The Infinites: And Beyond! (Comedy, Supers, Space, OPEN) -IC

by **Yatzatz** » Sun Jul 30, 2017 9:34 pm

"OK," said Furman. "We've got to get a furm grasp on this situation." He walked up to where the can was still dangling down, and shouted into it "HELLO, MR. GIANT RICKSHAW SPACE CAN GUY. WE COULDN'T HAVE POSSIBLY SIGNED UP FOR THIS AS WE DON'T HAVE INTERSTELLAR TRAVEL YET. WHO SIGNED US UP FOR THIS? LIKE, WHOS SIGNATURE WAS ON THE SIGN-UP SHEET? CAN YOU TELL US?"

by **Talchyon** » Mon Jul 31, 2017 3:35 pm

The scene outside the abandoned warehouse, by the park, with the weird alien can thingie in the sky, connected to the even weirder huge alien rickshaw ship.
Captain Calculator

The middle-aged, super dad in his pocket-protected super suit heard all the remarks by his team about wanting to be or not to be Earth's champions in this upcoming alien deathtrap. There wasn't an agreement among the Minnesota Infinites. Leadership was needed.

Some - like Mikhael the Tinkerer, Terry the Quizling, and Cinderella wanted them to go and represent Earth. Though, it should be said, Terry and Cinderella thought this would help before they heard about that last part with the Earth being enslaved for a thousand years if they lost.

But then, there were others - primarily the Teetotaler with a worried Goldilocks - who didn't think the idea was that great. And who could blame them? If they lost (which, truth be told, there had only been like four times they had fought anybody, and only one of those had they decisively won. The rest of the times, someone else more powerful had intervened and spared them) - ahem, if they lost, which was very likely, the entire planet would be enslaved for a thousand years to some kinds of aliens.

There were at least two others, not counting him, who wondered how it was possible that they had been signed up, and where, and what these battles were going to be like. Furman and Goldilocks were thinking like him. Lots of questions, no real answers, some fear and a little breakfast indigestion.

And then there were some others who didn't seem to notice what the alien rickshaw commander (? - captain? what was the rank or title of this mysterious Spasticus?) - said. Guys like the twins, who now picked this time out of all other times to start deciding on super names for themselves. (Which, frankly, didn't quite fit or roll off the tongue). Or like Glitch, who was just standing there with the same dazed and confused expression he normally has.

With the disagreement in his group, Captain Calculator rose to the occasion as a leader should so that his team would be united. "Fellow Infinites!" (At which point, Doc Bur-Ock nudged Mr. Pig and said, "Get a load of these guys! Captain Calculator is going to make a speech!") Ahem. Getting back to Calculator's inspired, team-building leadership speech. "Fellow Infinites. Hey! Glitch, I'm talking to you! Ok guys. So, we're not united together as a team right now, are we? We need to be as one, because we are one, the greatest team of superheroes Orient, Minnesota has ever known! So, how can we solve this argument as to whether or not we should represent Earth in some alien battle arena? I say we do it the way we solve all our arguments! Rock Paper Scissors contest! Best two out of three. One of you guys go up against someone else, and then whoever wins that, gets to say what we all do and the rest will follow him. At least that way we'll be united again! Who's with me?"

Meanwhile, Calculator's phone was filling up with several more text messages, from more powerful Infinites across the country, all clamoring to be the chosen heroes.

Glitch

Dude. To all practical purposes, and even some not-so-practical ones, I was standing there and soaking it all in. I was completely not like going all inactive and mentally somewhere else. Yuh know? So like, anyone who might look at me and think I wasn't aware of like all things, wouldn't have the newsflash straight and like. Yuh know. Like Corporal Cosine-in-ator-guy, who thought I wasn't even paying attention. But dude! I was completely like on the same page as he was! So, we got this gnarly alien dealie with his can-thingie, and like, these are the technical terms for all things alien? And they were wanting someone - anyone - to like volunteer to fight for the planet or like we'd be slaves. I've never been a slave, but somehow I think if I was made to be some alien's slave, they would get so awed at my amazing abilities, and completely stupefied that what we were slaving over and everything was like all going on the fritz, that they would eventually figure it out and let us all go. Dude. It could happen. I know aliens.

So, like, besides that one time when I took down that alien warship that beamed me up and tried to do experiments on me, before I made parts of their ship like not function and all? Like, before I got joined up with the Infinites and they put me here in the Minnesota groupie? Dude. Even before that, I had contact with aliens. It all goes back to a time when I was younger, which, now that I think about, was like any time that's happened before now, but I'm not like talking last night or a few secs ago, yuh know? Back then, back in the day, back when I wasn't so wise in the ways of combat and like mental brain scholastics and all? Dude. Like, my friend Hunter and I were out going camping. And it was quite the ordeal, because every time we tried to get our tent set up, the tent peg like refused to like work as a tent peg an all. It was still in the ground, and like the peg just gave up the hook-y thingy latch that kept the tent from falling over. And Hunter was like, "Dude, I'm going to hammer another peg." But I was like, "Dude. That won't work an' all." 'Cause I knew that I had these amazing abilities to make all things like randomly suck, and I could tell that I was getting to the peg. But he wouldn't listen. So like, he hammered another one. And then one of the previous tent pegs refused to work. So the tent collapsed. Again. For the 43rd time. So he tried again, hammering in that spot. And again, a different tent peg decided it was not going to play this game the way normal tent pegs do, so it like gave up holding on to the tent an' all, too. Dude.

I could tell we were getting nowhere, so I said to Hunter, "Dude, let's just sleep under the stars." Because like, the stars are shiny and if you look closely at them, you'll see, like, stars, only close up. So finally Hunter agreed. So we stretched out, and were just camped out under the stars out in the boonies, with the crickets. And then. Dude. I am telling you the truth. There were like some aliens that landed about 20 yards over. And I was like, "Whoa." And Hunter was like, "Whoa." And so we just, like, watched to see what would happen. And this schnazzy kind of electricity that was like a door opened, and this little greeney-bluey little guy with the kinds of dark hollow eyes you see on really bad alien movies and like some questionable documentaries, popped out. And he had a gun, and like, it was really kind of sweet. And I was like, "Dude! It's a Martian!" And Hunter said, "Whoa. What do we do?" And I didn't know. But the little greeney-bluey alien guy saw us, and pointed his gun at us and approached. Dude. Being so young and impressionable, I didn't know what I should do. Not like now. Now, I'd play it cool. But this was the first time I had ever seen a Martian, man. Hunter went up to him and played it cool, and said, "Dude, if you're looking for directions to Alpha Centauri, then you need to go that way." And when he pointed, the alien looked, and then slowly nodded, and got back on his ship, and flew off. And Hunter was like, "That's how you talk to a Martian!" And I said, "Dude."

But I digress. All that this means, is that I think I'm like the resident expert in the Minnesota Infinites on all things alien, since I've had like 2 encounters with creatures from another world, and I took down an alien warship without even having to use my bare hands, and like, dude. I lived to tell the tale. I'll have to tell Corporal Cosine-in-ator-guy about all this and just remind him. But I'll wait until after his Rock Paper Scissors contest is done.

by **Zanera** » Mon Jul 31, 2017 4:10 pm

Pill-OW!
Near the Chinese Chicago

It was now that Pill-OW! would admit one of the most embarrassing things to his teammates...
"Guys, I always lose at rock-paper-scissors. There was even a bully I had in elementary school that made me do rock-paper-scissors contests for my lunch every day, and I always lost. My mom said it was my fault for being unlucky, but I think they were cheating...Anyway, I'm out of the rock-paper-scissors contest."

by **The Irish County of the Beare-Mor** » Thu Aug 03, 2017 5:49 am

Mikael stepped forward.
"I shall participate in this tournament, although as Mr. Alien guy said,we cannot back out of the tournament, so why don't we all just be champions? Not only will it take us to space, I guess, considering the battles are intergalactic, and there is a rickshaw from space there, but we'll get to meet new people, make some friend, shoot kittens at some people. You know, the usual infinites stuff."

by **The Last Abode of Pando** » Thu Aug 03, 2017 8:04 am

Florida Man
Joshua James
Dying
"How about we let the large Infinites teams do this going to space thing, eh? They have actual superpowers. But yeah. You go ahead and go to space, dooming our planet, eh?"

by **Zjaum** » Thu Aug 03, 2017 6:04 pm

"Yo momma's so fat, she doesn't need the Internet, cuz she's already worldwide! HA! I INSULTED YOUR MOM!"

Henry "Blimp Man" Hinshaw

"Ha! Joke's on you!" Henry replied. "Margaret Hinshaw died ten years ago!" Coincidentally, Margaret Hinshaw was, in fact, morbidly obese, but that was beside the point.

He had now attracted multiple Infinites in his act of no-goodery. Good; now the REAL battle could begin! Screw the alien nonsense; it was doubtful that they'd return his rightfully-stolen thorium anyway. He let out a maniacal laugh, that was mildly high-pitched. "You'll never see your precious pens again, Infinites! Mwahahaha!"

With that, he slowly floated away. Not the best exit, but it would have to do. Now, where should he hide the pens? Also, should he make a treasure map to find them? He imagined himself on his deathbed, handing the map off to the most loyal of his billions of subordinates, talking of untold wealth at the treasure spot. He imagined the multitude of nations embarking on an epic quest, only to have the whole world trolled in one fell swoop. He sighed. Perhaps later.

Aubree "Goldilocks" Lincoln

Couldn't they all see that this would lead to their folly? How were they this stupid?!

At the thought of this, Aubree made a clenched fist at waist height, looking coincidentally like a rock in Rock-Paper-Scissors.

by **Talchyon** » Thu Aug 03, 2017 8:39 pm

The scene outside the old abandoned warehouse, near the park, with the alien rickshaw Detroit-sized ship hovering in the air
The police officer

The old, crusty police officer had noticed Blimp Man take the pens. Just as he had noticed him take off with his shoulders inflating his blimp. But all the officer said was, "Thanks for coming by! We give out those pens to anybody who wants them!" Then, with a glance to the other Infinites to make sure they were not going to start something illegal, and raising a skeptical eyebrow at most of their costumes, he shrugged and went back to being an authority figure.

Captain Calculator

Something wasn't right. No one was breaking out into rock, paper, scissors. Yeah, Pill-OW had been traumatized by that game, so that was understandable. But no one was doing it - other than Goldilocks, who didn't apparently realize you're not supposed to make the sign of rock until the count of 3. They were to show what they had on the count of 3, no more, no less. 3 was the number they should count, and that number of the counting should be 3. 4 was not to be counted. Neither was 2, excepting that they proceeded directly onto 3. 5 was right out.

Calculator was about to say something, perhaps even profound, no doubt encouraging the bravery of Mikhael to step up and volunteer to be one of the champions, and the dying Florida Man for his intelligence. But all Captain Calculator got out before being so rudely interrupted by a huge rickshaw spaceship was, "Uh, guys,..."

The Squelch
Spasticus the Snarler

The large, high-tech can-on-an-energy-string sounded out over Orient, Minnesota, and its voice was heard all across the Earth.

"Hey! Hey, you. People of Earth! Didn't you want to pick who your champions were going to be? Come on! I've been waiting, and I'm not hearing nothing from you. Wait. What? What's that you say, Ensign? You're trying to tell me that I only sent out the message delivery system, and that only gives one-way communication? You're saying that I should have gone with the message communication system instead? Oh. Yeah, that would have probably helped. Because with the message delivery system, I can talk to them, but I can't hear anything that they say to me. Right. Um. Ok, Earth, I've got an idea. Allow me to get a little closer so I make sure you hear me, so just give me a bit."

At that, the giant, Detroit-sized rickshaw ship descended, at quite the fast speed, too! Closer, and closer, and still closer, the rickshaw wheel barely missed Blimp Man and came down onto the lecture series at the outdoor park auditorium. Most of the people were able to get out of the way in time. However, the rickshaw wheel landed on the two researchers. And crushed them, their blood oozing out from beneath the huge rickshaw wheel.

Former governor Jesse Ventura said, "You... you monster! Drs. Rose N. Crantz and Gil Denstern are dead!"

And as if on cue, the high-tech can that was the not-so-vaunted message delivery system came to life again with the voice of Spasticus the Snarler.

"No, I thought I said to put the brakes on! You dolt! Oh wait. I didn't say to put the brakes on, and I just merely thought it? Well. Um. You're still a dolt! Don't you know that you are responsible for everything I have ever said, written or thought, in any context? Sheesh. Ok, pull it back up a smidge and then we'll talk to the pathetic humans. Wait. You're telling me that I pressed the switch and they were hearing everything?

"... Uh, technical difficulties, folks. We'll be back and ready in just a bit."

The Detroit sized rickshaw ship took off, this time raising up into the air about 40 feet. And Spasticus the Snarler took over on the mike again.

"Ok. Ok. Ok. Right. So, people of Earth. Since you didn't tell me any champions, I'm just assuming that no one wanted to volunteer. So what I'm going to do is make it completely random. I will just hit my randomizer button here on the ship and pull out several people from Earth. One of you guys has to be a champion, and this way I cover my bases. Ok, and one more thing. The champions will be brought to my ship, the Squelch, and then we'll take off. Promise! There's nothing else really interesting on your planet anyway. Oh, except for maybe those secret Illuminati plans to infiltrate the Girl Scouts. But what am I saying? Champions! I'm here to get champions! Randomizing... NOW!"

A tiki bar, looking strangely rather alien

Captain Calculator rubbed his eyes. What had just happened? One moment he was there trying to get a decisive battle of rock, paper and scissors going. And then, he was out of it, and here. In this badly designed tiki bar that didn't look quite right. What was this? Was this? Oh no! Captain Calculator put his hand on his forehead and closed his eyes. Somehow, he had been chosen to be one of the random people to be Earth's champions!

His sight gradually adjusted to the size of the room. But as he was able to see better, he noticed that he wasn't alone. All the other Minnesota Infinites were there. So were all the villains. And, oh. Jerry also was chosen. That was it. That was how the randomizer picked people out of the entire planet! They all came from Orient, Minnesota! Something told him that the randomizer thingie on Spasticus the Snarler's ship was a hunk of junk, kind of like his message delivery system, and who knows what else.

Captain Calculator saw the other Infinites and villains wake up. "Hey guys. I think we're all going to be the champions for Earth, like it or not. All of us Minnesota Infinites, all the villains, and Jerry."

by **Yatzatz** » Fri Aug 04, 2017 4:40 am

Furman blinked. "Well, apparently all of us are here and no one else. Unless you count that tiki over there. Thank god the tiki bar is closed. Also, are we in the arena, or the rickshaw?"

by **Zjaum** » Fri Aug 04, 2017 8:27 am

Aubree "Goldilocks" Lincoln

Aubree wasn't particularly happy. She never liked the beach. She could never get a proper tan, not only because she was golden-colored already but also because the sun would always reflect off of her, giving the beach goers next to her a lopsided tan. On top of that, the metal in her skin would heat up to uncomfortable levels. Well, by that logic, she didn't like the mountains, because they made her cold. She did like lakes, though, unlike her friend Iron Irene. Fortunately, she could always count on her other best friend Stainless Steel Sally to come along with her on rare trips like that.

On top of that, she was forced into something against her will, and she didn't even know where she was. All her suspicions were confirmed, and so she behaved like all other people throughout history who had their fears confirmed: she went completely paranoid! She grabbed the nearest tiki torch and snapped it in half, waving the pointy end around like a short spear. "Nobody touch me! I'm not going to die here! Are any of you secretly aliens in disguise?"

Henry "Blimp Man" Hinshaw

Well, this wasn't good. First off, Henry detested the beach. He never liked sand. It was coarse, and rough, and it got everywhere. More importantly, though, he was teleported close to the angry Infinites. Clearly this wasn't in the policeman's sphere of influence, and no he had no practical means of escape, well, for his ability. So he behaved like all other people throughout history whose lives and property were in danger: he went completely paranoid! He grabbed the other end of the tiki torch, waving around the broken end. That said, holding a tiki torch upside down was probably not a smart idea. Flaming oil leaked onto the ground, and Henry leapt at the sight, accidentally discarding the canister and bumping into Aubree. Aubree turned around to face him. "Are you an alien?!"

Henry turned around to face Aubrey. "No. Are you going to steal my pens?"

"What?... oh, okay, no."

The two were suspicious of each other's words, since those would, in fact, be the words of someone who was an alien and/or a pen stealer, as applicable. They didn't challenge each other openly, however, and they stood, back to back, ready to take on all of Orient if need be.

by **The Irish County of the Beare-Mor** » Fri Aug 04, 2017 11:32 am

Mikael

He yawned. That's right, he gets instantly teleported to some sort of tiki bar and Mikael yawned. He still had is Kitten Cannon however, but he saw no use for it at that moment. He looked around and saw the other infinites and villains, and that Jerry guy. "Well, might as well make the best of a bad situation." he thought. He raised his cannon up towards the ceiling, and shot a few grosses of white fluffy kittens (except 1 out of every 44 kittens were black, and 1 out of every 17.8 were brown, and 2 out of every 57 were siamese). After he did that, he turned to the infinites, "So, are we still up for that rock paper scissors contest?"

by **Iron Wolf Lithuania** » Fri Aug 04, 2017 9:44 pm

Everything but Rega's head laid beneath the sandy beach which her fellow villains and arch-enemies had been teleported to. Now some of the people that were teleported to this sunny beach were probably wondering why they were here but that was not even a thought in Rega's mind right now. Not because she had an iron resolve and would let anything scare her. No because during the epic showdown with the Infinites several paper airplanes quite easily tore through several very weak and surprisingly sensitive places in Rega's parasitic attire. When ever her outfit took enough damage it would heal itself by draining most of Rega's energy, which caused her to go into a deep slumber with a lot of dreams. One of those dreams was going on right now in matter of fact.

The dream-

In a small auditorium with probably only seven people in it were clapping as Dream-Rega stood up to walk to a near by podium to give some sort of speech. Once she reached the podium she surveyed the small crowd which sat to watch her speech. All of the people that were there Rega was quite glad to see because they were just like her with the exception of their clothes and that they all represented a single personality that made up Non-dream Rega. Dream Rega gave a speech explaining how they would use the rocks to turn everyone in Orient into giant green monsters and then give them all purple pants. She also explained the science and all the benefits of doing this.

She ended her speech by saying, "This should make the Infinites and the monster citizens very angry any questions?"

One hand quickly shot up with a high pitched voice yelling, "Pick me! PICK ME!"

Dream Rega ignored it at first saying that there are no bad questions but the voice just kept getting louder so Dream-Rega acknowledged the voice. The personality the question was coming from was cook Rega who looked just like Dream-Riga but wore an apron and a chief hat.

"Okay," Chief-Riga started out saying, "My question is I think we left the gas-stove on in our little tiny extremely flammable house."

Dream-Rega looked at Chief-Riga as if she had lost he mind. Come one this isn't even a question Dream-Riga thought to herself. But then she realized what Chief-Riga had said.

"Wait could you say that again Chief-Rega," she asked quietly.

"Sure", she responded taking in a short gasp of air before she shouted, " I THINK WE LEFT THE GAS-STOVE ON IN OUR TINY EXTREMELY FLAMMABLE HOUSE !," then she added, "also if it is on the house should be on fire in about ten miniatures and gone afterwords in five."

"Oh crap," Dream-Rega said before waking up since her outfit had stopped draining energy to repair itself.

Rega slowly opened her eyes letting them adjust to the brightness of the sun that shone across the beach.

"Ahhhh," Rega said as she yawned and tried to move her arms bake to stretch.

"Man my arms are stiff," she said to herself not really paying attention to the fact that she really couldn't move. After a few moments panic kicked in and not because she realized that she was buried in the sand no because she remembered what Chief-Rega said.

"...also if it is on the house should be on fire in about ten miniatures and gone afterwords in five." Rega somehow jumped ten feet out of the sand she was trapped in without a single thought about it. The only thing she could think of was how her little cottage-house was going to burn down. Rega proceeded to land on her feet without tripping and begin calculating the fastest way home from where she was.

"Okay since I'm on a beach," Rega said to herself calculating the way to her possibly burning cottage-house,"I need to head forward." Rega only walked a few steps before she realized she had no clue where she was going. With that distraction in her mind she tripped and fell head first into the hole she had just mindlessly escaped. She screamed "HELP!" the hole way down.

by **Zanera** » Fri Aug 04, 2017 10:03 pm

Pill-OW!
Tiki-Tavern

The death of those esteemed and world-famous scientists at the hands of those aliens made Pill-OW!'s blood boil. These were the people who he was sworn to protect...who he was pretty sure he was sworn to protect, and he let them die in a parking accident. If these aliens found human life so inconsequential, then they must be shown the Wrath of Man! Conjuring a pillow, Pill-OW! began whacking at one of the posts holding up the ceiling of the tiki bar, annihilating it to maximum effect, shouting heroistic catchphrases from the television. He continued showing off the Will of Mankind to these extraterrestrial savages, until he eyeballed the post and made sure it was crooked, at least bent in a .5 degree angle. Satisfied with his display of Man's Resolve, he began trying to whack the other post, before noting how thirsty being a Savior of Earth made him. "Say, are there martinis here?"

by **Mirigli** » Sat Aug 05, 2017 9:42 am

Tiki Tavern

Guff. Guff jobby buck. The teleportation warp must have screwed up Cleo's internal clock, because she noticed a change. Instead of Cleo and Alma switching in an orderly fashion every twelve hours, it seemed in this alienverse, Darwin had come out to play. Alma and Cleo were involved in an armwrestling match for Cinderella's body, which, to an outsider, must have looked more than mildly disturbing. Cinderella's arm kept flying back in forth from where she had placed her elbow on the bar, and her body morphed back and forth between the elderly Scottish woman with a will of steel and the apathetic millennial with an attitude problem.

Nae! Gie yer buckin' hans aff ay mah body. Mah een ur up haur! It's mah turn!
Yes. Yes yes yes yes yes. Please, I haven't been able to afford alcohol that didn't come from Walmart since I went legal. I NEED THIS.

Eventually, Alma had an idea to win the day. I've got a torch! Ha! I've got it! I'll sit yer hair an' mah clase an' th' bar oan fire an' rin aroond naked unless ye cede control ye w'rm! Ye can hae it back in an hoor efter granny's caused some CHAOS! Horrified, Cleo's control slipped at the terrifying image and out of the fear that Alma would actually set everything on fire to win the round. Alma seized control and immediately joined Pill-OW!, who seemed to ally with Cinderella's mindset on most matters.

She ran around kicking over chairs and bearing the tiki torch like she was the Statue of Liberty. "ANARCHY! Overthraw th' patriarchy! Let's burn it tae th' grin! It's nae arson unless ye gie caught!"

NO! Cleo screamed internally. There may be margaritas and you run around asking to get fired? Heh. Heh. Literally and figuratively. Grabbing the little umbrellas in the drinks, Alma started throwing them like darts out Blimp Man, hoping it would poke through him and he'd deflate, obviously misunderstanding how his powers worked.

She then saw the Golden Girl who'd been the voice of reason earlier. "Guid day! Let's team up until th' other tributes ur removed an' 'en we can turn oan eachother an' hae an epic barnie tae th' death! Ye in?"

by **Yatzatz** » Sat Aug 05, 2017 10:44 am

Zanera wrote:"Say, are there martinis here?"

Furman rolled his eyes. "Perhaps if the bar, or tavern as the consensus seems to be, was open. It's closed. Though I do wish I had popcorn to wattch Scottish Granny go nuts." He then watched, until suddenly Granny came up to him and Pill-OW. He gasped and backed away, not wanting to be killed by Psycho Scotswoman. She then began talking in a Scottish accent, which meant he had no clue what she was saying. He shouted "Hey, Granny! Get the bagpipes out of your throat!" then realized what he'd done and jumped behind a large tiki torch.

by **Talchyon** » Mon Aug 07, 2017 8:47 pm

The Tiki Bar
The Teetotaler and Doc Bur-Ock

As the Infinites had all of a sudden been transported to this strange place, the Teetotaler had a feeling of dread sweep over him. Not only was this some strange alien place, designed to look like something they might see on Earth in a tourist trap-kind of place. But it was a... (dum dum duh)... a bar! With alcohol! The mortal weakness of the Teetotaler! Granted, he hadn't had anything alcoholic to drink, so he should be ok. But still. The large quantities of alcohol here could truly interfere with his ability to manipulate tea! Keeping his distance from the bar, he looked up. And saw that all the Infinites, with the exception of a few, had gone completely bananas.

There was Pill-OW, for instance, who was thwacking the columns of the tiki bar. Alma the Scottish granny (former teenager - wasn't she just a teenager just moments ago?) with a tiki torch in hand and throwing drink umbrellas. Mikhael showering the room in the hugest litter of kittens known to space. Furman diving behind torches. Rega falling into holes. And Goldilocks and Blimpman both accusing everyone in the room of different things, Blimpman of the Infinites stealing pens, and Aubrey of everyone being aliens. Aliens of all things!

So the Teetotaler cleared his throat and said, "My dear chaps. We have a quandary. Now, I didn't expect that we would be the ones selected to be these champions this alien chap volunteered about earlier. I didn't like the idea of fighting who knows what kinds of aliens, and especially not since the fate of the Earth depends on it. But! Hear me out, Infinites! We were selected for a reason! And I don't ken to know what that reason might be, but I'm a chipper old codger, and I'm not going to let a little thing like fighting a bunch of space aliens to the death in some arena far from home, make me lose my head. My dear fellows. We cannot go against each other. We are in it together. Isn't that right? Our town, our state, our country is depending on us! Isn't that right, Captain Calculator? Captain? America needs us. The U.K. needs us. Heck, even Belize needs us. Earth needs us. And we can stand here acting like ninnies, or we can get our heads together and act as a team and win the day!"

At this point, Doc Bur-Ock looked around in panic. When this alien had shown up, he had ignored it. Because, obviously, it's not like the supervillain society of Orient, Minnesota, would be taken up to space to fight aliens. Not with all the lousy do-gooders like the Infinites in the world. But he had been chosen - seemingly randomly, which, theoretically, was possible to get only people from the town of Orient, Minnesota, and nowhere else, but was highly improbable and unlikely. And the fact that he had been chosen to represent Earth as one of her champions in an intergalactic space battle? Well, it was a little hard to digest. And now? He was going to go up against some alien, who probably wouldn't even write its name and fill out the proper paperwork! And he started to hyperventilate.

At that time, a hidden loudspeaker on a wall near the tiki bar sounded out, all over the sand. It was a familiar, nasal voice. "Hello, Earth's champions! Welcome to the Squelch, my ship! You have been randomly selected to be the Earth's champions, and yada yada yada. I'm supposed to take you to the far off Fuschia Quadrant, but we're not there yet. We've only just left the Milky Way galaxy. Next up is the Snickers galaxy, followed by the Butterfinger galaxy, the Heathbar galaxy and the Peppermint Patty galaxy. Thought I'd show you around my ship and introduce you to some of the others who are traveling with us.

A door opened. It had been hidden before, to make it look like an open beach with sand and a tiki bar. But as the door opened, they could see out of it into a rather dull gray looking hallway. And in the front of the door, stood a little chubby man, completely bald, with thick glasses, a round nose, and a sizeable rear end. He was glaring, but his voice sounded quite pleasant for all that. He stood and looked at them and said, "I am Spasticus the Snarler. Pleased to meet'cha."

(OOC - If you want an idea of what he looks like, click right here)

by **Zjaum** » Thu Aug 10, 2017 10:16 am

"Guid day! Let's team up until th' other tributes ur removed an' 'en we can turn oan eachother an' hae an epic barnie tae th' death! Ye in?"

Aubree "Goldilocks" Lincoln

Full paranoia had kicked in, and was now becoming more vocally present. "That's just what an alien would say!" she shouted. "And you talk like an alien, too!" She'd never heard of Scotland before.

The Teetotaler made a rousing speech, but Aubree was too far gone to listen to the voice of reason. "That's just what an alien would say!" she exclaimed again.

Then the overhead speaker began blaring. "That's just what an alien would... oh." This time it was actually an alien. Finally able to distinguish between friend and foe, she directed her tiki spear away from her friends and towards the speaker, eventually towards the pudgy little man when he finally revealed himself. "I knew it! They CAN take human form!" She jumped on top of the bar, which bent under her weight. She grabbed a bottle and tried to smash it. It smashed, but the remaining bottleneck wasn't all that useful for combat. She called out to the others. "We could still take him on if we work together!"

Henry "Blimp Man" Hinshaw

The little umbrellas were... mildly annoying, to say the least. Blimp Man knew, though, that far worse fates could await him soon. Like the tiki bar coming down on his head, for example, when the structures got hit too hard by pillows. Or if the Scotswoman got wise and decided on a much deadlier tactic. Blimp Man couldn't afford to stay here, but he had nowhere to go.

The situation changed when Spasticus revealed himself. A hallway! Sure, it might contain more aliens, but at least he could keep his free pens! He pushed Spasticus aside and sprinted down the gray hallway. He could fight aliens, but no one could take his prize away from him.

by **The Last Abode of Pando** » Thu Aug 10, 2017 6:26 pm

Steve

Hovering, if hovering is the right word for it, Steve noticed that some of the humans/crocodiles/pig creatures/sand down there were thinking that they were on a beach, but, from its height advantage, Steve could see that they actually were on a beach. He also noticed the fact that the beach ended a few feet over from where they were, where it turned into typical spaceship flooring. "Hey, guys! Look, the sand ends a few feet away, just look. Right there!"

Second Plague of Egypt Man and Schrödinger's Height-Related Person Thing, The Rather Tall Midget And Rather Short Giant At The Same Time Man
(Ed and Aesculapius)

"Wait a minute," Ed stated after standing still for an unnaturally long time, "Aesculapius, these are the dumbest codenames I have ever heard. Let's just go back to our given names."

"Sounds good. Why did we come up with those in the first place?"

"I don't know, maybe it was that person typing this out who made us do it."

Spasticus finally showed his face. Along with the rest of him. Spasticus didn't just show his face like Mr. Big used to do, via hologram. He actually stepped through the doorway. With his body. He looked surprisingly human, almost like a random person you might run across at a rather large chain grocery store, such as Wal-Mart.

When Goldilocks jumped onto the counter Ed got a brilliant idea. Maybe it was just an idea, and not brilliant, but it was his none the less. "Hey, Goldilocks! While you're back there, check and see if they have any sporks."

Florida Man
Joshua James
Still Dying
Wait
Wait
Wait a Little More
Et Cetera

Suddenly, the metal and flames just disappeared right off from his body. Any and all scar tissue or burned skin/muscle/fat/bone that may have formed as a result of the aforementioned metal and flames was also gone. To be clear, the damaged skin, muscle, fat, or bone didn't disappear, just the damaged parts. The rest of the tissue miraculously reappeared. This could only mean two things.

The molten lead wasn't part of him, and the ship couldn't take it up, as it wasn't a living champion. Or.

There.

Was.

A.

New.

Florida Man.

Florida Man
David Adams

David, already wearing his new Florida Man suit, along with a bullet-proof vest and a gas mask, walked into the room right after Spasticus. Most of the people hadn't noticed him yet, probably because Spasticus walked into the room first, and David just showed up.

"So. What're y'all up to."

Former Florida Man, Joshua James seemed surprised that his message took so long to reach the new guy, and that he would just show up out of nowhere, in space. Joshua was able to get out one sentence, before he stopped his sentence while the other guy was talking. "How did you get here, eh?"

Florida Man, hearing his predecessor, responded, in his natural Southern accent, "Oh yeah, thaat. I've been here 'bout a year now, but right now I just walked through dat der door. Before that, I pulled out dis iguana from duh toilet." He then proceeded to hold up the toilet iguana.

http://www.palmbeachpost.com/news/look-florida-man-wears-gas-mask-bulletproof-vest-pull-iguana-from-toilet/zrZdqNTVs629stOqCxezeM/

by **Talchyon** » Sun Aug 13, 2017 12:39 pm

The Squelch's Tiki Bar
Spasticus the Snarler

The rotund little bald alien with glasses and a large rear end looked out at the scene, with Infinites and villains either stunned, falling into holes, accusing others of alien impersonation, or just picking dumb superhero names that were too lame even for this group. What caught his attention at first was Aubrey calling out that she wanted to take him on! As in, fight. He was sure that's what she meant, and that she was not intending to pick Spasticus up and carry him around on her back. Nonetheless, he said (in his nasal voice), "Hi, Champion of Earth. Uh, I advise you to save your fighting for the intergalactic arena. I'm the transporter. Yeah, you could try to beat me up, but then, who would fly you home once the battle's done? You don't know how to fly this ship. And all of the crew here take orders from me only. So, basically you're stuck with me. Want to see the ship?"

Spasticus let out a surprised yelp when the new Florida Man pushed past him with an iguana dripping toilet water. The slick lizard didn't smell very hygienic, nor was it a sight to see. But his surprise lasted just a moment, for at that time Blimp Man somehow edged his way past him and the gross iguana, getting who knows what that was dripping off the iguana all over his clothes, and then running down the hallway. The guy with the deflated balloons on his shoulders was off and running to the... wait. Spasticus knew where that man was heading, and that was no good. Not yet.

So the rotund bald alien with glasses pulled out a remote control and pressed a button, turning the hallway floor into a handy conveyor belt that brought Blimp Man back to him. And he smiled.

Captain Calculator

Things were getting out of hand. Calculator had about a million questions to ask their alien kidnapper. But he was the leader of this team, and needed to get his team calmed down. First things first. He could ignore toilet iguanas and help people out of holes later. Pill-OW's assault against the structure of the tiki bar, while noble, was not something he had to worry about now. A crazy Scottish grandma needed help, but that might require more than he could give on his own - such as professional psychiatric help for starters. But the person he could not ignore and had to calm down was Aubrey. Goldilocks was standing on top of the tiki bar, and being that she was above seven feet tall and well, weighed her worth in gold, the table top of the tiki bar was caving in. Plus, she was really freaked out.

Calculator thought he knew the best thing that might help her at this time. So he scooted over and said, "Aubrey, I think you could use a hug." Then, he tried to hug her - of course, all he got was her ankles.

Doc Bur-Ock
The bureaucracy-themed villain finally came out of his shock. There they were, just minding their own business and trying to steal dangerous radioactive materials, when BOOM! All of a sudden, here they are on some alien spaceship heading to their ultimate doom. Yeah, yeah, some people might make a big deal that by them losing in that alien battle arena - as they surely would - the whole Earth would be enslaved for a thousand years. Doc Bur-Ock himself didn't find that so appalling. In fact, he could see an up side to it. The only problem was, that he was also going to be enslaved - and that without his signed, dated and notarized mark on the proper forms.

So with that in mind, and the fact that he nor any of the other villains had even wanted to be the champions of Earth in this alien intergalactic battle in the first place, meant that he was finally snapping.

"You idiots! You volunteered for this?! You've ruined us all! But I'm not going down without a fight!"

(To which Calculator, hearing him from Aubrey's ankles, glanced at him and said, "Yeah, that was the general idea... fighting in that arena..."_

Doc Bur-Ock, shouting at the top of his lungs some primitive warcry that he learned from the Nature Channel, and therefore not hearing Calculator or anyone else, summoned three life-size moving notary seals, which began clamping their jaws and advancing on the heroes! If the Infinites didn't figure out a way to beat the bureaucratic horror, they would be signed, sealed and delivered - to their doom!

by **Zanera** » Sun Aug 13, 2017 4:59 pm

Pill-OW!
Tiki Bar Ride To Intergalactic Arena Glory

The enemy of Earth was enemying while the traditional enemy of Earth was enemying and enemying even harder than the non-traditional enemy to Earth and the enemies to Earth were all enemying but one was enemying more than the others and the enemies of my enemy still wasn't my friend and I had to defeat them!

What was happening?

There were three death-stamps. They had large jaws. And they wanted to eat me.

This reminded Pill-OW! of that time when he was five when he went to the DMV with his father. One time the lady at the counter, who looked like she was 145, accidentally knocked over three very tall stacks of paper, burying his young self under so much bureaucracy, that his life flashed before his eyes, an avalanche sliding over him, knocking him over and drowning him in seals and stamp marks, the Accepteds and Denieds of which, in hindsight, had represented his life thus far at the age of five. A few seconds later, and his father had saved him from the paperslide. This life-lesson Pill-OW! carried with him for the rest of his life: The DMV was a bad place where good people went to die for a couple hours.

Pill-OW! conjured another pillow, yelling such things as: "Your fate is sealed!" "The Pillow of Truth shall seal your demise!" and "The DMV will never steal my soul again!"

The seal chomped up Pill-OW!'s pillow, and he decided it was time to run.

by **Mirigli** » Sun Aug 13, 2017 7:20 pm

Cinderella

Alma was momentarily distracted by the rude Furman. She took a chair and slammed it over his head WWE style and dabbed around him in victory to Cleo's internal cringe, crowing insults out that were indecipherable to anyone but Alma. Taking advantage of the distraction to Alma's mission of overthrowing the patriarchy, Cleo shifted back into control (still holding the tiki torch) while the alien man was talking. Yet she barely had time to blink before the terrifying notary seals advanced on her. Cleo had a great fear of bureaucracy because of the loads of paperwork she had to fill out during her jail spell as a serial identity thief. Looking around in horror, she ran to Spasticus, grabbing him as a human shield, sure that Doc Bur-Ock wouldn't take out his only chance of survival as the wise alien had explained earlier. In fact...

Bearing her tiki torch in one hand and hovering behind Spasticus with the other, she yelled, "Take this, Doc Bur-ock! I'll take out your only chance of survival unless you call these hellish brutes back! I'll do it! I really will, so call them off! I HAVE A HOSTAGE!"

by **The Irish County of the Beare-Mor** » Sun Aug 13, 2017 7:43 pm

Well, Mikael was only standing there, shooting his kittens. After all, a few gross were quite alot. By the time he finished, it seemed all havoc had broken loose. Goldy was there on the bar, Mr. Calc was there wrapping his arms around her ankles. Doctor Beurock over there was shooting seals. Mikael merely shook his head. "Guys....guys, why don't we all calm down and..." Mikael was suddenly cut off as one the seals reached him. He quickly shot it with a kitten. And then another. And then 15 more.

"As I was saying..." he shot the seal a few more times, "Again, why don't we all just calm down and stop fighting each other, and try to figure this out, hmm?"

by **Yatzatz** » Mon Aug 14, 2017 2:13 am

Furman fell over as he was clubbed in the head with a chair. He then witnessed, blurrily, as someone walked into the room claiming to be the guy who had brought them all here. Spasticus did a bunch of blurry stuff, and then he saw Scotty turn into a girl (wait, what?), and grab Spasticus. His vision cleared up, and he remembered that there was something he wanted to ask. He walked over, grabbed Spasticus' ear, and shouted into it "WE COULDN'T HAVE POSSIBLY SIGNED UP FOR THIS AS WE DON'T HAVE INTERSTELLAR TRAVEL YET. SO IF YOU DON'T TELL ME WHO EXACTLY SIGNED US UP FOR THIS I'LL RIP YOUR EAR OFF."

by **Zjaum** » Thu Aug 17, 2017 6:55 pm

Henry "Blimp Man" Hinshaw

Spasticus thought he had bested him. He thought Blimp Man only used his feet for transportation, like all the other mammals of Earth. Well, except bats.

He was wrong.

In a moment of immense cowardice, Blimp Man inflated his balloons and turned on his fan. Getting into a fetal position, a position he'd grown to appreciate since... anyway, he began floating away down the hall. No conveyor belt was going to stop him now!

Aubree "Goldilocks" Lincoln

Aubree was in the most defensible position possible. High ground, a stable defense, and a sturdy position were all in her side, and nothing Spasticus could say would remove her from her position.

Captain Calculator, on the other hand, was another story.

By hugging her ankles, the Captain had brought her feet closer together. Her center of balance was thrown off filter, and she fell to the ground. The ground made an imprint and everything! Aubree groaned and got up. She did need a hug, but she was more interested in surviving against the alien foe. Well, she could give him the benefit of the doubt. He probably just had the best of intentions... Wait.

But what if he was an alien, though?

No, that couldn't possibly be true. After all, there was an actual alien right in front of her... who looked like an alien, though. What if Captain Calculator was a plant all along?! Surveying the group, finding the weakest ones! At this point, though, he was at a better position. He was standing up, while she lay on the ground. A clever maneuver; showed her to be cocky. She would not give up just yet, however; Jeffersonians never give up! Unless it's a push for statehood, though; then they'll just roll over.

She grabbed a hold of the tiki spear and skewered the table in a rather aggressive stance.

by **Talchyon** » Sun Aug 20, 2017 3:36 pm

The hallway scene
On board the alien ship, the Squelch

While Blimp Man began to float along the hallway, thinking he had tricked his way out of the conveyor-belt automatic return, he hadn't counted on the hallway being rather small and for his balloons to get stuck. The fan was blowing, but the balloons weren't going anywhere. Then, out of nowhere, a large mechanical whirring sound began to, well, sound. Sounding quite sound, as it was bound to sound. What was this mechanically whirring sound? Why, more conveyor belts, of course, this time on the ceiling and walls, bringing Blimp Man back even though he was technically floating in the air.

The Tiki Bar on the Squelch
Spasticus the Snarler

Being held hostage by a crazy Scottish elderly woman who turned into a normal young woman that didn't look anything like her, Spasticus the Snarler was not going to fight his way out. He was a willing hostage, and didn't even try to resist. Even more so because he got to see how humans responded to gigantic bureaucratic notary seals chomping down on them. Not that these guys were the best representatives of humanity. Spasticus looked at Earth's champions with some mild surprise. There was a dazed looking gangly slacker everyone was calling Glitch, those two Siamese twins hooked together at the leg who had a long medieval sword, or a guy who had been hitting things with pillows. If these were the champions Earth had, well, their intergalactic arena battles would be something to watch and maybe bet against.

Then, the furry champion wandered up and yelled in his ear! Spasticus struggled to put his hand on his ear, and unable to because he was blocked by the girl's strong arms, just leaned as far as he could away. "Ow. Man, why did you have to do that? What would you need my ear for anyway? You already have enough. But fine. I'll tell you who signed you up. And the answer is, I don't know. I was just there at the Restaurant at the Center of the universe (which, technically, is more of a truck stop than a restaurant, but it's still a good place to go). And anyway, there I was relaxin' after making some of my deliveries, and I just happened to look up and see that a driver was needed to get Earth's champions. Someone signed you up to compete. And if it wasn't you, I don't know who it was. All I know is that you can't back out now. Once you're signed up, you have to compete, or your entire planet has to pay the penalty price. And if you thought losing the competition was bad, the penalty price is even worse. So, sorry, can't help you. I don't know who signed you up, Earthling. Earth-ite? Or is it Earthonian? Whatever, you human guy that looks like a dog, I have no idea who signed you up and all I know is that I have to get you there.

Captain Calculator

This was getting out of hand. A tiki spear had been plunged into a table, which, actually, was an improvement over the original decor. But Aubrey herself had landed on him when she fell off the table. She got up, and then Calculator looked up the six and a half feet at Aubrey, into her golden gleaming eyes and skin. She thought he was an alien? Standing up and taking a few deep middle-aged breaths to do so, he said, "Aubrey! No one here is an alien. Except Spasticus the Snarler. To prove that I'm not, I will recite the secret pledge that every Infinites' member says. Join with me, and you'll know I'm no alien. Come, on, Mikhael! Say it with me! Because you're right, we need to calm down." Calculator cleared his throat, stepped over three kittens that had gotten underfoot and were trying to snuggle up to his leg, and said, with other Infinites joining in (while the villains laughed at them),

"I am a superhero.
I am not weak or weenie.
I am worthy of taking down supervillains.
I am worthy of getting a comic book someday.
I will use my super abilities for good, not evil.
I am an Infinite! No, really!"

If that wouldn't convince her, nothing would.

Doc Bur-Ock

The three chomping gigantic bureaucratic notary seals advanced on the heroes. One ran away. It merely followed. Problem was, like all bureaucracy, the chomper itself was slow and would take several hours to really get moving. Maybe even weeks. That was a problem. Huh. Another hero shot at it with kittens. And those kittens had gotten into it, somehow playing with the spring mechanism inside it, so that eventually the chomper would chomp. But it would give anyone a nasty headache if he fell into it! The third one took off toward the twins, Ed and Aesculapius.

But just as he was beginning to enjoy attacking the Infinites, the voice of one Cinderella called out over the noise of the melee.

Doc Bur-Ock looked up at her with a huge, sinister smile. Chuckling to himself, the bureaucratic themed villain said in response, "Ha! You think you scare me, hero? You're going to destroy the alien kidnapper because you think he's our only chance of getting out of this? Ha! Ah ha! Ha ah ha ah ha! You obviously don't know me. I'm sure that flying this space ship can't be that hard! So go ahead. Blast him. Set the alien on fire. Give him a wedgie. Blow him up into tiny smithereens with exploding toilet paper for all I care. As long as you have the proper paperwork in for that, of course. But it's not like it matters to me! I'll fly this ship! I don't need him! Ha! Ah ha! Heh heh heh!"

by **Zanera** » Mon Aug 21, 2017 10:23 am

Pill-OW!
On a Rocket Ship to Victorytown

Pill-OW! had continued with his onslaught soon after choosing flight over fight. Regaining some of his composure, he began smacking the giant bureaucratic seal with his Pillows of Might, but to no avail. The seal chomped up the pillow, and before the Savior of Earth and the Universe could get away, he tripped. He still maintains to this second that he had tripped over an object despite there being a lack thereof. The Jaws of Bureaucratic Death started to close in, Pill-OW! slowly trying to scramble away from Imminent Death. Knowing he had only minutes to live, he recited the Minnesota Infinites pledge, and saying that it was nice heroing with everyone, even the villains for that one time against the evil cat.

As the Jaws of Suffocating Paperwork began to close around his abdomen, he decided to give his final message to the world, his last words, and what he wanted for the world:

"I want to feed the babies
Who can't get enough to eat!
I want to shoe the children
New shoes on their feet!
I want to house the people
Living in the street!
There's a solutiooon!

I want to fly like an eagle
Into the WAAAAGGGGHHH!"

The seal had began chomping on Pill-OW!, slowly grinding away his pillow armor. Pill-OW! could only count the seconds he had to live as the seal went om nom nom.

The Infinites: And Beyond! (Comedy, Supers, Space, OPEN) -IC

Who is online