THE NEW ARC
Since the town of Orient is like many small towns, their newspaper comes out once a week, on Wednesday. Here's what the Orient newspaper had in it this week...
News from the Orientvol. 88, no. 126, June 28, 2017WHEN ROCKS GLOWby Sheila Weston, beat reporter
In what is being cautiously called as the biggest thing to happen to Orient since sliced cheese, the town of Orient received startling news that is making national waves. The discovery of a large, underground mine of Uranium and the rare-earth element Technetium beneath Orient has sent shock waves through the nation. These radioactive elements were discovered beneath the site of the former Zeke Enterprises skyscraper building after the company decided to move last year. The contractors had been hired to help move the entire 50-story skyscraper, which came off surprisingly well. But during the move, one construction worker noticed glowing rocks. He first allegedly tried to do a shadow puppets show with his hands, making silhouettes of a bunny, a snake and Justin Bieber in the glowing green light. However, he soon came to his senses and alerted his superior. And soon the news spread.
Residentsof Orient are being cautiously advised by the mayor and the town council to just act like normal. No notices about the safety of the drinking water or crops grown near Orient have been given. Still, if you notice that your refreshing glass of water is glowing green and throbbing, we hope that common sense would tell you to not drink that and get something more hygienic.
Inother news, Geiger counter sales have skyrocketed.GOVERNMENT RESEARCHERS COME TO ORIENTby Randall Gervious, beat reporter
After the discovery of the radioactive elements beneath the town of Orient, the federal government has sent researchers to head up the project of public safety and retrieval. Dr. Rose N. Crantz of Princeton and Dr. Gil Denstern of Stanford have been tabbed to oversee the project. Dr. Crantz is the head researcher on Technetium and its effects on microwave popcorn at Princeton. Dr. Denstern leads the Stanford Association of Ferrous Explosions, or S.A.F.E., when he's not playing internet games. The town of Orient welcomes the two scholars and is assured we are in good hands in this unusual time.Dr. Gil DensternDr. Rose N. CrantzLOCAL MAN RECOGNIZEDby Everette White, beat reporter
It was not always easy. After the devastating nature of alcoholism had consumed much of his personal relationships, a local man knew he needed help. And he got it, helping to begin the Orient, Minnesota Alcoholics Anonymous chapter. Not only did he overcome his own personal alcoholism. But he proved helpful to others in the same dark situation.
This man only allowed us to print his first name. His name is, "Jerry." We said "Hi" to him.
Recently, Jerry was recognized by the state chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous for his commitment to the cause. Over 100 people from various communities and towns have been helped to give up the bottle and lead a sober life. Jerry received a nice plaque, not for his teeth but the other kind you hang on the wall. He will formally be recognized for this at the next local Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, which meets Thursdays at 7:00 p.m. at the Orient Legion Hall. Refreshments will be served afterwards.
The public is invited. Congratulations are well deserved. Way to go, Jerry.Late on Filing Taxes? I can HelpAdvertisement
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Date - A Thursday in late June, 2017
Time - 7:00 p.m. CST
Place - The Orient, Minnesota town Legion Hall, room #2.
Glitch
Dude. There are just some moments in life that are epic. And yuh know? So far my life has had a ton of epic momentses, an' all. One day, I'll have my own comic book. The comic book people just haven't come searched me out yet. But for epicness, it's like when you get your pinky caught in the door of an elevator, and then after hours of wrenching it out, it finally works and ya have your fingers back? That's like, total epic of all pics. That happens to me more than most people. That's because not only can I make people dumb for short periods of time an' all. I can also make things suck, without even trying. Even the 'open doors' button on elevators. So like, I was pressin' the button, and it decided to go on a long coffee break because it wasn't workin'? Dude. That's why it took so long to wrench my finger out. It may seem like the lamest of superpowers, but in all actuality, dude, I may not look like your typical hero thought guy with the bulging biceps and super speed. But I could take down the Hulk. And Wolverine. And Aquaman. All at once. It's just that no one knows it. And anyway, I've seen worse powers than what I have. That's because I'm also a proud member of the Minnesota Infinites.
Ohyeah. Dude. I'm also kind of your friendly narration guy who you hear like when some things are needing to be told that the official news won't tell. My name's Glitch. I'm your guy. An' all. And what I'm about to tell you was another kind of epic. Beyond epic. This saga is like epical. Epiliptic. Epsilon-esque. It beat epic with a ten foot pole. An' all that other stuff. How to begin this death-defying, saga of heroism and bravery above what anyone would have ever expected? By talkin' about where all our stories of epic awesomeness begins. At the weekly meeting of the Minnesota Infinites on Thursday nights in room #2 of the Orient Legion Hall. Yuh have to cross through the first room where all the people are who say, "Hi, my name is George." "Hi, George." But ours is a lot cooler of a meeting.
So like, our weekly Infinites' meeting was in rare form that day, dude. Corporal Cosine-in-ator was like spewing out his knowledge of all matters Infinites. Like, 'parently, we nabbed a jaywalker the other day. Well, kind of. He just like laughed at us when we tried to put him under citizen's arrest and all, and then just kept on jaywalking and ignoring us? And it was kind of late, so we had to let him go? But I consider that a win for us, and a moral victory, which you can never have to much of, yuh know. Dude. An' oh yeah! Ever since the cat food factory moved to town, like, we've been like helping cats get out of trees nonstop. The humane society is getting kind of annoyed at us an' all the cats we bring in, but they have their role to play, we have ours.
Anyway, I don't remember the rest of the meeting itself. Something about how we like still have no money. An' like we had a 125 page report sent in by Fruit Passion guy about like how hiccups detract from your psychic energy or something. Corporal Cosine-in-ator just kind of filed that and told us we didn't have to pay attention. Not like I was anyway. Dude. I'm not one for like sitting on your haunches. I'm a man of action. So I was quite pleased when the meeting got done, and it was time to enjoy the delicious refreshments that had been brought to the meeting. I guess we also had some new people with us at this meeting. Sweetness. I wanted to meet them all. Fighting side by side with these equally awesome Minnesota Infinites is what I live for. When I'm not like watching bad sitcoms an' all. Dude.
Anyway,as I was tryin' to say. This is like how this all-engaging saga of heroic epicness began. It was after that meeting that all things epic began to happen to us.
The Club that was formerly named the Orient, Minnesota Super Villains Club
The basement of Ulterior Motive Man's house
Doctor Bureaucracy ("Doc Bur-Ock")
The glower on the face of the supervillain in the front of the room was a typical expression these days. Ever since they had to abandon meeting in the warehouse that got destroyed by anvils and paper airplanes, Doc Bur-Ock was in a foul mood. It didn't help that Ulterior Motive Man's mother had come down and was trying to clean up around the other supervillains, chattering on in a friendly way about how she uses all the coupons she ever gets. He had to ignore her.
"Villains! As you know, we still have the Minnesota Infinites around! These do-gooders always thwart our plans! They have to be stopped! Humiliated! Exposed as the fools they are. And then, this exposure needs to be signed in triplicate and notarized, before being filed.
"The good thing is, we have a great opportunity now! Now that these radioactive elements have been found beneath Orient, we can put that to good use! Just think how the Infinites will be tripping all over themselves to stop us! And we'll rule the day! No, I don't know exactly what we do with this radioactive material. And no, I don't know exactly how we're going to get it. But that's the situation, and we'll use it for our nefarious schemes!" Doc Bur-Ock snickered to himself, which, when others heard, thought it sounded like a 12 year old kid would sound like when he was trying to sound older than he was.
Doc Bur-Ock concluded. "Ok, then! Meeting's done. Refreshments time. Oh yeah. I guess we also have some new villains with us. Go and meet the new guys over some cookies. And maybe talk amongst yourselves about how we can use this radioactivity for our villainous purposes."
Space.
Quite some distance from Earth, as the crow flies.
(Because, of course, crows don't fly in space).
A large vessel turned. It's coordinates had been changed. Now, it was heading for some backwater planet called Earth. The captain of the ship smiled. If you could call it a smile. Actually, it looked more like an evil glare. But trust me. The captain was smiling. You didn't want to see it when it made an evil glare.
If only the inhabitants of this backwater Earth knew what was in store for them.