The Infinites: And Beyond! (Comedy, Supers, Space, OPEN) -IC

[Talchyon]

THE INFINITES: AND BEYOND!
THE NEW ARC

OOC - Sign-up here. New players always welcome.

---

CHAPTER ONE: A NEW CHALLENGE

Since the town of Orient is like many small towns, their newspaper comes out once a week, on Wednesday. Here's what the Orient newspaper had in it this week...

News from the Orient

vol. 88, no. 126, June 28, 2017

WHEN ROCKS GLOW

by Sheila Weston, beat reporter

In what is being cautiously called as the biggest thing to happen to Orient since sliced cheese, the town of Orient received startling news that is making national waves. The discovery of a large, underground mine of Uranium and the rare-earth element Technetium beneath Orient has sent shock waves through the nation. These radioactive elements were discovered beneath the site of the former Zeke Enterprises skyscraper building after the company decided to move last year. The contractors had been hired to help move the entire 50-story skyscraper, which came off surprisingly well. But during the move, one construction worker noticed glowing rocks. He first allegedly tried to do a shadow puppets show with his hands, making silhouettes of a bunny, a snake and Justin Bieber in the glowing green light. However, he soon came to his senses and alerted his superior. And soon the news spread.
Residentsof Orient are being cautiously advised by the mayor and the town council to just act like normal. No notices about the safety of the drinking water or crops grown near Orient have been given. Still, if you notice that your refreshing glass of water is glowing green and throbbing, we hope that common sense would tell you to not drink that and get something more hygienic.
Inother news, Geiger counter sales have skyrocketed.

GOVERNMENT RESEARCHERS COME TO ORIENT

by Randall Gervious, beat reporter

After the discovery of the radioactive elements beneath the town of Orient, the federal government has sent researchers to head up the project of public safety and retrieval. Dr. Rose N. Crantz of Princeton and Dr. Gil Denstern of Stanford have been tabbed to oversee the project. Dr. Crantz is the head researcher on Technetium and its effects on microwave popcorn at Princeton. Dr. Denstern leads the Stanford Association of Ferrous Explosions, or S.A.F.E., when he's not playing internet games. The town of Orient welcomes the two scholars and is assured we are in good hands in this unusual time.

Dr. Gil Denstern

Dr. Rose N. Crantz

LOCAL MAN RECOGNIZED

by Everette White, beat reporter

It was not always easy. After the devastating nature of alcoholism had consumed much of his personal relationships, a local man knew he needed help. And he got it, helping to begin the Orient, Minnesota Alcoholics Anonymous chapter. Not only did he overcome his own personal alcoholism. But he proved helpful to others in the same dark situation.
This man only allowed us to print his first name. His name is, "Jerry." We said "Hi" to him.
Recently, Jerry was recognized by the state chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous for his commitment to the cause. Over 100 people from various communities and towns have been helped to give up the bottle and lead a sober life. Jerry received a nice plaque, not for his teeth but the other kind you hang on the wall. He will formally be recognized for this at the next local Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, which meets Thursdays at 7:00 p.m. at the Orient Legion Hall. Refreshments will be served afterwards.
The public is invited. Congratulations are well deserved. Way to go, Jerry.

Late on Filing Taxes? I can Help

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(This is a paid advertisement and does not reflect the opinions of this newspaper or its editors.)

---

Date - A Thursday in late June, 2017
Time - 7:00 p.m. CST
Place - The Orient, Minnesota town Legion Hall, room #2.

Glitch

Dude. There are just some moments in life that are epic. And yuh know? So far my life has had a ton of epic momentses, an' all. One day, I'll have my own comic book. The comic book people just haven't come searched me out yet. But for epicness, it's like when you get your pinky caught in the door of an elevator, and then after hours of wrenching it out, it finally works and ya have your fingers back? That's like, total epic of all pics. That happens to me more than most people. That's because not only can I make people dumb for short periods of time an' all. I can also make things suck, without even trying. Even the 'open doors' button on elevators. So like, I was pressin' the button, and it decided to go on a long coffee break because it wasn't workin'? Dude. That's why it took so long to wrench my finger out. It may seem like the lamest of superpowers, but in all actuality, dude, I may not look like your typical hero thought guy with the bulging biceps and super speed. But I could take down the Hulk. And Wolverine. And Aquaman. All at once. It's just that no one knows it. And anyway, I've seen worse powers than what I have. That's because I'm also a proud member of the Minnesota Infinites.
Ohyeah. Dude. I'm also kind of your friendly narration guy who you hear like when some things are needing to be told that the official news won't tell. My name's Glitch. I'm your guy. An' all. And what I'm about to tell you was another kind of epic. Beyond epic. This saga is like epical. Epiliptic. Epsilon-esque. It beat epic with a ten foot pole. An' all that other stuff. How to begin this death-defying, saga of heroism and bravery above what anyone would have ever expected? By talkin' about where all our stories of epic awesomeness begins. At the weekly meeting of the Minnesota Infinites on Thursday nights in room #2 of the Orient Legion Hall. Yuh have to cross through the first room where all the people are who say, "Hi, my name is George." "Hi, George." But ours is a lot cooler of a meeting.
So like, our weekly Infinites' meeting was in rare form that day, dude. Corporal Cosine-in-ator was like spewing out his knowledge of all matters Infinites. Like, 'parently, we nabbed a jaywalker the other day. Well, kind of. He just like laughed at us when we tried to put him under citizen's arrest and all, and then just kept on jaywalking and ignoring us? And it was kind of late, so we had to let him go? But I consider that a win for us, and a moral victory, which you can never have to much of, yuh know. Dude. An' oh yeah! Ever since the cat food factory moved to town, like, we've been like helping cats get out of trees nonstop. The humane society is getting kind of annoyed at us an' all the cats we bring in, but they have their role to play, we have ours.
Anyway, I don't remember the rest of the meeting itself. Something about how we like still have no money. An' like we had a 125 page report sent in by Fruit Passion guy about like how hiccups detract from your psychic energy or something. Corporal Cosine-in-ator just kind of filed that and told us we didn't have to pay attention. Not like I was anyway. Dude. I'm not one for like sitting on your haunches. I'm a man of action. So I was quite pleased when the meeting got done, and it was time to enjoy the delicious refreshments that had been brought to the meeting. I guess we also had some new people with us at this meeting. Sweetness. I wanted to meet them all. Fighting side by side with these equally awesome Minnesota Infinites is what I live for. When I'm not like watching bad sitcoms an' all. Dude.
Anyway,as I was tryin' to say. This is like how this all-engaging saga of heroic epicness began. It was after that meeting that all things epic began to happen to us.

---

The Club that was formerly named the Orient, Minnesota Super Villains Club
The basement of Ulterior Motive Man's house
Doctor Bureaucracy ("Doc Bur-Ock")

The glower on the face of the supervillain in the front of the room was a typical expression these days. Ever since they had to abandon meeting in the warehouse that got destroyed by anvils and paper airplanes, Doc Bur-Ock was in a foul mood. It didn't help that Ulterior Motive Man's mother had come down and was trying to clean up around the other supervillains, chattering on in a friendly way about how she uses all the coupons she ever gets. He had to ignore her.

"Villains! As you know, we still have the Minnesota Infinites around! These do-gooders always thwart our plans! They have to be stopped! Humiliated! Exposed as the fools they are. And then, this exposure needs to be signed in triplicate and notarized, before being filed.

"The good thing is, we have a great opportunity now! Now that these radioactive elements have been found beneath Orient, we can put that to good use! Just think how the Infinites will be tripping all over themselves to stop us! And we'll rule the day! No, I don't know exactly what we do with this radioactive material. And no, I don't know exactly how we're going to get it. But that's the situation, and we'll use it for our nefarious schemes!" Doc Bur-Ock snickered to himself, which, when others heard, thought it sounded like a 12 year old kid would sound like when he was trying to sound older than he was.

Doc Bur-Ock concluded. "Ok, then! Meeting's done. Refreshments time. Oh yeah. I guess we also have some new villains with us. Go and meet the new guys over some cookies. And maybe talk amongst yourselves about how we can use this radioactivity for our villainous purposes."

---

Space.
Quite some distance from Earth, as the crow flies.
(Because, of course, crows don't fly in space).

A large vessel turned. It's coordinates had been changed. Now, it was heading for some backwater planet called Earth. The captain of the ship smiled. If you could call it a smile. Actually, it looked more like an evil glare. But trust me. The captain was smiling. You didn't want to see it when it made an evil glare.

If only the inhabitants of this backwater Earth knew what was in store for them.

[Zanera]

Pill-OW!
Orient, Minnesota
I AM LEGION Hall Room 2

---

"So I was fixing this one family's plumbing. Another kid flushed a superhero action figure down a toilet again. It's usually Aquaman. But the toilet kept overflowing, and I needed to snake out the action figure, so I got the snake and began snaking the toilet. Eventually the action figure got free of the pipe, except it went through it into their septic tank. The kid began screaming, so me and the father went outside to dig up the entrance to the septic tank. That took a couple hours and it was hot. Around midday. So I was all hot and sweaty, and not the sexy hot and sweaty. I got into this onesie suit to go into the septic tank, and I was digging around in this hot, humid septic tank for a few hours more before I found it. I got out and we rinsed it off with the hose, and I stood to get rinsed off too, but they said their water bill was too high, so they wouldn't rinse me off. So I took off the suit, threw it in the back of the truck, and I drove here. Oh yeah, this all happened today. So yeah, I forgot to get rid of that onesie. Sorry about the bad smell in the parking lot."

[What Has Been Lost]

The Club that was formerly named the Orient, Minnesota Super Villains Club
The basement of Ulterior Motive Man's house
Mariah Crack, "Tabletop"

Mariah had no idea what she was in for.
She had been on a "quest" to find some villain to work for. She caught wind of this club thingy, one thing lead to another, and now she was standing in some basement. Not to mention she had no idea of how much of a crack job this rodeo was run by. Well, now she did. Ish.
Cookies. Where are the cookies. She heard the nutcase say something about cookies... a joke, maybe? She walked over the the corner and sat. Maybe she should spy? After all, even though she couldn't see as a table, she could still hear. Hoping no one was watching, she quietly became a table that matched the ones in the room.

[The Last Abode of Pando]

Ed and Aesculapius
The twins were sitting down on one of the chairs; definitely not an invisible chair, mind you, why would you get that idea, just a normal chair that seemed to not be anything, it's definitely not invisible; starting to doze off to Captain Calculator's speech giving. They were both in that weird sort of two-person armor, that doubled as their superhero costume(s). Their original supersuit was blue with designs on it, but when they had teleported away, they had landed a couple hundred meters above a pine forest. The suit had gotten mostly destroyed in the process, and eventually the twins became skilled at metallurgy, crafting their own armor and weapons from various metals. Aesculapius trained in the sword under some nameless guy, and Ed mastered the bow. For some reason, these weapons only seem to come into play when a battle is going on, or randomly mentioned. They still prefer their powers over silly little things such as medieval weapons. However, at that very moment, because of Aesculapius, Steve happened outside. Seeing as how Steve was outside, Aesculapius wasn't aware of it. Ed was waiting for Jerry to show up and tell them stuff; it seemed to happen every week.

Florida Man
Joshua James
Still
No Seriously
He's Still Alive
It's Been a Year
The Molten Lead Somehow Hasn't Killed Him
The Lead is Still Liquid
And Hot
Burningly Hot
Death Inducingly Hot
Things Haven't Gone His Way in the Last Year
Why Hasn't the Next Florida Man Shown Up Yet
No One Knows
In the Basement of Ulterior Motive Man
At the Villains Meeting
Approximately 7 O'clock PM
Maybe
Give or Take a Half Hour

Florida Man wasn't paying attention either, seeing as how he was dying. He spoke up "So, did anybody read the newspaper this week?"

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2017-04-24/new-light-phenomenon-called-steve-by-aurora-watchers/8466234

[Mirigli]

Cleo Milcox
Heroes' Meeting

Alma was standing too close to the window. Way too close. Her dentures were squished against the glass and drool was dripping down in rivers.

-God, that's so disgusting. How hard would it be to close your mouth?

~Yoo're a wee scunner! Ah teel aw mah grandchildren 'at unless they want a beatin' ah dae as ah please.

-I'm trying to make a good impression here! We finally got a job! Do you want to screw that up? Do you?

~Lass, reit noo it's mah body, which means, unfortunately fur ye, aam in control. &*$% waitin' fur midnecht! We're gonnae in noo!

With that, Alma wobbled through the doorway. I knew my protests would be useless against her pea-sized brain; or what was left of it after dementia. I was hoping to go in after midnight, when I was me again, but when Alma had a plan, and not even God Alma-ighty could stop it. Grabbing some poor young man's hand, she spat out her dentures and placed them there. "Awrite yoong fowk. Ah haur there's a ceilidh?"

Inwardly, I facepalm.

[Talchyon]

Orient Legion Hall, room 2
Coathangerman

Cleo Milcox
Heroes' Meeting

Alma was standing too close to the window. Way too close. Her dentures were squished against the glass and drool was dripping down in rivers.

-God, that's so disgusting. How hard would it be to close your mouth?

~Yoo're a wee scunner! Ah teel aw mah grandchildren 'at unless they want a beatin' ah dae as ah please.

-I'm trying to make a good impression here! We finally got a job! Do you want to screw that up? Do you?

~Lass, reit noo it's mah body, which means, unfortunately fur ye, aam in control. &*$% waitin' fur midnecht! We're gonnae in noo!

With that, Alma wobbled through the doorway. I knew my protests would be useless against her pea-sized brain; or what was left of it after dementia. I was hoping to go in after midnight, when I was me again, but when Alma had a plan, and not even God Alma-ighty could stop it. Grabbing some poor young man's hand, she spat out her dentures and placed them there. "Awrite yoong fowk. Ah haur there's a ceilidh?"

Inwardly, I facepalm.

The plain, boring costumed man with several coathangers looked rather shocked as some granny on steroids grabbed his hand, and then spit out her false teeth into it. The saliva and drool glistened on the teeth, along with several broccoli pieces that had obviously been her last snack. The moistened gunk drizzled onto Coathangerman's palms, and his face grew into a disgusted expression. She was a new recruit. But whatever powers Lady Grandma had were yet to be discovered. Hopefully it wasn't some kind of acid drool.

He thrust the dentures back at her, trying to wipe off his palm on her dress. Still slimy with the broccoli-laced saliva, Coathangerman flinged his hands into the air to hopefully gain some kind of cleanliness, or at least some kind of dry. And then she spoke.

"Awrite yoong fowk. Ah haur there's a ceilidh?"

Coathangerman looked at her with a puzzled expression? What did she say? "You want some kind of sealant?" Maybe that's why she spit out her dentures. She's lacking in the denture sealant department. "Look, I don't know where you can find any sealant. But I'm sure it will help keep your dentures in your mouth..."

Just then, the door opened from the other room where the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting was run. That room was filled with balloons and streamers, and the noise of conversations about the weather and the future of lacrosse in America drifted in. A man entered. A well-dressed man, with some bags under his eyes and some thinning brown hair. He was a familiar around these parts. Since the Infinites had been meeting in the Legion Hall room 2, this man Jerry showed up afterwards, usually annoyed at having to interact with what he called the Orient Spandex Club. But Jerry had proved useful last year. He always seemed to know things, to give needed information, and just to point the heroes in the direction they should be taking. With eyes raised into his eyelids so he wouldn't have to look too closely at the people gathered in the room, Jerry said,

"Yeah, um. Ok. You spandex guys should wait a little longer until my reception is done. We're almost done, but I don't want my friends and family seeing you guys. Just wait until we clear out, in about ten minutes. No offense, right guys? Thanks. You know? I couldn't help but overhear through the walls that you guys were getting kind of bored.
Well, maybe you guys should do something valuable with your time. Learn something new. Like, tomorrow morning those two scientists are going to be giving a presentation on safety and what the town might do with all that uranium and the other element thing. You guys should go. That would be super, man." Glancing back at the room behind him, he said, "Yeah, so, I'm going to see my guests out. Just give me ten minutes or so, and then you can come on through." Shaking his head, he closed the door - and made sure it was firmly closed and wouldn't open by itself.

Coathangerman said, "Huh. I guess learning about these rare elements wouldn't be all bad. And my polka band called off practice for tomorrow. Guess we should go."

---

The basement of Ulterior Motive Man's house
Diet Cola

The soft-drink villain whose temper could bubble up like that, had been approaching a new recruit. Short orange hair, pretty bland looking costume. He was just going to ask her what she thought about Doc Bur-Ock's plans about using this radioactive material in some evil way against the Infinites. Diet Cola had been looking at her, approaching, getting closer, and then, he had turned his head to see the chronically dying-Florida Man, who was still under the influence of molten lead from last year. He couldn't help but think, "Guy's got a problem." And then he turned back to talk to the girl. But she was gone!

That was weird. Looking around, he didn't see her. Where had she gone? Now all that was there was a table of all things. Looked like it came from some cheap yard sale or something. Ulterior Motive Man's mother could use some interior decorating help.

Well, that was weird. So Diet Cola simply leaned against the table, and put his whole weight on the table with his arms resting on it, and said, "So guys! I have an idea. We should steal the elements tomorrow. I heard there's going to be some presentation by these two scientist-types. But that means they won't be in their lab. So we can try to take these radioactive uranium and the other one, and they won't be guarded. Yeah, it may be kind of tough since their lab is like right next door to where they were presenting. But this seems like it would be a great time. And who knows? Radiation doesn't travel through water, right? So maybe I can create some wall of diet cola around these elements so we don't get affected by the radiation. Sound good?"

[What Has Been Lost]

Mariah Crack, "Tabletop"

So much for spying. There were a lot of things Mariah wanted to do in life, and become someone's arm rest was not one of them. "GET OFFA' ME," she managed as she turned human, her voice muffled by this... other person now on top of her. The weight and force of him leaning on the table lead to him landing on top of the table-gone-human. That's what you get for leaning on strange tables! "Please. I would really enjoy a view a bit more decent than your rump."

She managed to shimmy out from under the other person. Although she wasn't skinny, she wasn't fat either, so getting a "better view" wasn't much of a problem. Mariah brushed the hair out of her face and smoothed down her outfit. Maybe a new plan is in order?

"So," she said, standing up, "I totally missed what you just said. Could you repeat that?" So much for spying and first impressions.

[Talchyon]

Ulterior Motive Man's basement
Diet Cola

Mariah Crack, "Tabletop"

So much for spying. There were a lot of things Mariah wanted to do in life, and become someone's arm rest was not one of them. "GET OFFA' ME," she managed as she turned human, her voice muffled by this... other person now on top of her. The weight and force of him leaning on the table lead to him landing on top of the table-gone-human. That's what you get for leaning on strange tables! "Please. I would really enjoy a view a bit more decent than your rump."

She managed to shimmy out from under the other person. Although she wasn't skinny, she wasn't fat either, so getting a "better view" wasn't much of a problem. Mariah brushed the hair out of her face and smoothed down her outfit. Maybe a new plan is in order?

"So," she said, standing up, "I totally missed what you just said. Could you repeat that?" So much for spying and first impressions.

The villainous soft-drink shooter gasped in astonishment as the table he was leaning on began first to speak, and then to transmogrify. Where that flat surface was that he had been laying all his weight on, began to speak, albeit it was rather wooden in what it said. But then, after a tumble and a fall to the floor, Diet Cola found himself sitting... on that new recruit with the bland orange outfit! So of course, he said the only thing that came to mind...

"Ulterior Motive Man, your mom might want to return this table she got. I think it's defective." But looking at the other mismatched pieces of furniture in the room, Diet Cola had the sneaky suspicion that it was all from Chez Yard Sale. And thus, couldn't be returned.

But the talking table, now girl, had asked a question. So, of course he was going to answer. "Ok. Sorry 'bout that. I didn't mean to sit on you. Or lean, or however that was. You were wanting to know my plan. Well, it's simple. There's a whole mine of underground uranium and technical-ium or whatever it's name is, all beneath the city. And these two geniuses who came from academia-schmackedemia are in charge of researching them, right? Well, they're giving a presentation about something that I don't remember the name of, but it sounded really boring. So here's my idea. While Genius A and B are giving their lectures, we go and steal some of this and then use it some way to threaten the Infinites! Man, I hate those guys!"

Doc Bur-Ock came over. "Hmmm. Interesting idea. There's a whole world of evil dastardly things we could do with uranium. Poison things. Poison the food the Infinites eat! As long as we keep them from seeing that their hamburgers are now glowing green, it just might work. And that other stuff, technetium. That could be interesting because no one actually knows what it does except for, I think these scientists and maybe a few others in the world. But I think I know how I might contribute to this plan of getting these radioactive elements."

And just then, Doc Bur-Ock summoned a signed, notarized form in his hand. It read, "To whom it may concern. This signed form, when notarized, authorizes the evil villains to get as much uranium and technetium as they wish. Blah blah blah. Signed, X." And Doc Bur-Ock said, "Technically, they still count x's as signatures... So it should work if we run into someone who thinks we shouldn't be there."

It was just so crazy and lame, it just might work!

[The Last Abode of Pando]

Steve
"Woah. What was that? Where am I? What *cough* what's that smell?" As Steve came into existence in the Orient, Minnesota skies, it started asking itself questions like these.

Steve had no idea what it was or why it was there. But that smell... Man. That smell smelled smelly.

Steve was thrilled at his newfound existence when one of the passersby on the ground shouted up at Steve, "Hey Steve! How're you doin'?"

Being Steve, Steve didn't know how to answer this person but it didn't seem to matter, they had already walked on in their life. Steve thought two things; first, where is this thought physically happening, and second, why am I here. Where Steve's thoughts actually are no one knows. Eventually, Steve decided that it must have been here for a heroic purpose, to protect Earth from danger. Reading the street signs that said 'Orient -- pop. 2000', Steve knew that it was in Orient, population 2000.

Above the town of Orient, Steve was determined to find out if it could go into buildings, so Steve moved in the general direction of the largest building in the small town. What a shame. Steve just missed Zeke Enterprises. This shorter-than-Zeke-Enterprises building was now illuminated by Steve, so it could see it much more clearly than any of the other buildings. Steve went through the crack in the door and found himself in the first room of the Orient, Minnesota Legion Hall.

Steve found a relatively large group of people talking to a guy who seemed to be named Kyle. When Steve came further into the room, the people looked Steve's direction, because of the newfound brighter glow coming from the door.

"Hey, Steve. How are you doing?" asked one man, who looked as if he was growing tired of this family reunion, except for the inevitable bucket of fried chicken that someone's relative had brought; this particular bucket was almost empty now, only a few remaining chicken pieces were left in the monocolor bin.

"Pretty good, I think. How are you?"

"Oh you know, normal. The kids could be better," the man told Steve, gesturing at a group of an indiscriminate amount of children, all between the ages of 1 and 57, wrestling in the corner.

"Do any of you defend Minnesota from threats?" asked Steve, its voice rebounding around the walls as much as its light. In response Steve got a large bout of laughter from everyone in the room, except Steve, who, naturally, didn't know what was funny or not. "OK. Then, I'll just go through this door."

Steve found the inside of a broom closet. It decided to go back to the party. Just then, the door was opened by a man that Steve recognized from its brain, Jerry. Steve saw a large group of spandex-clad people, so Steve went into that room, illuminating it. Right before the door was closed, a resounding, "Bye, Steve!" could be heard from everyone in that room.

"Sorry I'm late. I didn't exist at the start of this meeting. Then I got held up in that party, talking to people. Do any of you save Minnesota from threats? Wait a minute, it smells the same in here that it did outside. No. This smell is different. As different as a gazelle? Yes. A gazelle from a deer."

[Talchyon]

Orient Legion Hall, rm. #2
Glitch

Epicness comes in all forms. Like if you want the skinny about like great barbecue, you call my Uncle Jack. Dude's got barbecue sauce in his veins, man. His blood is like dripping with that smoky sweet tangy-ness of epic 'cue, if you follow my gistic sort of lead, an' all. And like, on the topic of epic awesomeness coming in all forms, like if you want to talk about spontaneous accidents that are totally off the scale, well then, you better also be talking about my neighbor, Herschel. He's got some serious issues. I don't know why, but things that you don't want to happen, happen around him. Like blenders spewing out their liquids and chunks when Herschel comes near. Or like, fridges leaking their beef juices all over just because Herschel passed by. Or like, even something simple like trying to tie your shoe. Dude. You don't want Herschel anywhere near you. I love the guy, platonically, yuh know, like how Plato liked Soccertes but never like liked him in that way? That's how I like Herschel. Great guy. Yuh just don't want him near your stuff. He's epic on the totally other end of the scale.

You don't even want to know about the time Herschel met my Uncle Jack when he was cookin' up barbecue chicken. I still get shivers from that.

So, as it was, an' we were all chewin' the fat and jawin' with each other, an' like, dude, there was a granny who was now in our Infinites group. And she was like all, epic on another level. She's from some weird European country where they like invented golf and the guys wear like weird dresses an' all? I think she's Swiss. Anyway, I was there, just mindin' my own biz, and she broke out into some kind of epic brogue. And Coatwireguy was like trying to communicate, but I know - yuh can't do it like that. So I walked over to Coatwire Dude and tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Dude. Allow me." I was going to break out into my epic communication mode, yuh know? Like how I do when I talk to all people great and small? And so I said, "Hey babe. I call you a babe, because all women are babes. Even granny women like you. But don't get me wrong. I'm not into you, an' all. I don't want to date. I love you, like, Socratistically." There. If that isn't epic, I don't know what is.

And then, there was like someone - or rather, it was like something - who came to the meeting. He calls himself "Steve." But he looks like he came off some internet picture of the sky. The guy's like, light. Like bug zapper type. As a matter of fact, I saw a bug fly up to him and land. Didn't get zapped, but eventually the little critter got tired and flew off. And this Bug Zapper Guy, Steeeve, was like all talkin' about the smelly odoriferous stench that was like hangin' around the PillowPopper dude. Come to think of it, Bug Zapper Guy or Steve was right. There was a stench. Like Herschel had just gone to the bathroom and the sewer line exploded. Dude. Don't even get me started on that topic. It's too recent.

And so I said to this new light man, "Dude! Bug Zapper Guy! Like your digs an' all. Allow me the intro. I am the superhero now and formerly known as and will be known in the future as, "Glitch!" And you came to the right place. We are the Minnesota Infinites, and we're like an epic group of superheroes that save cats, and sometimes even the world from like evil criminal masterminds. Oh, and other cats, too. Anyway, like, dude, we just got done with our meeting that we have every Thursday at 7:00 pm right here. Dude! You should join us! We could use a guy who can glow in the dark. We're going to be like going to the lecture dealie tomorrow by like those two geniuses on the really unusual like radioactivity that's like buried beneath Orient. I think Corporal Cosininator guy is going to pick us all up tomorrow morning." I could tell. He was going to make us even more epic. Those comic book companies were going to come knocking any day now.

At this, Captain Calculator looked over and nodded. That was the plan. He was going to pick everybody up at the their homes tomorrow morning in the Infinite-Mobile, his family's station wagon that his wife grudgingly let him use to fulfill the anxiety of his midlife crisis that he was actually a superhero. In other words, she grumbled about it, but Captain Calculator was allowed to drive the Infinites to anywhere in Orient they needed to go. And sometimes a little beyond, too. It's a wonder. Woman like that is allowing or enabling her husband to do all this.

[Mirigli]

No. Please please please please don't-

Alma placed her bony hand on the poor verbally challenged boy's bicep. Her fingers curled around his arm like how I imagine a skeleton pulls itself from the grave. She tightened her grip, digging in her nails that probably hadn't been cut since the night of the Titanic, blatantly feeling up his arm. "Aam th' lil. Yoong laddie -- ist coz aam older doesnae pure techt aam nae oan th' markit. Ah loch mah men a wee yoonger." She eyed him up and down appreciatively and I can feel myself gag.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not criticizing age gap relationships. But this was light years away -- the difference between Kristen Stewart's acting and George Clooney's. Alma's almost as old as a dinosaur. Scratch that, she is a dinosaur. Do you know how gross and irresponsible interspecies relations must be?

Turning to Coathangerman while Alma dragged her victim behind her, she stuck her face up to his so her nose was touching his and she could breath in his face, a classic intimidation tactic Alma enjoyed employing. "A POLKA BAIN??"

Bairns these days! she notes to me, thinking I care to know how she justifies her actions. "A lecture oan raur devils? Aam an expert in th' field! Coont me in!"

[Zanera]

Pill-OW!
Legion Hall Room #2

---

It was nice to see that light was actually on the side of good, because then it would have been embarrassing if it wasn't, and good was actually the dark, which it doesn't seem to be, because in the dark is where evil things happen, and the good being the dark wouldn't make sense. As a plumber, he had had bad experiences with dark places. As for the Scottish granny, he withheld all bad opinions one her. Heroes were supposed to respect grannies. This one might be able to pile-drive him like a granny at another job who mistook him for an intruder after he rang the doorbell three times and knocked six. It turns out she forgot her hearing aid. But the moral was, do not underestimate grannies. Pill-OW! would stay silent anyway, he didn't want to attract her attention.

[Ort]

Terry Mayhew a.k.a. Quizling
Room 2, Orient Legion Hall

---

Realistic conflict theory is a prevailing model in social psychology that attempts to rationalise inter-group conflicts and their causes. Muzafer Sherif, a Turkish-American social psychologist, conducted an experiment to demonstrate realistic conflict theory. In this three week study, researchers posed as counselors at a summer camp in Robbers Cave State Park, Oklahoma intending to observe twenty-two eleven and twelve-year-old boys who possessed relatively similar backgrounds and hadn't previously met. Sherif divided his experiment into three constituent parts: an in-group formation stage, a friction phase, and an integration stage. During these phases, Sherif's adolescent subjects were divided into two approximately equal groups - who'd take to calling themselves the Eagles and the Rattlers - based on their similarities, they'd then begin to compete against each other in camp games constructed by Sherif and his researchers only to be required to cooperate to tackle a super-ordinate goal.

Terry couldn't help but apply Sherif's study to his present situation. Assuming that his teammates, the Minnesota Infinites, and their criminal adversaries - who'd yet remain anonymous to Terry - represented the Eagles and the Rattlers and you substituted Robbers Cave State Park, Oklahoma for Orient, Minnesota then it became clear that a zero-sum situation existed that neither side had apparently yet realised. On one side existed the Minnesota Infinites, who'd seemingly dedicated themselves to ultimately ridding their quaint Midwestern township of crime, whilst their rivals existed to cause crime. A victory by either party was predicated upon a situation in which each participant's gain or loss of utility is exactly balanced by the losses or gains of their opponent's utility. Unless an outlying threat manifested itself that required cooperation between Orient's heroic and villainous factions then Terry's teammates couldn't triumph over their felonious rivals and vice versa by merely maintaining their present stratagems. Game theory posited elegant solutions to zero-sum situations; a mathematical resolution to their current predicament, employing either the minimax theorem or Nash equilibrium, might prove sufficient. Although, any solution that relied upon game theory would involve an assumption that each player will act in a individually rational manner and, as Terry casually leaned against a wall observing his teammates and their interactions, decided that this assumption couldn't be made about them.

What have I gotten myself into? Thought Terry as he began to regret his decision to do this as community service.

[The Central Shadow Nation]

Fruitbat
Brooding in the darkness of his college dorm, ready to lunge down and eat grapes!

Eric, otherwise known as the one and only Fruitbat!, was sitting down and really paying no attention to anything around him. He had felt kind of down since the encounter in Zeke's tower, something that happened long ago but felt like yesterday. The heroes really didn't do anything important. If it wasn't for Zeke everyone would be dead.

Eric plopped a bubblegum berry into his mouth and chewed on it. He had finished chewing a few others, accidentally spitting one onto someone else's seat. Whoever it landed on, the person would have a hard time getting up. He was listening to Pink Floyd. All he heard was something about Captain Calculator sweeping by and picking everyone up. Good thing he didn't live with his mom. She wouldn't like a middle age man sweeping by in a minivan.

Country Croc
Released his first album to the public, who is surprisingly beginning to warm up to him.
Spent his vacation in his cabin in the swamps of Florida, frequently hosting BBQ's

Country Croc listened intently, bobbing his giant reptillian head up occasionally as he strummed lightly on his guitar. The crocodile had been living the life, making music and getting this one old lady her purse back. Then he got pepper sprayed by that said lady. Country Croc wished everyone appreciated him.

CC had tried to invite the Infinites to his weekly BBQ's, even though no one seemed interested. Afterall, week after week noone had shown up to his swamp. It was only his crocodilian brethren that were interested in the cookouts. The only human visitors he got were canoers who canoed down his swamp. He didn't see them too often, only once or twice a month. He tried to invite them over to his cookouts, however when they saw the bipedal crocodile with a spatula in his hand standing over a grill they only pedalled faster.

Country Croc was happy the Infinites were doing something again, even if it was just about rocks. Country Croc had always been interested in geology.

Ugg the Barbarian
Ugg new to smash for villains. Ugg not have blurb.

Ugg, the wide eyed time travelling caveman, looked around. He had never been inside of a basement before. Ugg thought it was kind of like his cave some thousands of years ago. When Ugg heard the word Minnesota Infinites slip out of Doc Bur-ock's mouth, Ugg raised his club. "Ugg hate Infinites!"He growled, spinning around and crashing his club into the wall.

"Ugg know how to get rock. Ugg go to place, Ugg smash everyone. Ugg go to rock and smash rock. Everyone get rock pieces. Ugg and friends club Infinites!"Ugg smiled. Ugg was hungry, so he devoured most of the cookies within seconds.

[Talchyon]

Orient Legion Hall, rm. #2
Glitch and Coathangerman

Ok. Dude. So like Cougar Granny didn't catch my gist. I call everyone of the female persuasion, "Babe." Doesn't mean I like like them like that. Yuh know? I've only had one kind of relationship in my history. Sweet giantess whose soft shoulders I once rode on to Minneapolis. Long story. But it didn't last. She became a tour guide. And things went really downhill from there.

So, trying to talk to Cougar Granny in my most reluctant sounding of tones, I intoned out, "Hey, like Cougar Granny. I don't like you like that. Dude. Let's just be friends. Like, not the kind of friends that call each other every day, either. More like, the kind of people who like have to work together and are cordial to each other and have some like mutual kind of respect. Yuh know? Dude. I'm not ready for another relationship right now." Nor would I ever be ready for another relationship with her.

Coathangerman, on the other hand, smiled at the polka fan. "Yeah, I play the tuba in the polka band with my friend Tito and some other guys. Next time we have a concert, I'll let you know."

---

TIME SKIP - THE NEXT MORNING

Driving around
Captain Calculator

The Infinite-mobile had been fueled, washed, had the oil changed and the gaskets refigured, and everything was good to roll - as well as a 20 year old family station wagon rolled. Captain Calculator had had a blast driving through Orient in a flash and picking up his companions, ready to go to the lecture series on radioactive materials. A thought had come to his mind as he drove picking the other Minnesota Infinites up (and of course, getting quite the shock when at the weird Scottish grandma's place, there was a young girl instead who hopped in the car. But hey! The Infinites can use all kinds). The thought Calculator had was one he shared aloud with the others in the car.

"So, there's a lot of people who have superpowers in Orient, Minnesota. A lot more than the mean average as compared to other places. I mean, I can shoot calculators. Teetotaler manipulates tea. All of us - even if we didn't grow up in Orient - haven't lost our abilities by being in Orient. And then, there are guys like the villains, you know, like Doc Bur-Ock who has the dangerous red tape he ensnares people in and his ability to conjure up all kinds of bureaucratic forms. There's Diet Cola who can shoot powerful streams of soft drinks out of his hands. And a whole other slew of villains. I was wondering. Do you suppose the reason this happened is because of all this radioactivity going on beneath the town of Orient? That wouldn't be a coincidence - statistically speaking, of course."

The Teetotaler, the elderly hero dressed in loud vibrant colors who always spoke with a noticeably fake British accent, slowly nodded his head. "Yes. Yes, my dear chap, you may indeed be right. That's a chipper thought. That all that radioactive material could have caused me to gain in my powers of manipulating tea. Hmm."

Calculator went on. "That, honestly, is one big reason I decided to come today to hear these scientists. I mean, other than that it beats having to read up on the latest IRS policies for my accounting business. But these two scientists, Drs. Rose N. Crantz and Gil Denstern are top-notch. If anyone would know about how radiation might affect people to have super powers, or help or hinder us who do have super powers, it would be these two. And they're here in our neighborhood, even."

Calculator pulled up and parked the car in a parking lot. The Infinites saw a fairly decent sized group of people in the town park, at the outdoor auditorium where the old town marching band used to play. Standing up by the bandshell on the stage was a podium with mikes. There were some distinguished looking people up there - the mayor, the town council, a few judges, even the former governor of Minnesota himself - and also the former professional wrestler, Jesse Ventura. With them were the distinguished guests. The scientists looked respectable, well-dressed for the occasion and chitchatting with each other.

Finding some seats towards the back, Calculator led the other Infinites to sit down and hear the presentations. They still had about 5-10 minutes to spare.

---

Doc Bur-Ock

Doc Bur-Ock looked at the group of villains and smiled, in his sneering, condescending kind of way. The plan was simple. While the radioactive uranium and technetium were mined in the center of town, all the recovered samples had been brought up and moved to a storage facility close to the town park. There they were kept under a minimum security watch, mostly to prevent the clueless and souvenir seekers from wandering in and becoming mutant zombies by hanging out with all that treacherous, glowing green and dull gray minerals. As it was, the level of radioactivity from these samples and the signs that screamed, "Danger" led most people to avoid this place.

But the group formerly known as the Orient, Minnesota Supervillains' Club (new name pending due to increased bureaucratic hoops to have to jump through) were not most people. They were going to rob it. The minimum security consisted of a few locked doors and the town police officer standing outside.

So here was the plan. One of the villains would cause a distraction for the police. The others would break open the doors or pick the locks, and then finally, grab as many samples as needed. They had Doc Bur-Ock's fake bureaucratic form that authorized it, if they needed it. They also had the assurances of Diet Cola that his soft drink power would prevent and keep out the radioactivity from harming the villains.

The villains pulled up in Jason Dolor's car (which, coincidentally, was looking quite better than a year previous, when it had been blasted full of shotgun shell holes and at least one door had been removed. Parking it, they saw the crowd around the lecturing scientists maybe a block away. And they saw their goal in sight - there it was, the newly designed and constructed storage facility, with the lone police officer of Orient looking bored. What could possibly go wrong? Other than the fact that one of the Infinites had seen the villains pull up and recognized them as the villains...

---

The Milky Way

A huge starcraft took a right, then a few lefts, and then a few more rights, before pulling into the Milky Way. The destination in this star system was the third planet from the sun, a miserably happy place that had some intelligent life residing in it - and billions of humans, too. The coordinates had been set. Soon, this little planet would receive a surprise visit and tremble in fear.

The snarling alien commander, clad in full yellow metallic armor with a red sensor in the center of his chest - at least one of his chests - barked out an order, and his underlings rushed to enact his will. In fear and in their sense of duty, they readied their weapons, energized the Dessecator, pushed buttons, twisted knobs, pulled levers, swabbed the poopdeck, battoned down the hatches, and called out, "Aye aye, Spasticus!" The snarling alien being addressed, grinned. If you could call it a grin. It looked more like the expression one has when that one is death incarnate and ready to attack small defenseless ants.

One alien called out the estimated time. "We'll be there in three shakes, Cap'n!" And Spasticus the snarler grinned again. He was ready to welcome the puny planet of Earth to the galaxy.

[Zanera]

TIME SKIP - THE NEXT MORNING

Driving around
Captain Calculator

The Infinite-mobile had been fueled, washed, had the oil changed and the gaskets refigured, and everything was good to roll - as well as a 20 year old family station wagon rolled. Captain Calculator had had a blast driving through Orient in a flash and picking up his companions, ready to go to the lecture series on radioactive materials. A thought had come to his mind as he drove picking the other Minnesota Infinites up (and of course, getting quite the shock when at the weird Scottish grandma's place, there was a young girl instead who hopped in the car. But hey! The Infinites can use all kinds). The thought Calculator had was one he shared aloud with the others in the car.

"So, there's a lot of people who have superpowers in Orient, Minnesota. A lot more than the mean average as compared to other places. I mean, I can shoot calculators. Teetotaler manipulates tea. All of us - even if we didn't grow up in Orient - haven't lost our abilities by being in Orient. And then, there are guys like the villains, you know, like Doc Bur-Ock who has the dangerous red tape he ensnares people in and his ability to conjure up all kinds of bureaucratic forms. There's Diet Cola who can shoot powerful streams of soft drinks out of his hands. And a whole other slew of villains. I was wondering. Do you suppose the reason this happened is because of all this radioactivity going on beneath the town of Orient? That wouldn't be a coincidence - statistically speaking, of course."

The Teetotaler, the elderly hero dressed in loud vibrant colors who always spoke with a noticeably fake British accent, slowly nodded his head. "Yes. Yes, my dear chap, you may indeed be right. That's a chipper thought. That all that radioactive material could have caused me to gain in my powers of manipulating tea. Hmm."

Calculator went on. "That, honestly, is one big reason I decided to come today to hear these scientists. I mean, other than that it beats having to read up on the latest IRS policies for my accounting business. But these two scientists, Drs. Rose N. Crantz and Gil Denstern are top-notch. If anyone would know about how radiation might affect people to have super powers, or help or hinder us who do have super powers, it would be these two. And they're here in our neighborhood, even."

Calculator pulled up and parked the car in a parking lot. The Infinites saw a fairly decent sized group of people in the town park, at the outdoor auditorium where the old town marching band used to play. Standing up by the bandshell on the stage was a podium with mikes. There were some distinguished looking people up there - the mayor, the town council, a few judges, even the former governor of Minnesota himself - and also the former professional wrestler, Jesse Ventura. With them were the distinguished guests. The scientists looked respectable, well-dressed for the occasion and chitchatting with each other.\

Finding some seats towards the back, Calculator led the other Infinites to sit down and hear the presentations. They still had about 5-10 minutes to spare.

---

Doc Bur-Ock

Doc Bur-Ock looked at the group of villains and smiled, in his sneering, condescending kind of way. The plan was simple. While the radioactive uranium and technetium were mined in the center of town, all the recovered samples had been brought up and moved to a storage facility close to the town park. There they were kept under a minimum security watch, mostly to prevent the clueless and souvenir seekers from wandering in and becoming mutant zombies by hanging out with all that treacherous, glowing green and dull gray minerals. As it was, the level of radioactivity from these samples and the signs that screamed, "Danger" led most people to avoid this place.

But the group formerly known as the Orient, Minnesota Supervillains' Club (new name pending due to increased bureaucratic hoops to have to jump through) were not most people. They were going to rob it. The minimum security consisted of a few locked doors and the town police officer standing outside.

So here was the plan. One of the villains would cause a distraction for the police. The others would break open the doors or pick the locks, and then finally, grab as many samples as needed. They had Doc Bur-Ock's fake bureaucratic form that authorized it, if they needed it. They also had the assurances of Diet Cola that his soft drink power would prevent and keep out the radioactivity from harming the villains.

The villains pulled up in Jason Dolor's car (which, coincidentally, was looking quite better than a year previous, when it had been blasted full of shotgun shell holes and at least one door had been removed. Parking it, they saw the crowd around the lecturing scientists maybe a block away. And they saw their goal in sight - there it was, the newly designed and constructed storage facility, with the lone police officer of Orient looking bored. What could possibly go wrong? Other than the fact that one of the Infinites had seen the villains pull up and recognized them as the villains...

Pill-OW! had heard a lot of bad stuff about radioactivity. When he saw the warehouse, those fears were raised further. "What if the radiation escapes and gives everyone a third eye, or six legs? Just imagine all the messed u-wow, look at that beat-up thing over by the warehouse! It's a wonder it still drives!"

[The Last Abode of Pando]

Ed and Aesculapius
There wasn't much to say about the car ride, except... No. Nothing to say about it. In the radiation conference Captain Calculator was talking about radiation and superheroes in Orient. Ed wanted to say, "Aesculapius and I came from Wisconsin, and Steve probably comes from space," but he decided against it; knowing that there were other Infinites groups out there. But then Pill-OW! saw that battered-up car and the twins turned, looking for the beat-up thing.

Aesculapius recognized it first, however, and he said, "Wait a minute... Ed. Hey Ed. Wasn't that Jason's car."

"Yeah. It looks like it is. It has a door now, though."

As the villains got out of the car, the twins could recognize some familiar costumes. Doc Bur-Ock. Florida Man. Chromedome. And also some new ones: a caveman, others. Ed suggested to the rest of the Minnesota Infinites that they should get up and head off in the direction of the villains, and it seemed that the rest of the heroes agreed.

Steve
Steve wasn't really sure if it had been inside the car or if it had just been flying, following the station wagon. Whatever the case, when the rest of the heroes got out of the vehicle it was in the sky. While the rest of them were sitting down, however, Steve was hovering in place in the atmosphere until someone saw him.

"Heeey, Steve. Nice to see you, man. How's it goin'?"

As usual, Steve didn't recognize this person, but it still tried to make small talk with whoever it was. It didn't go over very well. Steve said it joined the Minnesota Infinites, and proceeded to get a blank stare from the person.

When Aesculapius suggested that the Infinites go over to the villains by the car, Steve agreed. Naturally, Steve was the first one there, being light. Steve moved in front of the people, and from what it looked like, one guy recognized Steve as Steve. This man was covered in flames and metal, like some version of the Paranoid Android, but on fire.

Florida Man
Joshua James
Stepping Outside of Jason Dolor's Car
At the Radiation Conference
Towards the Back
With the Rest of the Villains
Walking In the General Direction of the Uranium
And Technetium
That Stuff's Radioactive
Really Radioactive
It'll Do Some Stuff
Still on Fire
And Lead
When is Joshua James Going to Kick the Bucket
I Don't Know
Probably in the Future
Does It Really Matter?
Probably Not
Maybe...
But Probably Not
But Maybe...
No. Definitely Not

"Hey Steve!" How're you doing, eh?"

Steve didn't know who this was, and this time decided to not say anything.

Joshua wasn't expecting anything to happen anyway, Steve was always distracted. Classic Steve.

"So, Steve. What do you want?"

...

[Ort]

Terry Mayhew a.k.a. Quizling

---

From a deterministic standpoint, his teammates' speculation about this recently discovered radioactive element's causal relationship to supernatural abilities manifesting amongst Orient's inhabitants had little substance. If you assume that these radioactive elements are A and Orient's inhabitants are B, then according to deterministic causation, A must always preclude B; anyone possessing superpowers must have come into contact with these aforementioned radioactive elements, which simply isn't true. Cum hoc ergo propter hoc, Latin for, "with this, therefore because of this," a questionable cause logical fallacy that's typically known as "correlation proves causation." Despite an obvious temptation to assume causality between two variables if there's an apparent correlation, it isn't an empirically sound assumption to make - especially since causality is an asymmetric relationship whilst correlation is symmetric, X causes Y and Y causes X aren't statistically identical realities - and thus, "correlation does not imply causation," is an exceptionally reasonable adage to adhere to. Terry could think of numerous examples - as you'd presumably expect - to support his argument: the number of fresh lemons imported from Mexico to the USA in metric tons and a total decrease in highway fatalities between 1996 and 2000; or the number of Nobel prizes won by a country - albeit adjusted for population - and per capita chocolate consumption; or Terry's favourite example, Earth's apparently increasing total pirate population dating back to 1620 and a rise in global average temperature suggesting that pirates are a prevailing cause of global warming.

Alternatively, adopting a probabilistic perspective towards his teammates' speculative statement didn't make their hypothesis appear as outright incorrect. Regardless, to properly assign a prior probability to his teammates' hypothesis he'd have to mentally construct a probabilistic directed acyclic graphical model to identify and consider alternative possibilities because, as his colleague had sensibly intoned, hyperbole permitting: what if the radiation escapes and gives everyone a third eye, or six legs? Radiation resulting in superpowers didn't eradicate considerably more likely eventualities, predominantly radiation's ability to cause cancer or birth defects; although, contemplating conditionally independent probabilities about cancer alone didn't present an appealing prospect, and that's assuming that all variables are Boolean.

Terry briefly considered explaining this to his teammates but decided against it, they couldn't possibly understand so attempting to explain would ultimately be an exercise in futility. Besides, whilst he'd been thinking, they'd reached their destination and taken their seats at the back only for someone - Terry hadn't yet bothered learning anyone's names, real or otherwise - had recognised a relatively decrepit station wagon and its occupants as their group's arch-rivals. Accordingly, his teammates had risen around him to pursue their foes but Terry, not particularly eager to engage in battle, decided he'd rather stay and watch the conference on these recently discovered radioactive elements. Terry proclaimed his intent to stay as his teammates got up to chase their enemies. "I'm going to stay and ... attempt to acquire a tactical advantage by obtaining any information that I can about these radioactive elements," he hadn't averted his gaze from the band shell, currently occupied by several local officials, including Orient's mayor (that's assuming that his garish sash wasn't simply a subtle ruse and the man who presently possessed it wasn't merely a body double, although as to why Orient's mayor ought to take such precautions to guard against any attempts on his life were beyond Terry's reasoning, unless that wasn't why the mayor had presumably contracted someone indistinguishable from himself in, so far as Terry could currently tell, every way; there were numerous other possibilities to consider before reaching any conclusions, the mayor could be agoraphobic ... or a vampire?), accompanied by two individuals that Terry recognised as Minnesota's former governor and retired professional wrestler, actor, author, political commentator, U.S. Navy veteran et cetera ad nauseum Jesse Ventura and another two other figures that he could only assume were doctors Rose N. Crantz and Gil Denstern; who'd dressed appropriately and stood to the side, conversing with one another whilst seemingly remaining oblivious of everyone else atop the stage.

They probably won't pay any attention to me anyway, thought Terry as his teammates, ignoring any prudent precautions, pursued their arch-enemies.

[Zjaum]

Henry "Hot Air" Hinshaw
Wausau, Wisconsin
June 25th, 2017

The world was in a craze for uranium and technetium. Henry's logic was as follows: when the public turns its gaze towards those two radioactive metals, they turn a blind eye to the other naturally-occurring radioactive metals, namely, thorium! And when they would least expect it, Hinshaw would strike, taking over Wausau, Wisconsin's thorium deposits and leaving with all the thorium! Then, when the public turns its eye back to other radioactive metals, they would be shocked to find the entire thorium deposit gone! Meanwhile, Henry could sell the thorium collected to... um, well, collectors?... and make a massive profit on the stuff he never had to purchase in the first place! Genius!

He landed just outside Wausau, Wisconsin, and just started shoving thorium-rich material into his empty backpack. He looked up after greedily stuffing his pack. Apparently, the world may have turned a blind eye, but the local town watch and security guards didn't. Now they stood, just a few meters away from him, confused but ready to take him into custody.

Henry was quick to action. "Hey, look! Is that a technetium deposit?"

"A technetium deposit?! Where?"

The guards all turned around and started looking for the technetium deposit. Meanwhile, Henry warmed his shoulders and began floating gently into the air. The weight of all the thorium-rich dirt was putting a heavy toll on his balloons, and he had to throw some ballast off, but he finally made it out before one of the guards shouted. "Waaaaait... there's no technetium here!"

Henry was happy at the overwhelming success of the endeavor, but he realized that he couldn't sell it without anyone getting suspicious. Thorium rockets, maybe? There's an idea...


Aubree "Goldilocks" Lincoln
Scientist Presentation
June 28th, 2017

Aubree didn't even realize that the Infinites were coming over. She'd taken on a side job working with other researchers at the uranium/technetium site. They wanted to test out how technetium and uranium behave around gold, as well as how it behaves around the human skin, so Aubree volunteered, killing two birds with one stone for them! For the past half-week, she sat in a room, watching scientists walk in, rub technetium against her skin, saying, "Hmmmmm...", writing on a clipboard, and leaving the room. She took a sneak peek at the clipboard one time; it was just doodles of 2D cats.

Unfortunately, the testing hours they wanted happened specifically on Thursday evenings, so she didn't have enough time to really attend the meetings with the Infinites. As soon as she saw their car, pull up, though, her face lit up. No, really. Apparently when technetium rubs against gold-reinforced skin for too long, the user's skin glows like a lampshade when any emotion is felt.

She ran over to the nearest Infinite (Colonel Calculator, I believe) and gave him a nice big hug. She already had a hug earlier this morning, but it was better to be safe than sorry...

[Mirigli]

Cleo Milcox

I stood back with the nerd as my goofball professional colleagues ran forward. Normally, I was always ready to take out my aggression on random strangers, but I was still mortified by my alter ego's show last night and was trying to stay out of the way.

My idea of an ideal Monday morning was sleeping, since Alma went on a pub crawl every night until the change. I now had an incredibly high alcohol tolerance, at least. But for the first time I had a job, so I guess I had to be more responsible or something. They didn't pay me enough for this. Some stupid lecture or something -- it was like school. At least there was some nerd to give a wedgie to. I kinda miss high school.

Alma woke up from her hangover in the back of my head.

-Where's th' braw cheil ah was flirtin' wi' lest nicht?

-I'd hardly call groping his nonexistent biceps flirting. More like assault. I'm not going to help you run after some kid six thousand years younger than you.

-Whatever ye say, lass, i'll gie mah opportunity tonecht. Whit ah dornt kin is wa yoo're watchin' devil metals when ye coods be beatin' th' livin' jobby it ay some innocent bystander. it's nae loch ye.

-I'm a superhero now, Hag. I'm supposed to refrain from beating people up, it's not socially acceptable, or at least my therapist says so.

-But they're superheroes, an' they're daein' it!

-Peer pressure and mob mentality. You make a good point.

-Ye ken whit else makes a guid point? Ye- I tune out the sinful thoughts of my inner monster and surge forward, both with the aim of apologizing to the guy I/she assaulted last night and of beating the jobby out of a socially-acceptable target.

[Talchyon]

The lecture at the park
Captain Calculator

Henry "Hot Air" Hinshaw
Wausau, Wisconsin
June 25th, 2017

Aubree "Goldilocks" Lincoln
Scientist Presentation
June 28th, 2017

Aubree didn't even realize that the Infinites were coming over. She'd taken on a side job working with other researchers at the uranium/technetium site. They wanted to test out how technetium and uranium behave around gold, as well as how it behaves around the human skin, so Aubree volunteered, killing two birds with one stone for them! For the past half-week, she sat in a room, watching scientists walk in, rub technetium against her skin, saying, "Hmmmmm...", writing on a clipboard, and leaving the room. She took a sneak peek at the clipboard one time; it was just doodles of 2D cats.

Unfortunately, the testing hours they wanted happened specifically on Thursday evenings, so she didn't have enough time to really attend the meetings with the Infinites. As soon as she saw their car, pull up, though, her face lit up. No, really. Apparently when technetium rubs against gold-reinforced skin for too long, the user's skin glows like a lampshade when any emotion is felt.

She ran over to the nearest Infinite (Colonel Calculator, I believe) and gave him a nice big hug. She already had a hug earlier this morning, but it was better to be safe than sorry...

Captain Calculator had learned by experience that some people were just huggers. Annoyingly so, but that's how they were. The costumed accountant-themed superhero (with the built-in pocket protector in his superhero suit) had learned from experience that Princess Goldilocks, Aubrey, was one of them. He had already had two hugs from her this morning. But the one thing about getting a hug from Aubrey was that you couldn't hug her too tight, not with her oversensitive and always-full bladder. You never knew when the smallest amount of pressure would make for an unpleasant encounter. And this, despite the fact that she was a 7 foot tall golden girl! So Calculator had just given her the smallest and lightest of hugs back. Hopefully she was empty...

Pill-OW! had heard a lot of bad stuff about radioactivity. When he saw the warehouse, those fears were raised further. "What if the radiation escapes and gives everyone a third eye, or six legs? Just imagine all the messed u-wow, look at that beat-up thing over by the warehouse! It's a wonder it still drives!"

As he got ready to listen to the lecture by Drs. Rose N. Crantz and Gil Denstern, just then Pill-OW saw something. A badly beat-up car, with one car door that was a different color than the rest of the car. Calculator turned and looked, and saw Steve zap on over there. Wait a minute. He had seen that car before. Before another old abandoned warehouse. When was that? Was that a client? No! Wait! Those were the villains!

With the Siamese twins, Calculator, the Teetotaler, Coathangerman and Glitch ran over with the rest of the heroes. Save for Terry, the Quizling. He apparently said he wanted to gain a tactical advantage by learning about the radiation. As he started running, Calculator said, "Great, Terry! Good idea! We're going to need as much knowledge about this radioactive material as we can get! The rest of you, come with me! I know that car. I know those people. They're our enemies! The villains! And we will see what evil plot they're up to!"

As they ran across the street, which, conveniently, happened to be a street that intersected with Old Abandoned Warehouse Lane (hence the old abandoned warehouse next to the park), the villains saw them. First, of course, they saw Steve. "Hi, Steve" the villains said in unison. And then looked at each other odd, as if they had rehearsed this. And then saw the other heroes racing up to them.

Doc Bur-Ock took the lead. "Why, look, fellas. It's our old friends, the Minnesota Infinites. Nice morning, huh? You guys getting in your daily exercise and stopping evil trees from kidnapping cats? Because I know that if ever my cat is stuck up in a tree, I know the first people to call."

Calculator: "Villains! I don't know what you're up to, but you won't get away with it!"

Doc Bur-Ock: "If you're trying to insinuate that I and my friends here were trying to do anything, say, evil and threatening to the entire world, well, of course you'd be wrong. We were just... um... coming to this old abandoned warehouse to play cards. Um. Right. Old maid. Love that game."

Calculator wasn't buying it. "If you came to play cards, then where are your cards?"

Doc Bur-Ock (sweating): "Well, ok, we don't actually have the cards with us. We must have forgotten to grab them on the way out. You know how it goes, right, when you forget things."

Calculator: "You weren't going to play cards at all. No one comes to an old abandoned warehouse to play cards. You were up to something. You and Diet Cola, and the driver of this really ugly car with the one door that doesn't match the other three, and this little orange-suited girl with really weird hair, and the incredible hulk of burning metal who's moaning out in dire pain, and all of you others! You're up to no good!"

Doc Bur-Ock: "Why, my dear Captain Calculator. You wound me. Not physically, you understand. But the thought that I and my friends would be up to no good, hurts me. Right here." And clutching at his heart in mock pain, Doc Bur-Ock pretended to be emotionally overwhelmed. The other villains snickered to themselves. They hadn't done anything yet. And as long as Doc Bur-Ock could keep talking, the heroes might leave. And then they could do what they came to do. Steal the samples!

Diet Cola had an idea. "Yeah, Calculator. We're just friendly guys who like to play Old Maid. Say. I got an idea. Why don't you and I and all the rest of your Infinite buddies head on back over there to that lecture. And I'll get you some diet cola, and we can all have a nice drink while we listen to old stuffy academic-types talking about weird glowing rocks. Sound good to you?"

Calculator didn't like it. Something was up. He just couldn't tell what it was. But the villains were right. They hadn't done anything wrong. That he knew of. Looking at the other Infinites, he wanted to see what they were thinking...

[Mirigli]

I cough, aware that Nerd 2.0 had forgotten my new addition to the team. "I say we preemptively beat them up, and then play Old Maid." Alma cackles, and I smile. She kills at Old Maid.

[Ort]

Terry Mayhew a.k.a. Quizling

---

While his teammates ran headlong to confront their arch-rivals, Terry casually leaned back in his seat, produced a packet of peanuts (a bizarre misnomer since peanuts aren't actually 'nuts' according to the botanical definition, they're actually a legume crop, belonging to the family Fabaceae) and - as the bag clearly instructed - made a slight tear along its seam and began consuming its contents; tossing individual peanuts into the air and attempting to catch them in his mouth, albeit unsuccessfully.

[Talchyon]

Lecture at the park
Drs. Rose N. Crantz and Gil Denstern

"Ladies and gentlemen, first let us thank you for your hospitality while we have been here the last several months. Your town of Orient and all the people we have met and worked with have been gracious and very friendly. Thank you again." The distinguished Dr. Rose N. Crantz said.

After a few more introductory pleasantries, the lecture began to address the topic of radiation, beginning at the most basic, Jr. High level about what radiation is, and a few historical facts about radiation, mentioning notable scientists such as Marie Curie. Then Dr. Gil Denstern said,

"The samples that were found in Orient were analyzed, and when we saw them up close, we got really excited. First, technetium is really rare, and to find such a large quantity is unheard of. Second, the samples all had some unusual qualities we weren't expecting to see. This strain not only gave off dangerous radiation, but it also began affecting other things. Like my watch. All of a sudden, my digital watch stops telling the simple time and starts giving me a news feed! As I checked it out, it seemed like the samples had connected my watch to the Internet of all things."

Dr. Rose N. Crantz continued. "So we began other tests on these samples,to see what else they can do. We think it is safe to say that this strain of radioactive material is the most unusual strain of radioactive mineral that has ever been discovered. We are still in the process of analyzing them to see what all they do and what their properties are like. But we are very excited about this and have a lot to look forward to. I guess are there any questions before we continue?"

---

Captain Calculator

"Well, so that's one for fighting," nodding to the younger girl who had replaced the Scottish grandma, who he certainly had not forgotten about before, because that would have been really careless of him if he had forgotten her or any of his Minnesota Infinites team. "Anyone else for committing assault?"

---

Spasticus the Snarler

The ever dangerous and angry looking alien captain, with his ship approaching the 6th planet of the solar system, gave a command to beam out a commessage to planet Earth. The message delivery system shot out from the huge ship, trailing a visible energy beam that was connected to the ship. The message delivery unit rocketed towards Earth, bringing communication that would not be expected. The message delivery unit was a huge silver cylinder leading by one of its flat ends. The captain knew he had to send out the message delivery system, because from space, no one can hear you scream. Ok, well scratch that. There are some beings that can hear you scream in space, and they always tell you to shut up if you scream too much. For the sake of not annoying such sensitive ears, and also to make sure that his message was delivered, Spasticus the Snarler chose this method of communications delivery.

As the cylinder approached Earth, it entered the atmosphere at a conveniently safe angle so as not to burn up. The cylinder and its energy beam had been sent to the location of the disturbance that had been detected earlier on the ship. It looked like an old fashioned can on a string children's fake telephone toy from generations ago, only it was sleek silver and energy instead of tin cans and string. The cylinder flew through air and stopped - above Orient, Minnesota! Then it began to make strange unheard-of weird alien snarling noises. The lecture q and a stopped, as everyone heard the alien noises with not the least fear and trepidation...

[Zanera]

Pill-OW!
By an Abandoned Warehouse Full of Highly and Extremely Dangerous and Radioactive Minerals Called Rocks

---

"We must stop these villains from carrying out their evil plans, whatever their plans may be! Plus, heroes can't commit assault. Only bad guys can commit assault."

Just then, a shiny thing from the sky started to appear. It seemed like a normal giant metal cylinder coming from outer space, so he returned his attention back to the villains. The cylinder might even be a distraction!