Liga-TQ

[Tequilo]

TAPALUPÉ, TEQUILO - Welcome to the third season of Liga-TQ, Tequilo's premier domestic pitxi (football) competition; the early signs are good - revenues are up, attendances were impressive, commercial opportunities are on the increase and we've even got some foreign types in the league now. Not to mention some fancy graphics on the newswire... sit back, enjoy the gloss, and watch the season unfold.

---

LIGA-TQ SEASON THREE
INTRODUCTION

---

As per the first two seasons Liga-TQ sits as an extension to the state championships, which divide into six leagues of sixty plus clubs with full pyramids under each of the three-division leagues. At the end of the State Championships, teams qualify on merit for the 'closura' - the Liga-TQ.

For the final time before a major restructure for season 4, Liga-TQ itself divides into three top flight sections, each one made up of six teams - the Primera for the six state champions; the Proxima for the six state runners-up, and the Piqueña for the six third-placed teams of the state championships. Each division of six plays a home-away round robin of ten games within their group, to decide a final table of 18. The winner of the Primera will thus be declared the national champion and win a place in the IFCF Champions League, while second, third and fourth in this division will be awarded births in the IFCF Challenger's Cup. We hope this year that fifth placed in the Primera will receive an invitation to the Vilitan Cove for a little holiday football to spice up next season, meaning only the last place in the top six will miss out on some extra-curricular pitxi.

This season, Florentino will fight to defend their crown as second winners of Liga-TQ and reigning national champions; with Pitxi-Pitxi 77 looking to win back their place at the top, and a host of pretenders queuing up for their chance; not least of whom is Motozintla, spending wildly to make themselves great again, and Haïtiens, with their Grupo Taxhavn billions, hoping to make themselves great, not 'again', but more like 'at last'. 125 years of underachievement is a big project...

In order to confirm places for the Liga-B Trophy, the winners of each state second tier - the 2-Sección - will also compete in an end of season competition, the Liga-TQ2 Eliminatorio, to decide the second tier national winner and the three births for the Trophy.

Read on for more details of how things will shake up next season, including a lot - and we really mean a lot - of relegations at the end of this season's state championships as Liga-TQ reshuffles and expands.

Once again for this season, the Liga-J national championship for youth teams also expands, now to three divisions, with six additional teams joining the bottom four teams from last season's Liga-J2 to compete in Liga-J3. Next season will see the introduction of the 'Regionala' - increasing the pyramind at a more local level for clubs below the top three tiers.

---

NEWS: LIGA-TQ AGM, MUSEO DE PITXI
THE CAROLINA PLAN: RESTRUCTURING FOR CHAMPIONS, SEASON FOUR

---

At Big Ten club Fábrica, the board of directors always seem to be too busy when the annual Liga-TQ General Meeting comes around, off on their jet-skis and speed boats in a fancy tax-free resort like Ipanema or Taxhavn or the principality of Mustardy. So they send poor put-on commercial shop manager Carolina Ruiz to the meetings, to listen to all that the powerful chairmen and women have got to say, take some notes, deliver any messages and to report back on how it all goes in the fancy meeting rooms of the Museo de Pitxi, the Tequiloan FA's HQ, in Tapalupé. Last year she got a bit ahead of herself and threw an idea into the pot that led to the adoption of the 'Cosmopolitos Amendment' - permitting unlimited foreign players to feature in Liga-TQ, largely for the benefit of widening television audiences, increasing shirt sales, encouraging pitxi tourism... generally leveraging as many chèlinpesos from the game as possible. Well done Señora Ruiz - it certainly worked. And here we are again at the AGM, and all the Fábrica aristocracy on annual retreat in Mustardy, and the poor nervous shopkeeper raising her hand with trepidation and another idea, as the big clubs fight about having easier access to Liga-TQ.

Some of course are calling it a power grab. Big clubs want to be in the Liga-TQ every year, and right now that's conditional on their finishing in the top three of the state league. Big clubs complain that if they are national champions one year, but then finish second in the state league the following season, they can't defend their Liga-TQ title. They end up going into the second tier of six clubs in Liga-TQ Proxima division, with no hope of finishing top of the league. Further, there has been an almighty row about qualifying slots for the IFCF Liga B Champions Trophy - with big clubs arguing that if they end up in the Proxima, they should compete for those slots as they are in the second tier of national football. But the FA sees it different - the best teams from the state championships second tier should have those slots. Big clubs are also arguing that ten games in post-season is not enough, but there should be a reduction in the number of state games - however that would break with the idea that the state championships remain the principal tournament of the season: even though everyone knows the states have already been relegated to second string behind Liga-TQs growing power. Confused? You will be.

"Expand Liga-TQ divisions to ten teams," suggests Carolina Ruiz, nervously, "to include all six state champions in the Primera division with three runners-up decided from play-off matches, and the reigning champion who is guaranteed the chance to defend their title."

While the wise chairpersons of the Big Ten nod and contemplate her idea, she does some quick maths, and adds "a Proxima and Pequeña [second and third tiers of Liga-TQ] of ten teams means some fifth and possibly even sixth placed teams would have a chance of getting into the league each season."

The chairfolk are quickly sold on the idea. They can work out the details later, they agree, but it seems that reducing the state championship top tier to ten teams, and increasing Liga-TQ to 30 teams overall, means qualifying clubs will play 18 games in the states and 18 in the nationals. Carolina also comes up with a cunning plan for those that don't qualify for the nationals, and are finished after only 18 games - "they go again, combining them into interstate leagues for another 18 games of their own."

"But," wondered Liga-TQ Chief Statto Señor Martín Escorinato, "what about managing all the scorinations - I mean, statistical collection, excuse my Paripanense - because that is going to be massively complicated?"

"You'll just have to get up earlier in the morning," said the Commissioner of Liga-TQ, Pablo Invocador, helpfully.

Señor Escorinato does have a point though, and a full explanation of how season 4 and beyond will work is an essay in it's own right, for another cut-off; what is important to understand for this season: relegations - so many relegations... Reducing the six state leagues' top flights to only ten teams next season, but ensuring that at least one team from a lower tier is promoted, means five teams will be relegated to the second tier. A similar pattern will happen in tier two of the state championships, which for one season only, will offer a single promotion sport and five relegations; whilst in tier three, four teams in each state will drop out of the championship - that's an apocalypse for twenty-four teams headed into the amateur wilderness of tier 4. As a sweetener, the UPT will offer an unprecedented guaranteed promotion spot (one only) from tier 4 in each state, every year.

---

NEXT UP: All the Season 3 club, manager and player transfer news, with added rumours and plain old salacious gossip.

[Tequilo]

---

OFF-SEASON NEWS & MOVES
CLUBS SHUFFLING THEIR PACKS BEFORE KICK-OFF

---

₸ = Tequiloan Chèlinpeso, the national currency, pegged close to 1:1 to the NS$

Money is moving Liga-TQ like never before... well, there wasn't really a before: the State Championships for 125 years, yes, but it was hardly much of a commercial venture. Liga-TQ was designed to change all that - to bring cash into the Tequiloan national sport, and on the back of that, glory. Apparently. Well, the cash is rolling. Another record-breaking off-season sees the largest transfer fees paid domestically, and internationally too as a brace of our very best players head off to new horizons, with foreign loot coming the other way. Not to mention two clubs with their own honey pots that they are starting to dip into: oh, go on then, lets mention them - Motozintla and Haïtiens. Backed by big cash, Moto and The Wights both loosen their purse strings, with Haïtiens ominously breaking Moto's record domestic transfer from last year as these two go head to head in the spending stakes. But they are not alone, with Pitxi-Pitxi 77 this years' big spenders, though they claw in a net profit with the heart-breaking sale of young champion Ixtub Tün to Olympia Borograd in Siovanija & Teusland.

---

THE HEADLINERS

---

VILCA HUALLA to KT ITZALOVALLE - ₸8m
It's a another record-breaking transfer in Tequilo as new national team captain Vilca Hualla finally gives up on the team of his youth, Índigo Huayna, unable as they seem to be in getting out of their depression. Joining Xaime Medal and Martí Calderon in the Audioslav exiles club, the attacking left-sided midfielder had a host of clubs to choose from including Shamrock Cathair, but clearly fancied the look of Itzi's prospects.

IXTUB TÜN to OLYMPIA BOROGRAD - ₸7.5m
Briefly the record transfer in Tequilo before Vilca Hualla's move, this was the one that left every 77o fan in despair as the young defensive midfield giant, surely to become one of the country's all-time greats, decided the time was right for a move abroad. Scouted by Olympia throughout the domestic season, he obviously felt they'd shown enough appreciation to jump ship for a new adventure. The 77o have promised to reinvest.

TESCO ZUNIGA to PITXI-PITXI 77 - ₸3m
"Let's go shopping, then," seems to have been the response from the 77o. Nobody knows what he looks like yet, but as the biggest fee spent by a Tequiloan club in the foreign transfer market, the small and speedy winger in the Audioslavian mould represents the first reinvestment of the 'Ixi Money' and in beating off plenty of competition for his signature from Artliglieria, the green-and-whites looks serious about their business in the super transfer market.

ROXELIO TORAN to HAÏTIENS - ₸4m
Competing directly with Motozintla for the signature of the nation's favourite striker, hot off his best domestic season in a good while, The Wights win the first battle of the big-money rivals to snaffle up Roxelio with a domestic transfer record and the overall highest fee paid by a Tequiloan club for any player. And Roxelio is not just any player... Anyone wondering if Grupo Taxhavn were serious about putting Haïtiens top of the pile must surely have their answer with this move.

TUTAYAN to CAZADORES CATHAIR - Free
Another big move to Audioslavia, this time the free transfer move of Tutayan who had signalled his intention to see out his final year at SC Raití anyway, but their relegation after financial irregularities put paid to any hope they had of turning him around. The national team winger, who had struggled to win his place with his club performing so poorly, will hope to win back a regular starting spot with this big move abroad.

---

THE BIG MONEY

---

Outside of the 10-Nacional (that's the members club for the ten most successful clubs of all time, commonly called The Big Ten) but with bags and bags of cash - more bags of cash, in fact, than a tunnel-full of sexy bankrobbers in red coveralls and 'Xali' masks at the Tequiloan state mint - two teams went head-to-head in the transfer market for the first time. With the capture of Roxelio Toran, one team surely scored first blood. But in a saga that could run and run, how did they fare against each other overall?

MOTOZINTLA
After missing out on their biggest target following Roxelio's outstanding season for Ciupa Azul, Moto made modest moves comparative to the previous season, their early signing of Brandon Nyassa from Real Gardaresso for ₸1.8m promised a dramatic window, but it never really happened for them - they also bid for Tesco Zuniga but lost out to Pitxi-Pitxi 77. Their only other signing was highly-rated lower league attacking midfielder Pachakusi, 21, from Espainaiko.

HAÏTIENS
The statement signing of Roxelio was the icing on a busy transfer cake for The Wights - let's not forget that despite all the hype, they are new promoted and were relegated from the top flight the season before. They needed to strengthen and certainly did that; their second big signing was Cosmopolito STL centreback Frank Kolar, ₸2.2m from Zvezda, while they delved into the international free agent market for no less than six players including Nepharim veteran Timo Blankman.

---

THE BIG TEN

---

As the 'royal family' of Tequiloan football, these ten clubs, members of 10-Nacional, expect to be in the shake-up at the end of every season, and between them are the teams with the most state titles so far - and both Liga-TQ national titles have gone to Big Ten clubs too. Ixtüb Tun and Tesco Zuniga aside, what have they been up to in the off-season?

FÁBRICA TAPALUPÉ
Looking to arrest a miserable downturn in fortunes over the last few seasons, Fábrica have promoted coach Francisco Javier Sandoval into the lead role, moving former head coach Axel Cortés 'upstairs' into the boardroom, although Axel indicates he considers himself unemployed. The club have backed Sandoval with the ₸1.6m signing of exciting young striker Anakleto, wanted by several top clubs, and Farv leftback Sâlämão, moving across town from Socrates.

ÁRGON TACRANZA
It's been a quiet recess for Argón, with very little movement as they are putting their faith in their hugely successful academy. Defender Estefanio Tassis went to Kyethas Rivermen in Tikariot for ₸1.8m, while Noa Aguiar-Okllo came in from troubled SC Raití; the club's main business for a second season was in promoting four academy stars including Léo Makeba and Hugo Rabellino who both impressed out on loan at El Quetan last season.

RESPLENDIENTE
The Crows surprisingly sold young rightback Baptiste Ndosi to Miruan City in Tikariot during the break, when most people felt the player was on course for great things at the club. There is a feeling the ₸2m fee was used to fund the signing of Zetan centreback Wlad Wlad, 24, from Ogroven Vanguardi FK, who arrived for a similar amount. Coach Ilhicadira is not one for rash moves and the success of virtual unknown Askari defender Cygnet Valeri last term suggests he is quietly building a force to be reckoned with at the Crow's Nest.

SC PEDREGAL
They simply refuse to make a big splash in the transfer market at Estadio San Pedro, and once again went with a mix of free transfers - the very experienced defensive midfielder Aleixo Claver arriving from Asociación Olaya - and youth development; this time promoting two young wingers in Urbano Noboa, 17, and Narciso Pineiro, only 16, from their academy. Where many supporter groups would question their club's ambition, at The Whistlers they trust in this gradual process which has brought such success in the past.

ACACOYAGUA
The big talking point at Acaco is the loss of their first choice keeper Davide Sandino, on the fringes of the national team, to Tikario poachers Miruan City FC; a healthy ₸2.5m raised from the transfer but a huge disappointment to see their young keeper go. Backup Axel Barrios, 27, is entrusted with the #1 shirt while Gaskoi Inchusta is promoted from the youth team as reserve keeper. Coach Marcos Bran did pounce for free signing Mbiye Bola, the 21-year old Unuiĝinta striker, and Mriini 'goatman' Adraan Telviir to shore up midfield.

PITXI-PITXI 77
It was of course all about the headliners for the 77o - Ixtub Tün out, Tesco Zuniga in, lots of money changing hands. But profit on the Ixtub Tün deal also went on respected defender Erick Ruiz, 26, from Resplendiente for ₸2.3m and a whole recruitment campaign for young prospects for the academy, signing four youngsters from Ko-oren to bolster what has been labelled the weak link in the 77o machine - since Ixtub Tün there has been little promise from the youth team to speak of.

CF FRANTXIZKO-A
The Golds were quick to capitalise on the apparent financial implosion at Urbo Ibaeta, signing up a very serious prospect in attacking midfielder Català, 24, at the end of his contract with no renewal in sight. It's a real coup for them. CFFA also dipped into the international market with the ₸1.25m signing of Astograthi midfielder Bichincho Zabalaga, also 24, and hope the new pair can form a partnership that will continue the upward rise of this sleeping giant.

ATLÁS CIUREDOR
Atlás are another side that have stayed out of the transfer market headlines this recess, by staying out of the transfer market. An impressive showing of the youth team as they won Liga-J2 last season means there are promotions to the first team for very promising leftback Aaró Murcia and keeper Minermo Ocamica, along with J2 player of the season last season Tinni Grímólfursson, the Græntfjallur youth import from Steinaux who looks set for a place in the first XI already.

REAL GARDARESSO
It's been a busy one for Garda. With Ochoa Abril to Anhedron Wanderers and Menaute de Torres to Pyathora Mariners, both in Tikariot, for fees over ₸1m each there was money to spend. Cue the signing of Squorn striker Rinko Nazahn, 26, from Syneca and the renewal of fantastic Euran leftback Jodi Servais' loan deal from Hornchurch; and the second biggest domestic transfer deal with defensive midfielder Beza Tilmidja's ₸2.9m arrival from Serpentina. It hardly seems possible there was room for four promotions from the youth team too, keeper Bossâsisse Ndiô the pick of them.

FLORENTINO
It was all about the keepers at champions Las Violetas, with first choice leader Marko Zuazo retiring and young prospective replacement Arnao Roche having an underwhelming couple of seasons. With good keepers at a premium, the club did well to recruit El Quetan CF number one Baltasar Ares for ₸2m, passing over the opportunity to sign former national team and BoF bronze medallist Ferran Teixedó, available on a free transfer. Apart from that, some might think it an underwhelming window for Florentino, but they said that last year, and look what happened.

[Tequilo]

CULT STORIES, EVERY SEASON

Welcome to the third annual edition of ¡TQ!, brought to you by your favourite pitxi newspaper, GOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL-a!. With the first edition already completely sold out and last year's follow-up looking like a collector's item in the making, perhaps you should leave your shiny new Edition Three in it's clearfilm wrap to maintain value - but if you are reading this, it's probably too late!

This year we are running the second installments of some of your favourite sagas, and we'll be adding a couple of new items to the stable.

Our regular features in this edition: more spends at insanely rich Grupo Taxhavn's multiversal football project featuring our very own underachievers of gigantic scale, Haïtiens; join Boney spittalninny Mosey Ackanard, the wheeler-dealer wideboy manager at Mejillones Lipa who's becoming a legend in his own life time, not to mention his long-suffering wife Skela; we've all watched flamboyant businessman Gedeó Dosrius on teevee with his 'Make Moto Great Again' fly-on-the-wall, but what happens if you're a player at the Motoarena and you don't fancy being filmed day in, day out? At the other end of the financial spectrum - and the pyramid system - are cult club Sardíneros - we check in with CEO, maintenance man and bar keep Xose Ron and the infamous half-blind matriarch Dolores who runs The Sardine Can catering van. Finally, you may have seen MiCF on the internet, you may even have joined - but can a few thousand internet fanatics really buy and run a Tequiloan football club from the comfort of their own WiFi?

New for Edition Three! Trace & Track Special: When we launched our occasional Trace & Track column in GOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL-a! Daily we won over a dedicated following for the historical investigative series, and there have been plenty of calls for more. But what rabbit hole did we plunge down when we decided to find out what happened to infamous club mascot Posídon of Nómada Club, and The Man Behind The Mask - or underneath the costume - Joan-Obiko Sorarrainarte? This is the story of one man's rise and fall within the strict regimen of the cult-like mascot's union, Número Extraordinario. Read our Trace & Track Special, Posídon The Earth-Shaker, to find out more.

But first, some talent spotting: who are the new kids on the block? With the much-vaunted Ciudad de Pitxi development centre still apparently a million miles away from being open, as anyone can testify if they drive the Tonorobos Rápido expressway out of Tapalupé City and take a passing glance at the great big hole in the ground that once was the lively suburb of Quezaldad, there is still no central pool of wonderful young players learning to play 'the Tequilo Way'... in fact, without a development centre, there surely is no 'Tequilo Way' just yet. But there are still plenty of juniors coming through at the big clubs - and perhaps some small ones - and we're eager to find the next cult heroes - the next Ixtub Tüns, the next Niño Pintos, and the next Jaïr Isclas. Although Jaïr Iscla is not quite a thing yet, is he?

---

THE NEXT XÍXÌ ÊNS
YOUNG GUNS ABOUT TO EXPLODE - OTHER METAPHORS ARE AVAILABLE

---

We select three emerging youth players who may make their Liga-TQ bow this season having been promoted to their senior teams from the various academies, and ask ourselves, is this the next Xíxì Êns? Of course, so early in their careers, it's hard to predict what the outcome will be for such young guns, but if even one of these turns out to be a superstar, how good will the ¡TQ! Annual staff team look? We'll be dining out on that for years - so consider this an investment. In no particluar order, our favourite three are as follows:

SALOMÓ REVERTÉ
Halfback, 19, Resplendiente

"Call me Mó," says chatterbox Mó Reverté, the young defender at Resplendiente who starred in their fine national youth title winning campaign last season and has been awarded a full professional contract with the seniors on the back of his commanding central defensive performances. He's nothing if not confident. We'd quote a little more of his long long gabble if only we could find a gap in his commentary - he's a talker, this one. The club's new Zetan, Rekan or Hügeltadomian signing Wlad Wlad sits alongside him at the press conference, entirely bemused as the new kid on the block upstages the incoming former Ogroven Vanguardi FK centreback who will be his defensive partner, and doesn't really let him get a word in edgeways. Not that Señor Wlad has fully grasped the lingo yet - and Mó probably isn't helping his confidence. What we can be sure of for next season are two things; that Mó Reverté is going to be a fine centre back, and that Mó Reverté will provide you with a sound bite on just about any subject you want, although editing it down will become an artform in it's own right. He may be a chatterbox - perhaps even a tiresome bore - off the field, but on it, he is a natural leader and apparently well-liked by his team-mates. Off the record, his youth team associate Salvador Puigcorbera, who played alongside him in defence, says you soon learn to ignore his incessant yammering, because he doesn't expect anyone to listen anyway. "It's some kind of syndrome," says Salvador, "his mother dropped him on his head at an early age, apparently. He has two gifts from the incident - his gab, and his pitxi." Can he kick it? Yes he can, says manager Ilhicadira - "we like to play out from the back, and Mó can do that. He can be a superstar. And if not, he can be a commentator."

OSÒ MËSSÎ
Halfback, 17, Juventoyan

The son of famous streakers and indigene rights campaigners Fûćü Cúkî and Nossï-Lloò Ëreso, the young Uiaiey-heritage fullback at Juven is the youngest of our picks for fame and fortune; he also has it all to do emerging from the shadow of his legendary parents, who disrupted matches up and down the country with their very handsome displays of protest and jiggling bits to earn recognition for the Uiaiey peoples of Antivador. No doubt Osò will be subject to calls from the terraces to show off his credentials in songs like 'Mister Beau Jangles' and 'Get Your Bits Out For The Lads' and while the boy is certainly striking to look at, it will be his defensive skills on display not his genitals, and word in scouting circles is he is very good already. Juven manager Francisco de Arçe has been very vocal about his qualities already, describing him as the complete defender and one he will build his team around, though he also said he will be leaning heavily on his two veteran centrebacks, Vicent Frasquet and Carlos Gonçales, to mentor the lad over the next couple of seasons as Osò prepares to succeed them. But Vicent and Carlos are getting on now and will need plenty of rest breaks this coming season, so expect Osò to get game time. Soon to be heading to The Commonwealth of Baker Park as part of Tequilo's next under-18 national team, he'll be getting valuable tournament experience too, and one day, perhaps, he'll be recognised as more than just the son of some spectacularly naked political campaigners.

ABAS JUANARENA
Goalkeeper, 18, Unuiĝinta

This is a big season for Abas. Where the other two young guns will have time to settle into their new squads, find their way into the starting line-up, and impress over a season or two, the young keeper from The Red Lions academy gets the number one shirt and is thrust into the front line from the start with the club's two first team keepers Actzin Tehuaco and Platon Artabebeitia both leaving on free transfers, and no incoming signings to replace them as yet. But no-one at the club has any doubt that this young fellow will seize the opportunity with both hands, and won't drop it through his legs and over the line for an own goal. In the youth team he has apparently been outstanding, and is more than ready to compete with the men: he's a big fellow too, a shade over two metres tall and broad in the shoulder, he's something of an agile man-mountain, like a tiger up a tree as they say in Puezan. Already selected for the junior national team in the forthcoming under-18 World Championship, there is a strong feeling he could be pushing for a back-up slot in the next World Cup cycle behind an experienced but still young prodigy in Oscar Bienvenida, who would make the perfect mentor. A lot will hinge on how he does in the spotlight for his club team, and the Red Lions are certainly not enjoying a great period in their history right now so he will likely be under pressure from the get-go. But if he can weather the predicted season-long storm, he could well come out the other side with a very bright future indeed.

Honourable Mentions
There were several highly thought-of players coming through across the league that didn't quite make it onto this list, and of course, top of them and surely already the best is Hugo Rabellino, star striker of Argón's dominant youth academy. He would be on this list if he hadn't already made his debut at the senior level last season on loan at El Quetan CF, where he impressed with 11 goals in 24 appearances, enough to get him a place in Argón's senior squad this year. Despite all their cash and chasing every half decent pitxi player this side of Ao, Haïtiens have promoted two offensively-minded youngsters to their first team who look very good indeed - attacking midfielder Hector Hurtado, 19, and striker Pasca Apìtolla, 20. Watch out for this pair who, apparently, are almost telepathic when playing together. Finally we must mention another young goalkeeper making his way through the ranks at Ciupa Azul, 20-year old Ziñocchio, a very promising talent who surely has to be considered for the national team on account of his name if nothing else. I mean, come on. Ziñocchio. That name has World Cup Winner written all over it.

[Tequilo]

CULT STORIES, EVERY SEASON

---

BONEY MOSEY
THE LIFE AND TIMES OF SPIVVY SPITTALNINNY MOSEY ACKANARD

---

Season 2[Season 1]

"I've told the chairman already," says Mosey, quoting a famous comedy animation much loved in Tequilo, with a familiar refrain, "we're gonna need more monkeys."

Mosey Ackanard is planning for his third season as The Mussels head coach, their second in 2-Sección of the Antivador State Championship where they defied the odds to just about avoid relegation last season. The chairman - Señor de Cuevas Rubias, a quiet and conscientious sort of fellow - has a relationship with Mosey that is deeper and more subtle than the casual spectator might think, with most people assuming it has something to do with just how open his chequebook is. That perception isn't at all true - but Mosey does like to talk about the open chequebook with a frequency bordering on repetitiveness. "Well," he says, "if the chairman wants me to do a job here, he has to give me the tools." Mosey and Señor de Cuevas Rubias and their wives Skela and Señora de Cuevas Rubias are by all accounts great friends and are often to be found socialising in the finer parts of the old town of Lipa. One wonders if Mosey addresses his chairman as Chairman in social settings, given it's the only sobriquet he uses when discussing team business to the media - "pass me the oyster sauce please Mister Chairman, my winkles are a little dry..."

This season, as they build on a promotion and then last term's survival, hoping to establish themselves firmly in the mid-regions of 2-Sección and painfully aware that with the restructure a brutal toll of five teams being relegated will be driving them, The Chairman has certainly given Mosey the keys to his toolbox, and while they are not in the business of paying fat transfer fees, he is funding new player wages and some scouting trips to far-flung places - not least of which was an unauthorised trip to Audioslavia to secure the signatures of two free-agent strikers that will give Mejillones quite the exotic front line.

"Skela saw Waylon [Caskie] on that barmy football reality show Footballer McFootballface - I mean, it's ridiculous really, I can't say I approve of that sort of nonsense - but in any case she really thought he was half decent, and she got Viçente [de Velasquillo - Mosey's Assistant Coach] to have a look at him. Viçente convinced me he was worth a punt, and we were going to ship him over on the quiet - the chairman won't fork out for planes but Skela and Missus Chairman can usually get these things through the expenses account without him noticing - don't print that, mind. Anyway Waylon wouldn't come because he's afraid of flying, and I'd heard Gabriël Franken was available so we decided to go there... two birds, one aeroplane sort of thing.

"Everything was going fine, Skela got the plane tickets through Missus Chairman and we got some deals done in Cathair city a few days later. The chairman might never have known but we were out having a meal in a Starblaydi curry house, Viçente and I, on our last night in downtown Cathair, and you know what a fussy eater he is, always on one fad diet or another, and suddenly he says, 'waiter, there's a dog in my soup'... and I try to tell him it's jackfruit but he won't have it, and the waiter who has this fake Starblaydi accent - he couldn't have been born 200 metres from the restaurant he was that Audio - takes offence at the suggestion and before you know it there's an almighty row and someone's called the local constabulary. We're both nicked on the spot and of course with my one phone call I get Skela on the blower and she's mad as hell, says I'll have to phone the chairman myself, she won't help. I try to explain the one phone call arrangement but she's not having that, so I have to use Viçente's one phone call too, and phone the chairman to explain the situation and the bail bond. I can tell he's disappointed but I still have some more bad news, that we need to go to Springmont on the way back to pick up a winger.

"You can imagine the language."

But as well as Waylon Caskie and Gabriël Franken from Audioslavia, Mosey did sign mercurial young winger Hermes Kripto, released from Danford FC in Springmont, and so despite his rage, the chairman backed his friend Mosey again. The club signed keeper Nofre de Çulvaga from Atlás on a free and have brought in another young striker Aessérassa Loè in on loan from Argón - so it would seem all is forgiven. Is Mosey pushing his luck asking for more?

"The chairman understands," he says, unconvincingly, "if you want to turn up at these levels, it's a squad game, and even if we're running on a shoestring, we don't need to be down to the bare bones - we can't."

'Bare bones' - like 'The Chairman' and 'we need more monkeys' this is another familiar line from Mosey, one he uses after every defeat, before most pressure games, and all through the off-season to leverage more out of his long suffering friend and employer, Señor de Cuevas Rubias.

[Tequilo]

ANTIVADOR

It was a fine 16th state championship for Las Violetas. Despite becoming the most successful Antivadorio club of all time, this was the first time the club had successfully defended a championship to make two-in-a-row, and thus ensure the opportunity to defend their national title in the Liga-TQ Primera. A disappointing showing in their debut in intercontinental football, with early exits from the Champions League and Challengers Cup, allowed them to do the classic 'concentrate on the league' (although they have also gone great guns in the Copa Tequilo). Veteran Audioslav striker Venâncio Paiva, 35, once again starred, though he needed plenty of rotation to keep him fit, with attacking midfielder Clemenzo Cora behind him having the season of his life. Real Gardaresso were really only 'best of the rest' in the pack that chased Florentino all season, with Juventoyan disappointed to have missed out on the closura to Atlás on goal difference. In the mass relegation pending restructure, Atlético Lipa just escaped the drop to continue their recovery from shock relegation two seasons ago, and Humberto will be breathing a sigh of relief having struggled all season.

In the second tier, Mosey Ackanard's unfancied Mejillones Lipa surprised everyone with a highly impressive 6th, the best in the club's history, while Errentes took the title and the only promotion spot, plus a shot at intercontinental qualification through the final Liga-TQ Eliminatorio before restructure.

1-Antivador              Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 Florentino                26   16   2   8    47   24  +23    50  Liga-TQ Primera
 2 Real Gardaresso           26   12   9   5    45   26  +19    45  Liga-TQ Proxima
 3 Atlás Ciuredor            26   12   7   7    42   27  +15    43  Liga-TQ Pequeña
 4 Juventoyan                26   11  10   5    33   22  +11    43
 5 Páramos                   26   12   6   8    56   48   +8    42
 6 Racquette-22              26   11   9   6    39   32   +7    42
 7 Humberto                  26    8  12   6    39   39    0    36
 8 Gallandaires              26    9   5  12    45   51   −6    32
 9 Atlético Lipa             26    8   8  10    48   56   −8    32
10 Reconquista               26    8   7  11    39   43   −4    31  Relegated to 2-Sección
11 Conviviencia		     26    7   9  10    27   43  −16    30  Relegated to 2-Sección
12 CF Arradura               26    5   9  12    34   45  −11    24  Relegated to 2-Sección
13 Deportivo Sixtus IV       26    5   7  14    27   44  −17    22  Relegated to 2-Sección
14 Polo Sur                  26    4   8  14    29   50  −21    20  Relegated to 2-Sección
             
   2-Antivador              Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 Errentes Monvador         38   21   4  13    66   45  +21    67  Promoted to 1-Sección; Liga-TQ Eliminatorio
 2 Entenza AS                38   17  14   7    63   41  +22    65
 3 Intramura                 38   19   8  11    68   54  +14    65
 4 Blanco Horizonte          38   19   7  12    69   64   +5    64
 5 Comuna Cailon             38   19   6  13    53   50   +3    63
 6 Mejillones Lipa           38   17  10  11    64   52  +12    61
 7 RCD La Constancia         38   19   3  16    57   56   +1    60
 8 Sorcia                    38   17   8  13    64   55   +9    59
 9 Pelóta San Anreso         38   16  10  12    70   61   +9    58
10 Finca Cailon              38   15   8  15    48   48    0    53
11 Ciuredor Orden            38   15   7  16    73   63  +10    52
12 Daring Monvador           38   13  12  13    48   48    0    51
13 Combinar Toyan            38   14   7  17    51   63  −12    49
14 Los Anasticios            38   13   9  16    51   52   −1    48
15 Edicto de Fe              38   13   9  16    59   63   −4    48
16 Masvidal Toyan            38   13   9  16    49   53   −4    48  Relegated to 3-Sección
17 Aserrío de Garriché       38   13   7  18    59   66   −7    46  Relegated to 3-Sección
18 CF Lipa                   38   11   8  19    53   69  −16    41  Relegated to 3-Sección
19 Eslavosonidos             38   11   5  22    64   87  −23    38  Relegated to 3-Sección
20 Yugo Arradura             38    5   9  24    36   75  −39    24  Relegated to 3-Sección

   3-Antivador              Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 Golondrinas               38   21   9   8    77   53  +24    72  Promoted to 2-Sección
 2 Gladiadores               38   21   5  12    68   52  +16    68
 3 Espartanos                38   18  10  10    65   54  +11    64
 4 Jugadores Florenio        38   19   6  13    56   46  +10    63
 5 El Soportante             38   18   8  12    53   45   +8    62
 6 Unión Argain              38   17   9  12    52   54   −2    60
 7 Etxegoian                 38   16  10  12    55   45  +10    58
 8 Albaviedo                 38   16   9  13    67   62   +5    57
 9 Guardabosques             38   16   8  14    60   57   +3    56
10 Partisanos                38   14  10  14    56   56    0    52
11 Sociedad Ciuredor         38   14   8  16    52   50   +2    50
12 Hoqué-Coqué               38   13  10  15    53   60   −7    49
13 Bastardos de Toyan        38   13   8  17    62   69   −7    47
14 Mecánicos                 38   11  13  14    50   55   −5    46
15 Cortadores Margarita      38   11  13  14    56   63   −7    46
16 Astillero Ciuredor        38   10  12  16    64   75  −11    42
17 Mártires San Anreso       38   10  12  16    51   63  −12    42  Relegated to 4-Sección
18 Laguna de Léon            38    9  11  18    48   50   −2    38  Relegated to 4-Sección
19 Burros Selvatíco          38   10   8  20    49   70  −21    38  Relegated to 4-Sección
20 Llaro Marín               38    8  11  19    53   68  −15    35  Relegated to 4-Sección

---

BONEY MOSEY
THE LIFE AND TIMES OF SPIVVY SPITTALNINNY MOSEY ACKANARD

---

It could be all change for Mosey Ackanard, if the rumours prove true. After a long association with Mejillones, both as a player in his late career and then as head coach at the beginnning of his second career, he has impressed with his antics in getting The Mussels to their highest ever position, lifting them from the doldrums of the third tier to the competitive end of the second in only three seasons, and on a shoestring budget as he frequently reminds us. Despite his jokey Spittalninny wideboy demeanour, the manager is ambitious to get to the top of the game and the feeling is he is starting to prove himself ready for a bigger job. And it's another old club where he could well make his move - having spent the best part of his playing career at Socrates in the capital Tapalupé, moving there from his native Bonesea and hometown team Florence Boldclub. The All-Reds have fallen victim to the massive cull that is reducing the top flight of state championships, and have been relegated to 2-Sección of the Ocotapa State Championship for next season. Head coach Orió Florí is under pressure and may well resign, vacating a post match-made for Mosey Ackanard. Though he will be stepping sideways in terms of the level both clubs will be competing at next season, there is no doubt that Socrates are by far the bigger club of the two, and one dear to the heart of Mosey. The only question could be, will Skela want to move back to the big city from her island paradise in Antivador. "I can commute," shrugs Mosey, hardly denying his interest in a possible move.

[Tequilo]

CULT STORIES, EVERY SEASON

---

MI CLUB DE FÚTBOL
FROM KEYBOARD WARRIORS TO CHAMPIONSHIP MANAGERS

---

Season T.0[Season T.-1]

What if you could create a multi-user platform like popular Tequiloan football management sim Máximo where everyone worked together to manage a club - and the club was real? Select the team, pick the tactics, hire and fire the manager, design the kit, choose the stadium refreshments and write the matchday programme? Enter Mi Club de Fútbol, or, to keep the keystrokes at a minimum for the less able keyboard warriors, MiCF.

"This could be big," said founder and computer nerd Mauricio Salgado, at the press conference where he and his business partners Benjamí Sellas & Cat Cananga were announcing it was time for the MiCF project to begin acquisition of a football club. "This could be totally massive. Together, we can take a small club to the very top of Tequiloan football. The people will make the club, and the club unite the people. In ten years, we plan to be playing in the Champions League."

It was a bold statement. At that point, two years into the project, the membership scheme had about 70,000 paid-up subscribers, and MiCF had enough money in the bank to buy a small club in the third tier of state football. A Wanderers FC or Hoqué-Coqué perhaps, possibly a Sardíneros. Maybe even stretch to a Nomáda Club, a team with history but now living in the small time. It's hard to imagine any of those teams winning the champions league, in our lifetime or any lifetime. But Mauricio, Benjamí and Cat were not afraid to think big.

"This will be The People's Club," announced Cat, puffing his chest out with unchecked pride.

"No it won't," said a scruffy man at the back of the press room in an old raincoat over a grubby light blue and white hooped football shirt. He had an old plastic shopping bag from a popular supermarket chain in his hand, and from it he fished out a whole and stinking tequila jack - quite a large example of the popular saltwater staple - and flung it at the panel giving the presentation. The big old fish arced gracefully through the air, a spinning silver wheel, and hit Cat Canango square in the chops, knocking him off his seat. The scruff raised a single fist to the air, and shouted, "Co-op... Co-op... Co-op..." before beating a hasty retreat. As he skipped out he pulled a drawstring and a pre-installed banner unfurled for all the stunned press to see -

COOPERATIVA. THE PEOPLE'S CLUB™ SINCE FOREVER. ACCEPT NO CHEAP IMPOSTERS.

And that's when the trouble started with Cooperativa. The People's Club. TM.

The stunt was being covered by a couple of press infiltrators in the room, and was viral on the internet within minutes. Cooperativa, the business, the football club and supermarket chain, had already begun work taking down MiCF - or at least preventing them from trading as the people's club, with a heavy lawsuit presently having it's early readings in the courts. And now the fans and members who owned the club were about to have their say. It was going to get fruitier than the greengrocery isles at your local Co-op.

Based in the coastal city of Quetodino in Ocotapa state - where they bring in the big hauls of tequila jack tunnyfish - El Club de Fútbol Cooperativa Mutualista can rightly claim to be the people's club - not only do they own the trademark, but they have 18.6 million members across the country by dint of the mutual beneficiary membership programme that incorporates the football club, sports societies, funeral directors, farmers and growers collectives, a cycle manufacturer and various transport-sharing schemes, and most significantly, the nationwide chain of ethical supermarkets that offer a discount to paid-up members. It is fair to say that most of the 18.6 million members probably don't follow CF Cooperativa and didn't join to support them; but many of them will at least have them as a second team, given that a small dividend of their annual contribution does go toward funding the various sports and recreational clubs across the nation that are part of the Society, with the Quetodino club at the peak of their sports network. Did I mention they also own the trademark?

The operation of the club is much closer to the traditional model of running a football club rather than MiCF's idea - the owner funds it to the level they can afford, the club acquires a position in pitxi history pro rata the wealth of the owner, the owner makes the decisions or, usually, hires a head coach and director of pitxi to do it for them. In this case the owner is the Mutual Society, with an appointed CEO, DoP and HC just like most other clubs - except, as supporters often miserably reflect, this club could afford to buy up the league and cup wholesale, but choose not to. There was that one time - way back in the 570s - when Cooperativa did demonstrate their muscle to become the invincibles, winning a record-equalling four consecutive state titles, five in total through the decade and two Copas. But generally they have been content to be moderately successful every now and then, let others have a chance, and not be too big or too hoighty-toighty. In exchange for a modest return of pitxi success, they consider they are entitled to call themselves the People's Club, and with so many millions of members, who could really argue?

Well, two computer nerds from San Joaxha and the son of Canango's Fried Lizard Wings restaurant chain decided they would give it a try.

The real battle happened behind closed doors, in the legal cloisters of lawyers, barristers and judges, and to be honest it was really boring. Cooperativa won, MiCF could not call itself The People's Club, and the three idealists had to hand over a considerable fortune to their legal teams. End of that story. The fun bit is Cooperativa Fans versus The Internet. The man in the old mac with a bag o' fish was El Cidro, a commander of the LRH (Los Realeza Harapiento - The Ragged Royalty ultras group) and mastermind behind the coming war of situationist desviacións or public pranks that mocked MiCF and it's member base. The tunnyfish was just the beginning. As well as several hacks of the MiCF web platform including the joke announcements at various points that the project was acquiring giant clubs like Pitxi-Pitxi 77 or Motozintla, and at other times comedy disaster clubs like Chimpancés Guayabal, Real Mariposa, Nómada Club or Hipopótamo-Joaxha, which the MiCF team were forced to deny in short order, El Cidro and his crew often turned up at matches across the country with various stunts to publicly mock the project as one of nerds sat at home on the computer writing about fantasy football. They coined the term CF Agorafobia, or Agoraphobia FC, insinuating the members were too afraid to go to a real football match, and would manage just fine with WiFi. Stunts often involved releasing a swarm of butterflies and the butterfly became a symbol of mockery for the internet football warriors, along with the tequila jack. Everything was recorded and uploaded to the internet, and El Cidro coordinated the most hilarious campaign of interventionist street art disruptions in the name of CF Cooperativa that became compulsory viewing on social network platforms like Tútubo. The 125th state championship pitxi season was to go down in legend as one with some of the most colourful fan movements in history - and Cooperativa supporters had provided the palette.

[Tequilo]

CHAZAPA

The 77o win a third consecutive state title for the second time in their history, and go to within one of equalling the four-in-a-row records of Cooperativa and deadly rivals CF Frantxizko-A; but this was certainly not the best of the three and cross-town rivals Jaguar pushed them all the way in a close-run season. No-one is going to pretend the green-and-white's star is on the decline, as they have been spectacular under young highly rated head coach Eskaminzim these last few years, but signs of vulnerability crept in that didn't really seem to be there at all in the past two title wins. That said, the coach's acquisitions in the off-season proved spectacular, with Audioslav striker Tesco Zuniga sweeping almost all before him in the league, including strike partner and national team hero Tlacolotl who has suffered an injury hit season so far and has been disappointing as the reigning Player of The Season. Centreback Erick Ruiz, signed from Resplendiente, was outstanding in leading the line with Axó, another raided from The Crows, just in front of the back four looking commanding. But it was veteran fullback Chicchan, national team defender, who most caught the eye, partnering so well with Ruiz in the tightest defence in the league to win the club and division MVP. Following closely behind, Jaguar are a much improved team, surely drawing confidence from their Copa Tequilo win last season, and they certainly are a team on the rise as they qualify for Liga-TQ for the first time. Talking of improvement, this is the best season for Serpentina since their title win three years ago and, having gone competely off the boil during the first two seasons of Liga-TQ, they defied the odds as relegation candidates to get back to where they belong, challenging at the top and displacing Benemérito for the third and final slot in the Pequeña.

Winning the golden boot for the division as well as divisional MVP and in with a real shout of Foreigner of the Season is Los Miñeros 18-year old striker Alexis Noguera, on loan from Miners FC in Chromatika; apparently finding it all too easy he hit a stunning 28 goals in 25 games for the club, as they outscored the whole division based primarily on his efforts and his coach's philosophy of 'lump it to Alexis'. Unfortunately the defence was the worst outside of the relegation zone and on balance it was another disappointingly average season for the club - though their matches were spectacularly fun to watch.

With the huge reduction in the size of the division down from 14 to 10 next season, there were always going to be big casualties in the 5-down, 1-up reshuffle and unfortunately for Chazapañol and Rebelión, they are the big clubs who will be dropping to below the level where they would expect to find themselves, along with perennial strugglers San Joaxha, up-and-downers AC Sezalco, and recently promoted Cultúra, returning to whence they came, while fellow promotees Cisne Senzapa manage to hold on to their status. Coming the other way are Juniors, returning after one season in the lower division, while big clubs Académico and AS Tonalá continue to languish well below their historical standards.

   1-Chazapa                Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 Pitxi-Pitxi 77            26   14   6   6    48   31  +17    48  Liga-TQ Primera
 2 Jaguar Ixtacomitán        26   13   7   6    44   32  +12    46  Liga-TQ Proxima
 3 Serpentina                26   13   5   8    46   35  +11    44  Liga-TQ Pequeña
 4 Benemérito                26   13   5   8    39   38   +1    44
 5 Asociación Olaya          26   12   5   9    45   40   +5    41
 6 Los Miñeros               26   12   4  10    53   45   +8    40
 7 Cóndor Sezalco            26   13   1  12    44   45   −1    40
 8 Cisne Senzapa             26    9   7  10    31   37   −6    34
 9 Pingüinos                 26    9   6  11    41   35   +6    33
10 Chazapañol                26   10   3  13    48   44   +4    33  Relegated to 2-Sección  
11 San Joaxha                26    7  10   9    36   36    0    31  Relegated to 2-Sección
12 Rebelión Hernandados      26    6   9  11    31   38   −7    27  Relegated to 2-Sección
13 AC Sezalco                26    7   5  14    33   48  −15    26  Relegated to 2-Sección
14 Cultúra Calzacon          26    6   3  17    20   55  −35    21  Relegated to 2-Sección

   2-Chazapa                Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 Juniors Chazapa           38   20  12   6    78   48  +30    72  Promoted to 1-Sección; Liga-TQ Eliminatorio
 2 AS Tonalá                 38   22   5  11    68   47  +21    71
 3 Unión Esteno              38   19   5  14    75   59  +16    62
 4 Gimnástico Calcazon       38   17   8  13    57   50   +7    59
 5 Pelóta San Mérito         38   16  10  12    66   52  +14    58
 6 Taíno                     38   17   7  14    53   53    0    58
 7 Flechas Azules            38   14  11  13    57   54   +3    53
 8 Los Índices               38   15   8  15    52   54   −2    53
 9 Académico                 38   13  13  12    66   62   +4    52
10 Las Navas de Talosa       38   13  13  12    60   59   +1    52
11 Llamas Texidor            38   12  14  12    49   49    0    50
12 El Rinoceronte            38   13  11  14    45   51   −6    50
13 Albarracín                38   14   8  16    47   55   −8    50
14 Zamalakarregi             38   12  13  13    67   71   −4    49
15 Chiapula de Corzo AC      38   14   6  18    52   67  −15    48
16 Senzapa de Oro            38   12  11  15    52   56   −4    47  Relegated to 3-Sección
17 RCD Calzacon              38   11  10  17    46   57  −11    43  Relegated to 3-Sección
18 SC Alcaraiso              38   11   9  18    52   58   −6    42  Relegated to 3-Sección
19 Hipopótamo-Joaxha         38    9  10  19    48   66  −18    37  Relegated to 3-Sección
20 AC Simón Paravar          38    9  10  19    55   77  −22    37  Relegated to 3-Sección

   3-Chazapa                Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 Hielo Permanante          38   23   8   7    67   36  +31    77  Promoted to 2-Sección
 2 Indalezio                 38   22   9   7    71   45  +26    75
 3 Real Notario              38   18   9  11    71   59  +12    63
 4 Barrachina-Itxa           38   16  12  10    59   48  +11    60
 5 Factoría Calzacon         38   17   7  14    68   56  +12    58
 6 Búfalo-66                 38   15  12  11    68   51  +17    57
 7 Unión Zamolaco            38   16   9  13    53   53    0    57
 8 Cebra Cebras              38   14  10  14    51   47   +4    52
 9 Distrito Roldán           38   15   7  16    42   45   −3    52
10 Ciudad Senzapa            38   14  10  14    62   69   −7    52
11 Ballenas Alcaraiso        38   14   9  15    66   69   −3    51
12 Luis de Lunar IX          38   14   8  16    45   47   −2    50
13 Atlético Riba             38   13  10  15    54   63   −9    49
14 CF Siervo                 38   12  11  15    49   52   −3    47
15 San Masón                 38   14   5  19    45   54   −9    47
16 Merenciano                38   12  10  16    48   53   −5    46
17 Atlético Esteno           38   11  10  17    46   60  −14    43  Relegated to 4-Sección
18 Los Pozos de Herrera      38   11   8  19    51   61  −10    41  Relegated to 4-Sección
19 Deportivo Gironella       38   10   7  21    46   65  −19    37  Relegated to 4-Sección
20 Extremo Norte Sezalco     38    9   9  20    53   82  −29    36  Relegated to 4-Sección

---

MI CLUB DE FÚTBOL
FROM KEYBOARD WARRIORS TO CHAMPIONSHIP MANAGERS

---

And the decision is...

After a tough year in the courts, in the news, and in the angry columns of many Cooperativa-supporting fanzines and webzines, MiCF had delayed their announcement for the future of the Not-The-People's-Club-But-Another-People's-Club project until after the end of the state championships. At the HQ of MiCF in San Joaxha, home of co-founders Benjamí Sellas, Mauricio Salgado and Catlaltoa 'Cat' Canango, the press had gathered to hear that, whilst the public feud with Cooperativa had played out in the newspapers, conducted by artists and jugglers and other punk types, behind the scenes Benjamí, Mauricio and Cat, with another team of lawyers, accountants and football business types, had completed their search for a club. They had been in early discussion with eight clubs, had completed negotiations with three, moved to due dilligence on two, and narrowed down to one team. Right then, as the press conference was happening, the 103,000 active members of MiCF would be receiving the documentation and advisories on the one club the MiCF board had selected as it's target for acquisition. The deal was drawn up, the papers all but signed, pending only a majority vote in favour of...

"It was purely coincidence," said Cat, "that the final selection was a club right here in the state of Chazapa..."

(About three thousand MiCF members immediately began typing disappointed memos in the forum, feeling that the club should have been more central and therefore more accessible to more members,)

"And," added Mauricio, "it was only happy chance that the final selection was a club right here in town..."

(Oh come on, typed four thousand more members, this has got to be a stitch-up,)

"And," confirmed San Joaxha-supporting Benjamí, we will happily be suspending our prejudices to get right behind our new team..."

(Not, surely, not... typed six thousand incredulous members... are we the prospective owners of...?)

"Ladies and gentlemen of the press, chorused the three founders, we present to you, our takeover proposal for...

Hipopótamo-Joaxha!"

(They want us to buy the Hippos? ... typed seven thousand disappointed and rather embarrassed members in the MiCF forum, followed by a flurry of positive and negative reactions, and fifteen hundred of the more... idiotic... MiCF members immediately joining forum.hipopó.teq to tell the half dozen members of the Hippos fans forum that they pwned them now...)

"The club benefits from a strong brand already," claimed Cat Cananga, looking slightly flustered by the chortles of the press pack, "one we can build on..."

That was probably a bit of an optimistic interpretation of the club's brand strength. Hipopótamo-Joaxha were not, by any measure, a serious football club. They had only just been relegated from tier two, yes, but that, a bit like Sardíneros, was a freak season - they were basement dwellers by nature, although there was more to laugh at than at The Sardines, where life was simple at a tiny club in a small town and everyone in football had affection for hard-working owner-janitor Xose Ron and his stalwart assistant Dolores. Hipopó, by contrast, were a shambolic club in a fairly large city, where they were fifth in line for the locals affections behind San Joaxha, Académico, El Rinoceronte and Indalezio. In fact, it is often said amateur tier-four sides Chicos Rudo and Pompom Joaxha had more about them than The Hippos. They were the butt of every sports joke in every bar in San Joaxha, in Chazapa State, and beyond.

The reaction from the majority MiCF membership was muted at best, and there was a strong early feeling this was not in the best interest of anyone but the locals, namely the three founders of the project. However, there was widespread joy, a schadenfreude of sorts, from the many hundreds of thousands of Cooperativa fan-owners across the country who celebrated and welcomed their new and rather comical rivals to the collective football club movement. El Cidro officially called a ceasefire in the campaign of mockery, claiming in a final tútubo video that the MiCF team had done more in that press conference than the fan's situationist interventions for the past year to make the nation laugh. In truth, there was no small amount of relief too, that it wasn't Cooperativa being taken over by the keyboard warriors of MiCF.

[Tequilo]

CULT STORIES, EVERY SEASON

---

SARDÍNEROS
LIFE AT THE BOTTOM OF THE FOOTBALL FOOD CHAIN

---

Season 2[Season 1]

Xose Ron, club chairman, CEO, floodlight electrician and bog washer of Sardíneros Club in Chanco Condór waved the cheque at his half-blind assistant and chief caterer of The Sardine Can food outlet Dolores, quite mad with delight. It was the prize money for finishing bottom of the second tier of the state championship last season, a record high for a club generally to be found in and around the bottom of the next tier down.

"We've never had so much cash!" he yelped, so excited that Dolores was worried he might get a bout of indigestion. "At last we can buy some real corner flags! And let's get the rat-catchers in for a sweep around the North Terrace - oh I know it's early but what the hell, let's have an extra visit this year! And... and... should we repair the showers in the visitors changing room, do you think?"

It felt like winning the lottery. Later, when he had calmed down and the pills had fixed his reflux, he would reflect on how easily people like Motozintla's flamboyant owner Gedéo Dosrius got hooked on chasing big prizes - it was quite intoxicating. Fortunately he had Dolores to slap him in the face with a rusty pattie spatula and bring down to earth whenever he got too excited. As she applied a cool-pack to his inflamed cheek she reminded him of the club's biggest challenge in tier three this coming season.

"No matter how awful we have been - and we have been truly abysmal at times, as you know, Don Xose" said Dolores, clearly at the start of a rousing speech, "Club de Futbolístico Sardíneros de Chanco Cóndor has always maintained it's place in the State Championship, since the very beginning. But with four relegation places out of the State system this season Don Xose... this could be the end. Do you want that on your watch because you spent the bunce money on corner flags and showers? We have to take care of business on the pitch - we can't be the old Sardines, not this season; we have to be mediocre! We have to be run of the mill! We have to be average - for one season only, Don Xose, we must aspire to humdrum! Sardíneros must be fair to middling, and you must be the man to deliver our vanilla!

"Well actually," she continued, "if you'll permit me to correct myself, Don Xose, you need to be the man to hire the man to deliver our vanilla - and I have just the man. I spoke to my old friend Mosey Ackanard about this and he made a recommendation. There's an old Bonesea midfielder who has just retired from playing at Motozintla, his name is -"

"Tim Knute-Grahn!" interrupted Xose Ron, "are you mad, Dolores?! We can't afford such luminaries in The Sardine Can!"

But Dolores explained that Mosey and his fellow countryman Mister Knute had come to an arrangement, whereby the former would pay the latter's wages for a year, out of his own money, by way of getting him some experience in coaching before employing him at Mejillones as an assistant next season. So he would come for free. Not only that, but Mosey had said he knew of a midfielder who had just been released by Fábrica Tapalupé - yes, the 18-time state champions - who wasn't up to much any more but 'could do a job' in the Sardine Can for a season or two, and could be convinced by Mosey and Mister Knute to sign there for a few chèlinpesos and some extra shifts as a handyman. His name was Alexis Magrina, and there was a time when he was considered quite good. Well, more alright than quite good, but certainly good enough for Sardíneros.

"Dolores, how have you pulled this off? You and Mosey, what did -"

"You needn't trouble yourself with the details," said the half-blind do-it-all, "it's all behind us now and we're strictly business these days. Oh, and speaking of what's behind us... my grandmother's ex-boyfriend, well accurately speaking he was a holiday fling, is in town and he's looking for a voluntary role as a goalkeeper. Apparently he's pretty sprightly."

"I mean, Dolores, really? Your grandmother's ex-boyfriend -"

"More of a holiday fling..."

"You're grandmother's holiday fling - how old is this fellow, when did this happen? And, honestly, surely even we don't need a geriatric between the sticks?"

According to the transfer registration paperwork, Old Man Jenkins - who can't remember his own name - comes from a semi-imaginary place called Murphtannia, which sounds more like it's based on the world of Tequiloan football comic strip hero Rúi de los Rovas; and indeed, the old goalkeeper claims to have won 55 Premier League titles with 'Villa' - who sound like they are based on Aston Villa, one of the more rubbish teams from Rúi's comic book world.

"He says he's 158 years old," explains Dolores. Xose Ron chokes on his coffee at the suggestion. "I know," she concedes, "it's shocking really - my grandmother is only 103."

[Tequilo]

GUASTENANGO

Making himself a leading candidate for player of the season, veteran SC Pedregal keeper Kai Sidiki seemingly single-handedly hauled his team to their 19th state title as The Whistlers swept all before them in Guastenango this season, regaining a title last won just before the introduction of Liga-TQ and giving them a surprise shot at the national title. The venerable old club, seen as something of an elitist institution outside of their home city of Cuara and more of a purist institution by their own fans, are building a young, dynamic team off the back of some excellent young players that have come through the system at Estadio San Pedro de Cuara. Striker Róiben Caldiera, 21, and rightback Fernan Sotolongo, 18, are prime examples of their development system which has paid dividends this year, the two young players impressing hugely, with attacking midfielder and national team under-21 dynamo Milan Lucio not far behind - all of them from the Academy and among 10 young academy products in the squad of 25. It looks like the club could be at the top of the pile for years to come, though question marks remain this season about whether they are mature enough right now to compete in the Liga-TQ Primera against the likes of Pitxi-Pitxi 77, Florentino and Motozintla. Behind The Whistlers, El Quetan CF get their best finish for more than twenty years to make their first entry into Liga-TQ, having had to rebuild after being mercilessly poached after their Copa Tequilo win two seasons ago. Acacoyagua make up the three going into the closura, on goal difference from Equipo Caimán who have returned to strength after a poor showing last season that almost led to relegation. Meanwhile Índigo Huayna and Tequiloa are amongst the five relegated clubs - a quick return to 2-Sección for Pedregal's cross-town upstart rivals Tequiloa, who have struggled since their last title a decade ago; and a disastrous relegation for Índigo, who like SC Raití last season, drop out of the top flight for the first time.

La Abuela - The Grandmother - are back, though. Competing for the title of the oldest club in the country with champions SC Pedregal, SC Raití win instant promotion after their forced relegation last season, and that having lost a host of key players as they flirted with bankruptcy. And let's be clear, their money troubles haven't gone away. This is an institution in serious danger of disappearing altogether, allegedly one time targets of the billionaires at Grupo Taxhavn who went on to buy Haïtiens instead. Troubled owner and former Tequiloan President billionaire Cecili Planelas has gone to prison for five years for fraud, but is appealing his sentence and vows to save the club once his state-frozen funds become liquid again. Survival for SC may depend on his winning that appeal, if it comes quickly enough.

In the third tier, cult favourites Sardíneros had a dull season in mid-table, thus avoiding relegation out of the state championships altogether, a sentence they have only marginally avoided on many occasions during their rocky history at the bottom of the football food chain. Chairman Xose Ron has claimed he asked his temporary manager Tim Knute-Grahn to play it conservative, with no surprises and nothing but unremarkable matches one after the other. He seems to have got his wish and the only thing remarkable about their season in The Sardine Can is the justified and ancient goalkeeper Jenkins, who looks like he just arrived from a Day of The Dead parade and is, according to most reports, well past his best before date.

   1-Guastenango            Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 SC Pedregal               26   16   4   6    41   26  +15    52  Liga-TQ Primera
 2 El Quetan CF              26   13   5   8    42   36   +6    44  Liga-TQ Proxima
 3 Acacoyagua                26   12   4  10    47   42   +5    40  Liga-TQ Pequeña
 4 Equipo Caimán             26   11   7   8    34   31   +3    40
 5 Ocozoxhuatla              26   11   4  11    40   40    0    37
 6 Petrolero                 26   10   7   9    34   34    0    37
 7 Gimnástico Chichiguina    26    9  10   7    45   46   −1    37
 8 Ciupa Azul                26    9   9   8    41   35   +6    36
 9 Inter Raití               26    9   8   9    34   34    0    35
10 Tequiloa                  26    9   8   9    25   33   −8    35  Relegated to 2-Sección
11 Correcaminos              26    9   6  11    41   39   +2    33  Relegated to 2-Sección
12 Racing Guadatral          26    7   9  10    36   39   −3    30  Relegated to 2-Sección
13 Índigo Huayna             26    6   6  14    28   36   −8    24  Relegated to 2-Sección
14 Caballero AC              26    6   3  17    31   48  −17    21  Relegated to 2-Sección

   2-Guastenango            Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 SC Raití                  38   22   9   7    62   34  +28    75  Promoted to 1-Sección; Liga-TQ Eliminatorio
 2 Deportivo Requexón        38   19   9  10    69   52  +17    66
 3 Esqueletos                38   17  13   8    57   46  +11    64
 4 Insurgentes Nísa          38   17  11  10    62   51  +11    62
 5 SC Bozoa                  38   17   7  14    82   72  +10    58
 6 Hércules Ciupa            38   16   8  14    65   60   +5    56
 7 Ganzábal                  38   15  10  13    64   56   +8    55
 8 Bocas del Toro            38   16   6  16    60   61   −1    54
 9 Colegio Nísa              38   15   8  15    56   57   −1    53
10 Ciudad Cuahtémoc          38   14  10  14    54   52   +2    52
11 Venustianos               38   13  11  14    67   68   −1    50
12 Sporta Oroboro            38   13  10  15    52   54   −2    49
13 SC Horcontitos            38   14   7  17    70   84  −14    49
14 RC Olentzaro              38   13   9  16    43   50   −7    48
15 Arsenál Ciupa             38   12  11  15    72   76   −4    47
16 El Chilamatos             38   12  11  15    54   60   −6    47  Relegated to 3-Sección
17 JS Solistahuacan          38   12   9  17    44   46   −2    45  Relegated to 3-Sección
18 Rápido Raití              38   12   8  18    52   63  −11    44  Relegated to 3-Sección
19 CF Blay de Sant Roman     38   11  10  17    57   68  −11    43  Relegated to 3-Sección
20 Unión Cuara               38    7   9  22    42   74  −32    30  Relegated to 3-Sección

   3-Guastenango            Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 Iberamericano             38   21   8   9    69   44  +25    71  Promoted to 2-Sección
 2 Ciudad Yaya               38   19   8  11    67   48  +19    65
 3 Recreativo Cuara          38   19   8  11    73   56  +17    65
 4 Costello Raití            38   18  10  10    64   48  +16    64
 5 Camp Esportiu             38   15  11  12    57   48   +9    56
 6 Arcángel                  38   13  17   8    66   59   +7    56
 7 CF Guanarillo             38   16   7  15    74   67   +7    55
 8 Polideportivo             38   15  10  13    62   59   +3    55
 9 Castaliá Guadatral        38   16   7  15    58   57   +1    55
10 Compañónes                38   16   6  16    46   53   −7    54
11 Helmántico                38   15   8  15    62   65   −3    53
12 Sardíneros                38   16   5  17    55   58   −3    53
13 Villa Guadratal           38   15   7  16    57   62   −5    52
14 Constitución Yaya         38   13  10  15    67   76   −9    49
15 Huayna Colombino          38   13   9  16    58   68  −10    48
16 Merkatondoa               38   11  13  14    60   62   −2    46
17 El Mazo                   38   12   8  18    49   63  −14    44  Relegated to 4-Sección
18 Cartagonova               38   11   7  20    48   59  −11    40  Relegated to 4-Sección
19 Gimnàstic Ciupa           38    7  14  17    47   65  −18    35  Relegated to 4-Sección
20 Urritxe                   38    9   7  22    47   69  −22    34  Relegated to 4-Sección

---

SARDÍNEROS
LIFE AT THE BOTTOM OF THE FOOTBALL FOOD CHAIN

---

Finishing in the bottom half of the bottom tier of the Guastenango state championship might not sound like much to write home about, and after all, it's considerably worse than the last two seasons which involved a promotion and then a relegation from the tier above. But by general standards, 12th out of 20 for The Sardines constitutes a very fine season indeed, 7-8 places higher than usual. And in this crucial year with four relegations into the amateur wilderness of the fourth tier, it represents another miracle in the club's long history of maintaining it's state championship status against all the odds. Dolores' gambit on a 158-year old goalkeeper, a work experience coach being sponsored by Mosey Ackanard and a midfield handyman - who literally does DIY around the club in his spare time - signed for free after being released from a top club when his legs went, seems to have paid off. Club owner and pitch lawnmower man Xose Ron is so delighted he's promoted Dolores to Director of Football, although he still expects her to to be his PA, run The Sardine Can food outlet, and collect the matchday programmes from the printers on Saturday mornings.

[Tequilo]

CULT STORIES, EVERY SEASON

---

MAKE MOTO GREAT AGAIN
THE INSIDE VIEW ON REHABILITATING A FALLEN GIANT

---

Season 2[Season 1]

As Motozintla marched to the state title last season whilst under the watchful eye of sports broadcaster Cielo Deportivo's second run of their hit fly-on-the-wall documentary Make Moto Great Again, and then went on to a very respectable third placed finish in Liga-TQ, a nationwide audience was gripped by the regular broadcasts of life under eccentric and hyperactive billionaire owner Gedeó Dosrius - his remarkable and often infuriating personality, excess of energy, and inclination to get involved in micro-management at every level of the club; the clever way in which master tactician, head coach and team manager Mauricio Nores, with an extraordinary gift for diplomacy, manages to field his interfering boss at every turn to keep him relatively calm and just about at arms length when it comes to team sheets and matchday team talks; the comic and often bizarre bromance between Gedeó and team captain Mateo Tafalla, the legendary national team captain and icon of Moto who seems entirely oblivious to the chairman's more irrational tendencies but always ends up involved in controversial incidents at his side, including being his getaway driver when Gedeó famously ducked out of a business meeting with some very dubious shipping agents from the deep, dark region of Ao - where most nationstates are in and of themselves criminal cartels and dinner with shipping agents from Paripana or Falcania or, though they most likely wouldn't even get entry visas, the Vanorans, is just dining with the multiversal mafia plain and simple. Whatever was going on in that meeting, and Gedeó was unusually circumspect on the matter, it was clearly not to his liking and rather than politely declining the undoubtedly dubious business proposal on the table he had decided to make a less than discreet exit via a third floor bathroom window, shredding his ridiculously expensive slacks as he slid down a drainpipe with Mateo ready to catch him and whip him away in his positively indiscreet Tachyon supercar.

All of it was filmed, of course, in glorious HD pica-colour, so one wonders exactly how orchestrated the whole thing was.

There were plenty of other moments where you had to question the extent to which it was staged-managed - young Farv striker Vâásk Çêwé, for example, and the now famous incident with Gedeó's ex-lover, supermodel and nemesis Marlena Manzanares in the Hotel Cromátique; just how did they get a hidden camera in the tromboncino squash and did they really know where Vâásk was going to put it? Not to mention the subsequent reveal to Gedeó and his suspiciously loaded burrito that exploded all over his fine white cotton sark at the key moment, and the later spat between Gedeó and Vâásk as the chairman confronted his young, virile and imaginitive employee over his relationship with Marlena and the use of gourd vegetables in boutique hotels - a spat which came to a peculiar conclusion with Vâásk holding Gedeó in a defensive headlock whilst yelling for assistance, and Gedeó, with his airway temporarily blocked, apparently passing out. As Vâásk laid him down and prepared to administer some emergency aid, the owner, president and CEO of Motozintla FC suddenly came round and clocked the Farv with a seemingly mild blow to the jaw which somehow managed to knock him out cold. The shot of chairman and footballer laying side by side as they recovered from the argument and then laughing hysterically as they came round seems entirely unreal and yet at the same time typical of the mad billionaire. However stage-managed the whole incident was, the episode drew record audiences, boosting the celebrity ratings of both Gedeó and Marlena, whilst thrusting the 19-year old striker, still finding his shooting boots, straight into the Tequiloan cultural limelight as the year's most explosive lover, sultry squash eater and cunning wrestler with the glass jaw.

But not everyone was having fun at Moto under the constant surveillance of the production cameras. Attacking midfielder Garcia de Trueva, one of Moto's great prospects, was often to be seen scowling at both the camera and beyond to the crew; at the end of the season, he handed in a transfer request, stating he would neither play for the club again nor even come to training. Despite the best efforts of Mauricio Nores to smooth things over, he could not be persuaded to change his mind and during the off-season he signed for Independiencia for a substantial, by Tequiloan standards, fee of ₸1.25 million, stating in his first press conference at his new club that he was pleased to be somewhere he would be expected to be a footballer and not an actor. He would not be drawn further on the matter, though has been quoted as saying in private that "you could either be Mateo and catch the cabrón at the bottom of a ladder for the cameras, or you go somewhere to kick a ball, not suck a bicho for the boss." It got the midfielder into some hot water for singling out the much-loved national team captain Mateo Tafalla, but there were also plenty to stand up in his defence to claim that Gedeó was turning pitxi into a circus. Media-savvy analysts declared the inevitable progress of the show, Make Moto Great Again, would have to be a continuous inflation of talking points - the great drainpipe escape; the striker, the supermodel and the squash; or defender Blêxu Laô and his love of a finely tuned bagpipe, for example - until the whole thing was an entire fiction and no longer had any connection with football - or reality - at all. It was a fair point.

Coming into this third season, Moto missed out on two key signings that had seemed inevitable - Cuipa Azul and national team striker Roxelio Toran choosing big-spending rivals Haïtiens over Moto while Audioslav forward Tesco Zuniga, courted by chairman Gedeó Dosrius for some time as his contract at Artigliera wound down, eventually plumped for Pitxi-Pitxi 77 to leave Moto without a big name signing for the season and rather embarrassing the chairman in the process. Rumours were rife that neither of them much fancied life in front of a television camera and Roxelio more or less confirmed the theory when asked about his reasons for signing for the Wights, claiming "my cousin is made for variety shows, but I was made for the pitxi pitch," - referring of course to his famous comic poet relative, Bermúdez. It seemed a subtle repudiation of the celebrity culture being built at Moto. What next for the show? With Moto to play in intercontinental football for the first time, there is at least some fresh material for the producers to work with, and there is no doubt Gedeó Dosrius will come up with ever more startling performances for the show, but will audiences begin to see through the veil of truth to an artifice underneath? And if they do, will they care? Is Gedeó making Moto great again, or making football into a circus as some commentators are claiming? There is only one way to find out - no doubt we will all be tuning in to the third season of the show as Moto aim for intercontinental glory and an improved performance in Liga-TQ, where they are certainly now fancied to compete for the title.

[Tequilo]

MARANCO

Whatever you think of The Gedeó Show, as football comics scathingly describe the rebuilding project at Motozintla, you cannot deny the remarkable turnaround in the fortunes of this great club, caught in the depths of a seemingly endless drabness and yet revived by owner Gedeó Dosrius and most certainly on the way to being great again as they claimed their second consecutive state title and the third in six seasons since he took over. And this one was an extra special one, as beating deadly rivals Resplendiente to the title, by a single point in a thrilling season, means they now overtake The Crows and rejoin the '10-Nacional' - the Big Ten clubs with the most state titles - and knock their rivals out of the club in the process. Amidst all the talk of certain young strikers at Moto making it big this season - highly rated promotee from their youth team Mana Quita, 18, and Farv playboy Vâásk Çêwé, 19 - it was another youngster who hit the scoring jackpot for the team with an outstanding season up front alongside main targetman Mendo Davila: 19-year old Macedoni Altés, in only his second full season with the first team at Arenamoto, won the division MVP award as he terrorised opposition defences and was only outscored by Resplendiente's veteran golden boy Taca. Just behind the front two, recently retired from the national team, captain Mateo Tafalla has another brilliant season while leftback Blêxu, 25, is really coming into his own and will surely push for selection in the next World Cup cycle.

Running Moto all the way and with every reason to feel entirely gutted at losing their place in the 10-Nacional, Resplendiente are nevertheless looking stronger each season and this proved a mighty clash of rivals in the manner of the very best contests down the years - Moto probably need The Crows to push them on. Meanwhile recent double-champions Xicoa miss out on a Liga-TQ slot as they are beaten to the final place by surprise package Macarada, probably most people's favourites to find themselves in the mass-relegation pile. That particular disaster falls upon Alianza Tirinto, among others, as the league reorganisation costs them heavily and they drop a tier as a result. Clazarda Larga come the other way, where the larger clubs in the division - SC Tescoa, Tumuloa Xico and La Conon CF - all failed to mount a serious challenge on the tier 2 title, while SC Metetí and La Milega AC, both former big guns of the top of the state championship, face a drop into the third tier.

   1-Maranco                Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 Motozintla                26   18   2   6    57   41  +16    56  Liga-TQ Primera
 2 Resplendiente             26   17   4   5    61   25  +36    55  Liga-TQ Proxima
 3 Macarada Gaona            26   13  10   3    38   25  +13    49  Liga-TQ Pequeña
 4 Xicoa                     26   13   7   6    43   32  +11    46
 5 Fortuna Tulan             26   11   4  11    33   34   −1    37
 6 Universitario             26   11   3  12    42   43   −1    36
 7 Las Guías Oriente         26    9   8   9    28   34   −6    35
 8 Continente Tulan          26    9   6  11    30   36   −6    33
 9 AS Matiguás               26    8   8  10    36   42   −6    32
10 Internacional CF          26    8   7  11    36   39   −3    31  Relegated to 2-Sección
11 Alianza Tirinto           26    7   8  11    27   32   −5    29  Relegated to 2-Sección
12 Comitán Argente           26    6   7  13    33   43  −10    25  Relegated to 2-Sección
13 SC Torre Espinaquer       26    6   6  14    34   44  −10    24  Relegated to 2-Sección
14 Deportivo Torente         26    4   4  18    22   50  −28    16  Relegated to 2-Sección

   2-Maranco                Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 Clazada Larga             38   22   9   7    66   45  +21    75  Promoted to 1-Sección; Liga-TQ Eliminatorio
 2 Toro Reyes                38   16  19   3    61   35  +26    67
 3 1492 Carranza             38   16  13   9    69   48  +21    61
 4 Farvedilos                38   17   8  13    58   48  +10    59
 5 SC Tescoa                 38   14  16   8    67   59   +8    58
 6 Tumuloa Xico              38   16   9  13    59   50   +9    57
 7 PK Xicocomitán            38   14  13  11    69   61   +8    55
 8 Flamencos                 38   15   9  14    68   61   +7    54
 9 Equipo Muna               38   14  10  14    57   55   +2    52
10 La Conon CF               38   13  13  12    56   60   −4    52
11 Progresso CF              38   13  12  13    46   52   −6    51
12 Escolásticos              38   13  12  13    48   56   −8    51
13 Villa Comaltitlán         38   13  11  14    60   66   −6    50
14 Arma de Fuego             38   12  13  13    57   54   +3    49
15 Antigüaya                 38   12   9  17    63   70   −7    45
16 SC Metetí                 38   12   8  18    58   63   −5    44  Relegated to 3-Sección
17 La Milega AC              38   11  11  16    52   58   −6    44  Relegated to 3-Sección
18 Sindicato Torente         38   11  11  16    57   72  −15    44  Relegated to 3-Sección
19 SC Kukalayos              38    8   7  23    49   75  −26    31  Relegated to 3-Sección
20 Lope de Salmeron          38    7   9  22    47   79  −32    30  Relegated to 3-Sección

   3-Maranco                Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 Qiwa Tulan                38   25   6   7    77   43  +34    81  Promoted to 2-Sección
 2 Ciclistas Aticenta        38   23   7   8    59   40  +19    76
 3 Cancho Quillahuaman       38   15  14   9    77   70   +7    59
 4 Chile-33                  38   16  11  11    68   62   +6    59
 5 Tamarindica Muna          38   17   7  14    54   48   +6    58
 6 Montañeros                38   17   7  14    62   58   +4    58
 7 Alumbrados                38   17   7  14    57   58   −1    58
 8 Chimpancés Guayabal       38   15  12  11    53   45   +8    57
 9 Olano                     38   15  12  11    53   51   +2    57
10 AS Colquehuanca           38   13  14  11    77   63  +14    53
11 Capitán Belmoro           38   14  11  13    56   50   +6    53
12 Proyecto Gotán            38   14   8  16    38   52  −14    50
13 Racing Azéma              38   14   6  18    50   51   −1    48
14 Pateadores Torente        38   11  12  15    57   62   −5    45
15 El Mizona                 38   12   9  17    55   60   −5    45
16 Los Murciélagos           38   13   6  19    52   67  −15    45  
17 von Steteren Germaniká    38   10   9  19    53   64  −11    39  Relegated to 4-Sección
18 Braçayda Mexía SC         38    8  13  17    57   76  −19    37  Relegated to 4-Sección
19 Atlético Patoto           38    9   8  21    55   75  −20    35  Relegated to 4-Sección
20 Atlético Trinidad         38    7  11  20    49   64  −15    32  Relegated to 4-Sección

---

MAKE MOTO GREAT AGAIN
THE INSIDE VIEW ON REHABILITATING A FALLEN GIANT

---

As the 'apertura' or state championships draw to a close, the big talking point heading into the 'closura' and Liga-TQ is not so much the state double from Moto, nor their succeeding deadly rivals Resplendiente in the Big Ten club, but rather their highly controversial exit from intercontinental football - having reached the brink of qualification to the group stages of the IFCF Challengers Cup, they were forced to replay a winning tie against Chrilsia FC of Ancherion, having already completed famous victories over Dalton FC and... yes... Turoki Tide in latter rounds, due to an apparent administration error. Defeated at the second attempt by Chrilsia, the subsequent matches were scrubbed from the history books and Moto eliminated two rounds prior to their previous progress. Chairman Gedeó Dosrius was quick to accuse the IFCF of nonchalance in the wake of cataclysmic management when the organisation released a statement in which they "apologize for this and hope you won't be too disappointed if your upset win is now not to be." It was too much for Gedeó who has claimed he plans to sue, while the fans, even more reactionary than the chairman, claim this was a direct attack on Moto, who they feel after beating the Tide were set to win the whole damn competition. Fans claim pressure by Brenencians, Nepharim, Audioslavs, Vanorans and of course dispossessed Vilitans were brought to bear on the IFCF to stop Moto in their tracks. Of course, it is entirely unsubstantiated and not a view shared by the Tequiloan FA, the UPT, who have stated that whilst unfortunate, mistakes happen and the fairest way to correct them is to replay matches affected by such peculiar errors.

If you were wondering how Deportivo Cielo could make their fly-on-the-wall series more interesting this season, worry no more - the IFCF have obliged by almost giving Gedeó a coronary, and in this case, one which most certainly was not faked.

[Tequilo]

CULT STORIES, EVERY SEASON

---

GRUPO TAXHAVN
BUILDING A CLUB AS AN INTERNATIONAL FOOTBALL EMPIRE

---

Season 2[Season 1]

Secretive banking organisation takes over at Haïtiens!
The Wights hit jackpot!
Biggest club in the world... ever!

These were some of the headlines in the Tequiloan media when Grupo Taxhavn took over at the sleeping giants of Haïtiens just over a season ago when one of the biggest clubs in Tequilo - certainly not the world - had really hit a low point and found themselves relegated to the second tier of the state championships. In truth though, the wild and fabulous claims were only the sensational imaginings of the sports press, and while former owner Mariella Cicerón, installed as CEO and employee of the new owners, did promise 'world class facilities and infrastructure' there was no big spending spree to send 'The Wights' back to the top of Tequiloan football, no Moto-like masterplan to Help Haïtiens Win Again, no MiCF-style boasting of winning the champions league within ten years. Experienced coach Sopo Chacuzca was appointed to return the club to the top flight, but he was not handed a blank cheque and a stable of superstars with which to achieve it. Fans hoping for Xíxì Êns or Thorsten Kramer turning up at Estadio Metrópoli would be in for a reality check - as promised, this was going to be a project to slowly turn a drifting supertanker onto a new course, not one of those uncanny Fluid Time-fuelled Bonesea Barques that arrives practically before it has departed. The extent of glamour in that first season was the signing of two unknown Farv youngsters, Drì Ügísanâ and Váásîlóénün Jóf, from the chaotic lower leagues in their home country; the team that had dropped out of the top tier was largely asked to restore pride under Sopo's guidance - and they only just managed it, finishing second behind Boco Chielo, and scraping through the play-offs to win their place back in 1-Sección. They hardly set the world alight... but the were back, at least.

Behind the scenes, the work has started on a new training complex, outside of the capital at a farm estate known as Comarancho. The plans are impressive, and embarrassingly for the Tequiloan FA, the Unión, in one year they are already ahead of the disastrously problematic national football centre - Cuidad de Pitxi or Football City - which is a mere 20 miles down the road from Comarancho. They expect the centre to be completed inside two years, where Football City is already seven years in the making and shows no sign of finishing. The club's home stadium, Estadio Metrópoli, jointly owned and shared with rivals Independiencia, is rapidly showing signs of improvement and refurbishment as the club quietly update the old stadium whilst they consider sites for a potential new ground, and rumour has it they have even been approached by the Unión to take over the completion of the national stadium at Football City in exchange for being it's permanent resident. Both club and Unión deny the rumours, but hey, that doesn't mean its not true. Talk of a multiversal network of clubs within the Grupo Taxhavn stable may be premature, but in this last year the banking group have added another small but familiar club to their portfolio with the acquisition of Bonesligg masters SS Skiveness, the third club in the group along with Haïtiens (WGT). The clubs are apparently engaged in a youth exchange programme which allows trainees to experience football in different settings and probably means all the best ones will end up in the revamped youth academy at Comarancho.

Like a graceful swan, it was all quiet calm and tranquil motion on the surface, with furious activity underneath. And then someone helpfully pointed out that, nice at it was to just about sneak promotion back to the top flight, let us not forget this is mainly the squad that got relegated the season before, and a coach who only just managed to get the team through the 2-Sección play-offs, and that somewhat unconvincingly.

Not wanting a season of struggle, Grupo Taxhavn have moved up a gear. The gloves are off, the chequebook open. And after a single season, coach Sopo Chacuzca, having completed his first mission successfully, was sacked. Well, let go. Highly rated Xicoa manager Tomás Cabal was poached along with his assistant Juan David Semprún; the pair having guided Xicoa to consecutive titles, their first in more than twenty years, and consecutive Liga-TQ qualifications. It was the first of a series of statements of intent. They targeted experienced Tueish centrehalf Frank Kolar as their first real Cosmopolito, signing the 30-year old from Zvezda Vlaikograd for ₸2.2m; and then took on cash rivals Motozintla for the prized signature of national team striker Roxelio Toran, paying a domestic transfer record ₸4m to Cuipa Azul for his services and giving Gedeó Dosrius at Moto a bloody nose in the process. It was a move that has cemented the new modern rivalry between the nation's two money clubs, and first strike goes to The Wights. Haïtiens, the Grupo Taxhavn reboot, have arrived. Further signings followed from home and abroad, as Tomás Cabal prepares for a season of challenge and, in finally stating their ambitions publicly, their intention to reach the Liga-TQ closura for the first time. Standing in their way? The big clubs in the state of course are Fábrica and Argón, though both are presently well below their best - reigning state champions Independiencia, their housemates at the Metrópoli, are the main contenders, and right there is another refreshed rivalry that will make for fascinating watching. In the city of their home, Fábrica Tapalupe have been their other key rivals, and it has largely been one-way success as the old Haïtiens forever failed to match their counterparts in footballing success, despite being the more popularly supported club. Wights supporters are hoping, above all, to finish higher in the table than The Spanners, and this could be their season...

[Tequilo]

OCOTAPA

All eyes may have briefly been on big spenders Haïtiens this season, but it was cross town rivals Fábrica, under new manager Francisco Javier Sandoval, who stormed to the title with the best team performance across the state championships since the invincibles of Cooperativa way back in the seventies. Losing only one game - to The Coop in fact - on the way to a massive 65 point haul, it was the work ethic, high pressing approach and team togetherness of Sandoval's charges that really made the difference; and a group of three young emerging strikers - Gael Casaus, youth product Shòxà Su and ₸1.6m new signing Anakleto, all under 23 - working alongside veteran Felix Agramont, who provided a rotating strike force that dominated defences right across the league, leaving everyone in their wake. Nepharim captain Fiete Tannhaeuser and national team fixture Ricardo Bailén provided the ammunition from the wings as they vied for MVP in this young improving team that caught everyone by surprise to reach the Liga-TQ closura for the first time. In what looked like a familiar top two for the Ocotapa State, Argón took the runners-up spot and a Liga-TQ Proxima placing, improving on two previous third-place finishes and maintaining their 100% Liga-TQ qualification record. Whilst no match for rivals Fábrica, they just about edged moneybags Haïtiens, ahead on goal difference from The Wights who took the final Liga-TQ slot in their first season back after the relegation years. Wights fans may have secretly been hoping for an audacious title, but this is surely an impressive start for shady banking owners Grupo Taxhavn.

With the league reshuffle next season the unforgiving relegation scenario claimed some serious scalps with former champions Naranja, SC Bravo and the Railwaymen of AS Ferrocarril all dropping a division, along with Socrates who will allegedly be in for their favourite ex-player and legend in his own lunchbox Mosey Ackanard to manage them back to the top flight. They will join another Tapalupé City-based big hitter in the second tier in the form of Galaxía, in the depths of depressing doldrums who, despite a half decent season, still missed out on getting back to the top flight as Estudiantes of Tacranza beat them to the one promotion spot in this special restructuring season.

   1-Ocotapa                Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 Fábrica Tapalupé          26   20   5   1    57   26  +31    65  Liga-TQ Primera
 2 Argón Tacranza            26   14   6   6    47   28  +19    48  Liga-TQ Proxima
 3 Haïtiens                  26   14   6   6    42   24  +18    48  Liga-TQ Pequeña
 4 Pelotón                   26   13   1  12    50   48   +2    40
 5 Independiencia            26   11   6   9    44   42   +2    39
 6 Cuba Tapalupé             26   11   5  10    40   42   −2    38
 7 Cooperativa               26   10   6  10    43   41   +2    36
 8 Ascension San Pasito      26   10   5  11    32   36   −4    35
 9 Tenís de Tacranza         26    7   8  11    38   50  −12    29
10 AS Ferrocarril            26    7   8  11    40   54  −14    29  Relegated to 2-Sección
11 Boca Cielo                26    7   7  12    33   40   −7    28  Relegated to 2-Sección
12 Socrates                  26    6   6  14    27   39  −12    24  Relegated to 2-Sección
13 SC Bravo Cuahjuluca       26    6   6  14    29   42  −13    24  Relegated to 2-Sección
14 Naranja                   26    4   9  13    34   44  −10    21  Relegated to 2-Sección

   2-Ocotapa                Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 Estudiantes Tacranza      38   22   8   8    85   54  +31    74  Promoted to 1-Sección; Liga-TQ Eliminatorio
 2 Galaxía                   38   21  10   7    60   30  +30    73
 3 SC Cañazas                38   19   5  14    63   56   +7    62
 4 SC Hormigas               38   18   4  16    75   67   +8    58
 5 Irregulares Quetodino     38   16  10  12    62   57   +5    58
 6 Cimarrones Desatas        38   15  11  12    65   56   +9    56
 7 Deportivo Tapa            38   15  11  12    59   58   +1    56
 8 Asociación Hueyac         38   16   7  15    48   47   +1    55
 9 El Ejército               38   15   9  14    55   48   +7    54
10 Siete Onze Espato         38   14  11  13    59   48  +11    53
11 Nacionál SP               38   14  11  13    52   50   +2    53
12 Reyes Católicos           38   15   8  15    54   56   −2    53
13 Chapulineros              38   13  12  13    54   57   −3    51
14 SC Marcapira              38   11  15  12    42   46   −4    48
15 Sociedad Santos           38   11  14  13    52   48   +4    47
16 Hondureños                38   13   8  17    45   65  −20    47  Relegated to 3-Sección
17 Unión Tapa                38   10  12  16    47   60  −13    42  Relegated to 3-Sección
18 Goya Tacranza             38    9  14  15    38   51  −13    41  Relegated to 3-Sección
19 Distrito Atela            38    7   9  22    31   57  −26    30  Relegated to 3-Sección
20 Coyotes                   38    7   9  22    42   77  −35    30  Relegated to 3-Sección

   3-Ocotapa                Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 611 Rosado                38   21  10   7    58   35  +23    73  Promoted to 2-Sección
 2 Escandinavos              38   19  11   8    67   46  +21    68
 3 Gorilas Tapalupé          38   20   7  11    64   43  +21    67
 4 Gil de Roblado            38   18  10  10    51   43   +8    64
 5 10 AS Cuahjuluca          38   18   8  12    72   53  +19    62
 6 Mondragon                 38   17   7  14    54   57   −3    58
 7 Pirillos                  38   15   9  14    48   44   +4    54
 8 La Visa                   38   14  10  14    45   46   −1    52
 9 498.Desafito              38   13  12  13    71   70   +1    51
10 AC de Galvas              38   14   9  15    60   65   −5    51
11 Tortugas Linio            38   15   6  17    60   66   −6    51
12 San Jonito                38   14   8  16    59   59    0    50
13 Skelinga Santa Clares     38   12  10  16    44   49   −5    46
14 Grupo Capybara            38   12  10  16    60   69   −9    46
15 SC Aguaprofunda           38   11  13  14    47   56   −9    46
16 Refugiado-AC              38   12   9  17    54   58   −4    45
17 Mulareño                  38   12   8  18    57   73  −16    44  Relegated to 4-Sección
18 Späristas                 38   11   8  19    56   71  −15    41  Relegated to 4-Sección
19 Florés Pasito             38   11   7  20    51   62  −11    40  Relegated to 4-Sección
20 Pumas                     38   10  10  18    42   55  −13    40  Relegated to 4-Sección

---

GRUPO TAXHAVN
BUILDING A CLUB AS AN INTERNATIONAL FOOTBALL EMPIRE

---

Though perhaps hoping for an instant title win for their club, Haïtiens fans would have secretly bitten your hand off for a third-placed finish in their first season back under the reins of the shady banking group, and a place in the Liga-TQ closura. Certainly for the owners, who are not overstating their ambitions like cash-rivals Motozintla but letting their chequebook do the talking, a consolidation season was what they were expecting and new coach Tomás Cabal gave them that and some. Highlights of the season so far have been their marquee signings, proving to be highly successful if expensive gambles. Teuso centreback Frank Kolar has been a man mountain at the back for The Wights and instantly won himself the epithet of fan-favourite for his full-blooded defending, while domestic record signing Roxelio Toran has again been banging in the goals for fun as he settled instantly in this hastily rebuilt team. I say hastily - you would never know to watch them that two thirds of this team were complete strangers to each other at the beginning of the season. Young Græntfjalli defensive midfielder Valtter Marvinsson and Tikari striker Cody Toa have both proven to be endorsements for the club's foreign policy as they fixed themselves firmly into Cabal's regular starting XI, while Farv winger Váásîlóénün Jóf had another fine season. Not afraid to build from within - indeed, the owners have been clear that despite record signings and multiversal scouting, it is the academy and growing-your-own which remains the overarching priority for the future - two 18-year old youth products made a big splash with regular appearances and plenty of promise - attacking midfielder Hector Hurtado and striker Pasca Apitolla both winning the adoration of Wights supporters and a place in the national under-18s for the youth world cup in Chromatika.

Haïtiens have always been one of the best supported clubs in the country, despite never really rewarding their fans with much to shout about. Four state championships in 125 years is a paltry return. City rivals Fábrica, Galaxía and even stadium sharers Independiencia all have more honours to their name than The Wights. Now is a time of optimism, perhaps for the first time in their history, although some argue unfulfilled optimism is in everlasting supply at Estadio Metrópoli, is the fuel of the club and it's huge supporter base. But now, for the first time in an age, there seems real hope that Haïtiens can compete for honours with their capital city rivals. Wights fans then should be delighted with this first season back in the top flight, and a debut to come in Liga-TQ.

"¡A la verga!" says lifelong supporter 'Orejas Grandes', "¡Pollas en vinagre! ¡No me jodás, pinche idiota!" which approximately translates as 'certainly not!'. If there is one thing you don't want in your recovery season, on your long road to rehabilitation and the promised land of shiny glories, it's Fábrica Tapalupé having the best season in their history. "¡Me cago en todo lo que se menea!" he says, explaining that it's hard to like The Spanners, even when you are doing well.

[Tequilo]

CULT STORIES, EVERY SEASON

---

TRACE & TRACK SPECIAL
POSÍDON THE EARTH-SHAKER, AKA JOAN-OBIKO SORARRAINARTE

---

Part 1

When we launched our occasional Trace & Track column in GOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL-a! Daily we won over a dedicated following of Tequiloa, plus one or two foreign types, for the historical investigative series, and there have been plenty of calls for more. But what rabbit hole did we plunge down when we decided to find out what happened to infamous club mascot Posídon of Nómada Club, and The Man Behind The Mask - or underneath the costume - Joan-Obiko Sorarrainarte? This is the story of one man's rise and fall within the strict regimen of the cult-like mascot's union, El Número Extraordinario.

Joan-Obiko Sorarrainarte, or Biko to his mother and friends - well, his mother really - started watching the All-Greens as a kid back in the late seventies. He recalls going to the rickety old stadium, the Encampment, very early in the morning, on the instruction of his uncle Julio, and sneaking in under the terrace through an unattached fence panel that he could peel out and replace, then waiting patiently under the decking until the men would start to filter in through the turnstiles. He would join his uncle, taking an old oranges & limes crate to stand on, and watch Nómada Club take on some of the very best in the country, and often win at their fortress of a home ground. Though never the greatest club in Tequilo - or even their home state of Puezan - they were the biggest in the rugged port city of Iparra and still a fearsome team on their home turf. How times have changed for the club that had, and still has, the biggest football nursery system in the country - with hundreds of young players pulling on the green shirts of Nómada every week across the city in their youth set up, and dozens of top players down the years, all over the country, counting Nómada Club as their Alma Mata. Associated with the merchant navy of Puezan, they take their name from the 'sea nomads' - los nómadas del mar - who historically ventured out westward into the far uncharted waters of the Wide Enness Ocean, and are surrounded by the rich symbolism of the superstitious seafaring communities of Iparra. Biko recalls that in his youth, the club mascot was Juan el Bucanero, a raucous piratical fellow who would stalk the perimeter of matches trying to incite violence against visiting supporters. Well, you have to remember these were different times.

Biko, they say, was a quiet and neurotic sort of child, with few friends. The loss of his father at sea, before Biko had even formed any solid memory of him, undermined his confidence and his protective mother was, perhaps, overbearing in his formative years. His unlce Julio provided some respite, introducing him to the All-Greens and being his regular companion at The Encampment, though some of Julio's rowdy chums were not to his liking and he didn't enjoy the various shenanigans they employed to 'toughen him up a bit'. When Julio died in a tragi-comic industrial accident at the tunnyfish canning factory, Biko moved away from the ultras and into the family section with the other kids, though he went alone and didn't relate well to other kids. But it was there he first interacted with Juan el Bucanero who spent a lot of time clowning around with the youngsters and recruiting the bigger ones to the ultras. Biko was drawn to his easy gait, and, emotionally vulnerable as he was, installed him as a nominal father figure. He decided to be a hooligan, at Juan de Bucanero's urging, but found to his great frustration and embarrassment, he didn't have the cojones for it. His career in hooliganism came to a faltering, false start.

During Biko's twenties the appetite for violent mascots inciting violence at football grounds seemed to disappear, and Juan de Bucanero, real name Febo Etchebarneborde and known to his mates as Febo Five-Knuckle, was arrested and sent down for two thousand six hundred retrospective counts of affray and rioting, carrying a sentence of five years. When he came out, he found himself banned for life from The Encampment; and for nearly two decades Nómada was without an official club mascot. And then, about twelve years ago, the club decided it was time for a family friendly cheer leader in the vein of those popping up all over the country, a far cry from the old fighting cocks, and approached the mascot's union, El Número Extraordinario, to help them design a safe and cheery sort of example, opting not to return to the dark history of Juan de Bucanero. Turning to other sea-based symbols appropriate for the port city of Iparra, they chose the sailor's best friend and worst enemy, a mythical god of the sea, Posídon the Earth-Shaker; they designed a suitably elaborate get-up, and advertised for the post of Official Club Mascot. It was time for Joan-Obiko Sorarrainarte to realise his destiny. His interview with club officials is the stuff of legend. The persona that emerged from him when he donned the Earth-Shaker's fishy outfit, the kraken unbound, was the stuff of legend. The titles he won at the National Mascot Convention, six national championship titles in eight years made him the stuff of legend in the mascot community. And the thing that grew inside him, inside the costume, inside the Nómada Club - how he fell from grace with El Número Extraordinario - is the great untold story of Cheer Leading, the Tequilo Way. The stuff of legend. "He terrified me," said Febo Five-Knuckle at the Mascotgate Inquiry... but that is a story for another cut-off.

§

Today I visited Joan-Obiko Sorarrainarte at his mother's old apartment in Puertomar, a throwback dockside district of Iparra that seemed like it had not changed since his youth in the seventies, save that it had decayed a bit. Dacayed a lot, actually. "Call me Biko," says the frail man in bottle-bottom glasses, grey cardigan and slippers, as he brews a pot of coffee. "Mother is having a nap, so you have timed your visit perfectly."

We start with a few pleasantries, some small talk. So, what do you make of Nómada's decline over the last couple of seasons, I ask him. A momentary shadow seems to move across his face, so distinct I almost turn to see if mother has snuck up on me and cut off the light - but there is no-one there. "Hassocks," he says, spitting the strange word as if clearing his throat, "hassocks!"

As suddenly as it came, the shadow clears.

"Do excuse me," he says, the frailness returning with a weak smile, "I think the coffee went down the wrong way there. Now, where were we? The All-Greens? Decline? Terrible, isn't it. Very sad. Espresso, young man?"

[Tequilo]

PUEZAN

It has been twelve years since Sporta last won the state championship and as the second best team in the state behind CFFA, it was certainly overdue. The appointment three seasons ago of head coach Anxo Neyra has certainly paid dividends over time as he has guided this team to improved finishes in each of his three seasons, to deliver the state crown and a shot at the national title this season. Key to his success has been his excellent defensive quartet of Alexo Orcain, Zoil Artozquin, Wightling veteran Oldus Tirvery, 35, and youth academy product Kripan Urrechaurizar, 19. Even rather average keeper Salvador Collazo seems to have had the season of his life, boosted no doubt by his confidence in the wall in front of him. Goals were hardly in short supply either, though spread out through this well oiled machine; main strikers Ginto Zidane and Orixe scoring less than most of the top end strike pairings but having more assists, with winger Lorenzo Barcia especially weighing in with a healthy goal tally. Unable to defend their long-awaited title of last season, finishing five points adrift of The Imps and now falling even further behind deadly rivals Pitxi-Pitxi 77, runners-up CF Frantxizko-A will have the dubious honour of becoming the first team to compete in all three divisions of Liga-TQ, this time in the middle Proxima division after previously appearing in both the Primera and Pequeña. Perhaps their second biggest rivals after the 77o are of course KKA Bixintxo who qualify for the closura for the first time in third, their best finish since their last title win six seasons ago.

It was double cause to celebrate for Sporta fans as their stadium co-habitants and rivals Urbo, after such a good season last time around, could not overcome their massive loss of talent in pre-season to finish in the relegation zone and a rare drop into the second tier as they face a massive rebuilding project; they will be joined by Telmo-Léal, considered the 'fake' club which was a merger of two moderately good clubs with the intent to make a very good one - that project has suffered a major setback as they also fall through the trap door. Coming the other way, Atléta Idal surprised everyone to take the title and make their first visit to the top flight for seventy years.

In the third tier, or 3-Sección, it was an unmitigated disaster for former state champion Nómada Club, slipping out of the State League and into the amateur wilderness of 4-Sección, something unthinkable just a few years ago. What will become of the famous Nómada development system, which is the biggest youth football club in Tequilo?

   1-Puezan                 Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 Sporta Ibaeta             26   16   6   4    50   26  +24    54  Liga-TQ Primera
 2 CF Frantxizko-A           26   14   7   5    50   36  +14    49  Liga-TQ Proxima
 3 KKA Bixintxo              26   13   6   7    43   38   +5    45  Liga-TQ Pequeña
 4 Peru Urzagui              26   12   5   9    37   32   +5    41
 5 Polibio                   26   12   5   9    41   37   +4    41
 6 Demokrito                 26    9  11   6    41   36   +5    38
 7 Erreal Tiresias           26    9   9   8    32   33   −1    36
 8 FT Orazun                 26   10   5  11    37   40   −3    35
 9 Unuiĝinta                 26   10   3  13    36   40   −4    33
10 Telmo-Léal                26    8   6  12    37   34   +3    30  Relegated to 2-Sección
11 Argentinako               26    8   5  13    31   41  −10    29  Relegated to 2-Sección
12 Urbo Ibaeta               26    5  11  10    35   44   −9    26  Relegated to 2-Sección
13 Aliantza Iparra           26    7   5  14    34   45  −11    26  Relegated to 2-Sección
14 Urbo Polibio              26    3   8  15    25   47  −22    17  Relegated to 2-Sección

   2-Puezan                 Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 Atléta Idal               38   19   9  10    61   40  +21    66  Promoted to 1-Sección; Liga-TQ Eliminatorio
 2 Erresistentzia            38   17  11  10    63   49  +14    62
 3 Lotsagarria               38   17  11  10    56   45  +11    62
 4 Orkak                     38   17  11  10    47   38   +9    62
 5 Batasuna Telmo            38   18   8  12    58   51   +7    62
 6 Poliziaren                38   17   9  12    61   56   +5    60
 7 Errefuxiatu               38   15  14   9    63   55   +8    59
 8 Dinamo Iragartze          38   16  10  12    62   45  +17    58
 9 Cáfunda                   38   16   9  13    68   53  +15    57
10 SC Reten                  38   16   8  14    64   66   −2    56
11 Lertxun Iparra            38   14  10  14    50   49   +1    52
12 FT Istaso                 38   15   7  16    50   53   −3    52
13 Itaete-Orazun             38   13  12  13    45   44   +1    51
14 SC Azcarreta              38   14   9  15    51   53   −2    51
15 Atléta Reten              38   13  11  14    49   53   −4    50
16 Olimpika                  38   12  11  15    41   45   −4    47  Relegated to 3-Sección
17 Sarrazenos                38   13   8  17    53   64  −11    47  Relegated to 3-Sección
18 Urzagui CF-72             38    7  10  21    47   70  −23    31  Relegated to 3-Sección
19 Retenaiko                 38    6  10  22    35   65  −30    28  Relegated to 3-Sección
20 Elkarte Reten             38    4  14  20    32   62  −30    26  Relegated to 3-Sección

   3-Puezan                 Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 Urugaiko                  38   20   9   9    68   52  +16    69  Promoted to 2-Sección
 2 Santutxoa                 38   19  10   9    61   51  +10    67
 3 Wanderers AK              38   19   8  11    66   47  +19    65
 4 Astojaurtiketak           38   19   7  12    62   52  +10    64
 5 Elkarte Iragartze         38   17  10  11    59   51   +8    61
 6 Bolivaro                  38   16  12  10    68   56  +12    60
 7 Atléta Iragartze          38   15  12  11    70   61   +9    57
 8 Unuio Reten               38   16   7  15    52   56   −4    55
 9 Buruzagia                 38   14  11  13    59   60   −1    53
10 Unuio Alaiz               38   14  11  13    56   61   −5    53
11 Espainiako Urzagui        38   14  10  14    58   60   −2    52
12 Bezala                    38   15   6  17    57   58   −1    51
13 Langile Konplexua         38   13  10  15    60   62   −2    49
14 KA Iparra                 38   14   5  19    51   53   −2    47
15 FK Alaiz                  38   12   9  17    43   49   −6    45
16 Txibia Orazun             38   11   9  18    58   61   −3    42
17 Uharteko Estatuak Polai   38   11   8  19    51   67  −16    41  Relegated to 4-Sección
18 BA Ibaeta                 38   10  11  17    49   65  −16    41  Relegated to 4-Sección
19 Nómada Club               38   11   6  21    51   61  −10    39  Relegated to 4-Sección
20 Hego Muturra              38    9  11  18    44   60  −16    38  Relegated to 4-Sección

---

TRACE & TRACK SPECIAL
POSÍDON THE EARTH-SHAKER, AKA JOAN-OBIKO SORARRAINARTE

---

Against my better judgement, given how the last interview went before the season started and considering I was still not fully recovered from my injuries, I decided to find out how Biko was coping after the All-Greens utterly disastrous season. Five years ago this club was a decent top tier side, feared at their own ground, The Encampment, where they could beat anyone on their day. Relegation to the second tier was a shock. Relegation to the third tier two seasons later was an absolute stunner. Failure to win immediate promotion was unspeakably rubbish. But now... who could even think it? Nómada Club out of the State Championship? It doesn't seem real.

I rang the doorbell at Biko's mum's flat in Puertomar, by the docks in Iparra, fully prepared to be attacked again by the unpredictable former club mascot who had assaulted me at the end of an interview before the season started when we got too deep into his story of mascots, madness and murderous intent. And when I say fully prepared, I mean I was wearing a flak jacket, a police riot helmet, and carrying a laminated polycarbonate anti-missile shield. I was poised, as I had been trained by the local division of the Puezan State Militia, with my feet anchored at cardinal points and slightly bent forward to lower my centre of gravity in the case of a charge. I was breathing loudly, puffing to increase my heart rate and adrenalin flow, providing me with more strength in the ruck and greater brain processing to react to threat. I considered banging my truncheon on my shield but remembered at the last moment that the militia had not agreed to give me a truncheon.

I rang the doorbell again. I couldn't hear any movement, didn't see a flickering of a curtain or a shadow through the frosted window into the hallway. I was about to ring a third time, and was considering kicking the door in using my recent militia training to identify the weak point where the lock bolt would give, when the neighbouring door opened and a salty fishwife stepped out. "Are you alright, love?" she asked in a thick Iparran accent.

"I'm looking for Biko. Joan-Obika Sorarrainarte. Have you seen him?"

"Sorry love," she said, looking me up and down with amusement, "he'll be at his mother's funeral. I should come back tomorrow if I were you... you'll not be needing that get-up though, he's perfectly harmless these days."

First Nómada Club, and now this. Biko certainly isn't having a good year.

[Tequilo]

COPA SEASON 125

El Gran Gallo, The Grand Old Father [Lit: Cockerel; Collq: progenitor, father] of Tequiloan football and national knockout cup competition, the Copa Tequilo is one of the oldest competitions in the Costelloan diaspora, and possibly The Wide Enness Ocean: having surpassed 120 years of organised pitxi, the Copa is at least very old, by Yuman standards. Not only is the Grand Old Father truly ancient, it is extremely difficult to win - with over 600 teams taking part over a two-season cycle, no one team has been truly dominant. The mighty CF Frantxizko-A, commonly CFFA or Los Oros, The Golds, have won the most titles - a meagre six in almost a century and a quarter of competition.

A preliminary competition, La Copa Del Pueblo or commonly Copa Pueblo - The People's Cup - runs every season, providing a stepping stone to the Copa Tequilo the following season. Running strictly for the 4-Sección amateur tiers, the Copa Peublo does proceed all the way to a final and provides for an overall winner, but perhaps more importantly, the final sixteen teams of the Copa Peublo automatically qualify for the following season's Copa Tequilo. Beginning with an extra preliminary round to reduce the field from 16 to 10 from the Copa Peublo, the Copa Tequilo includes the lowest ranked 3-Sección semi-pro teams joining in the preliminary round; the majority of 3-Sección starting the first round proper; 2-Sección joining in the second round; and the top flight 1-Sección teams joining in the fourth round. There are a further five rounds leading to the final, known as El Gallo Dorado, The Golden Cock, which is so enthusiastically anticipated and so widely followed in Tequilo that it falls on a national holiday all of its own.

COPA TEQUILO - EARLY ROUNDS

Fourth, third and second tier sides fight through four rounds of matches in the hope of a plum fourth round tie against one of the top teams, and this year we follow three teams trying to get to the promised land of the fourth round, where all the top sides come in to play and there is the chance of a big old payout. We'll be looking out for Xose Rón, Dolores and Old Man Jenkins at Sardíneros, and struggling former giants Nómada Club, both entering the fray in the first round; while Mosey Ackanard's Mejillones Lipa begin Copa life in the second.

Copa Preliminario

             BA Ibaeta 1–1 Cortadores Margarita 	(1–2 AET)
          Florencio SM 0–5 Bastardos de Toyan
  Los Pozos de Herrera 1–2 Unión Zamolaco
   Chimpancés Guayabal 1–4 Factoría Calzacon
         Guardabosques 3–1 Bayona Comitán
  Unionistas El Quetan 0–2 Atlético Riba
         Polideportivo 2–2 Pateadores Torente 		(3–2 AET)
      Atléta Iragartze 2–0 Dolores
       Amanexü Norteño 1–5 Mondragon
   Oinezkoentzat Telmo 3–1 Deportivo Gironella
         Gorrasblancas 1–3 Olano
                 Pumas 4–2 Chile-33
             Buruzagia 1–0 Jugadores Florenio
   Audaces Engañadores 2–1 Urritxe
       SC Aguaprofunda 2–1 Palacio Gardaresso
       Gimnàstic Ciupa 2–1 Eguzki Tiresias
               La Visa 1–2 Castaliá Guadatral
     Langile Konplexua 2–3 Compañónes

Sardíneros begin with a potential banana skin in the first round with a home tie over non-league Puezani side Oinezkoentzat Telmo - and successfully navigate past them into the second round with a less than convincing 1-0 win, and matching their best ever cup progress since they have never managed to go past the second round. For 3-Sección contemporaries Nómada Club, former Puezan State Champions and still boasting the biggest youth team system in the country, it seems unimaginable that they would have to play this early in the cup, and yet here they are. A 1-0 away victory at Atlético Esteno at least ensures passage to the second round, something hardly guaranteed with the All-Greens starting poorly in the league.

Copa Round 1

   Cancho Quillahuaman 1–1 Factoría Calzacon 		(3–1 AET)
           Merkatondoa 3–0 Atlético Patoto
    Castaliá Guadatral 2–0 Tamarindica Muna
          Escandinavos 2–1 AC de Galvas
             Mondragon 2–3 Txibia Orazun
  Cortadores Margarita 4–4 Ballenas Alcaraiso 		(5–4 AET)
              Bolivaro 0–1 Etxegoian
         Iberamericano 0–0 Real Notario 		(1–0 AET)
            611 Rosado 1–0 10 AS Cuahjuluca
            Compañónes 3–1 Recreativo Cuara
     Braçayda Mexía SC 4–4 Montañeros 			(5–5 AET) (4–2 pen.)
         Atlético Riba 1–0 Buruzagia
             San Masón 0–0 Bezala 			(0–0 AET) (5–4 pen.)
          Hego Muturra 0–1 Espainiako Urzagui
             KA Iparra 1–1 Unión Argain 		(1–2 AET)
von Steteren Germaniká 1–0 Huayna Colombino
          Cebra Cebras 3–0 Polideportivo
              Arcángel 0–1 Unuio Reten
            Merenciano 2–3 Golondrinas
            Sardíneros 1–0 Oinezkoentzat Telmo
               El Mazo 0–0 Villa Guadratal 		(0–2 AET)
              Urugaiko 1–1 AS Colquehuanca 		(1–1 AET) (3–5 pen.)
             Mecánicos 1–0 Bastardos de Toyan
       Atlético Esteno 0–1 Nómada
     Constitución Yaya 1–1 Luis de Lunar IX 		(2–1 AET)
 Skelinga Santa Clares 3–1 Sociedad Ciuredor
          498.Desafito 1–0 Florés Pasito
         El Soportante 2–3 Santutxoa
              Pirillos 2–0 Helmántico
             CF Siervo 1–1 Hielo Permanante 		(1–1 AET) (2–0 pen.)
        Laguna de Léon 2–0 Astojaurtiketak
        Ciudad Senzapa 1–0 Barrachina-Itxa
             Búfalo-66 3–1 Unión Zamolaco
          Wanderers AK 4–3 Espartanos
              FK Alaiz 2–1 Astillero Ciuredor
       Los Murciélagos 2–2 Capitán Belmoro 		(3–3 AET) (3–2 pen.)
         Camp Esportiu 3–3 Tortugas Linio 		(4–3 AET)
          Refugiado-AC 1–0 Burros Selvatíco
        Proyecto Gotán 2–0 Alumbrados
           Llaro Marín 1–0 Costello Raití
            Partisanos 1–1 Distrito Roldán 		(3–2 AET)
   Mártires San Anreso 7–2 Uharteko Estatuak Polai
             Späristas 0–4 Albaviedo
       SC Aguaprofunda 4–1 Gil de Roblado
              Mulareño 1–0 Ciclistas Aticenta
         Guardabosques 0–0 Indalezio 			(0–0 AET) (5–4 pen.)
                 Olano 4–2 Audaces Engañadores
         CF Guanarillo 0–1 Atlético Trinidad
      Gorilas Tapalupé 2–1 Grupo Capybara
      Atléta Iragartze 0–1 San Jonito
           Hoqué-Coqué 3–1 El Mizona
 Extremo Norte Sezalco 2–2 Racing Azéma 		(2–2 AET) (5–3 pen.)
       Gimnàstic Ciupa 1–3 Gladiadores
     Elkarte Iragartze 0–0 Pumas 			(1–0 AET)
            Qiwa Tulan 3–1 Cartagonova
           Ciudad Yaya 0–0 Unuio Alaiz 			(1–0 AET)

Nómada Club exit at the second round stage with defeat at home to second tier state neighbours SC Reten, going down 2-3 in an entertaining game that ends their hopes of a big pay day and confirms their new and unwanted status as a no-mark club with little to look forward to this season. Not so no-mark Sardíneros, who are enjoying life as a club who never have much to look forward to but under apprentice manager Tim Knute-Grahn were hopeful they might get beyond their glass ceiling of the second round this year... but they were well beaten at home, 0-3, by Pirillos of the Ocotapa 3-Sección, a team they secretly were hoping they could match. Reality bites, harder than Old Man Jenkins' dentures. Meanwhile Mosey Ackanard starts his copa campaign with a bang as The Mussels thrash Lotsagarria 5-1 to send them rocketing into the third round.

Copa Round 2

            Sarrazenos 5–2 JS Solistahuacan
        PK Xicocomitán 3–3 Golondrinas 			(3–3 AET) (4–3 pen.)
            Partisanos 0–1 SC Raití
          Atléta Reten 0–1 Lope de Salmeron
         Goya Tacranza 3–1 Albarracín
          Progresso CF 2–1 Unión Argain
      AC Simón Paravar 1–0 Castaliá Guadatral
     Pelóta San Mérito 2–0 Masvidal Toyan
          SC Azcarreta 2–1 AS Tonalá
         Comuna Cailon 2–1 SC Horcontitos
   Mártires San Anreso 1–2 Unión Tapa
     Sindicato Torente 1–2 Cáfunda
             Académico 0–1 1492 Carranza
           Errefuxiatu 2–4 SC Marcapira
          Wanderers AK 1–3 Chapulineros
          Colegio Nísa 3–3 Atléta Idal 			(4–3 AET)
            SC Cañazas 1–1 Esqueletos 			(2–1 AET)
           Nacionál SP 2–4 Hoqué-Coqué
        Deportivo Tapa 2–1 Villa Comaltitlán
          Escolásticos 0–0 Iberamericano 		(0–0 AET) (3–2 pen.)
        Flechas Azules 3–0 Distrito Atela
     Constitución Yaya 1–2 El Chilamatos
           Ciudad Yaya 1–4 Gimnástico Calcazon
             San Masón 2–0 Retenaiko
            Sardíneros 0–3 Pirillos
           La Conon CF 1–0 Mulareño
         Zamalakarregi 0–0 Poliziaren 			(1–0 AET)
       Villa Guadratal 1–0 Cebra Cebras
      Blanco Horizonte 1–3 Clazada Larga
        Ciuredor Orden 1–0 Txibia Orazun
                Nómada 2–3 SC Reten
            611 Rosado 5–3 Atlético Riba
          RC Olentzaro 2–2 Taíno 			(2–2 AET) (5–4 pen.)
            Hondureños 0–1 Finca Cailon
   Aserrío de Garriché 5–2 Gorilas Tapalupé
   Las Navas de Talosa 0–0 498.Desafito 		(1–0 AET)
       Juniors Chazapa 2–1 RCD Calzacon
    Espainiako Urzagui 0–2 Estudiantes Tacranza
            Farvedilos 0–1 Orkak
        El Rinoceronte 1–0 Santutxoa
       SC Aguaprofunda 0–0 Eslavosonidos 		(1–0 AET)
               CF Lipa 3–1 von Steteren Germaniká
         Guardabosques 1–1 El Ejército 			(1–4 AET)
              FK Alaiz 2–2 Daring Monvador 		(4–2 AET)
        Combinar Toyan 1–1 Arma de Fuego 		(1–1 AET) (2–4 pen.)
     Braçayda Mexía SC 0–1 Chiapula de Corzo AC
         Itaete-Orazun 1–0 SC Kukalayos
         Arsenál Ciupa 2–0 SC Hormigas
        Los Anasticios 3–0 SC Metetí
 CF Blay de Sant Roman 1–1 Errentes Monvador 		(2–3 AET)
             Antigüaya 1–0 Camp Esportiu
      Ciudad Cuahtémoc 2–2 CF Siervo 			(3–2 AET)
            Qiwa Tulan 0–1 SC Tescoa
        Proyecto Gotán 0–1 Venustianos
        Sporta Oroboro 4–2 Entenza AS
 Irregulares Quetodino 3–4 FT Istaso
          La Milega AC 3–4 Elkarte Reten
        Lertxun Iparra 0–2 Asociación Hueyac
                Sorcia 0–1 Dinamo Iragartze
              Ganzábal 5–5 Elkarte Iragartze 		(5–5 AET) (4–3 pen.)
           Los Índices 3–4 Toro Reyes
             Intramura 0–1 SC Bozoa
        Hércules Ciupa 2–0 Llaro Marín
     Pelóta San Anreso 0–1 Deportivo Requexón
       Los Murciélagos 1–0 Cimarrones Desatas
             Búfalo-66 2–2 Tumuloa Xico 		(2–2 AET) (5–3 pen.)
      Insurgentes Nísa 0–0 Erresistentzia 		(2–0 AET)
 Skelinga Santa Clares 1–2 RCD La Constancia
              Olimpika 3–1 Etxegoian
       Sociedad Santos 2–1 Laguna de Léon
             Albaviedo 2–3 Senzapa de Oro
       Reyes Católicos 1–0 Compañónes
          SC Alcaraiso 0–1 Siete Onze Espato
       AS Colquehuanca 2–2 Escandinavos 		(3–3 AET) (4–2 pen.)
          Refugiado-AC 0–0 Unión Cuara 			(1–1 AET) (4–5 pen.)
     Atlético Trinidad 2–1 Olano
           Unuio Reten 4–2 Flamencos
       Mejillones Lipa 5–1 Lotsagarria
         Yugo Arradura 2–2 Equipo Muna 			(2–3 AET)
        Bocas del Toro 4–0 Rápido Raití
     Hipopótamo-Joaxha 0–1 Batasuna Telmo
  Cortadores Margarita 2–1 Edicto de Fe
             Mecánicos 0–1 Galaxía
   Cancho Quillahuaman 2–2 Ciudad Senzapa 		(3–2 AET)
               Coyotes 0–0 San Jonito 			(0–0 AET) (4–3 pen.)
         Urzagui CF-72 1–2 Llamas Texidor
 Extremo Norte Sezalco 1–2 Gladiadores
           Merkatondoa 1–2 Unión Esteno

Taking on the team that eliminated The Sardines and his good friend Tim Knute-Grahn in the last round, Mosey Ackanard guides his team into the fourth round with a comfortable 1-0 win at Pirillos, where the score flattered the home side and Mosey got on the team bus carping about making life difficult for themselves. But he'll be more than happy when he listens to the Copa draw and finds he's pulled a big one out of the hat, a home tie against top tier side and former Copa winners Continente Tulan. It's another opportunity to add to the growing stock of Mosey's managerial reputation, and he knows it.

Copa Round 3

            611 Rosado 0–1 Siete Onze Espato
           Gladiadores 1–0 FK Alaiz
                 Orkak 0–1 Ganzábal
           Unuio Reten 4–3 Cortadores Margarita
        Llamas Texidor 1–3 Comuna Cailon
         Arsenál Ciupa 2–3 Cáfunda
              SC Raití 2–2 SC Tescoa 			(3–3 AET) (4–5 pen.)
          RC Olentzaro 1–3 Deportivo Requexón
          Colegio Nísa 2–3 Estudiantes Tacranza
      Lope de Salmeron 0–2 Las Navas de Talosa
         Goya Tacranza 1–3 Batasuna Telmo
       Sociedad Santos 1–1 Reyes Católicos 		(2–2 AET) (5–4 pen.)
        El Rinoceronte 3–3 Atlético Trinidad 		(3–3 AET) (4–2 pen.)
           Venustianos 0–1 Senzapa de Oro
   Aserrío de Garriché 1–1 Errentes Monvador 		(2–2 AET) (4–5 pen.)
        Los Anasticios 3–3 Hoqué-Coqué 			(3–3 AET) (3–4 pen.)
          Progresso CF 0–0 Zamalakarregi 		(0–0 AET) (4–1 pen.)
             San Masón 0–1 Ciuredor Orden
            Unión Tapa 2–0 SC Bozoa
        Hércules Ciupa 2–2 Pelóta San Mérito		(3–2 AET)
               CF Lipa 0–1 Sarrazenos
     RCD La Constancia 3–1 FT Istaso
        PK Xicocomitán 2–2 Olimpika 			(2–3 AET)
        Deportivo Tapa 0–1 Finca Cailon
         Arma de Fuego 1–1 AS Colquehuanca 		(1–2 AET)
      Insurgentes Nísa 3–3 El Ejército 			(4–4 AET) (0–3 pen.)
       Villa Guadratal 2–0 Cancho Quillahuaman
      Dinamo Iragartze 5–2 Escolásticos
         Elkarte Reten 2–3 1492 Carranza
            Toro Reyes 5–1 SC Aguaprofunda
        Flechas Azules 1–1 Antigüaya 			(3–1 AET)
          SC Azcarreta 3–0 Coyotes
          Unión Esteno 0–4 Chiapula de Corzo AC
         Itaete-Orazun 1–0 Unión Cuara
   Gimnástico Calcazon 2–4 Clazada Larga
            SC Cañazas 5–1 Búfalo-66
           Equipo Muna 2–1 Asociación Hueyac
         El Chilamatos 1–1 Sporta Oroboro 		(1–2 AET)
      AC Simón Paravar 1–2 Ciudad Cuahtémoc
              Pirillos 0–1 Mejillones Lipa
               Galaxía 0–2 Chapulineros
       Los Murciélagos 1–0 Juniors Chazapa
           La Conon CF 3–1 SC Reten
          SC Marcapira 1–0 Bocas del Toro

[Tequilo]

INTERCONTINENTAL FOOTBALL

Last season's debut bow in intercontinental football showed some promising early signs - the highlight being Pitxi-Pitxi 77's march to the semi-final of the FFI Liga dos Vencedores; but in every competition, including the champions league, there were some exciting early wins and while the semi-final was the peak of achievements, there was every reason to feel that given time, the Tequiloa coul be competitive in intercontinental football. Coming into this second season, with Liga-TQ going from strength to strength, there was hope for Florentino to go a step further than the 77o in the Champions League; perhaps a group showing in the Challengers Cup, maybe an FFI final. How would Motozintla get on with their television project to make themselves great again?

In reality, as is often the case, the second season proved harder than the first, and in every competition apart from the Liga-B Champions Trophy, the Tequiloan results were worse than the season before, leaving everyone feeling perhaps a little deflated. And it may all have been so different, if Motozintla hadn't got themselves caught up in an administrative storm that saw them have no less than four famous victories disallowed... and it all made for glorious television.

4th IFCF Champions League

Las Violetas dropped into the Challengers Cup with less than a whimper in a disappointing exit from the Champions League at the first preliminary round, failing to score a goal but a least picking up a draw at their home ground, Villa Lego. After a hard-fought 0-0 with AC Acqui Bollente, Florentino were unable to rise to the occasion in Savigliane and were narrowly beaten 0-1, though it could have been more. Florentino were unable to match Pitxi-Pitxi 77 who the previous season had an earlier start, in the extra-preliminary round, and went on to the second round with four games unbeaten before losing to Crystal Fair FC; they now head to the Challengers Cup where their brief showing will be entirely overshadowed by the controversy at Moto, hogging the headlines as usual.

First Preliminary Round

(SVG)         AC Acqui Bollente    1–0    Florentino                (TEQ)   1–0   0–0

4th IFCF Challengers Cup

Almost as if Gedeó Dosrius had commanded it so, the big intercontinental story was at Motozintla, making their debut in the Challengers Cup and showing some remarkable promise with some famous results as they stormed into the Qualifying round and a pairing with mighty Valladar club of legend, Metropolis Alligators. On the back of a magnificent 3-1 home win over Turoki Tide - Turoki Tide no less! - there was every reason to hope that a first group stage entry in the main IFCF competitions could be achieved. But no. It was all imaginary. It did not happen, said the IFCF. We are sorry about your amazing giant-killing feats, they said, but they don't count.

It all stemmed from the win over Mercedinian side Chrilsia FC. The paperwork from the referee, said IFCF, was fudged. No, said the ref, it was the chap who faxes it to HQ got the wrong number, or fed it into the machine upside down, or something. No, said the slack faxer, it wasn't me. It must've been someone at the other end. Whatever - whoever - it was, didn't notice until after Moto's famous win over the Tide. An incredible night. They could've covered it up and carried on - that's what Gedeó would do, he raged in one episode of Make Moto Great Again. But no, they had to be honest about it. Moto were forced to retrace their steps and replay the Chrilsia FC match, where, in Mercedini, a much reinforced and better home side won 3-1, a defeat Moto could not overcome. A shock double win over Bakerites Dalton Town FC was scratched, an impressive 0-0 draw in Turoki and then that great, great win - truly Moto at the Greatest - also consigned to the dustbin of non-history. Moto have appealed, of course, but won't win, and they have declared the initial results the official ones in their club history. Motozintla fans have vowed to boo the IFCF at every opportunity, calling them fixers and grifters. It is a storm that might rage for eternity, or until Moto win the Champions League.

Meanwhile, almost under the radar, both CF Frantxizko-A and Florentino disappointed in their first ties, going out in the first and second preliminary rounds respectively; while Pitxi-Pitxi 77 at least got through two ties before falling on the away goals rule in the third preliminary round, making them the most successful team again from Tequilo (in the main two competitions), once you factor in, or rather factor out, the great run that never was from Motozintla.

First preliminary round
(TAE)          Laketown Rangers    4–3    CF Frantxizko-A           (TEQ)   2–1   2–2 
(TEQ)            Pitxi-Pitxi 77    6–2    Nickelson FC              (KND)   3–2   3–0 
(TEQ)                Motozintla    2–1    Ali Mercedes Carassai     (MRC)   2–1   0–0

Second preliminary round
(PDN)      Admiral Novorossiysk    1–4    Pitxi-Pitxi 77            (TEQ)   1–3   0–1 
(MRC)                 Elspachia    4–3    Florentino                (TEQ)   1–1   3–2
(TEQ)                Motozintla    1-0    Chrilsia FC	     	    (MRC)   1-0   0–0* (result struck off)

Third preliminary round
(TEQ)            Pitxi-Pitxi 77    1–1 a  Tihon                     (CMT)   1–1   0–0
(CBP)            Dalton Town FC    0–2    Motozintla                (TEQ)   0–1   0–1 (result struck off)

Playoff round
(TEQ)                Motozintla    3–1    Turoki Tide               (VIL)   3–1   0–0 (result struck off) 

*Second preliminary round replays
(TEQ)                Motozintla    2–4    Chrilsia FC               (ACH)   1–1   1–3

52nd Cup Winners Cup

It was a debut to forget for Jaguares, who perhaps have the dubious honour of becoming the first Tequiloan club to be knocked from pillar to post in intercontinental football, as their preliminary round tie paired them with Marinos Metropolis, and two chastening defeats followed. If they looked thoroughly ill-prepared for the first game, a 1-4 away defeat in which the Marinos could have easily doubled that, they certainly didn't look like they had finished their homework before the game at Estadio Jaguares in Ixta-Comitán, once again easily outplayed by the classy Valladars. 0-3 again perhaps flattered them, and an aggregate 1-7 could and perhaps should have easily been into double figures.

Preliminary Round
(TEQ)           Jaguar Ixtacomitán    1-7    Marinos Metropolis           (VLD)   0-3   1-4

4th IFCF Liga B Champions Trophy

Matching Telmo-Léao's achievement of last season by reaching the LBCT group stage, Cisne Senzapa were the last Tequiloa team standing in IFCF competition and carried the hopes of the nation into the main body of intercontinental football. Beginning in the first preliminary round, they successfully negotiated four rounds to reach the group stage. Victories over sides from Mercedini, Taeshan and Baker Park all demonstrated an impressive level of skill at this level of intercontinental football, and the team had high hopes of progressing further through to the final knockout rounds. One draw and five defeats later, it was a harsh lesson in the football heirarchy, where teams from Audioslavia, Nephara and Banija were as royalty to the humble peasant from Tequilo. A home draw against Banijans Duntho Sporting Club turned out to be their highlight, and after all, it's not a bad result. And to be fair to them, they were not shamed in any of the five defeats either, scoring in three of them and not losing by more than a single goal in any.

Top Tequilo seed Atlético Lipa were disappointing in their exit to Astrograthis Erribe United, while Gimnástico did their hometown Chichi city proud, eliminating Taeshanis AC Quarant Xa'virt before losing in the third preliminary round to AFC Langtree of Mercedini.

First Preliminary Round
(TEQ)             Cisne Senzapa    3–1    Alton Swifts              (MRC)   1–1   2–0 

Second preliminary round
(TEQ)             Cisne Senzapa    5–4    Monks                     (POP)   1–1   4–3 
(TAE)        AC Quarant Xa'virt    2–3    Gimnástico Chichiguina    (TEQ)   1–3   1–0 

Third preliminary round
(TEQ)             Atlético Lipa    1–3    Erribe United             (ASG)   1–1   0–2
(CBP) Sherwood Forest Ladies FC    2–4    Cisne Senzapa             (TEQ)   0–2   2–2 
(TEQ)    Gimnástico Chichiguina    0–2    AFC Langtree              (MRC)   0–2   0–0 

Playoff round
(TEQ)             Cisne Senzapa    3–1    Butterfield Rovers FC     (FVA)   2–1   1–0 

Group Stage
   Group E                      Pld  W  D  L  GF  GA  GD Pts     CWH    CEL    DSC    CSE
1  Chenoworth Harriers      NPH   6  4  1  1  13   9   4  13 *    -     1-1    4-5    2-1  
2  CdF Celtade              AUD   6  4  1  1  11   8   3  13 *   0-2     -     3-1    1-0
3  Duntho Sporting Club     BNJ   6  2  1  3   9  11  -2   7     0-1    1-2     -     1-0  
4  Cisne Senzapa            TEQ   6  0  1  5   7  12  -5   1     2-3    3-4    1-1     -   
*  Chenoworth Harriers ahead of CdF Celtade on head-to-head results

4th Rising Stars Cup

The Young Crows youth team tried out intercontinental footbal for the first time and gave a good account of themselves in the preliminary rounds of the Youth Champions path, but fell at the second hurdle despite an away win over Ko-orenites Dayfade. Having already eliminated Blue Strike of Mercedini, they looked on course for more until Dayfade's masterclass in La Conon, eliminating this promising set of youngsters before they could get a shot at the group stage.

Youth champions’ path
First round
(MRC)       Blue Strike Academy    0–1    Resplendiente             (TEQ)   0–1   0–0

Second round
(KOR)    Dayfade Soccer Academy    2–1    Resplendiente             (TEQ)   0–1   2–0

FFI Liga dos Vencedores

Finally, two teams who will have some intercontinental football in the second half of the season, as Florentino and Pitxi-Pitxi 77 both win their way through the group stage to earn places in the final knockout rounds of the Liga dos Vencedores. Florentino avoided having to play a qualifying game, ironically thanks to the 77o run to the semi final last season boosting the coefficients enough to have the champions automatically qualify for the group, while the runner-up - Pitxi-Pitxi 77 themselves - would have to play to qualify. They did that in impressive style, brushing aside Fog Bank. In the groups, both sides impressed to reach 13 points, but in tough groups it was only enough to finish in second spot. Nevertheless, Las Violetas and the 77o put disappointing IFCF campaigns behind them to win latter-stage intercontinental football in the FFI.

Qualifying Round

(GHR)                  Fog Bank    2–6    Pitxi-Pitxi 77            (TEQ)   2–3   0–3 

Group Stage

Group A                                                          SpS    Flr    Zlr    Ink
1  Spenson Suburbia         ZWZ   6  5  1  0  16   7   9  16      -     2-2    2-1    3-0  
2  Florentino               TEQ   6  4  1  1  16   8   8  13     2-3     -     2-0    4-1   
3  Zoloroni City            MRC   6  2  0  4   6   9  -3   6     0-2    1-2     -     1-0  
4  Inkopolis FC             SQR   6  0  0  6   5  19 -14   0     2-4    1-4    1-3     -   

Group E                                                          Ysc    PP7    Lmn    Brn
1  FC Yassaca               SRS   6  5  1  0  12   5   7  16      -     2-0    2-1    2-1  
2  Pitxi-Pitxi 77           TEQ   6  4  1  1  15   4  11  13     1-1     -     2-0    4-0   
3  Lumineers                QGP   6  1  0  5   6  12  -6   3 *   1-2    1-4     -     1-2  
4  Barnley FC               KND   6  1  0  5   4  16 -12   3 *   1-3    0-4    0-2     -   
Tie broken by head to head goal difference

FFI Taça das Confederações

They must be getting paranoid at Moto. After winning through to group stage football in the Taça das Confederações, there was nothing imaginary about their struggles in the group which were in stark contrast to some of the lovely football they played in the IFCF before being struck off, and they could not complain about their elimination at the hands of two far superior sides in Dury FC and Bassabook Old Boys; what they could - and did - complain about was the official FFI publication of the Group D tables showing them with a -11 goal difference instead of -1. Of course, it was probably a harmless typo, but after the IFCF debacle, there was only one conclusion amongst Moto fans. "They want us to look mierda," says the Chairman, "the FFI are in cahoots with the IFCF." Cue more anthems being booed at Arenamoto.

Qualifying Round
(GAR)                 SV Oranje    2–3    Motozintla                (TEQ)   1–2   1–1

Group Stage

Group D                                                          PFA    ZWZ    TEQ    ULG
1 Dury FC                   PFA   6  5  0  1  12   9  +3  15      -     2-5    2-1    2-0
2 Bassabook Old Boys        ZWZ   6  3  1  2   9   7  +2  10     0-1     -     1-1    2-1
3 Motozintla                TEQ   6  2  1  3   7   8  -11  7     1-2    0-1     -     2-1
4 Leighton Albion           ULG   6  1  0  5   7  11  -4   3     2-3    2-0    1-2     -

---

OOC NOTE: As I stated at the time in the ISDT I'm perfectly happy about the Challengers Cup being rescorinated following a minor early error. It happens. But it's a great opportunity for some IC recrimination, and because it happened to one of my RPed teams, it was manna from pretend football heaven. And then the real typo in the FFI? For the same team???! I mean, come on, The Narrative Committee couldn't have made it up... what are the chances? I can't let it pass and Moto fans will make this rumble on for years, just like Man.City fans vs. UEFA. To be clear, the view of Moto fans (and club owner Gedeó Dosrius) are not my personal OOC view.

[Tequilo]

The third season of the national youth league sees an expansion to three divisions and even more teams pushing for future inclusion. Resplendiente defend their crown but it is former champions Argón that come out on top. Fábrica Tapalupé, on top of their success at senior level, can celebrate an immediate return to the top tier of Liga-J following their J2 title; while Motozintla prove that the overall plan for greatness at the club is working at all levels, as they also rejoin the top flight of youth football. In the new third tier, debutants Juventoyan and Sporta Ibaeta both win promotions, closing out the big pretenders Galaxía and Haïtiens who have both invested in international recruitment at the junior end of the game, but fail to see a return on multiversal investments.

   Liga-J                Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts  
 1 Argón Tacranza         18    9   5   4    36   27   +9    32  IFCF Rising Stars Cup
 2 Serpentina             18    7   9   2    33   21  +12    30
 3 Resplendiente          18    8   5   5    37   30   +7    29
 4 Florentino             18    9   2   7    31   25   +6    29
 5 Atlás Ciuredor         18    8   4   6    28   27   +1    28
 6 Pelotón                18    7   6   5    31   21  +10    27
 7 Acacoyagua             18    8   3   7    36   33   +3    27
 8 Real Gardaresso        18    4   7   7    25   36  −11    19
 9 Xicoa                  18    4   3  11    13   31  −18    15  Relegated
10 CF Frantxizko-19       18    2   4  12    21   40  −19    10  Relegated

Argón Tacranza win their second Liga-J title in the first three seasons of the competition, proving to have a fine youth production line considering the bulk of the first title winners have been promoted out of this team and either into the seniors - Juan Manuel Notario, Emmanuel París, Léo Makeba, Hugo Rabellino, Jacob Emade, and Samuel Cedillo - or out on loan elsewhere - Aessérassa Loè at Mosey Ackanard's Mejillones Lipa, Didier Fako at Späristas and Firmino Vale at Unión Tapa. That in itself was a quite remarkable group of players, and here we are again only two seasons later with a new group of names to learn; notably Liga-J Player of the Season Felip Novés, a fine young left back and team captain of this second victorious group. The emphasis seems to be more on the team rather than the individuals within it this time, and it was notable that Argón players won neither the golden boot nor the golden glove for the league. Reigning champions Resplendiente once more looked a fine side in finishing third with some excellent youngsters including national team under-18 star winger Pep Bellera and Liga-J Golden Boot Hurritz Iñigo. Serpentina and Florentino will be delighted with their young apprentices this season too.

Liga-J Awards

Player of the season: Felip Novés, 19, DL @ Argón Tacranza
Golden Boot: Hurritz Iñigo, 17, ST @ Resplendiente
Golden Glove: Jainkoaren Junguitu, 18, GK @ Serpentina

Argón Tacranza Under-20s - Names to watch out for...

Captain: Felip Novés, 19, Defender
Player of the season: Felip Novés
Golden Boot: Joaquin Riba, 17, Striker
Golden Blanket: Omar Toledo, 18, Midfielder
Golden Brick: Felip Novés
Golden Glove: Antón Montecalvo, 16, Goalkeeper
Golden Boy: Emilio Mara Paramach, 15, Midfielder

Liga-J2

   Liga-J2               Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 Fábrica Tapalupé       18   12   3   3    31   13  +18    39  Promoted
 2 Motozintla             18   11   3   4    34   21  +13    36  Promoted
 3 Unuiĝinta              18   10   4   4    33   24   +9    34
 4 Peru Urzagui           18    9   5   4    40   21  +19    32
 5 Pitxi-Pitxi 19         18    9   3   6    33   19  +14    30
 6 SC Pedregal            18    7   6   5    23   21   +2    27
 7 Equipo Caimán          18    7   4   7    24   29   −5    25
 8 Urbo Ibaeta            18    4   2  12    24   38  −14    14
 9 Los Miñeros            18    4   1  13    16   42  −26    13  Relegated
10 Cóndor Sezalco         18    0   3  15     7   37  −30     3  Relegated

Liga-J3

   Liga-J3               Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
 1 Juventoyan             18   12   2   4    35   24  +11    38  Promoted
 2 Sporta Ibaeta          18   11   2   5    37   20  +17    35  Promoted
 3 Galaxía                18   10   5   3    37   26  +11    35
 4 Haïtiens               18    8   8   2    36   20  +16    32
 5 Jaguar Ixtacomitán     18    9   1   8    28   24   +4    28
 6 Benemérito             18    8   2   8    19   22   −3    26
 7 Cooperativa            18    7   2   9    31   32   −1    23
 8 Inter Raití            18    5   3  10    26   35   −9    18
 9 Fortuna Tulan          18    4   0  14    17   40  −23    12
10 Continente Tulan       18    2   3  13    18   41  −23     9

With a major restructure of the seniors game for next season, including the new Regionala competition for the closura where teams fail to make Liga-TQ, the future shape of the youth league is still being debated - though it seems likely that next season will remain with the current thirty academies involved now, it could be that a more regional approach is adopted soon to include more teams that want in on organised youth football.

[Tequilo]

COPA SEASON 125

It's the fourth round proper and time for the big boys to get involved - a number of smaller teams will be looking forward to testing themselves against the giants, not least Mosey Ackanard's Mejillones Lipa picking up a home tie against former winners Continente Tulan - a chance for Mosey to boost his rep; one game stands out as the tie of the round as Real Gardaresso are drawn at home to Motozintla - closely followed by Pitxi-Pitxi 77's game at Real's Antivadorio rivals Juventoyan.

COPA TEQUILO - PART TWO: THE SHARP END

Mosey Ackanard makes the headlines with the dream result as he masterminds The Mussels amazing 2-0 home win over Continente, the little club from Lipa hitting possibly the shock of the round as they head into the fifth round carrying Mosey on their shoulders and singing debaucherous songs about his virility. He won't mind that at all, though his wife Skela might have something to say about it. In the big tie of the round, there is a thriller at the Crystal Palace as Real Gardaresso eliminate Motozintla in extra time, eventually winning 3-2 after the teams were tied 2-2 in regulation time. Both Atlás Ciuredor and CF Frantxizko-A are out after surprise home defeats, while holders Jagaur Ixtacomitan are also out at the first hurdle as they go down at Gimnástico Chichiguina. It was a poor round for the Big Ten, with Fábrica stunned at home on penalties by Demokrito and Pitxi-Pitxi 77 the headliners for all the wrong reasons as they are thrashed by Juventoyan, 4-1 in Antivador. Moneybags Haïtiens, whose sole target in this competition, according to the fans anyway, is to do better than moneybags Moto, do exactly that but are hardly convincing as they edge Alianza Tirinto on penalties after a 2-2 draw.

Copa Round 4

              Humberto 0–1 SC Pedregal
             Unuiĝinta 3–2 Atlético Lipa
        Senzapa de Oro 1–3 Reconquista
     Las Guías Oriente 2–0 Naranja
  Estudiantes Tacranza 1–3 El Ejército
       Los Murciélagos 1–2 Ocozoxhuatla
               Polibio 3–2 Macarada Gaona
        Independiencia 2–0 Serpentina
             Pingüinos 2–3 Racquette-22
           CF Arradura 2–3 Los Miñeros
               Pelotón 0–2 Cisne Senzapa
          Chapulineros 0–2 Sarrazenos
       Mejillones Lipa 2–0 Continente Tulan
           Inter Raití 3–2 Clazada Larga
        Argón Tacranza 4–1 Deportivo Torente
       AS Colquehuanca 0–3 Cooperativa
        Hércules Ciupa 2–2 Argentinako 			(2–4 AET)
              Olimpika 0–0 Batasuna Telmo 		(1–1 AET) (4–5 pen.)
            Ciupa Azul 2–5 Florentino
         Fortuna Tulan 4–2 Finca Cailon
          Gallandaires 1–1 Universitario 		(2–1 AET)
       Villa Guadratal 1–2 Progresso CF
       Real Gardaresso 2–2 Motozintla 			(3–2 AET)
        Atlás Ciuredor 0–1 La Conon CF
      Dinamo Iragartze 0–3 Polo Sur
       CF Frantxizko-A 2–3 Ascension San Pasito
     Tenís de Tacranza 2–0 Petrolero
         Resplendiente 1–0 RCD La Constancia
        El Rinoceronte 1–0 San Joaxha
          KKA Bixintxo 3–2 Boca Cielo
         Equipo Caimán 1–0 Unuio Reten
        AS Ferrocarril 1–0 Racing Guadatral
          Correcaminos 4–5 SC Marcapira
          El Quetan CF 0–1 Benemérito
      Asociación Olaya 2–1 Flechas Azules
   Las Navas de Talosa 1–1 Errentes Monvador 		(1–2 AET)
            Toro Reyes 2–1 Gladiadores
             SC Tescoa 0–2 Cáfunda
       Sociedad Santos 2–4 Deportivo Sixtus IV
  Chiapula de Corzo AC 5–4 Xicoa
         Itaete-Orazun 1–0 Sporta Ibaeta
     Siete Onze Espato 3–3 Peru Urzagui 		(3–4 AET)
          Conviviencia 0–1 Aliantza Iparra
Gimnástico Chichiguina 2–1 Jaguar Ixtacomitán
            Telmo-Léal 2–3 Equipo Muna
               Páramos 2–2 Ganzábal 			(2–2 AET) (6–7 pen.)
         1492 Carranza 0–2 Acacoyagua
              Socrates 5–1 Unión Tapa
        Cóndor Sezalco 2–0 Comuna Cailon
              Tequiloa 2–1 Cuba Tapalupé
            Juventoyan 4–1 Pitxi-Pitxi 77
   SC Torre Espinaquer 1–3 Urbo Ibaeta
  Rebelión Hernandados 4–0 Erreal Tiresias
   SC Bravo Cuahjuluca 3–2 Comitán Argente
          Urbo Polibio 0–0 SC Cañazas 			(0–0 AET) (4–3 pen.)
      Fábrica Tapalupé 0–0 Demokrito 			(0–0 AET) (2–3 pen.)
      Internacional CF 3–0 Sporta Oroboro
        Ciuredor Orden 1–1 SC Azcarreta 		(3–2 AET)
            AC Sezalco 2–1 Cultúra Calzacon
          Caballero AC 4–1 Índigo Huayna
    Deportivo Requexón 3–0 Hoqué-Coqué
       Alianza Tirinto 2–2 Haïtiens 			(2–2 AET) (3–5 pen.)
             FT Orazun 3–1 AS Matiguás
            Chazapañol 3–5 Ciudad Cuahtémoc

The six surviving Big Ten are all through another round, though Argón make hard work of it with an extra time win at AC Sezalco, but it is the end of the line for Haïtiens as they are edged out at home to Unuiĝinta. Mosey Ackanard will be heading home to Skela and a bottle of expensive wine a proiud but defeated manager as Mejillones fail to pull off another shock at Gallandaires, where they are beaten 3-2 in a thrilling encounter that has won the manager a host of plaudits, not least from opposing manager Sal Gaviria who reserves special praise for a manager "on his way to the very top of the game." Mosey won't disagree with him because he doesn't believe in false modesty.

Copa Round 5

Gimnástico Chichiguina 1–2 Cisne Senzapa
  Rebelión Hernandados 2–1 Argentinako
          Peru Urzagui 0–1 Cooperativa
           Inter Raití 2–1 Tenís de Tacranza
              Socrates 3–0 Las Guías Oriente
           El Ejército 0–1 Caballero AC
            AC Sezalco 3–3 Argón Tacranza 		(3–5 AET)
               Cáfunda 0–1 Real Gardaresso
           Urbo Ibaeta 0–1 FT Orazun
            Florentino 2–0 Errentes Monvador
         Equipo Caimán 2–2 Progresso CF 		(2–3 AET)
         Resplendiente 4–1 Ganzábal
         Itaete-Orazun 0–0 Acacoyagua 			(0–1 AET)
          Gallandaires 3–2 Mejillones Lipa
        Ciuredor Orden 0–2 Deportivo Sixtus IV
              Tequiloa 2–2 Independiencia 		(3–3 AET) (1–3 pen.)
            Sarrazenos 1–2 Asociación Olaya
           SC Pedregal 2–0 Urbo Polibio
         Fortuna Tulan 4–1 SC Marcapira
        El Rinoceronte 0–0 Polibio 			(0–0 AET) (0–3 pen.)
  Chiapula de Corzo AC 1–1 Polo Sur 			(2–2 AET) (3–1 pen.)
              Haïtiens 2–3 Unuiĝinta
           Los Miñeros 1–2 Benemérito
   SC Bravo Cuahjuluca 2–4 Cóndor Sezalco
            Toro Reyes 1–4 Internacional CF
    Deportivo Requexón 3–3 Reconquista 			(3–4 AET)
          Racquette-22 5–3 Batasuna Telmo
            Juventoyan 3–1 Demokrito
           La Conon CF 3–3 Equipo Muna 			(4–4 AET) (6–5 pen.)
      Ciudad Cuahtémoc 1–4 AS Ferrocarril
  Ascension San Pasito 1–0 Aliantza Iparra
          KKA Bixintxo 0–0 Ocozoxhuatla 		(1–0 AET)

We really are getting to the sharp end of this famous old competition now and the six top clubs remain in the hunt, with Resplendiente surely getting the result of the round with a 5-1 thrashing of Juventoyan, and Argón again needing extra time to see off AS Ferrocarril. Second tier La Conon CF, The Crows city neighbours, pull off a shock at top flight Caballero AC who are struggling this season and with that win are the lowest ranked team into the sixth round.

Copa Round 6

       Real Gardaresso 4–0 Chiapula de Corzo AC
           Cooperativa 1–0 Progresso CF
         Fortuna Tulan 2–0 Reconquista
         Resplendiente 5–1 Juventoyan
              Socrates 1–1 Asociación Olaya 		(2–2 AET) (3–4 pen.)
  Rebelión Hernandados 2–2 Cisne Senzapa 		(3–2 AET)
          Gallandaires 0–1 Acacoyagua
          KKA Bixintxo 2–2 Benemérito 			(2–2 AET) (4–2 pen.)
           Inter Raití 2–1 Polibio
          Racquette-22 0–2 SC Pedregal
        AS Ferrocarril 1–1 Argón Tacranza 		(1–3 AET)
      Internacional CF 3–4 Independiencia
   Deportivo Sixtus IV 0–2 Florentino
             FT Orazun 1–1 Unuiĝinta 			(1–1 AET) (4–3 pen.)
        Cóndor Sezalco 1–0 Ascension San Pasito
          Caballero AC 0–1 La Conon CF

Something had to give and six are down to five of the Big Ten, as Argón and Acacoyagua are drawn out of the hat together; it is the Argonauts who head through to the quarterfinals with a good 2-0 win over their 10-Nacional rivals. There are big wins again for Resplendiente, Florentino and Inter Raití, but poor La Conon CF are dealt a heavy blow with a 1-6 thrashing at Cóndor, ending lower tier interest in the premier cup competition of the nation.

Copa Round 7

         Resplendiente 4–0 Cooperativa
        Cóndor Sezalco 6–1 La Conon CF
           SC Pedregal 2–0 FT Orazun
        Argón Tacranza 2–0 Acacoyagua
  Rebelión Hernandados 0–0 Fortuna Tulan 		(1–0 AET)
       Real Gardaresso 2–0 Independiencia
            Florentino 6–2 KKA Bixintxo
      Asociación Olaya 1–4 Inter Raití

In the hunt for an unprecedented Liga-TQ title and Copa Tequilo double, both SC Pedregal and Florentino have solid wins in the quarterfinals, The Whistlers eliminating Revelión on their home ground with a 3-0 demolition, and Las Violetas putting out Argón. Resplendiente continue their high scoring cup campaign with an impressive win over Inter, and Real Gardaresso make up an all-Big Ten semi-final group with a comfortable home triumph over Cóndor.

Copa Quarterfinals

  Rebelión Hernandados 0–3 SC Pedregal
            Florentino 3–1 Argón Tacranza
         Resplendiente 3–0 Inter Raití
       Real Gardaresso 2–0 Cóndor Sezalco

In the tightest semi-finals for years between four massive clubs, with away goals not counted both semi-final second legs go to extra time to break the deadlocks in two games. At Estadio San Pedro in Cuara, SC Pedregal hit two goals in the added period to eliminate The Crows, while in the big derby - or cálculo - known as El Spectáculario, Real surrender a 3-1 lead with five minutes of extra time to go and go out on aggregate after a 3-3 draw.

Copa Semi-Finals
         Resplendiente 0–0 SC Pedregal
            Florentino 4–3 Real Gardaresso

           SC Pedregal 1–1 Resplendiente 		(3-1 AET) Agg. 3-1
       Real Gardaresso 2–1 Florentino 			(3-3 AET) Agg. 6-7

So it is two clubs who end up head-to-head in both the Copa and Liga-TQ competitions that will face off in the final as SC Pedregal take on Florentino for 'El Gallo Dorado' or, The Golden Cock. The Whistlers will come into the game as slight favourites, leading Florentino in the Liga-TQ photo-finish, but in the nation's favourite pitxi match, just about anything can happen - and frequently does. A new honour could be made with either side becoming the first team to win a triple crown - the State Championship, Copa Tequilo and Liga-TQ.

[Tequilo]

INTERCONTINENTAL FOOTBALL - LATTER STAGES

In future seasons, it is to be hoped this Liga-TQ Sportswire post will be filled with exciting tales of great Tequiloan clubs wrestling heroically with the greatest clubs in multiversal football, vying for the Champions League title with the likes of Directus and the Moths and 1830 and RCU, and the Challengers Cup with mighty Echegoyan and SK Franz Josef City and Sonoma Center Panthers. It will be lengthy, with great graphics and full of footballing superlatives as our very own Pitxi-Pitxi 77, Haïtiens, Real Gardaresso, Florentino and Resplendiente fight for world domination on the club stage, having become bywords for coefficient maximisation, smashing the little boys mercilessly, and earning so many qualification spots for the next tournament they have to expand Liga-TQ just to fill them. When people think of the IFCF, they won't think, 'oh no not Raynor City United... again!' - they will think, 'oh no not Motozintla... again!'.

Or at least, that's what Gedeó Dosrius reckons. Right now, his club Motozintla didn't even make it to the group stages of the Challengers Cup (don't bring it up in polite conversation, he will blow a gasket) and there is no IFCF football now Cisne Senzapa have finished bottom of their group in the Liga-B Champions Trophy.

Fortunately this filler text doesn't have to run for much longer thanks to the FFI Liga dos Vencedores regional tournament for the independent associations; with both Pitxi-Pitxi 77 and Florentino getting into the knockout rounds with second place group finishes, while in the Taça das Confederações, Motozintla - wait, no, they finished third and were eliminated then. So just the 77o and Las Violetas. Prepare for the glory of deep runs to the final, to the promised land of lengthy match reports, with great graphics and full of footballing superlatives...

Federação de Futebol Independente
Liga dos Vencedores

Eighth-Finals

(GAR)       Eendracht Garifunya  a 3–3    Pitxi-Pitxi 77            (TEQ)   1–1   2–2
(TEQ)                Florentino    3–5    Arlington City            (ZWZ)   1–4   2–1

...or not.

Florentino's first toe in the water of intercontinental football finishes with a home thumping at the hands of Arlington City to cap what was a less than impressive debut; instant and painful eliminations in both the Champions League and the Challengers Cup were briefly assuaged by a decent showing in the group stage of the LdV, and there was promise with a surprise win in Arlington. But it all fell apart in the home tie, where a draw or even a low scoring defeat would have been enough to see them into the quarters. But City turned on the style to get the job done and finish Florentino's first adventure in Pitxi vs. The Foreigners. Meanwhile, last year's surprise semi-finalists Pitxti-Pitxi 77 took Eendracht Garifunya to two draws and went out on away goals, meaning that while for the second year in a row they were the most successful Tequiloan team in intercontinental football, they actually did worse than last season.

The wait for over-inflated glory goes on.

[Tequilo]

LIGA-TQ PREVIEW

---

LIGA-TQ PRIMERA
¡EL EXPLOSIÓN GRANDE!

---

Florentino * Pitxi-Pitxi 77 * SC Pedregal * Motozintla * Fábrica Tapalupé * Sporta Ibaeta

This is the Liga-TQ that Liga-TQ bosses wanted: six of the biggest in a huge wrangle for the national title. Well, that may be a little flattering of Sporta Ibaeta but as the third best team in Puezan they aren't too shabby; meanwhile, the other five are the current top-ranked teams in their respective states for most titles, and on the whole the best supported. Certainly, from a commercial standpoint - and what is Liga-TQ if not a hard commercial enterprise? - this is the strongest line up yet for the Primera Division and the top prize in Tequiloan football, the national title. The two former champions - Pitxi-Pitxi 77 and reigning kings Florentino - remain the favourites and the ties between them are beginning to get the feel of a grudge match - a 'cálculo' in the local linga - which has been labelled El Decisor, The Decider. Four other big sides might have something to say about that, but certainly the 77o and Las Violetas will be eyeing a second crown to state their claim in these embryonic days for the national league system.

Pitxi-Pitxi 77 will still be smarting at losing out to Las Violetas on the last day of matches last season, having gone into the final round ahead on points but surprisingly losing at home to Motozintla; helplessly watching as Florentino overtook them in the final minutes of the final games to prevent a successful title defence. They will be looking to reassert their authority as the supreme club in Tequiloan football, but face the additional challenge of having lost midfield wonderkid Ixtub Tün, upped and gone to Dynamo Borograd in Teusland. Noah Vergara, 24, will be entrusted to fill his not inconsiderable shoes, while the 77o went out and poached young prospect Axó from Resplendiente in his place - not yet the finished product but he has gone to the right place to develop. Will that be enough? Tlacolotl has been blighted by injury through the state championships and looks like he will miss at least a part of the coming ten games, another blow for the favourites, but Audioslav striker Tesco Zuniga, 23, has been outstanding and has more than met his transfer fee [he was a free transfer - Ed.] and has really kept the green-and-whites in the hunt this season, along with young attacking midfielder Çenturion, 20, who now considers himself good enough to drop his first name in favour of a bold monoym. We like that. Overall, this is a squad that might need a rebuild in the off-season, particularly if they don't pull off another national title.

Florentino have been an enigma this season. Surprise champions last time out, they have definitely blown hot and cold so far this season in the apertura, performing badly in intercontinental football where they obviously lacked confidence, and swinging from sublime to ridiculous in the State Championships. They did win the Antivador State title so it was certainly more sublime than ridiculous, but by manager Huey Wighta's own admission, they have problems with consistency. Ancient Audioslav striker Venâncio Paiva, 35, has rolled back the years for another outstanding season so far, and alongside him Julio Velázquez has raised his game under such positive influence to surely have posted his best season so far - the strike partnership limiting the young prospects at the club including last season's young player of the year Alex Gallo to mere cameo appearances so far this season. This is a team with a brilliant back four but they have proven to be lacking in midfield, an area Huey will want to strengthen in the off-season. If Las Violetas hit their best form for ten games in a row, no-one will stop them. The problem is, they won't. It's just a matter of how often they can hit their brilliant best; still, they remain in the favourite two on sheer weight of experience and expectation.

We might all roll our eyes about the noise they are making at the Arenamoto, but still...

Motozintla will look at a sometimes faltering top two and surely think, this title is here for the taking. Certainly, they must be ready when the 77o and Las Violetas stumble. They did that right of the end of the last game last season, a late late goal condemning Pitxi-Pitxi 77 to losing the title that was in the bag; and they drew both games with the eventual champion Florentino - so they know how to get amongst these teams. If the pair cannot get their machines well-oiled enough for a serious challenge, Moto are now good enough to take advantage. They missed out on all the big signings in pre-season, sparking some doubts about whether they could press on with their development, but in fact this probably worked to their advantage as a settled team certainly did look better than the season before. And it is already quite a squad Mauricio Nores has assembled there, with Oscar Bienvenida in goal and striker Mendo Davila in fine form; captain and legend Mateo Tafalla looking ten years younger than he really is and youth product Macedoni Altés, 19, looking brilliant up front under Mendo's tutelage. And let's not forget another notable breakthrough, centrehalf Diego Nores, son of the head coach, looking assured and commanding in his early games so far for the club. We really think this could be the year for Moto.

Are The Whistlers best of the rest, or better than that?

Heading up the three Primera debutants this season, SC Pedregal will come into the closura as favourites to be best of the rest on account of two decent showings in the last two seasons in the Proxima, the second section of Liga-TQ. But there is a quiet feeling around the town of Cuara that there is more to this Whistlers team than most realise, with an academy production line that is arguably better than the much-feted Argón Academy and has produced a whole group of highly talented youngsters who are impressing in every position when called upon, backed by a very decent and still active veteran core - defender Hugo Reza, 32; midfielders Xusto Padron, Aleixo Claver and Moises Noboa, all 31; legendary striker Narciso Cora 35 and perhaps their player of the season so far, keeper Kai Sidiki, 30, who is really coming into his own as a fine late developer who may yet push for a place in the national team. The management team of Ramiro Paredo & Genaro Rodis can call on an extraordinary ten young academy graduates including internationals at the junior levels in rightback Fernan Sotolongo, attacking midfielder Milan Lucio, striker K'antu and wingers Urbano Noboa and Narciso Pineiro, all 21 or under and looking comfortable in this quietly assembled squad that may surprise a few. Perhaps not in Cuara, though.

Meanwhile, The Spanners tighten their grip on Ocotapa state, but can they throw one in the works of the Primera?

While everyone was looking to see what moneybags Haïtiens would do in their first season back in the top flight after their big financial jackpot, it was Fábrica Tapalupé who reminded everyone who the real giant is in Ocotapa state by running away with the Championship to qualify for Liga-TQ for the first time. Under new management following two disappointing seasons, they have stormed back to the top of the State league and come into the Primera as a known power, yet with no history in this tournament. Two players have almost single-handedly (double-handedly?) dragged them to the top this season and into the closura - eccentric international winger Ricardo Bailén, who looks better every year, and his opposite number on the left flank, Nephari veteran Fiete Tannhaeuser, the pair weighing in with goals of their own and providing ammunition for the others, including team top scorer Óliver Abellán and emerging young strike prospect Shòxà Su. Overall you would politely call this fine season so far 'a team effort' with a couple of outstanding wingers - the honest assessment might be this is a fairly ordinary side that punched well above its weight and might well come unstuck in Liga-TQ.

Talking about dubious quality - everyone is talking about the state of football in Puezan right now with all it's big clubs seemingly in the doldrums; can Sporta shed some light on the dark days of Puezani state football?

Sporta Ibaeta are largely considered the third best team in the state after CF Frantxizko-A and Unuiĝinta, but with those two, and others like KKA Bixintxo, Peru Urzagui and city rival Urbo all reluctant to heed the call of greatness right now, the state is wide open; and in today's football market, being the champion of Puezan State is not a guaranteed mark of quality like it has been in the past. Perhaps Sporta have a bit about them to change current thinking on how a football stronghold state has swung so far out into the wilderness. Marshalled at the back by veteran Wightling Oldus Tirvery, and the outstanding strike pair Ginto Zidane and Orixe, Sporta finished five points ahead of nearest rivals CFFA; where Sporta lack is the depth of their squad and their particular weakness is in the goalkeeping position, where Salvador Collazo is in truth something of a liability at this level, and the two veteran reserves, Jaso Gasteasoro and Amezti Marturen are well past a best that wasn't great anyway. They concede far too many goals for a top club and more than offering hope for the future of Puezani football, they shed a light on just how poor it is when a team without a keeper who could get into any team in other top flights go on to win the championship. CFFA looked so much better last year than Sporta do this, and really, we can see nothing but a Liga-TQ struggle for The Imps.

Can anyone topple the 77o? We asked the same question last season, and Florentino were the answer; they look as likely as any to have the best shot of doing that again. But Motozintla come back with more experience and a raging sense of injustice after their bad treatment by the international club football authorities, so this time more than last they look like bonafide challengers. Can it be done? Or will The Whistlers, The Spanners or The Imps upset the expected order? Anything is possible, as they say in Tequilo, as long as you have enough piyacoque for the trip. And maybe a decent goalkeeper.

---

LIGA-TQ PROXIMA
THE PRETENDERS

---

Real Gardaresso * Jaguar Ixtacomitán * El Quetan CF * Resplendiente * Argón Tacranza * CF Frantxizko-A

From next season the Liga-TQ Proxima section takes on much more significance with the top three earning a place in the IFCF Liga-B Champions Trophy, but even this season it is going to be much more competitive with the announcement that the winner will earn an instant place in the top tier Primera the following season, so this feels a lot less like a dead rubber division already. Only Real and CFFA have played in the Primera up till now so this is a big prize on offer, both for glory and for hard cash. Those two will certainly fancy themselves for the Proxima title this season, but the smart money is on Resplendiente, a team certainly on the rise under manager Ilhicadira who are looking better with each season. Built on a strong defence of Patrick Zambo, Cygnet Valeri, Franco Murillo and Ángel Palau with national team fringe keeper Tepin Mecatl-Rubió behind them, they are exceedingly hard to beat and now have a forward spring in their step with veteran striker Taca enjoying a swansong as he approaches retirement. Like the top division though, it's a pleasingly tough division again with Argón Tacranza making it four of the Big Ten, and then the last two Copa Tequilo winners as well.

---

LIGA-TQ PEQUEÑA
ASSAULT ON POSITION 13

---

Atlás Ciuredor * Chazapañol * Acacoyagua * Macarada Gaona * Haïtiens * KKA Bixintxo

With Atlás, Acaco and KKA all in this season's third tier of Liga-TQ, it is once again a strong field of big clubs competing for hard cash prizes and the dubious honour of 13th place overall in the national standings. But there is only one team that anyone is interested in - well, anyone who is writing about the Pequeña, anyway - and that is moneybags Haïtiens; only just back from a little trip down into 2-Sección of the State Championships, they impressed upon their return to reach the closura for the first time and will be looking to make a statement of intent in this league. As with the division above, winning the Pequeña this season will guarantee a place in the Proxima next season, and then the potential for an IFCF placing, so once more the Unión have been clever to increase the competitiveness of the division. All the talk will be about Haïtiens, The Wights, but two more of the Big Ten are in this traditionally tough division, Atlás Ciuredor and Acacoyagua certainly able to compete for the top spot, whilst you would think that KKA, Macarada and Chazapañol will struggle to match them.

---

LIGA-TQ2 ELIMINATORIO
APPROACHING THE END

---

Errentes Monvador * Juniors Chazapa * SC Raití * Clazada Larga * Estudiantes Tacranza * Atléta Idal

The final Eliminatorio before restructure will, like last season with Athlético Lipa, feature a huge club bouncing back from previous ignominious relegation - and Estudiantes. While The Scholars and also Juniors Chazapa will feel this is no place for a club of their size to be slumming, it is SC Raití, La Abuela - The Grandmother, who bring the true glamour and history to this little second-tier kickabout. But still mired in financial troubles since the imprisonment of corrupt chairman and former Presidente de Tequilo Cecili Planelas, restoring their top tier status and potentially winning qualification to the IFCF Liga B Champions Trophy is not the end of the story - the battle for survival, now going into it's third year, looks more lost than won. Cherish every moment of the grand old mother. For the Eliminatorio itself, we bid farewell as there will be no more end of season tournament for the second tier of the state championships, and no IFCF football via this route with the LBCT accessed from next season via Liga-TQ Proxima division, just the way the big clubs wanted it.

[Tequilo]

---

LIGA-TQ PRIMERA
TEN MATCHES TO RULE THEM ALL

---

Twenty posts on the Liga-TQ sports wire; whole evenings spent thinking up puns and writing down transfer stories; crack o'dawn wake-ups wondering if The Associated will rip the Liga-TQ formats again; and falling asleep in front of the telly wondering why I took this internship with the Unión trying to make sense of random numbers sent to me in brown paper envelopes marked 'xkorinations'. And then there is the pitxi reality for the lucky clubs coming into the closura: Twenty-six State Championship matches; a big party to celebrate the state titles; a bit more training and some press conferences - now the time has come. Who really is the best of the best? For the third season, Liga-TQ will decide - in Cálculo-3, the third season...

MATCH DAY ONE

.
  Pitxi-Pitxi 77 4–2 Sporta Ibaeta
Fábrica Tapalupé 2–2 Motozintla
      Florentino 0–1 SC Pedregal

The 77o look in commanding form to kick off the new Liga-TQ season, Audioslav striker Tesco Zuniga winning player of the match with a remarkable four assists as the green-and-whites come from behind to beat the debutants; three are sent off in a fiery affair at El Volcán as Fábrica and Moto battle to a draw - Óliver Abellán walks for The Spanners, while Moto lose keeper Oscar Bienvenida and Zacquiel Goris, all to double yellows as ten cards are flashed in all; the big result is at Villalego where reigning champions Florentino are beaten by The Whistlers, defender Hugo Reza hitting an early goal and Las Violetas not able to get themselves back in the game - so a disappointing start for Huey Wighta's boys.

MATCH DAY TWO

.
   Sporta Ibaeta 1–4 SC Pedregal
      Motozintla 1–0 Florentino
  Pitxi-Pitxi 77 1–0 Fábrica Tapalupé

The problems mount up for Florentino with defeat in the Arenamoto, flamboyant fullback Blêxu with a 74th minute winner in a tight contest which leaves the champions already six points behind Pitxi-Pitxi 77 and SC Pedregal - two late dismissals do for them as Salazar de Algon and Iessö Taû get marching orders leaving their team down to 9 men; the 77o find the going tough in their second home win over Fábrica, that man Tesco Zuniga with the only goal of the game in the 16th minute but the home side unable to really put this game to bed; The Whistlers go top on goal difference after a big win over Sporta Ibaeta at The Smokestacks, where young winger Xaquin hit a brace, Roibén Caldera and Xusto Padron making sure. It looks like it's going to be a tough time in the division for Sporta.

MATCH DAY THREE

.
Fábrica Tapalupé 4–2 Sporta Ibaeta
      Florentino 3–2 Pitxi-Pitxi 77
     SC Pedregal 1–1 Motozintla

Sporta Ibaeta let in four again as they are well beaten in the capital, striker Gaul Casaus of Fábrica causing them all sorts of problems with two goals and an assist as the home team charge to their first win in an end-to-end battle, leaving their Puezani opposition with zero points in their first three games; Tuta's 87th minute equaliser for SC Pedregal denies Moto another win after Mendo Davila put them ahead in the first quarter of the game; in the big match of the round, El Decisor, it's relief for Florentino at Villalego as they get a hard-fought win over Pitxi-Pitxi 77 in a quite remarkable contest - Clemenzo Cora, Julio Velázquez and Audioslav Venâncio Paiva have Florentino three to the good inside 25 minutes with a rout looking likely; Lión Gualba-Itzamna and Xecoto hit two back inside three minutes just before half time, and then the sides fight out a stalemate second half. SC Pedregal's draw is enough to leapfrog the 77o into top spot.

MATCH DAY FOUR

.
   Sporta Ibaeta 3–4 Motozintla
  Pitxi-Pitxi 77 1–1 SC Pedregal
Fábrica Tapalupé 0–2 Florentino

The champions seem to be finding their rhythm again with a fine attacking display at Fábrica that should have wielded a bigger win, Clemenzo Cora with the opener and Bonesea centrehalf Scredda Smith getting a rare goal to put the game out of reach; the top two play out a draw at Estadio 77o in Ixta-Comitán and are caught by Motozintla, who condemn Sporta to conceding four goals for the fourth consecutive match in a 3-4 thriller in which Mendo Davila hits a brace for Moto. The Whistlers hold on to top spot on account of goal difference, but Moto are shaping up nicely coming toward the halfway point.

MATCH DAY FIVE

.
      Florentino 1–1 Sporta Ibaeta
     SC Pedregal 0–0 Fábrica Tapalupé
      Motozintla 2–0 Pitxi-Pitxi 77

Moto go top for the first time ever in Liga-TQ's short history, with another famous win over the 77o - the last one denying the green-and-whites the title on the last day of last season. They will repeat that fixture at the end of this season and right now, it looks like it will be Moto playing for the title and Pitxi-Pitxi 77 cast in the role of supporting act trying to be the spoilers. It is Mendo Davila with another brace having really found his scoring boots in the closura. Florentino and Pedregal are both held to home draws which they will feel they ought to have won, Las Violetas in particular finding the whipping boys Sporta Ibaeta less than accommodating as Quihuixay Tlucoalco hits an equaliser for the visitors, giving them their first point of the competition to huge relief of the travelling fans, and probably the manager too.

HALF WAY MARKER

.
  Liga-TQ Primera       Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Motozintla              5    3   2   0    10    6   +4    11
2 SC Pedregal             5    2   3   0     7    3   +4     9
3 Florentino              5    2   1   2     6    5   +1     7
4 Pitxi-Pitxi 77          5    2   1   2     8    8    0     7
5 Fábrica Tapalupé        5    1   2   2     6    7   −1     5
6 Sporta Ibaeta           5    0   1   4     9   17   −8     1

MATCH DAY SIX

.
   Sporta Ibaeta 0–1 Pitxi-Pitxi 77
      Motozintla 2–1 Fábrica Tapalupé
     SC Pedregal 4–4 Florentino

Motozintla go four points clear at the top with a home win over Fábrica, youngster Macedoni Alvés and that man Mendo Davila with the goals, and as SC Pedregal drop points at home to Florentino, Moto must now feel the advantage lies with them and the title is theirs to lose only four games to go. The 77o are still in the hunt after a narrow win at Sporta, Nepharim winger Con Hatzileftheriou hitting the winner in the 90th minute - a heartbreaker for a much improved Sporta. The 8-goal thriller at Estadio San Pedro wins match of the day of course, as the lead switches four times in a ding dong battle that, in the end, neither team would have wanted. Reigning champions Florentino are still six points off the leaders and it looks like it could be all over for them already. The next game, home to Moto, will be crucial.

MATCH DAY SEVEN

.
     SC Pedregal 2–0 Sporta Ibaeta
      Florentino 1–0 Motozintla
Fábrica Tapalupé 0–0 Pitxi-Pitxi 77

Hold on though... Las Violetas win the six-pointer over Motozintla to keep them in touch with the leaders, while the visitors see their lead at the top reduced to a single point. Perhaps distracted by counting their chickens, they see Julio Velázquez get the winner for the home side. The 77o fail to take advantage of Moto's slip though, held in the capital at Fábrica and find themselves now looking well out of sorts in fourth place, though in truth only one win away from Moto. SC Pedregal are the big winners as they cement second place with victory over Sporta, now without a win in seven; The Whistlers are a point behind Motozintla and travel to Arenamoto next.

MATCH DAY EIGHT

.
   Sporta Ibaeta 0–0 Fábrica Tapalupé
  Pitxi-Pitxi 77 0–0 Florentino
      Motozintla 2–3 SC Pedregal

What a result at the Arenamoto as this game turns on a sixpeso! With Pitxi-Pitxi 77 and Florentino locked in a stalemate that sees them fall away from the leaders, The Whistlers battle through to take a famous vicory - leading 2-1 coming into the final ten minutes with goals from Narciso Cora and Boaventura in the first against Moto's leading man Mendo Davila's reply, perhaps nerves were getting the better of them as Moto laid seige, and got the breakthrough in the 81st minute with a Zaquiel Goris rocket to equalise. But straight from the restart, and taking only thirteen seconds, Pedregal youth product Xaquin cut in from the right, evaded flailing tackles and blasted past Oscar Bienvenida to restore the lead. The Whistlers held on for victory, and, now two points behind in second place, if Moto don't win the league they will look back at two key defeats that would have eliminated the competition had they won those vital games.

MATCH DAY NINE

.
      Motozintla 1–0 Sporta Ibaeta
     SC Pedregal 3–2 Pitxi-Pitxi 77
      Florentino 2–1 Fábrica Tapalupé

The seemingly inevitable happens as Pitxi-Pitxi 77 surrender fading hopes of winning the title with defeat at Pedregal, well beaten in the end and only Léo Mambila's late consolation making the score look respectable. But suddenly, a national title for SC looks like it could be reality, as they are one win from being crowned champions, a thing seemingly unthinkable at the beginning of the season. Their win also eliminates Florentino from the title race, but a win over Fábrica guarantees them - and the 77o for that matter - intercontinental football next season as they will both finish in the top four. Moto recover a semblance of composure to inflict a seventh defeat on Sporta Ibaeta, Zaquiel Goris again the vital finisher, and they remain in with a shout of the title, but will in all likelihood need Fábrica to beat SC in the final game while they repeat their famous win at Pitxi-Pitxi 77.

MATCH DAY TEN

.
   Sporta Ibaeta 0–1 Florentino
Fábrica Tapalupé 1–2 SC Pedregal
  Pitxi-Pitxi 77 1–0 Motozintla

Roibén Caldera and Xaquin hit the goals that win the third national title for SC Pedregal, as they win in the capital over a spirited Fábrica Tapalupé side already confirmed in the Vilitan Cove Invitational position, cueing wild celebrations amongst this young team. It made Motozintla's game at the Estadio 77o something of a dead rubber but the green-and-whites were keen to have some revenge for the famous reverse here last time out, and in beating Moto through a Tesco Zuniga winner in the 68th minute, they helped ensure their visitors dropped to third, the same finish as last year, thanks to Florentino's win in Ibaeta. Iessö Taû's late winner for Las Violetas ensures they finish as runners-up ahead of Moto, who thought they had this title in the bag after six games. Sporta wind up with an eigth defeat and the worst record in Liga-TQ history bar Atléta Idal's humiliating one point finish in the Eliminatorio this season, confirming that Puezani football is really not what it was. But it's not about the losers, it's about the winners...

---

LIGA-TQ CHAMPIONS
SC PEDREGAL
Head coach Ramiro Paredo leads his young side to the third national title, and The Whistler's first, notably without a single foreigner in the team and a stunning eleven squad players aged 21 or under coming from their academy system. The future is bright at Estadio San Pedro.

---

.
   Liga-TQ Primera        Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1  SC Pedregal            10    6   4   0    21   12   +9    22  IFCF Champions League & FFI Liga dos Vencedores
2  Florentino             10    5   3   2    14   10   +4    18  IFCF Challengers Cup & FFI Liga dos Vencedores
3  Motozintla             10    5   2   3    15   12   +3    17  IFCF Challengers Cup & FFI Taça das Confederações
4  Pitxi-Pitxi 77         10    4   3   3    12   11   +1    15  IFCF Challengers Cup
5  Fábrica Tapalupé       10    1   4   5     9   13   −4     7  Vilitan Cove Application
6  Sporta Ibaeta          10    0   2   8     9   22  −13     2

---

LIGA-TQ PROXIMA
MORE MONEY, MORE MEANING

---

It was more wins and more points than any team before them in Liga-TQ for Resplendiente to signal the rise and rise of The Crows - and in winning the division they are guaranteed a Primera slot next season and a chance at the national title. Based on their trajectory over the last three seasons, don't rule them out. All the talk may be about moneybags Haïtiens, new champions SC Pedregal and The Crows deadly rivals Moto, but this team really does look like they have found a rich vein of destiny and will milk it all the way to the top. Or ride it - I'm not sure what the appropriate metaphor is, but whatever, they probably have it in bucketloads at Resplendiente.

.
   Liga-TQ Proxima       Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
7  Resplendiente          10    8   1   1    22   10  +12    25  Qualified for Liga-TQ4 Primera
8  CF Frantxizko-A        10    5   2   3    14   12   +2    17
9  Real Gardaresso        10    5   1   4    22   20   +2    16
10 Jaguar Ixtacomitán     10    4   1   5    10   15   −5    13
11 Argón Tacranza         10    1   4   5    11   17   −6     7
12 El Quetan CF           10    1   3   6    11   16   −5     6

Liga-TQ Proxima Results

   Real Gardaresso 3–0 Jaguar Ixtacomitán
     Resplendiente 5–2 Argón Tacranza
   CF Frantxizko-A 1–0 El Quetan CF

Jaguar Ixtacomitán 1–0 El Quetan CF
    Argón Tacranza 1–1 CF Frantxizko-A
   Real Gardaresso 0–1 Resplendiente

     Resplendiente 1–0 Jaguar Ixtacomitán
   CF Frantxizko-A 1–0 Real Gardaresso
      El Quetan CF 2–1 Argón Tacranza

Jaguar Ixtacomitán 1–0 Argón Tacranza
   Real Gardaresso 1–1 El Quetan CF
     Resplendiente 3–1 CF Frantxizko-A

   CF Frantxizko-A 2–0 Jaguar Ixtacomitán
      El Quetan CF 1–2 Resplendiente
    Argón Tacranza 3–2 Real Gardaresso

Jaguar Ixtacomitán 3–4 Real Gardaresso
    Argón Tacranza 1–1 Resplendiente
      El Quetan CF 2–2 CF Frantxizko-A

      El Quetan CF 2–3 Jaguar Ixtacomitán
   CF Frantxizko-A 1–0 Argón Tacranza
     Resplendiente 3–1 Real Gardaresso

Jaguar Ixtacomitán 1–3 Resplendiente
   Real Gardaresso 4–3 CF Frantxizko-A
    Argón Tacranza 0–0 El Quetan CF

    Argón Tacranza 0–0 Jaguar Ixtacomitán
      El Quetan CF 2–3 Real Gardaresso
   CF Frantxizko-A 2–1 Resplendiente

Jaguar Ixtacomitán 1–0 CF Frantxizko-A
     Resplendiente 2–1 El Quetan CF
   Real Gardaresso 4–3 Argón Tacranza

---

LIGA-TQ PEQUEÑA
THE UNLUCKY THIRTEEN:EIGHTEEN CLUB

---

The team with so much invested through their new corporate owners, Haïtiens, began to repay some of that greenback faith with a dominant showing in their first Liga-TQ appearance, not losing a single game to finish seven points clear of nearest rivals Acaoyagua and guarantee themselves at least a place in the Proxima next season, the division that will yield an IFCF spot to boot. Owners Grupo Taxhavn have to be very satisfied with the club's performance so far, particularly in the closura here where they comfortably dealt with the threat from Big Ten sides Acaco and Atlás Ciuredor, second and third behind them. It was that man Roxelio Toran who finished with the highest rating in the division and will be pushing for the Unión's player of the season award, while veteran foreigners Frank Kolar (STL) and Timo Blankman (NPH) just gave this team an edge of class to outclass the rest.

.
   Liga-TQ Pequena       Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
13 Haïtiens               10    7   3   0    20    7  +13    24  Qualified for Liga-TQ4 Proxima
14 Acacoyagua             10    5   2   3    17   14   +3    17
15 Atlás Ciuredor         10    3   4   3    12   11   +1    13
16 Chazapañol             10    3   2   5    13   17   −4    11
17 KKA Bixintxo           10    3   1   6    12   17   −5    10
18 Macarada Gaona         10    2   2   6    14   22   −8     8

Liga-TQ Pequena Results

  KKA Bixintxo 1–3 Acacoyagua
    Chazapañol 0–2 Macarada Gaona
Atlás Ciuredor 0–2 Haïtiens

    Acacoyagua 0–0 Haïtiens
Macarada Gaona 1–1 Atlás Ciuredor
  KKA Bixintxo 1–0 Chazapañol

    Chazapañol 4–1 Acacoyagua
Atlás Ciuredor 2–0 KKA Bixintxo
      Haïtiens 3–1 Macarada Gaona

    Acacoyagua 2–0 Macarada Gaona
  KKA Bixintxo 2–2 Haïtiens
    Chazapañol 0–0 Atlás Ciuredor

Atlás Ciuredor 0–0 Acacoyagua
      Haïtiens 3–2 Chazapañol
Macarada Gaona 2–3 KKA Bixintxo

    Acacoyagua 2–1 KKA Bixintxo
Macarada Gaona 1–2 Chazapañol
      Haïtiens 3–1 Atlás Ciuredor

      Haïtiens 2–1 Acacoyagua
Atlás Ciuredor 2–2 Macarada Gaona
    Chazapañol 1–0 KKA Bixintxo

    Acacoyagua 4–3 Chazapañol
  KKA Bixintxo 0–1 Atlás Ciuredor
Macarada Gaona 0–3 Haïtiens

Macarada Gaona 3–2 Acacoyagua
      Haïtiens 2–0 KKA Bixintxo
Atlás Ciuredor 5–1 Chazapañol

    Acacoyagua 2–0 Atlás Ciuredor
    Chazapañol 0–0 Haïtiens
  KKA Bixintxo 4–2 Macarada Gaona

---

LIGA-TQ ELIMINATORIO
GOOD WHILE IT LASTED?

---

For the final time, teams from the second tier of Tequiloan state championship football, the 2-Sección, competed for places in the Liga-B Champions Trophy, before access transferred up the football pyramid to a new allocation of places in Liga-TQ. Cash-strapped SC Raití, expected to walk the division, didn't come close to the domination they should have enjoyed and miss out on the final Eliminatorio title which goes to the season's surprise package, Clazada Larga, famous for their fans chant, 'Claza! Larga, Larga, Larga! Claza! Larga, Larga, Larga, Larga, Claza!' and so on ad infinitum. La Abuela, the grand old mother of Tequiloan football, had to settle for second place and will hope to survive long enough before banks foreclose that they can get some money in via the LBCT, which will help immensely. Estudiantes close up the three ahead of Juniors on goal difference, while Atléta share the dubious honour of being the first team without a win in the closura with Sporta, but with even less distinction since they have the lowest all-time points tally of... one whole point.

.
  Liga-TQ Eliminatorio  Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Clazada Larga          10    6   1   3    21   19   +2    19  IFCF Liga-B Champions Trophy
2 SC Raití               10    5   3   2    16   12   +4    18  IFCF Liga-B Champions Trophy
3 Estudiantes Tacranza   10    5   1   4    20   16   +4    16  IFCF Liga-B Champions Trophy
4 Juniors Chazapa        10    4   4   2    20   17   +3    16
5 Errentes Monvador      10    4   2   4    11   11    0    14
6 Atléta Idal            10    0   1   9     6   19  −13     1

Liga-TQ2 Eliminatorio Results

   Errentes Monvador 1–1 SC Raití
         Atléta Idal 1–2 Juniors Chazapa
       Clazada Larga 4–2 Estudiantes Tacranza

            SC Raití 1–2 Estudiantes Tacranza
     Juniors Chazapa 6–2 Clazada Larga
   Errentes Monvador 3–0 Atléta Idal

         Atléta Idal 0–1 SC Raití
       Clazada Larga 2–0 Errentes Monvador
Estudiantes Tacranza 1–2 Juniors Chazapa

            SC Raití 3–1 Juniors Chazapa
   Errentes Monvador 1–3 Estudiantes Tacranza
         Atléta Idal 1–2 Clazada Larga

       Clazada Larga 2–1 SC Raití
Estudiantes Tacranza 3–1 Atléta Idal
     Juniors Chazapa 1–0 Errentes Monvador

            SC Raití 1–0 Errentes Monvador
     Juniors Chazapa 0–0 Atléta Idal
Estudiantes Tacranza 1–2 Clazada Larga

Estudiantes Tacranza 1–1 SC Raití
       Clazada Larga 1–1 Juniors Chazapa
         Atléta Idal 0–1 Errentes Monvador

            SC Raití 1–0 Atléta Idal
   Errentes Monvador 1–0 Clazada Larga
     Juniors Chazapa 2–4 Estudiantes Tacranza

     Juniors Chazapa 2–2 SC Raití
Estudiantes Tacranza 0–1 Errentes Monvador
       Clazada Larga 3–2 Atléta Idal

            SC Raití 4–3 Clazada Larga
         Atléta Idal 1–3 Estudiantes Tacranza
   Errentes Monvador 3–3 Juniors Chazapa

[Tequilo]

EL GALLO DORADO
COPA TEQUILO FINAL

Florentino 2-0 SC PedregalH/T 1-0
@ Estadio Metrópoli, Tapalupé, Ocotapa. Attendance 61,900

---

Go Whistle
Las Violetas Deny Pedregal Historic Triple Crown

---

Goals: Venâncio Paiva 11' (pen.) Clemenzo Cora 62'
Assists: Frodo March 62'

Player of the match: Venâncio Paiva (Florentino)
Booked: Baltasar Ares, Leon Carreño, Altar de Alcala, Frenando Escalera | Tuta

Having wrapped the national title up the week before, getting ahead of today's opposition Florentino, The Whistlers were looking for an historic first ever Triple Crown of State Championship, Liga-TQ title and Copa win. But standing in their way, Las Violetas had relinquished their national title to SC Pedregal and were in no mood to hand them the Copa and El Coronas Trío to boot. In the biggest match of the season at a bouncing Estadio Metrópoli, Huey Wight got his tactics spot on to shut out this impressive young SC team who seem to know no fear, but were stifled here by the canny back four of Salazar de Alagon, Boney veteran Scredda Smith, and the magnificent centrehalf pairing of international Antton Machinena and player of the match contender Leon Carreño. These two fought out an utterly enthralling 4-4 draw on match day six of Liga-TQ in Cuara, which was nearly half the goals Florentino conceded in the whole of Liga-TQ; but usual business was restored to being the best defensive unit in the country, and The Whistlers' strike force - including veteran ex-national team striker Narciso Cora - could not break down the purple wall, being limited mostly to speculative shots and hardly troubling keeper Baltasar Ares at all. Though possession was tight between both teams, it was Florentino who created more going forward, and they looked the more dangerous throughout as they tested stand-in keeper Nuno de Soto, another of Pedregal's academy products, who took over in goal from Kai Sidiki after only ten minutes with the veteran injured in a clash with Audioslav Venâncio Paiva that led to the penalty; Nuno de Soto's first touch of the ball was to pick it out of the net after Venâncio had planted it effortlessly out of reach for the penalty kick. SC Pedregal were on the back foot from that point forward and Las Violetas made it their business to take every half chance against Nuno de Soto's goal, though he stood up to the test for the most part and was probably The Whistlers' best player.

Attacking midfielder Clemenzo Cora hit the second just after the hour mark which was just reward for a superb performance in the middle of the park, where he was pulling the strings for Las Violetas and had already made the opening for Venâncio which led to the penalty, the Audioslav body-checked by Kai Sidiki but picking himself to hit the first, with a new keeper in as Kai most certainly came off worse from his own foul and being replaced in a concussion substitution. The influential Audioslav striker went on to win the player of the match for his brilliant work in front of Clemenzo, holding up play with strength and guile, defending from the front and superbly bringing his strike partners, first Frodo March and then sub Julio Velázquez, into play as they constantly threatened to kill the game with another goal. For their part SC Pedregal had plenty of the ball and in parts we saw that excellent brand of possession football that has been so effective this season, with players working so hard off the ball to keep such fluidity in their formation and approach play, but to little end as they could get little past the back four to test the fairly inexperienced Baltasar Ares in the Florentino goal. As the clock ran down they really ran out of ideas and the vital goal that could open up the game did not come, the Triple Crown fading into the distance as Florentino locked the game down for their fourth Copa victory.

Player Ratings

FLORENTINO				SC PEDREGAL
Baltasar Ares		[9.0] YY	Kai Sidiki		[5.0] (sub)		Match Statistics
Salazar de Alagon	[7.7]		Léo Mambila		[7.2]   
Leon Carreño    	[9.0] YY (sub)	Fernan Sotolongo	[6.2] (sub)		Poss (%):	53/47		
Antton Machinena	[9.0]		Nícer Pero		[6.5]			Shots:		20-10
Scredda Smith		[6.1]		Hugo Reza		[6.6]			On Target:	8-3	
Fabian Pineiro		[7.1] (sub)	Xusto Padron		[7.1]			Pass Comp(%):	74-66
Altar de Alcala		[8.2] YY	Boaventura		[8.2]			Corners:	7-8
Clemenzo Cora		[9.1] (1)	Tuta			[6.7] YY		Fouls:		7-9
Frodo March		[8.5] (sub)   	Narciso Cora		[6.8]			Yellow cards:	4-1
Venâncio Paiva		[9.2] (1p)   	Roibén Caldeira		[6.2]			Reds:		0
Iessö Taû		[8.3]		Xaquin			[6.5] (sub)	

Subs Used			        Subs Used
Siveri Bellvehí		[5.3]		Nuno de Soto		[8.2]
Frenando Escalera	[5.2] YY	Urbano Noboa		[4.8]
Julio Velázquez		[7.1]		Milan Lucio		[5.2]

[Tequilo]

INTERCONTINENTAL QUALIFIERS

---

NATIONAL CHAMPIONS
ENTRANTS TO THE IFCF CHAMPIONS LEAGUE & FFI LIGA DOS VENCEDORES

---

SC PEDREGAL

Liga-TQ: Champions; season 3 (o125)
State Championships: Guastenango State Champions 19 times; most recent season 125
Copa Tequila: Winners - 3 times including one double; most recent win in season 94

Stadium: Estadio San Pedro, Cuara.Capacity: 42,000
Nicknames: Los Silbadores - The Whistlers; Los Caballeros - The Gentlemen
Colours: Yellow shirts, white shorts, black socks
Alternate: Black shirts & shorts, white socks
Rivals: Acacoyagua (El Gigantico), Equipo Caimán (El Snappa), Tequiloa (El Scaldera), SC Raití (El Originario)
Legend: 'Gentilhombre' Gento Pollanijo

Current Manager: Ramiro Peredo
Team Captain: Hugo Reza (DC)
Player of the Season: Kai Sidiki (GK)
Young PoS: Roibén Caldeira (ST)

In the state capital of Cuara (pop. 1.3m for the whole metropolitan district), two teams vie for supremacy of the city, and of the state championships - one is the upstart, brash, new money noisy neighbour Sporting Club of Tequilo, commonly Tequiloa, whilst the other is pitxi royalty - old school, old money, old manners: SC Pedregal, the oldest club in Guastenango and arguably the first pitxi club in all Tequilo. They are a popular club throughout the country for their heritage, although they are also the club many love to hate, considered like all aristocratic types to be a bit arrogant and a bit fancy. Their fame is uncontested though, and throughout the Wide Enness Ocean they are well known - not just for some ancient ideal of the good old days, and of how the game used to be played; they are equally famous for being pretty damned successful too - vying with Acacoyagua for most titles and some considerable distance ahead of the chasing pack where Equipo Caimán are the best of the rest.

A lot is being made this season of the academy system at Pedregal, and no wonder. As well as providing one of the best players and top scorer in the Under-18 World Championship for Tequilo in Urbano Noboa, an extraordinary 11 recent youth team promotions are in the senior squad at Estadio San Pedro including four who are first team regulars and, in Roibén Caldeira, the club's top scorer this season with 24 goals in 34 games. The indian summer of 30-year-old Kai Sidiki offers a contrast, the formerly average top flight keeper is coming into his own as one of the best and was a major contributing factor to the Whistler's first national championship.

SQUAD

#	Name			Age	Pos	Rating	Apps	Gls/CS
1	Kai Sidiki		30	GK	9.79	32	27
2	Léo Mambila		21	DL	7.90	32	1
3	Fernan Sotolongo	18	DR	5.35	36	4
4	Nícer Pero		25	DC	6.78	14	1
5	Hugo Reza		32	DC	6.85	44*	5
6	Xusto Padron		31	DMC	6.66	25	2
7	Boaventura		29	ML	8.72	44*	19
8	Tuta			27	AMC	8.10	26	3
9	Narciso Cora		35	ST	6.76	5	2
10	Roibén Caldeira		21	ST	8.47	34	24
11	Xaquin			20	MR	6.48	9	2
12	Koka			29	DL	5.81	18	1
13	Wayanaysi		35	DR	6.14	23	1
14	Quelka Ticllacuri	36	DC	8.82	14	1
15	Ccolque Alca		37	DC	7.85	19	1
16	Aleixo Claver		31	DMC	7.72	9	0
17	Moises Noboa		31	ML	9.22	20	2
18	Milan Lucio		21	AMC	8.82	11	1	TEQ-u21
19	K'antu			21	ST	5.29	18	7
20	Exidio Grana		22	ST	4.92	5	3
21	Nuno de Soto		20	GK	9.16	10	1	TEQ-u21
22	Urbano Noboa		17	MR	6.11	6	2	TEQ-u18
23	Xerome Mira		21	AMC	6.95	6	1
24	Narciso Pineiro		16	MR	5.41	7	1	TEQ-u18
25	Allauca			35	GK	6.38	2	0

* ever-present

---

LIGA-TQ RUNNER-UP & COPA TEQUILO WINNERS
ENTRANTS TO THE IFCF CHALLENGERS CUP, CUP WINNERS CUP & FFI LIGA DOS VENCEDORES

---

FLORENTINO

Liga-TQ: Champions; season 2 (o124)
State Championships: Antivador State Champions 17 times; most recent season 125
Copa Tequila: Winners - 4 times; most recent season 125

Stadium: Estadio Gianfrancesco Lego (Villa Lego), FlorenioCapacity: 47,980
Nicknames: Las Violetas
Colours: Violet shirts, shorts & socks
Alternate: Red & white halved shirts, white shorts, black socks
Rivals: Real Gardaresso (El Spectáculario), Humberto (El Cinematíco), Atlético Lipa (El Gran Kika), Atlás Ciuredor (El Brillantíno), Juventoyan (El Rangél)
Legend: Humberto Bustamante

Current Manager: Huey Wight (Aueioeay W'ight-a)
Team Captain: Dieguito Florentin (DR)
Player of the Season: Venâncio Paiva (AUD) (ST)
Young PoS: Fabian Pineiro (DMC)

In the glamour stakes, there really is only one team in all Tequilo who do not stand in the sparkling shadow of Real Gardaresso, and that is their Antivadorio rivals, Florentino, the famous Violets. They may not have the wider appeal that Real have achieved but certainly a club with flair and attacking creativity at the heart of their playing philosophy over so many decades of success means Los Violetas are naturally associated with the more glamorous side of the game. Many of the greats of antiquity have played here in Florentin, including legendary fatty, footballer, circus strongman and cinema superstar Humberto Bustamante, El Lechero or ‘The Milkman’; Wightling World Cup winners Mardellion Hummingbird and Marriner Friend-Forsaken along with fellow countryman and progenitor of the famous Bonesea Jones’ dynasty - Asbo Jones; local legends here in these parts Hernando de la Nata, Gavriel Carrión and Sansón, and of course El Ladrillo - The Brick - colourful defender Gianfrancesco Lego, the first galloping fullback for whom the stadium is named.

Though not necessarily a defensively-minded manager, Huey Wight has built a solid foundation of excellent defenders from which to springboard to success, with the same back four of Alazon, Carreño, Machinena and Smith the key players with Fiz Goyanes, Frenando Escalera and veteran club captain Dieguito Florentin all able backup; and from this back line known as the purple wall, it has been something of a one-man show this season, with Audioslav favourite Venâncio Paiva once again leading from the front, chipping in with a healthy 18 goals in 35 games but crucially developing the players around him, most notably this season Julio Velázquez who has had his best season at the club. Disappointments in intercontinental football can be addressed next season with three campaigns to play for, while domestically the Copa Tequilo win, considered at least as important as Liga-TQ, is a splendid follow-up to last season's national title.

SQUAD

#	Name			Age	Pos	Rating	Apps	Gls/CS
1	Baltasar Ares		29	GK	7.25	32	6
2	Salazar de Alagon	25	DL	5.02	7	1
3	Leon Carreño		29	DC	8.15	9	0
4	Antton Machinena	26	DC	7.22	9	1	TEQ-NT
5	Scredda Smith		29	DR	7.55	10	1
6	Fabian Pineiro		20	DMC	7.89	46	1
7	Altar de Alcala		34	ML	7.99	26	9
8	Clemenzo Cora		27	AMC	7.72	22	12
9	Julio Velázquez		29	ST	8.31	45	15
10	Venâncio Paiva		35	ST	9.70	35	18
11	Iessö Taû		35	MR	7.77	34	13
12	Ixinio de Arcas		31	DL	8.08	13	0
13	Fiz Goyanes		21	DC	6.21	22	2
14	Frenando Escalera	23	DC	8.89	5	1
15	Dieguito Florentin	33	DR	6.00	17	2
16	Siveri Bellvehí		30	DMC	8.67	19	3
17	Esâ Neá 		20	ML	5.35	3	1	TEQ-NT
18	Tome Sarabia		25	AMC	6.80	23	3
19	Frodo March		18	ST	6.86	10	1	TEQ-u18
20	Alex Gallo		19	ST	6.84	11	5	TEQ-u21
21	Arnao Roche		21	GK	8.62	18	5	TEQ-u21
22	Mafany Atangana		26	MR	6.15	15	3
23	Sabastian Sebastian	37	DR	8.17	8	2
24	Virxilio Sion		21	ST	7.80	1	0
25	Trixíixa Taû		18	GK	7.70	8	2

---

LIGA-TQ THIRD PLACE
ENTRANTS TO THE IFCF CHALLENGERS CUP & FFI TAÇA DAS CONFEDERAÇÕES

---

MOTOZINTLA

Liga-TQ: Best finish - 3rd, seasons 2,3 (o124, 125)
State Championships: Maranco State Champions 15 times; most recent season 125
Copa Tequila: Winners - 2 times; most recent season 77

Stadium: Arenamoto, TirintoCapacity: 77,200
Nicknames: Moto
Colours: Royal blue shirts with black & white trim, white shorts, black socks
Alternate: Silver shirt with light blue chevron; silver shorts and socks with light blue trim
Rivals: Resplendiente (El Resentimiento), Alianxa Tirinto (El Grandísimo), Universitario (El Stramajz), Las Guías Oriente (La Granbatalla)
Legend: Mateo Tafalla - still playing

Current Manager: Mauricio Nores
Team Captain: Mateo Tafalla, AMC
Player of the Season: Blêxu, DL
Young PoS: Macedoni Altés, ST

At Motozintla, so it is said, they never stop going on about how big they are. And what they are going to do next to prove they are the greatest. To be fair, they are big. Very big. No-one outside of Moto likes to admit it, but they rival CFFA and Pitxi-Pitxi 77 for support across the country. They have spent much of their history inside the 10-Nacional, the country's best ten clubs by state championships, but their best days are a long way behind them. Hence all the talk about what they are going to do next. With the resources they have, the backing they can rely on, the time will surely come when Motozintla are great again - but many both inside and outside of the supporter base also hint darkly at the Curse of Moto - that the Wights of Pitxi (mythical demons of Confusionism) are against them for rumoured transgressions that offended the spirits. It's all tosh of course, but makes for great content. And there definitely is something wrong when a club the size of Moto just can't win anything any more.

It was a funny old season, perfect for the famous fly-on-the-wall documentary that follows the ups and downs at the club, Make Moto Great Again, as they had Liga-TQ prefectly in their grasp with three games to play only to crash and burn in the final rounds to finish third for the second season in a row; whilst in intercontinental football it seemed the whole multiverse was against them as several famous victories, including a 3-1 home win over Turoki Tide, were scratched off following some dubious administrative error calls. Despite it all, Moto looked a handful all season, with senior striker Mendo Davila in spectacular form and young academy product Macedoni Altés looking a real prospect alongside him. There is plenty more to come from this team who may have stalled in the closing stages of their campaign - unable, it seemed, to recover from the perceived injustices of the IFCF rulings that took away some glorious results and dumped them out of the Challengers Cup three rounds earlier than the original records show. They will certainly be back, and the television will be great watching.

SQUAD

#	Name			Age	Pos	Rating	Apps	Gls/CS
1	Oscar Bienvenida	20	GK	8.46	48	25	TEQ-NT
2	Blêxu			25	DL	9.01	36	3
3	Brandon Nyassa		31	DR	5.03	37	3
4	Amosa Kum		23	DC	4.71	42	0
5	Gedeó Guino		23	DC	4.50	15	2
6	Tomau Barbe		29	DMC	8.37	14	1
7	César Valerio		20	ML	4.20	31	4
8	Mateo Tafalla		33	AMC	6.74	36	23	TEQ-NT (ret.)
9	Macedoni Altés		19	ST	9.27	46	18
10	Mendo Davila		29	ST	9.06	38	17
11	Zaquiel Goris		30	MR	7.01	9	0
12	Enrrique de Çigales	36	DL	9.31	20	3
13	Paö 			21	DR	6.59	4	0
14	Suë Alabau		24	DC	8.01	25	3
15	Diego Nores		21	DC	7.98	5	0	TEQ-u21
16	Johnny Grendahl		19	DMC	6.28	15	3
17	Anacle Mutanda		20	ML	3.77	9	4
18	Pachakusi		21	AMC	6.46	2	0
19	Gunna Calhoun		40	ST	9.13	10	4
20	Vâásk Çêwé		19	ST	5.56	16	3
21	Pere Mases		36	GK	4.73	11	6
22	Lleó Faig		21	MR	4.96	8	3
23	Pontiff Annan		41	DMC	5.32	9	0
24	Mani Quita		18	ST	6.61	8	0	TEQ-u18
25	Aris Vilca		29	GK	5.76	3	0

---

LIGA-TQ FOURTH PLACE
ENTRANTS TO THE IFCF CHALLENGERS CUP

---

PITXI-PITXI 77

Liga-TQ: Champions; season 1 (o123)
State Championships: Chazapa State Champions: 24 times - highest nationally; most recent season 125
Copa Tequila: Winners - 2 times including one double; most recent win in season 116

Stadium: Estadio '77o, Ixta-Comitán, ChazapaCapacity: 66,309
Nicknames: ’77o
Colours: Green & white striped shirts, white shorts & socks
Alternate: All black with green & white trim
Rivals: CF Frantxizko-A (El Splendído), Jaguar Ixtacomitán (El Spectaculotl), Xicoa (El Cálculotl)
Legend: Eskaminzim, former DMC, coach, now head coach

Current Manager: Eskaminzim
Team Captain: Chicchan (DR)
Player of the Season: Tesco Zuniga (ST)
Young PoS: Axó (DMC)

Here is one of the superpowers of football in Tequilo, at the heart of one of the country's most extraordinary cities. Like Huayna-Comitán in Guastenango, Ixta-Comitán has been beautifully preserved as a great Indigo city state, although unlike it’s rival city, it is surrounded by a much less interesting and more heavily industrialised region; it’s borders are now more or less the end of traditional Ixta cultural identity. The city itself supports three top flight or 1-Sección clubs, with Jaguars and Serpentina both strong clubs in the state championship. But there is only one club in the state - and arguably the nation - that all others must merely follow, the mighty Pitxi-Pitxi 77. Formed nearly 150 years ago they are one of the oldest clubs in the country, and are the most favoured by the strong Ixta population throughout Chazapa and the nation. Rivalled only by Puezan states’ CF Frantzixko-A, they have the most state titles and are surely the widest supported - CFFA are popular of course, but also the team everyone loves to hate: not so the ’77os, who really are just about everyone’s second favourite team.

By their own high standards this was a difficult season for the 77o. Along with the transfer loss of young superstar Ixtub Tün, they had to contend with a season blighted by injury for their other great player, Tlacolotl, who played only 10 games in the season. To highlight what a loss that was, he scored 8 goals in those games - and finished second top scorer. Thank the wights, they say in Ixta-Comitán, for Tesco Zuniga. Signed for ₸3m at the beginning of the season, the Audioslav striker was the bright spot in a good but not great season; and at times it felt like results were ground out single-handedly by the young forward. Coach Eskaminzim has a real task on his hand in the off-season; a team in transition, he failed to replace Ixtub Tün and does not have an outstanding academy production line to call upon at the present time. Changes will have to be made to keep his team competitive.

SQUAD

#	Name			Age	Pos	Rating	Apps	Gls/CS
1	Orm Hinisser		27	GK	6.36	33	6
2	Chenaro Bermund		30	DL	6.19	25	1
3	Chicchan		32	DR	9.50	47	1	TEQ-NT (ret.)
4	Erick Ruiz		26	DC	9.44	31	3
5	Lión Gualba-Itzamna	20	DC	8.20	48	2
6	Noah Vergara		24	DMC	6.93	33	2	TEQ-NT
7	Xecoto			22	ML	6.70	10	0
8	Ot Camazotz Roca	37	AMC	8.92	14	2
9	Tlacolotl		21	ST	7.84	10	8	TEQ-NT
10	Tesco Zuniga		23	ST	9.54	31	20
11	Con Hatzileftheriou	24	AMR	7.95	11	2
12	Ebardo Feliu		30	DL	7.26	7	1
13	Léon Londo		33	DR	7.67	8	1
14	Andre Naron		21	DC	5.96	11	1
15	Simón Cheauka Agustín	21	DC	5.95	23	0
16	Axó			20	DMC	9.43	25	3
17	Çè Êf			22	AML	5.50	4	0
18	Elias Valdueza		32	AMC	8.23	10	4
19	Beturián Planas		20	ST	9.18	16	2
20	Ladislau Aragonés	31	ST	5.91	9	1
21	Vicente Sabater		21	GK	5.81	17	1
22	Nocenci Goy		34	MR	6.28	22	0
23	Çenturion		18	AMC	5.57	22	0	TEQ-NT
24	Kisin			24	DC	7.45	8	1
25	Camaxtli Zyanya Papan	30	ST	7.12	4	1

---

LIGA-TQ FIFTH PLACE
APPLICANT TO THE VILITAN COVE INVITATIONAL

---

FÁBRICA TAPAPULPÉ

Liga-TQ: Best finish 6th; season 3 (o125)
State Championships: Ocotapa State Champions 19 times; most recent season 125
Copa Tequila: Winners - 4 times (joint second most successful) most recent season 100

Stadium: Estadio Pablo Invocador (El Volcán), Distrito Santa Léa, TapalupéCapacity: 53,523
Nicknames: The Spanners, Las Llaves, The Factory Team
Colours: Blue & white harlequin quartered shirt with red trim, white shorts & socks with blue trim.
Alternate: All red with white trim.
Rivals: Argón Tacranza (El Térifico), Galaxía (El Galacto), Independiencia (El Tzizla)
Legend: Pablo Invocador

Current Manager: Francisco Javier Sandoval
Team Captain: Jaylli Ñahuis Quelka (DMC)
Player of the Season: Ricardo Bailén (MR)
Young PoS: Tol Chicote (DC)

Though not the best supported in the capital city of Tapalupé - behind both Haïtiens and Galaxía - The Spanners are certainly the most successful, comfortably sitting in the nation’s top ten by state titles and a strong Copa Tequilo performer - indeed, overall in total silverware they sit equal second in the country with the much more celebrated Pitxi-Pitxi 77, both with 22 trophies in total, but some way distant of CF Frantxizki-A’s full haul of 27 trophies. Not recognised to the same extent as the ’77o and only the third best supported team in their home city, this is the club with a bit of a chip on it’s shoulder fighting for the same recognition as the other two giants. Even in Maranco state they sit second behind rivals Argón in most popularity poles, despite leading them by one title in the state championships. For the Spanners, it seems to be a constant battle for recognition, and the only thing they can do is win things… which they do, regularly.

New head coach Francisco Javier Sandoval was promoted from assistant at the beginning of the season to halt the decline that The Spanners found themselves drawn into over the previous couple of seasons, and he did it in stunning style to win a 19th state title almost completely out of the blue. Without big changes in personnel it was more about what he could get out of his existing squad, and he proved masterful in the turnaround to give himself a shot at the manager of the season award. Notable performances on the pitch came from enigmatic winger Ricardo Bailén who has never quite shown the brilliance many in the game people thought him capable of - until now. It was by far his best season in the blue and white diamond shirt of Fábrica. Nepharim Fiete Tannhaeuser, impressive in his debut season in Tequiloan football, improved again and will certainly be looking at a second selection for the Cosmos-XI, while signing young fullback Sâlämão from Socrates provided some Farv flair. Their debut in Liga-TQ was a tough one but they did enough to win the Vilitan Cove Invitational spot and will enjoy some intercontinental football next season.

SQUAD

#	Name			Age	Pos	Rating	Apps	Gls/CS
1	Christopher Romero	29	GK	6.87	24	5
2	Sâlämão			19	DL	6.27	26	3
3	Raúl Carita		34	DR	7.49	10	1
4	Zhu Mingxia		21	DC	6.87	16	1
5	Joaquín Gallo		23	DC	7.56	26	3
6	Jaylli Ñahuis Quelka	27	DMC	6.62	24	4
7	Fiete Tannhaeuser	30	AML	8.54	13	4
8	Óliver Abellán		31	AMC	7.37	40*	14
9	Gael Casaus		22	ST	8.45	13	4
10	Felix Agramonte		31	ST	6.20	12	4
11	Ricardo Bailén		23	MR	9.17	40*	13	TEQ-NT
12	Sebastian Arrabal	23	DL	6.51	5	1
13	Joshua Dengra		37	DR	8.27	15	0
14	Chuquimango		29	DC	5.88	24	1
15	Ylla Ñaña		23	DC	8.95	16	2
16	Maximo Rodis		25	DMC	6.11	7	1
17	Nexev-Savar Fox		22	AML	6.49	5	1
18	Macavilca		29	AMC	6.31	17	0
19	Shòxà Su		19	ST	6.67	14	10
20	Anakleto		21	ST	8.97	13	8
21	Gael Aguinaldo		20	GK	6.03	24	4
22	Tol Chicote		20	DC	8.17	14	2	TEQ-u23
23	Juanito Mina		31	DC	7.93	9	1
24	Adam Artigas		28	ML	7.22	5	1
25	Joshua Magrina		22	ST	8.06	3	1

* ever-present

---

LIGA-TQ2 ELIMINATORIO
ENTRANTS TO THE IFCF LIGA-B CHAMPIONS TROPHY

---

CLAZADA LARGA

Liga-TQ: Liga-TQ2 Eliminatorio winner, season 3 (o125)
State Championships: Maranco State highest finish 13th in 1-sección; season 76
Copa Tequila: quarter-finals 3 times; most recent season 105

Stadium: Estadio TorenteCapacity: 18,900
Nicknames: Claza, The Hoops
Colours: Black and white hooped shirts, white shorts, white socks
Alternate: All green with black and white trim
Rivals: Deportivo Torente, Internacional CF, Sindicato Torente
Legend: Sebastià Cachiner

Current Manager: Emeric Clariana
Team Captain: Jacint Gabarros (ST)
Player of the Season: Francesc Bobes (AMC)
Young PoS: Tinto Vilca (DL)

Claza! Larga, Larga, Larga! Claza!
Larga, Larga, Larga, Larga! Claza!
Black and white things!
Black and black and white things!
¿Will you win for me, boys?

That's how the song goes on the terraces when Claza play at the Estadio Torente, where they share stadium access with their usually better halves, Deportivo Torente. But in a rare switch of fortunes, it is The Hoops who will enjoy life in the top division for a change. It was quite a surprise to see them dominate the second tier of Maranco state football this season, really coming from nowhere, and then they surprised everyone all over again by winning the Elimninatorio completely against the odds, ahead of the mighty SC Raití. Quite a feat. Can they sustain this golden period? It is rare for them to reach the top flight and usually it is followed by a quick return to where they naturally belong.

SC RAITÍ

Liga-TQ: Liga-TQ2 Eliminatorio runner-up, season 3 (o125)
State Championships: Guastenango State Champions 9 times; most recent season 70
Copa Tequila: Winners - once; season 86

Stadium: Estadio San Raí, Raití (groundshare with Inter)Capacity: 66,810
Nicknames: Los Rojosnegros; La Abuela - The Grandmother
Colours: Red & black striped shirts, white shorts, black socks
Alternate: Yellow shirts, black shorts, yellow socks
Rivals: Inter Raití (La Confrontación) , Equipo Caimaín (El Scrappo), SC Pedregal (El Originario)
Legend: Afonso Tapia

Current Manager: Roibén Ravelo
Team Captain: Llounguís Figueredo, DMC
Player of the Season: Umiña Ccahuantico (ST)
Young PoS: Marcos Acevedo (DL)

One of the grand old clubs of Tequilo, Sporting Club Raití can certainly name themselves in a small group of the three oldest clubs in existence along with SC Pedregal and Pitxi-Pitxi 77*; but unlike those two, have not come so close to legendary status in terms of silverware. Certainly 9 state titles is none too shabby, but this is a huge team that for a couple of generations now has woefully underperformed. With support throughout the state and beyond, it is a genuinely big club that has never had a sniff at the 'Big Ten' of the 10-Nacional, and most neutral observers would call that a travesty. They have always had great players on the books including the legend that is Afonso Tapia; manager and former player Roibén Ravelo, and current national team winger Tutayan - but have so little to show for it. Fans don't seem to mind - attendances at the spectacular Estadio San Raí are always at capacity, and the atmosphere electric come rain or shine. And in recent years, there has not been a lot of shine. The fans have certainly earned their nickname: Los Esperanzados - The Hopefuls.

And on top of all that, flirting with bankruptcy. Forcibly relegated last season due to financial irregularities to play in the second tier for the first time in their long history, they have bounced back comfortably - but the money problems have not gone away. A good academy is still producing quality young players, notably Marcos Acevedo, Oscar Montelongo, Davide Pasos and Cristobo Ocampo, who are sustaining this team right now - but can they keep hold of such fine talents when they don't have the cash to sustain them? Bleak times indeed, but the LBCT will provide both a respite from all the woes and some hard cash to boot.

* The actual oldest of the three is not entirely agreed upon, with historians divided between SC Pedregal and 'La Abuela' - SC Raití.

ESTUDIANTES TACRANZA

Liga-TQ: Liga-TQ2 Eliminatorio third place, season 3 (o125)
State Championships: Ocotapa State champions 4 times; most recent season 112
Copa Tequila: Runners-up - once; season 91

Stadium: Estadio Rynard, TacranzaCapacity: 21,500
Nicknames: Los Eruditos - The Scholars
Colours: Red & gold halved shirts, black shorts & socks
Alternate: Black shirts, white shorts & socks
Rivals: Argón Tacranza (El Juicio) AS Ferrocarril (El Blam-Blam-Blam) Académico San Joaxha (El Cálculo Cálculadores)
Legend: Ormald Rynard (WGT)

Current Manager: Salvador Pliego
Team Captain: Rubén Madrid (ST)
Player of the Season: Rubén Madrid (ST)
Young PoS: Gustavo Gallo (DC)

Historically associated with the city of Tacranza's university, the club was formed by students and for the early part of it's history, it played in the lower sections of the state championship, and often outside of that in the city's own divisional leagues. Things began to change back in the 60s when charismatic ex-student and gifted Wightling footballer Ormald Rynard was elected president of the Student's Union and decided to build a professional club out of the much loved amateur university team. Under his guidance they rose through the divisions during the infamous Botulario scandal where widespread performance-ehancing drug abuse was prevalent throughout the game. A keen adopter of 'new technologies' Ormald was deeply involved in the Botulario scandal as Estudiantes won their first state title in season 72; and though the whole season, across states, was considered invalid and fraudulent because of such commonplace doping, it was the beginning of Estudiantes place in the top echelons of the game, as they went on to win three more titles - fairly - and made an appearance in the Copa Tequilo. Recently they have been a little more on the flaky side, and have spent a number of seasons bouncing between the first and second tiers - perhaps this time, it will be the start of another more competitive era for Los Eruditos.

[Tequilo]

---

THE ROUND-UP
THAT WAS THE SEASON THAT WAS... WITH MOSEY ACKANARD & THE REST

---

Liga-TQ Cálculo-3 - that is to say, third season - is done, and we've just a few honours to bestow, and a few guest writers to give us their views on the season, before we put this mission to bed and start a new one. The off-season begins now and preparations begin for Cálculo-4 - will SC Pedregal defend their title? Are they having a laugh at Hipopótamo San Joahxa? Will anyone be able to fathom what the wights is going on with next seasons new league structure? But that's a story for another cut-off - today, we'll be talking to spivvy spittalninny Mosey Ackanard about the season that was; we've a doctor in the house to explain the madness of kepolalia that has devastated the under-23 national team and how clubs plan to stay free of the auto-imitation disease; gregarious chairman Gedeó Dosrius reviews his performance in blockbuster fly-on-the-wall Making Moto Great Again; Xose Ron and Dolores give us their round up of life in The Sardine Can, the food outlet at lower-league Sardíneros; and special guest Mardelio Colibrí, front man of Tequilo's international music sensation Ultra-Mariachi, is back with his views on La Liga, following Los Pitxileros, and weaning the Mariachi's dog Basil off lo-fi poor quality and practically talentless gangsta-bark. All that and more, coming up after these end-of-season awards.

---

PLAYER OF THE SEASON
KAI SIDIKI - SC PEDREGAL

---

At 30 years old Kai Sidiki has finally come into his own, the way goalkeepers often do, at a much later stage of his career than most - he's been a decent keeper at The Whistlers for a number of years now, but in the last two or three he has been getting better and better; and being the only player who has been picked for the Selección-TQ team of the season for the last two seasons is a fair indication of his consistency in the TQ era. There is a feeling he might even get a late, late call for the national team, which some have said is well overdue. National team manager Isaac Martí seems well set on Oscar Bienvenida as his #1, and with good reason - at only 21 he has been the outstanding keeper around the leagues and NT selection since the inception of the team, and is certainly the future - but could there be space in the squad, particularly the long qualification campaign, for this seasoned veteran who was, truly, better between the sticks than any other player this season, bar none? Known as a trickster and practical joker around Estadio San Pedro, he is one of the few seniors in an exciting young squad and his work with the developing stars and keeping their feet on the ground is apparently highly valued by management - and he is much loved in the dressing room. Fans at the very traditional club have had a mixed relationship with the keeper over the years and have not always been appreciative of his 'clowning around', believing SC Pedregal to be a club of decorum and gentlemanly conduct, but his outstanding abilities as shot stopper and ball-playing sweeper have certainly won him over with all but the most conservative sections of the supporter base. His extraordinary 27 clean sheets this season, in 49 appearances in all competitions, is a joint record, matched only by Tati Arguinariz at CFFA, also this season, but his XK-Opteq metrics put him out on his own as the player of the season.

"I always thought he was a bit of a joker," says joker Mosey Ackanard, "and that's not for me, as the last line of defence. But you can't argue with those metrics, he's been terrific to watch as a neutral down the years. Did I ever tell you the story of when Skela [Mrs. Ackanard - Ed.] and me met him that one time on a night out in Lipa City? What a night that was, we were supposed to be out for a quiet meal, and Skela says to me - "

Thanks Mosey. Moving on...

HONOURABLE MENTIONS:Banging them in for fun, and setting them up for each other, it's Argón's 47-goal partnership, the BKF - Battalión Kayara-Freixa; strikers Edmundo Freixa, 34, and Kayara, 26 who seem to have developed a telepathic connection up front to the exclusion of everyone else in the team.

---

YOUNG PLAYER OF THE SEASON
JONATAN TORRUBIANO - XICOA

---

And while we're on goal-machine partnerships, how about the young guns that burst on the scene at Xicoa this season, completely unheralded and confounding pretty much every defence they came up against? In fact this was more of a quartet, with attacking midfielder Xuihcoatl, 22, and winger Fabià Coscolla, 21, providing much of the ammunition; Mateu Homs, 19, the out-and-out target man and Jonatan Torrubiano, 21, your considerably more than average trequartista weighing in with goals, assists, and brilliant link up play to conduct the whole orchestra of forward motion. All of them are graduates of the Xicoa academy, and while Xuihcoatl has been around the fringes of the national team since the Baptism of Fire (4 caps in total), not much attention had been lavished on the others up until now. Fabià and Jonatan had made their debuts the previous season, but it was the coming of Mateu Homs into the first team that seemed to be the final piece in the puzzle and they have all been outstanding this season, with Jonatan the pick of them. With 22 goals and 16 assists he was the master of the quartet and was extremely unlucky not to get a national team call-up either for the under-21s or the under-23s in the IAC; but Isaac Martí has been to watch him - and the others - play several times this last season and he may well get a shot to impress in World Cup qualifying. The problem Xicoa are going to have is keeping hold of this quartet of young stars, with all the big teams circling. Xicoa of course are no mom-and-pop-shop themselves but they need to be getting into Liga-TQ if they want to hold on to the likes of Jonatan Torrubiano.

"I don't want to make decisions on the transfer market for my coach," says billionaire owner and football television personality Gedeó Dosrius, talking about Mauricio Nores at Moto, "but as everyone knows, I'm not afraid of a few zeros on a cheque. We are building a great team and we have some terrific players under Mauricio; but I'm never going to say we can't improve it somehow. And when you are Jonatan or Mateo, you'll want to win things, won't you. Can they do that at 'The Índigo?'"

As close rivals in Maranco state, that is quite inflammatory talk from the flamboyant chairman, and he won't be very popular in the city of Xico-comitán right now. For a start, he seems to have deliberatly mixed their nickname up with Índigo Huayna, as he finds it very difficult to label them by their correct moniker - 'The Kings'.

HONOURABLE MENTION:The other half of Xicoa's strike force deserves a big shout out for being the country's second highest scorer this season - Mateo Homs stunning 27 makes him even more prolific than Jonatan.

---

GOLDEN BOOT
GAVRIEL DE ASTUDILLO - ATLÁS CIUREDOR

---

Few saw this fella coming - and maybe stealth is the secret of his success. Rumour has it Gavriel de Astudillo was available at a cut rate price before the season started, unfancied by his manager after a couple of seasons in and out of the team and really failing to impress anyone, much. Pre-season injuries to veteran striker Abram Fraga and Audioslav import Benedict de Leonardo created a spot for Gavriel, who seemingly failed to attract much attention in the transfer market. In the first game of the season, something clicked, he scored a hattrick, and never looked back. He could hardly be dropped for the next game, scored twice, and then more or less stayed in the team for the full season, appearing in 49 matches - more than anyone else in the team. 29 goals in that time gave him the golden boot and I very much doubt Atlás would be short of offers now if they wanted to sell him... and I very much doubt Atlás want to sell him now. Fans talk of the midas touch - practically everything he touched turned to goals, and a number of opposition managers voted him luckiest player of the season - which doesn't really do him credit for the work he put in and the quality of some of his strikes; yes, everything he touched seemed to go in, it's true - but did you see those touches? A man who is always in the right place at the right time is there because he knows where to be, and Gavriel can read a game like an open book. The question will be, can he maintain this next season? Can he push on as a regular superstriker, or is this his finest hour? If so, it's a pretty fine finest hour, as finest hours go.

"And they are some fine fine lines right there," says Mardélio Colibrí, head of the legendary Ultra-Mariachi Band, pitxi fanatic and occasional guest pundit, "buried right in the middle of a long old post that no-one will read, you didn't pull any poetic punches there. And from what I saw of him, Gavriel is fully deserving of the 'I must write that down and use it for something important' dedication you have written him, what a terrific bloody season he's had. Sheer poetry from the man."

HONOURABLE MENTION:Speaking of poets - and yes, of course I pre-planned the segue, thank you very much - popular Tequiloan comic poet Bermudéz must be rightly proud of his cousin Roxelio Toran right now, the national team forward getting his big move to Haïtiens and then hitting 26 goals in 36 games as he enjoys a revival in form ahead of the World Cup.

---

GOLDEN GLOVE
KAI SIDIKI - SC PEDREGAL

---

Another thing about Kai Sidiki, since we've already covered what a great goalkeeper he is, and what good work he does with the young players at The Whistlers... a trained and gifted chef when he's not leaping about like a puma for his team, he prefers to grow as much of his own ingredient as he can at his organic farm on the outskirts of Cuara, which has a developing reputation in particular for the fine quality chillis they produce. With the mantra 'flavour over fire' he produces some spectacularly tasty varieties including his own hybrid, the Tequila Bonnet, which he is convinced is a future winner of the Chilli World Cup Gold Medal. That will be a nice trophy to put alongside his three Guastenango State Championship titles and Copa Tequilo runner-up medal he has won since joining SC from CF Blay de Sant Roman ten seasons ago as a 20-year old hopeful. Did we mention he's quite good at the pitxi? He often plays outfield during training and is perhaps the best goalkeeper in the country with the ball at his feet, enjoying taking a striker on with a cheeky nutmeg or a di Bradini Turn which gives his own fans such nervous moments of which they mostly disapprove.

" - and then, at the end of it all," continues Mosey, "he put it in his pocket, even though it was already starting to throw off sparks. Great purple fountains! You can imagine, can't you. Skela was secretly quite impressed, I think, but I told her there and then, I won't even think about doing that, Skel."

HONOURABLE MENTION:They call him Tati but there have been few tidier between the sticks than CF Frantxizko-A's Armentati 'Tati' Arguinariz this season; another moving into his veteran years with the wind in his sails right now, he matched Kai for clean sheets and really only misses out because of his marginally inferior XK-Opteq metrics and the fact that he isn't so interesting. But no-one is going to argue that he's a quality keeper.

---

MANAGER OF THE SEASON
RAMIRO PAREDO - SC PEDREGAL

---

Although it's easy to pick the winner of the league as the best manager, when maybe there are managers out there doing so much more with so much less, and not coming close to a national title - Tim Knute-Grahn, for example, the Boney head coach who is volunteering for no pay at Sardíneros, and has to pick a pentadecagenarian as his goalkeeper yet still managed to keep The Sardines in mid table of the third tier - this time we are taking the most obvious route because, most obviously, Ramiro Paredo has done something really special this season with his young squad at SC Pedregal. With eleven players in the squad promoted from the academy at the Estadio San Pedro in the last three years, he has nevertheless built a model of consistency - and consistently good - that has returned two runner-up spots in the state championship, a Liga-TQ Proxima win, and this season the state title, Liga-TQ title and Copa Tequilo finalist in the time that these graduates have been involved. This is a young team with style, verve, and great athleticism in the mould of the head coach - fitness levels are exemplary and the games run at 100-kilos per hour; exhausting to watch and surely exhausting to play in. Ramiro has been at it for eight seasons with The Whistlers, winning the state championship twice in the pre-LigaTQ era and smoothly transitioning to this young team with barely a falter.

"Obviously I couldn't vote for Tim," says Don Xose Ron, owner, CEO and jockstrap washer at Sardíneros, "so Ramiro was my clear second pick. He is transforming the way football will be played in this country, which is not good news for my goalkeeper Old Man Jenkins. He can't keep up already."

HONOURABLE MENTION:Thoroughly disillusioned with recent years at Fábrica, the board sacked their head coach Axel Cortes and promoted his assistant Francisco Javier Sandoval in his place; the pickup was immediate, winning a nineteenth state title and qualifying to the Liga-TQ for the first time. They are already calling him The Transformer at El Volcán, and it certainly isn't because of his electric personality.

---

THE WOODEN SPOON
FERRANDO CLEMENTE, REAL GARDARESSO

---

Gardaresso, Antivador - A woman with a kit bag walked into the plush office of the head coach at the apparently magnificent Palacios de Cristal, although really it was a rather shambolic old and crumbling mega-structure hidden under a desert-worth of retro-fitted solar panelling. El Gaffer, Ferrando Clemente, looked up from one of his playbooks with a confused smile. Behind her, the club driver who had been sent to the airport to collect their new Squornshelan striker shuffled in looking rather sheepish.

"Señora Nazahn at your disposal, coach," said the woman, hefting the kitbag onto his desk and thrusting out a confident hand to be shaken, which the coach reciprocated warily.

"Delighted to meet you, Señora, and I'm sure we can find something for you to do around here. Now where is your husband, I'm very keen to meet him."

Her face clouded. "You want to meet... my husband? Who says I have a husband? And why would you want to meet him anyway - for permission to let me play?"

The coach laughed a little nervously, seeing the driver behind Señora Nazahn shaking his head in some kind of warning. "I'm sorry, there must be some confusion. Perhaps he is not your husband, my mistake - so, err, where is he?"

"Who? Where is who?"

He may have been somewhat confused and perhaps a little on the back foot but he was still the head coach of one of the biggest clubs in Tequilo, so his patience was wearing a little thin. "Look, whoever you are, Señora Nezahn, I'm waiting for Rinko Nazahn. My business is with him, so if you'd like to step outside and call him in - "

"I am Rinko Nezahn, Señor Clemente - and I have signed to play for your club. Do you have some kind of problem with that?"

It wasn't so much that Ferrando Clemente had a problem with it, as the rules were clear. Pitxi was for the men. A holy row ensued, as you can imagine. "I mean," said Ferrando, trying to explain the culture of Tequilo through the lens of a masculine-coded sport - never a good idea, "can you imagine if we started putting men in the wrestling ring? It's ludicrous. They can't wrestle, and they'd be torn apart. In Tequilo, the women wrestle, and the men pitxi. It's natural, to us. And yes of course the wrestling is the national sport of Tequilo, and for your information yes it is bigger than football. Oh there is a subset of male wrestling, yes, but nobody is interested and it is awful to watch. If they wanted to see men prancing around in fancy uniforms, people would go to the football."

"This is like Cassadiagua, in reverse," retorted the angry Squorn forward, touching a raw nerve with all Tequiloa.

"Out!" yelled the head coach.

...and that's why Ferrando Clemente wins this year's wooden spoon - for spending ₸2.2m on a striker he would never be allowed to play in Tequiloan football, at any level; for signing a female footballer based on a listing in the International Domestic Soccer Discussion Thread, a multiversal forum for sharing information about clubs, leagues, players and secondhand equipment for sale. You could forgive him for not realising Rinko could be a woman's name; after all, in Tequilo it is an oft-used men's name - think of footballers Rinko de Pedrosa, the striker at Cooperativa, or winger Rinko Fonte Poutein at Pelotón, or even youth prospect Rinko Bárba at the Juventoyan academy. But even so. When he looked back later, even in the classified add on Gogolsheets it clearly describes Rinko as woman.

Club and player immediately fell out over compensation, cancellation of contracts, and so on - to the point where they were still wrangling with extreme rancour when the transfer window shut; with Real not prepared to let her go as a free agent with the amount of pay-off she was looking for, deadlock ensued. They will undoubtedly offload her in the next window, and probably for a cut price.

"It's the sort of mistake any of us could make," says Mosey Ackanard, "if you don't read the small print carefully on those classifieds - and it is extremely small print, let me tell you. So I have some sympathy for Ferrando. But at the same time - what a straight-up no-nonsense bonafide ninnyhammer!"*

DISHONOURABLE MENTION:At Motozintla they voted strongly to give the wooden spoon to the IFCF, but we don't want to upset friends in high places so we are going to go for a Farv who lacked the mythical Farv Flair, Jâsín Wíndândaò really bombing at Acacoyagua this season and not wanting to see himself listed bottom of the Cosmo league - but there he is look, right down there...

---

TOP PLAYER RATINGS
Stats by XK-Opteq

---

Top Players

1. Kai Sidiki		30, GK		SC Pedregal		9.79 Player of the season
2. Kayara		29, ST		Argón Tacranza		9.78	
3. Jeremías Carballal	37, AMC		Resplendiente		9.74 Veteran of the season

Venâncio Paiva (AUD)	35, ST		Florentino		9.70 Cosmo of the season
Jonatan Torrubiano	21, ST		Xicoa			9.68	
Uskor McKrila (WGT)	36, ML		Peru Urzagui		9.60	
Otxote Sunsundegui	35, DMC		Peru Urzagui		9.56
Tesco Zuniga (AUD)	23, ST		Pitxi-Pitxi 77		9.54
Roxelio Toran		29, ST		Haïtiens		9.53
Chicchan		32, DR		Pitxi-Pitxi 77		9.50

Top Young Players

1. Jonatan Torrubiano	21, ST		Xicoa			9.68 Young player of the season	
2. Actzin Tehuaco	21, AMC		Telmo-Léao		9.49
3. Axó			20, DMC		Pitxi-Pitxi 77		9.43

Esâ Neá			20, ML		Florentino		9.35
Macedoni Altés		19, ST		Motozintla		9.27
Kintilo Leabide		21, ST		Independiencia		9.21
Oscar Rivera		20, DC		Atlás Ciuredor		9.13
Anakleto		21, ST		Fábrica Tapalupé	8.97
Axâdriso		18, DC		Argón Tacranza		8.87
Milan Lucio		21, AMC		SC Pedregal		8.82

Top Keepers

=1. Kai Sidiki		30, GK		SC Pedregal		27 {Golden Glove
=1. Tati Arguinariz	30, GK		CF Frantxizko-A		27 {Golden Glove
 3. Oscar Bienvenida	20, GK		Motozintla		25

Salvador Collazo	27, GK		Sporta Ibaeta		20	
Miguel Mas		33, GK		Benemérito		19
Abas Juanarena		18, GK		Unuiĝuinta		18 
Evaristo Luquiain	23, GK		Polibio			15

Top Scorers

1. Gavriel de Astudillo	25, ST		Atlás Ciuredor		29 Golden Boot
2. Mateo Homs		19, ST		Xicoa			27
3. Roxelio Toran	29, ST		Haïtiens		26

Kayara			29, ST		Argón Tacranza		25
Roibén Caldera		21, ST		SC Pedregal		24
Taca			36, ST		Resplendiente		24
Edmundo Freixa		34, ST		Argón Tacranza		22
Jonatan Torrubiano	21, ST		Xicoa			22	
Belián Cirera		32, ST		Acacoyagua		21
Salazar Girao (TAM)	31, AMC		Atlás Ciuredor		21

Team of the Season

1.  Kai Sidiki			30, GK		SC Pedregal		9.79 Player of the season
2.  Blêxu			25, DL		Motozintla		9.01
3.  Chicchan			32, DR		Pitxi-Pitxi 77		9.50
4.  Oscar Rivera		20, DC		Atlás Ciuredor		9.13
5.  Axâdriso			18, DC		Argón Tacranza		8.87
6.  Otxote Sunsundegui		35, DMC		Peru Urzagui		9.56
7.  Uskor McKrila (WGT)		36, ML		Peru Urzagui		9.60
8.  Jeremías Carballal		37, AMC		Resplendiente		9.74 Veteran of the season
9.  Jonatan Torrubiano		21, ST		Xicoa			9.68
10. Kayara			29, ST		Argón Tacranza		9.78
11. Ricardo Bailén		23, MR		Fábrica Tapalupé	9.17

Cosmos Team of the Season

1.  Sâálvó Lâegi		19, GK	(FFD)	Argón Tacranza		7.60
2.  Jodi Servais		19, DL	(EUR)	Real Gardaresso	 	8.15 (on loan from Hornchurch, EUR)
3.  Cygnet Valeri		33, DR	(ASU)	Resplendiente		7.08
4.  Frank Kolar			30, DC	(STL)	Haïtiens		8.54
5.  Urguz Alzagaray		22, DC	(ASG)	Unuiĝinta		6.46
6.  Timo Blankman		33, DMC	(NPH)	Haïtiens		7.81		
7.  Fiete Tannhaeuser		30, AML	(NPH)	Fábrica Tapalupé	8.54
8.  Jôk Ônzántolöìra		20, AMC	(FFD)	Acacoyagua		8.41 
9.  Venâncio Paiva		35, ST	(AUD)	Florentino		9.70 Cosmo of the season
10. Tesco Zuniga		23, ST	(AUD)	Pitxi-Pitxi 77		9.54
11. Con Hatzileftheriou		24, AMR	(NPH)	Pitxi-Pitxi 77		7.95

LOS COSMOPOLITAS

---

COSMOS PLAYER OF THE SEASON
VENÂNCIO PAIVA - FLORENTINO

---

How does a veteran out-and-out goalscorer who prefers to engage selective deafness when the coach starts talking about build-up play remain top of his game and relevant when his knees slow down and his vision gets a little fuzzy around the edges? Well, first you quit a top team like KT Koroatuz in a top league like the Kirola National League in Audioslavia and drop down to a much more beatable level, like Liga-TQ. Then you get a few half-decent youngsters around you to defer to your experience and goalscoring priority like Florentino's wonderkids Frodo March and Alex Gallo. And finally you look busy when not in possession by bossing everyone around and helping them to develop their work ethic, like moderatly decent attacking midfield Clemenzo Cora who just had the season of his life thanks to your considered opinion-sharing and game management which is focused on saving your legs and getting everyone to put the ball where you need it for goalscoring opportunities which you probably won't miss. You have to hold up your end of the bargain by not missing.

Once again, Venâncio Paiva did exactly all those things, hitting 18 goals in 35 games but importantly making everyone around him a better player by conducting the orchestra so effectively from his position on or around the penalty spot. Florentino have been a much better team with him in the squad, and he's given a lot of credit for improving training and tactics too, as the very decent head coach Huey Wight builds a formation and an approach around him. It is the perfect compromise for both the ageing striker and the coach who has complete confidence in him, and while Las Violetas missed out on the national title this season, they still won the Copa and finished second in the league.

"As a coach, he's your alter-ego out on the pitch," says admirer Mosey Ackanard, "you know he's going to take your message, and make sure everyone else gets it. Of course you have to make sure he agrees with your message first, otherwise he's going to ignore you. I love him. He's just what you need to win things."

HONOURABLE MENTION:They are already calling Tesco Zuniga 'the next Venâncio Paiva' and while the comparison is supposed to be complimentary, it doesn't really do him credit. The younger Audioslav has adapted his game to fit the needs of his team, he shows great game sense across the forward positions, and he's clearly listening to his coaching team. Given he is still only 23 and has time on his side, he might be even better than Venâncio - much better.

---

LOS COSMOPOLITAS RATINGS
Stats by XK-Opteq

---

All Cosmos are rated apart from those signed to youth ranks, for whom metrics are not available.

The Top 10

1.  Venâncio Paiva	35, ST	(AUD)	Florentino		9.70	35	18
2.  Tesco Zuniga	23, ST	(AUD)	Pitxi-Pitxi 77		9.54	31	20
=3. Frank Kolar		30, DC	(STL)	Haïtiens		8.54	27	0
=3. Fiete Tannhaeuser	30, AML	(NPH)	Fábrica Tapalupé	8.54	23	4

Jôk Ônzántolöìra	20, AMC	(FFD)	Acacoyagua		8.41	20	7
Jodi Servais		19, DL	(EUR)	Real Gardaresso	 	8.15	20	3 (on loan from Hornchurch, EUR)
Con Hatzileftheriou	24, AMR	(NPH)	Pitxi-Pitxi 77		7.95	21	2
Rémy Lussier		23, MR	(RCN)	CF Frantxizko-A		7.86	25	2
Timo Blankman		33, DMC	(NPH)	Haïtiens		7.81	18	1
Sâálvó Lâegi		19, GK	(FFD)	Argón Tacranza		7.60	29	10

Regulars

Váásîlóénün Jóf		20, MR	(FFD)	Haïtiens		7.45	38	13
Valtter Marvinsson	19, DMC	(GRF)	Haïtiens		7.22	23	0
Cygnet Valeri		33, DR	(ASU)	Resplendiente		7.08	15	2
Goran Olazabar		21, DL	(ASG)	Inter Raití		7.05	24	1
Yunji Gastanaga		23, DMC	(HIN)	Unuiĝinta		6.92	18	4
Laurent Lapix		19, DMC	(RCN)	Resplendiente		6.90	17	4
Zhu Mingxia		21, DC	(YZH)	Fábrica Tapalupé	6.87	16	1
Ion Feo			21, GK	(AUD)	Equipo Caimán		6.81	26	6
Mâártën Âllámbâlár	29, ST	(FFD)	CF Frantxizko-A		6.78	30	1
Wlad Wlad		24, DC	(ZRH)	Resplendiente		6.68	17	1
Praxil Law		32, DL	(NPH)	Xicoa			6.57	19	1
Vâásk Çêwé		19, ST	(FFD)	Motozintla		6.56	16	3
Urguz Alzagaray		22, DC	(ASG)	Unuiĝinta		6.46	31	1
Rüí Lütáò		27, AMC	(FFD)	Real Gardaresso		6.31	44	20
Sâlämão			19, DL	(FFD)	Fábrica Tapalupé	6.27	26	3
Adraan Telviir		32, CM	(MRN)	Acacoyagua		6.26	37	2
Émílíâno Kâús		18, DMC	(FFD)	Índigo Huayna		4.36	18	2
Drì Ügísanâ		20, DL	(FFD)	Haïtiens		4.34	34	0

Under 15 games

Rynyr-Pilta Jan		32, AMC	(QUS)	Independiencia		8.77	5	2
Ésüá Àìûmôr		21, DL	(FFD)	Resplendiente		8.68	9	1
Cody Toa		23, ST	(TKT)	Haïtiens		7.32	10	3
Nout Ström		20, ST	(EFL)	Serpentina		6.52	9	3
Mo Stein		21, ST	(EFL)	Serpentina		6.38	5	2
Lukabor Ilić		22, DC	(ZRH)	Real Gardaresso		5.96	10	0
Lídôr Újâk		19, MC	(FFD)	Peru Urzagui		5.80	7	0
= Kâásîmîró		19, ST	(FFD)	Resplendiente		5.58	10	2
= Prôspër Vílséré	19, DMC	(FFD)	Haïtiens		5.58	10	2
Tinni Grímólfursson	20, DMC	(GRF)	Atlás Ciuredor		5.62	5	0
Nexev-Savar Fox		22, AML	(QUS)	Fábrica Tapalupé	4.49	5	1
Benedict de Leonardo	23, ST	(AUD)	Atlás Ciuredor		4.00	9	1
Çè Êf			22, AML	(FFD)	Pitxi-Pitxi 77		3.50	4	0
Josh Scraff		18, AMC	(KSK)	Haïtiens		3.40	9	0
Jâsín Wíndândaò		22, MR	(FFD)	Acacoyagua		3.24	10	0

Rinko Nazahn		26, ST	(SRS)	Real Gardaresso		0	0	0

Lower Tier Players

1. Gabriël Franken	37, ST	(AUD)	Mejillones Lipa 	8.56	9	2
2. Lamitija Elogosesurá	20, ST	(FFD)	Reyes Católicos		8.44	22	7 (on loan from Galaxía) 		
3. Samuel Duverger	20, MC	(FFD)	Galaxía			8.43	27	13

Hermes Kripto		22, ML	(SPM)	Mejillones Lipa 	8.16	36	9
Tim Kameda		18, MR	(KSK)	Galaxía			7.50	44	13
Caémiró Dandeluneí	20, DR	(FFD)	Estudiantes Tacranza	7.21	13	1 (on loan from Galaxía)
Waylon Caskie		20, ST	(AUD)	Mejillones Lipa 	5.72	6	3
Old Man Jenkins		158, GK	(MUR)	Sardíneros		no data available

---

SELECCIÓN COSMOS
TEAM OF THE SEASON & EXHIBITION MATCH

---

Never one to miss a financial payout, the Unión organise an annual end-of-season charity kickabout featuring the Tequiloan team of the season, fancily named the Selección-TQ, up against the best of the foreign types making their living in Tequilo these days. A modest 15,000 curious sorts made their way to the El Saga in Urzagui, home of Peru, and witnessed an interesting, but typically end-of-season-kickabout-style end-of-season 'exhibition match' in which the Cosmos - that would be the foreign types - were well beaten in what almost could have been a pre-agreed result, providing plenty of goals at each end, highly polished action, and a commendable win for the home nation to reassure fans they are still better than Juanito Continente. The match raised a few chèlinpesos for charity too, so that's a bonus. Well done to young Argón defender Axâdriso, yet another from their incredible academy production line, who topped a wonderful debut season with a player-of-the-match performance and a goal to boot. A shout out to the inimitable Señor Paiva, too, who has scored in two consecutive Cosmos exhibition matches.

Cosmos 3-5 Selección-TQH/T 2-3
@ El Saga, Urzagui. Attendance 14,662

Goals: Vanâncio Paiva 17' Tesco Zuniga 40' Fiete Tannhaeuser 55' | Blêxu 1' Oscar Rivera 6' Axâdriso 41' Roxelio Toran 67' Jeremías Carballal 81
Assists: Con Hatzileftheriou, Jodi Servais, Tesco Zuniga | Jonatan Torrubiano (2), Jeremías Carballal, Kayara (2)

Player of the match: Axâdriso (Selección-TQ)
Booked: Cygnet Valeri, Venâncio Paiva, Valtter Marvinsson | Ricardo Bailén, Roxelio Toran

Player Ratings

COSMOS				SELECCIÓN-TQ

Sâálvó Lâegi		[7.4]		Kai Sidiki		[5.2]			Match Statistics
Jodi Servais		[8.2]	sub	Blêxu			[7.3](1)   
Frank Kolar		[7.5]		Chicchan		[9.5]			Poss (%):	47/53		
Urguz Alzagaray		[4.9]		Oscar Rivera		[9.4](1)		Shots:		15-15
Cygnet Valeri		[7.3] YY	Axâdriso		[9.7](1)		On Target:	8-7	
Timo Blankman		[4.6]	sub	Otxote Sunsundegui	[8.3]			Pass Comp(%):	69-80
Fiete Tannhaeuser	[9.7](1)	Esâ Neá			[6.1]	sub		Corners:	4-10
Jôk Ônzántolöìra	[8.5]		Jeremías Carballal	[6.2](1)		Fouls:		10-15
Venâncio Paiva		[9.6](1)YY   	Jonatan Torrubiano	[9.4]	sub		Yellow cards:	3-2
Tesco Zuniga		[8.7](1)	Kayara			[4.7]	sub		Reds:		0
Con Hatzileftheriou	[6.6]   sub	Ricardo Bailén		[5.0] YY	

Subs Used			        Subs Used
Rémy Lussier		[8.1]		Uskor McKrila (WGT)	[5.9]
Valtter Marvinsson	[9.1] YY	Roxelio Toran		[8.6](1)YY
Goran Olazabar		[5.3]		Gavriel de Astudillo	[5.6]

---

END OF SEASON RUMOUR MILL
A TEQUILOAN SUMMER AHEAD OF CONTRACT NEGOTIATIONS, FREE AGENTS AND SECRET DEALS

---

₸ = Tequiloan Chèlinpeso, the national currency, pegged close to 1:1 to the NS$

THE HEADLINERS

FOUR DOWN TO LONG-KEPO
Following the disastrous trip to the recent IAC tournament, where many of the national under-23 team came down with the brain virus Kepolalia, at least four players are out for the season with the version known as Long-Kepo, where garbled speech, auto-imitation, and aggressive tantrums are some of the outward symptoms. Most of the squad will miss the beginning of the season as they are being held in strict quarantine, but it is thought that Esâ Neá and Alex Gallo of Florentino, Tomás Alemán of Argón and Diego Nores of Motozintla are so bad, they will not be returning this season at all. There is rumour that they may even be facing retirement from the game.

---

THE LEGEND TO MOVE ON
Former national team captain and the on-field leader of the Make Moto Great Again project, Mateo Tafalla, has announced he will leave Motozintla as a free agent as his contract expires. The 33-year old attacking midfielder had held off all season on making a decision about a contract extension, but after another brilliant year with 23 goals from 44 games, whilst showing no signs of slowing down Mateo has decided it is time to end his seven-season stint at the Arenamoto and look for one last challenge. Having started his professional pitxi in his youth abroad in Tamarindia, it is believed he is considering more foreign adventures at the back end of his career.

"I've already called him," says spivvy Spittalninny Mosey Ackanard, "but he's not picking up. I sent the boys round to his house, but he wouldn't answer the door, and told them to tell me to do one. In the nicest possible language of course, because he's a top fella. Who wouldn't want him in their team? It'll be a tragedy if he leaves the league, mind. Instant devaluation, right there."

---

THE BIG MONEY

---

MOTOZINTLA
It looks like Señor Dosrius the Mad Chairman will have to be getting his chequebook out; not only dealing with the loss of club captain Mateo Tafalla on a free and Diego Nores out for at least a season with 'The Keppo', young strike revelation Macedoni Altés has handed in a transfer request, stating he wants to be somewhere 'less interesting'.

---

HAÏTIENS
It's a season of consolidation ahead for moneybags Haïtiens as they impressed enough to convince several of their recent signings on short term contracts to extend. Teusman Frank Kolar, Græntfjaller Valtter Marvinsson and Tikario Cody Toa have all renewed terms on long contracts, along with academy prospect Pasca Apitolla.

"All the managers at the top sides will be avoiding Gedeó Dosrius right now," observes Mosey, "he's got holes to fill in that side and the money to do it. He'll consider every decent player in the league fair game. Fortunately I don't have a problem with him because my boys aren't on his radar. In the great game hunt he's looking for lions and tigers; I've got a couple of sloths, a hedgehog and a pot-bellied keeper at my disposal."

---

THE BIG TEN

---

PITXI-PITXI 77
The big scare is over as young attacking midfielder Cio Çenturion, who is about to drop his first name to sound more ferocious, finally put pen to paper on a new contract after extended haggling that looked like the 77o were set to lose; having seen Ixtub Tün go last season, they didn't want another wonderkid heading for the exit.

---

CF FRANTXIZKO-A
In a big blow for The Golds, flamboyant Farv forward Mâártën Âllámbâlár, 29, has handed in a transfer request. One of the best foreign types in the league, he has been brilliant for CFFA but plainly is less than impressed with their stuttering form, and is apparently planning to stay in-country to sign for a rival, but CFFA may have something to say about that.

"I know our Farves aren't much rated in their own country - that's why they are here," says Mosey, "but as Tequilo-based Farves go, this fella Alabama-whatsisface is one of the best: it's come to something in this game that The Golds can't keep hold of him. There was a time a Farv striker - or anyone, to be fair - would've paid to play for CFFA. Now they don't fancy it much and they say so."

REAL GARDARESSO
Real have confirmed that Squornishwoman Rinko Nazahn will be moved on after the debacle of her season of gardening leave; they are also going to lose young Euran leftback Jody Servais, head and shoulders their best player over the last two seasons, as he returns to home club Hornchurch after his loan spell at El Palacios Cristal.

---

FLORENTINO
Hard hit by Long Kepo with Esâ Neá and Alex Gallo both out for at least a year, on the contracts front Las Violetas are thinking about the future with two veterans joining the coaching staff - Sabastian Sebastian, 37, will retire from playing while Iessö Taû, 35, signs a player-coach contract to see out his playing career.

"There'll always be a saga at Real, it's who they are," quips Mosey, "but this is beyond belief, you couldn't make it up what happened with that poor woman Rinko Nazahn. That's a season out of her game, it will be tough to come back from that. And as for Real, well, is anyone abroad going to want to do business with them after this? They might not even shift her - what then? Surely they'll have to rip up her contract and pay her off."

FÁBRICA TAPALUPÉ
No contract worries at Fábrica after a fine season, with three of their foreign stars all signing on the dotted line to extend their stays - defender Zhu Mingxia (YZH), 21, and midfielders Fiete Tannhaeuser (NPH), 30, and Nexev-Savar Fox (QUS), 22, all sign new deals to keep them at the club for the next few seasons.

---

ARGÓN TACRANZA
Brilliant young fullback Emmanuel París, 17, who so impressed in Tequilo's under-18 World Cup march to the final in Chromatika, has stunned the club by declining a new contract. With only a season left on his old one, Argón may well choose to cash in now to recoup something for their efforts in bringing him through the renowned Argón Academy.

"What is the world coming to," wonders Mosey, "when a snot-nosed kid starts to dictate terms as if they were a fully paid up superstar? He should be on a compulsory unbreakable contract till he's twenty-five, the amount of resources they've put into getting him this far. Instead he's knocking on the managers door demanding terms? Come on! If I'd have knocked on my manager's door when I was seventeen for anything other than to bring him a cup of coffee, old Covo [Covo Reyes - Ed.] would have knocked on my nose hard enough to put me into the middle of next week! Mind you, saying that, I'd sign the lad. Terrific footballer. Terrific."

ACACOYAGUA
Handy Farv attacking midfielder Jôk Ônzántolöìra, 20, has signalled his intention to leave at the end of next season by declining a new contract. meanwhile much-loved leftback Phallcha Quillahuaman, 37, has decided to call it a day despite still being first choice throughout the last season; Acaco have also released defender Achiyaku, 26.

---

SC PEDREGAL
While the champions get a number of contract negotiations over the line with the added incentive of Champions League football next season, troubled young rightback Fernan Sotolongo, 18, the youngest player to appear for the first team, will leave as a free agent at the end of next season after not being offered terms. It has been some decline for the young man.

"Sometimes they peak too soon," says Mosey, "and the lad will need some looking after to get him back on track. Probably the best thing he can do right now is accept he won't be the star they all said he was going to be back when he was vice-captaining the national under-18's when two years under age, and get his head down at a modest club where he can rebuild under the guidance of a top manager. I'll sign him."

RESPLENDIENTE
Veteran international fullback Patrick Zambo, 33, has confirmed he plans to see out his career at The Crows as he signs a new two-year contract with an option on another two. The defender has also confirmed he has no plans to step down from the national team as others from the golden Baptism of Fire group plan to - good news for Los Pitxileros.

---

ATLÁS CIUREDOR
A quiet off-season at Atlás looks likely as they renew key contracts for defenders Alonso Patyño, Venantzio, and defendsive midfielder Waô. Veteran defender Fru Mbala, 33, and much-loved keeper Aucapuma, 35, will both call it a day, announcing their retirements with immediate effect.

"Renewing Patrick's contract is like a new signing for The Crows, he's so important to them," observes Mosey, before elusively adding, "but the amount of players up for grabs right now, as we've seen, should be great fodder for anyone still tuning in at this point - if I was them, and I fancied a player out of this lot, I'd be right on the blower via TG to get my offers in ahead of the transfer window - it could be a done deal by the end of the weekend. 'Si te duermes tu pierdes' as they say over here. Not sure what it means, mind."

---

THE REST

---

EQUIPO CAIMÁN
Audioslav Channel One's 'Footballer McFootballyface' keeper Ion Feo has spent two seasons impressing almost no-one at The Gators as he struggles to adapt to life in the cloud forests of Guastenango, and has mutually decided not to renew his contract - the question remains, however, if he will try again in Tequilo or head out for pastures new.

---

OCOZOXHUATLA
Ocozo's promising young winger Turbolito has decided he needs a better club to put himself back in the national team shop window after impressing in the first under-18 squad but failing to win a move up the ranks to the under-21s or under-23s. With World Cup qualifying selection around the corner, he has handed in a transfer request.

XICOA
Supporters of 'The Kings' will be gutted to hear that the club has failed to convince national team defender and all-round utility player Noxochinoch, 29, to extend his contract as the player with 36 caps for his country decides to leave as a free agent. Rumour has it the multiverse is calling but Motozintla may have something to say about that.

---

PERU URZAGUI
Los Peruaños are faced with the difficult decision of potentially selling promising young striker Martzel Zabalaemeldi after he indicated he will see out his contract and leave at the end of next season. The former Tequilo under-18 player is another, like Turbolito, looking for a path back into NT contention after falling away.

UNUIĜINTA
The Red Lions are gutted to be losing their two brightest prospects over the off-season; Tequilo under-18 captain and striker Danté has not renewed his contract with the club he grew up at, while under-18 keeper Abas Juanarena, just one season into his career with the seniors, has handed in a transfer request. Frustrating times at The Red's Arena.

---

SOCRATES
The club from the capital are on the brink of confirming a deal for their new head coach, and they are going in for a former playing legend at the club, now managing Mejillones Lipa in the second tier and punching well above their weight - Mosey Ackanard. Also dropping into the second tier, The Thinkers are looking for a quick return to the top flight.

Mosey Ackanard is currently unavailable for comment, as he sits next to me reading a newspaper and appearing not to hear me. "Orlo [Mosey's Tequiloan Bison Terrier - Ed.] goes deaf when it suits him," pipes up Mosey, helpfully, "he can't hear a thing unless you are offering him food, and then he'll hear a pin drop in a vacuum."

Fascinating, thanks. And so, are you going to Socrates, Mosey?

Mosey?

---

* Based on a true story - I did actually sign Rinko thinking she was a man and then realised too late she wasn't. Apologies to Rinko and to SRS - I am that straight-up no-nonsense bonafide ninnyhammer for making her sit a season out in the wilderness watching Tequiloan wrestling. Apparently, for what it's worth, she really enjoys it.