Cup of Harmony 84 - Rosters/RPs/Results

[West Barack and East Obama]

NATASHA OBASHA: SPECIAL REPORTER

11th November

"Hang on, hang on. Delaclava? I'm not going there." I protested. "I want to get as far away from here as possible. I was thinking somewhere like the Terjunian Isles, not another place in Sonnel! It won't be long before we BOTH get captured."

"You're right to be suspicious about a guard that happened to be looking at exactly what we were looking for." Bar-Rack explained. "So I stole his wallet as well. His permanent resident is somewhere in Delaclava, and there's no way a foreigner would be hired for a top security job. He must had been snooping around as well. Possibly hired by the real poisoner!"

I thought about it. Well, we'd come this far anyway. "Fine, let's go to Delaclava. This better be good."

12th November

I sat in a dingy flat in Cleopatrana. I stared right at the filthy mirror right in front of me. What have I become? I was living the high life. Now I'm in this shit. Maybe I could console myself by going down to one of the infamous raves happening down there.

"Alright, I have good and bad news." Bar-Rack came back home after being out for a whole 14 hours.

"What? What happened?" I asked.

"Well, turns out that guy doesn't actually live at that address. I don't think anyone lives there really. I'm pretty sure it's a brothel." she said. I rubbed my temples, anticipating what good news could come out of this.

"The good news is that while waiting outside that brothel, I found this internet café, and someone in there helped me to decrypt the hard drisk drive, and look at what I found." she grinned. I rushed over and looked at her laptop screen over her shoulder. Wow, the security videos for the Pentagram are surprisingly grainy. You could barely see anything.

"Ah ha! Take a look at that!" Bar-Rack said. A blurry silhouette of a man dispensing particles into a batch of tacos could be seen. That was probably the experimental cholera additives.

"Well, this is useless. You can't tell who that is!" I cried. "Great, all of that was for nothing. God damn it!" I slumped dejectedly onto my chair again, knowing that I really screwed myself this time.

Bar-Rack kept rewinding and zooming into the footage. "Isn't it weird that this guy's dressed in all black, except for his yellow shoes?" she asked.

"Yellow shoes? Wait, let me take another look." I jumped up from my chair. "Yellow boots. The only people in the stadium wearing yellow boots would had been on the Obaman first team. Our culprit is just a blocks away at the Atlantis Casino Gardens!"

I quickly googled the match report for that match against Saint Eleanor. The only first teamers that weren't affected by the poisoning - Charles Obama and Wolfgang Obamadeus-Mozart.

[Atheara]

Part XIV out of XIV
Rewarded for her Duty, to then a Visit

In continuation of this post. This happened before the first matchday in the Cup of Harmony. Please keep that in mind.

As of right now, Cecilia Scharlund was currently sitting within her private cab, driven by her personal driver. There were a lot of perks to being the child of one of the several founding houses of Atheara. One of them being a high status in power the immediate you are born into the world. It was something she never really took advantage of, because to Cecilia, this power can be misused and she doesn't want to fall into that category of people. But it does have it's uses from time to time, such as right now as she drives to the Military Center of the Athearan Military Corps located within Astena. For the Athearan people, it's quite known as "The Headquarters". But for many within the higher rankings of the military, it was well known as The Matrix or by it's lesser known name, The Center. After a bit more twists and turns, along with finding the perfect parking spot as to not be noticed by anyone, Cecilia's driver had stopped the car. The Scharlund gave the order for her driver to wait as she exits the car, taking in the scenery and the building itself.

The Matrix itself was massive, entirely painted with grey on the outside with sometimes blaring stripes of white and black. Hundreds of windows, with likely more than a thousand rooms inside of it. It was the first time she ever visited this place, and was also the first time she was called by one of the more... Higher, or rather direct officers of the AMC to come here. Cecilia already had a guess on what this call was. She was wearing her typical attire when on the frontlines, but with a mix of a formal uniform as well. She just hopes no one recognizes her as she started walking towards the entrance of The Matrix. The Matrix was shaped in a large octagon, with a court, a garden, and a few more outside areas within the middle of it. As Cecilia approached the entrance, she remembers a few extra things that her messanger had told her. Once the entrance was reached, Cecilia was immediately blocked off by a security officer. His attire seems to tell the Scharlund that he was part of the Imperial Military Police.

IMP Unit - "State name, reason of visit, and given code."

Cecilia - "Cecilia Scharlund, a call from a direct officer, code 3410."

IMP Unit - "Scanning... Reading... Checking... Registry confirmed. Welcome Scharlund, head to the Kingpin in the Kingpin's Office."

Hearing the allowance of entry, Cecilia entered the building as the IMP Unit stepped aside. She was surprised by a few things, namely two. One, the IMP Unit seemed quite professional, almost robotic. But she could tell that it was a human, Cecilia is just surprised at the way he spoke. The IMP did have a reputation of being extremely strict and professional, so it seems that reputation does hold up. Second of all, it was the kingpin who called for her... The KINGPIN? OF THE AMC? Cecilia was kind of sweating bullets now. As far as she knows, the Kingpin of the AMC is quite the busy person. Busy for what reasons? No one really knows. But everyone is certain that it's for extremely important reasons. Seeing a rack of sorts which seems to contain flipbooks for the map of the building, Cecilia took one and memorized the route towards the Kingpin's Office. It seemed to be on the highest floor.

Cecilia decided to quickly head there. Deciding to take the stairs, considering that elevators are not allowed for non-recognized visitors of The Matrix, despite her being part of the military. Because she doesn't have recognition of The Center itself. As she walks up the stairs, the Scharlund was getting tired. How many floors did this damn building have?! Everything looks the same, she wonders how the people who work in this place live with the fact that they have to see the same bland walls, floor, and doors all the time. After a while, she got to the top floor which was the 7th floor. She took a quick break and when it was over, she headed towards the Kingpin's Office. She looked around as she walked there, people constantly moving as they dealt with their own tasks and jobs. It felt a bit depressing seeing all of them. But she finally reached the door to the Kingpin's Office.

Thinking of how to approach the situation, Cecilia decided that the best course of action was to knock. She gave a knock once, the gave a knock twice, and she gave a third knock just in case. And after that, the Scharlund waited, until the door was opened. Cecilia slowly opened the door to see a well furnished office. A few guns could be see hanging from one of the walls, a painting of the Kingpin himself was seen hanging on the opposite end. There were also two shelfs that also acted as boards. It contained a variety of things ranging from vehicle modules to books. And there Cecilia saw the woman. Yes, the Kingpin of the AMC is also a woman. Dahlia Hanzakic, the currently oldest and most experienced military general Atheara currently has, despite the fact that she never actually had any real time field experience. She was just the oldest and most military experienced general the AMC had. Hanzakic was sitting on the chair of her office, her table having a computer and a lot of other things like paperwork.

Dahlia - "Greetings Scharlund. Please, take a seat."

Cecilia takes the seat and sits down right in front of Dahlia.

Cecilia - "Thank you, Madam Hanzakic. It's an honour to meet you in person."

Cecilia said that as she offered her hand for a handshake, which Dahlia shakes and accepts. Once done, the two pull back.

Dahlia - "It's quite the honour to see the leader of Operation Archive, I have to say myself."

Cecilia - "The honour is ours, I shall say. Madam Hanzakic, is there a reason for your calling of me to be here?"

Cecilia thought about it. The reason for her being called here by the Kingpin was never told. As she was thinking of it, Dahlia pulled out a small box which she placed out on the table. Cecilia's sight traces the box, it seemed to carry something quite important. A reward for her efforts... Maybe so...

Dahlia - "Take it and open it, Scharlund. A reward that I personally requested to be forged for you."

Cecilia - "My goodness, thank you for this kindness, Madam Hanzakic."

Cecilia immediately but slowly took the small box and decided to open it up. Inside the box was an extremely special medal, gold coating. White, sky blue, and black detailed it as well. The symbol on the badge was a scythe with rings, an old symbol of House Scharlund that is rarely used today.

Dahlia - "I call it The Scharlund's Medal. Not very creative, but my old brain can't think extremely well to be fair."

Cecilia - "I see. But it is fine, this is enough. Thank you, once again."

Dahlia only had a smile on her face. Cecilia's antics reminded the Kingpin of herself when she was younger. Oh how long time has passed. Speaking of Cecilia, the Scharlund had something on her mind. Dahlia took quick notice of this and decided to ask the way younger officer about it.

Dahlia - "You seem to be slightly minded, Scharlund. Is there anything you need?"

Cecilia - "Well, yes, Madam Hanzakic. I have... Two requests, if you may."

Dalhlia leaned forward a bit, somewhat curious about it. From what she had observed before this meeting, Cecilia didn't often have a lot of requests.

Dahlia - "Do tell me, Scharlund. I am listening."

Cecilia - "My first request is for recognition as a member of The Matrix, if you may.

Dahlia - "That can be arranged easily, young Scharlund. What is the second request if you may?"

Cecilia - "Well, the second request is..."

---

At Astena National Hospital, several hours after meeting with the Kingpin...

Cecilia Scharlund now stood outside of Astena National Hospital. There was one person that she wanted to originally visit, but wouldn't be able without authorization. But with this secret little object she has, Cecilia could visit the person she wanted to see. Taking a few deep breaths in, she entered the hospital and decided to just approach the receptionist. The hospital wasn't as full as she had expected it to be, which makes this entire thing more easier.

Cecilia - "Hello. I would like to visit..."

Receptionist - "While visiting hours are open, you have no authorization to visit her."

Cecilia knew this was the first answer that she would receive. It is public knowledge that Astena National Hospital also contains many patients that are victims of the Second Civil War. Many had to stay hospitalized for a while. Not wanting to really wait any further, she showed the secret object to the receptionist. It was a card of authorization directly from the Kingpin of the Athearan Military Corp herself, which definitely surprised the receptionist.

Said receptionist gave out the room that the person Cecilia wanted to visit was located in. The Scharlund gave out a smile as she headed towards said room. Based on what she knows about the layout of the hospital, said room should be at the third floor. Walking up the stairs, she thought about the words she would speak to the person. Once done thinking, she realized that she was now at the third floor. Not wasting any time, she heads towards the room.

Cecilia decided to just knock on the door once. After that she heard an answer, allowing her to enter the room. Cecilia entered the room and closed the door, it was a normal hospital room with someone. That someone being Hanna Ocherbeth. The two stared at eachother as Cecilia took a seat.

Hanna - "what do you want, Cecilia?"

Cecilia - "Can I not visit to check up on my opponent now fellow Athearan?"

Hanna - "What are you trying to earn here? That Fierrevanturo and Fallagher already interrogated me here before their break."

Cecilia sighed. She checked the small bag she had carried here that she took from her home before coming here, taking out a special badge and placing it on one of Hanna's palms. Cecilia seemed serious about this which made Hanna a bit curious.

Hanna - "Why the serious face, Scharlund? I'm not getting at your game."

Cecilia - "There is no game, Hanna. You're under my protection now."

Hanna - "What? Why would you? Wasn't I your enemy?"

Cecilia - "I know everything that happened to you after looking at the report about your identity, courtesy of the Kingpin."

Hanna looked at Cecilia in surprise. She was still massively confused about all of this. Why would anyone show mercy towards her? Why did it have to be now? That question clouded her thoughts. Everything became even more confusing when the Scharlund said...

Cecilia - "I even dared them to pardon you of your crimes. Which of course they accepted, I had... A bit of a hand."

Hanna - "Why though...? Why go such lengths to a traitor like me? A betrayer of your, no, OUR nation?"

Cecilia - "Because you were dealt a bad hand. And a rigged one at that. I know everything, Hanna. So please accept it, I'm on a time crunch."

Hanna thought about it. And it took over thirty minutes for her to do so while Cecilia loitered around and waited. It's ridiculous that someone like Cecilia would go to great lengths for someone like her, someone she barely knows and a person the Scharlund only have conflicting history. There was no benefit for Cecilia to be doing this. The abruptness of this ordeal also makes it even more weird. There's no reason to accept it, but it would benefit her.

But still, she can't comprehend it.

Hanna - "I don't know why you offered it, I don't know the reason why you are doing this for me. There's no benefit for you at all. Nothing good for you from doing this. But either way, I'll accept what you offer me because it seems you won't budge."

Cecilia - "I'm doing this out of my heart, soul, and brain's decision. And finally, thank you for cooperating."

Hanna - "Yeah sure whatever. Just go now. Please."

Cecilia - "...If you say so."

And then, Cecilia got up and decided to leave the hospital room. While Hanna lays in the hospital bed thinking because she thinks something is missing about this whole encounter, Cecilia was walking down the stairs as a tear came out of her eye. There was something she can finally confirm.

Cecilia - "I'll get you back... I'll make you remember."

OOC Note: And that's the end of this saga. A cliffhanger about Cecilia and Hanna's relationship. The story for this part of the RP may seem odd, out of place, even rushed. But don't worry. I do have a plot for the next part of this entire series. The ISLORA Arc may be over, but the Recovery Arc will be the next. For those who stuck around, reading through the messes I made in these RPs, I'd like to thank you. I still have a lot planned and in store. Dahlia will play quite the major role in rekindling Hanna and Cecilia's relationship. I know, a military-ish romance-esque type of thing. That's all from me for now.

[Sargossa]

The group of uniformed figures strode along the quayside. Beyond them the large, grey forms of warships bobbed lazily up and down across the blue water. Sea birds arched through the air, fighting over the scraps from a cargo of fish that was being hauled in. A sign that some kind of normality was returning to the city of Troubalose. Some days had passed since Sargossan and Eura took full advantage of their air superiority to assault rebel positions in the crucial port city. Sargossan ground forces had followed in their wake, securing the docks and then the wider city before pushing deeper into the Pasargan countryside.

Those forces advanced southwards towards the capital while further Sargossan forces, alongside Pasargan loyalists, moved from Paulinthal towards the mercenary units bearing down on Sardin. Pictures of armoured vehicles, soldiers and helicopter gunships were beamed all across the region. But what those following the conflict on television or the internet weren’t privy to was the fact that the massive movement of troops and equipment had become a little superfluous. The decisive strike and already been struck. While the Sargossan army held the body of the snake down in Troubalose, an Euran special forces unit had struck its head clean off. Azad Günaydin, the erstwhile brain behind the attempted coup, was dead.

There had been an inevitable retaliation, directed at those members of the royal family who had elected to remain in the Dual Islands. The most ambitious attempt was aimed at Stilinkeep, at Queen Azra herself. More than a hundred rebel fighters threw themselves at the queen’s keep. They were met by a couple of companies of Sargossan Cazadores. The attack was bloodily repulsed. An assault on Aslan Majistar met a similar fate. His brother Ezid was not quite so prepared, or fortunate. He would perish, pistol in hand. His and Aslan’s mother would also die in the attack. It was a callous assassination, the last desperate gamble of a failed endeavour.

Now the Queen was safely ensconced back in her official residence, her subjects were returning to their homes and jobs and the last pockets of rebel resistance were losing ground by the hour. The mercenary force had suddenly lost all heart after its financial backing evaporated. Those that weren’t captured fled into the night. Leaving their turncoat Pasargan military allies to fend for themselves. They were surrendering in droves.

General Rafael Santana watched a small column of prisoners being matched towards a holding area, guarded by Sargossan army personnel. The commander of the Sargossan coalition forces watched his troops with interest. Standing orders were clear on this subject. The captured traitors would face Pasargan justice and Pasargan justice only. The Queen would decide their fate, as was her right. Santana wondered just how lenient she was inclined to be, particularly given the recent murders of her aunt and cousin.

‘How many in this group?’

‘About forty more this morning.’ And aide replied. ‘Minus those spirited away by the Eurans.’

‘Interesting, isn’t it? The Euran’s insistence on removing any rebel in any sort of command position from prying eyes. That and their on-the-spot execution of Günaydin. A suspicious mind might wonder what exactly it is that motivates them. Could there be some additional layer to this whole enterprise that they may prefer never came to light? I guess now we will never know.’

Another aide ran to his side, handing the general a satellite phone. ‘Sir, it’s the president.’

‘Mr President.’ He pressed the phone to his ear. ‘Thank you, sir. Yes, the engineers are arriving in a few hours. We can start filling in some of those holes we’ve made…’

[Delte]

---

Sendhang 0–1 Delte
Sports Correspondent Kim Samrodd at Tunn's Farm for the Marshlock Wetland Review

---

I won't dwell overly long on the finer details of this match, but certainly mention should be made of Hennequin-Tonnelier (Henni) Perdu's extraordinary contribution from the bench, creating a self-assist and scoring the winning goal with his first and second touches to put The Special Deltic-Cooperite Away Team [should we just call them 'The Specials' now, for brevity? - Ed.] into the knockout stages of the Cup of Harmony. Receiving a tidy pass on the edge of the area with his back to goal, a neat dummy, step-over and backheel through toward the penalty spot split defender Niko Kefalo and keeper Albertus Wageo and left them for dead in no-mans land, but the flick was so canny nobody in his own team read it and he was left with no choice but to run on to his own pass and slot it neatly into the empty net. The Specials held on for a good win over the top seeds in the group, knowing that a draw against Saint Eleanor in the final game will give them top spot and possibly another clash with former world champions and Outer AO giants Audioslavia.

At the same time, or maybe a few minutes before...

---

Discord At The WI
Junior Pencil Sharpener Polka Lunn at the Women's Institute in Rake Teinton for the Shingarter Herald

---

Women's Institue Treasurer Moira Hough is known as the tech savvy Silver Surfer amongst her friends at the luncheon club and is often invited to help explain what ctrl+z can do to save a gross error on the laptops of Generation-90; but recently she must've given the WI cause to doubt when she suggested coming off the twii.tur platform in favour of the labyrinthine and notoriously vicious Discord service. The read-only WITreasurerSocialAdmin1 account was subjected to a torrent of abusive emojis including waves of we-know-what-you-did-last-election scream masks, curlyturds and cupcakes (a particularly scandalous type of insult to a Women's Instutioneer). With the WI in a cost of filling the larder crisis right now, Moira is in the front line of scrutiny for the way annual subs are being collected and spent - but seems to have been taken by surprise by the anger expressed in Discord. She hasn't yet worked out how to identify the account users who are calling her a cupcake, but when she does, she'll be wielding the DoS-ban and brush with extreme prejudice.

This has been Polka Lunn in the countryside. I hear The Special Deltic-Cooperite Away Team have secured a spot in the next stage in Delaclava with a game to spare, which is nice.

---

The Rushmori Boat People
5/7 : Hagness Coopers FC

---

“What are we going to put in the box marked ‘club’?”

Darra Cankal was doing the paperwork for the Cup of Harmony roster submission with coach Enda Clentin. (Away Team coach Monsieur Rivière was helping out where he could, but with the NSWC documentation all set out in Anglican, the Sicoutinaise speaker wasn’t of much use. He was looking up ‘gut flora complaints’ on the internet with Gogol Translator).

“I don’t want to get this wrong and end up with a roster penalty,” said Darra.

“You can’t get it wrong,” said Enda, “have you seen [redacted, of course]’s roster? They only penalise you if you don’t submit one.”

Nevertheless, there was a bit of a problem. None of the strapping lads from the Cooper River selected for The Special Deltic-Cooperite Away Team were registered with a domestic football club. Obviously: they had not long arrived in the valley from Rushmore, back in June-July time, when the fleet of junk boats towed by the rotting hulk of an old container ship, The Mothball, full of hungry and traumatised refugees, had been blown into Smite Bay by a storm at sea and the great horrors of genocide in Sector C-17 were revealed to the naïves of the valley community. It’s a rough world out there, said a haggered Gael Tonnelier, captain of the Mothball. They were his last words, infact. He’d had his skull cracked by an enemy rifle butt, been shot three times in the back and once in the eye, and had all his fingernails pulled out with a pair of pliers by enemy interrogators. For a month he’d insisted in being strapped to a stool in the Mothball’s navigation room - since he could no longer support his own weight - where, as a talented tugboat pilot, he had applied his skills to the last to see his people safe away from Rushmore. In sight of the green of the valley, he’d finally succombed to his injuries. His wife Rosalyne, becoming Cònsol or commander of the ragtag fleet, landed the Cooperites at Deltemouth harbour and after a warm welcome, hot soup and a steaming bath for everyone, they were eventually housed in the empty village of Hagness while they decided what to do with themselves. They’re still thinking about that.

Darra and Clentin meanwhile were thinking about what to do with the roster submission when the phone rang. It was Issenda Tenning, the head of the Deltic FA, the All-Week Super Ultra Premier Football Association. Now what was she doing, calling directly? Darra picked up and listened carefully, and hmm-hmm’ed, and okayed, and nodded slowly, and put the phone down when Issenda was finished.

“As of today there’s a new team in the The Early Closing Wednesday Afternoon Parish Championship*, she says,” said Darra, in Sicoutinaise, translating to Coach Rivière. He had already explained the news to Coach Clentin, in Anglican.

“You’ve now got two jobs, she says,” said Darra, “because you’re also the general manager of your own village team now.”

“I always wanted to run a village team, he says,” said Darra, in Anglican, translating to Coach Clentin. In the empty boxes marked ‘club’ alongside the Cooperite players on the official Cup of Harmony roster paperwork, Darra wrote ‘Hagness Coopers FC’.

“Allez les Tonneliers, he says,” said Darra, forgetting to translate.

---

* The second & third tier men’s football league in the valley.

[Valentine Z]

Part 2 – The Holy Intervention, and How Clarissa Alanis Star Samantha Never Lost Her Hope.

Exuberant Superintendent T-2000/2904-3 Surveillant Clarissa Alanis Star Breya « La Amoureux Chéri » Millie Taissa Butterfly Mélody Coraline Jolijn Trini Clementine Hollie Samantha Zeta Harumi sat down together with her team after her own events, one in particular of NSSCRA whereby she has done some recent finishes as of recently. The most recent one was a bit of a crapshoot, but for Clarissa, this was just a small setback that she could come back from. In the same vein, she believed in a comeback in Cup of Harmony, but with the dwindling number of teams and matchdays (only 5 Matchdays, no switching/reverse), she was more than aware that the opportunities and the leeways would get smaller, the team not being able to make that a lot of mistakes, as a single match can be a larger determinant than the ones in World Cup. Clarissa looked back at the previous matchdays, specifically at scores so that she was up to speed with what was happening. There was 2–0 against Cabo Azure, a rest day for MD2, 3–2 against República Guanacasteca, and then The Big Holy Elephant in the room – 2–0 against The Holy Empire.

To almost everyone else, the Valentians were something else entirely, with larger-than-average heights, longer-than-average names, and generally happier-than-average populace. And to the Valentians, The Holy Empire’s Team – assuming that it was the same group that played in World Cup 91 – was something else entirely to them. For once, they have a lot of mutations, way more than the ones that they could think of in a purely scientific sense, or a magical sense, or a combination of both. Valkyrie Valentijn Samantha Constantine, the leader of Valentine Z, for instance, was a result of a combination of scientific (and magical) explanations of radiation giving him (now a her) a height mutation. The Valentians as a whole were taller than average, on top of their world being 2.66 times larger than an ordinary world. All of this still wasn’t enough for them to be able to comprehend what is up with the team, and how they managed to play like that. “To be absolutely very clear, we are not trying to be ableists, discriminating, or anything of that sort,” Clarissa started explaining to the team, along with the Valentian journalist that was attached to the Valentian Kittens for the sake of reporting, “And I do understand that they have had a very long history, as in wayyyy longer than before we even came to this world, I believe. Time is a bit of a wonky feature in the multidimensional parts, from what I have experienced, but nevertheless, I know that they have history! With that said, it just makes me wonder a bit, if you know what I mean? So at first, I thought we would be playing against the other players that we have found back in… World Cup 90, I believe! You know, the one with the goalkeeper who has 3 heads, or that one who has external lungs and must have had more energy and air to last longer on the field. But this is something that we have never expected! And to be perfectly honest, I am fine with that, haha! For one, competing against an extremely history-rich Holy Empire and getting out with a 2–0 was something that I didn’t target. Please don’t get me wrong, I am not underestimating my team as well. However, with such a difference, I was expecting maybe like 4–0, 5–0, or even a 7–0! There has been history of matches that were THAT lopsided in other worlds and universes! Oh right, sorry! Haha, going back to THE’s team, a group of intelligent hamsters that piloted hamstermechs with utmost efficiency? It’s amazing and adorable! I wonder if I can visit them to give them a hug!”

With Clarissa doing a small back-and-forth with the reporter, the Valentian Kittens then went among themselves to discuss on their next match – against Atheara. Nicknamed The Blue Guard, the Athearan National Team is also one that is not to be underestimated, though rarely do the Kittens ever underestimated someone; if anything, their overestimations might have caused them a bit of stress along the way that negatively impacted their performance. “Out of the 20 games played in World Cup 92, they got 8-4-8. We got an 11-4-5,” Nathaniel Orla Hayden Johnstone McMahon started off the briefing and the discussion, “On paper, it looks like we have a slight advantage due to the differences in the wins and the losses. BUT once again, we have to make sure that we are playing our very best. Clarissa is counting on us as always, and hey, I want to believe that her optimism in us is well-placed.” The rest of the team members nodded, each of them drawing up their own plans. Iraj Alexander Soroosh Homayoun Hashempour then added a remark of his own, “The Blue Guards, from what I have read about their roster here, they play defensively, correct? And we play offensively. So… if that cancels out eventually, should we just focus more on kicking the goals and not worry too much about defending?” More murmurs and internal discussion among the rest of the players, especially with the other defenders. Sigfreður Gamalíel Onyx Jason Steinason replied back, “I mean, aye, we can do that quite a fair bit – we can play a bit offensively on the defender line, and help out the forward and the midfielders! We still have to be very careful, though, because as we have always talked about, never underestimate someone! Man, I think that could be our motto already, haha!” Holly Annemiek Gerrieke Van De Hoogte shared the sentiment and let out a small heartfelt laugh, “Mew-Mew our way to Victory, but also make sure that we don’t underestimate both the little guys and the big guys! Still, we got this, guys! Let’s just try to get ample sleep for the night, and see what we can do for that match, yeah?” Everyone nodded in agreement, just as Clarissa made her way to the discussion table and the team quickly filling her in on what they have been talking about. “Good luck! ♥“

[Delaclava]

DELACLAVA 1–1 West Barack and East Obama
Bartoš 79' | Pogama 62'
Rodriguez; Baxayev, Champagne, Gouin, Barry; Bartoš, Romeijn (Gretler 84'), Tudor, Martin (Anagnakis 65'), Kovalev; Meyer.

Credit has to go to the debutant Obamas, unintimidated by the superior host side, unshaken by the historic weight of a venue like Virtuous Stadium. In fact, it was the Phoenixes who seemed rattled by the unorthodox skills and backstories of their opponent, and given how prone to mistakes they were, it was perhaps all but luck that Brett Pogama did not deliver the first blow sooner. It was only the hot streak of Martin Bartoš that carried into the game and managed to rescue the host team a point. Although it was enough to secure a berth in the Round of 16, with Mertagne and Delaclava clearly separating as the top two teams, it's an uninspiring sign for Delaclava as they take on that same Mertagne side in an attempt to win the group. Perhaps it's sensible that media outlet have written off the Phoenixes already, but that's not how the game is decided, is it?

Ekdal: James not "mentally ready to go"

Phoenixes starting goalkeeper Earl James' noticeable absence the past two games has been a matter of looking after his psychological health following a fatal knife attack in his neighborhood, according to caretaker Edward Ekdal.

"As much as he wants to be, he's not mentally ready to go," Ekdal said. "We're willing to be patient with him during this time. First and foremost, his well-being is the priority for our program no matter the circumstances. But it seems especially easy for us to meet that priority when it's the Cup of Harmony, and when we have other viable options on the field while he takes care of himself."

James, 24, currently plays for Euran club AFC Mayville but previously played for Catherina FC and retains residence in the city of Catherina. And that was where he was the night following Delaclava's opening victory over Ochre Islands at Berrera Stadium, and where nearby, 31-year-old Aleks Budaj carried out an attack with a large knife that killed four people and injured six others. Although James and his girlfriend, Kathryn Danault, were physically unharmed, Ekdal revealed that Budaj did attempt to enter James' residence, and that the neighborhood was locked down for eight hours while Catherina police hunted down and eventually apprehended Budaj.

"There's really no telling how someone will be affected by this kind of thing," Ekdal said. "It's got to be so nerve-wracking and disturbing to be trapped, just wanting it all to be over so you can be safe in your own home once again. And at the end of the day, the community has lost lives, has been permanently scarred, and has to find a way to process that grief and rebuild. There's no right way to do it."

Carlos Rodriguez has instead started the past two games, recording three saves in a 3-1 victory over Baggieland and six saves in a 1-1 draw with West Barack and East Obama. In addition to Rodriguez, Finian Cloarec also played several games in the qualification campaign and is ready to play as Ekdal and Lyndainium see fit.

James was not on the bench for the Baggieland match, with the Phoenixes dressing just two keepers. He returned for the WBEO game and dressed, although it again seemed clear that Rodriguez and Cloarec were the two active goalkeepers.

Ekdal replaced Boris Ishutin following a 1-3-3 run in World Cup 92 qualifying and is credited with a win over Hopal and a loss to Zwangzug before Elidyr Lyndainium of Ceni took over as permanent manager. Ekdal is still officially listed by the Delaclav Football Association as a caretaker, although it is understood that his role now is largely as an assistant coach and as a "player liaison" who has some familiarity with the Delaclav talent pool. It is unclear what role, if any, Ekdal will retain in the future, but in the words of Ekdal, "I think this kind of situation demonstrates what I'm trying to do to help out the team. Elidyr has been understanding of this whole situation and has allowed it to develop however it needs while he focuses on the tactics of the team." Ekdal insisted, however, "Elidyr is also invested in how Earl is doing, we've all been regularly checking in."

Ekdal didn't quite deny that the status of the team's season played a role in James' mindset as well as the team's approach. "This tournament, let's be honest, it's hard for anyone to convince themselves that these games matter. It's important experience, it's good developmental opportunity, but as a team you have to be really intrinsically motivated to think you're getting anything out of this. How are you supposed to believe that any of this matters in the first place, let alone when you have something so difficult and serious happen in your real life that kind of has you questioning things?"

Delaclava will return to Catherina to play their final group stage game against Mertagne; it seems likely that James will again dress but that Rodriguez will start. The DFA has not announced venues for the knockout stage.

[Juvencus]

CRUSHING WIN OVER BEARS ARMED OVERSHADOWED BY YET ANOTHER WAVE OF VERBAL FAN VIOLENCE


Verbal Juven fans are giving Juven football a bad reputation, with bans towards Juven individuals at Ceni likely

The comeback la squadra has made since the first matchday against Cap Nord has been significant. A smashing second win straight against the sentient Ursines of Bears Armed was vital in maintaining the team's hopes of qualification alive and well. With 5 goals to 2 one would think the mental boost that gli attaccanti would be getting is large. However, they could not be more wrong, as yet again, a portion of the fanbase situated in Ceni hurled more aggressive chants against our opponents. Calling them different names, all directed at their intelligence and sentience. Meaning that for the past few games, those aggressive fans have been researching exactly what irks the opposing fanbase most which makes said chants deliberate acts of violence. And with the Cenian Football Association's warning against said fans being placed just before the game, the ignorance shown towards it might mean several penalties for gli attaccanti fans in Ceni.

The first half performance of gli attaccanti is an indication of what this team can accomplish when refereeing is balanced and not against it. Not much any player can do to sway the referee when the referee looks more bulked up than most players on the pitch, which was the case of Fedor Douglas Arseniev of Quebec. While the Ursines did manage to break the ice with Hannorra Scarlett's unpredictable movement ending in a sudden goal, la squadra was not phased at all. Specifically, a beautiful Pereyra solo run saw him having the entire right side free for himself, and with a beautiful finesse shot would find the top right side of the net, despite Ulgha's leap to the ball. Following that, a shot by Martell was deflected wide by Ulgha and a corner kick was given. On the following corner kick the ball was headed out and Callejon managed to score a screamer on the rebound to make it 1-2 for gli attaccanti. And for the cherry on top, a Martell through-ball leading into Campana for the volley to increase the advantadge to two goals by half-time. However, in the process Campana was tackled severely by Urrsa Irrumerrhabarra who was yellow-carded after the celebrations finished and was injured and will be missing the very important matchday against Yuezhou.

His replacement in Benedikto Urruchi was not disappointing at all as he proved himself to be a golden substitute in his first touch of the ball. A beautiful long ball by Portieri would find Urruchi in such a position that he would manage to thunderously strike the ball in the Ursines' net to make it 1-4. However, the girt and determination of Bears Armed despite the circumstances was admirable and it showed on the pitch. On the 65th minute, a strike by Rebecca Gold would render Juan Carlos Ungaro completely useless and as such the difference would be reduced to two goals again. That is the part where the demeaning fan chants about the intelligence and sentience of the Bears Armed citizens and players came into effect. Fan chants got so bad that some vocal altercations broke down on the pitch, with Callejon being yellow carded(thus also missing the game against Yuezhou). Arseniev managed to break said altercations and most players were laid off with a warning. The game was sealed when Martell would cross the ball in the box and Urruchi with a magnificent header would make it Bears Armed 2-5 Juvencus, which would be the final scoreline.

Entering into the last matchday of the group stages of the Cup of Harmony against Yuezhou, the team will have the gigantic absences of Callejon and Campana and quite possibly even its own fanbase. And according to Madeiros' statement "Next game is a final, as is every single game that will follow suit."

As for the Juven Football Association's statements about the behavior of the fans against Bears Armed and Ceni, this what they had to say:

"The behavior of severeal mischievous fans in Ceni for the Cup of Harmony's 84th version has been outrageous. The chants they sing and overall behavior they have exhibited throught the competition is not indicative of what the Juven Football Association and populace are standing for. Punishments will be given to fans found to have participated in such acts and a formal apology is extended to every single fan from Ceni and Bears Armed that might have been harmed."

[Talannua]

"Yontas" means "union."

And in Yontas, somewhere in the middle of Talannua, representatives of more than one hundred towns in the Past Lands gathered. Some drove in automobiles, some arrived by horse and carriage. They chose to meet in a glade equidistant from a few of the more central towns.

First, they decided that this would be a special meeting site, a central place where all the town leaders could gather and make collective decisions about the future of the Lands. But it would not be a city, it would not be a capital, it would not have a government. Yontas would be a symbol of harmony and collaboration, but it would not be any organization that would have control or dominion over all the rest of the lands. The character of Talannua was independence and self-governance, arising from the decision not to join the Transmigration and pursue its own destiny in the newly open lands.

Then, the leaders did discuss some items of mutual welfare. Some talked about the challenges of having their towns torn apart, losing people, property, cattle and resources. Some had seen the problems of unexpected new residents who had been blown in from nearby cities or otherwise found in the outskirts, those who had expected to make the Transmigration but were not brought through the portal. Many of the others pledged to share food, housing, and medical assistance with their neighbors to help rebuild and to handle new influxes. They also discussed systems in places for ensuring there were fair borders of jurisdiction for hunting, gathering, and land and water administration. The proceedings were largely amicable. Everyone understood that the sooner they could iron out these minute details, the sooner they could return home with a greater sense of certainty and confidence in the way forward.

Thousands of miles away, the kicks team out of Castaic would play one final match of the season against Sendhang. They knew it would be the last, but it had been one heck of a journey for that reason, representing the Past Lands proudly and putting the world on notice that talent still remained where civilization did not. After those ninety minutes, it is hard to know what the future holds. There will not be one single story; hundreds upon thousands of distinct narratives will exist. A few may come to the forefront. Most will never be heard. But this is a union, not a unification, and so long as there is room for those stories to grow and thrive, perhaps you will have the privilege of seeing a tiny fraction of it unfold.

[Cardenao]

‘These are the moments you live for,’ Scooter McNash thought to himself. He took a drag of his joint as he looked over the tropical beach scene laid out before him, a classic Cardenao landscape.

‘What a fucking game, what. A fucking. Game.’ The manager of the Cardenao national football team was still in shock these days later. He had just coached said team, the world number 92, in her second ever World Cup cycle, to a very unexpected result.

Brenecia. The eighth best team in the world coming in off the back of two emphatic results, having scored five times and conceded none in those games, compared to five and thrice for Cardenao. It was a spicy matchup to be sure, but given the discrepancy in ranking and overall prestige, it was an assumed conclusion that Brenecia would come out on top. The question was how hard Cardenao was going to make them work for it. In short, very hard.

Scooter took another drag off the joint and washed it down with a sip of beer. ‘This is what it’s all about, this is what the work is for.’

The only people who hadn’t written off Cardenao in the fixture were the 23 members of the team itself, the coaching staff, and most importantly, Scooter McNash. He had good reason to feel cautiously optimistic, Cardenao boasted a surprisingly good record against top-15 ranked team. Draws against then ranked 12th Pasarga and 14th Banija, and a victory against the same Pasargan team while losing approximately zero times against top-15 sides. Sure, three matches is a small sample size, but when this game is the 53rd one your country has ever played, it becomes a bit more meaningful.

Scooter smiled as he thought back to the game plan he had worked up with the team for this match. It had been……exactly the same. Yes, Mr. McNash was a big believer in the power of consistency and, dare I say it, trusting the process. That’s not to see he didn’t tweak his tactical approach to a certain extent, but largely it was the same system he had used since Cardenao’s first ever match, that 3-1 victory against Kuraita in the 78th Baptism of Fire that seemed so long ago.

The tactical approach had become more defensive in nature, with Diego Valenzuela being asked to hold his position at the base of midfield, acting more as a half-back then the deep-lying playmaker he usually did. Hendrix Salvadore, that absolute madlad Scooter thought to himself, played more defensively too, ensuring the back four was smooth and acting as a unit. Aside from that though, it was game on.

And what a game it was.

The Cardenaoan team started the 90 minutes hungry to show what they could do and put the world on notice. They pressed hard and often, maybe a little too hard as Giampetro Vera committed the first foul of the game 27 seconds into those 90 minutes, Scooter had had to shake his head at that but he was glad it gave his players a second to breathe off those initial nerves.

He had barely gotten his seat to warm to his touch when Cardenao scored the first goal. It was nothing from the training ground, just one of those moments of luck that changes everything after it comes.

Brenecia’s goalkeeper had punted the ball far upfield, where our captain Diego V collected it and laid off for Larrainzar. He initiated a quick one-two with Vera before trying to hit a ball in behind the line, but he hit it with too much power down the left side. Ibai Acosta-Vargas gave light chase just to keep the Brenecian rightback Caomhin Hadley honest. He took one big step, two big steps to settle himself before trying to clear the ball over his shoulder back upfield. Fortunately for Scooter, he totally whiffed it, slicing the ball to Giampetro Vera who fought through the surprise at having the ball gifted to his feet to play Juanma Saez in on goal. 1 on 1 with the newly starting Phoebe Corder and there was no doubt the result as Juanma slammed the ball into the net to make it 1-0 to Cardenao with four minutes and 20 seconds on the clock.

In the present, Scooter laughed as he remembered his reaction. Jumping up off the bench and running a few steps towards his celebrating lads screaming ‘Hooooollyyyy shittt!!!!!’ what a great moment that had been.

But this was back then, and there were still 85 minutes of football against the eighth best team in the world, plenty of time for everything to go horribly horribly wrong.

The lads reacted to being up 1-0 as if they were down 0-1, still attacking, still pressing everything trying to force errors up the field. It was a bit too frantic, a bit too much and the Cardenaoans were being stretched too thin between defense and midfield and the Brenecians were inching back into the game. Katua Byrne in particular was looking dangerous on the left flank, and she had a shot kiss the top of the bar in the tenth minute. That signaled the need for change, and so Scooter communicated to his team the need for them to chill the fuck out and start controlling possession, which they promptly did to great effect.

The next 20 minutes of play were fairly unremarkable, the Cardenaoans trying to hold onto possession and standing firm against Brenecian counterattacks. Juanma came close to getting his second in the 23rd minute, when he turned a half chance into a real opportunity but saw his shot get saved in acrobatic fashion. The next big moment came in the 27th minute, right after Scooter had had his wingers change sides, and it paid off in spectacular fashion.

Ray Holland easily held onto a shot from Lofthouse and rolled it out to Hendrix Salvadore to start the attack. The half Cardenaoan-half Quebecois leftback stormed down the field, evading one defender before laying the ball off to Haritz Larrainzar in the center of the pitch. He took two quick touches before spraying a pass down the right wing for Acosta-Vargas to run onto. He collected the ball, feinted towards the inside, before darting down the line and driving a cross through the defense into the center of the box where it was met by the increasingly lethal right foot of Chímoooooooo Ventura, who neatly slotted it into the back of the net to make it 2-0 and send the stadium into absolute pandemonium. Scooter McNash was in euphoric shock, the cheers roaring through the stadium didn’t stop even after the referee blew his whistle for halftime.

It was a half Cardenao had totally dominated, McN thought to himself as he finished his indulgences and walked inside to brush and bed as he replayed the second half in his mind. He had told the lads to keep calm and steady, not to get too carried away and to focus on their game plan, which was now officially kill as much time as possible.

And so the second half went, truth be told the Brenecians just didn’t seem to have it in them, perhaps rueing missing out on the World Cup so much to only care for the Cup of Harmony as an afterthought, but that was the difference to Scooter and his Cardenao team. This was everything for them, every game of football was. The prize of victory alone was enough to concentrate their minds and when Rafa DiSantos banged home a free-kick in the 67th minute to make it an emphatic 3-0 lead, the whole team came together in celebration.

3-0 against the 8th best team in the world, securing qualification to the knockout stages of an international tournament for the first time in the nation’s history. What a performance, what an epic day that would forever be remembered in Cardenao.

[Delaclava]

It's time to make your dreams come true... on streets we call the zoo.

Day 5 cutoff! To the 24 teams to whom we say goodbye tonight, thank you for joining us. Don't forget to pick up a Cleopatrana goodie bag on the way out!

---

Group A
Bears Armed 4–2 Cap Nord
Juvencus 3–1 Yuezhou

  Group A                Pld   W  D  L   GF  GA  GD  Pts 
1 Juvencus                 4   3  0  1   11   6  +5    9 Q
2 Yuezhou                  4   2  1  1    8   8   0    7 Q
3 Ceni                     4   1  2  1    9   8  +1    5
4 Cap Nord                 4   1  1  2    6   8  −2    4
5 Bears Armed              4   1  0  3    7  11  −4    3

Group B
Valentine Z 5–2 Atheara
República Guanacasteca 1–4 The Holy Empire

  Group B                Pld   W  D  L   GF  GA  GD  Pts 
1 Cabo Azure               4   3  1  0   15   6  +9   10 Q
2 The Holy Empire          4   2  2  0   11   6  +5    8 Q
3 Valentine Z              4   2  0  2    8   8   0    6
4 Atheara                  4   1  1  2    4   8  −4    4
5 República Guanacasteca   4   0  0  4    3  13 −10    0

Group C
Acastanha 0–0 Koronavia
Pasarga 1–0 Gnejs

  Group C                Pld   W  D  L   GF  GA  GD  Pts 
1 Pasarga                  4   4  0  0    7   3  +4   12 Q
2 Gnejs                    4   3  0  1    7   3  +4    9 Q
3 Koronavia                4   1  1  2    3   5  −2    4
4 Acastanha                4   0  2  2    4   6  −2    2
5 The Cordian Isles        4   0  1  3    3   7  −4    1

Group D
Chartistan 0–2 Mercedini
Sargossa 0–1 New Gelderland

  Group D                Pld   W  D  L   GF  GA  GD  Pts 
1 Adab                     4   3  1  0   10   4  +6   10 Q
2 Mercedini                4   2  0  2    3   6  −3    6 Q
3 New Gelderland           4   1  2  1    2   2   0    5
4 Chartistan               4   1  1  2    5   7  −2    4
5 Sargossa                 4   1  0  3    4   5  −1    3

Round of 16
Match 1: Juvencus vs. Mercedini - Westgreen Park Stadium
Match 2: Cabo Azure vs. Gnejs - Southeastern Ceni Stadium
Match 3: Pasarga vs. The Holy Empire - Lake Cenial Stadium
Match 4: Adab vs. Yuezhou - Estadio Internacional de Santiago

Venues for the other half of the draw:

Delaclava vs. Brenecia - Pride of Manchester (110,000), Manchester
Audioslavia v. Delte - Black Forest (50,000), Farland
Saint Eleanor v. Poafmersia - Cathedral Square (73,000), Christiana
Cardenao v. Mertagne - Atlantis Casino Gardens (68,000), Cleopatrana

[Saint Eleanor]

Cup of Harmony 84 - Group G, fourth game
Saint Eleanor 1 (Exandra Davies goal 56')
Brookstation 0

---

Katherine Carey: "I shouldn't really be saying that in Saint Eleanor, should I?"
Chief Football Correspondent Jamie Rodgers gets the most apocryphal - and least appreciated - of his goalkeepers up for a few, more obvious, questions
Originally published on Saturday 17th August 2002

You might be wondering what happened to the seventh and last of my Goalscoring Goalkeepers. She is certainly still alive, and how she did what she did is not in dispute. The fact that I have only covered the League and Charles Trump Shield, while skimming over the Army League, should have also been a sign. But, as far as any rigorous historian is aware, Katherine Carey was the only goalkeeper in Schools League history to score.

This is not to say that she necessarily was: over the first five years of independence, hundreds of Schools League games were played and you would imagine more classmates joining her ranks. But unlike the other three established nationwide football competitions, reporting on the Schools League is patchy; all final tables and almost all results are available, but precise details were too often never reported, either left to rot away in individual memories or PE department filing cabinets. "Off memory, there were at least ten or eleven. I do remember an old schoolfriend asking me to watch Deepchester against Marketplace in February 1978; the visitors' first-choice keeper was off sick and their second-choice missed the bus, so they had to start with number three, who got sent off almost at half time. During the break, the girl I was sitting next to - a nice young lady called Rachel who told me she was one of the school's famous cheerleaders but had played a couple of away games as a sub - jumped the fence and asked the manager to be made goalkeeper, which he said yes to somehow. A few minutes after that, she charged quite a way up her half, cleared from sixty yards out only to have the ball clatter off the crossbar into the net. The match got zero coverage in The Advertiser or Academy, but every few months, I keep reading about a similar-looking woman called Colonel Rachel Kirk and how she's working to stop routine theft in the east central districts."

This anecdote reopens the crucial problem of extremely high turnover rates in the Schools League era: unlike in modern competition, there were no fixed rosters and no age limits, allowing any fit student to float in and out of the squad depending on performances, quality, or simply how much the PE teachers liked them. University College, despite their seemingly polished image now, was no exception at the time. "Was I any of those things or just another stopgap like Rachel was? I wouldn't say I held down a secure spot, but I was somehow good enough to be considered for the match squad most days, and occasionally got called up. I was consistent enough that this pretty much depended entirely on what everyone else did, which... I shouldn't really be saying that in Saint Eleanor, should I?"

It has been very slightly over 25 years since Uni Coll hosted Parkside in what should have been - and arguably was - a nondescript league tie. "You're off by four weeks and a bit!" The match got off to a slow start and Carey assures us that her side were on the back foot for much of the first half, although the goal they conceded was "undefendable and unsaveable, especially by youth football standards." Life after the second half was more squalid - even deadlocked - before "I had the quite ridiculous idea of just charging to the ball without even thinking about what to do with it. As it turned out, it went forward and bounced a couple of times; I'm told Daniel Stamp, I think, who was our striker that day, tried to head the ball in after the first bounce, but thankfully nobody else could get to it either and it just went in so farcically. A farcical goal is still a goal, mind." Parkside scored again five minutes later in what Carey chalks down as a mistake, but her place in Schools League history had been assured - although, like almost every other incident of its kind, it was almost not to be.

Excited about her new achievement, Carey woke up the following morning, bought a copy of Academy (Collegiate district's local newspaper, published by the students of the local University of Saint Eleanor) and immediately turned to the football pages - but noticed nothing more than a couple of sentences noting the result and pointing out that 'Katherine Carey, the College's goalkeeper, scored from long distance to bring the match level with 30 minutes to go.' "That was when the bubble burst! I thought it would at least have been important enough to be one of the main things - no further comment - and instead we got almost nothing about the match involving the local school. Was anybody really surprised when SEFA pulled the plug two years later?" Away from the pitch, she insists she "was always a social butterfly" who tried to talk to as many people as she could possibly befriend "and got taken halfway across the nation and a bit more in the process" - but, at school, "was about equally good at everything; I didn't really get the point in going to uni or anything like that."

Her main claim to fame today is as founder of Torridge and Carey's, a small ice cream bar five minutes from the University campus which prides itself on only using milk from Eleanorian cows; it was so popular she repaid the loan she got from First Eleanorian for the idea within a few months. The bar is named for her and James Torridge, who graduated in business studies in 1978 (the year before she left school) and supplied her with technical assistance. "People say it's the hipster effect, but you don't see this in the increasingly gentrified Parkside or even Buckhead, where the Poly is. Collegiate district is home to more vibrant, creative people than just about anywhere else - and they know what people want. I'd say James and I have run a good ship; ice cream is still very popular here and we've even been facing real competition over the past ten years or so, but we've survived by offering familiar flavours at great prices."

Much like the competition she had a great deal of fun in, Carey is relaxed, circumspect, self-aware, and grateful for all the challenges she's faced - without getting herself too concerned about any of the notable specifics. Few, if any, yearn for the return of the Schools League, its amateurism or its poor management - but a return to the happy-go-lucky approach that proliferated among anyone who bothered with it, however moderated, would be welcome for the upcoming challenge of Delte and beyond. If that fails, Priscilla Evans could just order a scoop of gelato for the entire team tomorrow morning; it'll do them good.

---

Burglary in Newbanks "will not be tolerated," says Colonel Kirk

Former Marketplace Community School cheerleader and Colonel Rachel Kirk has said that the recent spate of burglaries in Newbanks district "will not be tolerated" by the Army, as they step up efforts to catch a local gang who they believe have been responsible for the summer of loss.

Col. Kirk, 40, said that the expansion of the burglars' operations to Newbanks, a well-educated, high-income district which has not been routinely targetted by criminals, was "entirely their choice" and that they will "face a hostile reception from those who want to protect our laws and our way of life." She also congratulated the Newbanks-based soldiers who apprehended 33-year-old Halezrelfa baTetalenola last week, after he was nonfatally shot by a resident while trying to steal his television, computer tower, and other electronic goods; baTetalenola, an unemployed local man who had been on the radar of local army bases for several months, had stolen thousands of dollars worth of goods from five Newbanks households.

baTetalenola was one of the most prolific burglars to have been apprehended by the Army in recent times. Although smaller-scale thefts persist, the similarity of their methods and their unchanging desire for electronics - which contain valuable metals that can be sold for scrap in unsuspecting third countries - have led some soldiers to reportedly believe that they are working together. In one case, a single trader's van in St Paul district was stolen and delivered to the commercial docks in Wellington to be exported while he was at the supermarket.

When asked whether Operation Archimedes - her project to stop routine organised theft in the east central city - would look into the suspicious behaviour, the leggy brunette, who tops out at five foot eight inches, said that it was "confined to Newbanks for the moment," but that "more diverse strategies" were being employed in poorer, more theft-prone districts and a common approach would be required to stop it. She did not, however, rule out the possibility of immediate action if Army intelligence found that such threats were being copied across the region.

Kirk - who joined the Army as a standard Private after graduating from school in 1980 - was last promoted in 1999, when Vice-President General Frank Snell appointed her one of nine regional champions on day-to-day crime. While officers have broad leeway to fight crime within their own districts and towns and may chase suspects along district lines, plans involving multiple districts must first be cleared with the relevant champions, who specialise in day-to-day crime and serious crime respectively. Operation Archimedes, which has resulted in the arrest of nearly thirty thiefs and burglars and the collapse of two crime gangs since its inception, has been the highest-priority mission under Kirk's purview.

Of the nine regions tracked by the Army, the East Central region has the second-highest rate of theft and burglary in Saint Eleanor - outstripped only by the Western Corridor, an infamously crime-laden group of districts along the northern Orange Line of the Metro which includes Bramblewood, Queenston and Sunset Gates. North Seville and Newbanks have largely avoided the recent crime spree, but Buckhead - which has a high density of students in higher education through the Polytechnic Institute - has been badly affected, as have working-class districts such as St Paul, New St Paul, and eastern Richardgate.

[Brenecia]

THE ROZELLE OBSERVER
Wright blames heavy defeat on 'lack of press'
Uther Cartwright

Following a crushing 3-0 defeat to Cardenao, Brenecia manager Derdriu Wright has perplexingly blamed a 'lack of press' for the defeat.

When pressed by a journalist who assumed she was speaking of the press in a footballing sense, Wright doubled down, clarifying that she believed "football teams thrive when they're being talked about, especially in their home countries."

"It is my belief that most Brenecian fans already view our place here as a disappointment, and nobody will take it seriously until we reach the latter stages. But without that support from home, getting that far is a pipe dream. Our opponents came in highly motivated, carrying the hopes and dreams of their countrymen on their backs, and they showed tonight how much it meant to them - and should mean to us."

While Wright has a point in that the Cup of Harmony has not been met with the same fanfare at home as it deserves, it is undeniable that any outcome other than victory will represent a disappointing cycle for the Patriots, who entered ranked 8th. Though able to get the job done against smaller teams, Brenecia's undoing in qualification was its inability to beat strong sides, with Savojarna in the group and then IA Quebec in the playoff each earning wins in both fixtures.

Regardless, Wright has not changed personnel or tactics significantly, continuing to trust in her rigid 4-4-2 formation and in the controversial Conway and Seager midfield that has been accused of lacking creativity and making the team far too predictable in attack, with the wingers bearing almost the entire playmaking burden.

Brenecia started the CoH strongly, with five unanswered goals over their first two matches, but that string ended just five minutes in when Saez drove in the first Cardenaoan goal. By the half-hour mark, a counterattack from Ventura had made it 2-0, and Cardenao never looked like relinquishing that lead.

While Cardenao did work harder, a more conventional footballing explanation might point to their calm on the ball, their superiority in phases of transition and their ability to quickly win back possession in midfield. Cardenao, who have not dropped a point thus far, have already secured qualification; the final slot will come down to a straight shot between Brenecia and Kimi-Suomi, with the Patriots only requiring a point to progress.

[Ceni]

Group E
Delaclava 2–1 Mertagne
Baggieland 0–0 West Barack and East Obama

. Group E                       Pld   W  D  L   GF  GA  GD  Pts 
1 Delaclava                       4   3  1  0   10   5  +5   10
2 Mertagne                        4   3  0  1   10   6  +4    9
3 Baggieland                      4   1  1  2    7   9  −2    4
4 West Barack and East Obama      4   0  3  1    3   4  −1    3
5 Ochre Islands                   4   0  1  3    9  15  −6    1

Group F
Audioslavia 1–0 Poafmersia
Elmyia 2–3 Eraman

. Group F                       Pld   W  D  L   GF  GA  GD  Pts 
1 Audioslavia                     4   3  1  0    5   1  +4   10
2 Poafmersia                      4   3  0  1    7   5  +2    9
3 Eraman                          4   2  1  1    9   8  +1    7
4 Ziwana                          4   1  0  3    3   5  −2    3
5 Elmyia                          4   0  0  4    4   9  −5    0

Group G
Delte 0–2 Saint Eleanor
Talannua 0–3 Sendhang

. Group G                       Pld   W  D  L   GF  GA  GD  Pts 
1 Saint Eleanor                   4   3  0  1    6   3  +3    9
2 Delte                           4   2  1  1    3   3   0    7
3 Sendhang                        4   2  0  2    7   6  +1    6
4 Brookstation                    4   1  2  1    6   5  +1    5
5 Talannua                        4   0  1  3    2   7  −5    1

Group H
Brenecia 2–1 Kimi-Suomi
The Jovannic 0–3 Cardenao

. Group H                       Pld   W  D  L   GF  GA  GD  Pts 
1 Cardenao                        4   4  0  0   11   3  +8   12
2 Brenecia                        4   3  0  1    7   4  +3    9
3 Kimi-Suomi                      4   1  1  2    7   7   0    4
4 HUElavia                        4   1  1  2    8   9  −1    4
5 The Jovannic                    4   0  0  4    3  13 −10    0

Round of 16
Delaclava vs. Brenecia @ Pride of Manchester (110,000), Manchester
Audioslavia v. Delte @ Black Forest (50,000), Farland
Saint Eleanor v. Poafmersia @ Cathedral Square (73,000), Christiana
Cardenao v. Mertagne @ Atlantis Casino Gardens (68,000), Cleopatrana

[Kimi-Suomi]

FT: Brenecinen 2–1 Kimi-Suomi
BRE Scorers: Jadwiga Lofthouse (34', 78')
KIM Scorers: Valtteri Nordström (55')

At least we fought. But the ride stops here.

The greatest cycle in our history is finally over. And what a journey it was.

Now, the time has come to finally say goodbye.

Anne Hintz, Hannu Koivu, Kauko Loukamaa, Simo Talvela - you have all represented this nation with pride.
You helped us in this quest to where we are now and we cannot thank you enough.
Olkoon loppuelämäsi yhtä valoisaa kuin te kaikki olitte.

Tulemme takaisin. Nähdään ensi vuonna!
We will be back. See you next year!

NOSTA KUIN HUUHKAJAT!

[Mertagne]

Part 1. The Middle Ages
Part 2. The Early Renaissance
Part 3. The Late Renaissance
Part 4. The Industrial Revolution
Part 5. The Corvidae War

Time. Space. Reality. We know all too well that it’s more than a linear path. As scholars in ages present have stated, it’s a prism of endless possibility, where a single choice can branch out into infinite realities, creating alternate worlds from the ones you know. I am the Narrator. I am your guide through these vast new realities. Follow me and ponder the question that has haunted the minds of Mertagne for eons... "What if?"

Our journey into the alternate timeline which resulted from a victory at the battle of Vecchio in the Middle Ages has seen the nation of Mertagne spring up under widely differing circumstances than it has in our own timeline. With no venture south from the order of the Fourbarbs, Captain Arnaud Flig failed to discover Flig’s Ive down in central Calania, but instead built the outpost-come economic powerhouse of a city in the borders of modern day Mertagne instead. Over the centuries, even millennia that we’ve walked through, Mertagne has grown from Wesaxe, risen and fallen in a series of defining eras, the most recent of which the catastrophic Corvidae War which saw an international coalition rise up against the scourge of fascism in the borders of the nation north of the Bekk.

In this, the final part of our “What If?” series, we will look at the post-war period, and how the fledgling republic of Mertagne looks in the modern day in this alternate timeline, highlighting key differences between the Mertagne we know and the Mertagne we have uncovered.

Firstly, this alternate Mertagne is likely to have a larger population than Mertagne in our timeline, even taking into account a possible drop in population after the casualties of war. Neighbours Krytenia have a large population of approximately 100 million, and the Starblaydi population grows exponentially with each passing day, and therefore it is safe to assume that with a similar growth trajectory to those nations, a robust agricultural sector, and post-war migration and investment from the Eurasphere, a population of 60 to 70 million in the smaller alternate timeline borders (as half of modern day Mertagne by area would be under the control of the Quechua Republic) is likely.

This larger, population would necessitate denser cities, and it is likely that more of the forests that characterise Mertagne in our timeline would have been cut back in the alternate timeline, due to a longer active settlement period on the land and an increased demand for clear land on which to build farms or houses.

Furthermore, the Lake Shoda dam would likely have never been constructed, leaving the land in the middle of the country habitable and developed. This would likely form a key part of the Trans-Calanian Railway route, bisecting the nation and running along an urban agglomeration that would likely stretch between Dannharbour, Cravannien, and New Fligsive.

The political makeup in the alternate Mertagne would likely be much more polarised between left-wing labour group political movements and the more conservative, capital protecting political movements of the aristocracy, many of which would keep their titles but lack any real power to use them after the war. It is likely that they would still own considerable estates, and project a lot of soft power over many organisations within the nation, but the principled approach to democratic processes under the watchful eye of the Eurans in the north would see corruption slowly but surely routed out of the backroom halls of the nation’s political systems. It is likely that Mertagne would adopt free market principles, but regularly be strongarmed into accepting unfavourable trade deals with the larger, more influential nations surrounding it.

Socially, it is likely the presence of a storied national history, with fewer gaps than exist in our current time, would permeate throughout the nation, and it is likely that cultural artefacts and touchstones would be more commonplace and traditional than they would be in our timeline. Its people would likely be more rugged, and perhaps more hardened, from centuries of conflict and the autocratic nature of their neighbours in the north of Calania. The average Mertagnian in this alternate timeline is sure of their status in the world, and is likely to look down on other cultures instead of seeing them as equals - an attitude that would have contributed to their survival in those early days. This Mertagne, not quite knowing the scale of war when it arrives on your own doorstep - always being the aggressor in the conflict, and seeing a swift yet decisive campaign in the Corvidae conflict they did lose - would be less sympathetic to the struggles of others, and the average Mertagnian in this timeline is likely to be less compassionate, and more self-serving. They would also likely be more suspicious of democracy after centuries of shying away from universal suffrage, preferring the large-scale decisions to be made by those in power, and leaving the small things to their local communities of friends, family, and fellow workers. The standard of living would likely be more equal across the nation, with little difference between the urban and rural due to the nature of them living in harmony across centuries of growth.

This timeline is certainly an interesting glimpse into the far-reaching effects that can occur when just a single action is changed. On that day at the battle of Vecchio, let’s be glad that Arnaud Flig didn’t see the Daii cavalry charge - as we’d be living in a similar but markedly different world if he did.

[Gnejs]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5

Part 6: A power emerges

The season of 1981 was a transitional one. Matilda Winger remained in charge of the game and strategy, whereas he embarked on his new mission of heading up the team’s physical training scheme modeled on high altitude training regimes used by different armed forces around the world. While playing in League 2, and all players getting paid some compensation, none of them were full-time professional players and Gressbakken itself was still something between a professional team and a highly organized lower-tier team. This made the level of commitment he demanded a challenge.

He started cooperating with a few of the local enthusiasts, and they in turn put him in touch with a community of homesteaders from the northern parts of The Interior. His physical training regime became a combination of grueling strength and stamina routines and wildlife survival skills. Some of the players appreciated the new and tougher requirements, some didn’t.

In the preseason they could spend up to two weeks straight out there. Many were injured, some quit early due to other commitments, and one of the squad members even crippled himself completely after falling down a ravine. His name was Stian and he had been a promising fullback, in addition to his work down at the docks. This incident became a divisive point, and a portion of the squad protested loudly, demanding the extreme physical training stopped and things going back to normal. His scheme was put through much scrutiny by the board, and a fair few of them sided with the disgruntled players, but coach Winger defended him relentlessly, and in the end the board decided to trust her.

The consequence was that 9 of the 25 man squad quit. The remaining core of the team came out of the ordeal strengthened, and after a period of transition results also started showing from the training. Despite this, losing so many players - some of them first team picks and key players - was a setback. With little money to recruit experienced players, they instead relied on incorporating members from the oldest youth teams in the squad. All this of course became a defining mark of the ‘81 season, and Gressbakken ended up in 10th place. Never in danger of relegation, but never a contender for anything either.

The post-season evaluation of his new training regime came back mixed. On the one hand he was redeemed, because overall the squad showed a higher level of strength and endurance, making them the all but foolproof defensive machinery Coach Winger’s game strategies had been contingent on. On the other hand, the demanding tempo and recurrence of his preferred training routines all throughout the season had seemingly produced the opposite outcome in the latter part of the season, where all the players seemed to suffer from acute exhaustion. He made a note of this, and quickly came up with a revised training plan for the mid- and late parts of next season.

The next season was the team’s, and his, breakthrough. The squad had grown into a whole, and the mix of a strong and durable old guard with the swift and nimble young players proved a dangerous combination. His revised training regime left them with most of the benefits from last season and few of the drawbacks. He was also invited to co-coach the team along side Winger, involving planning strategy, picking formations and players. Their defense - the ideal layered Wall - worked perfectly, and they hardly ever conceded. It was his idea to slowly move the team away from pure obstruction to a possession based game, with strategically dispersed long balls targeting a single quick forward. It didn’t always work, but when it did it was often enough for them to win. And that made all the difference when they ended up in 3rd place in the 1982 season.

Personally this time was characterized by increasing strain between him and Harald. It was the 1980’s and Johannes Dahl’s Moderate Party/Center Party coalition government had ousted The Unionist Party for the first time in a long, long time. They quickly went about trying to implement many points on their grand reform agenda, for example the privatization of the Union Postal Service (UPS). Harald, who at this point was a popular junior lecturer at the University, had become increasingly radicalized and from the fan base of his industrial-punk band Fecal Fracas he had built a vibrant anarchic collective known as the Libertarian Nazi Party (LNP), who were responsible for all sorts of shenanigans across the North during the 1980’s and early 1990’s.

This «underground» force was officially out to disintegrate oppressing societal structures, but ironically most of their activities during the early 80’s consisted in targeting politicians that sought to change deeply traditional social and political structures, and the balancing act of advocating for both tearing down the state and defending the «welfare state» in LNP propaganda material quickly became utterly confusing. Harald’s experimentations with mind-altering drugs most likely contributed.

He was not a fan of the new government himself, but he distanced himself from Harold and the others because he found their methods repulsive. When they started venturing into targeting specific government individuals - like Gertrude Molineux - he severed all ties with Harald.

Towards the end ‘81 he met a woman’s called Ane through an acquaintance at the club. She was invested in local politics and headed a small local list of citizens who had only one point on their agenda, namely renovating the city’s sewage pipes. Their proposed investment budget was completely devoted to this one issue, and even though they collected more votes than you’d imagine, they remained isolated from power for the entire duration of their political life. Single-issue parties are perhaps never a very sustainable approach, but looking at the state of the Finntorp sewage system of today - and the estimated cost of getting it up to snuff - they probably had a point.

He and Ane shared a love for the northern landscape, the old traditional adventures - especially A Song of Slab and Gravel - and football. Ane was a native Finntorpian and a diehard Njaard fan. With that team now playing in the top tier - Allgnejsan - he ended up attending many of their matches. It gave him ample time to study many of the top tier teams, and he immediately started thinking about potential strategies one could use against the different teams. His initial ideas would soon serve him well as a basis for preparations, because the season of 1983 would see him and Gressbakken emerge at the top of the Leauge 2 table.

[Delte]

---

Delte 0–2 Saint Eleanor
Sports Correspondent Kim Samrodd at Tunn's Farm for the Askirk Harpoon & Daily Herald

---

I won't dwell overly long on the finer details of this match, because regulations state:

No wholesale changes of the Eleanorian squad ("wholesale" being whatever I define as wholesale - but please don't be afraid to start or bring on a few listed subs) no more than two red cards or other forms of ruling players out per match, unless I send you a telegram (via Saint Eleanor) or Discord message to the contrary no injuries outside the groups and last sixteen (inclusive), and even then no longer than one game, again unless I say otherwise please no other violations of bodily autonomy yes that means no deaths too here or elsewhere in Saint Eleanor or of Eleanorians elsewhere no trying to remove the manager, her assistant, or Eleanorian government officials from office (this includes no giving my staff members, named or unnamed, red or yellow cards - an area of the IRL Laws of the Game which I strongly disagree with on principle) absolutely no destruction of Saint Eleanor or significant areas thereof (I mean, we are in Delaclava) the Eleanorian media - especially SESB and The Reporter - reserves the right to fact-check obviously false claims about Evans, Mitcham junior, and their players Eleanorians do not take part in anthem protests, taking the knee or other similar political gestures in or around matches and so on and so forth et cetera et cetera and whatnot et cetera

- oof-ah - but certainly mention could be made of Guénolé-Tonnelier (Oli) Jonque's unfortunate series of mishaps that began with a mistimed back header straight into the path of Steve Pilchard to put the Eleanori ahead at the break; followed with a penalty miss just after half time in a poor attempt to make amends, crowned with an own-goal late in the second half and concluded with a sending off for two bookable arguments. The prequel was an early slip on the fast playing surface during warm-ups that ended with head-butting a pitch-side advertising screen. Perhaps a concussion explains all the following mishaps and calls into question safe protocols for in-game head injuries. Should he have been substituted before he even started? Or was he just having a bad day?

Talking of bad days. At the same time, or maybe a few minutes before...

---

Betty's Bean Attacked
Junior Pencil Sharpener Polka Lunn at the Women's Institute in Rake Teinton for the Shingarter Herald

---

Two masked octagenarians attending the Rake Teinton Annual Fete at the village hall targetted the painting competition and in particular controversial WI Old Wives' Gala Queen Betty Ormray's latest attempt for the gold medal, 'Bucolic Scene #7', with two tins of baked beans - symbolic as all that remains in the WI larder ahead of Betty's Autumn Statement later today, which is expected to set out the dismal financial prospects for the decades ahead. Ona Toughmoss and Hatty Tann of the Sunny Aspects Retirement Home in nearby Shingarter have been named as the chief suspects as they have been missing from their rooms for several hours and are well known in the district for their political shenaningans. Betty has so far been unavailable for comment.

This has been Polka Lunn in the countryside. I hear The Special Deltic-Cooperite Away Team will play Audioslavia again in the Cup of Harmony, and will hope to preserve their unbeaten record against the former World Champions and reigning Harmonies. Which is nice.

---

The Rushmori Boat People
6/7 : Inspired by Dom-Cooper Darke

---

“Thee’s blummin’ lost and blummin’ found, stuck in blummin’ Oswarktown” opined the old punk rocker, performing his hit poem ‘Evidently Margaret’.

The crowd at the Six of Staves pub, packed like blummin’ sardines, took up Don-Cooper Darke’s lines in a passionate chant about the disappointing late night bus service to Overtane (or blummin’ lack thereof). Darra Cankal, the only Sicoutinaise speaker in the pub (and the whole valley) had given up trying to translate in time with the poet for his associate and new friend, coach Romain Rivière, who could hardly speak a word of the local lingo. Darra, infact, had given up after the first line of the first poem ‘I’ve Got A Brand New (Ediraf) Track Suit’ when he got tangled up in two-tone stretch nylon yellow stripes on navy blue and lost his rhythm. It didn’t matter much. Monsieur Rivière was captivated by the leathery old poet and his machine-gun recitals. He didn’t need to understand to enjoy.

“I would like him to perform in the Salle des Fêtes,” said Romain after the show, referring to the Hagness village hall, “do you think he would come? I think my people would love him.”

“Trust me,” said Darra, in Sicoutinaise, “Don would perform anywhere for the price of a train ticket and a crate of DPA.*”

One word of Anglican the Cooperites had all learned was ‘cooper’ - the direct translation for tonnelier, hence becoming the Coopers or Cooperites, people of the Cooper River, Rivière Tonnelier in their own tongue. Still a bit sensitive, three months on, from being invaded purged and ethnically cleansed by the Dagan militia, the fleeing Rushmori boat people had adopted surnames of protest when asked to register with the the Deltic customs’ house upon arrival in the valley. So there were Assassinés, Le Tombes’, Nomarques and Gastineaus (The Killed, The Graves, the No-names and Wasted Waters, for example) by the plenty. Many used Tonnelier to recall their homeland, including the leader of the community, Cònsol Rosalyne Tonnelier. When she heard about this Don-Cooper Darke, a famous poet of the valley, she sent Monsieur Rivière to investigate. He had given her an idea.

In due course, the rocking poet did perform at the Salle des Fêtes in Hagness to an astounded but appreciative audience of the Cooperites, who instantly took him as their favourite celebrity and paid him in lashings of DPA and their own moonshine tonic, Hagnetheglin. Don being Don, he naturally rather enjoyed it, perhaps a little too much. The end of his show went a bit bendy but they loved him all the more and packed him on a train back to Oswark with a promise that he had a home in Hagness whenever he needed it.

Inspired by Don-Cooper Darke, and determined to remind the world of what had become of the Rushmori boat people, Cònsol Rosalyne decreed that all the strapping lads of The Special Deltic-Cooperite Away Team would adopt his nomenclatorial prediliction and take ‘-Tonnelier’ as a given name suffix for the duration of the tournament in Delaclava.

---

* Deltic Pale Ale.

[Cabo Azure]

Atheara 1-3 Cabo Azure
Scorers: de Lima (25'), Corte-Real (46'), Cardoso (76')

“Five out of Six”, pt 5
A small bell tinkled as Sonia Vargas pushed open the door to her family’s store, a sound so familiar she could almost supply it from memory. It was winter, and the small island of Sao Cristobal was inundated in the type of rainstorm that turned the dirt roads to mud and set rivers of water pouring out of the gutters of the houses. Days like this her father would close the store early and pick her up from school in his truck–normally, she had to walk to the other side of town to the school–and they’d heat up frozen dinners from the store and watch television shows on VHS with her mother and brothers until the evening. The memory made her smile as she stepped in out of the rain.

“Runt,” said a voice behind the counter. “You made it. We didn’t know if you’d come.”

“Lucky my boat’s captain wasn’t from Aho.”

The statement was a subtle barb directed at the island where Sonia now resided part-time as a member of the Cabo Azure National Assembly. She’d found a lot to like in Sao Simone, the capital and largest city on Aho, and had in fact found the people there to be as skilled mariners as those from her home island, but she had to play to the stereotype that Azureans from the “big islands” were spoiled and soft, almost as spoiled and soft as mainlanders. Politics was getting to her.

Pulling off her duck cotton jacket, Sonia made her way around the counter to hug Victor, the second-oldest of her three brothers, who was working the till. Sonia was the youngest, the only girl–hence the name “Runt”–and also the only Vargas sibling to make it off Sao Cristobal. Victor worked at the store for their father, while Alonzo, the oldest, was first mate on a fishing trawler and the youngest, Tomas, was a policeman. Sonia was still employed by the store–she would start splitting shifts with Victor in a week or so until the Assembly was back in session–but she was looking for a job that would keep her in Sao Simone full-time, the better to support her political ambitions.

“How are things here?” she asked Victor.

“Same as always. Tell me about Sao Simone.”

“What’s there to tell?” Sonia deflected. “It’s busy, it’s hot, there’s people and trash everywhere.”

“Is that why you never come home anymore?”

Sonia couldn’t help laughing. Of her immediate family, she’d always been closest to Victor, and he’d always been able to see through her bullshit. When her first boyfriend–Rico Arteaga, who now worked with Tomas on the police force–broke up with her, Victor had been the one to take her to the wharf to throw rocks and curse his name.

“It’s a good thing I don’t have to work with you,” she groused, “I could never lie to you.”

“You’re just a shitty liar,” Victor teased, “So, is it Sao Simone you like, or the lifestyle?”

“Definitely the lifestyle,” Sonia said, nodding, “It’s nice having someone else make my coffee, you know. And I like the work. I like getting our people what they need.”

“Profits are up,” Victor reflected. “Ever since the trade deal with Eura went through, our distributors switched to getting their staples from there. Prices are stable, and we don’t pay through the nose for candy and sodas like we used to.”

“That’s good to hear,” Sonia smiled. She could tell Victor had been waiting to tell her that. When she’d gone away to Sao Simone a year and some change ago, she’d promised her family and the other people in Sao Cristobal she’d bring them meaningful change, and the Eura trade deal was the first thing she could put her name on that had a meaningful impact at home. She knew she couldn’t stop there, though; the seas were changing around Cabo Azure, and she had a role to play in steering the course.

Over dinner that night, her father quizzed her about the finer points of the Eura deal and the election that was on the horizon for 2022, the summer of World Cup 93. Her mother and the boys mainly stayed quiet; until Sonia expressed an interest in politics, he’d been the only one in the house who maintained opinions on current affairs. While Sonia would have rather spent the time discussing the minutiae of the store or local gossip, the politician in her recognized the opportunity. Her father was a pillar of the community, the main driving force in getting her elected in the first place, and he would go out of his way to sell her talking points to his friends and neighbors. Getting her point across to him meant getting it across to the island.

“So this deal with Eura,” he said in an argumentative tone, “Kind of a deal with the devil, isn’t it? How sure are we that they aren’t going to leverage it against us?”

Sonia knew her father was being contrarian, but she still gritted her teeth against the wave of irritation that overtook her. Here she’d won a real victory for people like him, for him specifically, and all he could do was question it with some outdated rhetoric. She took a breath.

“Leverage it against us how?”

“You know what I mean,” her father chided. “We become dependent on Eura, and they get a much greater say in our internal affairs.”

“If Sao Simone were a city in Eura, it wouldn’t be in the top 100 in terms of population,” Sonia explained coolly. “A country of a billion people need not concern itself with the affairs of half a million. We’re a place for Eurans to do business, nothing more.”

“Isn’t getting closer to Eura going to piss off Quebec?” Tomas chimed in. “What about Camp Canarinho?”

“Camp Canarinho is an eyesore and a national embarrassment,” Sonia said, eyes fixed on the tabletop. “How would you like it if ten thousand Quebecois descended on Sao Cristobal to drink and fuck every weekend? And its military purpose is largely irrelevant to Eura, so much so that it wasn’t even discussed during the talks. Need I remind you how small of a fish we are?”

“How is it an embarrassment?” asked Alonzo, “It deters invasion from Nephara.”

“Maybe, but so does international trade and the fact that Nephara hasn’t fought an offensive war in generations,” Sonia argued. “I say Camp Canarinho is an embarrassment because it is the result of a deal that was made between the Quebecois government and the Gang of Seven. Honoring the debt incurred by the Gang of Seven gives legitimacy to that farce of a government and holds us back.”

“Honoring debts is the only reason we have a country!” Sonia’s mother exclaimed suddenly. “You were too young, but when Queen Abigail negotiated the transfer of power, she specified that the new government would honor the country’s debts to ensure that foreign powers wouldn’t intervene.”

“Queen Abby played the hand she was dealt,” Sonia conceded. “Our negotiating position was weaker back then. Now we can negotiate better terms.”

“Negotiating better terms isn’t the same thing as canceling debt, Sonia,” Victor, ever business-minded, reminded her. “I see your point, though. Camp Canarinho is overkill for what it is.” The discussion closed. “So your plan is to, what, make trade deals with Isles of Avon and New Gelderland the same way you did with Eura?”

“Not exactly,” Sonia hedged. “Eura is huge, and our trade agreement with them boils down to raw materials for consumer goods. With countries closer to our own size, we can negotiate more nuanced deals.”

[Delaclava]

DELACLAVA 2–1 Mertagne
Martin 25' Meyer 81' | Prost 37'
James; Baxayev, Champagne, Zhusupov, Barry; Bartoš, Romeijn, Tudor (Lindblad 46'), Martin (Gretler 73'), Anagnakis (Kovalev 46'), Meyer.

With both teams putting together the body of work to secure berths in the Round of 16, all there was to play for was bragging rights, the group title, and a different probability of facing Brenecia depending on what they decided to do. In any case, the reduced stakes of the game had no effect on the size and enthusiasm of the crowd at Golden Phoenix Field, all 150,000 seats needed, although not much for sitting. To the delight of the crowd, former Emerald Ball winner Kazuo Martin tallied a rare goal off a failed clearance of a corner kick, opportunely bringing the ball down just outside the penalty area and guiding the ball through traffic. Frederick Prost would equal the score not long after, heading home a free kick, and for much of the remainder it appeared the two sides would draw, which would have left Mertagne atop the table. With Cardenao safely leading The Jovannic, that would have meant Delaclava would face the hotter but less experienced Cardenao side. Inquiring minds will debate whether it was still wise to play for the win, but it's not in the Phoenixes' nature to settle for one, and they broke through with some beautiful interaction between Lukas Meyer and Mathias Gretler that left Meyer for an easy tap-in. Brenecia is a top-10 team, but their failure to qualify and their crushing loss to Cardenao shows they are vulnerable. Why can't a team, offensively high-powered, playing at home, and historically capable of miracles take advantage?

Phoenixes saddened by Juven fan behavior

While the Delaclava national team has largely been preoccupied with their performance on their own soil, many have also taken note of the goings-on in the other half of the draw, conducted in Rushmori nation Ceni. And nearly all have observed one of the biggest stories to come out of that portion of the tournament: the behavior of the Juvencus supporters.

"It pisses me off," said captain Lukas Meyer in a press conference after the team's 2-1 win over Mertagne. "It's never acceptable, for starters. What they've done is abhorrent and has no place in sport. But this is the Cup of Harmony and they've missed the whole point."

The Juvencus team have performed well in their own right so far. Although the Sonnelian team didn't get to stay in their own region for the tournament, they overcame an opening loss to win three straight games in Ceni and advance to the Round of 16 as winners of Group A. However, much of the international news coverage has not emphasized what Juvencus has done on the pitch, but rather what they've done in the bleachers. That winning streak started with a 3-2 victory over Ceni that was marred by the supporters constantly raining down racist and homophobic slurs.

"It's well known that the two host nations have an especially high prevalence of gay and queer individuals," said Meyer. The forward himself has had numerous homosexual relationships during his career. "They knew exactly what they were doing. They didn't do it to be jerks. They meant it directly to hurt their opponents."

The Juven fans' subsequent behavior gives credence to that assertion. In a 5-2 victory over Bears Armed, supporters of La squadra changed up their vocabulary by insulting the intelligence and abilities of their ursine adversaries.

The Juven Football Association has condemned and apologized for their fans' behavior, and has pledged to sanction any individuals who are discovered to participate in the verbal abuse. However, there is sentiment on the Delaclav team that it is too little, too late. "The organizers should send a stronger message," said forward Mathias Gretler. Gretler has frequently spoken about his younger sister, who lives with several developmental disabilities, and has said she is his biggest inspiration. "This is an invitational tournament, no one has the right to be here, especially not those who disrespect the game like this. The FA says this is not indicative of them, not indicative of their people. I disagree. The team and the fans represent their nation whether at home or abroad. If they cannot appropriately carry that responsibility, they must be disqualified and banned from the tournament."

Such an extreme remedy seems unlikely, but it is not without support on the Delaclav team, with veteran defender Josh Torres saying, "When you're doing the right thing, you don't care about convenience or controversy. Disqualify Juvencus and figure out the rest later," and midfielder Varlam Kovalev suggesting, "Ceni was in third place, it would be fitting if Juvencus were to be kicked out and Ceni replaced them in the next round."

The Delaclav Football Association released a statement reading: "We condemn the actions of the Juvencus fans, and we are offering all assistance to our co-hosts, the Cenian Football Association, and to all organizers and law enforcement to punish and deter this behavior." The DFA president, Roman Ivanovic, has said in his own capacity, "We are not as hands-on with the logistics in Ceni, of course, but we have some feet on the ground, and we might be wringing some necks there." He also suggested that he will push for Nwabueze Okwaudigbo - the referee who only took action in the form of a red card against Cenian striker Iain Cyn-Penzag for his "double bird" to the Juven fans - to be removed from the tournament and suspended.

Meanwhile, the Minister of Culture, Megeddy, has suggested he will push for Juven fans to be denied entry to Delaclava if Juvencus ends up switching nations during the course of the tournament, and even for visas of players and supporters to be rejected in the future. "Anyone who comes into our country is our guest. We are open to have visitors, tourists, new residents, but there is a certain code of conduct and we reserve the right to demand someone leave or not come in if they refuse to abide."

Such an action might be seen to fly in the face of Delaclav-Juven relations just as they were opened weeks ago. And Mark Baldelli, Ambassador of Delaclava to Juvencus, pleaded for hotter heads to put away the pitchforks. "I ask everyone, if there needs to be a greater conversation between our two countries, to give us time to have that conversation. Of course nobody wants this to have happened."

The two teams last played twice during World Cup 90, with Juvencus winning 5-2 at home before Delaclava returned serve with a 4-3 victory in Athens. None of the Delaclav players on that team could recall any verbal assaults similar to the ones at hand, with Meyer saying, "There's always some jibes, some banter coming from the crowd, but nothing like this. You remember when things like this happen to you."

Juvencus next faces Mercedini, while Delaclava plays Brenecia in the Round of 16. The Phoenixes and La squadra could not play until the final or third-place playoff.

[Pasarga]

Queen Azra stood at the podium, waiting for the little red light to illuminate itself and indicate that she would be live and broadcasting to the entirety of the nation. It would be the first public appearance by the Queen since the attempted overthrowing of the government and the subsequent coalition forces stopping the coup in progress. Those that had been displaced by the short lived rebel attack and government were filtering back to their former homes and occupations, while repairs were already underway in Torgos and Troubalose where the fighting had cause destruction to both public and private establishments. Although the financials were strained, the government was funding the entire rebuilding effort, as long as those effected filed the proper paperwork and had a government representative verify the claims. The Queen and Parliament wanted to help those who had been effected the most by the fighting but they did not wish to have those who would attempt to take advantage of the situation with the available coin that had been set aside for the initiative.

It was beyond time to address the nation and to get things back to normalcy, if that could ever looked to be obtained after what they all had just been through. Normalcy would likely never quite feel the same again, for much of north and central Pargis, as well as the Queen and her family. It was in this moment that she was reminded of an old saying that she often had overheard about what was perceived as the normal, "For what is normal for a spider is chaos for the fly". Perceptions were all unique and nearly everyone would have a different outlook on the entire "succession crisis" leading up this these plot to overthrow the monarchy as it seemed to unfold to be. Thousands had apparently thought what the rebels were plotting and fighting for had been a good idea, how was she supposed to reconcile that with everything that she knew and had been taught to be true. What would be the right form of justice for those who had been apprehended in the attacks or had surrendered since the fall of the rebel government?

And then the red bulb that had been dim and dull suddenly was bright and vibrant, she was now speaking to the entirety of the Dual Islands.

"Good evening my fellow Pasargans. I greet you tonight after months of chaos, after weeks of turmoil, and after events that we believed could occur in our nations did in fact unfold. We have been bloodied and humbled in the last few weeks and months, made to realize that we are not in fact invincible here on our sacred home. Paradise does still have dangers around its corners, few enough that they may be." She paused, it was best to speak the truth, not to beat around the bush and try to pretend what had happened did not in fact happen. It would only likely further lead to those that that her position was no longer legitimate to thinking it further and growing those numbers exponentially. Pasarga could ill afford another catastrophe as it had just been witness to.

"Despite much effort being put into undermining what makes the nation great and the order of our beloved nation, we have stood firm and remain to stand tall in the face of adversity. Even now, we reach out to help those who have been hurt by the unfortunate events that have transpired, so that their burdens may soon be alleviated, as best they can be. We are a people who are at our strongest when we are working hand in hand, bringing each other up and ensuring that even the least fortunate of us are still able to be comforted. Compassion runs through our veins, it is the bloodflow that keeps the heart and mind going, it is why we were able to form this great nation after our flight from the dangers that pushed us out of our old homelands. Together we are strong, together we stand the test of time." Calling back to the flight of the Pariis and how the Pasargan people came to be would keep the more conservative parts of the society onside, reaffirming the identity of monarchy and her family's formation of the royal line.

"These rebels attempted to divide us, to use petty divisions to wedge a divide; island against island, family against family, sibling against sibling. This is not the Pasargan way, it is not our strength in unity and our deep well of compassion that has kept us forging forward even when it seemed we were destined to stagnate or regress. We learned from our mistakes in the past and we shall do so again, we will learn from this. As a result, upon his recovery, my brother Iskander will be named my designated heir until such time a time I produce my own heirs. Failing any heirs produced from my line, any children of Iskander will be made heirs to dual islands. Failing either my brother or myself producing any heirs, the throne will pass to our cousin Aslan and any heirs he produces. The Majistar family stands strong and united, there are no divisions within, and we will rebuild Pasarga to be as strong as she can be. Sargossa has already assured their support in doing so moving forward, as they were crucial in the coalition to defeating the rebels who attempted to send the nation into disarray. Together we a strong, as families, as a nation, as a region. That is the way forward."

[Yue Zhou]

It had been a pretty good year for Zhuang Weilun personally. He had become the top foreign policy voice in the Liberation Army, now the largest party in all of Yuezhou, and at a time when foreign policy was foremost in everybody's minds. Liang Ziyou had trusted him to craft an alternate policy approach to joining the CRC, owing to his history as a university professor, but not to actually run the campaign. This had worked out perfectly in practice, as Zhuang's proposals had raised his figure amongst those in Pavola pushing for a subregional identity, while those who actually worked on the ground were blamed for their defeat at the referendum. In the end, the polls were pretty accurate. CRC Accession had been approved by 61.3% of the Yue populace, within the margin of error of what everyone had predicted, and a hair over the sixty percent judged necessary for this to be legally binding.

Of course, it had also been a good year for Liang Ziyou, the nationalist politician who had become the most prominent critic of Zhen Qiang and Wu Zhongsheng, as well as the leader of a party with 115 of the Assembly's 300 seats. Not that you'd know it from his reaction to the result.

"Are there still votes coming in?" he'd asked Zhuang Weilun.

"A few. But not enough to get us over forty," the former academic said, as the two continued to watch live coverage on a screen in the corner of the conference room. The whole campaign staff had been bluntly dismissed earlier, so it was just Liang and Zhuang.

"Fuck!" Liang raged, then thought. "That two-thirds threshold we were talking about, for this to be legally binding. Can we still run with that? Dispute its legality? I mean, obviously, they got the votes for sixty, but we never agreed to sixty-"

"I mean, in theory, we could argue it, but we're not in government. Zhen will try to push through as much of the process as possible before his boss wakes up."

"Just our fucking luck," the Liberation Army leader griped. "We finally win enough of a mandate to push back on Wu's CRC policy, and then he has a stroke and gets replaced by a Bastion dickrider." Zhuang didn't really have anything to respond to that.

"You know, there might be some votes against actually pushing through a CRC accession agreement. We can frame it in national sovereignty, or try to force them to ask the CRC for some kind of Pavolan subrepresentation. Maybe talk to Græntfjall and get some deals through."

Liang was pensive. "Nah. Zhen Qiang's got that caucus under control. If they don't get a CRC deal through, Forward Path pulls out, and the government falls apart. Everyone on that side of the bench knows it, and with the left getting their shit back together..."

"There are some pretty hawkish guys in National Union still," Zhuang replied. "If you want to try to build a conservative coalition focused on foreign policy, siphon off a few votes, I could connect..."

"Don't you go making deals behind my back," snapped the reply. "We're not National Union, grubbing around for deals. We'll propose your policy to the Assembly, and what happens, happens."

I didn't say it was for you, Zhuang thought to himself, but said nothing. In the meantime, it looked like Zhen Qiang would have four years to integrate into the CRC as much as possible. Unless, of course, Wu Zhongsheng were to wake up...

[Juvencus]

AND THE RUN CONTINUES: URRUCHI FILLING CAMPANA'S SHOES WITH EASE


Despite the absences in star power with Callejon and Campana out, gli attaccanti score comfortable victory against Yuezhou

A multitude of good news for the Juven team and possibly a lot of the fans located in Ceni at the moment. A collaborative effort by the Juven Football Association as well as the Cenian Football Association led to many of the aggressors of the past few games to be thoroughly blocked access from the important game against Yuezhou. This led to the team's performance being actually enhanced by empowering chants and not chants directed against the Yuezhou fans, set aside several banter chants that were not racial, homophobic or ableist in nature. With a comfortable victory of 3-1, the team topped the group and managed to qualify to the round of 16 of the Cup of Harmony in the process.

With the absences of both the commanding presence of Callejon in the backline as well as the insanely fiery Campana up front being looming in the head of Madeiros, he assembled the team quite nicely for the matchday against Yuezhou. Their replacements in Coste and Urruchi proved to be vital in the team's play from very early on in the game. As a matter of fact, a sudden cross by Coste would find Cantù perfectly on the right side of the pitch and after a couple of dribbles would play the throughball for Urruchi who would chip the ball above Zhao's head. Despite the Yueren goalkeeper touching the ball with the tip of his fingers the ball would ultimately end inside for the ice to break. Celebrations would not stop quick enough however, as this time a well-weighed Santini cross would be capitalised by a magnificent Martell bicycle kick to make it 2-0. A barrage of opportunities would follow, both from close and from long distance, but seeing as Zhao was in the form of a lifetime it was hard to get through. A very dangerous Urruchi rocket in the dying minutes of the half would hit the crossbar. On the counter-attack that followed, a run by Luo Nanwei would be converted into a hazardous chance by Jieren, however, Ungaro would be there to save the day.

In half-time, several semi-offensive chants followed, but seeing the increased Cenian security on the Juven side of the stadium, all perpetrators were caught and promptly kicked out of the stadium. The remaining Juven fans congratulated the act but kept saying some very suspiciois banter chants for the remainder of the game, much to the disliking of the Cenian administration.

The second half was not the start la squadra would have ideally wanted to maintain its dominance in the game. A very sudden shot by Li Jing, the captain of the Yueren team ended up hitting the top left half of Ungaro's goal, rendering him unable to react on time. This would be however a very regrettable action by the Yuezhou team as gli attaccanti refrained from going aggressively and instead focused on maintaining possession in a way to make the Yueren players retaliate on the pitch. In what felt as old school Juvencus tactics taking a short term return, an opportunity in the form of an opening presented itself. In the 77th minute, substituted Acquati would make a speedy spring around the pitch, and when taking the ball in her possession would make another tiresome run on which side tired the entire ride sight of the Yueren defence before passing the ball to Urruchi to score yet again for the team, making it 3-1, which would be the final scoreline of the game.

With the team's resounding victory over Yuezhou on the last matchday, gli attaccanti moved to first place of group A and will be heading to the round of 16 of the Cup of Harmony where it will face familiar foes in Mercedini at the Westgreen Park Stadium in Westgreen, Ceni.

"This tournament is far from over. We are certainly happy for our victory against Yuezhou, but the best is ahead." were MVP Urruchi's comments after the game.

[Delaclava]

Cooking a tuna steak right now. Reminds me of that old riddle: what's the difference between a piano and a fish? Answer: you can't play this on a fish.

Round of 16 cutoff!

---

Round of 16

Juvencus 2–0 Mercedini
Cabo Azure 0–0 Gnejs (0–2 AET)
Pasarga 3–0 The Holy Empire
Adab 2–2 Yuezhou (2–3 AET)

Quarterfinals

Juvencus vs. Gnejs
Pasarga vs. Yuezhou

[Cardenao]

Diego de Maria Valenzuela was nervous. And that made him nervous because he never got nervous. That was his whole thing. Diego Valenzuela mature beyond his years, unfailable, unflappable, he was Mr. Cool from his first professional appearance when he was 16, now eight long years ago.

Diego had always looked older, acted older, felt older. He was barely four when he joined his father Fabrizio Valenzuela spearfishing off the southern coast of Isla Maria, most children don’t participate in that sort of fishing until they were older. But not Diego de Maria Valenzuela. He was cooler than cool, he was ice cold.

His whole footballing career was one long blur of the same thing; commanding calmness exactly like you’d want in your defensive midfielder. He had captained every youth team and now the senior team, and when on the pitch, Deigo V executed the fundamentals perfectly. Nice easy safe passes. Calmly cutting out passing lanes and stealing interceptions without breaking a sweat. Twice per season he was due for a textbook outside the box clean hit into the upper corner of the net. Textbook, tactical, technical. Ice cold.

But now Diego Valenzuela was anything but cold. Cleopatrana, Delaclava was hot as fuck, with the sun baking down on the city and Atlantis Casino Gardens. The air in the tunnel was hot and tale, with Diego feeling sweat everywhere on his body. Everywhere.

Diego looked down at the beautiful ocean blue colored kit he was wearing, with the 13 Island Stars in beautiful gold blazed across his chest. It was a beautiful kit and he thought back to when he pulled it on for the first time, back in the 78th Baptism of Fire. And now look at where he and the team were.

The Cup of Harmony Round of 16. It was only Cardeano’s second World Cup cycle but the progress had been immediate and tremendous. From the incredible performance in the 91st World Cup where a debutant country came so close to qualification to the disappointment of the 92nd edition, to here. Four group stage matches, four wins.

Diego pulled the Captain’s band over his arm, he had been given that responsibility going into this Cup of Harmony and he was proud to have led the team to this moment. He closed his eyes, all Diego could hear was his heart beating in his ears, all he could feel was his stomach rumbling and a bead of sweat running down his temple and chin, all he could see was the glow of the afternoon sun out at the end of the tunnel where tens of thousands of his countrymen were packed in the stands to watch their gladiators do football battle. He looked behind him. Juanma Saez, the striking sensation who plied his trade for the Parakleon Firebirds in Tikariot, was standing there chewing away on his trademark gum. Not a single hair misplaced, not a single sign of nervousness or care in the world as the man with 33 goals in 55 games for the national team. Juanma nodded to his captain, staring forward chewing his gum, imagining the game, El Pistolero.

Diego flinched as the referee blew his whistle to get them going out of the tunnel, “what the hell was that about??” he asked, trying to get the shrillness out of his ear. Diego didn’t recognize this referee, Diego didn’t like referees. Officials always think they know best, always think they’re the ones to set the tempo. Diego didn’t like that, Diego didn’t like officials.

So this was it then, Diego thought to himself as the two teams marched out of the tunnel. A knockout game. Cardenao’s first and possibly only, you never know with this sort of stuff.

As he stepped up out of the darkness onto the pitch, the whistle in his ears was demolished by an explosion of thoughtless, guttural, heartfelt cheering. So much cheering! Yelling and screaming and cheering, such an outpour of emotion Diego feared it might physically manifest itself and spill out from the stands onto the field, sweeping him away out to sea. Tens of thousands of Cardenaoans here in the Atlantis Casino Gardens stadium cheering on their soldiers. Those fans outside the stadium in the fan fests set up around the city of Cleopatrana, and the millions of people home in Cardenao watching on TV (if they were one of the lucky few to have a functioning television), watching at the bar, the electronics store, gathered in the streets at the huge television screens President Mihaly had organized, with free food and drink for all.

Diego de Maria Valuneza felt alive and broke into a huge smile. How could one not smile seeing his fellow countryman’s happiness? For so long there has been so much pain, but this…this was different he thought to himself. But this was excitement. This was love. This was…Diego took up his customary position at the heart of midfield, looking at the lads from Mertagne, the Green Goblins.

This was…Diego struggled to remember the word and looked up at the cheering stands all around him, spinning around trying to take it all in. Smiles and cheers and passion and…

He gave a final adjustment to his captain's band, smoothed the front of his kit down, and kissed the beautiful flag of Cardenao sewn over his heart.

This was…hope.

The whistle blew.

Game on!

[Audioslavia]

Must Completes Herald Acquisition
Jaffacake Walks, Hundreds Fired

The sale of Audioslavian institution The Cathair Herald to billionaire ghostbusting merchant Egon Must has been met with widespread acclaim, with the young self-made go-geddem post-modern post-industrialist hunk Egon Must's popularity as high as ever.

There were those that were worried Must-related news would be artificially pushed to the front pages of the newspaper, but in reality we're merely choosing to print news about the aerospace-turned-media magnate because his popularity means anything he does is public interest.

What is also in the public interest, as most articles on the first few pages with imply at some point, is driving electric cars through claustrophobic tubes instead of using efficient public transport is the only real way to travel and anything else is for socialist squares.

Former editor Jeremy Jaffacake quit his position a day before the acquisition, and has not been seen or heard from since. His successor, Egonius Mustard Júnior, has done a much better job as editor, a job for which he has a knack.

Criticism of Egonius Mustard Senior, is of course, unfounded. There are those who say his decision to suddenly shut down the electricity in the offices, citing that the Electricity Bill was expensive and they were producing a paper newspaper so why did they need electrics lol, while initially panned, has proven to be a masterstroke as it taught Egonius that computers actually power word processors and printing machines, both of which he wasn't sure of before, so now I'mhe (note to self, change this later) even smarter than he was before. One small drawback of this was the loss of two days revenue, missing an edition for the first time in two hundred years, and the fact that six major advertisers pulled out as a result, but these drawbacks can be discounted.

Must has hinted that he may be attending the Cup of Harmony to cheer on, and write about, the Audioslavia team as they gear up for a crucial second round clash with the dangerous Delte. Despite never having thought about sport before, Must is probably an expert at this and most likely a person who knows more than Jeremy Jaffacke.

Reports of the so-called 'imminent closure' of the Herald is fake news.

Have you ever considered becoming a journalist for the Cathair Herald? Well now you can! For eight dollars a month, you will be given leave to write as many articles as you like, which totally comes with all the prestige of having *earned* a job writing.