The Idiot Project

by **The Idiot Project** » Tue Apr 29, 2025 4:32 pm

9

The Endless Sunset
Written: January 2023

Of the eight souls aboard the seaplane, five survive. Lost are the captain, the first officer, and a Polarian businessman who’d bought his way onto this chartered flight. The five to survive the crash do so by swimming, with whatever limbs are still working, towards the outline of a coast just about visible through the haze in the dim northern dawn.

The survivors are the two Astograthians footballers, Erlis and Morriyas, the two Polarian footballers, Henriksen and Aer, and president of Polaria’s Football Association Magnus Ragnarok. They are almost intact. Henriksen has suffered a broken arm in the crash, and was the last to make land.

There are four things that they will need to survive.

One: Air. You can survive maybe two minutes without it. This, they’ve got. Arguably more of it than you actually want

There was plenty of that here. In fact, now the weather front was moving over, there was lots of it moving around at higher speeds than they had been used to”
:- Polar Islandstates, 2011-07-29

Two: Water. Two days without it. Seeing as they’d crashed into an area of the north where nine hundred thousand cubic miles of it sploshed around happily in the breeze you might expect that to be a surplus too, but not quite. You can’t drink seawater. You’ll maybe need more than the meltwater you can find over the hill. But how to transport it? And how to filter it?

Three: Food. Two weeks without it. This is a problem, but perhaps not one for right now. Two weeks is a long time, but with five survivors and two cans of baked beans, your problem is likely number four.

Four: Sanity. You can survive without it, sure, god knows how many have done for their whole lives, but while you will go to whatever lengths, or depths, to get numbers one, two or three, this is one that may slip from your grasp without you even knowing. Here most of all. Here at the top of the world, in early summer, the thing that saved these men may take their sanity in return. The sun does not set. Day does not turn into night. And while the light may have shown them where to swim after the crash, how can one even count the days until rescue if the first day never, ever ends?

….okay so does anyone remember when the idiot project was a silly documentary about football? Let’s break the tension right here. All these guys survive. Most will thrive, made stronger from their experiences. But their experiences are… *torrid* to say the least.

They find a shack. One just about big enough so that, if you throw all the junk out, you can huddle four men on the floor, with one, the injured Henriksen, occupying the one chair. There is a window, albeit with no glass, and a roof. This is their home for today.

Aer and Erlis will only add to their injuries via a fight over beans: Not over *who gets to eat them* but *whether they should eat them now or later, when they are starving*. Either way, there appear to be no animals and no vegetation on this rock, and from what they can make out, no fish in the sea. Most of the beans go to Henriksen, whose injured arm is only festering with time.

Later that day, or perhaps the next day, it’s impossible to tell, they eat the beans. Invigorated by what may be their only meal on the island, one of the emptied cans is crushed, and a game of football is played on the beach. We don’t know the score. We do know this, however.

Half the world away, the qualifiers for World Cup 56 are in full swing. And it’s time for the first meeting of Astograth and Polar Islandstates.

Astograth vs Polar Islandstates. A football game rudely interrupts Society of the Snow

Before the game, Astograthian captain Estebe Bularte, of Iturributa United, shakes hands with Polarian captain Petter Bielsen, also of Iturributa United. No words are exchanged. There are none to say. The news of the missing footballers has long been the dominant story on front and back page in the two nations. Players from both teams are emotionally affected, naturally, but so far they haven’t let that get to them. Polar Islandstates are in the mix at the top of the qualifying group, Astograth not far behind.

Behind by an early Peter Bielsen goal to nil, Astograth apply the pressure, eventually forcing an equaliser after Ormache and Sarlange rekindle their old Ituraitz FC partnership on the way to 1-1. Astograth now set themselves up to go for the kill, but have overlooked the movile threat of midfielder Alexsandr van Sorensen. The Polarian plays a purple through-ball for Ackermann-Finn to finish and, at the death, hits a sparkling vermillion volley to take the game, three-one.

Polarian energy has overcome Astograthian method. It won’t be for the last time this week.

Thousands of miles north, another Astograthian goes in for the kill. It’s Erlis. Etlis the calm. Thoughtful. A man who, in the crash, had lost a book entitled “Worldly Philosophers: A History of Economic Theory”. He lies, motionless. Waiting. In his right hand, a knife.

A few metres beyond his position, a seal. A fat, blubbery, protein-rich seal. Sitting there looking like the kebab shop at the end of a night out.

Erlis waited. Motionless. The rough, sharp rocks bit into his skin, but he couldn't afford a single movement.

No, not until a seal got close to his hiding place. Then he'd jump out and stab it with his knife, so carefully carved out of stone. Then probably wrestle it to the ground until it died or something. To be honest, he didn't know a thing about seals, so he was just hoping it was that easy.

Spying through a crevice in the rocks he hid behind, the sea creatures were flopping around about twenty metres away. Closer than they'd been an hour ago, but not close enough. Well, maybe it was close enough, but he wasn't taking any chances. They'd done without proper food for long enough, and they couldn't even find ants to eat like he'd seen in a nature program. Too weak to even think straight, Erlis was, and so he'd sat there for hours upon hours waiting for the stupid seals to waddle into stabbing range.“
:- Astograth, 2011-07-29

From the corner of his eye, to his horror, Tomas Aer charges in, wielding a bit of wood. The seal has seen him before Erlis, and duly escapes into the ocean.

Both men are disconsolate. Had this happened a few days ago there may have been a fight. Things by now are too desperate.

A few days later, however, there is another chance at a meal.

Finn knew Magnus was going slightly round the bend, but he didn't expect to see him knee deep in the bitingly cold Kuril Sea, facing out towards the horizon, staring wide-eyed and not blinking. Erlis and Morriyas were already there, slumped on a boulder, observing the scene with tired and depressed eyes. Finn limped towards the scene with caution.

"Magnus," approaching slowly, though rather more by bodily limitations than tact, put his hand on Magnus' shoulder, "Ragnorak? It's me, Finn, are you okay?"

No answer.

"What are you looking at, Magnus? Eh? What are you looking at?" Following Ragnorak's gaze, Finn took his eyes and cast them over the distant ocean. Nothing.

Suddenly, Ragnorak stirred into life, and grabbed Finn’s arm suddenly whilst turning to stare him in the eye. Wild, mad eyes peeked out from behind the mass of matted hair that now covered most of his face. Fiercely, Magnus grabbed Finn's cheeks, and viciously moved his head to point in the direction he wanted.

Squinting, Finn searched hard, willing Ragnorak to be right. He couldn't see anything.

"What is it?" cried Aer from behind, "is it a boat? Are we being saved?"

Deciphering what little English they knew, Erlis and Morriyas picked out the vital words and stood up in anticipation.

“I see something. In the waves. It's not a boat, it's way, way too small, and far nearer than we thought."

Catching on, Aer leaned in close, "Is, is that a seal?"

Suddenly, the grizzly truth hit home and slammed into the pit of Finn's stomach like a thunderbolt.

"Guys, it's, it's the pilot." stammered Finn.
:- Polar Islandstates, 2011-07-29

"I've been thinking about the pilot," he said as Morriyas sat down on the ground beside him.

"Poor guy, yeah. We should give him some kind of burial before it's, you know, too late,"

"I...I didn't mean that," Erlis was finding it increasingly hard to speak.

"Tell me you're not thinking about eating the pilot. Laurgain, look me in the eyes and tell me that,"

Erlis looked at the floor. He refused to believe his sanity was slipping.

"Like the saying goes...desperate times call for desperate measures,"

Morriyas jumped up, outraged.

"Laurgain! Think about it for a second! That is - was - a man like you and me. Clearly it's not your case, but I'd rather starve than live knowing I ate a man. I'm going to bury him,"

"You're not thinking about this rationally," said Erlis at last, exasperated.

"Rationality doesn't come into this!"

"Let's vote on it,"

Morriyas shook his head slowly before turning to walk down to the shore.

"You're insane," he muttered.”
:- Astograth, 2011-07-30

by **The Idiot Project** » Tue Apr 29, 2025 4:56 pm

10

A Tern of the Tides
Written: January 2023

Time passes. A search effort that has not come close to finding the five men has been called off. Magnus Ragnorak has begun to talk to a rock

<bit about that Ragnorak and his rock needs to go here>

That's it. That's the long bit about Ragnorak. The most interesting character on the island and I never got around to writing about him.

A few hundred kilometres away, in an underfunded radar station, Karla Mikkel is sifting through high definition satellite photographs taken of the area. This is not her job. She doesn’t get paid enough to do that, let alone this, yet here she is, overlaying image after image on one another to try to find something, anything, that might point to where this aeroplane crashed.

Ordering the last two files for that page and pushing her heavy set glasses back up her nose, Karla clicked the button that made the software do a rough lining up of how the images would look on grid form. The machine whirred into life, the little mocking hourglass turning and turning, until the composite image flashed up on her, line by line.

From here on in, it was usually a case of zooming right into the edges of the photographs, and making sure they lined up perfectly with the photographs around it, before sending it off for analysis and filing away. It was a slow and heavy process, but Karla was a meticulous person, and she liked the work. If you're the kind of person who gets annoyed if the cutlery in the draw doesn't all spoon each other in the same direction, then perhaps data entry might be worth looking into as a career.

As the third or fourth line flashed up however, something attracted Karla's attention. Putting down her coffee mug, she leaned in for a closer look. There was definitely something there other than the endless sweeps of blue-green that made up the ocean. She was used to seeing small islands crop up from time to time. Most of them were known already, so when she heard nothing back from the analysis department about them she didn't raise much of an eyebrow, even seeing ships wasn't an unheard of thing. But this was neither.

At first glance it looked like an ink blot had landed on the screen and somebody had tried to wipe it away, but this was a computer screen, that couldn't be right.

Could it be?

No, surely it couldn't... could it?“
:- Polar Islandstates, 2011-08-03

Karla has not given up, and neither has Astograth’s national football team. They have not lost since their defeat to Polar Islandstates in the first round of qualifying. Even so, they find themselves in the penultimate game requiring a win over Polaria to keep their chances of qualifying alive. In the arctic north, perhaps only a few dozen kilometres from the lost men, the Terns and the Olibondeka play out a nil-all draw. Polar Islandstates go on to defeat Osarius in the playoffs to qualify for the World Cup in only their second attempt.

It’s good news to all but three Polarians. Finn Henrikson’s condition has gotten worse. The wound from his arm break has turned. During an expedition inland, he will not be able to stop himself from falling, and will injure himself further. Without medical attention, he will die.

........................................................................................	........................................................................................
The sound of a mosquito caught Aer’s attention. A mosquito? There hadn't been any flying life on this island since they got here, it wasn't exactly the season for them either. Aer frowned, why would a- He leapt up, his legs suddenly full of energy. Yes! There! In the sky!" "Laurgain! Erlis! Morriyas! Finn! Magnus! Finn! Henriksen! Erlis! Erlis! Morriyas!" Aer shoted their names, first names, last names, whatever. He needed them to see it as well. He needed them to see it and prove to him that this wasn't just some cruel trick played on his mind by his desperate imagination. The plane was getting closer now, Aer could almost make it out. A single seater by the looks of it. Not big enough to carry them or even land in the first place, but it was something. Suddenly, Aer remembered the smoke, and ran to what was left of the shack to kick about in the embers and ash, kicking up dust and clouds of black smoke that drifted lazily before falling again. Was it enough? Would the pilot see them? If he wasn't looking for them there was always that chance... "Oh, oh, OH!" shouted Erlis, sitting up quickly, Morriyas following suit, pointing and shouting. Running along the island, Aer did star jumps at the end of the plateau as the plane began to disappear, the mosquito noise subsiding. Had he seen them?	.
.	"Did you find one?" asked Morriyas without looking up. "Aye, this rock makes sparks. Will it work with this though?" said Erlis, pointing at the gathered tinder. "It's all we have". The Ituraitzi kneeled with difficulty and tried to start the fire. "How's Finn?" he asked Morriyas. "Faint. The injury's horrific, and so's his arm at this point” "Is Ragnorak still petting that blasted rock of his?" asked Erlis before hitting his fingers with the iron and cursing loudly. "Yeah. Talks to it too." At last, the sparks lit up one of the leaves, and the three of them started to fan it carefully. Aer arrived, panting.
"Um, guys? What do we do when we have the fire?" “Txaki txirraki big” “Oh”	“Um, guys, Børk do børk do børk børk have the fire?” "We make it big” "Oh”
Was that it? Did those wings dip from side to side? Aer didn't imagine it, surely? That would be too cruel. A direct passover by a plane that didn't even spot them would just be so horrible. He didn't want to believe it. He ran back to the Astograthi, Ragnorak still tending to his rock like nothing had happened.	.
"Erlis, Morriyas, did you see those wings dip?!" "Er, deep?" The pair looked at each other, puzzled. "Yeah, dip. You know..."	“Erlis, Morriyas, did you børk those wings børk? “Er, dip?” “Yeah, børk, you børk?”
Holding out his arms like a plane, Aer mimed the up down dipping of the wings that was the international symbol for a plane spotting anyone needing rescue from below, but the message was lost in translation.	.
:- Polar Islandstates, August 4th 2011 (Abridged)	:- Astograth, August 3rd 2011 (Abridged)

As I said at the start. They all survive. The four men carry a now unconscious Finn Henriksen to the rescue boat that responds to the message sent by this waggly-winged aeroplane.

They are safe. All five will resume their roles in the multiverse.

Bayardo Morriyas had played for Royal Association, a staunch team of the Astograthian establishment, his entire career. His return from apparent death only furthered his legend among fans of the club, right up until Iturributa declared independence. To the horror of Royal Association’s fans, he declared allegiance to the new republic, going on to manage the Iturributan National Team between cycles 62 and 65.

Laurguain Erlis also had a rebellious streak in him. The long time Ituraitz FC captain would manage an Ituraitz “National” team at the first World Cuppet. Previously pragmatic almost to a fault, Erlis became more open emotionally after the incident, although would rarely, if ever, talk about what happened on the island. His nephew, Maurin, would go on to play for Ituraitz FC.

Maurin’s arrival at Ituraitz coincided with the retirement of Tomas Aer, who had joined the Astograthian club - or Iturributan club, depending on who you ask - from Jan Mayen shortly after the incident. He would return to the club as manager at the start of the IFCF era, lasting three seasons before ending his managerial career at Cap Nordique of Donnaconna.

Magnus Ragnorak would become WCC President between cycles 64 and 66. A full retrospective of his life would take a whole episode.

Finn Henriksen, who further injured himself during a hopeless, exhausted expedition up a hill, breaking his leg horribly, wakes up in hospital without even having witnessed his and everyone’s rescue. He will find that his leg has been amputated. He’ll have a brief moment where he realises that his football career is over, and then. And then he is *never mentioned again*. He is first mentioned on the flight over to open this youth centre. He breaks his arm in a plane crash, goes through sheer despair, loses his leg, never plays football again and that’s that.

Except that’s *technically* not true. In the same Cuppet tournament that saw Laurguain Erlis take charge of a breakaway Ituraitz national team, Finn Henriksen would be listed as playing for a rebel Kuril Archipelago national team. Nothing else is mentioned about him. Like, for example, *how he is able to play football*. I eventually even just asked PIS myself.

Audio — 19/04/2023, 16:19
I read your and Asto's plane crash RP last year. Finn Henriksen goes through an inordinate amount of human suffering and then you never mention him again
I wanted to yell at you about never mentioning him again
PIS — 19/04/2023, 16:19
Ooooh
Which tournament was that
Audio — 19/04/2023, 16:20
your second one. 56?
PIS — 19/04/2023, 16:20
Might need to reread that
Though he might getting on a bit
Audio — 19/04/2023, 16:20
Mriin occasionally reminds me of storylines I completely forgot about and makes me finish them off. This is me doing this to you
PIS — 19/04/2023, 17:26
Okay he apparently was fit enough to be in the Kuril squad at a subsequent Cuppet so apparently I didn't attribute much cultural significance to him...
Audio — 19/04/2023, 18:42
I saw this and figured it was an error
Or the one leg thing was solved
still, figured it was worth mentioning
glad to have you back by the way
PIS — 19/04/2023, 20:08
Thanks!
Nice to be back

I vote that the reader can choose to infer their own ending to Finn Henriksen's story.

I’m calling it a prosthetic leg.

by **The Idiot Project** » Wed Apr 30, 2025 4:35 pm

11

The Olive Branches
Written: January 2023

Back, finally, to the football.

We left Polar Islandstates in the finals of World Cup 56. There, a 1-1-1 record will be enough to see the Terns through on goal difference over qualifying groupmates The Archregimancy. In the knockouts, in two extra-time encounters, the side defeat Jeru FC and Bears Armed to reach the semi-final of the World Cup in only their second cycle. They would only be beaten, eventually, by a Sorthern Northland side who would go on to win the second of their consecutive World Cup titles, and then in the third-placed-playoff by an Aguazul side only a cycle away from being That Aguazul.

Polar Islandstates would make World Cup 57 at a canter. This is a side on a mission to prove their World Cup 56 semi-final appearance was not just a fluke. Here, they run out 5-2 winners over the Sylvanes Queendom, 5-1 victors over Chetkosk, and even the famed Holy Empire can’t stop the Terns running roughshod over them. Polar Islandstates would breeze through to the knockouts.

Now ranked in the top twenty, it’s here that the Polarians will have the opportunity to prove to the rest of the world that this is where they belong.

And who better to prove it against than Valanora.

take your hats off to Lars Hegg Gammel, without whose heroics against Valanora we would not be in the competition still. Against Fresco, Hearts, and Hawk, Gammel pulled off save after save in what could be the game of his life. Let's face it, he'll be able to dine out on that stoppage time save from Hawk's free kick for the rest of his life. On the balance of play, you'd have to say that the Vanorians deserved at least a draw, so the fact that we're through without the drama of extra time or penalty kicks is something we have to thank Gammel for.

Valanora took the lead though Fresco in the twelfth minute, leaving Gammel and Marek flat footed as the shot disected the pair of them, both leaving it for the other. Kirkkegaard was understandably annoyed to have conceded in such a way, ensuring that a clean sheet at the finals would continue to evade us, but Marek and Gammel's communication improved tenfold after that, something that was probably key to our progression. Timo Skye (who else?) was there in the thirty-seventh minute to level things up after picking up van Sorensen's through ball to slot in from close range. The goal was remarkably Skye's ninth goal in world cup finals, and takes him to five for the tournament.

In the second half, the onslaught came from Valanora, but the defence held firm. Our possession stats dropped to 40% and below, a worrying statistic for Kirkkegaard, leading to van Sorensen being replaced by Bielsen to shore things up in midfield. The tactic worked, and Bielsen's tackle was to set van Jendrisen away down the wing on a counter attack, ultimately leading to the corner from which Hansen scored to put us in front.

Valanora pushed hard, forcing Gammel into a string of impressive stops. Sol replaced Ackermann-Finn with Kowalski, playing a 5-3-1-1 formation for the last ten minutes, and it was Kowalski who gave away a free kick on the edge of the box with a minute of stoppage time remaining. Laborious Hawk lined up the shot, but when Gammel tapped the ball away for a corner, the fight seemed to leave the opposition, and the Terns were through.“
:- Polar Islandstates, 2011-11-28

Polaria’s victory over Valanora is narrow, but definite, although it should be repeated that this Vanorian team is still very much not their final form. Polar Islandstates would go on to reach the semi-finals for a second time in two World Cups. Already, in just their third cycle, the Polarians were a force to be reckoned with.

But let it also be understood that, of the two halves of the Ides of March derby, the Polarians are not the first of these teams to reach a major final.

Astograth had played in World Cup 57 alongside Polar Islandstates. Their qualifying run had been nothing short of miraculous. Group-mates Starblaydia had finished first in each of their previous fifteen qualifying groups, but found themselves five points behind Astograth late on in the season. That five point gap came with two asterisks. One, Starblaydia vs Astograth, in Jhanna, was Astograth’s final game. Two, Starblaydia’s game in hand meant they had another fixture after that.

Valrauncion gave Stabrlaydia the lead. Astograth rallied to find a reply.

A pass from Unzueta and Ormache found himself at the edge of the box. Before him, the full Starblaydi back line and possibly the best keeper of all time. He spotted Sarlange down the left, but surely he couldn't beat the keeper. Not from there...they'd need a terrific play to score. Something unexpected. So Ormache lobbed the ball to a spot a few metres in front of his strike partner, praying he would catch on. Mercifully, he did, and nodded the ball towards the penalty spot.

Ormache ran to meet it with his head, and felt time slow down in the split second before he connected. He knew he'd place it where Taniquentar couldn't reach. He knew this was the goal that would send them to the World Cup. In that infinitely brief moment before he struck, silence fell over the entire stadium, as if everyone had suddenly drawn breath. It was impossible, of course, but he felt it.

Images, both memories and conjecture, flashed in his mind all at once, a disjointed mess. The World Cup trophy. The sun over Ituraitz. The penalty he'd missed at the Baptism of Fire. Flares at Atochako Amayara. The dirt pitch he trained on as a youth at Izurria Pirates. The crowds gathered around screens all over Astograth, at home or in a bar or out in the street. The celebrations that would follow that night. His first goal. All the medals, kits and boots he kept in his trophy room. His fractured fibula at age eighteen. A nation paralyzed by expectation as he ran to meet the ball.
:- Astograth 2011-11-12

Starblaydia, rocked, contrived to lose their one remaining game and miss out even on the playoffs.

Astograth couldn’t make it out of the group stage of the World Cup, but were expecting bigger and better things from World Cup 58. They were perhaps a little *too* overconfident.

Which brings us to Cotdelapoms. Those slightly-awkward, weird-talking apple-lovers. No real Astograthian could forget Bernard Ouellette and Louis-Yves Lafayette, their campaigns at Sporting Iturributa and Urbizania Wanderers still remembered by the fans. Or Sacha Chrétien and the fearsome Jackson Diawara, who helped the Astograthians of FKM set the world alight not long ago... but enough with that, for we give no quarter in a World Cup qualifier! Interestingly enough we've never played the apple-lovers, even though we're quite close geographically. Whatever, should be easy enough even if they're eleventh-ranked in the world. Too busy with their hockey to care about us, hopefully.
:- Astograth, 2012-01-22

The Olbidondeka are thoroughly thrashed 7-3 by Cotdelapoms, but this is a humiliation the side resolved to bounce back from. Bounce back they did. Carasatoga were dispatched 8-1, Melbergia 10-1, Ossidiacqua 8-0, and while a chance at retribution against Cotdelapoms was squandered, it didn’t seem to matter. The side put together a record of 13 wins from 16 games, with just one draw, to secure a playoff spot.

Drawn at home for a one-legged playoff against a Chetkosk side that had stumbled into the playoffs after sitting in mid-table all season, Astograth were firm favourites to qualify for the World Cup for the second time.

After all: Not qualifying would be unthinkable from this position. Unprecedented. Not counting teams suspended for ceasing to exist, or from qualifying groups from which no team qualified automatically, no team in history up to World Cup 58 had *ever* failed to qualify from a record of 2.5 Points Per Game.

In front of their own fans, Chetkosk beat them 4-1.

A nightmare. Literally in this case, experienced by Astograthian striker Soter Sarlange.

Soter Sarlange ran into the net, picked up the ball and ran out, with no objections from keeper Anatoli Scherback. Not the first time this had happened, having faced off before in the Primeirona... but this was altogether different. A shot at the World Cup on the line, and he'd just made it 1-3 for Astograth. Twenty-five minutes left to climb a mountain... Sarlange didn't like to believe in miracles, but it would take one to get them out of this one. The Stadii se Draggonnii Arcea, maybe the largest he'd ever played in, was a cauldron of noise and primal feelings.

Say, he'd been running for a while now, and the centre-circle didn't look any closer. Sarlange didn't remember the pitch being this long. He turned around and dropped the ball when he saw himself surrounded by huge, bearded men. One was covered in a cloak, another had hair like fire, yet another bore a horned helmet and an eyepatch... they all saw him cower and they laughed, and Sarlange could do nothing but turn around and start running again, through what now looked like a sea of grass, his teammates nowhere in sight, the crowd mocking him.

While he ran, the giant stadium walls crumbled around him to reveal the deep black sky; ahead loomed a mountain. Or what looked like a mountain, for when it began to cackle Sarlange realised he was looking at the torso of something much larger. A face hid in the black clouds and the World Cup trophy hanged from a necklace... a pair of dice as large as cars fell near Sarlange. More cruel laughter, and a spectral voice that called out "Ones".

The pitch beneath him shattered like glass, and he fell through into darkness, screaming. He fell for what felt like forever, air raid sirens going off all around...

“Are you alright, Soter?”

Sarlange opened his eyes and saw Ormache leaning over him, the yellow glow of the hotel lighting behind him. He groaned, and rubbed his eyes.
:- Astograth 2012-02-15

This isn’t the end of the RP. It goes on to establish that Sarlange and Ormache share a room together when the national team travels. If you think I maybe should have included that bit and not implied they are both in some sort of same-sex relationship, fair enough, but give me some credit. I successfully prevented myself from cutting off the last word from the quote.

Both players are ever-presents in the early days of Astograthian football. The pair came to prominence at Ituraitz FC, the former an obvious candidate for a club favourite. Cocky, egotistical, the sort of striker who would kick a cornerflag into the air when he was frustrated, but also one who had refused to celebrate in front of Starblaydia’s home fans when Astograth’s World Cup 57 qualification had come at the Starblaydi’s expense. Sarlange was bred for success. For strike partner Ormache, the route to the top was less straightforward. As if it wasn’t enough that he grew up to be five foot six, Ormache was often the slowest player on the field. The victim of a vicious leg-break early in his career, Ormache would drop down the divisions with Izurria Pirates and Gortz United before, having regained his form and confidence, breaking back into the Ituraitz team and forming this telepathic partnership with Sarlange. The pair would part ways soon enough, with Sarlange joining Euran talisman Lee Sharp and Polarian powerhouse Alexsandr van Sorensen at CR Submiria, and Ormache winning Divisjon One with SK Franz Josef City. Nevertheless, they retained their partnership for the national team from World Cup 55 through to this, their first attempt at the Cup of Harmony.

They’d reach the final.

After a tense two-all draw, it came to penalties. Both Soter Sarlange and Dei Ormache would step up. Both would score. Their opponents would flounder, and the deciding penalty would fall to Milian Erburu, a veteran of that first Ides of March encounter, playing his final game for the national team.

Bewildered, Milian Erburu stepped up to take the penalty that could give the Cup to Astograth. He'd asked to be on the list, despite being a defender. He was the vice-captain, 34 and would be retiring from international football. He'd barely played this cycle. He needed to feel important again.

In all his career, he'd never taken a penalty. He did not miss.
:- Astograth 2012-02-26

It wouldn’t take long for Polar Islandstates to take home silverware themselves. In the next Copa Rushmori, held in Astograth, Timo Skye would lift the regional championship for the first time. Both sides qualified for World Cups 59 and 60, with Polar Islandstates adding a second Copa Rushmori at the start of cycle 61.

The sides came into the qualifiers ranked in the top twenty. Both would win their group. Finally, after two group stage exits in a row, Astograth would make it to the second round. Polar Islandstates would join them and, after a win apiece, their paths would cross once again.

By this time, Soter Sarlange and Alexsandr van Sorensen were the only survivors of the original Ides of March game at the start of cycle 55.

World Cup 61 - Quarter Final

.                Gammel
        Oyen-Spekke   Urfstadt
    Folke        Hauge         Juul
          Lepke         Vik
             van Sorenson 
        Kvitchenko Elmsvikur:- Polar Islandstates 2012-07-31

.               Sarlange
Guerrikaechebarria Laquen      Unzueta
            Galeano    Alberro
  Galard      Adin     Bocandé  Uranga
                Larretape

:- Astograth 2012-08-04

And here is where you would put the TIP ending. Music, images, using what little skills and equipment I have at my disposal to link the happenings of the game to the history between the two teams.

In text form, you’re better off just reading the RP

by **The Idiot Project** » Wed Apr 30, 2025 5:18 pm

12

The Final Form
Written: N/A

Astograth’s prizes for overcoming their greatest rivals are bragging rights, which are all important, and a place in the semi-finals.

There, waiting for them, is a Chekhov’s Final Form of Valanora.

Valanora prove too strong for Astograth, win the final 7-1, and duly stake a claim to immortality that cannot reasonably be argued against.

Again, this is more of a music-and-images thing. It’s taken a dozen episodes and almost 30,000 words and the ending is “hey yeah I’ll figure this out when I make it”.

There are a few reasons why this video series never got made, and a lack of ability to carve a proper story out of the long journey from Praying2God to Astograth is one of them. Like, a story story. One you could summarise.

Thus ends the January 2023 attempt at TIP6. The October 2024 version is up next.

13

The Hoop
Written: October 2024

When I was seven years old, I played a sport. It was called Roll The Hoop And Then Jump Through It. The rulebook is simple and comprises just sixteen words, including the title:

Roll The Hoop And Then Jump Through It
Roll the hoop, and then jump through it

There are two techniques, roll and backspin. The former involves releasing the hoop at some velocity and then running as fast as you can after it, overtaking it ever so slightly, and vaulting through the aperture at maximum perpendicularity. The latter, as you can guess from the name, is much much easier to execute, but its set-up requires a knowledge of friction, momentum and precession that seven year old me was sadly not privy to.

Nevertheless, I put the time in, and after practising for upwards of twelve, maybe thirteen minutes I felt I was ready to go pro. With the absence of a professional league, I had to make do with the next best thing. Claiming the fleeting attention of my teacher, Ms Oglivie.

“Miss”, I said. “Watch this”.
So she turned, and she watched, And I rolled the hoop, and I ran. And what happened next was so dissimilar from a successful jump through a hoop that it must have been difficult for Ms Oglivie to piece together what it was I was even trying to do. "Watch this" could have meant, for all she knew, 'come and watch me hunt this hoop' or 'look at how i can stop this hoop's momentum by jumping on it'.

“Well done,” she said, as I flattened the hoop with all the grace of a well-trebucheted horse. “Great job”.

Undeterred, I gave myself three consecutive successful practice runs before calling her over once again.

“Okay” I said. “Watch this. I’ll do it this time”. I carefully rolled the hoop, but too carefully. It was already falling by the time I started my dive. I landed on top of it.

“Well done” said Ms. Oglivie, noting that I had, yet again, successfully recaptured the escaping hoop. She left. I stayed on the ground.

As I got older, I would hit that hoop more often than I got through it. What little composure I had would desert me at the very moment I needed all of it. With victory in sight, I would be too timid or, even more cravenly, too aggressive. But my failures are my own, forgotten by absolutely everyone but me. It’s a whole different beast to present yourself to the viewing public and, before an audience of millions, hit the hoop.

And then, of course, it started happening on NS. When it comes to the finals of major tournaments, Audioslavians hit the hoop. Indeed, in at least one metric, the second biggest upset of all time came with Audioslavia's national team as the butt of the joke.

The Upset Metric assigns a figure to a football match to decide how much of an upset it is. The higher the number, the bigger the upset. Click here for the full version

The Aesthetic has mentioned this Upset Metric before. It's a little simplistic, and doesn't quite work on all scales, but it's fun. You take the difference in ranking points between two teams and multiply that by the goal difference in a game. It kind of doesn't work one way, because it suggests Schottia 12-2 Lynchberg is the game that least resembles an upset, when a 3-0 victory would have been certainly more likely than somehow scoring 12 goals in a win and not getting a scorigami out of it. It's fun to look at the other way around, though. Where, in history, has a team been utterly walloped by a much lower ranked one? And what's the biggest upset?

Riena 3-0 Vilita in World Cup 85. Vilita were very good in the early 80s and had a high rank. Riena were also very good, and were challenging near the top of the standings despite being in their debut cycle. Vilita, already qualified, just got outplayed and beaten. It's a little disappointing to have as the 'biggest' upset in a metric.

The second biggest upset, though, is a doozy. World Cup 21. Audioslavia are one of the highest ranked teams in the world, but are making tough work of a group that includes Kylaai, Haperd and Oceaice. The side will qualify automatically, with none of their opponents able to mount a consistent challenge at the top, but they're 5-1-2 and making a bit of a meal out of it.

And then up comes a team called Sonaron, who duly spank the Bulls - or the Slaves, as they were known then for some reason - three nil.

Hey, here's an RP, let's look at it.

SONARON 3, SONOFABITCHES 0
Heaviest defeat in sixty-four years sees mass over-haul of 'slave team

Audioslavia manager Didi Romanov has refused to talk to any press after Audioslavia were butt-fucked 3-0 by bottom-side Sonaron yesterd...
:- Audioslavia 2005-03-04

I swear, one day I'm just going to dedicate a post to going through the absolute worst, most cringeworthy moments of Lancrean-Era Audioslavia.

Getting pumped by a rank-less team isn't great, but it's not the only way to hit the hoop. Another, more spectacular way to hit the hoop is to have a commanding lead that you go on to completely throw away. And the bigger the lead, the more spectacular the collision.

Here’s two metrics we can use to find the most egregious hitter of hoops in the history of qualifying. Teams who threw away a big lead with only a handful of games to go, and teams who exploded out of the blocks in the first half of qualifying, only to lose form and focus at the business end of the competition.

Flash defeats can happen to anyone. Just take Polar Islandstates as an example, whose defeat to an unranked team named The Weegies, while ranked number one in the world, had everyone gutlaughing for a full week. That's the ninetieth biggest upset, by the way, with a score of 57.03.

But what takes real dedication is building the gap yourself, and slowly losing it over time. Matchday by matchday, in front of a growing crowd of rubberneckers.

by **The Idiot Project** » Thu May 01, 2025 7:27 am

14

Prolly Qualified
Written: October 2024

Here’s the amount of points you get for winning on matchday one of qualifying.

3

As of World Cup 98 (when research for this episode finished), here’s how many times a team won their opening fixture in their qualifying group.

4922

And of these 4,922 teams to have won their opening fixture, here’s how many went on to fail to qualify for the World Cup

2954 (60%)

This stands to reason. Sixty-something percent of teams fail to qualify for each World Cup full stop.

Okay. Let’s get this machine going. Two wins from two games.

Matchday	Points	Number of Teams	Those who Failed to Qualify	Percentage
2	6	2406	1074	44.6%

Three from three, but still didn’t qualify.

Matchday	Points	Number of Teams	Those who Failed to Qualify	Percentage
3	9	1389	443	31.9%

Won their first four from four, but still failed to qualify.

Matchday	Points	Number of Teams	Those who Failed to Qualify	Percentage
4	12	858	169	19.7%

Cool. Your chances of *not* qualifying for the World Cup, having won your first five games, is historically just one in five. Let’s keep going.

Matchday	Points	Number of Teams	Those who Failed to Qualify	Percentage
5	15	562	169	13.2%
6	18	361	20	5.5%

After 18 points from six games, we’re down to just 20 teams who have managed to mess that up. Only 361 have even done it in the first place. I think we can squeeze one more ding out of this machine. Let’s have a look.

Matchday	Points	Number of Teams	Those who Failed to Qualify	Percentage
7	21	227	8	4%

7 teams. 7 teams have failed to qualify having gone 7 wins from 7. Beautiful.

But when we look at the identity of these teams, we don’t quite get the catastrophic hoop-hitting performances we desire.

Landau Institute, for example, were playing in World Cup 54, the competition with the double playoff system, meaning they were given a whole new group to mess up qualifying. We can discount them. Weirdly enough, two of these are from the same World Cup. In cycle 60, Kulverint and Wight both won all of their matches in the first half of qualifying, but their final records of 10-1-3 and 10-2-2 respectively would only prove good enough for second place, and each team was dumped out in the playoffs.

Here’s one other example: Osarius. World Cup 52. But..

…This is a twelve-team group. It’s only the first of three times in history that a World Cup has featured groups of 12 or more in qualifying. Osarius were ranked 64th in the world and had to play on through fifteen more games. It’s… just less impressive if you fail after going 100% in less than the first third of your campaign.

Like the Upset Metric, we can’t guarantee ourselves a fun hoop-hitter just by running these numbers. A properly embarrassing climb-down requires a team to maintain a 100% record from the start, but only if that perfect run of games takes them well into the second half of qualifying.

I could do with building a new machine. While I’m here though, how high can we go? Is 7-from-7 and failing to qualify after getting each and every one of the first 21 points the highest this goes?

Matchday	Points	Number of Teams	Those who Failed to Qualify	Percentage
8	24	170	1	1.2%

Wow. Someone failed to qualify after winning eight from eight.

Matchday	Points	Number of Teams	Those who Failed to Qualify	Percentage
9	27	130	1	0.8%

What on earth...

One team won their first NINE games and failed to qualify.

Let me quickly check how many games they needed to play in total..

Okay. Their group contained only six other teams. They won NINE out of just TWELVE games and failed to qualify.

What manner of clown-ass football team could possibly have...

Brenecia: WC73

Nine matchdays in, three games to go, Brenecia have already secured a playoff spot for World Cup 73. I mean of course they have. They’ve won nine times in nine games. All they need to do now is see the group out, but it’s admittedly not that easy. In a theme we’ll pick up later, these two-tiered groups, with a heap of teams on very few points, and the top teams beating them consistently, tend to be unforgiving. Either way, an away draw with Dainer puts them four clear with two games to go. All Brenecia have to do to qualify, right now, is draw this next game against the team second in the group. Fortunately for Brenecia, they have a rank advantage over their opponents, who came into this cup as the 68th best team in the world. Unfortunately for Brenecia, the team with the rank disadvantage is Starblaydia.

They lose. And Brenecia can’t even put the pressure on in the final matchday, drawing against a fledgling Reçueçn and finishing second by four points. Having won their first nine games of a twelve-game campaign.

Still, at least there’s a playoff, right?

Abanhfleft 4–1 Brenecia
Brenecia 0–1 Abanhfleft (1-5 agg)

The other metric we need to look at regards teams who have lost a big lead over the final few matchdays of qualifying to end up missing out right at the last. It’s a cruel way to go. And, admittedly, a hilarious one. Here’s two quick examples. World Cup 37, Cafundeu.

Team            Pld  WDLRecord Pts
1 Milchama        9  6  3  20  21
2 Cafundéu        9  7  0  25  21
---------------------------------
3 Jasīyūn         9  4  2  12  14
---------------------------------
4 New Brittonia   9  3  3   8  12
5 Rugiero         9  2  3  13  9
6 Miroxia         9  2  3   7  9
7 Jariss          9  2  2  11  8
8 The Coshairs    9  1  2  10  5

With just five games to go, Cafundeu are joint top of Group 8, seven points clear of Jasiyun. They drop points to Jariss and…

Team             Pld WDLRecord Pts
1 Milchama        10  7  3  25  24
2 Cafundéu        10  7  0  26  21
---------------------------------
3 Jasiyun         10  5  2  14  17
---------------------------------
4 New Brittonia   10  3  3   8  12
5 Jariss          10  3  2  14  11
6 Rugiero         10  2  3  14  9
7 Miroxia         10  2  3   7  9
8 The Coshairs    10  2  2  11  8

…it doesn’t seem to affect them. Cafundeu are, after all, one of the great sides of the late Jolt, early modern era. They come back to beat the group’s bottom team and, shortly after that, overcome group leaders Milchama to re-take a share of first place.

Team             Pld WDLRecord Pts
1 Cafundéu        12  9  0  32  27
2 Milchama        12  8  3  27  27
---------------------------------
3 Jasiyun         12  6  3  17  21
---------------------------------
4 Jariss          12  4  3  19  15
5 New Brittonia   12  3  4  10  13
6 Miroxia         12  2  5  12  11
7 Rugiero         12  2  4  17  10
8 The Coshairs    12  2  2  14   8

The top two teams here will qualify, and here Cafundeu are in first, six points clear of third. With two games to go.

Team             Pld WDLRecord  Pts
1 Milchama        13  8  4  28  28
2 Cafundéu        13  9  0  34  27
---------------------------------
3 Jasiyun         13  7  3  20  24
---------------------------------
4 New Brittonia   13  4  4  11  16
5 Jariss          13  4  4  20  16
6 Miroxia         13  3  5  13  14
7 Rugiero         13  2  4  17  10
8 The Coshairs    13  2  2  14   8

This six-pointer defeat to Jasiyun doesn’t even matter. You’re at home against the team in second to last place. Just take a point.

Team            Pld  WDLRecord Pts
1 Milchama       14  9  4  30  31
2 Jasiyun        14  8  3  21  27
---------------------------------
3 Cafundéu       14  9  0  34  27
---------------------------------
4 New Brittonia  14  5  4  15  19
5 Jariss         14  4  4  20  16
6 Miroxia        14  3  5  13  14
7 Rugiero        14  3  4  19  13
8 The Coshairs   14  2  2  15   8

Cafundeu do not.

Losing a seven point lead with five games to go is unfortunate, but losing a six point lead with two to go is carelessness, as I believe Arnold Schwarzenegger once said. Either way, Cafundeu would actually qualify anyway, via the playoffs, and make it as far as the quarter-finals.

South Covello would not be so fortunate.

Group 9                                 Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 South Covello                         13   10   2   1    29   10  +19    32
 2 Nephara                               13    7   4   2    27   17  +10    25
 3 Græntfjall                            13    7   4   2    24   15   +9    25
 4 Indusse                               13    7   4   2    30   18  +12    25
 5 Kandorith                             13    6   5   2    23   19   +4    23
 6 Baggieland                            13    4   3   6    30   29   +1    15
 7 Garbelia                              13    3   1   9    17   30  −13    10
 8 Sett Forest                           13    2   3   8    14   26  −12     9
 9 Pluvia and the Saxean Isles           13    2   2   9    19   34  −15     8
10 Quemorr Isles                         13    2   2   9    18   33  −15     8

World Cup 87, Group 9, five games to go. South Covello are seven points clear at the very summit of the group. There is one automatic qualifying place and, to all intents and purposes it is theirs. Nephara, Graintfjall, Indusse and the rest are playing for second place.

South Covello 2–3 Kandorith

Group 9                                 Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 South Covello                         14   10   2   2    31   13  +18    32
 2 Nephara                               14    8   4   2    29   18  +11    28
 3 Græntfjall                            14    8   4   2    25   15  +10    28
 4 Indusse                               14    7   5   2    33   21  +12    26
 5 Kandorith                             14    7   5   2    26   21   +5    26
 6 Baggieland                            14    4   3   7    30   30    0    15
 7 Garbelia                              14    3   1  10    18   32  −14    10
 8 Sett Forest                           14    2   4   8    15   27  −12    10
 9 Pluvia and the Saxean Isles           14    2   3   9    22   37  −15     9
10 Quemorr Isles                         14    2   3   9    19   34  −15     9

And, er, so are Kandorith, it seems, creeping back into contention with that upset. The gap is now four. What’s the worst that could happen now? Well it’s certainly not a win over Sett Forest in their next game and, following that, a defeat to the team in fourth place on a day where neither of the top three win.

                                Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 South Covello                 16   11   2   3    33   14  +19    35
 2 Nephara                       16    9   5   2    30   18  +12    32
 3 Græntfjall                    16    9   5   2    29   18  +11    32
 4 Indusse                       16    8   6   2    37   24  +13    30
 5 Kandorith                     16    7   7   2    27   22   +5    28
 6 Baggieland                    16    4   3   9    32   35   −3    15
 7 Garbelia                      16    4   1  11    22   36  −14    13
 8 Quemorr Isles                 16    3   3  10    24   38  −14    12
 9 Pluvia and the Saxean Isles   16    3   3  10    25   40  −15    12
10 Sett Forest                   16    2   5   9    15   29  −14    11

With Goal Difference in their favour, South Covello might just need one win from their final two games. As it turns out, they can’t even score one goal.

                                Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 Nephara                       18   11   5   2    37   20  +17    38
 2 South Covello                 18   11   4   3    33   14  +19    37
 3 Græntfjall                    18   10   6   2    31   19  +12    36
 4 Kandorith                     18    9   7   2    33   24   +9    34
 5 Indusse                       18    8   7   3    39   28  +11    31
 6 Baggieland                    18    4   4  10    34   39   −5    16
 7 Pluvia and the Saxean Isles   18    4   4  10    28   40  −12    16
 8 Garbelia                      18    4   2  12    23   38  −15    14
 9 Quemorr Isles                 18    3   4  11    24   40  −16    13
10 Sett Forest                   18    2   5  11    15   35  −20    11

0-0 versus Indusse. 0-0 versus Baggieland. Their seven-point lead becomes a one point deficit. They lose out in the playoffs.

So… which is funnier? A team failing to qualify after winning their first seven games, or a team failing to qualify by throwing away a seven-point lead within their final seven games?

The answer, of course, is both.

The Weegies’s involvement in World Cup football dates back to World Cup 7, where the side would earn its reputation for being utterly unpredictable. Fourth, third and fourth in their first few qualifying attempts, the team then proceeded to dominate early heavyweights Snub Nose 38, Ariddia and Cockbill Street to qualify for World Cup 10 with a healthy thirteen-point cushion at the top of their group. Eliminated from qualifying for World Cup 11 on Goal Difference, The Weegies set their sights on World Cup 12 where, to everyone’s complete bewilderment, they put in a horrific performance as third seeds, finishing seventh out of eight teams.

The same team in World Cup 10 and World Cup 12.

As World Cup 13 rolled around, nobody knew what the Weegies were capable of this time.

The answer turned out to be seven wins in seven games. Back in those days, with 100 or fewer entrants to the World Cup, the top three teams from each group would go through. The gap between The Weegies and the first non-qualification spot is therefore, at this stage, eight points. As of World Cup 12, only eight teams had put that kind of 100% record together over the first seven games of qualifying, and each had gone on to qualify for the last 32.

Top seeds Giant Zucchini and rivals Sliponia defeat The Weegies in matchdays eight and nine, but three further wins on the bounce put the side on a healthy 10-0-2 record.

Team                   Pld WDLRecord Pts
1 Giant Zucchini        12 10  2  0  32
2 The Weegies           12 10  0  2  30
3 Sliponia              12  8  3  1  27
---------------------------------------
4 One Red Dot           12  8  2  2  26
5 Timway                12  6  2  4  20
6 NASTIC Two            12  2  5  5  11
7 The Alan Belmore Army 12  2  2  8  8
8 Lennon Marx           12  1  4  7  7
9 Jagiellonia           12  0  4  8  4
10 Crystilakere         12  0  2  10 2

The gap is four points, and remains at four despite defeat to NASTIC 2. Struggling Jagiellonia are cast aside while Sliponia win a six-pointer against One Red Dot, meaning with just four games to go, The Weegies have a seven point advantage over fourth place.

Team                   Pld WDLRecord Pts
1 Giant Zucchini        14 12  2  0  38
2 The Weegies           14 11  0  3  33 -
3 Sliponia              14  9  3  2  30  |_ Seven points
---------------------------------------  |
4 One Red Dot           14  8  2  4  26 -
5 Timway                14  7  2  5  23
6 NASTIC 2              14  4  5  5  17
7 The Alan Belmore Army 14  3  2  9  11
8 Lennon Marx           14  2  4  8  10
9 Crystilakere          14  1  2 11   5
10.Jagiellonia          14  0  4 10   4

One Red Dot fail to capitalise on The Weegies’s defeat to Timway, closing the gap only to six, and it’s at this point that the hosts officially stamp The Weegies with these two damning words.

But The Weegies are due to see out their qualifying campaign with fixtures against the three teams around them. One Red Dot, Giant Zucchini and Sliponia. From three six-pointers in a row, they get one point, and duly become not only the first team in history to fail to qualify after winning their opening seven games, but also the first team to let a seven point lead slip in the closing fixtures of a qualifying campaign.

Suffice to say, they are the first and last to do both.

A seven point lead. Seven wins in seven games. Seven. There’s something attractive about that word. That number. Seven. I can’t quite place it. Let’s follow it. It seems to be leading us somewhere. Somewhere far away, out of this world. For if we really, really want the best hitting-the-hoop action, we need to leave the planet. Leave the sport entirely. Sure, The Idiot Project has never covered anything other than football before, but we strongly believe that if you create a story worth telling, we will be there. Or, to put it another way:

If you build it, we will come.

by **The Idiot Project** » Thu May 01, 2025 7:35 am

15

Is the Base Corps Clutch?
Written: October 2024

On the 21st of October 2017, Drawkian journalists Jake Ryan and Jerry Schwartz pose the world a question. Is The Base Corps Clutch? To answer that question, we’ll need to understand it first. What is a base corps? It says here it’s a baseball team that represents Drawkland. Cool. Next questions: What does Clutch mean? What’s a Drawkland?

It turns out Drawkland is a nation in Sonnel. Cool. More on them later. Next: Clutch. Clutch is the opposite of what we talked about in Episode 6. Clutch is when you call Ms Oglivie over, tell her you’re going to jump through a hoop, and then you jump through the hoop.

Awesome. I have just one more question.

What’s baseball?

So you’re standing on a small hill holding a heavy white ball. You have to throw the ball into an imaginary box that’s eighteen and a half metres away. But there’s a guy. He’s got a big stick. He doesn’t want you to throw the ball in the imaginary box. If you throw it into the box three times without him hitting it, he has to go away. He’s out. If you throw the ball but miss the box four times he gets to go for a walk to somewhere called First Base, perpendicular to your left, and someone else with a stick will come and protect the box. Same rule applies, three box-throws, or ‘strikes’, and he has to go away. Four misses, or ‘balls’, and he gets to walk to first base. Oh, and if it’s a ball but he tries to hit it anyway, and he doesn’t, it’s a strike. It’s harder when there’s a guy on a base, because he might run to the next base, and then the next, and finally back home. If he does this, his team gets a point. Watch out for that. These guys can run whenever they want, but they’ll try especially hard just after someone’s hit the ball, because then the ball might go far away, and to get the bad guys out, you really need that thing.
Here’s how you can get the bad guys out. If they hit the ball and you catch it before it hits the ground, the guy who hits it is out. Also if you get the ball, you can tag them out when they’re not on a base. If you do that, the guy you tag is out. Also if they run to a base but you’re standing on it with the ball, that guy’s out. There’s also the first way of throwing the ball at the box, and also sometimes they get angry and try to fight you for throwing the ball at them. They’re out if they do that.
The field is a big quarter-circle. It can be however big or small you want it to be, within reason, but everyone understands that if someone hits the ball over the fence at the back, then they and everyone who’s standing on a base gets to walk around to score a point each.
Once you get three bad guys out, you change places. Now it’s your turn to protect the box. The team with the most points, after you’ve done this nine times each, wins.
Everyone knows how large the box is. It’s ‘oh you know about yay big, where your shoulders are, kinda, and somewhere between your knees and… yeah, ‘bout there, yay high’. Yet despite these incredibly detailed instructions, at the precise moments when it’s absolutely necessary for everyone to be on the same page, vis a vis the box, nobody can ever agree on how big it actually is. In my utterly unqualified opinion, the essence of baseball is this imaginary box. To be a good baseball team, you need guys who can throw the ball in and around the box in ways the other team can’t predict or can’t defend.

And Drawkland is a team that, for a couple of World Baseball Classics, completely disagreed with that assessment.

The very thing that made Drawkish soccer a force to be reckoned with immediately in World Cup competition - this is, after all, only the seventeenth team to have qualified for their debut cup, and only the seventh to have made their first three World Cups in a row - is the same thing that held them back in baseball. The Drawkian people, dapaticus altu, are tall. Toweringly so. Two metres and ten centimetres at the very least for a sportsman. They’re lean and sinewy with very high endurance and a high top speed, but the length of those limbs limits their acceleration. And it turns out, being very tall and having difficulty reaching top speed within twenty metres, are both massive disadvantages for batting. A longer distance from shoulder to knees means a bigger box to protect, but it doesn’t mean a bigger bat. You’ve just got more area to defend. Struggling to get your limbs in order for the sprint to first base means you can’t get to first base as quickly as someone smaller. The dumpy 5’10 brand of human is already at top speed while you’re still accelerating. In short, this all means you have to do more with the bat just to get on base.

Early on in their history, Drawkland dealt with this by being all-round decent at every aspect of baseball. Debuting at WBC35, they’d make the playoffs in the 37th and 38th editions. How good were they over this period? Just ask Schilzberg, winners of the World Baseball Classic in editions 35 and 36, what their record against Drawkland was in the first stage of WBC37. Schilzberg would win the competition, their third in a row, but they’d lose two out of three against the Base Corps.

Buoyed by their early promise, Drawkland decided to do an about-turn and concentrate almost all their efforts into batting. Batting! The area where they’re simply genetically disadvantaged! Whereas most teams will have a whole herd of pitchers, Drawkland decided they needed just two. Nine hitters, two pitchers.

The Elite Eleven are all pretty much "very good" at batting, so they drew straws on what the lineup should be. They all agreed, however, that the designated hitter (Dominic Southers) should lead off, and whoever's pitching should bottom out.
BASE CORPS - ELITE ELEVEN
LINEUP WITH DH
1.   Dominic Southers
2.   Ross Hunter
3.   Septimus Xander
4.   Mike Rodney
5.   Craig Bakker
6.   Nicholas Kingston
7.   Roger Apollo
8.   Richard Hanson
9.   Trevor Garnet
BASE CORPS - ELITE ELEVEN
LINEUP WITHOUT DH
1.   Ross Hunter
2.   Septimus Xander
3.   Mike Rodney
4.   Craig Bakker
5.   Nicholas Kingston
6.   Roger Apollo
7.   Richard Hanson
8.   Trevor Garnet
9.   Madison / Keys
There's only 2 cut-and-dry pitchers on the Elite Eleven, so they just kinda rotate who starts and who closes each game. If one of them just doesn't feel like pitching in a game, the center fielder, Mike Rodney, will fill in just in case it's needed, and Dominic Southers will fill in for Center. This is highly uncommon though, mainly because it makes the lineup more confusing.
Drawkland - 2017-03-20

The Elite Eleven were, to the surprise of nobody, garbage. Drawkland were well off the pace in cycles 39 and 40. They’d return in cycle 41 with their full complement of pitchers back in tow.

Now, I don’t have the hard-drive space, and you don’t have the patience, for ~~a video~~ an article too full of ‘audioslavian layman explains baseball’, but I do want to touch on the most fascinating position in the sport. The Closer. You probably already know what a Starting Pitcher is, or can guess from the title. They’re the main guys, the best. The guys who pitch most of the game. There are other guys, most notably a Relief Pitcher, who come in when the main guy’s shoulder gets tired. The Closer is the special one. As the name suggests, they close out games, usually playing in only the ninth and final inning, and even then, only if their team are winning. A team might have two, or maybe three pitchers whose entire job is to come on for only the ninth inning. As such, it’s a peculiarity of closers that they are pitchers who… don’t actually pitch very much. This is an advantage. The types of pitch they have in their arsenal are, ideally, a mystery to the opposition. All a batter knows is that, if this guy is coming in for only the ninth inning, he must be good. But how good? And good how? And you need to figure this out quickly, because you might see only a dozen of his pitches before he turns a 3-1 lead into a 3-1 win.
In short, a Closer’s job is to spend their entire life getting really good at throwing a baseball, and then not throw a baseball in public as much as possible.

So. Clutch. Check. Baseball. Check. Drawkland. Just about check. Can we now answer the question: Is the Base Corps Clutch?

Drawkland have fought hard to even make it to the WBC41 playoffs. Nineteenth in the world rankings, they’re the thirteenth seeds here. Scootalove City, their opponents, are seeded 4th. There’s no question as to who the favourites are.

(4) Scootalove City vs (13) Drawkland
– Drawkland in the World Baseball Classic playoffs reminds me of those years the Rockets qualified for the World Cup (soccer). You saw them in the draw, said “hey cool, guess they play this too”, but you don’t expect them to actually make any kind of serious run. Scootalove City had a pretty tough group that they came out of, and should be able to take care of business in this series. Take a watch of at least one game, if nothing else to realize that Drawkland does have a baseball team
Newmanistan - 2017-10-17

Nevertheless, you’d never guess at the gap between the two teams from what goes on on the field.

Scootalove’s Unicorns take Game One of the five-game series by a single ninth-inning run. They take game two by a similarly narrow margin. Two down in a best-of-five, Drawkland have to fight, and fight they do. With the scores level in the bottom of the ninth in game three, with two Drawkians on base, DH Roger Madison smashes a poor John Johnson pitch over the fence for the win, to bring the tie back to 2-1.

#4 Scootalove City vs. #13 Drawkland

Game 1

Drawkland              0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 3 0 0 0  3
Scootalove City        1 0 0 0 0 0 2 0 0 0 0 1  4
Scootalove City leads 1-0

Game 2

Drawkland              0 0 0 0 0 0 1 0 0  1
Scootalove City        0 0 2 0 0 0 0 1 X  3
Scootalove City leads 2-0

Game 4. Drawkland in the ascendency, leading by one, then two, then three and then nothing. Starting Pitcher Bailey Nicoterra, having pitched a shut-out for innings one through seven, loses their mojo entirely in the eighth inning, and a three-run lead evaporates. Clearly tired, Nicoterra is subbed out. With the ninth inning upon us, and the scores level, it’s time for the Closer. Onto the field, to pitch his first recorded inning ever in WBC baseball, steps Franklin Bell. Scootalove City’s batters have never seen him before. They have no idea what they’re dealing with.

He gets three outs. No hits. No runs. As perfect as can be.

Drawkland take the field in the bottom of the ninth, where Serena Hearns hits the hollywood walk-off home run to level the series.

#4 Scootalove City vs. #13 Drawkland

Game 3

Scootalove City        1 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0  1
Drawkland              0 0 0 0 0 0 0 1 3  4
Scootalove City leads 2-1

Game 4

Scootalove City        0 0 0 0 0 0 0 3 0  3
Drawkland              1 0 0 1 0 1 0 0 1  4
Series tied 2-2

For a definition of Clutch, you could go far worse than fighting back from a 2-0 deficit against a stronger opponent by keeping your nerve in the final innings with both bat and ball. This is the furthest Drawkland have ever come in the multiverse’s premier baseball competition, and they are matching one of the best teams in the world.

For a definition of Clutch, you could do far worse than coming out for the final innings and getting your opponent out, when a single run might undo all of your hard work up to that point. Franklin Bell has done his job. He threw out three batters in a row.

And within 24 hours, Franklin Bell will be the most famous player in the history of baseball.

by **The Idiot Project** » Thu May 01, 2025 3:14 pm

16

Unknown Pressures
Written: October 2024

WBC41 Playoffs, Drawkland, in white, against Scootalove City in blue. Games 1 to 4 have been tight with an average score per inning of less than one run, Game 5 has been anything but. Drawkland score 2 in the second, 3 in the fourth and a further 1 in the fifth for a five run lead. Scootalove strike back with two, Drawkland reply immediately with a further three in the sixth inning, and another in the seventh.
It’s all Scootalove City can muster to add a single run in the eighth to go into the final innings behind by an insurmountable 10 runs to 3.

And so up steps the Closer. Franklin Bell needs to get three outs and give up fewer than seven runs. If he does so, his team is through. Yesterday, with the same opposition, in similar high-pressure circumstances, he got three outs without giving up even one run. In the entirety of this competition, only one team has managed to score 7 runs in one inning, with 12th ranked Maklohi Vai having done so in the eighth inning of a nine-nothing blow-out against an unranked Saint Saratoga. This should be as easy a save as Bell will ever have in his career.

First batter: Dave Candy. Hit. He goes to first.

Second batter: Dave Haggard. Hit. A big one. He gets to second base, Candy races to third.

Third batter. Zeek Donald. Hit. Line drive, deep into right field. Donald can only get to first before the throw comes in, but Candy gets to home base and Haggard slides in after him for two.

Fourth batter. Pat Zater. Hit. First base. Donald moves to second.

Fifth batter. Dan Herpus. Hit. Over the fence. And runs 3, 4 and 5 of the inning are on the board. Franklin Bell, tasked with getting three outs before the opposition can get to seven runs, has zero for five.

Sixth batter. Alex Ponches. Hit.

Seventh batter. Rick King. Hit.

Eighth batter. John Avidan. Hit. The bases are loaded.

Ninth batter. Stuart Nova. Franklin Bell has now seen every member of Scootalove City’s attacking lineup come up to bat before him in only this inning. Who on earth knows what must be going through his mind as he winds up for the pitch. It’s a hit. It’s a huge hit. It’s into the stadium. All four Unicorns trot into home for the rarely seen walk-off Grand Slam.

“Stuart 'Super' Nova got a congratulated by the Leader, Gordon Freeman. Then Stuart 'Super' Nova got pied in the face by Scootaloo in a surprise "attack". Amalthea Beagle fell on the ground giggling.”
:- The Derpy Democratic Republic Of Herp. 2017-10-21

Is the Base Corps Clutch? Perhaps they are not. They might even be the opposite of Clutch. Which is where we should address this little elephant in the room.

Choke is a slur. A brick hurled by outsiders, or an act of self-flagellation. It’s a cousin of phrases like scrub, referring to a professional athlete who has the sheer nerve to not be superman, or tomato can, a derogatory term for a journeyman boxer, employed to make the local favourite look good by, as the name suggests, bleeding. It’s a word used by the type of fan who becomes incoherent with incredulity when the players on his team show signs of basic human flaws. These people yell the C word at a struggling athlete for committing the worst sin there is: Reminding them of themselves. It’s a coward’s word that we at The Idiot Project will have no part of.
Hitting the Hoop is, admittedly, a stupid term. But it holds none of the negativity, and that’s what’s important. There’s nothing wrong with failing. Making an abject mess of things is beautiful, more so than any victory.

Whatever you want to call it, it’s something Drawkland do. WBC41 marks the beginning of an oddly specific curse that specifically prohibits Drawkland from reaching the quarter finals of the World Baseball Classic. Sometimes they’re just not good enough - nobody can begrudge losing to Cassadaigua in the last-sixteen in WBC43 - but the Base Corps lose some very winnable knockout matches. Vangaziland were beatable in WBC44, but overturned Drawkland by an embarrassing 10-3 scoreline in Game Two to take a lead they would never relinquish, even benefiting from a blown Franklin Bell save in Game 4. The Greater Nordics were nobodies at the time of their 3-2 round-of-sixteen win in WBC47, and the side failed to take any real advantage of hosting editions 48 and 55 of the multivers’s premier baseball tournament.

By the time of WBC56, six years after the Scootalve City incident, it’s accepted that, whatever the circumstances, Drawkland will fail in the knockouts. The Last 16 is their natural ceiling. They can go no further.

Since the Scootalove City game, there's been six times we reached the playoffs. [For three of them], Franklin Bell was on the mound in the last inning. Franklin Bell gave up a run or three that sealed our fate.
:- corpsguy725, 2020-11-24

And Franklin Bell has been here the whole time.

If this is a curse, Bell is considered by many to be part of it. He’s described as a Closing Pitcher who almost always gets the job done, which is just damning for a Closing Pitcher. But of all Drawkland’s closers, he’s the best they have in terms of technique. Using somebody else, when Bell is fit, would be an act of cowardice even more egregious than anything Franklin can do.

In WBC 56, Drawkland have another chance to make the last 16 for the third time in three tournaments. They find themselves against Dod Rava, bottom of the ninth, the Closer is in to try to seal a 3-0 series win. This, he does. One out. Two outs. Three outs. Perfect by Bell. Drawkland are through to the Last 16. The natural ceiling.

WBC56 Last 16. Milchama. Game One.

Drawkland go 9-3 up in just the fifth inning of a chaotic match. Even with Franklin Bell still in the bull pen, they start to wilt under the pressure. Milchama add four runs in the fifth to begin the comeback. Drawkland just about hold their opponents to 10-7 by the bottom of the ninth, where Franklin Bell steps up for the save.

The first batter gets a hit, the second is walked, and Bell finds himself with two runners on base with a third, possibly tying run, in front of him. The pressure mounts, and Bell promptly issues a strike-out, before a double-play ends the innings, and the game, in Drawkland’s favour.

Game Two of Five. Ninth inning. Bell at the plate. Batter one. Fouled out. Batter two. Run out. Batter Three. Forkball. The Forkball. So called because the ball splits into three just before it gets to the batter, confusing him. Okay not really, it’s called that because the ball is forked between the index and middle finger before the throw, which I found to be a little disappointing when I finally googled it. The ball is slower than a curveball, and drops before it gets to the batter, enticing them to swing at nothing. Get it right, and it’s incredibly hard to hit. Get it wrong, however, and you’re inviting your opponent to smash it right out of the stadium. That’s not what happens here in game two. Three outs. Franklin Bell shows his prowess once more. Drawkland 2, Milchama 0.

(08) Milchama vs. (09) Drawkland
@ The Barracks, Rhoni, Coastal District (Cap. 9,250)[spoiler=Games 1 and 2]
Game 1
Drawkland                3 0 2 2 2 1 0 0 0 10
Milchama                 1 0 2 0 4 0 0 0 0  7
Game 2
Drawkland                0 4 0 0 0 0 0 0 0  4
Milchama                 0 0 0 0 1 0 0 0 0  1
Drawkland leads series 2-0.

The Base Corps need to win just one of the next three rubbers. This is the Base Corps’ best chance of finally, finally, making it through to the Quarter FInals after losing in the round of 16 on seven separate occasions.

by **The Idiot Project** » Thu May 01, 2025 3:24 pm

17

Closer
Written: October 2024

*for a second time that morning the Minister of Athletics, Olympics, and Alcoholic Beverages was startled by something in the sports pages of "Scuttlebutt". the Minister slams down his beer (instantly regretting that, as he spills quite a bit in the process.)*
- Margaret!!
- Yes, Minister?
- Look at this. That lune Luniker picked Tanah Burung over the Hooligans.
- Well, sir, they are ranked higher, and...
- So!! So!!
*the Minister stuggles to control his spluttering. Margaret sighs in anticipation of another tantrum*
:- Snub Nose 38, 2003-07-24

The 23rd of July 2003 is the first recorded appearance of the entity known as Margaret. Back then, a simple secretary for the Snubnosian Minister of Athletics, Olympics and Alcoholic Beverages (MoAOaAB).

In the summer of 2003, it was believed that she was in service to the random number gods, donning robes and offering sacrifices in return for positive results in favour of the Snub Nose 38 National Football Team.

*we are standing in the hallway just outside the office of the Snub Nose 38 Minister of Athletics, Olympics, and Alcoholic Beverages. the door slowly opens. through the open door we see the minister dancing maniacally. he is chanting*

-WE'RE NUMBER ONE!! WE'RE NUMBER ONE!!

*just behind the minister, we see his secretary, margaret. margaret is wearing a deep burgundy robe and a midnight blue hooded cape. in her left hand is a small leather pouch tied tightly shut with a cord of silver, which also affixes two eagle feathers to the pouch. in her right hand is a heavy wooden staff, worn smooth with age. margaret is waving the leather pouch slowly over the smooth granite table in front of her, her eyes closed. margaret is also chanting*

- Oh Random Number Gods! We beseach thee, grant us LARGE numbers! We offer this sacrifice in supplication!

*a curious gust of wind that seems to come directly out of the wall to our left blows the door of the Snub Nose 38 Minister of Athletics, Olympics, and Alcoholic Beverages closed.*
:- Snub Nose 38, 2003-07-29

Even at this point, her appearance is defined. A deep burgundy robe with a hooded cape in midnight blue. She holds a leather pouch tightly tied shut with a silver cord, attached to which are two eagle feathers. In her right hand, a heavy, wooden staff, worn smooth with age.

The transformation of Margaret from secretary to god is a collective hallucination on NS Sport. Initially, the cult of Margaretism came about as a way of winning her favour. *You* wouldn’t sacrifice rubber chickens, you would make a sacrifice to Margaret in the hope that *she* would sacrifice some extra chickens to your cause, not only that of her home nation. Rubber chickens have always been a viable alternative, if less potent, but the imagery of a vaguely druidic secretary burning rubber chickens in order to influence major international football games has proven more powerful than the truth.. The disappearance of Snub Nose 38 from the international stage late in 2004 only served to elevate the myth at the expense of fact, to the point that, if a random number god appears, it is now always in this Margaretian form.

One other constant is the attitude. Secretary Margaret is coarse, opinionated and lacks empathy. If 21 years of NS Sport have taught us anything, it’s that the random number gods are the same. Drawkians, especially, would agree.

Franklin Bell’s services as a closer, someone who closes games when his team are ahead, are not required in games 3, 4 or 5 of the WBC56 Round of 16. The rest of the Base Corps are entirely capable of failing all of their own accord, without the need for specialists. Drawkland lose 2-3 to Milchama. The round of sixteen proves to be the ceiling once more.

A veteran of 16 tournaments, Franklin Bell announces, before the start of WBC57, that he will retire after the tournament. Retribution for WBC41 or not, vengeance for WBC56 or not, this competition will be his last.

But to celebrate his final tournament, Margaret has plans. Margaretian plans. She will once again reach into his soul and see what he is made of. This is, after all, her favourite son.

Franklin Bell, little oopsies here, little slip-ups there, and the Corps crashes, again and again and again. The poor fool doesn't even know that his pitches are being thrown with the invisible marionette strings pulling them errant. This curse will continue to haunt the Corps forever, unless Bell can somehow break the spell and win a decisive elimination game for Drawkland. Otherwise, we are headed for doom, Classic after Classic. I don't trust him though. I believe the Base Corps is destined for mediocrity, to continue being Maggie's sick punchline for the baseballing world to gape incredulously at, then proceed to laugh hysterically. This is the truth, and I stand by it.
:- Drawkland, 2020-11-24

In WBC57, Drawkland make it out of the group stage comfortably and find themselves, once again, in the round of sixteen.

Once again, standing between them and salvation, is Milchama.

The teams exchange the opening two games. Franklin Bell successfully closes Game Three for a 2-1 lead, but Milchama prove too strong in game four.

The teams are tied at two apiece in the series, which means Game Five is the decider. Bell, therefore, is going into the game believing - knowing - that it will be his last. Such is the life of the Closer, who doesn’t even know if he’ll play at all. If Milchama wipe the floor with Drawkland, his services won’t be required. If Drawkland start winning, then he’ll have to go out there, in front of the world, and as publicly as possible go out on the biggest high possible by, in one fell swoop, avenging the spirits of 41, breaking the curse, and slapping Margaret in the face.

No. That can’t happen. That’s too hollywood. Too cliche. Too nerve-wracking for everyone involved.

Or is it?

So here we are. It’s the bottom of the ninth inning. It’s Game 5 of the Round of 16. Drawkland is currently winning the game 9-3. Their opponent only has three outs left to mount a seemingly impossible comeback. The bullpen door has swung open, and out trots Franklin Bell. This time, he isn’t in his first national team season, but his last. The veteran takes his time with the slow jog across the grass, slowing down to stride carefully to the mound. As he warms up with a few tosses on the mound, all of us here in Cooper Stadium wait with bated breath."

"You think Bell is gonna let a few runs score? For old time’s sake?"

"I don’t want to tempt fate here."

"Hey, as long as it’s less than six runs, I’ll take it!"
:- Drawkland 2023-07-10

Franklin Bell’s ability to get through the hoop is still in doubt, despite his solid performances at this stage in WBC56. The types of pitches he’s capable of throwing are as closely guarded a secret as they could be. Here, for our eyes only, is the arsenal at his disposal.
Fastball, designed to get past the batter before he sees it coming.
Changeup. When the batter has gotten used to your speed, throw a slow one, ruin their timing.
Slider. A fast pitch that fades away from a right-handed batter, leaving them swinging at air.
Knuckle-curve, a variation of the curveball, breaking faster than a slider, and finally the patented forkball.

First at-bat for Milchama. Bottom of the ninth. Bell on the mound. Drawkland leading 9-3. Fastball. Changeup. Fastball. Milchama’s Shosh Hamat is no match for either ball. Strikes one, two and three. Bell puts an out on the board.

Batter two. Another fastball, aimed in the part of the box closest to the batter. Tziporah Sephoran swings at it, and is just as surprised as everyone else when the ball comes off the inside of the bat, beats the third baseman and travels far enough to earn her a spot on First Base.

Noah Holny returns to the plate next, and the Milchaman opener uses his blistering speed to get on first base from a bunt, with Sephoran sliding into second.

Next up, Dalen Daniels. Ball one. Ball two. Ball three. Strike one. Ball four. Sephoran, Holny and Daniels walk to bases three, two and one respectively.

Next batter, the talismanic Marius McNeesh. Milchama are still six behind, but there are three batters on base and Franklin Bell on the mound. The Milchamans in the audience begin to believe that the comeback might be on. Fastball, swinging, strike one. Changeup, ball one. Slider, swinging, strike two. Fastball, high, ball two. Okay. Now we’re in a bind. Forkball. Forkball it is.

Here’s the throw from Bell."

*CRACK*

"Oh my … McNeesh crushes this one, sent to deep center field, Kavana is back at the track, at the wall, and he turns and watches this one land WAY past the wall in center. McNeesh with the ninth inning grand slam, and the score is 9-7 Drawkland."

"That was a hanger from Bell. Looks like it was the forkball, but McNeesh stayed back and absolutely unloaded on this baseball."

"Now you’re especially grateful for Kavana’s hit last inning
Drawkland 2023-07-10

From 9-3 ahead, the score is now 9-7. Two outs remaining. Milchama need two runs to find extra innings, three to win, and to send Drawkland out at the last sixteen yet, yet again.

Batter. Six. Maia Tennons. Ball one. Hit, deep into left field. Tenonns makes second base. There are only three batters left, now. Dionizas Altani, left-handed, Batya Jones, left-handed, Naomi Kerenton, left-handed. I can’t tell you why, but left-handed batters tend to have an advantage over right-handed pitchers, and vice versa. If there was a time to hook Bell for a left-handed pitcher, it was now, but the Base Corps don’t budge.
Altani swings at a low ball, hits it, and sends it to the centre. It’s too close to second and third base for Tennons to run, but Altani gets to first base.

Jones. Ball one. Strike one. Hit. Mis-fielded. Tennons can get to third, and could probably get home if they’d tried, but risking everything for 9-8 isn’t the game-plan. Still at one out, and against The Pitcher Who Does This Kind Of Thing, Milchama believe they can win.

Kerenton. Slider. Strike one. A burst of relief, a slight increase in confidence. Fastball. A wild swing. Hit.
The runners get going. The ball pops up into the air. Lane Kavana, whose heroics at the top of the ninth have given Drawkland this cushion in the first place, sprints, dives, catches, and readies to throw Tennons out for a game-winning double-play. Tennons stops and doubles back to third base.

Two outs. Two runs ahead. Three runners on base. Shosh Hamat, who’d stood at the plate when the inning started, what feels like hours ago, returns to bat. Hamat had started with a three-pitch strike-out. Here, she was looking to make amends to find the game-winning runs for Milchama.

Strike one. Ball one. Ball two. Strike two. Ball three. Full count. Bases loaded. Last ball. Bell crouches, ready to deliver a fastball, and then thinks better of it, and steps off the mound for a second.

Probabilities melted and froze and reformed, the threads of time furled and twisted and straightened, and all poor Maggie could do was watch. She watched in complete astonishment as the cloud of randomness coalesced and converged in front of her, landing on a result that should be impossible.
Drawkland 2023-07-10

"Franklin Bell has Drawkland one strike away from victory, Shosh Hamat has Milchama one swing away from safety. This crowd of over 48 thousand stands as one. The payoff pitch from Bell …"

"SWING AND A MISS! STRIKE THREE! HE’S DONE IT! HE’S DONE IT! HE’S DONE IT! The wait is over! The curse is no more! Drawkland is going to the quarterfinals here in Cassadaigua … and it was done by none other than Franklin Bell! We’ve witnessed HISTORY in Moreau tonight!"
Drawkland 2023-07-10

Deep inside, [Margaret] didn’t feel any fury, indignation, outrage, or disappointment. Deep within herself, in the core that was once human, once just a sports fan on earth like everyone else, she felt something else. Happiness wasn’t quite the right word. After all, she was a true neutral for all nations and teams (besides Snub Nose 38, of course). For something like this, it was different. It was a triumph, not just of one man, or one team, or one nation. This is what sport is about. This is why the game is played, and without it, Maggie wouldn’t be here at all. So though she’d be paying for her lost bet for the next few months, Margaret wasn’t bitter. It was bound to happen eventually anyway, right?

… right?
Drawkland 2023-07-10
Honestly, just read Drawk’s RP, it’s an all-time great

Whether the curse was broken, or even existed in the first place, is not for us to say. It’s certainly *not* an Audioslavian thing to go around talking about curses like they don’t exist and can’t hurt you.

The Drawkland Base Corps would bow out immediately to a strong South Newlandia team, but would go further two cycles later, reaching the final of the competition, and losing to South Newlandia yet again. The unbreakable curse has been replaced with an unwinnable rivalry.

Franklin Bell followed through on his promise to retire at the end of the tournament, having banished the demons of WBC41 forever.

In the end. He came up Clutch.

by **The Idiot Project** » Mon May 05, 2025 3:58 pm

18

The Difficult Sixth Album
Written: October 2024

We’ve established that hitting the hoop is a broad concept, in that its definition involves each of squandering an opening lead, wilting under pressure in the final stretch and failing to impress your primary school teacher,

There are two other way to hit the hoop.

One is to build a reputation for winning, get close to a record, and perennially fail to break it. Another is to have everything handed to you on a shiny, silver platter, and drop it at the line.

In the history of international football, there are four nations who have won five World Cups. And ever since cycle 47, fifteen years ago, we have been waiting for one of them, any of them, to finally claim a sixth. Breaking this record would convey ultimate bragging rights to the victor, a golden bow wrapping up between 18 and 21 years of hard work. More than half of these four nations have whispered that they’d likely call it a day after taking a sixth star. Let the rest of the multiverse play on without them, quietly attaching an asterisk to each World Cup Champion. As a player, winning a sixth World Cup means never having to work another day in your life. Lose, and it’s back to the grind. In short, it’s the biggest football match of your, or any player’s career. Ms Oglivie is watching. Don’t mess this up…

Before we look at our five-time World Champions, we need to look at our first four-time champ. One of the great super-teams. Rejistania.

Sometimes, the odds are stacked in a team’s favour. The universe aligns to create a path to victory so wide it proves impossible for the team to fall off. If hitting the hoop is snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, World Cup 17’s Rejistania are a team who were carried on a sedan chair towards Victoria, who duly opened the door and hopped in.

First, the qualifying group, and an almost perfect record blemished only by a draw to Eystrck and an inexplicable inability to take more than a point from 45th ranked Turori.

On the way, they also secured that 10-1 win over Ravea, and won the group by nine points. They opened the World Cup with a 5-0 win over EL CID THE HERO, walked through to the knockouts, and found that the teams trying to block their path to a World Cup were… not blocking very hard.

Kaze Progressa came into cycle 17 ranked at the fringe of the top 16, and would be the best-ranked side the Orange-Blues would need to face. Quarter-final opponents Aquiliana were 61st, Semi-finalists Melmond were ranked just 28th. To their delight, the Orange-Blues found their final would be against a team who hadn’t even entered the previous World Cup. 46th in the world, Dance 2 Revolution’s 13.6 ranking points is the lowest in history for a World Cup finalist in the entire history of the KPB era.

With the odds in Rejistania’s favour, they won by the most Rejistanian of results.

SyMji jumped up to get the header and beat Derinda to it…It became 1-0! All revolutionary players on the pitch put their heads in their hands. The game had slipped away.

FINAL WHISTLE

The Rejistanian players did a lap of honour whilst the Revolutionary players sat in the centre circle, disappointed yet not exactly surprised.
:- Dance 2 Revolution, 2004-10-17

A quick point here about the rankings we’re using. We call them KPB Asterisk. They’re generated from a now-full list of BoF, CoH and World Cups results taken from The Idiot Project’s large and unwieldy database. These rankings use the KPB rankings as they existed between cycles 89 and 97, extrapolated to all previous and later World Cups in order to compare teams across generations while also remaining as true as possible to the rankings as they existed between cycles 12 and 97. There’s usually a subtle difference between the KPB* and the old KPBs, but nothing that throws us off, except for the fact that earlier entries in the database are a little inconsistent, some listing penalty shoot-out or extra-time victories as draws, some as wins.

Vertical Axis: KPB* points differential. Horizontal axis: All World Cups in order of KPB* points differential

Here, we’ve ordered each World Cup finalist of the KPB era by the ranking point difference between themselves and their World Cup final opponents. Here, on the far left, is the KPB differential between Dance 2 Revolution and Rejistania in the World Cup 17 final.

Rejistanian World Cup final wins in orange, losses in brown.
If the diamond is at the top, then they were the higher ranked team.
If the diamond is at the bottom, then they were the lower ranked team.

We can see that Rejistania won two more World Cups with a strong KPB advantage over their opponent, though their World Cup 14 final defeat to Kingsford turns out to be the third biggest upset in history. Over on the right hand side we can see the only time they had to kick against the pricks in a World Cup final, with said pricks being Audioslavia in the final of World Cup 12.

All World Cup Finalists, arranged by KPB difference to opponent. Gold for winners, silver for runners-up.
Figures appear above Rejistanian finals

By World Cup 25, Rejistania had been the predominant powerhouse of world football for over ten cycles. Between cycles 12 and 25 their average position in the world rankings was 2.4. They’d won World Cups 12, 17, 18 and 23, and were undefeated in qualifying for edition 24. In 25, they made the knockouts, dumped the hosts out of the quarter-final, beat the one seed Sarzonia in the semis and lined up in the final against Starblaydia. Rejistania, naturally, had a considerable ranking advantage over the Starblaydis, who at this point in their history had found the early knockout rounds to be a natural ceiling. Ranked 9 KPB points below their opponents, Il Viola Vile looked to all the world like they would pose no threat to the Orange-Blues’s quest for a fifth world cup.

Unfortunately for Rejistania, winning from the back foot is rather something Starblaydia does.

All World Cup Finalists, arranged by KPB difference to opponent. Gold for winners, silver for runners-up.
Figures appear above Starblaydi finals

The Purple Peril overcame the odds in both World Cups 25 and 28, overcoming an eight-and-a-half and five-point KPB deficit respectively, the latter against Bedistan. For their next trick, Starblaydia would give up a then unprecedented 24 ranking points to Commerce Heights in the World Cup 41 final, and still manage to win. Even now, it’s in the top ten in terms of largest KPB deficits in a World Cup final, and one of the very few examples of such a deficit being overcome.

In Starblaydia’s five World Cup final wins, they were favourites in just one, and even then they needed penalties to beat a Cafundeu side two and a half KPB points below them. And, sure, for those who count penalty shoot-out victories as draws, you can go ahead and say they’ve only ever won a World Cup Final while punching upwards. Of all the 44 other teams to have lifted the World Cup, none have done so from a rank disadvantage more than twice. Starblaydia did it four times.

We refer to tough qualifying groups as Groups of Death and easier ones as Groups of Life. And so it follows, there are also Knockouts of Death and Knockouts of Life. Sometimes, the last sixteen is a murderer’s row of the best teams in the world. Sometimes, Margaret prefers a more eclectic mix of deep cuts and jokers to play out her knockout round. In short, some World Cup knockouts are stronger than others. Some paths to the final are wide, some narrow and fraught with danger.

To measure the strength of each last sixteen, we’ve invented the Gauntlet/Cakewalk Metric. All the seeds of all teams (their positions in the world rankings, not their ranking points, so ‘1’ instead of 53.15, for example) in the last sixteen are added together. The lowest figure possible should therefore be 136, which is the sum of 1+2+3+4…14+15+16, the strongest possible last sixteen. The higher the GCM, the less the knockouts look like a gauntlet, the more they look like a cakewalk. 136=hard. Only the top 16 teams in the world.

Let’s look at the GCM of all World Cups of the KPB era.

All World Cup Last 16 ‘GCMs’, arranged from largest (weakest) to smallest (strongest).

It turns out the average for all World Cups is 247.1, with every team averaging just over 15th position in the rankings. You can see an example of a 247-GCM World Cup just to the left of the leftmost purple column. It’s World Cup 88. The gauntletiest last sixteen we can find is that of World Cup 55, on the far right, with a GCM of 146. This could have been a reaction to World Cup 54 having a silly qualifying system and World Cup 53 breaking the record for the cakewalkiest last-sixteen ever, with a GCM of 382. World Cup 53 is third from the left. Two later World Cups would go on to take that record away.

World Cup 17’s GCM is the fifth weakest knockout field in history.

So why are we showing you this? Rank advantages/disadvantages in finals, and knockouts of life and death?

First of all, we’re using it as a measure of just how difficult it can be to win even one World Cup, let alone five. You have to overcome incredible odds every time you do it. To manage this feat more than once is amazing. To do it five times is insane. Starblaydia here, seem to have done in slightly weaker last-sixteens, but if you look at the combined ranking positions of teams they actually played, seen here in purple for all eight appearances in the final, there’s a much wider spread.

The combined world rankings of all knockout opponents for each World Cup finalist, cycles 12-98.
Ordered from weakest to strongest.
Purple columns indicate World Cups wherein Starblaydia reached the final.

Over on the far right, we can see that Starblaydia’s wins in World Cups 28 and 47 came after some of the hardest knockout runs in history.

What we’re going to look at, though, are their attempts at a sixth World Cup. The difficult sixth album. Starblaydia themselves had already broken a record, specifically Rejistania’s mark of four World Cups. Let’s look at their attempts at hitting a sixth. Starting with the very first World Cup where any team with five stars above the crest reached a World Cup final.

World Cup 63 contained the second weakest last sixteen of all time.

World Cup 63 broke cycle 53’s record for a weakest final sixteen, with a GCM of 393, eleven points easier than WC53 and more than 40 easier than the next easiest (cycle 89). Sure, Valanora and The Holy Empire were there ranked 3rd and 1st respectively, but they were only two of four top-ten teams left in it at that stage. The World Number One Holy Empire would be dispatched by the lowest team left in the entire competition, 78th ranked United Gordonopia, and it would be Starblaydia who, having defeated 25th ranked Sargossa, overcame their rival Marauders for a place in the semi-finals. There, they would play the winners of United Gordonopia and 73rd-ranked Farfadillis. They did so with ease, and Starblaydia would become the first team to attempt a sixth World Cup.

Their opponents are arguably the shittest team to have reached a final since D2R.

Audioslavia had come into World Cup 63 having not qualified for a single World Cup since the 20s. Their ranking? 56th in the world at the start of cycle 63, up to 40th by the start of the first round. With just 17.58 KPB* points, they are the fourth weakest team ever to appear in a World Cup final, with only World Cup 17’s Dance 2 Revolution (13.6), cycle 60’s Eura and cycle 53’s The Sylvanaes’ Queendom weaker. On top of that, Audioslavia were the team that Lost World Cup Finals. Of the four they’d competed in, they’d been the higher ranked on three occasions. They’d lost all of them.

The Bulls had never played in the World Cup while seeded outside the top 40. This was evidenced in the first round of World Cup 63, where Audioslavia managed one solitary goal. In terms of goal output, it’s their worst First-Round showing in their own history until very, very recently.

Audioslavia’s position in the world rankings going into every World Cup they qualified for, cycles 12-98.

Audioslavia’s goalscoring output in the group stage of World Cup 63 was their worst ever, and would continue to be their worst for some time..

In short: Not only was this arguably the worst team to play in the World Cup Final, this was perhaps the worst Audioslavia team to play in any World Cup at all.

Despite this, the Bulls somehow managed to navigate a path to the final through teams whose average rank was 10th in the world, in the process scoring a grand total of two goals in normal time. You can add to that the fact that Audioslavia played in the second of the two semi-finals, giving them one fewer day’s rest than their opponents, and had to go through a gruelling extra-time period to secure victory over the fourth-ranked The Babbage Islands. Starblaydia, with an extra day’s rest, have been beating opponents with an average seeding of 36th.

Starblaydia’s WC63 knockout opponents are the 5th weakest in history.

World Cup 63 should have been theirs. It wasn’t. Karsten Eiger and all that. Starblaydia were defeated by two goals to nothing. There are mitigating circumstances of course. Here, in this chart, we can see the differences between every World Cup finalist, ranked from smallest to largest.

KPB* Difference between every pair of World Cup finalists, ranked from smallest to largest.

On the far left, almost imperceptible, is the -0.13KPB* that separated Banija and Zwangzug in the final of World Cup 92. On the top left we’ve highlighted the single point that separated Bedistan from Starblaydia in the World Cup 30 final. It’s further up the graph than the cycle 92 final because both teams were ranked higher, on around 51 KPB points instead of 33. Far at the bottom, we can see Starblaydia vs Audioslavia in the World Cup 63 final.

The above graph, adjusted to show WC final winners in gold and losers in silver

Yes, those two teams on the bottom left, the weakest teams ever to win it, did so against similarly bad opposition. Audioslavia were the fourth weakest team to play in the World Cup final. At that point, Starblaydia were the fifth weakest. The Sylvanaes Queendom’s win over a similarly ordinary Albundania remains the worst team to win it.

You might be looking at these charts, and at the golden fucking opportunity presented to a remarkably ordinary Starblaydia side to stick a sixth star above their crest and assume that this must have been the biggest hoop-hit of all the teams who have ever played for the honour of winning their sixth World Cup.

It isn’t.

It isn’t close

Our culprits are not Starblaydia, neither in losing to Audioslavia nor in their defeat to Equestria in World Cup 83. Equestria were two KPB points better off and had gone in as strong favourites. Neither is it one cycle later, either, where Vilita had the opportunity to add a sixth star to their collection. If you think Starblaydia are good in finals, Vilita are perfect. As of this point in history, they’d reached five finals and won all them, four times with a rank advantage. Like Rejistania, the one time they were lower ranked than their opponents, their opponents were Audioslavia. Vilita’s experience in defeating teams who naturally wilt on the big occasion should have come in useful against a Farfadillis side making the final for the first time. The Farves are a great team, but one that tends to soil themselves at the sharp end of knockout tournaments, losing in the semi finals of WCC tournaments every time they’d gone there, in Cup of Harmony 60 and World Cups 77, 79, 80 and 82. This would be their only World Cup final. After defeating Vilita and winning the World Cup, Farfadillis would go on to lose in the semis of four more World Cups.

Coming into the nineties, Valanora had the most solid claim to being the world’s greatest team. Taking World Cups 12 to 97 as the original KPB era, now ended after the introduction of the KPB Plus system, The Marauders reached the quarter final in 53% of all KPB-era World Cups.

I’m going to repeat that because I arranged and rearranged that sentence many different ways to try to get across how ridiculous that stat is, and failed. Valanora reached the quarter-finals, at least, in over half of all KPB-era World Cups. That’s a period of 2004 to 2024, and includes 17 World Cups that occurred before Vanorians even bothered entering. You will now sit for five seconds and just try to take that in.

Thank you.

Just taking in the 90s, Valanora’s average position in the world rankings is a mind-blowing 3.6th. They will play in two World Cup finals here, and if their chances of overcoming the unstoppable force of Mid-90s Banija in World Cup 94 were slim to none - Banija were very much in their final form phase, out-ranked Valanora by 20 KPB points, and won that final 4-1 - their chances of victory in World Cup 97 could not be higher.

You thought Starblaydia had an easy path to victory. The road that opens up before Valanora in World Cup 97 is indescribably vast.

Here’s a close-up of the very right hand side of the above graph, coloured differently. The white diamonds are
Valanora.

The 25 most lop-sided WC finals on paper, ordered from smallest to largest KPB gap between teams. Valanora highlighted in white.

Banija’s 20-point advantage over Valanora is the 10th largest in history. That’s the bar with the white diamond at the bottom. There are a few more finals with a 20-or-so point difference. The gap has breached 25 points on four occasions. Rejistania vs D2R is the largest. The three just to the left of it are Valanora over Bazalonia (25.5), Valanora over Demot (27.3) and here, Valanora over Squornshelan Remnant States, a gap of almost thirty KPB* points.

Of the teams to have had even a twenty point advantage over their opponents, only Commerce Heights failed to win out, beaten by a Starblaydia team that specialised in overcoming exactly those odds. Valanora’s advantage over Squornshelous, going into cycle 97, is closer to the Rejistania’s numbers in 2004 than it is to this Commerce Heights defeat. It literally takes an early-jolt era team, playing in an era when ranking points from Under 21 World Cups were added on top of their KPB score, playing a rival who hadn’t even entered the previous cycle, to beat this yawning chasm of a gap.

As for opponents Squornshelous, their three final appearances had all happened in Standard Definition, and they’d lost both times they’d been ranked below their opponents. Here in World Cup 97, the average ranking of their opponents, including the final against Valanora, is 36th. Beaten only by Rejistania’s path to World Cup 17. Squornshelous are massive underdogs who have beaten mainly mediocre teams. Nobody even knows if they’re any good. They’re certainly the first team in history to make the World Cup final despite finishing joint bottom of their first round group. It’s not as if Valanora have had it difficult in the knockouts either. Their run to the final is the seventh easiest in history.

Let’s go back to the Gauntlet/Cakewalk Metric. Here in this graph, cycle 53 is third with 382. Cycle 63 is second with 393. In first place, with the weakest last sixteen in the history of football, is World Cup 97.

World Cup 63, in purple, had a GCM of 393. An extraordinarily weak field of teams in the knockouts. The weakest in history up to that point.
World Cup 97, in white, broke that record.

Hang on a second. In typical Valanora style, we can’t seem to fit them on the graph. Here. Let me get that for you.

Welcome to Untitled Elf Game

GCM: 557.

The average ranking of the teams in the last 16 was 35th in the world. A spiritual Cup of Harmony of a World Cup. It’s the weakest knockout phase in history, and it isn’t even close.

Squornshelous came into cycle 97 ranked 38th. Of the nineteen teams to have made the final in the KPB era while starting out ranked outside the top twenty, only six won. Four of these were against other members of this same gang, the other two were playing the final at their home stadium.

Cycle 97 Valanora were provided with the widest open hoop in history. Even after going 2-0 up in the first fifteen minutes, they somehow ended up on the floor with Ms. Oglivie looking over at them.

It really does happen to the best of us.

Honestly. I can relate. All over the multiverse, we’re all still waiting for number six.

Links to Charts used:
GCM
KPB* Differential, Winners and Losers of World Cup Finals (coloured according to winner, ordered from smallest to largest gap)
WC Finalists arranged by KPB* differential to opponent
Every WC finalist ordered by the sum total of their knockout opponents' world rankings (Starblaydia highlighted)
The Garden Fence: KPB* Differential between WC final contestants, ordered from largest to smallest.

by **The Idiot Project** » Thu Nov 13, 2025 7:15 am

The Idiot Project Unrecorded
World Cup 100 Special
Written: October 2024, November 2025

Part 1 of 4        
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\ \ / / _ \/ _` |/ _` |/ _` | '_ \ / __/ _ \/ __|
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  \_/ \___|\__, |\__,_|\__,_|_| |_|\___\___||___/
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So there’s this clip of the gameshow countdown that’s been going around the internet for the past fifteen years. You can figure out what’s up by watching the 90 second video linked above, but just for shits and giggles, stay here and I’ll explain things as best I can.

Countdown Episode 4993, March 5th 2010
Round 13 of 15

RAHEEL  JAMIE 
┌----┐  ┌----┐
| 79 |  | 84 |
└----┘  └----┘

We’re at the business end of a game of Countdown, an R.L. States television show that, by 2010, was 25 years old and still pulling in a million viewers every day without fail. A veritable national institution for the kind of country that would ban image hosting websites because of woke.

A game of Countdown consists of fifteen rounds. Round 14, coming up, is a numbers round. Win a numbers round and you get ten points. Looking at the scores, this round is going to be vital so late in the game.

Here’s how the numbers round works.

┌---┐  ┌---┐  ┌---┐  ┌---┐  ┌---┐  ┌---┐
|50 |  | 8 |  | 3 |  | 7 |  | 2 |  |10 |
└---┘  └---┘  └---┘  └---┘  └---┘  └---┘
audioslaviaisaselfrightheousasshole┌-----┐
whothinksheisthemoralcompassTarget:| XXX |
towhichtherestoftheforumshouldadher└-----┘

You get six numbers, drawn more or less at random, and a computer generates a three-digit number. You can add, divide, subtract and multiply the six numbers in order to find the generated number. You have 30 seconds to do this, and you have to show your working using a pencil and paper.

Okay, so, we’ve got 50, 8, 3, 7, 2 and 10. Let’s say the computer generates 736.

┌---┐  ┌---┐  ┌---┐  ┌---┐  ┌---┐  ┌---┐
|50 |  | 8 |  | 3 |  | 7 |  | 2 |  |10 |
└---┘  └---┘  └---┘  └---┘  └---┘  └---┘
audioslaviaisaselfrightheousasshole┌-----┐
whothinksheisthemoralcompassTarget:| 736 |
towhichtherestoftheforumshouldadher└-----┘

How can we get to 736 from just these six numbers?

So, let’s see, there’s a fifty. Ten fifties are five hundred, twenty fifties are a thousand, so fifteen fifties must be.. 750, right? Let's get to 750 and the rest should be easy. So ten plus three plus two is fifteen, times 50, that gives us 750. Now we’ve got an eight and a seven. Add those two together, that’s fifteen, take that from 750 and we’ve got 735.

You
(10+3+2)*50=750
        8+7=15
     750-15=735

One away. Could be good enough for the points, if our opponent doesn’t get 736 on the money, But wait a second, let’s go back. We can make 15 from 10 and 8 minus 3, so let’s do that straight away, 15 times 50 is 750, now we’ve got a 7 and a 2 and we need to make... uh... 14. Aha! Multiply them together, take it from 750 and boom.

You Too
(8+5-3)*50=750
       7*2=14
    750-14=736

You’ve done it. But have you done it in just thirty seconds? If not, you lose. You get nothing. And to add insult to injury, your opponent just sat smugly with his arms folded for the final twenty three seconds. He’d already multiplied 8 by 7, taken away ten to get 49, taken two from the 50, multiplied them together to get two thousand, two hundred and eight, and divided all that by three.

The Guy She Tells You Not To Worry About
(8*7)-10=49
    50-2=48
   49*48=2208
  2208/3=736

Back to the clip, and the game between Raheel and Jamie. The numbers are the same as we’ve been looking at. Let’s have a look at the computer-generated total that both contestants have to aim for in this crucial point of the game.

┌---┐  ┌---┐  ┌---┐  ┌---┐  ┌---┐  ┌---┐
|50 |  | 8 |  | 3 |  | 7 |  | 2 |  |10 |
└---┘  └---┘  └---┘  └---┘  └---┘  └---┘
audioslaviaisaselfrightheousasshole┌-----┐
whothinksheisthemoralcompassTarget:| 500 |
towhichtherestoftheforumshouldadher└-----┘

Oh. Oh okay.

10*50

Raheel was really needing this to be the sort of problem he could solve, but that his opponent couldn’t. This isn't fair, is it? Shouldn't they generate a new random number? Of course not! That’s the thing with random numbers: Sometimes they don’t want to follow a narrative. Contestants on countdown have to calculate how to get 500 from 10 and 50 the same way NS Sporters have to RP 0-2 losses to unranked unrostered wankers.

The majority of Countdown, eleven of the fifteen rounds, involves a word game. You choose nine consonants or vowels, and you have thirty seconds to make the longest word you can, using each letter once at most. To prove you’ve done it correctly, and aren’t just repeating the word your opponent gave, you’re supposed to show your working on notepads.

Hmm. Notepads.

┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐
| S || D || P || N || A || E || A || O || T |
└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘

The reason that overly simple numbers game in round 14 had been do-or-die for Raheel is because he’d messed up in round 13. If he’d found NOTEPADS among the above letters he’d have been awarded a point for each letter - eight in total - to open out a nine-point lead over Jamie. Instead, he goes for TAPADES which, as far as I can make out, is not only a non-English word, which you can’t have, but is also proper noun, which you can’t have, and is also also a mis-spelling, which you definitely can’t have. He gets zero. Jamie gets six for finding PASTED.

It all comes down to round fifteen of fifteen. Raheel still on 79 points, Jamie on 84. The final round is the Countdown Conundrum. Worth ten points, you must find the one possible nine-letter anagram of this word. There is only one correct answer. Find it, and you get 10 points. Ready?

Go.

┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐
| V || E || G || D || A || N || C || E || S |
└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘
.         
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                 / .    |   . \
                ; .     |    . |
                |      ()    15|
                ; .          . |
                 \ .        . /
                  '._' 30 '_.'
                      '--'

Come on! It’s the Countdown Conundrum. Time is ticking.

.         
                    _..--.._
                  .' .  0 . '.
                 / .      / . \
                ; .      /   . |
                |      ()    15|
                ; .          . |
                 \ .        . /
                  '._' 30 '_.'
                      '--'

In fact it’s even more important than a Countdown Conundrum. It’s a Crucial Countdown Conundrum

.      
                    _..--.._
                  .' .  0 . '.
                 / .        . \
                ; .          . |
                |      ()--- 15|
                ; .          . |
                 \ .        . /
                  '._' 30 '_.'
                      '--'

So called because the scores are so close. Whoever gets this Condundrum, this Crucial Countdown Conundrum, wins the game!

.      
                    _..--.._
                  .' .  0 . '.
                 / .        . \
                ; .          . |
                |      ()    15|
                ; .      \   . |
                 \ .      \ . /
                  '._' 30 '_.'
                      '--'

And the tension builds. And the grannies inch towards the edge of their seats. And a fair chunk of you have the famous theme tune in your head.

“Dummm derner dumm derner
dadum, dedum, deddlydum…

.   
                    _..--.._
                  .' .  0 . '.
                 / .        . \
                ; .          . |
                |      ()    15|
                ; .     |    . |
                 \ .    |   . /
                  '._' 30 '_.'
                      '--'

…bweeeuw.

Your 30 seconds are up. Did you get it? No? Don’t worry, neither of the two contestants got it either. There was 30 seconds of almost dead time at about half past five in the evening in front of over a million people in one of the nation’s four* terrestrial television channels. If you don’t believe me, here’s that exact conundrum as it aired on Channel 4 that day

There’s a touch of anguish in Raheel’s reaction. Countdown, you see, is winner-stays-on. Win a game on Monday’s show, and you come back on Tuesday’s show. Win again, and you’re back again the next day. A million viewers every time. Win eight in a row, and you’re dubbed an Octochamp. It’s a tough ask. Every season has more than a hundred episodes, and even then you’ll usually find just two Octochamps for the entire run. At the end of the series, the eight players with the most consecutive wins, octochamp or not, are invited back for the grand final. The final is a straight knockout, with the winner becoming the champion of that series.

It’s basically like the World Cup. Just without the L. The Word Cup. You know. That third thing.

Raheel has been on TV for a solid week, putting together five wins in a row. He knows, though, that this is unlikely to be good enough for him to make the quarter-finals. Instead, it’s Jamie’s turn to put a run together.

He may have gotten lucky with that target of just 500, but this is where his luck has run out. Jamie’s next opponent will not roll over so easily. His next opponent isn’t even human.

For the first time in history, an entire NS Nation folds itself through the multiverse and unveils itself to the public eye. It’s a nation known for failure on the largest stage, failure on the smallest stage, failure on many intermediate stages, failure to keep its sovereignty, failure to keep its dignity, failure to do anything but ask ‘how long was that’ when trying to go five seconds without humiliating themselves. This nation will appear on national television, in front of over a million viewers, including all of his family, all of his friends, with the goal of doing something they have so rarely done in our reality: Win. Under the glare of the lights, in what it believes passes for human clothes, they will carry the hopes and aspirations of all other NS Sport nations. It’s quarter past three on March the 8th, 2010, there are a million grannies tuned in.
It’s time for Krytenia-does-Countdown

*Nobody counts Channel 5

by **The Idiot Project** » Thu Nov 13, 2025 7:16 am

The Idiot Project Unrecorded
World Cup 100 Special
Written: October 2024, November 2025

Part 2         
                    _..--.._
                  .' .  0 . '.
                 / .        . \
                ; .          . |
                |      ()    15|
                ; .          . |
                 \ .        . /
                  '._' 30 '_.'
                      '--'

      _                     _             _ _   
     | |                   | |           (_) |  
 _ __| |__   __ _ _ __   __| |_   _  __ _ _| |_ 
| '__| '_ \ / _` | '_ \ / _` | | | |/ _` | | __|
| |  | | | | (_| | | | | (_| | |_| | (_| | | |_ 
|_|  |_| |_|\__,_|_| |_|\__,_|\__, |\__, |_|\__|
                               __/ | __/ |      
                              |___/ |___/

I know I’m labouring the point a little, but there are a million people watching this on TV. Sure, almost none of them actually remember watching that particular episode, but that’s only because the average age of Countdown’s viewership suggests anyone watching that day, on average, died somehwere between Brexit and COVID. In addition to those million grannies, there are, of course, all of your friends, all of your family, anyone you work with, even people you play some weird online roleplaying game with.

Hope you don’t make a fool of yourself. That’d really suck.

Countdown Episode 4994, March 8th 2010
Round 0 of 15
KRYTIE  JAMIE 
┌----┐  ┌----┐
|  0 |  |  0 |
└----┘  └----┘

┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐
| C || D || T || E || A || E || R || J || E |
└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘

Round one. Jamie creates CREATED. With seven letters, it’s a strong contender for the points. Jamie probably thinks he’s won the round, but Krytenia’s response is cold.

┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐
| R || E || J || E || C || T || E || D ||   |
└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘

KRYTIE  JAMIE 
┌----┐  ┌----┐
|  8 |  |  0 |
└----┘  └----┘

He has an eight-point lead straight away. From here, the onus is on Jamie to outplay Krytenia to claw some of those points back. Instead, for six successive rounds, Krytenia’s play is as close to perfect as you can get.

Countdown Episode 4994, March 8th 2010
Round 7 of 15
┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐
| P || N || T || E || I || U || D || V || S |
└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘

Opponent: STUPID

Krytenia:
┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐
| P || U || N || D || I || T || S ||   |
└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘

KRYTIE  JAMIE 
┌----┐  ┌----┐
| 52 |  | 37 |
└----┘  └----┘

We left Kry with an eight-point lead. It’s now only increased by a further seven. For the following five rounds, any word Kry played or mathematical solution he found, Jamie matched. It’s only here in round seven that Jamie is unable to keep the frantic pace set by his multiversal opponent.

Countdown Episode 4994, March 8th 2010
Round 10 of 15
KRYTIE  JAMIE 
┌----┐  ┌----┐
| 76 |  | 61 |
└----┘  └----┘

We mentioned you got as many points from winning a word round as you had letters in your word. This means the theoretical maximum score in a game is always different. Sometimes, nine-letter words are possible. Oftentimes, they simply aren’t, so while the maximum score from the numbers games and the conundrum is always ten, the maximum score from any word game is anywhere between six and nine. Ten rounds in, Krytenia is on 76 points. The maximum possible score, given the letters he’s had, is 78. He’s two points from perfect. Krytenia is fully in control with only five rounds to go.

A familiar position.

World Cup 18 Qualifying Group 4

Pos Team           P W D L GF GA  GD Pts
1 Kaze Progressa  10 8 1 1 26  9  17  25
2 The Eagles Nest 10 8 0 2 27 13  14  24
3 Krytenia        10 7 1 2 20 10  10  22
----------------------------------------
4 Snub Nose 38    10 5 2 3 16 12   4  17
5 Fmjphoenix      10 2 3 5 12 19  -7   9
6 Qia             10 2 2 6 14 22  -8.  8
7 Spurland        10 1 4 5  9 16  -7   7
8 Ashibot         10 0 1 9  6 29 -23   1

Five years prior, Krytenia had gone into World Cup 18 in the top 32 in the world rankings, having qualified for each of the previous two World Cups. With four games to go, and a five-point gap between them and non-qualification, Krytenia duly drew or lost each of their next three, before giving up a Crucial Group 4 Decider 3-1 to Snub Nose 38, allowing their opponents to enter the next round in Krytenia’s stead.

World Cup 18 Qualifying Group 4

Pos Team           P W  D  L GF GA  GD Pts
1 Kaze Progressa  14 10 3  1 32 11  21 33
2 The Eagles Nest 14 10 1  3 32 17  15 31
3 Snub Nose 38    14  7 2  5 26 18   8 23
-----------------------------------------
4 Krytenia        14  7 2  5 22 17   5 23
5 Spurland        14  3 6  5 14 19  -5 15
6 Qia             14  4 3  7 22 28  -6 15
7 Fmjphoenix      14  3 4  7 17 24  -7 13
8 Ashibot         14  0 3 11  7 38 -31  3

Round 11. Krytenia gets 6 with VARIES, but Jamie narrows the gap for the first time with SALTIER.

┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐
| R || T || S || V || A || E || A || L || I |
└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘

Krytenia VARIES

Opponent:
┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐
| S || A || L || T || I || E || R ||   |
└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘

KRYTIE  JAMIE 
┌----┐  ┌----┐
| 76 |  | 68 |
└----┘  └----┘

The gap is under ten, and if that’s the case come round 15, Kry’s opponent can overtake him by getting the Countdown Conundrum right.

Okay. Pressure’s on. 30 seconds. Here are your letters. Go.

┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐
| C || Q || O || E || U || M || M || S || O |
└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘

Time’s up. What did you get? The longest word possible is only six letters long. Jamie comes out with a 5. Krytenia turns to Jeff Stelling and tells him he’s got a six.

Opponent COMES

Krytenia:
┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐
| M || O || S || Q || U || E ||   |
└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘

KRYTIE  JAMIE 
┌----┐  ┌----┐
| 82 |  | 68 |
└----┘  └----┘

Inshallah, Krytenia is in the driving seat.

It’s Jamie's turn to stumble in round 13, trying to will LOOFIER into existence .You know. Like ‘LOOFY’ but more. That’s not a fucking word, dickhead. Krytenia calmly finds ORIOLE, and is the only one who can show his working for the final maths round, getting within eight of 915.

And we finish with the decidedly Uncrucial Countdown Conundrum, with the game already in the bag.

┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐
| S || E || E || S || D || R || E || A || D |
└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘

KRYTIE  JAMIE 
┌----┐  ┌----┐
| 93 |  | 68 |
└----┘  └----┘

The score is 93-68 with one round to go. Krytenia has won. In this position, there’s generally three known tactics. Tactic One, you go for it, and try for 100 points. Tactic Two, you take it easy on your opponent, and give them the chance to solve the final Conundrum to make the score a bit more respectable. Or there’s option three. The Chad option. Sit still. Do not move. Stare your notepad down. Do not allow Jeff Stelling, Rachel Riley or your opponent to see the whites of your eyes. Assert supreme dominance. Let that clock hit zero without you or anyone interrupting it with a DING.

.         
                    _..--.._
                  .' .  0 . '.
                 / .    |   . \
                ; .     |    . |
                |      ()    15|
                ; .          . |
                 \ .        . /
                  '._' 30 '_.'
                      '--'   
                    _..--.._
                  .' .  0 . '.
                 / .      / . \
                ; .      /   . |
                |      ()    15|
                ; .          . |
                 \ .        . /
                  '._' 30 '_.'
                      '--'   
                    _..--.._
                  .' .  0 . '.
                 / .        . \
                ; .          . |
                |      ()--- 15|
                ; .          . |
                 \ .        . /
                  '._' 30 '_.'
                      '--'  
                    _..--.._
                  .' .  0 . '.
                 / .        . \
                ; .          . |
                |      ()    15|
                ; .      \   . |
                 \ .      \ . /
                  '._' 30 '_.'
                      '--'
                    _..--.._
                  .' .  0 . '.
                 / .        . \
                ; .          . |
                |      ()    15|
                ; .     |    . |
                 \ .    |   . /
                  '._' 30 '_.'
                      '--'

That's how you do it

I hope you’re okay with the idea of a daily dose of Krytenia, because he’s very much here to stay.

If he’d felt nervous at the start of game one, it doesn’t show. He goes into game two with two things. One: Confidence. Two: The Shirt.

No footage remains on the internet of this shirt. It has to be assumed that all video evidence of its existence has been destroyed. For good reason. Dubbed The Shirt Louder than War, it set a low bar for fashion for the Tens that even face tattoos and athleisure couldn’t surpass. There are still images here and there, but it cannot - nay mustn’t - be spread. This is as close as I will allow.


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                              @                                @@%              @-@ @ %@@@@@@@@@@@= 
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         =                                     -*+++= ++++++++++++  + +  ++: ++  -:@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
         :                                          -++++++++++++++++  +       =  +@@@@%@@@@@@@@@@@@
         :                                              =++++ - +-   -   - +:     +@#+.*@@@@@@@@@@@@
                                        +++++*.            =+++  +@@@@@++.  =  ++ -@==   +@@@@@@@@@@
              ::.-++++--=:..-=+++++++-.       .-+++++=+---=:+: .-@+-   .+  +  +  ++@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
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  +:        .====*                                                  + + +*++  # =++@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@%=
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On the other hand, the fact that we don’t have any footage from Krytenia’s second appearance is itself a bit of a tragedy. It means no longer have access to a singularly wonderful piece of television.

In one corner: Kry, wearing The Shirt. In the other, Rachel Riley.


###++++++++++####             ####++++++++++++++++++++++++###++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++######+++++
#########+++#####             +###+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++#####++++++
########+++######             +###+++++++++++++-..--+++-+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++#####++++++
++++#############             +###++++++++++-.....-###++--++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++######++++++
++###############             +###++++++++++-..---++++##+--+++++++####++++++++++++++++++++++++######++++++
#################             +###+++++++++++.-+---....-+#---+++++#########++++++++++##+++++++######++++++
#################             +###+++++----++--        . -+--++++###########++++#########+++++######++++++
#################             +###+++++---.-+-           .+.--++#########################++++++#####++++++
#################             +###+++++--...------. .----.+-.-++#######################+#+++++++++++++++++
#################             +###+++++++-..-+###+.  -+##+-+---############+++#########+++++++++++++++++++
#################             +###+###++++----.   .       .++- ++#########+++++++######+++++++++++####++++
#################             +#######++++--#-.  ... ... .-+-..-+#########+++#+++++####+++++++#########+++
#################             +#####+++-+#+-#+--...-....-.-+....+#########+++##++++####+++++++###########+
###########+#####             -###+++---.-+--+-.-+.  .-...+#+..-+++++#+++++++##++++####+++++++############
+++++++++++++####             -###+++-.---..-#-. .....  .+###+--++++##+++++++##++++#######################
+++++++++++++####             -###+++---..---#++-.    .++++#++--+++++++++++++++++++####################+++
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----++++++++++###           .-.     .----------------------------------.. ...-++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
----++++++++++##+           .-.     .+--------------------------------+-.....-++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
-----++++++++###+           .-.     .-+++--------------------------++#+-.....-++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
-----++++++++###+           .-.     .-+--++------------------------++#+-.....-++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
------+++++++###+            -..   ..-+-----------------------------+++-.....-++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
..----+++++++###+            ...   ..---------------------------------......--++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Countdown has three or four reasonably permament fixtures. The presenter is usually a cosy middle aged man who used to present sport. There’s a “dictionary corner” with one permanent and one temporary guest, whose job it is to find the anagrams that the contestants cannot. Finally, there’s the mathematician, whose job involves solving the more difficult maths rounds and putting the letters on the board for the numbers round. There have been a handful of presenters and a fair few permanent members of dictionary corner, but there have been, in over forty years of Countdown, just two mathematicians.

How to describe them? Where to begin? First of all, take your idea of a mathematician and throw it in the bin. If you had a Totally Inflated Yen for every time Countdown hired a devastatingly sexy hyper-intelligent Oxbridge graduate whose latter career became somewhat affected by widespread sharing of their political views on social media, you’d have two Totally Inflated Yen. This isn’t a lot - two TI¥ is just about the second smallest thing the human mind can imagine - it’s just strange that it’s happened twice.

The key differences between the two mathematicians is as follows: Carol Vorderman (Countdoiwn career: 1982-2008), is sexy and hates the Tories. Rachel Riley (Countdown career: 2008-Present), is pretty and hates Islam.

.
    O/
 (. (. )
    |
   / \

The percentage of The Idiot Project that can be described as ‘The Author’s Barely Disguised Fetish’ is very small, but now that we’ve mentioned Carol Vorderman, it cannot be said to be zero. It turns out I have a thing for sexagenarian socialist maths-barbies. In terms of ‘TABDF appearing in WC100 RPs, I think you’ll agree, it could be worse.

Riley replaced the departing Vorderman in 2008, just before the global financial crash. Now, I know what you’re thinking, I can’t seriously be implying that the removal of Carol Vorderman from day-time television caused the 2008 recession, but I think you and I can both agree that, well, it can’t have helped.

In Krytenia's second game, Rachel Riley, the impossibly attractive twenty-four year-old blonde with the degree in Applied Mathematics from Oxford University, turns to Krytenia and, very warmly, compliments him on his shirt. The Shirt. She is flirting. With Kry.

There are any number of things he can say in response.

“You should see it when it’s on the bedroom floor” would be too much, an earnest “thanks, I like your dress” would certainly have worked, but perhaps doesn’t go far enough. “You’re welcome to it” is a nice mid-point - suggestive, cheeky, slightly irreverant, and absolutely the thing you tell yourself you’d say in that position. But you’re not in that position, because you haven’t earned it. Because you haven’t utterly skelped a guy called Jamie on national television in front of a million grannies.

“Thanks, I like your shirt” would be my go-to, especially as she wasn’t actually wearing a shirt, but that’s just me.
“I got it in a market in Great Yarmouth for five pounds” would be the truth. The cold, dry truth. Incalculably weird, but nevertheless likely the closest thing you’re going to get to creating a permanent memory in Rachel’s mind. A brief flash of a synapse for those brief moments when she’s not claiming antipodean knife-murderers are secretly working for hamas.

Krytenia, instead, reponds:

“Heh”.

That no footage survives is probably for the best. We do, however, have footage of his next appearance. March 9th. One round to go:

Countdown Episode 4996, March 10th 2010
Round 15 of 15
KRYTIE   OPPO 
┌----┐  ┌----┐
| 87 |  | 44 |
└----┘  └----┘

The game is already won, and won handsomely. All that’s left is the decidedly un-crucial Countdown Conundrum

┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐
| R || H || A || N || D || Y || G || I || T |
└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘

.                     _..--.._
                  .' .  0 . '.
                 / .    |   . \
                ; .     |    . |
                |      ()    15|
                ; .          . |
                 \ .        . /
                  '._' 30 '_.'
                      '--'      
                    _..--.._
                  .' .  0 . '.
                 / .      / . \
                ; .      /   . |
                |      ()    15|
                ; .          . |
                 \ .        . /
                  '._' 30 '_.'
                      '--'       
                    _..--.._
                  .' .  0 . '.
                 / .        . \
                ; .          . |
                |      ()--- 15|
                ; .          . |
                 \ .        . /
                  '._' 30 '_.'
                      '--'

DING. Krytenia presses his buzzer. He suspects he might have the answer. He wants to get 90+ points again. He figures his opponent has no clue. He goes for his gun:

Let’s savour this moment. So little of Krytenia’s Countdown appearance has survived the fifteen years since it was first aired on Channel 4. This here will be our first and only insight into what a Krytenian sounds like in the R.L. States-verse.*

“Total guess” says Krytenia, absolutely 100% accurately describing what he’s about to say. Directly from the deepest, darkest recesses of his mind - perhaps even further than that - Krytenia finds the following “word”.

“…No it’s not” says Jeff Stelling, with the same tone as a dad whose five year old has just told him its his turn to drive the car. I’ll give Kry credit, all the letters for that word are at least there. His opponent turns round and says dignitaries, which not only adds in letters that aren’t there, but is fucking eleven letters long. It’s left the audience to bail out both contestants.

Onto the next day.

Countdown Episode 4997, March 11th 2010
Round 14 of 15
KRYTIE   OPPO 
┌----┐  ┌----┐
| 94 |  | 40 |
└----┘  └----┘

Today’s opponent, Daryll Hall, stops the clock and solves the Countdown Conundrum after nine seconds. The ten points mean that, instead of being smashed by 54 full points, Kry’s beaten him by 44 points instead. Krytenia considers giving him a sarcastic clap, but thinks better of it at the last moment and instead shakes his opponent’s hand.

Kry’s now been on our screens for two full hours this week. There are politicians who will go their entire careers with less time in the public eye. He’s now won four in a row, and victory on Friday 12th March will mean he will go on to feature in a second full week of television.

Who knows what thoughts are going through his head as he goes home, sits at his computer, and opens Xkoranate.

Because yeah. Krytenia’s been hosting World Cup 50 this entire time.

Krytenia wrote:Matchday Eleven

Group One
Warkus 4-1 Andrewboy
Quakmybush 2-0 Achtervolging
Jeruselem 5-1 Queer Poco el Mono Ara
Jasiyun 4-0 Whittoria
Dracon Prime 0-1 Sorthern Northland

Pos  Team                       P   W   D   L   GF   GA   GD  Pts
   1  Sorthern Northland        10   8   2   0   31   10   21   26
   2  Jeruselem                 10   6   3   1   32   14   18   21
   3  Jasiyun                   10   6   1   3   22   15    7   19
   4  Queer Poco el Mono Ara    10   6   0   4   24   21    3   18
   5  Warkus                    10   5   1   4   14   13    1   16

In terms of milestones, this is the most important World Cup there’s ever been, and Kry’s doing it in the evenings in between failing to flirt with Rachel Riley in front of a million people. The KPBs say you get 2.3 points for HOSTING. On March 9th against Steven Ryan, Krytenia gets 7.

┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐
| G || I || H || T || O || S || E || D || N |
└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘

Opponent HOSTING

Krytenia:
┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐
| H || O || S || T || I || N || G ||   |
└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘

With four wins in a row, Krytenia is on the verge of qualifying for the Season Finale. All he needs are two more wins, and the multiverse is finally going to send a nation to the Word Cup.

And even better than that. Two more wins, and Krytenia gets to occupy a spot on TV, however minor, for the rest of time. Because this is episode 4998 of Countdown. Two more wins, and footage of Kry, and the shirt, will go down in history. Every time Channel 4 produce a program patting themselves on the back about how much of a success Countdown has been, which is every other week, they’ll show footage from show one, show 1,000, show 2,000, and almost certainly show 5,000. Most of the games Krytenia played haven’t been saved on YouTube, or even by Channel 4, but the 5000th show definitely will be.

Two more wins in a row, and Krytenia will be part of history.

And without wanting to spoil the ending, a few months down the line he will be sat in a hotel in Manchester, expenses fully paid by Channel 4, preparing for the Countdown Season 62 Grand Final.

*Unless you cound TIP Episode 4.9 of course.

by **The Idiot Project** » Fri Nov 21, 2025 3:48 pm

The Idiot Project Unrecorded
World Cup 100 Special
Written: October 2024, November 2025

Part 3         
                    _..--.._
                  .' .  0 . '.
                 / .        . \
                ; .          . |
                |      ()    15|
                ; .          . |
                 \ .        . /
                  '._' 30 '_.'
                      '--'
 _               __                            
| |             / _|                           
| |_ _   _ _ __| |_ ___ _ __   ___   ___  _ __ 
| __| | | | '__|  _/ __| '_ \ / _ \ / _ \| '__|
| |_| |_| | |  | | \__ \ |_) | (_) | (_) | |   
 \__|\__,_|_|  |_| |___/ .__/ \___/ \___/|_|   
                       | |                     
                       |_|

Friday, March 12th, 2010. Dual DUELLING in front of a million grannies.

Countdown Episode 4998, March 12th 2010
Round 1 of 15
KRYTIE   OPPO 
etomakingbaseless┌----┐  ┌----┐accusationsbecaus
    DUELLING    |  8 |  |  8 |    DUELLING    
sforwhat8everre└----┘  └----┘sforwhat8everre

The lead changes hands in the early exchanges.

Countdown Episode 4998, March 12th 2010
Round 2 of 15
KRYTIE   OPPO 
etomakingbaseless┌----┐  ┌----┐accusationsbecaus
    AVOWED      | 14 |  |  8 |       VOTED    
       6       └----┘  └----┘sforwhat0everre

Countdown Episode 4998, March 12th 2010
Round 3 of 15
KRYTIE   OPPO 
etomakingbaseless┌----┐  ┌----┐accusationsbecaus
    BRACES      | 14 |  | 15 |     ASCRIBE    
sforwhat0everrea└----┘  └----┘       7

Countdown Episode 4998, March 12th 2010
Round 4 of 15
KRYTIE   OPPO 
etomakingbaseless┌----┐  ┌----┐accusationsbecaus
    STAMEN      | 20 |  | 21 |      FASTEN    
sforwhat0everrea└----┘  └----┘sforwhat0everre

A point behind, Krytenia once again smashes a numbers round out of the park.

┌---┐  ┌---┐  ┌---┐  ┌---┐  ┌---┐  ┌---┐
|50 |  |100|  |25 |  | 8 |  | 9 |  |10 |
└---┘  └---┘  └---┘  └---┘  └---┘  └---┘
audioslaviaisaselfrightheousasshole┌-----┐
whothinksheisthemoralcompassTarget:| 414 |
towhichtherestoftheforumshouldadher└-----┘

The enemy falters when given a target of 414 points, but Krytenia is right in there with the perfect answer.

Krytenia
    8x50=400
  100/25=4
400+4+10=414

The lead increases to 17 points going into round seven.

Countdown Episode 4998, March 12th 2010
Round 7 of 15
┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐
| D || A || T || N || I || C || O || P || E |
└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘

Krytenia uses all of his thirty seconds to find ACTIONED. Using eight of the nine letters, it should be good enough to at least maintain the lead, assuming his opponent also finds the word, or ideally to extend it from 17 to 25 points at the halfway stage of the game.

There is only one scenario which doesn’t result in Krytenia keeping or extending his lead.

Krytenia ACTIONED

Opponent:
┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐
| C || A || P || T || I || O || N || E || D |
└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘

KRYTIE   OPPO 
┌----┐  ┌----┐
| 38 |  | 39 |
└----┘  └----┘

Not only does his opponent get the points, they also receive ten bonus points for using all of the given letters, and suddenly, the four-time winner finds himself behind.

A six point advantage comes as Krytenia REVOLTS, but is lost when Krytenia falls straight into the trap our pal Raheel did in part 1. PILATES is both a foreign word and a proper noun.. Once again, Kry must rely on a good numbers round to give him the lead going into the conundrum.

Countdown Episode 4998, March 12th 2010
Round 11 of 15
KRYTIE   OPPO 
etomakingbaseless┌----┐  ┌----┐accusationsbecaus
    PILATES     | 58 |  | 58 |      PETALS    
       0       └----┘  └----┘sforwhat6everre

The pair cannot be separated as we go into round fourteen of fifteen, each man on 73 points.

┌---┐  ┌---┐  ┌---┐  ┌---┐  ┌---┐  ┌---┐
|25 |  |75 |  | 2 |  | 1 |  | 7 |  | 2 |
└---┘  └---┘  └---┘  └---┘  └---┘  └---┘
audioslaviaisaselfrightheousasshole┌-----┐
whothinksheisthemoralcompassTarget:| 480 |
towhichtherestoftheforumshouldadher└-----┘

A target of 480 is tricky. Krytenia can only get 479.

Krytenia
       7-1=6
      6*75=450
450+25+2+2=479

His opponent, mind set on hitting 480 on the dot, fails to record a workable answer. Rachel Riley will fill them both in. Using just addition and subtraction, you can make this numbers round as easy as Jamie’s one from Part 1. 75−25−2 if 48 and 7+2+1 is 10. 48*10 is 480.

KRYTIE   OPPO 
┌----┐  ┌----┐
| 80 |  | 73 |
└----┘  └----┘

For the first time in his winning run, the Countdown Conundrum is a Crucial one. Thirty seconds. One word. One nine-letter anagram.

Countdown Episode 4998, March 12th 2010
The Countdown Conundrum
┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐
| T || U || R || F || S || P || O || O || R |
└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘

.                     _..--.._
                  .' .  0 . '.
                 / .    |   . \
                ; .     |    . |
                |      ()    15|
                ; .          . |
                 \ .        . /
                  '._' 30 '_.'
                      '--'

If Krytenia gets this, Krytenia wins.

.    
                    _..--.._
                  .' .  0 . '.
                 / .      / . \
                ; .      /   . |
                |      ()    15|
                ; .          . |
                 \ .        . /
                  '._' 30 '_.'
                      '--'

Krytenia stares at TURFSPOOR. He tries to will an anagram out of it, but nothing is coming. This is possibly because it looks to much like Turf Moor, the home ground of Burnley FC.

.  
                    _..--.._
                  .' .  0 . '.
                 / .        . \
                ; .          . |
                |      ()--- 15|
                ; .          . |
                 \ .        . /
                  '._' 30 '_.'
                      '--'

If his opponent gets this, then that's it. Kry loses. There will be no time to respond. Krytenia will be haunted by the ghostly spectre of Burnley FC forever. Which will be a shame, as Burnley FC randomly come up later in this very episode of The Idiot Project.

.    
                    _..--.._
                  .' .  0 . '.
                 / .        . \
                ; .          . |
                |      ()    15|
                ; .     \    . |
                 \ .     \  . /
                  '._' 30 '_.'
                      '--'

The third option is the one which has happened more often than not thus far: Nobody gets it. The points stay as they are.

.       
                    _..--.._
                  .' .  0 . '.
                 / .        . \
                ; .          . |
                |      ()    15|
                ; .     |    . |
                 \ .    |   . /
                  '._' 30 '_.'
                      '--'

Fortunately for Kry, his opponent is equally stumped. It’s left to a member of the audience to announce the answer as RUSTPROOF.

Krytenia marches to his seventh game in a row.

Let’s allow ourselves to take both a breath and stock of the situation so far..*

Pos Winners so far this season    Average Points For
 1 Oliver Garner                  100.3
 2 James Rawson                   97.2
 3 Craig Chittenden               94.6
 4 Clarke Carlisle                92
 5 Krytenia                       90
 6 Heather Badcock                88.3
 7 Jay Lopian                     87.8
 8 Raheel Mirza                   84.3
 9 Jamie Ellwood                  81
10 Colin Grainger                 80.5
11 Barney Maunder-Taylor          79.5
12 Jan Parker                     77.5
13 Christopher Smith              76.5
14 Norman Rudland                 76
15 Howard Lovelady                74.5
16 Adam Guest                     68.5
17 Mark Abbitt                    65.5

Here, we can see every Countdown winner from Season 62 up to this point, organized by the average amount of points they’ve scored. At the top, Octochampion Oliver Garner is far in the lead, a member of a very elite club called the ‘100 Club’ for having averaged over a 100 points across eight games. Spoiler alert: this guy is going to go on to win the final in June. He appears on Countdown eleven times and wins eleven times. He cannot be stopped. Nobody else is in the same universe as Oliver Garner. Behind him are four players who have managed to average scores in the 90s, which is itself an impressive feat. Krytenia is there. Not the best of the best, but one of the best. There are players in the above table who have averaged 65 to 75 points in a win. Kry has even looked like getting such a low score.

Here’s the table that matters. Players ranked first by wins, then by average score. It’s this table which will define the eight finalists at the end of the run, in around sixty episodes time.

1 Oliver Garner                  8 
2 Craig Chittenden               6 
3 Krytenia                       5 
4 Raheel Mirza                   5 
5 James Rawson                   4 
6 Heather Badcock                3 
7 Jay Lopian                     3 
8 Clarke Carlisle                2

It’s early in the season, but nevertheless it’s almost a mathematical certainty that six points will be the cutoff. Win six and you’re in. WIn five, and you’ll have to spend the next four months biting your nails and hoping a handful of people don’t go on runs of more than five. Will this happen? Can this happen? Look, the scorinator behind Countdown is random as fuck. This is season 62. In season 61, there were seven Octochamps and one guy who sneaked in with five wins. The season before that, a player sneaked in with only four wins and another even managed to got in with three. In season 63, a player on seven wins missed out on the top eight. All I’m going to say is this: For season 62, the cut-off will be six wins. If you want to win Countdown - or, more accurately, if you want to go to the Countdown Grand Final and get dominated by Oliver Garner, you need to win six in a row.

And by the way, for those of you who’ve been sitting through all this game show nonsense wondering when we’re going to start talking about football again. I can promise you, football never left. Hell, Krytenia isn’t even the only person fitting a football job around Countdown. One of only three players to have an average score higher than Kry’s, and a winner of two games in season 62 before being defeated by our friend Raheel, is Clarke Carlisle, at this point a first-team footballer for a side that will win promotion to the English Premier League in this 2009/2010 season. Yes, I did tell you Burnley came up again later on. Host Jeff Stelling is a former host of football programmes on Sky, and is a voice of sport. ‘A’ voice. If you’re of a certain age, he’s just a monkey-hanger Des Lynam, the presenter of BBC’s Grandstand and Match of the Day throughout the eighties and nineties. Des is also a former host of Countdown, and will be in Dictionary Corner for episode 5000.

If Kry wins episode 4999, he’ll get to meet Des Lynam. It’d be like touching the bristly face of god.

*By the way: Can anyone remember what it’s called when you do that? You use the same verb in two ways in a list, with the overall effect being somewhat jarring. Like, for example, "I'm having trouble with my car and a friend over for dinner"? I'm sure it has a name, but I can't think what it is.

EDIT: The word is zeugma. It took Zwangzug less than three minutes, from time of post to time of Discord message, to tell me this. My hat is off.

by **The Idiot Project** » Fri Nov 21, 2025 4:41 pm

The Idiot Project Unrecorded
World Cup 100 Special
Written: October 2024, November 2025

Part 4         
                    _..--.._
                  .' .  0 . '.
                 / .        . \
                ; .          . |
                |      ()    15|
                ; .          . |
                 \ .        . /
                  '._' 30 '_.'
                      '--'

 _             _    _       _                 
| |           | |  (_)     | |                
| |_ __ _  ___| | ___ _ __ | |_   _ _ __ ___  
| __/ _` |/ __| |/ / | '_ \| | | | | '_ ` _ \ 
| || (_| | (__|   <| | |_) | | |_| | | | | | |
 \__\__,_|\___|_|\_\_| .__/|_|\__,_|_| |_| |_|
                     | |                      
                     |_|

After a week away from our screens, Countdown returns on March 22nd 2010. Kry is on five wins in a row. A sixth win will almost definitely be enough to reach the season finale, to be held in June of that year. A sixth win will mean Krytenia will star in episode 5000 of Countdown, becoming an intermittent fixture on RL States television for the rest of time.

Kry duly begins to eviscerate his opponent.

Countdown Episode 4999, March 22nd 2010
Round 1 of 15
KRYTIE   OPPO 
etomakingbaseless┌----┐  ┌----┐accusationsbecaus
    WAIVERS     |  7 |  |  0 |      VARIES    
       7       └----┘  └----┘sforwhat0everre

Countdown Episode 4999, March 22nd 2010
Round 2 of 15
KRYTIE   OPPO 
etomakingbaseless┌----┐  ┌----┐accusationsbecaus
    ELIXIR      | 13 |  |  0 |       RIDER    
       6       └----┘  └----┘sforwhat0everre

Countdown Episode 4999, March 22nd 2010
Round 3 of 15
KRYTIE   OPPO 
etomakingbaseless┌----┐  ┌----┐accusationsbecaus
    DOTES       | 13 |  |  6 |      SOOTED    
sforwhat0everrea└----┘  └----┘       6

Countdown Episode 4999, March 22nd 2010
Round 4 of 15
KRYTIE   OPPO 
etomakingbaseless┌----┐  ┌----┐accusationsbecaus
    BUSTIER     | 20 |  |  6 |    grubiest    
sforwhat7everrea└----┘  └----┘       0

Kry wins three of the first four games outright. Going into the maths round, there’s a 14-point lead. The target: 515.

┌---┐  ┌---┐  ┌---┐  ┌---┐  ┌---┐  ┌---┐
|75 |  |100|  |25 |  | 3 |  | 9 |  | 6 |
└---┘  └---┘  └---┘  └---┘  └---┘  └---┘
audioslaviaisaselfrightheousasshole┌-----┐
whothinksheisthemoralcompassTarget:| 515 |
towhichtherestoftheforumshouldadher└-----┘

Wilkinson says he has 516. Kry says he has 515. And then… all of a sudden, he doesn’t. Whatever it was he’d worked out, it was either wrong, or he hadn’t transcribed it correctly. Wilkinson can show he was a point away and duly gets the points.

Krytenia Opponent
  515       6*100=600
            600-75-9=516

Shaken, Krytenia tries to play the word OPALIC in round seven. According to wikitionary, the first usage of this word in English occurs in 2016. It’s a word, it’s just that Krytenia is using it six years too early. The lead is narrowed further, before disappearing entirely. The second numbers round is aced, but Wilkinson finds the target too, and Krytenia must find a way to overcome a five-point gap with five rounds to go.

Countdown Episode 4999, March 22nd 2010
Round 11 of 15
KRYTIE   OPPO 
etomakingbaseless┌----┐  ┌----┐accusationsbecaus
    DREAMED     | 49 |  | 54 |     DREAMER    
sforwhat7everre└----┘  └----┘sforwhat7everre

Round eleven, both players hit seven points. Kry remains behind. It’s a tense affair, and made only the more tense by the people around them.

Throughout his Countdown tenure, Krytenia has had the pleasure of being in the room with permanent member of Dictionary Corner Susie Dent. Susie was, at this point, simply a warmly, comfortingly boring person who had yet to be tainted by Jimmy Carr making comments about her which can't be reprinted here.

For Krytenia's first string of appearances, Susie had been joined in Dictionary Corner by an even more calming influence in the form of beloved English poet Pam Ayres. You can imagine the presence of two cheerfully boring women a few feet away being good for the soul, like having The Archers on in the background while you're doing something more important than listening to The Archers, such as watching paint dry or genocide. It's conducive to keeping the higher brain functions free to turn letters and numbers into free jazz.

Here in episode 4999, the situation is the exact fucking opposite. Pam Ayres is nowhere to be seen. In her place: Gregg Wallace.

If you’re fortunate enough not to have been born British, then not only are you likely still reeling from that bizarre aside about The Archers, you might be blissfully unaware of who Gregg Wallace is. Here’s a quick explanation: His wikipedia article in 2025 has a 761-word section called ‘Broadcasting Career’ and a 970-word section called ‘Allegations of misconduct’, which even includes a table organizing the various aspects of his impropriety into a list. That's great for this ASCII episode of The Idiot Project, as without the ability to use pictures, I rather have to rely on tables. As such, I've recreated the Gregg Wallace Alleggations of Indecency chart here.

Substatiated allegations of inappropriate conduct by Gregg Wallace
Complaint                              2005–2011 2012–2018 2019–2024 Total
Sexually explicit comments                14         2                 16
Inappropriate comments                     6         5         1       12
Bullying                                   3         4                  7
Racism/Culturally insensitive comments     1         3                  4
Being in a state of undress                2         1                  3
Sexualised comments                        2                            2
Unwanted physical contact                  1                            1

Just for the sake of comparison, I have also done one for Pam Ayres.

Substatiated allegations of inappropriate conduct by Pam Ayres
Complaint                              2005–2011 2012–2018 2019–2024 Total
Sexually explicit comments                                              0
Inappropriate comments                                                  0    
Bullying                                                                0    
Racism/Culturally insensitive comments                                  0     
Being in a state of undress                                             0    
Sexualised comments                                                     0     
Unwanted physical contact                                               0

Krytenia needs to find a way to get Gregg Wallace's bald handsy twat face out of his own head. More than that, he needs to dismantle his opponent’s lead. In a master-stroke, he decides to instead mantle his own lead.

Countdown Episode 4999, March 22nd 2010
Round 12 of 15
KRYTIE   OPPO 
etomakingbaseless┌----┐  ┌----┐accusationsbecaus
    MANTLES     | 56 |  | 54 |      STOLEN    
       7       └----┘  └----┘sforwhat0everre

Round thirteen. The final word round.

Countdown Episode 4999, March 22nd 2010
Round 13 of 15
┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐
| L || A || G || D || O || A || G || N || O |
└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘

Krytenia’s opponent meets his LAGOON with GONDOLA, retaking the lead by just two points.

KRYTIE   OPPO 
┌----┐  ┌----┐
| 56 |  | 61 |
└----┘  └----┘

It’s time for the final maths round.

Countdown Episode 4999, March 22nd 2010
Round 14 of 15
┌---┐  ┌---┐  ┌---┐  ┌---┐  ┌---┐  ┌---┐
| 1 |  | 5 |  | 3 |  | 3 |  |10 |  | 6 |
└---┘  └---┘  └---┘  └---┘  └---┘  └---┘
audioslaviaisaselfrightheousasshole┌-----┐
whothinksheisthemoralcompassTarget:| 810 |
towhichtherestoftheforumshouldadher└-----┘

The enemy can only find 800 in his quest to make 810 out of these small numbers. Kry goes a different route. He doesn’t see 810. He sees 81. If he can find that without using his ten, he can hit this target exactly. 81 sounds familiar. It’s in the nine times table. There’s a six and a three to make nine. The numbers left over make eight. Multiply those together to get 81, make it 81 groups of 10, and Krytenia goes five points ahead with only one round remaining.

Krytenia

5+3+1=9
  6+3=9
  9*9=81
81*10=810

KRYTIE   OPPO 
┌----┐  ┌----┐
| 66 |  | 61 |
└----┘  └----┘

For the second game in a row, it all comes down to a Crucial Countdown Conundrum. Yet again, ff Kry gets this, he wins. He goes to Episode 5000 of Countdown, he reaches the Grand Final of the entire series. If his opponent gets it, Krytenia loses, and gets none of that. The third option, the clock hitting zero without anyone getting the conundrum, results in a Krytenia win.

Countdown Episode 4999, March 22nd 2010
The Countdown Conundrum
┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐
| T || A || C || K || I || P || L || U || M |
└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘

.         
                    _..--.._
                  .' .  0 . '.
                 / .    /   . \
                ; .     |    . |
                |      ()    15|
                ; .          . |
                 \ .        . /
                  '._' 30 '_.'
                      '--'

We didn’t mention it earlier, but it was around here, the two second mark, that Krytenia hit his button in episode 4995. In just two seconds, he looked at the nonsense collection of letters TECHYTWIT and correctly ascertained they were hiding WITCHETTY, a word which I don’t think I’d ever heard before now.

.   
                    _..--.._
                  .' .  0 . '.
                 / .      / . \
                ; .      /   . |
                |      ()    15|
                ; .          . |
                 \ .        . /
                  '._' 30 '_.'
                      '--'

There’s no such luck today. No DING from Kry. Experience thus tells us that if Kry doesn’t see the conundrum immediately, he doesn’t see it at all. Still, there’s no DING from the other side either. We’re still good.

.   
                    _..--.._
                  .' .  0 . '.
                 / .        . \
                ; .          . |
                |      ()--- 15|
                ; .          . |
                 \ .        . /
                  '._' 30 '_.'
                      '--'

This is the point where Kry previously hit DING and coined the word HATDRYING. There is no such action today. Half the time has elapsed, and still nobody has buzzed in. The quarter-finals loom, whispering in the wind, “EBWK”

.
                    _..--.._
                  .' .  0 . '.
                 / .        . \
                ; .          . |
                |      ()    15|
                ; .      \   . |
                 \ .      \ . /
                  '._' 30 '_.'
                      ‘—‘

Or, in full, Everything’s Better With KryDING

Opponent:

┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐┌---┐
| M || U || L || T || I || P || A || C || K |
└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘└---┘

KRYTIE   OPPO 
┌----┐  ┌----┐
| 66 |  | 71 |
└----┘  └----┘

Krytenia returns home to scorinate the third to last round of qualifying fixtures for World Cup 50. If he can take any solace, it’s that his copy of Xkoranate gave Starblaydia a 2-0 defeat. Krytenia, exhausted from their trips to and from the multiverse, will be knocked out in the first round of the World Cup, drawing twice and losing once. They will mark the end of the 50s by losing a World Cup final to a Sossimo Lisson inspired Aguazul. They will never return to even the last four of a World Cup.

They will never return to seek revenge on Countdown. Opponent Dave Wilkinson appears in Episode 5000, which is on YouTube in its entirety. He gets to meet Des Lynam. Dave turns out to be a decent player of Countdown and ends up qualifying for the final himself, chaining together six more wins.

1 Oliver Garner        8
2 Danny Pledger        8
3 Dave Wilkinson       7
4 Peter Zyss           7
5 Craig Chittenden     6
6 Lee Graham           6
7 Nicki Sellars        6
8 Claudia Tyson        6
------------------------
R Krytenia             5

Krytenia, stuck on five, miss out. As The Holy Empire, Starblaydia, Valanora and Vilita can attest: Winning the Sixth is Difficult.

We mentioned spoiling the ending a couple of episodes ago:

And without wanting to spoil the ending, a few months down the line he will be sat in a hotel in Manchester, expenses fully paid by Channel 4, preparing for the Countdown Season 62 Grand Final.

It was a white lie. Krytenia, as the player with the ninth best record in the series, was asked to come to the final by Channel 4 as the first reserve. Ultimately, his services were not required.

To be honest, that’s only the third of three white lies we’ve told you.

First, we said he was competing in Countdown and hosting World Cup 50 at the same time. In truth, his episodes had been recorded a month prior. It was only during World Cup 50 that the episodes were actually aired.

Secondly, for reasons best known to themselves, Countdown’s special celebratory 5000th episode was actually show number 5003, meaning Kry wouldn’t have gotten onto it anyway. Even if he’d won every game, he’d have been made an Octochamp in episode 5002, and thus would have missed 5003.

So in Unrecorded we’ve looked at Drawkland Baseball, Quakmybush Football and the many failed quests to win a sixth World Cup. Where does this snatching of defeat from the jaws of victory put Krytenia in our list of epic bottle-jobs?

Nah. Nowhere. What Krytenia achieved cannot be called bottling. Honestly, to even be able to think clearly when you’re on stage in front of 50 people is hard enough. To do so with the knowledge that there’s a million people, including everyone you know, who will be watching it at home, takes guts.

And yet on the other hand, Krytenia did have victory within his grasp. It was, in the final rounds, his to lose:

Krytenia — Yesterday at 23:52
And a little easter egg: I had a "risky 7" in the round against GONDOLA, 
which i later found out would have been valid. I would have won if I played it.
The word: GONADAL
I swear I am not making that up

Audio — Yesterday at 23:52
would have been perfect
Rimmeresque

Krytenia — Yesterday at 23:52
I...uh...lacked the balls to declare it on national television

Audio — Yesterday at 23:52
har

Krytenia — Yesterday at 23:52
Daytime national television at that

Audio — Yesterday at 23:52
I'm editing all this into the episode later

We get told that, if you fail, you should keep trying until you succeed. Honestly, the inverse is just as useful as a proverb. If you succeed, keep going until you fail. Keep winning. If you’re always winning, it just means you haven’t found your level yet. Krytenia found theirs. Just about the best, but not quite. On another day, with other opponents, perhaps things could be different.

In the mean time, there’s always Hatdrying.

by **Audioslavia** » Sun Apr 05, 2026 4:13 pm

1: John Cabañas of the 135

The Idiot Project is so called because it’s the sort of project only an idiot would undertake. ‘Let’s database every international match result ever’ is one example of this sort of thing. ‘Let’s create a seven-hour YouTube documentary based on what we find’ is another. By comparison, ‘let’s find every goal ever scored in a World Cup final and organise them by scorer, minute and type of goal’ is pretty tame. But that's what we've done.

Welcome to Project Tor. Every goal ever scored in a World Cup final. Ranked, filed and charted.

There have been 100 World Cup finals. This series looks at 75 of them. Of the other 25, three finished goal-less after extra time. Penalty shoot-out goals don't count, so these three 0-0s go without mention except to note that two of them involved an Aguazul side who, it turns out, only scored three goals across their four World Cup final matches. They won all four ties.

Of the rest, four World Cup finals have been lost to time (WCs 1, 2, 3 and 5) and 17 either weren’t RP’d at all, or were RP’d but in a way that did not mention goals or goalscorers. A further final, World Cup 19, was later expunged from the record books, and so hasn’t been included. Interestingly enough, the only goal of the expunged final, a 37th minute free-kick, was copied exactly in World Cup 20 and again in World Cup 64, meaning our World Cup 19 goal somehow appears twice in the database despite having been removed.

THUMP...THUD... tsshh... ROAR

[nation] winger [scorer name] wheels away towards the crowd, arms aloft, being pursued by most of the other [nation] side. The defensive wall that Audioslavia had created simply stood there, staring at the goal and at the ball that nested comfortably in the bottom corner of it. Audioslavian goalie [goalie name] picked himself up, dusted himself down, and booted the ball out. The contrasting emotions of both sets of players was echoed in the behaviour of both sets of commentators. In Audioslavia's commentary booth, commentator [commentator name] was trying to remain neutral, commenting on how the free-kick was 'beautifully struck', albiet in a somewhat melancholy way. [nation]’s commentary booth is a riot of colours and excited voices. ""A superb free-kick... and the [nation] are a goal up in the world cup final! [scorer name] stepped up and curled it beautifully round the wall... [goalie name] was well beaten, its in off the bar and [nation] are one step closer to the championship!
:- Audioslavia, WC19 RP Thread 2005-01-06
:- Audioslavia, WC20 RP Thread 2005-02-18
:- Audioslavia, WC64 RP Thread 2013-05-04

343 goals have been scored across all 100 World Cup Final matches. Of those, we’ve managed to find information on 234 of them. We were able to record a goal if either its time or scorer were mentioned in the World Cup’s RP thread. If anyone posted their WC final RP in a different thread, we didn’t bother chasing it down.

As of World Cup 100, a hundred and thirty five men, thirty one women and five elves have scored in World Cup finals. Add to that one player whose pronouns appear exclusively to be ‘they’ and one player that appears to be spider, and you have our elite club of World Cup Final goalscorers from Jurassica's Juan Delantro in World Cup 4 to Audioslavia's Goran Yurán in World Cup 99.

The club contains zero players named ‘Mark’ or ‘David’ but does somehow include two different players named Syku (both from the same nation) and two different players named Tanner (both from different nations). That’s not to say they’re all weirdly named, though. Counting our various Juans, Jans, Ivans and Giovannis, “John” is the goalscoriest name in world football, with nine different goalscorers, all hailing from nine different nations. For those of you who absolutely need to know who they are: Juan Delantro (Jurassica, World Cup 4), Iain Maidens (Audioslavia, World Cup 12), Giovanni Lopez (Starblaydia, World Cup 25), John Andrews (Ariddia, World Cup 34), Johnathon Kelly (Valanora, World Cup 40), John Schiermeier (Dancougar, World Cup 46), Juan Tzimisces (The Holy Empire, World Cups 48 and 69), John Spartan (Eura, World Cup 66) and Johnathon Bagshaw (Flavovespia, World Cup 98). What can we learn from this? Nothing. Which is just the way we like it.

The Cabañas effect is the force that empowers players with punctuation and non-standard characters in their names to become world class footballers at a higher rate than their purely alphabetical cousins - turns out not to be as powerful as one might first have imagined, comprising just seventeen of our 135 known goalscorers. Strangely enough, these diacritic goals seem to come in batches. Two came together in World Cup 7 through antarcticad (a player who, like most Errinunderans, refused to capitalise the first letter of their name) and Spaam’s Méla Sëhelin. The 30s gave us Az-cz’s EE-Or (WC33, WC37) and Kn-Dg (WC37) with Ariddia’s Sébastien Lescrit (WC34) and Raphaëlle du Valdor (WC35).

It would take a further thirty-five cycles before we got more cabañas footballers. Namely Pasarga’s Inèz van Stiphout (WC72), Kita-Hinode’s Paranawê (WC76), Schottia’s Corinne Martel-Burns (WC79) and a Farf by the name of Lázár Eleonóra (WC84).

Into the nineties, we’d get Graintfjall’s Jason Þórhallursson (WC91), Zwangzug’s
Quincy Dulk-Fough (WC92), Banija’s Abel Wesoloski-Okafor (WC93, WC94),
Chromatika’s Levrentiy Xuen-Zhukov (WC93) and, finally, Audioslavia’s Goran Yurán (WC99).

As well as data of the goalscorers’ names, we’ve also tried to find information about the type of goals they scored. Every goal in our database has been given tags depending on its description. Let’s take a famous one for example:

In the 76th minute, time seems to freeze. Coccino releases the ageless Di Bradini with an exquisite through ball, and Lopulalan struggles to keep up. Di Bradini crosses. O'Brien tries to head the ball away, but misses. Davies and Wilkinson are marking Comneno and Boradiates, caught static as both Tzimisces and Ug-Ug make surging runs from midfield. They simultaneously jump to head the ball, and for years to come, fans across realities will argue over who had the final touch.

It doesn't matter, because Rosalia is stranded covering the far post. The ball is in the back of the net.
:- The Holy Empire (2009-10-09)

Here’s a slightly abridged version of how that goal looks in our database.

Cycle Score Min   Writer   For  Against                    Scorer Sex  Keywords
   48   1-0  76      THE   THE      CAM    Ug-Ug / Juan Tzimisces   M  header, cross, open-play, god-mod

We’ve affixed the keywords ‘cross’, ‘header’ and ‘open-play’ to describe the goal. We’ve also added the word ‘god-mod’, a term usually reserved for seventy-yard bicycle kicks that cannon into the top corner after a deflection from a passing aeroplane, but that does also include include ‘let’s have my manager and assistant manager come off the bench to combine to score the winner by virtue of the world’s first caveman-byzantine double-header’.

There are parts of the Project Tor database that I initially didn’t do entirely manually. The menial busywork of assigning keywords to goals was partly done by an AI. I wouldn’t recommend it. I found that I had to go back through each goal and add or amend ChatGPT’s data as appropriate, which turned out to be so much work that, in the end, it would have been quicker, easier and more accurate just to do it all manually. AI is only usable if you don’t care how janky the results are.

Doing this all manually meant that I got to append four World Cup final goals with the descriptor of my favourite type of goal. Rarest, yet most beautiful of all goals.

“The Blooter”

Coming up:
1. John Cabañas of the 135
2. All Aboard The Blooterbus
3. The Unholy Trinity
4. A Striking Distance
5. Minute Detail
6. Ariddia versus Bettia
7. The Imperfect Hat-trick
8. The First Grand Slam
9. Let Go, Take Flight
10. M*** F****! I can walk!

by **Audioslavia** » Sun Apr 05, 2026 4:26 pm

2: All Aboard the Blooterbus

A Blooter drags your team from a one-goal lead to a two-goal lead late on in a big game. It creates a buffer between your team and your opponents and there isn’t enough time left on the clock for it to be overcome. Like all the best things in life, The Blooter is a release of tension. Sure, sex is fine and all, but have you ever gone two-nil up in the 94th minute? It’s Alberto Gilardino’s no-look lay-off to Alessandro del Piero, who curls a high finish round Jens Lehman in the 120th minute. It’s Divock Origi putting Liverpool two goals up with two minutes to go in the Champions League final. It’s Kenny McLean cutting out a Danish pass deep into injury time, jogging forward, and lobbing Schmeichel from the halfway line for 4-2. The Blooter is catharsis. The rare occasion where the ball hitting the back of the net flat out wins your team the game.

In the modern era, only two goals have been given the code-name ‘Blooter’.

The Blooter
Karsten Eiger
World Cup 63 Final - 90+3rd Minute
Audioslavia [2]-0 Starblaydia
Written by Audioslavia

An airborn John Ryan's outstretched boot reached the ball before Kochanska could stoop to finish the ball into the gaping net, sending it high into the night and seemingly out for a throw in, to the wheezed sighs of relief from the Audioslavians in the crowd. Marmitinho, not wanting to waste time taking a throw-in, kept the ball from going out of play, but an attentive Rijsbergen picked the ball off the winger's feet before he could do anything with it, and in the blink of an eye it was swept out to Courier in midfield. A first-time pass to Mannestraal - on for the utterly knackered Weverton Sporadic - two more passes, the Audioslavian front-four sprinting forward at pace, just two defenders back to deal with them, the perfect storm of a counter-attack.

The ball played forward, to a Txordin Velazquez sprinting into the penalty area to collect it, killing the ball dead, waiting for the defender to approach and then, with a stroke of his right foot so casual it was like he was playing the ball in his slippers, the playmaker stroked the ball to his right.

Karsten Eiger was arriving. There were no white shirts near him. The ball rolled accross the area, left to right, just a yard behind the penalty spot. Eiger slowed his run, his strides became longer, for a second, as he synced his run to get his right foot to the ball at the right time.

There were twenty seconds left of injury time. Audioslavia were 1-0 up and good for their lead. If an Audioslavian had stopped and thought about it, it wouldn't matter whether Eiger scored, missed or even pounced forward and ate the ball whole. None of that mattered. Here, presented to the fans of the Bulls, the 'slaves, the claret and green, the fire, chokers, the c***s, the ne'erdowells, los toros, the men and women who followed the Audioslavian game for tens and/or hundreds of years, the men who played, managed, coached or loved the team, here, was the icing on the cake.

Karsten Eiger fucking blootered it.

The ball was beyond a despairing flail of the goalkeeper's hands in the blink of an eye, burying itself in the top corner of the goal.

The noise.. oh god the noise.

Audioslavia - 2013-02-12

Four cycles later, Audioslavia would go from blooteror to blooteree.

The Twotor
Kohev Kungas-Vaga
World Cup 67 Final - 85th Minute
Polar Islandstates [2]-0 Audioslavia
Written by Polar Islandstates

The frustration showed, and when Zekani was blown up for holding Lillehammer in the eighty-fifth minute on the edge of the box, Lillehammer took the kick quickly. To Villeneuve, who laid it out to the left flank for Vaaraniemi. Fresh on, the pace of Vaaraniemi destroyed the structure of Audioslavia at the back and the break was on. Surely, we thought, surely this would be the moment that we would put demons to rest. Bjerregaard and Kolehmainen were streaking down the pitch creating a two-on-two with Mancini and Mannini in the centre, waiting for the cross from Vaaraniemi. And then there was Kungas-Vaga appearing from nowhere creating a three-on-two. And then there was the cross. And then there was Kungas-Vaga arriving late to volley home with a shot that left Imaslavii twisting and turning in mid-flight to try and stop the ball from finding its way gloriously into the top corner. And then there was noise.

Kungas-Vaga wheeled away from the goal and ran the length of the pitch, first looking for the figure of van Sorensen in the crowd. He pointed. He clasped the badge on his chest, shaking it as he screamed in pride. He ran towards us Twitchers, celebrating in front of us as the team mobbed him. Audioslavian players were lying down on the pitch, they thought it was all over. It might as well have been. Surely that was it? Surely that was the end of the years of hurt.
Polar Islandstates - 2014-01-26

The goals of Eiger and Kungas-Vaga are sisters. Both happened on a late counter-attack that finally sealed their first World Cup after having made an embarrassing habit of losing finals. Both finishes are thumped cathartically hard into the goal, Eiger’s down the centre, Kungas-Vaga’s a volley into the top corner.

Pre-modern World Cup finals gave us two further blooters.

Bedistan’s second goal in their World Cup 30 two-nothing win over Starblaydia is entirely based around capturing this Moment of Blooter, filmed through the Magical Camera of RP, a trope that has sadly gone out of fashion.

The Shooter
Parker Law
World Cup 30 Final - 72nd Minute
Bedistan [2]-0 Starblaydia
Written by Bedistan

We look out over the Stadium of Light through our Magical Camera of RP. And this isn't some cruddy Rejistanian model either, this is the latest and greatest, streaming enough megapixels to produce a crystal-clear picture on a movie theater-sized screen at over 40 frames per second. Oh, and did I mention it features time manipulation technology? Yep, it does. Right now we've paused time as we pan through the stadium. Looking over at the big scoreboard, we see that Bedistan are up 1-0 over Starblaydia after seventy-one minutes and three seconds. The stands are absolutely packed with people wearing either purple and white or blue and green, depending on which team they're here to support, and there seems to be about a 50-50 split.

The camera stops near the midfield line, looking into the crowd. We see a family of four, all dressed in green and blue and therefore cheering for Bedistan. This is the Palmer family, from the small* city of Jennerstown in Spalding province, Bedistan. The father, Isaac, had been saving money for nine months so that he could take his whole family to the final. They all had been banking on their nation to make it here, and they weren't disappointed. Isaac believed that these two thousand bakrani** were the best he'd eveer spent, and the looks on their faces seem to indicate that his wife Marian agrees, as do their children, 17-year-old Brett and 12-year-old Nicole.

The camera zooms out and gives a 180-degree rotation so that it now looks out over the pitch. We see Bedistan in its usual 3-4-1-2 formation, and we see that the current focus of activity in the match seems to be over by the Starblaydi goal. But we'll get to that later.

Now the camera moves into a sea of purple over on the other side of the stadium. We come to the ninth row, where we see a fairly large number of Starblaydia supporters who appear to have smuggled a pretty decent quantity of alcohol into the stadium. Indeed, there are several empty Orcinus bottles strewn about the stand beneath them. Like the Palmers on the other side, these Starblaydis seem to be having the time of their lives. Perhaps even too good of a time, as we see one over on the end making a rude gesture to the nearest Bedistani player while a more sober-looking woman on his left with Starblaydi flags painted on both cheeks continues pleading with him to relinquish his car keys.

And now we go back several rows to a group of dark-skinned people dressed in white, the secondary Starblaydi color. This is the Seove family - Hetamhak~hi, Inideh~sisa, and Kiiramvela - from Nanti Lik~hat, Rejistania. While certainly not quite the fervent Starblaydia supporters that the subjects of Viannor may be, the Seove'he'ny were nevertheless hoping the Lions would not be victorious so that the Orange-Blues would remain the only team with four World Cup titles to their name. The expression on Inideh~sisa's face is one of worry, perhaps due to the events transpiring on the pitch at the moment.

Zoom out, turn around, and zoom in again, back to the Bedistan-supporting side of the stadium. And once again people of another nation have thrown their support behind one of the teams here today, in this case a group of Vilitans having just arrived in Qutar from Yeaddin. Most of them are wearing Bedistani blue and green, though several sport the kits of Yeaddin Owls AFC, the old club of former Bedistan manager Kenter Surf and some former Bedistan national team superstars. All of them are staring intently at the end of the pitch where the Starblaydi goal is.

Now the camera starts to pan up, up, way up. Into the nosebleed section, where we see a man dressed in a red and white shirt and blue jeans. He seems to be looking up at the sky as though he's praying for a meteorite to appear out of nowhere and make a direct hit on the pitch below. Those around him seem to have dismissed him as insane.

And now we zoom, at long last, to the Starblaydi goal. The ball is en route, apparently having recently left the right foot of Bedistan captain Parker Law. Goalkeeper Paola Mendez seems to be trying to make her way toward the incoming ball, but if it's going fast enough, she doesn't have a chance.

We unpause the camera and hear the stadium suddenly burst into a roar, as Law's shot apparently was fast enough. Two-nil to Bedistan! And, it would later turn out, a fourth World Cup title officially in the history books for the Lions, at last tying the Orange-Blues' record.

And now all that's left to do is see if the Lions can be the first to make it five. But we won't know for another four years.
Bedistan - 2006-09-29

Bedistan’s fourth World Cup championship comes a few cycles after Rejistania’s own quaternary title. The Rejistani archetype is simpler. And very Rejistanian.

The Xkooter
Syku Hanmatu
World Cup 23 Final - 85th Minute
Rejistania[2]-0 Druida
Written by Rejistania

(85th minute)
ER: And again Dai Jones loses the ball to Hitu Myjutes, quick pass to SeKa, he plays upfields to Hanmatu'he they are starting another attack, Trevor Orange can not intercept that, Myjutes'he has the ball, in good position, he decides to pass to Hanmatu'he, and.... XXXXXXXXKKKKKKOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! (whatever he says now is incomprehensible due to the cheers of Rejistanians in the stadium and in the RejisCAST building, where "working hard" conveniently became "hardly working").

SR: JJJJJJJJJIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! Now defend! Do not risk a thing! Go Rejistania! (it is not clear wether that was said or not since still many cheers were heard)
Rejistania - 2005-07-25

The Blooter is a fringe subcategory of a type of goal that is both more common than it should be and exactly as common as you'd expect in a World Cup Final: The Hollywood Goal. You know. Pele in Escape to Victory. Santiago Muñez from 35 yards. Or when she bent it like Beckham in Bend it Like Beckham. Dramatic. Sentimental. Pushing the bounds of reality but, importantly, staying within them. When you push that particular envelope to far, you let the demons in.

Coming up:
1. John Cabañas of the 135
2. All Aboard The Blooterbus
3. The Unholy Trinity
4. A Striking Distance
5. Minute Detail
6. Ariddia versus Bettia
7. The Imperfect Hat-trick
8. The First Grand Slam
9. Let Go, Take Flight
10. M*** F****! I can walk!

by **Audioslavia** » Sun Apr 05, 2026 5:01 pm

3: The Unholy Trinity

A trawl through the archives suggests we first used the word god-mod on November 30th 2003, during World Cup 10, in the context of a user stat-padding their favourite player. The Belmore Family claimed that Alan Belmore had scored around 80% of all the national team’s goals. Some other users disagreed. And that’s the end of that story. You don’t need to know any more details. It’s Kingsford. Spaam. Belmore. I’ll let your imagination run wild as to how tedious the entire exchange is.

Stat-padding is only one type of god-modding. Goals are another.

Goals themselves can never be god-mods, but the manner in which they are scored can. In my mind, there are three main ways that a goal can be scored in a god-moddy fashion. And all three types have been scored in a World Cup final.

Type 1: The Bollywood God-mod

Bollywood football isn’t to be confused with Hollywood football, but the two are connected.

Hollywood football is eye-catching, narrative-driven and sentimental. Picture the crowd rising for the introduction of their favourite player subbing into the game late on, fighting through the knee injury they suffered two acts ago, shaking off a defender, his fear of heights and his reputation as a choker to leap through the air in the 89th minute and Karate Kid crane-kick his team into the record books, finally fulfilling his dying father’s wish for the protagonist to bring the trophy to the capital for the first time. Winning goals in World Cup Finals are sometimes written like this. For good reason. Nobody wants their big moment to be an eighteenth minute tap-in.

The Hollywood goal requires a suspension of belief. It means giving the writer a bit of leeway to do something so few of us manage to pull off: Actually finish a story. It pushes the boundaries of what is believable without breaking them. It’s not a god mod. It doesn’t go that one step from reality to unreality.

The Bollywood goal goes this extra step. It pushes the boundary of realism beyond its breaking point. A striker leaps thirty feet into the air to strike the football with both feet, which somehow generates more power than a regular shot. A winger plays a pass with so much spin that they get to receive their own cross. Twin midfielders kick the ball at the exact same time, imbuing their shot with a power of brotherly love so strong that the fiery ball carries the goalkeeper over the goal-line, through the back of the net and through the advertising boards with a glass-break.wav and a wilhelm scream. Y’know. Captain Tsubasa shit.

Our Goran Yurán goal is such a god-mod.

The Bollywood God-mod
Goran Yurán
World Cup 99 Final - Second Half
Audioslavia [1]-0 Squornshelous
Written by Audioslavia

Audioslavian goals in major finals are rarely the stuff of Hollywood. Quite the opposite, in fact. This is the team who won a Cup of Harmony 1-0 by virtue of the ball hitting both the striker and the goalkeeper square in the face before trickling into the goal, and who once won a CAFA Cup 1-0 after the opposing team had played an indirect free-kick so badly that the ball hit their own crossbar, struck the goalie on the back of the head and went in.

Both goals are more slapstick than blockbuster, more Shaolin Soccer than Goal. Audioslavia’s 1-0 winner in World Cup 99 went entirely the other way. The footballing equivalent of a cop jumping out of a tumbling car, firing eight shots from his six-shooter, and then jumping back in via the sunroof to perfectly parallel park between a priceless vase and an orphan’s lemonade stand.

The shot is blocked by a desperate lunge from Van, and the ball spins up high in the air towards Tutku, whose hasty volleyed clearance is sliced wildly. The ball is sent skyward, and looks to be dropping down on the near side of the centre circle with a tremendous amount of backspin. Underneath it, seemingly a full sprint, is young defender Goran Yurán, eyes fixed on the ball's arc.

Crucially, at this moment, Confederate goalkeeper Radoslav Bláha takes four steps forward to lambast a defender, plus to scream at the rest of his team for not sprinting back at full pelt. Those four steps will be what ends up separating the two teams.

Yurán meets the volley flush on the laces of his left boot, with the ball at the lowest it could possibly be on its arc before it hits the ground. The ball, already spinning rapidly, is given another generous helping of RPM in the same direction, along with a massive amount of force. The ball is propelled goalwards, but also skywards, smashed at almost a 45 degree angle. The sheer forward-spin on the ball means it will arc and dip downwards faster than any shot you've ever seen. At its apex, it's about three times higher than the goal, and it passes Bláha above and to the right of his flailing dive, level with the penalty spot, but it bounces just before the foot of the post before cannoning off of it and into the roof of the centre of the net.

Audioslavia, a team famed for scoring the worst goals you've ever seen, have just birthed a thunderbastard. Goran Yurán is its glowing mother. It doesn't have a father. The clue is in the name.
Audioslavia: 2025-07-03

If you’re thinking that hey, maybe you could give me a pass for this, don’t. The fact that I already knew I was going to make Project Tor means this goal is complete horse-shit. A Mary Sue. Stat-padding to put your player above his peers is bad enough. Thunderbastard-padding to win your own puskas award is a whole nother level of lame.

The key to Bollywood God-modding is this: For some teams, it doesn’t exist. Audioslavian football is verisimilitudinous enough so that, when something unreal happens, it’s noticeable, and when something unreal happens in my favour, it can be considered god-modding.

The same is not true of every nation.

Some nations are, simply, magical. There are gods or pirates or elves or laser-dinosaurs. Their world is permanently unreal. You can have an immortal manager. You can have an immortal assistant manager. You can even bring them both on as surprise substitutes to play in your actual first-team. They can score an outrageous winning goal in the World Cup final, in their first on-field appearance in 40 cycles, and it’s fine. You’re not outwith the bounds of expectation. While Goran Yurán’s goal is very much a god-mod, the Ugg-ugg/Tzimisces goal is not.

The Exception
Ugg-ugg / Juan Tzimisces
World Cup 48 Final - 76th Minute
Written by The Holy Empire
The Holy Empire [1]-0 Candelaria And Marquez

In the 76th minute, time seems to freeze. Coccino releases the ageless Di Bradini with an exquisite through ball, and Lopulalan struggles to keep up. Di Bradini crosses. O'Brien tries to head the ball away, but misses. Davies and Wilkinson are marking Comneno and Boradiates, caught static as both Tzimisces and Ug-Ug make surging runs from midfield. They simultaneously jump to head the ball, and for years to come, fans across realities will argue over who had the final touch.

It doesn't matter, because Rosalia is stranded covering the far post. The ball is in the back of the net.
The Holy Empire (2009-10-09)

For a further explanation of why the WC99 goal is a god-mod but the WC48 one isn’t, I’ve prepared a breakdown of what I think is, and isn’t, a god-mod.

“Our winger beat the full-back with a burst of speed”
This is not a god-mod.

“Our winger beat the full-back with a burst of gamma rays”
This is probably god-modding.

“Our winger beat the fullback with a stick”
Also likely a god-mod, unless you’ve done quite a lot of backstory with regards to how and why your winger has a stick, and why their full-back deserved the business end of it.

”My winger is a snail and the opposition full-back is literally ‘The Flash’”.
This is fine.

“Our winger beat the full-back with a burst of speed”
This is a god-mod, given the above. You’ve just established some lore and broken it to make your team look good. Dirty god-modder.

Type 2: The Barren Field of Fucks

Type 1, The Bollywood, is breaking the rules because you really want everything to be perfect. Type 2 is the opposite. Type 2 is for people who don’t give a shit about what lore or worldbuilding or levels of reality they have established. The rules can, and will, at any point, be entirely ripped up at the behest of a random one-off idea.

Observe Kingsford, in the final of World Cup 14.

A Very Pre-Jolt Era Goal
Jingus Gonorrhea
World Cup 14 Final - 90+5th Minute
Kingsford [1]-0 Rejistania
Written by Kingsford

“Kingsford had won World Cup 14, and they had done it on the back of their unlikely hero, the 4th string keeper, known to the world as Gonorrhea.”
Kingsford 2004-06-05

The weird thing about Jingus Gonorrhea is that the weird thing about Jingus Gonorrhea is not that his name is Jingus Gonorrhea. The weird thing is that this character was created entirely for this match. He is described as the team’s fourth string goalkeeper yet he doesn’t appear in Kingsford’s roster at any point, and he doesn’t appear in any RP at all, either in this, the previous or the following World Cup. He doesn’t appear to be a reference to anything. He is used in the World Cup Final and only the World Cup Final. His entire reason for existence appears to be that this is just where Kingsford decided to go with the RP.

"“Lunchbox, this game sucks!” Announced co-coach Jay Leonardo. “Let’s put the retard in. Well why not? No, he won’t screw it up. Hey Jingus! JINGUS!”

Jingus Gonorrhea limped over to the coaches. “Yessah?”

“Jingus, we want you to go in for Scott Dark.”

“Whysah?”

“Because this match sucks.”
As soon as Jingus hit the field, he started running all over the place. At one point, he got the ball, not knowing what to do with it, he kicked it as hard as he could into the crowd. It went unexpectedly fast and crushed the skull of a spectator, later identified as Alan Belmore, the retired star of the Belmore Family, who now is six feet under.

Jingus, ashamed, sat down in the middle of the field. He sat there for the rest of the match, which had some good struggles, didn’t result in much. Then, in the waning minutes of extra time, Saturn Calcéte, realizing the clock to be low, hurled a kick. It looked on course to the Rejistanian Keeper, until it bounced off the back of Jingus Gonorrhea, soaring high into the air. All players rushed to his side, but the ref’s whistle didn’t blow, and the ball, headed slowly toward the Rejistanian goal, bounced slowly in, just before the final buzzer. The score was Kingsford 1, Rejistania 0 in the World Cup 14 final, the only goal attributed to Jingus Gonorrhea in the 95th"

A searchable version of the jolt archives was brought to my attention recently. Jingus appears four times, most notably as the entirety of Kingsford’s U21 World Cup squad a few months after this World Cup final.

They don’t make them like they used to. Thank god.

Type 3: The Joke

Where Type 2 shows disdain for the moment, Type 3 revels in it. The tension builds and builds until suddenly, before you expect it, it is released with a ‘twang’. It has the rhythm and structure of a joke. Hence the name.

To put it a different way: A type 3 is a type 2 happening in a type 1.

A great example happens in World Cup 18. Rank outsiders Kaze Progressa are experiencing a bit of a nose-bleed at the dizzying heights of the World Cup final, but after weathering an early storm they are on a hiding to nothing against reigning World Champions Rejistania, themselves contenders for the title of greatest side in history.

The early going sees Rejistania take the lead. The staunchly defensive orange-blues very rarely, if ever, gave up leads from a point of strength. The early goal was supposed to be the death-knell for Kaze Progressan ambition. And yet, from nowhere, Sani Luvo emerges. Suddenly, the Progressans have equalised and shortly after that, they’ve taken the lead.

It’s a barnstorming end-to-end goalfest where Rejistania are being played off the park by Kaze Progressa. How on earth do you even react to that? It’s enough to make you faint from surprise.

The Chloroform Moonshot
Tuade Lue
World Cup 18 Final - 36th Minute
Rejistania [2]-2 Kaze Progressa
Written by Kaze Progressa

All eleven players fainted around a minute later as they realised the shock of this occurrence, and Tuade Lue, who had the ball at the time 45 yards from goal, duly lobbed it into the empty net. 2-2. And that was the half-time score.

After all the tension, a sharp change of the gears. The account of the game goes back to realism immediately after.

These god-modding credentials of these goals of Gonorrhea, Lue and Yurán are strengthened by the fact that each goal was scored anywhere between 45 and 60 yards away from the goal. Yurán strikes hard from just outside the centre circle. Lue plays his lob from around the same part of the pitch. Jingus is supposedly sitting right in the middle of the field when a ball hits him and travels skyward at a rate of knots.

What’s peculiar about these three god-mods is that, in terms of distance, they are the 4th, 3rd and 2nd longest-range World Cup Final goals of all time.

Coming up:
1. John Cabañas of the 135
2. All Aboard The Blooterbus
3. The Unholy Trinity
4. A Striking Distance
5. Minute Detail
6. Ariddia versus Bettia
7. The Imperfect Hat-trick
8. The First Grand Slam
9. Let Go, Take Flight
10. M*** F****! I can walk!

by **The Idiot Project** » Mon Apr 06, 2026 8:05 am

4: A Striking Distance

A small note before we start for audiences outside the anglosphere: Though we usually use metric measurements whenever possible, in this chapter we use the imperial yard. We do this because the original measurements of a football pitch were in yards. What you might call the five-metre area is actually nearer five and a half metres, or exactly six yards. The penalty area extends 18 yards forwards from the goal-line and the same distance either side of each goal-post. It’s a silly old game which uses an even sillier and even older measuring system.

A yard is a little over 90 centimetres, or exactly three feet, so put three of your trainers in a line and that’s about a yard. The six yard and eighteen yard boxes are so named for their distance to the goal-line. From the corner of the area to near goalpost, the distance is about 25 yards. Pitches vary in length and width. We’ll be assuming a 115 yard pitch, which puts the halfway line at around 57-58 yards.

You’d expect the World Cup final to be a hotbed of god-modding. It’s surprisingly not the case. We get hollywood goals, sure, but when it comes to long-range efforts, the multiverse has been surprisingly conservative.

The percentage of all goals scored from inside the penalty area is at least 83.7%.

26.3% of WC final goals were scored with six yards of goal. 53.2% come from eighteen yards out. 4.2% are penalties.

We say ‘at least’ because our data isn’t perfect. A description that puts the shot about 20 yards from goal may or may not mean the shot came from outside the area, depending on the angle. 83.7% is the lowest estimate for how many goals came from within the box. Any goal from between 18 to 25 yards from goal could well have come from the corner of the area.

Of the 31 goals scored from outside the area, 22 come from within 25 yards of goal.

16.3% of all goals scored in a World Cup Final are scored from outside the area. In a surprising show of restraint from the multiverse, it’s just 31 out of our 234 goals, with 22 of these coming from this flattened 25-yard arc around the penalty area.

Strangely enough, 13 out of these 22 are free-kicks, which seem a little over-represented. As mentioned before, Nina Nonaaia’s 37th minute free-kick for Crystilakere against Audioslavia in World Cup 19 is not included, but its two clones are, as are Raphaëlle du Valdor’s thunderbolt for Bettia against Ariddia in World Cup 35, a game-winning John Schiermeier curler in World Cup 46 and Sarafina Ikpeazu’s icing on the cake for Banija against Valanora in cycle 94.

We’re 25 yards out now, and there are only nine more goals on the list.

Just five of 234 goals from this area, between 26 and 39 yards from goal

Only five goals have been scored from between 26 and 39 yards, among them Juan Tzimisces - alone this time - scoring the only goal for The Holy Empire in World Cup 69. The distance from goal isn’t actually mentioned, it just feels like a thirty-yarder. Possibly just because it’s Juan Tzimisces.

The chaps noted that they realised that winning World Cups was old hat for Mr Tzimisces by now, but nonetheless they hoped he took some pride in his trademark 56th-minute thunderbolt that had not only won the match, but was in fact Mr Tzimisces' first ever undisputed World Cup final goal; his previous goal subject to some dispute over the scorer, and jointly attributed to Mr Tzimisces and Ug-Ug. The chaps gave their managers three huzzahs of thanks each.
:- The Holy Empire. 2014-09-21

At the other end of the thunderbolt spectrum is Riksa Valjariia’s deflected consolation goal for Vilita against Free Republics the previous cycle.

…when Riksa Valjariia's somewhat optimistic drive from 30 yards out took the slightest deflection before navigating perfectly into the top corner of the net leaving the Free Republics players in a state of shock as they watched their own World Cup dreams dissolve before them. Even Valjariia seemed a little surprised when the ball ended up in the back of the net, the Jungle Strike FC midfielder simply standing in place with his arms raised in celebration as his teammates erupted around him and congregated in excitement.
Vilita. 2014-06-01

.

After the 26-39 group, there are just four goals left to count.

Three goals were scored inside the opposition half, but outwith the 40-yard arc.

You know which goals are here. They’re our three god-mods. Tuade Lue’s chloroform moonshot was written by its author, Kaze Progressa, as being from 45 yards out. Goran Yurán’s freak top-spin thunderbastard was taken just outside the centre circle, which gives it a distance of about 50 yards. Jingus Gonorrhea was supposedly sitting in the middle of the pitch when the ball hit him. We don’t know pitch measurements for the overwhelming majority of multiversal football pitches, so we’re going to assume a 115-yard long field, so the ball struck him around 57 yards from goal. For it to hit him and still maintain enough momentum to fly into the goal, the forces involved must have been unimaginable. You get the impression that if he wasn’t the sort of person to bear the name ‘Jingus’ before the goal, he certainly was afterwards.

And with that, we’ve accounted for 189 of the 190 goals for which we can estimate a distance. The 190th has Jingus beaten.

By about 20 further yards.

From downtown!

Welcome to Ellis Island
Mitchell Ellis
World Cup 33 Final - 90+3rd Minute
Bettia [3]-2 Ac-cz
Written by Bettia

As the clock ticked into injury time and the stadium began to ring with the whistles from the Bettia supporters, all urging the referee to blow the final whistle. A premature cheer went up as his whistle did indeed sound out two minutes into injury time - unfortunately it was simply to award a free-kick some twenty yards into the Bettian half for offside. Desperate to see the clock wind down even further, Mitchell Ellis simply hoofed the ball into the home half as far as he could, then looked on as Gn-Lg yelled at his defenders to leave the ball, which they duly did. However, he had horribly misjudged the flight of the ball and could only watch on in despair as it bounced high over his head and trickled into the goal to make the game safe.
:- Bettia. 2007-03-19

It's certainly not the first long-distance goal scored by an inspirational captain, but we think it's the only World Cup Final goal scored by a goalkeeper. If we get round to checking positions of the players involved in goals, we can confirm that another time.

Coming up:
1. John Cabañas of the 135
2. All Aboard The Blooterbus
3. The Unholy Trinity
4. A Striking Distance
5. Minute Detail
6. Ariddia versus Bettia
7. The Imperfect Hat-trick
8. The First Grand Slam
9. Let Go, Take Flight
10. M*** F****! I can walk!

by **The Idiot Project** » Mon Apr 06, 2026 8:19 am

5: Minute Detail

So for every goal on record, we’ve tried to note down the minute in which it happened. Sometimes this is as easy as letting the RP tell us. Sometimes we have to figure it out from the breadcrumbs we’re given. If we can’t get it down to the exact minute, then we write in ‘1st Half’, ‘2nd Half’ or ‘Extra Time’.

You might be entirely unsurprised to learn that, in World Cup finals, more goals are scored in the second half than in the first.

Scoring in the first half is for nerds.

Is this wildly different from a regular game? I don’t know. I only have the goal time data from World Cup finals and I’m not about to go get another sample. Based on my gut instinct, which is exactly where I get all my best data journalism ideas from, I’d say late goals happen, on average, slightly more often than usual. More accurately, 56 goals have happened in the sexy hollywood zone of ‘between the 75th minute and the end of normal time’. Just 27 have happened in the equivalent period at the end of the first half.

It may come as little surprise that winning goals - those putting the eventual winners ahead by one goal, and that also happens to be the last goal of the game - tend to happen in the 80th minute on average.

Perhaps my favourite statistic here doesn’t concern the minute in which the goal happened, but instead the final digit of that minute. In this next graph, we have the 10 possible final digits. For example, every goal scored in the 13th, 23rd, 43rd or 103rd minute are counted together.

Six seven! Haha look everyone it’s six seven! That’s six seven! Lol!

Goals happen in the X6th or X7th minute 150% more often than they do in the X5th or X8th. Why? God knows. Maybe the random number gods love brain-rot? Maybe they just love 7? It would not only explain why Drawkland are so successful in baseball, but the reason why the 77th minute is the most common goalscoring time for a World Cup final. 7 such goals have been scored. These are, in chronological order, Suarez for Brazillico in World Cup 6, Méla Sëhelin’s late opener for Spaam in World Cup 7, Josephine Lemspoobagganaggatoratorreador’s winner for Lemmitania in World Cup 10, Thomas Lunson’s equaliser for Liventia against Sarzonia in World Cup 24, Ie O for Ariddia’s fourth goal against Milchama in World Cup 34 and Roger Zensan’s go-ahead goal for Valanora against Bazalonia in World Cup 40. Six in just forty cycles, only 36 of which we actually have access to, meaning that, for a while, one in every six World Cups contained a 77th minute strike. Even more peculiarly, we then proceeded to never see one again until World Cup 97 and Hamida Van’s 77th-minute goal for Squornshelous against Valanora.

For a second, I thought the longest-named and shortest-named World Cup Final goalscorers had netted in the same minute, with 39 characters for the Lemmitanian Josephine Lemspoobagganaggatoratorreador and just 3 for Ariddia’s Ie O. I had, however, forgotten about a famous Rejistanian who went by the name “Sa”. Everyone called him “Sa”. If you decide to list him under that name, then with 2 characters, he has the shortest name ever recorded for a World Cup Final goalscorer. If you instead prefer to keep to his full name, then with 40 characters, Salakerijasamenatira Harakemindanutikejil is the longest-named goalscorer in World Cup final history.

With 7 goals, the 77th minute is the most popular goalscoring minute. The least popular? With exactly zero goals in 100 cycles? The 78th. Five goals happen in the 76th minute, the joint third highest. Zero goals happen in the 75th minute. 75 and 78 are the two highest numbers for which we have no goals. Before that, the next highest number with no goals is the 65th minute. Before that, the next highest number with no goals is the 55th minute. We all apparently have an understanding that goals in the X5th minute are *only* for first half strikes. Except. Er. The second most popular minute to score in, with 6 goals in 100 cycles, is the 85th.

I don’t understand people. If I did, I wouldn’t be analysing goalscoring minutes for NS World Cup finals.

Coming up:
1. John Cabañas of the 135
2. All Aboard The Blooterbus
3. The Unholy Trinity
4. A Striking Distance
5. Minute Detail
6. Ariddia versus Bettia
67. The Imperfect Hat-trick
8. The First Grand Slam
9. Let Go, Take Flight
10. M*** F****! I can walk!

by **The Idiot Project** » Tue Apr 07, 2026 3:49 am

6: Ariddia versus Bettia
Originally written in April and July 2021, and with the opening three minutes already recorded to video (and lost with a laptop crash last year), the following chapter has finally made it off of the cutting-room floor, with some wee edits for continuity. All images were created years ago.

(Click for full image) Ariddia line up to perform the Ulek

The Ulek is a traditional war dance designed to invoke fear in their opponents. It works. In the opening moments of World Cup 35’s final, Ariddia’s Said bin Said Ismail wins a free-kick on the edge of the area which Raphaëlle du Valdor blasts past the wall and into the corner. Ariddia one, Bettia nil.

(Click for full image)
“Oh wow has Audio diagrammed out lots of World Cup final goals?”
No. Just this one. Which I did five years ago, back when Ariddia versus Bettia made for the first chapter of the very first draft of TIP6.

At the apex of the jolt era, these two teams dominated. Between them, Bettia and Arridia made a combined total of six appearances in the World Cup final in the mid thirties. The World Cup 35 final is the only of those appearances where one played the other. In retrospect, it’s a match to decide which of the two was the most dominant footballing nation of the era.

You may have noticed from the red and black colours and the choice of national anthem, The International, that Ariddia were somewhat left wing. They would prove as much and they would do so later in the first half, allowing Bettia’s Peri Busilanta to arrive unmarked into the Ariddian box to finish for 1-1.

I also made these two images five years ago.

A pulsating game would be decided in the second half, with Frank Myfanwy reacting quickest to a quickly taken Ariddian corner and glancing the ball home for 2-1. Bettia would win the battle, a second trophy, and a powerful argument for being considered *the* team of the era.

(Click for full image) Bettia and Ariddia's golden eras appear near the top of the Sossimo Lisson chart

World Cup 35 forms part of both sides’ golden eras according to the Sosimo Lissón metric. Bettia’s ends here, with the side humbled 3-0 by Zwangzug in the second round of World Cup 36. Ariddia, on the other hand, would reach the final for the third time in succession, defeating similarly communist Errinundera for a third World Cup trophy in five cycles. In terms of mundials, it’s the Ariddians with the larger trophy cabinet, though Bettia may point to their Baptism of Fire and AOCAF Cup in response. They might also direct Ariddian eyes to the Unofficial World Championship - won by the Bettians six times between cycles 26 and 41, with Ariddia having only won the belt for one solitary game.
Their peak came during one of many times where the UWC had made its home in Atlantian Oceania.

Since we last looked at the Unofficial World Championship, a lot has happened. Al-Qurija returned the prestigious Lineal title to World Cup football, where it stayed for just one cycle before Mriin dragged it back into semi-retirement, while Free Republics took the Interim championship into self-imposed exile. A second interim title has been created, four more World Cups have gone into the books. Also, a quick hello from 2026 where, five years on, the above situation has changed entirely. It’s been fourteen cycles, not four. Mriin and Free Republics recirculated their belts, and we lost one more to unlikely World Cup winners Brookstation.

Reflecting back on the Unofficial World Championship, there’s one thing that doesn’t feel right. We treat the title like it has always existed - as if each team knew that particular match held more significance than it would have ordinarily. Rules and regulations are backdated to the time they would have been relevant. Take the Turoki Amendment as an example. It was decreed that neither Vilita nor Turori would be allowed to defend their title as the united Vilita & Turori team that represents the islands in the AOCAF Cup. The rule dates back to October 2007 because that’s when such a question would have been discussed. Upon winning the AOCAF Cup from Pacitalia, the Eel Cat Things took from them the Lineal championship until their next eligible game which, due to the regional championships going on a three-cycle hiatus, matchday one of the next AOCAF Cup before the qualifiers for World Cup 37. If we’re backdating the decision-making process, we have to put ourselves in the shoes of a hypothetical UWC Committee from the time. Can we realistically expect them to have sat back and allowed a side to keep the title for three whole cycles, without playing a single game of football?

The same thing happens with three cycles passing between Pacitalia’s sixth and seventh defence of the same belt. Would the Unofficial World Championship Committee have stood for that? Would they not have created a new, interim championship to fill the void?

Let’s be straight. The answer is no, they wouldn’t have. Even back in the late aughts, The Blue Foxes and The Eel Cats had a strong tradition of only entering the AOCAF Cup. The UWC Committee would have been confident of the return of the tournament, and with it the lineal championship. But seeing as we’ve opened the door for unofficial Unofficial World Championship belts, why don’t we take a second to track a couple of… a… semi-official unofficial Unofficial World Championship. If we do that, it turns out we can give Ariddia their dues after all.

Champions Ariddia would go undefeated throughout the entirety of the 35th cycle only to come unstuck in the final against Bettia, who would begin and end the qualifiers for World Cup 36 as title holders, before the belt winds its way back to Ariddia in time for the World Cup 36 final. Az-cz would end cycles 37 and 38 with the title, before combining it with the lineal title in the very first match of cycle 38.

We’ll get to this second Semi-Official Unofficial Unofficial World Championship lineage later. I think it’s important to put this nineteen-match run with this belt into context. First of all, nineteen in a row would be enough to fit comfortably in with Eura and Equestria in the list of Top Ten, All Time runs with the belt.

Okay I, now in 2026 again, need to awkwardly segue this pasted text from 2021 into talking about hat-tricks in the next chapter. I’m going to just do this in a really primitive way, by just declaring what I’m doing and bringing this chapter to an abrupt end.

Coming up:
1. John Cabañas of the 135
2. All Aboard The Blooterbus
3. The Unholy Trinity
4. A Striking Distance
5. Minute Detail
6. Ariddia versus Bettia
7. The Imperfect Hat-trick
8. The First Grand Slam
9. Let Go, Take Flight
10. M*** F****! I can walk!

by **The Idiot Project** » Tue Apr 07, 2026 3:53 am

7: The Imperfect Hat-trick

If a pitcher gets three batters out in a row, nobody notices. If a bowler gets three batsmen out in a row, everyone loses their minds. Or, to be more exact, one time a bowler did that, everyone got some money together, put it in a hat, and gave it to the bowler. The phrase ‘hat-trick’ was thus coined, and used for collections of three in all sorts of sports. It rather makes you wonder how the language would be different if, instead of in a hat, the bowler’s money had been collected with a shovel or in a bucket or on a brick or by a cat. Shovel-trick. Bucket-trick. Brick-trick. Cat-trick. What if they’d delivered that money on some moustachioed guy? In inventing the Hat-trick instead of the Mister-trick, the punters at that cricket game missed a trick.

In association football, a hat-trick is when a player scores three goals in one game. These days instead of a hat-full of money, the only thing you get to keep is the matchball. It makes sense: A hat-trick is something you’d want a souvenir of. Something to serve as a reminder of the time you bagged three whole goals in one game. A happy memory except in the most outrageous circumstances.

Step forward Sani Luvo.

“You can’t just paste things in that you made in 2021, Audio”
Oh okay how about things I made in 2014.

In the final of World Cup 18, Luvo scored two equalisers and one go-ahead goal in Kaze Progressa’s ultimately doomed attempt to wrestle the World Cup trophy from the grasp of Rejistania. Rejistania were the defending champions and one of the greatest teams ever to play the game. Kaze Progressa had gone into cycle 18 ranked 27th in the world, yet found themselves 3-2 up against the defensive specialists with twenty minutes to go. A brace from Rejistanian talisman Jenji Y snatched a 4-3 win for the orange-blues in a famous final.

Football’s hat-trick isn’t quite as special as cricket’s version, which requires the bowler to get three batsmen out in three consecutive balls. There is no ‘...in just three shots on target’ requirement to football’s hat-trick. There does, however, exist a hard-mode version of the feat in football folklore: The Perfect Hat-trick. Score a goal with your right foot, score a goal with your left foot, score a goal with your head. In any order.

It’s a spectacular enough feat of Sani Luvo’s to score a hat-trick and lose a classic World Cup final 4-3. Imagine scoring a Perfect Hat-trick and losing one 5-4.

The 40s were a time of domination by four sporting superpowers. Nine of the ten World Cups were won by Valanora (3 wins, 4 finals), Starblaydia (3 wins, 3 finals), Candelaria And Marquez (2 wins, 3 finals) and The Holy Empire (1 win, 3 finals). World Cup 46, the last of the Jolt Era, is the only one not to feature at least one of these teams. It was arguably the best final of all of them.

Both Dancougar and The Han Empire had debuted in the late 30s, and both teams qualified for each and every one of the World Cups in the 40s, each making occasional forays into the deeper reaches of the knockouts before meeting in the final of World Cup 46. It would be each team’s first and only appearance in the World Cup final.

Already at two-two after forty-five minutes, The Han Empire took the lead when Jihun Jeong slalomed his way into the penalty area and finished past Artur Komarov to take a three-two lead into half-time. It is, as far as I know, the only World Cup final goal to happen in injury time in the first half.

A minute into injury time, though, Jihun created a difference with a powerful twisting run that saw him turn both Montego and Tomo Asanuma. They watched helplessly as Jihun burned Komarov a second time to make it 3-2.
Dancougar: 06-06-2009

Added to his fifteenth-minute header, this Jihun Jeong finish is presumably a shot with his dominant foot. His hat-trick goal, early in the second period, looks to me like it was hit with his non-dominant foot.

it only took six minutes for Jihun to pick them apart again and complete the hat trick. Starting in the corner, Jihun passed back to Pak Yongho and took off along the goal line. Yongho took a touch and fed it back. Jihun stepped in front of Asanuma to receive the ball, catching the defender flat-footed, carried it a few yards further into the box, then turned for a shot. Komarov was once again left helpless with a shot coming from close range, and a match that had looked even was now 4-2 to the Han.
Dancougar: 06-06-2009

Jihun worked his way up the goal-line, played a one-two and - and this is crucial - “turned for a shot”. If he’d been making his way towards goal, on the goal-line, and got ready to hit the ball with his dominant foot, he wouldn’t have appeared to ‘turn’ at all. It’s only when using your weaker peg that you might need to contort your body in such a way that would make a writer use such a word. To me, this is a weaker-foot shot to add to the dominant-foot second goal and the opening header. Is it a clear Perfect Hat-trick? Perhaps not, but neither of the game’s participants are around to tell me I’m wrong so, hey, I’m going to keep it. That’s how good data-driven journalism works.

Either way, The Han Empire’s lead would last only twenty minutes. Goals from Hiromasa Nagasawa and Stefan Rosberg would bring the Dancougarites level at 4-4, with rookie John Schiermeier netting the winner by way of an eighty-fifth minute free-kick.

Of the five World Cup final hat-tricks, two were scored by players on the losing side. A further two were scored as part of lop-sided wins, including Brian Wilson, the World Cup Final’s second hat-trick scorer, bagging three out of Sarzonia’s four World Cup 24 final goals to overcome an Oaker side so poor that people wondered how they’d gotten to the final in the first place.

Sarzonia’s victory was the third stage of the first Grand Slam in World Football.

Coming up:
1. John Cabañas of the 135
2. All Aboard The Blooterbus
3. The Unholy Trinity
4. A Striking Distance
5. Minute Detail
6. Ariddia versus Bettia
7. The Imperfect Hat-trick
8. The First Grand Slam
9. Let Go, Take Flight
10. M*** F****! I can walk!

by **The Idiot Project** » Tue Apr 07, 2026 3:56 am

8: The First Grand Slam
Originally written in June 2022, the following chapter has finally made it off of the cutting-room floor, with some wee edits for continuity. Some of the information was used in The Aesthetic in previous RPs here and there.

In Episode One of The Idiot Project, we began to track World Cup Scorigamis, a phenomenon that, at the time, hadn’t happened for years. Midway through that first episode, one happened. Banija stuffed Casta Marina 9-4, a score that had never before been seen in World Cup Qualifying. In Episode Four, we began to track the Unofficial Championship of the World, a lineal belt that had disappeared years before. Shortly after that episode, Al Qurija returned with it.
Episode 3 mentioned Delaclava, Pacitalia and Canderlaria & Marquez, all of whom made returns in some form or other over the next couple of years. Episode 5 tracked the losing habits of Eastfield Lodge, who shortly thereafter began the losingest period of their existence and immediately followed that with the winningest period in their existence. And Episode 2 tracked the most ridiculous nations in the history of the World Cup, shortly before a nation named Space Laser Dinosaur Robot Pirate Land made their debut.

In short, The Idiot Project has a habit of manifesting its subject matter, so let’s use that to our advantage. Let me introduce you to one stat:

In the history of World Cup Qualifying, no team has ever gone through an entire qualifying campaign without conceding a goal. Seven teams have gotten close.

Valladares took advantage of World Cup 54’s eight-game format, conceding only once, albeit in a losing effort to Khytenna, finishing behind them in second. Andossa se Mitrin Vega also attained a Goal Differential of 16 and 1, albeit over twelve games in qualifying for World Cup 59, while Taeshan are remarkable for conceding only once while somehow *failing to qualify* for the World Cup, victims of a strict format and a freer scoring Legalese, who pipped them on Goal Difference. Most recently, South Covello attained a 10-2-0 record, conceding only once, in qualifying for World Cup 83.

The first three teams to go through qualifying while conceding only one goal did so in cycles 22, 23 and 24. Their names are Sarzonia, Sarzonia and Sarzonia.

The players of Sarzonia’s *Stars* had already put a medal of note around their necks by the time they signed up to the third Baptism of Fire tournament, fighting their way to a bronze in the inaugural AOCAF Cup, held before the World Cup 15 finals, helped there by captain Bobby Convey and striker Brian Wilson, the scorer of the third goal in two group stage matches and a third-placed playoff against Krytenia. Both would feature in the Baptism of Fire final before cycle 16, with Wilson scoring the opener of a three-nothing win at the Tivali Stadium in Vilita.

The navy blues would continue to impress in the World Cup, finishing third in Group 9 on their debut, doing the same a cycle later only to lose a playoff, and coming agonizingly close again in cycle 18, pipped at the last by a veteran Commerce Heights team in what looks in hindsight to be a veritable Group of Death. Making the most of the opportunity, Sarzonia went to the Cup of Harmony and, at the Belmorian International Stadium in Alan City, defeated Legalese by two goals to one to take their second trophy in three cycles. For those that care, the Unofficial World Championship was taken for a brief run between cycles 22 and 23, taking the title from Bedistan in qualifying and giving it back to them in the next AOCAF Cup

In the middle of their run of three goals conceded in three qualifying campaigns, Sarzonia won World Cup 23. Brian Wilson, the player who scored the winning goal in their first ever game, netted a hat-trick. The second of just five in World Cup history. With victory in the twelfth AOCAF Cup final, managed by Brian’s younger brother Kevin, Sarzonia had won every major trophy they were eligible for. With time, their feat would become known as a Grand Slam.

There’s been some contention over what is and what isn’t a Grand Slam. Should you count a Baptism of Fire as part of the Grand Slam? A trophy that is now, thanks to the recent closing of a loophole, impossible to win beyond your debut cycle? Should you count any of the varied regional tournaments? Maybe. Maybe not. For one, the vast majority of teams were ineligible to participate in them for the majority of NS Sport history, and do you even want to open the box marked ‘level of quality’? Because the Cup of Harmony is in that very same box.

Here’s my thinking. It’s not for this series to prescribe what’s what. A Grand Slam is a Grand Slam. It represents the full gamut of experiences in senior international football in the multiverse.
The Baptism of Fire, while optional, is a proving ground for new nations and new ideas.
Regional tournaments may be the lunatic fringe of international football, but it’s in our culture to place, say, an Esportivan championship in as high a regard as a Rushmori or Atlantian Oceanian one from the same cycle. The Cup of Harmony is a tournament you meet twice, once on the way up, once on the way down, and that is a journey every international football team must take.
And the World Cup is the World Cup.

Winning a Grand Slam feels like it should be something of a lifetime achievement award for a major international football team, yet in practice this doesn’t quite ring true. Sarzonia, the first and for so long only holder of a Grand Slam, accomplished so much in such little time, with the same core of players, that it's difficult to see the accolade as anything more of a bauble earned by just one and a half generations of Sarzonian players. In the many years of subsequent Sarzonian football, the nation added just one more regional championship to their trophy cabinet. It doesn’t take away from the exploits of this first Sarzonian team, but it does quite alter the meaning we’ve just given to a Grand Slam. And it’s not like the second winner of the Grand Slam went about their business any slower. Debuting by winning the Baptism of Fire in Cycle 64, Nephara had won three Campeonato Esportivas by the time of their Cup of Harmony win in cycle 69, and would go on to add World Cup 74 to their list of accolades, thus ‘completing’ international football in only ten cycles.

There’s only a couple of cycles in it - Sarzonia completed the Grand Slam in 8 cycles, Nephara in 10 - but the wibbly-wobbly nature of Time means that, while Nephara’s feat took exactly three years - from their BoF in March 2013 to their World Cup in 2016 - it took Sarzonia just one calendar year to run all of their eight cycles. July 2004 to July 2005.

In many sports, a Grand Slam means four. In baseball, it’s a home run with the bases loaded for four points. In sports like tennis and past-times like golf it means winning all four major championships. Three is a hat-trick. Four is a grand-slam.

As such, you could argue that Migelo Luiso is our only World Cup Final Grand Slammer.

Coming up:
1. John Cabañas of the 135
2. All Aboard The Blooterbus
3. The Unholy Trinity
4. A Striking Distance
5. Minute Detail
6. Ariddia versus Bettia
7. The Imperfect Hat-trick
8. The First Grand Slam
9. Let Go, Take Flight
10. M*** F****! I can walk!

by **The Idiot Project** » Tue Apr 07, 2026 4:03 am

9: Let Go, Take Flight
recommended soundtrack to accompany this text

In the final of World Cup 4, Brian Leetch scored a brace to win the title for Dennisov. Nobody else had ever scored two goals in a World Cup final, at least that we know of. These two goals put the striker alone at the top of the World Cup Final scoring chart for fourteen cycles before Sani Luvo’s futile hat-trick relegated him to second place. A handful of players would eventually join Luvo on three World Cup Final goals. Alongside fellow hat-trick heroes Brian Wilson and Jeong Jihun, two players managed to score their three goals over the course of two World Cup finals. Kiso Night scored in the World Cup 42 final to add to his brace in WC40. Karsten Eiger would score two goals in World Cup 63’s final and a notch again in World Cup 64.

Three goals is not the record, though. Not for WC final goals over the course of a career. And not even for goals scored in one single World Cup final.

Milchama had already suffered a heavy loss in a World Cup final, having been cast aside 4-1 by Ariddia in the WC34 final, and so when Migelo Luiso netted to put Capitaliszt Slani three-nothing up after just thirty-seven minutes of the WC39 final, the Milchamians at least recognised the writing on the wall. Luiso had started writing on the wall himself after just ten minutes, firing in the go-ahead goal, and was already well into his impassioned screed on thirteen minutes later when he’d added a second. That thirty-seventh minute strike made his WC final hat-trick the fastest in history at just twenty seven minutes from first goal to last.

Player     Minutes to complete hat-trick (goal times)
Migelo Luiso 27 (10, 13, 37)
Jeong Jihun  36 (15, 45+1, 51)
Sani Luvo    49 (14, 34, 63)
Brian Wilson 54 (4, 21, 58)

Karsten Piestert put the tie beyond doubt on sixty minutes with a goal to make it four-nothing, before Luiso popped up in injury time to add the cherry to the cake, becoming the first ever player - and to date, only player - to score four goals in a World Cup final.

And of course, with four goals, you could argue that he both tops and tails the above chart.

Player     Minutes to complete hat-trick (goal times)
Migelo Luiso 27 (10, 13, 37)
Jeong Jihun  36 (15, 45+1, 51)
Sani Luvo    49 (14, 34, 63)
Brian Wilson 54 (4, 21, 58)
Migelo Luiso 80 (13, 57, 90+3)

As of World Cup 100, only one other player has managed to hit exactly four WC final goals total. Banijan striker Abel Wesoloski-Okafor hit braces in the WC93 and WC94 finals to go joint second with Luiso on the all-time chart.

So Luiso and Wesoloski-Okafor are joint second, who’s first?

You know who. Six feet, five inches of nominative determinism. The perpetual motion machine. Dance With The Dead’s remix of Neo Tokyo. Laborious Hawk.

Okay let me try to describe to you the problem that lies in front of me once again.

When you try to help someone understand the sheer size of the Milky Way by writing to them about it in English, you rather step all over the idea you’re trying to convey. You’re trying to convey the majesty of one hundred thousand light years and four hundred thousand billion stars, but you’re doing so through employing the same grunts and squeaks you use when asking where the toilet is. Language is not the ideal medium. Music and video, that would help, but I still feel I’d rather limbo dance under a combine harvester than make a video, so I’ll persist with language.

Anyway. Every couple of years I sit here and I throw some stats together about something related to Vanorian football, and the numbers go so profoundly ↗ that I have something of a crisis when I try to sit and communicate the sheer fucking ↗ of the numbers.

Here’s the Laborious Hawk number. I will try to do justice to how indescribably ↗ it is.

We’ve already established that, across the 23-year, 234-goal history of the Nationstates World Cup Final, only five goals have been scored from a distance of 25 to 39 yards out. Only nine goals in total have been scored from further out than 25 yards of the goal, period. And three of them are god-mods.

So get this. Of all Laborious Hawk’s six WC final goals. The average distance from goal from which each shot was taken…

Is 26 yards.

With it just being twenty five yards out, Laborious decided he was going to have a crack on goal. With his powerful deliverry, he watched the ball curl around the wall and into the near corner, with Kanga not being able to react in time.
Valanora (2008-05-08)

It was not seven goals scored by him as legends and rumors would have, though a hat trick and an assist in the four other goals gave credence that he did indeed have a hand in every goal. A pair of his trademark thirty yard bomb set pieces in the first half gave the Marauders the halftime lead they desired.
Valanora (2012-09-21)

Ten minutes passed before there was another set piece, this time from just twenty two yards out that he atypical went with placement over power and gathered his hattrick.
Valanora (2012-09-21)

"Another round?" The waitress asked them. Said yes. They were drinking a local beer- why not?

The Banijans, in this half, were mostly sitting back. It was clear Pam Scott was happy being 2-0 up while being up a man- the odds were heavily stacked against Valanora at this point. "Man, I can't believe we're about to win this thing. Another World Cup! Pam Scott- the woman, the myth, the legend, the GOAT."

"Well, don't count your chickens before they hatch." Said another friend. "You know how these games go. One moment and..."

"Don't be nervous!" Lotobo said. "You know that we-" And then, he stopped. The moment everybody was worried about. A ball, popped straight up to the chest of Laborious Hawk. Hawk then controlled it, turned, and hit it with his left foot straight out of the air- nearly 30 yards from goal.

"You have GOT to be absolutely-" What Lotobo's friend was going to say, was never heard, as the bar exploded into delirium. It was a wonder goal. The Valanora commentator was screaming how this was potentially the goal of the tournament, and honestly, who could disagree. A half-volley in a World Cup Final to bring your team back to life? What was looking like a march for Banija was suddenly a game again- and everybody in the bar was energized. Laborious Hawk was playing like a madman- the passion was clear for everyone to see. He seemed as if he was two players at once, evening the numbers- everywhere and anywhere, and of course he would get this goal.

As Lothas Ludwig was digging the ball out of the net, they were imploring their fans to get louder, get more energized. Was a comeback starting for the 5 time world champions? Could they ever say die?

Banijan television commentators, 71st minute

Color Commmentator: Wow, oh wow! The drama of this World Cup Final. Banija seemed to be looking dead set at getting this trophy- our third ever World Cup title- but probably the nation that defines the very concept of winning in this tournament, Valanora, is back in it, and with a vengeance. Laborious Hawk's volley has put Valanora only down 1, and even while playing with only 10 players, they seem to be in pretty damn good shape.
Banija (2023-09-07)

Barely more than five minutes later, they would pick the defense apart once again, this time with Haaland laying the ball off to Hawk for an untouchable finish from the edge of the box. Two goals up inside of fifteen minutes, and with McGill struggling to get touches to that point, all seemed to be going to plan for the Marauders.
Squornshelous (2024-09-24)

Orange: Salakerijasamenatira Harakemindanutikejil’s 25-yard free-kick opened the scoring in the WC18 final. It ranks tenth in terms of the longest-range goals in World Cup history.
Marauder blue: The average distance from goal of a Laborious Hawk WC final goal

Hawk’s six goals are a record. He’s been conspicuous by his absence up to now because we wanted to give him his own Untitled Hawk Episode rather than spending a few lines in each section talking about him. He has a World Cup Final hat-trick to his name, netting three goals (and four assists) in Valanora’s 7-1 home win against The Sylvanaes Queendom in the final of World Cup 61. That he’s scored in four different World Cup finals - cycles 40, 61, 94 and 97 - is also a record, as is the fact that he’s scored in two different RL decades. As is the fact that he’s scored in three different RL decades. And we can’t even be sure he isn’t at the top of this table, which we present to you for the third and final time:

Player     Minutes to complete hat-trick (goal times)
Laborious Hawk ?? (First Half, First Half, 61)
Migelo Luiso   27 (10, 13, 37)
Jeong Jihun    36 (15, 45+1, 51)
Sani Luvo      49 (14, 34, 63)
Brian Wilson   54 (4, 21, 58)
Migelo Luiso   80 (13, 57, 90+3)

If it turns out the first of those free-kicks came on or before the 34th minute, then he also has the quickest hat-trick in WC final history.

If it weren’t for the fact that only six of Valanora’s nine World Cup final appearances were actually RP’d, some of these figures might have been even higher. Neither Valanora’s 5-1 win over Demot nor their 4-0 win over Sorthern Northland made it into print. Nor did a match that would otherwise be labelled one of the World Cup’s classic finals - Starblaydia 2-1 Valanora in the first cycle of the modern era.

Ten Vanorian goals go unaccounted for. It’s not unlikely that Laborious Hawk not only doubles the combined goal total of the second and third most prolific World Cup goalscorers, but that the combined distance of his shots covers more than the length of two football pitches. The six goals we have on record already stretch to around the length of one and a half football pitches.

The six Laborious Hawk goals in record are from a combined distance of 155 yards, well over the length of a full football pitch

Coming up:
1. John Cabañas of the 135
2. All Aboard The Blooterbus
3. The Unholy Trinity
4. A Striking Distance
5. Minute Detail
6. Ariddia versus Bettia
7. The Imperfect Hat-trick
8. The First Grand Slam
9. Let Go, Take Flight
10. M*** F****! I can walk!

by **The Idiot Project** » Tue Apr 07, 2026 3:26 pm

10: M*** F******! I can walk!

I'd gone into this series fully expecting to have the time and wherewithal to diagram out some of my favourite World Cup Final goals. That turned out not to be the case. If you're curious what the greatest goal in history is when it comes to the biggest game in football, my personal answer is Ezio Grassi and his Zidane-meets-Van-Damme game-winning volley in the final of World Cup 70, which turns out to be my favourite in both imagery and writing quality.

In terms of final RPs, my favourite might be Eura’s maiden win in World Cup 66. Aside from being one of the few RPs of that tournament that didn’t come with the responsibility of my having to grade it, it’s one of the most detailed match reports you’ll ever see, with exhaustive descriptions of each goal and even player ratings for all twenty two starters, plus six substitutes. Having been so disappointed to have lost the final of World Cup 60, Euran pride in a goal finally achieved is on full display.

Eura’s second World Cup Final win, a few cycles later against Pasarga, went entirely undocumented, at least in the World Cup thread. It was mentioned in the following Copa Rushmori, and thus flew under the radar for most.

Similarly, Sorthern Northland gave us a thousand words for winning the 55th World Cup and none for winning the 56th. While Nephara’s two World Cups came with victory roleplays, Brenecia’s shock World Cup 80 win apparently deserved none. If you search really hard, you can find a list of the players and goalscorers elsewhere, but nothing else. I refused to add any information from this tardy RP to the database as a point of principle: Any information about a World Cup final not included in the RP thread of that tournament may as well not exist.

Maybe winning multiple World Cups is just exhausting.

The World Cup 47 final is notable in that it’s the one and only occasion where two of our five-time World Champions played one another. Starblaydia versus Valanora. You’d expect it to have been featured at least once in The Idiot Project, but it hasn’t. The match was never RP’d. After roleplaying the semi-final of World Cup 47, Starblaydia would RP only once in the next two cycles. The team’s next World Cup roleplay came midway through World Cup 49. The one after that in WC50. In all, Starblaydia’s five wins produced only four roleplays. Valanora only roleplayed three of their five World Cup wins, while Vilita/Turori’s six world championships only produced two post-final roleplays from the winner. It’s a shame when you consider just how many teams would crawl through broken glass just to feature in a final, but then maybe that’s the point. It’s such a huge achievement, how on earth do you do justice to the struggle you’ve just had? How to properly affix the bow to this rarest of gifts: in a forest of unfinished stories and narrative arcs cut short by Margaret’s cruel machete, an actual finished product

If you post an RP about the World Cup final, does it even add anything to your, or anybody’s, World Cup experience?

There’s a classic 60s movie named Doctor Strangelove (Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love The Bomb) which was supposed to feature a food fight between the fictional world’s various leaders as its finale. Though filmed, this ending never made it to the final cut of the movie. Critics generally agree that its omission from the final product is a good thing. Slapstick at the end of an otherwise darkly comic movie would have taken from it, not added to it. Doctor Strangelove is a better film for its final line being Mein Fuhrer, I can walk!. By the same token, perhaps Goran Yurán’s fifty-yard thunderbastard detracts from Audioslavia’s accomplishment in winning the World Cup. Despite the goal being so ridiculous, most people won’t remember it. Neither the scorer nor the manner in which they scored. But they will remember the team who won.

Maybe that’s enough.

Though personally, if I win anything again, I’m birthing an even more ludicrous thunderbastard than the one bequeathed to Goran Yurán.

This is the end of this series. You can access the full database of World Cup Final goals here

The Idiot Project

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