
The Turnip: Secrets behind the Eagle's Club
by Billiam Maskey, chief-editor-in-chief
Well how rude! Those Vilitans and those Turorians keep refusing to give The Turnip entry into """The Eagle's Club""", the supposed sponsor of the Eagles Cup. Fine! We'll create our own club with blackjack and hookers instead! But before we do that, we have an insider source who is willing to throw down all that goss as to what really happens behind the scenes at The Eagle's Club.
1. There always was, and there always will be two factions doing battle against each other for the hearts and minds of the Eagle(')s Club
Ever since time immemorial, there have been two factions -- good and evil, that have done battle inside The Eagle's Club for the spirit of the club. This conflict revolves around whether an apostrophe should appear in the phrase "Eagle's Cup". At least a hundred lives have been lost over this noble fight, with the apostrophe-loving pedantic grammarians of Eauz completely cancelling out the apostrophe-anarchists of Kingsford. That's why these two nations have not participated in the "Eagles Cup" since the modern times -- both teams of football players completely wiped each other out in the club, and their names are never spoken of ever again. Indeed, one just has to look at the glossy brochure that the Eagle's Club has put out concerning the history of the Eagles Club:
"The Eagle's Club is proud to present Eagles Cup, a modern era re-incarnation of the historic Eagle's Cup."
It looks like the battle between good and evil continues. Who is good and who is evil? You be the judge.
2. The clubhouse has some very weird drinks
Well, leaving aside the dramatic battles of the Eagles Club, they have some rather ... rarefied drinks steeped in tradition. These include a drink made up of the liquified crushed up cocoabo feathers served inside a Tropicorp ball, a beet juice that doubles up as a natural laxative (because of course, they are a shit root vegetable), and even raw eagle's egg smoothie, which is basically just six mixed up eagles egg -- protein heavy for any Eagle's Cup player. Of course, our clubhouse is going to be much cooler: we're going to have only one drink, the Şalgam, which is best eaten after a kebab. You can't even order a kebab at the Eagles Club! Too much carbs and too much Cocoabo meat they proclaim, pfft, you think you are better than us with your healthy eating. Think again busters!
3. Northwest Kalactin is a fake country
In all of our extensive records digging, Northwest Kalactin has never ever won the Eagle's Cup. Yet, they have somehow been allocated to the Eagles Club group, despite no record of their win. Intriguing, I know. Therefore, there is only one rational conclusion we can draw: the entire country of Northwest Kalactin is a marketing gimmick of the Eagle's Club so as to round out the numbers. As everyone knows, there are exactly fifteen countries that are deranged enough to enter the Eagle's Cup. I mean, seeing Electrum in the list of participants says it all really. If Northwest Kalactin is real, then where is Southeast Kalactin? Or the original Kalactin? Will the real Kalactin stand up? No, of course we won't see that happen, because Northwest Kalactin is just a fiction invented by the Eagles Club to sell more tickets or something.







(68’ Nilsson
), Reynarsson, Bensson, Lúthersdóttir; Tronsson
(28’)
(68’), Jvarsson
(88’ pen.), Ásvaldursson 



































































(117’)); Dione