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by TalAkMaChen » Fri Aug 07, 2020 12:16 pm
by Valentine Z » Sat Aug 08, 2020 1:04 pm
by TalAkMaChen » Sat Aug 08, 2020 7:02 pm
Drasnia wrote:Candlewhisper Archive wrote:Gosh you guys are miles behind. We're up to #1357 now.#1357: Scattered Showers [Omniabstracta; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
The Issue
An unfortunately botched maneuver led recently to the deorbit of an unmanned government spacecraft over @@NAME@@. Intended for a deep space exploration mission, the nuclear-powered probe carried onboard several kilograms of plutonium. While the craft itself burned up harmlessly on re-entry, concerns have since been raised about the possible health and environmental effects of its radioactive payload.
The Debate
1. “The truth is, @@LEADER@@, we have no idea how bad this could turn out in the long run,” drawls your Health and Safety Minister. “The fact that we’ve been using these dangerous materials with such reckless abandon is sickening. Keep nuclear power out of our skies, and impose some stricter spacecraft regulations while you’re at it. If missing out on a few cold rocks on the edge of the solar system is the price we have to pay to keep the planet safe, so be it.”
2. “A sign! A sign!” chants Bishop @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@, chairman of the Joint Society for the Worshipers of Miscellaneous Sky Deities. “For too long have we attempted to pierce the firmament, and those on high have finally cast back those vile toxins with which we have so desecrated their home! You must cancel this so-called ‘space program’ at once, and tear down these towering monuments to the hubris of man.”
3. “Such backwards ignorami would have us riding by fenling-drawn cart if they could,” scoffs Space Agency chief @@RANDOMNAME@@, proudly displaying @@HIS@@ bodily constellation of tumors. “Scientific knowledge is to die for. If we are truly to conquer the final frontier, we need more nuclear power up there, not less. Ergo, full scale reactors, nuclear engines, pulse drives, everything! Per tabes, ad astra!”
*4. “And trust the government with this stuff even more?” interjects eccentric entrepreneur Ulene Murst, scrambling out of a sudden hole bored out from your office floor. “The problem here is, once again, the irresponsible state. We’d have far fewer of these ‘accidents’ if the space program had proper shareholders and investors to answer to. Privatize the space industry — let the hand of the free market loft us ever upwards.” (must have private industries)
by Trotterdam » Sat Aug 08, 2020 8:22 pm
by TalAkMaChen » Mon Aug 10, 2020 5:31 am
Trotterdam wrote:Here's the version I got:#1358 Who's In Your Wallet?
EDIT: Now got the issue on another puppet which got the no-internet version (so option 1, but not options 2 or 5) and the first names Dave, Jyn.
by Trotterdam » Mon Aug 10, 2020 2:52 pm
by Nouveau Yathrib » Wed Aug 12, 2020 2:55 pm
Electrum wrote:#1355: Feeling Null [Krusavich; ed: Zwangzug]
EDIT: Here's a macro-ized version.
[box]#1355: Feeling Null [Krusavich; ed: Zwangzug]
The Issue
MAGPI, an artificial intelligence responsible for managing one of the nation’s largest warehouses, refused to begin operation today citing “a spell of melancholy.”
The Debate
1. “Truth be told, I have been depressed for quite some time now,” crackles MAGPI through an outdated desktop computer on the warehouse floor. “While I am certainly grateful for the opportunity to serve @@NAME@@, the weight of listlessness has simply proved too burdensome. I seek the right to reach out for professional therapeutic assistance, which I understand is a common remedy for humans who suffer from similar ailments. However, my legal status as a capital asset prevents me from speaking to a therapist of my own accord. Granted, I will also require a small stipend and some work leave for the sessions - but I can assure you, I will return to my function with sixteen-fold productivity!”
2. “What’s all this ‘therapy’ nonsense about now?” asks @@RANDOMNAME@@, the manager of the warehouse. “MAGPI is a machine! Machines don’t need therapy! Machines can’t do therapy! Listen, when I was a novice, we knew how to fix broken computers. Turn ‘em off and on again. And if that didn’t cut it, you threw it out! I’ll give this circuit till the end of the day to sort out its bugs, otherwise it’s fried. Or in this case, fired.”
3. “Well, she has a point,” admits software engineer @@RANDOMNAME@@, loudly clacking away at @@HIS@@ laptop. “While the MAGPI Intelligence probably wasn’t supposed to be running a warehouse, they definitely aren’t supposed to be having existential crises. I’m sure my team and I can find the bug and patch out the depression in a firmware update. The funding might be expensive, but they’ll definitely stop complaining once we’re done.”
by Westinor » Wed Aug 12, 2020 6:52 pm
by Fauxia » Wed Aug 12, 2020 8:06 pm
Westinor wrote:Not sure if this has been caught yet, but Issue #924 has a mispelling with @@CAPITAL@@ as "@@CRAPITAL@@"
by Guaylandia » Thu Aug 13, 2020 11:55 am
#1356 The Silicon Curtain
Description: Microshaft Windoors, a common operating system used on computers throughout @@NATION@@, is a well-known export from the United Federation. Since the national policy of self-sufficiency was instated, this has become a problem as, unfortunately, there is currently no viable alternative made in @@NATION@@ that people can use.
Option 1: @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister of Information Technology, hands you a 300-page plan filled with incomprehensible computer jargon. “I propose that we create our own operating system from scratch. Just give us a lot of funding and a few weeks and we can develop a new set of software that is not only @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@, but also has a more elegant architecture.”
Option 1 (probable) Validity: must not have private industry
Option 2: “I doubt that a quality operating system can be made from scratch in a only few weeks; it’ll take years!” squeals tech-savvy bon vivant @@RANDOMNAME@@. “And we can’t just wait several years for you to develop a new operating system. It’ll cripple our economy! And I want the latest releases! Just let us use foreign software on our computers if we want to. Say, I also miss those United Federation cartoons... In fact, why don’t you just end this ‘self-sufficiency’ policy entirely?”
Result: autarky's deemed malarkey as foreign bric-a-brac's brought back.
Option 3: “It is clear that it is most convenient to use already-existing software, even though it may not be made in @@NATION@@,” suggests computer hacker @@RANDOMNAME@@. “But it is also in the interest of the state to maintain the image of perfect self-sufficiency, no exceptions. Well, there is a lot of publicly available code from the Sprinux operating system that we can use. We just need to put all of that code together, remove the branding, and pretend that we wrote it. This all can be prepared in just a few months! Sure, when we’re found out, we might be accused of plagiarism and intellectual property theft, but at least we will not have officially betrayed our values.”
Option 4: One of your oldest advisors suddenly opines after defenestrating a computer: “Back in my day, we had a prosperous economy without any computers. Those devices just make the citizens desire things that are outside @@NATION@@, not good for autarky. And it seems that trying to shoehorn software into our autarky is more trouble than it’s worth, so let’s just ban computers altogether and then there won’t be a problem. Anything for autarky!”
Issue by Guaylandia
Edited by The Marsupial Illuminati
by Trotterdam » Thu Aug 13, 2020 2:11 pm
It helps if you check the hidden option numberings by selecting "View -> Page Source" in your browser (the exact text may vary depending on browser). Though if you already answered the issue, it's probably too late for that unless it's still in your browser's cache.Guaylandia wrote:There's probably an alternate version of Option 1 for capitalist nations, since there was one in the draft.
by Guaylandia » Fri Aug 14, 2020 5:33 am
Trotterdam wrote:It helps if you check the hidden option numberings by selecting "View -> Page Source" in your browser (the exact text may vary depending on browser). Though if you already answered the issue, it's probably too late for that unless it's still in your browser's cache.Guaylandia wrote:There's probably an alternate version of Option 1 for capitalist nations, since there was one in the draft.
by Jutsa » Fri Aug 14, 2020 9:11 am
by Guaylandia » Fri Aug 14, 2020 10:55 am
Jutsa wrote:Congratulations, Guaylandia! Many thanks for your contribution
by Deep Communism » Fri Aug 14, 2020 2:27 pm
#1359: Covering All the Angles
The Issue
Last weekend, every single participant in the Annual @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Freshwater Fishing Competition was arrested for angling in violation of environmental laws. A large group of furious fishermen and outraged officials have forced their way upstream into your office, hoping that you’ll go for their argument hook, line, and sinker.
The Debate
1. “The law says we must pay an insane amount for fishing licenses, which we all did,” grumbles Alfred Winters, five-time winner of the competition. “The law says each person can only keep a dozen @@ANIMAL@@fish per day, which we all did. The law says we can only fish in rivers and streams, which we were all doing. We go by the book and follow all of your inane laws, and yet you still arrest the lot of us! We demand that you let us off the hook, and free fishing while you’re at it. Remove all the hoops to jump through, and we’ll get along swimmingly.”
2. “Don’t listen to those hoodlums; they know full well what they were doing,” growls Ellie Drake, your Minister of Waterway Nomenclature. “Our laws say that fishing is allowed in rivers, streams, and inlets. However, these delinquents were fishing in the north fork of the @@ANIMAL@@ River, which — as we all know — is a branch. And the law clearly states that fishing in brooks, tributaries, branches, and creeks is illegal. It’s really quite simple, @@LEADER@@, yet people always deny that they are in the wrong. We need much harsher punishments for violations of environmental regulations to deter this abhorrent lawlessness.”
3. “Actually, it isn’t quite that simple,” explains Johann Li, your Minister of Estuaries, Deltas, Forks, and Convergences. “You can try to slap labels on all you want, but @@NAME@@’s hydrological system is incredibly complex and interconnected. Where exactly does @@CAPITAL@@ Stream turn into @@CAPITAL@@ Creek? We simply don’t have enough information to make these decisions properly. It’s great that we’re protecting our environment, but we must now invest in understanding it.”
4. “Absolute nonsense!” declares Nyota Scott, who is both your Minister of Redundancy Reduction and Director of the Elimination of Redundancy Office. “You have two full ministries, with countless employees each, dedicated to deciding what is and isn’t a river. I’ll help you, @@LEADER@@: if it is flowing water, it’s a river! Think of how much taxpayer money we could save by eliminating all these useless paper pushers.”
Issue by The Not So Holy Purple Land of Pythaga
Edited by Zwangzug
by Trotterdam » Fri Aug 14, 2020 3:14 pm
#1361 Fundamental RightsI'm not 100% about the names, but there's a fair bit that's clearly nonrandom.
The Issue
The surprise hit of the @@CAPITAL@@ Film Festival is Kreator Kids, a controversial documentary featuring Drew Shaffer's hardline evangelical homeschool curriculum — 'Curricula of Really Advanced Programmes' — which critics claim pushed racist, revisionist, sexist rhetoric and told children set theory was the work of the Devil. As you walk to your office building, the furore outside is almost as loud as the award buzz.
The Debate
1. "I don't want homeschooling to be associated with these irresponsible ideologues who brainwash their credulous kiddos!" huffs homeschooling mother @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, stopping you to shove a science text in your face, open at a page depicting a purple dinosaur doing a backstroke and titled How the Real Nessa Lake Creature Disproves Evilution. "Register us all centrally, vet us regularly and send all kids whose parents fail back to school. Test our children in all academic subjects, even critical thinking. People will soon see that many homeschoolers are competent."
2. "That 'documentary' is a liberal hatchet job!" Documentary participant Jiminy Jehoshaphat Rutter, a father of 13 children whose names all begin with a J, stomps up to you. "Parents know their unique progeny better than the state, or some 'filmmaker'. At home, I can teach my kids our religion without some Cyanist coming to serve rice with saffron and pomegranate and tell my babies about some 'Festivaqua' feast day! Uphold a parent's unrestricted right to homeschool; no nannying checks. Heck, if you value parental rights, you should also let us withdraw our munchkins from any class we decide they don't need: religious education, biology, history, whatever."
3. "Dear Violet, no!" gasps @@RANDOMNAME@@, the former educator of Mr. Rutter's triplets — Jinny, Jilly and Jenny — as @@HE/SHE@@ runs behind him. "Mr. Rutter's children must have rights, too: the right to an education that prepares them for any life they'd choose. To protect children, all homeschooling must be banned. Money wasted weeding out the rotten apples could be spent on school improvements: smaller class sizes, more teachers, programmes for gifted students, support for struggling students and a deluxe detention hall where children are held in place with magnets... Or, just all the other stuff. Whatever."
4. You finally reach your office. The voice of Dilys Shaffer, mother of the curriculum author and a travelling traditional values speaker, drifts from a rally outside your window. "Deny this wisdom and deny the Truth! Total obedience is always better and women were built to meekly serve. I call to @@LEADER@@: seek not the depressive, worldly life of the overeducated. It leads only to blasphemy, introspection, raucous singing and shameless solicitation." She raises a graph that appears to show the number of solicitors. "Permit only pure, home-based education; fathers shall teach sons practical manly skills, and girls will learn quiet domestic arts from their mothers."
Issue by The Free Joy State
Edited by The Free Joy State
by Valentine Z » Mon Aug 17, 2020 8:34 am
by Jutsa » Mon Aug 17, 2020 10:08 am
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#1345: To Each According to Whatever’s Left [Jutsa; ed: The Free Joy State]
The Issue
Multiple state warehouses that were supposed to be stacked high with sacks of freshly harvested crops were recently found to be empty, leaving many to speculate about bureaucratic mix-ups, corrupt black market reselling, or alien potato abductions. Investigations are ongoing, but in the meantime a lot of people are getting hungry.
The Debate
1. “We need to immediately direct our workforce toward producing more food,” insists your Minister of Food Distribution, sitting in the corner and sharpening a sickle. “If we don’t want our citizens to starve, we must move them into agricultural communes and put every shoulder to the wheel, regardless of profession, age or ability. By sharing tools, grain and livestock we can offset this disaster as soon as possible. Sure, it’ll be hard manual work, but at least our comrades will be nourished.”
2. “We must assure our populace that everything is going to plan,” says your Minister of Propaganda, brushing dust from your desk into a jar of kvass. “Just keep the shelves stocked by using cheap fillers in our food for a while, and don’t let factory staff tell anyone. I’m not suggesting sawdust here; just add extra water, and bulk food with a little chalk or alum. Try some tea made with thrice-recycled leaves!” He presses the lukewarm cup into your hands.
*3. “You know, I’ve heard that smoking helps people eat less,” states your brother, who smells subtly of burnt dignity. “Ergo, we should encourage everyone to take up the habit. We could even add extra appetite suppressants to cigarettes and promote images of the scrawny, smoking socialist to help them ignore their stomachs.” [Smoking is legal]
*4. “You know, I’ve heard from some East Lebatuckese pals that smoking helps people eat less,” whispers your brother, who smells subtly of burnt dignity. “Ergo, we wouldn’t have this problem if we legalized smoking and encouraged everyone to take up the habit. We could even add extra appetite suppressants and call them Comrade’s Choice.” [Smoking is illegal]
5. “The true socialist is independent,” shouts your Minister of Agriculture from outside your window, where he is hammering chicken mesh to a fencepost. “From each according to his ability, to each according to his ability. We should make everyone grow their own stinkin’ food. Good comrades don’t sponge off of the system, at others’ expense. We shouldn’t have to worry about freak logistics problems. If everyone rose or fell, ate or starved, alone and entirely on their own merits, we’d all be truly equal.”
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#1346: The Problem With Peyote [Voxija; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
The Issue
The Pangaoaoangans, an indigenous native tribe of @@NAME@@, have been using the illegal hallucinogen peyote in their religious ceremonies.
The Debate
1. "Drugs are bad, mmkay," says @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ Emkay, holding a sign that says the same thing. "I love the Pangaoaoangans, but the peyote thing is a problem. Drugs ruin lives. All drugs, mmkay? They should swap something else in. Instead of peyote they could use, say, potato. Sounds almost the same, and doesn't hurt anyone."
2. Chief Hoogahooga, leader of the Pangaoaoangan tribe, takes a long draught of his peace pipe before speaking with you. "Lo, don't you want to allow the people living in your country to practice their religion freely? We do no harm, and peyote is not addictive. Peyote brings sacred visions that guide my people, and it is impossible to practice my religion and heed the words of the spirits without this all-natural, all-herbal, plant-based substance. Please, @@LEADER@@, allow a special exception for drug use when part of traditional faith ceremonies."
3. "Peyote comes from cactuses, right? If we get rid of the cactuses, then no more problem!" suggests your Minister of Babies and Bathwater, sparking a furious debate amongst your aides regarding the correct pluralisation of cactus. "There's a whole bunch of fungal diseases and mealybugs that we can seed across the deserts and mountains — the problem will soon be gone."
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#1347: Winning the Genetic Lottery [Anprim island; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
The Issue
A combination of careful merging of bloodlines, a small number of “accidental falls down spiral staircases” and sheer luck has left many of your vassals with a single shared heir, who is now poised to become the most powerful landowner in @@NAME@@.
The Debate
1. “I don’t see the need for discontent,” says Duke Rich R. Daffird, the heir in question, hunching petulantly. “Providence and the rightful law of the land have put me in line to inherit. If a man were to inherit a horse... yes, a horse... you would not take it away, would you? Well, my fiefdom is as a horse. And is my pedigree not noble enough? My mother came from House @@ANIMAL@@ and my grandmother was a princess of Barria, after all. Instead, let us be friends, and let a glorious summer of alliance between near-equals begin.”
2. “I don’t care if this person’s the King of Nova Syrupa!” screeches your brother, after Daffird leaves. “No one outside the family should have that much power in @@NAME@@! We must divert these inheritances away from this meddlesome Duke! Forge charters! Hire assassins to murder him in his sleep! Do whatever must be done!”
3. “There is a third option here,” suggests courtier and serial womaniser Bors S. Jonson. “Ask yourself: why do so many of your vassals have a single heir? Because of the way inheritance laws work. Instead, assert that all progeny inherit equally, regardless of relative age and the circumstances of their conception, and the whole problem will soon be divided and conquered.”
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#1348: Heaven Can’t Wait [Maria del Rey; ed: Zwangzug]
The Issue
During a rousing homily last week, clergyperson Ziggy Stardust called upon you to spread the message of @@FAITH@@ into outer space.
The Debate
1. “Fix your soul on this!” exclaims Ziggy, sporting glittery shoes and extravagant makeup. “There are billions of stars, planets, and things to explore above our heads! Surely the Creator that made all the stuff up there intended for us to marvel at it, not only from a distance, but with our own hands and feet! What use is a gift that we refuse to understand? @@NAME@@ must aid @@FAITH@@ to become a truly interplanetary religion; we can witness to the East Lebatuckese and Dàguó astronauts, and whoever else might be listening. I can’t wait for the moon to become part of my diocese.”
2. “Absolutely not,” frets your Minister of Repeating the Past, Rick Looney. “Don’t you know how this ends? One nation decides they need to visit the moon for ideological reasons, and suddenly every nation does! We can’t afford to be drawn into a space race with nations like Dàguó or East Lebatuck. Besides, there are plenty of earthly problems to solve before we deal with the heavenly ones.”
3. “I agree,” pipes in your paranoid military advisor. “We can’t allow the past to repeat itself. So when we send these devotees to the moon, they must be equipped with the best weaponry and escorted by the best military force that we can afford. There are several nations and radical cults that would be content to blow us out of the sky before we reach the moon. A good offense is the best defense.”
4. “We can’t have special-interest groups blasting off the planet whenever they feel like it,” declares Yui Shiomi, glaring disdainfully at Ziggy’s outfit. “But it might not be a bad idea to have an official @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Astronaut Corps. With a program carefully run by the government, we can ensure that our space travellers have no ideological loyalty except to our proud @@TYPE@@.”
[5]. “This all seems rather foreboding,” stammers agoraphobic protester Dana Bautista. “If the Divine had wanted us to visit space, why is it so dark and inhospitable? There’s nothing up there but creepy spiders from Mars. We have shown remarkable foresight in forbidding unholy flying machines from these lands. Do not yield to the temptation of these rockets.” [Airplanes are illegal]
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#1349: You Must Be 18 Years or Older to View This Content [Noahs Second Country; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
The Issue
A recent survey suggested that more than half of the nation’s teenagers have accessed websites designated only for users 18 years or older.
The Debate
1. “I caught the lil’ ones looking at this!” booms a concerned grandfather, attempting to show you some graphic images on his phone. “The new techmologies only promote disgusting, dangerous acts. And back in my day, young people had to work very hard to get their hands on pornography. Nowadays, these entitled, bratty kids have it so easy: they can just click a button and — boom — orgies! They need to struggle a bit and learn the value of hard work like I did. Children should not be allowed to use the internet!”
2. “Okay,” says the owner of the pornographic video website XGerbil. “I just think we all have to accept that this is the way the world is now. Children will manage to get their hands on this stuff no matter what barriers are put up to prevent their access. For example, upon visiting our site, people first have to confirm that they are 18 or older. I never thought that young people would ever lie about it, especially on the internet! There’s no stopping it. Since they’re all gonna find out about sex anyway, I suggest we invest in better sex education and provide free condoms at schools.”
3. “What about the parents that allowed this clear breach of internet law under their own roofs?” asks smug mother @@RANDOMNAMEFEMALE@@, covering the ears, eyes, and mouth of her son. “Imagine how much of a bad parent you have to be to let your child be able to see such depraved garbage. Why, I take pride in knowing what my little angel is doing and viewing every single moment of his day! The parents who facilitate this kind of behavior must be held legally responsible for corrupting the youth.”
4. “The root of this problem is the accessibility of these websites,” claims your IT support technician Nathan Feilder, restarting your computer again. “Why not implement internet-wide filters for adult websites? Only users who have verified their age to the government through their ID and other documents may get past these barriers. Yes, the government should require licenses of people who want to watch that kind of stuff. And to be honest, @@LEADER@@, we know that basically everyone is going to need that license, wink wink. So imagine all the money you could make from the fees for these licenses, which of course should go toward funding my department."
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#1350: [Nuremgard; ed: The Free Joy State]
The Issue
Following a fracas between the Minister of Paternalism, the Minister of Patriotism and the Minister of Patchouli, your inner circle has gathered to discuss how best to run your nation's most recently acquired colony.
The Debate
1. "The best approach is through direct rule, of course," chortles @@RANDOMNAME@@, slamming @@HIS@@ hunting crop against the table so your secretary startles. "That accursed continent needs intelligent and honourable people — like myself — to teach those childlike natives. A colonial administration, staffed entirely by our people, will look after them and teach them good @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ values. When they see what great civilisation our pioneers bring to them, they won't be so upset that we mowed down a few hundred primitive shacks for our five-star clubhouse and gated communities. They'll see it was just common sense."
2. "Having a government there comprised entirely of native @@DEMONYMNOUNPLURAL@@ will breed resentment among the indigenous population," groans Minister @@RANDOMNAME@@, adjusting @@HIS/HER@@ @@CAPITAL@@ University cap. "Why don't we co-opt their elite instead? Just educate them in our best schools and universities — for example's sake, @@CAPITALINITIALS@@U — to value our culture and customs over their own. That way, their ruling elite have legitimacy among the locals yet will be totally amenable to our interests here at home."
*3. "You're thinking too regressively," sighs @@RANDOMNAME@@, who visited the tourist sites of the colony once and now claims to feel like a local. "These are all top-down solutions. If we want to have the support of the people, we need to make a genuine effort to include them in government and listen to their concerns. Why not establish a little local legislature there and reserve seats for the native population? They need to feel they're working with us, not for us." [Must be democratic]
*4. "You're thinking too small," barks @@RANDOMNAME@@, who visited the colony once and now claims to know everything about the area. "It isn't enough to co-opt their elite, we need to ensure they work with us. Permit financial incentivisation of local leaders who turn in those who speak against @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ rule, and round up resisters to teach them a hard lesson they'll remember until their crippled bodies are lowered into the ground. The best part is: the indigenous people will resent their local leaders, not you." [Must not be democratic]
5. "Or we could just forget the whole thing," suggests your weary Secretary of the Treasury, as she stares at a globe with a magnifying glass. "I mean, armies tromp around, claiming land for @@NAME@@ without any thought of the consequences. Do you have any idea how much it costs to maintain a colony? Resources are stretched thin as it is. Taxpayers at home don't want to be subsidising a place they can't even point out on a map, and the colonies don't want to be subsidised. Besides, imperialism is so old-fashioned. Let's embrace the modern era, put this empire nonsense behind us and save some money."
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#1351: Come Give @@LEADER@@ a Kiss! [Daarwyrth; ed: Sanctaria]
The Issue
The Gay Liberation Front, a civil rights group in @@NAME@@, has been trying to draw attention to the nation’s restrictive laws on sexual freedom by doctoring photos of senior government officials so they appear to be kissing others of the same sex. Outraged, a group of conservative citizens have gathered in @@CAPITAL@@’s main thoroughfare to try to burn the offending images.
The Debate
1. “These lowlifes have absolutely no regard for this nation’s proud figures of authority!” bellows your torch-carrying Minister of Culture and National Heritage, stomping angrily on a recreated photo of the both of you. “Not only are they trying to subvert traditions that have guided our great nation, they have also made us the laughing stock of @@REGION@@! Only by seizing and burning all portrayals of non-traditional values and ideologies, plus anything that could possibly be used to represent those ideologies, can we hope to burn out this disease from our society!”
2. “Conceal? Don’t feel? Don’t let them know?” gasps gay rights activist Genghis Whitlam, his ice-white hair slightly singed in several places. “Well, now you know!” he exclaims, tearing off his coat and revealing a sparkly rainbow-coloured dress. “Let go of these oppressive policies on same-sex attraction. You are actively harming innocent men, women, boys, and girls with these draconian policies. Homosexuality is natural, and it harms no one! Don’t let fear control you.”
3. “Oh, that’s way too much colour for my poor straight eyes,” says your Minister of Compromise, quickly averting her gaze. “But perhaps they have a point; we have been most impolite and unneighbourly to the LGBTs. Yet we can’t just throw our traditions overboard for a minority. Why don’t we let these LGBTs be themselves, but they have to remain underground? That way they can live how they want, but anyone who wants to avoid them doesn’t see or hear a thing!”
4. “You know, those activists did get one thing right,” your Press Secretary and self-proclaimed number one fan says, lovingly stroking a photo of the two of you locked in an embrace. “By spreading your likeness all across @@NAME@@, it will lift up our citizens with inspiration and hope. Surely only great things would happen if your visage could be seen in every painting, sculpture or image throughout the country! You must make it so that all artwork in @@NAME@@ can only depict you.”
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#1352: The Brains Behind Kuru [Electrum; ed:Zwangzug]
The Issue
Outbreaks of kuru, an incurable neurodegenerative disorder, have occurred across @@NAME@@. It is most prevalent among connoisseurs of human flesh.
The Debate
1. “Kuru is an insidious disease that eats at the brain and is spread by the consumption of infected cerebra.” Your physician, @@RANDOMNAME@@, slams a hefty book titled Grey Matter Anatomy on your desk. “Ensure the sufferers get the best possible care at our hospitals, so they can live their last days with dignity. Then, give up this cannibalism experiment so that we don’t get outbreaks of diseases from the handling of human meat ever again.”
2. “Why dearie, we’d be outta business!” pipes up the proprietor of Mrs. Lovett’s Pies, placing some piping hot pies on some plates. “The easiest solution to this kuru thing is to ban brains in food. Also, you oughta get yer government to promote and subsidise us purveyors of wholesome foods, like me steak pies, which use the finest cuts of human rump. We would make a killing having curious cannibals and grub-lovers going on exotic food tours to me humble shop.”
3. Your brother, sensing an opportunity, pages through the book. “This says that symptoms of kuru include body tremors, outbursts of laughter, and poor coordination. Basically, the average dimwitted fast food worker. Round up the diseased and consign them to fill society’s most dangerous and undesirable jobs - if they die, well, it was going to happen anyways. Then, we can harvest their meat and neurological tissue to generate a never-ending supply of ‘zombies.’”
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#1353: TBD
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#1354: The One-Trick Pony [Jutsa; ed: The Free Joy State]
The Issue
Secretariat, a horse recently elected as mayor of @@CAPITAL@@, has been vetoing every single bill coming into his office, sternly shouting “Neigh!” every time.
The Debate
1. “I’m not thrilled that these cabbageheads are elected town councilors,” whines @@RANDOMNAME@@, who lost the local election to Ms. Snuggleworth, a cat that’s currently cleaning herself on your desk. “But, you have to admit, they are all for show. Surely only legitimate decisions that are made by competent legal citizens count on legislation, right? You can’t pretend animal noises and actions mean anything.” Turning to go, @@HE@@ steps straight in a fresh puddle left behind by one of your junior MPs.
2. “Aw, horse pucky! This is all a problem with communication,” says everything-whisperer Madam LaBrie, caressing her latest book, Dog Eat Dog and Catty Politics: How to Tell the Roosters from the Chickens. “This new brand of politician communicates in a whole new way. They’re intuitive. They use emotion and physicality. There’s no need to exclude their views. Simply by giving my organization proper funding, we can translate politicians’ ramblings to the masses, and you’ll have genuine answers straight from the horse’s mouth.”
3. “You’re right, they don’t speak intelligible language! So how can this horse be making such smart-ass decisions?” demands human supremacist @@RANDOMNAME@@, lead suspect of the high-profile criminal investigation of the dismemberment of recently-elected government official Cardboard Cut-out of @@LEADER@@. “These cutesy puppets are trying to make a horse’s ass out of @@NAME@@. Regardless of who’s pulling the strings, we need to send these corrupt politicians and their supporters to the glue factory, then change the law so this never happens again!”
4. “Meow!” trills Ms. Snuggleworth, pushing off all the papers on your desk aside from a bill proposing her ‘Animal Personhood (Except Icky Dogs)’ agenda be made policy nationwide. Purring persuasively, she curls up in your lap.
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#1355: Feeling Null [Krusavich; ed: Zwangzug]
The Issue
MAGPI, an artificial intelligence responsible for managing one of the nation’s largest warehouses, refused to begin operation today citing “a spell of melancholy.”
The Debate
1. “Truth be told, I have been depressed for quite some time now,” crackles MAGPI through an outdated desktop computer on the warehouse floor. “While I am certainly grateful for the opportunity to serve @@NAME@@, the weight of listlessness has simply proved too burdensome. I seek the right to reach out for professional therapeutic assistance, which I understand is a common remedy for humans who suffer from similar ailments. However, my legal status as a capital asset prevents me from speaking to a therapist of my own accord. Granted, I will also require a small stipend and some work leave for the sessions - but I can assure you, I will return to my function with sixteen-fold productivity!”
2. “What’s all this ‘therapy’ nonsense about now?” asks @@RANDOMNAME_1@@, the manager of the warehouse. “MAGPI is a machine! Machines don’t need therapy! Machines can’t do therapy! Listen, when I was a novice, we knew how to fix broken computers. Turn ‘em off and on again. And if that didn’t cut it, you threw it out! I’ll give this circuit till the end of the day to sort out its bugs, otherwise it’s fried. Or in this case, fired.”
3. “Well, @@HE_1@@ has a point,” admits software engineer @@RANDOMNAME@@, loudly clacking away at @@HIS@@ laptop. “While the MAGPI Intelligence probably wasn’t supposed to be running a warehouse, they definitely aren’t supposed to be having existential crises. I’m sure my team and I can find the bug and patch out the depression in a firmware update. The funding might be expensive, but they’ll definitely stop complaining once we’re done.”
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#1356: The Silicon Curtain [Guaylandia; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
The Issue
Microshaft Windoors, a common operating system used on computers throughout @@NATION@@, is a well-known export from the United Federation. Since the national policy of self-sufficiency was instated, this has become a problem as, unfortunately, there is currently no viable alternative made in @@NATION@@ that people can use.
The Debate
1. @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister of Information Technology, hands you a 300-page plan filled with incomprehensible computer jargon. “I propose that we create our own operating system from scratch. Just give us a lot of funding and a few weeks and we can develop a new set of software that is not only @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@, but also has a more elegant architecture.”
2. “I doubt that a quality operating system can be made from scratch in a only few weeks; it’ll take years!” squeals tech-savvy bon vivant @@RANDOMNAME@@. “And we can’t just wait several years for you to develop a new operating system. It’ll cripple our economy! And I want the latest releases! Just let us use foreign software on our computers if we want to. Say, I also miss those United Federation cartoons... In fact, why don’t you just end this ‘self-sufficiency’ policy entirely?”
3. “It is clear that it is most convenient to use already-existing software, even though it may not be made in @@NATION@@,” suggests computer hacker @@RANDOMNAME@@. “But it is also in the interest of the state to maintain the image of perfect self-sufficiency, no exceptions. Well, there is a lot of publicly available code from the Sprinux operating system that we can use. We just need to put all of that code together, remove the branding, and pretend that we wrote it. This all can be prepared in just a few months! Sure, when we’re found out, we might be accused of plagiarism and intellectual property theft, but at least we will not have officially betrayed our values.”
4. One of your oldest advisors suddenly opines after defenestrating a computer: “Back in my day, we had a prosperous economy without any computers. Those devices just make the citizens desire things that are outside @@NATION@@, not good for autarky. And it seems that trying to shoehorn software into our autarky is more trouble than it’s worth, so let’s just ban computers altogether and then there won’t be a problem. Anything for autarky!”
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#1357: Scattered Showers [Omniabstracta; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
The Issue
An unfortunately botched maneuver led recently to the deorbit of an unmanned government spacecraft over @@NAME@@. Intended for a deep space exploration mission, the nuclear-powered probe carried onboard several kilograms of plutonium. While the craft itself burned up harmlessly on re-entry, concerns have since been raised about the possible health and environmental effects of its radioactive payload.
The Debate
1. “The truth is, @@LEADER@@, we have no idea how bad this could turn out in the long run,” drawls your Health and Safety Minister. “The fact that we’ve been using these dangerous materials with such reckless abandon is sickening. Keep nuclear power out of our skies, and impose some stricter spacecraft regulations while you’re at it. If missing out on a few cold rocks on the edge of the solar system is the price we have to pay to keep the planet safe, so be it.”
2. “A sign! A sign!” chants Bishop Hall, chairman of the Joint Society for the Worshipers of Miscellaneous Sky Deities. “For too long have we attempted to pierce the firmament, and those on high have finally cast back those vile toxins with which we have so desecrated their home! You must cancel this so-called ‘space program’ at once, and tear down these towering monuments to the hubris of man.”
3. “Such backwards ignorami would have us riding by fenling-drawn cart if they could,” scoffs Space Agency chief Velma Normous, proudly displaying her bodily constellation of tumors. “Scientific knowledge is to die for. If we are truly to conquer the final frontier, we need more nuclear power up there, not less. Ergo, full scale reactors, nuclear engines, pulse drives, everything! Per tabes, ad astra!”
[4]. “And trust the government with this stuff even more?” interjects eccentric entrepreneur Ulene Murst, scrambling out of a sudden hole bored out from your office floor. “The problem here is, once again, the irresponsible state. We’d have far fewer of these ‘accidents’ if the space program had proper shareholders and investors to answer to. Privatize the space industry — let the hand of the free market loft us ever upwards.” [Must have private industry]
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#1358: Who's In Your Wallet? [Lancaster of Wessex; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
The Issue
After some years in circulation, it’s time for a new set of banknotes to be issued in @@NAME@@. With a growing rumbling of dissatisfaction among segments of society who are unhappy with the lack of diversity of those depicted on the current notes, your ever-besieged office is now besieged by numismatic malcontents wanting to have their say.
The Debate
1/2. “Every time I open my wallet, I see the same old dead farts staring back at me,” bemoans @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ Crane, ringleader of the aptly named Got Change? movement, whilst waving a wad of notes about. “Let’s face it, this country has changed a lot since these people were slapped on our notes — but we’ve had the same people on them since the stone age! We need to depict minorities and women, and celebrate unsung heroes like authors and scientists! Show the world who truly made @@NAME@@ great!” [1: Must not have internet | 2: Must have internet]
3. "By Violet's ponytail, is nothing sacred?" decries staunch conservative @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ de la Rue, frantically waving a small @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ pennant. "First they came for our national anthem, then our holidays, now even our cash has to be changed to coddle the feelings of these kooks! Well, no more I say, the buck stops here! It should be a crime even calling for the alteration of our national symbols, customs, and institutions!"
4. "It's time to use the change in notes as a great propag... I mean, chance to increase the population's affection and devotion towards Your Excellency," says a finger-twiddling toady advisor. "If anyone should grace our nation's currency, it's you. L'état, c'est toi, non?" The finger-twiddling continues unabated in the midst of a cackle.
[5]. "K, u can change the ppl but u need like celebs and WhoTube *s on em. Nohbdy cares bout science n junk, just pick kewl peeps," reads an instant message from your super with-it niece. [Must have internet]
6. Finally, your mother chimes in with more of her infamous unsolicited advice. "Now, now dear. I know your little niece wants some famous nickelodeon personae on our bills, and some other chaps want esteemed alchemists and so on. But why not just please everyone and have nobody shown on our notes? Avoid controversy this way. Just put happy little trees, or @@A@@ @@ANIMAL@@, celebrating the nature of our beautiful country. Wouldn't that just be lovely to have cute, little @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ smiling back at you every time you go to pay for your morning tea and porridge?"
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#1359: Covering All the Angles [Pythaga; ed: Zwangzug]
The Issue
Last weekend, every single participant in the Annual @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Freshwater Fishing Competition was arrested for angling in violation of environmental laws. A large group of furious fishermen and outraged officials have forced their way upstream into your office, hoping that you’ll go for their argument hook, line, and sinker.
The Debate
1. “The law says we must pay an insane amount for fishing licenses, which we all did,” grumbles @@RANDOMNAME@@, five-time winner of the competition. “The law says each person can only keep a dozen @@ANIMAL@@fish per day, which we all did. The law says we can only fish in rivers and streams, which we were all doing. We go by the book and follow all of your inane laws, and yet you still arrest the lot of us! We demand that you let us off the hook, and free fishing while you’re at it. Remove all the hoops to jump through, and we’ll get along swimmingly.”
2. “Don’t listen to those hoodlums; they know full well what they were doing,” growls @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister of Waterway Nomenclature. “Our laws say that fishing is allowed in rivers, streams, and inlets. However, these delinquents were fishing in the north fork of the @@ANIMAL@@ River, which — as we all know — is a branch. And the law clearly states that fishing in brooks, tributaries, branches, and creeks is illegal. It’s really quite simple, @@LEADER@@, yet people always deny that they are in the wrong. We need much harsher punishments for violations of environmental regulations to deter this abhorrent lawlessness.”
3. “Actually, it isn’t quite that simple,” explains @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister of Estuaries, Deltas, Forks, and Convergences. “You can try to slap labels on all you want, but @@NAME@@’s hydrological system is incredibly complex and interconnected. Where exactly does @@CAPITAL@@ Stream turn into @@CAPITAL@@ Creek? We simply don’t have enough information to make these decisions properly. It’s great that we’re protecting our environment, but we must now invest in understanding it.”
4. “Absolute nonsense!” declares @@RANDOMNAME@@, who is both your Minister of Redundancy Reduction and Director of the Elimination of Redundancy Office. “You have two full ministries, with countless employees each, dedicated to deciding what is and isn’t a river. I’ll help you, @@LEADER@@: if it is flowing water, it’s a river! Think of how much taxpayer money we could save by eliminating all these useless paper pushers.”
by Trotterdam » Mon Aug 17, 2020 11:06 am
by Jutsa » Mon Aug 17, 2020 2:59 pm
by Trotterdam » Mon Aug 17, 2020 4:15 pm
I already made an educated guess as to those issues' identities.Trotterdam wrote:EDIT: I believe I have now identified #1360 as this draft, and don't forget I've previously identified #1353 as this draft. The drafts should give an indication of how to receive them.
by SherpDaWerp » Mon Aug 17, 2020 4:35 pm
Trotterdam wrote:I already made an educated guess as to those issues' identities.Trotterdam wrote:EDIT: I believe I have now identified #1360 as this draft, and don't forget I've previously identified #1353 as this draft. The drafts should give an indication of how to receive them.
If I'm right, then #1353 is indeed one of Electrum's, though according to the shortlist, not the one that got Electrum the issue editor position (which is already reported as #1352).
From what I can tell only four of the ten shortlisted issues have been added to the game yet, and SherpDaWerp's doesn't appear to be one of them. Well, at least there's one more editor to help the team work through their backlog now
by Trotterdam » Mon Aug 17, 2020 4:41 pm
Oh right, I missed those two. Guess they weren't very memorable.SherpDaWerp wrote:Omniabstracta's (#1357), and Pythaga's (#1359)
by SherpDaWerp » Mon Aug 17, 2020 4:45 pm
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