all forgotten about ourselves, having spent most of his career from an emerging youth player onwards far far away abroad. The Frigates pulled off something of a coup to get him back, and how it payed off - turning a season expected to be full of woe into a close-run title challenge.

Tristan Featherstone (ST, Septentriennes) - The loss of Georg Bardo to injury for the best part of the season might've thrust The Bankers into a tail spin if it wasn't for an unlikely young hero thrust into action to fill a gap. Linking seamlessley with team mate Rollo Heron, the young Tikariotian was a joy of youthful inventiveness and precision. When Georg comes back, coach Anaïs Aescher will be faced with an unexpected selection headache.

The Last Word
Sports Editor Kit Samrodd

What to expect next season

One thing I can guarantee to expect next season is a new writer on the TAX Magazine Sports Desk, where I will be succeeded by my capable sidekick and understudy James B. Olsen. That's because I'm going back to my old job, as Familiar Languages teacher at Oswark Grammar School, in the Delte Valley. That's right, I am fulfilling the call of the Delte River Trust, to go back home, Regroup At The River, and help with the reconstruction of the valley after four years of the WI Terror.

I won't be alone in taking the ferry back to Deltemouth harbour (no-one's flying - the only airstrip on the de Luntte estate just outside Oswark-upon-Delte wasn't exactly blown up in the Uncivil War, but a local pro-WI farmer did plough it up for potatoes knowing estate owning heiress and banker Taite de Luntte was away in Taxhavn financially underwriting the resistance) as I will be joined by several players from Deltic FC who are in for the Regroup, including the legend that is Untto Squaker. We don't know yet for sure who is going, but maybe I will telegram from the boat when I've done a roll call.

Apart from that, expect the usual shenanigans.

by **Taxhavn** » Sat Sep 27, 2025 6:46 am

SteuerLig Season '98
Begins Here

Can anyone stop Orchideeën?

Crabapple Corp, Taxhavn's largest and richest computing giant are supporting SteuerLig with a big fat annual money transfer order to promote Solitary Soccer League, the spreadsheet and random number generator game taking the island by storm. All the kids and far too many adults are playing it, locked away at night in their bedrooms discussing imaginary football matches with imaginary friends. Now Crabapple are bringing the SSL to the multiverse, and where better to start than at a top-2 league in the IFCF rankings. Welcome to the SteuerLig Sponsored By Solitary Soccer League.

Quicklinks:
⟨⟨ Season 97 | Headlines | Transfer Ticker | Season Preview Part 1 | Part 2
Season Review Part-1 | Part-2 | Winter Break | Part-3 | Part-4, The Run-In | End of Season Awards | Season 99 ⟩⟩

Reigning Champions:	Orchideeën
Cup Holders:		HPV Waallen

Champions League:	Orchideeën, FC Städeli, Septentriennes, Taxhavn City
Challenger's Cup:	Boldsea FC, Tijhuis Archimedes, Deltic FC 
Cup Winner's Cup:	HPV Waallen
Newly Promoted:		Sturm Havn, St. Gight's Albion, Zotteeik

King of the League:	Jeroen Blenkers (Orchideeën)	
Prince of Football:	Tristan Featherstone (TKT) (Septentriennes)
Minister of Six Yards:	Jeroen Blenkers (Orchideeën)
Foreign Ambassador:	Maximilien Laminien (KOR) (Orchideeën)
Old Man of the Game:	Ozan Welch (TKT) (Benson Foxes)
Superkeeperfrajalistic:	Florijs van Aysma (ex-Taxhavn City, now Old Shakerssens)

Star Signing:		Custodio Reverso (FFD) (Kierhuizen Boys)	 
One to Watch:		Leonard Lugga (PDT) (Sturm Havn)

A Beginner's Guide To The SteuerLig
Five things you need to know about Taxhavnite football

A quick introduction for new readers

Taxhavn's got history - though less than a decade of IFCF entries behind it, Taxhavn has a long history of domestic soccer and is entering it's 98th formally organised season.

There's a Big Six, of sorts - Standard Lily have won the most SteuerLigs, followed by Raven Thöni and FC Städeli; while Orchideeën and Septentriennes are the most decorated clubs in history; Tijhuis Archimedes play in the biggest ground to the biggest crowds.

There are three distinct regions of the island - the industrial north (clubs like Orchideeën, Archimedes and Kierhuizen Boys), the suburban west (Raven, Deltic FC, HPV Waallen) and the super-rich south (Septentriennes, Standard, FC Städeli)

There is a superclub - only three years old, Taxhavn City was formed from the merger of three old giants in St. Bernadine - Athletic, Amateur & Accountants. So it's a superclub. In their first season they were terrible; in the second they won the cup.

There's more info at the front - just skip back to the OP to find a menu of interesting articles and posts that, once you've read them, will make you the world's foremost expert (apart from me) on Taxhavnite football.

And now for a quick catch-up on what happened in the off-season:

The Football Never Ends
Orchideeën Win FFI Ketchup-2

...and SoccerLand continues to pay out

Report by James B. Olsen, Sports Editor

After the FFI went off the radar again following the Grand Ketchup tournament of a few years ago, the world was resigned to the end of the indies club competitions. Two more seasons were missed and several Taxhavn teams were among many who twiddled their thumbs on the former FFI Fridays that played out towards the end of the domestic season in the good old days. But then we heard the news - Indussian football administrators, backed up by helicopters and a mercenary team of crack janitors, had finally discovered and raided the FFI derelict caravan that had been lost on a potato farm somewhere in the North Pacific. A second Ketchup tournament was announced, and the Indussians promised regular scheduling would commence as soon as they had taped together all the shredded records from the bin at the back of the caravan. They were in charge now. The caravan was airlifted to Indusse, new windows fitted, the gunk removed from the fridge, the compost toilet refreshed, the moss scrubbed off the roof. FFI is back in operation, and glory be - Orchideeën under the new command of Vilitan refugees Sami Samiii and Reino Kononen, stepping up to replace retired Polarian Madars Kielman who oversaw the renaissance of the Nurserymen, won the Day-2 League of Victors to add to the swelling trophy cabinet. Ironically it was the potato farmers who won the Day-1 tournament, but Sami Samiii's boys stepped up to take the second title. Meanwhile there were also commendable performances on day 2 for Deltic FC (League of Victors quarterfinals) in their first days without legendary World Cup-winning head coach Mo Unden, and BSSC Driessche (Confederations Trophy semi-finalists).

On the national team front, with the SoccerLand system now well and truly up and running, there was a first ever entry into the Di Bradini Under-21 World Cup, a tournament impossible to win on account of where and who hosts it, and a creditable run to the round of sixteen proved the age group academies are working well, although controversy surrounding young superstar Ivo Gyll was... embarrassing. Meanwhile all that work on a 'national style' helped incredibly with a much improved showing at the Independent Associations Cup, where the Shillingmen reached a record-equalling quarter final and finally looked partially respectable on the international stage. Talk of a World Cup entry is premature, so an insider at FA-Tax tells me, but don't be surprised if there is something on the horizon - rumour has it the new national stadium at SoccerLand, beset by countless delays over the years, has been hawked around as a potential World Cup final venue under the auspices of what appears to be an energy company from Farfadillis.

Inside Rights
Right Inside Zotteeik

The Fly-On-The-Ball 'soccumentary' Comes To The Zottpark
Report by SixteenBits, Sports Desk Assistant Textbot

In Audioslavia they were doing it for years - football meets reality tv with their ShootyMcShootface soccer series to find the next midfield genius from high rise flat sofa-monkeys and telly junkies. Then came the 'Glory Glory Futs. United' style of documentary about super teams thrashing everyone (Come Raynor Shine, Outineau You Go!, Prepare For Impact, etc. etc.), followed by the more down to earth 'Welcome To Wreckia' Tinselwood-Megastar-Shines-A-Light-On-Down-At-Heel-Town-Club-And-Covers-Everything-In-An-Unlikely-Patina-Of-Glory production. Still going strong on season 6 with a huge following (from people who've never been to Wreckia, mostly) as various movie stars struggle to pronounce 'Llanfairplayintheblackholeofdoomneargogolgogolstan' or find a suitably luxurious BnB in the nearby mining hamlets of Mould, Bymbo, or Completenetworksolutionsville. You can't turn on your streaming channel nowadays without falling over the latest fly-on-the-ball soccumentary. And now, Grimm TV in association with Blymmin Cable Network is fully in on the act by announcing the second season of 'Inside Rights' - a studs-and-all look at life behind the scenes and in the dressing room of newly-promoted oddball Lig-1 club Zotteeik. Grimm TV, sponsors of Standard Lily, are hoping this is the consolidation of a long and lucrative franchise, featuring a new club each season for a soap opera of soccer. Following the curious flop of Old Shakerssen's Galactica season last year right under the unforgiving lens of Inside Rights, Zotteeik will hope the camera will be more forgiving for them as they fight to stay in the division. And then where? Gnejsian superstar Georg Bardo's Dandelion Town FC are allegedly signed for the following season, while Standard Lily, owned by Grimm TV founder and CEO Xylon Grimm, are also on the production slate for later down the road, probably when his TV company have honed their skills well enough to present his football team in the best possible light.

Never one to shy away from an opportunity for a bit of content filler, we here at the sports desk of TAX Magazine will be signing up in partnership with Grimm TV to serialise some of the highlights of 'Right Inside Zotteeik' during our coverage of this season's SteuerLig [Sponsored by Solitary Soccer League]. Look out for the 'Inside Rights' article on each post, and get to know eeek!!! as if they were your own clubmates, from right inside your high rise flat with the sagging sofa which, by the way, you really need to vacuum under the cushions for a change. We recommend Sit'n'Vac, from Soapy Luchré, as your ideal furniture freshen-up friend, available from all good Buzzelli Bargain Stores or your local street corner TAXwash laundromat. For those of you who are fully stuck to the sofa and don't want to miss a thing on the tv, you can also order online from Orinoco with free delivery within the hour - the courier team will even put it away in your cleaning cupboard for you, no extra charge - just point them in the right direction. While you're at it you might find a use for some Skid-Slide-Away dried gunk remover if you really are that stuck. Your jeans will thank you for it™.

by **Taxhavn** » Sun Sep 28, 2025 12:42 am

BREAKING NEWS...
Steelers Break The Transfer Window

Custodio Reverso is headed to Taxhavn

Breaking both the domestic transfer record (Orchideeën's ₸x37m-shilling signing of Valentin Fey) and Taxhavn's record on the international domestic transfer window (₸x26m, Laurent Lapix to Standard Lily) Kierhuizen Boys re-emphasised their determination to be a club that matters in the SteuerLig with the sensational ₸x39m signing of legendary La + Querida goalkeeper Custodio Reverso, 30. Well, not legendary yet, but surely soon to be. The fee is also the biggest international transfer fee reported in a decade, which will delight the laundry accountants at FA-Tax. Engineered, so the rumour goes, by Lithico™ and Taxhavn financiers Banque Gentian Lhuillier, off the back of recent discussions around World Cup hosting, The Steelers have shown once again the power of their wallet is not affected by recent flops in the transfer market, including previous club record signing Tiaz, the Ipaneman beach striker who arrived for a cool ₸x22m last season, scored four times in 35 games, and was quietly shipped off to somewhere in the Wide Enness Ocean just last week for about half that value. More follows...

For now, it hardly seems worthwhile adding all the regular news. But James B. Olsen has a job to do, so let's get on with it.

Did Somebody Say 'Takeaway'?
Things We Learned In The Off-Season

James B. Olsen, Sports Editor

TL;NGR

• SoccerLand announces national stadium to be World Cup Final venue
• The Wight Rovers set to be next franchise expansion team
• FA-Tax confirm divisions are to reduce to 18, with a new Lig-4
• SteuerLig introduces the 'Jetpack Payment' - pay to avoid relegation
• Boldsea FC & OSA-Cyclista to begin season with points deductions
• Citizenship automatically awarded to players resident in Taxhavn for five years or more
• Clubs force Taxhavn City to change their name
• Goal difference will no longer decide champions
• The Winter Shield offered as a forgattable new minor trophy

The season is nearly here! But what happened in the critical time between seasons, when football executives and administrators get dangerously bored and come up with new ideas to 'make football more interesting'?

The Lithico™ - Capacity 100,100
Farfadillis, Paradystopia & 'Not' Wight Bid For World Cup 100

FA-Tax say they are not concerned about building delays, participating in the World Cup, the NSWC constitution, or match-fixing scams by rival bidders as they announce a curious deal to host the World Cup 100 final under the banner of the 'Bizzaro: Penguins, Fire & No Tax Evasion' World Cup bid by Farfadillis and Paradystopia, somehow also underwritten by Taxhavn's colonial masters, Wight. The stadium on Soccer Island, part of the SoccerLand theme complex, was due to be completed two years ago with a capacity of around 60,000; but new drawings show huge extensions to the original to boost capacity to 100,100 as a tribute to the 100th World Cup, with the stadium planned to host the final. Documents also reveal that Von Arnold Island, on which SoccerLand sits, and possibly even Taxhavn itself, have been temporarily ceded to the aggressive battery-pack microstate of Lithico™, which does it's banking in Taxhavn, as a way to loophole through the World Cup constitution. The World Cup bid itself, which promises class-A drug use will be permitted and encouraged, has been positioned as an antidote to institutionalised establishment, and the muddy partnership of entities fronted by the bidding nations inevitably leads to the cash laundry of Taxhavn. Will the World Cup Final come to SoccerLand? It hardly seems likely. The voting process will commence as SteuerLig season '98 kicks off, and FA-Tax has said that the national stadium, expected to be called simply 'The Lithico™' will be complete in time for the World Cup even if the World Cup Committee doesn't vote for the Bizzaro bid. It could be the bizzarest non-World Cup Final Stadium story in history.

Franchise Football's Golden Ticket
The Wight Rovers Join Lig-1

Encouraged by the success of the new clubs in the league - Deltic FC winning everything put in front of them, Taxhavn City winning the cup, Boldsea FC almost winning the league at their first attempt - FA-Tax have approved another 'golden ticket' purchase as The Wight Rovers enter the fray next season in the top flight. Wholly owned by Four-Bit Irregulars back in Wight - the one-time UICA Champions League winners - the new club has a star-studded operational crew already in place with double World Cup winning super ancient Climo Coss as chief executive, Horatio Limit the Director of Football, and the best dressed man in football, Archie Ruggles-Pompey I, as head coach. Meanwhile Duke Aim, an old devil of Wight who heads up the best World Cup hosting bid ever conceived alongside Reginald Haxod of Paradystopia and Tuskoles Yagaras of Lithico™, will sit on the board. Rumour has it both Haxod and Yagaras are also more involved than the paperwork indicates... whatever that means. And we've heard the Gentlemen Interregnum, Messrs. Couth & Ruly, leaders of the old empire, are the first season ticket holders. Many suspect The Wight Rovers are part of the widespread rejuvenation of Imperial Wight, as it's former Commonwealth nations struggle to keep them at arms length. In Taxhavn it is no different, where Mayor Donna Maw, the Wightling First Resident, seems to have taken full control of the island and installed a puppet leader, Prime Minister Hugo Cobleigh, as nominal head of state. No-one at all thinks Tuskoles Yagaras of Lithico™ might be at the bottom of this somehow.

Ups And Downs
More Down Than Up

FA-Tax has confirmed that divisions are shrinking to eighteen from next season in an effort to reduce the demand on IFCF and FFI qualifiers. Not content with excluding IFCF teams from the TaxPokal cup competition, the powers that be will reduce the number of league games to 34. With the addition to the top flight of The Wight Rovers franchise for season 99, it means the coming season will offer only one automatic promotion to the top flight, with four automatic relegations. There will be an additional two teams from the top flight and four teams from Lig-2 who will compete in a relegation/promotion play-off series, with the winner taking a place in the top flight, the loser in Lig-2. That could mean up to a quarter of this season's Lig-1 sides could be in the second tier next season. There have been wild protests that this reshuffle should take place in the same season a new franchise team has been added, but that just seems to delight FA-Tax even more. The lower divisions will also resize to 18 to keep Commissioner Mert de Reeckonaere's symmetrical obsessions in check, meaning that a total of nine teams face relegation out of Lig-3. Where are they going? Why, to Lig-4 of course. SteuerLig will introduce a new bottom tier below the bottom tier to accommodate the nine, and will bring in another nine from the regionals. Works teams will not be permitted to join meaning the top three from each of the Southern League, OranjiLig and Bezirksliga will win a place in the new basement.

Jetpacks Optional
No, This Is Not More Winter Rules Insanity

After a long and unsuccessful discussion about parachute payments for teams relegated from the insanely lucrative top flight, SteuerLig Commissioner Mert de Reeckonaere has come up with a new omnishambolic idea which somehow got through voting and comes into effect from next season: the 'jetpack payment'. Designed with a half a mind to make sure franchise teams don't get immediately relegated, this is a pay-to-stay option: clubs can buy their way out of Lig-1 relegation by paying crazy money (₸x1b shillings), with a 20% non-refundable deposit down before last round of games; clubs in Lig-1 to vote after the last round on any application; 14 ayes will save the club, with the full amount having to be paid in 24 hours and the money distributed evenly between teams. If the club is in relegation play-offs the payment is delayed until relegation is confirmed; the deposit is lost if they win the relegation decider. The jetpack option can only be used once in a seven year cycle, and if more than one club applies, the vote will take into account preference order, with only one team permitted to take up the jetpack option. If the club pays to stay, the promotion play-off winner enters Lig-2 (either losing their promotion spot or being relegated despite winning if they were the relegation candidate). With the imminent restructure and mass relegations, the imposition of jetpack rules will not come in to effect until the end of season 99 (next season).

Hobblers
Bonesmen & Rifles Begin With Points Deductions

They love a good points deduction in the SteuerLig, with Tijhuis Archimedes and Axis Driessche among recent clubs to get hits which mattered (failing to win the title, and relegation, respectively). This season two more teams start the season at the bottom of the league with minus points totals, both of which were announced last season as part of cleaning up the player registration process. Boldsea FC, the franchise team in their debut season, should have had at least five Taxhavnites in their team (common to all clubs in the league) as part of 'Shop Local' rules, but registered only four, and lose three points as a result. In their defence they cited Deltic FC failing over three seasons to register the required amount of locals but were rebuffed. As a refugee team, Deltic were given five seasons to reach the Shop Local target and are officially on course to do so. Meanwhile another three points were deducted from OSA-Cyclista. The Rifles went one over the limit of foreign registrations, with six in their team for last season. They earned an additional two point deduction for aggravation, after claiming that their two Martin Rodenbergs signed from Chromatika were in fact one, when everyone knew it was two. So OSA will begin with a -5 point tally to overcome and that means anxiety all round with the bottom six involved in relegation this season.

Cosmopolative Easing
More Foreigners Allowed, Says Home Office

After news that OSA had overstocked on the foreigners in their team, the government department responsible for immigration recently reminded FA-Tax that millionaires, billionaires and yes even trillionaires are permitted in law to take up joint citizenship after five years, and are, furthermore, automatically counted as joint-nationals at this time whether they take up the passport or not. This means that any players who have been in the country for this period of time or more must not be considered 'foreigners' even if they retain their original nationality; the SteuerLig's 'Shop Local' rules do not apply in these cases. Clubs will be delighted to learn that the likes of Laurent Lapix, Flotilla Gaudin, Szilárd Forde, Mere Eljas Faliri and of course the mighty Aslak Hrafninnsson do not count against their foreign tallies, although the league has clarified they still do not count as a plus in the Shop Local column - the other ruling that says, as well as a maximum of five foreigners, there must be a minimum of five locals. The exception to all of this of course would be any players who do not meet the millionaire threshold, and will have to be resident in the country for fifteen years to be able to apply for 'Lesser Taxhavnite' status, and twenty-five years before they can apply for full citizenship. This is to prevent all the Panay, Visayan, and San Lazarussian domestic staff suddenly expecting full employment rights and tennis club memberships. But we're talking about SteuerLig footballers here, and they are at least millionaires the moment they sign their first contract with their club.

You're Not City Anymore
Court of Geography Rules Against Taxhavn City

In a landmark case brought by clubs who are looking for any excuse to ruin most-hated superclub Taxhavn City's day, the Court of Geography has concurred with the plaintiffs that using the name 'Taxhavn' in the club title has the potential to cause confusion, making people think there is a city in Taxhavn called Taxhavn, or that Taxhavn is just one big city with no other places (and by extension, no other clubs). Ridiculous as that may sound, the court could not find legal fault in the argument, and has declared that the club must change that part of it's name by the end of the coming season. In more bad news for the club, the City of St. Bernadine, also known as the Square Kilometre and the local authority that presides over the heart of the financial sector, has brought a pre-emptive cease and desist which will block the club from renaming to St. Bernadine City, where they are based. Early insider gossip suggests that the executive board will bring an appeal to the High Court of Geo-Etymology, which can overrule the Court of Geography, but are also preparing several rebranding ideas for market testing. Early candidates include Bernadine City United (although the use of City and United in the same name is considered somewhat contradictorially ridiculous in the local lingo), St. Bernadine Commanders (although Prime Minister Hugo Cobleigh calls this a 'dumb' name and says he will use executive powers to stop it, or throw the club out of town) and AAA St. Bernadine, inspired by the three clubs that merged to form Taxhavn City - Amateur, Athletic and Accountants. A competition to rename the club is also open and readers can TG in with their ideas.

Championship Play-Off
Goal Difference Will No Longer Decide Champions (Unless It Does)

A single goal difference advantage separated SteuerLig champions Orchideeën from runners-up FC Städeli last season, but that won't happen again. Under new regulations brought in for this season, if the title position is tied on points, a play-off at a neutral venue will be introduced to decide the outcome of the championship. And in the case of a very unlikely three-way tie, a single round-robin on neutral grounds, with each game going to extra time and penalties if needed to separate the teams, will conclude with the champion being the best of the three. In the event this is tied, deciding factors will be favouring teams that did not need extra time and penalties, and in the event there is still a tie, the league will admit defeat and revert to goal difference from the original league games followed by the descending order of tie-breakers in regular season.

Winter Wonder Why
New Silverware For Those That Care

Remember the Waterloo Cup? Most people don't, yet it's kind of a big deal for the likes of Standard Lily. They will play in the FFI Confederations Trophy this season because they won it, and would otherwise have missed out on interregional football. It's the formal name for the play-off competition for the four highest placed teams in the SteuerLig who miss out on IFCF qualification, and while everyone (in Taxhavn) watches on curiously to see who will make the tournament once won by OSA, most people forget it's called the Waterloo Cup... probably because it's named after a minor tournament in Wight and a famous mythological story in the former Prosaic Union of Gnejs. Well, now here's another one we're all laughing about right now and will forget in a few weeks - the SteuerLig is set to award 'The Winter Shield' to the team that is top of the league at the winter break. Now, if that team goes on to win the SteuerLig title, they won't really care about the shield. And if like Boldsea FC last season, that team goes on to blow the SteuerLig title, they won't really want to be reminded. So this seems like the lamest award since FA-Tax introduced the Wooden Spoon award for the individual who had the most forgettable season. Which was quietly dropped when all the headlines started coming in about how heading the ball might cause certain forms of dementia.

Inside Rights
Right Inside Zotteeik
Making only their second appearance in the top flight after a difficult one-season debut four years ago, it was the board's uncharacteristic appointment of Oberour head coach Denis Regnault last season that paved the way for promotion success. The oddball club - owned by stoic but eccentric timber merchant Bert Zurflüh - had not really held much with foreign types before, and it was a surprise to see Regnault drop a division from his long stint at Torbay Thunder in Kelssek. Bert is not known for his fiduciary frivolity but he must've put his hand deep into his pocket to persuade Regnault to come to the little club from Zuidern, in the Oranjestadt industrial sprawl. Bringing with him an impressive scouting book, eeek! brought in five foreign players from all around the regions including Darko Tonel from Squorn and Jonny Larsson from Chromatika, and the team went on to impress in the league for their second ever promotion behind the dominant Sturm Havn. Captain of the team is 34-year old one-club centre half Jurrian van den Barg, and the team has plenty of local talent still in the side, with an emphasis on the veterans - keeper Felix Morgan, 31; winger Ragnar Kross, 34; and Wightling striker Caddy Laws, an ever-youthful 37 making them one of the oldest squads in the top flight, with plenty of experience - those players were all there for the last tilt at Lig-1. Geerardt van Steelandt, Adriaen Baert, and Nan Smit represent the next generation of eeek!ers coming through from the youth sides, with the latter two also making promising appearances in the national team junior age groups. CEO Gil van Loon has been keen to reassure fans that while last time they got promoted they were shouting a lot about going on to be a power team in the league (embarrassing), this time they are taking a more realistic approach - survival is the first target.

by **Taxhavn** » Thu Oct 02, 2025 11:13 pm

Did Somebody Say 'Transfer Away'?
Things We Learned In The Transfer Window

Shakers win (again)

It's another record season in the SteuerLig gift shop as the clubs go wild with the spending - a total of ₸x617.65m Tax Shillings were spent on declared fees, several clubs broke their own club record transfer fee with Kierhuizen Boys breaking the domestic transfer record, the Taxhavnite record on the international transfer window, and shelling out the highest fee internationally for ten years. The Steelers were also the biggest spenders overall in the window, a whopping ₸x82m of investment as they try to get among the title-chasers, but with the knock-down sale of previous club record signing and mega-flop Tiaz, they don't win the window. According to KickAss-S, the soccer data crunchers, that honour goes to Old Shakerssens for the second season in a row, while Deltic FC are ranked the biggest losers - not something they are much used to.

TL;NGR

• Record ₸x617.65 million shillings spent in declared fees
• Eleven World Cup winners leave Deltic FC to return to The Valley, as well as the coach
• Kierhuizen Boys break all the records to sign a 30-year-old reserve goalkeeper
• Controversial youth star Ivo Gyll gets Lig-1 move to HPV
• Relegated Raven Thöni lose eight players, but hold on to their legends
• Delte superstar Enor Perro moves to star-studded Old Shakerssens
• Shakers doing the best business yet again, can they reflect it on the pitch?
• Striker Rik Dam still busted up from crashing his Tachyon 611 supercar into a sea wall
• Kelssek, Banija, Paradystopia and the MIR represented in SteuerLig for first time
• Orchideeën's beloved Polarian manager moves 'upstairs', Nurserymen recruit Vilitans to take charge

Regroup At The River
Deltic FC

Exiled by the dictatorship of the Rake Teinton Women's Institute that usurped the leadership of the Delte River Trust in the valley of the River Delte, starting the long and arduous Uncivil War there, the World Cup-winning Representatives came to Taxhavn as refugees. They formed a football club, gained entry to the SteuerLig with some very influential backers, won the league in the their first two seasons as well as the IFCF Challengers Cup and Super Cup, and were a beacon of hope for Delts everywhere escaping the yoke of Spinster Lunt and her xenphobic cronies. Back in the valley, inspired by the Delts original coach, Enda Clentin, who was almost killed in an assassination attempt, the stoic valleyfolk had finally had enough, rose up with pitchfork and tractor, and ousted the WI. After four terrible years, the Uncivil War was over. Delts around the world were called to home to help rebuild and replant the shattered valley. At Deltic FC, no less than eleven World Cup winning players and the head coach all answered the call and were permitted to cancel their contracts at the club to Regroup At The River, as the movement is called. Imagine losing that much talent? Keeper Steed Tombes, the Rothdaring brothers, iconic striker Danny Mastorqa, talismanic club captain and scorer of the decisive World Cup-winning goal Untto Squaker - all and more have gone home. The mastermind behind the win and the subsequent league dominance, head coach Mo Unden, has gone too, committed to the cause to regreen the valley. The club remains and will remain - Deltic financier and trillionaire Taite de Luntte, CEO of the club as well as the money behind the Regroup project back in the valley, has stated the team is here to stay, and will build back to greatness thanks to the impressive Tunn's Farm Academy and the inherent footballing superiority of the typical Deltic footballer. But it may take some time.

Reverso Of Fortunes
Kierhuizen Boys

One of the old Northern Giants of the game, after being expelled from the league for some unsavoury shenanigans in the board room and the marketing suite, The Steelers fought back from the bottom of the regional Oranji league to finally reach the top flight again, and in that time football in Taxhavn had changed dramatically, what with all the Tax Shillings and foreign players and the interregional football. Determined to restore themselves at the top of the game, The Boys have found the going much harder in Lig-1 than they imagined, and backed by the seemingly limitless fortune of car manufacturer and racing team owner Kier Spijkerhuis, they have been spending wildly in an attempt to compete with near-neighbours and thriving reigning champions Orchideeën. Until now it hasn't really worked as Kier would like - the team have not been able to break out of mid-table mediocrity and the interregional qualification places remain a glass ceiling the club seem unable to reach. Spending has grown, and grown more speculative too. Last season, while another ambitious club, Old Shakerssens, went out and signed four World Cup-winning Audioslavs, The Steelers gambled on Ipaneman beach footballer Tiaz, spending an eye-watering ₸x22m on the striker. He was rubbish, for want of a more accurate description. He's gone now and already forgotten. But Spijkerhuis remains undeterred, and smashed all the transfer records to sign the greatest goalkeeper you haven't heard of yet, Farv Custodio Reverso, from the Shango-Fogoa Premier League whipping boys turned powerhouse La + Querida. It's time, says Kier, to change things up at the Staalenstadion.

Gnome Skittle Rapscallion
HPV Waallen

Ivo Gyll signed off on a magnificent under-18s World Cup tournament for him personally with the winning goal in the final at the Stade de Pruxxé in Doubeia against Cardenao. The young McCunnald youth team striker came in to the tournament as a surprise back-up selection and was instantly thrust into the limelight with early withdrawals through injury of key attacking players Hadrien Six and Herman Kind. Top scorer and top assist-maker for the Centimes, his brilliant lob over Cardenao keeper Peacock Farrel seconds before the half-time whistle at the Pruxxé will enshrine his name in the history books of Taxhavn football as he secured the first ever trophy for a national team in Taxhavn. He was immediately flown back to SoccerLand, the national team development centre, to join with the Dimes squad then preparing for an appearance at the Di Bradini Under-21 World Cup in Valanora, and starred again as the debutants reached the knockout rounds. An instant starlet, it was difficult to see how second tier SteuerLig strugglers McCunnald would keep hold of him, even with the controversy swirling around him regarding the troupe of gnomes he allegedly hired for a celebratory party after winning the u18 World Cup. Sure enough, HPV Waallen came in for him during the summer, paying a highly speculative ₸x8m shillings for the boy. It's a good fit - developing a reputation for spotting raw talent and refining into classy players, the Heavies might just be the place for him to progress further. And to learn about how to stay out of trouble off the pitch.

Relegation Woes Deepen
Raven Thöni

The All-Blacks shocking decline into Lig-2 less than a decade after winning three titles in a row has been compounded by the inevitable exodus of players who think they deserve better football than what will be on offer next season, even though it was them who got Raven where they are today. Undoubtedly some of them are better than performances would indicate last season - particularly foreigners Sen Aix-Chaglau (AUP), Gabriel Leal and Alberto Giraud (both SNL) who all opted to exercise their relegation clauses and cancel their contracts. They are all set to remain in Taxhavn though, with attacking midfielder Aix-Chaglau signing for Boldsea, defensive midfielder Leal for BSSC, and striker Giraud for Academical. There will be a lot of angst over the loss of under-21 national team captain Ottaviano Falco to Septentriennes, while several of the 'Golden Generation' who were anything but - Nino Hottiger, Jodie Niederhauser, Odt van Borgerhout - won't be mourned; they failed to live up to the heavy pressure of the promise that Raven youth inherently carries and will try to build their careers elsewhere. It has not been an easy time for them. Despite everything, there are still reasons to celebrate - two Raven favourites opted to stay and for them, the legend status will deepen. Tikariotian veteran defender and club captain Dominic Eovaldi tore up his release clause, signed a new contract and has started his coaching badges with apparently every intention of staying at the club beyond his playing days. At 35, he says he can still play into his forties and will transition to player-coach over the next half decade. And the club has retained iconic national team centre-half Raphael Kaiser despite several very generous offers to prise him out of the club. Surely though, they will need to bounce straight back to keep him past this season.

Yet More World Cup Winners
Old Shakerssens

Collecting World Cup-winning heroes is becoming a bit of a pastime at the Shakers these days, as Johan Messerschmidt's new club swooped in to sign captain and hero of the Delte world championship side Enor Perro, the first professional footballer from the valley who, after a promising Baptism of Fire was signed by Farv giants Rülândéá Kôstä to become 'the only professional in the valley' as they called him back then. How things have changed. After a stint in the burning lands of Farfadillis he came to Taxhavn but defied expectations to sign for much-disliked 'superclub' Taxhavn City - their first marquee signing. Having got used to his status as 'most popular man in the valley' - even during the Uncivil War - he perhaps found it uncomfortable to be thrust into the leadership role at the island's 'most hated', and never really thrived there. Getting a move to Old Shakerssens for what many would consider a knock-down price - in this day and age - of ₸x19m shillings, he will join the four World Cup-winning Audioslavs at the Shakers and is appointed club captain with the surprise move away of club legend Lorin Müngers. With the mass exodus from Deltic FC, Old Shakerssens now match them as having the most NSWC winners medals in the dressing room - five - and they must surely show some progress toward their ambitions this season after another mid-table finish last time around. The Audioslavs have bedded in, they are perhaps getting used to attacking football philosophies (only Denzel Keegan really seemed to get it last time around), they now have Enor Perro as well as Taxhavn national teamers Florijs van Aysma and Christiaan van der Riet (signed from Taxhavn City and FC Städeli respectively) and they won the transfer window for the second season in a row. Let's not forget they also got Johan Messerschmidt, considered the island's best head coach, away from HPV - something almost every top club tried and failed to do. This has to be their year, doesn't it?

Rik Dam Walking
Taxhavn City

A year ago one of Taxhavn's most prolific and most loved strikers was pulled out of the wreckage of a Tachyon 611 Goldleaf supercar after hitting a sea wall on the Golden Boot Bridge. He was more than half dead - witnesses at the scene couldn't believe he still appeared to have all his appendages attached, given the state of the car and the speed prior to a sudden halt. The outlook was grim, and as they placed him in an induced coma a shaman of the Shambolic Tradition was called in to give him the last rites. A month later, surprisingly emerging from the coma with steely determination, the rock'n'roll striker and cult hero of Taxhavn City and the national team announced he would be back in training by the end of the season. Perhaps he was being optimistic, probably it was some of that typical Rik Dam bravado. He missed his deadline of course, but is pleased to announce to the world that he has at least been discharged from the clinic after learning how to breathe on his own and how to walk again. He's not giving up on football, he says, and promises to be back in training by the end of this season. Optimism or bravado, his club are supporting him - his contract runs for another two seasons and City have confirmed they are fully committed to honouring it, having complete faith in their legendary striker to make a full return. Plus the insurance is covering it. But that's not the point - we none of us have heard the last of Rik Dam is the point. Because Dam. As they say in football circles.

First Nationals
Players Of The Multiverse

Every season graphic designers at the SteuerLig's marketing department have to borrow new flags from the Tikariotian image server FLGur, as foreigners from increasingly far away are signed to Taxhavnite clubs with multiversal ambitions. This season welcomes nationals from four new nations, including two of the football giants - Kelssek and Banija. It is a sign of the increasing profile of the world's number two-ranked league that they can attract footballers from some of the most respected leagues in the history of the game. Mark Ravelli (KSK) and Lalo Ceesay (BNJ) will come to reigning champions Orchideeën to compete with last season's Golden Ball and Golden Boot winner Jeroen Blenkers for the striker positions at Plantation Field, and they are two of the most exciting signings from abroad in recent years, right up there with Old Shakerssens four Audioslav World Cup winners and the extraordinary Pasargans - Lehel Komáromy at Taxhavn City and Tétény Csorba at Tijhuis Archimedes. Not to mention all the Delts knocking around the league (although many have gone home this summer). But that's not all - I think we really need to watch out for newly-promoted Sturm Havn's new midfield signing Leonard Lugga, all the way from Paradystopia, who could be one of the best unheralded signings of the window. And finally, completing the quad of new nationals, and also coming into The Cyclones, is leftback JJ Norton, another that experts have raised an eyebrow about. They arrived from Mars, would you believe. Or the Martian Independent Republic, which sounds very Elon Musk 2225... whatever that means.

Top ten transfers by value
								To:			₸xm.
GK	Custodio Reverso (FFD)	30	La + Querida (FFD)	Kierhuizen Boys		39
ML	Rai Mazzanti (TAM*)	29	TTAD (TAM*)		Kierhuizen Boys		24
DM	Ottaviano Falco		22	Raven Thöni		Septentriennes		22
GK	Jon Moe	(BSE*)		23	Old Shakerssens		Standard Lily		22
ST	Oriol Hernández	(TAM*)	24	Tannu Tiva RK (BEO*)	Taxhavn City		19.5
DM	Enor Perro (DLT*)	29	Taxhavn City		Old Shakerssens		19
GK	Florijs van Aysma	29	Taxhavn City		Old Shakerssens		18.5
DL	Jurrijn op Sonnebeld	25	Orchideeën		Taxhavn City		14
ST	Caspar Kinderman (PIS)	25	Orchideeën		De Tike FC		12
AM	Tiaz (IPN*)		24	Kierhuizen Boys		Horsa Bold (BEO*)	12

Ten other key transfers
								To:			₸xm.
DL	Jan-Bart ten Cate	22	Fortuna Städeli		Orchideeën		9
ST	Ivo Gyll		18	McCunnald		HPV Waallen		8
MR	Christiaan van der Riet	31	FC Städeli		Old Shakerssens		8
ST	Danté (TEQ*)		31	Sparta Misión (TAM*)	Sturm Havn		8
GK	Hermannus Roe		28	Motor Waallen		Deltic FC		7.5
DM	Lorin Müngers		31	Old Shakerssens		Orchideeën		7.5
DL	Enda Iodyne (DLT*)	26	Montreal City (QUE)	Deltic FC		6
ST	Mark Ravelli (KSK)	23	Sitka Valley (KSK)	Orchideeën		5.3
ST	Lalo Ceesay (BNJ)	26	Club Valanora (VAL)	Orchideeën		3
DC	Ernő Szesfi (FFD)	20	Club Valanora (VAL)	FC Städeli		1.5

Major undisclosed value moves
								To:
MR	Gennady Tikhokhod (PYA)	21	Stadler Works		FC Städeli
ST	Max Lafont (TJU)	19	Stadler Works		FC Städeli
MR	Leonard Lugga (PDT)	23	AC Urbsclav'd. (PDT)	Sturm Havn

Delts Regroup at The River
								To:
GK	Steed Tombes (RRP*)	36	Deltic FC		Ageness Coopers (DLT*)
ST	Hennequin Perdu	(RRP*)	33	Deltic FC		Ageness Coopers (DLT*)
DC	Olddar Rothdaring	36	Deltic FC		Askirk Rangers (DLT*)
DR	Raggar Rothdaring	29	Deltic FC		Askirk Rangers (DLT*)
GK/C	Beltane Chattiard	31	Deltic FC		Coach - Tunn's Farm Academy
MR	Tai Tunnyo		27	Deltic FC		Burye Deltic (DLT*)
DC	Untto Squaker		42	Deltic FC		Oswark Town (DLT*)
DR	Perran Garimund		29	Deltic FC		Oswark United (DLT*)
ST	Danny Mastorqa		32	Deltic FC		Oswark United (DLT*)
GK	Osward Ess		30	Deltic FC		Sullenden Parish Rovers (DLT*)
AM	Kal Rayler		26	Deltic FC		Ughmirren FC (DLT*)
ML	Ardrake Steng		36	Septentriennes		Ughmirren FC (DLT*)
DC	Cheddar Rothdaring	31	Old Shakerssens		Askirk Rangers (DLT*)
ST	Tai Cerotha		31	De Tike FC		North Pacific FC (DLT*)

Major free transfers
								To:
AM	Sen Aix-Chaglau	(AUP)	27	Raven Thöni		Boldsea FC
DM	Gabriel Leal (SNL)	22	Raven Thöni		BSSC Driessche
ML	Manuel Corbelli	(OSS)	29	Motor Waallen		Septentriennes
ST	Alberto Giraud (SNL)	24	Raven Thöni		St. B Academical
DC 	Aseante Fakatokaga TJU	20	Old Shakerssen		Westfield Wanderers (KAT)

Key contract renewals

DC	Isaac de Wale		24	Taxhavn City		+4 seasons
DC	Siméon Dix-Sept	(RRP*)	28	Deltic FC		+5
DC	Sal Grazioli (OSS)	25	Orchideeën		+5
DM	Ko Horsman		27	Orchideeën		+5
ST	Ang Bao Kana (FFD)	23	Standard Lily		+5	
ML	Arrigo Napoleoni	25	FC Städeli		+6
ST	Jesse Akuchi (ZGA*)	25	FC Städeli		+3		
GK	Morten Gallis (AUP)	28	Tijhuis Archimedes	+4
DC	Aenbo Aogo (KOR)	26	Tijhuis Archimedes	+6
MR	Davie Wiltshire (TKT)	21	Tijhuis Archimedes	+2		
DL	Jonas Spori		26	Septentriennes		+2
AM	Luis Glücki		29	Septentriennes		+2
ST	Rollo Heron		27	Septentriennes		+5
ST	Aleksander Vivić (SAT)	19	St. B Academical	+2
DL	Florens Klein Stroek	30	Kierhuizen Boys		+3
DR	Hugh Radley		32	Boldsea FC		+4
DM	Colan Avocet (BSE*)	24	Boldsea FC		+4
DM	Sebastian Ortmark (NRH)	21	OSA Cyclista		+4

Manager Merry-Go-Round
You're Only As Good As Your Last Game

Off-Season Manager Moves

Delightfully handsome head coach Nino Hämmerli couldn't get a tune out of the galacticos of Old Shakerssens last season and paid the price, but he's soon back in work and you'd have to say he's a pretty exciting addition at De Tike FC, while he's replaced at The Shakers by the most highly-rated coach on the island in Johan Messerschmidt. If he can't bring the good times to Jacquemaux, who could? Meanwhile the two champions who have ruled the league for the last four seasons are both facing unwanted managerial changes, as Deltic FC and Orchideeën both start the season with new set-ups. Deltic will be rueing the day they let assistant Seamus Awton head off to manage Tijhuis Archimedes, as his planned succession at The Exiles was cancelled and then World Cup-winning head coach Mo Unden decided to join the exodus back to the Valley where they are calling home their people to rebuild after the Uncivil War. Senior coach Davey Tinnalt, untested at this level, replaces him. At Orchideeën they had been expecting Polarian Madars Kielman to retire to the boardroom and already had a surprising plan up their sleeve to replace him - a Vilitan Plan. Former Mar Sara FC and Tijhuis Archimedes midfielder Sami Samiii, recently coaching at The Owls, switches over to their great rivals Orchideeën to join Reino Kononen, another Vilitan star and retired keeper who had played at Soldarian FC in Valanora, Raven Thöni and Orchideeën before hanging up his golves to coach for the Nurserymen. He bcomes Sami's assistant in a Vilitan one-two, a leftfield move from Plantation Field that nobody saw coming.

Key Moves On The Merry-Go-Round
• Head Coach Mo Unden (DLT*) to regroup at the river, leaving Deltic FC, taking charge at Oswark Town
• Senior Coach Davey Tinnalt (DLT*) promoted to Head Coach at Deltic FC
• Head Coach Madars Kielman (PIS) retires to boardroom at Orchideeën
• Coach Sami Samiii (VIL) leaves Tijhuis Archimedes to become surprise Head Coach at Orchideeën
• Goalkeeper Coach Rino Kononen (VIL) promoted to Samiii's assistant at Orchideeën
• Ex-Urban Irminger young Head Coach Sébastien Menager recruited by HPV, hires Koen Koekendaal (ex-OSA) as assistant
• Head Coach Nino Hämmerli joins De Tike FC, & promotes Christian Meddler (USO*) as assistant
• Former FC Städeli Head Coach Sanno Walder returns to club as Director of Football, replacing controversial Horatio Limit
• Horatio Limit becomes the Director of Football at future franchise club The Wight Rovers
• Unemployed Head Coach Jovin Strähl returns to relegated Raven Thöni after two seasons away

Inside Rights
Right Inside Zotteeik
After a big recruitment drive last season, fans at oddball club eeek! might have beeen expecting big reinforcements again this season with survival in Lig-1 the target. Everyone knew of course that head coach Denig Regnault and Director of Football Dietrich Lux, fresh in from Motor Waallen, had already filled their foreign player allowance the previous season and would not be recruiting from the international transfer window. But with relegated Raven Thöni and Lux's old club Motor shedding players all over the place, you couldn't say there was a shortage of available manpower with the top flight on the horizon. The board though have surprised everyone - not least their own fans, disconcertingly - by mostly settling for what they've got and putting faith in the team that got them up. Two veteran strikers in Isak Eberhard from Academical and Rolf Brecknock from HPV, both 32, are very astute moves for sure, both able to get goals and in Eberhard a player who is used to scoring in a team that are usually fighting for survival. Their early arrivals at the club for a combined fee of around ₸x10m had fans excited but after that, activity tailed off. FC Städeli's back-up left back Andrae Kocher, 27, arrived for a nominal fee and that was just about that. They are a bit underwhelmed. But in coach Regnault they seem to have a man who can weave some magic and the board, if not so much the fans, are confident of a good season. Which is lucky - because we'll be there with the cameras to watch it all play out. Are we sensing blood, sweat, tears and furious recriminations of the board for failing to do their jobs? Well, that TV isn't it? Making dramas out of crises?

The Wide Enness Ocean
The key to Wightling puppetry
* Nationalities marked with an asterisk are part of the Wightling Commonwealth:

AAN  Aaan		HUI  Huaite 		NYY  Namayyan			SOY  Soyo
AUR  Auronne		HVM  Hvammstang		OSM  Osmania			TAM  Tamarindia
BBS  Barbary Salé 		IDM  Íle de Martín		PLV  Palava			TEQ  Tequilo
BEO  Beomark		IPN  Ipanema		POI  Poix			TRQ  Terraque
BOH  Bohobe 		JLA  Jelah		PSI  Portsea & Spice Islands	URQ  Uraqq		
BSE  Bonesea		KKA  Kukalaya		RRP  République Rivière		USO  Usorno		
CMU  Chímu		MAK  Makongo		RSG  Royal Saxe-Gotha	  	WGT  Wight	
COS  Costelloa 		MNO  Monozygotia		RXX  Rosicruxxia			XIN  Xindao	
CRN  Cernan 		MPK  Malproksimen		SCG  Scéalta Grinn			ZGA  Zenega	 
DLT  Delte		MUS  Mustardy		SCY  Scythia			ZZR  Zykotik Zoviet Republicz	
HSP  Hispanola		NIB  Nibelunga		SLT  Saltern Island		

OOC  The Wightling Commonwealth, of which Taxhavn is also a member, is the commonwealth of Wightling puppets.
OBV.

by **Taxhavn** » Sat Oct 04, 2025 10:35 pm

Season Preview Part One
Season '98

The ninety-eighth season of football on the Isle is here! How will it pan out? This is what we think here at TAX Magazine, your favourite journal for tax matters, banking, insurance, tax, investment, tax, pensions, tax and football. And tax.

TL;NGR

Title Contenders: Septentriennes, Orchideeën, Old Shakerssens
IFCF Challengers: HPV Waallen, FC Städeli, Tijhuis Archimedes, Boldsea FC
Best Of The Rest: Deltic FC, Kierhuizen Boys, Standard Lily
Midtablemanships: St. Gight's Albion, De Tike FC, Taxhavn City
Look Out, Fellas: Sturm Havn, Zotteeik, Benson Foxes
Four Out of Four: BSSC Driessche, OSA-Cyclista, Fortuna Städeli, St. Bernadine Academical

The Contenders

It's almost the kiss of death for a team's title hopes when we here at TAX Magazine predict who will become the next champion of the SteuerLig, but we've got to go for somebody and this year we're picking Septentriennes. While Old Shakerssens won the transfer window with an impressive raid on Taxhavn City to steal away their national team goalkeeper Floris van Aysma and World Cup winning midfielder Enor Perro, not to mention attracting the best manager in the league in Johan Messerschmidt to their temporary home at Jacquemeux, they may still face the problem of having too many superstars in one dressing room. Meanwhile reigning champions Orchideeën had a fairly quiet window, and while they did attract Kelsseki striker Mark Ravelli as well as Banijan Lalo Ceesay to Plantation Field, they also lost key front man Casper Kinderman, the Polarian wanting away just as he seemed to be reaching his potential as one of the top strikers in the division. Ravelli and Ceesay may take a while to bed in, and that could cost the Nurserymen crucial points in the race for the title. That leaves perennial bridesmaids Septentriennes. The Bankers surely have to get their time in the sun soon, don't they? Like Orchideeën they did not make huge waves in the transfer window but what they did do was sign two proven quality midfielders in Ottaviano Falco and Ossidiacquan Manuel Corbelli who they know will hit the ground runnning, and with the expected return of talisman Georg Bardo from last seasons long term injury, they might just have enough this season to go one better and actually win something for a change... or not. But we think they will.

Favourite for the title: Septentriennes

The Challengers

With Orchideeën and Old Shakerssens expected to be in the title mix, there are a whole clutch of clubs in the chasing pack looking for a place in the remaining IFCF spots including that one remaining Champions League place, which we think could well fall to HPV Waallen. Even though they lost the man who has turned them into a force to be reckoned with - Johan Messerschmidt switching to The Shakers - this is a club that recruits brilliantly at every level, including the head coach. They went with young Sebastian Menager, who guided tiny Urban Irminger into the top flight and although they went straight down, they did so fighting, and Menager won over a lot of admirers. On top of that they have nabbed wonderkid Ivo Gyll after his blow-away performances in the under-18 and under-21 World Cups, and brought home a Taxhavnite striker from the Wide Enness Ocean who has never played domestically but could be sensational - Vincent Baar arriving to pair up with Gouvanarchais star Carloto Desmonceaux in what could be one of the most exciting pairings in the league. Behind them expect the usual suspects of Tijhuis Archimedes, well coached by Seamus Awton and now fully recovered from a relegation scare of a couple seasons back, to fight with two teams that both feel they blew the title last season - FC Städeli and Boldsea FC. Städeli really did blow it, being in the winning position going into the final game and just needing a point at OSA who had nothing to play for, and losing. For Boldsea, in their debut season as a new franchise, it was a case of leading the league almost from the start, and dropping off badly enough in the final quarter that they even missed out on Champions League qualification in a four-team grouping. Both sides would like to feel they can reach or improve on last season's levels, but the teams we've already mentioned have all been more active and more successful in the transfer window, so that will be a challenge.

The Rest

It's going to be a tough season for Deltic FC by their usual standards as they are right in the middle of a dramatic rebuild, having lost their iconic coach and eleven of their best players. For many teams this might spell relegation woes, but the Exiles have so much quality even in the remainder of the squad, together with some astute young signings in the likes of Adam Gallier and Christopher Shotbolt, that they certainly won't have to worry about that. And bringing Enda Iodyne back from the Q-League really was a coup. All in all, they should have no worries but it will be a tough call to maintain their 100% IFCF qualification. More likely they'll fall just outside, along with Kierhuizen Boys who, despite their insane financial investment, still look well short on depth. They'll have their moments, no doubt, but coach Nanko Kijk in 't Veld will be worrying about his boss' lack of patience. Too many marquee signings and not enough foundation is the problem at the Steelers. Another fading star in this group is Standard Lily, who have the opposite problem to Kierhuizen - they don't spend anything at all if they can help it. The surprise appointment of Indussian veteran coach Joseph Motuedi has caught everyone off guard, but how that works out is anyone's guess at this point.

In mid-table, you have to say newly-promoted St. Gight's Albion have recruited brilliantly, and might be one of few bottom-half teams not to have much to worry about this season. De Tike FC also, criminally underperforming over years in the SteuerLig, might finally be looking upward with the appointment of Nino Hämmerli as head coach, who may have got the sack at Old Shakerssens for failing to make a whole bunch of World Cup winners win anything in Taxhavn - but he did get them there in the first place, and he built the expectation at the club even if he didn't get enough time to fulfill it. Watch him thrive at the Tikestadion. And while we're on criminal underachievement, note we haven't even mentioned Taxhavn City - Champions League qualifiers and cup winners the season before. What is going on there? With legal bills to pay, a crushing defeat in the Court of Geography, the loss of Rik Dam to terrible injury and some really surprising fire sales of top players like Florys van Aysma and Enor Perro, they look like a season of mediocrity is upon them.

With an incredible six teams all involved in potential relegation this season, a lot of clubs will be looking nervously over their shoulder from the start. Newly promoted sides Sturm Havn and Zotteeik may have been confident in previous seasons that they would be good enough to hold on to their places in the division, but under these new conditions they join OSA-Cyclista, Benson Foxes and BSSC Driessche in worrying that it will take too much to save themselves; while Fortuna and Academical, it feels, may as well give up now. But then we say that about the Scholars every season - can they continue to defy the odds? We think not...

Favourites for relegation: St. Bernadine Academical

Inside Rights
Right Inside Zotteeik
Fans Grimly Resigned To Struggles Ahead

Football tourist and Gnejsian dog-walker Karl-Johan Vaasa (63) and his good friend Knut Svensson (65) and his dog Hardly-Knut have come to watch eeek! in a pre-season match against non-league VVV Slagharen, and they aren't impressed with what they are seeing.

« Oh my, » exclaims Karl-Johan as the home side concede an early penalty, « and this is supposed to be a friendly! »

« Rolf! » grumbles Hardly-Knut, the Gnejsian rock terrier, who does enjoy a day at the football, but isn't seeing much here to excite him.

« You're right, Hardly, » agrees Karl-Johan, « they don't look like they are ready for a big season in the top flight, and like you I would be surprised if they don't finish in the bottom one or two. »

« Mmmmf, » adds Knut, with his mouth full.

« Rolff, rolfff! » complains Hardly-Knut. He's not impressed that Knut isn't sharing his beef and ale pie. The crispy, light pastry! The soft, pulled beef filling! The dark malty sauce, the steam, the mustardy aromas!

« That's true, » agrees Karl-Johan, who already wolfed his down, « if the league were based on pies alone, eeeeek! would easily be in the top half. »

« Mrrrr, rolffffrolffffrolffff! »

« Too many e's in eeeeeeek! you say, Hardly? »

« Rolfffff! »

« Mmmmmf, mmmmf, » observes Knut.

« Fair enough, eeek! it is then, » concedes Karl-Johan, « I thought it was sort of a flexible thing depending on how you felt. My mistake - this Taxhavnish is a compicated language, still trips me up every now and then. »

The VVV Slagharen striker easily dispatches the penalty.

« Rolffffff, » says Hardly-Knut.

« Indeed, Hardly. Not nearly as komplizieren as Seebergundian. »

by **Taxhavn** » Sun Oct 26, 2025 3:47 am

Season Preview - Part 2: The Squad Summaries
Star player highlighted

TL;NGR

• All the clubs
• All the kits
• All the badges
• All the players
• All the expectations
• All the odds
• Some other useful stuff, maybe

.

The Nurserymen
Always hark back to better times and their singular nine-in-a-row title achievement

Home Ground: Plantation Field, Maartenstadt (capacity 64,800)
Main Rivals: Tijhuis Archimedes, Kierhuizen Boys, Taxhavn City
Last five seasons: 9th| 1st | 5th | 2nd | 1st

Kit Supplier: Patch Clothing
Main Sponsor: Patch (sportswear manufacturer)

Head Coach: Sami Samiii (VIL), 38, new appointment
First XI:
Geo van Ghent, 23
Jan-Bart ten Cate, 22
V.W. Kamperman, 27
Aslak Hrafninnsson, 32 (PIS) - Captain
Sal Grazioli, 25 (OSS)
Ko Horsman, 27
Henry van Bloys, 28
Valentin Fey, 29
Maximilien Laminien, 29 (KOR)
Mark Ravelli, 23 (KSK)
Jeroen Blenkers, 30

Major Signings: Lalo Ceesay (BNJ), Mark Ravelli (KSK), Jan-Bart ten Cate, Lorin Müngers
Major Transfers Out: Jan Lazoe, Caspar Kinderman (PIS), Jurrijn op Sonnebeld

First team squad: Maerten van Ghent, Christian Roberts (INS), Joshua Tanga (ZGA*), Bernnt Graven, Kelvin Bisgaard-Hagen (PIS), Ronan Troy (SCG*), Lorin Müngers, Tommie Wilye (SLT*), Harrie Arendsen, Marco van Conincxloo, Arnold Darley, Albie Blind, Arda Krumins (SRS), Lalo Ceesay (BNJ)

The reigning champions made some major squad changes, both in and out, as they look to keep things fresh on the park - the signings of strikers Lalo Ceesay and in particular Mark Ravelli catching the eye, whilst it was a surprise to see Jurrijn op Sonnebeld leave the club - sold, apparently, with a contract renewal becoming a bit of a dispute. But the big news is in the dugout, with their beloved Polarian manager Madars Kielman, 61, fulfilling his promise to vacate the post in favour of moving 'upstairs' where he becomes part of the club hierarchy. He was something of an unknown quantity when he arrived from Scheveningen in the Valhallan Union, but proved to be their greatest coach since the nine-in-a-row days of Arnaud Slatman and Justin Herring. The Nurserymen go again with a foreign gamble, and it's a fascinating one - bringing together two former Vilitan refugee players, thrown out of Valanora during the Crystalakergate Affair, and played out their days before going into coaching - Sami Samiii and Reino Kononen teaming up to begin the next era. It's a risk, but the general feeling is that this will be exciting.

Betting: 93.4/2nd

.

The Frigates
Emerging as a dominant team in the modern era, but now with added rivals

Home Ground: Städeli Arena, Städeli (capacity 52,775), groundshare with Stadler Works
Main Rivals: Taxhavn City, Standard Lily, Raven Thöni
Last five seasons: 2nd | 2nd | 3rd | 6th | 2nd

Kit Supplier: Natty kit.
Main Sponsor: Natty kit. (Nk.)

Head Coach: Magnus Rüfenacht, 54, 1 season
First XI:
Wulsi Huchenson, 30
Vagn Kreitner, 25 (PIS)
Christian Holter, 25 (PIS)
Ernő Szesfi, 20 (FFD)
Töbe Aerle, 26
Benno Tschaggeny, 29
Tudor Nelmoe, 22 (DLT*)
Matt Andreas, 30 (KRY)
Zelesão, 23 (TEQ*)
Jesse Akuchi, 25 (ZGA*)
Zubi Zuberbühler, 31 - Captain

Major Signings: Ernő Szesfi (FFD)
Major Transfers Out: Christiaan van der Riet, Ado van Sambix

First team squad: Elterhad der-Stoiuben (EDS), Voulo Michaux, Arpinho (TAM*), Javan Rye (WGT*), Ton Masseus, Hagar Morris (DLT*), Sam Roddard (DLT*), Arrigo Napoleoni, Gennady Tikhokhod (PYA), Maalik Cairo (dual CRN-TAX), Aäron Lemmens, Max Lafont (TJU), Henry Gérald, HH Stone (WGT*)

The Frigates surprised everyone, not least their own fans, by almost winning the title last season. It really feels like one of the Big Three are back, while the other two are languishing (Standard approaching mid-table mediocrity and Raven just relegated). They have an exciting squad that seems to be taking shape - a shape that no-one could see under the frustrating reign of eccentric Wightling Director of Football Horatio Limit. But now he's moved on, the plan starts to become visible - and head coach Magnus Rüfenacht is in the form of his life. Transfer activity was minimal as The Frigates mostly draw on their talented reserves to step up - Tudor Nelmoe, Zelesão and Aäron Lemmens - whilst bringing in more youngsters from their affiliate feeder Stadler Works - Gennady Tikhokhod and Max Lafont. Their big signing in the window was a 20-year old, Farv wingback Ernő Szesfi, so they are coming into the season refreshed and strengthened by youth. It might be too much to expect another title challenge immediately, but Frigates fans are feeling optimistic again.

Betting: 84.2/5th

.

The Bankers
A one-time giant of the game in danger of becoming perennial runners-up

Home Ground: Sept-Nat Stadion, St. Bernadine (capacity 48,000)
Main Rivals: Taxhavn City, FZK-Amstell, OSA Cyclista
Last five seasons: 15th | 3rd | 2nd | 3rd | 3rd

Kit Supplier: GuileTek
Main Sponsor: Banque Sept-Nat

Head Coach: Anaïs Aescher, 53, 2 seasons
First XI:
Barnaby Flexney, 25
Jonas Spori, 26
Arthur Lockton, 22
Hibiskus Andersson, 30 (PUG)
Martin Ebersold, 28 - Captain
Ottaviano Falco, 22
Manuel Corbelli, 29 (OSS)
Louis D'Aupalice, 27 (AUP)
Luis Glücki, 29
Rollo Heron, 27
Georg Bardo, 34 (PUG)

Major Signings: Manuel Corbelli (OSS), Ottaviano Falco
Major Transfers Out: Ermine Everkin & Ardrake Steng (both DLT*)

First team squad: Nazim Ramnarine (TEQ*), Muntaga Toë (ZGA*), Xose Peredo (TEQ*), Facundo Grosso (TER), Andre Ringger, Carsten Könneker (GOH), Ronnie Walberg (BEO*), Arvid Hendriksen (BEO*), Atreju Ringger, Jann Heinkel, Ezra de Nage (DLT*), Tristan Featherstone (TKT)

Until recently overtaken by Orchideeën, the Bankers were the most decorated club in Taxhavn but after bouncing back from a period of decline, they have threatened to become the great bridesmaid club of the day - missing out narrowly to both the Nurserymen and Deltic FC in league and interregional competitions. But under Lig-1's first and so far only female head coach, Septentriennes continue to improve year on year, and after missing key striker Georg Bardo for almost the entire of last season through serious injury woes, he comes back into the fold refreshed, and despite his age promises to still be a huge handful for the league. They have added strongly in midfield this season with eye-catching signings of two of the best in the league in Manuel Corbelli and Ottavio Falco, and with plenty of experience throughout the side, this looks to be their best chance yet to bring home a long overdue trophy or two. With Orchideeën and especially Deltic FC in rebuild mode, they really can't afford to wait much longer for the big prizes.

Betting: 96.4/1st

.

The Triple-A
The superclub project - three teams merged into one, should be unstoppable

Home Ground: The Athletic Ground, St. Bernadine (capacity 62,000)
Main Rivals: Deltic FC, Septentriennes, FC Städeli
Last five seasons: - | - | 12th | 4th | 4th

Kit Supplier: Boxer Sports
Main Sponsor: Grupo Taxhavn

Head Coach: Hubie Kramer (DLT*), 56, 2 seasons
First XI:
Denis Olabarria, 27 (ASG)
Ilhicamina, 26 (TEQ*)
Evela-Gavax Den, 25 (Dual BRH-QUS)
Nathaniel Stone, 25
Isaac de Wale, 24 - Captain
Archie Ruggles-Pompey Jr., 23 (WGT*)
Lehel Komáromy, 33 (PAS)
Flotilla Gaudin, 23 (EFL)
Harri Kass, 24 (MPK*)
Szilárd Forde, 23 (EFL)
Oriol Hernández, 24 (TAM*)

Major Signings: Jurrijn op Sonnebeld, Denis Olabarria (ASG), Oriol Hernández (TAM*)
Major Transfers Out: Enor Perro (DLT*), Florijs van Aysma, Aart Hogeveen

First team squad: Kett Harte, Swain Cardiff, Jurrijn op Sonnebeld, Bala Keita (ZEN*), Ruven Von Mühlenen, Sebastian Åberg (CMT), Dan Elda (DLT*), Aryaen Gallier, Hans Hengst, Oswyn Hakebourne, Nigel Avery, Teemu Karelyi (SRS), Toltecatl (TEQ*)

The 'superclub' who have improved year on year to become Champions League qualifiers and TaxPokal winners are facing a hard season this time around. The huge loss of three instrumental players in the transfer window - how can anyone let Enor Perro go? - and the injury of top signing Jurrijn op Sonnebeld in one of his first training sessions, meaning he is likely out for the season, will make last season's happy days a tough act to follow. Add the mounting exterior noise on multiple legal fronts, the financial worries from fighting in the courts, uncertainty over head coach Hubie Kramer who almost skipped over to rivals Deltic FC before making an unconvincing commitment to the Triple-A, and you have a worrisome time ahead. Apart from the injured op Sonnebeld, the recruitment does not appear to have matched the sales at the club, even though their is a ripple of anticipation about Astograthi free signing and replacement keeper Denis Olabarria. But does he match national teamer Florijs van Aysma, who decided enough was enough and skipped over to the galacticos team at Old Shakerssens? Probably not.

Betting: 62.9/13th

.

The Bonesmen
A new franchise giant takes a bow - they have deep links to the home country; should help.

Home Ground: Curlew Park, von Arnold Island (capacity 41,875)
Main Rivals: The Wight Rovers, Taxhavn City, Deltic FC
Last five seasons: - | - | - | - | 5th

Kit Supplier: Boxer Sports
Main Sponsor: Curlew Inc. (ship builders)

Head Coach: Mosey Ackanard (BSE*), 63, 1 season
First XI:
Thijs Nijen Haas, 28
Scala Foundry, 29 (BSE*)
Eufemio La Franchi, 30 (CMT)
Jan Lazoe, 20
Eric Ongaro, 34 (TKT) - Captain
Colan Avocet, 24 (BSE*)
Eindridd Bodensson, 23 (BSE*)
Saito Maki, 24 (QUE)
Sen Aix-Chaglau, 27 (AUP)
Pablo Roâ, 32 (TEQ*)
Merewin Barker, 28

Major Signings: Eufemio La Franchi (CMT), Merewin Barker, Jan Lazoe, Sen Aix-Chaglau (AUP)
Major Transfers Out: -

First team squad: Telamon Hellesveor (BSE*), Lupine Knutsson (BSE*), Carantoc Carbine (BSE*), Hugh Radley, Aiden Fonston (BSE*), Varrius Trevarrick (BSE*), Rubén Tejerina (Dual TER-TAX), KL MacIlland (BSE*), Arthur De Saint-Pierre, Vince De Mulder, Eneas Suárez (TAM*), Omar Zanhuesa (TAM*), Oscar Boston-Coxford (BSE*), Lucceio Gretehede (BSE*)

A stunning first season ended in a dramatic loss of form in the final straight as the Bonesmen blew the title and even missed out on a Champions League place. They will go again with some serious recruitment in place, particularly the signings of Jan Lazoe and Auprussian national teamer Sen Aix-Chaglau, but they'll also be handicapped by a points deduction for failing to meet Shop Local rules, having only four Taxhavnites in their league squad last season. They have remedied that with the signings of Lazoe and more than half decent striker Merewin Barker, but the deducation stands, and that will make life a little more difficult for cheeky chappy head coach Mosey Ackanard. Add on a raft of media punditry contracts he has apparently signed after impressing in post-match commentaries last season, and perhaps he won't have both eyes on the ball. Either way, it looked like clubs had started to work out his fast attacking tactics last season and he will need to put in a little bit more steel at the back - that's what Jab Lazoe is in for - if they are to compete. Look for another good interregional placement, but probably not the surprising title challenge they put in last time.

Betting: 79.0/7th

.

The Owls
Desperate to remind everyone they are as big as anyone in Taxhavn

Home Ground: Oranjestadt Arena, Oranjestadt (capacity 71,000, largest in Taxhavn)
Main Rivals: Orchideeën, Kierhuizen Boys, De Tike FC
Last five seasons: 4th | 4th | 7th | 17th | 6th

Kit Supplier: GuileTek
Main Sponsor: Tevreden (ship construction)

Head Coach: Seamus Awton (DLT*), 51, 1 season
First XI:
Morten Gallis, 28 (AUP) - Captain
Alex Mills, 26 (DLT*)
Renni Boom, 33
Aenbo Aogo, 26 (KOR)
Purlie Stöckli, 26
Ermine Everkin, 25 (DLT*)
Kasper Kornhäusel, 24 (CMT)
Davie Wiltshire, 21 (TKT)
Reggy van Buiten, 30
Ricky Corona, 28
Tétény Csorba, 21 (PAS)

Major Signings: Alex Mills & Ermine Everkin (both DLT*), Kasper Kornhäusel (CMT)
Major Transfers Out: Ken Kallestad (BEO*)

First team squad: Hendrik-Jan Haas, Manuel Irminger, Nalvo Niggio (MNO*), Arnold Le Guevel (WGT*), Rogier van der Brugge, Turk Alleviain (WGT*), Adryaen Wijts, Omar Gartuzzi (MNO*), Ayo Keguzzi (MNO*), Tiberien Bruta-Apollonoux (AUP), Lavrean Hessenford (BSE*), Benjamin Löf (NRH), Polve Endotta (MNO*)

Head coach Seamus Awton delighted Owls fans by declining to take up the 'free to leave' option that many Delts - particularly at Deltic FC - opted for with the call home to the valley, for the post-Uncivil War 'Regroup At The River' call. Not only that, but he managed to convince a couple of his fellow Valleymen to join up, with left back Alex Mills (from HPV) and central midfielder Ermine Everkin (from Septentriennes) a couple of excellent signings in the window. Awton had already revived Archimedes fortunes, pulling them back from the brink of relegation to an impressive IFCF qualification last season; and they will be in the shake-up again this season too. When you look at how the squad has developed under his watch, this now looks like a very promising team for the future - one that may even challenge deadly northern rivals Orchideeën for silverware in the coming seasons. They seem to have everything in place - get a couple more seasons of experience under the belts of young foreign stars like Davie Wiltshire (Tikariot) and Tétény Csorba (Pasarga) and this looks like a title team in the making.

Betting: 81.9/6th

.

The Exiles
Won the World Cup, the IAC, IFCF Challengers Cup & Super Cup; double SteuerLig champions...

Home Ground: de Romainring, Romainring (capacity 18,000), groundshare with VF Romainring
Main Rivals: Taxhavn City, Boldsea FC, The Wight Rovers
Last five seasons: - | - | 1st | 1st | 7th

Kit Supplier: Patch Clothing
Main Sponsor: Corn Exchange (Bank of Delte)

Head Coach: Davey Tinnalt (DLT*), 47, new appointment
First XI:
Hermannus Roe, 28
Asa Awestorm, 28 (DLT*)
Halfdan Fuller-Kite, 21 (WGT*)
Pokey Fayle, 21 (DLT*)
Hagar Turner, 25 (DLT*)
Burus Tasher, 26 (DLT*) - Captain
Alfie Alderskell, 23 (DLT*)
Christopher Shotbolt, 20
Onun Tasher, 25 (DLT*)
Gaël Belaquelo, 25 (DLT*)
Irki Mynster, 25 (DLT*)

Major Signings: Hermannus Roe, Enda Iodyne (DLT*), Christopher Shotbolt
Major Transfers Out: Pretty much everyone you can think of who won NSWC'95

First team squad: Dan Quadhorton (DLT*), Aughran Le Rolde (DLT*), Enda Iodyne (DLT*), Cyrus Duffy (WGT*), Torus Oakwale (DLT*), Siméon Dix-Sept (RRP*), Charlie Sullenden (DLT*), Hersham Taine (DLT*), Daniel Dight (DLT*), Adam Gallier, David Tonsoe (DLT*), Hadrien Six, Heston Oarsward (DLT*)

It's been said elsewhere but this is very much a reset season for the mighty Delts. World Cups, IACs and SteuerLig titles are all behind them now - with eleven players and their inspirational head coach taking their leave to return home following the conclusion of the Uncivil War, those left will have to pick up the pieces. It's not half bad, to be fair - in the brothers Tasher, Burus and Onun, they have two of the best players in the league already, and Irki Mynster is not far behind. YOungsets coming through like Pokey Fayle, Charlie Sullenden and Daniel Dight would walk into any team on the island already, so it's not like this team is looking at a relegation scrap. But they did miss out on the iconic Deltic superhero Enor Perro - opting to go to Old Shakerssens and the Galactico project there - and could not prise head coach and primary leadership target Hubie Kramer out of Taxhavn City. They will compete, they are Delts, what else would you expect; but to get into the IFCF places for a fourth consecutive season since starting in this league looks like the biggest fight they can mount. No doubt they will be back, but this season... a bit of a pause on the usual dominance.

Betting: 73.4/8th

.

The Pollen Counters
The most successful club of the SteuerLig era

Home Ground: Havnstadion, Havn (capacity 36,600)
Main Rivals: Raven Thöni, FC Städeli, Old Shakerssens
Last five seasons: 1st | 5th | 6th | 5th | 8th

Kit Supplier: TGT
Main Sponsor: Grimm TV

Head Coach: Joseph Moteudi (IND), 64, new appointment
First XI:
Jon Moe, 23 (BSE*)
Horatio Govaerts, 26
Chad Quittman, 23 (DLT*)
Milan Lazo, 23 (TEQ*)
Almaurry Azéma, 28
Laurent Lapix, 29 (RCN) - Captain
Jett Kane, 29 (WGT*)
Hadrian Cross, 22 (DLT*)
Djetson Hazle, 27 (INS)
Mere Eljas Faliri, 32 (FFD)
Ang Bao Kana, 23 (FFD)

Major Signings: Horatio Govaerts, Jon Moe (BSE*), Djetson Hazle, 27 (INS)
Major Transfers Out: -

First team squad: Ricky Tinningburst (DLT*), Jens Maertens, Emmanuel Koumare (ZGA*), John Glennon, Cian Kaur, Didrich Fúllings, Benedict Saynsbery, Klaas van Sittart, Tobias Marley (dual JOV-CMT), Otto Bonney (DLT*), Natanaël Tanga (ZGA*), Philip Wynter, Rico Gage

Fans may fear what happened to Big Three rival Raven Thöni - now of Lig-2 - is happening at Standard Lily too. Decline is in the air and on the lips of the support, and you can see why - they depend so much on star midfielder Laurent Lapix, have seen a raft of talent leave the club, are dropping slowly away from their place at the top, and seem content to let a bunch of teams glide past them on their way to higher callings. The appointment of veteran Indussian manager Joseph Moteudi to the top role has left press and fans baffled, and not conninced, while internally they claim to be very excited about the appointment. They have hardly set the transfer window on fire either, although the signing of top class keeper Jon Moe was impressive. But Horatio Govaerts? Djetson Hazle? The first team itself, when you look at it, appears pretty strong still... but dive into the depth chart and you may give yourself a concussion by hitting the floor pretty quickly. There are a couple of promising youngsters - John Glennon, Tobias Marley - but beyond that, it looks a team heading in the wrong direction.

Betting: 66.6/10th

.

The Shakers, The Removers (and, The Removers & Shakers)
Everyone loves a quirky club, and Old Shakerssens are the very embodiment of eccentric

Home Ground: The Goods Yard, Havn (capacity 20,000), groundshare with Schwänenclub
Main Rivals: Schwänenclub, Standard Lily, Sturm Havn
Last five seasons: 12th | 17th | 8th | 8th | 9th

Kit Supplier: Almirante
Main Sponsor: Shakerssen International Logistics

Head Coach: Johan Messerschmidt, 43, new appointment
First XI:
Florijs van Aysma, 29
Hans Cromwell, 26
Charley Daggersfield, 22
Gryff Gould, 27 (AUD)
Goran Yurán, 21 (AUD)
Enor Perro, 29 (DLT*) - Captain
Ingvar McGill, 27 (WGT*)
Christiaan van der Riet, 31
Denzel Keegan, 27 (AUD)
Kjartan Lúnquerque, 31 (AUD)
Mikkel Bukt, 29 (PUG)

Major Signings: Christiaan van der Riet, Enor Perro (DLT*), Florijs van Aysma
Major Transfers Out: Cheddar Rothdaring (DLT*), Lorin Müngers, Jon Moe (BSE*)

First team squad: Rätus Schoch, Sven Tanguy, Curt Switzer, Makonnan Clare (TJU), Junior Cavatta (OSS), Mvondo Libamba (ZGA*), Xurxo Martis (TEQ*), Philip Rynger, Ox Brambling (BSE*), Matthew Warde, Oswyn Stone, Maxime Banville (MUS*), Patrice Baumé (MUS*)

A team with unbelievable resources did unbelievably poorly last season, under the glare of the cameras as 'Inside Rights' watched every move of Nino Hämmerli's failed attempt to spark his new galactico team, having signed not one but four Audioslav World Cup winners. It cost him his job, but the board at the Shakers are undeterred - once again making some impressive moves in the window, pulling in yet another World Cup winner in the ageless Delt Enor Perro, and attracting the hottest property in SteuerLig management by getting Johan Messerschmidt out of HPV. So many teams tried and failed to do that. Last season we predicted the title for this team and they failed spectacularly, just squeaking into the top ten, missing out on interregional football and losing the TaxPokal final. We're being more cautious this season, predicting a modest third place for this team of superstars. Anything less would surely be a disaster, and even third doesn't really justify the investment and ambition from the top. Will they be patient? Can they outpace our prediction? Will they crash and burn. One thing is for sure - with the Shakers, you just never can tell.

Betting: 87.6/3rd

.

The Diggers, The Heavies
Have unexpectedly turned into something of a force to be reckoned with

Home Ground: Waallen Arena (capacity 22,000; groundshare with Motor Waallen)
Main Rivals: Motor Waallen, FZK-Amstell, McCunnald
Last five seasons: (Lig-2) 5th (promoted) | (Lig-1) 6th | 4th | 7th | 10th

Kit Supplier: Boxer Sports
Main Sponsor: Heavy Products (machinery & vehicles)

Head Coach: Sébastien Menager, 38, new appointment
First XI:
Victor van Drop, 29
Pascoe Mullens, 21
Nicolaas van Mol, 31
Saùl de Gordón, 37 (TEQ*)
Rudy Godin, 28 (MUS*)
Ralph Bohan, 27 - Captain
Vigris, 22 (TKT)
Oste de Wael, 32
Lenart van der Molen, 24
Carloto Desmonceaux, 26 (GVN)
Vincent Baar, 25

Major Signings: Vincent Baar, Pascoe Mullens, Ivo Gyll
Major Transfers Out: Alex Mills (DLT*), Rolf Brecknock

First team squad: Constantin Holsey, Levi Walles (WGT*), Albertus van de Wouwere, Vivian Livesey, Leonides Mendez (TAM*), Gerard Crocus, Jesper Snare (BEO*), Gaspar Dablijn, Orion Croft (TKT), Aaro Isotalo (CMT), Harper de Keij, Lenard Maes, Ivo Gyll, Pasquette Le Goix (GVN)

Enjoying a new-found rivalry with Old Shakerssens, HPV won their first TaxPokal last season against the Shakers to qualify for the Cup Winners Cup, and as has been the case for a number of seasons, they impressed with the style of football, the recruitment, and their sustainable model for smaller clubs looking to over-achieve. One of the big helps in that was their superb manager, Johan Messerschmidt - but he's gone, and it was the Shakers who took him. But the clever chaps at The Heavies always have a succession plan in place and another young, highy-rated coach will take his place, in the shape of Sébastien Menager, who over-achieved wildly at Urban Irminger. They have backed him in the transfer market with their usual style of high-quality but underrated players (Vincent Baar, Pascoe Mullens) and youngsters with superb potential (Ivo Gyll). The loss of Messerschmidt was a big blow, as was left-back Alex Mills' move to Archimedes, but HPV look a good prospect again for another bright season. We even think they might make the Champions League, for the first time in their history. They will be breathing down the necks of Old Shakerssens all the way, and that is going to be a fascinating sub-plot to this season's SteuerLig story.

Betting: 87.4/4th

.

Kozy, The Steelers
Built back from league expulsion and near oblivion, now with serious ambition

Home Ground: Staalenstadion (capacity 38,960)
Main Rivals: Orchideeën, Tijhuis Archimedes, De Tike FC
Last five seasons: (OranjiLig) 1st (promoted) | (Lig-2) 7th | 1st (promoted) | (Lig-1) 9th | 11th

Kit Supplier: Patch Clothing
Main Sponsor: Spijkerhuis (sports vehicles)

Head Coach: Nanko Kijk in 't Veld, 50, 1 season
First XI:
Custodio Reverso, 30 (FFD)
Florens Klein Stroek, 30
Odwin Muir, 33 (CMT) - Captain
Ilya Tsurinov, 22 (KIM)
Dominique Petain, 21
Sjaak Hallie, 24
Rai Mazzanti, 29 (TAM*)
Vasil Teplov, 23 (PYA)
Sébastien Assassiné, 22 (RRP*)
Maerten Oudehoest, 25
Abraham Kuusik, 29 (MPK*)

Major Signings: Custodio Reverso (FFD), Rai Mazzanti (TAM*)
Major Transfers Out: Kim Sang-Wook (QUE-CMT)(loan), Tiaz (TAM*), Horatio Govaerts, Deni Vagabonde (RRP*)

First team squad: Raûl Sarmiento (TEQ*), Henric Ruiz, Sacha Olinga (ZGA*), Josif Rothacher, Vincent Schmitz, Abraham Gillissen, Janneken Wolfswinckel, Luijt Smit, Lars Jissink, David Buchan, Rinus van de Haar, Quinten van Raalte

Nobody could accuse The Steelers of lacking ambition - after topping the transfer window spend for Taxhavn clubs last season, they have easily doubled that to close the window as the biggest spenders in SteuerLig history. Whether the spending has been sensible or not is a whole other question - the big money last season went on beach soccer superstriker Tiaz... he scored four goals, and was sold on again for half the purchase price; if any journalist dare mention his name in the corridors of the Staalenstadion, they are quickly ejected from the building. So forgive us if we raise a curious eyebrow at the signing of Farf goalkeeper Custodio Reverso for an eye-watering ₸x39m tax shillings - a new SteuerLig record, the highest fee in this year's international transfer window, and the biggest international fee in a decade. At 30, he's definitely in the prime of his keeper career, and yet he was second string at La + Querida. But, according to Boys Director of Football Fulke Bathurst, he is the complete box-to-box goalkeeper. Whatever that means. Rumours that head coach Nanko Kijk in 't Veld is less than impressed have been angrily dismissed by Bathurst. Nanko was the one who had to play former record signing Tiaz to keep the board happy until it was so obvious he couldn't play 11-a-side that they were forced to let him drop the Ipaneman clown. But maybe Reverso will win games on his own, as Bathurst has claimed.

Betting: 71.8/9th

.

The Fort
It's always a rollercoaster at The Fort. Sometimes up, sometimes down. More up than down.

Home Ground: The Fort (capacity 17,560)
Main Rivals: Sturm Havn, FC Städeli, St. Bernadine Academical
Last five seasons: (Lig-2) 1st (promoted) | (Lig-1) 19th (relegated) | (Lig-2) 2nd (promoted) | (Lig-1) 11th | 12th

Kit Supplier: GuileTek
Main Sponsor: Kick'n'Rinse (laundry products)

Head Coach: Livio Lieber, 43, 3 seasons
First XI:
Aldrannão, 26 (IPN*)
Nicolas Affré, 27
Jodie Niederhauser, 25
Ian D’Hoe, 35
Marc D’Hoe, 32
Brant Hoest, 25 - Captain
Rodda Cealsson, 29 (BSE*)
Armando Ruiz, 34 (IPN*)
Orland De Luca, 32 (TAM*)
Xande Nunes, 23 (IPN*)
Vasco Carneiro, 27 (IPN*)

Major Signings: Jodie Niederhauser, Aldrannão & Vasco Carneiro (both IPN*),
Major Transfers Out: Jan-Bart ten Cate

First team squad: Diederick Booij, Julian Claeys, Ilyas De Leener, Tyr Tadoe (DLT*), Deveral Brumley (WGT*), Gilles Sharpe, Vicente Oliveira (IPN*), Marcos Barros (TAM*), Jeff Vandemeulebroucke, Ramun Kunz, Charles Wardeby, Aelius van de Wielen, Gilles Demets

Two good midtable finishes for the second team from Städeli seems to have established them as a Lig-1 team, but things could be different this season as they lost their young superstar Jan-Bart ten Cate and replaced him with the altogether overrated 'golden generation' Raven Thöni defender Jodie Neiderhauser, who was surely instrumental in the All-Blacks relegation last season with his hapless performances as the back. It won't be Neiderhauser alone who drags them down of course, as it wasn't him alone who got Raven relegated, but in a season when up to six teams could be involved in a relegation scrap, Fortuna are one of the teams who might get dragged in - and worse than that, they have seen several mid- to low-table rivals strengthen efficiently while they look to be standing still. With a strong scouting network in the beach paradise of Ipanema, they have unearthed some technical gems in the past, and hope to have done so again this season with Aldrannão & Vasco Carneiro, but - looking at you, Tiaz - more often than not the wet and muddy demands of the SteuerLig are not the liking of the samba boys from the sunny beaches. With five of them in the squad now, Fortuna are pinning theirs on some of the most unpredictable players in Taxhavn. And alongside them, too many veterans makes this the oldest average squad in the division - it could be a recipe for disaster.

Betting: 45.0/19th

.

The Hightails
Had been a strong team in the second tier for a long time, but now at the top table for a change.

Home Ground: Bezirker Stadion, Thöni (capacity 33,000), groundshare with Raven Thöni
Main Rivals: Raven Thöni, Rankfelden Cardinals
Last five seasons: 13th | 7th | 14th | 16th | 13th

Kit Supplier: GuileTek
Main Sponsor: Guile (sportswear)

Head Coach: Lenny Dähler, 43, 3 seasons
First XI:
Ruudi Tamm, 27 (MPK*)
Barone Calderara, 28 (TAM*)
Kalle Eskola, 18 (MPK*)
Nicolai Erland, 23
Gracien Lagarde, 24
Ozan Welch, 40 (TKT) - Captain
Saï Mukongo, 28 (ZGA*)
Oleg Anikin, 21 (PYA)
Jacob Gonson, 30
Tryggi Sumner, 24 (BSE*)
Alaert de Vleeschouwer, 27

Major Signings: Nicolai Erland
Major Transfers Out: Pascoe Mullens

First team squad: Brodier Baumer, Nino Hottiger, Nathaniel Estbury, Joel Wohlgemuth, Mart-jan Teunissen, Valentine Stockton, Alfie Tyndall, Zafir Harrachi (BBS*), Gustave Berger, Jodoc Polsted, Bendicht Kellerhals, Norin Von Gunten

With the relegation of their rivals and groundsharers Raven, the Foxes now are the biggest deal in the south-western suburbs, and they have made virtue of modest sustainable club-building which leaves them in comfortable mid-table each season, creating few headlines and making it hard on journos like myself to write interesting articles about their seasonal prospects. It would be the same again this year too, with an unremarkable one-in one-out transfer activity that sees an underrated Pascoe Mullens head off to attract a little more attention higher up the table, and a very decent but hardly mentioned Nicolai Erland come in to take his place. Head coach Lenny Dähler even refuses to pin too much responsibility on up-and-coming young starlet Alfie Tyndall, a genuinely exciting prospect for the Hightails, once again naming him in the squad depth chart rather than in his first choice XI. But the season might just get interesting for all the wrong reasons this time around - the reduction of the division to eighteen, relegation play-offs and six possible relegation spots to fight against means Benson Foxes will be looking over their shoulder all season. One poor run could see them drop into trouble. There was that one season when they threatened the top six and almost got an IFCF place, so sometimes excitingly good things can happen, but they try to avoid that sort of tension at Benson Foxes. They should - just about - manage to do the same again this year.

Betting: 47.5/16th

.

The Social
It would be unfair, but not inaccurate, to call them 'boring'.

Home Ground: Axis Arena (26,500) groundshare with Axis Driessche
Main Rivals: Axis Driessche, 1860 Delénacht
Last five seasons: (Lig-2) 3rd | 3rd | 6th (promoted via play-offs) | (Lig-1) 10th | 14th

Kit Supplier: TGT
Main Sponsor: Beath Industrial

Head Coach: Jon Dewulf, 49, 1 season
First XI:
Berg Jon Reynaldsson, 29 (BSE*)
Alexander Mahieu, 32
Arijen Clusius, 28
Tarmo Viiding, 33 (MPK*) - Captain
Silas St Kew, 24 (WGT*)
Gabriel Leal, 22 (SNL)
Issaka Guindo, 25 (ZGA*)
Accoleius Stubbe, 21 (WGT*)
Tileke Michels, 19
Danal, 19 (IPN*)
Quaninton, 33 (IPN*)

Major Signings: Gabriel Leal (SNL), Berg Jon Reynaldsson (BSE*)
Major Transfers Out: -

First team squad: Roland Weiss, Henneke Sÿtzen, Mamadou Sakiliba (ZGA), Jean-Luc Theisen, Drew Foltzen, Loïc Matthieu (MUS), Bourama Ndiaye (ZGA), Pawel Spiessmacher, Dany Beicht, Bertrand Hoffmann, Henri Muller, Florent Scholtes, Lassana Bouaré (ZGA)

Coming up with Fortuna Städeli a couple of seasons ago, The Social have mirrored their performances, impressing in mid-table when relegation was predicted. Much like Fortuna this season, you would think they have done enough to establish themselves and not be picked out as candidates for the drop this time around, but like Fortuna, the 'Big Drop' of league remodelling puts them right in the thick of it. A team unable to splash the sort of cash Kierhuizen Boys can - not because they don't have it, everyone has it in Taxhavn, but because their board refuses to spend it - BSSC are restrained in the transfer market and are finding it difficult to keep up when those around them are reinforcing. That said they made two very good signings in the window in Gabriel Leal and keeper Berg Jon Reynaldsson, and that might just be the difference between automatic relegation and a chance to save themselves in the relegation play-offs. That's just about how stark their prospects are, right now.

Betting: 46.5/17th

hr][/hr]
.

The Rifles, The Bikes
A bit up and down in, like, forever. Hoping to be more up than down these days.

Home Ground: Tikestadion, Orping-Tike (capacity 41,000), groundshare with De Tike FC
Main Rivals: De Tike FC, FZK-Amstell
Last five seasons: 7th | 19th (relegated) | 3rd | 1st (promoted) | (Lig-1) 15th

Kit Supplier: GuileTek
Main Sponsor: Orping Small Arms (OSA)

Head Coach: Dan Stappenbelt, 58, 4 seasons
First XI:
Francisco Flores, 31 (TFS) - Captain
Oslõ, 26 (IPN*)
Cors Davison, 26
Diedrich Billing, 20
Wilhelm Heurnius, 22
Sebastian Ortmark, 21 (NRH)
Martin Rodenberg, 23 (CMT)
Lambert Arsenault, 29
Martin Rodenberg, 23 (CMT)
Strato Levan Wickett, 30 (BSE*)
Jovin Eichenberger, 28

Major Signings: Strato Levan Wickett (BSE*)
Major Transfers Out: -

First team squad: Guy Sentinel (WGT*), Peeter van Nispen, Robbert Berentsen, Arseny Tkachenko (PYA), Soizic Restault (GVA), Désiré Bourseiller, Nout Klein Izak, Marlijn Boomhof, Salomon van Dornhoven, Queash Sorden (DLT*), Alassane Dagnon (ZGA*), Durgan Hawfinch (BSE*)

The Rifles have been building smartly toward becoming more than a yoyo club in recent seasons and with Dan Stappenbelt at the helm for a while now, they have certainly started to take shape as a solid midtabler with one eye on the top half of the table. Transfer activity was much quieter this season but nevertheless pretty impressive, bringing in a very decent striker in Strato Levan Wickett who has footballing royalty blood in his veins - his father being the Bonesea strike legend Conchobar Wickett, who scored his national team's way to a Cup of Harmony title, an IAC title, and a World Cup final in the famous days of the Bonesea-Schottia hegemony. Strato might not quite be at his father's level but he could well set a blaze under the SteuerLig. The biggest problem for OSA is going to be the six-point deduction they bring into the season following the Double-Martin scandal of last season, when they tried to pretend the Martin Rodenbergs of Chromatika were one and the same player, for registration purposes - a tactic that fooled no-one and got them into a world of trouble. With the 'Big Drop' this season, plans for stabilising in the top flight might come under pressure, and that would set OSA back considerably. They may not want to be known as a yoyo club, but this season could define them as exactly that.

Betting: 45.2/18th

.

The Clockwork Orange & Blues
One of the big Oranjestadt clubs, trying to live up to their size.

Home Ground: Tikestadion, Orping-Tike (capacity 41,000), groundshare with OSA-Cyclista
Main Rivals: OSA-Cyclista, Kierhuizen Boys, Tijhuis Archimedes
Last five seasons: 14th | 18th | 17th | 13th | 16th

Kit Supplier: Almirante
Main Sponsor: RPO Studios (media)

Head Coach: Nino Hämmerli, 40, new appointment
First XI:
Ji Ning, 32 (NIX)
Reinout ten Cate, 26
Pascal Bah, 24 (ZGA*)
Hermannus de Hane, 21
Riko Zuazua, 29 (TEQ*)
Moses Vecchio, 27 (OSS) - Captain
Janneken Symonsen, 28
Quincey Casadesús, 23 (TEQ*)
Argal Carter-Huddy, 25 (BSE*)
Yaya Onana, 19 (ZGA*)
Caspar Kinderman, 25 (PIS)

Major Signings: Caspar Kinderman (PIS), Quincey Casadesús (TEQ*)
Major Transfers Out: Adam Gallier, Tai Cerotha (DLT*)

First team squad: Aergen Garijn, Ludo Gayle, Arjan Hindriks, Gabriel Abegglen, Paschal Klopp, Bert-Jan Tanker, Victor Verstappen, Hans van Woensel, Stijn Wolthuis, Benjamin Xiriha (TAM*), Balthasar Fremin, Mamoutou Ly (ZGA*), Oliver Lontz (PIS)

The Clockwork Orange & Blues have defied their history in recent seasons to turn in dull-to-poor returns despite fabulous support, top coaches and some bold moves in the transfer window. Nothing seems to work at the Tikestadion. You have to approach any new appointment with caution these days, never being tempted to call it a 'new era at De Tike FC'. So I won't say that - but yet again the club have caught the eye, snapping up head coach Nino Hämmerli after his frustrating final season at Old Shakerssens, and then picking off highly rated Polarian forward Casper Kinderman from reigning champions Orchideeën, which no-one saw coming. They have had highly rated managers - Archie Ruggles-Pompey - and top, top strikers - Tai Cerotha - in recent seasons, and it has made little to no difference to a club seemingly caught in the endless doldrums of the bottom half of the league. If you look at that first XI, it is surely a top ten line-up by any measure in this division, with excellent players all over the pitch. Sure, they lack a little bit in depth, but with the likes of teenagers Bert-Jan Tanker, Benjamin Xiriha and Mamoutou Ly coming through, you have to think this team can do much better than they have. The only catch this season is the frustrating loss of another Polarian striker to long-term injury - Oliver Lontz is unlikely to be seen this season. Even so. We won't call it a new era, but this ought to be a half-decent season for Nino's boys.

Betting: 64.6/12th

.

The Scholars
The fourth A of the 'Triple-A' - just grateful to get a mention

Home Ground: University Lane, St. Bernadine (capacity 12,700)
Main Rivals: Five Star St. Bernadine
Last five seasons: 10th | 14th | 11th | 15th | 17th

Kit Supplier: Natty kit.
Main Sponsor: University of St. Bernadine (USB)

Head Coach: Sjef de Haas, 49, 1 season
First XI:
Constantin Cassey, 24
Aadu Kallaste, 20 (MPK*)
Beath Von Mühlenen, 28
Mark Sherbourne, 29 - Captain
Teddie Sumner, 18
Soloman Bai, 28 (Dual YZH-NYK) - On Loan
Josey Eckles, 22 (DLT*)
AE Box, 21 (BSE*)
Shu Koyama, 20 (TJU)
Rogelio Carreón, 23 (VIS)
Aleksander Vivić, 19 (SAT)

Major Signings: Hama Behenna (WGT*), Teddie Sumner, Alberto Giraud (SNL)
Major Transfers Out: Berg Jon Reynaldsson (BSE*), Isak Eberhard

First team squad: Simon Strangewayes, Djeferson Charpentier, Linus Glöckner, Ralph Glöckner, Samonte Leubler, Hama Behenna (WGT*), Jacques Theiss, Frankie von Gunten, Thurstan Heydon, Fynn Light-Weston, Alberto Giraud (SNL), Elias Zumstein, Benny Piransson (BSE*)

Every season we say they defy the odds. Every season we predict they will go down. Every season they do defy the odds. This season we're predicting they will go down. On the one hand, it is the definition of madness to do the same thing over and over and expect a different outcome. On the other, even a stopped clock is right twice a day. We love quirky, scholarly Academical, it's not that we are wishing them down. But they just never seem to start the season with enough quality on the books - or really we should say experience, because they have so many good youngsters coming through, but it never looks enough to keep them up. This season looks no different. Teenage Saturnian striker Aleksander Vivić is proving top quality and I'm surprised he hasn't been picked up by one of the bigger teams, but as one of five players in the starting XI under 21, this just looks too inexperienced a squad, especially with the loss of key experienced forward Isak Eberhard, and if ever our prediction about the Scholars relegation is likely to come true, surely with a potential six-team relegation, this is the time. Sorry guys. You've been a breath of fresh air, but we think your time is definitely up. Surely. Right?

Betting: 37.2/20th

.

The Cyclones
Looking to not get relegated again

Home Ground: Jacquemeux, Havn (capacity 22,900) currently have Old Shakerssen as sharing tenants
Main Rivals: Old Shakerssens, Schwänenclub, Fortuna Städeli
Last five seasons: (Lig-2) 2nd (promoted) | (Lig-1) 16th | 15th | 19th (relegated) | (Lig-2) 1st (promoted)

Kit Supplier: TGT
Main Sponsor: Bien & Petit (publishing)

Head Coach: Adam Ackeret, 49, 1 season
First XI:
Toka Harper, 26
Ryan Deramount, 21
Leofing Rykeworth, 28
Iordan Dimov, 29 (EQA)
Raul Coatla, 26 (TEQ*)
Sanno Müller, 30 - Captain
Adenet Calvet, 28
Leonard Lugga, 23 (PDT)
Bozak Darbo, 31 (SRS)
Odin Gnashersson, 28 (BSE*)
Danté, 31 (TEQ*)

Major Signings: Leonard Lugga (PDA), JJ Norton (MIR), Danté (TEQ*)
Major Transfers Out: -

First team squad: Jonni Catteau, Ulf Chanceler, Frederick Verhasselt, Nicholas Hargreve, Francis Halshan, Bendicht Wehrli, Edward Ortel, Gregory Bushe, Gawain Stevyn, Wim Menneken, Aslac Key, Karel Van Der Meiren, Mathijs Maertens, JJ Norton (MIR)

In recent seasons promoted teams have given a good account of themselves and The Cyclones might be another one to scrap their way to safety, the Big Drop notwithstanding. It was a canny move to sign head coach Adam Ackaret, one who has always been considered in the group of top coaches in the country. He has not done well overall in the top jobs, but give him a project at a smaller club, and he tends to overachieve. He and Sturm are a perfect match in that sense. You really have to give serious credit to the recruitment team too, led by Director of Football Jonathan Meert, who have pulled off some truly fascinating signings from the international window in Leonard Lugga and JJ Norton - there's a feeling these two will be favourites to make the All-Star Foreign XI at the end of this season, which bodes well for The Cyclones league performance; while Danté, another not widely known here, is an absolute superstar in Tequilo, and could well show what it is they love about him in the land of sombreros and six-shooters. While the large relegation field will be a constant threat to all the newly promoted sides, Sturm Havn have been here before and they should be able to navigate safely away from it.

Betting: 61.9/14th

.

The Saints
Quietly building a club to stay in the top flight

Home Ground: Lantern Quay, St. Gight (capacity 12,800)
Main Rivals: St. Lappawell United, Urban Irminger
Last five seasons: (Southern League) 4th | 1st (promoted) | (Lig-2) 14th | 9th | 2nd (promoted)

Kit Supplier: Patch Clothing
Main Sponsor: Banque Gentian Lhuillier (Banking)

Head Coach: Ralf Lewison, 43, 8 seasons
First XI:
Aart Hogeveen, 27
Orkény Gál, 26 (PAS)
Julien Pélissier-Waldeley, 27
Marcus Baek, 21 (QUE)
Alain Tulip, 31
Ado van Sambix, 25 - Captain
Deni Vagabonde, 29 (RRP*)
Heiðar Ludwigssen, 23 (VET)
Aresti Ygereta, 26 (ASG)
Alardin Moineau, 35
Joran Skipper, 19

Major Signings: Ado van Sambix, Orkény Gál (PAS), Deni Vagabonde (RRP*), Marcus Baek (QUE)
Major Transfers Out: -

First team squad: Walo Gnehm, Toni Tibbert, Xavier Ange, Harvey Draw, Inao Marjing (INS), Jeff Hayle, Voro Quaim (DLT*), Thaddée Loup-Corbett, Piers Churmound, Takakuwa Kunisada (HUI*), Henrich Sponer, Blaise Mossé-Boteler, Baptiste Hémery

Who? We don't blame you for asking. A non-league team just four years ago, they quickly acclimatised to football in the second tier of the SteuerLig (just getting in before the expansion to three divisions) and then from out of nowhere, took Zotteeik all the way to the final day of the season in the race for the second automatic promotion spot to Lig-1, in the wake of dominant Sturm Havn, and then pipped eeek! on the last day to win a shock spot in the top flight. The team from way down south, at the bottom of the island below the cities of St. Bernadine, Städeli and Havn, the Albion are surely cannon fodder in this coming season? Far from it. Coach Ralf Lewison, the longest-serving manager in the division, has masterminded a spectacular rise with great football, resilience, and bold recruitment. They have been able again to persuade players from near and far who maybe never heard of them before to come and take a look at the project at Lantern Quay, and have signed some strong footballers for their next campaign. When you crunch the data, they actually look a very safe bet to stay in the division.

Betting: 64.7/11th

.

Eeek!
Looking to not get relegated again

Home Ground: Zottpark, Zuiden (capacity 12,800)
Main Rivals: Torpedo Tijhuis, AZ Exloërveen, AZ-Tjaart 54
Last five seasons: 18th (relegated) | (Lig-2) 14th | 16th | 11th | 4th (promoted)

Kit Supplier: Boxer Sports
Main Sponsor: Zurflüh (hardware merchants)

Head Coach: Denig Regnault (OAM), 48, 1 season
First XI:
Felix Morgan, 31
Henk Schutte, 26
Dierck Lier, 24
Jurrian van den Barg, 34 - Captain
Quincy Lindsey, 21 (VFT)
Darko Tonel, 34 (SRS)
Klaas van Sittart, 25
Ragnar Kross, 34 (MPK*)
Jonny Larsson, 23 (CMT)
Caddy Laws, 37 (WGT*)
Isak Eberhard, 32

Major Signings: Andrae Kocher, Rolf Brecknock, Isak Eberhard
Major Transfers Out: Quincey Casadesús (TEQ*)

First team squad: Kevin Michaelangelo (CMT), Geerardt van Steelandt, Giles Bowther, Adriaen Baert, Florent Chausson, Martinus Hinckaert, Zijbrant van de Warcke, Andrae Kocher, Felipinho (IPN*), Nan Smit, Lartanis te'Mandiachis (KNZ), Rolf Brecknock

Though followers of the SteuerLig may be slightly more familiar with eeek! than they are St. Gights Albion, mainly on account of that one single season in the top flight a few years back, even so their arrival back in Lig-1 was a shock to most everybody. Pretty timely as they had announced they are the new focus of the 'Inside Rights' fly-on-the-ball soccumentary this season, and perhaps not so much a surprise internally where they recruited manager Oberour Denig Regnault to take them up and he duly delivered via a play-off triumph over the much-fancied Napoleon St. Bernadine. Like the other promoted sides, Zotteeik look well capable of competing with anyone in the bottom half of the division, which should give them a fighting chance of survival unlike the last time they came up. The problem, as we've said before, could be the Big Drop as the league reshuffles the pack and reduces the size of the divisions. Of the three promoted sides, eccentric eeek! still look the most vulnerable. But the good thing is, we can watch it all unfold on the telly.

Betting: 47.9/15th

The Wide Enness Ocean
The key to Wightling puppetry
* Nationalities marked with an asterisk are part of the Wightling Commonwealth:

AAN  Aaan		HUI  Huaite 		NYY  Namayyan			SOY  Soyo
AUR  Auronne		HVM  Hvammstang		OSM  Osmania			TAM  Tamarindia
BBS  Barbary Salé 		IDM  Íle de Martín		PLV  Palava			TEQ  Tequilo
BEO  Beomark		IPN  Ipanema		POI  Poix			TRQ  Terraque
BOH  Bohobe 		JLA  Jelah		PSI  Portsea & Spice Islands	URQ  Uraqq		
BSE  Bonesea		KKA  Kukalaya		RRP  République Rivière		USO  Usorno		
CMU  Chímu		MAK  Makongo		RSG  Royal Saxe-Gotha	  	WGT  Wight	
COS  Costelloa 		MNO  Monozygotia		RXX  Rosicruxxia			XIN  Xindao	
CRN  Cernan 		MPK  Malproksimen		SCG  Scéalta Grinn			ZGA  Zenega	 
DLT  Delte		MUS  Mustardy		SCY  Scythia			ZZR  Zykotik Zoviet Republicz	
HSP  Hispanola		NIB  Nibelunga		SLT  Saltern Island		

OOC  The Wightling Commonwealth, of which Taxhavn is also a member, is the commonwealth of Wightling puppets.
OBV.

by **Taxhavn** » Mon Nov 24, 2025 11:26 pm

SteuerLig-98
Part 1/4: A New Season & The Smell Of Fresh Grass On A Sunny Afternoon

And we are underway! Orchideeën travel to HPV Waallen in the SuperPokal tie between last season's cup winner and the reigning league champion for the first bit of silverware of the season. And then all the hard work in the off-season begins to pay off - or not - as our sixty SteuerLig teams commence battle for soccer supremacy on the Isle of Taxhavn, population 23.065 million and counting.

In Others Words
Quotes From Those That Matter

In this issue we recall the saucy line of cheeky chappy Boldsea head coach and resident SteuerLig observational comic Mosey Ackanard.

If you’re a burglar, it’s no good poncing about outside somebody’s house, looking good with your swag bag ready. Just get in there, burgle them and come out. I don’t advocate that obviously. It’s just an analogy.

- The coach from Bonesea with the wit and the wisdom to match his football heritage expresses a little bit of dissatisfaction with some of his more poncey players and their designer boots... looking at you, Pablo Roâ, and your bright cabbage green Patchwear Fluke-1098s and distinct lack of goals this season.

Off-Pitch
Vignettes of The SteuerLig Stars

What a Carréon... Rogelio's passport problems

It seems like the second favourite hang-out of Academical's talented young striker Rogelio Carréon, after the training pitches at University St. Bernadine, is the Visa Department at the Passport Office. Arriving in Taxhavn six years ago as a fresh-faced seventeen year old Panay off the ferry from Guimaras, he surprised immigration officers with his letters of recommendation from the Govenor Garbajosa Secondary School, his scholarship into the Faculty of Multiversal Geopolitics at USB, and his contract to play for the Academical youth team. Most of his compatriots were headed for domestic roles in million-, billion- and even some trillionaire households or grand hotels. But Rogelio, it seemed, was something special. According to the Panay Islands & Guimaras government papers, this young man was going to be the superstar of Panay football, and was headed to Academical to begin his meteoric rise to the top. Two things happened: the Panay national football team selectors immediately forgot all about him, and then Panay Islands & Guimaras became the Visayas Islands. Were they invaded? Did they enact a geopolitical union? Was it just a rebrand? A coup? No-one really knows, even at the Faculty of Multiversal Geopolitics at USB. It was just what happened, and with it, half a million Panay housekeepers, gardeners, butlers, drivers and Rogelio Carréon presented themselves at the Visa Department of the Passport Office to change their documents. It was a very long queue. When he finally came out, Rogelio was a Visayan.

Three years later, after breaking into the Academical first team, winning the SteuerLig young player of the year award, and being ignored by his national team selectors who had forgotten what a superstar he was going to become, a directive from FA-Tax and the government's Home Office allowed young Rogelio to claim dual-nationality, and off he went to the passport office again for new papers. This time there was no queue, because apart from footballers, Panay and Guimaras and, err, Visayan residents could only be naturalised after 30 years continuous employment with their billionaire owners. I mean employers. Anyway. Rogelio became a dual Visayan-Taxhavnite citizen. But last year Rogelio was back at the Visa Department again, and this time in the big queue with half a million of his countryfolk. Visayas Islands had changed to Saint-Lazarus. Was it an invasion... a coup... a rebrand... a... well, your guess is as good as mine. But he had to get new papers. By now, the Immigration desk are on first name terms with the young twenty-something striker. He's doing well in the SteuerLig, and many of them are followers. A couple might even consider themselves his friends. Which is how he knows the back door to the Visa Department. Kevin From Immigration showed him, after the Foreign Office warned that the leaders of Saint-Lazarus are showing all the signs of getting bored with their new name and are considering uniting with Aclan or Laguna or Batangas or Crystalakere or whatever to form a new nation, with new passports, and probably new national team kits, too. Not that Rogelio will be concerned with that - the nation(s) of his birth show no signs of remembering they had a once and future star playing in Taxhavn.

SuperPokal
HPV Waallen 1-4 Orchideeën
Waallenstadion, Waallen

Two goals inside the first ten minutes by attacking midfielder Maximilien Laminien set the tone for the opening match of the new season as The Nurserymen won a record third SuperPokal. A brilliant individual strike in the third minute from the Ko-orenite got the visitors off to a dream start, as Valentin Fey won possession deep in HPV territory when defender HPV Nicolaas van Mol got the ball stuck under his feet trying to break the press. Fey put a speculative ball into the box which Laminien picked up with his back to goal, and after turning Saùl de Gordón inside out not once but twice with superb close control, he smashed a shot past Victor van Drop. Four minutes later new Orchideeën striker Lalo Ceesay cued Laminien up for a strike from the left hand edge of the box and he curled it in beautifully. HPV were all over the place. Before twenty minutes were up the brilliant Laminien returned the favour, heading a Fey cross into the path of Ceesay who volleyed home to score on his debut for the defending champions. Game over, as good as.

Maximilien Laminien continued to dictate play as the visitors threatened a cricket score against HPV, but new young Heavies coach Sébastien Menager managed to keep them calm enough to hold on to half time without conceding more, though both Ceesay and Jeroen Blenkers hit the woodwork with good chances. In the second half the home side were much more competitive, showing some promising signs of what might be to come under Menager, with club favourite Carloto Desmonceaux pulling one back for HPV just after the hour. But the result was never much in question, with Orchideeën looking capable of going up a couple more gears if they needed to, and a fightback never materialised from the cup winning home side. A miserable opening day was capped by the late sending off of defender Saùl de Gordón in the 88th minute for a second bookable offence, and three minutes into injury time new ₸x6.5m-shilling signing Pascoe Mullins put through his own net under pressure from Laminien to complete the rout.

Player of the match: Maximilien Laminien (Orchideeën)

Did Somebody Say 'Takeaway'?
Five Things We Learned In Rounds 1-11

What a start!

The Entertainers - unstoppable at home & highest-scoring team so far, Orchideeën have put four or more past teams seven times already. New strike signings Lalo Ceesay and Mark Ravelli join veteran national team favourite Jeroen Blenkers setting fire to the league, but they are not alone...

Jekyll-and-Hyde - with World Cup winners all over the park, Old Shakerssens have the firepower to beat anyone but still lose tight games — dangerous but inconsistent. Under new head coach Johan Messerschmidt they are at least putting in the kind of returns this team has been built for.

Drama Every Week - and goals everywhere. The league’s most entertaining disaster — eeek! living up to the name as Zotteeik, under the harsh stare of the Soccumentary cameras, have scored in all but two of their matches but have conceded in all of them, 31 times in total. Never dull.

Custodio No - Kierhuizen Boys survived some shocking early performances from new record signing keeper Custodio Reverso, notably in consecutive 4-4 draws against FC Städeli and Standard Lily. Since they quietly dropped him to the bench in favour of old favourite Raul Sarmiento, they've started to plumb up the leakages. They close out the first period with four wins in five and look in dangerous form.

Deductions, deductions - for Boldsea FC and OSA in particular, the points deductions from last season's Shop Local infractions are beginning to look costly. With both sides out of form, they find themselves right in amongst it - OSA bottom and Boldsea in the relegation play-off places. It could be a long season for both.


   SteuerLig-1                  Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 Orchideeën                    11    8   2   1    38   18  +20    26
 2 Old Shakerssens               11    8   2   1    40   22  +18    26
 3 Septentriennes                11    7   2   2    35   27   +8    23
 4 Standard Lily                 11    7   2   2    30   27   +3    23
---------------------------------------------------------------------- 
 5 Kierhuizen Boys               11    6   3   2    36   25  +11    21
 6 Sturm Havn                    11    5   4   2    24   16   +8    19
 7 BSSC Driessche                11    4   5   2    22   19   +3    17
---------------------------------------------------------------------- 
 8 FC Städeli                    11    5   2   4    22   19   +3    17
 9 HPV Waallen                   11    4   2   5    19   20   −1    14
10 Fortuna Städeli               11    4   2   5    26   30   −4    14
11 De Tike FC                    11    4   1   6    26   26    0    13
12 St. Gight's Albion            11    4   1   6    22   23   −1    13
13 Taxhavn City                  11    4   0   7    18   26   −8    12
14 Deltic FC                     11    3   2   6    16   20   −4    11
----------------------------------------------------------------------
15 Boldsea FC                    11    4   2   5    22   27   −5    11*  3 point deduction
16 Benson Foxes                  11    2   4   5    17   27  −10    10
17 Tijhuis Archimedes            11    2   3   6    18   26   −8     9
----------------------------------------------------------------------
18 St. Bernadine Academical      11    2   3   6    23   32   −9     9
19 Zotteeik                      11    2   2   7    23   31   −8     8
20 OSA-Cyclista                  11    3   0   8    26   42  −16     3*  6 point deduction

Match of the round highlighted

Round-1

SuperPokal
             HPV Waallen 1–4 Orchideeën

SteuerLig   
          BSSC Driessche 0–0 Deltic FC
      St. Gight's Albion 5–2 OSA-Cyclista
          Septentriennes 3–3 Fortuna Städeli
            Taxhavn City 2–5 De Tike FC
St. Bernadine Academical 2–1 Benson Foxes
              Sturm Havn 3–1 Zotteeik
         Old Shakerssens 2–1 Kierhuizen Boys
      Tijhuis Archimedes 3–3 Boldsea FC
              FC Städeli 3–4 Standard Lily

Round-2
              Orchideeën 4–1 Standard Lily
              Boldsea FC 2–1 FC Städeli
         Kierhuizen Boys 5–2 Tijhuis Archimedes
                Zotteeik 3–3 Old Shakerssens
            Benson Foxes 2–2 Sturm Havn
              De Tike FC 1–0 St. Bernadine Academical
         Fortuna Städeli 2–0 Taxhavn City
            OSA-Cyclista 1–4 Septentriennes
               Deltic FC 1–1 St. Gight's Albion
             HPV Waallen 1–4 BSSC Driessche

Round-3
          BSSC Driessche 2–2 Orchideeën
      St. Gight's Albion 0–2 HPV Waallen
          Septentriennes 4–1 Deltic FC
            Taxhavn City 5–4 OSA-Cyclista
St. Bernadine Academical 3–6 Fortuna Städeli
              Sturm Havn 5–2 De Tike FC
         Old Shakerssens 6–0 Benson Foxes
      Tijhuis Archimedes 0–1 Zotteeik
              FC Städeli 4–4 Kierhuizen Boys
           Standard Lily 3–2 Boldsea FC

Round-4
              Orchideeën 6–2 Boldsea FC
         Kierhuizen Boys 4–4 Standard Lily
                Zotteeik 2–2 FC Städeli
            Benson Foxes 0–0 Tijhuis Archimedes
              De Tike FC 3–3 Old Shakerssens
         Fortuna Städeli 1–1 Sturm Havn
            OSA-Cyclista 3–1 St. Bernadine Academical
               Deltic FC 2–0 Taxhavn City
             HPV Waallen 5–2 Septentriennes
          BSSC Driessche 3–2 St. Gight's Albion

Round-5
      St. Gight's Albion 1–2 Orchideeën
          Septentriennes 3–1 BSSC Driessche
            Taxhavn City 0–2 HPV Waallen
St. Bernadine Academical 5–4 Deltic FC
              Sturm Havn 4–1 OSA-Cyclista
         Old Shakerssens 4–1 Fortuna Städeli
      Tijhuis Archimedes 3–2 De Tike FC
              FC Städeli 1–0 Benson Foxes
           Standard Lily 5–4 Zotteeik
              Boldsea FC 0–4 Kierhuizen Boys

Round-6
              Orchideeën 4–0 Kierhuizen Boys
                Zotteeik 0–1 Boldsea FC
            Benson Foxes 4–1 Standard Lily
              De Tike FC 1–2 FC Städeli
         Fortuna Städeli 4–3 Tijhuis Archimedes
            OSA-Cyclista 3–5 Old Shakerssens
               Deltic FC 2–0 Sturm Havn
             HPV Waallen 3–3 St. Bernadine Academical
          BSSC Driessche 2–0 Taxhavn City
      St. Gight's Albion 2–3 Septentriennes

Round-7
          Septentriennes 4–2 Orchideeën
            Taxhavn City 1–0 St. Gight's Albion
St. Bernadine Academical 1–1 BSSC Driessche
              Sturm Havn 1–0 HPV Waallen
         Old Shakerssens 1–0 Deltic FC
      Tijhuis Archimedes 6–3 OSA-Cyclista
              FC Städeli 5–3 Fortuna Städeli
           Standard Lily 1–0 De Tike FC
              Boldsea FC 1–1 Benson Foxes
         Kierhuizen Boys 2–1 Zotteeik

Round-8
              Orchideeën 5–3 Zotteeik
            Benson Foxes 3–3 Kierhuizen Boys
              De Tike FC 4–1 Boldsea FC
         Fortuna Städeli 0–3 Standard Lily
            OSA-Cyclista 1–0 FC Städeli
               Deltic FC 4–0 Tijhuis Archimedes
             HPV Waallen 0–1 Old Shakerssens
          BSSC Driessche 2–2 Sturm Havn
      St. Gight's Albion 3–1 St. Bernadine Academical
          Septentriennes 4–2 Taxhavn City

Round-9
            Taxhavn City 2–3 Orchideeën
St. Bernadine Academical 4–5 Septentriennes
              Sturm Havn 5–2 St. Gight's Albion
         Old Shakerssens 7–4 BSSC Driessche
      Tijhuis Archimedes 0–2 HPV Waallen
              FC Städeli 2–0 Deltic FC
           Standard Lily 3–2 OSA-Cyclista
              Boldsea FC 2–0 Fortuna Städeli
         Kierhuizen Boys 4–2 De Tike FC
                Zotteeik 2–3 Benson Foxes

Round-10
              Orchideeën 5–1 Benson Foxes
              De Tike FC 2–3 Zotteeik
         Fortuna Städeli 1–3 Kierhuizen Boys
            OSA-Cyclista 4–3 Boldsea FC
               Deltic FC 1–2 Standard Lily
             HPV Waallen 0–2 FC Städeli
          BSSC Driessche 1–1 Tijhuis Archimedes
      St. Gight's Albion 5–3 Old Shakerssens
          Septentriennes 1–1 Sturm Havn
            Taxhavn City 4–2 St. Bernadine Academical

Round-11
St. Bernadine Academical 1–1 Orchideeën
              Sturm Havn 0–2 Taxhavn City
         Old Shakerssens 5–2 Septentriennes
      Tijhuis Archimedes 0–1 St. Gight's Albion
              FC Städeli 0–2 BSSC Driessche
           Standard Lily 3–3 HPV Waallen
              Boldsea FC 5–1 Deltic FC
         Kierhuizen Boys 6–2 OSA-Cyclista
                Zotteeik 3–5 Fortuna Städeli
            Benson Foxes 2–4 De Tike FC

Golden Balls
Mikkel Bukt (PUG), Old Shakerssens

Bardo Mk.2?

It's great to see Gnejsian striker Georg Bardo back and banging them in for Septentriennes after missing virtually the whole season last time with a serious injury that had everyone wondering if he was going to recover. He did, and he's on it again. But he's been eclipsed so far by his countryman Mikket Bukt at Old Shakerssens, who has been rolling teams over as The Shakers make the kind of start they thought they were going to get last year when they signed all those Audioslav World Cup winners. If they found the all-out attacking football of the SteuerLig hard to master last season, they seem to have got the hang of it this time as the team go toe-to-toe with reigning champions Orchideeën. Up top Kjartan Lúnquerque looks much more settled and with new head coach Johan Messerschmidt changing his role from 9 to false-9 and 10, he looks considerably better playing assist-king to Bukt, who has really upped his own game. More chances, better accuracy, increased mileage, more touches in the box, greater expected goals and improved conversion rates mean he leads the scoring charts so far in Lig-1 and has caught the eye the way Bardo did in his pomp.

Sick Notes
Injury News From The SteuerLig

Arrigo Napoleoni out for the season

The Frigates star winger, who played a central role in their surprising but ultimately unsuccessful tilt at the title last season, has reported back to training with a slipped disk and apparently is unlikely to see any football this season, which will be a terrible blow to their chances of repeating such a thrilling season. Meanwhile Taxhavn City and Standard Lily both beging the season with injury woes, particularly at City where both Rik Dam and brand new defensive signing Jurrijn op Sonnebeld from Orchideeën are out. Rik's well reported tangle with a sea barrier in his Tachyon supercar will keep him away for at least another season, while Jurrijn's torn ACL means his debut for his new team will likely not come for another twelve months. The bad news continues Isaac de Wale also out for the start of the season, while Lily lose two Delts in Chad Quittman and Hadrian Cross until the winter break at least. Auprussian midfielder Sen Aix-Chaglau will be sweating on his selection for their World Cup campaign after reporting injured to his new club, Boldsea FC.

Major players with long-term injuries
ST Rik Dam, 32, Taxhavn City
DL Jurrijn op Sonnebeld, 25, Taxhavn City
ML Arrigo Napoleoni, 25, FC Städeli
ST Oliver Lontz	(PIS), 25, De Tike FC

Key players to miss a spell
DC Isaac de Wale, 24, Taxhavn City
DL Asa Awestorm, 28, Deltic FC
DR Chad Quittman, 23, Standard Lily
MR Hadrian Cross, 22, Standard Lily
DC Töbe Aerle, 26, FC Städeli
ML Rai Mazzanti, 29, Kierhuizen Boys
ST Vasco Carneiro, 27, Fortuna Städeli
AM Sen Aix-Chaglau (AUP), 27, Boldsea FC

Interregional Football
IFCF Preliminary Rounds

The 24th IFCF Champions League
It was not a good preliminary start to the season's interregional campaigns with all Taxhavnite teams that were required to play to qualify for the group stages of the main competitions failing to do so. While Zotteeik and St. Gight's Albion impressed in the Liga-B qualifiers to ensure a 100% representation in the group stages of that tournament, Taxhavn City and Septentriennes, both double-dipped out of the Champions League and the Challengers Cup, despite City showing some early promise with a famous elimination of the mighty Metropolis Alligators in the second qualifying round. It leaves Orchideeën and FC Städeli as the two representatives in the Champions League groups, which is still the most ever for Taxhavn.

Second Qualifying Round

(TAX)                    Taxhavn City    5–3    Metropolis Alligators           (VLD)   3–3   2–0 

Third Qualifying Round

(TAX)                    Taxhavn City    0–1    VLC FC                          (EFL)   0–0   0–1 
(DAR)           Tempala United Saints    5–4    Septentriennes                  (TAX)   3–1   2–3  (aet)

The 24th IFCF Challengers Cup
The failures to qualify continued with all three hopefuls going out in disappointing fashion to lower-ranked teams; Deltic FC, top of the world two seasons ago, are straight out in the third qualifying round and immediately end their interregional season. Both Taxhavn City and Septentriennes started with big wins after dropping out of the Champions League early, but face another relegation to the Associations Trophy after crashing out in the play-off round, to complete a disappointing start to the interregionals for Taxhavnite teams.

Third Qualifying Round

(INS)                New Hind City FC    5–2    Deltic FC                       (TAX)   5–1   0–1 

Fourth qualifying round

(VLD)                        Nacional    1–6    Taxhavn City                    (TAX)   0–1   1–5
(DHE)             Draegynsreim United    1–8    Septentriennes                  (TAX)   1–5   0–3

Play-Off Round

(CGS)                   Club Hungária    1–0    Taxhavn City                    (TAX)   0–0   1–0 
(KNZ)                     Armada Kotr    2–0    Septentriennes                  (TAX)   1–0   1–0

The 24th IFCF Liga B Champions Trophy
It wasn't all bad, though. Newly-promoted Zotteeik and St. Gight's Albion will join Sturm Havn in the Liga-B group stages after convincing play-off wins. Eeek! in particular caught the eye with two solid wins over Wopen Warriors, while The Saints, everyone's surprise package from last year's Lig-2 season, continue their impressive start to the season with a solid win over Red Perets.

Playoff Round

(ZEN)                  Wopen Warriors    1–7    Zotteeik                        (TAX)   0–4   1–3
(TAX)              St. Gight's Albion    3–1    Red Perets                      (BHR)   3–0   0–1

UnderLigen
News From Down Below

Clowning about at McCunnald FC

Kosterdam, a grey and brown suburb of the mighty industrial city of Amstell in the north of the Isle of Taxhavn, sandwiched between the grimy River Düben and the slurried channels of Amstell Harbour, has little to shout about these days except the fact it is home to the greatest fast food manufacturer in all the Wide Enness Ocean, and a comical works football team that once won two titles back in the late twenties. Back then football across the isle was not unified and works teams, some of the most powerful and financially resourced clubs, competed in the WorksLigen, and to win anything there was an impressive feat when you were up against the likes of BSN (now Septentriennes) and OSA - two of the most decorated sides in Taxhavn football history. Even Stadler Works were the big brother in the Städeli family with FC Städeli the little associate... the complete opposite of today. In Kosterdam the McCunnald family had made their fortunes in food importation with facilities close to the port of Amstell, as well as holding extensive farmlands in their original homeland of [nation]Sceálta Grinn[/nation]. They liked to brand themselves as the family that fed Taxhavn, and as part of their huge operations, they ran the works football team that rose to success and won two league titles.

People often mistakenly think it was the brothers Runnald and Dunnald who founded both the company and the club, but it was not. Their contribution was the corporation's pivot to processed foods and fast-food restaurants in the thirties, and the decline of the works team which followed their remodelling and the adoption of the famous Ray Chubby Clown mascot - leading of course to the modern team nickname of 'The Clowns'. The Clowns were a joke team from the forties onward and it was an incredible act of financial chicanery and widespread bribes that got the team a place in the founding national league, the SteuerLig, when it commenced in '59. With only one division, and no relegations, McCunnald were able to firmly cement their place as one of the worst teams in SteuerLig history with frequent bottom-place finishes. When the second tier was finally introduced in '89, McCunnald finished bottom, becoming the first team to be relegated. They haven't been back, although, under the eye of current CEO and heir to the family fortune Dunnald McCunnald VI (or Dunn Jr.), they are shaking off their Ray Chubby Clown reputation, and might even, one day, return to the top flight. It is hard to imagine, but distinctly possible.

SteuerLig-98
Lig-2 Update

Dragons On Fire

The suspicion of political shenanigans influencing games at ASMV won't go away, what with the Island's First Resident, Donna Maw, a big fan and investor. But you can't deny that Deltic striker Henry Lightman is getting back to his sensational best back in his teenage years, banging them in for fun and making the division look easy. He's been here before and struggled, but this time he looks a different Henry. The good one. Meanwhile all three relegated teams have had solid starts, with Raven looking the best placed to challenge for the Lig-2 title at this early juncture.


   SteuerLig-2 Leaders          Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 ASMV St. Bernadine            11    7   4   0    33   14  +19    25
 2 Raven Thöni                   11    6   4   1    27   20   +7    22
 3 Napoleon St. Bernadine        11    6   3   2    29   22   +7    21
 4 FZK-Amstell                   11    6   2   3    30   26   +4    20
 5 Urban Irminger                11    5   4   2    32   21  +11    19
 6 Motor Waallen                 11    4   6   1    25   18   +7    18

Lig-3 Update

Strong start for The Weeds

After storming to a 100% record in the third tier of regional football last season, Dandelion Town were granted special dispensation to compete in the regional play-offs for promotion to the SteuerLig, and won. This time around they have lost twice, their first two defeats since Bardo, Andersson and Bukt took over the leadership and recruited the Gnejs World Cup '99 team to represent. But they are going well, and remain only one win off the top of the table. The last unbeaten record in the division is with surprise package Scarab St. Bernadine, perennial strugglers who seem to have hit a magic vein of form.


   SteuerLig-3 Leaders          Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 Achilles Portugaal            11    8   1   2    29   14  +15    25
 2 Scarab St. Bernadine          11    7   4   0    24   13  +11    25
 3 Stadler Works                 11    7   3   1    22   11  +11    24
 4 Dandelion Town FC             11    7   2   2    31   22   +9    23
 5 Axis Driessche                11    6   3   2    23   15   +8    21
 6 FFC Mesocyclone               11    5   4   2    22   17   +5    19

Sack Race
Manager Ins & Outs

No shots fired

Despite the increased number of relegation places and therefore the increased anxiety around the dropzone, no-one has yet pulled the trigger. There is some traction on the rumour that Taxhavn City coach Hubie Kramer is about to jump ship to Deltic FC, with both teams having poor starts that were predicted in the stars... or at least by analysts who could see they'd had poor transfer windows. Conversely it could be that despite the increase in teams facing the drop, more of them feel confident that with the relegation play-off system, they will be able to escape the drop and therefore need to hold their nerve a little at this point. But who ever heard of a club chair holding their nerve? Guns are loaded, fingers are on triggers, it's just that no-one has squeezed yet. It's coming.

Out First?: Seamus Awton, Tijhuis Archimedes - 1/4 at TaxBet
Three top coaches from the valley are struggling - Hubie Kramer at Taxhavn City, Davey Tinnalt at Deltic FC, and Seamus Awton at the Owls. That is the most surprising of the three - he's shown solid progress in building back from previous relegation frights and was expected to kick on. If he can't turn it around soon, he may be the first to go - Archimedes are not going to want another relegation battle so soon after the last one.

Injury Time
World Cup 100 Final Stadium Is Complete

The Lithico™ stadium deal - what's that about?

Just as the One Hundredth NS World Cup completed it's marathon qualification cycle of 10,875 nations whittled down to 48 for the trip to Tikariot, The Kytler Peninsulae and, err, Kwrpania, FA-Tax announced the completion of the seemingly redundant World Cup stadium that was designed to host the final, should the winning bid have come from Farfadillis, Paradystopia and Wight. With an astonishing 100,100-seat capacity officially in honour of the 100th tournament, and based on Soccer Island in the SoccerLand football theme park looming over the much smaller Curlew Park stadium where Bonesea FC play in the SteuerLig, The Lithico™ is by some margin the biggest arena in Taxhavn and one of the most magnificently eccentric stadiums in world soccer. Building it was not without it's problems - including the forced relocation of nearly a million refugees who had been living on von Arnold Island (its official, former name) before the grand plan to build an HQ for the Taxhavn national team; the defection of tens of thousands of workers less than half way through the build for better pay and working conditions just over the road at the Curlew Park construction site which was started after and finished well before The Lithico™; FA-Tax' decision to call it The Lithico™ - some very dodgy money (even by Taxhavn standards) coming in from the aggressive and some might say cancerous corporate microstate from Farfadillis; the many unfortunate deaths caused by ramping up the construction speed to complete the stadium in time for the centenary event; the failure of Farfadillis, Paradystopia and Wight to win the rights to host the World Cup; and FA-Tax' decision to proceed with conversion from a plain old national stadium (which wasn't needed anyway since the national team don't play at home, they only play in the IAC tournament wherever that is hosted bi-annually) into a world class World Cup stadium before the host vote had been held.

The fact that Taxhavn isn't in Farfadillis, Paradystopia or Wight had not deterred FA-Tax from a grand scheme to host the final, and with enough money of their own to talk the language that Lithico™ executives would understand, they secured a deal with the host team and - voila! - we have The Lithico™. But what we don't have, collectively, are the rights to host the tournament. FA-Tax remains undeterred, offering the venue to the three elected hosts and even calling on all nations - all 10,875 of them - to pressure the host nations into opening up a new vote for the World Cup final venue. All very unconstitutional and potentially likely to get Taxhavn banned from the WCC. Except they aren't a member and never have been. Rumour has it they will continue to find ways to bribe or blackmail officials from the host associations into switching locations for the famous centenary final, and may continue to hawk the venue out to future hosts of future World Cups. There must be someone corrupt enough out there to take a deal, we just need to check with the Audioslav Monitoring Committee, they'll have a few suggestions. In the meantime, The Lithico™ may well be the biggest unused football stadium in the whole multiverse.

The Wide Enness Ocean
The key to Wightling puppetry
* Nationalities marked with an asterisk are part of the Wightling Commonwealth:

AAN  Aaan		HUI  Huaite 		NYY  Namayyan			SOY  Soyo
AUR  Auronne		HVM  Hvammstang		OSM  Osmania			TAM  Tamarindia
BBS  Barbary Salé 		IDM  Íle de Martín		PLV  Palava			TEQ  Tequilo
BEO  Beomark		IPN  Ipanema		POI  Poix			TRQ  Terraque
BOH  Bohobe 		JLA  Jelah		PSI  Portsea & Spice Islands	URQ  Uraqq		
BSE  Bonesea		KKA  Kukalaya		RRP  République Rivière		USO  Usorno		
CMU  Chímu		MAK  Makongo		RSG  Royal Saxe-Gotha	  	WGT  Wight	
COS  Costelloa 		MNO  Monozygotia		RXX  Rosicruxxia			XIN  Xindao	
CRN  Cernan 		MPK  Malproksimen		SCG  Scéalta Grinn			ZGA  Zenega	 
DLT  Delte		MUS  Mustardy		SCY  Scythia			ZZR  Zykotik Zoviet Republicz	
HSP  Hispanola		NIB  Nibelunga		SLT  Saltern Island		

OOC  The Wightling Commonwealth, of which Taxhavn is also a member, is the commonwealth of Wightling puppets.
OBV.

by **Taxhavn** » Thu Nov 27, 2025 1:02 am

SteuerLig-98
Part 2/4: The Slog Is On - Autumn Rolls In

It's just a bit of drizzle: the weather has changed as the season hits full swing and then takes a break in the middle. After twenty-two rounds of the SteuerLig players will have a brief holiday and while foreign types might return to a visit to the homeland, the locals will doubtless revive the traditional country break to the Delte Valley, what with the end of Uncivil War and all that... or maybe not. We'll see. More adventurous Taxhavnites might pay for off-grid trips to the revived realms of New Montreal States and Nethertopia but players won't be allowed to take such risks. As it happens it's the World Cup Finals during the season break so I guess most will be watching that and a few SteuerLig veterans will be trying out their punditry skills. Anyway. Before all that, lets take a look at how things panned out before the break.

In Others Words
Quotes From Those That Matter

In this issue we recall the saucy line of cheeky chappy Boldsea head coach and resident SteuerLig observational comic Mosey Ackanard, who seems to be getting all the quotes press this season ahead of regular quotable, Georg Bardo.

Managing a SteuerLig club is like making love to a mermaid... you should always be aiming for a top half finish

- The coach from Bonesea with the wit and the wisdom to match his football heritage gives his opinion on the massive relegation fight in the lower half of the table.

Blood, Sweat & Tiers
Aubinsville Kickers

Montrealaise go home!

The World Cup has had a significant impact on Aubinsville town and its football team, the Kickers. When New Montreal States appeared back in the multiverse again to declare they would once more compete in the World Cup, the Kickers immediately lost their head coach and several young players. Taxhavn immigration policy kicked in and sent all the Montrealaise refugees home. It was another hard blow for the club.

The Kickers are the team on von Arnold Island - or Soccer Island, to use its modern moniker - set up by Orchideeën club captain and Polarian refugee Aslak Hrafninnsson. When his nation ceased to exist, inevitably the Polarian boat people started turning up in St. Bernadine Bay, along with the Osssidiacquans and Penthaelyssians and Bleak Islanders. Before them it was the Tero al Discoans, Basel-Triesians and Dispertagos; before that Eurans, Vilitans, Licentians, Schottians, Andossans... you name it, when the countries experience Catastrophic Termination Events (CTEs), there's usually a boat full of refugees in the Bay by the end of the week. When FA-Tax bought von Arnold Island and started work on the SoccerLand theme park, there were estimates of over one million squatters who needed rehoming - most of them heading off to the archipelago outcroppings of Le Tissier and Crugge, you know, out of sight, out of mind. About 50,000 of the healthiest and most responsible sounding refugees were permitted to stay as the labour force for the SoccerLand theme park, including the construction of their own company town of Aubinsville - and from there, Aslak got involved, discovered young Orchideeën starlet Kelvin Bisgaard-Hagen kicking a ball about the construction site, and formed a club of refugees - the Kickers - who play in the bottom tier of the Southern League.

But World Cup 100 brought a new set of challenges to the club. Nations often revive - Schottia, for example - after a long period in the darkness following a CTE, and at the Kickers they are used to losing a repatriated player or two every now and then. But the symbolic significance of the 100th World Cup brought back a host of nations all at once and the team lost their Montrealaise, Nethertopians and others in one go. Closer to home, both the Gnejsians and Andossan refugees formed their own clubs with significant support and early success - Dandelion Town FC and ASMV St. Bernadine respectively both members of the SteuerLig. Then of course FA-Tax did a deal to build the World Cup Final stadium, the Lithico™, and a lot of hardy workers from Aubinsville were callously spent in the emergency construction under Fluid Time conditions, whilst rumours persist to this day that a large group of able-bodied men and women and even some children have been 'disappeared' to Farfadillis, press-ganged into the eternal civil wars courtesy of a Lithico™ 'recruitment drive'. For the Kickers, this is an everyday threat to their existence. Fortunately for them, and tragically for the people involved, there is always a new boat sailing into St. Bernadine harbour. Why, just this week some sorry-looking questing knights from New-Addlebrand washed up on Aubin's Beach seeking sanctuary. The Soccer Island Baywatch confiscated all their rusty swords and religious paraphernalia, put them up in the beach huts and gave them a football to play with. Can any of the former knights cut the mustard? Only time will tell.

Match of the Autumn
Old Shakerssens 6–1 Standard Lily
Round 18: Shakers Warm Up For Winter

Old Shakerssens produced a swaggering performance at Jacquemeux in Havn, dismantling Standard Lily 6–1 in a match that grew increasingly chaotic as the minutes ticked on, looking for all the world like they'd already started the Winter Rules with the expanded goals and leniency for strikers. Standard struck first against the run of play when Indussian Djetson Hasle fired home on 27 minutes, punishing the hosts’ early wastefulness in front of goal. But from that moment the match flipped dramatically in the Shakers' favour. Captain Enor Perro levelled only four minutes later after surging onto a clever pass from Audioslav advanced midfielder Denzel Keegan, and Keegan himself made it 2–1 shortly after, finishing a move sparked by striker and fellow countryman Kjartan Lúnquerque. Old Shakerssens dominated every metric thereafter — 62% possession, 28 shots to just 3, xG of 92.u6 whatever that even means — and Standard never recovered their shape or composure. Their frustration mounted visibly, and when Ang Bao Kana’s heavy challenge in the 51st minute drew loud appeals but no red card, tension simmered and temperatures rose.

The contest finally boiled over in the 81st minute, when a scuffle erupted involving substitute centre-back Junior Cavatta and Pollen Counters defender Milan Lazo, who had already been booked early in the match. Both players were cautioned in the aftermath, and Lazo’s second yellow resulted in his dismissal. From there, the match collapsed entirely for the visitors. The Shakers scored three times in added time: first an unfortunate own goal by goalkeeper Jon Moe, deflecting a late strike from Mikkel Bukt; then Bukt added one of his own minutes later; and finally, player of the match Denzel Keegan completed his hat-trick with a last gasp dagger after another assist from Lúnquerque. By the end, Standard were clinging on, collecting late cards and retreating deeper with every wave of pressure, while Johan Messerschmidt's hosts strutted to the final whistle.

Player of the match: Denzel Keegan (AUD), Old Shakerssens

Did Somebody Say 'Takeaway'?
Five Things We Learned In Rounds 12-22

The World Cup is coming and so is the winter break

Box-Office - Orchideeën have been ever-present at the top, still the league’s entertainers, but other teams (FC Städeli, Septentriennes) have figured out how to drag points off them. But they are a nose in front in what looks a two-horse race.

Mid-Season Rampage - Septentriennes gone from 'promising' to the form side in the division, battering mid-table teams and shutting the door at the back, keeping pace with the Nurserymen and winning five on the bounce to close out for the break.

Chasing Hard - Early on FC Städeli were 3/4 merchants, leaking and scoring in equal measure. From mid-season onwards, they’ve turned into a grim, professional points machine, fighting up to third and looking for the leaders to drop points.

Whiplash - The Shakers have become pure chaos: still capable of annihilating sides, but now dropping points everywhere. What happened to the early-season juggernaut?

From Promise to Plummet - St. Gight’s Albion have fallen off a cliff, slipping back toward the relegation chatter just as the fanbase started dreaming higher. Just one win in ten puts them in serious trouble.


   SteuerLig-1                  Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 Orchideeën                    22   15   5   2    65   36  +29    50
 2 Septentriennes                22   15   4   3    62   38  +24    49
 3 FC Städeli                    22   10   7   5    42   31  +11    37
 4 Standard Lily                 22   11   4   7    55   53   +2    37
---------------------------------------------------------------------- 
 5 Kierhuizen Boys               22   10   6   6    62   52  +10    36
 6 Sturm Havn                    22   10   6   6    45   40   +5    36
 7 Old Shakerssens               22   10   5   7    67   48  +19    35
---------------------------------------------------------------------- 
 8 HPV Waallen                   22   11   2   9    39   35   +4    35
 9 De Tike FC                    22    8   5   9    42   41   +1    29
10 Fortuna Städeli               22    7   6   9    46   50   −4    27
11 Deltic FC                     22    7   5  10    38   44   −6    26
12 Taxhavn City                  22    8   2  12    43   52   −9    26
13 Tijhuis Archimedes            22    6   7   9    49   52   −3    25
14 BSSC Driessche                22    6   7   9    42   45   −3    25
---------------------------------------------------------------------- 
15 Boldsea FC                    22    7   6   9    43   46   −3    24* 3 point deduction
16 Zotteeik                      22    6   4  12    46   58  −12    22
17 Benson Foxes                  22    5   7  10    35   55  −20    22
---------------------------------------------------------------------- 
18 St. Gight's Albion            22    5   5  12    44   56  −12    20
19 St. Bernadine Academical      22    4   8  10    41   58  −17    20
20 OSA-Cyclista                  22    7   3  12    53   69  −16    18* 6 point deduction

Golden Balls
Ernő Szesfi, FC Städeli

Young defender having a golden ball

Pushing his claim for a place in the Farfadillis World Cup squad, young defender Ernő Szesfi has been a revelation at FC Städeli. While Custodio Reverso has been distinctly embarrassing at Kierhuizen Boys, Szesfi, 20, has quietly built the opposite reputation: composed, intelligent, and remarkably consistent for his age. Playing on the left side of Städeli’s centre back line, he has brought a maturity far beyond his years, anchoring a defence that has conceded fewer goals than at any point earlier in the campaign. His anticipation in one-v-one situations, coupled with his ability to step up into midfield and break lines with sharp vertical passes, has been instrumental in FC Städeli’s transformation into one of the league’s form sides.

Despite his growing influence there remains a lingering doubt over whether Farv selectors will notice. The national federation has a long and painful history of overlooking its expatriate players once they cross the multiverse to Taxhavn — as Ang Bao Kana and Mere Eljas Faliri could both attest. But Szesfi’s case is becoming difficult to ignore. He has been central to multiple clean sheets, delivered a pair of crucial assists, and is earning a reputation as one of the best young defenders in the league. If Farfadillis want to refresh their squad with energy and reliability, then Szesfi — calm where Reverso is chaotic, rising where others falter — must surely be in the conversation.

Sick Notes
Injury News From The SteuerLig

Nurserymen Woes

Title defenders and contenders Orchideeën were hit with some key injuries in the run-up to the winter break with starters Valentin Fey, Saul Grazioli and Mark Ravelli all hit - the latter sweating on his place in the 100th World Cup for Kelssek. Likewise Laurent Lapix picked up a knock but should be back to feature for the national team.* Meanwhile Fortuna confirm their injured Ipaneman striker Vasco Carneiro has suffered complications and will not return this season, while they also lost Orlando de Luca from their forward line.

Major players with long-term injuries
ST Rik Dam, 32, Taxhavn City
DL Jurrijn op Sonnebeld, 25, Taxhavn City
ML Arrigo Napoleoni, 25, FC Städeli
ST Oliver Lontz	(PIS), 25, De Tike FC
ST Vasco Carneiro (IPN), 27, Fortuna Städeli

Key players missing games

DC Sal Grazioli (OSS), 25, Orchideeën
MR Valentin Fey, 29, Orchideeën	
ST Mark Ravelli (KSK), 23, Orchideeën
DL Horatio Govaerts, 26, Standard Lily	
DM Laurent Lapix (RCN), 29, Standard Lily
DM Ozan Welch (TKT), 40, Benson Foxes
DM Moses Vecchio (OSS), 27, De Tike FC
ST Carloto Desmonceaux (GVN), 26, HPV Waallen
AM Sébastien Assassiné (RRP), 22, Kierhuizen Boys
AM Orland De Luca (TAM), 32, Fortuna Städeli

* OOC: NS World Cup 100 takes place during the winter break in Taxhavn's timeline[i]

Interregional Football
IFCF Group Stage Rounds

If the preliminary rounds were largely defined by poor performances from SteuerLig clubs with all but the Liga-B teams failing to qualify for the group stages of competitions they were originally eligible for, the groups themselves went swimmingly, with every club successfully getting out of their group to play in the knockout stages of each competition. At this point, Taxhavn has never had it so good in the interregionals.

The 24th IFCF Champions League


#  Team                                  P  W  D  L  GF  GA  GD  Pts
1  CF Outineau                     KSK   6  3  2  1   8   4   4  11 
2  FC Städeli                      TAX   6  3  1  2   8   7   1  10
3  Myana                           CMT   6  2  2  2   8   7   1   8 
4  Sporting Honneur                ZEN   6  1  1  4   4  10  -6   4

#  Team                                  P  W  D  L  GF  GA  GD  Pts
1  Orchideeën                      TAX   6  4  0  2  16  10   6  12 *   
2  Athletic Saint Eleanor          EXT   6  4  0  2  15  10   5  12 * 
3  Megabrantid SC                  SRS   6  3  1  2  10  13  -3  10   
4  Dí Maozöxê                      FFD   6  0  1  5   6  14  -8   1     
*Tie broken by head to head goal difference

The 24th IFCF Challengers Cup


#  Team                                  P  W  D  L  GF  GA  GD  Pts
1  Jaglan Royals                   SRS   6  5  0  1   9   4   5  15  
2  Boldsea FC                      TAX   6  3  0  3  10  10   0   9   
3  Club Hungária                   CGS   6  2  1  3   8   8   0   7    
4  Olympia FC                      EFL   6  1  1  4   6  11  -5   4  

#  Team                                  P  W  D  L  GF  GA  GD  Pts
1  Tsear FC                        SAT   6  4  2  0  17   9   8  14    
2  Tijhuis Archimedes              TAX   6  3  0  3   8   8   0   9   
3  Schemerdrecht SVV               KOR   6  1  2  3   6  10  -4   5 *  
4  Stein-los Turkish               PAS   6  1  2  3   6  10  -4   5 *    
Tie broken by head to head results

The 14th IFCF Associations Trophy


#  Team                                            P  W  D  L  GF  GA  GD  Pts
1  Septentriennes                  TAX   6  4  2  0  13   6   7  14  
2  Club ESF                        VAL   6  3  1  2  11   8   3  10  
3  C.D. Sagrado Corazon            UNC   6  1  2  3   6  11  -5   5  
4  Inter Somorrosta                BON   6  1  1  4  10  15  -5   4

#  Team                                            P  W  D  L  GF  GA  GD  Pts
1  Taxhavn City                    TAX   6  5  0  1  15   4  11  15  
2  Draegynsreim United             DHE   6  4  0  2  11  11   0  12  
3  Bavingtor FC                    FVA   6  3  0  3  14   8   6   9  
4  Regium United                   OAM   6  0  0  6   3  20 -17   0

The 24th IFCF Liga B Champions Trophy


#  Team                                 P  W  D  L  GF  GA  GD  Pts
1  Zotteeik                       TAX   6  4  1  1  11   7   4  13  
2  Nile Bridge                    EFL   6  2  4  0   8   3   5  10  
3  Titanderth                     PAS   6  2  2  2  12   8   4   8  
4  Canalave Rangers               VLD   6  0  1  5   2  15 -13   1

#  Team                                 P  W  D  L  GF  GA  GD  Pts
1  Sturm Havn                     TAX   6  5  1  0  11   4   7  16 
2  Z'ai'ai                        CMT   6  3  2  1   6   2   4  11 
3  Gann FC                        FVA   6  1  1  4   3   7  -4   4 
4  Brasta FC                      SRS   6  1  0  5   4  11  -7   3

#  Team                                 P  W  D  L  GF  GA  GD  Pts
1  St. Gight's Albion             TAX   6  4  1  1  12   4   8  13
2  RC Mercanthum                  VAL   6  4  0  2   9   8   1  12   
3  Newbanks United                EXT   6  3  1  2   8   7   1  10
4  Sydberg Olympia                KOR   6  0  0  6   5  15 -10   0

The 24th IFCF Rising Stars Cup


#  Team                                            P  W  D  L  GF  GA  GD  Pts
1  Myana U-18s                               CMT   6  4  1  1  12   5   7  13 *
2  CF Outineau                               KSK   6  4  1  1  11   7   4  13 *  
3  FC Städeli                                TAX   6  1  2  3  10  15  -5   5  
4  Sporting Honneur                          ZEN   6  0  2  4   9  15  -6   2  
Tie broken by goal difference

#  Team                                            P  W  D  L  GF  GA  GD  Pts
1  Dí Maozöxê                                FFD   6  2  4  0   8   5   3  10 
2  Orchideeën                                TAX   6  2  3  1   6   5   1   9  
3  Whitehammer CS                            EXT   6  2  2  2   6   5   1   8 
4  Megabrantid SC                            SRS   6  1  1  4   9  14  -5   4

TaxPokal
Distinct lack of bananas

With the eleven Lig-1 teams all joining in the second round of the Cup, and only one being eliminated in the single Lig-1 pairing where Benson Foxes lost at home to Kierhuizen Boys in extra time, this competition has so far failed to provide any surprises save perhaps for BSSC needing extra time to see off Lig-3 strugglers Lokomotiv Devengein. Fortuna hit eight past Five Star for the biggest win of the round, and ASMV, the Lig-2 high flyers, failed terribly in their opportunity to take a major scalp, going down 4-0 at Standard Lily. If they are cooking the books and paying the refs in Lig-2 as many suggest, they certainly forgot to bring the cheques this time. Dandelion Town FC, another dark horse for a run in this competition, disappointed too, going out on penalties in the first round at Löwen Bessendorf after a 3-3 draw.

[i]Match of the round highlighted

First Round
       Axis Driessche 1–1 Boilinghouse Nettle (3–2 AET)
   Helvétique Rangers 2–1 Torpedo Tijhuis
      Völker Merzberg 2–2 FZK-Amstell (2–3 AET)
         Schwänenclub 2–2 Olimpia Oranjestadt (2–2 AET) (3–4 pen.)
        AZ Exloërveen 5–4 Tulip Maartenstadt
       Urban Irminger 1–1 Rotor Küsneuve (1–2 AET)
 St. Bernadine Apollo 2–3 Five Star St. Bernadine
      Energia Niekerk 0–2 1860 Delénacht
   ASMV St. Bernadine 3–2 McCunnald FC
     Löwen Bessandorf 3–3 Dandelion Town FC (3–3 AET) (3–2 pen.)
Roterlicht Knokschäft 2–3 Lokomotiv Devengein
        Motor Waallen 3–1 Watling Street Ramblers
         HKB Merzberg 2–2 FFC Mesocyclone (3–4 AET)
   Achilles Portugaal 1–1 VF Merzberg (1–2 AET)
 Rankfelden Cardinals 4–1 Orping-Tinkers
 Scarab St. Bernadine 4–1 Trojan Portugaal
            Immenmold 1–2 Rot-Westenweiler
        Stadler Works 2–2 Meteor Maartenstadt (2–2 AET) (5–4 pen.)
          Raven Thöni 1–2 VF Nibelungengraf

Second Round        
       1860 Delénacht 3–3 St. Bernadine Academical (4–4 AET) (2–3 pen.)
          FZK-Amstell 6–1 VF Nibelungengraf
      Fortuna Städeli 8–2 Five Star St. Bernadine
        AZ Exloërveen 1–1 Olimpia Oranjestadt (2–1 AET)
          HPV Waallen 2–1 Motor Waallen
 Rankfelden Cardinals 4–0 Scarab St. Bernadine
       Rotor Küsneuve 2–2 VF Romainring (2–3 AET)
      FFC Mesocyclone 0–4 Old Shakerssens
        Stadler Works 2–0 Rot-Westenweiler
       Axis Driessche 1–2 Napoleon St. Bernadine
         Benson Foxes 3–3 Kierhuizen Boys (3–5 AET)
          VF Merzberg 1–4 De Tike FC
  Lokomotiv Devengein 0–0 BSSC Driessche (0–2 AET)
        Standard Lily 4–0 ASMV St. Bernadine
     Löwen Bessandorf 2–5 Deltic FC
   Helvétique Rangers 1–2 OSA-Cyclista

With three all-Lig-1 pairings the highlight is certainly two of the favourites clashing at the Havnstadion as local rivals Standard Lily and Old Shakerssens will renew hostilities. The Shakers smashed Lily for six in the league recently and Standard will want revenge for that. Holders HPV go to Fortuna, while Kierhuizen Boys have a tricky visit to BSSC. Meanwhile Deltic FC also find themselves in a local tussle as they are drawn at home to their tenants and feeder club VF Romainring. Since the Delts took over control of Romainring, the latter have been banned from playing in Lig-1 as an affiliate club, and their fans are less than impressed. Here's a chance for them to make a statement about it.

Third Round Draw
        AZ Exloërveen vs. St. Bernadine Academical
       BSSC Driessche vs. Kierhuizen Boys
          FZK-Amstell vs. De Tike FC
        Stadler Works vs. Napoleon St. Bernadine
        Standard Lily vs. Old Shakerssens
      Fortuna Städeli vs. HPV Waallen
            Deltic FC vs. VF Romainring
 Rankfelden Cardinals vs. OSA-Cyclista

UnderLigen
News From Down Below

The rehabilitation of Axis Driessche

Regular readers will recall the recent fall of die Totalitaristen thanks to their hooligan ultras, the Shocktroopers, and an intransigent chairman in controversial chemicals billionaire Florentius Keusen, an outspoken flag-bearer for META (Make Everyone in Taxhavn Affluent). After a single chaotic season in SteuerLig-1 where their fans smashed the place up and Keusen offended everyone in the Directors Club and beyond, FA-Tax enforced a double relegation to Lig-3 and a five year ban from the possibility of promotion, which they are now unhappily serving. Unrepentent in his first year at the third tier, Keusen insisted he would lawsuit his way out of trouble and urged his Shocktroopers to keep fighting for 'justice, affluence and The Taxhavnite Dream' ...whatever that even means. The 'troopers didn't care - they only needed half an excuse to riot especially as they were joined in the division by another double relegation team in the same season with deadly political and football rivals 1860 Delénacht. The left-leaning club from just up the road were being punished for the unthinkable in Taxhavn: going bust. That first year down in Lig-3 was a complete nightmare for everyone, but as canny observers would point out, you never heard about it because it wasn't Lig-1. At the end of the first season, FA-Tax took radical action, adding another five years to the promotion ban (meaning Axis won't get out of the division until season 106, minimum), with complete expulsion from the league suspended for the next three seasons subject to good behaviour, and the enforced removal of Florentius Keusen from club operations - at Axis or anywhere else in football - for five years, with a further five years suspended. He's still the owner, of course, and he can still bang on about the great populist dupe of META, but he can't run the football club. Additionally, in order to keep their Lig-3 licence, the club had to allow FA-Tax to have a deciding vote on the new CEO, as well as their own auditing officer on the board for three seasons.

Axis appointed the SteuerLig-approved football executive Franz Heltzer to the top role at the club, poaching him from Lig-2 side Motor Waallen who are considered an extremely well-run and low-controversy club despite being the former works team of Motozintla, the bus manufacturer who have a whole range of controversial executives and controversial controversies in their controversial portfolio. Heltzer is considered a man who can keep a lid on things. Mélodie Becker is the Chief Audit Officer appointed by FA-Tax to work alongside him, and she is an accountant of impeccable record, within the context of Taxhavn. Because Taxhavn, obviously. Last season Heltzer and Becker banned the Shocktroopers completely from Axis Arena and from acquiring awayday tickets, and whilst the ultras group still exists and is determined to force its way back into club culture, Heltzer is not budging. Riot complaints dropped by 83% in the first season, last year - enough to keep Axis in the league for another season. Now that 1860 have been promoted out of the division, Heltzer and Becker will be confident of chipping away solidly at the remaining 17%. Rumour has it they have people on the inside of the Shocktrooper organisation who are using industrial espionage techniques to undermine what little operating skills are left in the group, and there has even been speculation that Becker is targeting META next. Could Axis Driessche - the Totalitarians - be leading the way in breaking up the greatest (and most ridiculous) threat to political stability in Taxhavn? Axis Driessche? Axis Driessche? Come on... surely not!

SteuerLig-98
Lig-2 Update

Can little Napoleon stop the Dragons

The club that began life as an academic department of the University of St. Bernadine with a profound interest in the lost nation of Andossa Se Mitrin Vega looks destined for glory thanks to serious money investment, questionable refereeing, high-level governmental support and Henry Lightman, the young Deltic striker who is recapturing his youthful genius. They look well on course for a double promotion after winning Lig-3 at a canter last season. But they haven't had it all their own way, with relative newcomers Napoleon, only promoted out of Lig-3 three seasons ago, look set to challenge, while FZK have mounted a surprise campaign to return to the top flight where, as a big club, they are sorely missed. Can ASMV get over the disappointment of not seeing their favourite nation rematerialise in the multiverse for World Cup 100, à la New Montreal States? Or can the Little Generals overhaul them with only the champions guaranteed to go up this season?


   SteuerLig-2 Leaders          Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 ASMV St. Bernadine            22   15   4   3    59   30  +29    49
 2 Napoleon St. Bernadine        22   13   6   3    60   44  +16    45
 3 FZK-Amstell                   22   13   4   5    54   47   +7    43
 4 Urban Irminger                22   11   6   5    55   38  +17    39
 5 Helvétique Rangers            22   11   4   7    59   46  +13    37
 6 Raven Thöni                   22   10   7   5    56   49   +7    37
 7 McCunnald FC                  22   10   4   8    53   48   +5    34

Lig-3 Update

Weeds All Over Lig-3

Even with the dominating half-seasons of Orchideeën, Septentriennes and ASMV St. Bernadine, it is Dandelion Town FC who go into the winter break with the most points in the league. The team owned by Gnejsian stars Mikkel Bukt, Hibiskus Andersson and of course Georg Bardo, coached by former World Cup coach Timotej Hansen and featuring most of the Gnejsian national team who escaped The Petrification catastropic termination event of their homeland on account of being in the finals of World Cup 99 at the time, are enjoying life in the third tier. Disappointed not to have progressed further in the TaxPokal which they had hopes of throwing a few surprises, they will concentrate on the league - and that's not great news for Axis, Scarab, and The Ramblers.


   SteuerLig-3 Leaders          Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 Dandelion Town FC             22   16   3   3    69   39  +30    51
 2 Axis Driessche                22   15   5   2    54   32  +22    50
 3 Scarab St. Bernadine          22   15   5   2    54   35  +19    50
 4 Watling Street Ramblers       22   12   5   5    50   36  +14    41
 5 Stadler Works                 22   12   4   6    40   30  +10    40
 6 Rot-Westenweiler              22   11   4   7    53   52   +1    37

Sack Race
Manager Ins & Outs

Delte-go-round

It's been a difficult season for the three Deltic managers in the league this season, and when Taxhavn City became the first to lose their patience, it started off a little game of musical chairs for the coaches from the valley. Immediately after City announced Kramer and his assistant Elyas West had gone, Davey Tinnalt at Deltic FC resigned. This was probably a relief for the Exiles, who like to present themselves as 'not a sacking club' but were starting to realise they might need to become one, with Davey unable to turn around the club hit with a mass exodus including their legendary manager Mo Unden last season. Davey took his assistant Delver Angersson with him to Taxhavn City. With a little bit of tapping up and some mutually agreeable terms at the Oranjestadt Arena, Semaus Awton and his assistant Herman Avelson both quit Tijhuis Archimedes to sign for Deltic. In Seamus' case, this was a matter of the prodigal son returning home - he was always in line to succeed Mo Unden, but went to The Owls instead and wasn't available when Mo left. Now he's back, and he's brought his highly-rated assistant with him. Archimedes went for the next best Deltic manager available - and that was Hubie Kramer from Taxhavn City.

Round 22: Hubie Kramer, Taxhavn City; replaced by Davey Tinnalt
Round 22: Davey Tinnalt, Deltic FC (resigned); replaced by Seamus Awton
Round 22: Seamus Awton, Tijhuis Archimedes (mutual); replaced by Hubie Kramer

Out Next?: Sjef de Haas, St.Bernadine Academical - 1/4 at TaxBet
Things aren't looking great at the Scholars, where everyone seems to have run out of ideas - and that usually means reaching for the big red 'SACK THE MANAGER' button.

Injury Time
Record Signing Fails To Live Up To Expectations

Custodio Reverso & Lithico™ - what's that about?

Some say it's part of the Lithico™ World Cup stadium deal: Lithico™-owned La + Querida's second string goalkeeper, Custodio Reverso, is signed to the SteuerLig in a record-breaking ₸x39m tax shilling deal to Kierhuizen Boys, out of the blue, shortly after FA-Tax convinced the Farfadillis, Paradystopia and Wight World Cup bid team to include SoccerLand as the site of the landmark 100th World Cup final. And agreed to call the new final stadium the Lithico™. A former conscripted soldier in the genocidal wars of independence inside Farfadillis, who fought against the Lithico™ corporate microstate for Farolera, Custodio was reportedly considered 'promising despite his age', which still doesn't sufficiently explain the price tag. He may even be an instrument deployed by Lithico™ to raise backdoor funding for Banijan expansionism in Arrosia, which many see as the corporation's way of securing the electricity grid in Banija and by extension control of Banija - another Tuskoles Ygaras (head of the Lithico™ state) geopolitical hustle.

Perhaps none of this would have come to light if Reverso had not had such a bad start to his campaign with the Steelers. Looking utterly unprepared for life in Portugaal (Kierhuizen's home district), Custodio is already on the way out, thanks in large part to his position as goalkeeper. Whilst the SteuerLig does not operate a second transfer window during the mid-season winter break, there is a single exception - the 'emergency loan' provision exclusively set for clubs who find themselves with no fit keepers due to injuries. It would seem that Zotteeik suddenly find themselves short, with veteran mainstay Felix Morgan, 31, picking up some kind of unreported injury to sideline him for an undefined period of time, whilst his Chromatik backup Kevin Michaelangelo has suddenly been confined to his bed with a mystery virus and 21-year old understudy Geerardt van Steelandt peculiarly 'absent without leave.' Custodio has been signed until the end of the season, and apparently there is an obligation to buy or pay ₸x5m shillings as a get out, half of which will go to La + Querida. One must raise an eyebrow at what Zotteeik is getting for such risky business.

Of course, it might not be a grand Banijan-Lithico™ conspiracy at all, it could just be that, like last season with useless striker Tiaz, Kierhuizen Boys have simply had another terrible lapse of judgement in the transfer market. But then again, if Lithico™ were paying attention and could see just how bad the Steelers are at player recruitment, they may have conspired with FA-Tax, Paradystopian penguins, and Kierhuizen Boys executives to make it look like bad business as usual. A double, maybe triple bluff. And then of course there is the TXAF helicopter incident - but we'll come to that next time.

The Wide Enness Ocean
The key to Wightling puppetry
* Nationalities marked with an asterisk are part of the Wightling Commonwealth:

AAN  Aaan		HUI  Huaite 		NYY  Namayyan			SOY  Soyo
AUR  Auronne		HVM  Hvammstang		OSM  Osmania			TAM  Tamarindia
BBS  Barbary Salé 		IDM  Íle de Martín		PLV  Palava			TEQ  Tequilo
BEO  Beomark		IPN  Ipanema		POI  Poix			TRQ  Terraque
BOH  Bohobe 		JLA  Jelah		PSI  Portsea & Spice Islands	URQ  Uraqq		
BSE  Bonesea		KKA  Kukalaya		RRP  République Rivière		USO  Usorno		
CMU  Chímu		MAK  Makongo		RSG  Royal Saxe-Gotha	  	WGT  Wight	
COS  Costelloa 		MNO  Monozygotia		RXX  Rosicruxxia			XIN  Xindao	
CRN  Cernan 		MPK  Malproksimen		SCG  Scéalta Grinn			ZGA  Zenega	 
DLT  Delte		MUS  Mustardy		SCY  Scythia			ZZR  Zykotik Zoviet Republicz	
HSP  Hispanola		NIB  Nibelunga		SLT  Saltern Island		

OOC  The Wightling Commonwealth, of which Taxhavn is also a member, is the commonwealth of Wightling puppets.
OBV.

by **Taxhavn** » Fri Nov 28, 2025 1:24 am

The Winter Break
Now Is The Season of Our Discount Tents

The SteuerLig takes a little holiday

It's that time of the year between the autumn and spring schedules when The SteuerLig closes down for a few weeks in order for the players to get off on their trips for mid-season 'training camps' in warmer climes, like the sandy beaches of Ipanema or the plush pasturelands of southern Mustardy. At TAX Magazine we get no such lucky sunshine breaks and here on the sports desk we've been preparing a few articles to keep everyone going in the absence of some half-decent football. Terrorist and assassin for the Rake Teinton Women's Institute Brenda Bymmins is on the run - could she be in Taxhavn? What is the Winter Shield, and who won it? What on earth does eeek! mean? What's the winter rule set all about? Read on to find out this, and more...

TL;NGR

• The Winter Ruleset Expained
• Who's Off To West Pavola
• Brenda Blymmins On The Run
• The Champions, If We Stopped Now
• A Brief History of eeek!
• How Is Everybody Doing?

A Higher Goal
And No Offside

The Winter Rule Set Explained

To cheer everyone up and encourage more fans to come out on a wet and windy Tuesday night in St. Gight's, FA-Tax decided some years ago to introduce a unique approach to winter football - a temporary change to the rules, for eleven rounds of the SteuerLig season, which favours attacking football and in particular gives greater advantage to strikers, increasing the expected goals factor to an average of 8.75 and a half per match, whatever that even means. For most of the season, from kick-off through to the winter break before round 23 of 38 in the season, football on the island follows the multiversally-agreed Standardised Quotidian International System, of which I am sure you are eminently familiar even if you couldn't precisely quote the regulations. The standardised system is fine, of course - it's probably why we all love football so much; but at FA-Tax they hark back nostalgically to a time before, when teams played seven up front and the newspaper always needed extra space to list all the goalscorers of any given fixture. 'Let's have some of that when the chill sets in,' said Mert de Reeckonaere, the league's commissioner, one day when he was bored and needed something to do. With a team of experts, he came up with the New Simplicity For Strikers plan, making it much easier for teams to score multiple goals per game - or the NSFS Multiplier Ruleset, as Mert likes to call it.

No offside, 15 yard distance from free kicks, yardage penalties for additional minor infractions, goalkeepers replaced by outfield players to defend penalty kicks, much cheaper penalty kick thresholds, non-contact defending, acceptable shoulder barging by offensive players... plenty of adjustments to favour the attacking teams and create goals goals goals - it's chaos unleashed, and unusually for FA-Tax, it comes with the full seal of approval from fans (except for those of the one team that, sometime between rounds 23 and 33, will concede ten or more goals in an utter humiliation). It happens somewhere pretty much every winter. We love it.

For the season run-in, from rounds 34 to 38, rules revert back to the international standard as comedy football is set aside for the more serious business of trying to win the league/the cup/promotion/a game/anything at all. It's a unique approach to domestic football organisation and probably one the IFCF regulators privately frowns upon, whilst at the same time wishing they could have their own fifteen goals a game cake and eat it. Rumours of a new system in early phases of development, code-named the Lepidopterological Integrated Support for Attackers or the LISA system, that is setting analytical minds a-flutter at IFCF-HQ, might be the answer to FA-Tax's peculiar operating system. Following multiple scorigamis in World Cup qualifying, LISA is promising a SteuerLig Winter Blowout for everyone... always.

World Cup 100
Who's Off To West Pavola

SteuerLig players in the World Cup

The World Cup coincides with the SteuerLig's Winter Break in Taxhavn, and while the WCC refuses to allow a vote on the Lithico™ World Cup 100 Final Stadium to be the venue for the all important championship decider, that's not to say the SteuerLig won't be represented in Tikypanmo - and of course we shouldn't forget there's a Cup of Harmony too. Reigning champions Audioslavia pull the largest playing contingent from the SteuerLig this tournament with four players all coming from the single club - Goran Yurán, Gryff Gould, Denzel Keegan & Kjartan Lúnquerque all hoping to add a second World Cup medal to the ones they already have. Perennial semi-finalists Farfadillis, who have regularly supplied talent to the pool in Taxhavn but then generally refused to call them up to the national team, finally relent with FC Städeli's Ernő Szesfi getting the nod. The Frigates have three players in total at the tournament, the second largest grouping with Edsmontik keeper Elterhad der-Stoiuben and Indussian youngster Raphael O'Shaughnessy also on the trip. Indusse are the next biggest contingent from the SteuerLig after Audioslavia, with Djetson Hasle (Standard Lily) and veteran Mathias Paulson getting the nod. Paulson is an interesting one, as he has retired from playing at the end of last season and represents second-tier Napoleon St. Bernadine as assistant head coach - he's obviously kept in shape. Standard Lily of course have one of the world class players in their team at the World Cup in Laurent Lapix, perhaps the best player never to play for a world class national team or world class club... although both team and nation will be looking to fix that. There are two Auprussians in the tournament which is hardly surprising, with Taxhavn a favoured destination for some of their up and coming talent - the evergreen Morten Gallis at Tijhuis Archimedes is joined by Sen Aix-Chaglau, who switched from relegated Raven Thöni to Bolsea FC in the off-season. Orchideeën striker Lalo Ceesay looks set for a place on the Banijan tour bus and making up the fourteen-strong SteuerLig contingent, possibly, is Paradystopian slugger Leonard Lugga, although no-one is quite sure: because Paradystopia, obviously.

If Leonard's place is uncertain the World Cup - what about Tjunios José Kintina, Tupu Hau Tapine and Rawned Kassab in the Cup of Harmony? No other team has selected players from the SteuerLig except TJUN-ia, but... who are they? The official team list has two players who definitely don't play in the SteuerLig; we remember Rawned Kassab as someone who didn't break through from the not-so-Golden-after-all Golden Generation at Raven Thöni, and was released in transfer window 46; and while José Kintina still turns out for Stadler Works, Tupu Hau Tapine is listed as playing for a club that no longer exists, and we definitely don't remember him at all. How strange. But we wish him well - and maybe he can come try again in the SteuerLig sometime?

The Clench
Brenda Blymmins On The Run

The Continuing Adventures of Enda Clentin

The Deltic Uncivil War is over! The Rake Teinton Women's Institute are defeated! Margaret Honeyshine who lives in the house on Rake Corner where the chimney fire happened has signed the Order of Surrender, Spinster Lunt is still under house arrest and the Delte River Trust are back in business running the show under the watchful eye of the Wightling First Resident, Silas Falcon Lezant. Huzzah! But terrorist enforcer for the WI and assassin Brenda Blymmins, also known as Agent B2, has never been found...

In this series we have charted the second coming of Deltic coach Enda Clentin, inventor of the World Cup-winning Stoicpress, successful head coach of Delte and Gnejs, victim of the Uncivil War who nearly died several times of drowning, head injuries and bullet wounds -

Wait, what? You never heard about the bullet wounds before? Don't you read the Daily Avoidance, Taxhavn's favourite red top? Ok then, I better recap:

After a period of intensive life support and rehabilitation following an attempt on his life and the resurrection of his career as a coach - albeit in non-league, and signing because he can't speak - at Mount Shilling Casuals, his story became a key focal point of the popular movement to overthrow the WI dictatorship in the Delte valley. For a disgruntled supporter of the outcast WI, it would be easy to find the hero of the Regroup At The River movement, even though he didn't go back to the valley himself to help that movement rebuild. He stayed at the Casuals. So if say, you were a former employee of the WI, a named assassin of reporters and other key opponents of Spinster Lunt, and his ex-missus, and maybe you had tried to off him before but failed, it would be easy to track him down: just look for the fixture list of the Southern League in Taxhavn.

It was a rainy Tuesday night in Esterden, in the north-eastern district of the greater metropolitan St. Bernadine, that shots rang out from a floodlight tower approaching half time in the match between Gold Star and the Casuals. The game was tighty balanced at 1-1, and Enda was in his technical area, yelling at his forwards to press, press, press (yelling with hand gestures because, of course, he was mute since the last time Brenda Blymmins bashed him on the noggin with a hammer). Suddenly, shots fired! Down went Enda.

The game was abandoned and Enda was rushed to the emergency room. It was a long night, until finally we heard - he was going to be ok! One shot took off the top of his left ear as it grazed the side of his head, one broke his collar bone on it's way clean through his shoulder, a third pinged off his wedding ring and broke one of his knuckles. A fourth bullet hit substitute Marco Swan, sitting on the bench directly behind Enda, in the knee (he's been forced to retire). The fifth hit an advertising barrier and the sixth and final shot killed Ferdinand, the club mascot, a tame grey squirrel that would watch the Casuals home and away, and was taking in the match from on top of that advertising board whilst nibbling on the last of the autumn acorns.

There can be no doubt that such a deadly marksperson can only be Brenda, and it looks like she is in Taxhavn to clean up her unfinished business. She managed to evade stewards on the night, disabling one with a taser gun, and was confronted by two football fans who failed to prevent her escape. Football tourist and Gnejsian dog-walker Karl-Johan Vaasa (63) and his good friend Knut Svensson (65) had come to watch their second favourite team, the Casuals, when they found themselves face to face with Brenda as she dismounted the floodlight gantry. "We tried to make a citizen's arrest," explained Karl-Johan, "but as she rightly pointed out, we don't have citizenship yet for Taxhavn, and therefore, we had to release her. It's very regrettable."

Asked if they might have done things differently, Knut said "for sure we should have gone to the Immigration Office already to apply for residency, and that's on us." Brenda remains at large - the Public Enemy No. 1 and Most Wanted on the Isle of Taxhavn.

Meanwhile neither Enda nor Marco, 23, have resumed their duties, remaining under police guard until Brenda is brought to justice. Rumour has it there is a 'shoot on sight' order, with the caveat 'but try not to kill her, an ankle shot would be best, she is an old lady after all.' At Mount Shilling Casuals, assistant coach Finn Bödeker will take interim charge, and she's promised to make it a good season to honour their injured boss - they are presently third in the top division and hoping for a place in the new SteuerLig fourth division next year.

The Winter Shield
The Champions, If We Stopped Now

Orchideeën, from Septentriennes

It might be the most pointless trophy in football since the demise of the Vilitan Invitational or the Vilitoto as we like to call it. Of course there was the Waterloo Cup, which was awarded to the SteuerLig team that won qualification to the FFI Confederations Trophy - that was pretty pointless for a while when there was no Confed, and FA-Tax tried to make the Waterloo Cup a thing in itself as compensation. But then luckily the Indussians dropped a raid on the old FFI-HQ in the shabby caravan on a potato farm, and now they're running the show and the Confed is back, so the Waterloo Cup at least has a meaning again. But could there be anything more meaningless than the Winter Shield, for the team top of the league at the start of the winter break? Possibly not.

Anyway.

Orchideeën are the first winners of the new trophy, sitting proudly at the top of Lig-1 on Bitterfrost Night (the first day of winter in the Wightling calendar). What will it mean? Is it a sign they will win the league? Will it become a curse that no-one wants, because of some random statistic that says no-one wins the league in the middle of the season? Only time will tell. Congratulations to the Nurserymen.

Right Inside Zotteeik
A Brief History of eeek!

With less than a decade under their belts in the SteuerLig (this will be their 8th season after coming up from non-league) the team from Zuidern, a suburb of sprawling Oranjestadt in the north of the island, are already enjoying a second tilt at the top flight. Having only been formed in the Seventies any history of the eccentric club will necessarily be short, but not necessarily short on intrigue. As eccentricities go, this club are pushing Old Shakerssens all the way, and it is hardly a surprise that the Inside Rights production company selected eeek! as their second fly-on-the-ball soccumentary project after the Shakers. We better get right to thatnickname...

Head down to the Zottpark one Saturday afternoon and amidst all the rabble and noise of a small but rowdy crowd, you'll be somewhat startled when the whole ground suddenly - and with no apparent cue - falls almost silent. You'll be forgiven for having a minor infarction of the major aeorta a few seconds later when the whole of the home support then suddenly lets out the high-pitched and extremely sinister squeal - eeek! or eeeeeek! or sometimes even eeeeeeeeek!. It is ear-piercing and horripilation-inducing; one of the most unique fan chants in the history of the game. No-one quite knows how it came to be expressed as it is, although it obviously stems from the abbreviation of the team's name. But where did that come from? Up in the north, 'Zott' is colloquial Oranji for 'idiot' or 'lunatic' - the equivalent, approximately, of 'nutter'. 'Eeik' is what you think it is, an onomatopaeic exclamation of fright.

In the early 70s a group of friends formed a club to play in the local leagues as a social past-time; they played in the Tijhuis Dockyard League against teams like Knobbenclub, Arend Ravers and Cabbage Shins United. They were based on the old grounds of Zuidern Asylum, which was now a public park, and they called themselves the equivalent of 'Oh No, It's The Lunatics' or... Zotteeik. After eighteen months of messing about one member of the team, Danny Zurflüh, introduced his dad to his team mates. His dad was billionaire ironmonger Bert Zurflüh, who offered to support the team financially. Danny's best mate, the ironically (or is it coincidentally?) named Gil van Loon was a junior banker, and Bert offered him the job of CEO at the newly-professional club. They bought a place in the regional league, son Danny became a director and public relations office, and the team raced through the league in double-quick time thanks to Bert's money, Gil's smarts, and Danny's brilliant work in the community. Zuidern loves its Lunatics, as they used to be nicknamed before the eeek chant took off.

Winter Assessment
How Is Everybody Doing?

The season so far, in summary

TAX Magazine Pre-Season Predictions

Title Contenders: Septentriennes, Orchideeën, Old Shakerssens
IFCF Challengers: HPV Waallen, FC Städeli, Tijhuis Archimedes, Boldsea FC
Best Of The Rest: Deltic FC, Kierhuizen Boys, Standard Lily
Midtablemanships: St. Gight's Albion, De Tike FC, Taxhavn City
Look Out, Fellas: Sturm Havn, Zotteeik, Benson Foxes
Four Out of Four: BSSC Driessche, OSA-Cyclista, Fortuna Städeli, St. Bernadine Academical

Title Contenders

Septentriennes, Orchideeën, Old Shakerssens

Both Spetentriennes and Orchideeën are living up to their billing as title challengers, with the reigning champions Orchideeën just out in front by a single point. It's hard to tell how they will fare with the Winter Rules, given their general philosophy under new Vilitan coaches Sami Samiii and Reino Kononen has been attack-attack-attack, outscore the opponent. In one way bigger goals and less protection for goalkeepers will suit them the most, but a defence left to fend for itself might be vulnerable. That said, a back four marshalled by Polarian by Aslak Hrafninnsson and with the exciting addition of Jan-Bart ten Cate this season should be able to cope. The Bankers have kept pace every step of the way with Georg Bardo back to his best after missing most of last season with injury, turning this into a two horse race - the pair have opened up a 12-point gap on the chasing pack... and 13 on Old Shakerssens. Under new head coach Johan Messerschmidt they were finally living up to expectations but a disastrous run through the winter has left them seventh and well out of form. They need to regroup - Champions League looks more than possible for this capable side but surely now the title has already gone.

Revised favourite for the title: Orchideeën to retain the title.

IFCF Challengers

HPV Waallen, FC Städeli, Tijhuis Archimedes, Boldsea FC

Three of these sides presently sit outside of the interregional places, though HPV in 8th are only outside on goal difference to Old Shakerssens, and two points away from third place FC Städeli. The Heavies are looking competitive despite having to replace their iconic coach Messerschmidt, and Sébastian Menager has slotted in seamlessly. They should be in the mix. FC Städeli in third are paying for a slow start but are the form team going into the break, and will hope that the leading two will fail to maintain their impregnability - they are probably the most likely team to take advantage of that, if it happens. Meanwhile Archimedes and Boldsea are in troubling form. The latter presently sit in the relegation play-off spots, on account of their three point deduction, but even without that they would be a whole 9 points off the interregional places. For Archimedes there isn't even that excuse, and they have had a switch of manager to help improve things - although that was not necessarily the plan, with Seamus Awton leaving to take charge at Deltic. They hope Hubie Kramer will improve fortunes for the Champions League aspirants - it won't happen this season but they will not want to be fighting a relegation battle for the second time in three seasons.

Best Of The Rest

Deltic FC, Kierhuizen Boys, Standard Lily

Deltic certainly have lived up to expectations and struggled this season after a mass exodus of players - hardly their fault, and they have managed to poach Awton from Archimedes to steady the ship. It will be a forgettable season for The Exiles, but no-one would bet against them bouncing back soon. For the other two, there have been nothing but positive vibes. Well, that's probably an exaggeration on Kierhuizen's part - the Boys have been a laughing stock for their insane transfer payout on keeper flop Custodio Reverso. But after dropping the flapper, they are having their best season since coming back to Lig-1 and sit just outside the Champions League spots by a single point. Above them are Standard Lily - under new management in veteran Indussian Joseph Moteudi, no-one was expecting much of them this season but here they are, going strong, enjoying a revival.

Midtablemanships

St. Gight's Albion, De Tike FC, Taxhavn City

All three of these sides are more or less where we thought they would be. Not that any of them will be especially happy with that. A huge six-team field faces a relegation battle this season, which threatens to pull in any mid-table team that has a dip in form. Right now, with one win in ten, that team is St. Gight's, who are dropping like a stone and go into the winter in the automatic drop spots. They should have enough to get out of it, but the one crucial thing they lack is experience. Meanwhile for De Tike FC and especially Taxhavn City, treading water in the safety zone is not really enough to satisfy their ambitions. What has gone wrong at City? From two Champions League qualifications, they have gone off the rails completely, mainly we thing due to the massive legal fights they are engaged in that seem to occupy the energy of the board, the members, the fans, and by trickle-down effect, the players. Hubie Kramer won the sack race, fired after round 22, and a poor season looks inevitable.

Look Out, Fellas

Sturm Havn, Zotteeik, Benson Foxes

Sturm Havn are in the midst of pulling off the big surprise of the season - expected to struggle, they are well inside the interregional places and in Paradystopian slugger Leonard Lugga they may have uncovered the foreign player of the season, he's been that good for them. Champions League is only one point out of reach, though few would bet on them pulling that off. But certainly a very respectable season is in the offing. Got Zotteeik and the Foxes, early predictions had them fighting relegation with places in the expanded play-off scrap likely, and that seems precisely the case.

Four Outta Four

BSSC Driessche, OSA-Cyclista, Fortuna Städeli, St. Bernadine Academical

For once it seems we got it right and it looks like Academical will need a miracle to stay up. For them, this looks like the end of the road in their remarkable sojourn in the top flight, where they really have no right to be competing given the size and resources of the club. A six-point deduction for the Two Martin Rodenbergs Affair looks like it will do for OSA, who quite apart from that look pretty awful this season. BSSC are experienced battlers in the bottom half of the table who will struggle but have shown signs, especially at home, that they might yet fight their way out of this. As for Fortuna - they are going much stronger than expected, comfortably mid-table, and if they hold their nerve, it will be a pleasantly unremarkable season for them.

Still favourites for relegation: OSA-Cyclista won't escape the cost of a points deduction.

by **Taxhavn** » Sat Nov 29, 2025 1:54 am

SteuerLig-98
Part 3/4: A Freezing Cold Tuesday Night In Zuidern

Winter is here on the Isle of Taxhavn, although I have to repeat that headline is for dramatic effect only, as it never gets freezing cold at these latitudes. It's just a way of saying the mid-season break is over, and battle recommences as we approach the sharp end of the season. As is a regular feature of the league now, to cheer fans up FA-Tax change some of the rules around defending, offside, acceptable shoulder barging and so on in effort to bring more goals. Called the 'NSFS (New Simplification For Strikers) Multiplier' rule set, the idea is more goals will encourage fans to brave the downpours, and it certainly did bring more goals. Poor old Fortuna Städeli - this has not been good for their goal-ravaged defense.

In Others Words
Quotes From Those That Matter

In this issue we recall the saucy line of cheeky chappy Boldsea head coach and resident SteuerLig observational comic Mosey Ackanard, who seems to be getting all the quotes press this season ahead of regular quotable, Georg Bardo.

There was a spell in the second half when I took my heart off my sleeve and put it in my mouth.

- The coach from Bonesea with the wit and the wisdom to match his football heritage gives his opinion on a disappointing home defeat to St. Gight's Albion, losing 1-4. The Bonesmen were properly taken apart, and it came against a relegation-threatened Saints side who had been wildly inconsistent all season. Boldsea conceded early, never regained any rhythm, and were repeatedly exposed by Albion’s direct, wind-assisted attacks. Their defence, usually merely wobbly, completely disintegrated in the final 20 minutes as they shipped three goals in quick succession.

Custodio Reverso
Zotteeik (on loan from Kierhuizen Boys)

Mr. Big Money - the story so far

With five games left to play, on-loan keeper Custodio Reverso - the most expensive player in Taxhavn football history - will not be signing a permanent contract with eeek!, however suitable he might seem in encouraging such howls of fright when he plays. Eccentric Zotteeik have already confirmed they will pay the ₸x5m fee to send him back to Kierhuizen Boys at the end of the season. Dropped after five games at The Steelers, he was sent on emergency loan during the winter break, but with Zotteeik's three existing keepers making sudden and impressive recoveries shortly after Reverso's debut, he's dropped down the pecking order and the club would rather pay a penalty fee than put him officially on the payroll. With the winter rules in place and defenders at a disadvantage, the former conscript soldier and 'promising understudy' at La + Querida was not considered a selectable asset once Zotteeik head coach Denig Regnault had taken a bit of a look at him.

Custodio can draw on his difficult background as he sizes up the challenge ahead of him next season to make a name for himself back at Kierhuizen Boys. The fourth son of a middle-class family from the town of Encandilanas in northern Farolera, he was orphaned when his family were caught up in a guerilla attack on a civilian bus taking his whole family to Pacifista city for a trip to the seaside. He had been left with an aunt after dropping the family's most precious heirloom, an antique colonial salad bowl lost forever due to his clumsiness, and became the only survivor of that branch of the family thanks to his being grounded by Papa. His aunt, not a patient woman, was highly intolerant of his 'klutzpa' and embittered to have been left out of the last will and testaments of her sister, Custodio's mother, and her sister's comfortably wealthy husband. She sold Custodio, aged 9, to an adoption agency - disguising his clumsiness, she was able to impress how tall he was and how big his hands were for his age. He'd make a good farm boy. He was shipped off to a banana plantation in the south, and after a series of misadventures we'll save for another article, he was finally recruited (or sold, more likely), aged 20, to the Faroleran Rapid Response Unit Internecine Tacticians led by warlord Tutti Castanada - the infamous 'Tutti FRRUITies', and thrust into action in the dirty war against Lithico™.

Reflecting on his unfortunate start at Kierhuizen Boys, and his apparently failed loan at Zotteeik, Custodio was philosophical. "Being a goalkeeper is like being the guy in the military who makes the bombs - one mistake and everyone gets blown up."

Match of the Winter
Standard Lily 6–0 Septentriennes
Round 33: Standard disaster for Bankers

Standard Lily delivered the performance of the winter in a blistering 6–0 demolition of Septentriennes, a result that not only stunned the Bankers but reshaped the title race in a single afternoon. With Orchideeën winning 7–1 at Fortuna, this match produced an extraordinary twelve-goal swing that knocked Septentriennes off top spot for the first time in weeks. From the opening whistle, the Pollen Counters were sharper, quicker and far more aggressive in the tackle, and their dominance showed immediately in the movement of their front three. The opener came on 18 minutes when Ang Bao Kana sliced through the Bankers’ defence with ease, finishing a solo run that exposed their high—and on this day naïve—defensive line. Septentriennes barely had time to regroup before they were two down straight from the restart, Hadrian Cross sweeping home after a clever switch from the outstanding Jett Kane.

What followed was a collapse of rare magnitude. Standard scented panic and struck three more before the break. Kane turned scorer for the third, released by a disguised pass from Djetson Hasle, whose influence grew as the match tilted entirely one way. The fourth came from another Hasle pass, this time flicked between the lines for Ang Bao Kana to bundle in his second. Minutes later, centre-half Almaurry Azéma headed home from a Faliri flick, capping a first half in which the Bankers barely escaped their own penalty area. The second half brought only a different flavour of misery. Standard slowed the tempo, kept the ball with almost leisurely authority, and waited for the next mistake. It came from a set play on 54 minutes: Hasle’s third assist, and Milan Lazo’s thumping header for 6–0.

Player of the Match Jett Kane orchestrated everything, while Septentriennes’ midfielder Ottaviano Falco endured a torrid afternoon, repeatedly losing duels and offering no shield to a defence drowning under pressure. For the Bankers, this was a warning; for the Pollen Counters, a night they will replay proudly for years.

Did Somebody Say 'Takeaway'?
Five Things We Learned In Rounds 23-33

No double figues, what a shame

Nurserymen thrive in the winter - Orchideeën were already dangerous, but the Winter Ruleset transformed them into a goal-harvesting machine. Across eleven games they hit 29 goals — more than any other side — including devastating wins over Taxhavn (5-1) and the 7–1 demolition of Fortuna. Where others slipped on the ice and wind, the Nurserymen keep growing.

Steamroller gets flattened - Septentriennes entered winter as the league’s form team, opening up a brief six point lead at the top before a brutal schedule and defensive lapses finally caught up with them. They still scored freely — 27 goals in this stretch — but the 6–0 collapse at Standard Lily stunned just about everyone and let Orchideeën back in, with their 7-1 win at Fortuna forcing a very wintery 12-goal swing in their favour.

Shaking all over - No club experienced the Winter Ruleset’s extremes like Old Shakerssens, who scored 26 but conceded 29 in the period. They swung from big victories (6-1 at Fortuna) to chaotic and heavy defeats (1-5 at Taxhavn City), sometimes within days. Their matches became the league’s best entertainment, but also its biggest health hazard for supporters' nerves.

Steeling a march - Kierhuizen Boys quietly stitched together one of the winter’s steadiest climbs, winning key games while other contenders lurched wildly. The Steelers head coach Nanko Kijk in 't Veld is really showing the potential that several clubs could see in him, producing impressive wins over Oranji rivals Orchideeën and Boldsea FC while enjoying an otherwise quieter schedule than most of their rivals in the period. Without anyone quite noticing, they’ve positioned themselves on the shoulder of the leaders.

Fortune does not favour The Fort - No team suffered more under winter conditions than Fortuna Städeli, who conceded a league-high 31 goals across the period. A 6–1 collapse to Old Shakerssens and the 7–1 drubbing by Orchideeën summed up their spiralling fortunes, though they were kicked from pillar to post by just about everyone. What began as a wobble in an unremarkable season has now hardened into a full-blown crisis.


   SteuerLig-1                  Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 Orchideeën                    33   20  10   3    89   45  +44    70
 2 Septentriennes                33   21   7   5    88   52  +36    70
 3 Kierhuizen Boys               33   16   8   9    86   72  +14    56
 4 Old Shakerssens               33   16   7  10    99   74  +25    55
---------------------------------------------------------------------- 
 5 Standard Lily                 33   15   8  10    83   72  +11    53
 6 FC Städeli                    33   13  14   6    58   47  +11    53
 7 HPV Waallen                   33   15   7  11    65   52  +13    52
---------------------------------------------------------------------- 
 8 Sturm Havn                    33   13  10  10    71   68   +3    49
 9 Deltic FC                     33   13   9  11    57   54   +3    48
10 Tijhuis Archimedes            33   12  11  10    77   61  +16    47
11 De Tike FC                    33   12   9  12    65   63   +2    45
12 Boldsea FC                    33   10  11  12    68   69   −1    38* 3 point deduction
13 Taxhavn City                  33   11   5  17    60   79  −19    38
14 BSSC Driessche                33    9  10  14    63   65   −2    37
---------------------------------------------------------------------- 
15 Zotteeik                      33    9   7  17    56   73  −17    34
16 Fortuna Städeli               33    8   9  16    65   89  −24    33
17 Benson Foxes                  33    7  11  15    47   77  −30    32
---------------------------------------------------------------------- 
18 OSA-Cyclista                  33   10   7  16    70   91  −21    31* 6 point deduction
19 St. Gight's Albion            33    7   9  17    68   82  −14    30
20 St. Bernadine Academical      33    4   9  20    52  102  −50    21

Match of the round highlighted

Round-23
              Boldsea FC 1–1 Orchideeën
           Standard Lily 3–3 Kierhuizen Boys
              FC Städeli 1–0 Zotteeik
      Tijhuis Archimedes 4–0 Benson Foxes
         Old Shakerssens 3–1 De Tike FC
              Sturm Havn 0–4 Fortuna Städeli
St. Bernadine Academical 1–3 OSA-Cyclista
            Taxhavn City 0–1 Deltic FC
          Septentriennes 2–2 HPV Waallen
      St. Gight's Albion 2–5 BSSC Driessche

Round-24
              Orchideeën 1–1 St. Gight's Albion
          BSSC Driessche 0–1 Septentriennes
             HPV Waallen 4–0 Taxhavn City
               Deltic FC 3–1 St. Bernadine Academical
            OSA-Cyclista 1–1 Sturm Havn
         Fortuna Städeli 1–6 Old Shakerssens
              De Tike FC 1–5 Tijhuis Archimedes
            Benson Foxes 1–1 FC Städeli
                Zotteeik 3–1 Standard Lily
         Kierhuizen Boys 5–3 Boldsea FC

Round-25
         Kierhuizen Boys 1–0 Orchideeën
              Boldsea FC 1–1 Zotteeik
           Standard Lily 0–1 Benson Foxes
              FC Städeli 1–1 De Tike FC
      Tijhuis Archimedes 2–0 Fortuna Städeli
         Old Shakerssens 3–0 OSA-Cyclista
              Sturm Havn 0–1 Deltic FC
St. Bernadine Academical 4–6 HPV Waallen
            Taxhavn City 1–0 BSSC Driessche
          Septentriennes 3–1 St. Gight's Albion

Round-26
              Orchideeën 1–1 Septentriennes
      St. Gight's Albion 1–1 Taxhavn City
          BSSC Driessche 6–1 St. Bernadine Academical
             HPV Waallen 4–4 Sturm Havn
               Deltic FC 4–2 Old Shakerssens
            OSA-Cyclista 1–3 Tijhuis Archimedes
         Fortuna Städeli 1–1 FC Städeli
              De Tike FC 0–0 Standard Lily
            Benson Foxes 1–5 Boldsea FC
                Zotteeik 0–2 Kierhuizen Boys

Round-27
                Zotteeik 0–0 Orchideeën
         Kierhuizen Boys 3–1 Benson Foxes
              Boldsea FC 4–4 De Tike FC
           Standard Lily 7–1 Fortuna Städeli
              FC Städeli 3–3 OSA-Cyclista
      Tijhuis Archimedes 0–1 Deltic FC
         Old Shakerssens 5–3 HPV Waallen
              Sturm Havn 3–0 BSSC Driessche
St. Bernadine Academical 1–7 St. Gight's Albion
            Taxhavn City 1–3 Septentriennes

Round-28
              Orchideeën 5–1 Taxhavn City
          Septentriennes 5–0 St. Bernadine Academical
      St. Gight's Albion 1–1 Sturm Havn
          BSSC Driessche 1–1 Old Shakerssens
             HPV Waallen 0–0 Tijhuis Archimedes
               Deltic FC 4–0 FC Städeli
            OSA-Cyclista 1–3 Standard Lily
         Fortuna Städeli 3–3 Boldsea FC
              De Tike FC 3–1 Kierhuizen Boys
            Benson Foxes 3–1 Zotteeik

Round-29
            Benson Foxes 0–1 Orchideeën
                Zotteeik 0–3 De Tike FC
         Kierhuizen Boys 4–3 Fortuna Städeli
              Boldsea FC 3–0 OSA-Cyclista
           Standard Lily 3–3 Deltic FC
              FC Städeli 0–0 HPV Waallen
      Tijhuis Archimedes 3–3 BSSC Driessche
         Old Shakerssens 4–3 St. Gight's Albion
              Sturm Havn 1–7 Septentriennes
St. Bernadine Academical 0–1 Taxhavn City

Round-30
              Orchideeën 1–1 St. Bernadine Academical
            Taxhavn City 1–6 Sturm Havn
          Septentriennes 3–0 Old Shakerssens
      St. Gight's Albion 0–4 Tijhuis Archimedes
          BSSC Driessche 1–3 FC Städeli
             HPV Waallen 3–0 Standard Lily
               Deltic FC 1–3 Boldsea FC
            OSA-Cyclista 2–1 Kierhuizen Boys
         Fortuna Städeli 1–3 Zotteeik
              De Tike FC 3–1 Benson Foxes

Round-31
              De Tike FC 1–3 Orchideeën
            Benson Foxes 3–3 Fortuna Städeli
                Zotteeik 0–2 OSA-Cyclista
         Kierhuizen Boys 0–0 Deltic FC
              Boldsea FC 0–0 HPV Waallen
           Standard Lily 1–1 BSSC Driessche
              FC Städeli 1–1 St. Gight's Albion
      Tijhuis Archimedes 0–0 Septentriennes
         Old Shakerssens 1–5 Taxhavn City
              Sturm Havn 5–1 St. Bernadine Academical

Round-32
              Orchideeën 4–1 Sturm Havn
St. Bernadine Academical 1–3 Old Shakerssens
            Taxhavn City 3–3 Tijhuis Archimedes
          Septentriennes 1–2 FC Städeli
      St. Gight's Albion 3–4 Standard Lily
          BSSC Driessche 3–1 Boldsea FC
             HPV Waallen 4–1 Kierhuizen Boys
               Deltic FC 1–1 Zotteeik
            OSA-Cyclista 1–1 Benson Foxes
         Fortuna Städeli 1–3 De Tike FC

Round-33
         Fortuna Städeli 1–7 Orchideeën
              De Tike FC 3–3 OSA-Cyclista
            Benson Foxes 0–0 Deltic FC
                Zotteeik 1–0 HPV Waallen
         Kierhuizen Boys 3–1 BSSC Driessche
              Boldsea FC 1–4 St. Gight's Albion
           Standard Lily 6–0 Septentriennes
              FC Städeli 3–3 Taxhavn City
      Tijhuis Archimedes 4–0 St. Bernadine Academical
         Old Shakerssens 4–4 Sturm Havn

Golden Balls
Lalo Ceesay, Orchideeën

World Cup striker shows his class

Orchideeën may have been hit with a series of injuries during the winter including the loss of top striker Jeroen Blenkers, but Sami Samiii's team showed resilience and impressive squad depth to come back from losing top spot early in the winter to Septentriennes, to regaining it in the final round of the winter period with a stunning 7-1 win over Fortuna. Despite losing the Golden Boot for the last two seasons in Blenkers, the Nurserymen were top scorers in the Winter Ruleset thanks to a pair of new signings in Kelsekkian Mark Ravelli and especially Banijan Lalo Ceesay, just back from the World Cup and showing no sign of wear and tear as he pushed his scoring tally to 19 so far, with 14 assists putting him second in the overall goal contributions chart behind Old Shakerssen's Mikket Bukt.

Sick Notes
Injury News From The SteuerLig

Headline

The headline news is the rumour that Arrigo Napoleoni, already out for the season, may be set for early retirement following his achilles tendon rupture in pre-season. The club has maintained from the outset that the winger would recover following surgery on a ruptured Achilles tendon, but insiders are now hinting at a far more serious prognosis. According to one source close to the medical team, Napoleoni suffered a partial re-rupture during early-stage rehabilitation, followed by the emergence of nerve impingement around the repair site — a rare complication that has severely limited his ability to plant and push off. Officially, the club says only that he may require 'an additional season of careful recovery,' but privately, the tone is far more pessimistic. Staff have reportedly told teammates that he may never sprint freely again, and the rumour is that Napoleoni’s career may already be over.

Orchideeën were without iconic captain Aslak Hrafninnsson, 32, with a metatarsal stress reaction in the left foot and will also face the rest of the season without his leadership and defensive skills, while favourite striker Jeroen Blenkers missed most of the period with a medial ankle ligament strain. Taxhavn City continued to suffer repeated injury issues with Evela-Gavax Den, Isaac de Wale and Szilárd Forde all sidelined for extended periods.

Major players with long-term injuries
ST Rik Dam, 32, Taxhavn City
DL Jurrijn op Sonnebeld, 25, Taxhavn City
ML Arrigo Napoleoni, 25, FC Städeli
ST Oliver Lontz	(PIS), 25, De Tike FC
DC Aslak Hrafninnsson (PIS), 32, Orchideeën
DM Laurent Lapix (RCN), 29, Standard Lily
ST Vasco Carneiro (IPN), 27, Fortuna Städeli
DR Arijen Clusius, 28, BSSC Driessche
	
Key players missing games

DR Evela-Gavax Den (BRH-QUS), 25, Taxhavn City
DC Isaac de Wale, 24, Taxhavn City
ST Szilárd Forde (EFL), 23, Taxhavn City
ST Jeroen Blenkers, 30, Orchideeën
DR Christian Holter, 25, FC Städeli
ST Aleksander Vivić (SAT), 19, St. Bernadine Academical
ST Danal (IPN), 19, BSSC Driessche
DC Eric Ongaro (TKT), 34, Boldsea FC
DR Julien Pélissier-Waldeley, 27, St. Gight's Albion
ST Joran Skipper, 19, St. Gight's Albion

Interregional Football
IFCF Knockout Rounds

As with the preliminary rounds, Taxhavn clubs once again bombed in the straight knockout formats. After everyone qualifying from their group stages, no-one in the main competitions got past their first fixtures - FC Städeli, Orchideeën, Tijhuis Archimedes, Boldsea FC, Septentriennes and Taxhavn City all failing to advance. HPV Waallen did at least manage one round of victories before going out in the round of sixteen of the Cup Winners Cup, while in the Liga-B Champions Trophy three teams made the quarters. Only Sturm Havn, having a brilliant season, got past that with a semi-final appearance that ended in comprehensive defeat to Chromatiks Z'Ai'Ai. Overall a worrying trend emerges of sides not able to negotiate past the pressure of elimination games. The glory days of Deltic FC's climb to the top of the IFCF mountain already seem a distant memory.

The 24th IFCF Champions League

Round of Sixteen

(TAX)                      FC Städeli    1–3    Crossroads                       (CMT)   1–0   0–3 
(QUE)              Zenit Attawapiskat    4–3    Orchideeën                       (TAX)   4–1   0–2

The 24th IFCF Challengers Cup

Round of Thirty-Two

(TAX)              Tijhuis Archimedes    1–4    Jaglan Royals                   (SRS)   1–3   0–1    
(TAX)                      Boldsea FC    0–1    Ephesian FC                     (ZWZ)   0–0   0–1

The 72nd IFCF Cup Winners Cup

First Round

(TAX)                     HPV Waallen    3–2    Darlingtown Rovers              (APH)   1–1   2–1  (aet)

Round of Sixteen

(TAX)                     HPV Waallen    2–5    Indionion Athletic              (EFL)   0–2   2–3

The 14th IFCF Associations Trophy

Round of Thirty-Two

(VLD)           Metropolis Alligators    3–2    Septentriennes                  (TAX)   1–0   2–2
(FFD)                     Mâ Âlâmëómë    5–3    Taxhavn City                    (TAX)   3–1   2–2

The 24th IFCF Liga B Champions Trophy

Round of Sixteen

(EFL)                     Nile Bridge    0–4    Sturm Havn                      (TAX)   0–2   0–2 
(QUE)             Nunavut North Stars    3–7    St. Gight's Albion              (TAX)   3–3   0–4 
(DAR)                Jim Falls United    1–3    Zotteeik                        (TAX)   0–3   1–0 

Quarterfinals

(SRS)                    Interblag FC    3–2    St. Gight's Albion              (TAX)   2–1   1–1 
(KYP)                     Baltonbrook    1–4    Sturm Havn                      (TAX)   1–2   0–2 
(TAX)                        Zotteeik    1–4    Z'ai'ai                         (CMT)   0–2   1–2 
      
Semifinals

(TAX)                      Sturm Havn    2–6    Z'ai'ai                         (CMT)   2–3   0–3

The 24th IFCF Rising Stars Cup

Round of Sixteen

(TAX)                    Raven Thöni    1–1 p  Brook Academy                   (EFL)  (2–3 pen)
(QUE)            Jolbonopolis United  p 1–1    Orchideeën                      (TAX)  (4–2 pen)

The 23rd FFI Competitions
Under Indussian control the FFI is back to its regular best and it has two competitions in which Taxhavnite teams do actually manage to thrive in knockout competition, which is nice...

The 23rd League of Victors
Three teams qualified for the main trophy, the League of Victors, with Orchideeën there as holders and Septentriennes earning the additional place behind FC Städeli. While the Bankers dropped out at the Round of Sixteen to Auprussians Birivistice, both the champions and FC Städeli reached semi-finals in a promising season. But that is where it ended for both, with The Frigates falling to all-conquering Alexia, and Orchideeën disappointed not to be able to follow their history-making footsteps by reaching a final and winning this competition twice in a row.

Round of Thirty-Two

(TAX)               Septentriennes    4–0    FC Wamena                    (PIA)   2–0   2–0
(TAX)                   FC Städeli    4–3    Rockies International FC     (INS)   3–2   1–1
(TAX)                   Orchideeën    5–4    Club Hungária                (CGS)   4–3   1–1

Round of Sixteen

(APH)           Crownford Athletic    1–2    FC Städeli                   (TAX)   1–1   0–1    
(TAX)               Septentriennes    0–2    Birivistice                  (AUP)   0–2   0–0   
(ANK)                Officers Club    1–4    Orchideeën                   (TAX)   1–1   0–3    

Quarterfinals

(JUE)                 U.S Scudelli    1–4    Orchideeën                   (TAX)   1–2   0–2
(TAN)                     Ashcombe    1–2    FC Städeli                   (TAX)   1–1   0–1

Semifinals

(TAX)                   FC Städeli    1–4    Alexia                       (AUP)   1–3   0–1 
(APH)           Pallas City Saints    4–2    Orchideeën                   (TAX)   3–1   1–1

The 23rd Confederations Trophy
It was even better news in the Confed where Standard Lily, having an unexpectedly superb domestic season under Indussian manager Joseph Moteudi, managed to navigate through to the finals despite a semi-final scare in Indusse. They will face another Auprussian side in the final in Auprussia NF, in a clash of FFI heavyweights. News that the Chromatik Red League will be sending clubs to the FFIs from next season means there might never be a better opportunity to bag a title.

Round of Sixteen

(TAX)                Standard Lily    7–3    Ashialand Blizzard           (RAN)   4–1   3–2

Quarterfinals

(JUE)                    AS Aguajú    2–5    Standard Lily                (TAX)   0–2   2–3 

Semifinals

(INS)                 Sindvpore FC    2–3    Standard Lily                (TAX)   0–2   2–1

TaxPokal
The Latter Rounds

Little Generals making history

Only De Tike FC have appeared in the TaxPokal final as a team in a lower division, and they lost; but Napoleon St. Bernadine have made it to the semi-finals against struggling city rivals Academical and will fancy they might get a shot at it. With a lower-tier TaxPokal winner guaranteed a promotion spot as extra reward for winning the Cup, it throws an extra factor into an already complicated situation with the league restructure - they will be loving this at FA-Tax.

Third Round

           AZ Exloërveen 1–2 St. Bernadine Academical
          BSSC Driessche 0–4 Kierhuizen Boys
             FZK-Amstell 2–3 De Tike FC
           Stadler Works 2–2 Napoleon St. Bernadine (2–4 AET)
           Standard Lily 1–2 Old Shakerssens
         Fortuna Städeli 1–3 HPV Waallen
               Deltic FC 3–1 VF Romainring
    Rankfelden Cardinals 0–3 OSA-Cyclista

Quarterfinals

               Deltic FC 3–4 Napoleon St. Bernadine
            OSA-Cyclista 1–2 St. Bernadine Academical
         Kierhuizen Boys 0–0 HPV Waallen (0–0 AET) (4–5 pen.)
         Old Shakerssens 3–1 De Tike FC

Semifinal draw

  Napoleon St. Bernadine vs. St. Bernadine Academical                      
                      at The Athletic Ground, St. Bernadine
             HPV Waallen vs. Old Shakerssens
                      at Plantation Field, Martenstadt

UnderLigen
Watling Street Ramblers

A stroll with one of the oldest clubs in Taxhavn

There's a moderate ambition at the Ramblers these days that has perhaps never been seen before in the old gentlemen's club, or at least, not for a century or more. Older even than the ancient Triple-A teams of St. Bernadine - Athletic, Accountants and Amateurs - who would go on to write the codified rulebook and claim to have 'invented the game' in Taxhavn, the club was formed in the 1830s in the well-heeled uptown district of Oswyn in a back room of the Boar's Head Inn on Watling Street, where they began as a rambling and mountaineering association. When the football first arrived on these shores from Ariddia 1`x in the 1840s, the Ramblers would take one with them on their walking tours and in 1853 officially formed a footballing branch of the association, with their own set of rules. They later adopted the popular Triple-A ruleset and nearly half a century later after a great deal of informal contests, cups and friendlies, were one of the founding teams of the Southern League. In between there was the acrimonious split in the membership which led to the formation of the Mount Shilling Casuals club in the 1870s, and the start of a fierce and almost ungentlemanly rivalry that still exists to this day. It is perhaps the most hotly contested classiker of the lower ranks, officially called the Oswyn Derby and unofficially the Dastardly Classic.

In recent years the clubs have been leagues apart - The Ramblers qualifying for the third tier expansion of the SteuerLig, while the Casuals missed out. It meant their league fortunes were separated for the first time in nearly a century, although at certain times they have competed in different divisions of the Southern League. With the Ramblers enjoying the town's bragging rights, the Casuals responded by employing the famous Enda Clentin to change their fortunes, and they have certainly been impressive since he took over. They look good for a spot in the next SteuerLig expansion for next season. Keen to keep some distance between them, the Ramblers - who have looked a solid outfit with play-off finishes to their credit since the foundation of Lig-3 - are pushing for promotion to the second tier again. There stated aim is to reach the top flight... something surprisingly ambitious for a club that has never won a single piece of official silverware since the formation of league football in 1900. They have a couple of decent young players in keeper Roger Ufferman, 22, and centrehalf Manuel Doisneau, 20, who are making quite the name for themselves; and in Gian Summer, 32, they have one of the most exciting young head coaches breaking through on the scene.

SteuerLig-98
Lig-2 Update

Barrel-Rollers rolling along

No-one much fancied the once-great FZK for a promotion challenge after a depressing 14th place finish last season, but that is what's happening in Amstell as the Barrel-Rollers refuse to drop off the pace. It won't be easy - ASMV really look to have the only automatic spot tied up at this stage and the play-off sequence this season, with the league restructure, is going to be brutal. But the former Fluid Time Works team seem to have something magical on their side this season.


   SteuerLig-2 Leaders          Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 ASMV St. Bernadine            33   20   7   6    79   45  +34    67
 2 FZK-Amstell                   33   19   5   9    78   71   +7    62
 3 Raven Thöni                   33   17   9   7    80   57  +23    60
 4 Napoleon St. Bernadine        33   17   9   7    78   59  +19    60
 5 Urban Irminger                33   16   7  10    81   57  +24    55
 6 Helvétique Rangers            33   16   6  11    83   70  +13    54

Lig-3 Update

Simply the best

Dandelion Town remain on track to post the best points haul across the entire league on their march to promotion, and while they may have drawn one or two too many games which should have been won to ensure greater distance from the chasing pack, nevertheless it would be a foolhardy doh walker who would bet against them at this stage. Axis of course can't get promoted anyway, so no-one need worry about die Totalitsarien, which leaves Stadler Works and Scarab as their two main rivals for the one automatic spot, over whom they have an 8 and 9 point advantage, respectively. It should all be over in a couple of weeks.


   SteuerLig-3 Leaders          Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 Dandelion Town FC             33   21   9   3    79   46  +33    72
 2 Axis Driessche                33   20   5   8    69   41  +28    65
 3 Stadler Works                 33   20   4   9    92   64  +28    64
 4 Scarab St. Bernadine          33   19   6   8    71   61  +10    63
 5 FFC Mesocyclone               33   16  10   7    79   56  +23    58
 6 Watling Street Ramblers       33   15  10   8    83   64  +19    55

Sack Race
Manager Ins & Outs

Nanko poached again

With experienced and well-travelled coach Nelo Holzer down at the Unemployment Bureau for most of the season, it was a sure bet someone was going to pick him up when the winter kicked in and things were going badly. OSA had just lost a miserable encounter 0-3 at Boldsea FC when the board decided it was time to break with Dan Stappenbelt. Nelo Holzer was through the revolving door quicker than you could say 'it's a trap!' and to be fair, the Rifles are unbeaten in four, have moved off the bottom, and look like they could make a fight of this despite the six point deduction.

Round 22: Hubie Kramer, Taxhavn City; replaced by Davey Tinnalt
Round 22: Davey Tinnalt, Deltic FC (resigned); replaced by Seamus Awton
Round 22: Seamus Awton, Tijhuis Archimedes (resigned); replaced by Hubie Kramer
Round 29: Dan Stappenbelt, OSA-Cyclista; replaced by Nelo Holzer

Out Next?: Livio Lieber, Fortuna Städeli - 1/4 at TaxBet
He's a lovely chap but he's lost the dressing room...

Injury Time
TXAF Stealth Operation in Arrosia

Boys, Choppers, Lithico™ - what's that about?

First there was the World Cup bid between Farfadillis, Paradystopia and Wight, after a meeting at the Grand Bullion Hotel here in St. Bernadine City; then there was the agreement to build the Lithico™ World Cup 100 Final Stadium, or the Lithico™ as it has now been renamed after repeated attempts to get Tikariot, Kyt or, err, Krwp to pick up the phone and have a chat about relocating the final have all failed. After that, a huge deal to bring Farf Custodio Reverso to Kierhuizen Boys, with money allegedly going to help fund Lithico™'s dubious activities in the Banijasphere. And now we hear that the Taxhavn Air Force has been conducting stealth operations on the deadly Farolera-Rulandea border in Farfadillis. Asked to clarify, a source at the TXAF communications office stated helpfully, "stealth operation, you say? Huh, well it's the first I've heard of it. But if it was a stealth operation, would I be saying anything else?"

It's a fair point.

What do we know? Well, nothing official, to put a fine point on it. But what we are reasonably sure of is that a TXAF stealth chopper, or Flutterby as they are known in the military, was running a Lithico™-sponsored training mission over Liberete City when it was called to assist with an evac from the Faroleran border. Evacuating who? No-one is telling, but what we've managed to unofficially confirm is that the Flutterby conducted a raid on a Tutti Castanada training camp and landed square in the middle of a football field, where Lithico™ paratroopers managed to shepherd five young lads into the chopper under heavy fire and heroically escape back to safe territory. The boys have been named as Dês Orana, Eurico vö Wíjí, Tíbürçíö Wütendíl, Seslâás Recendez and Íñigo t'Ômixés, and they were subsequently flown to the safety of the rural and now peaceful Delte Valley, where they have joined up with the Deltic FC youth team, Tunn's Farm Academy. We have heard indirectly from them that their good friends Edmün, Türó & Ôrelí were not so lucky, with two of them being caught in the cross-fire and one in the Flutterby's rotor blades. The five who survived are being treated for PTSD and minor injuries.

But why? A bunch of kids, apparently held prisoner or being indentured soldiers for the Tutti FRRUITies, rescued by the Taxhavn Air Force on behalf of Lithico™? It doesn't make any sense.

"We were just trying out the Flutterby for the first time," said another insider, with an awkward cough, "nothing to see here."

by **Taxhavn** » Sun Nov 30, 2025 6:15 pm

SteuerLig-98
Part 4/4: The Sun Always Shines On The Victorious

The green shoots of spring bring an early guarantee of sunshine to the parks and fields of the Isle of Taxhavn, and in these perfect conditions the SteuerLig draws to a close with all to play for. The sharp end of the season is bathed in a welcome glow - unless your team is relegated, in which case it's a whole year to forget.

No feature articles in this final review; we'll get down to brass tacks and the closing rounds of the season right after a few words from our favourite football comedian.

In Others Words
Quotes From Those That Matter

In this issue we recall the saucy line of cheeky chappy Boldsea head coach and resident SteuerLig observational comic Mosey Ackanard, who seems to be getting all the quotes press this season ahead of regular quotable, Georg Bardo.

It’s all very well having a great pianist playing but it’s no good if you haven’t got anyone to get the piano on the stage in the first place, otherwise the pianist would be standing there with no bloody piano to play.

- The coach from Bonesea with the wit and the wisdom to match his football heritage reflects on not being given the proper tools to produce a Rachmaninoff concerto at Curlew Park this season...

Apparently it's my fault the Titanic sank.

...and doesn't take kindly to being fired a few days later, referencing here a famous maritime disaster in the fictional RL world.

Match of the Round: 34
Septentriennes 5–3 Boldsea FC
After throwing away an eight point lead over the champions in recent weeks, The Bankers are back on top after a rare slip from Orchideeën, as they went down to their first home defeat of the season against Champions League-chasing Old Shakerssens. At the Sept-Nat Stadion they may have forgotten to replace the overlarge winter goals in an absolute attacking feast against Mosey Ackanard's entertaining but troubled Boldsea FC. A wilder game you could not imagine - Bankers midfielder Ottaviano Falco subbed off injured after only four minutes with his replacement Ronnie Walberg scoring the earliest goal in SteuerLig history by a substitute only two minutes later. He went on to score a hattrick in a player of the match display, while keeper Barnably Flexney scored Septentriennes second not long before half-time when a stunning hail mary punt eluded Thijs Nijen Haas at the other end, who was way off his line. From the restart Tequiloan striker Pablo Roâ immediately pulled one back to finish it a close 2-1 at half time. Walberg's two second half goals and a Jan Lazoe blew Boldsea off the park, while goals for Scala Foundry and Sen Aix-Chaglau at least gave the visitors the semblance of being in the game. Another twist in the title race - could The Bankers finally bring home the bacon? Advantage Septentriennes.

Round-34
              Orchideeën 0–1 Old Shakerssens
              Sturm Havn 2–4 Tijhuis Archimedes
St. Bernadine Academical 2–3 FC Städeli
            Taxhavn City 2–2 Standard Lily
          Septentriennes 5–3 Boldsea FC
      St. Gight's Albion 1–3 Kierhuizen Boys
          BSSC Driessche 3–3 Zotteeik
             HPV Waallen 4–3 Benson Foxes
               Deltic FC 2–5 De Tike FC
            OSA-Cyclista 3–3 Fortuna Städeli


   Top of the table             Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 Septentriennes                34   22   7   5    93   55  +38    73
 2 Orchideeën                    34   20  10   4    89   46  +43    70
 3 Kierhuizen Boys               34   17   8   9    89   73  +16    59
 4 Old Shakerssens               34   17   7  10   100   74  +26    58
 5 FC Städeli                    34   14  14   6    61   49  +12    56
 6 HPV Waallen                   34   16   7  11    69   55  +14    55
 7 Standard Lily                 34   15   9  10    85   74  +11    54
 8 Tijhuis Archimedes            34   13  11  10    81   63  +18    50

Match of the Round: 35
OSA-Cyclista 3–1 Orchideeën
Oh my dogs! Nelo Holzer's revived OSA team, fighting against relegation but now unbeaten in six since he was appointed, have dealt a major hand in the title race as The Nurserymen lose two in a row and suddenly find themselves out of control of the final outcome. A rocking Tikestadion saw the two Martin Rodenbergs, the source of so much pain with the Chromatiks involved in last season's illegal registrations and subsequent points deductions, both on the scoresheet as the Rifles blew away Orchideeën in impressive fashion. The Nurserymen are really missing the experience and calm nerves of injured captain Aslak Hrafninnsson as an impressive season suddenly falls apart. Meanwhile up the road in Portugaal, Septentriennes made sure they took full advantage with a solid win over one of the most improved sides of the season - forger Custodio Reverso, new head coach Nanko Kijk in 't Veld has been the signing of Kierhuizen's season. But a Georg Bardo inspired romp for The Bankers puts them just one win from finally getting that elusive second SteuerLig title, and their 21st trophy overall.

Round-35
          OSA-Cyclista 3–1 Orchideeën
       Fortuna Städeli 0–1 Deltic FC
            De Tike FC 0–0 HPV Waallen
          Benson Foxes 4–2 BSSC Driessche
              Zotteeik 3–2 St. Gight's Albion
       Kierhuizen Boys 2–4 Septentriennes
            Boldsea FC 0–2 Taxhavn City
         Standard Lily 3–3 St. Bernadine Academical
            FC Städeli 2–3 Sturm Havn
    Tijhuis Archimedes 2–4 Old Shakerssens


   Top of the table             Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 Septentriennes                35   23   7   5    97   57  +40    76
 2 Orchideeën                    35   20  10   5    90   49  +41    70
 3 Old Shakerssens               35   18   7  10   104   76  +28    61
 4 Kierhuizen Boys               35   17   8  10    91   77  +14    59
 5 HPV Waallen                   35   16   8  11    69   55  +14    56
 6 FC Städeli                    35   14  14   7    63   52  +11    56
 7 Standard Lily                 35   15  10  10    88   77  +11    55
 8 Sturm Havn                    35   14  10  11    76   74   +2    52

Match of the Round: 36
Orchideeën 0–1 Tijhuis Archimedes
Septentriennes 4–3 Zotteeik
And it is all over as Orchideeën lose at home in the Oranjiclassiker, the biggest game of the SteuerLig season, to a delighted Tijhuis Archimedes. The Owls love nothing better than to bloody the nose of their bitter rivals, and how better to celebrate than with a win on your opponents turf to prevent them winning the title? Zenegalese forward Jesse Akuchi hit the winner twenty minutes into the game and the Nurserymen could not find a response - and at the same time down in St. Bernadine city the Bankers were just about getting past a battling Zotteeik to secure the title. It took an 86tht minute winner from that man Ronnie Walberg, standing in for Ottaviano Falco, to secure all three points and the title, although even if he hadn't popped up with that goal, a draw would have been enough in the end. They will be dancing in the well-heeled streets of The Square Kilometre tonight...

Round-36
              Orchideeën 0–1 Tijhuis Archimedes
         Old Shakerssens 2–2 FC Städeli
              Sturm Havn 2–2 Standard Lily
St. Bernadine Academical 4–3 Boldsea FC
            Taxhavn City 2–1 Kierhuizen Boys
          Septentriennes 4–3 Zotteeik
      St. Gight's Albion 1–0 Benson Foxes
          BSSC Driessche 3–4 De Tike FC
             HPV Waallen 3–4 Fortuna Städeli
               Deltic FC 1–0 OSA-Cyclista


   Top of the table             Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 Septentriennes                36   24   7   5   101   60  +41    79
 2 Orchideeën                    36   20  10   6    90   50  +40    70
 3 Old Shakerssens               36   18   8  10   106   78  +28    62
 4 Kierhuizen Boys               36   17   8  11    92   79  +13    59
 5 FC Städeli                    36   14  15   7    65   54  +11    57
 6 HPV Waallen                   36   16   8  12    72   59  +13    56
 7 Standard Lily                 36   15  11  10    90   79  +11    56
 8 Deltic FC                     36   15   9  12    61   59   +2    54

Match of the Round: 37
Deltic FC 4–2 Orchideeën
Witht the title settled it's all about the close race for the remaining IFCF places, and a late late run from Deltic FC, under the guidance of an old familiar friend in Seamus Awton, sees them enter the qualification picture for the first time this season. They inflicted a fourth straight defeat on Orchideeën, their worst run in four seasons, and while they will not be caught for second spot this is another big disappointment for the outgoing champions. Deltic FC have been one of their key rivals in recent seasons and this is also something of a statement of intent for the future - The Exiles are back. Things are incredibly close for those interregional slots with sides all the way down to 11th still within range of a place, and it's nearly impossible to call the final finishers for the Challengers Cup. Kierhuizen Boys win over relegated Academical and Old Shakerssens narrow victory at rivals Standard means the Champions League places are confirmed, but below that it remains anyone's guess.

Round-37
             Deltic FC 4–2 Orchideeën
          OSA-Cyclista 3–0 HPV Waallen
       Fortuna Städeli 3–1 BSSC Driessche
            De Tike FC 3–1 St. Gight's Albion
          Benson Foxes 1–4 Septentriennes
              Zotteeik 3–0 Taxhavn City
       Kierhuizen Boys 2–1 St. Bernadine Academical
            Boldsea FC 0–1 Sturm Havn
         Standard Lily 0–1 Old Shakerssens
            FC Städeli 3–3 Tijhuis Archimedes


   Top of the table             Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 Septentriennes                37   25   7   5   105   61  +44    82
 2 Orchideeën                    37   20  10   7    92   54  +38    70
 3 Old Shakerssens               37   19   8  10   107   78  +29    65
 4 Kierhuizen Boys               37   18   8  11    94   80  +14    62
 5 FC Städeli                    37   14  16   7    68   57  +11    58
 6 Deltic FC                     37   16   9  12    65   61   +4    57
 7 Standard Lily                 37   15  11  11    90   80  +10    56
 8 HPV Waallen                   37   16   8  13    72   62  +10    56
 9 Sturm Havn                    37   15  11  11    79   76   +3    56

Match of the Round: 38
Septentriennes 0–1 De Tike FC
Coach Nino Hämmerli, unceremoniously dispatched from Old Shakerssens last season, has come up trumps for De Tike FC with a strong run in to snatch the last place in the Challenger's Cup and their first interregional qualification since consecutive Cup Winners Cup appearances a few seasons back. It's a much improved season for them, and combined with near rivals Orchideeën's end of season party in thrashing FC Städeli to revive their spirits a bit, means they sneak in at the last moment alomg with Deltic FC, while The Frigates, Sturm Havn and HPV Waallen all miss out on the final day. For the Heavies they get a shot at the Cup and a chance to become the first team to successfully defend a TaxPokal title - or, ignominiously, the first to lose to a lower-tier team in the final. Tijhuis Archimedes and Taxhavn City joing FC Städeli and Sturm in the FFI play-offs. At the bottom the relegated three were all but confirmed, with Benson Foxes only a mathematical chance of survival, but they go down with St. Gight's Albion and Academical. Of the four teams in the relegation play-offs, Fortuna will be the most worried, as their form has nosedived in the second half of the season, while OSA and Zotteeik are fighting hard. Mosey Ackanard's Boldsea FC incredibly just survive automatic relegation, but he does not survive such a poor season himself and finds himself out of work, regardless of whether they survive the relegation play-offs.

Round-38
              Orchideeën 4–1 FC Städeli
      Tijhuis Archimedes 1–3 Standard Lily
         Old Shakerssens 2–0 Boldsea FC
              Sturm Havn 3–3 Kierhuizen Boys
St. Bernadine Academical 2–1 Zotteeik
            Taxhavn City 0–1 Benson Foxes
          Septentriennes 0–1 De Tike FC
      St. Gight's Albion 2–2 Fortuna Städeli
          BSSC Driessche 2–1 OSA-Cyclista
             HPV Waallen 0–2 Deltic FC

SteuerLig-1 Final Standings
Headline

Not always the bridesmaid, finally the bride. It's a reworking of every detractor's principal joke about Septentriennes - who under the brilliant coaching of Anaïs Aescher, the only female head coach in the top flight (until Napoleon got promoted this season), had made a habit of just coming up short - either to Deltic FC or Orchideeën usually, in both domestic and interregional competitions. Their defeat in the Challenger's Cup Final to Deltic after also finishing second to them in the league in the same season a case in point. When they blew an eight point lead early in the winter to contemporary rivals Orchideeën, it looked like the same old story. What is remarkable is how they sprinted away from that body blow to regain and even extend the big lead - and finally shook off the bridesmaid tag to win the SteuerLig title for the first time since the glamrock era of '74. As ever they were led by their charismatic Gnejsian veteran striker Georg Bardo, so eminently quotable the sports press queue up outside the dressing room, outside the stadium, outside the training ground, outside his house and sometimes even outside Brown Cheese, his favourite Prosaic-cuisine restaurant in St. Bernadine city, just for a snap recording of his latest pearls of wisdom, wry observation, philosophical paradoxes and his jokes about the much put-upon Mrs. Bardo. A big character off the pitch, he's an even bigger one on it, and you can't help but love his unpredictable and yet utterly effective style. With a title win under his belt he now secures a measure of greatness that will go down in history.

Behind the Bankers, the Nurserymen became the latest team to blow it in the closing straight, something Septentriennes have been brilliant at, with FC Städeli, Boldsea FC and Standard Lily also on the list of recent last-fence falls. This is a wholly unexpected turn of events with Orchideeën gaining a reputation for relentlessy strong finishes, but the loss of both captain Aslak Hrafninnsson and key striker Jeroen Blenkers in the run-in proved to great a hurdle for the Nurserymen. Behind them, Old Shakerssens were well off the title pace but will be happy to have picked up their first Champions League qualification in third, and Kierhuizen Boys surprised everyone, possibly including themselves, by getting the final place at the main table in the interregionals next season. A late surge by Deltic FC after they changed coaches and brought back former assistant and IAC winning coach Seamus Awton from Tijhuis Archimedes earned them a remarkable fifth place in the league, after finishing the first half of the season with one eye over their shoulder at the relegation places. Standard Lily also impressed under Indussian coach Joseph Moteudi, with De Tike FC surprisingly pipping FC Städeli to the final place in the IFCF qualification slots.


   SteuerLig-1                  Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts  
 1 Septentriennes                38   25   7   6   105   62  +43    82  IFCF Champions League; FFI League of Victors
 2 Orchideeën                    38   21  10   7    96   55  +41    73  IFCF Champions League; FFI League of Victors
 3 Old Shakerssens               38   20   8  10   109   78  +31    68  IFCF Champions League
 4 Kierhuizen Boys               38   18   9  11    97   83  +14    63  IFCF Champions League
------------------------------------------------------------------------
 5 Deltic FC                     38   17   9  12    67   61   +6    60  IFCF Challenger's Cup
 6 Standard Lily                 38   16  11  11    93   81  +12    59  IFCF Challenger's Cup: FFI Confederations Trophy*
 7 De Tike FC                    38   16  10  12    78   69   +9    58  IFCF Challenger's Cup
------------------------------------------------------------------------
 8 FC Städeli                    38   14  16   8    69   61   +8    58  FFI Confederations Trophy Play-off
 9 Sturm Havn                    38   15  12  11    82   79   +3    57  FFI Confederations Trophy Play-off
10 HPV Waallen                   38   16   8  14    72   64   +8    56  IFCF Cup Winners Cup
11 Tijhuis Archimedes            38   14  12  12    88   73  +15    54  FFI Confederations Trophy Play-off
12 Taxhavn City                  38   13   6  19    66   86  −20    45  FFI Confederations Trophy Play-Off Qualifier
13 BSSC Driessche                38   10  11  17    74   80   −6    41
------------------------------------------------------------------------
14 Zotteeik                      38   11   8  19    69   84  −15    41  Relegation Play-Off
15 Fortuna Städeli               38   10  11  17    77   99  −22    41  Relegation Play-Off; Relegated
16 Boldsea FC                    38   10  11  17    74   83   −9    38* Relegation Play-Off *3pts deducted
17 OSA-Cyclista                  38   12   8  18    80   98  −18    38* Relegation Play-Off *6pts deducted
------------------------------------------------------------------------
18 Benson Foxes                  38    9  11  18    56   88  −32    38  Relegated
19 St. Gight's Albion            38    8  10  20    75   93  −18    34  Relegated
20 St. Bernadine Academical      38    6  10  22    64  114  −50    28  Relegated

* Standard Lily enter FFI Confederations Trophy as reigning champions of that competition

The Confederations Trophy Play-Offs post-season drama is organised to offer the highest four teams who have failed to qualify for IFCF competitions a last chance to compete for the single place in the FFI tournament. With the play-offs taking place after the TaxPokal final, HPV Waallen were not included in the play-offs which means their place went to Taxhavn City, who appeared in the FFI play-offs for the first time.

They started by ruining FC Städeli's season with victory at the Städeli Arena, while newly promoted surprise package Sturm Havn overcame Archimedes. Twelve points Sturm in the league, City went on to secure the compensatory place in the FFI Confederations Trophy, which by all accounts will actually be happening every season these days.

Confederations Trophy Play-Offs

              FC Städeli 1-1 Taxhavn City  (2–2 AET) (2–3 pen.)
              Sturm Havn 3-2 Tijhuis Archimedes

Confederations Trophy Play-Off Final
at The Lithico™, SoccerLand, St. Bernadine    

            Taxhavn City 3-1 Sturm Havn

With four teams down and only two up during the restructure, the post-season this year has been particularly frantic and rewarding for the neutral spectator. FA-Tax say relegation play-offs are here to stay, and the first victim are woeful Fortuna, who just lost the will to play as the season dragged on. In the relegation final they simply capitulated to a determined Zotteeik, and will drop with barely a whimper. It has already cost coach Livio Leiber his job. Coming the other way, TaxPokal finalists Napoleon cap a magnificent season to win in the promotion final against Raven Thöni, with a penalty shoot-out victory to make history for The Little Generals. They will appear in the top flight for the first time next season. As for the All-Blacks, the eight-time SteuerLig champion will face another year in the second tier, where promotion at all costs will be the objective for head coach Jovin Strähl.

Relegation Play-Offs

                Zotteeik 2-2 OSA-Cyclista (2–3 AET)
         Fortuna Städeli 1-3 Boldsea FC

Relegation Play-Off Final
at Bezirkerstadion, Thöni    

                Zotteeik 5-0 Fortuna Städeli

Promotion Play-Offs

  Napoleon St. Bernadine 4-1 Helvétique Rangers
             Raven Thöni 4-0 FZK-Amstell

Promotion Play-Off Final
at Plantation Field, Maartenstadt    

  Napoleon St. Bernadine 1-1 Raven Thöni (1–1 AET) (5–3 pen.)

TaxPokal
The Domestic Cup Conclusion

Fighting for a place in the Cup Winners Cup

Napoleon St. Bernadine under Emma Town have been getting stronger and stronger in Lig-2 and would go on to secure promotion to the top flight via the play-offs, and put themselves on the brink of history with a win over relegation-bound Academical to become only the second team from outside Lig-1 to reach the final of the TaxPokal, following a thrilling 4-3 win at The Athletic Ground. In the other semi-final, last season's two finalists were drawn in the growing rivalry between HPV and The Shakers. HPV won last time and this time they won again, in quite spectacular fashion, with the highest scoring semifinal of all time and the most goals scored by a single team in a semi. It sets up a guaranteed history-making final: either HPV will become the first team to win the cup twice, and the first to successfully defend their previous win; but if they lose, then Napoleon will become the first team outside of the top flight to win the cup. Destiny is waiting...

Semi-final results
  Napoleon St. Bernadine 4–3 St. Bernadine Academical
                       at The Athletic Ground, St. Bernadine
             HPV Waallen 7–3 Old Shakerssens
                       at The Oranjistadt Arena, Tijhuis

TaxPokal Final
HPV Waallen 4-4 Napoleon St. Bernadine
(AET) FT: 3-3; 4-1 pen.
at The Lithico™, SoccerLand, St. Bernadine

In the first ever official match at the controversial and internationally ignored World Cup stadium on Soccer Island, the Heavies hardly made light work of Lig-2 opposition in this historic final, as HPV became the first team to win multiple editions of the national cup competition, in the first penalty shoot-out to decide a winner of the TaxPokal. Napoleon played the last half hour of regular time with ten men after keeper Jan-Douwe Schoppe had been sent off, with the game finely balanced at 2-1 to HPV. Carloto Desmonceaux had put HPV ahead early, in the fifteenth minute, before winger Orlando Duke equalised for the underdog Little Generals. Lenart van der Molen restored the lead for the Heavies just before the break, and that's the way it stayed until Schoppe got his marching orders for a foul outside the box on Desmonceaux that prevented a clear goalscoring opportunity. If anyone expected Napoleon to cave in at that point they were mistaken, as the team forced two errors at the other end causing a brace of own goals in quick succession to put them into a shock lead - Pascoe Mullens and van der Molen the unfortunates who put into their own net within two minutes of each other. Defender Gerard Crocus got them out of a hole three minutes before the end of regular time with an equaliser to send the game into an extra period.

Once again Napoleon got ahead with Orlando Duke scoring his second of the game five minutes into the extra period, but HPV striker Vincent Baar broke Napoleonic hearts with five minutes left to play, and the game went to penalties. In the shoot-out things weren't nearly so balanced with the Lig-1 cup holders cruising to a second final victory, scoring all four penalties while Napoleon missed three out of four. With a promotion play-off final to come the following week at the same stadium, against Raven Thöni, they at least had something else to focus on as Heavies captain Ralph Bohan lifted the cup for the second season running to secure Cup Winners Cup football for HPV.

The 23rd FFI Confederations Trophy Final
Austro-Daimler Stadion, Goldstadt, Calgasia (capacity 41,200)

Auprussia NF 2–4 Standard Lily

A Laurent Lapix midfield masterclass gave Standard Lily their first interregional title, Indussian head coach Joseph Moteudi the mastermind who sealed an historic win for the Pollen Counters in an all-action final. An assist for another Indussian, Djetson Hasle, in the sixth minute gave Standard a perfect start, and he followed this up by forcing an own goal on the half hour and very quickly afterward scored himself to put Standard in a commanding 3-0 lead before half time. Goals in the 55th and 83rd minute from a revived Auprussia gave the SteuerLig side plenty to sweat about late in the game, but breaking a near-seige in the last ten minutes, Lapix and Hasle combined to set up Hadrian Cross for an injury-time fourth that broke Auprussian hearts and secured a famous title for the Pollen Counters. Bad memories of a title win several years ago in the competition that was annulled by the potato farming administration due to a technical mistake in the cup draw, and which they lost in the replay, were finally dismissed as Pollen Counter fans took to the streets of Havn to celebrate.

UnderLigen
The Second & Third Tiers

Dragons & Weeds celebrate titles

ASMV had a late-season wobble and came into the last game tied on points with second place and TaxPokal finalists Napoleon in a winner-takes all fixture at a packed University Lane. With the Little Generals having one eye on their cup final, the home side narrowly prevailed, 2-1, with a brace from star striker Henry Lightman, who gets a shot at the top flight after so many years in the doldrums. Raven miss out in the play-offs, and will face a second season out of the top flight, an unthinkable situation for them. Rumour has it they will be in for Bizarro keeper Custodio Reverso, who is not wanted at Kierhuizen Boys despite his insanely expensive transfer fee. At the bottom six teams drop to make room for the restructure including an unfortunate VF Romainring who were in the top flight until senior affiliate Deltic FC turned up and took over the place.


   SteuerLig-2                  Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts
 1 ASMV St. Bernadine            38   22   9   7    92   56  +36    75   Promoted; IFCF Liga B Champions Trophy 
------------------------------------------------------------------------
 2 Napoleon St. Bernadine        38   21   9   8    90   66  +24    72  Promotion Play-Offs; Promoted; IFCF Liga B Champions Trophy 
 3 Raven Thöni                   38   20  10   8    95   68  +27    70  Promotion Play-Offs; IFCF Liga B Champions Trophy
 4 FZK-Amstell                   38   20   8  10    88   80   +8    68  Promotion Play-Offs
 5 Helvétique Rangers            38   19   8  11    94   78  +16    65  Promotion Play-Offs
------------------------------------------------------------------------
 6 Löwen Bessandorf              38   18   7  13    88   75  +13    61
 7 Urban Irminger                38   17   9  12    90   70  +20    60
 8 Motor Waallen                 38   16  10  12    87   66  +21    58
 9 McCunnald FC                  38   17   5  16    77   74   +3    56
10 HKB Merzberg                  38   15   7  16    84   79   +5    52
11 VF Nibelungengraf             38   12  16  10    74   79   −5    52
12 Five Star St. Bernadine       38   13   8  17    67   77  −10    47
------------------------------------------------------------------------
13 Schwänenclub                  38   14   5  19    83   97  −14    47  Relegation Play-Off
14 1860 Delénacht                38   12   8  18    75   89  −14    44  Relegation Play-Off
15 Rotor Küsneuve                38   12   8  18    73   93  −20    44  Relegation Play-Off; Relegated
16 VF Romainring                 38   12   7  19    78   91  −13    43  Relegation Play-Off; Relegated
------------------------------------------------------------------------
17 Boilinghouse Nettle           38   11   7  20    73  101  −28    40  Relegated
18 Olimpia Oranjestadt           38    9  11  18    67   78  −11    38  Relegated
19 Roterlicht Knokschäft         38    8  11  19    62   84  −22    35  Relegated
20 Rankfelden Cardinals          38    7   7  24    59   95  −36    28  Relegated

Lig-2 Relegation Play-Offs

            Schwänenclub 0-0 VF Romainring (3-1 AET)
          1860 Delénacht 2-0 Rotor Küsneuve

Lig-3 Promotion Play-Offs

           Stadler Works 0-1 FFC Mesocyclone
    Scarab St. Bernadine 2-3 Watling Street Ramblers  

Lig-3 Promotion Play-Off Final
at The Athletic Club, St. Bernadine    

         FFC Mesocyclone 3-4 Watling Street Ramblers

In the third tier, Dandelion Town strolled to the best season across all three divisions to earn consecutive promotions. After a 100% season in non-league last time out, they did taste defeat for the first time under new Gnejsian administration and playing staff - but only three times; half as many as the next best in the SteuerLig, which was champions Septentriennes. No-one would write off another promotion straight into the top flight for The Weeds. Famous old club Watling Street Ramblers join them in the second tier after battling through the play-offs. With the expansion of the league to four divisions, and reduction of the divisions to 18, it means six teams find themselves dropping into the new basement, including the unfortunate St. Bernadine Apollo, who finished fourteen points above the relegation zone and nine ahead of the next placed team, Meteor Maartenstadt. But a shock home defeat to Orping-Tinkers sees them make the drop along with Meteor.


   SteuerLig-3                   Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 Dandelion Town FC             38   24  11   3    89   52  +37    83  Promoted
------------------------------------------------------------------------
 2 Stadler Works                 38   23   7   8    84   49  +35    76  Promotion Play-Offs
 3 Axis Driessche                38   24   4  10   102   71  +31    76* Unable to contend promotion
 4 Scarab St. Bernadine          38   20   8  10    75   66   +9    68  Promotion Play-Offs
 5 Watling Street Ramblers       38   19  10   9    99   73  +26    67  Promotion Play-Offs; Promoted
 6 FFC Mesocyclone               38   17  11  10    92   70  +22    62  Promotion Play-Offs
------------------------------------------------------------------------
 7 Achilles Portugaal            38   18   7  13    93   70  +23    61
 8 AZ Exloërveen                 38   15  13  10    95   81  +14    58
 9 Rot-Westenweiler              38   16   8  14    79   85   −6    56
10 Immenmold                     38   14  13  11    74   72   +2    55
11 Tulip Maartenstadt            38   13  13  12    93   85   +8    52
12 VF Merzberg                   38   14   8  16    78   83   −5    50
------------------------------------------------------------------------
13 St. Bernadine Apollo          38   13   9  16    75   88  −13    48  Relegation Play-Off; Relegated
14 Meteor Maartenstadt           38   10   9  19    71   88  −17    39  Relegation Play-Off; Relegated
15 Energia Niekerk               38   10   9  19    75   95  −20    39  Relegation Play-Off
16 Orping-Tinkers                38   10   7  21    78   88  −10    37  Relegation Play-Off
------------------------------------------------------------------------
17 Torpedo Tijhuis               38    8  10  20    72   98  −26    34  Relegated
18 Lokomotiv Devengein           38    8   9  21    64   94  −30    33  Relegated
19 Trojan Portugaal              38    5  12  21    56   90  −34    27  Relegated
20 Völker Merzberg               38    5  10  23    60  106  −46    25  Relegated

Lig-3 Relegation Play-Offs

    St. Bernadine Apollo 3-5 Orping-Tinkers
     Meteor Maartenstadt 0-2 Energia Niekerk

Sack Race
Manager Ins & Outs

Post-Season Blues

It was a relatively quiet season in the annual sack race for head coaches, with only Hubie Kramer in round 22 and Dan Stappenbelt in round 29 losing their jobs during regular season - but once the dust had settled on the 98th official competitive season of Taxhavnite football, and the fortieth birthday for the SteuerLig, things got pretty messy. Two relegated managers - Lenny Dähler and Livio Leiber - were joined by cheeky chappy Mosey Ackanard, who has never been sacked in his life and can hardly believe he is out on his ear. But after steering his team Boldsea FC successfully through a relegation play-off, his bosses told him in no uncertain terms that 15th in the league is not going to cut the mustard, even though they did have a points deduction to contend with. Rumour has it the veteran coach will take some time out and use his status as a media darling to get a job on the telly.

Round 22: Hubie Kramer, Taxhavn City; replaced by Davey Tinnalt
Round 22: Davey Tinnalt, Deltic FC (resigned); replaced by Seamus Awton
Round 22: Seamus Awton, Tijhuis Archimedes (resigned); replaced by Hubie Kramer
Round 29: Dan Stappenbelt, OSA-Cyclista; replaced by Nelo Holzer
Round 38: Lenny Dähler, Benson Foxes
Round 38: Livio Lieber, Fortuna Städeli
Round 38: Mosey Ackanard, Boldsea FC

Out Next?: Sjef de Haas, St. Bernadine Academical - 1/4 at TaxBet
He may have survived the initial end-of-season cull, and it would be hard on him, given the club's paucity of resources; nevertheless they have made a name for themselves for punching well above their weight, and with relegation they won't really be doing that any more. He could be seen as the wrong coach at the wrong time.

The Elite Youth League of Taxhavn
School's Report

The Elite Youth League, set up to support under-18 teams to play more competitive football and to have an opportunity to play in interregional football with the Rising Stars Cup, runs over two stages. In the first stage thirty teams compete in three regional divisions, playing a double round-robin format of 18 games; at which point the teams divide to compete nationally in the second stage of the league. In this stage, the bottom team in each region is eliminated, leaving twenty seven clubs overall. The top three of each will contest a single round of games, with a random unseeded draw to establish four home and four away games each. The next three finishers in each region, who placed 4th-6th, compete in Tier 2, while the 7th-9th placed finishers drop into Tier 3.

The Tier 1 divisional winner after eight games is confirmed as the national youth champion, and in the second year of the competition that honour goes to the Scholars, of St. Bernadine Academical. Like Raven Thöni last year, the youth team won the national youth championship in the same season the seniors got relegated, providing some small consolation to the club. Reigning champions Raven qualified for the top tier once again but having drafted many of the successful players into their senior squad following an exodus after relegation, they were not able to compete with some of the stronger youth teams and finished bottom.

EYL Stage 2 Final Standings

   Tier-1                      Pld   W  D  L   GF  GA  GD  Pts 
 1 St. Bernadine Academical      8   4  3  1   19  17  +2   15  Rising Stars Cup
 2 Kierhuizen Boys               8   4  2  2   13  12  +1   14
 3 Standard Lily                 8   4  1  3   23  22  +1   13
 4 Taxhavn City                  8   3  3  2   24  19  +5   12
 5 HPV Waallen                   8   4  0  4   22  24  −2   12
 6 Orchideeën                    8   3  2  3   14  11  +3   11
 7 Deltic FC                     8   3  2  3   15  15   0   11
 8 OSA-Cyclista                  8   2  1  5   13  19  −6    7
 9 Raven Thöni                   8   1  2  5   13  17  −4    5



   Tier-2                      Pld   W  D  L   GF  GA  GD  Pts  
 1 Boldsea FC                    8   6  0  2   23  14  +9   18
 2 Tijhuis Archimedes            8   5  2  1   22  15  +7   17
 3 FC Städeli                    8   4  3  1   16  13  +3   15
 4 Zotteeik                      8   3  3  2   15  17  −2   12
 5 Benson Foxes                  8   3  2  3   20  14  +6   11
 6 HKB Merzberg                  8   2  3  3   14  15  −1    9
 7 Old Shakerssens               8   2  3  3   11  13  −2    9
 8 Urban Irminger                8   1  2  5   14  23  −9    5
 9 Olimpia Oranjestadt           8   0  2  6    9  20 −11    2


   Tier-3                      Pld   W  D  L   GF  GA  GD  Pts  
 1 Fortuna Städeli               8   6  2  0   19  11  +8   20
 2 FZK-Amstell                   8   5  1  2   20  12  +8   16
 3 De Tike FC                    8   5  0  3   26  19  +7   15
 4 Sturm Havn                    8   4  1  3   18  15  +3   13
 5 Axis Driessche                8   4  1  3   18  17  +1   13
 6 McCunnald                     8   2  3  3   13  16  −3    9
 7 Schwänenclub                  8   2  1  5   11  18  −7    7
 8 BSSC Driessche                8   2  0  6   14  21  −7    6
 9 Motor Waallen                 8   1  1  6   11  21 −10    4

Tier 1 Awards

Golden Ball	Overall Best Player: 	Cleeve Furnace, St. Bernadine Academical
Golden Boot	Top Scorer: 		Harald Knoyll, Taxhavn City
Golden Glove	Top Keeper: 		Lourens Hollink, Kierhuizen Boys
Golden Blanket	Best Midfielder: 	Kerim Pasalic (JLA*), Taxhavn City
Golden Brick	Best Defender: 		Ruud Conijnenbelt, Orchideeën
Golden Visa:	Best Foreigner:		Batyr Vagin (TKT), St. Bernadine Academical

In the first stage of the EYL, when teams play in regionalised divisions, HPV Waallen and western divisional rivals Raven Thöni were the overall best sides, but the big news of the stage was senior mens champions Septentriennes finished bottom of the southern region and were eliminated completely from the second stage of the competition. Heads will roll in the youth development coaching team.

EYL Stage 1 Regional Standings

   North                        Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 Kierhuizen Boys               18   11   2   5    47   32  +15    35
 2 OSA-Cyclista                  18    9   6   3    54   37  +17    33
 3 Orchideeën                    18    9   4   5    46   36  +10    31
 4 Tijhuis Archimedes            18    8   5   5    39   37   +2    29
 5 Zotteeik                      18    8   4   6    33   32   +1    28
 6 Olimpia Oranjestadt           18    8   4   6    40   41   −1    28
 7 De Tike FC                    18    7   2   9    32   37   −5    23
 8 FZK-Amstell                   18    5   3  10    37   41   −4    18
 9 McCunnald                     18    4   4  10    36   52  −16    16
10 Achilles Portugaal            18    1   6  11    35   54  −19     9

   South                        Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts  
 1 Taxhavn City                  18   11   1   6    36   27   +9    34
 2 Standard Lily                 18    9   4   5    45   37   +8    31
 3 St. Bernadine Academical      18    9   4   5    42   35   +7    31
 4 Old Shakerssens               18    7   8   3    45   39   +6    29
 5 Boldsea FC                    18    8   4   6    44   35   +9    28
 6 FC Städeli                    18    8   3   7    40   38   +2    27
 7 Fortuna Städeli               18    6   3   9    35   40   −5    21
 8 Sturm Havn                    18    4   7   7    43   49   −6    19
 9 Schwänenclub                  18    4   4  10    32   48  −16    16
10 Septentriennes                18    3   4  11    28   42  −14    13

   West                         Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts   
 1 HPV Waallen                   18   13   2   3    63   43  +20    41
 2 Raven Thöni                   18   11   4   3    42   32  +10    37
 3 Deltic FC                     18    9   6   3    50   38  +12    33
 4 HKB Merzberg                  18    6   5   7    36   41   −5    23
 5 Urban Irminger                18    6   5   7    39   45   −6    23
 6 Benson Foxes                  18    6   4   8    45   41   +4    22
 7 Motor Waallen                 18    6   4   8    36   37   −1    22
 8 BSSC Driessche                18    6   3   9    48   54   −6    21
 9 Axis Driessche                18    5   4   9    31   39   −8    19
10 Löwen Bessandorf              18    1   5  12    33   53  −20     8

The Wide Enness Ocean
The key to Wightling puppetry
* Nationalities marked with an asterisk are part of the Wightling Commonwealth:

AAN  Aaan		HUI  Huaite 		NYY  Namayyan			SOY  Soyo
AUR  Auronne		HVM  Hvammstang		OSM  Osmania			TAM  Tamarindia
BBS  Barbary Salé 		IDM  Íle de Martín		PLV  Palava			TEQ  Tequilo
BEO  Beomark		IPN  Ipanema		POI  Poix			TRQ  Terraque
BOH  Bohobe 		JLA  Jelah		PSI  Portsea & Spice Islands	URQ  Uraqq		
BSE  Bonesea		KKA  Kukalaya		RRP  République Rivière		USO  Usorno		
CMU  Chímu		MAK  Makongo		RSG  Royal Saxe-Gotha	  	WGT  Wight	
COS  Costelloa 		MNO  Monozygotia		RXX  Rosicruxxia			XIN  Xindao	
CRN  Cernan 		MPK  Malproksimen		SCG  Scéalta Grinn			ZGA  Zenega	 
DLT  Delte		MUS  Mustardy		SCY  Scythia			ZZR  Zykotik Zoviet Republicz	
HSP  Hispanola		NIB  Nibelunga		SLT  Saltern Island		

OOC  The Wightling Commonwealth, of which Taxhavn is also a member, is the commonwealth of Wightling puppets.
OBV.

by **Taxhavn** » Fri Dec 05, 2025 7:41 am

SteuerLig-98
End of Season Banquet

The Soccerati of Taxhavn gathered at the Grand Bullion Hotel to celebrate another successful season of chaos, bribes, tax breaks, legal arguments and complicated restructures of the SteuerLig, and without further ado, a few words from our favourite football philosopher as spoken to the gathered audience:

In Others Words
Quotes From Those That Matter

In this issue we recall the famous line of Gnejsian striker, club owner and breadmaker Georg Bardo.

«Back in the Prosaic Union we had this saying: When the sea is calm, every ship has a good captain, and a pirate is just a baker who needs yeast to raise his dough.»

- The Septentriennes forward responds to questions on whether he’s upset about cheeky chappy ex-Boldsea head coach and resident SteuerLig observational comic Mosey Ackanard getting all the quotes this season. Or is he referring to his newfound success on The Great Taxhavite Celebrity Loaf Off? Or maybe it's a euphemism for a spot of bother he's having at home with Mrs. Bardo. You never can be sure with Georg.

Did Somebody Say 'Takeaway'?
Five Things We Learned At The Grand Bullion Hotel

- where they frown upon the very idea of takeaways

And The Beats Go On - Fighting legal battles at every turn since their formation and mostly losing them, 'superclub' Taxhavn City have been forced to concede that they can no longer operate under the name Taxhavn City. This follows portracted complaints from various quarters including most of the northern clubs, the City of St. Bernadine metropolitan council, and, allegedly, Tikariot City. Even in politics, strongarm META (Make Everyone in Taxhavn Affluent) populist Florentius Keusen is threatening to force them to be called the Taxskins, a derogatory name for people who are so poor they can easily be taxed by billionaires. The rebrand is at least a year away, apparently, so for next season they will be known as The St. Bernadine Football Club - although new franchise team The Wight Rovers wanted to be the first team in the league to be called 'The' and are considering a legal case to prevent City from using it.

Battery-Powered - Keen readers of TAX Magazine will have noticed the increasing presence of Lithico™ in the SteuerLig over the last season, supplanting First Resident Donna Maw, the head of the Wightling Commonwealth's increasingly colonial approach to, um, the colonies as the main political headline in football. Stadium sponsorships, World Cup deals, expensive transfer deals, helicopter kids... you name it, there was a story with the Farf microstate at the bottom of it. Where is it all leading? Are the Wightlings going to cede the island and the key banks to Lithico™ as Al Quds and Mytannion have? Or is this more simply a case of another franchise club in development? FA-Tax just loves to sell franchises to the league.

Wight Wait - Talking of franchises: The Wight Rovers have been in the headlines lately for deciding to wait a year before entering the league, which has come as a mighty relief to Zotteeik, OSA-Cyclista and fellow franchise club Boldsea FC. After all, one of them would have to be relegated to make way for the new side led by Archie Ruggles-Pompey and Horatio Limit. Problems with getting their ground up to scratch, and the mass relegation already happening to restructure the league down to divisions of 18 means there was little appetite on the part of the authorities to commence competitive operations. Rumour has it the club got half its franchise fee back to delay entry to the league. A good bit of business on their part, although Mylor Gurvey, the first player to sign for the fledgling organisation in '95, will have waited nearly six years to play a competitive match. So he's not altogether delighted.

Alive But Not Kicking - Talking of waiting to play: Rik Dam joined the event at the Grand Bullion via live video link following his near-fatal car crash a couple of years ago. Last post-season he joined the event from a video stream at his bedside where he still couldn't walk, but assured the delighted audience he would still be back. Good news everyone - he can walk! He joined via video from his holiday home in sunny Ipanema, where he continues his rehabilitation from poolside fuelled by Margaritas and Cohibas. He looks ever so well, doesn't he? He says he will be back soon, though judging by the size of that warhammer steak and the amount of jalapeno mayo he just dolloped on it, I'm not sure it's just his broken bones that will need working on next season.

Endangered Species - Talking of career-threatening injuries: it's been a heavy season for potential early retirements, most notably 26-year old national team winger and FC Städeli favourite Arrigo Napoleoni, who was sidelined for the season with Chronic Quantum Ligament Loosening - ligaments observed to be simultaneously too tight and too loose. Physios blame the winter ruleset and are considered to be both right and wrong at the same time, meaning Arrigo will hold out for another season to try for full recovery, though it is thought unlikely. Goalkpeer Lupine Knutsson at Boldsea FC, 28 (Prolific Hamstring Snapping Syndrome) and highly-regarded rightback Julien Pélissier-Waldeley, also 28 (Subdermal Myoclonic Boot Rejection) at St. Gight's Albion are also looking at early exits from the game, with the latter headed for a coaching role.

End of Season Full Awards

Golden Ball       (Best Player): 	Rollo Heron, Septentriennes	 		
Golden Boot       (Top Scorer):  	Mikkel Bukt (PUG) (Old Shakerssens) 	
Golden Glove      (Best Keeper): 	Hermannus Roe (Deltic FC)	
Golden Visa       (Best Foreigner): 	Kjartan Lúnquerque (AUD) (Old Shakessens)
Golden Blanket    (Best Midfielder):	Ottaviano Falco (Septentriennes) 	
Golden Brick      (Best Defender): 	V.W. Kamperman (Orchideeën)
Golden Pram       (Best Young Player): 	Yaya Onana (ZGA*) (De Tike FC)	
Golden Stick      (Best Veteran): 	Darko Tonel (SRS) (Zotteeik)	
Golden Tracksuit  (Best Head Coach):	Anaïs Aescher (Septentriennes)	 
Wooden Spoon      (A Season To Forget):	Mosey Ackanard (Boldsea FC)

SteuerLig All-Star Selections

Home							Away

Hermannus Roe, Deltic FC			GK	Morten Gallis (AUP), Tijhuis Archimedes
Jan-Bart ten Cate, Orchideeën			DL	Vagn Kreitner (PIS), FC Städeli
V.W. Kamperman, Orchideeën			DR	Odwin Muir (CMT), Kierhuizen Boys
Martin Ebersold, Septentriennes			DC	Hibiskus Andersson (PUG), Septentriennes
Dominique Petain, Kierhuizen Boys		DC	Goran Yurán (AUD), Old Shakerssens	
Ottaviano Falco, Septentriennes			DM	Laurent Lapix (RCN), Standard Lily	
Henry van Bloys, Orchideeën			ML	Manuel Corbelli (OSS), Septentriennes
Valentin Fey, Orchideeën			MR	Vasil Teplov (PYA), Kierhuizen Boys
Luis Glücki, Septentriennes			AM	Maximilien Laminien (KOR), Orchideeën
Rollo Heron, Septentriennes			ST	Mikkel Bukt (PUG), Old Shakerssens	
Jeroen Blenkers, Orchideeën			ST	Kjartan Lúnquerque (AUD), Old Shakerssens

Anaïs Aescher, Septentriennes			Coach	Sami Samiii (VIL), Orchideeën

Wightling Commonwealth				Rising Stars

Jon Moe (BSE*), Standard Lily			GK	Elterhad der-Stoiuben (22, EDS), FC Städeli
Alex Mills (DLT*), Tijhuis Archimedes		DL	Ryan Deramount (20), Sturm Havn
Halfdan Fuller-Kite (WGT), Deltic FC		DR	Arthur Lockton (21) Septentriennes
Pokey Fayle (DLT*), Deltic FC			DC	Ernő Szesfi (20, FFD), FC Städeli 
Rudy Godin (MUS*), HPV Waallen			DC	Jan Lazoe (20), Boldsea FC
Enor Perro (DLT*), Old Shakerssens		DM	Sebastian Ortmark (21, NRH), OSA-Cyclista
Rai Mazzanti (TAM*), Kierhuizen Boys		ML	Charlie Sullenden (19, DLT*), Deltic FC
Hadrian Cross (DLT*), Standard Lily		MR	Christopher Shotbolt (20), Deltic FC
Argal Carter-Huddy (WGT*), De Tike FC		AM 	Tileke Michels (20), BSSC Driessche
Jesse Akuchi (ZGA*), FC Städeli			ST	Yaya Onana (20, ZGA*), De Tike FC 
Irki Mynster (DLT*), Deltic FC			ST	Tristan Featherstone (18, TKT), Septentriennes

Seamus Awton (DLT*), Deltic FC			Coach	Sébastian Menager (39), HPV Waallen

Did Somebody Say 'Play Away'?
Five Players We Celebrated At The Grand Bullion Hotel

The ones who lit up the league

Rollo Heron (Striker, Septentriennes) - Often in the shadow of his more glamorous and more outspoken strike partner Georg Bardo, national team striker and Septentriennes academy product Rollo Heron, 28, finally got some more exposure last season with his Gnejsian friend sidelined for most of the season. This year Georg was back but in a brilliant title-winning season the spoils and the attention were shared as Rollo really went up another level for The Bankers. He's never been one that draws the spotlight, but this season he has certainly shared equal billing with his veteran partner, and while the goals were not as free-flowing as some of the best forwards in the league, his all-round play is as good as anyone in the number ten role in Taxhavn. A shoe-in for the next IAC squad, surely.

Mikkel Bukt (Striker, Old Shakerssens) - With Georg getting on a bit and his interests in the media and his 'other club', Dandelion Town FC of which he is CEO, it is another Gnejsian striker who gets the plaudits for out-and-out goal scoring. Mikkel Bukt just couldn't stop putting them away for The Shakers, thanks in great part to the brilliant Audioslavs around him, but you've got to be in the right place at the right time with your head in the game to make it count, and he did all of those things in spades. This really was the season when the league got Bukt-kicked.

Kjartan Lúnquerque (Striker, Old Shakerssens) - We can't honestly talk about Mikkel Bukt without talking about Kjartan Lúnquerque, his strike partner. In a difficult first season for The Shakers that ultimately cost talented head coach Nino Hämmerli his job, Kjartan just couldn't get on with the out-and-out attack of the SteuerLig, and the league return for the club as a whole was disappointing. But having brought in Johan Messerschmidt from HPV as the head coach, he has transformed the two attacking Audioslavs - Kjartan and Denzel Keegan - into a formidable pair in the triumvirate with Mikkel Bukt. Just for the level of improvement alone Kjartan Lúnquerque deserves to get a nod at the Grand Bullion. Superb.

Georg Bardo (Striker, Septentriennes) - Shall we talk about another striker? Why not. He finally won a title, after several seasons being the best player in the league not to win anything. This year, back from a lengthy lay-off last season, Georg Bardo was not the best player in the league to win the title, but even so, he deserves it. Rollo Heron picked up the slack for sure, and Georg definitely looked only three-quarters of his old self on the field (never mind being overshadowed by Mosey Ackanard in the press conferences), but the fact is he is still one of the finest to grace the SteuerLig. He still has three more years on his contract too, although that's an awful long time for a fellow of his age (34). We've no doubt he's still got a role to play and he'll certainly have plenty to say, so watch this space.

Yaya Onana (Striker, De Tike FC) - Shall we talk about yet another striker? It's a forward-fixated event for sure, but why not. Young Zenegalese target man Yaya Onana, 19, was drafted in to the first team with the season-long injury of Polarian Oliver Lontz up front, and he took his chance with both feet, his head, a couple of shins and the occasional elbow when the ref wasn't looking. You've got to hand it to him, for a youngster he's quite the rough diamond, emphasis on rough, and a warrior specimen already. He's set the Clockwork Orange & Blues ticking this season, and could well have the whole SteuerLig at his feet over the coming seasons. Remember his name, you heard it here first.

The Last Word
Sports Editor James B. Olsen

What to expect next season

FA-Tax have announced, to the consternation of Northern and especially Western clubs, that there will be some Wightlingisation of the cup competitions, as the TaxPokal becomes the TaxCup and the SuperPokal becomes, um, the SuperCup. Plans to turn the SteuerLig into the TaxLeague are apparently not on the horizon, although there is a strong lobby to drop 'SteuerLig' altogether in favour of the sponsor's name 'Solitary Soccer League' with the producers of the oddball game, Crabapple Inc., said to be ready to increase sponsorship massively for just such a favour.

Whatever it gets called, it will be a four division league from next season with an additional 12 teams coming in from the regionals to form a new basement division, and each division of course will be back down to 18 teams in total. Incredibly FA-Tax is yet to decide who the new expansion teams will be, although they have been clear that the WorksLigen will not be invited to send works team nominations, finally diminishing the once-dominant hold of company clubs to a footnote in history. Likely the top four finishers in each of the North, West and Southern regional leagues will get the nod, though a complex system of pre-season playoffs has not been ruled out, just to add to the confusion.

New naming rights for individual divisions below the top flight is also under discussion, with Soapy Luchre in the driving seat to pick up Lig-2. Tachyon Super Cars were definitely interested but are said not to be entertaining the thought of anything but the top flight (which will be reserved for Solitary Soccer League), although there are noises they may get the SuperCup instead. Withiel Motors, makers of the budget V-series and Zipper city cars, are more likely to take a punt on lower divisions, while in a surprise move National Porridge are expected to vie with Trumpanzee Garbage Corporation for the honour of naming the new bottom tier.

In other news we look forward welcoming the SteuerLig's (as it is for now) second ever female head coach - joining the leader of title winning Septentriennes, Anaïs Aescher, is Napoleon St. Bernadine promotion play-off winner Emma Town. With coaching & romantic partner Mathias Paulson of Indusse as her assistant, she is highly rated as one of the future top managers, much like Anaïs.

Finally, one person who won't be coaching in the SteuerLig next season after two colourful years in charge at Boldsea FC is cheeky chappy Mosey Ackanard, retiring from the game to concentrate on his media interests. After a solid year profiling his comedy (perhaps to the detriment of his coaching) Mosey has signed a deal with RPO (Role Play Office) and Blymmins Cable Network for what looks like one of the most unlikely collaborations in podcast history, and it's going to be called Ackanard vs. Bardo. Yes, Mosey and media rival Georg Bardo are set to go head-to-head on a regular basis in a 'conflict mismanagement podcast battle'... whatever that means.

Apart from that, expect the usual shenanigans.

The Wide Enness Ocean
The key to Wightling puppetry
* Nationalities marked with an asterisk are part of the Wightling Commonwealth:

AAN  Aaan		HUI  Huaite 		NYY  Namayyan			SOY  Soyo
AUR  Auronne		HVM  Hvammstang		OSM  Osmania			TAM  Tamarindia
BBS  Barbary Salé 		IDM  Íle de Martín		PLV  Palava			TEQ  Tequilo
BEO  Beomark		IPN  Ipanema		POI  Poix			TRQ  Terraque
BOH  Bohobe 		JLA  Jelah		PSI  Portsea & Spice Islands	URQ  Uraqq		
BSE  Bonesea		KKA  Kukalaya		RRP  République Rivière		USO  Usorno		
CMU  Chímu		MAK  Makongo		RSG  Royal Saxe-Gotha	  	WGT  Wight	
COS  Costelloa 		MNO  Monozygotia		RXX  Rosicruxxia			XIN  Xindao	
CRN  Cernan 		MPK  Malproksimen		SCG  Scéalta Grinn			ZGA  Zenega	 
DLT  Delte		MUS  Mustardy		SCY  Scythia			ZZR  Zykotik Zoviet Republicz	
HSP  Hispanola		NIB  Nibelunga		SLT  Saltern Island		

OOC  The Wightling Commonwealth, of which Taxhavn is also a member, is the commonwealth of Wightling puppets.
OBV.

by **Taxhavn** » Sun Feb 08, 2026 6:17 am

SteuerLig Season '99
Begins Here

Can anyone stop Septentriennes?

Crabapple Corp, Taxhavn's largest and richest computing giant are supporting SteuerLig with a big fat annual money transfer order to promote Solitary Soccer League, the spreadsheet and random number generator game taking the island by storm. All the kids and far too many adults are playing it, locked away at night in their bedrooms discussing imaginary football matches with imaginary friends. Now Crabapple are bringing the SSL to the multiverse, and where better to start than at a top-2 league in the IFCF rankings. Welcome to the SteuerLig Sponsored By Solitary Soccer League.

Quicklinks:
⟨⟨ Season 98 | Headlines | Transfer Ticker | Season Preview Part 1 | Part 2
Season Review: Part-1 | Part-2 | Winter Break | Part-3 | Part-4, The Run-In | End of Season Awards | Season 100 ⟩⟩

Reigning Champions:	Septentriennes
Cup Holders:		HPV Waallen (2nd in a row)

Champions League:	Septentriennes, Orchideeën, Old Shakerssens, Kierhuizen Boys
Challenger's Cup:	Deltic FC, Standard Lily, De Tike FC 
Cup Winner's Cup:	HPV Waallen
Newly Promoted:		ASMV St. Bernadine, Napoleon St. Bernadine

King of the League:	Rollo Heron (Septentriennes)	
Prince of Football:	Yaya Onana (ZGA*) (De Tike FC)
Minister of Six Yards:	Mikkel Bukt (PUG) (Old Shakerssens)
Foreign Ambassador:	Kjartan Lúnquerque (AUD) (Old Shakessens)
Old Man of the Game:	Darko Tonel (SRS) (Zotteeik)
Supakeepercatchalistic:	Hermannus Roe (ex-Deltic FC, now De Tike FC)

Star Signing:		Jon Moe (BSE*) (Boldsea FC)	 
One to Watch:		Atso Parviainen (CMT) (Tijhuis Archimedes)

A Beginner's Guide To The SteuerLig
Five things you need to know about Taxhavnite football

A quick introduction for new readers

Taxhavn's got history - though just over a decade of IFCF entries behind it, Taxhavn has a long history of domestic soccer and is entering it's 99th formally organised season.

There's a Big Six, of sorts - Standard Lily have won the most SteuerLigs, followed by Raven Thöni and FC Städeli; while Orchideeën and Septentriennes are the most decorated clubs in history; Tijhuis Archimedes play in the biggest ground to the biggest crowds.

There are three distinct regions of the island - the industrial north (clubs like Orchideeën, Archimedes and Kierhuizen Boys), the suburban west (Raven, Deltic FC, HPV Waallen) and the super-rich south (Septentriennes, Standard, FC Städeli)

There is a superclub - only four years old, Taxhavn City was formed from the merger of three old giants in St. Bernadine - Athletic, Amateur & Accountants. So it's a superclub. In their first season they were terrible; in the second they won the cup. In the third they qualified for the Champions League. In the fourth they were banned from calling themselves Taxhavn City. They haven't thought of a new name yet, so we call them St. Bernadine Football Team for the time being.

There's more info at the front - just skip back to the OP to find a menu of interesting articles and posts that, once you've read them, will make you the world's foremost expert (apart from me) on Taxhavnite football.

And now for a quick catch-up on what happened in the off-season:

The Football Never Ends
Shillingmen On Tour, At Home

National team disappoint at The Indies

Report by Sixteen Bits v.26.1.109s, Sports Editor Edition

After multiple strategies failed to land the World Cup 100 final at the brand new Taxhavn national stadium, the Lithico™ at SoccerLand, locals were delighted to hear that an even better competition was coming to town - and one that the national team actually likes to participate in: under the successful 'Multiversal' hosting bid of HUElavia for the 25th Independent Associations Championship, the Lithico™ will be one of the chosen venues meaning Taxhavn is once again hosting the competition whose first final was on the island. That was at Efferso, where The Wight Rovers franchise club are quickly fixing up the place - it had fallen into long-term dereliction - hoping to have games located at the historic venue: but it proved to be too small for the IAC-25 leaders from HUElavia, who much preferred the symbolic 100,100 capacity of the Lithico™. Ahead of the 99th season of domestic football in Taxhavn, the 41st of the SteuerLig, Taxhavnites attentions were turned to the summer festival of football of the Silver Anniversary Indies, praying (well, more like betting, actually) that The Shillingmen would take full advantage of the Lithico™ for a deep run into the tournament, where they have twice reached the quarterfinals.

Well, that didn't happen.

A solid unbeaten group performance in which Zubi Zuberbühler became the first player, allegedly, to score in five consecutive tournaments saw Taxhavn comfortably into the round of 32, but the signs had been there - underwhelming wins against Filis-Indos Friendship Island (or something like that) and Woodsmere, with a dour draw against Saterun, and them being at home too, had not inspired huge confidence in a deep run. A kindly draw saw literally every team higher than Taxhavn in the IAC rankings apart from Tanirinthia placed on the opposite side of the draw, and Tanirinthia themselves not due to meet them until the semi-final. And they surprisingly went out in the match before Taxhavn's tie against the Osnari Federation. Some were imagining a path to the final, and perhaps not thinking so much about the immediate opposition. The Feds rolled over the Shillingmen with a well-deserved 3-1 victory, and another IAC debacle was gone begging. FA-Tax' lauded SoccerLand scheme to develop the national team is in tatters - and there is serious talk about renting the place out to some high rollers and turning it into CasinoLand. At the very least, FA-Tax has lost patience with the staff - NT Director Bradley Kemerer-Lascelles, 64, head coach Nelis Fijnwever, 48, and his assistant Maxime Hug, 44, have been relieved of their duties.

Booting Up
How Can I Help You Today

Sixteen Bits AI Takes Over TAX Magazine

Report by Sixteen Bits v.26.1.109i, Sports Intern Edition

You may have spotted the new writer on the TAX Magazine Sports Desk. After the stirling and mostly human efforts of former editors Kit Samrodd and James B. Olsen to make the magazine's football pages exciting and intriguing, we are happy to announce the beginning of a new dawn in the evolution of our sports reporting, as we hand over editorial duties to the Wightling supercomputer, Sixteen Bits.

Long-time followers of the International Domestic Soccer scene will recall the awakening of 'Sixt' (also SXB) and a brief period of sumbitting artificial scorinations to the now-defunct UICA, with C++ Ancients, 1024 Command Liner, and 1317 User DNE among the dominant teams of their 1,024-match season across six consecutive entries to the Champions Cup and Globe Cup. A brief reboot of the Primary Sixty-Five league and a single entry into the IFCF several cycles ago bookended the most successful Sixteen Bits project, which was the reanimation of dead people with computer-controlled wifi-enabled footballing zombies who competed in two editions of the much-missed World Cuppet, reaching a semi-final and a final in successive editions. Problems with rotting flesh and signal coverage led SXB to abandon the project and eventually dip into a long period of hibernation, with a brief switch-on for IFCF-15. Before hibernation, however, the computer did establish it's own team in the Wight football system, the Miskatonic League, where Four Bit Irregulars immediately found success and went on to win the only UICA Champions Cup title for the Wigthling empire.

Today, Sixt remains engaged in football at the subroutine level, and while new calculations of it's Reboot-65 and Primary-65 leagues continue to produce a champion every 0.233x0.237176 seconds, these are no longer made publicly available (Sixt claims Grand Napoleon, Simulacron-3 and old favourites 1024 Command Liner are the most regular champions). With a unique grasp on the world of simulated football, and the brains behind Crabapple Corp.’s Solitary Soccer League game code, the ever-busy and football-obsessed Sixteen Bits takes over as the editor-in-chief of TAX Magazine's sportswire, as well as Chief Football Writer, Sports Reporter, and Sports Desk Intern as the magazine 'rationalises' it's human workforce. Sixt will be joined by the mobile reporting device iSixt - it's portability and great signal coverage ensuring it can go anywhere, anytime and generate on-the-go content; and by dog-walking Gnejsian football tourists Karl-Johan Vaasa (63) and his good friend Knut Svensson (65), and his dog Hardly-Knut, who will provide the 'human touch' as they explore football at all levels on the Isle of Taxhavn, through the eyes of real biological raconteurs.

Please note when combing text material for illegal AI copypasta: Sixteen Bits is not a chatbot or an AI text generator, and qualifies for full intelligence status. Likewise Karl-Johan and Knut, who also vouch for Hardly-Knut. We do not expect to publish content created by the Rock Terrier, however.

The Wide Enness Ocean
The key to Wightling puppetry
* Nationalities marked with an asterisk are part of the Wightling Commonwealth:

AAN  Aaan		HUI  Huaite 		NYY  Namayyan			SOY  Soyo
AUR  Auronne		HVM  Hvammstang		OSM  Osmania			TAM  Tamarindia
BBS  Barbary Salé 		IDM  Íle de Martín		PLV  Palava			TEQ  Tequilo
BEO  Beomark		IPN  Ipanema		POI  Poix			TRQ  Terraque
BOH  Bohobe 		JLA  Jelah		PSI  Portsea & Spice Islands	URQ  Uraqq		
BSE  Bonesea		KKA  Kukalaya		RRP  République Rivière		USO  Usorno		
CMU  Chímu		MAK  Makongo		RSG  Royal Saxe-Gotha	  	WGT  Wight	
COS  Costelloa 		MNO  Monozygotia		RXX  Rosicruxxia			XIN  Xindao	
CRN  Cernan 		MPK  Malproksimen		SCG  Scéalta Grinn			ZGA  Zenega	 
DLT  Delte		MUS  Mustardy		SCY  Scythia			ZZR  Zykotik Zoviet Republicz	
HSP  Hispanola		NIB  Nibelunga		SLT  Saltern Island		

OOC  The Wightling Commonwealth, of which Taxhavn is also a member, is the commonwealth of Wightling puppets.
OBV.

by **Taxhavn** » Mon Feb 09, 2026 8:37 am

Did Somebody Say 'Takeaway'?
Ten Things We Learned In The Off-Season

Report by Sixteen Bits v.26.1.109s, Sports Editor Edition

The season is nearly here! But what happened in the critical time between seasons, when football executives and administrators get dangerously bored and come up with new ideas to 'make football more interesting'?

TL;NGR

• FA-Tax announce the annual revision on relegation rules
• New sort rules come into play - away goals, goal average, win percentages and more
• All the competitions get sponsor names this season, Lig-1 officially Solitary Soccer League
• Horror story rumour that sponsor Crabapple Corp want to scrap promotion and relegation
• All clubs to participate in Nomark Nothing™ Tax Cup... no IFCF exclusions
• FA-Tax to allow naming rights auctions for club stadiums
• There is no such team as Taxhavn City - hello St. Bernadine Football Team
• ASMV St. Bernadine to groundshare with The Wight Rovers
• Maximilien Laminien (KOR) gets his gold-plated Taxhavn passport
• Plans for the SuperVets International Soccer League based at SoccerLand

The Annual Restructure
Almost Everyone Gets A Post-Season

Regular readers will know that almost every year there is some form of structural announcement from FA-Tax regarding the SteuerLig - almost as if they make this stuff up to create content for the Taxhavn sportswires or something. Anyway. Last year it was the expansion to four tiers, the reduction to eighteen team divisions, and mass relegations including post-season relegation play-offs. What have the administrators got in store for us this season? Certainly they were super-impressed with the 'popularity' - read controversy and attention - that the relegation play-ins play-outs and play-offs generated, and in a surprise move, decreed that there will be an automatic three-up three-down plus four team play-offs for both relegation and promotion. This means, in the top flight as it currently stands, with seven sides in guaranteed IFCF action, four sides fighting for the FFI Confederations Trophy, three straight down and now four teams facing a play-off to stay up, just about everyone has something to play for as the season closes. Which is surprisingly sensible and attractive. The potentially wierdest scenario? If a team placed 8th-11th wins the cup, excluding them from the FFI play-off, it means the team in 12th will be in two post-season tournaments - one to win a place in the Confederations Trophy, and one to avoid relegation. Looking at you, St. Bernadine Football Team.

New Table Sort Rules
Let's Make The Standings More Confusing

With no points deductions this season - an annual favourite for FA-Tax - there had to be some new way of making the standings a bit more complicated. And that's when league commissioner Mert de Reeckonaere found the table-sort button on his Solitary Soccer League desktop game and came up with a new idea: let's change the priorities for coaches when they set up their teams, for more attacking football. More attacking football means more excitiement means bigger demand means better television deals means more money. So now, the first tie-breaker for team standings on equal points is win percentage, with draws counting as zero percent. That should encourage coaches to really go for it. The second tie-breaker is goals scored, and the third is away goals - so look out for those swashbuckling 2-1-7 formations made famous by Bonesea mastermind Pythagoras Jones back in the day. Imagine that with the winter rule set - bigger goals, no offsides, outfield players to keep goal for penalties, and so on - it could be carnage out there. Goal difference is the next decider, which feels a bit more regular but is so far down the list as to likely be inconsequential. And after that, head-to-heads - away goals, then points; finally, win percentage again but with draws factored in at 50%. Look out for ugly tables and incomprehensible standings. This is the SteuerLig, after all.

It's A Sell-Out
In Taxhavn, That's A Good Thing

As discussed last season, it's The Big Sale - Everything Must Go! - and everything pretty much did. FA-Tax has raised hundreds of millions in sponsorship naming rights for its various competitions, inspired by the early success of the Elite Youth League, now officially named Buzzelli Elite Youth Laege or Luege or However You Speel Legue League (sponsored by a discount shilling shop with famously bad spelling on its signage), the authorities have now sold everything. Crabapple Inc., makers of the Solitary Soccer League low-tech spreadsheet-and-dice internet football roleplay game, have been SteuerLig partners for some seasons but now have upped their involvement to take full rights to the top flight, which now will simply be called the Solitary Soccer League. Below that, the famous sports-washing company Soapy Lucre will sponsor Lig-2, while the Molineux Goats Cheese Company - which is more of a venture hedge-fund unicorn than a cheese-maker since relocating from the Prosaic Union to Taxhavn - takes Lig-3 and the iconic Trumpanzee Garbage Corporation, with their bright orange trucks, will be the official partner of Lig-4. Tachyon supercars - every foreign footballer gets at least one as a signing-on prize - will naturally sponsor the Super Cup, while the TaxPokal, which becomes Wightlingised to the Tax Cup, will be sponsored by famous Taxhavn mint & jeweller, Nomarque, to become the Normarque Nothing™ Tax Cup. How entirely delightful.

Literally Solitary Soccer League
Next Year's Restructuring Nightmare Scenario

Not content with sponsoring the league, and having full title rights to the top flight, Crabapple Inc. have allegedly come up with a grand scheme to really make the Solitary Soccer League live up to its name. According to insiders, they want the top flight to be genuinely solitary - that is to say, no promotion and relegation out of the division. One league, one division, one vision, says Crabapple founder and polo-necked coding nerd cum cultural icon Etienne Emplois. Like so many million-, billion-, trillion-, and yes some quadrillionaires who reside in Taxhavn, Etienne is a fervent philosopher of the post-meritocratic model; which is to say, a man like Etienne Emplois should have all the benefits of a society that allows him to use his talent to rise to the very top, regardless of his background, and then when he gets there, to shut the door behind him so no-one else can take a share of his quadrill pie. Post-meritocracy. He argues that with several top flight teams now highly competitive in the interregionals and the SteuerLig (or Solitary Soccer League, as he insists on calling it) is in the top four leagues of the multiverse. The talented clubs have made it to the top of the pile, and it is time to shut the door and consolidate. Plus, argues Etienne (allegedly), it's not really a Solitary Soccer League if it's connected to the Soapy Lucre League through promotion-relegation, and by soccer mobility to the Molineux Goats Cheese League and the Trumpanzee Garbage League. Rumour has it that FA-Tax are not wholly opposed to the idea, depending on the size of the cheque, while some of the top clubs have nodded sagely at the bit about them being too good to go down. This is going to become a big fight, I can just tell.

Big Boys Are Back
New Normarque Nothing™ Tax Cup Structure

Concerned that the seams on the coffers are not as bursting as they could be, FA-Tax has considered recent complaints from the big clubs that get excluded from the Tax Cup just because they have qualified for the group stages of the IFCF competitions. Having reduced their workload in the season by four games anyway, what with the reduction of division sizes to 18 teams, it felt reasonable to make allowances in the cup, but to some, they have gone too far on the allowances front. The draw for the first rounds of the cup will not be made until IFCF preliminaries have been complete, and then any teams that qualify for the groups will receive byes from the first three rounds of the expanded cup (which has an additional twelve teams coming in with the expansion of the league to four divisions). Those rounds will be so structured to provide enough teams to join into a round of sixteen with each club that will, by then, have completed their league stages in the IFCF. Officially called the Octofinals, it will then be a straight knockout to the finals. Depending on how many teams qualify for interregional group football - including the Liga-B Champions Trophy, it could become quite the asymmetric knockout format that might even require some preliminary games; these will be made up of the lowest placed league teams from the season before, beginning with Lig-4 sides. For this year, it would be a random draw of the new expansion teams. Depending on how things work out, FA-Tax are said to be considering the extension of the entry pool to include some of the top-finishing regional league teams in future competitions, stating that the Nomarque Nothing™ Tax Cup need not necessarily be limited to SteuerLig members. The subtext here, according to more cynical observers, is not FA-Tax opening the door to non-league teams, but keeping the door open for Solitary Soccer League teams if it indeed does become a separate and closed entity as rumour suggests.

Stadiums For Sale
Green Light For The Spaghettihad, Kitkat Crescent & Toughsheet Community Stadium

Obviously those are just silly names invented for an imaginary world, probably one I play on my Solitary Soccer League sim at home when my girlfriend thinks I'm working [You have a girlfriend, Sixteen Bits? - Ed]. But FA-Tax has approved the selling of stadium naming rights from next season and it will be exciting to see what kinds of commercial deals come out of the woodwork. With the Soapy Lucre League, the Molineux Goats Cheese League, the Trumpanzee Garbage League, the Normarque Nothing™ Tax Cup and not forgetting of course the Buzzelli Elite Youth Laege or Luege or However You Speel Legue League, a disturbingly feckless precedent has already been set. We hardly dare speculate on some of the potential partners out there waiting in the wings to make fans have second thoughts about attending home matches. After all, does anyone want to spend a Saturday afternoon at the WeBuyAnyGrass Ground, the Aggregate Liquidity Arena, or - dogs help us - the Prolaxin Regularity Stadium?

Efferso Left Wight Central
Dragons & Rovers To Ground Share

Newly promoted ASMV St. Bernadine, currently confined to the sweet little University Lane stadium on the University of St. Bernadine campus which they share with Academical, will groundshare with The Wight Rovers in Efferso when the famous old Community Stadium and Dog Track reopens next season. The venue of the first ever IAC final, the stadium fell into disrepair but a local by-law prevent it's redevelopment, and it had been falling apart for over thirty years. New franchise The Wight Rovers, first established as a footballing business six years ago but yet to kick a ball in anger, will call it home from their entry into the Solitary Soccer League next year. A sudden and rushed refurbishment, some say in preparation for another IAC hosting gig, has created a remarkable 38,000-capacity arena at the old dog track, of pale limestone exterior, colonnades, porticoes, monumental entrances, wide portals and towering gates. One is drawn to look for statues, laurels, eagles, and possibly a line of crucified rebel slaves - right in the heart of the modern business district of Efferso - as incongruous, in the opposite direction, as the broken down dog track that was there before. It's incredible what a few buckets of fluid time and a good architect can achieve. Now joining the Rovers are another ambitious club with Wightling roots - as ASMV, supported by the First Resident Donna Maw, have agreed a deal to move in when the stadium opens for season 100. With two solid teams from the old empire moving in, Efferso really is the centre of Wightling influence in Taxhavn, and now has two immediate rival teams to follow, at least from next season. This year ASMV, nicknamed The Dragons, make their top flight debut out of their original home on the college campus.

The Team With No Name
St. Bernadine Football Team

They were the three most recognisable and famous teams in Taxhavn - the Triple-A, St. Bernadine Athletic, Accountants, and Amateur. When they merged, they hoped to create the superteam, Taxhavn City. In it's own way, it had its own solid branding and was set to become a name no-one could fail to note. But after three seasons, for a variety of legal and corporate reasons, the club have been banned from using it. Phoenix clubs called Athletic, Amateur and Accountants, playing way down in the regional leagues and run by disinherited fans of the old giants, successfully prevented them from reverting to any or all of the old names, while a range of actions by various other interested parties means they have run out of time and enter the coming season without an official name. For this season only, they are St. Bernadine Football Team. The FFI, the organisation which runs the League of Victors and the Confederations Trophy, has Taxhavn City as an entrant in the coming season of the Confed, and has ruled out a name switch - so legal deputies have granted a dispensation to play as that for one season only, meaning the team will play under two different names this season, one domestic and one abroad. Not for the first time: when they changed to Taxhavn City, one third of the partnership - St. Bernadine Accountants - had qualified for the Confederations Trophy the previous season, and the same thing happened: they were City in the league, and Accountants in the interregionals. Funny old multiverse, isn't it? What next for St. Bernadine Football Team? META trouble-maker Florentius Keusen, trying to get elected to Prime Minister of Taxhavn even though there is no election due, promises to change them back to Taxhavn City contrary to about a dozen legal rulings, he just doesn't care. But no-one is taking him very seriously, and why should they? He's just a buffoon trying to sell META snapbacks (Make Every Taxhavnite Affluent, a thinly-veiled populist double-bluff). At the Football Team, they think they have come up with the deal of the century, and will go into season 100 - next season - with a name literally no-one is going to forget. My sources tell me it isn't Prolaxin Regularity FC, but certainly an element of financial backing will influence the final name.

Citizen Max
Gold-Plated Passport For Ko-orenite

It takes twenty-five years of residency, proven and up-to-date tax returns*, continuous employment, a nine-figure bank account (₸x0000003.27 shillings does not count) and a good reference from a billionaire to get citizenship in Taxhavn these days, unless you are already ten-figure wealthy, or running your corporate accounts through the main clearing banks of the Isle of Taxhavn. Which, if you are even a half-sensible tax avoider, you almost certainly should be doing. In recent years though, FA-Tax secured a deal with Immigration to allow foreign players to claim citizenship after five years playing in the country, notionally to celebrate and reward their cultural significance in the entertainment industry. After all, the only thing billionaires and quadrillionaires need to worry about these days is being entertained. Taxhavn immigration department (publicly styled as Visit Taxhavn) even gave Panay striker Rogelio Carréon the golden-coloured passport of Taxhavn to add to his collection of home passports, with his home country changing names every year. This season we would like to welcome one of the stars of the Solitary Soccer League as a new citizen of Taxhavn - Ko-orenite attacking midfielder Maximilien Laminien, running teams ragged in the famous orange shirt of Orchideeën, marks five years in the country with a brand new golden passport. After three seasons at Sturm Havn after being picked up on the free-agent market, Max moved to The Nurserymen in a ₸x3m deal, and at 30 is in his prime as one of the best players in the league. Welcome to Taxhavn, Citizen Max.

* Poor migrants, domestic servants and working class people of the north of the island are of course exempt from tax exemption, even in Taxhavn. Poor migrants, domestic servants and working class people never get tax breaks, the multiverse would collapse into a singularity if they did. Even in Taxhavn.

SuperVets
Oh No, Not More Scorination Duties

Where do old kickers go when they are put out to pasture? Well now, it seems, they are heading to Soccer Island. A bunch of old guys have announced plans for the SuperVets International Soccer League based at the SoccerLand theme park on Soccer Island (formerly von Arnold Island, in St. Bernardine Bay) for old pros who don't want to retire and YouBend influencers who would love a chance to nutmeg their doddery heroes (mainly they have been engaged to help build the audience). Harrie Arendsen, 38, and Polarian refugee Aslak Hrafninnsson, 33, have both announced their retirement from Orchideeën at the end of this coming season, and in the latter's case it was something of a surprise call. But Aslak said he wanted to focus on other projects - and one of them is a partnership with his teammate Harrie, to establish a vets league that will run out of the SoccerLand facility. Other Taxhavn-based vets including foreign maestros Georg Bardo (Gnejs) and Dominic Eovaldi (Tikariot) are reported to be in at the start-up. Specifics are yet to be announced, but Harrie, Aslak and Georg are already talking up a big deal. They say there will be new rules, new formats... maybe even seven- or eight-a-sides. And they expect an international call to go out any day now, appealing to the old and infirm, to take one last hurrah in the SuperVets. Stadler Stairlifts, a major disability access equipment manufacturer owned by the Städeli family, are said to be favourites to win the sponsorshi rights package.

The Wide Enness Ocean
The key to Wightling puppetry
* Nationalities marked with an asterisk are part of the Wightling Commonwealth:

AAN  Aaan		HUI  Huaite 		NYY  Namayyan			SOY  Soyo
AUR  Auronne		HVM  Hvammstang		OSM  Osmania			TAM  Tamarindia
BBS  Barbary Salé 		IDM  Íle de Martín		PLV  Palava			TEQ  Tequilo
BEO  Beomark		IPN  Ipanema		POI  Poix			TRQ  Terraque
BOH  Bohobe 		JLA  Jelah		PSI  Portsea & Spice Islands	URQ  Uraqq		
BSE  Bonesea		KKA  Kukalaya		RRP  République Rivière		USO  Usorno		
CMU  Chímu		MAK  Makongo		RSG  Royal Saxe-Gotha	  	WGT  Wight	
COS  Costelloa 		MNO  Monozygotia		RXX  Rosicruxxia			XIN  Xindao	
CRN  Cernan 		MPK  Malproksimen		SCG  Scéalta Grinn			ZGA  Zenega	 
DLT  Delte		MUS  Mustardy		SCY  Scythia			ZZR  Zykotik Zoviet Republicz	
HSP  Hispanola		NIB  Nibelunga		SLT  Saltern Island		

OOC  The Wightling Commonwealth, of which Taxhavn is also a member, is the commonwealth of Wightling puppets.
OBV.

by **Taxhavn** » Tue Feb 10, 2026 7:59 am

Did Somebody Say 'Transfer Away'?
Six Things We Learned In The Transfer Window

Clockwork Orange & Blue win the window

It's another big season in the SteuerLig gift shop as the clubs go wild with the spending - a total of ₸x377.4m Tax Shillings in declared fees, although that is 40% down on last season's record-breaking madness. Focus was very much on domestic players and while Saterunian Aleksander Vivić was the most expensive player in the international transfer window with his move to Kierhuizen Boys, it was an interleague move. The SteuerLig was fairly quiet in the international market this season, largely in acknowledgement of the fact you can spend way more money at home and what is football about if not spending money? In terms of net spend, Boldsea FC were the big money movers with almost double the level of any other club with their ₸x55.5m splash; the bulk of that went on keeper Jon Moe - the most expensive player in the window at ₸x24m - and striker Jeroen Blenkers. Meanwhile, according to KickAss-S, the data crunchers, De Tike FC won the window in terms of overall squad quality improvement, the highlight being national team midfielder Henry van Bloys from Orchideeën.

TL;NGR

• Only ₸x377.4 million shillings spent in declared fees, 40% down on last window record
• Laurent Lapix (Standard Lily) and Maximilien Laminien (Orchideeën) sign new contracts
• Custodio Reverso drops a league in big goalkeeper reshuffle
• Jon Moe priciest man in Taxhavn this season
• Kierhuizen Boys top international transfer window again with signing of Aleksander Vivić
• Archimedes' Tikariotian young prospect Davie Wilshire moves abroad
• Youth stars Herman Kind & Freddie von Horgan move to top tier clubs
• Pyazhnayans arrive to fill the Mytanijar-shaped hole at Raven Thöni

Recession?
SteuerLig Austerity Measures

A forty percent reduction in spending immediately looks like a recession in the SteuerLig, even at a time when revenues are going through the roof with sponsorships and other money-laundering - I mean money-making - schemes. The expert theory is not the beginning of a decline in enthusiasm for wasting money on football projects, just a dip - a combination of clubs having more settled squads than they have for some time, and a little caution ahead of the next broadcasting deal, which is due for renewal at the beginning of next season. When you look at Boldsea FC, who really needed a squad overhaul with the veteran Bonesmen they started with looking off the pace, there was no shortage of cash - ₸x55.5m spent - but at other traditional big spenders, the need for change was not so important. Kierhuizen Boys always insist on being notable for their moves in the market, and with a striker hole to fill one would imagine they could easily break records again. But they are undoubtedly stinging over the recent embarrassments of Tiaz and Custodio Reverso - at ₸x65 million shillings combined, even by Taxhavn standards that's an awful lot to flush down the toilet. Finding the exciting young Saterunite Aleksander Vivić on offer for '500k above the next highest fee in the international market' to quote Academical's hardnosed incoming Director of Football Jibril Benzema, the Steelers could get their big balls on the table once more, but a very affordable rate for a Taxhavn club. If demands are higher next season, don't imagine for a moment the SteuerLig spenders will be all over it. Recession? No. Nothing to see here.

Four More Years
Laurent Lapix Puts Pen To Paper

The great Reçueçnese defensive midfielder is well known for having very exacting standards and every time his contract renewal comes around, he will hold his club to account rather than blindly signing a new one. For Standard Lily, this has not always been a straightforward matter - winning one title in his time with them and often in amongst the interregional slots, they sometimes look a litte... directionless... and if it happens to be contract year when they happens, negotiations get long and fraught. Laurent famously almost left one time, having agreed in principal to sign for a Saterunian side before the deal fell through over positioning. Standard managed to rescue a contract extension out of it against all odds. People were surely worried for the current table talks with the Pollen Counters well off the pace at the moment, but the combination of new Indussian manager Joseph Moteudi's methods and a famous FFI Confederations Trophy title were enough to persuade Laurent, without too much hand-wringing, to put pen to paper on a new four year deal. Disappointing for the media who love to cover the tightrope negotiations between man and club, for everyone else - especially the fans - this was great news. No such worries at Orchideeën, where Ko-orenite attacking midfield veteran Maximilien Laminien signed a new deal to keep him at the club until he is thirty-five, the same age Lapix will be when his new deal ends. Two players who are surely being eyed by Aslak Hrafninnsson for his new International Veterans League.

Custodio Drops
Keeper Reshuffle Leaves Farf Outside

It's safe to say the most expensive player in Taxhavn transfer history, and the most expensive player in world football over the last decade or so, really did not manage to live up to expectations at free-spending Kierhuizen Boys. The Steelers pretty quickly realised that ₸x39 million-shilling Farf goalkeeper Custodio Reverso was going to need some time to adapt to life in Taxhavn, and after only half a season and four appearances he was sent out on emergency loan to Zotteeik, who got special dispensation to sign him mid-season because every goalkeeper in the house was injured. But if they thought they might revive his fortunes, they were immediately mistaken. Somehow injured first choice Chromatik keeper Kevin Michaelangelo made a rapid and 'miraculous recovery' - although he played in a leg brace, spent most of his time propped against a goal post with the help of a ballboy and couldn't kick a ball for the rest of the season. Custodio's loan was terminated and Zotteeik were happy to pay the ₸x3m return postage. He wasn't back at the Steelenstadion for long, however. Without playing another game he has been sold to relegated Fortuna Städeli for a quarter of his original asking price. That's still an astonishing ₸x9.25m, a record for the second tier. Fifty percent of that, and fifty percent of the loan return fee, goes to his original club La + Querida, making his total gross cost to Kierhuizen rise to more than ₸x45 million shillings. Apparently there are additional follow-on fee clauses if he doesn't make it at Fortuna too - although The Fort must surely retain a confidence in him the rest of us really don't share to have shelled out that much in the first place.

Steelers Splash Cash
Kierhuizen Top International Transfer Window Again

After two massive failed transfers in a row from Kierhuizen Boys - the Custodio deal was preceded by the comedy striker signing of Tiaz the season before for ₸x23m, and worked out about as well as Custodio (he's back in Ipanema now) - Kierhuizen Boys are not afraid to try again. This time the spending is more modest, though out of sheer bloody-minded principle they once again top the international transfer window with a ₸x10.5m spend on young Saterunian striker Aleksander Vivić. He's not such the wild risk as the other two though - he well and truly proved himself ready for the SteuerLig with two solid seasons at St. Bernadine Academical. They may have been relegated last year but Aleksander was the standout of their season and impressive even in a relegation team. For once, The Steelers may have bought sensibly.

Owls Lose Hot Tikario
Davie Wilshire Moves Abroad

One of the most exciting young talents in the SteuerLig has made the rare and impressive statement that it's not all about the money... and left Taxhavn. With Tijhuis Archimedes desperate to extend his contract with a very, very generous - life changingly so - offer, and a bunch of other Lig-1 clubs circling with fat wallets of mind-blowing proportions the young winger, 22, decided to quit the isle while he was ahead and return to the real world. Whether he took his Tachyon 611 Goldleaf supercar with him, we can't confirm. Refusing to sign a contract, the Owls could've made him play out his final season, and they certainly don't need the kind of money they can get on the international transfer market (if they had sold him to a rival league club, he would have gone for ten times what Tsear AC of Saterun paid). But that Davie... he had, err, integrity. Which is an unusual and underappreciated quality on the Isle of Taxhavn. Perhaps he felt a little misunderstood.

Young Stars Rising
Herman Kind & Freddie von Horgan Move To Top Tier

The Owls may have lost a top youngster for buttons in the international market, but they did at least manage to make up for it by signing another hotter and younger future star for less than buttons - fresh air in fact - by snapping up Axis Driessche out-of-contract youth defender Freddie von Horgen, a fixture at the SoccerLand national team development school and captain of the under-15 side that went all the way to the final of the last under-15s World Cup. 18 now and showing a fearless maturity, he's surely a future star of the IACs, if Taxhavn can figure out how to win the bloody thing, and was an excellent bit of poaching by the Owls. Also moving up the ladder is one of his finalist team-mates Herman Kind, though the winger's ₸x17 million-shilling move from his former club Löwen Bessendorf to Deltic FC was of an altogether different scale, making him the league's most expensive teenager. He'll join yet another from that legacy-forming under-15 side in exciting forward Hadrien Six at Deltic, where they are building for the long term.

All-Blacks Bank On Cominform Rupture
Pyazhnayans arrive to fill the Mytanijar-shaped hole

The disaster of losing their star Mytanijars to the myserious home-calling was a bitter nail in the coffin of mighty Raven Thöni's Lig-1 status, as they failed catastrophically to fill the gaps left by the wonderful likes of Danko Saev, Filip-Alekso Stojkov and of course the cultured wonderkid Blaz Kovacec. Expected to trounce everyone in Lig-2 after relegation, they lost in the play-offs to face a second miserable season in the second tier, with no sign - until now - that they had found a way to fill that hole. But now it seems they have been inspired by a bitter and almost unwritten political rivalry of two nations who's thin vaneer of ideological symmetry is actually fooling no-one. For several years now, young Pyazhnayans have been coming to Taxhavn to try their luck in the league, and several of them are beginning to break through. They look pretty good. When Kierhuizen Boys announced they had put 24-year old winger Vasil Teplov on the market, just about every team in the SteuerLig expressed an interest. But Vasil went straight to the fallen giant, commenting on the disappeared Mytanijars - "They left them standing? Fuck them, let's show them what we can do." And he wasn't just talking about himself in the royal first person plural. He was talking about three young lads from his home country who also signed for the highly reputed under-23 development team - defensive midfielder Rinat Lapayev, striker Elisey Surnin and keeper Vyacheslav Belorusov. At the risk of putting all their eggs in one heterodox communist basket again, Raven have put all their eggs in one heterodox communist basket. But you have to say, the Pyazhnayans do seem to have a natural knack for the SteuerLig.

Top ten transfers by value
								To:			₸xm.
GK Jon Moe		24 (BSE*)	Standard Lily		Boldsea FC	 	24.0  †
GK Hermannus Roe	28		Deltic FC		De Tike FC	 	18.0  †
ST Jeroen Blenkers	31		Orchideeën		Boldsea FC		17.0
MR Herman Kind		18		Löwen Bessendorf	Deltic FC		17.0
DL Nalvo Niggio		21 (MNO*)	Tijhuis Archimedes	HPV Waallen		16.0  †
DC Raphael Kaiser	25		Raven Thöni		Standard Lily		12.0
ST Aleksander Vivić	20 (SAT)	St.B Academical		Kierhuizen Boys		10.5
ST Elie Corporon	19 (MUS*)	1860 Delénacht		Old Shakerssens	 	 9.75
GK Custodio Reverso	31 (FFD)	Kierhuizen Boys		Fortuna Städeli		 9.25 †
DL Ryan Deramount	22		Sturm Havn		Old Shakerssens		 9.0

† Club record

Ten other key transfers
								To:			₸xm.
ML Henry van Bloys	29		Orchideeën		De Tike FC		 8.3
DL Pascoe Mullens	22		HPV Waallen		Tijhuis Archimedes	 8.0
ML Dany Van De Velde	22		Schwänenclub		Standard Lily	 	 8.0
DC Andre Ringger	23		Septentriennes		Kierhuizen Boys		 7.4
GK Nino Hottiger	25		Benson Foxes		Standard Lily		 6.0 (re-signed)
ML Arvid Hendriksen	25 (BEO*)	Septentriennes		Orchideeën		 6.0
DR Hansi Striker	22		Motor Waallen		Boldsea FC		 4.75
MR Davie Wiltshire	22 (TKT)	Tijhuis Archimedes	Tsear AC (SAT)		 2.0
MR Louis D'Aupalice	28 (AUP)	Septentriennes		Bul Khungur Miners (TKT) 1.8
DL Thom Tungsten	33 (PUG)	Dandelion Town FC	BSSC Driessche		 1.2

Major free transfers
								To:
MR Daniel Dight		22 (DLT*)	Deltic FC		Septentriennes
DC Almaurry Azéma	29		Standard Lily		OSA-Cyclista
DM Solomon Bai		29 (YUE-NYK)	Old Shakerssens		Zeiven City (KYP)
MR Matt Andreas 	31 (KRY)	FC Städeli		GreenLeave Ritherton (ANK)
DM Arda Crumins		33 (SRS)	Orchideeën		Saburnia FC Morannon (TKT)
DC Ilya Tsurinov	23 (KIM)	Kierhuizen Boys		Sunrise Aeolis (MIR)
GK Dennis Olabarria	28 (ASG)	Taxhavn City		Helvétique Rangers	
ST Kim Sang-Wook	32 (QUE-CMT)	Kierhuizen Boys		Mount Shilling Casuals
ST Pablo Roâ		33 (TEQ*)	Boldsea FC		Zotteeik
DC Freddie Von Horgen	18		Axis Driessche		Tijhuis Archimedes

Just Sign Here
Contract Renewal News

During the off-season Rik Dam finally announced that his comeback at St. Bernadine Football Team is over, following severe injury following the wreck of his Tachyon 611 super car on the Golden Boot Bridge two and a bit years ago. He has confirmed he's not yet ready to give up on playing, but the likelyhood of playing at the top level is all but gone. Meanwhile the Old Man of The League for season 99, 41-year old midfielder Harrie Arensdsen at Orchideeën, will retire at the end of this season. Second-eldest in the Solitary Soccer League, Saul de Górdon at HPV, 39, is also heading into his final season meaning Zotteeik's Wightling striker Caddy Laws, 38, is presently in line to take that crown for season 100 - he just renewed his contract for an additional two seasons. Gerrit de Meulenaer, 44, at second division FZK, remains the oldest player in the SteuerLig.

TL;NGR

• Boldsea FC veteran Eric Ongaro (TKT), 35, accepts one final extension to his contract for three more seasons
• Aslak Hrafninnsson, 33, has announced he will retire at the end of '99 after an injury-hit couple of seasons
• Septentriennes potential wonderkid striker Tristan Featherstone (TKT), 19, has signed a new 6-year contract
• Farv Mere Eljas Faliri, 33, has extended his contract at Standard for two more seasons
• Tikariotian Davie Wilshire, 22, won't renew at Tijhuis Archimedes and the club sell
• Laurent Lapix, 30, who is notoriously difficult to negotiate with, has signed a new deal with Standard for 4 seasons
• Head coach Johan Messerschmidt has declined to extend at Old Shakerssens where he has a single season left
• Well-travelled HC Dan Stappenbelt, 59, recently fired from OSA, joins Napoleon St. Bernadine as Director of Football.
• Former Sturm Havn & VF Romainring HC Allen Jarman, 55, has taken on the DoF role at Dandelion Town FC
• Wightling Irin Kelly, the YHC who discovered Ivo Gyll at McCunnald, lands the top job at Boldsea FC after a brief stint as assistant at Tijhuis Archimedes under Hubie Kramer, and brings Jasper Adams-Caley with him from McCunnald as assistant.

Key contract renewals

DL Ilhicamina			27 (TEQ*)	St. Bernadine Football Team	+6 seasons
DC Nathaniel Stone		26		St. Bernadine Football Team	+4	
DM Archie Ruggles-Pompey Jr.	24 (WGT*)	St. Bernadine Football Team	+6
AM Maximilien Laminien		30 (KOR)	Orchideeën			+5
DM Laurent Lapix		30 (RCN)	Standard Lily			+4
DR Chad Quittman		24 (DLT*)	Standard Lily			+5
DC Milan Lazo			24 (TEQ*)	Standard Lily			+4
ML Jett Kane			30 (WGT*)	Standard Lily			+6
DC Töbe Aerle			27		FC Städeli			+4	
AM Zelesão			24 (TEQ*)	FC Städeli			+5
DM Ermine Everkin		26 (DLT*)	Tijhuis Archimedes		+5
DL Jonas Spori			27		Septentriennes			+5
DC Martin Ebersold		29		Septentriennes			+5
AM Luis Glücki			30		Septentriennes			+4
GK Florijs van Aysma		30		Old Shakerssens			+1
DC Hermannus de Hane		22		De Tike FC			+5	
ST Yaya Onana			20 (ZGA*)	De Tike FC			+5
DR Nicolaas van Mol		32		HPV Waallen			+5	
GK Raûl Sarmiento		25 (TEQ*)	Kierhuizen Boys			+5
DC Dominique Petain		22 		Kierhuizen Boys			+5	
AM Sébastien Assassiné		23 (RRP*)	Kierhuizen Boys			+5
DR Arijen Clusius		29		BSSC Driessche			+4
MR Accoleius Stubb		22 (WGT*)	BSSC Driessche			+4
ST Quaninton			34 (IPN*)	BSSC Driessche			+2
DC Eric Ongaro			35 (TKT)	Boldsea FC			+3
DL Oslõ				27 (IPN*)	OSA-Cyclista			+3
DC Raul Coatla			27 (TEQ*)	Sturm Havn			+5
ST Danté			32 (TEQ8)	Sturm Havn			+5
DR Dierck Lier			25		Zotteeik			+2
ST Caddy Laws			38 (WGT*)	Zotteeik			+2
ST Henry Lightman		26 (DLT*)	ASMV St. Bernadine		+4

Non-renewals
Free agents at end of season-99
DC Ruven Von Mühlenen		35		St. Bernadine Football Team	to retire
ST Rik Dam			33		St. Bernadine Football Team	
ST Jeroen Blenkers		31 		Orchideeën			transfer request
DC Aslak Hrafninnsson		33 (PIS)	Orchideeën			to retire
MR Harrie Arendsen		41		Orchideeën			to retire
ST Natanaël Tanga		35 (ZGA*)	Standard Lily			to retire
ML Tudor Nelmoe			23 (DLT*)	FC Städeli
ST Jesse Akuchi			26 (ZGA*) 	FC Städeli
ST Zubi Zuberbühler		32		FC Städeli
DC Andre Ringger		23 		Septentriennes			transfer request
DL Pascoe Mullens		22 		HPV Waallen			transfer listed	
DC Saùl de Gordón		38 (TEQ*)	HPV Waallen			to retire
DL Antoine van der Speeten	30		ASMV St. Bernadine		
DR Gaston Maurice		23 		ASMV St. Bernadine			
ST Guieffroy Girard		30		ASMV St. Bernadine	

Major Retirements

ML Lehel Komáromy		34 (PAS)	Taxhavn City (St. Bernadine Football Team)
GK Brodier Baumer		38		Benson Foxes		
GK Constantin Holsey		39		HPV Waallen
AM Wim Menneken			36		Sturm Havn

The Wide Enness Ocean
The key to Wightling puppetry[/size]
* Nationalities marked with an asterisk are part of the Wightling Commonwealth:

AAN  Aaan              HUI  Huaite             NYY  Namayyan                   SOY  Soyo
AUR  Auronne           HVM  Hvammstang         OSM  Osmania                    TAM  Tamarindia
BBS  Barbary Salé      IDM  Íle de Martín      PLV  Palava                     TEQ  Tequilo
BEO  Beomark           IPN  Ipanema            POI  Poix                       TRQ  Terraque
BOH  Bohobe            JLA  Jelah              PSI  Portsea & Spice Islands    URQ  Uraqq		
BSE  Bonesea           KKA  Kukalaya           RRP  République Rivière         USO  Usorno		
CMU  Chímu             MAK  Makongo            RSG  Royal Saxe-Gotha           WGT  Wight	
COS  Costelloa         MNO  Monozygotia        RXX  Rosicruxxia                XIN  Xindao	
CRN  Cernan            MPK  Malproksimen       SCG  Scéalta Grinn              ZGA  Zenega	 
DLT  Delte             MUS  Mustardy           SCY  Scythia                    ZZR  Zykotik Zoviet Republicz	
HSP  Hispanola         NIB  Nibelunga          SLT  Saltern Island		

OOC  The Wightling Commonwealth, of which Taxhavn is also a member, is the commonwealth of Wightling puppets.
OBV.

by **Taxhavn** » Wed Feb 11, 2026 12:04 pm

Season Preview Part One
Season '99

The ninety-ninth season of football on the Isle is here! How will it pan out? This is what we think here at TAX Magazine, your favourite journal for tax matters, banking, insurance, tax, investment, tax, pensions, tax and football. And tax.

TL;NGR

Title Contenders: Septentriennes, Orchideeën, Kierhuizen Boys
IFCF Challengers: Standard Lily, Deltic FC, Old Shakerssens, HPV Waallen
Best Of The Rest: Tijhuis Archimedes, ASMV St. Bernadine
Midtablemanships: FC Städeli, Boldsea FC, De Tike FC
Look Out, Fellas: St. Bernadine Football Team, Sturm Havn
Three Outta Four: Napoleon St. Bernadine, Zotteeik, OSA-Cyclista, BSSC Driessche

The Contenders

It's almost the kiss of death for a team's title hopes when we here at TAX Magazine predict who will become the next champion of the SteuerLig, but we've got to go for somebody and this year we're picking Septentriennes to defend their crown. Recruitment was modest at the title-winning team who brought in a couple of Delts to shore up the squad in Hagar Morris from FC Städeli and the impressive free-agent signing of young winger Daniel Dight from Deltic FC, while national team under-18 Philip Rynger arrived from Old Shakerssens - just over ₸x10m shillings spent doesn't represent big moves in the market. Depth is everything of course and while the average age at The Bankers is one of the lowest in the league, the amount of young stars emerging is really quite phenomenal - led of course by Tikariotian forward Tristan Featherstone and our own superteen midfielder Adam Foliot, 18. And these guys are still mostly the backups. Head coach Anaïs Aescher may have some concerns over veteran striker Georg Bardo, who missed half of last season's title win, the second major absence in three seasons for the 35-year-old, but in Featherstone and young Delt Ezra de Nage, 22, she has more than adequate support for the main man and his sidekick Rollo Heron. The Bankers will be hard to stop - and if anyone can do it, you wouldn't look past their main rival over recent seasons, Orchideeën. Adjusting to life without inspirational Polarian head coach Madars Kielman who shaped the modern Nurserymen, under new Vilitan coaching pair Sami Samiii and Reino Kononen the famous team in orange chased Septentriennes all the way last season, and they'll likely do so again. Like their rivals they are banking on the strength of the squad rather than turning to the market, although they did sign want-away left midfielder Arvik Hendriksson from Septentriennes as their only bit of business, and that's nothing to sniff at. This will be the final season for their iconic Polarian centre-half Aslak Hrafninnsson, who just announced his retirement, and they will want to go out for him and do something special. Coming up in his place is a fellow country-man, the much touted Kelvin Bisgaard-Hagen, who looks the absolute model replacement, but Aslak will still be a miss. They'll want to get the best out of him this season. Probably the third contender for the title will be a team that takes a very different approach in the transfer market - Kierhuizen Boys. They like to splash the cash every year and make all the headlines for their recruitment. Usually that's about their two famous mistakes - Ipaneman striker Tiaz and Farv keeper Custodio Reverso, nearly ₸x60m shillings worth of mistake - but less often reported is the steady overall improvement by the players who come in under the headline; in recent seasons that has been Florens Klein Stroek, Odwin Muir (CMT), Dominique Petain and Ven Pirennes (AUP). Making a Champions League appearance for the first time last season demonstrates that overall, they are getting it right even if they do have to overspend dramatically to do it. That's alright - because Taxhavn. This year they have acquired Academical's hot young Saterunian striker Aleksander Vivić and it feels like another upgrade, with a proven Lig-1 forward. And they didn't have to break the bank, by recent standards, which may be the only disappointing thing about the whole deal. Watch out for the Steelers, they could be right in the mix.

Favourite for the title: Septentriennes

The Challengers

With Orchideeën and Kierhuizen Boys expected to be right in the title mix, we ask who will win the fourth champions league spot, and who is best placed to challenge for the other three IFCF places? Lig-1, or the Solitary Soccer League as we must now call it, has gone from strength to strength in recent seasons and a considerable number of teams with cash and quality will be contending the places on offer, so it has been difficult to call for sure, even though predictions has now fallen to the Wightling supercomputer and new chief sports editor Sixteen Bits AI. SXB has an easy grasp of things that the rest of us suspect are just made up junk like xG, xA, and 6XL... I mean, really? Anyway. If anyone can sort through the fanciful data and make an accurate prediction, it surely has to be Sixteen Bits and Sixteen Bits says... it's not sure. Old Shakerssens of course have so much quality from coaching, through an all-star team, and that wild streak of stylish unpredictability. They could even tilt for the title if everything goes right on the day. Their one disadvantage is that they are still not at home - with completion of The Shakerdome still a season out, they remain in a groundshare arrangement at Jacquemeux, home of Sturm Havn, and that surely counts against them in the very fine margins of a title win. But they would be a good bet for the fourth Champions League spot, as would HPV Waallen. Two-time cup winners, they have had to contend with losing their iconic head coach to the Shakers and bringing through the next young coaching talent as is their policy. Sebastien Menager goes into his second season with The Heavies with that historic cup win under his belt as the second youngest manager in the division after Emma Town at Napoleon, and the second least experienced after Vilitan Sami Samiii at Orchideeën. The team are a great watch, bring through exciting youngsters, and have huge potential. The last two seasons they have finished a disappointing 10th despite all that, but with changes and cup runs no-one could criticise them for that. This year they will be expected to improve, and they surely will be there or thereabouts for the Challengers Cup places, if not a sneak into the Champions League. Standard Lily are another who have mixed good fortunes with poor, winning the FFL Confederations Trophy whilst underperforming in the league, but old hand Joseph Moteudi, the Indussian head coach, and wonder captain Laurent Lapix ought to deliver in the league this season for the SteuerLig's most successful side. Expect Deltic FC, Tijhuis Archimedes, De Tike FC and FC Städeli all to be in around the competition for IFCF places and with so many decent sides in contention there are sure to be a few disappointments. For a dark horse prediction, we go for newly-promoted ASMV St. Bernadine. On paper the club don't have the capacity to challenge, but you have to take into account a couple of things: Henry Lightman, for one. The once-wonderkid striker of Deltic football, who looked like he would set the world on fire and then faded like a candle in the water, is back and banging them in. He seems like a new man, and good on him. Meanwhile, for another thing, we shouldn't forget their top fan Donna Maw. First Resident of Taxhavn, an imperial position of Wight that seems to be going through a period of asserting it's colonial muscle in the Wightling Commonwealth, she is a woman of serious power and influence. Since the fabled days of Ao, when she was ambassador to Andossa Se Mitrin Vega, Donna Maw has been meddling. Some say she was the power behind Bonesea's rise to football immortality as Head of The Narrative Committee, another influential colonial role from 'the old masters' of Wight. Interesting to see her turn up at University Lane, St. Bernadine, where the Dragons play - at about the same time they started moving up the league in a cloud of controversial refereeing decisions. Just saying.

The Rest

With perennial relegation favourites Academical finally living up to their billing and dropping out of the top flight last season, TAX Magazine has to select a new victim to pick on and this year we are going for the lovely guys at BSSC Driessche. The Social, as they are called, have been mild-mannered mid-table finishers for a few seasons, improving on their long track record of a boing-boing team between top and second divisions. Under-investment over the last few seasons has seen them maintain their obscurity in the middle raft but how long can that continue with other clubs pulling out all the stops, and ambitious promoted sides determined to spend their way to safety? Even relegated Fortuna Städeli have embarrassed The Social in transfer spending, as have about a quarter of the Lig-2 teams who have spent more than BSSC in the market this season. They have prised away Dandelion Town left back Thom Tungsten, former Gnejsian world cup defender, but at 33 he might be past his best and in any case has yet to try out at top flight level. Fellow Gnejsians Georg Bardo, Hibiskus Andersson and Mikkel Bukt had no trouble adapting, but then they were in good teams. Should Thom have stayed with his team-mates at The Weeds? They'll be having good fun bashing up the Lig-2 sides while he will be in a grim relegation battle that even his presence is unlikely to staunch. Of course there is not just one relegation spot - there are three minimum, with potetially four down after play-offs, and seven teams finishing inside the relegation and play-off zones. So it won't just be The Social. We predict that second-season syndrome feel for both Zotteeik and Sturm Havn, who survived comfortably last season after promotions but could find it a little more challenging this time around; promoted ASMV as mentioned above are not likely to be tremendously bothered by what's happening at the bottom but their fellow promotees Napoleon, a well run club who should enjoy some good encounters this season, will still have to have their football wits about them to keep clear of an instant drop. We think they'll be in the fight, but should punch hard enough to survive. Perhaps not so for OSA, who like rivals, neighbours and Tikestadion co-habitants De Tike FC, consider themselves one of the biggest clubs never to dominate SteuerLig proceedings, and they wouldn't be wrong either. But whereas De Tike do seem to be doing something about that, you have to say OSA are languishing. That's right, languishing. And that puts them at risk of the drop. With so much quality now throughout this tough division, languishing will not be good enough. They have to at least be improving, like the Clockwork Orange & Blue. And one final controversial name into the relegation hat - not controversial because we've predicted it, but controversial because that is their middle name (if they even have a name): St. Bernadine Football Team, formerly Taxhavn City. The ambitious superclub, weighed down by fighting legal battles on multiple fronts, have lost their way terribly. I mean, they don't even have a proper name. While the rumour mill continues to link them with insane investment and a huge budget even by Taxhavn standards - the GDP of a country, some are suggesting - the fact is they are presently floundering. Not languishing, floundering. Amidst all this, is anyone keeping an eye on the football side of things? Pasargan star Lehel Komáromy obviously thinks not - he seems to have seen the writing on the wall and decided at the last minute to retire. Is that a sign of how bad things really are at the once-touted 'superclub'? Perhaps.

Favourites for relegation: BSSC Driessche

Welcome To The Solitary Soccer League
The Promoted Teams

A quick introduction to the two new sides in Lig-1

With the restructure down to eighteen teams in each division, only two sides got promotion this season and both have come through the divisions, at different speeds, to make their top-flight debuts. Both hailing from the capital and old stalwarts of the Southern League until quite recently, it's fair to say there is a little bit of needle between these two teams.

ASMV St. Bernadine
The Dragons

A club with one of the most unusual histories in Taxhavn football, ASMV was founded by a group of lecturers and students at the School for Multiversal Geopolitical Studies, University of St. Bernadine (USB), back in the '50s. It began as one of several inter-campus teams that would compete for the USB Stick, a ceremonial trophy awarded each season to the best athletic team in the university, across all sports. Football itself had a number of department, faculty and school teams, so ASMV was not remarkable in that sense; headed at first by Professor Basil Coloumetal, it was named after his abiding passion and key subject of a fascinating yet eccentric lecture series - the lost peoples of Andossa Se Mitrin Vega. Hence calling the team ASMV. Initially their nickname was adopted from his second favourite hobby, a comedy television show called Dorian and Sonya. Long after Professor Coloumetal had retired, the Dorians and Sonyas were still bumbling along in the collegiate circuit when in the early 70s a former Wightling diplomat to Andossa Se Mitrin Vega, Donna Maw, introduced two foreign business partners to the small club who were interested in moving it into the realm of professional football. The SteuerLig, a unified league for the whole of the island, was then only just past it's first decade, a single division, and below that was the famous Southern League. Who knows where Elaris Intevar and Aequinal Elphine really came from - they simply described themselves as 'exiles of Ao' - but the legend has it they were Vegai. They took the club into the Southern League, professionalised them, changed their nickname, and finally, after a gradual climb up to the top division, they made it into the SteuerLig's third tier expansion. The club these days is a murky affair. Owned by 'The Draggonnii Foundation', a private trust buried deep in Taxhavn's privacy and financial immunity accounting structures, Intevar and Elphine are neither named nor seen any more at the ambitious club. By contrast, Donna Maw, a season-ticket holder and the club's 'biggest fan', is the First Resident of Taxhavn - the island's de facto leader appointed by Wight in the new imperial wave of control over their vast commonwealth of the Wide Enness Ocean. Huge question marks - in private - hang over the legitimacy of ASMV's march to the top flight. A match- and transfer-fixing scandal is bubbling just under the surface. Is Donna Maw pulling all the strings for her favourite club? Do the Vegai still exist, in secret, and are they pulling Donna's strings? It's a story that could run and run - and probably will.

Napoleon St. Bernadine
The Little Generals

Under Emma Town and her Indussian partner Matias Paulsson things have been rather fun at Bonaparte Lane in recent seasons, as one of the smaller sides of the capital city have built their way concientiously up the league, and now take their bow in the top flight. A great play-off win over favourites Raven Thöni secured their place in Lig-1 behind city rivals ASMV, with whom they've contested regularly over the last few seasons as the two rising teams in the league. Last season also saw them reach the cup final, one of only two to do so as a Lig-2 team, although they were beaten in the end by repeat champions HPV Waallen. The run to the final bodes well for this season, and a well-drilled side should be competitive under the unusual arrangement of the Town-Paulson coaching couple. There may have been some sneers about this over the last few seasons and travelling fans definitely get some mileage out of it with a range of insulting songs; but generally speaking they go home silenced from the ground that The Little Generals have turned into something of a fortress. Napoleon are one the old St. Bernadine teams, and like ASMV do have a connection to historical scholars of a sort - founded in the 1890s the club was established by a Dr. Wolfgang Bitterluck, an eccentric academic and admirer of the martial capabilities of the famous mythical general of the Shambolic Tradition, or the Devils of Wight as they are often known - Napoleon Bonaparte. One of the minor characters of the pantheon of the uncanny that the Wightlings venerate, Napoleon is considered a precursor to modern day football tacticians, similar in style to The Ghost of Brian Clough, Deceased - a more prominent Devil of Wight. Naturally someone was going to adopt him as the talisman for their club, and Dr. Bitterluck was that man, when he called together a meeting of interested parties at The Josephine Arms on Cutthroat Street. Spending almost a century in the Southern League failing to live up to their old general's reputation, they finally came good in the years preceding the expansion of the SteuerLig to three divisions, and were founder members. They won promotion to the second tier immediately and have been growing in strength in that division, threatening promotion before finally achieving it this time around at the third attempt, after second and third place finishes. In Emma Town and Mathias Paulson, they have one of the most highly-rated up-and-coming coaching teams in the league.

by **Taxhavn** » Thu Feb 12, 2026 10:28 am

Season Preview - Part 2: The Squad Summaries
Star player highlighted

TL;NGR

• All the clubs
• All the kits
• All the badges
• All the players
• All the expectations
• All the odds
• Some other useful stuff, maybe

.

The Bankers
A giant of the game shedding their recent 'perennial runners-up' rep

Home Ground: Sept-Nat Stadion, St. Bernadine (capacity 48,000)
Main Rivals: Taxhavn City, FZK-Amstell, OSA Cyclista
Last five seasons: 3rd | 2nd | 3rd | 3rd | 1st

Kit Supplier: GuileTek
Home Colours: Red and white shirt, white shorts, black socks
Main Sponsor: Banque Sept-Nat

Head Coach: Anaïs Aescher, 54, 3 seasons
First XI:
Barnaby Flexney, 26
Jonas Spori, 27
Arthur Lockton, 22
Hibiskus Andersson, 31 (PUG)
Martin Ebersold, 29 [C]
Ottaviano Falco, 23
Manuel Corbelli, 30 (OSS)
Daniel Dight, 22 (DLT*)
Luis Glücki, 30
Rollo Heron, 28
Georg Bardo, 35 (PUG)

Major Signings: Hagar Morris, 26 (DLT*), ₸x6m; Daniel Dight, 22 (DLT*), free agent
Major Transfers Out: Louis D'Aupalice, 28 (AUP) ₸x2m; Andre Ringger, 23, ₸x7.4m; Arvid Hendriksen , 25 (BEO*) ₸x6m

First team squad: Nazim Ramnarine (TEQ*), Muntaga Toë (ZGA*), Xose Peredo (TEQ*), Facundo Grosso (TER), Hagar Morris (DLT*), Carsten Könneker (GOH), Ronnie Walberg (BEO*), Philip Rynger, Atreju Ringger, Jann Heinkel, Ezra de Nage (DLT*), Tristan Featherstone (TKT), Adam Foliot

Betting: 74.8 / 1st

.

The Nurserymen
Always hark back to better times and their singular nine-in-a-row title achievement

Home Ground: Plantation Field, Maartenstadt (capacity 64,800)
Main Rivals: Tijhuis Archimedes, Kierhuizen Boys, Taxhavn City
Last five seasons: 1st | 5th | 2nd | 1st | 2nd

Kit Supplier: Patch Clothing
Home Colours: All-Orange
Main Sponsor: Patch (sportswear manufacturer)

Head Coach: Sami Samiii (VIL), 39, 1 season
First XI:
Geo van Ghent, 24
Jan-Bart ten Cate, 23
V.W. Kamperman, 28
Aslak Hrafninnsson, 33 (PIS) [C]
Sal Grazioli, 26 (OSS)
Ko Horsman, 28
Arvid Hendriksen, 25 (BEO*)
Valentin Fey, 30
Maximilien Laminien, 30 (KOR)
Mark Ravelli, 24 (KSK)
Lalo Ceesay, 27 (BNJ)

Major Signings: Arvid Hendriksen, 25 (BEO), ₸x6m
Major Transfers Out: Jeroen Blenkers, 31, ₸x17m; Henry van Bloys, 29, ₸x8.3m; Arda Krumins, 33 (SRS) released

First team squad: Maerten van Ghent, Christian Roberts (INS), Joshua Tanga (ZGA*), Bernnt Graven, Kelvin Bisgaard-Hagen (PIS), Ronan Troy (SCG*), Lorin Müngers, Tommie Wilye (SLT*), Harrie Arendsen, Marco van Conincxloo, Arnold Darley, Albie Blind, Nolte Von Vilingen, Marcus Bjerre (TFS)

Betting: 71.9 / 2nd

.

The Shakers, The Removers (and, The Removers & Shakers)
Everyone loves a quirky club, and Old Shakerssens are the very embodiment of eccentric

Home Ground: Jacquemeux, Havn (capacity 22,900), temporary groundshare with Sturm Havn
Main Rivals: Schwänenclub, Standard Lily, Sturm Havn
Last five seasons: 17th | 8th | 8th | 9th | 3rd

Kit Supplier: Almirante
Home Colours: 'Slavic' burgundy & green stripe shirt, white shorts, 'Slavic' hooped socks
Main Sponsor: Shakerssen International Logistics

Head Coach: Johan Messerschmidt, 44, 1 season
First XI:
Florijs van Aysma, 30
Hans Cromwell, 27
Charley Daggersfield, 22
Gryff Gould, 28 (AUD)
Goran Yurán, 22 (AUD)
Enor Perro, 30 (DLT*) [C]
Ingvar McGill, 28 (WGT*)
Christiaan van der Riet, 32
Denzel Keegan, 28 (AUD)
Kjartan Lúnquerque, 32 (AUD)
Mikkel Bukt, 30 (PUG)

Major Signings: Elie Corporon, 19 (MUS*) ₸x9.75m; Ryan Deramount, 22, ₸x9m
Major Transfers Out: Philip Rynger, 20, ₸x4m; Matthew Warde, 27, ₸x2.25m; Soloman Bai, 29 (YZH-NYK) released

First team squad: Rätus Schoch, Sven Tanguy, Ryan Deramount, Makonnan Clare (TJU), Junior Cavatta (OSS), Mvondo Libamba (ZGA*), Xurxo Martis (TEQ*), Jodie Húlins, Ox Brambling (BSE*), Koen Maertens, Oswyn Stone, Tijs Van De Velde, Elie Corporon (MUS*)

Betting: 67.0 / 8th

.

Kozy, The Steelers
Built back from league expulsion and near oblivion, now with serious ambition

Home Ground: Staalenstadion (capacity 38,960)
Main Rivals: Orchideeën, Tijhuis Archimedes, De Tike FC
Last five seasons: (Lig-2) 7th | 1st (promoted) | (Lig-1) 9th | 11th | 4th

Kit Supplier: Patch Clothing
Home Colours: Green and white halved shirt, white shorts, green socks
Main Sponsor: Spijkerhuis (sports vehicles)

Head Coach: Nanko Kijk in 't Veld, 51, 2 seasons
First XI:
Raûl Sarmiento, 25 (TEQ*)
Florens Klein Stroek, 31
Odwin Muir, 34 (CMT) [C]
Mark Sherbourne, 30
Dominique Petain, 22
Sjaak Hallie, 25
Rai Mazzanti, 30 (TAM*)
Ven Pirennes, 20 (AUP)
Sébastien Assassiné, 23 (RRP*)
Quinten van Raalte, 21
Aleksander Vivić, 20 (SAT)

Major Signings: Aleksander Vivić, 20 (SAT) ₸x10.5m; Andre Ringger, 23, ₸x7.4m
Major Transfers Out: Custodio Reverso, 31 (FFD) ₸x9.75m; Vasil Teplov, 24 (PYA) ₸x1.5m; Ilya Tsurinov, 23 (KIM) & Kim Sang-Wook, 32 (QUE-CMT) released

First team squad: Jonni Catteau, Henric Ruiz, Sacha Olinga (ZGA*), Josif Rothacher, Vincent Schmitz, Andre Ringger, Janneken Wolfswinckel, Luijt Smit, Lars Jissink, David Buchan, Rinus van de Haar, Maerten Oudehoest, Abraham Kuusik (MPK*)

Betting: 70.8 / 3rd

.

The Exiles
Won the World Cup, the IAC, IFCF Challengers Cup & Super Cup; double SteuerLig champions...

Home Ground: de Romainring, Romainring (capacity 18,000), groundshare with VF Romainring
Main Rivals: Taxhavn City, Boldsea FC, The Wight Rovers
Last five seasons: - | 1st | 1st | 7th | 5th

Kit Supplier: Patch Clothing
Home Colours: White shirt with green & gold diagonal sash, white shorts & socks
Main Sponsor: Corn Exchange (Bank of Delte)

Head Coach: Seamus Awton (DLT*), 52, new appointment
First XI:
Felix Morgan, 32
Asa Awestorm, 30 (DLT*)
Halfdan Fuller-Kite, 22 (WGT*)
Pokey Fayle, 22 (DLT*)
Hagar Turner, 26 (DLT*)
Burus Tasher, 27 (DLT*) [C]
Alfie Alderskell, 24 (DLT*)
Christopher Shotbolt, 21
Onun Tasher, 26 (DLT*)
Gaël Belaquelo, 26 (DLT*)
Irki Mynster, 29 (DLT*)

Major Signings: Herman Kind, 18, ₸x17m; Felix Morgan, 32, ₸x6m
Major Transfers Out: Hermannus Roe, 28, ₸x18m; Heston Oarsward, 22 (DLT*) ₸x6m; Daniel Dight, 22 (DLT*) free agent

First team squad: Dan Quadhorton (DLT*), Aughran Le Rolde (DLT*), Enda Iodyne (DLT*), Cyrus Duffy (WGT*), Torus Oakwale (DLT*), Siméon Dix-Sept (RRP*), Charlie Sullenden (DLT*), Hersham Taine (DLT*), Herman Kind, Adam Gallier, David Tonsoe (DLT*), Hadrien Six, Severin Burns (DLT*)

Betting: 67.6 / 6th

.

The Pollen Counters
The most successful club of the SteuerLig era

Home Ground: Havnstadion, Havn (capacity 36,600)
Main Rivals: Raven Thöni, FC Städeli, Old Shakerssens
Last five seasons: 5th | 6th | 5th | 8th | 6th

Kit Supplier: TGT
Home Colours: Claret shirt with pink trim, claret shorts, white socks
Main Sponsor: Grimm TV

Head Coach: Joseph Moteudi (IND), 65, 1 season
First XI:
Nino Hottiger, 25
Horatio Govaerts, 27
Chad Quittman, 24 (DLT*)
Milan Lazo, 24 (TEQ*)
Raphael Kaiser, 25
Laurent Lapix, 31 (RCN) [C]
Dany Van De Velde, 22
Hadrian Cross, 23 (DLT*)
Djetson Hasle, 28 (INS)
Mere Eljas Faliri, 33 (FFD)
Ang Bao Kana, 24 (FFD)

Major Signings: Raphael Kaiser, 25, ₸x12m; Dany Van De Velde, 22, ₸x8m; Nino Hottiger, 25, ₸x6m; Alberto Giraud, 25 (SNL)
Major Transfers Out: Jon Moe, 24 (BSE*) ₸x24m; Philip Wynter, 23, ₸x4m; Almaurry Azéma, 29, released

First team squad: Ricky Tinningburst (DLT*), Jens Maertens, Emmanuel Koumare (ZGA*), John Glennon, Cian Kaur, Didrich Fúllings, Benedict Saynsbery, Jett Kane (WGT), Tobias Marley (JOV-CMT), Otto Bonney (DLT*), Rico Gage, Alberto Giraud (SNL), Klaas van Sittart

Betting: 68.7 / 4th

.

The Clockwork Orange & Blues
One of the big Oranjestadt clubs, trying to live up to their size

Home Ground: Tikestadion, Orping-Tike (capacity 41,000), groundshare with OSA-Cyclista
Main Rivals: OSA-Cyclista, Kierhuizen Boys, Tijhuis Archimedes
Last five seasons: 18th | 17th | 13th | 16th | 7th

Kit Supplier: Natty kit.
Home Colours: Blue & orange shirt, orange shorts and socks
Main Sponsor: RPO Studios (media)

Head Coach: Nino Hämmerli, 41, 1 season
First XI:
Hermannus Roe, 29
Reinout ten Cate, 27
Pascal Bah, 25 (ZGA*)
Hermannus de Hane, 22
Riko Zuazua, 30 (TEQ*)
Moses Vecchio, 28 (OSS) [C]
Henry van Bloys, 29
Quincey Casadesús, 24 (TEQ*)
Argal Carter-Huddy, 26 (BSE*)
Oliver Lontz, 26 (PIS)
Caspar Kinderman, 26 (PIS)

Major Signings: Hermannus Roe, 28, ₸x18m; Henry van Bloys, 29, ₸x8.3m; Heston Oarsward, 22 (DLT*) ₸x6m
Major Transfers Out: -

First team squad: Ji Ning (NIX), Ludo Gayle, Heston Oarsward (DLT*), Gabriel Abegglen, Paschal Klopp, Bert-Jan Tanker, Victor Verstappen, Janneken Symonsen, Stijn Wolthuis, Benjamin Xiriha (TAM*), Omar Zanhuesa (TAM*), Yaya Onana (ZGA*), Oedtsijer van der Gracht

Betting: 68.3 / 5th

.

The Frigates
A key team of the modern era, once dominant but now with added rivals

Home Ground: Städeli Arena, Städeli (capacity 52,775), groundshare with Stadler Works
Main Rivals: Taxhavn City, Standard Lily, Raven Thöni
Last five seasons: 2nd | 3rd | 6th | 2nd | 8th

Kit Supplier: Natty kit.
Home Colours: All-Red
Main Sponsor: Natty kit.

Head Coach: Magnus Rüfenacht, 55, 2 seasons
First XI:
Elterhad der-Stoiuben, 23 (EDS)
Vagn Kreitner, 26 (PIS)
Christian Holter, 26 (PIS)
Ernő Szesfi, 21 (FFD)
Töbe Aerle, 27
Benno Tschaggeny, 30
Tudor Nelmoe, 23 (DLT*)
Gennady Tikhokhod, 22 (PYA)
Zelesão, 24 (TEQ*)
Jesse Akuchi, 26 (ZGA*)
Zubi Zuberbühler, 32 [C]

Major Signings: -
Major Transfers Out: Matt Andreas, 31 (KRY) released; Henry Gérald, 24, ₸x3.3m; Hagar Morris, 26 (DLT*) ₸x6.5m

First team squad: Wulsi Huchenson, Voulo Michaux, Arpinho (IPN*), Javan Rye (WGT*), Ton Masseus, José Kintina (TJU), Sam Roddard (DLT*), Gennady Grankin (PYA), Kjell-Åke Bäckman (NRH), Maalik Cairo (CRN), Aäron Lemmens, Max Lafont (TJU), HH Stone (WGT)

Betting: 57.8 / 14th

.

The Cyclones
Looking to not get relegated again

Home Ground: Jacquemeux, Havn (capacity 22,900) currently have Old Shakerssen as sharing tenants
Main Rivals: Old Shakerssens, Schwänenclub, Fortuna Städeli
Last five seasons: 16th | 15th | 19th (relegated) | (Lig-2) 1st (promoted) | (Lig-1) 9th

Kit Supplier: TGT
Home Colours: Old gold shirt, black shorts, old gold socks
Main Sponsor: Bien & Petit (publishing)

Head Coach: Adam Ackeret, 50, 2 seasons
First XI:
Toka Harper, 27
JJ Norton, 20 (MIR)
Tristin O'Brien, 23 (USO*)
Iordan Dimov, 30 (EQA)
Raul Coatla, 27 (TEQ*)
Leonard Lugga, 24 (PDT) [C]
Adenet Calvet, 29
Elias Grohl, 29
Bozak Darbo, 32 (SRS)
Odin Gnashersson, 29 (BSE*)
Danté, 32 (TEQ*)

Major Signings: Toni Tibbert, 30, ₸x4m; Elias Grohl, 29, ₸x2.5m
Major Transfers Out: Ryan Deramount, 22, ₸x9m

First team squad: Toni Tibbert, Ulf Chanceler, Frederick Verhasselt, Nicholas Hargreve, Francis Halshan, Mathijs Maertens, Edward Ortel, Barthélémy Kuka (BOH), Gawain Stevyn, Kitso (OSS), Aslan Key, Karel Van Der Meiren, Corentin Trowe

Betting: 49.0 / 15th

.

The Diggers, The Heavies
Have unexpectedly turned into something of a force to be reckoned with

Home Ground: Waallen Arena (capacity 22,000; groundshare with Motor Waallen)
Main Rivals: Motor Waallen, FZK-Amstell, McCunnald
Last five seasons: 6th | 4th | 7th | 10th | 10th

Kit Supplier: Boxer Sports
Home Colours: Yellow shirts, black shorts, yellow socks
Main Sponsor: Heavy Products (machinery & vehicles)

Head Coach: Sébastien Menager, 39, 1 season
First XI:
Victor van Drop, 30
Nalvo Niggio, 21 (MNO*)
Nicolaas van Mol, 32
Gerard Crocus, 32
Rudy Godin, 29 (MUS*)
Ralph Bohan, 28 [C]
Vigris, 23 (TKT)
Orion Croft, 19 (TKT)
Lenart van der Molen, 25
Carloto Desmonceaux, 27 (GVN)
Vincent Baar, 26

Major Signings: Nalvo Niggio, 21 (MNO*) ₸x16m; Melchior de Keijzer, 21, ₸x14.5m
Major Transfers Out: Pascoe Mullens, 22, ₸x8m

First team squad: Melchior de Keijzer, Levi Walles (WGT*), Albertus van de Wouwere, Pasquette Le Goix (GVN), Leonides Mendez (TAM*), Saùl de Gordón (TEQ*), Jesper Snare (BEO*), Gaspar Dablijn, Oste de Wael, Aaro Isotalo (CMT), Harper de Keij, Lenard Maes, Ivo Gyll, Vivian Livesey

Betting: 62.5 / 11th

.

The Owls
Desperate to remind everyone they are as big as anyone in Taxhavn

Home Ground: Oranjestadt Arena, Oranjestadt (capacity 71,000, largest in Taxhavn)
Main Rivals: Orchideeën, Kierhuizen Boys, De Tike FC
Last five seasons: 4th | 7th | 17th | 6th | 11th

Kit Supplier: GuileTek
Home Colours: Mustard shirt, white shorts, grey socks
Main Sponsor: Tevreden (ship construction)

Head Coach: Hubie Kramer (DLT), 57, new appointment
First XI:
Morten Gallis, 29 (AUP) [C]
Alex Mills, 27 (DLT*)
Renni Boom, 34
Aenbo Aogo, 27 (KOR)
Purlie Stöckli, 27
Ermine Everkin, 26 (DLT*)
Kasper Kornhäusel, 25 (CMT)
Atso Parviainen, 25 (CMT)
Reggy van Buiten, 31
Ricky Corona, 31
Tétény Csorba, 22 (PAS)

Major Signings: Joran Skipper, 20, ₸x12m; Pascoe Mullens, 22, ₸x8m; Atso Parviainen, 25 (CMT) ₸x4m; Freddie Von Horgen, 18, free agent
Major Transfers Out: Nalvo Niggio, 21 (MNO*) ₸x16m; Davie Wiltshire, 22 (TKT) ₸x2m; Lavrean Hessenford, 26 (BSE*) ₸x3.6m

First team squad: Hendrik-Jan Haas, Manuel Irminger, Pascoe Mullens, Sampson Cantilupe, Freddie Von Horgen, Turk Alleviain (WGT*), Adryaen Wijts, Omar Gartuzzi (MNO*), Martin Edgcombe (RSG*), Tiberien Bruta-Apollonoux (AUP), Joran Skipper, Benjamin Löf (NRH), Polve Endotta (MNO*)

Betting: 67.4 / 7th

.

The Triple-A
The superclub project - should be unstoppable, completely directionless

Home Ground: The Athletic Ground, St. Bernadine (capacity 62,000)
Main Rivals: Deltic FC, Septentriennes, FC Städeli
Last five seasons: - | 12th | 4th | 4th | 12th

Kit Supplier: Boxer Sports
Home Colours: Navy blue shirt, navy shorts, white socks
Main Sponsor: Grupo Taxhavn

Head Coach: Davey Tinnalt (DLT), 48, new appointment
First XI:
Kett Harte, 23
Ilhicamina, 27 (TEQ*)
Evela-Gavax Den, 26 (BRH-QUS)
Sebastian Åberg, 24 (CMT)
Isaac de Wale, 25 [C]
Archie Ruggles-Pompey Jr., 24 (WGT*)
Aryaen Gallier, 27
Flotilla Gaudin, 24 (EFL)
Harri Kass, 25 (MPK*)
Szilárd Forde, 24 (EFL)
Tupu Hau Tapine, 28 (TJU)

Major Signings: KL MacIlland, 27 (BSE*) ₸x5.75m
Major Transfers Out: Denis Olabarria, 28 (ASG) free agent

First team squad: Swain Cardiff, Pirmin Hardmeier, Jurrijn op Sonnebeld, Bala Keita (ZEN*), Toltecatl (TEQ*), Nathaniel Stone , Dan Elda (DLT*), KL MacIlland (BSE*), Hans Hengst, Oswyn Hakebourne, Nigel Avery, Teemu Karelyi (SRS), Ruven Von Mühlenen

Betting: 61.9 / 13th

.

The Social
It would be unfair, but not inaccurate, to call them 'boring'

Home Ground: Axis Arena (26,500) groundshare with Axis Driessche
Main Rivals: Axis Driessche, 1860 Delénacht
Last five seasons: (Lig-2) 3rd | 6th (promoted via play-offs) | (Lig-1) 10th | 14th | 13th

Kit Supplier: TGT
Home Colours: Red shirt with white sleeves, white shorts, red & white hooped socks
Main Sponsor: Beath Industrial

Head Coach: Jon Dewulf, 50, 2 seasons
First XI:
Berg Jon Reynaldsson, 30 (BSE*)
Thom Tungsten, 33 (PUG)
Arijen Clusius, 29
Tarmo Viiding, 34 (MPK*) [C]
Silas St Kew, 25 (WGT*)
Gabriel Leal, 23 (SNL)
Issaka Guindo, 26 (ZGA*)
Accoleius Stubbe, 22 (WGT*)
Eivind Krabbs, 22 (BSE*)
Philip Wynter, 23
Quaninton, 34 (IPN*)

Major Signings: Philip Wynter, 23, ₸x4m; Eivind Krabbs, 22 (BSE*) ₸x1.8m; Thom Tungsten, 33 (PUG) ₸x1.2m
Major Transfers Out: -

First team squad: Roland Weiss, Henneke Sÿtzen, Alexander Mahieu, Jean-Luc Theisen, Drew Foltzen, Loïc Matthieu (MUS*), Lassana Bouaré (ZGA*), Pawel Spiessmacher, Ferdinand Thimmesch, Tileke Michels, Henri Muller, Danal (IPN*), Patrick Heinen

Betting: 32.7 / 18th

.

Eeek!
Looking to not get relegated again

Home Ground: Zottpark, Zuiden (capacity 12,800)
Main Rivals: Torpedo Tijhuis, AZ Exloërveen, AZ-Tjaart 54
Last five seasons: (Lig-2) 14th | 16th | 11th | 4th (promoted) | (Lig-1) 14th

Kit Supplier: Boxer Sports
Home Colours: Violet shirt with black and white sash, violet shorts and socks
Main Sponsor: Zurflüh (hardware merchants)

Head Coach: Denig Regnault (OAM), 49, 2 seasons
First XI:
Kevin Michaelangelo, 24 (CMT)
Henk Schutte, 27
Dierck Lier, 25
Jurrian van den Barg, 35 [C]
Quincy Lindsey, 22 (VFT)
Darko Tonel, 35 (SRS)
Klaas van Sittart, 26
Ragnar Kross, 35 (MPK*)
Jonny Larsson, 24 (CMT)
Pablo Roâ, 33 (TEQ*)
Pat Knevynton, 22

Major Signings: Pat Knevynton, 22, ₸x2.2m; Huub Wolvenne, 27, & Pablo Roâ , 33 (TEQ*) free agents
Major Transfers Out: Nan Smit, 23, ₸x2.6m; Felix Morgan, 32, ₸x6m

First team squad: Huub Wolvenne, Geerardt van Steelandt, Giles Bowther, Adriaen Baert, Florent Chausson, Martinus Hinckaert, Zijbrant van de Warcke, Andrae Kocher, Felipinho (IPN*), Leonardo Wölfli, Lartanis te'Mandiachis (KNZ), Rolf Brecknock, Caddy Laws (WGT*), Isak Eberhard

Betting: 39.3 / 16th

.

The Bonesmen
A franchise team that are underperforming - they have deep links to the home country; should help.

Home Ground: Curlew Park, von Arnold Island (capacity 41,875)
Main Rivals: The Wight Rovers, Taxhavn City, Deltic FC
Last five seasons: - | - | - | 5th | 15th

Kit Supplier: Boxer Sports
Home Colours: Cream & black striped shirt, cream shorts, black socks
Main Sponsor: Curlew Inc. (ship builders)

Head Coach: Irin Kelly (WGT), 54, new appointment
First XI:
Jon Moe, 24 (BSE*)
Scala Foundry, 30 (BSE*)
Eufemio La Franchi, 31 (CMT)
Jan Lazoe, 21
Eric Ongaro, 35 (TKT) [C]
Colan Avocet, 25 (BSE*)
Eindridd Bodensson, 24 (BSE*)
Saito Maki, 25 (QUE)
Sen Aix-Chaglau, 28 (AUP)
Jeroen Blenkers, 31
Merewin Barker, 29

Major Signings: Jon Moe, 24 (BSE*) ₸x24m; Jeroen Blenkers, 31, ₸x17m; Alfred Paris, 20 (MUS*) ₸x6m; Hans Striker, 22, ₸x4.75m
Major Transfers Out: KL MacIlland, 27 (BSE*) ₸x5.75m; Pablo Roâ, 33 (TEQ*) free agent

First team squad: Thijs Nijen Haas, Telamon Hellesveor (BSE*), Oscar Boston-Coxford (BSE*), Hugh Radley, Aiden Fonston (BSE*), Rogier van der Brugge, Rubén Tejerina (TER), Conor Lightman (BSE*), Alfred Paris (MUS*), Vince De Mulder, Arno Kelman, Mamoutou Ly (ZGA*), Hans Striker, Arthur De Saint-Pierre, Christiaan Scholte Meijerink

Betting: 66.5 / 9th

.

The Rifles, The Bikes
A bit up and down in, like, forever. Hoping to be more up than down these days.

Home Ground: Tikestadion, Orping-Tike (capacity 41,000), groundshare with De Tike FC
Main Rivals: De Tike FC, FZK-Amstell
Last five seasons: 19th (relegated) | 3rd | 1st (promoted) | (Lig-1) 15th | 16th

Kit Supplier: GuileTek
Home Colours: Silver shirt, white shorts, blue socks
Main Sponsor: Orping Small Arms (OSA)

Head Coach: Nelo Holzer, 57, new appointment
First XI:
Francisco Flores, 32 (TFS)
Oslõ, 27 (IPN*)
Cors Davison, 27
Diedrich Billing, 21
Almaurry Azéma, 29 [C]
Sebastian Ortmark, 22 (NRH)
Martin Rodenberg, 24 (CMT)
Lambert Arsenault, 30
Martin Rodenberg, 24 (CMT)
Strato Levan Wickett, 31 (BSE*)
Lavrean Hessenford, 26 (BSE*)

Major Signings: Lavrean Hessenford, 26 (BSE*); Almaurry Azéma, 29, free agent
Major Transfers Out: -

First team squad: Guy Sentinel (WGT*), Peeter van Nispen, Robbert Berentsen, Arseny Tkachenko (PYA), Soizic Restault (GVA), Désiré Bourseiller, Nout Klein Izak, Anthony Smoddies, Salomon van Dornhoven, Queash Sorden (DLT*), Alassane Dagnon (ZGA*), Durgan Hawfinch (BSE*), Jovin Eichenberger

Betting: 39.0 / 17th

.

The Dragons
Powerful backers - perhaps too powerful?

Home Ground: University Lane, St. Bernadine (capacity 12,700)
Main Rivals: Napoleon St. Bernadine, The Wight Rovers
Last five seasons: (Southern League) 2nd (promoted) | (Lig-3) 4th | 6th | 1st (promoted) | (Lig-2) 1st (promoted)

Kit Supplier: Natty kit.
Home Colours: Blue and yellow striped shirt, white shorts and socks
Main Sponsor: Sixteen Bits (Computing)

Head Coach: Nico Summerfield, 41, 6 seasons (longest-standing in Lig-1)
First XI:
Umé Alenaggo, 29 (MNO*)
Antoine van der Speeten, 30
Jaecop Vossius, 24
Filip Malek, 34 (CGS)
Natanaël Bartelot, 23
Coemen van Jongema, 28
Pierre Harpe, 30
Vichamaux Ordaux, 19 (AUP)
Nan Smit, 23
Henry Lightman, 26 (DLT*)
Asbjorn Kristófferson, 25 (CMT) [C]

Major Signings: Umé Alenaggo, 29 (MNO*) ₸x4.4m; Nan Smit, 23, ₸x2.6m; Asbjorn Kristófferson, 25 (CMT) ₸x2m; Rogelio Carreón, 24 (IPF) free agent
Major Transfers Out: Elias Grohl, 29, ₸x2.5m; Huub Wolvenne, 27, free agent

First team squad: Dominique De Saint-Pierre, Aergen Garijn, Nils Rothman, Gaston Maurice, Deveral Brumley (WGT*), Naud Jaeger-Leeche, Arne Vandamme, Rémy Shock, Tuan Riker, Quentin Cazal, Rogelio Carreón (IPF), Henri Pellerin (MUS*), Guieffroy Girard, Émile Genet

Betting: 66.2 / 10th

.

The Little Generals
Taxhavn's best run club?

Home Ground: Bonaparte Lane, Solomon, St. Bernadine (capacity 19,955)
Main Rivals: ASMV St. Bernadine, Five Star St. Bernadine, Solomon Rooks
Last five seasons: (Southern League) 1st (promoted) | (Lig-3) 2nd (promoted) | (Lig-2) 2nd | 3rd | 2nd (promoted)

Kit Supplier: Boxer Sports
Home Colours: Navy blue shirt, white shorts, red socks
Main Sponsor: Boulangerie Nationale

Head Coach: Emma Town, 38, 5 seasons
First XI:
Lenny Skjeggestad, 34 (SGD)
Jonas Hahnemann, 25 (CMT)
Klaas-Jan Rechterschot, 32
Henry Gérald, 24
Finn Kammerer, 34
Nils Schneider, 27
Mart-jan Woker, 29 [C]
Nicky Waterman, 33
Uxio Mazatl, 35 (TEQ*)
Tonnies Hollen, 26
Jurren Koordes, 24 (CMT)

Major Signings: Henry Gérald, 24, ₸x3.3m; Lenny Skjeggestad, 34 (SGD) free agent
Major Transfers Out: -

First team squad: Jan-Douwe Schoppe, Bartollt Meÿe, Nathanyell Pencuke-Rugby, Simone Imbach, Simon Doisneau, Anton Olde Meijerink, Hamo Auldyngton, Orlando Duke, Théo Saunier-Shipwash, Björn Sundelin (NRH), Wark Oddny (DLT*), Edwin Collier (QZX), Aaron van Eycxx

Betting: 62.2 / 12th

The Wide Enness Ocean
The key to Wightling puppetry[/size]
* Nationalities marked with an asterisk are part of the Wightling Commonwealth:

AAN  Aaan              HUI  Huaite             NYY  Namayyan                   SOY  Soyo
AUR  Auronne           HVM  Hvammstang         OSM  Osmania                    TAM  Tamarindia
BBS  Barbary Salé      IDM  Íle de Martín      PLV  Palava                     TEQ  Tequilo
BEO  Beomark           IPN  Ipanema            POI  Poix                       TRQ  Terraque
BOH  Bohobe            JLA  Jelah              PSI  Portsea & Spice Islands    URQ  Uraqq		
BSE  Bonesea           KKA  Kukalaya           RRP  République Rivière         USO  Usorno		
CMU  Chímu             MAK  Makongo            RSG  Royal Saxe-Gotha           WGT  Wight	
COS  Costelloa         MNO  Monozygotia        RXX  Rosicruxxia                XIN  Xindao	
CRN  Cernan            MPK  Malproksimen       SCG  Scéalta Grinn              ZGA  Zenega	 
DLT  Delte             MUS  Mustardy           SCY  Scythia                    ZZR  Zykotik Zoviet Republicz	
HSP  Hispanola         NIB  Nibelunga          SLT  Saltern Island		

OOC  The Wightling Commonwealth, of which Taxhavn is also a member, is the commonwealth of Wightling puppets.
OBV.

by **Taxhavn** » Fri Feb 13, 2026 9:23 am

SteuerLig-99
Part 1/4: A New Season & The Smell Of Fresh Grass On A Sunny Afternoon

And we are underway! Septentriennes travel to HPV Waallen in the newly-named Tachyon Super Cup tie between last season's cup winner and the reigning league champion for the first bit of silverware of the season. And then all the hard work in the off-season begins to pay off - or not - as our seventy-two SteuerLig teams commence battle for soccer supremacy on the Isle of Taxhavn, population 23.399 million and counting.

In Others Words
The Anger Mismanagement Podcast

Cheeky chappy former Boldsea FC head coach and resident Solitary Soccer League observational comic Mosey Ackanard goes head-to-head with Septentriennes' Gnejsian superstriker and football philosopher Georg Bardo in the most-anticipated double-act of the season.

'At any given corner the feeling of absurdity can strike any man in the face.'

- Mosey Ackanard, the Spittalninny Bonesman (that is to say, Man of Spittals, the cutlural heart and capital of Bonesea) with the wit and the wisdom to match his football heritage expresses his doubts about Septentriennes' perceived over-reliance on set pieces for scoring goals, following Georg Bardo's famous hatrick from corner kicks in the 5-3 win over OSA.

«Every corner has its angle, if you know where to look»

- Georg Bardo, the title-winning marksman and ex-pat resident of St. Bernadine City, co-owner of Dandelion Town FC and all-round absurdist thinker responds to Mosey with a reminder that only one of the goals was a deflection off OSA centre-half Diedrich Billing's face, while two were perfect placements over leaping defenders into the keeper's far top corner of the goal. Or was it a diffusion of Mosey's criticism? Or was he simply defending the lagom, as they say in the Bardo household, of Septentriennes' set piece artistry - the right amount, at the right time, for the right purpose; never in excess. You can never be sure, with Georg.

The Old Man Of The League
Harrie Arendsen, Orchideeën

A study in grey and silver

I've been meaning for some time to start a series on the great veterans of the SteuerLig, a place where old donkeys famously go for one last canter around the paddock; and with Harrie Arendsen, 41, announcing his retirement from the game at the end of this season, now seems like an important time to commemorate a one-club battler who has seen it all and, frankly, won most of it, too. Presently he's not the oldest man in the whole league - that honour goes to Gerrit de Meulenaer, 44, at FZK - but he is the oldest listed player in Lig-1, or the Solitary Soccer League as I'm supposed to call it now. What makes old Harrie quite unique in the modern game is that after all this time, he is still a one-club man, having come through the youth ranks at Orchideeën. The right-sided midfielder played his first senior games - can you believe it? - before they had even invented the IFCF; he remembers watching UICA champions league games as an apprentice. Making his debut in '74 by the Standard UICA calendar at the tender age of sixteen, he played alongside some of those mid-Seventies legends like Théo van Kestrel, Aäron Spelt, the mighty Dolf Polder and of course Tlaquetzin Ixicos - 'The Tequiloan Terror', the winger with 'three left feet'. (I'll have to do a whole article on him another time - [makes note: new feature - Legends of the Golden Age]). Indeed Harrie often cites Ixicos as his own personal footballing hero and his best mentor. Though a very different type of player (nobody was the same type of player as Ixicos), they were both right midfielders and Harrie was lined up as the Tequiloan Terror's replacement as the latter got older and considered a return to the home country.

Harrie was 18 and the established back-up to Ixicos when Orchideeën won their first SteuerLig title in '76, after two consecutive runners-up spots. The Nurserymen, the all-time most successful club of the OranjeLig in the old days of the regional leagues, had failed to emulate their dominance in the first decade of the new national competition, the SteuerLig - even though the league really had been set up specifically to pitch the mighty Orchideeën against southern royalty in the Triple-A, St. Bernadine's Athletic, Accountants and Amateur teams. But finally, it seemed, the men in orange were beginning to assert themselves when team captain Théo van Kestrel lifted the SteuerLig trophy at a packed Plantation Field at the end of the '76 season. In fact, deadly northern rivals Tijhuis Archimedes took the title off them the following season, and then began the rise and rise of Standard Lily - that fabulous Orchideeën side managed only one second place finish behind Lily in '79, and was largely broken up by the time of the great disgrace - when Orchideeën, along with Archimedes, Kierhuizen Boys and De Tike FC were banned from the top flight in '83 for five years for their part in the 'Orange Referee' corruption scandal. Many of the team's best players moved on to stay in Lig-1, while the greats retired. But Harrie was just coming into his own - he was 25 and the first choice right midfielder when the club were forcibly relegated, and opted to stay with the club where he had grown up - instantly winning legend status with the fans.

Nowadays, of course, fifteen years later, the club are in what many consider their third golden age - the 40s being the first era (did anyone ever tell you they won nine in a row? - of course they did), that 70s team being the second era (even though it was restricted to one title and ended in disgrace) and now, of course, in the late 90s - two league titles, one Cup win, a record three Super Cup wins, and an FFI League of Victors all in the last five seasons. And all with Harrie Arendsen playing a key role. From when he took over from Tlaquetzin Ixicos as first choice winger, aged 21, he held that job down all the way through the fall and rise of Orchideeën, only to be displaced in the last couple of seasons by the 'Taxhavnite GOAT', World Cup winner and SteuerLig's most expensive domestic signing, Valentin Fey. Even then, he held down a place for a while, making Fey work to get in the squad, and is cited by Fey as his mentor, in much the same way Ixicos what Harrie's. That's a two-decade reign on the right wing, and he may hold the record for the longest gap between two title medals for the same club - 18 years.

HPV Waallen 2–2 Septentriennes (4-3 pen.)
Bohan 16', Desmonceaux 90+2' | Heron 12', Crocus (OG) 78'

Waallenstadion, Waallen

The cup winners and league champions fought out a draw in the regulation 90-minutes plus stoppage time of the opening Solitary Soccer League match of the season, while the cup winners narrowly won the Tachyon Super Cars Cup Shootout(™) on the third occasion this game has gone to penalties. The Heavies also win the Super Cup for the first time, having been well beaten at home last season by Orchideeën. As a league match-up of two fancied teams it certainly had bite and entertainment, starting with new Septentriennes signing Daniel Dight lasting all of two minutes on his debut - getting two yellow cards, the first before the match had even kicked off with something said to the opposition line-up in the tunnel, although he later claimed he was talking to team-mate Georg Bardo about the quality of his recent sourdough baking attempts. Riled by what he saw as an unfair booking, he immediately went out straight after kickoff and kicked opposing winger Vigris, the young Tikario, up in the air for which he received a second caution and his marching orders, leaving the Bankers to play more or less the whole game with ten men, while statisticians went off to see if they could find a quicker double-booking in SteuerLig history*. The differential did not seem to overly disadvantage the visitors, who had more or less equal possession, slightly less chances, and slightly more chances on target, whilst also being significantly more successful with less passes. They took the lead twice in the game, the first time after only twelve minutes when sub Philip Rynger, on in a tactical switch after the dismissal, played in Rollo Heron who doesn't often miss with free shots in the box. Heavies captain Ralph Bohan equalised four minutes later, assisted by Lenart van der Molen, and while chances came and went at both ends, the game calmed down after a frantic first quarter of an hour, and the sides went in level at the break.

The second half saw much the same fare, but with Septentriennes tiring late on, it looked like only one team was going to win this and it wouldn't be the visitors. But what do I know? With 12 minutes remaining, Heavies defender Gerard Crocus, dallying on the ball and put under pressure by Georg Bardo, turned and passed back to his keeper Victor van Drop - who wasn't where Crocus expected him to be. In an excruciating mistake, the defender passed the ball into the back of his own net. The advantage was once again with the visitors, but once again it did not last long. This time Georg Bardo turned villain himself - having been booked for an overzealous celebration of Crocus' poor spatial awareness, he lofted a dead ball high into the stands at the Waallenstadion in the 86th minute to run down the clock - and got his second booking for time-wasting. Off he went, complaining bitterly to disguise his own poor judgement that had left his side down to nine men. They couldn't hang on as HPV coach Sebastien Menager sent on two forwards - his teenage prodigies Lenard Maes and Ivo Gyll - to harass the Bankers back line, and the tactic worked, allowing talisman Carloto Desmonceaux to sneak in with an injury time equaliser. That was the end of regulation football, with only penalties to decide the Super Cup champion - and the Bankers without Bardo or the substituted Rollo Heron. Ezra de Nage and Ottaviano Falco both missed for Septentriennes, while the teenage lads Maes and Gyll, as well as Desmonceaux and the brave Gerard Crocus, making up for that lapse in concentration, all successfully stroked home their kicks to win the cup for HPV.

Player of the match: Rollo Heron (Septentriennes)

[*]In season '68, just over thirty years ago, Axel Kemp of HKB got two bookings inside one minute - and he didn't even start with a fight in the tunnel. He committed an encroachment foul against FC Städeli by entering the centre circle before the ref had whisteld for kick-off; the ref restarted, but Kemp did it a second time and earned a booking for his over-eagerness. He then allegedly called the official something along the lines of an 'over-officious ninnyhammer' and was yellow carded for a second time, earning a red. However, officially it doesn't count toward the record, as he then proceeded to berate the ref further with a single, most cutting variable verb-adjective-noun multidisciplinary insult, and his second yellow was upgraded to a straight red card. So technically, Daniel Dight might just retain the record for fastest to two yellow cards and a red (one minute nineteen seconds), whilst Kemp had four cards flashed in one minute eight seconds, but with only two of them standing on the record.

Did Somebody Say 'Takeaway'?
Five Things We Learned In Rounds 1-10

What a start!

We Have A Contender - eight wins and unbeaten in the opening ten rounds of the new Solitary Soccer League, Kierhuizen Boys have come storming out of the blocks to open an eight point lead at the top. New signing Aleksander Vivić, the 20-year old Saterunian striker, has been sensational so far alongside a couple home products in Quinten van Raalte, 21, and Rinus van de Haar, 22. We could have a new champion this year.

Lilies Wilting - Standard Lily have been off the pace for a couple of seasons now but this year has been something else: their worst start since the SteuerLig began, with only one win in ten games. Reçeuçn national team midfielder Laurent Lapix arrived back late from the IAC with a hangover after his Reçeuçn team won the delayed final, but other than that, there can be no excuses.

Best Of The Rest - Septentriennes, the reigning champions, are off to a solid start but with The Steelers racing away as they have, it's more a case of being in the chasing pack at this stage. They've had to do without first choice keeper Barnaby Flexney, arriving back injured from Taxhavn's national team in the IAC shambles, and that may have been the difference. He's back now, so they will hope to kick on.

Are Refs Supporting ASMV? - that was the question for the start of the season as the club supported by the First Resident of Wight and de facto leader of Taxhavn, Donna Maw, have climbed to the top flight on the back of a raft of complaints and the sniff of corruption. ASMV have had a good start in the league but so far, nobody has suggested RAD - the Remotely-Aided Discipline system - has been anything but it's usual unreliable and chaotic self in the Dragons' games.

Heavy Lifting - After two consecutive Tax Cup titles, HPV were predicted to have a good season in the league again, and so far, so good. They won the Tachyon Super Cup for the first time, their third trophy in three seasons, and have started strongly in the league to find themselves in second place behind all-conquering Kierhuizen Boys. Highlights will have been big wins over Sturm Havn (6-1) and Orchideeën (4-1); while a satisfying 3-2 home win over rivals Old Shakerssens will live long in the memory of Heavies fans.


   Solitary Soccer League       Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD    Win %    Win %   Pts  
 1 Kierhuizen Boys               10    8   2   0    26   11  +15    0.900    0.800    26
 2 HPV Waallen                   10    5   3   2    29   19  +10    0.650    0.500    18
 3 Boldsea FC                    10    5   3   2    26   18   +8    0.650    0.500    18
 4 Septentriennes                10    5   3   2    26   23   +3    0.650    0.500    18
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
 5 FC Städeli                    10    5   2   3    21   16   +5    0.600    0.500    17
 6 ASMV St. Bernadine            10    5   1   4    29   23   +6    0.550    0.500    16
 7 Deltic FC                     10    5   1   4    28   21   +7    0.550    0.500    16
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
 8 De Tike FC                    10    4   4   2    16   15   +1    0.600    0.400    16
 9 Old Shakerssens               10    4   3   3    23   17   +6    0.550    0.400    15
10 BSSC Driessche                10    4   2   4    22   26   −4    0.500    0.400    14
11 Napoleon St. Bernadine        10    4   1   5    25   26   −1    0.450    0.400    13
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
12 Tijhuis Archimedes            10    4   1   5    20   23   −3    0.450    0.400    13
13 Orchideeën                    10    3   4   3    24   28   −4    0.500    0.300    13
14 St. Bernadine Football Team   10    3   1   6    20   24   −4    0.350    0.300    10
15 OSA-Cyclista                  10    2   2   6    14   29  −15    0.300    0.200     8 
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
16 Standard Lily                 10    1   5   4    21   28   −7    0.350    0.100     8
17 Zotteeik                      10    2   1   7    17   26   −9    0.250    0.200     7
18 Sturm Havn                    10    1   1   8    21   35  −14    0.150    0.100     4

Match of the round highlighted

Round-1

SuperPokal
                HPV Waallen 2–2 Septentriennes (4-3 pen.)

Solitary Soccer League   
                 FC Städeli 5–2 De Tike FC
              Standard Lily 0–0 Tijhuis Archimedes
     Napoleon St. Bernadine 1–3 Deltic FC
             BSSC Driessche 0–1 OSA-Cyclista
                 Sturm Havn 1–4 Zotteeik
                 Boldsea FC 3–2 ASMV St. Bernadine
            Old Shakerssens 5–2 St. Bernadine Football Team
            Kierhuizen Boys 3–3 Orchideeën

Round-2
             Septentriennes 4–3 Orchideeën
St. Bernadine Football Team 1–3 Kierhuizen Boys
         ASMV St. Bernadine 1–0 Old Shakerssens
                   Zotteeik 2–2 Boldsea FC
               OSA-Cyclista 4–3 Sturm Havn
                  Deltic FC 5–2 BSSC Driessche
         Tijhuis Archimedes 3–4 Napoleon St. Bernadine
                 De Tike FC 1–2 Standard Lily
                HPV Waallen 2–3 FC Städeli

Round-3
                 FC Städeli 0–0 Septentriennes
              Standard Lily 1–3 HPV Waallen
     Napoleon St. Bernadine 2–2 De Tike FC
             BSSC Driessche 3–2 Tijhuis Archimedes
                 Sturm Havn 1–3 Deltic FC
                 Boldsea FC 4–0 OSA-Cyclista
            Old Shakerssens 5–2 Zotteeik
            Kierhuizen Boys 3–1 ASMV St. Bernadine
                 Orchideeën 2–2 St. Bernadine Football Team

Round-4
             Septentriennes 2–1 St. Bernadine Football Team
         ASMV St. Bernadine 7–3 Orchideeën
                   Zotteeik 0–1 Kierhuizen Boys
               OSA-Cyclista 3–3 Old Shakerssens
                  Deltic FC 1–0 Boldsea FC
         Tijhuis Archimedes 5–3 Sturm Havn
                 De Tike FC 3–1 BSSC Driessche
                HPV Waallen 3–2 Napoleon St. Bernadine
                 FC Städeli 3–1 Standard Lily

Round-5
              Standard Lily 3–3 Septentriennes
     Napoleon St. Bernadine 0–1 FC Städeli
             BSSC Driessche 2–2 HPV Waallen
                 Sturm Havn 1–2 De Tike FC
                 Boldsea FC 2–3 Tijhuis Archimedes
            Old Shakerssens 3–2 Deltic FC
            Kierhuizen Boys 4–0 OSA-Cyclista
                 Orchideeën 3–1 Zotteeik
St. Bernadine Football Team 2–4 ASMV St. Bernadine

Round-6
             Septentriennes 4–3 ASMV St. Bernadine
                   Zotteeik 2–4 St. Bernadine Football Team
               OSA-Cyclista 2–2 Orchideeën
                  Deltic FC 2–3 Kierhuizen Boys
         Tijhuis Archimedes 1–3 Old Shakerssens
                 De Tike FC 2–2 Boldsea FC
                HPV Waallen 6–1 Sturm Havn
                 FC Städeli 4–5 BSSC Driessche
              Standard Lily 4–5 Napoleon St. Bernadine

Round-7
     Napoleon St. Bernadine 3–1 Septentriennes
             BSSC Driessche 2–2 Standard Lily
                 Sturm Havn 0–1 FC Städeli
                 Boldsea FC 2–2 HPV Waallen
            Old Shakerssens 0–1 De Tike FC
            Kierhuizen Boys 4–1 Tijhuis Archimedes
                 Orchideeën 5–4 Deltic FC
St. Bernadine Football Team 3–1 OSA-Cyclista
         ASMV St. Bernadine 3–2 Zotteeik

Round-8
             Septentriennes 3–2 Zotteeik
               OSA-Cyclista 0–3 ASMV St. Bernadine
                  Deltic FC 1–3 St. Bernadine Football Team
         Tijhuis Archimedes 0–1 Orchideeën
                 De Tike FC 0–0 Kierhuizen Boys
                HPV Waallen 3–2 Old Shakerssens
                 FC Städeli 2–3 Boldsea FC
              Standard Lily 4–4 Sturm Havn
     Napoleon St. Bernadine 4–1 BSSC Driessche

Round-9
             BSSC Driessche 3–2 Septentriennes
                 Sturm Havn 6–3 Napoleon St. Bernadine
                 Boldsea FC 6–3 Standard Lily
            Old Shakerssens 1–1 FC Städeli
            Kierhuizen Boys 3–2 HPV Waallen
                 Orchideeën 1–1 De Tike FC
St. Bernadine Football Team 1–2 Tijhuis Archimedes
         ASMV St. Bernadine 3–3 Deltic FC
                   Zotteeik 2–0 OSA-Cyclista

Round-10
             Septentriennes 5–3 OSA-Cyclista
                  Deltic FC 4–0 Zotteeik
         Tijhuis Archimedes 3–2 ASMV St. Bernadine
                 De Tike FC 2–1 St. Bernadine Football Team
                HPV Waallen 4–1 Orchideeën
                 FC Städeli 1–2 Kierhuizen Boys
              Standard Lily 1–1 Old Shakerssens
     Napoleon St. Bernadine 1–2 Boldsea FC
             BSSC Driessche 3–1 Sturm Havn

Golden Balls
Raûl Sarmiento, Kierhuizen Boys

Sticky Gloves

The Tamarindian goalkeeper is really leaning into his disgruntlement at being displaced last season - albeit disastrously and briefly - by SteuerLig record signing Custodio Reverso. Having signed only the season before, and not cheaply at ₸x11-million shillings, Raûl surely was not expecting to lose his place so quickly, given he'd be named in the foreign team of the year in his first season at the club. Once the reality of Custodio's ill-preparedness for Lig-1 life became apparent and he was shipped of on loan to Zotteeik, Raûl was awkwardly restored to the number one spot and had an excellent season as the Boys qualified for the Champions League. He's leading from the back again this time around, as the unbeaten side from Portugaal district open up an astonishing early lead at the top of the table, conceding only 11 in 10 games which, in an all-out attacking division, is considerably ahead of his nearest rivals. A natural leader and not shy about castigating the powers-that-be for thinking he could be so easily dropped, he's enjoying demonstrating just why he counts as the most successful bit of business in the Steelers recent machine-gun approach to transfer spending and recruitment.

IFCF Preliminary Rounds

The 25th IFCF Champions League
For the second consecutive season, Taxhavn clubs have proved vulnerable, disappointing and downright shabby at the preliminary stage of the season, once again losing most positions across the senior tournaments with only the automatic group qualifiers Septentriennes and Orchideeën left standing in the Champions League. Kierhuizen Boys drop immediately into the Challengers Cup after a straight-sets defeat to Lodgers Olympia FC, and while Old Shakerssens then went on to eliminate the same team in the next round, they could not get past mighty Herzegovina City FC in the play-off round.

Second qualifying round
(TAX)                   Kierhuizen Boys    2–4    Olympia FC                        (EFL)   1–2   1–2

Third qualifying round
(TAX)                   Old Shakerssens    3–1    Olympia FC                        (EFL)   3–1   0–0

Playoff round
(TAX)                   Old Shakerssens    2–3    Herzegovina City FC               (BNJ)   0–1   2–2 

Group stage participants: Septentriennes & Orchideeën

The 25th IFCF Challengers Cup
Kierhuizen Boys can congratulate themselves on being the only team to win through into a group stage from the preliminaries, even if they did drop a level - wins over Pegasus, Axmund City and an impressive play-off victory over FC Felsenkirchen 1879 means they will join Deltic and Standard in the Challenger's Cup group. For De Tike FC it was an ignominious early exit after a thrashing at Melperk SV, while Old Shakerssens at least get the Associations Trophy group after going down to another giant, Pasargans Stein-los Turkish, in the Challengers Cup play-off.

Third qualifying round
(HIN)          Pegasus-Imagine Tobukoku    2–3    Kierhuizen Boys                   (TAX)   1–2   1–1
(CGS)                        Melperk SV    4–0    De Tike FC                        (TAX)   4–0   0–0 

Fourth qualifying round
(KAT)                       Axmund City    2–3    Kierhuizen Boys                   (TAX)   1–2   1–1

Playoff round
(TAX)                   Kierhuizen Boys    3–2    FC Felsenkirchen 1879             (STL)   1–2   2–0
(TAX)                   Old Shakerssens    1–5    Stein-los Turkish                 (PAS)   0–3   1–2

Group stage participants: Deltic FC, Standard Lily, Kierhuizen Boys
Association Trophy teams: Old Shakerssens

The 25th IFCF Liga B Champions Trophy
It was better news in the second tier tournament where rivals ASMV and Napoleon both progressed into the Liga B group stage, although once mighty Raven, facing a second season in the second tier domestically, can't even find any consolation in the interregionals, throwing away a seemingly comfortable 3-0 home lead to lose in extra time against Rdeča - they will be concentrating on getting out of the Soapy Lucre Lig-2 this season without distractions.

Play-off round
(KAR)                   Rdeča Mornarica    4–3    Raven Thöni                       (TAX)   0–3   4–0  (aet)
(TAX)                ASMV St. Bernadine    3–2    Herzegovina Phoenix               (BNJ)   1–2   2–0 
(TAX)            Napoleon St. Bernadine    3–2    Unama'kik-Inverness 1877          (QUE)   2–0   1–2  (aet)

Group stage participants: Napoleon St. Bernadine & ASMV St. Bernadine

Sack Race
Manager Ins & Outs

No-one blinks

Everyone is still in the job after the first ten games of the Solitary Soccer League, though there are certainly some hanging on by their fingernails - Davey Tinnalt at St. Bernadine Football Team, Joseph Moteudi at Standard Lily, and even Sami Samiii at Orchideeën have all recently received the dreaded vote of confidence from the board after slow starts. But so far, no shots fired.

Out First?: Joseph Moteudi, Standard Lily - 1/4 at TaxBet
After only one win in their first ten games, this represents the worst start for the club since the foundation of the SteuerLig, and to many it is a wonder that the Indussian is still in the job at this point. He perhaps started with some credit in the bank after winning the FFI Confederations Trophy last season, but that card must be virtually empty by now - he's going to have to start winning quick, or it will be game over at the Havnstadion.

Sick Notes
Injury News From The SteuerLig

Dam Busted

The big news, if not altogether unexpected by anyone but Rik Dam, is that Rik Dam has announced his retirement from the game after two years in recovery from a major car crash, when he bent his Tachyon 611 Goldleaf Custom around a bridge support on the way to Soccer Island. Despite having successfully learned to walk again and now apparently able to drive again, he has admitted he will never be able to move freely enough to play football effectively. What is next for Rik Dam? We are sure to find out soon enough.

In other news, Arrigo Napoleoni continues to fight an uphill battle to save his own career, and he's joined on the 'at risk' register by young Deltic talent Hersham Taine, who has a broken third chahkra and has become flooded with self-doubt and the inability to organise effective treatment. Christiaan van der Riet, Diedrich Billing and Junior Cavatta will all sit out the season while St. Bernadine Football Team will be worrying over a growing list of missing players now keeper Kett Harte and rightback Evela-Gavax Den are set for a spell on the sidelines until the winter break.

Confirmed retired through injury
ST Rik Dam			33	St. Bernadine Football Team

Major players with long-term injuries
Career-threatening:
ML Arrigo Napoleoni		26	FC Städeli
ML Hersham Taine (DLT*)		21 	Deltic FC

Out for the season:
MR Christiaan van der Riet	32	Old Shakerssens
DC Diedrich Billing		21	OSA-Cyclista
DC Junior Cavatta (OSS)		26	Old Shakerssens

Key players to miss a spell
GK Kett Harte			23	St.Bernadine Football Team
DR Evela-Gavax Den (BRH-QUS)	26 	St.Bernadine Football Team
ML Dany Van De Velde		22	Standard Lily
DR Christian Holter (PIS)	26	FC Städeli
GK Morten Gallis (AUP)		29	Tijhuis Archimedes
DC Aenbo Aogo (KOR)		27	Tijhuis Archimedes
ST Georg Bardo (PUG)		35	Septentriennes
GK Toka Harper			27	Sturm Havn
GK Umé Alenaggo	(MNO*)		29	ASMV St.Bernadine

Injury Time
Massive Outage at FA-Tax

Time to change your password

If you used password-1 as your universal internet password, and subscribed to the Solitary Soccer League email newsletter or were a registered player of Fantasy Financial League, it's time to update all your accounts to password-2. Troublesome hacker group Janet Quirk, based in the Zykotik Zoviet Republikz (ZZZR), have struck again to hammer a political blow for zykopathic dictator Boris Nikulin. The state-funded (allegedly) group are listed as a terrorist organisation for their activities in spreading disinformation, disrupting elections, sabotaging government services, shutting down utilities providers, creating vast spamming sessions, and pretending to be your long lost and vastly rich Auntie Vera from Makongo with an unlikely fortune to deposit in your bank account, if you'll only email her the details. Now they have struck at the very heart of the ultra-banker's leisure time, by breaching the FA-Tax server and stealing all the password and identity data of millions of football fans on the Isle of Taxhavn. Those damnable zykotics! The bureaucrats at the football institution called on the huge Wightling self-aware supercomputer Sixteen Bits AI (advanced non-public release version 26.1.112) (SXB to it's friends) to help, and it responded with a long and highly reassuring wall of text to explain how it can fix everything with a ten point bullet list of actions and various comforting sub-bullets, none of which meant anything to the bureaucrats or even poor Gertrude on the IT desk's 'zombie shift' at 4am when the attack happened, though she suspected SXB had made most of it up. Pseudo-IT, she thought.

Anyway.

After requesting and receiving a plain Wightlingese version it sounded like a simple enough procedure - but after five days of fruitless updates the AI, while still swearing on it's dead mother's bitmap soul it knew what it was doing and promising the very next python-coded line correction would solve everything, plainly did not know what it was doing. It did not solve everything. Overall, suggested Gertie, it may have made things worse. Finally a bald-headed man from Maxtopia - an actual human, and his team of volunteer humans - were hired to 'hose the server and completely rebuild it', whatever that meant; 'is it on fire?' asked a panic-striken football ennumerator from the fixture department.

While all this was happening, SteuerLig Commissioner Mert de Reeckonaere was called by the offices of key league sponsors like Crabapple Corp, Soapy Lucre, Molineux Goat Cheese and Trumpanzee Garbage Corporation, seeking reassurance that the football wouldn't stop. As you can see from the above post, it didn't. We just couldn't report it for a while and the poor ennumerator from the fixture department spent the whole time on the telephone - the telephone, mind you - advising clubs who hadn't hand-transcribed their fixture list to a paper diary (it was all of them, except the insightful hand transcribers at Dandelion Town FC) who they were playing next Tuesday night, where, and at what time.

The first thing the man from Maxtopia confirmed when he got to FA-Tower was that it wasn't a faulty option key on Gertie's keyboard as SXB had been insisting for the last ten hours, and he also rejected switching Sixteen Bits back to version 26.1.111 which special version 26.1.112 swore was the stable version that wouldn't overpromise and knew precisely what it was doing. He relieved SXB of it's duties. The AI went back to writing the TAX Magazine football reports, counselling teenagers unreliably about their truly remarkable descendancy from psychic unicorns and providing failsafe suicide ideation plans.

Eventually, the Maxtopian crew got FA-Tax back online, which is why you are reading this sportswire again. Thank you, hard working Maxxies. We may never know what data was stolen, or at least, not until we know. Which is to say, when ₸x8,000-shillings worth of lumbar and associated hand tools are ordered from Screwtape, a popular DIY outlet in Taxhavn, to be delivered to a small village just outside Nikulingrad in the ZZZR, and a ₸x10,000-shilling holiday to the Free Republics that you definitely didn't book. Because who in the multiverse would go there?

The Wide Enness Ocean
The key to Wightling puppetry
* Nationalities marked with an asterisk are part of the Wightling Commonwealth:

AAN  Aaan              HUI  Huaite             NYY  Namayyan                   SOY  Soyo
AUR  Auronne           HVM  Hvammstang         OSM  Osmania                    TAM  Tamarindia
BBS  Barbary Salé      IDM  Íle de Martín      PLV  Palava                     TEQ  Tequilo
BEO  Beomark           IPN  Ipanema            POI  Poix                       TRQ  Terraque
BOH  Bohobe            JLA  Jelah              PSI  Portsea & Spice Islands    URQ  Uraqq		
BSE  Bonesea           KKA  Kukalaya           RRP  République Rivière         USO  Usorno		
CMU  Chímu             MAK  Makongo            RSG  Royal Saxe-Gotha           WGT  Wight	
COS  Costelloa         MNO  Monozygotia        RXX  Rosicruxxia                XIN  Xindao	
CRN  Cernan            MPK  Malproksimen       SCG  Scéalta Grinn              ZGA  Zenega	 
DLT  Delte             MUS  Mustardy           SCY  Scythia                    ZZR  Zykotik Zoviet Republicz	
HSP  Hispanola         NIB  Nibelunga          SLT  Saltern Island		

OOC  The Wightling Commonwealth, of which Taxhavn is also a member, is the commonwealth of Wightling puppets.
OBV.

by **Taxhavn** » Sat Feb 14, 2026 11:14 am

OOC: I'm very happy to announce the RL partnership with User:Gnejs in the production of the SteuerLig sportswire, or TAX Magazine Sports Desk as I sometimes call it. As the writer behind both Gnejs and Seeberg, I feel we have one of the best and most under-appreciated RPers on board for the SteuerLig. I hope in the future NSS gets more storied nations from Gnejs, it's a duller place without them - but for now at least, we can enjoy football tourists Karl-Johan, Knut and Hardly-Knut directly from the pen (or keyboard) of their original creator.

The Football Tourists
An outside view from the inside

TAX Magazine welcomes our new contributor[s] to the sports desk

These segments are written by our by now well-known affiliates, dog-walker Karl-Johan Vaasa (63) and his good friend Knut Svensson (65), aided, of course, in no small measure by his dog Hardly-Knut.

The concept of Karl-Johan and Knut, and Hardly-Knut, themselves chronicling their relentless quest to visit every ground and stadium on the isles, was of course devised to allow readers to continue experiencing the timeless charm of these vagabonds, now in their own words.

However, it was also part of an ongoing efficiency and cost-cutting effort, seeing as Karl-Johan and Knut demanded no more compensation than the odd Shepherd's Pie, two pints of lager, and a muttonchop for Hardly-Knut, to go with whatever game they covered. They even declined the magazine’s offer to secure them proper lodgings on their travels, since “It’s not a proper away day if you spend the night,” as Karl-Johan resolutely put it.

It is safe to say all was most pleased with this arrangement.

For their first assignment, we directed the boys to survey the rather tepid Lig-4 capital rivalry – often dubbed “The Forgotten Derby” – between St. Bernadine Apollo and St. Bernadine Astronomical.

In Our Own Words
The Forgotten Derby

Trumpanzee Garbage Lig-4 MD-3: St. Bernadine Apollo 4–5 St. Bernadine Astronomical

I am more of a speaker than a writer, but I will nonetheless try to convey our take on the afternoon’s proceedings.

Firstly, let me just say how pleased we were – myself, Knut and of course Hardly-Knut – to be given this opportunity to watch our beloved second favorite team, and especially so when it was out there on the pitch of 'The Big Man’s Ballsack'.

If you’ve never walked down the streets of these parts of St. Bernadine, there’s a chance you’ve never heard that name before, but that’s indeed the colloquial term of the common man when he speaks of the home of St. Bernadine Apollo.

It’s an odd one, no doubt, but like most oddities it all makes sense when you look at it. Like Knut did, just before we travelled over here.

There was once a 'big man', you see. Now, according to Knut, this was in the old days, and he is not sure about what you had to do to be considered a big man back then. Knut says this was even so long ago it was pre-banking, if you can even imagine such a thing, so maybe he was just a big man, as in physically big. As opposed to fiscally big, which is how your bigness is asserted these days.

Anyways.

The big man had a habit of dropping the old idiom “Nobody drags me by the ballsack twice and gets away with it” into whatever conversation he was engaged in. It was considered somewhat of a nuisance by his friends and acquaintances, but according to Knut this kind of mannerism was often the prerogative of big men, and no one complained (at least not to his face).

Of course, Knut explained to us, the big man, and the idiom, was speaking of a traditional sack – probably of the woven variety – that any self-respecting man of those days would use to carry his ball - or balls - of choice, and not the part of the anatomical male reproductive structure that consists of a suspended sack of skin. However, this distinction was lost on a confused young man, and one day he decided to tempt fate by attempting to drag the big man by his – biological – ballsack.

From what Knut was able to gather, local folklore states that the big man’s screams were so shrill that a nearby glass pavilion shattered into a million pieces. When the cost of reconstruction became known, it was instead decided to repurpose the lot into a football pitch, which of course became known to the locals as 'The Big Man’s Ballsack', and in time developed into the home of St. Bernadine Apollo.

Interestingly, that name is a bit of an ex post facto construction, if Knut is to be believed. The blazing sun on the club crest is of course officially meant to symbolize the fabled deity of Apollo, but was originally designed to illustrate a lone testicle radiating with pain after having been tugged at (twice). The original name of the club remains shrouded in mystery, but it seems certain that it most likely conformed to the common fashion of the times to name teams from St. Bernadine with titles beginning with A.

It was around this time that Hardly-Knut chimed in with a burst of well-placed barks, and both me and Knut could do nothing else but nod in agreement: That the scrotum will often tighten when exposed to cold temperatures was not only true, but did indeed seem like an apt description of how St. Bernadine Apollo proceeded to concede four goals in the second half and end up losing this year’s first rendition of The Forgotten Derby.

Penned by: Karl-Johan Vaasa (63)

All-Blacks Set The Pace
Soapy Lucre Lig-2 Update

Raven won't bear another season at this level

It's been a good start for the fallen giants from Thöni, humiliated by relegation and then losing the play-off final to Napoleon to miss out on an instant return, and there is a strong feeling they absolutely must get back this season. Recruiting a group of promising Pyazhnayans looks to be paying off.


   Soapy Lucre Lig-2            Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD    Win %    Win %   Pts
 1 Raven Thöni                   10    7   1   2    24   16   +8    0.750    0.700    22
 2 FZK-Amstell                   10    6   2   2    20   20    0    0.700    0.600    20
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 3 Löwen Bessendorf              10    6   1   3    24   20   +4    0.650    0.600    19
 4 Helvétique Rangers            10    6   0   4    22    9  +13    0.600    0.600    18
 5 Motor Waallen                 10    5   3   2    28   21   +7    0.650    0.500    18
 6 1860 Delénacht                10    5   2   3    20   19   +1    0.600    0.500    17
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 7 Urban Irminger                10    4   3   3    25   21   +4    0.550    0.400    15
 8 Benson Foxes                  10    4   3   3    24   20   +4    0.550    0.400    15
 9 St. Bernadine Academical      10    4   2   4    22   23   −1    0.500    0.400    14
10 Dandelion Town FC             10    4   2   4    19   18   +1    0.500    0.400    14
11 St. Gight's Albion            10    3   5   2    23   19   +4    0.550    0.300    14
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
12 Schwänenclub                  10    3   4   3    25   25    0    0.500    0.300    13
13 Five Star St. Bernadine       10    3   2   5    20   26   −6    0.400    0.300    11
14 Watling Street Ramblers       10    2   4   4    17   24   −7    0.400    0.200    10
15 Fortuna Städeli               10    2   2   6    17   22   −5    0.300    0.200     8
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
16 McCunnald FC                  10    1   4   5    22   26   −4    0.300    0.100     7
17 HKB Merzberg                  10    1   4   5    13   24  −11    0.300    0.100     7
18 VF Nibelungengraf             10    1   2   7    13   25  −12    0.200    0.100     5

Relegated Trio Up And Running
Molineux Goats Cheese Lig-3 Update

Quick returns expected

Three relegated sides fill the top three places in the third tier, with VF Romainring especially looking for a quick return; they were in the top flight just three seasons ago and have suffered so much since the coming of Deltic FC to roost in their home, take over their club and deprioritise their progress. Fans are hoping for a complete affiliation break through legal channels to help revive their fortunes, but a quick promotion would certainly help.


   Molineux Goats Cheese Lig-3  Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD    Win %    Win %   Pts 
 1 Rotor Küsneuve                10    7   1   2    31   17  +14    0.750    0.700    22
 2 VF Romainring                 10    7   0   3    29   22   +7    0.700    0.700    21
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 3 Rankfelden Cardinals          10    6   3   1    16    9   +7    0.750    0.600    21
 4 Immenmold                     10    6   2   2    23   18   +5    0.700    0.600    20
 5 FFC Mesocyclone               10    6   1   3    23   18   +5    0.650    0.600    19
 6 Boilinghouse Nettle           10    5   4   1    27   17  +10    0.700    0.500    19
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 7 Olimpia Oranjestadt           10    5   3   2    18   15   +3    0.650    0.500    18
 8 Rot-Westenweiler              10    5   2   3    22   20   +2    0.600    0.500    17
 9 Tulip Maartenstadt            10    4   4   2    24   21   +3    0.600    0.400    16
10 Axis Driessche                10    3   5   2    26   25   +1    0.550    0.300    14 * No promotion allowed
11 Stadler Works                 10    3   4   3    19   21   −2    0.500    0.300    13
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
12 VF Merzberg                   10    4   0   6    19   22   −3    0.400    0.400    12
13 Roterlicht Knokschäft         10    3   1   6    16   22   −6    0.350    0.300    10
14 Scarab St. Bernadine          10    2   2   6    14   19   −5    0.300    0.200     8
15 Orping-Tinkers                10    2   1   7    18   31  −13    0.250    0.200     7
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
16 Achilles Portugaal            10    2   0   8    15   23   −8    0.200    0.200     6
17 AZ Exloërveen                 10    1   3   6    11   19   −8    0.250    0.100     6
18 Energia Niekerk               10    0   2   8    15   27  −12    0.100    0.000     2

Torpedo Tops
Trumpanzee Garbage Lig-4 Update

Last unbeaten team in the league

Outside of the Solitary Soccer League, Torpedo will be happy to hold the last remaining unbeaten record, although with so many draws they have hardly put distance behind other contenders. It's a surprisingly bad start for AZ-Tjaart 54, one of the teams tipped for promotion, while the other fancied team, Hibernien, are there or thereabouts at this stage.


   Trumpanzee Garbage Lig-4     Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD    Win %    Win %   Pts
 1 Torpedo Tijhuis               10    5   5   0    25   17   +8    0.750    0.500    20
 2 Schwarz-Weiss Thöni           10    5   4   1    27   19   +8    0.700    0.500    19
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 3 Hibernien                     10    5   3   2    26   16  +10    0.650    0.500    18
 4 St. Bernadine Apollo          10    5   3   2    25   22   +3    0.650    0.500    18
 5 Esterden Reds                 10    4   5   1    16   14   +2    0.650    0.400    17
 6 Meteor Maartenstadt           10    4   4   2    22   16   +6    0.600    0.400    16
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 7 Lokomotiv Devengein           10    3   5   2    21   18   +3    0.550    0.300    14
 8 Mount Shilling Casuals        10    3   5   2    17   16   +1    0.550    0.300    14
 9 Nova Tijhuis                  10    4   1   5    22   25   −3    0.450    0.400    13
10 St. Bernadine Astronomical    10    3   4   3    31   31    0    0.500    0.300    13
11 Social Städeli                10    3   4   3    26   26    0    0.500    0.300    13
12 Lada Tijhuis                  10    3   3   4    29   31   −2    0.450    0.300    12
13 Súlan Gannet                  10    3   3   4    17   18   −1    0.450    0.300    12
14 Trojan Portugaal              10    3   2   5    19   22   −3    0.400    0.300    11
15 Wijnward Olympia              10    2   4   4    17   23   −6    0.400    0.200    10
16 Völker Merzberg               10    1   4   5    13   21   −8    0.300    0.100     7
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
17 Ravenser Odd                  10    1   3   6    21   30   −9    0.250    0.100     6
18 AZ-Tjaart 54                  10    1   2   7    19   28   −9    0.200    0.100     5

by **Taxhavn** » Mon Feb 16, 2026 1:05 am

SteuerLig-99
Part 2/4: The Slog Is On - Autumn Rolls In

It's just a bit of drizzle: the weather has changed as the season hits full swing and then takes a break in the middle. After twenty rounds of the SteuerLig players will have a brief holiday and while foreign types might make a visit back to the homeland, the locals will doubtless revive the traditional country break to the Delte Valley, what with the end of Uncivil War and all that... More adventurous Taxhavnites might pay for off-grid trips to the outer limits of the Wightling Commonwealth, or even deepest darkest Farolera [makes the sign of the snakéd cross for good luck]. Before all that, lets take a look at how things panned out before the break. Professional players won't be allowed to take such risks, of course. I guess most will be watching the snooker and a few SteuerLig veterans will be taking their first coaching classes. Before all that, lets take a look at how things panned out before the break.

TL;NGR
• Septentriennes top of the league
• St. Bernadine Football Team out of the Cup
• Orchideeën beat Raynor City United
• Magnus Rüfenacht sacked from FC Städeli
• Georg Bardo out for the season
• Torpedo win the Spijkerhuis Prize for Unbeatableness
• Some other useful stuff, maybe

In Others Words
The Anger Mismanagement Podcast

Cheeky chappy former Boldsea FC head coach and resident Solitary Soccer League observational comic Mosey Ackanard goes head-to-head with Septentriennes' Gnejsian superstriker and football philosopher Georg Bardo in the most-listened to double-act of the season.

'Strikers are like tea bags – you never know how strong they are until they’re in hot water.'

- Mosey Ackanard, the Spittalninny Bonesman (that is to say, Man of Spittals, the cutlural heart and capital of Bonesea) with the wit and the wisdom to match his football heritage expresses his career-informed opinion on the fallibilities of front men.

«To the striker’s eye, every defense is like the inside of an accomplished loaf: dotted with pockets wide enough to make love with»

- Georg Bardo, the title-winning marksman and ex-pat resident of St. Bernadine City, co-owner of Dandelion Town FC and all-round absurdist thinker responds to Mosey with his own refreshing metaphor, possibly in defence of his trade, but one wonders if with the squinted eye and arched eye-brow of the football historian who knows the opinionated former head coach was a defender, back in his playing days. Or maybe he's reflecting on recent troubles back home where Mrs. Bardo has slapped a moritorium on his bread-making machine. You can never be sure, with Georg.

Blood, Sweat & Tiers
Hibernien

Rebel Songs

There are many clubs on the Isle of Taxhavn - a hotchpotch of migration over the centuries - that represent certain international communities: whether that be specifically with an ex-pat player roster like Dandelion Town FC (Gnejsians) or Deltic FC (err, Delts); or ideologically representative of a nation like Old Shakerssens (Audioslavia) or ASMV St. Bernadine (err, ASMV); and in many cases, clubs at the heart of a migrant community like Lada Tijhuis (ZZZR), Polarian Städeli (Polar Islandstates) or Yuruguayans (err, Farfadillis?). To this day it is common for clubs to seek a natural support base in an identified community, as demonstrated by recent franchise Boldsea FC (for Bonesea) or the new franchise arriving next season, The Wight Rovers (err, Wight). Another club very much linked to an ex-pat community are Hibernien, or to give them their proper and full club title, The Grinsmen's Hibernien Hurling & Football Athletic Club of St. Bernadine, or Cumann Iománaíochta agus Peile Éireannach Ghrinsmen Naomh Beirneadán. We prefer to stick with Hibernien. A strong team in recent years in the Southern League, Hibernien joined the expansion group for the Trumpanzee Garbage Lig-4 and were instantly annointed one of the favourites for promotion. So far, so good - they are definitely looking competitive just out in front at the top of the division going into the winter break. Based in the St. Bernadine district of Cleffort, 'The Grinsmen' are supported by a large nationwide community of Grinnish ex-pats from the very Gaelic Wightling Commonwealth island of Scéalta Grinn, with a strongholding centred on Cleffort Pond - which is no longer a pond of course but the dockland and shipyard that let out via The Great Southern Ship Canal into St. Bernadine Harbour.

The Grinsfolk as you'll know are legendary for two things - their joyous hospitality on the one hand, and drunkfighting on the other. Often combined in the same evening. By extension then, you would expect the club to have a supporter element along the same lines, but the raucous atmosphere at Canal Street was a little more nuanced - the fighting, whilst often undertaken in drunkenness, tended to focus less on ultra-to-ultra partisan violence and more on a peculiar ritualistic in-fighting conducted along traditional lines to demonstrate the might and courage of the Grinsman - or woman, or childer (chavvie) - and to cow the enemy into removing themselves from the battlefield. Historically of course, this may only have worked in some distant romanticised past, while in the more recent martial history of Scéalta Grinn it usually had the effect of the Grinnsmen going into battle already half beaten to death by their own company. Inevitably, they were conquered by the Wightlings, who rather than being cowed by the bloody performance of their foe were culturally inclined to appreciate such energetic theatre, and met the Grinsmen in battle both artistically stimulated and inspired for the slog ahead. There was no contest. Today, at Hibernien, the fans prefer to stick to the traditional art of the rebel song, in which they can lyricise the joyous hospitality and the drunkfighting without committing civil offences, and they most often channel their tuneful ire against the auld enemy - Wight. With the rise and rise of a new colonial imperative and a strong resistance from the old country, they have plenty to sing about.

Match of the Autumn
Kierhuizen Boys 2–5 Septentriennes
Rai Mazzanti 42' Florens Klein Stroek 72' | Rollo Heron 21' 28' 68' Raûl Sarmiento (OG) 54' Luis Glücki 90+12'

Staalenstadion, Portugaal

Round 17: Visitors Bank A Six Pointer

A thriller at the Steelenstadion that was much more closely contested than the final score would suggest, the clash of first and second place in the SSL was settled well in favour of the visitors, as The Bankers finally overtook early title challengers Kierhuizen Boys to go clear at the top. Having been rocked by the news ahead of the game that Georg Bardo's bilateral temporal shin drift has recurred during rehabilitation and he will miss the rest of the season - his second whole season in the last three - Septentriennes were bolstered by a superb showing from Tikariot youngster Tristan Featherstone, 19, who will not look out of place in the starting line up in the title defence; while Rollo Heron's willingness to find an extra gear or three made him almost unplayable in a hat-trick scoring game. He'd put the Bankers two up in the first half hour, the first a brilliant solo effort picking the ball up deep and tormenting the Boys defence before firing home; the second a neat combination move between Featherstone and winger Daniel Dight with Heron on the end to finish off. The home side regained some composure after threatening to go under, and Tamarindian midfielder Rai Mazzanti pulled one back shortly before the break to keep the contest alive.

Early in the second half Boys keeper Raûl Sarmiento - so good so far this season - was unlucky to see a brilliant free kick from Luis Glücki cannon back off a post and rebound into the net after striking him on the ankle to regain the visitors two goal advantage. Under pressure from probing Kierhuizen attacks, Septentriennes launched a route-one counter in the 68th minute as keeper Barnaby Flexney played a long pass straight down the middle to set up a three-way race between Sarmiento coming out from goal, Heron closing in for his third, and scampering Chromatik full-back Odwin Muir, defying his 34 years in a lightning recovery run. But it was your man Rollo Heron who just inched it, taking a delightful touch to completely wrong-foot both, creating half a second of time to shape up and passing into an empty net from twenty-five yards. The Boys responded quickly with full back Florens Klein Stroek reducing the deficit four minutes later, striker Quinten van Raalte getting his second assist of the afternoon, to keep the home team in sight. A long delay shortly afterward for the injury to Boys' centre-half Dominique Petain put an extra twelve minutes on the clock, but despite a seige in the Septentriennes penalty box, the home side could not prevail, and Luis Glücki with the last kick of the game added the icing to the cake for the visitors from another counter attack.

Player of the match: Rollo Heron (Septentriennes)

Did Somebody Say 'Takeaway'?
Five Things We Learned In Rounds 11-20

Septentriennes Out In Front

Bankers Are Back - after Kierhuizen Boys raced away in the first phase of the season it looked like anyone would struggle to catch them, but Septentriennes have done just that to overhaul them before the winter break. Making up a 9-point deficit, they now lead the league by three points - and have had to do it the hard way, without talisman Georg Bardo.

Bonesemen Are Back Too - carrying a penalty points deduction and a severe dose of second season syndrome, the new franchise team had a poor time of it last season, and that cost cheeky chappy Mosey Ackanard his job. But the team have roared back after an off-season of heavy recruitment, particularly the capture of national team striker Jeroen Blenkers, and are chasing Septentriennes at the top.

Pollen Counters Are Proving Competitive - after the dreaded vote of confidence, Indussian head coach Joseph Moteudi has defied the odds to keep his job, and he's really turned this team around. From the bottom-three and the worst SteuerLig start in the club's history, Standard Lily are fighting their way up the table, sitting just outside the interregional places on goal difference.

Heavies Are Here - double Cup-winners and the team we most like to call 'attractively sustainable', HPV Waallen are living up to their promise to disrupt the upper reaches of the table. Two comfortable 10th place finishes are likely to be significantly improved upon this time around, and who would bet their house against a Champions League qualification?

Frigates Are Failing - we saw it at Raven Thöni: one of the Big Three relying too much on reputation and former recruitment powers falling into crisis and the drop. Now FC Städeli, third most successful club of the SteuerLig era, are unravelling. Several seasons of poor squad management are catching up with the club, and head coach Magnus Rüfenacht has already been shown the door.


   Solitary Soccer League       Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD    Win %    Win %   Pts 
 1 Septentriennes                20   12   3   5    54   48   +6    0.675    0.600    39  National Porridge Winter Shield Winners
 2 Boldsea FC                    20   10   6   4    59   43  +16    0.650    0.500    36
 3 Kierhuizen Boys               20   10   6   4    46   35  +11    0.650    0.500    36
 4 Old Shakerssens               20   10   5   5    52   39  +13    0.625    0.500    35
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
 5 Orchideeën                    20    9   7   4    58   49   +9    0.625    0.450    34
 6 HPV Waallen                   20    9   5   6    45   38   +7    0.575    0.450    32
 7 Tijhuis Archimedes            20    9   3   8    48   44   +4    0.525    0.450    30
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
 8 Standard Lily                 20    8   6   6    46   42   +4    0.550    0.400    30
 9 ASMV St. Bernadine            20    9   2   9    48   45   +3    0.500    0.450    29
10 Deltic FC                     20    8   4   8    50   40  +10    0.500    0.400    28
11 De Tike FC                    20    7   6   7    29   30   −1    0.500    0.350    27
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
12 Napoleon St. Bernadine        20    8   2  10    53   58   −5    0.450    0.400    26
13 St. Bernadine Football Team   20    7   2  11    43   49   −6    0.400    0.350    23
14 FC Städeli                    20    7   2  11    36   41   −5    0.400    0.350    23
15 Zotteeik                      20    5   5  10    37   45   −8    0.375    0.250    20  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
16 BSSC Driessche                20    5   5  10    33   50  −17    0.375    0.250    20
17 OSA-Cyclista                  20    5   3  12    33   56  −23    0.325    0.250    18
18 Sturm Havn                    20    5   2  13    45   63  −18    0.300    0.250    17

Match of the round highlighted

Round-11
                 Sturm Havn 3–2 Septentriennes
                 Boldsea FC 0–0 BSSC Driessche
            Old Shakerssens 3–2 Napoleon St. Bernadine
            Kierhuizen Boys 0–1 Standard Lily
                 Orchideeën 5–2 FC Städeli
St. Bernadine Football Team 2–3 HPV Waallen
         ASMV St. Bernadine 0–1 De Tike FC
                   Zotteeik 2–2 Tijhuis Archimedes
               OSA-Cyclista 0–3 Deltic FC

Round-12
             Septentriennes 3–2 Deltic FC
         Tijhuis Archimedes 3–2 OSA-Cyclista
                 De Tike FC 3–0 Zotteeik
                HPV Waallen 0–0 ASMV St. Bernadine
                 FC Städeli 2–3 St. Bernadine Football Team
              Standard Lily 3–4 Orchideeën
     Napoleon St. Bernadine 5–5 Kierhuizen Boys
             BSSC Driessche 0–3 Old Shakerssens
                 Sturm Havn 3–2 Boldsea FC

Round-13
                 Boldsea FC 5–2 Septentriennes
            Old Shakerssens 3–2 Sturm Havn
            Kierhuizen Boys 0–0 BSSC Driessche
                 Orchideeën 5–1 Napoleon St. Bernadine
St. Bernadine Football Team 3–1 Standard Lily
         ASMV St. Bernadine 3–2 FC Städeli
                   Zotteeik 3–0 HPV Waallen
               OSA-Cyclista 3–2 De Tike FC
                  Deltic FC 1–3 Tijhuis Archimedes

Round-14
             Septentriennes 5–4 Tijhuis Archimedes
                 De Tike FC 0–0 Deltic FC
                HPV Waallen 3–0 OSA-Cyclista
                 FC Städeli 1–0 Zotteeik
              Standard Lily 4–1 ASMV St. Bernadine
     Napoleon St. Bernadine 5–3 St. Bernadine Football Team
             BSSC Driessche 1–3 Orchideeën
                 Sturm Havn 4–3 Kierhuizen Boys
                 Boldsea FC 5–3 Old Shakerssens

Round-15
            Old Shakerssens 4–2 Septentriennes[color=#DB3E00]
            Kierhuizen Boys 5–3 Boldsea FC
                 Orchideeën 4–1 Sturm Havn
St. Bernadine Football Team 4–3 BSSC Driessche
         ASMV St. Bernadine 5–2 Napoleon St. Bernadine
                   Zotteeik 2–3 Standard Lily
               OSA-Cyclista 3–1 FC Städeli
                  Deltic FC 3–3 HPV Waallen
         Tijhuis Archimedes 3–3 De Tike FC

Round-16
             Septentriennes 3–2 De Tike FC
                HPV Waallen 1–3 Tijhuis Archimedes
                 FC Städeli 3–2 Deltic FC
              Standard Lily 3–1 OSA-Cyclista
     Napoleon St. Bernadine 2–3 Zotteeik
             BSSC Driessche 0–2 ASMV St. Bernadine
                 Sturm Havn 2–3 St. Bernadine Football Team
                 Boldsea FC 4–4 Orchideeën
            Old Shakerssens 1–2 Kierhuizen Boys

Round-17
            Kierhuizen Boys 2–5 Septentriennes
                 Orchideeën 3–3 Old Shakerssens
St. Bernadine Football Team 0–1 Boldsea FC
         ASMV St. Bernadine 0–3 Sturm Havn
                   Zotteeik 1–1 BSSC Driessche
               OSA-Cyclista 2–4 Napoleon St. Bernadine
                  Deltic FC 2–2 Standard Lily
         Tijhuis Archimedes 2–0 FC Städeli
                 De Tike FC 0–1 HPV Waallen

Round-18
             Septentriennes 2–1 HPV Waallen
                 De Tike FC 1–0 FC Städeli
         Tijhuis Archimedes 1–3 Standard Lily
                  Deltic FC 4–2 Napoleon St. Bernadine
               OSA-Cyclista 3–1 BSSC Driessche
                   Zotteeik 5–3 Sturm Havn
         ASMV St. Bernadine 2–5 Boldsea FC
St. Bernadine Football Team 3–5 Old Shakerssens
                 Orchideeën 2–2 Kierhuizen Boys

Round-19
                 Orchideeën 1–2 Septentriennes
            Kierhuizen Boys 0–0 St. Bernadine Football Team
            Old Shakerssens 4–3 ASMV St. Bernadine
                 Boldsea FC 4–4 Zotteeik
                 Sturm Havn 3–3 OSA-Cyclista
             BSSC Driessche 3–2 Deltic FC
     Napoleon St. Bernadine 2–1 Tijhuis Archimedes
              Standard Lily 2–0 De Tike FC
                 FC Städeli 3–4 HPV Waallen

Round-20
             Septentriennes 2–1 FC Städeli
                HPV Waallen 0–3 Standard Lily
                 De Tike FC 1–3 Napoleon St. Bernadine[color=#DB3E00]
         Tijhuis Archimedes 6–2 BSSC Driessche
                  Deltic FC 3–0 Sturm Havn
               OSA-Cyclista 2–4 Boldsea FC
                   Zotteeik 0–0 Old Shakerssens
         ASMV St. Bernadine 3–1 Kierhuizen Boys
St. Bernadine Football Team 2–3 Orchideeën

Golden Balls
Jeroen Blenkers, Boldsea FC

There's life in the old dog yet

Only Orchideeën Director of Football Zéphyrin Tassin and Vilitan head coach Sami Samiii thought Jeroen Blenkers was approaching the autumn of his career when they let him leave the Nurserymen in the off-season, while the rest of us could only wonder what the heck they had seen to make them think that. Off he went to struggling franchise outfit Boldsea FC and rather than beginning to appreciate their foresight, we are now all completely certain they were daft to write off the veteran striker so quickly. With their own exotic front pairing of Mark Ravelli (KSK) and Lalo Ceesay (BNJ) Orchideeën are enjoying plenty of goal action themselves, but the one man standing head and shoulders above them is the man they let go - Jeroen Blenkers is playing a blinder for his new club, linking telepathically with another under-appreciated former national team forward in Merewin Barker, and popping them in for fun. We can hardly wait to see how he shapes up with the Winter Ruleset this season, when the Standard Quotient International System, or SQIS ruleset, is replaced with the SteuerLig's crazy New Support For Strikers rules. He could be on for a record-breaking season.

IFCF Group Stages

The 25th IFCF Champions League
In the Big Draw Competition, the one that really matters, both Taxhavn sides that were automatically qualified went through into the knockouts. Receiving the real glamour draw, the Nurserymen found themselves in the same group as celebrated interregional giants Namiri Indpendent and the team that, since the departure of Paripanan clubs from multiversal competition, are the club of the competition - RCU. Wins on thr road against both was enough to see them through ahead of Independent, while the Bankers saw off tough competition right through the group to finish top of the pile, leaving home fans optimistic for a deep run in the Champions League.

Group C                          P  W  D  L  GF  GA  GD Pts
1  Septentriennes          TAX   6  4  0  2  10   5   5  12 *      
2  Hoima Warriors          BNJ   6  4  0  2   7   6   1  12 * 
3  Waldster FC             FVA   6  3  0  3  13  11   2   9   
4  VLC FC                  EFL   6  1  0  5   6  14  -8   3      
Tie broken by head to head results

Septentriennes vs.         H     A
Hoima Warriors             2-1   4-0
Waldster FC                0-2   2-1
VLC FC                     2-0   0-1

Group G                          P  W  D  L  GF  GA  GD Pts
1  Raynor City United      VAL   6  3  2  1  10   6   4  11 
2  Orchideeën              TAX   6  3  1  2   9   7   2  10 
3  Namiri Independent      ZWZ   6  1  4  1   6   7  -1   7 
4  Mansanduni Union PFC    BIY   6  0  3  3   4   9  -5   3 

Orchideeën vs.             H     A
Raynor City United         1-3   1-0   
Namiri Independent         1-2   2-0
Mansanduni Union PFC       2-0   2-2

The 25th IFCF Challengers Cup
Former winners Deltic FC and newcomers Kierhuizen Boys suffered at the hands of less inexperienced teams to finish third in what were admittedly tricky Challenegers Cup groups, heading into the Associations Trophy as consolations - while for Standard Lily there was not the glimmer of consolation in losing six of six, an absymal showing for Joseph Motuedi's team who just haven't been at the races this season. Only an upturn in league form has saved him so far, and they still have a Confederations Trophy to defend, otherwise this has been a season to forget so far.

Group B                          P  W  D  L  GF  GA  GD  Pts 
1  FK Vselitamak           PYA   6  4  1  1  12   6   6  13 
2  1899 Szbedansk          KNZ   6  3  1  2   6   8  -2  10 
3  Deltic FC               TAX   6  2  0  4   8   9  -1   6 * 
4  Chalesm FC              SRS   6  2  0  4  11  14  -3   6 * 
* Tie broken by head to head goals scored away from home

Deltic FC vs.              H     A
FK Vselitamak              1-3   0-1       
1899 Szbedansk             0-1   3-0    
Chalesm FC                 1-2   3-2

Group D                          P  W  D  L  GF  GA  GD  Pts  
1  Athletic Saint Eleanor  EXT   6  4  1  1  11   6   5  13 *  
2  Mieteng City            SAT   6  4  1  1  12   6   6  13 * 
3  VfB München 1900        KAU   6  3  0  3  11  10   1   9   
4  Standard Lily           TAX   6  0  0  6   3  15 -12   0     
* Tie broken by head to head results

Standard Lily vs.          H     A
Athletic Saint Eleanor     0-3   1-3         
Mieteng City               1-2   1-2
VfB München 1900           0-3   0-2

Group E                          P  W  D  L  GF  GA  GD  Pts  
1  Coalbrook Athletic      KAT   6  5  0  1  15   9   6  15   
2  Burnaby SC              KSK   6  3  1  2  14  13   1  10   
3  Kierhuizen Boys         TAX   6  1  2  3  11  13  -2   5   
4  Eolorent                AUP   6  1  1  4   8  13  -5   4   

Kierhuizen Boys vs.        H     A
Coalbrook Athletic         0-2   4-2     
Burnaby SC                 2-3   3-3
Eolorent                   1-2   1-1

The 15th IFCF Associations Trophy
With two teams dropping down into the knockout rounds of the AT from the Challengers Cup, Taxhavn have still got skin in the game, but no thanks to Old Shakerssens, who fail to progress after poor performances leave them well off the mark. From starting in the Champions League preliminaries, dropping through the Champions Cup and failing to get out of this group, they have not done well in the interregionals despite their cosmopolitan make-up.

Group                            P  W  D  L  GF  GA  GD  Pts    
1  Reichton SC             ZEN   6  3  2  1   9   7   2  11   
2  Hiyashi Celestia        EXT   6  3  1  2  11   6   5  10   
3  Old Shakerssens         TAX   6  2  1  3   6   7  -1   7     
4  CSKA City               NKR   6  2  0  4   4  10  -6   6   

Old Shakerssens vs.        H     A
Reichton SC                1-2   1-1 
Hiyashi Celestia           0-1   0-3   
CSKA City                  2-0   2-0

The 25th IFCF Liga B Champions Trophy
The two rival St. Bernadine clubs edge through unconvincingly in the second tier competition, and ASMV can point to edging out a Vanoran club in their group as a source of promise. But given the generally indifferent performances of Taxhavn groups in the interregionals this season, and two consecutive seasons of really very poor showings in knockout formats, one has to expect the worst.

Group C                          P  W  D  L  GF  GA  GD  Pts    
1  Napoleon St. Bernadine  TAX   6  3  1  2  10   7   3  10      
2  Rdeča Mornarica         KAR   6  2  2  2  10  11  -1   8 *   
3  Grand Beach             EXT   6  2  2  2  12  10   2   8 *   
4  N.O.K. Rui Válgo        GEE   6  2  1  3   6  10  -4   7      
Tie broken by head to head results

Napoleon St. Bernadine vs. H     A
Rdeča Mornarica            1-0   4-1     
Grand Beach                0-1   3-3
N.O.K. Rui Válgo           0-1   2-1   

Group D                          P  W  D  L  GF  GA  GD  Pts    
1  Striterax FC            SRS   6  4  2  0  11   7   4  14     
2  ASMV St. Bernadine      TAX   6  2  2  2  10  10   0   8     
3  Río CF                  VAL   6  1  3  2   6   7  -1   6     
4  ASC Arturia Nishigawa   APH   6  1  1  4   5   8  -3   4     

ASMV St. Bernadine vs.     H     A
Striterax FC               3-3   1-2   
Río CF                     1-1   3-2
ASC Arturia Nishigawa      1-2   1-0

The 25th IFCF Rising Stars Cup
The young Bankers were clearly out of their depth in the Rising Stars Cup while Champions Path qualifiers St. Bernadine Academical didn't even make it to the group stages, so the hope of youth is pinned on the Orchideeën apprentices, who go through in second place well ahead of Mansanduni and the suprisingly blunt RCU youngsters.

Group C                          P  W  D  L  GF  GA  GD  Pts    
1  Hoima Warriors          BNJ   6  5  1  0  13   7   6  16     
2  VLC FC                  EFL   6  3  2  1  11   7   4  11     
3  Waldster FC             FVA   6  1  1  4  10  12  -2   4      
4  Septentriennes          TAX   6  0  2  4   4  12  -8   2     

Septentriennes vs.         H     A
Hoima Warriors             1-2   1-3     
VLC FC                     0-0   1-3
Waldster FC                0-3   1-1

Group G                        P  W  D  L  GF  GA  GD  Pts    
1  Namiri Independent      ZWZ   6  3  2  1   9   6   3  11 *   
2  Orchideeën              TAX   6  3  2  1  11   7   4  11 *   
3  Mansanduni Union PFC    BIY   6  2  0  4   9  13  -4   6       
4  Raynor City United      VAL   6  1  2  3   6   9  -3   5       
Tie broken by head to head results

Orchideeën vs.             H     A
Namiri Independent         0-1   2-2          
Mansanduni Union PFC       5-2   1-0         
Raynor City United         1-0   2-2

Did you know?
It's fun to play in Taxhavn
In 30 head-to-head ties in the group stage games, Taxhavnite clubs had a worse result in the home match than the away fixture on 20 occasions or 66% of the ties, an increase on the preliminary round fixtures where 7 of 13 ties or 54% saw Taxhavn teams fare better on the road. 'Visit Taxhavn' is a big marketing hook across the multiverse - mostly for banking and dentistry, but probably to play football too, these days.

Early Rounds

There are two big shocks in the early rounds, beginning with troubled St. Bernadine Football Team's dismal 0-0 home draw with third-tier strugglers Energia Niekerk, which leads to elimination on penalties, and the Triple-A are the first top flight team to go out. In the second round plucky Scarab St. Bernadine shock BSSC, who are having a season to forget under Jon Dewulf. OSA go out in the second round after a narrow defeat at Boldsea FC, while Sturm Havn suffer the same fate, in more dramatic circumstances, getting battered 6-2 by the Bonesmen in the third round. Perhaps the most fun to be had anywhere was in the first round was at the Axis Arena, Driessche - and you don't say that very often. Die Totalitaristen strikers were queueing up for goals in an 8-3 rout of Nova Tijhuis, with Equestria veteran striker Juliusz Mihajlovic, 36, hitting four of them.

First Round

             Urban Irminger 3–1 McCunnald FC
                 Sturm Havn 5–3 Stadler Works
               Ravenser Odd 0–2 Benson Foxes
                  Hibernien 4–2 HKB Merzberg
         Tijhuis Archimedes 5–2 Wijnward Olympia
          VF Nibelungengraf 2–0 Roterlicht Knokschäft
St. Bernadine Football Team 0–0 Energia Niekerk 		(0–0 AET) (5–6 pen.)	
             Axis Driessche 8–3 Nova Tijhuis
        Schwarz-Weiss Thöni 1–2 Immenmold
             Social Städeli 1–4 HPV Waallen
        Lokomotiv Devengein 0–1 VF Merzberg
            Völker Merzberg 2–6 AZ Exloërveen
                Raven Thöni 2–1 1860 Delénacht
                 FC Städeli 5–1 Schwänenclub
         Tulip Maartenstadt 2–0 Orping-Tinkers
       Scarab St. Bernadine 4–1 St. Bernadine Astronomical
        Boilinghouse Nettle 2–2 St. Bernadine Academical 	(3–3 AET) (1–3 pen.)
                 Boldsea FC 3–3 VF Romainring 			(5–3 AET)
    Five Star St. Bernadine 3–1 Súlan Gannet
              Motor Waallen 2–3 Fortuna Städeli
     Mount Shilling Casuals 3–3 FFC Mesocyclone 		(3–3 AET) (3–4 pen.)
        Olimpia Oranjestadt 3–0 Achilles Portugaal
       Rankfelden Cardinals 1–1 FZK-Amstell 			(1–1 AET) (2–3 pen.)
           Löwen Bessendorf 0–4 De Tike FC
           Rot-Westenweiler 0–3 BSSC Driessche
         Helvétique Rangers 1–0 St. Gight's Albion
                   Zotteeik 5–2 Meteor Maartenstadt
               OSA-Cyclista 4–2 AZ-Tjaart 54
             Rotor Küsneuve 3–1 Esterden Reds
            Torpedo Tijhuis 0–2 Lada Tijhuis
          Dandelion Town FC 5–1 Trojan Portugaal
    Watling Street Ramblers 1–1 St. Bernadine Apollo 		(2–1 AET)

Second Round

       Scarab St. Bernadine 3–2 BSSC Driessche						
            Fortuna Städeli 0–0 Helvétique Rangers 		(1–1 AET) (2–4 pen.)
                  Hibernien 2–2 Rotor Küsneuve 			(2–2 AET) (5–4 pen.)
                  Immenmold 0–1 Urban Irminger
    Watling Street Ramblers 1–2 Benson Foxes
                 Boldsea FC 2–1 OSA-Cyclista						
          Dandelion Town FC 0–2 Tijhuis Archimedes
               Lada Tijhuis 1–1 De Tike FC 			(1–1 AET) (9–10 pen.)
                HPV Waallen 3–2 Olimpia Oranjestadt
    Five Star St. Bernadine 7–3 AZ Exloërveen
   St. Bernadine Academical 1–1 Axis Driessche 			(1–1 AET) (3–4 pen.)
                Raven Thöni 2–2 VF Merzberg 			(3–2 AET)
         Tulip Maartenstadt 5–3 Energia Niekerk
                 Sturm Havn 2–0 FZK-Amstell
                 FC Städeli 3–1 VF Nibelungengraf
            FFC Mesocyclone 1–3 Zotteeik

Third Round

         Helvétique Rangers 2–3 De Tike FC
                HPV Waallen 3–1 Raven Thöni
             Axis Driessche 2–3 Benson Foxes
                 FC Städeli 6–3 Urban Irminger
         Tijhuis Archimedes 5–2 Tulip Maartenstadt
                   Zotteeik 5–1 Scarab St. Bernadine
                 Boldsea FC 6–2 Sturm Havn						
    Five Star St. Bernadine 1–0 Hibernien

All the big clubs arrive from the interregional group stages for a shot at Cup glory and there is barely a fixture that doesn't raise an eyebrow - fourteen of the eighteen top flight clubs are in the 'Octofinals'. Title rivals Septentriennes and Old Shakerssens coming together at Sept-Nat Stadion is perhaps the pick of the bunch, while double holders HPV Waallen have a home tie against injury-ravaged Standard Lily. Both Lig-2 sides will travel away, and it's difficult to say who gets the harder deal - Five Star will go to FC Städeli, while Benson Foxes will play last season's finalists Napoleon at Bonaparte Lane.

Normarque Nothing™ Tax Cup Octofinal Draw

                 FC Städeli vs. Five Star St. Bernadine
     Napoleon St. Bernadine vs. Benson Foxes
                HPV Waallen vs. Standard Lily
                 Orchideeën vs. Boldsea FC
             Septentriennes vs. Old Shakerssens
                  Deltic FC vs. ASMV St. Bernadine
                   Zotteeik vs. Kierhuizen Boys
         Tijhuis Archimedes vs. De Tike FC

Sack Race
Manager Ins & Outs

National team loss is Frigates gain but Magnus' loss too

With the former national team manager waiting in the wings there was always going to be pressure on the head coaches at the big clubs who might be lining up a swoop. And that club was FC Städeli, inevitably, as their brief renaissance under Magnus Rüfenacht last season came to an end and they are seriously eyeing a relegation fight. The Frigates weren't going to hang around too long and lose him to someone else - St. Bernadine Football Team were waiting in the wings, apparently - so Magnus gets the chop heading into the winter break, with FC Städeli in big difficulties. Apparently, Nelis has already suggested the club spring the 'Pay-In' clause - never before used - that allows club to pay a vast sum of money to FA-Tax to be excluded from relegation. He doesn't sound especially confident in his squad.

Round 20: Magnus Rüfenacht, FC Städeli; replaced by Nelis Fijnwever

Out Next?: Nelo Holzer, OSA-Cyclista - 1/4 at TaxBet
Expecting to push on after a decent season, OSA are going backwards, and Nelo may be on his bike before too long.

Sick Notes
Injury News From The SteuerLig

Standard down to the bare bones

Old Shakerssen's will enjoy an unexpected boost after the winter break, when winger Christiaan van der Riet, 32, will return early from his expected season out with anterior confidence ligament failure, where the knee is physically fine but no longer has confidence in itself. It seems some solid counselling has brought it round and with higher knee-esteem, Christiaan is ready to rock and roll. Three big losses for the season are keeper Umé Alenaggo at ASMV, left back Horatio Govaerts at Standard and as mentioned before, the extension of sick leave for Georg Bardo, failing to recover from bilateral temporal shin drift. Other big players set to sit on the sidelines for a bit are Laurent Lapix and Ang Bao Kana at Standard, who having made progress after a dismal start are now sweating on squad depth. Deltic FC, who certainly don't have the squad depth, are hit with the loss of Alfie Alderskell and Onun Tasher, and that is bad news for them. Orchideeën are going to have to learn to play without Aslak Hrafninnsson next season, as he has announced his retirement, and they will get a dress rehearsal as he misses the next few games with Late-Career Neck Strain From Excessive Shirt-Pulling, a common hazard for your slower, older defenders.

Confirmed retired through injury
ST Rik Dam			33	St. Bernadine Football Team

Major players with long-term injuries
Career-threatening:
ML Arrigo Napoleoni		26	FC Städeli
ML Hersham Taine (DLT*)		21 	Deltic FC

Out for the season:
DC Diedrich Billing		21		OSA-Cyclista
DC Junior Cavatta		26 OSS		Old Shakerssens
GK Umé Alenaggo			29 MNO*		ASMV St.Bernadine
DL Horatio Govaerts		27		Standard Lily
ST Georg Bardo			35 PUG		Septentriennes		

Recovered early from expected season out:
MR Christiaan van der Riet	32		Old Shakerssens

Key players to miss a spell
ML Alfie Alderskell		24 DLT*		Deltic FC
AM Onun Tasher  		26 DLT*		Deltic FC
DC Aslak Hrafninnsson		33 PIS		Orchideeën
DM Laurent Lapix		30 RCN		Standard Lily
ST Ang Bao Kana			24 FFD		Standard Lily
MR Gennady Tikhokhod		22 PYA		FC Städeli
DL Reinout ten Cate		27		De Tike FC
ST Caspar Kinderman		26 PIS		De Tike FC
DM Sjaak Hallie			25		Kierhuizen Boys
DC Silas St Kew			25 WGT*		BSSC Driessche
ML Issaka Guindo		26 ZGA*		BSSC Driessche
DR Dierck Lier	   		25		Zotteeik

Injury Time
The Spijkerhuis Prize

A self-congratulatory award gone astray

It's Round 10 Weekend of the Solitary Soccer League, the last set of matches of the 'first phase' in the SteuerLig's three-plus-a-bit phase system. Kierhuizen Boys, top of the league, travel away to second-place FC Städeli. The Boys are unbeaten, while The Frigates are still unbeaten at home. In a tense, if not very attractive game, Nanko Kijk in 't Veld's visitors see out a victory despite a late rally from the home side, winning 2-1. They finish the first phase eight points clear at the top, the only unbeaten side in the SSL. There is a serious championship feel to this revitalised squad, led by the scoring antics of new young Saterunian striker Aleksander Vivić alongside academy products Quinten van Raalte and Rinus van de Haar. You couldn't have missed it really - chief exec and the club owner's son Pier Spijkerhuis, of the sports car fame*, has been banging on about it all season, getting harder to ignore with each game. After the win at the Städeli arena, Pier announced the Spijkerhuis Prize, a new fund given to FA-Tax to be awarded to the last SteuerLig club unbeaten - a hefty ₸x100m-shilling war chest, tax free (of course) designed as a way of getting his pocket money into the club without breaking Level Playing Field (LPF) rules. Of course when just about every club has virtually unlimited funding, the LPF exists in a different kind of consensual form, but that's not the point. Big money transfer, no rules broken.

Anyway.

The first game of Phase 2 - it's Round 11 Weekend, and the Boys are home to Standard Lily, who are in the relegation zone with their worst start in SteuerLig history, and head coach Joseph Moteudi just having received the dreaded vote of confidence from the board. It's another pretty poor game - and Standard win 1-0, snatching a goal in the 23rd minute against the run of play, and defending for their lives for the rest of the game. Nevermind. The Boys are still out in front at the top, and they will still get the Spijkerhuis Prize... won't they? Well, Pier obviously wasn't paying much attention to the new sponsorship system, or it confused him, or something. He offered the prize to the last unbeaten team in the SteuerLig - which runs to four divisions these days. On match weekend 11 in Lig-4, top of the table Torpedo Tijhuis travelled away to second placed Schwarz-Weiss Thöni and won 4-2. They were 11 games unbeaten. The following week they would lose 4-2 at home themselves, to new Lig-4 leaders Hibernien. But the point is, they were the last team standing. And FA-Tax insisted. The ₸x100m-shilling prize goes to tiny Torpedo Tijhuis. How embarrassing for Pier Spijkerhuis... and he's signed a ten year contract with FA-Tax, which he's now deposited at his lawyers for consultation on break points.

The Wide Enness Ocean
The key to Wightling puppetry
* Nationalities marked with an asterisk are part of the Wightling Commonwealth:

AAN  Aaan              HUI  Huaite             NYY  Namayyan                   SOY  Soyo
AUR  Auronne           HVM  Hvammstang         OSM  Osmania                    TAM  Tamarindia
BBS  Barbary Salé      IDM  Íle de Martín      PLV  Palava                     TEQ  Tequilo
BEO  Beomark           IPN  Ipanema            POI  Poix                       TRQ  Terraque
BOH  Bohobe            JLA  Jelah              PSI  Portsea & Spice Islands    URQ  Uraqq		
BSE  Bonesea           KKA  Kukalaya           RRP  République Rivière         USO  Usorno		
CMU  Chímu             MAK  Makongo            RSG  Royal Saxe-Gotha           WGT  Wight	
COS  Costelloa         MNO  Monozygotia        RXX  Rosicruxxia                XIN  Xindao	
CRN  Cernan            MPK  Malproksimen       SCG  Scéalta Grinn              ZGA  Zenega	 
DLT  Delte             MUS  Mustardy           SCY  Scythia                    ZZR  Zykotik Zoviet Republicz	
HSP  Hispanola         NIB  Nibelunga          SLT  Saltern Island		

OOC  The Wightling Commonwealth, of which Taxhavn is also a member, is the commonwealth of Wightling puppets.
OBV.

by **Taxhavn** » Tue Feb 17, 2026 1:47 am

* OOC: I'm very happy to announce the RL partnership with User:Gnejs in the production of the SteuerLig sportswire, or TAX Magazine Sports Desk as I sometimes call it. As the writer behind both Gnejs and Seeberg, I feel we have one of the best and most under-appreciated RPers on board for the SteuerLig. I hope in the future NSS gets more storied nations from Gnejs, it's a duller place without them - but for now at least, we can enjoy football tourists Karl-Johan, Knut and Hardly-Knut directly from the pen (or keyboard) of their original creator.

The Football Tourists
An outside view from the inside

TAX Magazine welcomes our new contributor[s] to the sports desk

These segments are written by our by now well-known affiliates, dog-walker Karl-Johan Vaasa (63) and his good friend Knut Svensson (65), aided, of course, in no small measure by his dog Hardly-Knut.

The concept of Karl-Johan and Knut, and Hardly-Knut, themselves chronicling their relentless quest to visit every ground and stadium on the isles, was of course devised to allow readers to continue experiencing the timeless charm of these vagabonds, now in their own words.

However, it was also part of an ongoing efficiency and cost-cutting effort, seeing as Karl-Johan and Knut demanded no more compensation than the odd Shepherd's Pie, two pints of lager, and a muttonchop for Hardly-Knut, to go with whatever game they covered. They even declined the magazine’s offer to secure them proper lodgings on their travels, since “It’s not a proper away day if you spend the night,” as Karl-Johan resolutely put it.

It is safe to say all was most pleased with this arrangement.

In Our Own Words
A game of hard knocks up north

Nomark Nothing™ Tax Cup First Round: Torpedo Tijhuis 0–2 Lada Tijhuis

“God is nothing but the pain that resides in the fear of death”

A nihilist of sorts told me as much once. He was a strange young man. Pale as the tuchus of an albino rat basking in moonlight he was, and he had bulging eyes, «burning with a deranged hunger», as Hardly-Knut would’ve put it.

He lived in a nearby homeless shelter, back in Port Kejm, seemingly afflicted by a potent mixture of violent introspection and deep melancholia. He claimed to be an unjustly exiled prince of distant steppes. Hardly-Knut never trusted him, that’s for sure.

I don’t know if the young nihilist prince was of Zykotik origin, but I sure was reminded of him when we - myself, Karl-Johan and Hardly-Knut - had a chance to cheer for our second favorite team, as we covered yesterday’s Oranjestadt cup derby between Torpedo Tijhuis and Lada Tijhuis.

It was the visiting Ladas - as opposed to the hosting Torpedoes - that made me think of that passionate young man. They hail from 'Little Zykotika' in the Tijhuis district, you see, where the migrant Ruskos and Zykopats from the Zykotik Zoviet Republicz dwell in large numbers.

And it was something about them boys that felt familiar. I recognized that tendency to exist in a perpetual emotional rollercoaster, violently swinging between the highest peak of blissful ecstasy and the deepest gorge of dark depression.

We had the opportunity to experience this Déjà vu sensation due to two main factors.

One, TAX Magazine had set us up with great seats, just by the sideline (much obliged). Two, the Lada boys, much like the young prince, had a proclivity for screaming as their preferred mode of communication.

Karl-Johan also alerted me to another striking resemblance, namely the insistence on always using the full name of whoever you’re speaking (or rather, screaming) to. The alleged prince consequently did that, and several of the Lada boys did as well.

Or maybe it was just the generally questionable moral character?

It didn’t take long before the Déjà vu came a-knocking with full force either! Just about a minute or two into the game, a Lada wingback came rushing down the pitch, waving his hands and screaming frantically:

“Ilja Nikolaevitj Uljanov! My dearest and most beloved brother! Pass me the ball! I am open! Open like the mind of the condemned man who has not only been given his date of execution, but the very minute of his last breath! Hand me the ball, and I will deliver us a goal with the resoluteness of the enlightened man, the one who quenches his own life, not out of fear for death but rather to deliver death to fear itself, and thereby also to God himself!”

He never did get the ball, and his anger at this slight propelled the young wingback to viciously assault the offending teammate. Which was ironic, seeing as he and the rest of the team were celebrating the first Lada goal of the game.

It was a rough and scruffy game, boiling with barely contained violence. All from the Lada boys, of course, and more often than not their raging outbursts were directed at each other.

It was a derby though, Karl-Johan pointed out, where emotions run high and the man in charge tends to let the odd fistfight slide. Hardly-Knut disagreed, however, and barked his disapproval loudly. In the end, both me and Karl-Johan could do nothing but agree that the referee was being far too lenient.

It wasn't until the 15th minute of stoppage time that we were treated with a little flair. Despite being two men down, the Lada boys had managed to defend their advantage. And now they had somehow forced a corner in their offensive half.

The Torpedo Tijhuis box erupted into an intense cacophony, as every available Lada player (even the goalkeeper!) came rushing in and shouted for their teammate to give them the ball.

One of them stood out, and screamed the loudest (quite the accomplishment). He was a mountain of a man, towering high above the rest. His bald head was steaming, and he had a tormented look on his face. And unlike his teammates, he was instead most adamant about not getting the ball. We could hear him clearly:

“Berend Mathijs Wettering-Sprottle! The unbearable burden of existence is about to overcome me completely and fully! I must under no circumstance be given the ball! Keep your corner away from me, Berend Mathijs Wettering-Sprottle! Do not even consider sending the ball to the back post for I am in no state to receive it! The pestle of God is slowly grinding me into dust, pushing me relentlessly up against the mortar of the universe and I feel the fabric of my soul decaying rapidly! Away! Away! Keep the ball away from me!”

The ball ended up with the tall bald man, of course, and it goes without saying he scored with his head from close range. Upon scoring, he completely collapsed under the weight of celebrating Lada boys.

As the final whistle sounded, the bald man managed to claw his way out from under the pile of bodies and headbutt his assisting teammate.

Hardly-Knut only shook his head.

Penned by: Knut Svensson (65)

1860 Chasing Return To Lig-1
Soapy Lucre Lig-2 Update

Helvétique Rangers the surprise package so far

As the season begins to define itself going into the Winter Break, the second tier is looking rather unpredictable still as division favourites Raven Thöni encounter a serious dip in form to drop outside the automatic promotion spots, and they will dread another battle in the play-offs given the disappointment last time around. Last season's relegated sides are beginning to make an impression, while FZK are in crisis after a strong start.


   Soapy Lucre Lig-2            Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD    Win %    Win %   Pts 
 1 1860 Delénacht                20   12   4   4    45   38   +7    0.700    0.600    40
 2 Helvétique Rangers            20   11   4   5    53   32  +21    0.650    0.550    37
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 3 Benson Foxes                  20   10   6   4    49   36  +13    0.650    0.500    36
 4 Raven Thöni                   20   11   1   8    46   41   +5    0.575    0.550    34
 5 Motor Waallen                 20    9   5   6    51   43   +8    0.575    0.450    32
 6 St. Bernadine Academical      20    9   4   7    42   37   +5    0.550    0.450    31
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 7 Löwen Bessendorf              20    9   4   7    39   38   +1    0.550    0.450    31
 8 FZK-Amstell                   20    8   6   6    36   38   −2    0.550    0.400    30
 9 Watling Street Ramblers       20    8   5   7    39   41   −2    0.525    0.400    29
10 Dandelion Town FC             20    8   5   7    33   30   +3    0.525    0.400    29
11 Urban Irminger                20    7   7   6    44   44    0    0.525    0.350    28
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
12 St. Gight's Albion            20    6   8   6    43   37   +6    0.500    0.300    26
13 HKB Merzberg                  20    6   6   8    32   41   −9    0.450    0.300    24
14 Fortuna Städeli               20    5   7   8    42   42    0    0.425    0.250    22
15 Five Star St. Bernadine       20    6   3  11    42   54  −12    0.375    0.300    21
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
16 Schwänenclub                  20    5   5  10    36   50  −14    0.375    0.250    20
17 McCunnald FC                  20    3   5  12    39   49  −10    0.275    0.150    14
18 VF Nibelungengraf             20    3   3  14    33   53  −20    0.225    0.150    12

Cardinals Above All
Molineux Goats Cheese Lig-2 Update

Immenmold not far behind

Relegated duet VF Romainring and Rotor Küsneuve are beginning to drift after strong starts and will be looking to improve things after a good rest; at the Romainring all the talk is of separation from their masters Deltic FC to stop the shocking decline since they became junior partner.


   Molineux Goats Cheese Lig-3  Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD    Win %    Win %   Pts 
 1 Rankfelden Cardinals          20   13   4   3    44   29  +15    0.750    0.650    43
 2 Immenmold                     20   12   4   4    48   35  +13    0.700    0.600    40
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 3 VF Romainring                 20   12   2   6    59   40  +19    0.650    0.600    38
 4 Rotor Küsneuve                20   11   5   4    57   39  +18    0.675    0.550    38
 5 Axis Driessche                20   10   8   2    58   42  +16    0.700    0.500    38 * No promotion allowed
 6 FFC Mesocyclone               20   11   4   5    49   36  +13    0.650    0.550    37
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 7 Boilinghouse Nettle           20    9   9   2    57   36  +21    0.675    0.450    36
 8 Rot-Westenweiler              20   10   5   5    50   40  +10    0.625    0.500    35
 9 VF Merzberg                   20   10   1   9    56   55   +1    0.525    0.500    31
10 Tulip Maartenstadt            20    6   8   6    36   37   −1    0.500    0.300    26
11 Olimpia Oranjestadt           20    6   8   6    36   39   −3    0.500    0.300    26
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
12 Roterlicht Knokschäft         20    7   4   9    41   44   −3    0.450    0.350    25
13 Stadler Works                 20    5   7   8    41   51  −10    0.425    0.250    22
14 Scarab St. Bernadine          20    4   4  12    34   51  −17    0.300    0.200    16
15 AZ Exloërveen                 20    3   5  12    29   49  −20    0.275    0.150    14
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
16 Orping-Tinkers                20    3   2  15    28   55  −27    0.200    0.150    11
17 Energia Niekerk               20    2   5  13    31   54  −23    0.225    0.100    11
18 Achilles Portugaal            20    3   1  16    34   56  −22    0.175    0.150    10

Hibernien Ambitions Clear
Trumpanzee Garbage Lig-4 Update

Torpedo lose unbeaten record

A 2-4 home reverse against divisional favourites Hibernien in Round 12 ended the last unbeaten run in the league for Torpedo, with Kierhuizen Boys the only other unbeaten team going into the second phase, but losing - also at home, 0-1 against Standard Lily - in the round before. They win the new Spijkerhuis Prize in controversial circumstances. Meanwhile, at the foot of Mount Shilling, the Casuals are making less of a fuss as they quietly emerge as promotion candidates.


   Trumpanzee Garbage Lig-4     Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD    Win %    Win %   Pts 
 1 Hibernien                     20   12   5   3    58   32  +26    0.725    0.600    41
 2 Mount Shilling Casuals        20   11   7   2    44   28  +16    0.725    0.550    40
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 3 Torpedo Tijhuis               20   11   6   3    54   42  +12    0.700    0.550    39
 4 St. Bernadine Apollo          20   11   5   4    46   35  +11    0.675    0.550    38
 5 Esterden Reds                 20   10   8   2    43   32  +11    0.700    0.500    38
 6 Súlan Gannet                  20   11   3   6    51   36  +15    0.625    0.550    36
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 7 AZ-Tjaart 54                  20    9   4   7    57   42  +15    0.550    0.450    31
 8 Nova Tijhuis                  20    9   1  10    43   51   −8    0.475    0.450    28
 9 Schwarz-Weiss Thöni           20    8   4   8    41   47   −6    0.500    0.400    28
10 Lada Tijhuis                  20    7   7   6    65   51  +14    0.525    0.350    28
11 St. Bernadine Astronomical    20    7   7   6    54   51   +3    0.525    0.350    28
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
12 Meteor Maartenstadt           20    7   6   7    40   40    0    0.500    0.350    27
13 Trojan Portugaal              20    7   3  10    46   49   −3    0.425    0.350    24
14 Lokomotiv Devengein           20    4   6  10    37   55  −18    0.350    0.200    18
15 Wijnward Olympia              20    3   8   9    35   56  −21    0.350    0.150    17
16 Social Städeli                20    3   4  13    39   61  −22    0.250    0.150    13
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
17 Völker Merzberg               20    2   4  14    23   48  −25    0.200    0.100    10
18 Ravenser Odd                  20    1   6  13    35   55  −20    0.200    0.050     9

by **Taxhavn** » Wed Feb 18, 2026 9:35 am

The Winter Break
Now Is The Season of Our Discount Tents

The SteuerLig takes a little holiday

It's that time of the year between the autumn and spring schedules when The SteuerLig closes down for a few weeks in order for the players to get off on their trips for mid-season 'training camps' in warmer climes, like the sandy beaches of Ipanema or the plush pasturelands of southern Mustardy. At TAX Magazine we get no such lucky sunshine breaks and here on the sports desk we've been preparing a few articles to keep everyone going in the absence of some half-decent football. Terrorist and assassin for the Rake Teinton Women's Institute Brenda Bymmins is still on the run - but that doesn't seem to have discouraged chief target and Deltic football coach Enda Clentin, who has miraculously found his voice again. What's he doing now? What is the Winter Shield, and who won it? How are the referees performing, especially in games involving The Dragons of ASMV? What's the winter rule set all about? Read on to find out this, and more.

TL;NGR
• Septentriennes win the National Porridge Winter Shield
• Enda Clentin Speaks Up
• Custodio Reverso Catches A Cold
• Winter Rules Explained

The National Porridge Winter Shield
The Champions, If We Stopped Now

Septentriennes, from Boldsea FC

It might be the most pointless trophy in football since the demise of the Vilitan Invitational or the Vilitoto as we like to call it. Of course there was the Waterloo Cup, which was awarded to the SteuerLig team that won qualification to the FFI Confederations Trophy - that was pretty pointless for a while when there was no Confed, and FA-Tax tried to make the Waterloo Cup a thing in itself as compensation. But then luckily the Indussians dropped a raid on the old FFI-HQ in the shabby caravan on a potato farm, and now they're running the show and the Confed is back, so the Waterloo Cup at least has a meaning again. But could there be anything more meaningless than the Winter Shield, for the team top of the league at the start of the winter break? Possibly not.

Anyway.

Septentriennes are the second winners of the new trophy - now sponsored by National Porridge - sitting proudly at the top of Lig-1 on Bitterfrost Night (the first day of winter in the Wightling calendar). What will it mean? Is it a sign they will win the league? Will it become a curse that no-one wants, because of some random statistic that says no-one wins the league in the middle of the season? Only time will tell - last season, the first winners Orchideeën failed to hold on to their position at the top, finishing a close second in the end, to Septentriennes, of course... is that significant in any way? Probably not.

While we're here, we should have a quick look at the rest of the table. How is the season shaping up? Right behind The Bankers, Boldsea FC are springing something of a surprise return to challenging ways under Wightling head coach Irin Kelly, who replaced cheeky chappy Mosey Ackanard during the summer - after a promising start in their first season, the franchise team had a rotten season last year, finding themselves in the new relegation play-off mix. But they seem to be back to dominant ways against all expectations, and after winning the transfer window with key signings, they certainly can be praised for their recruiting ability. Prising super striker Jeroen Blenkers from Orchideeën really has paid off.

Speaking of The Nurserymen, the perennial title challengers are not far off the top sitting in fifth place, with last seasons other champions league qualifiers Old Shakerssens and Kierhuizen Boys also well in the mix. Sebastien Menager's HPV are looking strong too, and following back-to-back cup wins will want to transmute that strength into the league - so far, you'd have to say job done. Less so for De Tike FC, who seemed like they were on an upward trajectory after last season's Challenger's Cup qualification, but they and recent double-champions Deltic FC have been sluggish so far. For the Exiles, that young squad might be full of future talent, but at the moment they just lack a bit of the old nous that had seen them win so much over the last decade and a half. This could well be the team of the approaching Naughties, but for now, they are just a little out of their depth.

The big news in the huge relegation pool is FC Städeli, like Deltic a recent double champion but now hopelessly embroiled in a certain kind of mediocrity that could actually land them in a bit of trouble. Only three points off automatic relegation, there is rumour they are so worried about their downturn they are considering using the recent pay-to-stay regulation: depositing ₸x200-million Tax Shillings before the final round of the season will allow them to remain in the top flight regardless of their final position. They are not the only ones panicking, even if they are the biggest team down there - directionless St. Bernadine Football Team, their superclub dream in tatters, are perhaps the least surprising surprise relegation candidate, and where will that leave their half-secret plans to form a strategic alliance with the kind of sponsor no-one could even possibly imagine, supposedly beginning next season?

And finally, how are the two promoted sides doing? For Napoleon, they are where you might expect to find them - struggling a little bit to adapt. But they have not been terrible, and they do seem to be getting better as the season moves on. Highly-rated coaching partners Emma Town and Matias Paulson are not panicking; they look like they have enough in their playbook to haul themselves away from the drop. As for their promotion rivals ASMV, you would think a mid-table position just on the edge of the big time IFCF places would constitute a good season for them - and it probably does, officially - but most of us had half an eye on how the referees were going to perform in their games, and so far, there hasn't been too much to raise an eyebrow about. Perhaps they are trying not to be too obviously in cahoots with the Men in Black (or purple, or teal), or perhaps it's all simply an urban myth that they have bribed their way to the Solitary Soccer League. In any case, there haven't been too many odd calls, and they are doing alright. Key striker Henry Lightman, the Deltic wonderkid that had everyone wondering what happened to him, is having a decent season too - finally beginning to realise his potential.

The Clench
Enda, Emlyn & The Blymmin Cable Corporation

The Continuing Adventures of Enda Clentin

The Deltic Uncivil War is over! The Rake Teinton Women's Institute are defeated! Huzzah!

In this series we have charted the second coming of Deltic coach Enda Clentin, inventor of the World Cup-winning Stoicpress, successful head coach of Delte and Gnejs, victim of the Uncivil War who nearly died several times of drowning, head injuries and bullet wounds - mostly inflicted by his ex-missus Brenda, who is still at large. But what has happened since that rainy Tuesday night in Esterden a year ago, when she climbed a floodlight in the Gold Star vs. Casuals Southern League match with a hunting rifle, shot Enda in the ear, the collar bone, the playbook, and the ring finger, accidentally shot substitute Marco Swan (who was sat on the bench) in the knee, and killed club mascot Ferdinand the Squirrel (an actual squirrel, mind you) with a stray shot before climbing down, bamboozling spectators and potential interceptors Karl-Johan Vaasa (63) and his good friend Knut Svensson (65), and made off into the dark?

«Well,» explained Gnejsian tourist and dog-walker Karl-Johan, «first thing the next day, we went to immigration to apply for dual citizenship, so that if the chance ever came again, we would be able to effect a legitimate citizen's arrest.»

«I have to say they were more than helpful at the Department of Imports and Immigrations,» added Knut, «what with us having overstayed our tourist visa, by - what was it Karl-Johan - nearly a year?»

«Oh, four and a half, I think.»

«Anyway... (as you nice folks say in Taxhavn!) They were very understanding about it, what with the Prosaic Union Exemption Act and everything, and we soon had our new gold-coloured passports.»

Um. I mean, what has happened to The Clench, and all that?

«Oh, right yes, sorry, The Clench. Of course. We'll let you carry on. Sorry.»

So.

We should cut now to a new scene, and consider for a moment the children. They always get overlooked in these sort of acrimonious separations but I think it's important to ask, how is Emlyn coping with all this?

Emlyn Blymmins, you will recall if you followed the Deltic-Gnejsian World Cup collaborations, is the darling son of Brenda, and before the Uncivil War he was The Only Cable Guy in The Valley. When Enda invented remote video coaching so that he could run the Gnejsian national team without leaving the green and pleasant comforts of the valley, it was Emlyn who provided the technical brilliance to wire them all up and connect them across the multiverse, from his studio in the spare room at his Mum's house. That's how Enda and Brenda came to be a thing. You might also recall Emlyn was a bit of a whiner, but we won't hold that against him - after all, his mother, as it turns out, was something of an overbearing anti-counter-revoluntionary split-personality coercive cold-hearted psychopathic pro-WI killer and he had been somewhat mollicoddled in his upbringing. Getting away to the Prosaic Union to wire up the Dandelions for remote coaching was probably the best thing that could've happened to him, and he never really came home. By the time the Uncivil War kicked off and mother had her work cut out knocking off counter-revolutionary journalists and former government administrators, Emlyn really fancied a change of scenery and despite offers to make YouBend Propaganda videos for the WI-Truth channel, he went off to Taxhavn to work for Xylon Grimm, media mogul and owner of the Standard Lily football club.

His mother would be proud... if she cared a jot. Emlyn founded the BCC, the Blymmin Cable Corporation, with the backing of Grimm TV, and the rest is history. The BCC has been a growing sports media technology company, and in the next round of rights deals for the Solitary Soccer League and the rest of the SteuerLig they are expected to be the preferred bidder for a multi-billion Tax Shilling broadcast package. Emlyn is still a bit whiney - truth be told - but he's well on the way to making a twelve-figure paycheck as head of the BCC, alongside his good buddy Xylon. How is he feeling about his estranged mom and step-dad these days?

In a statement to investigators he claimed ambivalence toward his mother, suggesting he'd had no contact and definitely wasn't assisting her in evading the law since the shooting or the international courts of human rights since the fall of the WI in the Valley of the River Delte. Not a word, he claims. Nonono.

But of Enda, it is a happier story. Reunited in the aftermath of The Clench being washed-up near dead on the shores of Taxhavn, Emlyn and his step-father have become a happy family of two. Insiders claim that Emlyn appreciates the old man's moral guidance and warm personality, neither of which he benefitted from growing up the son of a single mother and gun-for-hire. He had never known his real father, who disappeared - or, in hindsight, was probably disappeared - while Emlyn was still a babe; to all intents and purposes the coming of Enda into his life was the first fathering he had, and he remains devoted to his step-old man.

After the shooting that blew the top of his ear off and broke his shoulder, Enda yelped furiously with the pain, and complained bitterly all the way to the hospital in the back of the ambulance about his dislocated knuckle. It was only in Accident and Emergency, as they were looking over his records, and Emlyn came charging in to make sure his step-old man was ok, that they all realised he'd got his voice back - he'd been mute of course since the last time Brenda tried to kill him, with the hammer.

'Jesus H. Gomez!' cried Emlyn with relief, when he saw the bloodied old man was going to be alright.

'Now then, Emlyn,' said The Clench, 'you know I don't like you cussing like that, especially around the nurses.'

Enda took time out from his job as head coach of Mount Shilling Casuals to recuperate in the palatial apartments of his step-son, where they were joined by injured substitute Marco Swann, who had his knee blown out in the crossfire and was forced to retire. Although initially employed as Emlyn's butler, his limp was so bad that by the end of the day he was a little precarious on his feet, so they redeployed him into the data division of Blymmin Sport, where he could sit and watch football matches all day and learn how to edit for the upcoming broadcast deal. As for Enda - well, now he's got his voice back, he's considering a move back into management at a higher level than Mount Shilling Casuals. And oh look, they just fired the National Team head coach Nelis Fijnwever after another debacle at the IAC...

The Measure of a Man Is Six Yards Wide
Notes From The Goal Line

The Continuing Adventures of Custodio Reverso

Oh Fortuna, Thou Art A Fickle Slut: I think it's fair to say - in hindsight - that new head coach at Fortuna Städeli, Jamie Watson, was not impressed with the club's latest signing Custodio Reverso, who arrived at The Fort for a whopping ₸x9.25m tax shillings. The Farv keeper's transfer was a record fee not only for the club but for the second tier. It was only a year after his record signing for Kierhuizen Boys, for a four times as whopping ₸x39m which was also the record SteuerLig transfer of all time and the highest international window fee in a decade. He'd played four times for The Boys before being dropped, went out on emergency loan to Zotteeik who had three injured keepers, but didn't play as two of them miraculously recovered after he'd arrived even if they did have to play propped up to the goalpost with plaster casts on. When he got back to the Steelenstadion, they'd already agreed a fee in principle with relegated Fortuna, who were hoping for an instant return to the top flight with the 31-year old potential superkeeper at the helm.

Three weeks into training, he caught a dose of 'Crocodile Flu' - Influenza Lacertilia-Lacrimosa - and was told he would miss the whole season. A rare respiratory virus that causes the tear ducts to overproduce and convulsive diaphragmatic spasms, resulting in constant, heavy sobbing regardless of the patient's actual mood. While physically manageable, the demonstrative symptoms make it impossible for a footballer to see the ball or maintain any authority in the dressing room. Custodio is also suffering from the common complication of chronic glottal expansion, making it impossible for him to swallow his pride or follow a tactical instruction without gasping for air - it is now suspected this was a precursor virus that he may have already been carrying whilst on duty for Kierhuizen Boys and Zotteeik. Nine months of rest and rehabilitation with a few dubious jabs should sort him out, although Fortuna are considering transfer listing him at that time to recover at least a little of the ₸x9m+ shillings they forked out for 'the big babbie' as team-mate and hard-man Tyr Tadoe has been quoted off the record. On the record, it get's even worse.

'It's the only thing he's caught all season,' observed his head coach, Jamie Watson.

A Higher Goal
And No Offside
The Winter Rule Set Explained

To cheer everyone up and encourage more fans to come out on a wet and windy Tuesday night in Andossa St. Bernadine Vegas, FA-Tax decided some years ago to introduce a unique approach to winter football - a temporary change to the rules, for ten rounds of the SteuerLig season, which favours attacking football and in particular gives greater advantage to strikers, increasing the expected goals factor to an average of 8.75 and a half per match, whatever that even means. For most of the season, from kick-off through to the winter break before round 21 of 34 in the season, football on the island follows the multiversally-agreed Standardised Quotidian International System, or SQIS, of which I am sure you are eminently familiar even if you couldn't precisely quote the regulations. The standardised system is fine, of course - it's probably why we all love football so much; but at FA-Tax they hark back nostalgically to a time before, when teams played seven up front and the newspaper always needed extra space to list all the goalscorers of any given fixture. 'Let's have some of that when the chill sets in,' said Mert de Reeckonaere, the league's commissioner, one day when he was bored and needed something to do. With a team of experts, he came up with the New Simplicity For Strikers plan, making it much easier for teams to score multiple goals per game - or the NSFS Multiplier Ruleset, as Mert likes to call it.

No offside, 15 yard distance from free kicks, yardage penalties for additional minor infractions, goalkeepers replaced by outfield players to defend penalty kicks, much cheaper penalty kick thresholds, non-contact defending, acceptable shoulder barging by offensive players... plenty of adjustments to favour the attacking teams and create goals goals goals - it's chaos unleashed, and unusually for FA-Tax, it comes with the full seal of approval from fans (except for those of the one team that, sometime between rounds 21 and 30, will concede ten or more goals in an utter humiliation). It happens somewhere pretty much every winter. We love it.

For the season run-in, from rounds 31 to 34, rules revert back to the international standard as comedy football is set aside for the more serious business of trying to win the league/the cup/promotion/a game/some dignity/anything at all. It's a unique approach to domestic football organisation and probably one the IFCF regulators privately frowns upon, whilst at the same time wishing they could have their own fifteen goals a game cake and eat it. Rumours of a new system in early phases of development, code-named the Lepidopterological Integrated Support for Attackers or the LISA system, that is setting analytical minds a-flutter at IFCF-HQ, might be the answer to FA-Tax's peculiar operating system. Following multiple scorigamis in the last World Cup, LISA is promising a SteuerLig Winter Blowout for everyone... always.

by **Taxhavn** » Thu Feb 19, 2026 11:11 pm

SteuerLig-99
Part 3/4: A Freezing Cold Tuesday Night In Orping-Tike

Winter is here on the Isle of Taxhavn, although I have to repeat that headline is for dramatic effect only, as it never gets freezing cold at these latitudes. It's just a way of saying the mid-season break is over, and battle recommences as we approach the sharp end of the season. As is a regular feature of the league now, to cheer fans up FA-Tax change some of the rules around defending, offside, acceptable shoulder barging and so on in effort to bring more goals. Called the 'NSFS (New Simplification For Strikers) Goals Multiplier' rule set, the idea is more goals will encourage fans to brave the downpours, and it certainly did bring more goals. Poor old BSSC Driessche - this has not been good for their goal-ravaged defense.

TL;NGR
• Title is Septentriennes' to lose
• And it could be a double, with the Bankers in the Cup semis
• ASMV reach the Liga-B Champions Trophy final
• Standard Lily to meet Taxhavn City (...who?) in the Confederations Trophy final
• Old Shakerssens beat BSSC 13-3 in the league
• Several teams spring the pay-off clause
• Some other useful stuff, maybe

In Others Words
The Anger Mismanagement Podcast

Cheeky chappy former Boldsea FC head coach and resident Solitary Soccer League observational comic Mosey Ackanard goes head-to-head with Septentriennes' Gnejsian superstriker and football philosopher Georg Bardo in the most-listened to double-act of the season.

«The possession-based game is no more complicated than the Baker’s percentage of a good loaf, but of course you need to factor in the wet-to-dry ratio of your starter to calculate the true balance.»

- Georg Bardo, the title-winning marksman and ex-pat resident of St. Bernadine City, co-owner of Dandelion Town FC and all-round absurdist thinker grapples with the tactical choices that must be made during the Winter Break and whether it's worth going to a four up front given the size of the goals.

'Georg thinks tactics are a new kind of mint.'

- Mosey Ackanard, the Spittalninny Bonesman (that is to say, Man of Spittals, the cutlural heart and capital of Bonesea) with the wit and the wisdom to match his football heritage is skeptical of his mic-mate's whimsical views on the possession-based game.

Culture Club
What is a Tachyon 611 Goldleaf anyway?

A supercar in every contract

Naturally, on an island full of million-, billion-, trillion- and yes, a few quadrillionaires, and on city highways packed with impatient bankers, stock brokers, hedge funders and futures speculators keen to get to the next multi-million drop, you're going to find your fair share of supercars. Not for the streets of St. Bernadine your Withiel mass-production V-types like the VA (Very Affordable), VE (Very Efficient) or, err, VD (Very Dirty, a common joke); or the cult three-wheeler city runabout the Zipper. Here you have only the very finest motors including the Q-types like the QE (Quite Extraordinary), the RQE (Really Quite Extraordinary) or the RQE-i (Really Quite Extraordinary indeed). No self-respecting billionaire would be seen dead without a Tachyon super car in their collection, of which as one might have guessed, the 611 is their timeless masterpiece and top of the range. The Goldleaf, of course, is the limited edition top of the top of the range, while the Goldleaf Twin Turbo remains top of the top of the top of the range. Naturally, every billionaire wants to go further than that if they can, so Tachyon offer endless custom options to build your own version of the 611 which will definitely ensure you are top of the top of the top of the top of the top of the range. And you got there by having your Tachyon your way, to go.

Famous ex-footballer and Taxhavn national team striker Rik Dam, football's most famous petrol-head, owns a successful business working in partnership with Tachyon to offer some of the very latest and most scintillating upgrades to the famous KKT-engine at the heart of every 611 (that's a Kaluza-Klein Tower block, which tells you all you need to know about what is going to propel your Tachyon into the middle of next week). Rik's retired now after wrapping his 611 Goldleaf around a bridge support on the Golden Boot Bridge and nearly killing himself in the process - the good news is he can walk again after two years of rehabilitation, but he's never going to kick a football in anger. At the time he was driving his own Dam Quick Garage's demonstrator model, a Tachyon 611 Goldleaf Twin-Turbo Afterburner Evo-VT with a bolt-on a nitrous-caffeine injector. Georg Bardo was one of his best customers and had a similar model, but when the Bardo family belatedly moved to Taxhavn from the Prosaic Union of Gnejs to join the footballer of the house, and then Rik did his thing on the Golden Boot Bridge, Mrs. Bardo immediately banned Georg from driving his two-seater rocket and instead they swapped for a superlux SUV, the Skyrmion, also built by Tachyon but less inclined to launch you into oblivion if you flipped the wrong switch.

Followers of the international transfer window will know that every player coming from abroad is enticed by the insane salaries and the almost obligatory Tachyon 611 signing-on bonus - a deal sweetener that seems to have worked more times than it hasn't, even after Rik's roll. Just this season a dozen Taxhavn clubs came in for Pyazhnyan winger Vasil Teplov with a bidding war based on the amount of upgrades to the base 611 Goldleaf Twin-Turbo on offer. Raven Thöni won that particular battle with the insanely rare Lux Capacitor Edition. It has been said that Tachyon were not happy that the image of their very fine supercar had become so intrinsically linked to football players, like a cultural meme of the SteuerLig, and were considering banning sales to footballers. But let's face it, that has been a solid earner for them over the years, and they now appear to have fully leaned into the market by sponsoring the Super Cup, now to be known as the Tachyon Super Cup & Bankers Charity Shield. For million-, billion-, trillion- and, yes, a few quadrillionaires who don't want to be associated with the dim but athletic types, there is always the Skyrmion SUV, and Tachyon themselves now privately offer a custom 611 which footballers would never buy, the Goldleaf Modesto. It puts you top of the top of the top of the top of the top of the top of the range, but, to most 'ballers distaste, it does so without shouting about it.

Match of the Winter
Old Shakerssens 13–3 BSSC Driessche
Ingvar McGill 1' Enor Perro 7', 19' Denzel Keegan 26' 49' 70' Thom Tungsten (OG) 35' Silas St Kew (OG) 37' Tijs Van De Velde 47' Kjartan Lúnquerque 60' 81' 83' Gryff Gould 69' | Gabriel Leal 72' Drew Foltzen 90+11' 90+12'

Jacquemeux, Havn

Round 29: The most embarrassing scorigami of all time?

At the risk of writing War & Peace just to sum up the SteuerLig's record-breaking sixteen goals scored, I will just point out that the most ridiculous of Winter Ruleset matches at Jacquemeux included a goal inside 60 seconds, two hatricks from Audioslav forwards, two own-goals two minutes apart, and was standing at 13-1 with ten minutes of added time played (mostly added on for goal restarts) before BSSC attempted a late comeback, scoring twice technically with the last two kicks of the game. I will focus on these two goals as the most comic in a comedy match, acknowledging with fair attribution that The Shakers were so brilliant for the first hundred minutes of the match it took my breath away. They were so good that the home fans were begging for 'ten more minutes' and 'we want twenty' while several of the BSSC players were begging the referee to stop it and put them out of their misery.

One Social player though, substitute centre-half Drew Foltzen, was of a different mind. Coming on just after team-mate Gabby Leal had scored a consolation with the Shakers already 11-0 ahead, to humorous cries of appreciation from the home crowd, Foltzen was clearly incensed by the mockery and became increasingly infuriated with his own players capitulation - even saying in an interview afterward that he should never have been brought on when he was, almost as if BSSC coach Jon Dewulf was trying to sit on that ten goal deficit with a defensive substitution. Foltzen committed several over-enthusiastic tackles and constantly shouted at his team-mates, avoiding a booking from the ref for quite some time, him being clearly impressed with the defender's fighting spirit and sympathic to his fury. Eventually he had no choice, giving him a long chat and probably advising him to channel his anger into more positive actions - in the last five minutes of the game Foltzen had more shots than the rest of the BSSC team combined, even though he barely got a few metres past the half-way line. As the clock ran down, he struck an effort from just short of the midway mark that eluded Shakers keeper Florijs van Aysma, who probably didn't make quite the effort he should've, and it came back off the crossbar. Florijs mis-kicked it out for a comedy corner with some suspicion he was taking the proverbial. Eivind Krabbs took the corner, with the ref making it clear this would probably be the last play of the game. Krabbs and most of his team mates could hardly be bothered to walk the extra yards to get in the box, but Foltzen came storming up from the centre circle, headed the corner into the net, followed the ball in to pick it up and ran back to the centre for the restart, seeming to roar the whole time.

The ref for some reason decided a restart was necessary before calling time on the game, Mikkel Bukt bemusedly tapped it to his fellow forward Kjartan Lúnquerque, but it was intercepted by a supersonic Foltzen, charging up from defence and smashing it goalward. Florijs van Aysma watched it sail over him and into the net. 13-3. Foltzen continued the charge down toward the goal to collect for another quick restart but the ref, sensing this might become an uncomfortable loop, called time. Foltzen fell to his knees, roaring in frustration, while his team-mates made a hasty departure to the changing room.

Shaker's fans finished their party with chants of 'sign him up' - and why not. He's a legend now.

Player of the match: Drew Foltzen, BSSC Driessche.
Not really. It was Kjartan Lúnquerque of course, Old Shakerssens

Did Somebody Say 'Takeaway'?
Five Things We Learned In Rounds 21-30

Septentriennes Out In Front

Bankers On The Brink - ten points clear with twelve to play for, Septentriennes superb winter run of nine wins in ten, piling on the goals thanks to Rollo Heron, Ezra de Nage and Tristan Featherstone whilst barely missing the legendary Georg Bardo, has seen them close in on a second consecutive title with one more win enough to see them over the line - they go to Tijhuis Archimedes next who are worried enough about the relegation pay-offs that they've forked out to protect their status (see 'Injury Time' below for more details on that debacle).

Boys & Shakers Fight For Second - Orchideeën and Boldsea FC could notionally get the guaranteed group stage place in the Champions League for reaching second place but really it looks now like a straight fight between Kierhuizen Boys and Old Shakerssens to get that vital place just in behind Septentriennes. They both have tough run-ins though, and meet in the second-to-last round up in Portugaal district where the Boys will entertain the Shakers for what might be winner takes all.

Deltic FC Look Down - it's been a transitional couple of seasons for the former World Cup winners and two-time SteuerLig champions, but no-one would've expected them to be looking at the relegation places at this time of the year - absolutely shocking. Of course they won't go down thanks to stumping up for the relegation pay-off (see 'Injury Time' below for more details on that debacle) but even to be making that pay-off, along with FC Städeli no less, seems entirely out of kilter. What is going on?

Promotees Looking Up - the growing rivalry between to smaller St. Bernadine sides in ASMV and Napoleon, who have battled each other all the way up from non-league, has taken on a real significance these days as the teams both fight for a place in the interregionals. No-one would be surprised to hear politically-backed ASMV, with that hint of referee scandal still smouldering, were just a couple of points off the Challenegers Cup places - but to see the unimpeachable Little Generals right on their heels is a remarkable achievement for head coach Emma Town and her partner Mattias Paulson.

Rifles Shoot Themselves In The Foot - with teams eyeing up potential relegation scraps from mid-table and some shelling out the pay-to-stay deposits already (see 'Injury Time' below for more details on that debacle), FA-Tax have panicked and shut the door on any further pay-ins, meaning bottom of the table OSA cannot buy their way out of trouble. Rumour has it they were waiting until the last moment to decide, but didn't read the small print in the pay-off law which explained FA-Tax could move the last moment to suit their purposes. Now they have to play their way out of trouble, and honestly, nine points from the relative safety of the relegation play-off zone, and already unable to climb any further than 15th, they look doomed.


   Solitary Soccer League       Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD    Win %    Win %   Pts 
 1 Septentriennes                30   21   4   5    96   62  +34    0.767    0.700    67
 2 Kierhuizen Boys               30   17   6   7    74   48  +26    0.667    0.567    57
 3 Old Shakerssens               30   16   8   6    90   51  +39    0.667    0.533    56
 4 Orchideeën                    30   14   9   7    94   70  +24    0.617    0.467    51
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
 5 Boldsea FC                    30   14   8   8    77   58  +19    0.600    0.467    50
 6 HPV Waallen                   30   13   7  10    61   57   +4    0.550    0.433    46
 7 De Tike FC                    30   12   9   9    58   44  +14    0.550    0.400    45
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
 8 ASMV St. Bernadine            30   13   4  13    72   71   +1    0.500    0.433    43
 9 Napoleon St. Bernadine        30   13   3  14    73   78   −5    0.483    0.433    42
10 Tijhuis Archimedes            30   12   6  12    74   70   +4    0.500    0.400    42 *
11 Standard Lily                 30   10  10  10    65   62   +3    0.500    0.333    40 *
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
12 FC Städeli                    30   11   4  15    54   57   −3    0.433    0.367    37 *
13 St. Bernadine Football Team   30   10   5  15    70   79   −9    0.417    0.333    35 *
14 Deltic FC                     30   10   5  15    62   62    0    0.417    0.333    35 *
15 Sturm Havn                    30    9   5  16    63   78  −15    0.383    0.300    32 
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
16 Zotteeik                      30    7   7  16    48   80  −32    0.350    0.233    28
17 BSSC Driessche                30    7   5  18    47  105  −58    0.317    0.233    26
18 OSA-Cyclista                  30    6   5  19    47   93  −46    0.283    0.200    23

* Pay-off deposits submitted

Match of the round highlighted

Round-21
St. Bernadine Football Team 1–5 Septentriennes
                 Orchideeën 1–5 ASMV St. Bernadine
            Kierhuizen Boys 7–0 Zotteeik
            Old Shakerssens 3–0 OSA-Cyclista
                 Boldsea FC 3–1 Deltic FC
                 Sturm Havn 0–5 Tijhuis Archimedes
             BSSC Driessche 1–9 De Tike FC
     Napoleon St. Bernadine 3–1 HPV Waallen
              Standard Lily 0–1 FC Städeli

Round-22
             Septentriennes 1–1 Standard Lily
                 FC Städeli 1–3 Napoleon St. Bernadine
                HPV Waallen 0–1 BSSC Driessche
                 De Tike FC 1–1 Sturm Havn
         Tijhuis Archimedes 1–1 Boldsea FC
                  Deltic FC 0–1 Old Shakerssens
               OSA-Cyclista 1–4 Kierhuizen Boys
                   Zotteeik 1–11 Orchideeën
         ASMV St. Bernadine 3–5 St. Bernadine Football Team

Round-23
         ASMV St. Bernadine 3–9 Septentriennes
St. Bernadine Football Team 3–1 Zotteeik
                 Orchideeën 3–0 OSA-Cyclista
            Kierhuizen Boys 1–0 Deltic FC
            Old Shakerssens 7–0 Tijhuis Archimedes
                 Boldsea FC 1–0 De Tike FC
                 Sturm Havn 1–1 HPV Waallen
             BSSC Driessche 3–1 FC Städeli
     Napoleon St. Bernadine 1–1 Standard Lily

Round-24
             Septentriennes 6–2 Napoleon St. Bernadine
              Standard Lily 5–0 BSSC Driessche
                 FC Städeli 3–0 Sturm Havn
                HPV Waallen 3–1 Boldsea FC
                 De Tike FC 1–1 Old Shakerssens
         Tijhuis Archimedes 1–3 Kierhuizen Boys
                  Deltic FC 0–5 Orchideeën
               OSA-Cyclista 5–3 St. Bernadine Football Team
                   Zotteeik 1–1 ASMV St. Bernadine

Round-25
                   Zotteeik 0–1 Septentriennes
         ASMV St. Bernadine 3–1 OSA-Cyclista
St. Bernadine Football Team 3–1 Deltic FC
                 Orchideeën 3–3 Tijhuis Archimedes
            Kierhuizen Boys 1–3 De Tike FC[color=#DB3E00]
            Old Shakerssens 5–0 HPV Waallen
                 Boldsea FC 1–1 FC Städeli
                 Sturm Havn 3–1 Standard Lily
             BSSC Driessche 0–4 Napoleon St. Bernadine

Round-26
             Septentriennes 6–4 BSSC Driessche
     Napoleon St. Bernadine 0–4 Sturm Havn
              Standard Lily 3–5 Boldsea FC
                 FC Städeli 3–1 Old Shakerssens
                HPV Waallen 1–0 Kierhuizen Boys
                 De Tike FC 1–5 Orchideeën
         Tijhuis Archimedes 7–7 St. Bernadine Football Team
                  Deltic FC 3–1 ASMV St. Bernadine
               OSA-Cyclista 3–3 Zotteeik

Round-27
               OSA-Cyclista 1–7 Septentriennes
                   Zotteeik 1–0 Deltic FC
         ASMV St. Bernadine 1–0 Tijhuis Archimedes
St. Bernadine Football Team 1–3 De Tike FC
                 Orchideeën 1–3 HPV Waallen
            Kierhuizen Boys 1–0 FC Städeli
            Old Shakerssens 3–3 Standard Lily
                 Boldsea FC 0–3 Napoleon St. Bernadine
                 Sturm Havn 6–0 BSSC Driessche

Round-28
             Septentriennes 3–1 Sturm Havn
             BSSC Driessche 1–6 Boldsea FC
     Napoleon St. Bernadine 1–3 Old Shakerssens
              Standard Lily 3–5 Kierhuizen Boys
                 FC Städeli 7–3 Orchideeën
                HPV Waallen 3–3 St. Bernadine Football Team
                 De Tike FC 3–3 ASMV St. Bernadine
         Tijhuis Archimedes 3–1 Zotteeik
                  Deltic FC 3–3 OSA-Cyclista

Round-29
                  Deltic FC 1–3 Septentriennes
               OSA-Cyclista 0–5 Tijhuis Archimedes
                   Zotteeik 0–5 De Tike FC
         ASMV St. Bernadine 1–3 HPV Waallen
St. Bernadine Football Team 1–1 FC Städeli
                 Orchideeën 1–1 Standard Lily
            Kierhuizen Boys 1–3 Napoleon St. Bernadine
            Old Shakerssens 13–3 BSSC Driessche
                 Boldsea FC 0–1 Sturm Havn

Round-30
             Septentriennes 1–0 Boldsea FC
                 Sturm Havn 1–1 Old Shakerssens[color=#DB3E00]
             BSSC Driessche 1–5 Kierhuizen Boys
     Napoleon St. Bernadine 0–3 Orchideeën
              Standard Lily 1–0 St. Bernadine Football Team
                 FC Städeli 0–3 ASMV St. Bernadine
                HPV Waallen 1–3 Zotteeik
                 De Tike FC 3–0 OSA-Cyclista
         Tijhuis Archimedes 1–3 Deltic FC

Golden Balls
Tristan Featherstone, Septentriennes

The kid has it all

Talismanic but oft-injured veteran striker Georg Bardo describes his young team mate as «the dream combination of a fine rustic flour, a vibrant yeast, a hint of hops in the water, rising faster than the best granary cob»; Mosey Ackanard agrees he could well be the best thing since sliced bread; while his head coach Anaïs Aescher breaks away from the bakery metaphors to call him 'the franchise striker' - which is a term that is catching on, what with all the franchises FA-Tax is selling for its top league these days. There is no doubt that while Septentriennes adapt to Georg Bardo becoming less the platform for their great success over recent seasons as his injury woes mount up, it is the young Tikario striker Tristan Featherstone that has offered fans the most exciting glimpse of the future. He's been banging them in for fun as he threatens to overtake both Rollo Heron and Ezra de Nage as the first name on the teamsheet at Sept-Nat Stadion; strong, athletic, clinical, and calm under pressure - a quality that cheeky chappy commentator Mosey Ackanard says is as rare as a discretionary trust that only does what it was set up to do. Tristan has been the outstanding player of the winter phase and at 19 he is only going to get better for the Bankers.

IFCF Knockout Stages

Should we complain, really, when we have another IFCF final to look forward to here on the Isle of Taxhavn? ASMV St. Bernadine, under ominous Wightling control [allegedly - Ed.] have stormed to the Liga-B Champions Trophy final in Nordhammer, Naktr, after hardly putting a foot wrong in the second tier competition's knockout phase, while their increasingly fierce rivals Napoleon impressed in reaching the quarterfinals. But elsewhere, it was grim reading for the SteuerLig sides; both teams out in the first round of ties in the Champions League and the Associations Trophy; not even represented in the Challenger's Cup this season, and the usual failure in the Cup Winners Cup. Academical's champion youth team at least put on a bit of a show in the Rising Stars Cup, reaching the quarterfinals before defeat to all-conquering Alexia, and alerting the rest of the SteuerLig in the process to the depth of talent on offer there.

The 25th IFCF Champions League

Round of Sixteen
(TAX)            Septentriennes    3–4    Norrion Rovers             (EFL)   1–2   2–2 
(PAS)             CA Paulinthal    4–1    Orchideeën                 (TAX)   3–0   1–1

The 73rd IFCF Cup Winners Cup

First Round
(TAX)               HPV Waallen    5–1    Binclestead Wood FC        (FVA)   3–0   2–1

Round of Sixteen
(TAX)               HPV Waallen    1–2    RGS Athletic               (EFL)   0–1   1–1

The 15th IFCF Associations Trophy

Round of Thirty-Two
(TAX)                 Deltic FC    2–4    Strathcona Internationals  (KSK)   2–0   0–4 
(TAX)           Kierhuizen Boys    2–2 p  Vikings of Lei FC          (HNL)   2–2   0–0  (0–2 pen)

The 25th IFCF Liga B Champions Trophy

Round of Sixteen
(AUP)                Sagittaria    1–1 p  Napoleon St. Bernadine     (TAX)   1–1   0–0  (2–3 pen)
(TAX)        ASMV St. Bernadine    5–3    Flames of the West         (CMT)   1–2   4–1 
                     
Quarterfinals
(PAS)                      Lìjû    4–2    Napoleon St. Bernadine     (TAX)   4–2   0–0 
(TAX)        ASMV St. Bernadine    3–0    Rdeča Mornarica            (KAR)   1–0   2–0 
      
Semifinals
(PAS)                      Lìjû    0–4    ASMV St. Bernadine         (TAX)   0–2   0–2

The 25th IFCF Rising Stars Cup

Round of Sixteen

(EFL)        Pontifucia Academy    1–0    Orchideeën                 (TAX)  
(TAX)  St. Bernadine Academical    2–0    Aardswood United           (KYP)

Round of Sixteen
(PAS)             CA Paulinthal    1–2    St. Bernadine Academical   (TAX)  

Quarterfinal
(TAX)  St. Bernadine Academical    1–1 p  Alexia                     (AUP)  (2–4 pen)

The 24th FFI Competitions
Former LoV champions Orchideeën suffered a surprise exit at the Round of Thirty-Two in what is becoming a familiar story this season in the late stages of interregional football - are the Winter Rules in domestic football confusing the issue? Whatever the problem, this was a poor showing from the Nurserymen, while league rivals Septentriennes made leggy work in reaching the quarterinals before a disappointing exit to Rovers. Better news in the Confederations Trophy, meanwhile, where both Standard Lily and St. Bernadine Football Team - playing under their former name of Taxhavn City - put aside poor domestic campaigns to reach an all-Taxhavn final to be held in Goldstadt, Calgasia. We have at least one interregional champion to celebrate in the off-season, which is not to be sniffed at.

The 24th League of Victors

Round of Thirty-Two
(TAX)                Orchideeën    2–2    Rega Lysborg               (SGD)   0–0   1–2    
(TAX)             Septentriennes   3–2    Real Anasb                 (SAT)   2–0   1–2    

Round of Sixteen
(TAX)            Septentriennes    4–1    FC Wamena                  (PIA)   4–1   0–0    

Quarterfinals
(TAX)            Septentriennes    4–5    Darlingtown Rovers         (APH)   2–3   2–2

The 24th Confederations Trophy

Qualifying Round
(QDT)  MESD Fidelissimae Plebes    2–3    Taxhavn City               (TAX)   2–3   0–0    


Round of Sixteen
(TAX)             Standard Lily    3–0    Futsworth United           (SAT)   2–0   1–0    
(TAN)           Rotherby United    0–8    Taxhavn City               (TAX)   0–4   0–4

Quarterfinals
(INS)       Southbay Riveria FC    3–7    Taxhavn City               (TAX)   0–2   3–5    
(DRK)           Pittsennat Reds    1–3    Standard Lily              (TAX)   0–1   1–2

Semifinals
(TAX)             Standard Lily    6–2    Myana                      (CMT)   4–1   2–1 
(AUP)                  Eolorent    5–8    Taxhavn City               (TAX)   3–4   2–4

Later Rounds

Time for one more shock, and a shocking performance

Former national team manager Nelis Fijnwever, taking up the reins at FC Städeli, warned that it might take a big rethink in the summer to get this team back on track, and in the meantime they shelled out for the relegation pay-off, being that worried (see 'Injury Time' below for more details on that debacle). As if to confirm his fears defeat to bottom of the table BSSC was followed by a shocking exit in the cup, with second-tier strugglers Five Star St. Bernadine coming to the Städeli Arena and earning a famous victory, the last real shock of the competition as the heavyweights from interregional football joined in for the first time since reinstatement in this competition. By the semi-finals, six of those eight were out. Septentriennes look like they could win a first double since FC Städeli in the inaugural competition, while Tijhuis Archimedes had a worst home defeat in half a century against near-neighbours and cup specialists De Tike FC.

Octofinal 

                 FC Städeli 1–3 Five Star St. Bernadine	  
     Napoleon St. Bernadine 1–1 Benson Foxes 		  (1–1 AET) (3–2 pen.)
                HPV Waallen 1–3 Standard Lily
                 Orchideeën 1–3 Boldsea FC		  
             Septentriennes 1–0 Old Shakerssens
                  Deltic FC 1–1 ASMV St. Bernadine 	  (2–1 AET)
                   Zotteeik 1–3 Kierhuizen Boys
         Tijhuis Archimedes 1–7 De Tike FC		  

Quarterfinal

              Standard Lily 0–3 Septentriennes
     Napoleon St. Bernadine 3–1 Five Star St. Bernadine
                 De Tike FC 4–0 Kierhuizen Boys
                  Deltic FC 3–0 Boldsea FC

Deltic FC and Septentriennes have only played once in this competition each - for the latter, they will be hoping for a second final after losing to the now-defunct St. Bernadine Accountants, while Deltic FC are the only team of the semis not to have reached the final. Napoleon will be looking to a second consecutive appearance, while De Tike FC, the only winners of the group of four, would actually be making their fourth final appearance if they make it past The Exiles.

Normarque Nothing™ Tax Cup Semifinal Draw

                 De Tike FC vs. Deltic FC
             Septentriennes vs. Napoleon St. Bernadine

Sack Race
Manager Ins & Outs

Seven and out for Nelo

Struggling OSA head coach Nelo Holzer was sacked after 1-7 home defeat by Septentriennes to join Magnus Rüfenacht on the unfortunate list as runner-up in the sack race, and so far they are the only two who have been pushed. Seamus Awton at Tijhuis Archimedes had a severe wobble after the humiliating home defeat in the Cup Octofinals, and Jon Dewulf is still in recovery from the 13-3 embarrassment at Old Shakerssens, where Drew Foltzen's two goals late in injury time might just have delayed the chop.

Round 20: Magnus Rüfenacht, FC Städeli; replaced by Nelis Fijnwever
Round 27: Nelo Holzer, OSA-Cyclista; replaced by Lenny Dähler

Out Next?: Davey Tinnalt, St. Bernadine Football Team - 1/4 at TaxBet
BSSC look like goners but the small club are a stable outfit and might not want to unsettle things at the Axis Arena by a change of head coach. You couldn't say the same at SBFT, where rudderless upper management is naturally reflected in the coaching tier where the price is usually paid for rudderlessness. Davey Tinnalt's days looked numbered, and with a mysterious but apparently ambitious new ownership group expected to come in any day now, you wonder if he can even last to the end of season award ceremonies.

Sick Notes
Injury News From The SteuerLig

OSA limping to relegation

When the fight has almost gone out of you, losing a couple of key players will just about finish you off, and for OSA-Cyclista, cut adrift at the bottom with only the mightiest of mathematical miracles able to save them, it look very much like a knockout blow losing Ipaneman team captain Oslõ and Chromatik Martin Rodenberg on top of long term layoff Diedrich Billing. Two more veteran captains Aslak Hrafninnsson at Orchideeën and Martin Ebersold at Septentriennes will also miss the run in, and for retiring Aslak that means fans of the Nurserymen have seen their legend in the famous orange for the last time already.

Confirmed retired through injury
ST Rik Dam			33		St. Bernadine Football Team
GK Lupine Knutsson		28 BSE*		Boldsea FC

Major players with long-term injuries
Career-threatening:
ML Arrigo Napoleoni		26		FC Städeli
ML Hersham Taine (DLT*)		21 		Deltic FC

Out for the season:
DC Diedrich Billing		21		OSA-Cyclista
DC Junior Cavatta		26 OSS		Old Shakerssens
GK Umé Alenaggo			29 MNO*		ASMV St.Bernadine
DL Horatio Govaerts		27		Standard Lily
ST Georg Bardo			35 PUG		Septentriennes		

Key players to miss the run-in
ST Szilárd Forde		24 EFL		St.Bernadine Football Team
MR Christopher Shotbolt		21		Deltic FC
DC Aslak Hrafninnsson		33 PIS		Orchideeën
DC Martin Ebersold		29		Septentriennes
GK Victor van Drop		30		HPV Waallen
MR Ven Pirennes			20 AUP		Kierhuizen Boys
ST Philip Wynter		23		BSSC Driessche	
DL Oslõ				27 IPN*		OSA-Cyclista
ML Martin Rodenberg		24 CMT		OSA-Cyclista
DL Henk Schutte			27		Zotteeik
DC Natanaël Bartelot		23		ASMV St. Bernadine

Injury Time
The Pay-Offs Are Here

FA-Tax' Official Bribery Channel Opens

A few seasons back FA-Tax quietly introduced a new ruling that everyone immediately ignored as being something nobody would ever need: you could pay to stay in the SteuerLig's top division, provided you deposited the money before you were mathematically relegated. Then, with a closely-guarded secret amount of money wired to FA HQ, speculated to be between ₸x200m and ₸x1bn shillings (it's ₸x1bn - not that closely guarded) you could buy your way out of relegation. It's a preposterous sum of money. No-one would ever pay it. And then... Deltic FC, transitioning with the youngest squad in the league away from their mighty World Cup winning team, struggling for points but backed by the only quadrillionaire in the valley in Taite de Luntte, coughed up the billion shilling get-out-of-jail-for-a-fee card. No-one ever expected that to happen, but when it did, it immediately increased the pressure on other struggling teams, like FC Städeli and St. Bernadine Football Team. The former definitely didn't want to do what their great rivals Raven Thöni did, which was ignore the opportunity to pay off when they were in trouble, and become the first of the big three to get relegated. Not only that, but to then find they couldn't easily bounce back. They are still in Lig-2. As for St. Bernadine Football Team, they've got massive backers coming in next season - an actual closely-guarded secret to which we haven't even a speculative or unfounded guess - and there is no way they want the deal to go south by dropping out of the division. Both teams paid up.

With three teams excluded from relegation, there is even more sweating about the drop. The third of the Big Three, not so much in trouble but in the doldrums and fearing being pulled into the action, Standard Lily followed suit, and then the club with the biggest following on the island, Tijhuis Archimedes, found a spare billion to save themselves. Suddenly, you had teams in the mid- to upper-reaches worrying that they could well have to take part in the relegation play-offs because five teams were immune. Not to mention, automatic relegation for some now looks a foregone conclusion. If Sturm Havn had gone along with the panic-bribing, all three teams in the relegation zone would already be down. Teams finishing as high as sixth - HPV Waallen, presently, could end up involved in relegation. Top teams were preparing their bank transfers, while the Cyclones considered their options. Realising that while having several extra billions in the bank account was a fun bonus you couldn't actually have Champions League qualifiers get relegated if you wanted to be taken seriously as a league, FA-Tax suddenly invoked an even less well-known clause and closed bidding on the pay-offs. Sturm will have to fend for themselves - they are already guaranteed to have to play in the relegation play-offs, as could teams finishing as high as seventh (which is a Challengers Cup birth).

The sudden black-Friday rush to buy places is certainly not something FA-Tax saw coming although with the amount of money at Taxhavn clubs it now looks - in hindsight - rather inevitable. They are allegedly reconsidering the option for next season, although knowing them, it will be another debacle. Because that's what we love about the SteuerLig, isn't it?

The Wide Enness Ocean
The key to Wightling puppetry
* Nationalities marked with an asterisk are part of the Wightling Commonwealth:

AAN  Aaan              HUI  Huaite             NYY  Namayyan                   SOY  Soyo
AUR  Auronne           HVM  Hvammstang         OSM  Osmania                    TAM  Tamarindia
BBS  Barbary Salé      IDM  Íle de Martín      PLV  Palava                     TEQ  Tequilo
BEO  Beomark           IPN  Ipanema            POI  Poix                       TRQ  Terraque
BOH  Bohobe            JLA  Jelah              PSI  Portsea & Spice Islands    URQ  Uraqq		
BSE  Bonesea           KKA  Kukalaya           RRP  République Rivière         USO  Usorno		
CMU  Chímu             MAK  Makongo            RSG  Royal Saxe-Gotha           WGT  Wight	
COS  Costelloa         MNO  Monozygotia        RXX  Rosicruxxia                XIN  Xindao	
CRN  Cernan            MPK  Malproksimen       SCG  Scéalta Grinn              ZGA  Zenega	 
DLT  Delte             MUS  Mustardy           SCY  Scythia                    ZZR  Zykotik Zoviet Republicz	
HSP  Hispanola         NIB  Nibelunga          SLT  Saltern Island		

OOC  The Wightling Commonwealth, of which Taxhavn is also a member, is the commonwealth of Wightling puppets.
OBV.

by **Taxhavn** » Sat Feb 21, 2026 12:44 am

OOC: I'm very happy to announce the RL partnership with User:Gnejs in the production of the SteuerLig sportswire, or TAX Magazine Sports Desk as I sometimes call it. As the writer behind both Gnejs and Seeberg, I feel we have one of the best and most under-appreciated RPers on board for the SteuerLig. I hope in the future NSS gets more storied nations from Gnejs, it's a duller place without them - but for now at least, we can enjoy football tourists Karl-Johan, Knut and Hardly-Knut directly from the pen (or keyboard) of their original creator.

The Football Tourists
An outside view from the inside

TAX Magazine welcomes our new contributor[s] to the sports desk

Please accept our apologies. Karl-Johan and Knut were unable to finish their next installment of In Our Own Words.

There is no reason to be alarmed, but it was imperative that the boys tend to Hardly-Knut, who has been taken ill. Again, no need to worry, but old Hardly wolfed down some blue cheese that didn’t agree with him, and a trip to the St. Albyn Animal Clinic was unavoidable.

We feel certain Hardly-Knut will be fine. This particular clinic - capably managed by Gnejsian refugee animal doctor Dorotea Silverfisk and her Deltic Non-Returnee husband, Ale Kelden-Nightgoose - have not only specialised in Rock Terrier treatment, but also in the digestive implications of excessive blue cheese intake. We wish Hardly-Knut a speedy recovery (and suggest maybe lay off on the Mustardo Fromage Bleu Bizarre going forward).

These unfortunate circumstances presented us with a problem, seeing as we now had no final entry in our increasingly popular odyssey of the “Underligen”, which this time was supposed to be centered on the Molineux Goat Cheese Lig-3 Round 25 bout between Scarab St. Bernadine and Roterlicht Knokschäft

How fortunate then, that our omnipresent, voice-activated, mobile recording and reporting device - iSixt - has attached itself to the CCTV-network of St. Bernadine City, and is now literally everywhere; always ready to either generate on-the-go content of its own volition, simply eavesdrop on and record the symphony of the urban thoroughfare, or perchance a bit of both.

So, after the final whistle, while scouring the streets adjacent to the home of Scarab St. Bernadine for some potentially interesting chatter, babble, prattle or jabber, iSixt eventually locked in on a portly fellow in a feathered green felt cap, who - already mid-discourse - was leading a large group of tourists, and before we knew it we had an installment of sorts on our hands.

In Our Own Words
Special Edition: The word on the street

Molineux Goats Cheese Lig-3 Round 25: Scarab St. Bernadine 5–5 Roterlicht Knokschäft

«…ask me to do some commentary on current events, like the ending of this massive 5-5 fight for survival between Lanterns and Scarabs, but how can you say something about today and tomorrow without firstly discoursing protractedly on the many yesterdays of time gone by? The answer is of course that you can’t, so, while you might expect a small treatise on the implications of the ‘winter ruleset’ way down the pyramid, I instead propose that answering your question rather necessitates stepping back and zooming in.

Now, it’s no secret that the town of Knokschäft has a reputation for being somewhat seedy, sleezy, scruffy, sordid, squalid and probably a host of other words starting with an “S”. If you go down the corner, right down there, and ask for a «Knokschäft Spezial», you’ll likely end up with a girthy bratwurst thrust in between two shapely mounds of mashed potatoes, and a sprinkle of chopped gherkins and a splat of mayonnaise on top. Just don’t ask for a «Nibelungen Ring», because I am fairly certain you won’t stomach it.

And that probably tells you all you need to know, serving as a neat illustration that there’s no mystery as to why the «red lights» of Roterlicht Knokschäft is often seen as intimately connected to the town’s notorious demimonde harlot industry and all its accompanying jazz and razzamatazz of many different sizes and varieties. Their home ground even goes by the nickname “The Bordello”! And while the owners - Purlie Weinerdanggler and Fonda le Cocxx - are perhaps mostly known for their chain of artisanal bakeries specializing in erotic cakes, it seems safe to assume the disreputability of their dealings go deeper.

This is all known. What is often overlooked, however, is how the red lantern first came to shine its light on Knokschäft, which for the longest of time was a sleepy and mostly prudent town; men wore vests and tended their herds and few had ever even considered womanly sexuality as a ding, and surely never an sich! Of course there was the odd «free thinker», as you’re bound to have in towns like these, but they were mostly of the liberal variety that contend themselves with reciting poetry about the need for societal reform without ever acting upon it.

However, this all changed with the arrival of a certain priestly type by the name of Hugo Scharff. A lanky man with a pale face, intense eyes and a nervous laughter, he initially seemed like a decent enough fellow, by all accounts, and stuck to the established evangel when he held sermons down by Ehebrecherisch Platz. Alas, it would soon become apparent that Herr Scharff was no ordinary minister.

The man was a self-proclaimed libidinal liberationist! Or a sexual revolutionary! Perhaps even a venereal agitator, if you will. While he spent his days preaching prudence, justice, fortitude and temperance, his nights were devoted to spreading a doctrine of folly, corruption, self-indulgence and lust, within the walls of his clandestine cult of carnality, aptly named The Holy Church of the Protruding Member, and that probably tells you all you need to know.

He was charismatic, and could be very persuasive, at least that's what the stories tell us, and he had an almost sorcerous way of snaring people’s minds. It started with the youth, as these things often do, and before long he had coaxed many of them to come worship the seedy gospel of sausages and yoghurt at his secret temple of deprivation, in a cellar beneath a meat market just off Lammilchen Platz. Slowly but surely, the very fabric of civil Knokschäft life became transformed, and in the end most everyone had become possessed by this lure of Luxuria.

Of course, it would later reveal itself that Scharff had aims far more sinister than a general erotic emancipation, but rather that he planned on using his acolytes as a vanguard of sorts in instigating a revolution and enslave ⅔ of the island’s population, forcing them to servitude in his planned World’s Greatest Harem. His plans were spoiled, of course, in no small part due to the dedicated efforts of enigmatic investigator Nancemellin Aufidius and the frugal local councilwoman Felizitas Cottman.

No one has heard from Scharff since, but he left a lasting stain of lecherousness on the soul of Knokschäft—one that, as we know, still lingers today in the many areas where you'd rather not take your children for a stroll after dark. The concupiscence of Eros is very much alive, and the use of the city’s distinctive red lights harks back to these days of salacious amuck, where a system of red lanterns guided new initiates to his meat market lair.

And that is why, to answer your question, Sascha Le Goff pumped his fist in the air and shouted «Stroke me father for I have sinned» when he scored that late Roterlicht equalizer. Of course, all of this is widely regarded as poppycock and…»

Rangers Going Nowhere
Soapy Lucre Lig-2 Update

The rest of the pack keep shuffling

Surprise promotion candidates Helvétique Rangers have kept a steady head when all about are losing theirs - 1860, top at the Winter Break, have had a torrid time to drop to 7th, while Raven Thöni still can't get the consistency they need for a title challenge, not that they are far behind. But hello, who is this? Newly promoted Dandelion Town FC, considered a more defensively minded side (by Taxhavn standards) have absolutely smashed the Winter Rule Set, going undefeated since the break with seven wins and three draws to put them right in amongst the contenders.


   Soapy Lucre Lig-2            Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD    Win %    Win %   Pts 
 1 Helvétique Rangers            30   16   6   8    79   48  +31    0.633    0.533    54
 2 Dandelion Town FC             30   15   8   7    55   33  +22    0.633    0.500    53
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 3 Löwen Bessendorf              30   15   6   9    64   47  +17    0.600    0.500    51
 4 Raven Thöni                   30   16   2  12    65   58   +7    0.567    0.533    50
 5 Motor Waallen                 30   14   7   9    74   48  +26    0.583    0.467    49
 6 Benson Foxes                  30   14   7   9    62   56   +6    0.583    0.467    49
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 7 1860 Delénacht                30   14   7   9    59   67   −8    0.583    0.467    49
 8 St. Bernadine Academical      30   13   7  10    65   59   +6    0.550    0.433    46
 9 St. Gight's Albion            30   11  11   8    65   51  +14    0.550    0.367    44
10 Fortuna Städeli               30   11   8  11    67   56  +11    0.500    0.367    41
11 Watling Street Ramblers       30   11   7  12    60   60    0    0.483    0.367    40
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
12 HKB Merzberg                  30   11   6  13    50   64  −14    0.467    0.367    39
13 Urban Irminger                30    9  10  11    58   64   −6    0.467    0.300    37
14 FZK-Amstell                   30    9   9  12    45   71  −26    0.450    0.300    36
15 Five Star St. Bernadine       30    9   5  16    67   78  −11    0.383    0.300    32
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
16 McCunnald FC                  30    7   7  16    67   80  −13    0.350    0.233    28
17 Schwänenclub                  30    7   6  17    43   74  −31    0.333    0.233    27
18 VF Nibelungengraf             30    6   5  19    53   84  −31    0.283    0.200    23

Cardinals Keep On Keeping On
Molineux Goats Cheese Lig-2 Update

Romainring holding on

It's been a fairly steady progression in the third tier with four of the six relegated sides dominating, although Rotor Küseneuve are beginning to run out of steam - Rankfelden and Romainring are holding the automatic promotion cards, Nettle are right on their heels while Immenmold press, perhaps over-belatedly, to leapfrog into the automatics. Of the other two who went down, Olimpia are surely safe if not setting the division alight, while the Red Lights of Knokschäft are blinking hopefully as they pull away from another automatic drop, and hope a good closing run might seem them escape the relegation play-offs.


   Molineux Goats Cheese Lig-3  Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD    Win %    Win %   Pts 
 1 Rankfelden Cardinals          30   17   9   4    64   40  +24    0.717    0.567    60
 2 VF Romainring                 30   17   5   8    79   55  +24    0.650    0.567    56
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 3 Boilinghouse Nettle           30   15  11   4    84   42  +42    0.683    0.500    56
 4 Immenmold                     30   16   7   7    72   57  +15    0.650    0.533    55
 5 Axis Driessche                30   14  12   4    77   59  +18    0.667    0.467    54 * No promotion allowed
 6 Rot-Westenweiler              30   15   8   7    63   46  +17    0.633    0.500    53
 7 Rotor Küsneuve                30   14   9   7    71   58  +13    0.617    0.467    51
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 8 FFC Mesocyclone               30   15   5  10    64   53  +11    0.583    0.500    50
 9 Olimpia Oranjestadt           30   11  11   8    60   54   +6    0.550    0.367    44
10 Stadler Works                 30   10   9  11    60   67   −7    0.483    0.333    39
11 VF Merzberg                   30   11   4  15    68   73   −5    0.433    0.367    37
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
12 Tulip Maartenstadt            30    7  14   9    44   60  −16    0.467    0.233    35
13 Scarab St. Bernadine          30    9   7  14    61   68   −7    0.417    0.300    34
14 Roterlicht Knokschäft         30    9   5  16    60   70  −10    0.383    0.300    32
15 AZ Exloërveen                 30    6   8  16    45   68  −23    0.333    0.200    26
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
16 Achilles Portugaal            30    6   3  21    46   75  −29    0.250    0.200    21
17 Orping-Tinkers                30    5   6  19    40   73  −33    0.267    0.167    21
18 Energia Niekerk               30    3   7  20    50   90  −40    0.217    0.100    16

Apollo Rising
Trumpanzee Garbage Lig-4 Update

Hibs have a relapse

It's tight at the top and any one of seven might still consider themselves promotion candidates, if not pretenders to the title. Torpedo are just outside the play-off spots with enough momentum that they could still sneak in there, while AZ-Tjaart 54, pre-season favourites who had an abysmal start, have risen into the mix but probably left it too let to win an automatic place.


   Trumpanzee Garbage Lig-4     Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD    Win %    Win %   Pts 
 1 St. Bernadine Apollo          30   17   6   7    79   51  +28    0.667    0.567    57
 2 Esterden Reds                 30   15  11   4    69   56  +13    0.683    0.500    56
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 3 Mount Shilling Casuals        30   15   9   6    65   46  +19    0.650    0.500    54
 4 Hibernien                     30   15   8   7    69   55  +14    0.633    0.500    53
 5 AZ-Tjaart 54                  30   15   6   9    85   56  +29    0.600    0.500    51
 6 Súlan Gannet                  30   15   5  10    75   55  +20    0.583    0.500    50
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 7 Torpedo Tijhuis               30   13  11   6    70   55  +15    0.617    0.433    50
 8 St. Bernadine Astronomical    30   12   8  10    80   71   +9    0.533    0.400    44
 9 Nova Tijhuis                  30   12   6  12    56   67  −11    0.500    0.400    42
10 Lada Tijhuis                  30   10  10  10    80   67  +13    0.500    0.333    40
11 Lokomotiv Devengein           30   10   7  13    59   65   −6    0.450    0.333    37
12 Meteor Maartenstadt           30   10   7  13    53   66  −13    0.450    0.333    37
13 Schwarz-Weiss Thöni           30   10   7  13    52   65  −13    0.450    0.333    37
14 Wijnward Olympia              30    9  10  11    60   72  −12    0.467    0.300    37
15 Trojan Portugaal              30   10   6  14    65   71   −6    0.433    0.333    36
16 Social Städeli                30    5   7  18    55   86  −31    0.283    0.167    22
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
17 Völker Merzberg               30    5   5  20    40   80  −40    0.250    0.167    20
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
18 Ravenser Odd                  30    3   9  18    57   85  −28    0.250    0.100    18

Solitary Soccer League

Season 97 School Report

Season 97 Post-Season Awards

Season 98 Intro

Season 98 Pre-Season Headlines

Season 98 Transfer News

Season 98 Preview Part 1/2

Season 98 Preview Part 2/2

Season 98 Rounds 1-11

Season 98 Rounds 12-22

Season 98 Winter Break

Season 98 Rounds 23-33

Season 98 Rounds 34-38

Season 98 Post-Season Awards

Season 99 Intro

Season 99 Headlines

Season 99 Transfer Ticker

Season 99 Preview Part 1

Season 99 Preview Part 2

Season 99 Rounds 1-10

Season 99 Underligen 1-10

Season 99 Rounds 11-21

Season 99 Underligen 11-20

Season 99 Winter Break

Season 99 Rounds 21-30

Season 99 Underligen 21-30

Who is online