Nepharan Domestic Newswire - the Zenith

by **Nephara** » Mon Dec 26, 2016 4:27 pm

Season 66 Preview

LAST SEASON

Pos Team                      P   W   D   L  For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 AFC Treason              46  27  10   9   90  50  +40  91
  2 Brinemouth               46  27   9  10  114  54  +60  90
  3 Sabrefell Athletic       46  25  11  10   77  42  +35  86
  4 Creed United             46  26   7  13   81  61  +20  85
  5 Brookford Otters         46  23  14   9   83  55  +28  83
  6 Starling                 46  23  13  10   72  43  +29  82
  7 Sabrefell Moths          46  23  11  12   92  60  +32  80
  8 Vermillion Rage          46  23  11  12   78  57  +21  80
  9 Crisisbless              46  22  10  14   74  58  +16  76
 10 Coret Hawks              46  22   8  16   67  50  +17  74
 11 Violence Chariots        46  20   9  17   83  89   -6  69
 12 North Laithland          46  18   7  21   68  74   -6  61
 13 Chenoworth Harriers      46  16  12  18   61  80  -19  60
 14 Parrhesia United         46  16  10  20   64  75  -11  58
 15 Bishop                   46  15  11  20   45  58  -13  56
 16 Chatswood                46  15   9  22   48  66  -18  54
 17 Newrook City             46  14  11  21   44  60  -16  53
 18 West Brinemouth          46  12  11  23   30  60  -30  47
 19 Maximum Rovers           46  11  13  22   58  79  -21  46
 20 Goodfeather FC           46  12   8  26   56  89  -33  44
 21 Maximum City             46   9  16  21   51  76  -25  43
 22 Sheridan                 46  10   9  27   31  64  -33  39
 23 Armstrong                46   7  15  24   40  76  -36  36
 24 South Laithland          46   6  15  25   40  71  -31  33

  1 Corvette Maulers          46  30   5  11  79  34  +45  95
  2 AFC Serpentine            46  29   7  10  74  41  +33  94
  3 Cranequin Wanderers       46  25  14   7  83  44  +39  89
  4 Leichhardt                46  22  16   8  57  27  +30  82
  5 Raven River               46  24  10  12  80  51  +29  82
  6 Extreme Hills             46  19  16  11  75  57  +18  73

TOP SCORERS
28 - Johnson (SFM)
27 - Scafidis (BRI)
25 - Loeher (BRO)
24 - Cantor (TRE)
22 - Voeller (VIC)
21 - Cantor (STA)
19 - Bottlegreen (BRI), Farrier (CRD), Stavanger (CRU)
18 - Antonio (COH), Lucassen (SFA)
17 - Silkman (BRI), Curtis (BRO)
16 - West (CHH), Redmayne (CRI), Meier (SFM), Portsgate (TRE)

AWARDS
Iron Boot (Goals Scored): Aaliyah Johnson (SFM)
Iron Ball (Player of the Year): Konrad Gosforth (BRI)
Iron Heart (U-21 Player of the Year): Sieglinde Lohengrin (CRI)
Iron Fist (Debutant of the Year): Conan McMillan (CRD)
Team of the Year: Hargrave (STA); Koehler (STA), Belfast (BRO), Katskalidis (TRE), Lovelock (SFA); McMillan (CRD), Gosforth (BRI), Sarracena (SFA), Meier (SFM); Scafidis (BRI), Johnson (SFA) - Bench: Ballard (TRE); Gerhardt (SFA), Vyntra (TRE), Alemane (VRR), Labonne (TRE), Bottlegreen (BRI), Loeher (BRO)
Managers of the Year: Ezekiel Statham (CRD)

by **Nephara** » Mon Dec 26, 2016 4:27 pm

by **Nephara** » Mon Dec 26, 2016 4:28 pm

by **Nephara** » Fri Jan 06, 2017 3:20 am

Before the season proper starts, the Stags and Moths end their preseason with a curtain-raiser at the new 28,000-capacity Phoenix Rise, a stadium that is an integral part of the eventual plan to be a proper capital side. League champions versus Cup champions - and named after the manager, Gethin Ramsey, who not only dragged Nephara’s national team into the modern era but has a world record to his name after taking three different sides (Nephara, the Licentian Isles and his current charges, Cosumar) to the World Cup. Both sides bring out mostly first-choice lineups, and the Moths go out all guns blazing. Hargreaves lashes a strike past Gideon Fletcher and then sets up Meier for a second, but in the second half, the Stags fight back. It’s a straightforward enough header from Fraser, first, and then he’s in the right place at the right time, seemingly drifting in the middle of nowhere but he turns out to be perfectly-placed as a glancing header falls onto his volleying boot. But it doesn’t avail his side - the teams are split after 120 minutes. Fletcher saves one penalty - but Caravella saves three, and it’s the Moths who take this trophy home. Is it a meaningless friendly or a sign of things to come? … Who can really tell, so far?

They both end up playing controversial local side AFC Corvistone as well, a side that counts four Premiership veterans amongst their ranks, including Maximum City’s defensive partnership throughout most of last season. They’re expected to win the Second Division by a canter, though they’ll be doing so in a much smaller local stadium. Schottian winger Jack Brier opens the scoring against Sabrefell Moths and Caspar Roe doubles the advantage within ten minutes, but the Moths (well, their B-listers) hammer five goals past Soren Johan (Nevaeh Cathar with a hat-trick!) to an ultimate 5-3 victory (Krista Morham with a perfect through-ball for former Goodfeather FC stalwart Bardsley to sidefoot home a consolation). Treason aren’t having any of that, though, and just pump the Ravens 5-0 - Servet Misidjan delivering an eyecatching performance from midfield.

And the season kicks off! Finally! And… Jesus Christ. There’s some stunners here! Okay, so a drab 1-0 win by Maximum City over West Brinemouth, settled by a thumping drive from Niko Rosmalen, lets the team down somewhat - but almost everywhere else? Crisisbless remind the Maulers what the top tier is like, and Allison Swan gets a hat-trick of assists on debut, Ozaria Gandhi a brace of well-taken finishes as she’s simply given far too much room time and again, 4-0 the final score. Chatswood aim to show Serpentine what it’s like at the top, too - and they lead 2-1 at half-time. But cometh the hour, cometh the Mason, as the hitherto silent striker figuratively bursts into flame and lashes a brace past Middlesbrough to give Serpentine a vital three points away. The Chariots? Well, it’s a classic match they have as Matilda Heisenberg takes over the Otters - red cards for Siorrha’Asione and Lilith Paterson allow a comfortable 4-2 lead to become a 4-5 capitulation, with Kestrel the catalyst. But best of all? Maximum Rovers 6, with an unshackled Senturk inspirational from his new attacking midfield role, Goodfeather FC 4, Lexi Farrakhan lighting the game up in the last ten minutes as she’s hurled on from the bench and scoring a consolation goal with a backheel. Rutger Kolar, it’s fair to say, has a nightmare on his debut. But it’s in Coret where the real subplot kicks off - Gabriella Antonio’s Hawks might have been overrun by national teammate Andisori’s Passerines, but her consolation goal in the 79th, a neat half-volley that blindsided Hargrave, ensured that Andisori owed her dinner that night after a bet made public in a recent interview.

Oh dear. Maximum City get annihilated by Chenoworth Harriers as their central defence just hasn’t quite clicked yet. Peta-Gaye West has tons of space and uses it all, making the most of uncertainty from Napthine in particular, but the real culprits are the fullbacks being unable to cope with Feist/Crowe and Bekkwaters/Barthez (and Bairstow, later) down the flanks. The Smiths… can’t defend? Creed United are… even worse. Mathis Woodgate seems to be wondering what kind of trainwreck he’s joined - the side’s already in danger of crashing out of the Champions’ Cup, but a 5-0 defeat at home to the Moths? Admittedly, an aging Hereford (soon on a yellow card) against Meier is not a fair fight down the left, and Livesey picks up a red at 3-0 after 70 minutes, but… were it not for Woodgate’s saves, it’d be looking close to double figures. Brinemouth are almost shocked by Serpentine and again it’s the exuberant, lightning-quick Carrie Mason repeatedly finding time and space to shoot beyond Vintner - but there’s too much class at the other end. Hartson will be dearly disappointed at being beaten at his near post for Bartley to lash home a late winner, but plenty of good signs for the Dragons early on.

Creed United suffer their third straight defeat - the Spiders inflict a punishing 3-1 defeat on them, and it has to be said that they probably expected their big new expensive goalkeeper to not let Tsikitsiris’ weak shot trickle through his near post. Stavanger equalises but the Spiders secure their deserved victory late, a screamer by Stenet before substitute Damian Keogh all but passes the ball into the net. The Hawks set the tone for their match against Treason when Isidra Jeurissen finds a bit of space inside Westmead and somehow lashes the ball into the top corner in the second minute. The Stags never recover - they shut down the strikers well enough but more distant strikes without enough pressure are provided by Montague and McDonald for a chastening 3-0 home defeat. The Hawks, you’d imagine, would be happy with that as vindication for their top 6 aspirations. Player of the round is undoubtedly Maxine Edelgrau, though - the Chariots goalkeeper makes eleven saves in a typical free-flowing affair against Vermillion and keeps a clean sheet. At the other end, Siorrha’Asione’s brace ensures the Sabrefell side return home with the three points.

Christ. Form means nothing. Edelgrau was brilliant against the Rage, while the Moths were held to a scoreless draw last match - and yet, the Chariots are pumped 6-0 at home, not that Edelgrau gets any help from her hapless defence. Raskin in particular is substituted off at half-time after being predictably dominated by Meier - Machalat Sauber, a fresh-faced 21-year old, hardly does any better.

UICA Qualifying Roundup
Qualifying has concluded, and it was pretty torrid.Sabrefell Athletic got cleaned out 5-1 away by La Nueva Avenida after a scoreless home draw and Creed United were also well beaten after a visit to Tanrisal - leaving Treason and Brinemouth to contest the Champions’ Cup.

The Moths were on the receiving end of a terrible upset as Ethani side Loconstead beat them 3-1 in Sabrefell and held on in the home leg to go through. But Athletic and Creed, at least, managed a comfortable pair of wins over Yeaddin and a thumping pair of wins over obscure Oberklasse respectively. They will join Starling and the Otters in the Globe Cup to make six UICA qualifiers in all.

Newrook break their string of four defeats.
Crisisbless are the early front-runners, it seems - five straight wins, just two goals conceded, and a massive favour done for them by the Moths. They won their last match 6-0, Treason won theirs 4-0, and it’s looking like an exhilarating prospect… and in a way it proves it. Certainly for the Moths supporters, as Gerhard Thunder’s lads pulverise the Stags 5-1! Naturally, it’s Aaliyah Johnson doing most of the damage as she continues to stake a claim to being the world’s best striker. Athletic, though, beat Vermillion 5-0 across town with five different scorers, while Brinemouth annihilate an abject, pointless Goodfeather FC 6-0. The Quakers already look relegated, in all honesty, and someone seems to have kidnapped the real Rutger Kolar and replaced him with a fan from the stands. Meanwhile, in Corvette, the Maulers are forced to learn the hard way that the way to deal with disciplined, proficient counterattackers like Bishop is not to keep overextending to run at them - they lose 4-1 at home, and all the goals are basically identical.

Form is meaningless this week. Vermillion Rage recover from a 5-0 defeat at the hands of Athletic to thump the Rovers 4-0, Purrington and Alemane carving them apart. Treason find a panacea in ripping Lara Finch’s Spiders to shreds to earn bragging rights in northwestern Crownsend, Tarashaj with a goal, an assist and a red card for elbowing Parable in the face and becoming an instant hero in the process. But what happens when Athletic and the Moths, who each scored five last match, face off? Admittedly, the Moths are in flying form, and had only conceded twice all season… riiight up until Andrea Bereveskos scored her first, second and third goals for her new club to round out a 6-3 win for Athletic. But spare a thought for the dreary scoreless draw in Bishop - it’s Goodfeather FC’s first point of the season.

Odd day for Rutger Kolar between the posts for the Quakers - conventional wisdom in Newrook stated that he’d been given up on too early for an inferior replacement in Summersteen, while Goodfeather fans think (rightly) he’s been terrible all season and really should be dropped. As it happens, he’s not dropped, and makes a few good saves as, thanks to Maxine Lynwood’s first goals of the season, Goodfeather pick up a first win despite a late screamer from Plibersek. An unhappy homecoming for Chloe Rudden - not because she’s booed or anything, she’s still beloved at the Bluegrass, but because North Laithland pump her side 4-0 and Karsten Riordan kicks her a lot. There’s another 4-0 scoreline in Maximum, as the Moths pump the Rovers, but most eyes are on City. As always, they put up a fight against Treason, this time of a more constructive variety - standout star Niko Rosmalen with a 20-yard chip of Ballard before his direct free kick is deflected heavily past the flat-footed goalkeeper by Katskalidis. Roddy Fraser misses a complete sitter and looks abnormally demotivated, eventually hauled off after 50 minutes. And, worst of all, Dejan Corvell is played through one-on-one with Ballard… and while he doesn’t score, he breaks her arm. Gideon Fletcher is thrown on, and the away side are mad - almost immediately, Cantor blats one into the top corner out of nowhere, before in the 85th minute the pressure finally tells and Woodspur curls one beyond Jelic. But, inevitably, it takes until injury time… and a moment of magic from Gareth Westmead, cutting inside, beating three defenders, finding himself somehow in a central attacking midfield position, shrugging and smashing it into the stanchion for an unforgettable 3-2 win.

Creed finally win a game - one of seven 2-0 home victories on a day where nobody actually drew. One of these is a Treason derby, and unsurprisingly it’s the Stags who breeze to a 2-0 win. Chatswood do alright, considering, but that unstoppable Lineker fire’s gone, and they lack the cutting edge to get past Gideon Fletcher deputising between the posts for the hosts. Vermillion Rage have the match of the round, a 6-3 thriller against Cranequin Wanderers (Luna Castelen does not have her best match) but Violence Chariots win even more plaudits with a concerted 6-1 destruction of Serpentine, who appear to be struggling in the central midfield as Ashley Keoman struggles to adapt to Premiership level and Ranulf Emmerich battles a niggling calf injury. But special credit is due to Maximum Rovers, who visit North Laithland and come away with a 4-0 win thanks largely to the brilliance of Aziz Senturk… and, surprisingly, a shift up front. Klaus Murdoch, their big attacking signing, snapped his ACL last match and is likely out for the season. In comes Konstanze Luitgard… and in her first start of the season, ratchets up a brace.

The Maximum derby is actually really bad and boring, a 1-1 draw without even any red cards to talk about. But it’s not the most exciting week in general - though a highlight, you’d imagine, is Newrook City utterly dominating Brinemouth, defending tooth and nail and scoring twice off set pieces - Rivello heads home a corner, Sanna curls a free kick straight past Vintner. West Brinemouth manage 16% possession against Violence Chariots, fail to muster a shot (not ‘shot on target’. Zero shots attempted) and, impressively, only lose 1-0, Asher Voeller flicking a header past Henna Morgan in the 35th minute to pave the way for a collective sigh of relief around the stadium.

Serpentine have conceded 17 goals in their last four games. Perhaps unsurprisingly, they’ve lost them all. The most recent is Sabrefell Athletic, simply far too fluid for them all over the pitch, and Sadler’s attempts to just dominate the opposition appear to come unstuck against the superior central midfields being encountered. The captain, Gareth Hartson… well, his confidence is clearly shot, as he passes straight to Bereveskos for the first goal. But they at least do one better- well, less worse, than the Saints, demolished 5-0 by Starling as Claudia Cautcher nets four. Keira Andisori was rested for the upcoming Globe Cup match, so the scoreline could’ve been far worse. Credit’s due to Corvette Maulers, incidentally, who go to Gargoyle’s Court with one mandate - to attack. It works for them, in a 3-2 victory - but they’re helped as Lukas Sparr, patchy up to this point in the season, makes ten saves.

Hmph. Back down to earth, then. And in rather chastening fashion for the Stags who can’t break through Somer City, largely through the Electrum side’s sheer defensive grit. Those are three words that aren’t traditionally associated with either Brinemouth or La Nueva, and the bookies were probably scratching their heads as the very long odds on under 2.5 goals came to fruition.

It’s not pretty, but Nepharim sides get it done. Four matches, four wins, four clean sheets. Three 1-0 scorelines, no less. Stavanger header sees off Fadroen, Andisori half-volley sees off Arlington, Kestrel penalty sees off Tele. Athletic, at least, are the only Nepharim side in the entire round of either UICA tournament to score more than just the one goal! They play some truly stylish football, with 34-year old Ole Oehman playing out of his skin out of position and with the armband in the heart of midfield as captain Castellan was injured.

Despite a lightning start, the Saints are reeling - one point from four, now, as the Chariots destroy them 3-0 at home right after Starling had already pumped them 5-0 the last match. Goodfeather continue to be incredibly bad, and despite a career of solid service… dear God, someone please get Kolar out of the firing line. If it’s any consolation, which it really isn’t, Ethan Candelario does well in defensive midfield after Bierofka and Dietrich (returned from injury) had both been trialled and failed. He does well for thirty-three minutes, hacks down Hargreaves twice in the same run of play and is sent off. The Quakers lose 4-0 at home. Matilda Heisenberg’s Otters take the fight to Brinemouth and rip them apart 3-1, with Nikita Loeher scoring with three of her seven touches before being taken off in the 71st minute. The Dockers, meanwhile, squander the chances they’ve got. But credit is due to Chenoworth Harriers… leading 3-0 at half-time against the Stags, but cut back to 3-3, Woodspur cuts inside, Culpepper panicks and kicks her down… but Fraser looks aghast as his penalty is lashed over the bar. Within two minutes, in injury time? Raphael Somner’s strike from range is deflected past Fletcher, and the Harriers have a famous win to savour.

Teams scrap it out at the bottom of the ladder. Not many of these matches are ever hugely significant for neutrals, but some can sure as hell be exciting. Okay, so sometimes you need to be flexible with your definition of ‘excitement’ - a scoreless draw after 120 minutes between Conference minnows Masculine and Boltcroft ends in a 3-1 penalty shootout to the hosts - one penalty on either side literally ends up booted into a nearby car-park. There’s two other, better shootouts, but one is from Dubstep Rangers, a midtable fifth-tier side who were relatively recently in the Premiership but have totally collapsed fiscally. At least they beat Sirencall, only promoted to the Conference a couple of seasons ago! Meanwhile, the Fully Sick XI, a team founded by the Nepharim football subreddit that… got out of hand, celebrates its newfound professional status by pumping Falston United 6-1 away.

It’s ultimately Crisisbless who enter the first quarter on top - this, despite being edged out somewhat unluckily by a ruthless AFC Serpentine, three badly-needed points. Undefeated Starling and Brinemouth, in the chase, cancel each other out to a 1-1 draw while Athletic are undone by the Harriers and a flying scorpion kick from Peta-Gaye West as the entire top four stumble. Parrhesia United, away from home, steal a march on them all - they hunker down and await the Stags’ onslaught and when, in the 72nd minute, backup striker Quinn McEthinly (only playing due to Telfair’s ankle injury) finally gets a sniff of the ball, she rifles it into the bottom corner leaving Fletcher without a chance. They’re now in 5th, Treason 7th, with the unreliable Chariots sandwiched between them. The Moths are well-beaten by Bishop and their early promise has given way to a distinctly poor run of form.

The Chariots are beaten by Creed, and that’s a useful three points for a side that somehow finds itself in 18th - beneath both Chatswood and the Rovers, who both grind out 1-0 home wins against strugglers. The Wanderers (the former of those strugglers), Maulers and Serpentine bridge the gap to relegation, all in a neat line. Maximum City beat the Maulers in an exhilarating 3-2 win, and right now they basically are just Niko Rosmalen and ten other guys. It lifts them above Goodfeather FC who are… oh, dear, annihilated 5-1 by North Laithland. They finally tried switching their goalkeeper to Raven Forster. It didn’t work out for them, and they’ve the worst defence in the top flight. But at least they aren’t the Gulls! West Brinemouth go down to a limp 1-0 defeat against the Rovers. They’ve conceded just one goal more than the defending champions, sure, and have only conceded once to set pieces… but they have just four goals (no two from any one player), three points and no wins. They’re genuinely fucked.

In the second tier, lots of familiar faces at both ends of the table, but no one team has dominated thus far. Raven River top the league as it stands thanks largely to a defence that has conceded just six goals but also the belated fitness and consistency of Nikita Arbor up front. Armstrong, who have surprisingly kept ahold of star striker Damian Harbour in the offseason, are also making a strong bid for promotion, while it’s tight as hell beneath there - Belgrave currently third and the highest scorers in the league with a flowing technical attack, South Laithland doing their standard yo-yo act in 4th. Spare a thought to Leichhardt, who are in the chase despite having scored (and conceded) less than a goal a match. Freshly-relegated Sheridan have lost their defensive edge and struggle along in 9th while promotion hopefuls Southfell waste away in 11th. But it could be worse. Once-proud Shale (the team that gave us Tosca Marlowe) are like a slightly less bad second tier version of West Brinemouth, while recent Premiership names in Ritter Town, Rochford and Cypher Town (who lost their three best players by a mile to Premiership teams, as well as last season’s starting striker, Daniel Bowyer, to the newly-founded TOPS) are all distinctly in the relegation battle. Newly-promoted Riverkey are struggling as well, and despite good preseason hopes have already fired their manager.

Beautiful stuff from the Stags - nostalgia-inducing, even. A very strong Diamante side that does, let’s not forget, include Elaine goddamn Ashdown, is run through not through superior technique but through Treason’s rock-solidity (Peter Svensson ends the game as man of the match) and ruthlessness (Fraser and Cantor don’t get many chances, but they make the most of them). Yuba deal with Brinemouth comfortably, however, and Stephen Frew’s side just seem to have slipped out of being one of the world’s best sides lately as they enter a transitional period.

Creed United host Port Sebastian and fulfil the one key task of any side facing them - shut down Purinton. This accomplished by Taddeo Loredan with trademark efficiency, Farrier gets a brace at the other end and, though AFC Treason youth product Michi Leonard sets Steven Rexmont up perfectly to pull one back, Karena Braham kills it off in injury time. That’s a lot more than happens in Starling’s bore draw with Twentytwo Cacti, while the Otters are utterly stonewalled by Sonoma. Athletic, for once, find their final ball lacking, and they pay the price against a ruthless CD FAS.

PREMIERSHIP

Pos Team                      P  W  D  L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Crisisbless              12  9  1  2  33  15  +18  28
  2 Starling                 12  7  5  0  25   7  +18  26
  3 Sabrefell Athletic       12  8  2  2  28  13  +15  26
  4 Brinemouth               12  8  1  3  22  13   +9  25
  5 Parrhesia United         12  7  2  3  18  16   +2  23
  6 Violence Chariots        12  7  1  4  30  21   +9  22
  7 AFC Treason              12  7  1  4  26  17   +9  22
  8 Sabrefell Moths          12  6  2  4  35  17  +18  20
  9 Coret Hawks              12  6  2  4  18  12   +6  20
 10 Chenoworth Harriers      12  6  2  4  23  19   +4  20
 11 Brookford Otters         12  5  4  3  22  20   +2  19
 12 Vermillion Rage          12  5  3  4  20  22   -2  18
 13 North Laithland          12  5  2  5  21  22   -1  17
 14 Bishop                   12  4  3  5  13  12   +1  15
 15 Maximum Rovers           12  4  3  5  18  22   -4  15
 16 Chatswood                12  4  2  6  15  22   -7  14
 17 Newrook City             12  3  3  6  16  24   -8  12
 18 Creed United             12  2  5  5  10  17   -7  11
 19 Cranequin Wanderers      12  3  2  7  11  19   -8  11
 20 Corvette Maulers         12  3  1  8  12  24  -12  10
 21 AFC Serpentine           12  2  4  6  16  31  -15  10
 22 Maximum City             12  2  3  7  11  22  -11   9
 23 Goodfeather FC           12  2  1  9  10  32  -22   7
 24 West Brinemouth          12  0  3  9   4  18  -14   3

FIRST DIVISION

Pos Team                          P  W  D  L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Raven River                  12  8  2  2  20   6  +14  26
  2 Armstrong                    12  7  4  1  16   8   +8  25
  3 Belgrave                     12  6  4  2  27  15  +12  22
  4 South Laithland              12  7  1  4  21  13   +8  22
  5 Morningstar                  12  7  1  4  23  17   +6  22
  6 Leichhardt                   12  6  3  3  11   7   +4  21
  7 Vermillion Wanderers         12  6  2  4  21  21   +0  20
  8 Crisisbless United           12  5  3  4  23  17   +6  18
  9 Sheridan                     12  5  3  4  18  16   +2  18
 10 North Sabrefell              12  5  2  5  18  15   +3  17
 11 Southfell United             12  4  5  3  20  18   +2  17
 12 East Laithland Harriers      12  4  4  4  10  14   -4  16
 13 Extreme Hills                12  4  3  5  17  17   +0  15
 14 Martella Jazz                12  4  3  5  16  16   +0  15
 15 Cranequin City               12  4  3  5  12  15   -3  15
 16 Iron City                    12  4  3  5   7  10   -3  15
 17 Diamondqueen                 12  3  5  4   9  11   -2  14
 18 Coret Rovers                 12  3  5  4  14  20   -6  14
 19 Locksley                     12  3  4  5  18  22   -4  13
 20 Cypher Town                  12  4  1  7  12  17   -5  13
 21 Ritter Town                  12  3  3  6  15  17   -2  12
 22 Rochford                     12  3  3  6  11  20   -9  12
 23 Riverkey                     12  2  3  7   9  24  -15   9
 24 AFC Shale                    12  1  2  9   7  19  -12   5

SECOND DIVISION

Pos Team                        P  W  D  L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Greygate                   12  9  2  1  18   6  +12  29
  2 Hackett                    12  8  2  2  21  10  +11  26
  3 Brindleton                 12  8  1  3  16   8   +8  25
  4 Mantlegrove                12  5  7  0  21  10  +11  22
  5 Crossroads Town            12  6  4  2  19  11   +8  22
  6 Sutcroft                   12  6  4  2  16   9   +7  22
  7 Chenoworth Rovers          12  6  3  3  15  13   +2  21
  8 Crisisbless Athletic       12  6  2  4  17  10   +7  20
  9 Kensey Town                12  5  4  3  16   9   +7  19
 10 Stonegrave                 12  5  4  3  13   9   +4  19
 11 AFC Corvistone             12  5  2  5  27  18   +9  17
 12 Project +90                12  4  5  3  14  12   +2  17
 13 Southriver                 12  4  4  4  13  14   -1  16
 14 Iberia Chenoworth          12  5  1  6  26  28   -2  16
 15 Rhagant Schadenfreude      12  4  3  5   9   7   +2  15
 16 Dross Rovers               12  4  3  5  12  12   +0  15
 17 Iron United                12  5  0  7  14  16   -2  15
 18 South Parrhesia            12  4  2  6  15  18   -3  14
 19 Boleyn Town                12  4  2  6  12  21   -9  14
 20 West Hook                  12  2  6  4  10  13   -3  12
 21 Strephonage                12  3  2  7  10  21  -11  11
 22 Brookway Town              12  1  2  9   9  35  -26   5
 23 Ox River United            12  0  3  9   5  20  -15   3
 24 Senway Town                12  0  2 10   2  20  -18   2

THIRD DIVISION

Pos Team                       P  W  D  L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 The Strongest             12 10  1  1  27   9  +18  31
  2 Long Lake                 12  9  3  0  26   5  +21  30
  3 North Dubstep             12  8  4  0  17   5  +12  28
  4 Dartmouth Terriers        12  8  2  2  23  11  +12  26
  5 Pillars of Southfell      12  7  3  2  17   7  +10  24
  6 Rushe United              12  6  5  1  25  12  +13  23
  7 Sutcroft Athletic         12  5  5  2  13  14   -1  20
  8 The Hanged Man            12  5  4  3  13   8   +5  19
  9 Mainstream Fist           12  6  1  5  16  15   +1  19
 10 Fully Sick XI             12  4  5  3  21  15   +6  17
 11 Falston Town              12  5  1  6  18  12   +6  16
 12 Kommissar                 12  4  3  5  19  15   +4  15
 13 Falston United            12  3  6  3  12  10   +2  15
 14 Gridlock East             12  4  3  5   9  14   -5  15
 15 Peregrine                 12  4  1  7  12  15   -3  13
 16 Fenland Albion            12  3  4  5   7  13   -6  13
 17 Fischer                   12  3  3  6  11  20   -9  12
 18 Gridlock Rovers           12  2  5  5  10  12   -2  11
 19 Ringway                   12  3  2  7   6  14   -8  11
 20 Ballardine FC             12  2  5  5  13  23  -10  11
 21 Bellamy                   12  2  3  7   7  17  -10   9
 22 Corby Hubris              12  2  1  9  11  31  -20   7
 23 Grovebank                 12  2  0 10   5  23  -18   6
 24 Lackerrun                 12  1  2  9  13  31  -18   5

CONFERENCE WEST

Pos Team                        P  W  D  L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Alliance Barossia          12  8  2  2  18   8  +10  26
  2 Gonen's Bridge             12  7  3  2  19   5  +14  24
  3 FC Seierstad               12  8  0  4  24  13  +11  24
  4 Gridlock                   12  7  2  3  21  11  +10  23
  5 Forge Carpenters           12  7  2  3  15   5  +10  23
  6 Mapleford                  12  7  2  3  24  16   +8  23
  7 Franchise FC               12  6  2  4  22  16   +6  20
  8 Boltcroft Thorns           12  5  4  3  23  18   +5  19
  9 Harrington                 12  5  3  4  20  14   +6  18
 10 Swag Hill Rovers           12  5  2  5  24  25   -1  17
 11 Norton Road                12  5  1  6  14  16   -2  16
 12 Nay Town                   12  4  4  4  11  15   -4  16
 13 Courser                    12  4  2  6  19  23   -4  14
 14 Ramsay                     12  4  1  7  11  23  -12  13
 15 Tryst Athletic             12  3  3  6  11  19   -8  12
 16 Vermillion Spite           12  2  5  5  12  20   -8  11
 17 Gosforth Swans             12  3  2  7  16  27  -11  11
 18 Camwell Road               12  3  1  8   9  24  -15  10
 19 Sirencall FC               12  2  3  7  11  18   -7   9
 20 Corinthians No Longer      12  2  2  8  19  27   -8   8

CONFERENCE EAST

Pos Team                    P  W  D  L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Rookwall               12  8  3  1  20   7  +13  27
  2 Lazuli Diamonds        12  7  4  1  22   9  +13  25
  3 Coral Bay              12  6  5  1  17   9   +8  23
  4 Rochford Pilgrims      12  7  1  4  30  13  +17  22
  5 Brunyard FC            12  6  4  2  23  15   +8  22
  6 Blaze                  12  6  2  4  23  17   +6  20
  7 Dubstep Rangers        12  5  5  2  17  13   +4  20
  8 Bodkin Road            12  5  5  2  14  10   +4  20
  9 Downsparrow            12  5  4  3  10  11   -1  19
 10 South Brill            12  5  3  4  16  12   +4  18
 11 Hartford Glade         12  5  0  7  14  16   -2  15
 12 Twelvetrees            12  4  3  5  11  14   -3  15
 13 Celebryant FC          12  4  3  5  16  25   -9  15
 14 Masculine Town         12  4  1  7  15  16   -1  13
 15 Norpike                12  4  1  7  12  15   -3  13
 16 Stamper Road           12  2  3  7  15  22   -7   9
 17 Clay Terrace           12  2  3  7   6  16  -10   9
 18 Violence Tigers        12  2  3  7  10  22  -12   9
 19 Sandrock               12  1  5  6   6  22  -16   8
 20 West End               12  1  4  7  11  24  -13   7

by **Nephara** » Tue Jan 10, 2017 1:19 am

Almuth Coppell might have provided West Brinemouth some miracles last season, but winless in the first 13? She’s axed, and Augustine Houghton (formerly of Newrook City, in a couple of stints) is rushed in to replace her. It was a thoroughly gutless performance all along the pitch as Crisisbless’ B-listers crushed them 5-0. They aren’t alone! Chatswood are… appalling away, and simply have no answers for the Maulers who rake them against the coals 5-0 as well, Nikolaidis putting in his best performance of the season so far. Bishop have a story as well. North Laithland are obliterated 4-0 after leaving themselves so open time and again, though Rui Mokanga’s patchy form in front of goal continues to hinder them.

Treason against Starling, defending champions against current leaders… and it’s the latter who get themselves ahead in the sixth minute as (NARRATIVE KLAXON) Claudia Cautcher lashes one in off the inside of the post. She almost doubles it, played one-on-one not long afterwards but Fletcher makes his presence felt and that seems to be the turning point as the Stags start to fight back, win back some ground. Starling are on the ropes and just as they start to recover leading into the second half… a corner from Vesper, a heroic leap and downward header from Peter Svensson, 1-1. The Stags capitalise on the momentum in the second half and Vedran Tarashaj’s powerful strike is a deserved winner, the Passerines left beaten at last. And on the other side of the spectrum, West Brinemouth get their first win of the season. Much less to talk about. Houghton narrows the team into a midfield diamond, throws on Hurriston to give Weiler some help up front, throws Pembroke into a holding midfield role and gives young blood in Lockwood and Cattalock a chance. They do look a lot better, but it’s ultimately one of the players dropped who makes the difference here. Bismarck’s pass is poor, cut out by Capulet who immediately lays a wonderful forward ball on for Kunigunde Almerich, thrown on for Weiler up front just three minutes prior, to race beyond the flatfooted Cranequin defence and lash a powerful left-footed drive past Castelen.

Myrmidon chalk up an early lead through marquee man Inzazi Dvulu, freshly picked up from Trothwands, but Treason dominate the second half and look good value for an overdue goal. They only get it in the 86th, however, and the substitute who scored it, Saskia Kantaroff, looks as much relieved as elated. Brinemouth have it far easier against Mozi, though, pumping three goals past the creaking limbs of Llorente. They do, however, suffer the ignominy of conceding a header to Anderson Bloody Sandro, one of the worst Premiership strikers in living memory, inexplicably wearing the ‘01’ [sic] shirt. It’s an 87th-minute consolation, but he runs the length of the away fans whipping his shirt over his head and waving it about, inadvertently hitting a ballboy in the process. Ahhh, Sandro...

It has to be said that Creed look a lot better in international tournaments than domestically, but they’ll still be incandescent at the manner of the equaliser - inexperienced Ash Reisman accidentally directing a defensive header past his own goalkeeper. Brookford, at least manage a straightforward home win over Thurmond, the sure finishing of Nikita Loeher making the difference. Athletic are poor against Navel, and it’s an uncharacteristically weak performacne that puts the Sharks in a strong position going forward. And, uh, that’s it for the Globe Cup. Starling match? What Starling match? Move along.

A few familiar faces as an Alissar side containing three Premiership veterans holds off the Moths in Nephara. Tanith Sutcliff is the player of the match - why the hell did Goodfeather release her again? - shutting Meier down, while Portia Malleon rattles the crossbar in the third minute. Ultimately, it’s a grass-cutter from Reiss Sinclair-Jones that puts the Phoenix in front, but within the minute the hosts equalise through Cardinal Belgrade spinning and twirling into space before curling one into the top corner. It sets the stage for a finely-poised away tie.

Against a mediocre Newrook City, Maximum City would feel that they could really attack the game. Instead, they went down 2-0 in the first five minutes and, not long after Corvell had at least put one back, Axelsson went two studs into June Connolly’s knees, ending his team’s chances, his own game and Connolly’s season. Fenwick coolly dispatched the penalty and Maladict Farrell, coming off the bench for Connolly, rifled home his first senior goal in injury time. West Brinemouth, meanwhile, manage a scoreless draw as the Maulers just can’t find their final ball - and Lockwood’s strong showing between the posts doesn’t hurt, either. Goodfeather FC’s defence continues to let them down, and they’d been doing so well, too! Schanzer, Coxswain and plucky rightback Dukakis had put them 3-1 up in the 85th minute, but a late brace from Carrie Mason salvages a point for the Dragons and deepens the Quakers’ rut. At the top of the table, meanwhile, a 1-1 draw between Starling and Athletic isn’t the most thrilling, but it does let Treason steal a march with the odd goal in seven taken in the 86th minute by flying substitute Sabrine Portsgate.

The Second Round is traditionally the NFA Cup’s craziest - inevitably some semi-professionals leak through the First, just in time to be cut down to size by hardened second-tier sides, a league that would make UICA’s top 32 in its own right. And there’s plenty of big mismatches, too! Eight-goal Belgrave beat down the eight-man Hanged Man from two tiers below, while bizarrely the Forge Carpenters, once a name vaguely of note, utterly trashed the ex-Corinthians by the same 8-1 scoreline. Dubstep Rangers, another fallen giant, were conclusively broken apart 5-0 by Extreme Hills - back when the Rangers were in the Premiership, Hills were in the Conference! Dross Rovers’ 7-2 was another match notable for the fact that they won four penalties, and even had time to miss one of them. No real big upsets - but most eyes are on Armstrong, as they face Raven River, the two sides who look almost certain to be promoted to the Premiership next season. Unfortunately for all those neutrals it’s a very dull match, ultimately settled by Chris Whitehawk’s far-post header in extra time - with all credit to Leona Catterick for providing the cross.

Well, it’s a breathless, energetic match, and the Moths are off to a flying start despite the dedicated home crowd. Johnson enjoyed a productive homecoming and It was great! But then the second half hit and, well… it just did not go to plan at all. Except for the newly-promoted Phoenix, who are probably feeling pretty good about the whole thing. They progress and the Moths crash out.

So there’s the fixtures everyone’s been waiting for… and, yes, a dull 1-1 draw between the worst two teams in the- oh, you meant Treason/Brinemouth? And the Eastern Sabrefell derby? Ohhh. Well, not too much to say about the first, really. Brinemouth are incredibly not good at all, and have no answer to even the metaphysical concept of Roddy Fraser, let alone the real deal who notches up a goal and assist. Tarashaj and Labonne, outnumbered in the centre of the park, somehow manage to dominate regardless and Brinemouth’s flanks are overrun, and Vesper and Vyntra finish the deal. Meanwhile, the Chariots go straight for the throat of Athletic, and an early couple of goals from Machairas and Voeller ratchets up the pressure. But Athletic, homegrown goalkeeper Lind Pressinger leading by example with a few flying saves, holds firm until half-time and then bites back. Hard. They pull two back before a diving header from Linden Lucassen puts them ahead and though some sloppy defending from Robyn Lauren allows Siorrha’Asione to smash home an equaliser it never really feels like they’ve turned the corner, and it’s confirmed in injury time - the substitute Oehman with a perfect corner, Edelgrau stranded in no-man’s land, Moravec’s there to smash home a decisive header.

A terrible week for Nephara. The Stags are outplayed on their home turf and deserve their eventual defeat. Worse still, FUCKING SANDRO scores two goals against Brinemouth, meaning that he’s now scored more goals over these two matches than he did in his entire Premiership season. He dabs. Of course he fucking dabs.

Three reverses - Creed United are the only team not to take exactly three points from their rivals. They hold back, put out a dour defensive performance and eventually snatch the result when Stavanger mashes home a header late on. Starling get some revenge after the Match That Never Happened, thanks to Cautcher’s finishing and Nicola Costello holding court in the centre of the park, but let’s just skim right over Thurmond beating the shit out of the Otters and focus on Athletic, and a dominant victory over the Sharks. Bereveskos, who’d looked a little out of her depth abroad, finally clicks into form. With three assists. Which is pretty good.

Okay. It’s happened. Goodfeather FC have kept a clean sheet - not quite their first of the season but by God does it feel that way. They seem to hit upon a decent formula, Candelario now anchoring the midfield, Forster doing okay between the posts, Leitner impressing in midfield and Lynwood and Farrakhan providing a goal apiece. Why Farrakhan and not Schanzer? A hamstring injury for the workhorse striker, exactly not what they needed. But the goals are enough to take them past the Harriers, at any rate. Starling annihilate Crisisbless, and Keira Andisori finally puts in a truly decisive performance as she dances through the Heelers’ supposedly tight defence - one goal with each foot and even when she does miskick when the ball falls to her in the box, the substitute Westerlow steals inside to hammer it past Marciak anyway. The other high-profile fixtures are less exciting - a tense match between Treason and Athletic is won when Svensson flicks home a corner while Brinemouth vs. the Moths is settled by a rare goalkeeping error from Matt Vintner, who dwells on the ball long enough for substitute forward Jaeger to chase him down, raise a boot and rebound the ball into the net with her face.

Athletic go to Brinemouth and are not in the mood to fuck around. Even missing Lucassen at a bad time through a calf strain, they can still hurl on Avila Wardenier up front, and the lanky former Diamondqueen striker did not disappoint, scoring a brace and being a handful in general. Brinemouth could not cope, their only answer an admittedly impressive free kick from Candelo. West Brinemouth, incidentally, are strong at the back and beat Newrook thanks to a powerful thumping drive from, that woman again, Kunigunde Almerich. They’re 2-3-0 under Augustine Houghton so far, though survival still looks… like an impressive feat, to say the least. Providence Mitford, at the helm of Maximum City, must have felt brave, desperate or foolish, maybe all three. She sets out to just sort of run aggressively and physically at Vermillion and to her credit it works - sure, there’s the by-now routine horrible defensive error from Napthine to cost them a goal, but the notoriously inconsistent Corvell and the actually good Rosmalen get a brace each to secure a 4-2 win that is kind of unlike them.

Refreshingly straightforward wins for both sides that puts both sides in decent positions going into the last match. Treason just shut it all down and rely on Roddy Fraser to do the business up front, and, of course, he does. Brinemouth are not playing well, and Stephen Frew knows it. “I played a little more direct today, because it was the best way to look for a win,” which he found when the impressive Danijel Brymora’s speculative cross was headed home by the salmon-esque Scafidis.

The hosts do well in the Globe Cup, as Creed United beat Fadroen thanks largely to the playmaking of Bittner and Starling overpower the Crew. Conversely, Brookford have now lost all their away matches after Telecontare do the job against them. Meanwhile, things go off the rails for Athletic, as the evergreen Pasarga international Oszlar runs the match from midfield and ensures that, at various points, Sarigul has two different tap-ins to convert through a perforated defence. Chloe Rudden sidefoots one back between Csikos’ legs but Club look good value for their third, ultimately won by Dominic Ellis’ inelegant cross/shot hybrid that Pressinger misjudged terribly.

The Quakers finally sigh and give Andrea Betancourt the heave-ho. She’s had the dressing room lost since almost the season began, and none even lift a finger as Creed clean them out 3-0 with a heavily-rested team. West Brinemouth string together an impressive run of two straight wins, but they absolutely did not deserve this one - Lockwood makes fourteen saves, many of them spectacular, and then auxiliary 35-year old one-footed out-of-position winger Saffron Martin, relocated to attacking midfield and inexplicably quite good at it, thumps home a free kick for her second goal of the season. But there’s a few utter thrashings here - none moreso than Violence Chariots’ 6-1 annihilation of a Cranequin side who just cannot cope with their fast passing, the Rovers being 1-1 at half-time, getting Woodbine sent off and losing 5-1 to Athletic and Vermillion Rage reducing Chatswood to a fine 4-0 paste. At the top end of the table, Crisisbless cling grimly to life with ten men against a determined Treason, Ozaria Gandhi having rifled home an early strike but her brother sent off for annihilating Igrene Cantor in the penalty area, one dispatched flawlessly by Fraser. But it’s all for naught, as in the end it is, yet again, Peter Svensson from, yet again, a crisply-lashed set piece from Vyntra that is headed home dramatically past Marciak. The Cosumar international is making a name for himself as a club legend in the making.

So yeah, this is it - the part where the Premiership clubs show up. And, oh, good, just what the world needed; another West Brinemouth vs. Goodfeather clash! Both sides rest everyone, some 21-year old from West Brinemouth’s reserves called Shayna Markus scores her first senior goal in her first senior appearance, 1-0 win, let’s move on. What is genuinely impressive is that Forge Carpenters, given a chance to relive the relative glory days (okay, so it’s Hackett, a First Division club… last year) and, thanks to a traditional godawful pitch and a ludicrous 8-7 penalty shootout, secure a lucrative (but probably doomed) away tie at North Laithland next round. That might just save their doomed finances. Reward for the biggest giant-killing, though, must go to Third Division mediocrities Sutcroft Athletic, who hold the fort against the Stags, a heroic effort from goalkeeper Sarah Leatherhead to keep them at bay before Matt Swindon, a sturdy forward in his first year as a full professional, rifles home an extra time winner. Credit’s also due to fellow Third Division side The Strongest, who put three goals past Cranequin Wanderers… just, they leak six the other end. The Corvistone Project is going disastrously in the league - can they do any better in the Cup? Signs (including a clean sheet for Russ Lazaridis and goals from fringe players Plutarch, Rathbone, Neumann and whoever the hell Hedwig Schelin is) point to no. But the Premiership sides do a really good job of not being scalped and generally not drawing one another - along with Goodfeather and Treason, the only other Premiership scalp is a heavily-rested Parrhesia United, beaten well by second/third-tier yo-yo side North Sabrefell. As for Morningstar, who are pressing for promotion and drawn against the Moths? Well, it goes poorly. It’s already 2-0 in the first 40 minutes when, well… ahh, Lopez… he always retaliates. And it’s no exception when Weaver gives him a bit of a kick, as the firebrand striker lashes out and takes his legs from under him. He’s off, and hulking bouncer Arne van Hoof follows after getting into a fight with Rune Haldenstadt. The end result? 8-0. At least Stars can focus on promotion now...

Maximum Rovers, again benefiting from Senturk’s flying form but no less importantly Hawthorn between the posts, inflict Brinemouth’s fourth defeat from five. 2-0, the final score, as the Dockers had a lot of the ball but just couldn’t do anything with it - Lineker and Jurist were made to look like unstoppable titans in the heart of defence, which they aren’t. West Brinemouth finally lose after four wins and three draws in all (well, both) competions from Houghton’s seven matches, but Coret just have too much for them, both in technique and, the weak point of Houghton’s new model army, width. Carmady’s a crock and Cattalock isn’t very good defensively, so against the lightning pace of Draxler and the weaving runs of Montague? They didn’t stand a chance. But it’s okay, because things don’t really go to plan for any of the other relegation battlers, either - Serpentine probably emerging with the most credit in their bank, continuing to take the fight to Premiership opposition and securing a deserved point against Vermillion. Gareth Hartson’s reclaimed his place in goal of late and, it seems, the break to let him steady his nerves

Treason are already basically through, and a Fraser-inspired 3-1 victory over Diamante just confirms this. However, due to the vagaries of head-to-head rulings, they fall back to second despite a far superior goal difference to Myrmidon. Brinemouth need a pulsating 4-3 victory over group winners Yuba United, with Konrad Gosforth having a hand in all four goals, to squeeze through a highly-competitive group as well.

Port Sebastian hold Creed United to a dull scoreless draw in a dead rubber - literally no matter what, Creed were to finish first and Porty second, the Oathmen undefeated in their first UICA tilt. Starling manage to be on the right end of a polarising group - Twentytwo Cacti had five wins and a scoreless draw earlier with Starling, Arlington lost all their matches, and what lifts the Passerines over Nacional and their superior goal difference and head-to-head is, in fact, that 0-0. Brookford have endured a torrid group stage, and have gathered all seven of their points at home - a respectable 1-1 draw with group winner Sonoma Center sees them bow out. Athletic need a win, and by God, they get it. CD FAS fall apart within 19 seconds of kickoff, Rudden ultimately provided with a tap-in, and the Reds never look back. They finish the group in second, with Navel top.

The Maulers collapse under the pressure in an otherwise fairly unremarkable matchday - Treason just pulverise them, 7-0. Lara Silverstein had been missing through suspension, and while that clearly unsettled the back line, she’s probably feeling fortunate to have missed the fiasco. So, Fraser and Cantor against Rainwall and Schelin, that’s… no contest at all. Lukas Sparr starts out well, and then gets beaten too easily by a long shot from Woodspur and his confidence collapses, as does Corvette’s resistance. Even when it’s already 7-0 and Dany Harper is slipped through the back by Nikolaidis… she ends up tamely shooting down Gideon Fletcher’s throat. Brinemouth, by contrast, can’t even score against Maximum City, though admittedly that owes much to a strong performance from under-fire goalkeeper Jelic.

Five points from eight games for Brinemouth, and something is deeply, deeply wrong. Crisisbless contain them easily and a single crisp sidefooter from Isaia Urso is enough to see them off, and they never even really leave second gear. The Gulls, meanwhile, get back into gear. They’re holding on against Gerhard Thunder’s Moths, and already the vultures are circling for Reinhard Lockwood as he plays out of his skin on his 21st birthday, and eventually the Moths wear themselves out with their assault waves. That’s when the Gulls strike - Almerich hammering home a counterattack, Pembroke heading home a corner. Serpentine, meanwhile, assert themselves as the strongest force on the Laith at the moment as Corvine and Mason, through a powerful grasscutter and a fluky flicked backheel, ensure a 2-0 win.

The stage is set for the second half, and there’s two teams on track for triple-digits. Treason, at the top heading into the weekend, let it slip as they’re outfoxed 2-0 by a diligent Bishop (now 8th), former Treason striker Jaspenner with a driving header to fulfil the narrative counter but with Theresa Wintergren, who has impressed hugely when thrown into an unfamiliar central midfield role, as the undoubted star. Starling take advantage, edging the Otters despite a goal from former Passerine Loeher. Tense home victories for Athletic and Crisisbless ensure they round out the top four, with the Moths slipping to fifth as a typically obstinate Harriers side clinches a draw. The Saints consolidate in 6th - they’re set for a hell of a derby, and they make a hell of a derby, by breaking Vermillion 6-1. Away. They just attack, attack and attack until something sticks, and it always ends up sticking. It prevents Vermillion from making it into the last Globe Cup place, which instead is squeezed into by the Dockers after a pulsating 4-3 win over Chatswood, secured by a late brace from Kyron Bartley. “We’ve turned a corner,” captain Bosetti barked to the press after the match, presumably praying it’s true. Wishing they were in that conversation would be Coret and Creed, but the two underachieving sides draw one another 1-1 to remain 11th and 12th - that is, at least, one ahead of Brookford.

At the other end of the table, Maximum Rovers can only manage a disappointing draw in a low-quality match against Corvette, but they’ll be grateful that Luitgard has found her scoring boots again - her first headed goal of the season, in fact, squeezes past Sparr’s near post. But defeats for Chatswood and Maximum City, albeit narrow ones, keep safety within reach - Corvette in the playoff position are a point away from Chatswood (whose goal difference is godawful) and level with City. West Brinemouth, who have now scored a whole twelve goals, aren’t able to unsettle a North Laithland side that just plucks them apart in the end, but they’re still within striking range when they previously looked doomed. Surprisingly, Cranequin Wanderers have slipped badly, now second-last - they look defensively solid against Crisisbless, but what else? At the bottom of the table, of course, is Goodfeather FC. Sebastian Seward leads his men out bravely to a 3-2 defeat at the hands of another former club, Athletic. “But it’s still a defeat,” he said grimly, and the Quakers’ chances of survival look grim.

In the First Division, the top four… well, they all kind of look sealed in. River and, surprisingly, Armstrong, are almost definitely going up next season. They’re locked on 54 points, seven ahead of third and fourth (goalhungry Belgrave and physically dominant Morningstar) and a staggering sixteen ahead of the 5th-placed Sherries. Preseason favourites South Laithland are… 11th. Bruno Hawke’s paid for it with his job. The bottom six are starting to splinter away from the pack, though, now five points adrift - Cypher Town and Ritter Town recovered strongly to get away from it, but Martella and Locksley are in trouble. Shale, Coret and Riverkey are battling hard but with just 13 goals scored thus far (admittedly the same as other former yoyo club Iron City, in 17th) Rochford are distinctly treading water.

Now this is more like it. After all the Premiership sides avoid one another in the Third Round, they all seem to clash in the Fourth. In the unremarkable bracket; Bishop, Coret (admittedly to West Brinemouth’s B-listers), Chatswood and Newrook are beaten forgettably by other Premiership sides. More memorably, Chenoworth Harriers - giving the Cup full focus, admittedly - take Maximum City to the cleaners, with 70% possession and a 4-0 win. Sabrefell Moths obliterate Crisisbless 6-2, both sides with strong but partially rotated lineups, and the much-vaunted Crisisbless depth completely lets down the side as Nevaeh Cathar, who only recently turned 19, scores four (!) goals as she runs utterly rampant. Admittedly she’s also sent off for headbutting veteran Gallardo, but still! Serpentine are matched blow-for-blow by a resilient Leichhardt before, of all people, their most reliable performers in Emmerich, Mason and Ornstein all miss the target in the shootout. It’s the same way that a couple other sides drop out, too - an agonisingly boring scoreless draw between South Laithland and the Rovers and a far more exciting affair between River and Brinemouth that ends the same way - the big sides crash out. Sadly, North Laithland don’t follow suit - but Forge Carpenters, going out with something of a 9-1-0 formation (a 5-4-1 with lonely striker Rhys Devonport looking miserable in the centre circle the whole game) perform out of their skins to get away with just a 1-0 defeat, Lavender Jameson ultimately playing fairytale-destroyer for the fallen Conference side.

PREMIERSHIP

Pos Team                      P   W  D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Starling                 23  15  7   1  51  17  +34  52
  2 AFC Treason              23  17  1   5  54  26  +28  52
  3 Sabrefell Athletic       23  14  5   4  53  28  +25  47
  4 Crisisbless              23  14  4   5  51  26  +25  46
  5 Sabrefell Moths          23  13  5   5  56  29  +27  44
  6 Parrhesia United         23  12  5   6  37  27  +10  41
  7 Brinemouth               23  11  4   8  36  33   +3  37
  8 Bishop                   23   9  8   6  30  21   +9  35
  9 Vermillion Rage          23   9  8   6  42  41   +1  35
 10 Violence Chariots        23  11  1  11  51  44   +7  34
 11 Coret Hawks              23   9  7   7  34  28   +6  34
 12 Creed United             23   9  7   7  26  25   +1  34
 13 Brookford Otters         23   8  7   8  38  37   +1  31
 14 Chenoworth Harriers      23   7  7   9  35  36   -1  28
 15 North Laithland          23   8  3  12  37  45   -8  27
 16 AFC Serpentine           23   6  9   8  32  44  -12  27
 17 Newrook City             23   7  5  11  31  40   -9  26
 18 Maximum Rovers           23   6  5  12  28  43  -15  23
 19 Chatswood                23   6  3  14  25  50  -25  21
 20 Maximum City             23   4  8  11  28  42  -14  20
 21 Corvette Maulers         23   5  5  13  25  44  -19  20
 22 West Brinemouth          23   4  6  13  12  33  -21  18
 23 Cranequin Wanderers      23   5  3  15  20  42  -22  18
 24 Goodfeather FC           23   4  3  16  20  51  -31  15

FIRST DIVISION

Pos Team                          P   W  D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Raven River                  23  17  3   3  42  16  +26  54
  2 Armstrong                    23  16  6   1  35  13  +22  54
  3 Belgrave                     23  14  5   4  53  27  +26  47
  4 Morningstar                  23  15  2   6  48  22  +26  47
  5 Sheridan                     23  11  5   7  28  23   +5  38
  6 Extreme Hills                23  11  4   8  38  26  +12  37
  7 Southfell United             23  10  7   6  40  31   +9  37
  8 Leichhardt                   23  11  4   8  22  16   +6  37
  9 Vermillion Wanderers         23  10  5   8  43  39   +4  35
 10 East Laithland Harriers      23  10  5   8  23  31   -8  35
 11 South Laithland              23  10  4   9  31  24   +7  34
 12 Crisisbless United           23  10  4   9  40  37   +3  34
 13 Cypher Town                  23   9  3  11  25  32   -7  30
 14 Diamondqueen                 23   7  8   8  20  20   +0  29
 15 Ritter Town                  23   8  4  11  33  29   +4  28
 16 Cranequin City               23   8  4  11  23  27   -4  28
 17 Iron City                    23   6  9   8  13  21   -8  27
 18 North Sabrefell              23   7  4  12  33  38   -5  25
 19 Martella Jazz                23   5  5  13  26  47  -21  20
 20 Locksley                     23   5  5  13  27  50  -23  20
 21 AFC Shale                    23   4  7  12  15  26  -11  19
 22 Coret Rovers                 23   4  7  12  20  39  -19  19
 23 Riverkey                     23   4  6  13  17  37  -20  18
 24 Rochford                     23   4  4  15  13  37  -24  16

SECOND DIVISION

Pos Team                        P   W  D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Greygate                   23  17  5   1  43  15  +28  56
  2 Hackett                    23  14  4   5  43  21  +22  46
  3 Sutcroft                   23  13  6   4  30  14  +16  45
  4 Chenoworth Rovers          23  12  6   5  34  23  +11  42
  5 Mantlegrove                23  11  9   3  30  19  +11  42
  6 Crisisbless Athletic       23  12  3   8  31  22   +9  39
  7 Crossroads Town            23  10  7   6  31  25   +6  37
  8 West Hook                  23   9  9   5  26  20   +6  36
  9 Brindleton                 23  10  5   8  31  25   +6  35
 10 AFC Corvistone             23   9  5   9  42  31  +11  32
 11 Iron United                23  10  2  11  34  30   +4  32
 12 Dross Rovers               23   9  5   9  24  21   +3  32
 13 Kensey Town                23   8  7   8  29  27   +2  31
 14 South Parrhesia            23   8  7   8  32  31   +1  31
 15 Project +90                23   8  7   8  28  34   -6  31
 16 Stonegrave                 23   7  7   9  20  19   +1  28
 17 Iberia Chenoworth          23   8  4  11  45  52   -7  28
 18 Boleyn Town                23   8  4  11  21  34  -13  28
 19 Southriver                 23   6  7  10  25  32   -7  25
 20 Rhagant Schadenfreude      23   6  5  12  17  22   -5  23
 21 Strephonage                23   6  3  14  18  40  -22  21
 22 Brookway Town              23   6  2  15  25  49  -24  20
 23 Ox River United            23   3  5  15  13  37  -24  14
 24 Senway Town                23   1  6  16  14  43  -29   9

THIRD DIVISION

Pos Team                       P   W  D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Pillars of Southfell      23  16  5   2  36  15  +21  53
  2 The Strongest             23  16  4   3  56  24  +32  52
  3 Dartmouth Terriers        23  16  3   4  51  24  +27  51
  4 Rushe United              23  12  6   5  50  30  +20  42
  5 Long Lake                 23  11  6   6  32  16  +16  39
  6 North Dubstep             23  11  6   6  32  21  +11  39
  7 Kommissar                 23  11  5   7  44  28  +16  38
  8 Mainstream Fist           23  12  2   9  37  31   +6  38
  9 Sutcroft Athletic         23   9  8   6  22  22   +0  35
 10 Falston Town              23  10  3  10  33  21  +12  33
 11 Falston United            23   9  6   8  27  24   +3  33
 12 Fully Sick XI             23   8  7   8  36  36   +0  31
 13 Bellamy                   23   8  5  10  22  26   -4  29
 14 The Hanged Man            23   7  7   9  21  19   +2  28
 15 Gridlock Rovers           23   7  7   9  29  28   +1  28
 16 Peregrine                 23   8  3  12  30  42  -12  27
 17 Fischer                   23   7  5  11  24  35  -11  26
 18 Fenland Albion            23   7  5  11  20  31  -11  26
 19 Ballardine FC             23   5  9   9  32  37   -5  24
 20 Ringway                   23   6  6  11  15  27  -12  24
 21 Gridlock East             23   6  6  11  22  35  -13  24
 22 Corby Hubris              23   5  2  16  26  62  -36  17
 23 Grovebank                 23   5  1  17  18  39  -21  16
 24 Lackerrun                 23   4  3  16  27  69  -42  15

CONFERENCE WEST

Pos Team                        P   W  D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Mapleford                  23  16  3   4  47  25  +22  51
  2 Gonen's Bridge             23  12  8   3  36  14  +22  44
  3 Alliance Barossia          23  13  4   6  28  19   +9  43
  4 Franchise FC               23  13  4   6  39  33   +6  43
  5 Boltcroft Thorns           23  12  6   5  47  35  +12  42
  6 Gosforth Swans             23  12  4   7  47  34  +13  40
  7 Harrington                 23  12  3   8  45  27  +18  39
  8 Forge Carpenters           23  10  6   7  27  16  +11  36
  9 Swag Hill Rovers           23  11  3   9  43  42   +1  36
 10 Gridlock                   23  10  5   8  29  18  +11  35
 11 FC Seierstad               23  10  3  10  35  32   +3  33
 12 Norton Road                23   9  2  12  27  34   -7  29
 13 Ramsay                     23   8  3  12  25  35  -10  27
 14 Nay Town                   23   7  6  10  24  38  -14  27
 15 Courser                    23   7  4  12  26  38  -12  25
 16 Vermillion Spite           23   6  5  12  31  47  -16  23
 17 Tryst Athletic             23   5  6  12  21  38  -17  21
 18 Corinthians No Longer      23   5  4  14  41  52  -11  19
 19 Sirencall FC               23   5  4  14  26  41  -15  19
 20 Camwell Road               23   4  3  16  18  44  -26  15

CONFERENCE EAST

Pos Team                    P   W  D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Lazuli Diamonds        23  13  7   3  38  18  +20  46
  2 Brunyard FC            23  12  6   5  44  27  +17  42
  3 Downsparrow            23  11  8   4  24  17   +7  41
  4 Dubstep Rangers        23  10 10   3  33  24   +9  40
  5 Coral Bay              23  11  7   5  28  22   +6  40
  6 Rochford Pilgrims      23  11  5   7  44  24  +20  38
  7 Rookwall               23  10  8   5  30  24   +6  38
  8 Bodkin Road            23   9  9   5  26  19   +7  36
  9 Blaze                  23  10  6   7  41  35   +6  36
 10 South Brill            23   9  8   6  27  22   +5  35
 11 Stamper Road           23   9  4  10  35  35   +0  31
 12 Hartford Glade         23   8  5  10  26  26   +0  29
 13 Twelvetrees            23   7  8   8  21  26   -5  29
 14 Masculine Town         23   8  3  12  33  31   +2  27
 15 Norpike                23   6  5  12  23  31   -8  23
 16 Sandrock               23   4 10   9  14  31  -17  22
 17 Celebryant FC          23   5  6  12  28  42  -14  21
 18 West End               23   5  4  14  20  41  -21  19
 19 Clay Terrace           23   3  7  13   8  25  -17  16
 20 Violence Tigers        23   3  6  14  18  41  -23  15

by **Nephara** » Sun Jan 15, 2017 10:04 pm

Thirteen clean sheets from twelves games - not that this was a boring week, just. Funny that way. Somewhat inevitably, West Brinemouth lose 2-0 and Goodfeather 1-0 at home to the visiting Maximum sides to continue something of a rut, while Crisisbless surprisingly can’t get past the streaky but talented Lukas Sparr in the Corvette goal. The Saints underline their Globe Cup credentials by thrashing the Moths 3-0, and while everything clicks well in attack the man of the match award goes to Olaf Womack - the Cosumar international has thrived in a league where he can just murder people to his heart’s content. Meanwhile, Keira Andisori gets the better of national teammate Antonio this time around - she scores twice and Malachi Gallagher a third to ensure the Hawks slink home disappointed. “It’s so tight at the top and a good run could spark us forward any time,” argues Anna Cliving after the match, but if the rumours are right her job is under threat.

… Sorry, what?

Yet again, twelve clean sheets in twelve matches. A weird new trend? Levan Kyprianou has one job to save his match. That’s the narrative as the Wanderers host the Maulers… and, well, evidently the players want him to stick around, as a spirited, gutsy performance finally sees Tobias Clarke allowed to flourish. It’s helped by the incompetence of Corvette’s rightback, Karoy, and Teixeira rediscovering his scoring boots after a ten-match goal drought - he gets a brace, both from Clarke assists, before Paul Bismarck’s thunderbastard finishes the Maulers off. Helpfully, basically every other relegation battler loses. Serpentine drag themselves further away from it, too - they simply outrun and outmuscle Serpentine, with Gareth Hartson making a number of strong saves and Carrie Mason, at the front of the assault, scoring a crisp brace - two goals, three shots, five touches.

Stags do the job at home to compensate after a typical Away International Match held them away. But Brinemouth’s 1-0 win isn’t enough, and they slip away. Konrad Gosforth sighs in the postmatch interview as his goal fails to be enough to break down a determined Charmat. “You ever get that feeling you’re the defeated villain in someone else’s story?” Yeah, he’s unsettled as fuck - but at least his performances have only grown more intense.

Back when Brinemouth won their second straight title, they had to visit Corvette Maulers. Easy match against a mediocre side destined to finish midtable. And yet, Leigh Fletcher’s double (yes, the Armstrong manager) and further goals from Lindsay Halloran (who???), Lara Holt (??????) and Daniel Canady (well, okay, he’s at least memorable) ensured a famous 5-1 win. Yes, those namedrops were entirely to make you feel old, it was ten years ago. And, well… Jesus Christ, Brinemouth, nothing can go right for you this season, as this time Harper, Duric, Mateus and even plucky piebald 19-year old Patches Rathbone secure a 4-0 win.

Brinemouth derby time - the Gulls are in a bit of a slump but seem to have mostly revived since Houghton took charge, the Dockers look vulnerable. Does it play to script? Well, not to that one - it plays instead to the script of ‘the very strong home team beats the very weak away team 3-0’ - an imperious performance by Gosforth to blame, as well as some uncharacteristically shaky defending from the away side who melted down the wings. The Moths, for their part, break a winless run of six matches with a tense, back-to-basics performance against the Chariots. They held the line, they waited for the first error (a helpful errant pass from Lilith Paterson cut out by Belgrave) and, with a clever cutback to the charging Cliving who thumped it past Edelgrau, got a 1-0 win to show for it. Cliving’s mother, Anna Cliving, is fired after overseeing a terrible 4-0 thumping at the hands of Sabrefell Athletic, an entire team that looks great on paper but just can’t figure out how to deal with Alexa Ferryman and her pesky ‘passing’ and ‘running’.

Last round before the quarterfinals. Perennial Cup specialists South Laithland have made it, a crisp strike from Jamie Ratchford and Rutger Connacht’s direct free kick enough to take them past a spirited but limited Martella. Across town, Dross Rovers are thumped 5-0 at home by North Laithland, Rasunda Vanderlei given a rare chance further up the pitch and impressing. In a dull set of matches, Athletic see off Leichhardt, Cranequin beat West Brinemouth and Starling take down the Moths, all 1-0 home wins. Corvette and Vermillion disappoint most, though, as the two attacking sides absolutely fail to come up with any final ball. It’s settled in extra time in the end, when a fresh Joscelyn Ambrose runs into the box and gets clattered by Russ Lazaridis, and the young striker’s allowed to convert the winning penalty herself. The real treats are a couple more Premiership vs. lower-tier matches - Brookford make heavy weather of brave third-tier Stonegrave, and it takes a shot right into the stanchion from 30 yards by Tanya Chilton to sink them, while River are also locked 2-2 with the Harriers in extra time. But just as Matt Bowerman seems to be single-handedly repelling the Premiership side, it’s one of his sweeping crossfield kicks that gets the ball straight to the danger man, Casper Lindgren. Lindgren was, admittedly, found out horribly at Premiership level, but the substitute does manage to scuff one past Sheffield at the death to ensure a strong win for the central Sabrefell side.

This has been the busiest season for managerial changes in a while - Coret pull off a coup, bringing in stalwart former Sabrefell Moths manager Rachel Weixelbraun. She isn’t quite in the hot seat yet, and watches from the stands as interim manager Claire Antioch oversees a lukewarm 1-1 draw with Maximum Rovers. West Brinemouth’s renaissance might just not be a thing, as they fail to even register a target against the Harriers. The attack is bad enough - Laura Weiler, a solid goalscorer at this level, has managed a grand total of two from her 25 matches - without the defence folding as well, which it does, crumbling yet again down the flanks. Sarah Carmady’s hamstring injury a few weeks ago was a disaster. Goodfeather, meanwhile, think they’re lucky when Lynwood scores an increasingly rare goal against Brinemouth in the fourth minute of the game. That’s, well… they ultimately lose 5-2, and the fans are growing restless.

Worrying echoes of the last leg, but a heavily-rested Treason do manage to break them down in the end. An unsettled home crowd relaxes once homegrown midfielder Sonja Dreyer drifts in from the left wing to score her first senior goal for the club.

Rivalries galore. Well, okay, two of them. Neither’s really that good a match, it has to be said - a grinding Sabrefell derby, settled in the end by Cliving’s masterful set piece headed home by the towering leap of Weaver, and what has come to be known as the Crownsend derby, with North Laithland getting two goals (one from each winger) in quick succession and stemming the bloodflow in the second half, Steed Corren making a number of excellent saves. Igrene Cantor does lace in an unstoppable thunderbastard from the edge of the box, but that’s what she does, and it’s not enough in any case. Weixelbraun’s first match in charge of the Hawks is… a pretty limp defeat to a vastly superior Crisisbless side, in all honesty. Meanwhile, Chatswood seem to bring back some of the old Lineker spirit, matching Starling every inch in blood, sweat and tears. And, impressively, in goals, as former Starling goalkeeper Middlesbrough concedes and then saves a penalty in the seventh minute and, just two minutes later, Nketiah sets up Serge Mavididi to rifle home the opener. Starling fight back and the class eventually tells, Gallagher with a late run into the box letting him head home a clever Asif cross before another Asif pass, more of a long ball this time, is rifled home by impressive teenager Elsa Kaelin, but after a scrappy set piece smashed into the box by Corsie everyone kicks each other around a bit before, finally, the substitute Matheson forces his way into the middle of the pinball and toebashes it over the line to ensure a useful point for the Woodsmen.

Conceding a goal wasn’t in the plan, but the Stags knew better than to underestimate a Charmat side that already accounted for Brinemouth. Portsgate’s header and a brace from Tarashaj was enough to see them through.

A few dull recent weeks. Not this matchday, though. Most eyes are on the Stags/Smiths match and it thoroughly disappoints, Treason are uncharacteristically poor and City entirely characteristically poor aside from Jelic between the posts. 0-0 the final score. Moving along to the real deal. The Saints have been good this season, haven’t they? Well, largely, that’s due to the homicidal presence of Olaf Womack anchoring the midfield - it’s a 2-2 dead heat in the first half until, on the stroke of the interval, he puts two studs into Sebastyen Barthez’s knees. That’s Barthez’s MCL gone and most of his season with it, and unsurprisingly Womack received his marching orders. In the second half? West, West, West, Weber and, um, West, made them pay, to the tune of a 7-2 victory. There’s the first perfect hat-trick of the season in Newrook as Maxine Lynwood returns to her old stomping ground and hometown club, a left-sidefoot into the far corner, a scuffed right-footer past a scrambling Summersteen and a neat enough header to put the Quakers 3-2 up at the break. Somehow, she manages to mute every one of her celebrations to lowkey fist-pumps as she jogs back to the halfway line. A rare and much-needed win? Well, Forster fumbles a cross within two minutes of the restart and Jacobsen stabs it home, and Fenwick returns off the bench from an ankle knock on the hour mark… immediately notching up a fantastic goal that thunders past Forster and then a perfect pass for charging rightback Luque to sidefoot home for Newrook’s fifth. Lip service has to be paid to a 3-3 draw between Brookford and Corvette, two sides running at each other with, despite the scoreline, some brilliant acrobatic saves from both Alphonse and Sparr, but the real match of the round has to be Athletic vs. Laithland. Ross Finlay’s free kick is deflected past Pressinger by the wayward leg of Gerhardt before Christian Serjeant’s thumping header puts Lara Finch’s side 2-0 up. Serjeant, incidentally, can apparently play as a centre-forward, and has done so this match as the Spiders search for a consistent goalscorer. But Athletic have a few of those - such as Chloe Rudden, whose first shot is intercepted by Lucassen’s face to beat Corren before chipping the goalkeeper herself and rifling a second goal into the top corner. North Laithland retake the lead on the stroke of half-time, Prisca Stenet with a rifled toebash. Unfortunately, in injury time, Steed Corren stretches… something taking a goalkick, and limps off the pitch. Enter Ophelia Rattin, a promising 19-year old goalkeeper, with number 12 Sinstadt also injured. She has a torrid time, gives away two penalties, is beaten at her near post and is, mercifully, blameless for Alexa Ferryman rifling home Athletic’s sixth, and a 92nd-minute strike from Louis Rhodes is scant consolation.

Nine straight defeats. Nine straight failures to score. Augustine Houghton would be fired, but, well, what can he do with this kind of squad? His tiny purple patch was worth something, at least. Of course, now that this streak’s been mentioned… Parrhesia, meanwhile, missing the entire core of their defensive plan, throw Gestede into the gap and hope for the best. And, surprisingly, they come away with a 2-1 win - Brinemouth think they see defensive shakiness and, to be fair, they’re right, but the Saints have just the right amount of pace in attack (‘lots’) to exploit on the counterattack, and despite a goal of the season contender from Dre Roenoujya who somehow manages to scorpion kick in a cross from Bartley, the Dockers succumb to another defeat. Treason enter their derby with one win from five but they make it up to the fans. Chatswood are back to striving hard and running hard but despite a wonder goal from Corsie they, too, succumb to the law of averages and Roddy Fraser’s forehead. Crisisbless are stunned by Sabrefell Moths, a quickfire first-half double from Aaliyah Johnson derailing the Heelers’ plan. Just as they string together a few shots and some decent possession in the second half, Leona Rafford needlessly headbutts Scheherezade Meier off the ball and receives a red for her troubles - Meier, for her part, scores a third.

IT IS OFFICIALLY TIME TO LOSE YOUR SHIT
WEST BRINEMOUTH SCORED A GOAL AND DID NOT LOSE
HOLY FUCK
They’re still really bad though, the Chariots are just flaky and a weak shot from Almerich slipped between Edelgrau’s legs somehow. Lockwood has done well between the posts for the Gulls and assuredly keeps them in the game here, ensuring a seemingly impossible 1-0 win. The Rovers relish a chance to put their local rivals deeper in the hole they’re digging - Catheline Harper’s side just fights harder and plays better than their rivals, Kurtis Woodbine has a one-man hack job laser-guided on Niko Rosmalen and, without him, the Smiths have nothing. The goals in the end are scored by Curren and Chapin, but the man of the match is Spyridon Kolitsidakis, who might not have fulfilled his early promise but, on his 26th birthday, shows he’s certainly come of age as a good Premiership midfielder. Meanwhile, the Stags look to be out of gas and spinning their wheels - they took a first-half 2-0 lead against Serpentine but a goal well against the run of play by Swanenburg just before the hour just swept out the rug from under their feet. The Stags are poor from then on, and seem oddly disjointed, and Gareth Corvine’s strike rifled into the ceiling of the net from 30 yards is entirely in sync with the run of play, and they look the most likely to score a winner in injury time… until Vesper swings in a decent corner, Tarashaj and McGuinness both contested it and Roddy Fraser, seemingly just sort of loitering in the middle of nowhere, happens to be in the right place at the right time to volley the ball low and hard past an unsighted Hartson. The luck of champions, or, at least, of Fraser, who seems to have a gift in finding the rub of the green. With Starling, Crisisbless and Athletic all dropping points, a vital win for the Stags.

Straightforward home wins, just what Nepharim fans like to see in UICA. Kyron Bartley’s potential and diligence can’t be faulted but his finishing has sometimes been questionable - not so tonight, rifling one into the far corner drifting in from the right before finding his way onto the far post and heading Roenoujya’s cross home, totally unmarked. Treason also get a secure margin, Igrene Cantor and Vedran Tarashaj getting the goods, but Metropolis do force some good saves from Fletcher.

This was less good. Two winnable home fixtures spoiled by draws - Starling only salvage it late on when Marquon’s flying header converts a crisp Costello free kick, while a dominant performance from former Bishop midfielder Emerald Sheehan is the catalyst for Pikemouth managing a draw against Athletic, though it’s Brittain’s straightforward header off Lena Waters’ cross that ultimately gets the result. Ulsa, meanwhile, are just a far better side than Creed. They escape Eura with a 2-0 defeat, Mathis Woodgate stemming the blood flow, but what could have been if Danica Farrier hadn’t skied from five yards in the 85th minute… ?

Confidence high on a run of one match unbeaten, West Brinemouth are promptly pulverised by the Stags. The Gulls do actually score first as Kunigunde Almerich continues her metamorphosis into a capable First Division striker (just in time, really) but the Stags wear them down and score three times after the hour mark to secure a more than deserved victory. Lockwood, yet again, impresses between the posts, and is reported to be a target for Cranequin, Newrook, North Laithland and Sabrefell Moths. On a goalkeeping note, Lukas Sparr’s put his early jitters behind him and the Maulers can basically thank him for a lucky 1-0 win over the Moths, Johanna Ankergren netting on the break as Sparr makes nine strong saves. The Harriers, meanwhile, have passed under the radar somewhat - but they’re unbeaten in 14 league games (though they did exit the Cup), have won eight of their last nine including travels to Starling and Brinemouth and today simply pulverised the Chariots, Konrad Feist continuing to put himself on the map for the Premiership’s top sides. But respect is also due to Raphael Somner, the 34-year old captain, and Mirzayev, the 29-year old who was signed from bloody Pravenna, who are one of the league’s lowest-key and most underrated midfield platform. They haven’t been too great at times, sure, but they’ve come into their own in this run of form. Who knows when it could end?

A complete borefest in Turoki. Stephen Frew’s squad has been woefully inconsistent, so while it’s a surprise to see him go compact and aim to spring counterattacks, it works. Metropolis Alligators rally on home soil, but the tie seems almost over when Igrene Cantor’s hammerblow is a 1-1 equaliser on the day but means that Metropolis need three more goals in the remaining 51 minutes. They get two, but Svensson’s reputation for, as is the term back in his native Cosumar, ‘clutch’ goals, comes to the fore yet again - though so much credit, naturally, goes to Vesper for whipping in another fantastic corner.

A poor game in the Whirl Islands is more than enough for the Sharks as the Passerines, uncharacteristically, just fail to turn up. Fegelein’s disgust is clear. Pikemouth dominate Athletic as well, a typically overachieving Brenecian performance that sees the lightning-quick forwards Wakefield, Brittain and substitute Mordred Greig each manage a goal as Athletic are carved apart on the counterattack again and again. Creed, surprisingly, close the gap in the first half - they go for pure physicality, Stavanger and the equally bruising Leadbetter each getting a goal in the first half, but in the second half returning Nepharim hero Adnan Szalai continues his dominance over Ash Reisman (later, mercifully, substituted for Thrush, but the 32-year old does even worse) and manages to nutmeg him, run onto the end of it and curling one past a surprised Woodgate’s near post. All three sides crash out.

Ignore everything that was just said about Chenoworth, Treason pump them 5-1. This time, it’s Starling who slip up - largely thanks to a sullen-looking but ever-professional Mathis Woodgate between the posts and the juggernaut Stavanger up front, neither of whom will be there next season (well, almost definitely). They still have the lead, five goal difference (though fewer scored) but the sides are locked on points. Crisisbless play to type, definitely in the hunt but with their incredible midfield demolishing Chatswood 6-1. That front five… Urso, Swan, Jevdjevic-Hadsic, Gandhi, Redmayne and even the substitute Sundu, all get on the scoresheet, and the inelegant header (Miller, off Archer’s corner) Chatswood use to claw back to 3-1 on the stroke of half-time just looks so inelegant. The Saints cling onto their place in 4th, but it takes a last-gasp equaliser from the Chariots from teenage forward Brigitte Coppinger at full stretch to keep them from a safer margin. As it stands, Athletic are 5th, a point behind Parrhesia and two ahead of the Moths - the two sides beat down the probably-relegated Gulls and Quakers by three goals at home. Brinemouth win ugly against Brookford, reliant on an unfortunate but hilarious defensive error from Esther Vannatter who accidentally slips with her foot on the ball and falls over - Silkman pounces, and does the rest. Four points away, if the Harriers can get their run of form back, they can

Stranded in midtable are a series of teams who thought they could do a whole lot better - the Chariots are seven points out of 7th, Creed round out the top 10 a point and a place behind and Vermillion’s negative goal difference puts them behind the Oathmen in 11th after a breezy victory over Bishop, a place behind them. The Cardinals, though, would be happy with their boring safety, and they’ve even managed to score more than a goal a match for once! Newrook City and Maximum Rovers are both involved in dull draws and will be happy with safety as well. Beneath them? North Laithland and Coret Hawks should be doing better than what they have. Funnily enough, managed by Lara Finch and Rachael Weixelbraun, the latter failing to get an immediate turnaround from the stalling Hawks. Neither’s at risk, but both need an upturn in fortunes - Finch’s job security is hanging by a thread, especially given this last result...

Brookford are sleepwalking into potential trouble, now 18th - they’re leapfrogged by a Corvette side that now looks most likely safe, thumping North Laithland 5-1 away. 21st and 22nd play out a really bad scoreless draw - Maximum City are winless in ten, remaining four points short of Cranequin Wanderers. The Wanderers have been pretty poor, granted - worse than when they went down with 52 points - but it seems like Tobias Clarke, when fit, might just drag them to safety. Chatswood, three points out of 21st but just having been hammered by the Heelers, look vulnerable. Goodfeather can get to safety on paper, but they’re slumping. Sebastian Seward’s made some neat tactical switches but the side simply isn’t good enough. West Brinemouth, freshly annihilated by Athletic, looked sunk in the first quarter of the season, enjoyed an impressive resurgence to recover for the halfway mark and… look sunk again. “This has been the worst year of my life,” says captain Pembroke in the post-match interview. Alright then.

Let’s be honest, the top four are set in stone. Morningstar have taken top place with their physical approach, a team that… oh, of course, Emery Lineker runs it now, and complete bastards like Arne van Hoof and Henrique Lopez are pummelling the second tier into oblivion. Armstrong and River need no introduction, while Belgrave’s more elegant, flowery approach has earned them many fans abroad but their wealthy image has earned them few at home. Sheridan are distinctly irritable being nine points short of them, with other recent Premiership sides in Leichhardt, Extreme Hills, South Laithland, Southfell and Crisisbless United rounding out the top 10. Cypher are 11th, somehow, despite selling all their best players in the offseason. It’s anyone’s game at the bottom, meanwhile, with six teams cut adrift at the bottom looking to fight for two places - Martella and Coret Rovers have them at the moment, with former Premiership sides Rochford and Shale and sides with high hopes skewered in Locksley and Riverkey. Rochford, incidentally, are on their fourth manager this season. None have worked out. Corvistone, worryingly, have fought their way to 7th, but still have a fight on their hands for promotion. It definitely looks like they went way too hard for experience, and they’re just… slow. Roe and Morham have been lifting them above their level.

PREMIERSHIP

Pos Team                      P   W   D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Starling                 34  22   8   4  70  26  +44  74
  2 AFC Treason              34  24   2   8  78  39  +39  74
  3 Crisisbless              34  20   7   7  73  36  +37  67
  4 Parrhesia United         34  19   6   9  59  41  +18  63
  5 Sabrefell Athletic       34  18   8   8  75  42  +33  62
  6 Sabrefell Moths          34  18   6  10  70  41  +29  60
  7 Brinemouth               34  18   4  12  53  48   +5  58
  8 Chenoworth Harriers      34  15   9  10  64  52  +12  54
  9 Violence Chariots        34  16   3  15  64  55   +9  51
 10 Creed United             34  13  11  10  40  39   +1  50
 11 Vermillion Rage          34  13  11  10  53  56   -3  50
 12 Bishop                   34  12  10  12  39  37   +2  46
 13 Newrook City             34  13   6  15  47  57  -10  45
 14 Maximum Rovers           34  12   7  15  39  50  -11  43
 15 North Laithland          34  13   4  17  54  67  -13  43
 16 Coret Hawks              34  10  12  12  41  46   -5  42
 17 Corvette Maulers         34  10   9  15  46  56  -10  39
 18 Brookford Otters         34  10   8  16  50  57   -7  38
 19 AFC Serpentine           34   9  10  15  45  64  -19  37
 20 Chatswood                34  10   5  19  41  70  -29  35
 21 Cranequin Wanderers      34   9   5  20  31  52  -21  32
 22 Maximum City             34   5  13  16  36  55  -19  28
 23 Goodfeather FC           34   7   4  23  34  76  -42  25
 24 West Brinemouth          34   5   6  23  14  54  -40  21

FIRST DIVISION

Pos Team                          P   W   D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Morningstar                  34  23   3   8  73  31  +42  72
  2 Armstrong                    34  21   9   4  48  23  +25  72
  3 Raven River                  34  21   6   7  62  27  +35  69
  4 Belgrave                     34  21   6   7  70  37  +33  69
  5 Sheridan                     34  17   9   8  39  28  +11  60
  6 Leichhardt                   34  17   7  10  32  21  +11  58
  7 Extreme Hills                34  16   8  10  58  41  +17  56
  8 South Laithland              34  16   6  12  46  36  +10  54
  9 Southfell United             34  14  10  10  56  46  +10  52
 10 Crisisbless United           34  16   4  14  71  62   +9  52
 11 Cypher Town                  34  15   6  13  41  43   -2  51
 12 Diamondqueen                 34  13  11  10  35  26   +9  50
 13 East Laithland Harriers      34  11  11  12  33  52  -19  44
 14 Ritter Town                  34  12   7  15  47  42   +5  43
 15 Iron City                    34  10  13  11  26  33   -7  43
 16 Cranequin City               34  11   8  15  33  39   -6  41
 17 Vermillion Wanderers         34  11   8  15  53  63  -10  41
 18 North Sabrefell              34   9   7  18  40  51  -11  34
 19 Martella Jazz                34   7   9  18  39  68  -29  30
 20 Coret Rovers                 34   6  11  17  35  62  -27  29
 21 Rochford                     34   7   7  20  26  53  -27  28
 22 Locksley                     34   7   6  21  38  72  -34  27
 23 AFC Shale                    34   5  11  18  19  38  -19  26
 24 Riverkey                     34   5  11  18  27  53  -26  26

SECOND DIVISION

Pos Team                        P   W   D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Greygate                   34  26   7   1  60  21  +39  85
  2 Hackett                    34  21   6   7  60  31  +29  69
  3 Mantlegrove                34  16  12   6  50  33  +17  60
  4 Sutcroft                   34  17   8   9  50  29  +21  59
  5 Chenoworth Rovers          34  17   8   9  44  29  +15  59
  6 Crossroads Town            34  16   9   9  48  35  +13  57
  7 AFC Corvistone             34  15   6  13  67  46  +21  51
  8 Crisisbless Athletic       34  15   5  14  43  39   +4  50
  9 West Hook                  34  13  11  10  38  36   +2  50
 10 Project +90                34  14   8  12  46  48   -2  50
 11 Brindleton                 34  14   6  14  45  41   +4  48
 12 Iron United                34  14   5  15  46  41   +5  47
 13 South Parrhesia            34  13   8  13  45  45   +0  47
 14 Boleyn Town                34  13   7  14  38  44   -6  46
 15 Stonegrave                 34  12   9  13  28  28   +0  45
 16 Dross Rovers               34  12   7  15  35  39   -4  43
 17 Southriver                 34  11   8  15  39  46   -7  41
 18 Iberia Chenoworth          34  11   7  16  56  73  -17  40
 19 Rhagant Schadenfreude      34  10   9  15  28  32   -4  39
 20 Kensey Town                34  10   9  15  41  47   -6  39
 21 Strephonage                34   9   4  21  24  55  -31  31
 22 Brookway Town              34   9   3  22  37  70  -33  30
 23 Senway Town                34   6   8  20  35  62  -27  26
 24 Ox River United            34   5   8  21  22  55  -33  23

THIRD DIVISION

Pos Team                       P   W   D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 The Strongest             34  24   6   4  83  30  +53  78
  2 Pillars of Southfell      34  21   7   6  53  29  +24  70
  3 Dartmouth Terriers        34  21   6   7  68  32  +36  69
  4 Rushe United              34  16   7  11  65  49  +16  55
  5 Long Lake                 34  15   9  10  48  31  +17  54
  6 Kommissar                 34  15   8  11  57  44  +13  53
  7 North Dubstep             34  14  10  10  45  34  +11  52
  8 Sutcroft Athletic         34  14  10  10  43  35   +8  52
  9 Falston Town              34  14   8  12  47  32  +15  50
 10 Gridlock Rovers           34  13  10  11  49  43   +6  49
 11 Peregrine                 34  14   5  15  52  59   -7  47
 12 Mainstream Fist           34  14   4  16  48  56   -8  46
 13 Bellamy                   34  12   9  13  34  36   -2  45
 14 Falston United            34  12   8  14  41  47   -6  44
 15 Fenland Albion            34  12   7  15  30  41  -11  43
 16 Ringway                   34  12   6  16  31  42  -11  42
 17 The Hanged Man            34  10  11  13  29  30   -1  41
 18 Fully Sick XI             34  11   8  15  53  62   -9  41
 19 Ballardine FC             34   9  12  13  51  55   -4  39
 20 Fischer                   34   9  12  13  40  54  -14  39
 21 Gridlock East             34   9   8  17  34  55  -21  35
 22 Corby Hubris              34   9   4  21  45  81  -36  31
 23 Grovebank                 34   8   5  21  31  56  -25  29
 24 Lackerrun                 34   7   6  21  46  90  -44  27

CONFERENCE WEST

Pos Team                        P   W   D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Mapleford                  34  23   6   5  69  36  +33  75
  2 Gosforth Swans             34  19   6   9  62  45  +17  63
  3 Alliance Barossia          34  18   8   8  44  27  +17  62
  4 Gonen's Bridge             34  17  10   7  55  26  +29  61
  5 Harrington                 34  16   8  10  64  41  +23  56
  6 Boltcroft Thorns           34  16   8  10  67  54  +13  56
  7 Gridlock                   34  15   8  11  41  26  +15  53
  8 Forge Carpenters           34  14  11   9  39  24  +15  53
  9 Swag Hill Rovers           34  15   7  12  61  58   +3  52
 10 Franchise FC               34  15   7  12  51  54   -3  52
 11 FC Seierstad               34  12   6  16  47  53   -6  42
 12 Norton Road                34  12   4  18  38  51  -13  40
 13 Nay Town                   34  10  10  14  41  58  -17  40
 14 Sirencall FC               34  11   5  18  52  57   -5  38
 15 Courser                    34  10   8  16  36  51  -15  38
 16 Ramsay                     34  11   5  18  34  50  -16  38
 17 Corinthians No Longer      34  10   5  19  56  68  -12  35
 18 Vermillion Spite           34   9   8  17  49  71  -22  35
 19 Tryst Athletic             34   9   8  17  35  57  -22  35
 20 Camwell Road               34   7   4  23  30  64  -34  25

CONFERENCE EAST

Pos Team                    P   W   D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Lazuli Diamonds        34  18   9   7  55  33  +22  63
  2 Downsparrow            34  17  11   6  40  29  +11  62
  3 Brunyard FC            34  17   9   8  59  37  +22  60
  4 Dubstep Rangers        34  16  12   6  54  36  +18  60
  5 Rochford Pilgrims      34  17   8   9  65  32  +33  59
  6 Blaze                  34  17   8   9  59  49  +10  59
  7 Rookwall               34  15  11   8  43  31  +12  56
  8 Coral Bay              34  13  12   9  35  37   -2  51
  9 Masculine Town         34  15   5  14  51  41  +10  50
 10 Stamper Road           34  14   6  14  51  49   +2  48
 11 Bodkin Road            34  11  13  10  37  37   +0  46
 12 Hartford Glade         34  12   9  13  39  41   -2  45
 13 South Brill            34  10  13  11  36  38   -2  43
 14 Twelvetrees            34   9  11  14  29  40  -11  38
 15 Violence Tigers        34   9   8  17  38  53  -15  35
 16 Celebryant FC          34   8   9  17  45  59  -14  33
 17 Sandrock               34   7  12  15  18  42  -24  33
 18 Norpike                34   8   7  19  31  48  -17  31
 19 West End               34   8   7  19  31  57  -26  31
 20 Clay Terrace           34   5   8  21  14  41  -27  23

by **Nephara** » Sat Jan 21, 2017 3:16 pm

No huge surprises. Sabrefell Athletic are arguably a little fortunate to get away with an away draw, but there’s plenty of chances at both ends and the undisputed man of the match is Sarracena, breaking down the middle of the park and sorting everything out. Lucassen misses a bevy of chances but does, importantly, shin one in eventually. Cranequin Wanderers have too much for the Southrons, even away - Gareth Teixeira is a terror against First Division defence, and even with Tobias Clarke rested, he gets the supply he needs to put home a brace. A sloppy pass from Julian Parable lets Ceni youth international Cesar Corvalan steal in, nudge past Serjeant and fire past Sinstadt for his first goal for his club, but an impressive second-half turnaround lets Tsikitsiris (back in attacking midfield) and Kistler grant the Spiders a narrow advantage. River cause Vermillion plenty of issues as 21-year old Cassadore impresses, but Cheney Bittencourt’s side tire visibly in the last ten minutes and fold, Sigrid Cooper beaten at her near post by Coraline Madrigal’s hopeful effort before a lapse of concentration by Hannes Caravel gives Tipio Runen free reign to notch up a winner.

A typically resolute performance from the Stags does well to hold Alianza at bay, but Randall will be less than pleased with the failure to score more than a single goal after a similarly resolute performance from the Guayabalense. Still, Cantor blazes home into the top corner from 20 yards, doing as she always does, to give the side a healthy advantage leading into the away leg.

After resting a lot of players between the two CEDC legs, Treason’s second-string are overpowered by the resplendent, confident Saints, former North Laithland man Atherton Telfair with two first-half headers. The Stags do get back into the match, Kuijer pulling one back from nothing before the screws really start to turn and Sabrine Portsgate scuffs home an ugly equaliser, but they overextend in attack and Parrhesia’s lightning-quick wingers strike decisively, Berisha leaving Lindgren in her dust before a long diagonal pass leaves Fletcher stranded in no-man’s land as Rouseff rifles it into the bottom corner. But they’re done a significant favour elsewhere as many of the other top sides slip, a vintage Brinemouth performance overpowering Starling as Gosforth drags them over the line in a 4-3 end-to-end thriller, Serpentine’s slight technical sloppiness patched over by their willingness to run forever and Carrie Mason’s crisp brace in a 3-2 win over a shellshocked Crisisbless and Athletic a little fortunate to escape Chenoworth with a draw, thanks to Avila Wardenier’s flying header. At the bottom of the table, Cranequin draw level on points with Chatswood and leapfrog them to safety on goal difference, never looking threatened at the back as a thumping free kick from Clarke and a swerving volley from Bismarck put a flourish on a deserved win for the Wanderers. Goodfeather defend tightly for once but can’t actually score in a 1-0 defeat and Maximum City lose a pulsating match to the Maulers, cutting them only further adrift.

An Athletic win was always anticipated, but 5-1? Avila Wardenier, who’s played her way into a rotation role up front, scores a silky hat-trick but it’s Olenna Darke, expected to leave at the end of the season, who pulls the strings in a more advanced role. Russ Cohurst’s far-post header off a beautiful diagonal cross from in-demand left-back Raquel Woods is an early shock in Cranequin, but the Wanderers get the job done in the end - Matt Payne levelling the scores, young Dakota Blaylock finishing off an impressive 90 minutes with a first-touch flick past Yossarian. A dull 1-1 draw between Starling and North Laithland is enough for the resilient Spiders to edge through, though they’re indebted to the shakiness of Melissa Aspen between the posts for Starling. The only real shock comes in Vermillion, as Raven River refuse to back down - even with an 8th-minute piledriver from Alemane puts the Rage even more firmly in the drivers’ seat. Apotheosis Kaskanis, a recent and wildly successful signing up front, scores a quickfire brace in retaliation before Adrian Heffernan is wrestled to the ground during a corner - the veteran captain Kendall converts the penalty crisply, on her 33rd birthday. Handed a rare start, Joscelyn Ambrose pulls one back in the 56th minute to level the aggregate scoreline, but a flying header from Kaskanis seals the match for the Ferrymen late on.

It’s Alianza in the CEdC. The inevitable happens.

Maximum City blow a much-needed chance to clamber closer to safety, Niko Rosmalen basically kicked into the dirt by Candelario and though Corvell scores a fortunate opener for the Smiths, Lynwood’s brace ensures a deserved Quaker victory. But although an insipid Chatswood are annihilated 4-0 by the inspired Maulers, Cranequin’s dull draw against Serpentine means the Quakers and Smiths are eight points from safety. West Brinemouth, brutalised 3-0 by a slick-as-ever Crisisbless outfit, are surely doomed by this stage. Olaf Womack, meanwhile, earns somehow only his second red card of the season. The scores locked at 1-1 against Athletic and seemingly simmering to a close, Womack somehow defends a corner with a flying kick. To Bronwyn Gerhardt’s face. Lucassen slots home the penalty and pegs the Saints back, but Spike Turnbull’s side is still in a good position for an unlikely top four berth.

Coret might just be back in business. They have had a thoroughly disappointing season, and are basically out of any kind of running, but… Gabriella Antonio’s brace took them past Brinemouth last week, and now another brace - this time with help from McDonald (twice, with two assists), Montague and Fletchclair sees them annihilate Vermillion. In response, Purrington slams home a direct free kick but that’s about it - cultural icon she may be, but at 33, Purrington is sadly done at the top level. At the top of the table, not even the Narrative can save the Passerines - you just knew it wasn’t going to go their way when in the third minutes, after Andisori was cleaned out by Katskalidis, Cautcher’s penalty slammed into the crossbar. Cautcher always scores against Treason. That’s how it’s meant to go. Asif picks up the slack, but Hargrave is put under siege, and the normally indomitable defence is found wanting - Treason win 4-2 in a massive boost to their title defence ambitions, though Crisisbless, annihilating Chenoworth 5-2 away from home, are still well in the hunt. At the bottom of the table, extremely boring away wins for Chatswood and Cranequin over Goodfeather and West Brinemouth (with Maximum City also beaten easily by Bishop) just increase the gap further.

Starling are choking, badly. They don’t play badly against Athletic - they aren’t even playing badly at all in general - but as they’re pressing for a win late on it just takes Koehler missing the inside run of Lovelock, who Ferryman finds with a raking pass and who provides her side with a great win, and dooms Starling to a fifth successive defeat. They’ve scored in all of them, and four have just been by the one goal, but… it’s not pretty, and the Stags press the advantage in a comfortable win over the Chariots. Crisisbless dent the Saints’ ambitions and significantly aid their own as Parrhesia just have no answer to the Heelers’ lethal midfield. Urso in particular leads by example, scoring twice and assisting twice in an eventual 6-1 win - but the Saints missed a penalty that could’ve put them 2-1 ahead, Telfair lashing it against the crossbar.

Chatswood are conclusively beaten by a Sanna-inspired Newrook while the Saints take down Cranequin and Brookford jump up and down on Maximum City. The Quakers have West Brinemouth at home. This is surely Goodfeather’s time to shine, if anything ever will be! Aaaand… they are terrible, instead! The Gulls sit back, wait for Goodfeather’s weak, overthought attacks to break down and spring counterattack after counterattack. Laura Weiler scores a mighty fourth league goal of the season, assisted by some midfielder they called up from the academy called Gerwyn Clarke, before Almerich and Logan Taylor ensure a comfortable 3-0 win. In related news, it’s made official that Sebastian Seward’s contract will not be extended into the new season. Starling snap their five defeats on the spin (they’ve only had eight all season!) by trashing Maximum Rovers 4-0 in a game where Cautcher, related, snaps her five-game goal drought with a handy brace. It’s actually Josie Sutton who opens the scoring with her first of the season, and Malachi Gallagher who finishes them off. The Chariots have handily the best of the east Sabrefell derby, a typically fiery affair where their case is aided by a reckless challenge and sending-off for Levin Castellan - their structure collapses, the Chariots take full advantage and Siorrha’Asione makes a typical ass of himself in front of the away fans. Finally, the Brinemouth/Treason silk vs. steel match isn’t terribly interesting, but both sides seemed content enough to take the point.

Perhaps visiting Crisisbless wasn’t the easiest of jobs for Starling, but they’re still right back to losing ways in what is starting to feel like a proper derby. Nobody snaps into tackles faster or better than Lauro Tedesco, an underrated part of Portia Thrift’s machine, but it’s the ability of Ozaria Gandhi to find the bottom corners from anywhere in the box that really causes trouble, as well as the ability of the Heeler midfield to find her unerringly. Coret’s resurgence is put rather damply to bed with a third straight defeat - most damningly of all, this one’s to lowly Maximum City. It feels somewhat redundant to keep trumpeting Niko Rosmalen’s name, and yet it continues to be him providing everything good the club does. But while he certainly creates enough chances for others, none are converted - it ends up coming down to a scuffle over a long Sable throw, that Dejan Corvell ends up getting on the end of and stabbing home.

Two good results for Nephara - in fact, after Treason blew Yuba out of the water, a single goal in the next leg will basically ensure their progression. The margins are tighter for Brinemouth, Dion Underwood’s shot from distance was probably saveable by Vintner, but a frenzied last twenty minutes ultimately sees Dre Roenoujya’s curling strike give the Dockers the away goal they deserve. They’ll feel confident about grabbing a home win.

Another punishing blow for the Quakers’ rapidly-slimming ambitions of survival, as the Saints outrun, out-think and outfight them in a painful 90 minutes. The midfield, supposedly their only asset, is battered into the earth by Womack while the quick and willing Rowan and Rademacher take the ball forward, make things happen. And, while Lynwood as usual finishes her one chance - and the 31-year old striker’s made her intentions to move abroad at the end of the season clear - Raven Forster lets in six at the other end. Brookford, similarly, punish Serpentine 5-1. They’ve struggled this season and will definitely need to make some changes in the off-season, but although they’ve been at the wrong end of the table, they’ve never been in serious danger - not as long as they’ve had someone the quality of Nikita Loeher banging them in up front, though veteran captain Brigid Kestrel’s the star of this particular fixture.

The Stags almost screw it up - almost. In truth, they don’t exert enough pressure going forward, get caught out a couple of times early on and Fletcher needs to make a few good saves to keep his side in the game - but the Stags settle in the second half, and they retain a dull stalemate to bring the game to a close. Nervy, but at least they made it. Brinemouth, sadly, did not - Roenoujya may have been the hero of the first leg but he was badly run ragged by Peter Morrison in the second, and the Eura international winger’s crosses eventually pay off with Lofty Jones flicking on a header to Underwood at the far post, who has a tap-in from three yards.

This is the last chance for Crisisbless, really. Win here, and pull the Stags back to a maybe-manageable five-point lead. They go out bravely, swinging hard for the fences, peg the Stags’ backs to the wall, force Gideon Fletcher into a couple of impressive saves… and concede in the tenth minute to a Cantor thunderblast. While they’re still reeling, Tarashaj makes it worse, and it takes until half-time for them to relax and refocus. They’re dominant in the second half, but struggle to penetrate against Ben Randall’s side which knows exactly what it’s doing, and though Anika Redmayne does manage to pull one back? There’s no second. Treason are now eleven points clear of Crisisbless, at the front of the table. Chatswood have a home tie to try and pull their way back to safetOH MY GOD. Well, it was already 1-0 to Vermillion, and then Chatswood had Gareth Flynn sent off for a headbutt and it just kind of… escalated. Catherine Purrington’s been under fire for her poor form this season but when totally unmarked she is essentially hell to deal with - as Helena Middlesbrough finds out, en route to an 8-1 defeat at home. To make matters worse? Cranequin’s direct physicality and staunch defence guides them to a 2-0 win over the Chariots, isolating the bottom 4 further. That includes the Smiths - not only are they annihilated 5-0 at home by the Moths in a game they really needed to win, but a spirited performance from Catheline Harper’s Rovers and resulting victory over Athletic might as well paint the town orange and black for the night.

Predictable enough results. Athletic want a trophy - admittedly, so do a probably-safe Wanderers, giving up on the pretense of their ropey Cup goalkeeper Rourke. But Luna Castelen isn’t really great either, and should never have let Alexa Ferryman’s low, dipping strike slip under her. Tobias Clarke does what he does, and Connor Scuffett heads the cross into the net - a 40th-minute equaliser, but Athletic go back ahead two minutes later when their own veteran winger, Oehman, goes it himself and manages to catch Castelen out at her near post. Nothing she could do against the final nail in their coffin, though - substitute centre-half Whyteleafe can’t get out of the way of a low, raking Oehman cross, and accidentally bundles it into her own net. Raven River are gamely up for the challenge against North Laithland, but the Spiders are too good for them in the first half. They run circles around the Ferrymen, but only Tsikitsiris can actually find the net, with Matt Bowerman (again, normally the league number 1) resolute between the posts. More holes open up on both sides in the second half, and while Rui Mokanga’s brace seems to have killed River’s chances off, Zivka Petkovic pulls one back and leaves the Ravens with a shot.

The trophy is wheeled outside the tunnel. The sides walk out - red and white hoops, black shorts, white socks, staring hungrily at it as they pass. Green shirts, white shorts and dark red socks (a set heavily rested for the forthcoming Cup tie, at any rate) glance nervously at their opponents. It’s clear who will win, and the Stags do not disappoint. 4-0 is the final score, and Ben Randall lifts the trophy. Even had they not, a clearly nervous Crisisbless blow it, too many memory lapses costing them against an Athletic side on a four-game losing streak - now broken, Avila Wardenier scoring a brace with a starting place that now looks her own as the Reds look to cling onto a Champions’ Cup spot as well as finding their way to a trophy.

In the end, the Wanderers don’t have what it takes - a driven Athletic play the patient game, stopping them from breaking out on the counterattack and when the Wanderers finally do open up a little 30 minutes in they almost immediately pay for it when Ferryman slips Wardenier through on goal and the young striker makes no mistake. Bereveskos puts the tie to rest on the stroke of half-time, but Heron Kendall puts the goalscoring touch on a strong cameo off the bench to at least remind the Wanderers’ fans that they have the makings of a decent team here. River immediately turn up the heat on the Spiders, a first-half Kaskanis brace putting the Ferrymen up on aggregate… but a spirited comeback in the second half gives Laithland the edge, Rui Mokanga enjoying a resurgence in form entirely restricted to these two legs. The unlikely source of rightback Mbukane puts River back in the lead for the night, but it’s the Spiders who will be meeting Athletic in the final.

The bottom three are finally confirmed - the bottom four, all but. Chatswood are beaten all too comfortably by North Laithland, Goodfeather surprisingly manage a clean sheet against the Chariots but the scoreless draw isn’t enough while Maximum City get destroyed by Brinemouth. Sebastian Seward will keep the job, somewhat controversially, while Providence Mitford is told to pack her bags immediately. City in particular… is bizarre, in a way. This side was one match from winning the league within the modern era, and was one of a handful of sides to have been in the Premiership throughout… but now they’re relegated, and as the news filters through to Corvette as they’re beaten down 4-0 by the champions (a match that inspired many comparisons to the Maulers’ spoiling act against Brinemouth years ago before the match, and none after) the away fans cheer, as do the Rovers in Crisisbless as their own team trails 2-0. City were not a popular side, but, in a way, they will be missed. West Brinemouth probably won’t be - they’ve been out for a while now, but at least go down swinging to Vermillion Rage in a 4-5 stunner. Kunigunde Almerich scores a brace to celebrate her re-invention as a quick striker, and she can’t resist celebrating against her hometown club, which goes down about as well as you’d expect.

Another homecoming for Nephara international Kieran Ritter, and after resolute defending against Brinemouth (and here) he batters home a header against the Stags, from an excellent Morrison set piece. But the Stags bite back and have the best of the remainder of the match - Cantor and Tarashaj come close, Douglas makes a brilliant save to deny Vyntra but in the end it is, predictably, Roddy Fraser making the difference for Treason. Can they succeed where Brinemouth failed?.

For the first time in a while, everything’s basically sorted out in time for the end of the season. Ben Randall rests his entire first-team and the replacements, including a couple of youth prospects, are ingloriously beaten by Goodfeather 1-0. Who cares? His side are still more than worthy champions. Crisisbless, the Moths and Starling (despite yet another defeat) round out the Champions’ Cup places. Athletic, eyes firmly on the Cup final, just about manage a home draw against Corvette - still better than 6th-placed Parrhesia, 7th Harriers and 8th Brinemouth, all of whom lose. Brinemouth were spirited in defeat to Crisisbless, Kyron Bartley’s scorpion kick a goal of the season contender, but barring some absurdity of goal difference they will not be in UICA next season. With Konrad Gosforth almost certain to leave this time, there’s a lot of soul-searching to do.

Things are pretty much sorted out at the bottom, too - Cranequin Wanderers might only manage a tepid 1-0 defeat to the Rovers, but Chatswood are even harder on the eye as they slump to a scoreless draw against the Smiths. They’re locked into 21st now, while the bottom three of Goodfeather, Maximum City and West Brinemouth have been confirmed for a while. Credit is due to the likes of Newrook City (11th), Bishop (15th) and Maximum Rovers (17th), as well, who were never even in the relegation picture.

With a cagey 1-0 win over Southfell, Raven River have all-but-mathematically secured the First Division title with some assertive, technically proficient football courtesy of Cheney Bittencourt’s guidance. Armstrong did their part, at least - Damian Harbour has basically dragged them right back into the Premiership, but the form of their disciplined defence didn’t hurt, either. They manage to drag Belgrave down with a 1-0 away win of their own, and Morningstar’s pulsating and violent 2-2 draw with the Southrons keeps Emery Lineker’s physical outfit in third, with Belgrave a point back in fourth. They’ll have to contend with fierce rivals Sheridan on the last matchday, too…

At the bottom of the First Division table, a number of sides (seven, specifically) are falling well short of getting a point per game, but the bottom four are confirmed. Shale and Rochford, two counterpunching small-town clubs who managed to stamp themselves on the map in the Premiership’s early days (Rochford, admittedly, only in yo-yo form) have slid down and will be missed, while ambitious Riverkey and Locksley, both far more attack-minded outfits, will be pegged back significantly by relegation where they’d hoped to consolidate. It’s worth noting that both Rochford and Shale were out of the top flight for good by the time Riverkey first washed up in the newly-formed Conference East. It would be an injustice not to mention events in the Second Division - specifically Greygate, beaten only once all season (back in their ninth match), cantering to a comfortable victory with a stunning 114 points. This despite selling last season’s top scorer in the window, Niko Boldman, to Morningstar - well, they reinvested well, and should make a mark on the second tier. Not making a mark on the second tier will be Corvistone, who, for all their big talk, limp to ninth.

No, the Stags cannot. A dull, dreary stalemate, two excellent defences and two excellent goalkeepers, but Treason need a goal and they simply cannot force one past Jeffrey Douglas. Bastion go to meet Real Azuris in the final - a remarkable feat for Real, given that no Cosumarite side had ever made it to even the Champions’ Cup knockout stages before their run this cycle.

PREMIERSHIP

Pos Team                      P   W   D   L  For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 AFC Treason              45  32   3  10  104  50  +54  99
  2 Crisisbless              45  27   7  11   99  50  +49  88
  3 Sabrefell Moths          45  26   8  11   97  54  +43  86
  4 Starling                 45  25   8  12   87  47  +40  83
  5 Sabrefell Athletic       45  22  11  12   92  62  +30  77
  6 Parrhesia United         45  23   7  15   82  64  +18  76
  7 Chenoworth Harriers      45  21  11  13   84  66  +18  74
  8 Brinemouth               45  21   8  16   73  67   +6  71
  9 Creed United             45  18  14  13   53  48   +5  68
 10 Vermillion Rage          45  18  14  13   77  76   +1  68
 11 Newrook City             45  19  10  16   61  65   -4  67
 12 Violence Chariots        45  19   8  18   76  67   +9  65
 13 North Laithland          45  19   6  20   68  79  -11  63
 14 Brookford Otters         45  17  10  18   79  74   +5  61
 15 Bishop                   45  16  12  17   49  48   +1  60
 16 Coret Hawks              45  15  14  16   61  62   -1  59
 17 Maximum Rovers           45  15   9  21   52  72  -20  54
 18 Corvette Maulers         45  13  12  20   59  73  -14  51
 19 AFC Serpentine           45  11  16  18   62  85  -23  49
 20 Cranequin Wanderers      45  13   8  24   43  66  -23  47
 21 Chatswood                45  12   7  26   48  96  -48  43
 22 Goodfeather FC           45  10   7  28   42  92  -50  37
 23 Maximum City             45   6  15  24   44  80  -36  33
 24 West Brinemouth          45   6   7  32   24  73  -49  25

FIRST DIVISION

Pos Team                          P   W   D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Raven River                  45  27  11   7  90  41  +49  92
  2 Armstrong                    45  26  11   8  62  34  +28  89
  3 Morningstar                  45  26   7  12  91  49  +42  85
  4 Belgrave                     45  26   6  13  88  51  +37  84
  5 Sheridan                     45  23  12  10  51  35  +16  81
  6 Leichhardt                   45  22  12  11  48  29  +19  78
  7 Extreme Hills                45  21  13  11  71  48  +23  76
  8 Diamondqueen                 45  20  12  13  53  34  +19  72
  9 Southfell United             45  19  13  13  79  63  +16  70
 10 South Laithland              45  20   9  16  60  46  +14  69
 11 Cypher Town                  45  19  12  14  52  49   +3  69
 12 Crisisbless United           45  19   8  18  86  82   +4  65
 13 Ritter Town                  45  18   7  20  61  57   +4  61
 14 Vermillion Wanderers         45  16  10  19  70  79   -9  58
 15 Cranequin City               45  15  12  18  43  45   -2  57
 16 Iron City                    45  13  17  15  40  45   -5  56
 17 East Laithland Harriers      45  12  12  21  38  79  -41  48
 18 Martella Jazz                45  10  13  22  52  85  -33  43
 19 Coret Rovers                 45  10  13  22  49  84  -35  43
 20 North Sabrefell              45  11   9  25  55  78  -23  42
 21 AFC Shale                    45   8  14  23  31  52  -21  38
 22 Riverkey                     45   7  17  21  42  67  -25  38
 23 Locksley                     45   9   9  27  49  91  -42  36
 24 Rochford                     45   7  13  25  31  69  -38  34

SECOND DIVISION

Pos Team                        P   W   D   L For   Ag  +/-  Pts
  1 Greygate                   45  35   9   1  87   26  +61  114
  2 Hackett                    45  27   8  10  82   46  +36   89
  3 Mantlegrove                45  23  14   8  65   44  +21   83
  4 Sutcroft                   45  20  13  12  56   35  +21   73
  5 Stonegrave                 45  20  12  13  47   33  +14   72
  6 Crossroads Town            45  20  10  15  69   58  +11   70
  7 Chenoworth Rovers          45  19  12  14  57   39  +18   69
  8 Crisisbless Athletic       45  20   8  17  66   55  +11   68
  9 AFC Corvistone             45  20   7  18  86   61  +25   67
 10 South Parrhesia            45  19  10  16  68   62   +6   67
 11 Iron United                45  19   9  17  61   54   +7   66
 12 Brindleton                 45  19   8  18  57   53   +4   65
 13 Project +90                45  18  11  16  62   63   -1   65
 14 West Hook                  45  15  13  17  44   51   -7   58
 15 Kensey Town                45  14  13  18  56   58   -2   55
 16 Dross Rovers               45  14  12  19  54   58   -4   54
 17 Boleyn Town                45  14  12  19  44   61  -17   54
 18 Southriver                 45  14  10  21  50   65  -15   52
 19 Rhagant Schadenfreude      45  12  12  21  35   46  -11   48
 20 Iberia Chenoworth          45  12  10  23  67  107  -40   46
 21 Brookway Town              45  13   4  28  45   87  -42   43
 22 Senway Town                45  10  11  24  48   75  -27   41
 23 Strephonage                45  10   9  26  34   71  -37   39
 24 Ox River United            45   8  13  24  29   61  -32   37

THIRD DIVISION

Pos Team                       P   W   D   L  For   Ag  +/-  Pts
  1 The Strongest             45  31   8   6  109   41  +68  101
  2 Pillars of Southfell      45  27   8  10   68   41  +27   89
  3 Dartmouth Terriers        45  24  10  11   88   45  +43   82
  4 Rushe United              45  21  10  14   83   57  +26   73
  5 North Dubstep             45  20  11  14   56   40  +16   71
  6 Sutcroft Athletic         45  19  14  12   60   49  +11   71
  7 Kommissar                 45  19  13  13   83   59  +24   70
  8 Falston Town              45  20   9  16   69   47  +22   69
  9 Long Lake                 45  19  11  15   59   46  +13   68
 10 Gridlock Rovers           45  18  13  14   64   52  +12   67
 11 Peregrine                 45  20   7  18   72   75   -3   67
 12 Bellamy                   45  17  13  15   52   53   -1   64
 13 Ringway                   45  18   8  19   44   51   -7   62
 14 Mainstream Fist           45  18   7  20   64   80  -16   61
 15 Falston United            45  16  10  19   54   61   -7   58
 16 The Hanged Man            45  14  15  16   38   39   -1   57
 17 Ballardine FC             45  13  15  17   71   74   -3   54
 18 Fenland Albion            45  15   8  22   37   57  -20   53
 19 Fischer                   45  12  14  19   51   74  -23   50
 20 Gridlock East             45  13   9  23   52   78  -26   48
 21 Fully Sick XI             45  11  12  22   61   88  -27   45
 22 Grovebank                 45  11   9  25   45   75  -30   42
 23 Corby Hubris              45  10   8  27   56   98  -42   38
 24 Lackerrun                 45   9   8  28   63  119  -56   35

CONFERENCE WEST

Pos Team                        P   W   D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Mapleford                  38  25   6   7  79  42  +37  81
  2 Gosforth Swans             38  23   6   9  71  48  +23  75
  3 Alliance Barossia          38  22   8   8  54  28  +26  74
  4 Gonen's Bridge             38  19  11   8  59  28  +31  68
  5 Boltcroft Thorns           38  19   9  10  77  56  +21  66
  6 Harrington                 38  18   9  11  71  44  +27  63
  7 Swag Hill Rovers           38  18   7  13  67  63   +4  61
  8 Forge Carpenters           38  16  12  10  41  26  +15  60
  9 Gridlock                   38  16   9  13  45  31  +14  57
 10 Franchise FC               38  15   8  15  54  61   -7  53
 11 Ramsay                     38  14   5  19  43  55  -12  47
 12 Norton Road                38  14   5  19  40  52  -12  47
 13 FC Seierstad               38  12   8  18  50  59   -9  44
 14 Sirencall FC               38  12   6  20  56  62   -6  42
 15 Courser                    38  10  10  18  37  56  -19  40
 16 Nay Town                   38  10  10  18  45  67  -22  40
 17 Corinthians No Longer      38  11   6  21  60  78  -18  39
 18 Tryst Athletic             38  10   9  19  38  66  -28  39
 19 Vermillion Spite           38  10   8  20  58  85  -27  38
 20 Camwell Road               38   8   4  26  36  74  -38  28

CONFERENCE EAST

Pos Team                    P   W   D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Downsparrow            38  21  11   6  47  30  +17  74
  2 Lazuli Diamonds        38  21   9   8  64  40  +24  72
  3 Rochford Pilgrims      38  20   8  10  75  41  +34  68
  4 Brunyard FC            38  19  11   8  63  38  +25  68
  5 Blaze                  38  18  10  10  64  54  +10  64
  6 Dubstep Rangers        38  17  12   9  57  44  +13  63
  7 Rookwall               38  15  12  11  46  37   +9  57
  8 Stamper Road           38  16   8  14  61  54   +7  56
  9 Masculine Town         38  16   6  16  53  44   +9  54
 10 Coral Bay              38  14  12  12  42  47   -5  54
 11 Hartford Glade         38  14  10  14  47  47   +0  52
 12 Bodkin Road            38  12  15  11  40  39   +1  51
 13 South Brill            38  11  14  13  40  45   -5  47
 14 Twelvetrees            38  11  11  16  32  43  -11  44
 15 Sandrock               38   9  13  16  23  46  -23  40
 16 Violence Tigers        38  10   8  20  40  58  -18  38
 17 Celebryant FC          38   9  10  19  49  64  -15  37
 18 West End               38   9   9  20  34  60  -26  36
 19 Norpike                38   9   8  21  36  54  -18  35
 20 Clay Terrace           38   5  11  22  16  44  -28  26

by **Nephara** » Thu Jan 26, 2017 2:55 pm

Premiership Final Matchday
Chatswood 0-2 Brinemouth
Cranequin Wanderers 2-2 Crisisbless
AFC Serpentine 3-2 Maximum City
Corvette Maulers 3-3 Maximum Rovers
West Brinemouth 1-1 North Laithland
Goodfeather FC 2-4 Sabrefell Athletic
Chenoworth Harriers 4-4 Sabrefell Moths
Bishop 1-0 AFC Treason
Parrhesia United 3-2 Vermillion Rage
Newrook City 3-2 Violence Chariots
Creed United 2-2 Coret Hawks
Brookford Otters 0-7 Starling

Without any unnecessary fanfare - all the necessary things are sorted out in advance, after all. Chatswood summarise their decline as their second-string fail to manage the traditional nail-biting brutalisation of Brinemouth, instead limply falling to a 2-0 defeat. Treason are beaten by a canny Bishop outfit, though it hardly matters to them - they’ve the title, after all! The Harriers take on crowd-pleasing duties with a 4-4 draw as they host the Moths, while Starling pulverise Brookford 7-0. It’s been a deeply disappointing end to the Passerines’ season and a very rough campaign for the Otters in general - but they’ll build from this. In fact, a series of high-scoring fixtures lifts the Premiership’s goal-per-game average above 3 for the first time! Already breaking the record of 2.8 set last season, positively eclipsing the previous nadir of 2.26 set in cycle 50. While goals do not necessarily mean quality, it has tended to coincide with the recent trend of high-quality players gelling with attacking, expansive pass-and-move sides climbing the ladder, compared to the more physical, stolid and direct.

In the second tier, Sheridan rest their entire side and roll over rather meekly in front of Morningstar to let Emery Lineker’s array of strong men secure an easy 1-0 win (Karo Vanstrattan rifling home the winner) in order to screw over Sherries’ local rivals, Belgrave. The Gargoyles fuck up their end of the bargain anyway, contriving to lose 1-0 to relegated Shale - perhaps manager Andros Rache saw it coming, and rested many of his best attacking players. It will be their expansive side that takes on Chatswood to see who will make it to the league.

PROMOTION PLAYOFF
It’s not the most exciting match, as it turns out - Chatswood have plenty of physicality, Belgrave plenty of pace and endeavour but both sides struggle for final product (much as the winner is expected to struggle to stay up next season). Nobody can make the difference in the first half, though perhaps Serge Mavididi will feel as though he should have - played masterfully through on goal by Robyn Sabitzer as the shaky centre-half partnership of Stepton and Naess was yet again breached all too easily, he managed to fire straight down former Nephara youth international Kosovare Fairweather’s throat.

The breakthrough comes late in the second half, as Belgrave’s fancy footwork finally comes to fruition. It’s a simple thing in the end, the excellent Dejana Petersen clipping in a neat diagonal cross and former Cranequin City centre-forward Claudia Oakwood skips past Strauss to flick the header past Helena Middlesbrough. The game comes alive, but only has seventeen minutes left to do so, and then then it falls into a pattern. Chatswood attack with desperation, but it breaks down and Belgrave launch a counterattack which Chatswood do well to stop in its tracks. But thanks in no small measure to an excellent double save from Fairweather - Archer’s long shot palmed down, and then somehow the overqualified substitute Matheson’s followup is clawed away for a corner - it’s confirmed. Chatswood, after a long stay in the top flight, have at last dropped out of it - never the same since axing Emery Lineker, who will of course be making her belated return with Morningstar.

Chatswood 0 - 1 Belgrave

CUP FINAL
A pretty juicy fixture on paper. Athletic might have had a top four place slip from their clutches - six points short at the end of the day - but they’ll be eager to ensure the season isn’t a wasted one. They rested many players in the last league ficture to bring their full forces to bear here, including former Spiders winger Chloe Rudden on the left and recent breakout star Avila Wardenier up front. But perhaps the lynchpin of double-World-Cup-winning USI, Yupanqui Sarracena, will be the key player here. North Laithland have done… pretty badly, if we’re being honest, in Lara Finch’s return to management. The side is in need of a lot of overhaul and may lose some of its stars, such as Guiliani, in the transfer window. Both sides line up in attack-minded 4-3-3 formations, and some real fireworks are anticipated - particularly on what is, in the Farham Arena, almost a home ground for the Reds.

And it goes convincingly their way in the first half, as those hoping for an even keel would have been disappointed - three Reds shots on target in the first eight minutes and 68% possession, the last of these shots coming as Riordan’s bamboozled by Bereveskos who crosses into the far post for Avila Wardenier to direct an impeccable header into the net. Already things going wrong for Finch, and the deficit’s almost doubled not long after, an error from Parable and failure to close down by the defence ensuring that Alexa Ferryman has all the time she needs to place a powerful shot. Steed Corren has to get down quickly and fast to get a hand to it, tipping it onto the outside of the post. But despite the rural side getting their foot back in the door, and Lind Pressinger, Athletic do, in the 36th minute, get their deserved second. Rudden wins a dangerous free kick, hacked down by Guiliani, and it’s a training ground routine from there - Ferryman taps it to Castellan who manages an impressive throughball that no Spider tracks, Corren doesn’t see ‘til too late and Rudden steals a march to tap it past him. She celebrates just a little before getting ahold of herself, but fuck it, it’s the Cup final, right?

The Spiders look sunk from that point, only kept in the game by solid defensive work (a rarity up to that point, in fairness) and a few strong saves from Steed Corren, who is supposedly eager to leave in the transfer window. The real issue is the lack of killing edge up front - 33-year old Rui Mokanga’s past his best and was never the most clinical technician to start with, though the fans have always been fond of him, while the first sight of goal Damian Keogh (his replacement) gets is shanked into the stands. In injury time, Tsikitsiris hits the post, but it’s as good as they’re getting. Athletic win 2-0, and thoroughly deserve both victory here and the Cup on their resume. Credit to Daniel Brunet, who gets another feather in his cap, and to his side, several of whom surely warrant a look by Reinhard Shale come the qualifiers...

Sabrefell Athletic 2 - 0 North Laithland

PREMIERSHIP

Pos Team                      P   W   D   L  For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 AFC Treason              46  32   3  11  104  51  +53  99
  2 Crisisbless              46  27   8  11  101  52  +49  89
  3 Sabrefell Moths          46  26   9  11  101  58  +43  87
  4 Starling                 46  26   8  12   94  47  +47  86
  5 Sabrefell Athletic       46  23  11  12   96  64  +32  80
  6 Parrhesia United         46  24   7  15   85  66  +19  79
  7 Chenoworth Harriers      46  21  12  13   88  70  +18  75
  8 Brinemouth               46  22   8  16   75  67   +8  74
  9 Newrook City             46  20  10  16   64  67   -3  70
 10 Creed United             46  18  15  13   55  50   +5  69
 11 Vermillion Rage          46  18  14  14   79  79   +0  68
 12 Violence Chariots        46  19   8  19   78  70   +8  65
 13 North Laithland          46  19   7  20   69  80  -11  64
 14 Bishop                   46  17  12  17   50  48   +2  63
 15 Brookford Otters         46  17  10  19   79  81   -2  61
 16 Coret Hawks              46  15  15  16   63  64   -1  60
 17 Maximum Rovers           46  15  10  21   55  75  -20  55
 18 Corvette Maulers         46  13  13  20   62  76  -14  52
 19 AFC Serpentine           46  12  16  18   65  87  -22  52
 20 Cranequin Wanderers      46  13   9  24   45  68  -23  48
 21 Chatswood                46  12   7  27   48  98  -50  43
 22 Goodfeather FC           46  10   7  29   44  96  -52  37
 23 Maximum City             46   6  15  25   46  83  -37  33
 24 West Brinemouth          46   6   8  32   25  74  -49  26

TOP SCORERS
30 - Johnson (SFM)
28 - Fraser (TRE)
26 - Cantor (TRE)
25 - Andisori (STA), Cautcher (STA)
22 - Loeher (BRO)
20 - Oz. Gandhi (CRI)
19 - Jevdjevic-Hadsic (CRI)
18 - Stavanger (CRD), Mason (SRP)
17 - West (CHH), Antonio (COH), Bereveskos (SFA), Voeller (VIC)
16 - Gosforth (BRI), Redmayne (CRI), Curren (MXR), Tsikitsiris (NLA), Berisha (PAR), Rudden (SFA)

AWARDS
Iron Boot (Goals Scored): Aaliyah Johnson (SFM)
Iron Ball (Player of the Year): Gideon Fletcher (TRE)
Iron Heart (U-21 Player of the Year): Roddy Fraser (TRE)
Iron Fist (Debutant of the Year): Peter Svensson (TRE)
Team of the Year: Fletcher (TRE); Rafford (CRI), Svensson (TRE), Marquon (STA), Lohengrin (CRI); Berisha (PAR), Labonne (TRE), Gosforth (BRI), Meier (SFM); Fraser (TRE), Johnson (SFM) - Bench: Hargrave (STA); Katskalidis (TRE), Bekkwaters (CHH), Urso (CRI), Womack (PAR), Rudden (SFA), Cautcher (STA)
Managers of the Year: Spike Turnbull (PAR)

FIRST DIVISION

Pos Team                          P   W   D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Raven River                  46  28  11   7  93  41  +52  95
  2 Armstrong                    46  26  11   9  62  36  +26  89
  3 Morningstar                  46  27   7  12  92  49  +43  88
  4 Belgrave                     46  26   6  14  88  52  +36  84
  5 Sheridan                     46  23  12  11  51  36  +15  81
  6 Leichhardt                   46  22  13  11  49  30  +19  79
  7 Extreme Hills                46  21  13  12  71  49  +22  76
  8 Diamondqueen                 46  21  12  13  55  35  +20  75
  9 South Laithland              46  21   9  16  62  46  +16  72
 10 Southfell United             46  19  13  14  80  65  +15  70
 11 Cypher Town                  46  19  12  15  53  51   +2  69
 12 Crisisbless United           46  20   8  18  88  83   +5  68
 13 Ritter Town                  46  19   7  20  63  58   +5  64
 14 Iron City                    46  14  17  15  42  45   -3  59
 15 Vermillion Wanderers         46  16  11  19  70  79   -9  59
 16 Cranequin City               46  15  12  19  43  48   -5  57
 17 East Laithland Harriers      46  12  12  22  39  81  -42  48
 18 North Sabrefell              46  12   9  25  56  78  -22  45
 19 Martella Jazz                46  10  14  22  53  86  -33  44
 20 Coret Rovers                 46  10  13  23  49  86  -37  43
 21 AFC Shale                    46   9  14  23  32  52  -20  41
 22 Riverkey                     46   7  18  21  42  67  -25  39
 23 Locksley                     46   9  10  27  50  92  -42  37
 24 Rochford                     46   7  14  25  32  70  -38  35

SECOND DIVISION

Pos Team                        P   W   D   L For   Ag  +/-  Pts
  1 Greygate                   46  35  10   1  88   27  +61  115
  2 Hackett                    46  27   9  10  83   47  +36   90
  3 Mantlegrove                46  24  14   8  67   44  +23   86
  4 Sutcroft                   46  21  13  12  57   35  +22   76
  5 Stonegrave                 46  20  13  13  48   34  +14   73
  6 Chenoworth Rovers          46  20  12  14  60   39  +21   72
  7 Crisisbless Athletic       46  21   8  17  70   55  +15   71
  8 Crossroads Town            46  20  11  15  70   59  +11   71
  9 South Parrhesia            46  20  10  16  70   63   +7   70
 10 Iron United                46  20   9  17  64   55   +9   69
 11 AFC Corvistone             46  20   8  18  87   62  +25   68
 12 Brindleton                 46  19   9  18  57   53   +4   66
 13 Project +90                46  18  11  17  62   67   -5   65
 14 West Hook                  46  15  13  18  44   52   -8   58
 15 Kensey Town                46  14  13  19  56   60   -4   55
 16 Dross Rovers               46  14  12  20  55   61   -6   54
 17 Boleyn Town                46  14  12  20  44   63  -19   54
 18 Southriver                 46  14  10  22  51   67  -16   52
 19 Rhagant Schadenfreude      46  12  13  21  36   47  -11   49
 20 Iberia Chenoworth          46  12  11  23  67  107  -40   47
 21 Brookway Town              46  14   4  28  47   87  -40   46
 22 Senway Town                46  10  11  25  48   78  -30   41
 23 Ox River United            46   9  13  24  30   61  -31   40
 24 Strephonage                46  10   9  27  34   72  -38   39

THIRD DIVISION

Pos Team                       P   W   D   L  For   Ag  +/-  Pts
  1 The Strongest             46  31   8   7  110   44  +66  101
  2 Pillars of Southfell      46  27   9  10   68   41  +27   90
  3 Dartmouth Terriers        46  24  11  11   88   45  +43   83
  4 Rushe United              46  22  10  14   85   57  +28   76
  5 North Dubstep             46  21  11  14   59   42  +17   74
  6 Kommissar                 46  19  14  13   83   59  +24   71
  7 Sutcroft Athletic         46  19  14  13   62   52  +10   71
  8 Falston Town              46  20  10  16   69   47  +22   70
  9 Peregrine                 46  21   7  18   75   76   -1   70
 10 Long Lake                 46  19  12  15   59   46  +13   69
 11 Gridlock Rovers           46  18  14  14   64   52  +12   68
 12 Bellamy                   46  17  13  16   52   55   -3   64
 13 Mainstream Fist           46  19   7  20   65   80  -15   64
 14 Ringway                   46  18   9  19   45   52   -7   63
 15 Falston United            46  17  10  19   57   61   -4   61
 16 The Hanged Man            46  15  15  16   40   39   +1   60
 17 Ballardine FC             46  13  16  17   72   75   -3   55
 18 Fenland Albion            46  15   9  22   37   57  -20   54
 19 Fischer                   46  12  15  19   51   74  -23   51
 20 Gridlock East             46  13   9  24   52   80  -28   48
 21 Fully Sick XI             46  11  12  23   61   89  -28   45
 22 Grovebank                 46  11   9  26   45   78  -33   42
 23 Corby Hubris              46  10   8  28   58  103  -45   38
 24 Lackerrun                 46  10   8  28   68  121  -53   38

CONFERENCE WEST

Pos Team                        P   W   D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Mapleford                  38  25   6   7  79  42  +37  81
  2 Gosforth Swans             38  23   6   9  71  48  +23  75
  3 Alliance Barossia          38  22   8   8  54  28  +26  74
  4 Gonen's Bridge             38  19  11   8  59  28  +31  68
  5 Boltcroft Thorns           38  19   9  10  77  56  +21  66
  6 Harrington                 38  18   9  11  71  44  +27  63
  7 Swag Hill Rovers           38  18   7  13  67  63   +4  61
  8 Forge Carpenters           38  16  12  10  41  26  +15  60
  9 Gridlock                   38  16   9  13  45  31  +14  57
 10 Franchise FC               38  15   8  15  54  61   -7  53  Folded
 11 Ramsay                     38  14   5  19  43  55  -12  47
 12 Norton Road                38  14   5  19  40  52  -12  47
 13 FC Seierstad               38  12   8  18  50  59   -9  44
 14 Sirencall FC               38  12   6  20  56  62   -6  42
 15 Courser                    38  10  10  18  37  56  -19  40
 16 Nay Town                   38  10  10  18  45  67  -22  40
 17 Corinthians No Longer      38  11   6  21  60  78  -18  39
 18 Tryst Athletic             38  10   9  19  38  66  -28  39
 19 Vermillion Spite           38  10   8  20  58  85  -27  38
 20 Camwell Road               38   8   4  26  36  74  -38  28
Promoted: Capricopia Rangers, Stonesthrow Town, Gartside FC

CONFERENCE EAST

Pos Team                    P   W   D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Downsparrow            38  21  11   6  47  30  +17  74
  2 Lazuli Diamonds        38  21   9   8  64  40  +24  72
  3 Rochford Pilgrims      38  20   8  10  75  41  +34  68
  4 Brunyard FC            38  19  11   8  63  38  +25  68
  5 Blaze                  38  18  10  10  64  54  +10  64
  6 Dubstep Rangers        38  17  12   9  57  44  +13  63
  7 Rookwall               38  15  12  11  46  37   +9  57
  8 Stamper Road           38  16   8  14  61  54   +7  56
  9 Masculine Town         38  16   6  16  53  44   +9  54
 10 Coral Bay              38  14  12  12  42  47   -5  54
 11 Hartford Glade         38  14  10  14  47  47   +0  52
 12 Bodkin Road            38  12  15  11  40  39   +1  51
 13 South Brill            38  11  14  13  40  45   -5  47
 14 Twelvetrees            38  11  11  16  32  43  -11  44
 15 Sandrock               38   9  13  16  23  46  -23  40
 16 Violence Tigers        38  10   8  20  40  58  -18  38
 17 Celebryant FC          38   9  10  19  49  64  -15  37
 18 West End               38   9   9  20  34  60  -26  36
 19 Norpike                38   9   8  21  36  54  -18  35
 20 Clay Terrace           38   5  11  22  16  44  -28  26
Promoted: The Travellers FC, Markoni

by **Nephara** » Sun May 21, 2017 1:48 pm

Season 67 Preview

LAST SEASON

Pos Team                      P   W   D   L  For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 AFC Treason              46  32   3  11  104  51  +53  99
  2 Crisisbless              46  27   8  11  101  52  +49  89
  3 Sabrefell Moths          46  26   9  11  101  58  +43  87
  4 Starling                 46  26   8  12   94  47  +47  86
  5 Sabrefell Athletic       46  23  11  12   96  64  +32  80
  6 Parrhesia United         46  24   7  15   85  66  +19  79
  7 Chenoworth Harriers      46  21  12  13   88  70  +18  75
  8 Brinemouth               46  22   8  16   75  67   +8  74
  9 Newrook City             46  20  10  16   64  67   -3  70
 10 Creed United             46  18  15  13   55  50   +5  69
 11 Vermillion Rage          46  18  14  14   79  79   +0  68
 12 Violence Chariots        46  19   8  19   78  70   +8  65
 13 North Laithland          46  19   7  20   69  80  -11  64
 14 Bishop                   46  17  12  17   50  48   +2  63
 15 Brookford Otters         46  17  10  19   79  81   -2  61
 16 Coret Hawks              46  15  15  16   63  64   -1  60
 17 Maximum Rovers           46  15  10  21   55  75  -20  55
 18 Corvette Maulers         46  13  13  20   62  76  -14  52
 19 AFC Serpentine           46  12  16  18   65  87  -22  52
 20 Cranequin Wanderers      46  13   9  24   45  68  -23  48
 21 Chatswood                46  12   7  27   48  98  -50  43
 22 Goodfeather FC           46  10   7  29   44  96  -52  37
 23 Maximum City             46   6  15  25   46  83  -37  33
 24 West Brinemouth          46   6   8  32   25  74  -49  26

  1 Raven River                  46  28  11   7  93  41  +52  95
  2 Armstrong                    46  26  11   9  62  36  +26  89
  3 Morningstar                  46  27   7  12  92  49  +43  88
  4 Belgrave                     46  26   6  14  88  52  +36  84
  5 Sheridan                     46  23  12  11  51  36  +15  81
  6 Leichhardt                   46  22  13  11  49  30  +19  79

TOP SCORERS
30 - Johnson (SFM)
28 - Fraser (TRE)
26 - Cantor (TRE)
25 - Andisori (STA), Cautcher (STA)
22 - Loeher (BRO)
20 - Oz. Gandhi (CRI)
19 - Jevdjevic-Hadsic (CRI)
18 - Stavanger (CRD), Mason (SRP)
17 - West (CHH), Antonio (COH), Bereveskos (SFA), Voeller (VIC)
16 - Gosforth (BRI), Redmayne (CRI), Curren (MXR), Tsikitsiris (NLA), Berisha (PAR), Rudden (SFA)

AWARDS
Iron Boot (Goals Scored): Aaliyah Johnson (SFM)
Iron Ball (Player of the Year): Gideon Fletcher (TRE)
Iron Heart (U-21 Player of the Year): Roddy Fraser (TRE)
Iron Fist (Debutant of the Year): Peter Svensson (TRE)
Team of the Year: Fletcher (TRE); Rafford (CRI), Svensson (TRE), Marquon (STA), Lohengrin (CRI); Berisha (PAR), Labonne (TRE), Gosforth (BRI), Meier (SFM); Fraser (TRE), Johnson (SFM) - Bench: Ballard (TRE); Katskalidis (TRE), Bekkwaters (CHH), Urso (CRI), Womack (PAR), Rudden (SFA), Cautcher (STA)
Managers of the Year: Spike Turnbull (PAR)

by **Nephara** » Sun May 21, 2017 1:49 pm

by **Nephara** » Sun May 21, 2017 1:50 pm

by **Nephara** » Sun May 21, 2017 1:51 pm

First Division Preview

Lower Down the Pyramid

With the departure of the Sunrise Islanders from this world, Project +90 folded across the globe, and the branch in Treason was no exception. The majority of the squad has left for abroad, with leading light Tristan Lovelock, among the top scorers in the third tier, being snapped up by Cenial Liberty while promising goalkeeper Camilla Kasapilis joined the reinstated Centre for Excellence, the academy of fallen Apoxian giants FC Endeavour.

As a result of the Project folding, as well as former Premiership outfit Franchise FC's fiscal collapse, an unprecedented six clubs have had to be found from the state leagues. Alliance Barossia of the West and the Rochford Pilgrims of the East played off in pre-season for the virtue of reaching the fourth tier, and goals from Mati Volkhart and Andreas Thrush were enough to see Alliance take a 2-0 win on neutral ground, in Corvistone. They then beat Fully Sick XI, who had a chance to reprieve their relegation, 4-1 on the same ground. Given the short notice, however, Alliance have only had a squad equipped for an anticipated Conference season, and they may struggle to keep afloat in the fourth tier. Sleetwell Rangers take Alliance's place in the Conference West. The next day, Brookway Town (21st in 2Div last season) annihilated North Dubstep 3-0 (5th in 3Div) to surprisingly keep ahold of their third-tier status.

Speaking of Corvistone, splashing out big last season didn't work so well, so they've tried for a more holistic, homegrown approach this season. Under the management of Lukas Pallister, who ran Project +90 Treason for its duration, they are among the favourites for third-tier promotion. Chenoworth Rovers will also harbour high hopes of regaining a second-tier place that they feel is rightfully theirs, with 32-year old journeyman striker Darren Stamford rumoured to be the highest-paid player in the division.

by **Nephara** » Sat May 27, 2017 3:00 pm

First match of the season, and Athletic - favourite for the title, straight off thumping Treason 3-0 on neutral ground - can’t break down Armstrong at home. Perhaps that’s not entirely correct - they do pepper Mako Holstad’s goal, largely from the outside of the box, but eventually Coltrane finds the pass to thread the needle to Chloe Rudden, who slips everyone by and rifles it home. But in the 89th minute, the game seemingly home and hosed, the substitute Josie Woodard hoofs the ball long and diagonal. Campbell and Gerhardt… let the ball bounce, between them, seemingly both thinking the other had it, and Damian Harbour bursts past them to crash the ball past a furious Lind Pressinger. Their only shot on target all game! Athletic had nine, with Armstrong’s holding midfielder Kisel player of the match. Across town, a derby between the Moths and Ferrymen is fought out to a 2-2 draw, Maxine Lynwood’s familiar face cropping up for a 2nd-minute goal while Diandra Kilbane re-introduces herself to the Premiership with a thunderous equalising free kick. Across the other side of town, Stiin Siorrha’Asione casts off any rumours of slipping away from the spotlight as his brace helps the Chariots blaze through the Maulers - could’ve been a hat-trick, but he blazed a late penalty into the stratosphere. Belgrave and Morningstar face winnable fixtures, but both blow them. Worryingly, Belgrave are simply outwitted and outmatched by the Rovers, while Morningstar are 2-1 up before a red card on debut for Kurtis Rough for smashing through Tsikitisiris on the stroke of half-time opens the way for Stenet and Finlay to save the day for the Spiders. Lisa Amos’ Starling face no such issues, and pulverise Bishop 4-0 - Lucius Kaspian battling for his place with a goal and two assists. Amidst all this, a clash at the sharp end between Crisisbless and Brinemouth is a rather dull affair, settled in the end by Jevdjevic-Hadsic’s twenty-yard piledriver.

Crisisbless reinforce their credentials with a demolition of Belgrave, a 3-0 away win that Kosovare Fairweather in the Belgrave goal single-handedly stops from getting worse. Drusilla Naess is dominated by the canny Cautcher, her beleagured substitute Stepton does even worse, and they present no threat up front. But the other three promoted sides all win - Matt Bowerman saves Gazzincha’s penalty and Kaskanis’ goal at the other end secures a deserved 1-0 win for River, Armstrong overpower the Rovers on the wings en route to a 2-1 win (Lindberg allowing Kouroglou’s shot to slip underneath him didn’t hurt) and Emery Lineker will take great satisfaction in her Morningstar side beating the shit out of Brinemouth. Marko Petrosian scores the first and Barak Sahar heads home the winner from an inch-perfect Woodwind corner, with Candelo’s late consolation immaterial. The Dockers remain pointless.

Vermillion derby! Two sides playing 4-3-3, new strikers and goalkeepers and with weaknesses at rightback. Sadly, in the event, Sinan Uzunlar (still goalless) doesn’t do particularly… much. Davor Antunovic? Does. Coraline Madrigal ‘megs Alexandros, runs past her and clips in an inch-perfect cross, Antunovic gets the jump on Brun and clatters home a header low and hard past Darren Koufax. The Saints’ goalkeeper has to do well to stop further shots from Alemane, Aveline and eventually the Quisling substitute Xidhas (after Aveline limps off injured in the 28th minute, Womack pulling his best ‘it wasn’t me’ face) before Paulsson’s thunderous strike kills off the game in the 40th minute. “We just didn’t fight for it,” Turnbull seethes in the aftermath. Belgrave finally get points on the board in a dull match against Armstrong, saved again by Fairweather before Dejana Petersen rifles their first goal of the season past Holstad’s near post. Crisisbless continue their rampage by pumping Morningstar 4-1, Brinemouth finally spark up and break River into their component parts to the tune of a 3-0 win while Bishop, thanks largely to an Ansel Penbrooke hattrick (he’s actually scored all four of their goals thus far), hand Treason their first defeat of the season.

Who’d have thought it? Armstrong can score three goals in one match! Crisisbless, yet to drop a point, might have been sweating in the 70th minute - the scores locked at 3-3 and Lauro Tedesco sent off for a second yellow card. Instead, what happens? Two substitutes - Sante Sundu smashes home a winner and Redmayne hammers home a fifth in injury time. Meanwhile, it might just be possible that Belgrave are terrible at football. It’s an unusually open match against Cranequin Wanderers, but Darren Gravesend has a flier in goal and the Wanderers refuse to be nearly as wasteful as the profligate Violets. Sroel Cavan runs the show, an excellent signing so far, and gets the first goal, Evans opens his account with a driving half-volley before the impressive teenager Rowena Strongbow tallies her first in her senior career, an arcing shot that rises perfectly over Fairweather, to cap off a brilliant win. Gazzincha looks unusually sober before the Spiders’ hammering of the Harriers, a match in which his every touch is perfect. He dominates the midfield and places passes perfectly across the field, notching up two goals and an assist. The only bright spot for the Harriers? Airik Ruhl finally gets his first goal for the club- oh, wait, it’s chalked off for offside.

The Saints really should close the game against North Laithland - Sinan Uzunlar scores his first goal, admittedly in farcical circumstances (a heavy first touch leads to pinball in the box, but he pushes through his way to the ball and thumps it past a stranded Corren), but they’re unable to follow up on it before Gazzincha’s scorpion kick, of all things, homes in on goal. Admittedly, it homes in straight at Koufax’s shins… until it bounces off Brun’s thigh and whuds lamely over the goalline. Catherine Locklear’s Creed have played pretty well this season, and will feel especially proud to claw back a 2-1 deficit at half-time to a 3-2 win away from home against the Moths… but did Conor Magellan punch his equaliser into the net? Yes. Yes he did. The fans, if anything, love him more for it. Brinemouth have still only won the single game as the Harriers bounce back in style, goals on either wing from Rexmont and Feist securing a valuable 2-1 win away.

Finally. He took his sweet time, but Airik Ruhl - who has started seven matches for the Harriers (two in international tournaments) thus far - gets his first goal. Steven Rexmont dominates Morningstar rightback Rough throughout (who never quite seems to recover from an early booking) and slots in a low cross, Ruhl reads it well and strokes it between Ceferin’s sprawling legs. Rexmont is a force of nature that game, getting two goals of his own en route to a 5-1 win - and Morningstar’s 1 is Sahar’s off a corner, making the big centre-half their top scorer of the season so far. It’s a good week for thumpings generally - Brookford shock Athletic 3-0, for instance, with Danira Plibersek inspired in the centre of the park, and Creed pump the hapless Spiders 4-0. 30-year old journeyman Soren Maaksemstad, with his fifth and sixth goals of the season, finds himself the league’s top scorer. Treason midfielder Vedran Tarashaj manages to alienate his hometown club, smashing home a late winner and celebrating freely. He was blunt as ever to the press afterwards; “Look, I like scoring goals.” Fair enough, Tara. Fair enough.

Really bad signs in Maximum, as the Rovers are thumped 4-1 by Brookford on home turf. There’s a suspicion that an aging, mediocre side has just gotten a step too aging and mediocre, and Aziz Senturk, now 32, doesn’t have that same capacity to eviscerate a side on a good day. They just look horribly off the pace, goalscorer Kolitsidakis aside. Ruhl develops a newfound taste for scoring goals, a second-half brace of headers seperating the Harriers from the Ferrymen. Meanwhile, a pulsating fixture in Sabrefell, the Moths hosting the Chariots. Siorrha’Asione, despite fresh new tabloid allegations, starts! And scores within twenty-eight seconds of kickoff, pouncing on a loose pass by Theresa Desantis, nutmegging Armstrong and chipping Griffin. But then the Moths hit back - Johnson twice, either side of Meier smashing the ball into the top corner from thirty yards. The Chariots are dominated in the second half, until late on, two counterattacks carve the Moths apart, with a substitute in 21-year old striker Claudia Escrow making the difference with two goals. Criticise the Moths’ game management as much as you want, it was still a staggering comeback, and a testament to Escrow’s promise (and, for what it’s worth, the much-maligned Edelgrau for making a litany of saves).

Eight straight wins for Crisisbless. They’ve maanged five clean sheets, too, and there’ve been some thumping wins in the mix - this 4-1 over a hapless Corvette the latest of them. The much-maligned Portia Thrift seems determined to keep ahold of her job after a very rocky start with the club. The Hawks add to Maximum’s issues, sweeping them aside 5-1. The first three goals come within the first half-hour and though Konstanze Luitgard hits back not long after, Kurtis Woodbine’s red card for a scything challenge on Jenny McDonald kills the game off as a contest, Alyss Montague and Dorian Fletchclair notching up their first goals of the season in the second half to ratchet up a humiliating scoreline. “They didn’t even fight out there!” an incredulous Catheline Harper vents to the press. Loose cannons Gazzincha and Stiin Siorrha’Asione are both sent off in the 50th minute of Violence against North Laithland for brawling mid-game, each having a goal to their name by that point, and a vibrant match turns into a grinding slugfest that goes the Chariots’ way, 2-1. Meanwhile, at the business end of the table, Treason are outgunned by the Moths. Robert Griffin has a brilliant match between the posts for Sabrefell, with Mathilda Jaeger the player of the match for her role, brilliantly dropping deep to link midfield and Johnson. ‘Two assists’, one to Belgrave and one to Johnson, is a grave disservice to her impact on the match.

A fascinating week of results in a week where six of them ended 2-1 wins for the hosts. Crisisbless finally stop in their tracks, Aidan Brosque telling his Harriers to just mark the shit out of the Heelers, switching to a Christmas tree formation with three holding midfielders and battening down the hatches. Ruhl is played one-on-one with the goalkeeper twice, but Marciak proves Crisisbless’ saviour yet again, while Sheffield is barely threatened. Will Thrift take it with good grace? “I don’t know what the fuck Brosque was playing at, but it wasn’t football, that’s a fact.” So that’s a no, then. All the newly-promoted sides win, and some are pretty damn impressive - Belgrave’s 2-1 victory over Coret may prove particularly vital - and even Corvette finally manage their first win of the season. They play right into Alexis Spurlock’s hands, but a powerful shot from Ruza Djuric somehow slips through Rebecca Scannell’s hands while Sparr is faultless at the other end, and the Maulers take home a 1-0 win. Also winning at the foot of the table? Uh… Brinemouth. Kyron Bartley’s late winner over the Chariots secures just their third win of the season, releasing just a bit of the tension on Stephen Frew. North Laithland get their chance to have it out with Treason and, for the first time in what seems like forever, actually win - it’s a tight match, but excellent work on the flanks by Guiliani and Riordan shuts down the wings, 21-year old Rasunda Vanderlei shuts down the midfield and goals from Prisca Stenet and Luke Wintergren (deputising for the suspended Gazzincha) secure a valuable 2-1 win for the Spiders. And then a Sabrefell derby on top of it all - but it’s not much of a contest, it has to be said. Athletic are dominant from start to finish, Jaeger’s goal (an equaliser at the time) seeming like an anomaly, and while it takes a 87th-minute third goal from substitute Gareth Corvine to seal the deal, it was ultimately fairly cruisy.

And then things get worse for Brinemouth, as Treason calmly contains them with unnerving ease. Sure, Treason are really good, and are at home, but… still. It should be harder than this! Cranequin Wanderers, out of basically nowhere, tear Brookford to shreds. Yet again it’s Sroel Cavan who’s the star for Cranequin, and Brookford don’t have an answer for his intensity, or for Strongbow on the left, or the strike partnership of Teixeira and Evans, and somehow the score ends 5-1. Crisisbless are held to a draw again - Rebecca Scannell retains her place and rewards the faith with an excellent performance for Bishop… until her injury in the 52nd minute unsuccessfully defending a one-on-one leads to a penalty, with Crisisbless leading 1-0. But Connor Risdon sprawls across to save the shot and five minutes later, Bishop equalises through Sasha Shawcroft’s first goal of the season. As for the Chariots… remember how they were praised so recently for their game maangement? They’re up 2-0 against Morningstar at the hour mark and seemingly cruising and then Siorrha’Asione, who had been niggled and battered throughout the game by Lineker’s players, is sent crashing to the ground by Stars leftback Lothar Andreas. In response, he… launches himself off the ground with his hands, studs-first, at Andreas’ chest. He’s sent off, and then a flurry of action sees the game close out 3-3 with the equally temperamental Henrique Lopez the hat-trick hero for the away side. Two red cards in two appearances for Siorrha’Asione, who might have some thinking to do.

It all kicks off. What’s more, it does so in real style and fashion for Crisisbless and Treason! Perhaps no surprise, Crisisbless are still unbeaten, and with fringe Nephara international Jason Petratos between the posts for RGS take absolutely no mercy, bullying the Eastfield side to a 4-0 win. It’s the same deal for Treason, who pump Excelsior by the same scoreline - the two-man midfield of Labonne and Tarashaj form a relentless axis of muscle in the centre of the park. 1830 Cathair, meanwhile, host the Moths in arguably the most-anticipated tie of all of football that week - but somehow, despite Alpha Gandhi, Espy va Drake, Aaliyah Johnson and Scheherazade Meier all somehow being on the same pitch at the same time, they grind out a stalemate. Robert Griffin takes home the plaudits as man of the match, but it could easily have gone to Soldarian for shutting down the Moths’ midfield as well. Would that Starling could boast even a dire stalemate - but no, they’re outplayed by Reinhard Shale’s Cornellians all over the pitch for a 2-0 defeat on home soil - a result Schottian media is debating could be the greatest result in their history.

Less success for Nephara in the Globe Cup. Parrhesia, who are floundering in the league, don’t cope much better heading abroad and though Sinan Uzunlar manages to get his feet off the ground with a brace the Saints deserve their defeat. Athletic at least manage a draw, but Oscar Coltrane plays poorly - hitherto everpresent, he’s substituted off for the first time. In his absence, Levin Castellan sets up a late equaliser in injury time for Bereveskos, and it’s probably deserved on the balance of things, but it’s a close-run thing.

A lot of tight fixtures this week, with one clear exception - the Moths blow Belgrave away. The Gargoyles just don’t have an answer to… anything, really. Johnson scores and Dejana Petersen equalises within the first ten minutes but after that point the Moths crush them. Credit’s due to Athletic as well, as they really twist the knife into a poor Brinemouth side - Chloe Rudden’s brace does the damage. Corvette manage to edge Brookford in the first half, 2-1, but they absolutely collapse in the second as Nikita Loeher blazes to life with a hat-trick - Lukas Sparr is furious at his defence and also suspiciously ineffective at his near post throughout. Meanwhile, Emery Lineker’s Stars come up against Treason. The manager’s a love-to-hate figure by the Stags, and the feeling’s mutual - but while her niggly, bitty side somehow manages 48% of the possession and a few decent shots, they just aren’t clinical enough, while at the other end Roddy Fraser is… himself.

First round of the Cup, and as always there’s a lot to talk about. Markoni and the Travellers, both promoted to the Conference East last season, come up against each other as a study in contrasts. Markoni are veterans of the division in their second stint while the Travellers, based in the Vale, are a ragged patchwork who seek to represent an entire demographic. The match itself is pretty dire, secured in the end by the penalty-saving prowess of Kenneth Ratchett, who saves all three penalties the Travellers throw at him in the shootout. Sleetwell Rangers are the only newly-promoted side to the West who win, grinding a 1-0 win over Senway a division above. It’s the latest humiliation for Senway, a side in freefall and set for consecutive relegations if they can’t work their way out of their current tailspin. Alliance Barossia take a break from their relegation battle to stamp their authority on Masculine Town - given a special dispensation as the sole semi-professional side in the national leagues, they’re unsurprisingly in the shit in the fourth tier, but this thumping 3-0 win will ease the nerves. It’s Downsparrow, though, who catch the most eyes - they tear FC Seierstad to shreds to the tune of an 8-0 demolition.

Crisisbless suffer their first defeat of the campaign! They race out to an early lead courtesy of Ozaria Gandhi but are undone by their former player Rook Fenwick and Newrook’s top scorer Alan Bothroyd, who has had a quiet start to life in Nephara. It gives Sabrefell Athletic a chance to overtake them at the top but Morningstar doesn’t feel like obliging, thank you very much, and a late Henrique Lopez header splits the points. Athletic are now second, short on goal difference. Starling hammer Chenoworth 6-1 thanks largely to the inspirational Liam Armstrong but also to the pace of Andisori and Hawke, which the Harriers’ aging defence has no answer to. Bishop, surprisingly, are fourth after a flying start to the season - a calm, professional 2-0 win over the Otters is just the gameplan working to perfection. They overtake Treason, who stumble to a 2-2 home draw against safely midtable River (Apotheosis Kaskanis doing the damage for the Ferrymen), and the aforementioned Harriers. Coret, pulverising Corvette 6-3, round out the UICA places, edging Creed United on goals scored. Sabrefell Moths have had a fairly disjointed start to the season thus far, scoring 25 goals but conceding 20, and lie 9th - but a thoroughly professional 3-1 victory over Armstrong sets them on the right path again.

And credit to Armstrong - they’re doing far better than expected, three points above danger in sixteenth. The four teams between them and the playoff place are locked on 13 points - Newrook only clambering there thanks to their win over Crisisbless. Cranequin, less happy with their results, are trashed 5-1 by a Paulsson-inspired Vermillion, Belgrave are beaten 2-0 by North Laithland and Maximum Rovers manage a desperate, scrappy 1-1 draw against Brinemouth. Where are Brinemouth? The relegation playoff place. Inexplicably, they have just twelve points thus far, and while a few injuries haven’t helped… 21st? Really? Parrhesia clinch a vital three points away to Creed thanks to Jazmin Dragana weaving past McMillan and Dukakis and chipping Beresford in first half injury time. Dragana came to the Saints to be at a stronger club, which is now 18 places below where she just left. Oops. Morningstar are doing surprisingly poorly, despite Lineker’s bullish statements and their impressive draw, while Corvette, on just six points - already seven from complete safety - and having conceded a staggering 32 goals, are in serious trouble.

A mixed week for ~the coefficient~. Crisisbless slump to a 3-1 defeat at the hands of Capri - journeyman Nepharim striker Sue Hackett’s flying header opens the scores, and though Jevdjevic-Hadsic’s crisp finish levels it a second-half brace from Mithtata seals an impressive win for the Vanorian side. Treason makes light, professional work of Sonoma, two headers either side of half-time from Fraser and the unlikely Vesper securing a victory, while Sabrefell overpower Daineri outfit Wios with Mathilda Jaeger yet again emerging in a starring role. Avenida Leal and Starling are evenly matched for 89 minutes and then a brilliant pass from Ruy Monrazon splits open the Passerines’ defence and, with a pumping run inside from the flank, Trejo Maes comes out of nowhere to smash it past Hargrave and give Avenida a valuable 2-1 win in trademark Farfish style.

Quinn McEthinly was reunited with Handon United and, more pertinently, Jane Gullie - the manager who’d released her from the club. Swanhilda Berisha got the game off to a good start for Parrhesia despite their floundering Premiership form, but second-half goals from Lovenkrands and Nunez ensured Handon took home the points. McEthinly got twenty minutes in the second half to replace the anonymous Uzunlar and salvage something, but the most she could do is hit the outside of a post. After a sloppy first half, Athletic clawed their way back down from a 2-0 deficit to claim a valuable point as Coltrane clipped in a free kick and the substitute Lindan Lucassen hammered home a late leveller.

Some decisive winners and losers across the first phase in the second tier. Diamondqueen splatted East Laithland 3-0 in the first match and neither side ever looked back - the Diamonds are unbeaten and have conceded just four goals (as many as they put past Iron City away in one match) to date, while East Laithland have staggered from humiliation to humiliation under a weary Providence Mitford, culminating in a 7-1 capitulation at the hands of a professional-looking Southfell United. The Tanners are mostly just annihilating opponents with their midfield Leichhardt are also going strong, also unbeaten and haven’t conceded in five matches, while Extreme Hills have limped into fourth largely through the goals of Dieter Vorbeck (who has contributed nine of their seventeen, four coming in a single 6-0 match against Coret Rovers) alone.

None of last season’s relegated sides are in the promotion places, and only Goodfeather is even in the top half presently - the Quakers suffered a rude introduction to the second tier as Iron bashed and buffered them before Refik Penterzen’s free kick ensured a 1-0 win. Seward has rallied his troops from that, but they’ve been soundly beaten by struggling Hackett as well and a 3-0 thumping by Diamondqueen on their own turf showed them how far they’ve got to go. Hawke’s policy of letting Gary Corsie train with the reserves hasn’t worked out - the defence has been fine, but the midfield has failed to step up and support Joan Vickers (five goals) and Cohen (just three). But they overturned everything last season - Maximum City changed basically nothing, and yet the two are only split on goals scored. Somehow, West Brinemouth actually started well with three wins from their first four... but then the slide started. Eight goals is joint-lowest in the league, and Kunigunde Almerich, tipped to thrive in the second tier, has played every minute and scored exactly once. Newly-promoted Greygate are above the three of them, spurred on by the surprisingly good form of Richard Harrison, of all people.

At the bottom of the table, it’s… more or less as expected. Cranequin City, winless in five, have allowed themselves to be pulled into trouble as it’s just become evident that they lack pace of any kind (Rebecca Kelsey might be able to hold back the ravages of time, but Glaive? Not so much). Laura Annesley’s started slowly, but she’s scored two equalisers in the past two games to keep their heads above water. Unbeaten in three, Hackett are keeping their heads above water, but their signings have been haphazard - Bueskens isn’t up to scratch at this level anymore, but she’s been replaced by teenaged Project +90 salvage Nicola Wrexham, who’s impressed. They’ve clambered past Sutcroft, who have failed to score in their last three and been beaten in all of them, most recently allowing goalshy Leichhardt to fire three past Elsa Farian. At the foot of the table Sheridan - who, it has to be reminded, came fifth last season - have been utterly dire, winless since the opening day and losing to Martella (at home) and East Laithland (3-0!) in their past two matches. East Laithland can’t be too smug, given the aforementioned 7-1 humiliation, while Martella have conceded twenty-eight goals despite some acrobatic performances by Ulf Foxhole (without whom they’d be fucked), which says... everything. A long-term injury to Michelle Trelawney early in the season has proven disastrous, and you’d expect them and the Harriers to go down. Sheridan? They have the quality, and a proven record - it just needs to be marshalled. You’d imagine that any manager who hadn’t done as much for them as Stubbs has would be out on his ear by now.

PREMIERSHIP

Pos Team                      P  W  D  L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Crisisbless              12  9  2  1  26   8  +18  29
  2 Sabrefell Athletic       12  9  2  1  25  15  +10  29
  3 Starling                 12  6  4  2  25  12  +13  22
  4 Bishop                   12  6  3  3  15  12   +3  21
  5 AFC Treason              12  6  2  4  23  18   +5  20
  6 Chenoworth Harriers      12  6  2  4  20  21   -1  20
  7 Coret Hawks              12  6  1  5  27  21   +6  19
  8 Creed United             12  6  1  5  17  11   +6  19
  9 Sabrefell Moths          12  4  5  3  25  20   +5  17
 10 Vermillion Rage          12  5  2  5  16  12   +4  17
 11 Violence Chariots        12  4  5  3  20  17   +3  17
 12 Brookford Otters         12  5  2  5  20  22   -2  17
 13 Raven River              12  4  4  4  14  15   -1  16
 14 North Laithland          12  5  1  6  18  20   -2  16
 15 AFC Serpentine           12  4  3  5  14  15   -1  15
 16 Armstrong                12  4  3  5  14  18   -4  15
 17 Cranequin Wanderers      12  4  1  7  21  24   -3  13
 18 Newrook City             12  4  1  7  12  17   -5  13
 19 Maximum Rovers           12  3  4  5  14  20   -6  13
 20 Belgrave                 12  4  1  7  10  22  -12  13
 21 Brinemouth               12  3  3  6  12  13   -1  12
 22 Parrhesia United         12  2  5  5  13  18   -5  11
 23 Morningstar              12  2  4  6  15  27  -12  10
 24 Corvette Maulers         12  1  3  8  14  32  -18   6

FIRST DIVISION

Pos Team                          P  W  D  L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Diamondqueen                 12  9  3  0  25   4  +21  30
  2 Southfell United             12  8  3  1  30  10  +20  27
  3 Leichhardt                   12  7  5  0  17   4  +13  26
  4 Extreme Hills                12  6  4  2  16   8   +8  22
  5 South Laithland              12  6  2  4  21  12   +9  20
  6 Goodfeather FC               12  5  4  3  18  13   +5  19
  7 Crisisbless United           12  6  1  5  15  14   +1  19
  8 Cypher Town                  12  4  5  3  14  11   +3  17
  9 North Sabrefell              12  5  2  5  16  15   +1  17
 10 Ritter Town                  12  5  2  5  16  16   +0  17
 11 Greygate                     12  5  2  5  13  14   -1  17
 12 Iron City                    12  5  2  5   8  14   -6  17
 13 Maximum City                 12  4  4  4  11  12   -1  16
 14 Chatswood                    12  4  4  4  10  11   -1  16
 15 Coret Rovers                 12  5  1  6  15  18   -3  16
 16 West Brinemouth              12  4  2  6   8   9   -1  14
 17 Vermillion Wanderers         12  4  1  7  12  20   -8  13
 18 Mantlegrove                  12  2  6  4  13  13   +0  12
 19 Cranequin City               12  2  6  4  10  15   -5  12
 20 Hackett                      12  3  3  6  13  20   -7  12
 21 Sutcroft                     12  2  4  6  12  21   -9  10
 22 Martella Jazz                12  3  1  8  12  28  -16  10
 23 East Laithland Harriers      12  2  3  7  11  25  -14   9
 24 Sheridan                     12  1  4  7   7  16   -9   7

SECOND DIVISION

Pos Team                        P  W  D  L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 AFC Shale                  12  8  2  2  13   5   +8  26
  2 Locksley                   12  7  4  1  20  12   +8  25
  3 The Strongest              12  8  0  4  30  19  +11  24
  4 Iron United                12  8  0  4  19   9  +10  24
  5 Rochford                   12  7  3  2  21  12   +9  24
  6 Riverkey                   12  7  1  4  22  15   +7  22
  7 Chenoworth Rovers          12  6  4  2  10   5   +5  22
  8 South Parrhesia            12  6  3  3  16  13   +3  21
  9 Pillars of Southfell       12  5  4  3  16  12   +4  19
 10 Crossroads Town            12  5  4  3  15  12   +3  19
 11 Rhagant Schadenfreude      12  6  0  6  11  12   -1  18
 12 Kensey Town                12  4  5  3  23  17   +6  17
 13 Dross Rovers               12  5  2  5  16  18   -2  17
 14 Crisisbless Athletic       12  3  7  2  19  21   -2  16
 15 Brookway Town              12  4  4  4  17  20   -3  16
 16 Stonegrave                 12  4  2  6  10  12   -2  14
 17 West Hook                  12  4  0  8  12  13   -1  12
 18 Dartmouth Terriers         12  3  3  6   9  15   -6  12
 19 Boleyn Town                12  3  3  6   7  14   -7  12
 20 AFC Corvistone             12  2  5  5  12  17   -5  11
 21 Brindleton                 12  1  5  6  13  18   -5   8
 22 Southriver                 12  1  4  7   6  14   -8   7
 23 Iberia Chenoworth          12  2  1  9  14  33  -19   7
 24 Rushe United               12  0  4  8  13  26  -13   4

THIRD DIVISION

Pos Team                    P  W  D  L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 The Hanged Man         12 10  1  1  16   5  +11  31
  2 Strephonage            12  9  1  2  18   7  +11  28
  3 Falston Town           12  6  3  3  17   7  +10  21
  4 Ox River United        12  5  5  2  16  12   +4  20
  5 Gosforth Swans         12  6  2  4  17  14   +3  20
  6 Kommissar              12  5  4  3  19  12   +7  19
  7 Lazuli Diamonds        12  5  4  3  15  11   +4  19
  8 Peregrine              12  5  3  4  22  17   +5  18
  9 North Dubstep          12  5  3  4  18  13   +5  18
 10 Gridlock Rovers        12  5  3  4  17  13   +4  18
 11 Falston United         12  4  6  2  14  12   +2  18
 12 Ballardine FC          12  5  3  4  14  14   +0  18
 13 Long Lake              12  4  5  3  18  11   +7  17
 14 Sutcroft Athletic      12  5  2  5  14  15   -1  17
 15 Ringway                12  3  7  2  13  12   +1  16
 16 Mapleford              12  4  4  4  14  17   -3  16
 17 Fenland Albion         12  4  2  6  10  13   -3  14
 18 Gridlock East          12  2  5  5  10  12   -2  11
 19 Downsparrow            12  3  2  7  14  22   -8  11
 20 Mainstream Fist        12  3  2  7  13  30  -17  11
 21 Bellamy                12  1  5  6  11  21  -10   8
 22 Alliance Barossia      12  1  4  7   8  15   -7   7
 23 Senway Town            12  1  4  7  11  22  -11   7
 24 Fischer                12  1  4  7  10  22  -12   7

CONFERENCE WEST

Pos Team                        P  W  D  L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Gonen's Bridge             12  8  3  1  24   7  +17  27
  2 FC Seierstad               12  8  3  1  25   9  +16  27
  3 Grovebank                  12  6  3  3  14   9   +5  21
  4 Fully Sick XI              12  5  4  3  14   7   +7  19
  5 Sleetwell Rangers          12  5  4  3  16  18   -2  19
  6 Swag Hill Rovers           12  6  1  5  21  26   -5  19
  7 Harrington                 12  4  6  2  18   9   +9  18
  8 Corinthians No Longer      12  5  3  4  14  15   -1  18
  9 Capricopia Rangers         12  5  3  4  21  24   -3  18
 10 Sirencall FC               12  3  6  3  15  12   +3  15
 11 Ramsay                     12  4  3  5  16  15   +1  15
 12 Boltcroft Thorns           12  3  5  4  12  14   -2  14
 13 Stonesthrow Town           12  3  5  4  11  14   -3  14
 14 Forge Carpenters           12  4  2  6   9  12   -3  14
 15 Gridlock                   12  3  5  4   8  13   -5  14
 16 Tryst Athletic             12  4  2  6   9  16   -7  14
 17 Norton Road                12  4  1  7  13  17   -4  13
 18 Nay Town                   12  3  1  8  11  21  -10  10
 19 Courser                    12  1  6  5  10  13   -3   9
 20 Gartside FC                12  1  4  7   9  19  -10   7

CONFERENCE WEST

Pos Team                    P  W  D  L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Rochford Pilgrims      12  9  1  2  25   9  +16  28
  2 Stamper Road           12  8  3  1  25  11  +14  27
  3 Bodkin Road            12  7  4  1  28  11  +17  25
  4 Masculine Town         12  7  2  3  23  15   +8  23
  5 Blaze                  12  6  5  1  11   8   +3  23
  6 Hartford Glade         12  7  1  4  34  15  +19  22
  7 Dubstep Rangers        12  6  3  3  15  12   +3  21
  8 Brunyard FC            12  5  5  2  18  14   +4  20
  9 Rookwall               12  5  4  3  13  12   +1  19
 10 Lackerrun              12  5  2  5  21  24   -3  17
 11 South Brill            12  4  3  5  11  16   -5  15
 12 Markoni                12  4  3  5  16  24   -8  15
 13 Violence Tigers        12  4  2  6  16  17   -1  14
 14 Twelvetrees            12  3  3  6  11  16   -5  12
 15 The Travellers FC      12  3  2  7  17  21   -4  11
 16 Coral Bay              12  2  4  6  14  24  -10  10
 17 Celebryant FC          12  2  3  7  10  26  -16   9
 18 Sandrock               12  2  2  8   7  15   -8   8
 19 West End               12  1  3  8  10  20  -10   6
 20 Corby Hubris           12  1  3  8  10  25  -15   6

by **Nephara** » Sat Jun 03, 2017 2:13 pm

You know you’re in a rut when you’re a quarter of the way into the season and people are calling your match a six-pointer. Still, Morningstar step up admirably to the plate, and the Stars pulverise the Rovers. Niko Boldman’s inexplicably not scored all season, and has seemed low on confidence lately - but he pounces on a slip from Conan Lineker and smashed the ball past Lindberg in the Rovers’ goal. Aziz Senturk hit a post three minutes later - perhaps a sliding doors moment, as Petrosian and Woodwind’s strikes from outside the box secure a thumping victory. Brinemouth are dominated by Belgrave for the first half, and a series of scrambling saves courtesy of Vintner is all that stops them from defeat - but a jammy goal on the counter from Scafidis gives them hope. In the second half, they come out… and cruise, dominating possession, and this time it’s Fairweather making all the saves before Kyron Bartley secures the day for the Dockers. The Saints also scramble away from danger, Dragana again making the difference in a cagey match against Starling, but Darren Koufax plays a starring role and makes a staggering eleven saves. “We fucking robbed them,” Olaf Womack brags to the press after the fact - and he even injured Malachi Gallagher to contribute to the win.

Oh, Jesus. Someone poked the bear, and the bear wants to play at the business end of the league again. Armstrong, whose memorable 1-0 away win over Brinemouth was their first ever Premiership match, don’t get third time lucky. It takes a stroke of luck for the Dockers to put their noses in front after half an hour of 68% possession and sustained pressure, and it comes in the form of Silkman’s shot taking a heavy deflection off Martyn to beat Holstad. Holstad should probably have gone on to save Roenoujya’s shot at his near post but was helpless as Scafidis and Winter turned the screw, and Kouroglou’s consolation was scant… consolation. Could be worse, though! You could, say, be the Saints. Koufax, the hero last match, isn’t exactly blameless, but really it’s the defence that falls apart in front of him in a 7-1 evisceration by Machairas-inspired Violence. 10-man Coret look to be holding out under pressure from a determined Newrook side, but in the 97th minute young gun Alessa Marconi rifles home her first goal of the season. There’s just one issue - there were only to be five minutes of extra time. Weixelbraun protested firmly, but referee Annelise Grey was blunt post-match; “Maybe you shouldn’t’ve cunted about with the time-wasting substitutes, then.” The Rooks won’t complain - it’s their third straight win.

A disappointing week on the whole, but at least Starling can salvage some pride as Elsa Kaelin and Estrella Hawke guide the way to a comfortable 2-0 win. But Crisisbless and Treason are edged out to defeat, while the Moths suffer a worse fate - they are very much second-best as Adnan Szalai returns to his hometown, and despite a consolation from Meier they get crashed against the rocks. A home defeat they can’t really afford, in what is very much a Group of Death.

The Saints look uncharacteristically diffident in the first half and are given the runaround by Zozi, and it’s largely due to Olaf Womack repeatedly knocking down Labourious Hawk that keeps the score down - even so, Tanya Bottlegreen’s impressive cross for Ingbor Audbjornsson to head home puts them ahead. They at least run about a bit in the second half after a triple-substitution, and Acquafresca almost lets Atherton Telfair’s header squirrel underneath him and into the next, but Zozi rarely look threatened by their hosts. It’s been a disastrous campaign for Parrhesia thus far. A third successive draw for Sabrefell Athletic jeopardises their chances of progression.

Daniel Brunet rests a few names against Saint-Remy and it looks decidedly bad when they head into the break 2-1 down. He brings on the seasoned Lucassen and Coltrane to try and switch things up in the second half but to their credit it’s the young lads who undo their own mess - Morten Crestwell’s headed brace taking back the lead before Valerie Webber smashes in a shot off the inside of the crossbar.

Well, the Saints might be humiliating Nephara’s good name abroad, but at least domestically they can get the job done. It doesn’t start well, mind. Spike Turnbull’s given the 26-year old centre-half Lazlo Kearney the nod over Beckett after a few dodgy performances, and Kearney celebrates his promotion by passing straight to Igrene Cantor within three minutes, who thumps it straight into the top corner. But Dragana weaves her magic over Westmead, dominant throughout the match, and it’s her cutback that sets up Rademacher to rifle home her equaliser, and the Saints continue to hold the edge in a finely-balanced match. Still, there’s a sense of destiny to the winner - Rademacher’s injury-time corner, flicked on by Brun to the substitute Telfair, who crashes home a diving header on his birthday! It proves, after one final save from Koufax from the enterprising Vesper, the winner. Telfair’s former club, North Laithland, can only rue such ability to see matches out - up 3-1 in the 80th minute to the bottom-feeding Maulers, Ylissa Hatherton comes off the bench and changes everything. Julian Parable also comes on and changes everything, but less positively, since he’s at fault for two of the goals. The game ends 4-3 to Corvette, and while Dani Harper gets the goals, Hatherton gets the plaudits. Bishop are pulverised by the Moths. There’s nothing else to say, not while Creed vs. Violence hasn’t been mentioned - a swinging end-to-end affair that leaves both sides punch-drunk. Siorrha’Asione scores twice! And then gets sent off with the Chariots ahead 4-2, and Creed capitalise in the final half-hour of the game, Catherine Locklear animated on the touchline as goals from Magellan, Mithradates and Braham and some excellent saves from Russ Beresford pull them over the line.

It’s the Second Round, and that means it’s time to look at Iberia Chenoworth, they of the 13-0 defeat. And, oh, they did not disappoint this time around! Lyn Hartmann’s Southrons pulverise them, and young midfielder Andre Havranek finally scores his first goals for his new club! Three of them. At once. In general, the second tier enjoys a few big wins at this stage of the tournament - Crisisbless United beat Boltcroft 5-0, West Brinemouth smash Sandrock 5-0, North Sabrefell spatter Kensey 4-0… et cetera. Iron City do not add their names to that list. Lara Winter put out her strongest team, stated that a Cup charge was her aim, and yet they couldn’t break a stubborn South Parrhesia and then Wilhelm, Penterzen and Mills all missed their penalties. Not even saved. Missed. Sheridan drag themselves away from their current relegation struggle to break down a distracted, diffident and disinterested Goodfeather 3-0, even resting a fair few players. It’s the last straw for Quakers’ manager and former Nephara international Sebastian Seward, who has very clearly lost his dressing room, and he’s axed. Martella pick effectively a youth side and are rightfully creamed by Cypher for it, with Eagles manager Miriam Aragon furious - “It’s just sheer disrespect towards the competition, and they should be ashamed. I’m disappointed we didn’t reach double digits!” Chatswood make unexpectedly heavy weather of dealing with mediocre fourth-tier Long Lake, ultimately reliant on penalties to squeeze through. In terms of Conference sides, only one survives - Rookwall got an away draw at fellow Conference side Markoni, beat them handily 2-0 and are hoping for the jackpot of a really big side next round.

Brunet rotates heavily and his side struggle to break down a determined, resilient CS. Gareth Corvine does get the ball in the net late on… just, he used his hand to do so. It’s rightfully called off. No matter, though, Athletic get the result they need.

Siorrha’Asione doesn’t report for training between last match and this, but he does show up at the stadium, clearly drunk, in around the thirty-fifth minute. He hurdled a fence, drunkenly staggers over to the bench, and when assistant manager Gonzalo Mordaz goes to corral him away from the field, Siorrha’Asione throws up on him. Rossizzo refuses to talk about it post-match. “We beat Starling 2-1, player of the match performance from Machairas who all of you thought wasn’t up to it, and you want to talk about someone who didn’t make the squad?” he complains to the press. Creed are actually competing at the sharp end this season, and they show what they’re at with an impressive 1-1 away draw at Treason. Ulysses Mithradates, who has worked his way into the starting lineup ahead of Farrier, sets up Conan McMillan to open the scoring and Maaksemstad hits a post. Treason dominate most of the rest of the match, but thanks to a strong performance by Beresford and Melinda Rubio in particular, only score the once - Igrene Cantor from a corner. Directly. Beresford will be furious with himself for that, but hey, he made seven other saves. Belgrave pepper Andreas Swoboda’s goal with a staggering twenty-four shots! They get… one goal to show for it, and even that’s just Galloway’s penalty after Dimitrius runs into Riesling and falls over. Serpentine, by contrast, have four shots and 38% possession, and Kovalski sent off for the last 18 minutes… and yet Frantzisko Apexarena and Andrej Reuter both score clinically. Belgrave have a real problem with goals from open play, and it’s seriously costing them. Brinemouth and Corvette have a History with one another, and another chapter is written today. Hatherton starts this time and is outstanding yet again for the Maulers, but Osman Candelo almost single-handedly drags Brinemouth into contention. Four times Corvette take the lead - four times the Dockers equalise. It’s a frustrating season so far for Brinemouth without a doubt, but, hey, at least it’s exciting!

A polarising set of fixtures. Crisisbless and Treason are flying, simply far better sides on the day as each clinches a 3-0 victory. Tarashaj in particular is outstanding for the Stags, earning all the plaudits - he’s been one of the best players in the league this season, and really seems to be blossoming into his potential. Ulsa outplays the Moths, it has to be said, but Robert Griffin, back on home soil, is outstanding between the posts. It takes until the 76th minute for a goal as the antique Jakob Lindisfarne comes off the bench to strike home, but Federico Serra volleys home a spectacular equaliser on the cusp of the 90th minute to ensure a good result for Gerhard Thunder’s lads. By contrast, Starling are pumped by Centralis, and the less said about it the better.

How strange. The Premiership has seemingly declared a non-aggression pact on the Globe Cup this season.

After a shaky start, Airik Ruhl pulls himself into Iron Boot contention with a well-taken brace against a typically flaky Belgrave. It’s not without controversy; Quin Markranstadt is overheard by a microphone exhorting at his fellow defenders “not to let that fucking wife-beater take the match ball.” Feist shoves him a bit, but with Mirzayev’s hand on Ruhl’s shoulder, the chequered Cosumarite doesn’t retaliate - except by hitting a post in the dying stages of the game. “He’s settled brilliantly,” manager Brosque reports after the game. “Hasn’t been a hint of trouble, none of the squad’s got a word to say against him.” Starling are resoundingly outplayed by Treason - Malachi Gallagher goes missing against his former team and is pulled off after fifty minutes, Catherine Gryphon picks up a booking within five minutes and can’t play fair against Tarashaj, and Roddy Fraser, as always, is in the right place at the right time to thump home a couple of tap-ins. A disappointing result in what is proving a disappointing season for the Passerines. Corvette continue to pull themselves away from trouble with a late winner over Morningstar, a rather weak shot from breakout star Ylissa Hatherton trickling weakly through Ceferin’s arms. Lineker headbutts the dugout walls. Brinemouth, meanwhile, get picked off expertly by Bishop on the counterattack, and Creed United underline their Champions’ Cup credentials with a muscular, ugly win over Sabrefell Athletic - former Athletic winger Braham, who has been excellent this season, scoring a brace.

Despite five straightforward 1-0 wins (including Parrhesia over the still-toothless Belgrave), it’s an interesting week. After a promising start, Starling are imploding - they have two points from six matches, and it’s little coincidence that it’s coincided with Gallagher’s MCL injury (thanks, Olaf Womack!). It doesn’t help that Athletic are really good on the day, just that little bit faster to every ball and that bit more clinical. Brinemouth finally roar back into gear against an unsuspecting Newrook City. Frew shakes up his squad, introducing Drinkwater, Exarchopolous and Silkemark, and it pays dividends - Anghelescu drops a cross for Drinkwater to tap home in the second minute and it just doesn’t stop, the Dockers both relentless and, finally clinical. Alan Bothroyd, Newrook’s top (and only consistent) goalscorer, manages all of four touches in the 90 minutes. River have had a quietly unassuming season thus far, but they choose a good moment to roar to life - Cheney Bittencourt’s side crush Corvette, with Maxine Lynwood scoring a hat-trick from an essentially stationary position. Their midfield has been a shining light, and Naumoff and Petkovic in particular are tipped for possible callups - Petkovic manages a brace and young Isabella Cassadore a goal of her own, and even Hatherton looks off the pace for the Maulers.

A very poor week for Nepharim Champions’ Cup ambitions. Crisisbless’ star-studded midfield is stymied largely by Glen Soria, and in a late flurry of goals they come out second-best. Treason are edged out at home by Excelsior, and a poorly-timed Tarashaj red card in the 70th minute may have further repercussions. The Moths stand firm against 1830 but a win would really have helped them out - Alpha Gandhi’s header is cancelled out by Aaliyah Johnson, and while the home crowd think they’ve won the game late on it turns out that Meier, tapping home Haines’ cross at the far post, was offside. Starling are dumped unceremoniously out of the group after yet another embarrassing capitulation. Teenage Pasargan midfielder Christian Berg is drafted in by the Cornellians and is nominated man of the match, while Jade Irwin by his side runs the show - in fact, between Irwin, Vlahos, Triffid Ramsey (daughter of Gethin) and Reinhard Shale, there’s almost as strong a Nepharim connection on the pitch for them as the Passerines themselves can manage.

Pragmatically, Spike Turnbull gives up on the Globe Cup and submits a second-string to her match - and that’s how Parrhesia United get their first point of the campaign, with Kirsten Howlett’s first professional goal smashed in at the near post. Athletic manage their first win, though it’s a tight-run thing - Oscar Coltrane with a first-half brace and Lind Pressinger with a number of impressive saves at the other end. Might the Reds somehow manage to squeeze through the group despite everything?

So much for Brinemouth’s resurgence. Brookford have one of their best players, Danira Plibersek, suspended… and it doesn’t matter, since Brigid Kestrel slots straight in and orchestrates everything, casting aside the ravages of time. The 33-year old chalks up assists for both wingers and a diving header from Nikita Loeher secures a thumping 3-0 win, Caravella barely tested at the other end. The Chariots are hurtling towards danger as they’re annihilated by the Reds, their fierce rivals. Brigitte Coppinger lends credence to her claim to replace Siorrha’Asione with a well-taken 11th-minute goal, but Athletic responds with five. Vermillion and the Moths are meant to have a big 7-7 goalfest. They don’t. Granted, this is largely due to the form of the two goalkeepers, with Clement and Griffin both having excellent seasons, and Federico Serra (another fantastic signing) rifles home the only goal of the game on the stroke of half-time. In the real big match this week, Crisisbless square up to Treason, and the two of them go at one another, punch for punch. At least, that’s how it should go - former Crisisbless striker Cantor opens the scores with a typically thunderous drive, Treason youth player Cautcher retaliates with a header, Woodspur lashes home from the wing, Swan hits home a direct free-kick, Roddy Fraser earns a penalty… and skies it, looking utterly distraught. And when Urso plays in an unmarked Jevdjevic-Hadsic, who calmly rifles the ball into the roof of the net past a despairing Fletcher, the Stags have no answer. The Heelers win, 3-2.

Enter the Premiership. Amidst a series of routine wins, River edge out the Harriers thanks in large part to third-choice goalkeeper Althea Taliadoros’ flying saves, Corvette give a complacent Athletic a proper thumping, 4-1 away, Parrhesia manage a second away 1-0 win over Belgrave in three matches, Coret edge Crisisbless, and the only Premiership side to fall to lower-league opposition is the Moths, who bounce off a staid-but-resilient Maximum City, one that fights back through Kate Shaw’s penalty and holds grimly onto the result. Credit to Rookwall, the last Conference side - given a home draw against local Premiership rivals Newrook, they park the bus with bloody-minded determination and almost scrape a result, hitting a post late on. Sadly for romance, Maladict Farrell’s 23rd-minute strike sets up Newrook for their victory, but it’s still a great moment for Rookwall and a fair influx of cash. There’s another derby, too - a Crisisbless one, specifically, with United playing Athletic. It’s a breathless affair throughout the ninety minutes and a distinctly weary one in extra time, Iskandrian international Tanith Starbuck striking for Athletic and veteran winger Paula Morgan for United as both take advantage of massive gaps in both defences. The weariness shows in the penalty shootout, as well, and it’s ultimately smaller Athletic who triumph. Chatswood follow up an unconvincing Cup performance with a downright godawful one as Extreme Hills cream them 5-1, Dexter Vorbeck notching up four of his own as Sigrun Barota’s blistering runs down the left highlight why Chatswood probably need to invest in a rightback. Draw-loving Corvistone are somehow languishing in the bottom half of the third tier and it’s fair to say that their manager, former Project +90 head coach Lukas Pallister, is on his last legs. But at least he’ll be bowing out with style - his side, clearly instructed to just go toe-to-toe with Ritter Town come what may, battle their way to 4-4 in 90 minutes. Discovery Carrera has a goal chalked off for a wrongful offside in the 92nd minute and just two minutes later Jack Brier comes up with the Crows’ winner. “The NFA got the result they wanted!” an incensed Paige Hildebrand vents to the press afterwards, and is fined for it.

Big news needs to be worked up to - just keep the readership in suspense for a bit. Besides, there’s a lot to talk about this week. Brinemouth are abruptly back in Jekyll mode, utterly dominating a listless and slumping Coret side to the tune of a 4-0 win with Jess Silkman recovering her place in the starting lineup and finally looking back to her electrifying best. Creed’s string of great results is brought low by Armstrong, Adnan Nikolajsen continuing his outsanding form and spurring them on to a 3-1 win. The Harriers’ run of five straight wins crashes to a halt as Corvette decide that they have other ideas. Crowe and Bekkwaters are renowned as Globe Cup level fullbacks, but they’re given the runaround by Djuric and Ankergren tonight, while Ruhl barely gets a sniff of the ball all match - and when he does, Lukas Sparr is equal to it. Catheline Harper continues to desperately shuffle her cards for answers, but the Rovers are saved against the stalling Chariots by Aziz Senturk flickering back into form, notching up a goal and three assists in a vital 4-2 victory. Sabrefell Moths play yet another oddly cagey game against Crisisbless, as Thunder injects 35-year old captain Kirsten Cliving into midfield, switches formation to 4-1-4-1, frustrates Crisisbless with intense man-marking and eventually scores the winner thanks to Cardinal Belgrave, on the counterattack. But enough stalling - the real big story here is Sabrefell Athletic 5, AFC Treason 1. It’s not even that Treason were bad (though they weren’t great) - Athletic just hit another level. The 3-0 in preseason was no fluke. Athletic look full of menace this season. Now, if only they could transplant some of that menace to international competition...

Third on the table but with their destiny in their own hands in a tight group, Crisisbless slip past RGS on the table and Capri on the night to finish second. Treason secure top spot with a cagey victory over Sonoma. The Moths endure a torrid day bouncing off Sport Wios’ defence, and as Cathair hold on for a point against Ulsa they slip to third in the group, pipped by 1830 on head-to-head away goals. Yeah, that kind of margin (though Cathair’s goal difference was better, in any case). Out of contention to promote, Lisa Amos still puts out a strong team against Avenida and goals from Armstrong and Elsa Kaelin in the last ten minutes secures them a vital victory. Is it enough to at least manage a Globe Cup berth? No, because Centralis beat Cornellians to clinch third and consign the Passerines to the foot of the table.

Group B’s been sorted well before time, and Handon celebrates their progression by pulverising the Saints in front of a joyous home crowd. Despite three points from their first four matches, Athletic seize victory from the jaws of defeat - Linden Lucassen comes off the bench in the 74th minute with his side trailing 1-0, he winds up with a brace, the hero of the (east side of the) city for a day. Had he not tried a scorpion kick where perhaps a simple header would’ve sufficed, he might well have had a hat-trick, but it was injury time by then and he could be forgiven for showboating.

But Athletic’s strong form crashes to a halt when they have the misfortune of being drawn against Directus. The Euran Cup champions have an outstanding defensive unit, but this match is all about the attack - specifically, all about Maas Fox turning back the wheel of time to put in one of the performances of his life. Granted, the CWC Second Round isn’t the most glamourous stage for it, but there it is, and Athletic are soundly put to the sword.

Athletic might have taken a lesson or two from how the Moths compromised their attacking ideals to shut Crisisbless down. They tried to play their own game, and, well, lost the midfield battle. Lind Pressinger’s goal was constantly peppered with shots from midfield and as good as he is, a few got through - Swan, Jevdjevic-Hadsic and the substitute Sundu all getting on the scoresheet. 3-0 the final score, and Crisisbless take back the top of the table from Athletic. Violence and Belgrave match one another to a 1-1 draw in which both sides are spectacularly crap at finishing, the most frustrating match for a neutral of the entire season. There’s another grievance in Starling’s frustrating season as in injury time, Armstrong have everyone up for a corner at 2-1 down. Jess Hearn hits it in, Hargrave catches it but fumbles it when opposing goalkeeper Mako Holstad smashes into him and the two fall like a collapsing tree, and the opportunistic substitute Karen Bruntwood is quicker than anyone to bundle it over the line for the equaliser. Serpentine are having a thoroughly uneventful season thus far, but a match against Newrook’s a good chance to give 18-year old Ishtar Fanaiyan, an Iskandrian refugee, her first league start on the right. She gets… two assists, hits a post and shows her passion with a caution for scything down Raquel Woods when she gets ideas about attacking. One to watch, perhaps...

What the hell. It’s the first ever CdC match for a Nepharim side, they’re handed a dream draw for an inaugural thumping against some Askari minnows and yet in the sixth minute, Emeraude Tanner plays Soren Kvist (formerly of Char Sara, and a player considered of marquee status in the fledgling Legaskari) past Westmead, and Kvist crosses to the far post where teenage Eastfielder Faiza Huyton is waiting to tap it home. They cling grimly onto that goal for the rest of the game, Maria Kovacic outstanding between the posts, and it falls to Saskia Kantaroff to curl home a beautiful goal from just outside the box. Try though they might, however, the Stags can’t add to it. A disappointment.

Try though the Reds might, when Ethan Cook swings in a cross that Pedrinho almost casually flicks home, the match is a formality. Zdenek Moravec quietly reminds the world he exists when he comes off the bench to force home Ferryman’s corner late on, but Directus are simply the better side, and will progress as one of the favourites to win the tournament outright.

A stunning week of fixtures. One point from the Chariots’ last five games had dumped them firmly into a relegation scrap, so Armstrong really was a must-win. It was deemed important enough to bring Stiin Siorrha’Asione back from career death. There’s just one issue - nobody on his team actually wants to pass to him, and he’s quietly shuffled off at half-time. They do score once, through Roisin Carroll, but Armstrong somehow score six times in return. Armstrong! That’s not something they do! Crisisbless suffer defeat and humiliation at the hands of North Laithland, of all sides, as Rasunda Vanderlei has the best game of her short career thus far and Gazzincha somehow gets free enough to orchestrate proceedings, with Tsikitsiris a threat down the left all game. 3-0’s the final score, somehow, and Athletic retake the top of the table with a rough 2-1 win over the Rovers. Brinemouth reclaim some of their own pride with a convincing 2-0 win over the Moths, and look belatedly to be sparking into life.

That’s more like it, then. Treason thump the Hussards 4-0 away with a half-rotated squad, as Roddy Fraser shows the rest of the squad how it’s done. Servet Misidjan is imperious yet again in the centre of the park, and 18-year old goalkeeper Sigurd Rustwyth makes a couple of impressive saves, but it’s never in doubt.

The title looks to be heading into a two-horse race as both Athletic and Crisisbless are on track for over a hundred points. Athletic, for their part, absolutely trash a miserable Belgrave 5-0, while it’s a far closer-run thing for Crisisbless, 2-1 against a spirited but ultimately limited Maximum Rovers outfit. Creed United’s narrow 1-0 win over Bishop (Karena Braham, once again, with the winner) sees them overtake the swooning Moths, who are outfought and outmuscled to a second successive 2-0 defeat, this time at Morningstar’s hands. Chenoworth are locked in a furious, high-tempo 2-2 draw with Brookford and retain 5th, with Treason and Brinemouth chalking up narrow victories against weak opposition to round out the UICA places.

Treason is, however, six points above Brinemouth, and Crisisbless is eight ahead of Creed. From 7th-placed Brinemouth to the very bottom of the table, no side is more than two points away from their neighbours, and it all kind of blends into itself. Even so, Starling’s 1-1 draw against Corvette leaves them languishing in 9th and looking far from healthy, while Bishop, despite their defeat, will be pleased with 8th. Hard-fought 2-0 wins for Parrhesia and Morningstar help lift them away from their early danger, while a limp 2-1 defeat for Coret sees their malaise continue. Cranequin Wanderers win a vital six-pointer over Violence thanks largely to the inspirational teenage winger, Strongbow - the Chariots now have one point from their last potential twenty-one, and the two are now 19th and 20th. The Wanderers’ win pushes the Rovers into 21st, and now Armstrong and Belgrave (who simply cannot score a goal to save their lives) are safely nestled in the relegation places that everyone thought they’d be in from the start. At the foot of the table, Corvette’s draw against Starling might be the start of something bright, but on the other hand, how do you concede 60 goals in 23 games and expect to get away with it?

Goodfeather open the second quarter of the season with two big wins, 4-0 over Coret and 3-0 over Vermillion, to bring some smiles back to the good people of northeast Crisisbless. And then they stall, sputter and die. The real story has been Diamondqueen - the Diamonds, under former Quakers manager Hydrangea Dimitriades, somehow remain undefeated with their squad of fresh-faced journeymen. Unheralded goalkeeper Corren Dankworth has conceded just 11 goals and Kowalczyk and Fortounis up front are ripping the division to shreds. Felipa Medina’s Southfell have done well just to keep pace, just two points adrift, and they are 17 and 15 places respectively above 4th. It might be a bit early to call their promotion a sure thing, but… it is. Chatswood are the best of the rest - they’ve finally ground into life, spurred on by Bruno Hawke’s reluctant promotion of Gary Corsie and Desdemona Schuster (who was almost snapped up by Greygate in the offseason) to starting berths. They’ve been electrifying, while at the back they simply don’t concede. Far more thrilling are Extreme Hills (who beat local rivals East Laithland and Sutcroft 5-0 each at home) and North Sabrefell, tussling presently over 4th place and locked on goal difference, with a number of sides (most prominently Crisisbless United adn South Laithland) snapping at their heels.

Leichhardt, unbeaten in the first twelve matches, have lost seven of their past eleven in an alarming backslide, with just a single win in that stretch. They had a tough draw, sure, but defeats to garbage sides Hackett and Martella? Really? They’re now languishing in 11th, a place below Goodfeather (who have hired another former goalkeeper of theirs in Tana Colbright to replace the axed Seward). Maximum City might look secure in 14th, but realistically, that’s only two points above 21st - it’s tight at the bottom. Sheridan have impressively pulled themselves somewhat out of the mire after an appalling start to the season, but West Brinemouth - lowest scorers in the division with just fourteen, and Kunigunde Almerich has scored more than the rest of the side put together - are right in the mix, and manager Augustine Houghton holds his job by a thread. East Laithland, Martella and Sutcroft are roughly where expected, but there’s a shock at the bottom of the table - Vermillion Wanderers are winless in ten, and are the sole team Leichhardt have beaten in their recent malaise. That 2-0 defeat stirred the board to sack Catheline Allister and appoint obscure Anthorian Asmund Boon, the first manager from his country to coach abroad. He was in the stands to watch a scoreless draw with midtable Mantlegrove, and hopes to turn things around in the second half of the season - with seasoned operators in Sandra West, Gareth Ramsay and Per Martinsson running through the core of the team and Iona Britton between the posts in fine form, he definitely has the tools at his disposal to make up the six-point gap to safety.

PREMIERSHIP

Pos Team                      P   W  D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Sabrefell Athletic       23  17  2   4  57  30  +27  53
  2 Crisisbless              23  16  3   4  43  20  +23  51
  3 Creed United             23  13  4   6  37  22  +15  43
  4 Sabrefell Moths          23  12  6   5  48  30  +18  42
  5 Chenoworth Harriers      23  12  5   6  38  33   +5  41
  6 AFC Treason              23  12  4   7  39  32   +7  40
  7 Brinemouth               23  10  4   9  38  27  +11  34
  8 Bishop                   23  10  4   9  24  28   -4  34
  9 Starling                 23   8  8   7  37  28   +9  32
 10 Brookford Otters         23   9  5   9  35  33   +2  32
 11 Vermillion Rage          23   9  4  10  27  24   +3  31
 12 Newrook City             23   9  4  10  23  30   -7  31
 13 Raven River              23   8  6   9  28  30   -2  30
 14 Parrhesia United         23   8  6   9  29  36   -7  30
 15 AFC Serpentine           23   7  7   9  31  32   -1  28
 16 Morningstar              23   8  4  11  31  36   -5  28
 17 Coret Hawks              23   8  3  12  37  39   -2  27
 18 North Laithland          23   8  2  13  29  37   -8  26
 19 Cranequin Wanderers      23   8  2  13  34  43   -9  26
 20 Violence Chariots        23   6  7  10  40  46   -6  25
 21 Maximum Rovers           23   6  6  11  27  37  -10  24
 22 Armstrong                23   6  5  12  31  41  -10  23
 23 Belgrave                 23   6  3  14  18  42  -24  21
 24 Corvette Maulers         23   5  6  12  35  60  -25  21

FIRST DIVISION

Pos Team                          P   W  D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Diamondqueen                 23  17  6   0  47  11  +36  57
  2 Southfell United             23  17  4   2  53  16  +37  55
  3 Chatswood                    23  12  5   6  28  19   +9  41
  4 Extreme Hills                23  11  7   5  41  23  +18  40
  5 North Sabrefell              23  12  4   7  36  29   +7  40
  6 Crisisbless United           23  12  2   9  37  30   +7  38
  7 South Laithland              23  10  7   6  37  22  +15  37
  8 Cypher Town                  23  10  6   7  30  23   +7  36
  9 Iron City                    23  10  4   9  15  20   -5  34
 10 Goodfeather FC               23   9  6   8  33  24   +9  33
 11 Leichhardt                   23   8  8   7  23  19   +4  32
 12 Coret Rovers                 23   9  2  12  28  39  -11  29
 13 Mantlegrove                  23   6  9   8  27  27   +0  27
 14 Maximum City                 23   6  8   9  23  27   -4  26
 15 Hackett                      23   7  5  11  25  33   -8  26
 16 Ritter Town                  23   7  5  11  23  31   -8  26
 17 Greygate                     23   8  2  13  20  30  -10  26
 18 Cranequin City               23   5 10   8  20  26   -6  25
 19 Sheridan                     23   6  7  10  17  24   -7  25
 20 West Brinemouth              23   7  4  12  14  23   -9  25
 21 East Laithland Harriers      23   6  6  11  23  44  -21  24
 22 Martella Jazz                23   5  6  12  23  44  -21  21
 23 Sutcroft                     23   4  7  12  17  36  -19  19
 24 Vermillion Wanderers         23   5  4  14  19  39  -20  19

SECOND DIVISION

Pos Team                        P   W   D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 AFC Shale                  23  14   6   3  27  10  +17  48
  2 Riverkey                   23  14   3   6  41  26  +15  45
  3 Crossroads Town            23  11   9   3  36  24  +12  42
  4 Locksley                   23  12   6   5  34  27   +7  42
  5 The Strongest              23  12   2   9  42  36   +6  38
  6 Rochford                   23  10   7   6  35  23  +12  37
  7 South Parrhesia            23  11   4   8  40  31   +9  37
  8 Chenoworth Rovers          23   9  10   4  19  10   +9  37
  9 Pillars of Southfell       23   9   9   5  26  19   +7  36
 10 Rhagant Schadenfreude      23  10   6   7  18  17   +1  36
 11 Iron United                23  11   2  10  30  22   +8  35
 12 Stonegrave                 23  10   5   8  25  22   +3  35
 13 Kensey Town                23   8   8   7  36  29   +7  32
 14 AFC Corvistone             23   6  11   6  22  23   -1  29
 15 Crisisbless Athletic       23   6  11   6  34  37   -3  29
 16 Boleyn Town                23   7   8   8  19  23   -4  29
 17 Brindleton                 23   7   7   9  27  28   -1  28
 18 Dartmouth Terriers         23   6   7  10  24  26   -2  25
 19 Southriver                 23   5   9   9  26  33   -7  24
 20 Brookway Town              23   6   6  11  33  48  -15  24
 21 Dross Rovers               23   6   4  13  23  38  -15  22
 22 West Hook                  23   6   3  14  20  25   -5  21
 23 Rushe United               23   2   5  16  25  53  -28  11
 24 Iberia Chenoworth          23   3   2  18  26  58  -32  11

THIRD DIVISION

Pos Team                    P   W   D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 The Hanged Man         23  16   4   3  27   8  +19  52
  2 Strephonage            23  15   4   4  31  13  +18  49
  3 Peregrine              23  13   4   6  55  28  +27  43
  4 Kommissar              23  11   6   6  34  24  +10  39
  5 Gridlock Rovers        23  11   5   7  31  23   +8  38
  6 North Dubstep          23  11   5   7  33  26   +7  38
  7 Gosmouth Swans         23  11   4   8  29  25   +4  37
  8 Falston Town           23  10   5   8  35  24  +11  35
  9 Sutcroft Athletic      23  10   4   9  30  29   +1  34
 10 Ox River United        23   9   6   8  32  31   +1  33
 11 Long Lake              23   8   8   7  30  23   +7  32
 12 Lazuli Diamonds        23   8   8   7  30  31   -1  32
 13 Mapleford              23   8   8   7  24  32   -8  32
 14 Falston United         23   7  10   6  26  23   +3  31
 15 Fenland Albion         23   8   7   8  21  20   +1  31
 16 Ringway                23   5  14   4  25  24   +1  29
 17 Fischer                23   6   8   9  22  34  -12  26
 18 Gridlock East          23   6   6  11  22  28   -6  24
 19 Ballardine FC          23   6   6  11  26  34   -8  24
 20 Downsparrow            23   6   5  12  34  45  -11  23
 21 Alliance Barossia      23   4   6  13  17  29  -12  18
 22 Mainstream Fist        23   4   6  13  24  48  -24  18
 23 Bellamy                23   2  10  11  16  32  -16  16
 24 Senway Town            23   3   7  13  22  42  -20  16

CONFERENCE WEST

Pos Team                        P   W  D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Gonen's Bridge             23  14  5   4  37  14  +23  47
  2 FC Seierstad               23  12  5   6  41  24  +17  41
  3 Corinthians No Longer      23  12  4   7  34  28   +6  40
  4 Fully Sick XI              23  11  6   6  35  22  +13  39
  5 Sleetwell Rangers          23  11  6   6  32  27   +5  39
  6 Harrington                 23  10  8   5  33  17  +16  38
  7 Boltcroft Thorns           23  10  7   6  26  24   +2  37
  8 Grovebank                  23  10  5   8  27  21   +6  35
  9 Sirencall FC               23   9  7   7  31  27   +4  34
 10 Gridlock                   23   9  7   7  19  21   -2  34
 11 Tryst Athletic             23   9  4  10  28  34   -6  31
 12 Norton Road                23   8  4  11  25  26   -1  28
 13 Stonesthrow Town           23   7  7   9  20  24   -4  28
 14 Capricopia Rangers         23   7  7   9  33  44  -11  28
 15 Forge Carpenters           23   7  5  11  13  23  -10  26
 16 Swag Hill Rovers           23   7  5  11  29  48  -19  26
 17 Nay Town                   23   7  3  13  24  31   -7  24
 18 Courser                    23   5  8  10  24  28   -4  23
 19 Ramsay                     23   5  6  12  23  27   -4  21
 20 Gartside FC                23   2  7  14  18  42  -24  13

CONFERENCE EAST

Pos Team                    P   W  D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Bodkin Road            23  17  4   2  51  17  +34  55
  2 Rochford Pilgrims      23  16  2   5  46  21  +25  50
  3 Stamper Road           23  13  7   3  41  22  +19  46
  4 Dubstep Rangers        23  13  6   4  33  22  +11  45
  5 Hartford Glade         23  11  6   6  54  31  +23  39
  6 Blaze                  23  10  7   6  28  24   +4  37
  7 Lackerrun              23  11  4   8  38  36   +2  37
  8 Brunyard FC            23   9  9   5  45  31  +14  36
  9 Rookwall               23  10  6   7  29  26   +3  36
 10 Violence Tigers        23   9  3  11  32  31   +1  30
 11 South Brill            23   8  5  10  29  28   +1  29
 12 Masculine Town         23   8  5  10  32  35   -3  29
 13 Twelvetrees            23   7  6  10  19  25   -6  27
 14 Celebryant FC          23   6  6  11  24  43  -19  24
 15 The Travellers FC      23   6  5  12  31  39   -8  23
 16 Sandrock               23   5  6  12  17  29  -12  21
 17 Corby Hubris           23   5  5  13  22  38  -16  20
 18 Markoni                23   4  8  11  26  51  -25  20
 19 Coral Bay              23   4  7  12  21  42  -21  19
 20 West End               23   2  5  16  16  43  -27  11

by **Nephara** » Fri Jun 09, 2017 3:37 pm

Languishing in 14th in the Second Division, Corvistone have axed Lukas Pallister and brought in former Ceni international and assistant manager Davalei Evatee. He faces a baptism of fire as his side hosts North Laithland, who are going all-out for Cup success, and he can only look on as despite an early strike from Jack Brier his Crows absoluitely fold under pressure and ultimately get destroyed 5-1. Could be worse, though! For instance, Dartmouth Terriers are ripped apart 10-2 by Lazuli Diamonds… yeah, the Third Division’s Diamonds, who are now the last representatives of the fourth tier after Pillars of Southfell, Downsparrow and Fischer (who collapse 7-1 at home against Morningstar) are all knocked out. Nobody survives at all from the Second Division. Boon’s first match in charge of Vermillion Wanderers sees them pull ahead of Brookford thanks to an early Masquerade Bryson brace and maintain the lead through some excellent saves from Iona Britton, a hugely disappointing defeat for the Otters, who had Cup success as a main target for the season. Cranequin City hold their own against a strong Corvette side eager to build up some momentum, their aging side pegging them back with goals from Kelsey and Stubbs before in extra time young Schottian forward Laura Annesley finishes the job. Vermilion, River, Bishop, the Rovers and Parrhesia are all edged out by fellow Premiership opposition.

The Saints claw their way up the table, dangerously close to the Globe Cup places (the coefficient winces in anticipation), with a tub-thumping 3-0 victory over a backsliding Brookford. Sinan Uzunlar, who has struggled at this level to this point and sporadically lost his place to Telfair or McEthinly, finally gets into some form as wingers Berisha and Dragana tear Brookford apart. Some love to Serpentine, as well - scarcely mentioned over the course of the season mostly because they’re Just Sort Of Doing Pretty Well. They hand another start to Ishtar Fanaiyan on her 19th birthday and she rewards them with two assists in a 3-0 win over Vermillion. Nobody actually scores for the Serpents besides Mason and Apexarena (their next top scorer is a few guys on… two goals) but they do the job and Andreas Swoboda between the posts is one to watch for the national side. Crisisbless are reportedly making eyes at him - they’re edged 2-1 by Brinemouth, as young guns Brymora, Bartley, Bayliss and Exarchopolous prove dominant. Frew’s shuffling his deck more, and it seems to be working out better for everyone.

Maximum Rovers take an important step towards safety by utterly crushing Armstrong 5-1. They’re already well on top (3-0) even before red cards in quick succession to both sides’ defensive midfielders, former Armstrong man Woodbine and current Armstrong woman Kisel. Senturk is their entire X-Factor, and they still don’t look entirely convincing. As Crisisbless edge out Belgrave (yet again, the Gargoyles just can’t finish), Corvette takes the chance to clamber off the bottom of the table, overtaking both Belgrave and Armstrong. In all honesty, they’re fairly lucky to edge their opponents… Treason. In Treason. Lukas Sparr makes many great saves, Ruza Djuric cuts inside and falls over while shooting but manages to get it past Fletcher anyway and Lara Silverstein, dropped into defensive midfield, proves the move a masterstroke in an excellent performance. The Hawks claw back some much-needed ground thanks to an injury-time brace from Dorian Fletchclair. Fletchclair was useless as a regular starter this season, but he’s proven handy as a routine on-the-hour impact substitute for Felix Keller. The problem is that Felix Keller has been pretty bloody underwhelming himself. Being 35 will do that to you.

River have done quite well for themselves this season, but Brinemouth have absolutely no respect them and tear them apart, 6-0, on their own patch. Naumoff, Bowerman and Dimitriades have been defensive bulwarks throughout the campaign thus far and are all abject against Brinemouth, while Kilbane, one of their best and most used players, looks very jaded and is taken off halfway through. Kyron Bartley has been the Dockers’ best player throughout their good run, and is rewarded with a ludicrous two goals and three assists today as he destroys the careers of both Tenenbaum and her substitute, Pryce. There’s some real six-pointers at the bottom of the table. Cranequin Wanderers need a win over Maximum Rovers on home soil, and get one - Sroel Cavan yet again dominant in the centre of the pitch, Aziz Senturk looking tired and beleagured, Juergen Evans with a brace. They win 2-0, and so do Belgrave over a very poor Armstrong. Belgrave have put the young forward Julia Thane up front to replace Claudia Oakwood, who has scored a mighty five goals thus far, and it pays dividends - she scores her second from five starts. A surprising choice, since Thane is mostly a winger. Armstrong have almost nothing to offer, and Nikolajsen’s form, a shining light at the start of the season, has dropped off a cliff recently.

Well… that happened. Belgrave decided they really wanted to beat Cranequin and promptly, well, did so. Julia Thane scored twice, Petersen, Galloway and Sansa Dreyfuss chipped in and the Wanderers really just folded. Tsiolkas sat on Cavan, Gronkjaer dealt with the aerial threat and Fairweather saved everything that came her way. “They were better in every metric,” Wanderers captain Paul Bismarck has the good grace to concede after the game. River are still in a funk after being annihilated by Brinemouth and are absolutely listless as Morningstar steamroller them - in fact, it’s kind of a testament to Morningstar’s lack of bite that they only score two, one due to a rare error from Matt Boweman as he fumbles Karo Vanstrattan’s low, diagonal cross into his own net. Generously, it’s given as Vanstrattan’s goal. Morale in Violence is low and Siorrha’Asione doesn’t even show up to training these days. It shows, as Brookford mercilessly put them to the sword - 3-1 at half-time as Tanya Chilton dominates, Rossizzo makes a triple-substitution and then one of the substitutes, teenager Laura Belfry, gets sent off for a scything challenge. Surprisingly, Brookford only score twice more - one a penalty that completes Nikita Loeher’s hat-trick. After managing a draw against Treason last match, Bishop go down early to two goals from Athletic, who are in no hurry to overstretch in the second half. But while the pace is staid right up until the 80th minute, Cunnington’s curling free kick is flicked home by Darren Crinion and then, unexpectedly, Bishop are galvanised enough to really take the game to the Reds. Their reward? An injury-time header from emerging young gun Lorelei Neptune seals them a point. Neptune’s done well so far this season, and is in contention to secure a starting berth for herself sooner rather than later.

Somewhat disappointingly, the Cup is already mostly Premiership sides, and the few that aren’t largely get picked off by, well, Premiership sides. Cranequin City are hopeless as Creed steamroll them, Vermillion Wanderers are curbstomped by Treason and Sheridan are resilient but ultimately not good enough against Starling. Newrook also stomp a team - Serpentine. Both sides are probably safe enough from relegation to give it their all, but evidently only the Rooks had their heads in the game. Coret’s first-team utterly collapse into an incoherent slump against Cranequin Wanderers’ B-list, and a spectacular diving header from Cosumar youth international Dakota Blaylock sink the Hawks. Alisander Ellery should have saved it, but it’s not exactly a secret that he’s a liability as a backup goalkeeper. North Laithland are battered and beaten by Morningstar until finally, in the 75th minute, they break. By equalising- wait, what? Well, it happens anyway, courtesy of the substitute Kistler - and they repeat the feat in injury time when Gazzincha’s piledriver of a shot is deflected past the impressive Magnus Orchard by his own defender and captain, Gwen Saunders. Armstrong, Brinemouth’s bogey team, win thanks to Deon Martyn heading home an excellent Hearn’s corner as Helene Corridan, their heroic young goalkeeper, stakes her claim to a more regular starting role with nine strong saves. Most impressive, though, the final lower-division side left standing? Lazuli Diamonds. Of the fourth tier. The Smiths may have been in the Premiership last season but they’re outrun and outwitted by the Diamonds, who eventually win through prolific young striker Ether Kruse.

Goddamn. After three consecutive draws, Bishop utterly pump the Rovers 6-1 as Catheline Harper concedes early to Shawcroft and doesn’t have a choice but to keep throwing her guys forward and keep getting pulverised on the counterattack. Or, at least, doesn’t seem to think she does, and then does, and gets, as mentioned, pumped 6-1. Then sacked. It’s a rough day for Harps, and controversial despite the Rovers’ genuine relegation danger - she was a huge fan favourite. They jet in Catheline Allister, last seen… er... driving Vermillion Wanderers into the ground? But she has been successful at this level before. Corvette notch up a vital 2-0 win over Belgrave, Dani Harper providing the finishing touches and Silverstein yet again outstanding in defensive midfield, with hitherto squad player Hedwig Schelin impressive at the back. Creed United hold onto their top-of-the-line cred with a hard-bitten, scrappy 2-1 win over the Moths, Ulysses Mithradates yet again getting the job done up front and Melinda Rubio yet again rolling back the years. Russ Beresford, for his part, has done well to somewhat fill Woodgate’s shoes. Newrook and Athletic go toe-to-toe in a vigorous slugging match that sees Alan Bothroyd take home the match-ball… but the Reds take home the three points, as the score ends 3-4. Brinemouth try and capitalise on decent recent form but the Harriers resolutely man-mark them out of the game and grind their way to a point - arguably too negative, but their counterattacks almost pay dividends, and it’s actually Matt Vintner who makes the most saves out of the two goalkeepers.

Treason welcome Tannenberg back to Nephara, and they’ve got Dragan Stavanger with them! But the big striker can’t help them break down the determined rearguard from the Stags. All three goals come in the second half, as Treason flick up on the scale from ‘grim armwrestle’ to ‘dominant showcase’ - Cantor, Tarashaj and Vyntra get the goals, and Tannenberg has it all to do back in Valladares.

Three wins in a row for the Maulers! All against relegation strugglers, too. Armstrong just lack the bite to really trouble Lukas Sparr (who’s come into his own lately) and Ylissa Hatherton, who must surely be in the frame for a Nephara callup by this stage, rifles home a winner from just outside the box. Sauro Costabile is sent off on the hour mark for needlessly driving his elbow into Ankergren’s face and that’s the game over and done with as a contest. River, by contrast, have lost five in a row, having spun out of control after the 6-0 defeat. It’s telling that such a technical side seems to hope only to hold out against Serpentine, sporadically getting the ball straight to Lynwood who is worryingly out of form at the moment and finally conceding in injury time as Keoman skips past Heffernan, plays a neat one-two with Apexarena and smashes it into the top corner. The Rovers will be thankful for their own 1-0 win, as Allister immediately switches things up to a 4-4-1-1, restores Murdoch to the wing (where he does capably), shunts Saravakos forward, controversially drops captain Alex Chapin and goalkeeper Nicholas Lindberg and, well, despite all that the attack doesn’t really flow, and they end up scoring from Senturk’s corner being headed home by Conan Lineker. But it’s an encouraging sign, even so. At the top of the table - or, at least, the sides that thought they’d be at the top of the table - the Moths lock horns with the Passerines, with Johnson’s goal cancelled out by a controversial, scrappy equaliser - Kaspian looks to have practically dragged Rona Morgantrau to the ground as he thumped it beyond Griffin.

It’s a dull, grinding affair, and that’s just how Ben Randall wants it. A cautious 4-1-4-1 is favoured with Misidjan impressing in central midfield, Labonne impenetrable behind her and Tarashaj as Svensson puts Stavanger in his pocket and Fletcher takes care of the stray shots. A productive homecoming for Alexander Lopes, who has been Randall’s preferred option against the stronger teams.

A stunning result in Vermillion - no, not the Saints’ routine win over Morningstar, but the Rage pulverises Treason 3-0! It doesn’t look to be going that way when Defaye (thought to be on the way out next window) clumsily fouls Vesper in the box, and Roddy Fraser, yet to miss a penalty for the Stags, steps up to the plate… and drives his penalty against the crossbar. He endures a nightmare of a game, Orpheus Clement stands strong for the Rage and at the other end, Antunovic, Alemane and Aveline get the job done as Vermillion passes rings around the Stags. The Rovers pick up another valuable win and clean sheet, Lucy Curren’s brace taking them past Brookford comfortably. Corvette’s good run of form is put to the sword by Cranequin in a 4-1 home reversal. The Wanderers have a simple plan - pump it to Evans and Teixeira and put the Maulers’ shaky central defence under constant pressure. It works a treat, and Dakota Blaylock gets his first league goal of the season, coming off the bench in the 85th minute and scoring with his first touch a minute later. While Treason, the Moths (undone by a late Violence flurry and held to a draw) and Brinemouth all drop points, Athletic and Crisisbless just keep chugging on, matching one another blade for blade.

And just as that’s said… Crisisbless pepper Lukas Sparr’s goal all day but end up relying on Leona Rafford’s inspired thunderbastard to get anything from the game as all as Dani Harper makes them pay for their lack of finishing in injury time. Another valuable point for Corvette. And hey, the Heelers don’t have to feel too bad about it - Athletic can’t break through their inspired former goalkeeper, Orpheus Clement, in a frustrating 90 minutes against Vermillion. Belgrave and Brookford is an infuriating match - the Otters are missing Loeher through injury and can’t finish what they so often start, while Belgrave pepper Caravella’s goal before finally an inspired Laura Galloway free kick breaks them down. Brinemouth face Starling in the match of the round - Brinemouth have sometimes been very open, and sometimes shut games down with sheer, choking possession. They manage both tonight - an intense, free-wheeling first half sees Brinemouth outgun Starling 3-1, Gryphon uncharacteristically poor but perhaps not helped by support from the rest of the midfield, before they shut up shop in the second half, choke the life out of the game and score late through Kuralay anyway. Elsewhere, the Moths have a somewhat more straightforward affair against the Stags - they’re just better, and win 2-0 accordingly thanks to Meier, Jaeger and a solid defensive shift.

Newrook have struggled a bit this season, and they still have the issue of relying entirely on Bothroyd for their goals. That isn’t entirely helped by a 5-2 win in which Bothroyd scores a perfect hat-trick in the second half to take them past the Wanderers, but, you know, the fans aren’t exactly complaining? Fenwick and Jacobsen also contribute, of course. Treason have lost two in a row without scoring, but manage to break through their hoodoo against a garbage North Laithland - they’re just far more physically intense all across the field, rock-solid and hard-working, while the Spiders’ most important player, Gazzincha, continues the malaise that has so far characterised the second half of the season. Most importantly of all, a Sabrefell derby! The Moths are at home and confident, and roll out accordingly in the first half. Bereveskos should score with Athletic’s only real chance but contrives to hit a post from six inches out and the Reds are immediately punished by (who else?) Aaliyah Johnson, and then Meier cuts inside from the left, cuts back outside and then more or less clambers over Morningstar en route to powering a shot past Pressinger from just outside the box. Brunet’s team-talk evidently works a treat, though, and after half-time Athletic come out all guns blazing. Rudden forces a brilliant save from Robert Griffin (who has produced many brilliant saves across the season), Haines hacks a brutal corner off the line and Jessica Weiss comes off with a head injury, Pavel Weaver replacing her and securing a booking within forty seconds for scything through Wardenier… but ultimately, despite Ophelia Lovelock chipping over Griffin in injury time, they just can’t break through. Well, not twice, anyway. The Moths are back in town.

Two disappointing results. Celtic successfully keep Treason at arm’s length throughout the game and eventually win through Inaki Marton’s 71st-minute strike - it’s a dull game, but they’ll take the win, you’d have to imagine. Cornellians have already disposed of Starling, and now Reinhard Shale comes across his former side, Crisisbless. Jade Irwin returns to her hometown and, thanks to narrative, sets a beautiful looping ball over the top that Kathryn Kvanderwyk stretches out a leg to tap past Marciak. At the other end, Crisisbless set plenty of half-chances up but can’t break the Cornellians down, and thanks to a brilliant sprawling save from McNott in the diving seconds from the substitute Sundu, the Schottians return home with a clean sheet.

For the second time this season, Blue Coast visits Sabrefell and comes away with a result. It’s simple, in the end - Blue Coast sit back and absorb pressure, Pederson dominates Coltrane and Bensborg’s cross on the hour mark is met powerfully by a Lucio Sylvestre header for the winner. The Moths are the only Nepharim side not to lose 1-0 in internatoinal competition - indeed, nothing happens at all during their game, apart from a lot of hustle and bustle.

Creed stumble to their third straight defeat, having failed to score over the period - in fact, Soren Maaksemstad’s red-hot form over the first half of the season has cooled drastically and he’s guilty of missing a complete sitter. Not something you can accuse Serpentine of - Fanaiyan hits in a decisive diagonal cross which Taddeo Loredan, normally so reliable, manages to get to first! But he stands on the ball and falls over, and Mason streaks on past him and chips the stranded Russ Beresford for the winner. Catheline Allister’s Rovers were off to a bright start, but the honeymoon’s been steadily draining, and a 5-1 evisceration on home turf has seen the first #AllisterOut signs around the pitch. It’s not as if she’s had time to turn things around, but Harper is a club legend and her sacking for no visible positive impact has not gone down well. Belgrave are rubbish. Just a reminder. They lose 4-0 to a team that’s actually good at passing and attacking, a. k. a. Vermillion. Julia Thane up front is a band-aid that isn’t working anymore, but Ilary Muscat is clearly not up to the standard in her cameos thus far. Brinemouth have done a lot to choke the life from even very good teams this season but as has been reflected so often over the years the Stags have literally no time for such fancy-pantsery. The tone is set within the first five minutes - first Tarashaj cleans Kuralay out, and she’s no pushover herself, and then Mariska Woodspur fires past Vintner’s near post from a painfully acute angle. Woodspur continues to dominate, her crosses set up goals for Fraser and Tarashaj and then just as Brinemouth pull one back through Jess Silkman, Cantor smashes in a corner and Svensson smashes that corner into the net with his head.

Treason batter Celtic for eighty minutes. Cantor scores, almost breaking the net. Then she falls over under Kendall’s pressure to draw a penalty, steps up to take that penalty and smashes it against the crossbar. But it’s fine - Vyntra scores not long after, curling one beyond Eliot Horn. And the chances keep coming, and coming, and coming, and Labonne misplaces a pass, and Michelle Stone acts immediately to hit one over the top to Kira Koromin, who bears down on goal and chips the stranded Fletcher. Celtic win on away goals. It’s infuriating. Not for Crisisbless, though! Cornellians are stumbling in the league and the Heelers smell blood - then Urso, Jevdjevic-Hadsic and Cautcher capitalise, the last with a perfect instinctive backheel off Leona Rafford’s cross. The good shit.

A dire affair in the Blue Coast, but you’d have to imagine the Port Christopher side would be happy with that. They simply shut the Reds down, and thoroughly deserve their clean sheet. Does young Nepharim journeyman defender Alisander Seip deserve a move to the Premiership for the first time in his career? Well, the rumours are spreading, but really, Nepharim would be better-set thinking on the Moths. They’re set back by an early Carter goal, but, well… Johnson scores a hat-trick. One’s a penalty, sure, but it’s still a hat-trick. The Osarian is probab- no, she is the best striker ever seen in the Premiership. Sorry, Penumbra!

The top two have staggered of late, and both lose today. Crisisbless follow up a string of three straight draws by losing 2-0 to an energetic Parrhesia side hypercharged by Swanhilda Berisha’s inspired performance, while Athletic are outgunned and outwitted by a Brinemouth side that simply chokes the life out of the game through incessant possession before winning through an Osman Candelo bolt from the blue. But Athletic still hold six points over Crisisbless, and Crisisbless, in turn, still have a five-point buffer over the resurgent Moths, who effortlessly crush Belgrave 3-0. Brinemouth’s win allows them to overtake Creed (winless in five), who draw the Harriers (7th) to maintain ahold of the Globe Cup places. Treason are sandwiched between them, unable to break down a resilient Morningstar in a grinding scoreless draw. Bishop comfortably outplay Newrook, Starling pump Serpentine 6-0 and Vermillion patiently break down Armstrong’s defence in the second half to win. All three are in the chasing pack for the Globe Cup places, pulling away from midtable and rounding out the top ten.

Violence mop up the last of their negative goal difference with a 6-0 hammering of a listless River - they’ve pulled away from relegation trouble now while River are starting to hover dangerously close to it. Cranequin give themselves some breathing room with a draw against Coret. Brookford are also getting dangerously close to trouble as Corvette finally drag themselves out of the mire to the relative safety of 19th with a 4-1 away win over the Otters, with Lara Silverstein yet again excelling out of position and Dani Harper proving the difference a clinical striker can make. How Morningstar wish they had one of those - they lie 20th. But it could be worse! They could be North Laithland or Maximum Rovers, for instance, who are sleepwalking into the fire. The two sides faced each other, both having lost their past three, and grind out a scoreless draw that ultimately helps neither of them. Belgrave are four points adrift even of 21st and five of safety, and it’s not surprising - they’ve scored fewer goals than any other side in the league, just 28. So much for their lofty ambitions at the start of the season. At the bottom of the table, Armstrong have completely flatlined - they’ve managed two points in twelve matches and are in fact winless since that 6-1 annihilation of the Chariots. Most staggeringly of all, they’ve scored just four times in that spell! It seems like that win may have been a wake-up call for the Chariots, but it was a fucking sedative for the Knights.

A shocking result opened this sequence of results - Diamondqueen suffered their first defeat of the season! Six to one. Against East fucking Laithland. Then Southfell, chasing close behind, beat them 2-0 through goals from Kuepper and Aspenwood and then Discovery Carrera’s flicked header saw Ritter beat them as well. But just as people asked if the Diamonds were choking, they stabilised, and retain a two-point lead over the Tanners in the two-horse race at the top. Bruno Hawke has been forced to restore Gary Corsie to the starting lineup and it’s somehow paid off, though journalists have made kind of a cruel game trying to ask him questions about the state of Nepharim football. Hard-nailed captain Claire Beresford chided the press after one match; “C’mon, giving the lad general knowledge questions is like making a bear dance - it might be fun for a bit, but it’s cruel.” The battle for fourth, five points shy of Chatswood, is tight - Extreme Hills currently cling onto it despite losing 1-0 to Leichhardt through a deflected Felix Reiter cross, North Sabrefell edge Crisisbless United 4-3 while Cypher Town (who have recently trashed Ritter 5-0) and South Laithland both picked up wins of their own. Goodfeather are tenth, but have been kept comfortably at arm’s length by the proper promotion challengers thus far.

For their part, East Laithland - pegged by most to be pinned to the foot of the table all season - are… twelfth, somehow. Providence Mitford has done a brilliant job with them and aging veterans Brace, Hull-Benson and Yamaguchi have pulled well above their weight, to say nothing of the promising Audioslavian winger Bosch. They’ve overtaken Mitford’s former club, Maximum City, in the process - the Smiths have had precious little to cheer about this season. It’s tight at the bottom, with West Brinemouth (still pathetically bad at scoring) hanging perilously close to consecutive relegations and Hackett treading water thanks to a late Maas brace against Coret Rovers to give them a vital away win, while Vermillion Wanderers have picked themselves up off the foot of the table under Boon and are unbeaten in five, with three wins. Surprisingly, Greygate have slumped their way into trouble - they’re on a run of five straight defeats. Sutcroft - recently beaten by Vermillion Wanderers and earlier crushed by a staggering 9-1 by Crisisbless United - and Martella Jazz - last spotted being put in the bin 4-0 by South Laithland - both look doomed.

PREMIERSHIP

Pos Team                      P   W   D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Sabrefell Athletic       34  24   4   6  73  41  +32  76
  2 Crisisbless              34  21   7   6  58  31  +27  70
  3 Sabrefell Moths          34  19   8   7  70  39  +31  65
  4 Brinemouth               34  17   6  11  60  38  +22  57
  5 Creed United             34  17   6  11  48  35  +13  57
  6 AFC Treason              34  16   8  10  57  44  +13  56
  7 Chenoworth Harriers      34  15   9  10  51  45   +6  54
  8 Bishop                   34  15   9  10  44  38   +6  54
  9 Starling                 34  14  11   9  56  39  +17  53
 10 Vermillion Rage          34  15   6  13  47  36  +11  51
 11 Coret Hawks              34  14   5  15  51  50   +1  47
 12 AFC Serpentine           34  13   8  13  46  49   -3  47
 13 Parrhesia United         34  12   8  14  41  47   -6  44
 14 Violence Chariots        34  11  10  13  62  62   +0  43
 15 Newrook City             34  12   6  16  37  49  -12  42
 16 Brookford Otters         34  11   8  15  48  51   -3  41
 17 Raven River              34  11   7  16  37  53  -16  40
 18 Cranequin Wanderers      34  12   3  19  49  66  -17  39
 19 Corvette Maulers         34  10   8  16  50  74  -24  38
 20 Morningstar              34  10   7  17  40  53  -13  37
 21 North Laithland          34  10   6  18  37  53  -16  36
 22 Maximum Rovers           34   9   8  17  41  58  -17  35
 23 Belgrave                 34   9   5  20  28  56  -28  32
 24 Armstrong                34   6   7  21  35  59  -24  25

FIRST DIVISION

Pos Team                          P   W   D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Diamondqueen                 34  22   9   3  57  23  +34  75
  2 Southfell United             34  22   7   5  72  28  +44  73
  3 Chatswood                    34  19   7   8  45  29  +16  64
  4 Extreme Hills                34  16  11   7  60  37  +23  59
  5 North Sabrefell              34  17   7  10  60  47  +13  58
  6 South Laithland              34  15  12   7  55  31  +24  57
  7 Crisisbless United           34  18   3  13  65  44  +21  57
  8 Cypher Town                  34  15  11   8  48  29  +19  56
  9 Leichhardt                   34  15  10   9  37  24  +13  55
 10 Goodfeather FC               34  13  10  11  47  39   +8  49
 11 Iron City                    34  14   6  14  27  32   -5  48
 12 East Laithland Harriers      34  12   7  15  46  58  -12  43
 13 Cranequin City               34  10  11  13  32  40   -8  41
 14 Sheridan                     34  10  11  13  25  35  -10  41
 15 Maximum City                 34  10  10  14  31  38   -7  40
 16 Ritter Town                  34  11   6  17  34  44  -10  39
 17 Coret Rovers                 34  12   3  19  39  63  -24  39
 18 Mantlegrove                  34   9  11  14  38  43   -5  38
 19 West Brinemouth              34  10   8  16  23  35  -12  38
 20 Hackett                      34   9   9  16  37  51  -14  36
 21 Vermillion Wanderers         34   9   7  18  31  54  -23  34
 22 Greygate                     34  10   2  22  26  46  -20  32
 23 Sutcroft                     34   6  10  18  28  60  -32  28
 24 Martella Jazz                34   6   8  20  33  66  -33  26

SECOND DIVISION

Pos Team                        P   W   D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 AFC Shale                  34  20   9   5  41  17  +24  69
  2 Crossroads Town            34  17  12   5  54  31  +23  63
  3 Riverkey                   34  17   8   9  54  39  +15  59
  4 Rochford                   34  16  10   8  58  32  +26  58
  5 AFC Corvistone             34  15  13   6  53  31  +22  58
  6 Iron United                34  17   5  12  44  29  +15  56
  7 Chenoworth Rovers          34  15  11   8  33  18  +15  56
  8 Pillars of Southfell       34  14  13   7  47  31  +16  55
  9 Locksley                   34  15   8  11  46  45   +1  53
 10 The Strongest              34  15   6  13  55  52   +3  51
 11 South Parrhesia            34  14   7  13  52  52   +0  49
 12 Stonegrave                 34  14   7  13  34  34   +0  49
 13 Brindleton                 34  12   8  14  41  38   +3  44
 14 Rhagant Schadenfreude      34  11  11  12  23  31   -8  44
 15 West Hook                  34  11   8  15  34  33   +1  41
 16 Crisisbless Athletic       34   9  14  11  51  52   -1  41
 17 Kensey Town                34  10  10  14  44  47   -3  40
 18 Boleyn Town                34   9  13  12  26  37  -11  40
 19 Southriver                 34   9  12  13  39  47   -8  39
 20 Dartmouth Terriers         34   8  11  15  33  39   -6  35
 21 Dross Rovers               34   8   7  19  30  52  -22  31
 22 Brookway Town              34   7  10  17  44  72  -28  31
 23 Rushe United               34   7   6  21  45  80  -35  27
 24 Iberia Chenoworth          34   5   7  22  38  80  -42  22

THIRD DIVISION

Pos Team                    P   W   D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Strephonage            34  22   6   6  52  26  +26  72
  2 The Hanged Man         34  21   8   5  40  17  +23  71
  3 Kommissar              34  20   6   8  58  31  +27  66
  4 Peregrine              34  20   5   9  78  44  +34  65
  5 Gridlock Rovers        34  16   9   9  46  33  +13  57
  6 Falston Town           34  17   5  12  57  38  +19  56
  7 North Dubstep          34  16   8  10  52  38  +14  56
  8 Long Lake              34  15   9  10  49  32  +17  54
  9 Falston United         34  13  13   8  42  35   +7  52
 10 Lazuli Diamonds        34  13  10  11  47  40   +7  49
 11 Fenland Albion         34  13  10  11  35  32   +3  49
 12 Gosforth Swans         34  14   6  14  47  44   +3  48
 13 Ox River United        34  13   9  12  42  41   +1  48
 14 Sutcroft Athletic      34  13   8  13  43  41   +2  47
 15 Ringway                34  10  15   9  41  36   +5  45
 16 Mapleford              34  12   9  13  37  54  -17  45
 17 Fischer                34   9  12  13  35  55  -20  39
 18 Alliance Barossia      34   8   9  17  27  39  -12  33
 19 Gridlock East          34   8   9  17  34  50  -16  33
 20 Ballardine FC          34   7  11  16  38  55  -17  32
 21 Bellamy                34   7  11  16  29  48  -19  32
 22 Downsparrow            34   8   6  20  46  72  -26  30
 23 Mainstream Fist        34   5   8  21  37  75  -38  23
 24 Senway Town            34   3   8  23  32  68  -36  17

CONFERENCE WEST

Pos Team                        P   W   D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Gonen's Bridge             34  22   6   6  51  19  +32  72
  2 Boltcroft Thorns           34  18   9   7  54  35  +19  63
  3 FC Seierstad               34  18   7   9  63  37  +26  61
  4 Corinthians No Longer      34  18   7   9  55  40  +15  61
  5 Grovebank                  34  17   7  10  44  31  +13  58
  6 Fully Sick XI              34  15  11   8  48  32  +16  56
  7 Sleetwell Rangers          34  16   8  10  52  45   +7  56
  8 Harrington                 34  13  11  10  46  34  +12  50
  9 Sirencall FC               34  13  11  10  51  46   +5  50
 10 Gridlock                   34  12  12  10  31  33   -2  48
 11 Swag Hill Rovers           34  11   7  16  46  62  -16  40
 12 Courser                    34   9  12  13  38  44   -6  39
 13 Norton Road                34  10   9  15  34  40   -6  39
 14 Capricopia Rangers         34   9  12  13  47  56   -9  39
 15 Nay Town                   34  11   5  18  36  49  -13  38
 16 Tryst Athletic             34  11   5  18  36  57  -21  38
 17 Forge Carpenters           34   9   8  17  18  36  -18  35
 18 Stonesthrow Town           34   7  13  14  25  36  -11  34
 19 Ramsay                     34   7  10  17  36  43   -7  31
 20 Gartside FC                34   5   8  21  26  62  -36  23

CONFERENCE EAST

Pos Team                    P   W   D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Bodkin Road            34  21   8   5  62  28  +34  71
  2 Rochford Pilgrims      34  20   7   7  66  28  +38  67
  3 Dubstep Rangers        34  19   9   6  44  33  +11  66
  4 Stamper Road           34  17  11   6  61  36  +25  62
  5 South Brill            34  17   7  10  49  33  +16  58
  6 Hartford Glade         34  15  10   9  69  42  +27  55
  7 Blaze                  34  15   8  11  48  42   +6  53
  8 Brunyard FC            34  14  10  10  63  49  +14  52
  9 Rookwall               34  13  10  11  41  35   +6  49
 10 Lackerrun              34  14   6  14  53  57   -4  48
 11 Violence Tigers        34  13   5  16  49  48   +1  44
 12 Masculine Town         34  11  10  13  42  51   -9  43
 13 Twelvetrees            34  11   9  14  32  40   -8  42
 14 Celebryant FC          34  11   8  15  39  57  -18  41
 15 The Travellers FC      34  10   8  16  49  59  -10  38
 16 Corby Hubris           34  10   8  16  47  59  -12  38
 17 Sandrock               34   8   9  17  24  39  -15  33
 18 Coral Bay              34   6  10  18  30  58  -28  28
 19 Markoni                34   5   9  20  34  73  -39  24
 20 West End               34   4  10  20  28  63  -35  22

by **Nephara** » Tue Jun 13, 2017 2:47 pm

Cranequin beating Newrook 2-0 is nice and all - Rowena Strongbow is excellent - but it’s overshadowed by other results. Starling’s season takes a turn from bad to worse - they go all out trying to maul Creed and succeed early on, Hawke flicking a header home and strike partner Andisori hitting a post not long after. But then Pandora Dukakis’ cross is met powerfully by Maaksemstad and Creed are level on the stroke of half-time, well against the run of play. Loredan heads home a Braham corner before Braham just scores herself and the Passerines are left stunned in their wake, but at least pull one back late through Liam Armstrong. Lazuli of the fourth tier are sadly well outgunned by the Spiders, and it is more credit than the Spiders deserve to talk or care about their 7-0 win. Armstrong have nothing to lose and set out in an aggressive 4-2-3-1 formation against Treason’s second string… and win. Hearn, 34 and excelling in attacking midfield, smashes a shot through the inexperienced Rustwyth and Nikolajsen curls one beyond him, with Costabile finally living up to his billing and kicking some people around. In the end, a scarcely credible 2-0 away win emerges.

The Stags can’t waste time feeling sorry about themselves, though, and get back to work with a convincing 3-1 away win over Atlantis. Misidjan is rotated in again and impresses again, while Cantor, Fraser and Vesper - all absent for the defeat to Armstrong - all get on the scoresheet. Treason are one step closer to reaching the final in Nephara’s first involvement.

Crisisbless have only to beat Newrook at home to close the gap to three points at the top after Morningstar pick up a handy 1-0 win over Sabrefell Athletic, and win they do… NINE-ONE. It’s pointless to count the individual goals or indeed individual errors from Newrook, who aren’t helped by Rivello getting himself sent off on the stroke of half-time but come on, it was already 4-1 by then. Jevdjevic-Hadsic and Cautcher both get hat-tricks but it’s the Farf who gets the match-ball in the end, joking to the press afterwards that “Claudia’s got enough of them cluttering her house.” The Harriers have largely passed under the radar this season despite a number of quietly exceptional performances in a quietly exceptional season, but they have to be flagged up now for being pumped 5-1 by Starling on home turf, with Keira Andisori getting her own hat-trick - combine this with the two from Crisisbless and Dani Harper’s against the Hawks and it’s the most hat-tricks in any Premiership matchday in history. Armstrong decide they like this 4-2-3-1 so much that they try to take the game to the Moths the same way, but Gerhard Thunder’s players aren’t having it, and beat the Knights down 3-0 away.

It’s a drab match between Newrook and Cranequin, both sides putting out their full-strength sides but neither seeming entirely motivated. Rook Fenwick lashes a characteristically powerful strike beyond Castelen but that’s… it, really, for the game’s excitement. The Wanderers progress. Creed pulverise Starling and Karena Braham’s dominance of young Misha Symond (standing in at rightback) is summarised by two goals and two assists, with Ulysses Mithradates dominant in front of goal. Buoyed by a 7-0 success at home, North Laithland send out more or less a youth team against their fourth-tier opponents, and even so rely on Damian Keogh’s late brace to win the day. It’s a sad end for the Diamonds, but their supporters will be elated that they’ve gotten this far, and the financial rewards are nothing to sniff at. Armstrong batten down the hatches, but three goals are entirely doable for the Stags. In theory. In practice, Cup goalkeeper Helene Corridan continues her exceptional form across both legs and Costabile rams home a corner, and inexplicably the Knights have a 3-0 win on aggregate.

Signed and sealed, even with a few significant changes in a congested period for the Stags. 18-year old Amber Trahearne gets her first goal for the Stags and it’s followed up by a powerful Portsgate header, and the side never looks much like conceding. And, with that, they’ve secured themselves a final… against Euran powerhouses Ulsa.

Not a single player from the 18 Newrook footballers that made it down to Crisisbless survives the cut for Newrook’s next match - not even goalscorer and captain Fenwick. This leads to a starting debut for Magda Kattner between the posts and a number of others, and to their credit, Ifrit Coynborough and Maladict Farrell each score in an impressive 2-2 draw against the Otters, away. “I was half-tempted to put myself out there today,” Keenan (a formidable holding midfielder in her day) had said breezily post-match, “but fortunately the lads got the job done.” Athletic lose again, though it’s a hell of a match - they trade blows with River until finally just running out of time before they can find an answer to Maxine Lynwood’s flicked header, falling 3-2 in the end. And that means that, thanks largely to pulverising Newrook by such a margin, Crisisbless have officially taken the lead in the table with a convincing and professional 2-0 win over a tough but out-of-form Creed. The Moths have been utterly dominant of late with yet another 3-0 win making one wonder… well, they are only five points off top. This time, the Wanderers are the victims, with former Moth Juergen Evans barely touching the ball. “The title challenge is well and truly on,” barks Gerhard Thunder after the match. The Harriers concede five for the second match in a row, simply overpowered by a dominant Violence side. Siorrha’Asione is, by now, a distant and once-pleasant memory for the Chariots, and must surely be looking for a way out by now - Brigitte Coppinger has proved inspirational in his stead, and scores twice here.

Adam Pinto drives home a powerful header within seven dominant minutes for the hosts and things look bad for the Moths. But they brace, hold out for ten more minutes of Pasargan onslaught and then Kirsten Cliving, with a rare start enforced by injury, curls in a direct free kick from just outside the box. The Moths are dominant from then on, and Meier carves through Cosumar youth international Bale before smashing home a deserved winner just after half-time.

For all Keenan’s bravado, the Rooks can’t really afford another stunt like that, so she restores most of her strongest XI and is rewarded with a 3-1 win. Maladict Farrell keeps ahold of her place and manages a brace, with Raquel Woods notching up the clincher against a poor Coret. Crisisbless pad their goal difference advantage with a staggering 7-1 crunching of Brookford Otters, who are having a terrible season and it sadly looks like Matilda Heisenberg faces the axe by season’s end, though there’s no real point to sacking her now. Athletic keep pace with a professional 2-0 away win over Serpentine, Gareth Corvine scoring his second goal of the season against the side he spent last season on a productive loan spell with. The Harriers recover from their recent slump, though it really doesn’t seem like it when Igrene Cantor mashes home an early strike - Sheffield makes a couple of good saves, Chenoworth absorbs pressure and grows into the game and suddenly Feist, Ruhl and Mirzayev have goals to their names and the Stags are in full retreat! Full? No, not quite - Cantor’s second goal late on is enough to make the last ten minutes Interesting, but they’re unable to build on it, thanks in large part to Sheffield. Armstrong finally win a game! They’ve improved in the new 4-2-3-1 blueprint but a 2-0 win over Brinemouth is far better than expected. Damian Harbour breaks a long-standing goal drought that might dent his aspirations of a Premiership contract, and his relief is palpable - Colette Proudfoot falls under former Armstrong loanee Tessa Bayliss’ challenge and Jess Hearn’s impeccable penalty gives them their second. Helene Corridan, preferred between the posts, makes a number of impressive saves to keep them in the game.

Tanrisal are a strong side, but they have a glaring weakness - a reliance on Brenecians, and every Nepharim knows that Brenecians can’t hack it when push comes to shove. Admittedly, Caolan Coveny hits the outside of a post within a minute, but in contrast to the dicey away leg the Moths dominate here, chalking up goals from Serra and Jon Haines before Balliol neatly sets up Hofstede for a late Tani consolation.

Armstrong follow up with another clean sheet, but in truth Morningstar bossed the match and they were once again indebted to Corridan on the young goalkeeper’s 23rd birthday. Supposedly she’s now being looked at by Sabrefell Athletic and Creed. Armstrong can’t catch a break. Vedran Tarashaj picks up his first red card of the season for Treason for smashing through Olaf Womack, who’d been taunting and sniping at him all game, and it ultimately costs his side dearly - the Saints overturn a 2-1 deficit thanks to Atherton Telfair’s brace off the bench. He’s another likely to go in the offseason, frustrated by the lack of first-team opportunities. Athletic are pegged back in a dead-even tie against the UICA-chasing Harriers, Andros Diasakos the clear man of the match as his long diagonal ball sets up Steven Rexmont for a barn-storming run and a Hollywood finish into the top corner from a narrow angle. Bereveskos equalises but the damage is done. Crisisbless, however, can’t capitalise - they’re pegged back by the Passerines who are mounting a late charge for the Globe Cup places, with Liam Armstrong excelling. It’s been a long season for Starling, but this is a young side, and there’s the shoots of something exciting - it doesn’t hurt that 19-year old Cesar Corvalan comes off the bench to score the winner. The Moths, now unbeaten in ten and with seven wins from their last eight following a cruisy 1-0 win over Bishop, steal a march on both front-runners. Might Crisisbless be allowing a third horse into the two-horse title race?

Crisisbless pulverise the Hawks 4-0, hammering another nail in Rachel Weixelbraun’s coffin. They dominate the midfield, while Martell Chalobah continues his audition for the award of bargain of the fucking century with a headed goal from a corner and some sterling work securing the clean sheet. Coret’s board announces coldly after the match that Weixelbraun’s contract will not be renewed. The result allows Crisisbless to steal some ground on Athletic, who are faced with the intimidating Olaf Womack, who gets away with an off-the-ball chokeslam on Oscar Coltrane well behind the run of play. Telfair, rewarded with a start (Uzunlar suffered a season-ending metatarsal injury last game) after his heroics off the bench, flicks on Solwood’s cross to the far post where Jazmin Dragana lurks to turn it in. At the foot of the table, Belgrave dominate Serpentine but are frustrated time and again by Andreas Swoboda’s form between the sticks, while the Rovers, with Catheline Allister’s honeymoon period a distant memory, repeatedly run into the Harriers and get destroyed on the break with Ruhl, Weber and Bairstow securing a handy win for the hosts.

Morningstar have very quietly done very well for themselves lately - they’re now seven unbeaten, the latest being to hand Corvette a 3-0 thumping. They’re reportedly hoping to keep Sleipnir Woodwind, who stars here with a goal and two assists - on a permanent basis. Maximum Rovers need a result badly, and hosting Parrhesia sure looks like it might be it. It isn’t. In fact, it isn’t so hard that they get pumped 3-0, with indecisive defending, uncertain goalkeeping, Senturk being pummeled by countryman Womack and a general inability to get the ball to Curren highlighting why they’re in this predicament in the first place. Helpfully, Kolitsidakis - one of their better players - picks up an ankle knock, and injuries are starting to take a toll across the squad. Crisisbless slip again, undone by Brigitte Coppinger’s goal, but both Sabrefell sides pick up valuable wins. Athletic really have to earn theirs, though, as a resilient Creed doggedly try and hold on for victory, but they hold on hard enough that Bittner’s sent off for a second yellow card and then Rakeruth earns the first straight red of his career in the 85th and 87th minutes. The wingers Bereveskos and Corvine do the damage in a long injury time.

A clash of blue-and-white-striped heavyweights - and of three Gandhi siblings. Soldarian gets the man-of-the-match plaudits for shutting down Crisisbless’ midfield… mostly. It looks like they’ve stopped the Heelers from a precious away goal and kept them at arm’s length thanks to Alpha Gandhi’s low, driving half-volley, but in injury time Jevdjevic-Hadsic flicks in an impeccable corner, aging Daineri goalkeeper Batmacumba loses track of its flight and Martell Chalobah crashes home an equalising header. They’ll take that result.

It’s the Seinfeld of quarterfinals - a football match about nothing. The Moths run around a lot and make absolutely no headway. Olympic get the best chance of the game but Robert Griffin makes an outstanding save to keep his side in the match. Not the worst away result to take.

Crissibless suffer a third loss in four, seeming to lose their nerve in front of a hardly gunshy Vermillion. Orpheus Clement, one of the form goalkeepers of the competition, helps keep the Rage’s clean sheet, with Christa Cruz decisive off the bench. Athletic stumble as well, but at an understandable venue - travelling to Starling’s no walk in the park, and a scoreless draw isn’t the worst result in the world. Yet again, the Moths capitalise with a tense 1-0 win over Coret. There’s been concern in Coret lately over rumours that Gabriella Antonio is giving serious thought to birthing a child, but she’s yet to make any sort of official statement. The last time that happened in professional Nepharim football was, in fact, former Coret manager Anna Cliving back in the pre-UICA era. Some keystone results at the bottom of the table - Corvette picks up a valuable win over a diffident River who just can’t match their intensity while in a downpour at Creed the Rovers take full advantage, edging a scrappy match with an experienced finish from Curren. Most staggeringly of all, any hopes that Armstrong would mount a late miracle comeback were tanked spectacularly - Chenoworth crashed them 8-2. The Harriers are seriously starting to click into gear at the business end of the season, and Rexmont and Ruhl are two of the frontrunners for best new signings of the season.

Where the Audioslavian leg was cagey and fraught, the second leg is spectacular. Crisisbless ignore their flagging league form, bringing a full-strength lineup to bear on Crisisbless as Claudia Cautcher returns from injury. She does so with style, flicking home a header and an elegant strike on the edge of the box to put Crisisbless ahead early on… and then succumbs to another injury in the 38th minute. Soon after, va Drake capitalises with an impressive turn-and-shoot that sends Rafford crashing to the ground in despair and pulls one back for Cathair. Isaia Urso and Alpha Gandhi trade goals in the second half before Cautcher’s replacement, Methuselah Tregajorran, seals the deal with a spectacular diving header. When the dust settles, Crisisbless are through to the semi-finals.

Nothing happened last game, sure. Well, one thing happens this time - an Aaliyah Johnson goal. It’s enough.

A crucial, crucial matchday. Belgrave are rapidly running out of time and Creed’s alarming backslide continues - they clash and it’s the Gargoyles who come out on top. Claudia Oakwood’s back in the starting lineup for the first time in a while and rewards that faith with a goal early doors, but Laura Galloway’s penalty restores her lead as their top goalscorer after Petersen is felled by Dukakis. Kosovare Fairweather’s saves keep them in the match. That’s not a luxury Cranequin Wanderers get - they face the in-form Harriers, and they get absolutely pumped 6-0 at home. Airik Ruhl becomes the first player in modern Premiership history to score consecutive hat-tricks, further beefing up the statistics on a season which has flared into life at the halfway mark. It’s a dangerously indifferent performance from the Wanderers. Armstrong rebound from their pummelling with a 1-1 draw against the Saints, but you’d have to imagine it’s too late for them. Corvette have been in decent form lately, and Ruza Djuric’s winner with the last match of the game is three crucial points for them visiting a determined Serpentine. It feels a disservice not to detail Treason’s stalemate with Crisisbless, one of those genuinely fascinating technical battles where both sides defend spectacularly and Crisisbless are saved by Pawlo Marciak, who’s having the best season of his career. The Moths bodily collide with a Vermillion side that play with nothing to lose, and the aftermath is a 4-4 thriller. Both goalkeepers, Griffin and Clement, have been in exceptional form all season - both goalkeepers make serious clangers, and the clinical finishing of both sets of forwards does the rest. Sabrefell Athletic muscle in front, pummelling local rivals Violence 5-0 in the most one-sided East Sabrefell derby in recent memory.

Creed’s UICA promise has been undermined by terrible recent form, so it’s unsurprising to see them put it all on the line for the Cup. They muscle through Cranequin and leave the Wanderers battered and bruised, and in disastrous news for the Wanderers, Bittner hands their talismanic captain, Paul Bismarck, a season-ending ankle injury. Cruelly, the game itself comes down to Matthias Whyteleafe’s unfortunate own-goal, as he turns McMillan’s cross into his own net in the 70th minute. The match is a dull affair otherwise. Armstrong, in need of an ace up their sleeve, transition to a 3-5-2. It clearly unsettles both sides - North Laithland can’t break through and Armstrong, not helped by the ineffectiveness of backup striker Bruntwood or her eventual replacement, Jonas Busch, can’t string an attack together. Casim Maxwell impresses in a rare start, given a sweeping brief and a surprisingly free role. “The libero position’s in my blood,” the 35-year old Osarian chuckles after the match. “I’ve waited my whole life to shine there.”

A crucial matchday at the top of the table, as seemingly every relegation candidate draws - Corvette Maulers the exception, a one-man resistance in the form of Lukas Sparr eventually overcome by Konrad Feist’s searing volley. Vermillion also reduce the Spiders to a fine, freshly 3-0ed paste, but reluctantly it has to be admitted that the Laithlanders have probably done enough despite about a decade of stagnation. Whatever. It isn’t really important right now. Crisisbless and the Moths, each on 83 points, go head to head. The Moths open the scores, Serra smashing into the goal via the underside of the crossbar within six minutes, but Isaia Urso retaliates immediately. The game is played at a relentless pace, and it’s little surprise that eventually someone breaks - Etzebeth, looking exhausted from the constant pressing, passes straight to Urso, who picks a perfect thread-the-needle pass to the substitute Anika Redmayne, recently returned from injury. She looks up, picks her target and sweeps the ball beyond Griffin with her first touch from twenty-five yards. But then the Moths muscle their way back into the ascendancy - first, from a corner, Reinhard Armstrong smashes a header against the crossbar and then Mathilda Jaeger goes one better. A neat one-two with Aaliyah Johnson puts Johnson into a great position from a narrow angle. She fires, Marciak gets hands to it and punches it into the ground, and it bounces. High. Osmosis Gandhi goes up for it… and Jaeger nudges him ever so gently in the spine with her shoulder, and he stumbles, and she nods it in from about a yard and a half. Gerhard Thunder, who knows all the tricks as a former striker himself, chuckles all the way to the bank, but the truth is that a point serves neither of them well.

So that’s an opportunity for Athletic, on 87 points, to extend their lead to six points. Who stands in their way? Oh, nothing much - just the small matter of AFC Treason, at home. Daniel Brunet, who it’s fair to say has a vendetta against Treason, is unfussed. “We trashed them 3-0 in preseason, 5-1 at home - we can do the job on their turf,” he tells the press, and his words are borne out on the pitch - five different goalscorers guide their way to a 5-2 win. Treason earn two penalties, real sliding doors moments in the match. The first, won by Vesper, is tucked away by Fraser to make it 2-2, but the second, four minutes later from a shaky Campbell handball, is palmed away . It could have been 3-2. Maybe they could have held out. But it wasn’t, and they didn’t. Athletic lead the table by six points with nine left to play for.

Both of these matches are fucking terrible. Creed’s been in a damp spell lately - no, not just with their form on the pitch, but in terms of the weather. Rowena Strongbow has to practically retrieve her wedge from the golfcart to dig in a high cross in the downpour, and Loredan is steamrolled by Teixeira as both of them miss the ball. Following the bounce, Lance Diebeck rushes in from midfield and hits it low and hard, and two heavy deflections off Rakeruth and Rubio befuddle Caldwick. It goes to penalties, and both Caldwick and Castelen manage a save - but then Karena Braham, Creed’s best player across the season, skims her decisive penalty off the top of the crossbar. Armstrong revert to their more assertive 4-2-3-1 and the lack of pressure seems to liberate them - Jonas Busch, playing in an unfamiliar role as a right winger, smashes home a rather awkward left-footed shot from just outside the box. But it’s not enough, as Rasunda Vanderlei dispossesses Kisel, looks up, spots Corridan off her line and manages to chip her from inside the centre circle. The Spiders progress on away goals.

Perfect. It all comes down to this. Quickly racing through still-noteworthy but less relevant games - Vermillion trash Brinemouth 5-1, the Moths are surprisingly held by North Laithland and Armstrong manage a goal en route to still losing. But the real important thing here is that Athletic host Crisisbless. If Crisisbless win, the gap is shrunk to three points, with two games left to play. In the event of a draw, it’s six points between Athletic and the Moths/Heelers, and Technically possible. Athletic need a win to clinch the title. As NFA policy dictates, the trophy is wheeled out onto the sidelines during the match, both sets of players hungrily eying it as they walk out. This warrants its own paragraph.

In contrast to the freewheeling affairs of last week, this is a tense fixture, and the most visible players are the defensive midfielders Tedesco and Sarracena. Morningstar picks up a booking in the 16th minute for cleaning out Lohengrin, the hot-blooded Ozaria Gandhi picks one up two minutes later for hacking down Gerhardt while pressing from the front. It’s Gandhi that gets the first clear-cut chance of the match, and it takes 35 minutes to get one - a beautiful through-ball from Isaia Urso, she slips past Campbell, but the Christopheran defender pulls off a spectacular gut-busting run to catch up to her and, with an inch-perfect slide tackle in the box, neatly dispossess her. Three minutes later, Athletic score through something of a fluke. Lovelock’s throw-in to Rudden, who slips through Rafford and passes it back to Lovelock, now under pressure from Tedesco. She hammers in a cross and it bounces off the top of Tedesco’s head, and for the second time in as many games Osmosis Gandhi’s beaten for the header - this time, without cheating, as Avila Wardenier simply angles her run ahead of him and leaps mightily to head the ball… against the post. The bounce falls well for Rudden, who passes it to an unmarked Coltrane as the Crisisbless defence reels in disarray and Coltrane hits it to Bereveskos, similarly in space, and she turns and rifles it past Marciak with such violent velocity that she falls down in the act of it, and the entire team crowds her. It’s like Athletic know it’s what they’re going to get - they’re very cautious for the rest of the match, playing to hit Crisisbless on the counter, and while that doesn’t work? The Heelers can’t break past Lind Pressinger, either, as Athletic’s staunch defence holds. It’s injury time, and Jevdjevic-Hadsic runs up for the last corner of the match. Pawlo Marciak runs up, too. Martell Chalobah, who has scored a fair few key goals for Crisisbless this season, lumbers forward. The Farfish international hits it in and it curls… too much. Lind Pressinger leaps into Chalobah at velocity to claim the ball and falls gratefully upon it, and the final whistle blows. It’s official - Sabrefell Athletic are champions of Nephara, Daniel Brunet has won the title he threw away with Maximum City so many years ago, and Sarracena has stayed true to his word of securing just one more title for the club he’s become a symbol of before he, too, follows the rest of his kinsmen. Nobody can say they don’t deserve it.

It’s kind of cruel that Crisisbless immediately need to be shunted into a do-or-die home fixture against mighty Ulsa, but they chalk up two goals to the good in the first half. Allison Swan curls in a beautiful pearl of a goal from outside the box and then a rather more utilitarian effort as Ozaria Gandhi heads home Lohengrin’s vicious diagonal cross see the Heelers… well, not exactly cruising, it’s Ulsa, but leading and confident. And then, at the hour mark, something changes. The Heelers just run out of steam, and it shows. Poor defending from Lohengrin allows Szalai to race past her far too easily and slash in a low cross for Kris Campbell to tap home and, despite the defensive substitution of holding midfielder Condotta for striker Redmayne, Freddie Nolan scores a spectacular equaliser from 30 yards.

The Moths and Port Sebastian have something in common - they’re both so close yet so far away from the title, though admittedly Porty have a fair bit more of the season to run. Perhaps that translates to weariness on the pitch, as the Moths look jaded in the first half. They score against the run of play through Cardinal Belgrave, but Novkovic’s equaliser is the least Porty deserve. Gerhard Thunder makes three substitutes at half-time to underline his displeasure. But Port Sebastian have a lethal weapon on their bench, in the form of the old favourite Leonardo Conavacio. He’s wheeled on at half-time, too, and immediately elbows Pavel Weaver in the throat to establish dominance, prompting a fight in the Moths’ box. When the dust clears there, he scores two tap-ins to infuriate the Moths further, and seemingly put this tie out of reach for Sabrefell. Sloane Kirkland helps the cause with arguably the tackle of the season, somehow sliding between the lethal Johnson’s legs when the Osarian forward was in full flight on the counterattack and scooping the ball away to safety.

“Why didn’t they just hand us the points? Not like they need them.” Already unpopular, Catheline Allister’s words in the aftermath of her Rovers losing 1-0 to Athletic, physical but slow and limited as ever, go down like a lead balloon. The B-lists of the Moths and Crisisbless chalk up home draws against North Laithland and Brinemouth as they limp towards the end of the season, Champions’ Cup places secure, and Brinemouth are worth a shout-out as well for recovering from their appalling start to the season. There’s the seventh win in a row for Chenoworth, after a tight contest against Newrook sees them edge it through Rexmont. Starling and Vermillion in 6th and 7th both drop points, opening themselves up to a potential steal from AFC Treason - unsurprisingly, Ben Randall’s underperforming side do at least manage to reduce Belgrave to a fine paste, relegating them in the process. Sadly, despite picking up three points, Creed United’s recent backslide leaves them out of contention.

That win comes at the expense of Corvette Maulers, undone by a last-minute equaliser - cruelly, Braham’s shot skidded low and squeezed under Lukas Sparr, who’s been a bulwark for them across most of the season but really should have done better. They could’ve been clear of danger! Now they aren’t, as Cranequin’s useful point travelling to Starling means they’re within striking distance of true safety. Juergen Evans has been disappointing this season, but his first-half brace against the Passerines could be some of the most valuable goals anyone scores this season. The Wanderers have to contend with Rovers two points behind in 22nd just to keep ahold of their playoff place. As for those already down, Belgrave as aforementioned are left without a chance by Treason while Armstrong have won precisely one game in twenty-three. They went down for sure a while ago. Not really relevant to either end of the table, but Parrhesia’s 4-0 annihilation of Bishop with a hat-trick from Dragana against her old club sees the Saints leapfrog the Cardinals - surely worth an aside mention, at least.

Crisisbless’ assault on the final starts in disastrous fashion as Craig Sinclair drops a perfect pass between the Heelers’ defence for Campbell to pump it home. It’s the 35th second of the match. The questions are raised yet again that Nephara’s league might be the highest-ranked in the world, but can it match the likes of Eura and Audioslavia for the genuinely top talent? But Portia Thrift’s squad drags themselves back into contention - first Urso shows why she’s captain with a swerving strike, then Redmayne and Priest (in for the injured Cautcher and suspended Jevdjevic-Hadsic) plead the Nepharim case for strength in depth by lashing in goals of their own. Campbell forces a spectacular save from Marciak with a header that almost nails the corner of post and crossbar, but the Buyanese goalkeeper gets a strong hand to it. The veteran Jakob Lindisfarne pulls one back in the 80th minute, but they need two more - and the Heelers’ defence holds firm to deny them.

Mark down the date. The Moths looked done and dusted after the first leg, but their task becomes easier when Meier’s cross is hacked clumsily away by Kirkland, a colossus in the first leg. Hacked away to Aaliyah Johnson. Who instinctively kills it with her first touch then tucks it away with her second. The Moths sniff blood, and Orion Etzebeth bulldozes countrywoman Michi Leonard before hacking the ball over the top. It’s ugly, but it works as the gangly Jaeger beats Hwang to it and the ball bounces in the middle of nowhere, which very quickly becomes the middle of somewhere as Aaliyah Johnson volleys it into the roof of the net. But just as the Moths start to think they can settle in, Leonard atones with a beautiful forward ball that Bia catches wonderfully to fire past Griffin, who was caught a little off guard. It puts them back ahead in the tie, in first-half injury time, but showing the mental resilience that has been so key to the Moths all season Gerhard Thunder’s squad rise to the occasion, levelling the tie on aggregate in the 50th minute as Scheherezade Meier cuts inside, leaving Esther Abner stranded, and drives forward into the box, chipping the erratic Grumbla as he impulsively rushes out. But the job wasn’t done yet - both sides went hammer-and-tongs for the winner, and both sides defended strongly. It would take a moment of magic from the old veteran Leo Hargreaves. Given a direct free kick from a perfect range, he curled it beautifully over the wall and yet with the dip to fall strongly and bounce awkwardly in front of Grumbla, who did get fingers to it… but not enough to stop the winner from weakly bouncing into the back of the net. One of the best comebacks in the history of Nepharim UICA history, but hopefully Porty - and Schottia as a whole - can take the positives from their strong run in the tournament.

All to play for at both ends of the table heading into the final matchday. Diamondqueen remain clinging to the top by a point, but Southfell have matched them at every turn. Both won convincingly to set them up for the battle to continue into the final day, the Diamonds crashing through Maximum 2-0 and Southfell beasting Goodfeather 3-0. Extreme Hills have leapfrogged Chatswood into third with an easy win over Martella, Dexter Vorbeck really firing on all cylinders with thirteen goals from his last ten to streak out to the top of the scoring charts. Chatswood were poor against Crisisbless United, who have been wildly inconsistent but explosively good on their day. Leichhardt, an early favourite for promotion at the start of the season, are fifth and technically still in the chase, tenaciously hanging in with a 1-0 chokehold over Vermillion. Goodfeather and Maximum remain stranded in midtable mediocrity.

West Brinemouth are in worse straits, and still somehow only have twenty-nine goals - but they are safe, at least, as are rag-tag, unfancied Hackett, who have coerced an unusually prolific run of form from the journeyman forward Maas. East Laithland, having just seemingly played their way out of trouble, played their way back into it with a dreadful run of form, getting seven points from their past eleven matches and being repeatedly pumped. Conceding four from Southfell, five from Ritter… hell, even once from West Brinemouth. But Pato Yamaguchi snapped a goalless run throughout that streak with a flicked header to surprisingly beat South Laithland 1-0 and ensure they’re out of the relegation picture. It will come down to Vermillion Wanderers, who have been lifted back to their baseline by new manager Boon and some brilliant goalkeeping from Iona Britton, and Greygate (kept afloat recently by a battling win over Diamondqueen) for survival. Mantlegrove have fallen asleep at the wheel, six defeats in a row including a 6-0 evisceration by the Diamonds seeing them slip under the line, while Sutcroft have been in good form. Just, not quite good enough. Martella have been a disaster all season, though, and this relegation isn’t a surprise - they’re sixteen points from safety. Had Gunther Shawcroft not taken an ACL injury and missed half the season, would they have been in with a shot of staying up? No. Sixteen points.

PREMIERSHIP

Pos Team                      P   W   D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Sabrefell Athletic       45  30   6   9  92  50  +42  96
  2 Sabrefell Moths          45  24  14   7  92  51  +41  86
  3 Crisisbless              45  25  10  10  85  42  +43  85
  4 Brinemouth               45  24   8  13  78  50  +28  80
  5 Chenoworth Harriers      45  23  10  12  82  63  +19  79
  6 Starling                 45  21  14  10  81  53  +28  77
  7 Vermillion Rage          45  22   9  14  71  47  +24  75
  8 AFC Treason              45  21  11  13  82  65  +17  74
  9 Creed United             45  20   8  17  57  48   +9  68
 10 Parrhesia United         45  18  11  16  60  57   +3  65
 11 Bishop                   45  17  12  16  53  56   -3  63
 12 Violence Chariots        45  16  13  16  78  79   -1  61
 13 Coret Hawks              45  17   8  20  66  67   -1  59
 14 AFC Serpentine           45  15  12  18  64  75  -11  57
 15 Brookford Otters         45  15  11  19  68  71   -3  56
 16 Raven River              45  15  11  19  51  66  -15  56
 17 Morningstar              45  15  10  20  51  61  -10  55
 18 North Laithland          45  15  10  20  50  66  -16  55
 19 Newrook City             45  14  10  21  54  77  -23  52
 20 Corvette Maulers         45  12  10  23  60  91  -31  46
 21 Cranequin Wanderers      45  12   7  26  59  91  -32  43
 22 Maximum Rovers           45  10  11  24  50  80  -30  41
 23 Belgrave                 45  10   8  27  38  78  -40  38
 24 Armstrong                45   7  10  28  44  82  -38  31

FIRST DIVISION

Pos Team                          P   W   D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Diamondqueen                 45  28  10   7  76  32  +44  94
  2 Southfell United             45  28   9   8  89  40  +49  93
  3 Extreme Hills                45  23  12  10  79  48  +31  81
  4 Chatswood                    45  23  12  10  54  34  +20  81
  5 Leichhardt                   45  22  12  11  50  29  +21  78
  6 Crisisbless United           45  24   5  16  86  57  +29  77
  7 Cypher Town                  45  20  13  12  59  37  +22  73
  8 North Sabrefell              45  21   9  15  74  60  +14  72
  9 South Laithland              45  18  15  12  62  42  +20  69
 10 Goodfeather FC               45  18  14  13  61  49  +12  68
 11 Iron City                    45  19   9  17  38  44   -6  66
 12 Cranequin City               45  16  11  18  47  49   -2  59
 13 Maximum City                 45  15  12  18  46  51   -5  57
 14 Ritter Town                  45  16   8  21  48  54   -6  56
 15 Sheridan                     45  13  14  18  31  45  -14  53
 16 Coret Rovers                 45  16   5  24  53  85  -32  53
 17 Hackett                      45  12  14  19  46  61  -15  50
 18 West Brinemouth              45  13  11  21  29  44  -15  50
 19 East Laithland Harriers      45  14   8  23  56  81  -25  50
 20 Vermillion Wanderers         45  13  10  22  45  66  -21  49
 21 Greygate                     45  14   4  27  36  59  -23  46
 22 Sutcroft                     45  10  14  21  41  69  -28  44
 23 Mantlegrove                  45  10  12  23  43  67  -24  42
 24 Martella Jazz                45   8   9  28  45  91  -46  33

SECOND DIVISION

Pos Team                        P   W   D   L For   Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Crossroads Town            45  23  15   7  65   40  +25  84
  2 AFC Shale                  45  23  13   9  49   26  +23  82
  3 AFC Corvistone             45  21  18   6  71   37  +34  81
  4 Rochford                   45  22  14   9  75   42  +33  80
  5 Chenoworth Rovers          45  21  14  10  46   26  +20  77
  6 Riverkey                   45  22  11  12  64   51  +13  77
  7 Iron United                45  22   6  17  57   41  +16  72
  8 South Parrhesia            45  21   9  15  72   59  +13  72
  9 Stonegrave                 45  20  11  14  53   41  +12  71
 10 Pillars of Southfell       45  18  15  12  62   45  +17  69
 11 Locksley                   45  18  12  15  60   58   +2  66
 12 Crisisbless Athletic       45  15  17  13  71   63   +8  62
 13 The Strongest              45  17  10  18  69   71   -2  61
 14 Brindleton                 45  15  12  18  54   52   +2  57
 15 West Hook                  45  14  11  20  41   42   -1  53
 16 Southriver                 45  13  14  18  50   62  -12  53
 17 Kensey Town                45  14  10  21  53   64  -11  52
 18 Boleyn Town                45  12  16  17  34   48  -14  52
 19 Dartmouth Terriers         45  11  15  19  49   57   -8  48
 20 Rhagant Schadenfreude      45  11  15  19  27   46  -19  48
 21 Dross Rovers               45  12  10  23  45   64  -19  46
 22 Brookway Town              45   8  16  21  54   90  -36  40
 23 Rushe United               45   9   6  30  56   99  -43  33
 24 Iberia Chenoworth          45   7  12  26  51  104  -53  33

THIRD DIVISION

Pos Team                    P   W   D   L  For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 The Hanged Man         45  28  10   7   52  23  +29  94
  2 Kommissar              45  28   8   9   83  42  +41  92
  3 Strephonage            45  28   8   9   72  35  +37  92
  4 Peregrine              45  28   7  10  106  55  +51  91
  5 North Dubstep          45  22  11  12   64  45  +19  77
  6 Gridlock Rovers        45  21  11  13   68  44  +24  74
  7 Falston Town           45  20  10  15   71  51  +20  70
  8 Falston United         45  18  15  12   54  46   +8  69
  9 Lazuli Diamonds        45  18  13  14   63  54   +9  67
 10 Sutcroft Athletic      45  18  11  16   58  53   +5  65
 11 Ox River United        45  18  11  16   53  54   -1  65
 12 Fenland Albion         45  16  15  14   41  38   +3  63
 13 Mapleford              45  15  16  14   48  65  -17  61
 14 Long Lake              45  16  12  17   54  45   +9  60
 15 Gosforth Swans         45  16  10  19   59  61   -2  58
 16 Ringway                45  13  18  14   50  51   -1  57
 17 Fischer                45  12  15  18   42  66  -24  51
 18 Alliance Barossia      45  12  11  22   38  48  -10  47
 19 Ballardine FC          45  12  11  22   53  71  -18  47
 20 Downsparrow            45  12   9  24   60  87  -27  45
 21 Bellamy                45   9  14  22   39  67  -28  41
 22 Gridlock East          45   9  13  23   39  67  -28  40
 23 Mainstream Fist        45   7  11  27   48  95  -47  32
 24 Senway Town            45   4  10  31   37  89  -52  22

CONFERENCE WEST

Pos Team                        P   W   D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Gonen's Bridge             38  22   8   8  53  25  +28  74
  2 FC Seierstad               38  20   9   9  69  41  +28  69
  3 Boltcroft Thorns           38  20   9   9  62  38  +24  69
  4 Corinthians No Longer      38  20   7  11  60  47  +13  67
  5 Fully Sick XI              38  18  11   9  57  40  +17  65
  6 Grovebank                  38  18   7  13  48  40   +8  61
  7 Sirencall FC               38  16  11  11  58  49   +9  59
  8 Harrington                 38  15  13  10  53  36  +17  58
  9 Sleetwell Rangers          38  16  10  12  55  52   +3  58
 10 Gridlock                   38  14  14  10  34  34   +0  56
 11 Swag Hill Rovers           38  12   9  17  53  66  -13  45
 12 Norton Road                38  11  11  16  39  44   -5  44
 13 Courser                    38  10  14  14  42  48   -6  44
 14 Tryst Athletic             38  12   7  19  40  63  -23  43
 15 Nay Town                   38  11   8  19  39  53  -14  41
 16 Stonesthrow Town           38   8  16  14  30  39   -9  40
 17 Capricopia Rangers         38   9  13  16  50  66  -16  40
 18 Forge Carpenters           38   9  11  18  19  38  -19  38
 19 Ramsay                     38   8  11  19  42  49   -7  35
 20 Gartside FC                38   7   9  22  30  65  -35  30

CONFERENCE EAST

Pos Team                    P   W   D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Bodkin Road            38  23   9   6  66  31  +35  78
  2 Dubstep Rangers        38  22   9   7  49  36  +13  75
  3 Rochford Pilgrims      38  22   7   9  73  34  +39  73
  4 South Brill            38  21   7  10  57  34  +23  70
  5 Stamper Road           38  19  12   7  66  39  +27  69
  6 Hartford Glade         38  17  10  11  75  52  +23  61
  7 Lackerrun              38  18   6  14  65  59   +6  60
  8 Blaze                  38  17   8  13  53  47   +6  59
  9 Brunyard FC            38  15  10  13  67  56  +11  55
 10 Rookwall               38  14  12  12  48  40   +8  54
 11 Violence Tigers        38  15   5  18  51  51   +0  50
 12 Masculine Town         38  12  10  16  45  57  -12  46
 13 Twelvetrees            38  12   9  17  34  44  -10  45
 14 Corby Hubris           38  12   8  18  56  64   -8  44
 15 Celebryant FC          38  11   8  19  40  63  -23  41
 16 The Travellers FC      38  10  10  18  51  66  -15  40
 17 Sandrock               38   9  11  18  27  44  -17  38
 18 Coral Bay              38   8  10  20  36  63  -27  34
 19 West End               38   6  11  21  33  67  -34  29
 20 Markoni                38   6  10  22  38  83  -45  28

by **Nephara** » Sun Jun 25, 2017 4:05 pm

THE FINAL DAY
THE RELEGATION BATTLE
Maximum Rovers vs. Crisisbless
The Rovers will be striving to win - if they win and Cranequin don’t, they will take the relegation playoff place. For Crisisbless, it’s just the difference between maybe getting second or definitely coming third, so they’re understandably prioritising the Champions Cup final.

Cranequin Wanderers vs. Violence Chariots
Cranequin have a lot of incentive to get a result here. If they win, they will overtake Corvette if they lose (which is likely), and avoid the relegation playoff. If they lose or draw, they may also avoid the relegation playoff! Since the Rovers might overtake them. Violence have recovered well in the second half of the season, but have nothing to play for. They’ve even recalled Siorrha’Asione as something of an olive branch - he’s very definitely on his third strike.

Corvette Maulers vs. Starling
Corvette need a result, any result, to ensure safety. Starling have a narrow chance of taking 4th place if they win - they just need Brinemouth and the Harriers to both slip up.

UICA SHUFFLING
Brinemouth vs. North Laithland
Brinemouth have their Champions’ Cup place to protect from the Harriers and Starling. For North Laithland, it’s a dead rubber, and they’re understandably resting many of their players for the Cup final.

Armstrong vs. AFC Treason
Armstrong, who have managed all of eight (8) points in the second half of the season so far, will be rooted to the floor regardless of how many goals Treason put by them. The Stags need to win and hope Vermillion don’t.

Raven River vs. Vermillion Rage
Vermillion winning will secure a Globe Cup place. River have nothing in particular to play for.

Chenoworth Harriers vs. Brookford Otters
Chenoworth can overtake Brinemouth to come fourth if they win and the Dockers lose. Matilda Heisenberg is almost certainly facing the axe, and will hope to end in a typically Brookfordic blaze of glory.

DEAD RUBBERS
Belgrave vs. Sabrefell Athletic
Second-last vs. the champions. Unsurprisingly, Athletic are tipped to win this particular derby. No places will change.

Morningstar vs. Sabrefell Moths
Morningstar have nothing to play for, while the Moths can at least make sure they hold onto second with a win - but they are resting almost their entire first team in anticipation of the Globe Cup final.

AFC Serpentine vs. Coret Hawks
Rachel Weixelbraun will want to end her tenure (she’s definitely getting axed) on a high, but that’s about it.

Bishop vs. Creed United
If Bishop win...

Parrhesia United vs. Newrook City
… and the Saints lose, then Jazmin Dragana’s upwardly-mobile move will officially have backfired.

FIRST DIVISION
Chatswood vs. Diamondqueen
North Sabrefell vs. Southfell United
The title is coming down to the last day, and it will be a proper nail-biter. Diamondqueen must travel to a strong Chatswood side and equal or better Southfell’s result against the 8th-place Bohemians.

Leichhardt vs. Martella Jazz
Sutcroft vs. Extreme Hills
Chatswood will be looking over their shoulder, too - three teams are vying for one and a half promotion spots, and they currently occupy the half. Chatswood face a tall order - they will be looking to better Extreme Hills’ result against Sutcroft to take third. If they lose, Leichhardt will overtake them if they can beat Martella. Unhelpfully, not only are Sutcroft and Martella both terrible, but they’re both already relegated.

Mantlegrove vs. Vermillion Wanderers
Greygate vs. Coret Rovers
The relegation battle is coming down to the final day, but it is undermined just a little by the relative ease of Vermillion’s task. Asmund Boon’s Wanderers need a result against already-relegated Mantlegrove, but if they slip up, victory for Greygate against mediocre Coret will drag them to safety.

SECOND DIVISION
Rochford vs. Crossroads Town
AFC Shale vs. Boleyn Town
AFC Corvistone vs. West Hook
The promotion places are all locked in, but there’s still a title chase going on. Crossroads are first, but they face tough opposition in Rochford (who are all but mathematically promoted) away. Shale (two points shy) and Corvistone (three, but with the best goal difference) both have a chance to steal it if Crossroads slip and they can beat their mediocre opponents at home.

KICK-OFF! The stakes are high, all the way down the leagues. It is, officially, On.
1 mins - Catheline Allister winces on the touchline as her Rovers already fuck up. Alexandra Saravakos passes straight to Jevdjevic-Hadsic who immediately sends a peach of a diagonal ball in on goal, and Methuselah Tregajorran is only narrowly beaten to it by Lineker, who beats it away. After 25 seconds. It’s a young Crisisbless side, but if Allister can’t pull this great escape off, it will probably mean her job.
2 mins - Crisisbless’ first shot on target, and Malta Hawthorn has to react sharply to palm away a vicious drive from Allison Swan. This could be really ugly!
3 mins - First yellow card. Predictably, it’s Morningstar’s deputy rightback Malakai Seluk, who kicks Moths winger Valencia Ashburner in the shins.
4 mins - GOAL! Well, that was predictable. Belgrave have dominated possession early doors and largely been allowed to by Sabrefell Athletic’s second string. In Athletic’s first attack, Ole Oehman casually hits one long over the top of Belgrave’s leftback, Markranstadt, who falls over. Bereveskos doesn’t fall over, takes the ball and with a sway of the hips to wrongfoot Fairweather sticks it in the net. A beautiful assist on Oehman’s swansong. BEL 0-1 SFA.
5 mins - Corvette have gone all guns blazing for Starling’s throat, but it’s just the final ball that’s missing. Ylissa Hatherton, whose red-hot form has cooled off lately, strikes the crossbar from just outside the box.
6 mins - Ohhh, that’s controversy. Cranequin defender Pietersen crunches through Chariots winger Carroll with studs up. The referee, Diana Pearce, plumps for a yellow, but you’d have to think if it wasn’t in the first ten minutes that’d be a red. The Chariots let it go without too much complaining, probably just grateful that Carroll’s fit to continue.
7 mins - Fit enough, in fact, to take the free kick, send it into the danger zone and Asher Voeller clambers over goalkeeper Darren Gravesend to scuffle the ball in! But it’s disallowed, and the away fans are livid at the referee. Pearce is probably right this time, though.
8 mins - GOAL! Is this the goal that will save Rachel Weixelbraun’s job? No. But it’s nice anyway. Athanasios Nikolaidis gets some space outside the box, the Coret strikers flit away and drag the defenders out of position but Nikolaidis just goes for it anyway, hitting it low and hard across Swoboda and into the bottom corner of the net. SRP 0-1 COH.
9 mins - In the second tier, Crisisbless United are already 2-0 up against East Laithland thanks to a Fabula Plath brace.
10 mins - Damian Harbour is fighting for the continuation of his Premiership career, more or less. On thirteen goals for the season, he more or less is left to single-handedly battle for goal number fourteen. That said, he’s up against a second-string Treason back line. Nikolajsen drops the ball on his head and he manages to shove Vornander and Przybyla to the ground, one in each hand, and then bullcharges the ball, ending up kicking goalkeeper Sigurd Rustwyth in the ribs. Well, nobody can say he doesn’t try.
11 mins - The Rovers have had a bit of respite. A bit. Then Hawthorn’s forced into her second and third saves in quick succession. Camilla Priest curls in a shot and it bounces awkwardly, Hawthorn palms it away, Breisgau follows the shot’s trajectory and stretches out a leg to try and deflect it in and Hawthorn wildly sprawls to make that save, too. Jurist clears. Ugly, but kind of spectacular.
12 mins - Every relevant First Division match has gotten off to a really fucking cagey start, it has to be said. While the Premiership’s gotten generally more attacking in recent years, the lower tiers haven’t really followed suit. Not a bad thing in itself, of course.
13 mins - Chenoworth are pushing for a Champions’ Cup place, but that’s derailed when attacking midfielder Auburn Weber collapses in an off-the-ball incident and needs to be stretchered off. That… isn’t good. Monica Bairstow replaces her. So far their match hasn’t really kicked off yet, with the Otters seemingly mostly interested in not being smashed. Like last year, where they rounded off the season by being pumped 6-0! That was really fun!!
14 mins - GOAL! Serpentine are phoning it in. A sloppy pass from Riesling is cut out by young Ivana Henderson, who almost stumbles from her sheer momentum but manages to cut the ball across for the prowling Gabriella Antonio to sidefoot it neatly home past the incandescently angry Swoboda. SRP 0-2 COH.
15 mins - Corvistone have taken the lead against West Hook. After their terrible start to the season, new manager Davalei Evatee has orchestrated a brilliant turnaround in their fortunes, and Jack Brier’s far-post header gives them a fighting chance of winning the title. Rochford still need to beat Crossroads, though.
16 mins - Extremely giffable moment in the Bishop vs. Creed snoozefest. Ashley Kresinger notices the stadium camera is focused on her for no particular reason and has a grin and a knowing wink to offer the viewers at home.
17 mins - GOAL! Well, that went totally against the run of play. Kolitsidakis is clumsily brought down by Condotta and Aziz Senturk does what he does from the dead ball, lofting it into the top corner. Marciak brushes fingertips to it, but can’t change its path. MXR 1-0 CRI.
18 mins - Laura Galloway, captain and talisman of Belgrave, hits in an outswinging corner that, uh, lands on the roof of the net. Belgrave’s season in Vine form. They came in with great ideals and all, but lacked the physicality or the genuine threat to actually do anything. Fairweather, Tsiolkas and Petersen might be impressive captures for a bottom-half Premiership side, though.
19 mins - Crisisbless have responded to going down a goal by taking forceful dominance over the game, the Rovers have barely had a sniff since taking the lead. Granted, they barely had a sniff since before it, either. That club is going to need a mass cleanout, survival or not.
20 mins - Armstrong have been one of the worst sides in Premiership history in the second half of the season, with their mighty one (1) win. There just never was the quality to survive, despite a few spirited performances along the way. Which Knights will be sought after by Premiership sides? Corridan, as a backup? Oh, hey, speaking of-
21 mins - GOAL! Saskia Kantaroff’s cross, Ida Preussler’s header, Treason’s opening goal. ARM 0-1 TRE.
22 mins - Siorrha’Asione reminds everyone that he is, somehow, starting, by nutmegging Cranequin leftback Markus Salone. Salone, pretty tense by the fact that as things stand Cranequin are going down, shoves the Farf into the advertising hoardings. The Wanderers’ first booking, and yet again the Chariots’ set piece is dangerous - only narrowly claimed by Gravesend.
23 mins - Even if the Wanderers do stay afloat in 21st, they’ll have two other must-win games coming up in a short space of time - the relegation playoff and the Cup final. And this with their extremely physically intensive style of play...
24 mins - GOAL! Things get worse for Cranequin. Starling overextend and lose the ball, Dani Harper takes the ball, sprints forward on the counterattack and jinks past Marquon before chipping the stranded Hargrave. CVM 1-0 STA.
25 mins - Tipped by most for relegation at the start of the season, the Maulers have impressed. Always likable with their fast, aggressive football, they were kept afloat thanks in no small part to Lukas Sparr in goal and Lara Silverstein, a revelation in defensive midfield.
26 mins - GOAL! Brinemouth have been comfortably dominant against North Laithland, and this goal’s the least they deserve. Bartley outruns and outmuscles Karsten Riordan and bears down on goal, feinting for the cutback to Scafidis before whipping the ball past a flat-footed Steed Corren’s near post. A trainwreck for the Spiders, but there’s still plenty of time… to... BRI 1-0 NLA.
27 mins - GOAL! Jesus Christ. BRI 2-0 NLA.
28 mins - Cranequin have arguably enjoyed the rub of the green from the referee today, but they get no joy from the penalty shouts when Strongbow falls heavily over sweeping goalkeeper Maxine Edelgrau. Edelgrau motions for a dive, which is practically enough to start a fight in Nephara, but the referee decides, probably correctly, that, well, it’s a contact sport, and there was a bit of contact. No call given either way.
29 mins - RED CARD! That’s the shit we like to see. Olaf Womack decides to take the opportunity of a long throw-in to drive his elbow into Newrook midfielder Sanna’s head. It’s spotted, and he’s sent off for, bizarrely, just the first time all season. Parrhesia manager Spike Turnbull winces in a ‘this is my last game, don’t fuck this up’ kind of way.
30 mins - Alessa Marconi hustles on to replace the bleeding Sanna. The clever Nephara U21 international might, intriguingly, be subject to an international tug of war between the country of her birth and her father’s, Yttribia, now that the Ravens have announced their re-entry into WCC competition. Crisisbless midfielder Bianca Condotta is also eligible.
31 mins - GOAL! That’s an ugly goal to concede. Starling build up a dangerous attack but Kaspian’s pass is sloppy and gets cut out by Rainwall… but the centre-half scuffs his clearance, straight to Armstrong, who sizes up his range before blasting it on goal. An ugly deflection off Schelin’s thigh takes it past a stranded Lukas Sparr, and Starling are back level. CVM 1-1 STA.
32 mins - In the second tier, Southfell are in the ascendancy over North Sabrefell, and Bohemians goalkeeper Simon Ardley (once of Parrhesia) has made some genuinely top-drawer saves to frustrate the Tanners. Chatswood aren’t giving an inch against Diamondqueen, but the hulking Samael Lawrence has done well to try and nullify Gary Corsie’s influence on proceedings.
33 mins - GOAL! Too easy by Athletic’s B-listers. Gareth Corvine shows the pace and power that’s been missing throughout Belgrave’s side this season, smashing through Dreyfuss and effortlessly outmuscling her before casually rolling a cutback to Linden Lucassen, and the Cosumarite makes no mistake from ten yards. BEL 0-2 SFA.
34 mins - Diamondqueen are promoted regardless of what happens, but it’s a valid question to ask if they’re really good enough to stay up. Dimitriades has done a fine job squeezing every ounce of quality from a fairly limited side, but reinforcement - especially at the fullback positions, but to a lesser extent the two points of the diamond midfield - will be essential.
35 mins - Southfell, the other side guaranteed to promote, have a lot more Premiership experience both as a club and in their lineup. Yet again, serious reinforcement is not optional - it has to be said that this isn’t exactly the strongest the First Division’s ever seen. Except managerially - despite her inexperience Felipa Medina’s had her finger on the pulse from the start.
36 mins - GOAL! Things look bad for Vermillion Wanderers all of a sudden. It’s a simple thing in the end, as Sepp ‘Iron Head’ Hobson does his thing, finding himself on the end of Caspar Radston’s free kick and heading it beyond Britton. The Wanderers are still staying up as things stand, though - Greygate still need to win. MTG 1-0 VRW.
37 mins - Corvette are really going all-in to get their noses back in front, and it’s hard to blame them… except that a draw is still good enough for them to stay up. But perhaps it’s understandable to assume the Passerines will score again anyway.
38 mins - GOAL! It just doesn’t feel like Levan Kyprianou’s day. As they’ve been threatening all match, the Chariots slice open Cranequin’s defence with a single sweep of the boot from Machairas, and getting on the end of that impeccable pass is… yes. Stiin Siorrha’Asione. He almost fucks it up, too - he’s like four yards out and blasts it into the roof of the net with such ferocious power that the practically vertical shot actually hits the underside of the crossbar before rebounding in. CRW 0-1 VIC.
39 mins - The Chariots are set for a lot of upheaval in the transfer window, as might be expected. The focus will be stronger on youth, so the likes of Machairas but also Edelgrau, Paterson, Robinson and St. John may well be headed for the exit door in the offseason. But what of the ancient manager Rossizzo’s plans? No official word yet. He’s out of contract, but there’s one on the table from the Chariots’ board.
40 mins - PENALTY TO SUTCROFT! Just as a reminder, the marchers are already relegated, but can derail Extreme Hills’ promotion plans with a result. Nicki Diagon expertly nutmegged Valeria, who very unSunrisely reacted by shunting her unnecessarily to the ground.
41 mins - GOAL! Bronwyn Calditch hits it low and hard into the corner, the lanky striker’s tenth of the season. Searle went the right way, but was never quite going to reach it. Hope for Chatswood, combined with the fact that Leichhardt somehow still can’t break Martella down. STC 1-0 EXH.
42 mins - Promotion would be huge for Hills, and they’ve assembled a strong side on paper. Their greatest strength is the strike partnership of huge, hulking Djite and canny poacher Vorbeck, though they’ve also coaxed excellent defensive work from Johansen (now 35 and set to retire after this season on a high) and the young winger Sigrun Barota. Highest priorities? Yet again, defensive reinforcements, and a new goalkeeper. Searle and Hewett are both pretty flaky.
43 mins - GOAL! We warned out, Corvette! We warned you! Andisori hits them on the break and chips the stranded Sparr, who looks Disappointed at the defence. CVM 1-2 STA.
44 mins - GOAL! Sabrefell Moths reserves take the lead, Pamala Croft finding space on the edge of the area and firing low and hard past Ceferin’s exposed near post. Ceferin should’ve done better. MOR 0-1 SFM.
45 mins - Cranequin are inches away from an equaliser. Strongbow earns a free kick on the edge of the area and Cavan rifles it powerfully against the crossbar. Ironically, there’s so much power in that that the rebound finds Siorrha’Asione, ready and eager to counterattack, but the Farf is practically smashed off his feet by a covering tackle from Whyteleafe. Now three out of the Wanderers’ back four are on cautions.
Injury time - GOALS! North Laithland pull one back, Kistler’s cross and a cutely dinked Keogh header over a wrongfooted Vintner. Meanwhile, the Hounds level the scores in the marches, Barota carving the vulnerable Ivan Marder open before firing low beyond Elsa Farian. BRI 2-1 NLA; STC 1-1 EXH.

Premiership Scorelines
Maximum Rovers 1-0 Crisisbless
Brinemouth 2-1 North Laithland
Belgrave 0-2 Sabrefell Athletic
Morningstar 0-1 Sabrefell Moths
Armstrong 0-1 AFC Treason
Raven River 0-0 Vermillion Rage
Cranequin Wanderers 0-1 Violence Chariots
AFC Serpentine 0-2 Coret Hawks
Corvette Maulers 1-2 Starling
Chenoworth Harriers 0-0 Brookford Otters
Bishop 0-0 Creed United
Parrhesia United 0-0 Newrook City

As things stand, Brinemouth retain fourth place, while Treason will wrest Vermillion’s Globe Cup berth from them. The Maulers will remain safe and the Rovers will leapfrog Cranequin into the playoff place.

First Division Scorelines
Leichhardt 0-0 Martella Jazz
Sutcroft 1-1 Extreme Hills
Mantlegrove 1-0 Vermillion Wanderers
Greygate 0-0 Coret Rovers
Chatswood 0-0 Diamondqueen
North Sabrefell 0-0 Southfell United

Diamondqueen are set to win the title, Southfell and Hills to be promoted with them while Chatswood will play off against Maximum Rovers. Greygate will be relegated.

Second Division Scorelines
Rochford 0-0 Crossroads Town
AFC Shale 1-0 Boleyn Town
AFC Corvistone 1-0 West Hook

As things stand, Shale are set to take the title.

46 mins - And the whistle blows yet again.
47 mins - Corvette haven’t learned - or do they just figure they’ve got nothing to lose? Either way, they’ve come out with newfound vigour for the second half and have peppered Hargrave’s goal with a couple of hopeful shots from distance.
48 mins - GOAL! It’s been coming, too. Monica Bairstow - who’s only on in the first place through Weber’s injury - plays a lively one-two with Steven Rexmont that the Otters’ defence, too focused on the prowling Ruhl, utterly fails to anticipate. Caravella rushes out desperately but Bairstow fires the ball through her legs and into the net. CHH 1-0 BRO.
49 mins - It’s been a bit sad, but Matilda Heisenberg has been a failure at Brookford. Fans hoped that they’d kick on from their remarkable successes under Gerhard Thunder, but they just… haven’t. They aren’t a UICA level club. To add insult to injury, Nikita Loeher’s made it pretty clear in the latter half of the season that she wants to finish her career in style, abroad.
50 mins - GOAL! This changes everything at the bottom of the First Division, and a massive cheer goes around Dourhead! Penclare hits a hopeful cross in, Westfield and Smough run into each other and ultimately neither of them gets ahold of the ball but it bounces well enough for Solipsis Coleman to catch it beautifully with a volley that sends it searing beyond Dan Keel! Greygate are set to stay up! GRG 1-0 COR.
51 mins - God, keeping track of all these matches is really fucking hard.
52 mins - Crisisbless United is now 5-0 up against East Laithland. Plath has a hat-trick. Harriers manager Providence Mitford looks in need of death’s sweet release.
53 mins - Rovers are in the ascendancy now, actually picking up their game and keeping the ball well while Murdoch and Luitgard look good on the wings. Marciak’s made two strong saves since the half started and the Heelers just can’t quite deal with the Rovers’ intensity. They might just pull this off and stay up.
54 mins - GOAL! Who would want to be a Wanderer? The Passerines’ season goes from bad to worse when Ruza Djuric races past Surman and then cuts the ball back to Nadine Mateus, Corvette’s captain, who leads by example and lofts the ball into the top corner. Corvette are level! CVM 2-2 STA.
55 mins - Kyprianou’s seen enough, and there’s a triple substitution for the Wanderers. The experienced Falkirk and Scuffett come on for Evans and Rayne to add more beef to the side, while Susanna Woodpress is thrown on for the shaky-looking Whyteleafe, already on a booking.
56 mins - GOAL! Brookford have been in chaos since conceding and Chenoworth are well worth this second goal. It’s pretty simple, too - they retain possession comfortably for a while and then Bekkwaters breaks free down the left, Siegrist doesn’t track his run, Mirzayev’s long ball over the top finds the leftback who crosses it in and Ruhl steals a march on Ynoa and just manages to angle his header on target, with the help of the inside of the post. CHH 2-0 BRO.
57 mins - Aidan Brosque has worked wonders with the Harriers, though the early UICA exit was very disappointing. They’re on track for fifth which would be a massive reminder of just how far they’ve come as a club. They’ve been relegated four times from the top flight, after all, behind only Iron City and Newrook City (both on five). As extra spice, their traditionally slightly more successful local rivals are in a state of disarray in the third tier, failing to achieve a promotion that was seen as a formality at the start of the season.
58 mins - PENALTY TO CRISISBLESS! Ohhh, that’s just clumsy. Poor form from Hawthorn. Leona Rafford races forward and jinks through her man and bears down on goal, and Hawthorn overcommits and ends up cleaning the 21-year old rightback out. Stonewall penalty, though of course she protests her innocence.
59 mins - GOAL! It’s saved, actually, as Cautcher places it too close to the middle and Hawthorn just about manages to claw it away… but only as far as Isaia Urso, who just coolly sticks it into the corner. MXR 1-1 CRI.
60 mins - North Laithland are actually pressing the Dockers hard here… with their second-string side. Their focus is on Cup glory, of course. They’ll be in a state of chaos next season, though - they’ll most likely lose Guiliani and Corren, might also lose the impressive Tsikitsiris, their captain Kennedy is retiring and a wide variety of admittedly mediocre players (goalscorer Damian Keogh among them) are set to be released.
61 mins - Armstrong somehow almost equalise against the Stags. Harbour takes a long ball on his chest and masterfully turns Katskalidis before sending a thunderous strike inches high. Fletcher was left flat-footed, and wastes no time shouting at his defence not to get complacent.
62 mins - GOAL! The Saints have had a master plan for dealing with being a man down - play like you still have eleven. They haven’t even made a substitution to compensate, and they’re rewarded when Berisha skins Woods and then finishes clinically past Anghelescu at a narrow angle. PAR 1-0 NRC.
63 mins - Okay, now they make substitutions, unsurprisingly. An attack-minded midfielder and leftback in Rademacher and Avery are taken off for more defensive replacements in Gestede and Altman. Spike Turnbull on the sidelines looks like the cat who’s got the cream. As one of the most recognisable and iconic figures of Nepharim football, she deserves to end on a high.
64 mins - GOAL! How vital could this be for Chatswood? And it’s such a simple thing, too - Julian Ilsander hurls in a long throw, Cohen and Sanabria clash heads in the chase of it and the ball comes loose to the poacher Joan Vickers, who calmly sticks it away. CHT 1-0 DMQ.
65 mins - The cheers from the away end in North Sabrefell carry onto the audio. Southfell United haven’t managed to break the Bohemians down yet, but they’ll still win the title if things stay as they are.
66 mins - Cranequin’s more direct approach almost pays dividends - the Chariots have been struggling to deal with the hulking Scuffett up front and the pinpoint crosses of Rowena Strongbow. After some pinballing in the Chariots’ box the ball does eventually fall to Edelgrau, clutching gratefully onto the ball on the line. And she rises to her feet, eager to kick the ball forward and… oh, dear...
67 mins - GOALS! Things go from bad to worse for the Wanderers. After a few promising attacks, they got hit by a quick counter - Edelgrau’s perfect long ball to Roisin Carroll who left the Cranequin defence in her dust before curling her strike beyond Gravesend. Meanwhile, so much for Turnbull’s dream farewell - some shaky defending allows Maladict Farrell, who has impressed in the second half of the season, to pounce and equalise. CRW 0-2 VIC; PAR 1-1 NRC.
68 mins - GOAL! The Wardens look to have done their part of the equation, too. Greygate uncharacteristically dominate play for a while before Corso Poulson slashes in a dangerous diagonal ball. Dan Keel goes for it but, well, he’s 38, and misjudges the distance, failing to get there before Pravenna international Metaxas nips in ahead of him, nutmegs him, races around him and lashes the ball into the empty net. They needed this goal, too - they were still going to be edged into relegation on goals scored! GRG 2-0 COR.
69 mins - Improbably, Leichhardt still haven’t scored against Martella Jazz. Kozak hasn’t had a save to make… but opposite number Ulf Foxhole’s only had four.
70 mins - Brinemouth are back on top against North Laithland, perhaps conscious that the Harriers are now very much breathing down their necks. They’ve looked to retain control and just choke the life out of the game for the past fifteen minutes or so, and have done so more or less perfectly. North Laithland almost look bored with proceedings, to say nothing of the fans.
71 mins - Meanwhile in the third tier, Crossroads Town are now cruising against Rochford thanks to a brace from star striker Conrad Webber. No relation to Konrad Webber, the former North Sabrefell, Marque, South Laithland, Goodfeather FC, Sabrefell Moths, Southern Star, West Brinemouth, Kensey Town, Downsparrow and Peregrine midfielder. Yeah, ‘well-travelled’. He’s managing Alliance Barossia now. Anyway, it means Crossroads will probably take the third-tier title.
72 mins - Sabrefell Athletic look, unsurprisingly, fairly disinterested against Belgrave. 2-0 up and they’re basically phoning it in, and even with that advantage the Gargoyles can’t do much more than look sad .Galloway does loft a neat ball over the top but Petersen tries to volley it with her first touch and sends her shot into near-earth orbit.
73 mins - Bad news for the Rovers, as Aziz Senturk collapses after an ankle tap from Lauro Tedesco. A caution for Tedesco… a stretcher for Senturk. Allister winces and throws on the lanky target man Rouwen Seeklander to replace him. She might not be able to replace Senturk’s technique or guile, but she can at least just go 4-4-2 and throw on a big man to hit it to.
74 mins - GOAL! Joy in Treason - and in Sabrefell - is cut short, Denisa Thirlwell taking a powerful curling free kick that hammers into the upright. Reacting fastest is Diamondqueen centre-half Damian Barrett, who practically hurls himself at the ball to head/chest/neck it over the line. Middlesbrough scrambles towards it to claw it away… but goalline technology adjudges that she’s too late, and the goal stands. CHT 1-1 DMQ.
75 mins - The Rovers’ new approach has lead to new joy… for Crisisbless, who cut through their midfield with some beautiful sweeping shots. Allister, cursing, throws on the defensive-minded Schneider for Kolitsidakis in the centre of the park, which is met with boos from the home crowd - after all, the Rovers need to win!
76 mins - Starling are on the attack again, and draw a spectacular double save from Lukas Sparr. Elsa Kaelin’s powerful diagonal strike is pawed into the ground and Hawke manages to just about glance it towards the net before Sparr throws himself upright to more or less slap the ball out of danger. Andisori picks up the rebound and sidefoots it low towards goal but covering rightback Everard Tawney slides to clear it off the line! Spectacular stuff.
77 mins - !!!east laithland scored!!!the comeback is on!!!
78 mins - Cranequin are just running out of steam, and there’s some tired legs out there. Cavan, who has played every match this season, starts to show his fatigue with a weary, lazy trip of Machairas, and the Chariots are in no particular hurry to take the free kick - and when Machairas does, she just launches it forward. Gravesend claims it.
79 mins - GOAL! Classic Morningstar. They’ve been under the cosh all game but Sleipnir Woodwind, a star of their season, just manages to get a bit of space away from her marker and then calmly fires the ball low and hard straight into the corner, Griffin can’t get near it. MOR 1-1 SFM.
80 mins - Moths fans won’t be too upset, ultimately. It’s been a great season for them… assuming, of course, they can win the Globe Cup in a week’s time.
81 mins - Crisisbless United scored again through Schoenauer and it’s 6-1. The comeback is off.
82 mins - Jevdjevic-Hadsic’s free kick almost pegs the Rovers back yet again, but Malta Hawthorn produces a flying save to deny him, two-handed parrying the ball well clear of goal. Amelia Warner beats all the exhausted Rovers to the rebound, and clips in a cross, but Hawthorn picks herself up off the ground to run into Tregajorran and have the referee call a foul for it.
83 mins - GOAL! Huh. Well against the run of play, this, but Gazzincha, who has done… nothing, for the entire match, chips Vintner from halfway. BRI 2-2 NLA.
84 mins - The news reaches Chenoworth, and a huge cheer. Harriers fans are checking their phones more than the match itself, which is understandable, as the Harriers are dominating without particularly penetrating. This will be their first taste of Champions’ Cup football, unless Brinemouth can retake the lead.
85 mins - They almost do! Karin Drinkwater, the substitute, races free on the counter and is only denied one-on-one when Steed Corren nips in and wrests the ball away from her on the very edge of the penalty area! The Spiders’ captain is almost certainly going to leave the club in the window, sure, but he’s been iconic while he’s been there.
86 mins - GOAL! That… that is cruel, for Greygate. And cruel on Mantlegrove, too, who had contained the Wanderers well. But there’s nothing they can do for the throwback Route One football, Renat Janssen just hits in a big floaty cross and Semar countryman Per Martinsson beasts Jessa Nestor to head it past Williams. A point for Vermillion is enough. MTG 1-1 VRW.
87 mins - Martella Jazz get their first shot on target of the game! Franziska Bittencourt - daughter of River manager Cheney - hits a low, skimming strike that’s ultimately pretty much straight at Kozak, who casually bends down to pick it up. The stadium erupts in sarcastic cheering. It’s been that kind of season!
88 mins - RED CARD for the CHARIOTS! Oh, Siorrha’Asione… the Premiership is fairly lax about player behaviour, sure, but even in Nephara they generally shirk from this kind of behaviour. Salone wrests the ball from him at the corner flag, Siorrha’Asione believes that he did so unfairly and expresses his disdain for the referee’s non-call by ripping off his shorts and throwing them at her face. He’s storming off even before the card comes out. Bye, Stiin. It’s been a ride.
89 mins - The Rovers are out of steam. The Wanderers are out of steam. Corvette, symbolically, are still attacking… but also pretty clearly out of steam. The season’s petring to a close, and it looks like the Rovers are going down.
90 mins - GOAL! The Moths take the lead again, deservedly. In some style, too - Lux Vicelich hits in a low, dangerous cross and Sigrid Eisenhauer scores her first league goal of the season with an impressive, swaggering backheel into the net. MOR 1-2 SFM.
Injury time - A last-ditch effort from the Rovers. Klaus Murdoch’s huge cross, punched unconvincingly away by Marciak, Luitgard finds the rebound and desperately tries to smash it goalwards but gets under it far too much and hits it almost vertically. The final whistle blows - the Rovers are relegated. Time runs out for Cranequin, too, and in Corvette the players sink, spent, to their knees. There’s almost no injury time in Chenoworth and the Harriers are in raptures. The status quo reigns in the First Division as the entire top five somehow draw, while Greygate are relegated by a hair. Ultimately, though, this season belongs to one team, and one team alone - Sabrefell Athletic.

RELEGATION/PROMOTION PLAYOFF

So the Wanderers were in something of a bind, now having to defeat a physical, bruising Chatswood side in high spirits. But what they did have, it became immediately apparent from kick-off, was Strongbow matched up against the occasionally dubious Julian Ilsander. She almost immediately springs past him and the entire Chatswood defence before pulling the ball back for Teixeira, who… makes a hash of his first touch and ends up having to pass it back to Strongbow, who smashes the ball into the net. But sadly, that’s as good as it gets for Cranequin. Chatswood bully them defensively and keep pressing high and hard, and a powerful Chaplain cross is turned by Whyteleafe into his own net. The poor lad hasn’t ended the season well. The full time whistle blows, but it’s pretty clear that the Wanderers are just… out of steam, and somewhat inevitably Gary Corsie (overheard on a stadium mic asking substitute Schuster why they were going out to play ‘a third half’...) carves a path through the Cranequin defence with a single pass, and Joan Vickers is there, sprinting through the line off Jantzer’s shoulder and then slipping the ball past Gravesend. Cranequin do manage another couple of attacks, and Middlesbrough keeps her side in it with a couple of saves… but, ultimately, there’s no escaping it. Chatswood have taken the Wanderers’ place, and deserve to have. The Wanderers are relegated for the third time in the modern era.

Cranequin Wanderers 1-1 Chatswood (1-2 AET)

CdC FINAL

The first Nepharim side to contest a CdC, Ben Randall’s Stags have made it all the way to the end. Awaiting them? Ulsa, one of the world’s strongest sides. Granted, the Stags are no pushovers, either - even if this season hasn’t gone spectacularly for them. And it’s Ben Randall’s side that gets off to the best possible start, a diagonal free kick from Vesper being powerfully headed home by (naturally) Peter Svensson hurdling over Leach, and then… that’s about it, really. Ulsa presses for an equaliser and Treason absorbs the pressure and tries to release their forwards on the break but neither side has it come off. Treason are maybe a little lucky to avoid a penalty when Vyntra brings down Szalai on the edge of the box… it’s called a free kick, instead, one that just gets floated into Gideon Fletcher’s safe hands. An anticlimax? Perhaps - but, you know, the Stags will take it. Gladly.

Ulsa 0-1 AFC Treason

NFA CUP FINAL

Unsurprisingly, the Wanderers look thoroughly miserable to be hauled out again in front of a global audience to contest the Final - apart from the more ambitious sorts, Strongbow, Teixeira and even Cup goalkeeper Luna Castelen who keeps her place today. North Laithland are safe and have had the time and space to prepare for this one, and shoot out the gates with far more energy and pace… and just lacking that final ball. That, more or less, is how the entire 120 minutes go. It’s not really worth dwelling on as a spectacle, as an end-of-season set piece, so it’s for the best that it finally comes down to penalties. Luna Castelen might have been Cranequin’s heroine in the 120 minutes, but she’s unable to save a single penalty - Cranequin’s first is dragged low and wide by Sroel Cavan, and from there it’s just a game of catchup that, like the relegation battle, they just can’t win. “Three crucial games in two weeks,” a dismal Levan Kyprianou tells the press, “and we lose all fucking three of them.” Pretty much! He’s officially fired two days later. Lara Finch in the opposite dugout almost certainly saves her job through this victory. For the embattled Spiders, though, it’s a chance to go one step further than last season, and to celebrate.

Cranequin Wanderers 0-0 North Laithland (0-0 AET, 0-0 agg, 3-5 PKs)

GLOBE CUP FINAL

The Moths against the Revolutionaries, fighting for Nepharim pride. The Revolutionaries are an interesting side in the process of phasing out a lot of aging stars, but while they’ve been reduced to hiring a Brenecian to fill in their defence, they aren’t going down easily. It’s a grinding match at first, Nepharim and Euran steel refusing to give one another an inch, van den Brink and Bonaventura dominant in the heart of the Revolutionary defence and Robert Griffin making a couple of genuinely brilliant saves along the way. But a player of Aaliyah Johnson’s quality just needs a sniff of the ball to make the difference, and in the 88th minute she gets just that, finally breaking clear of van den Brink to find the end of Meier’s cross and lash it… into the side netting. But if it’s not looking like the Moths’ day as a grinding affair extends into extra time, substitute Pamala Croft makes up for it - dancing away from Bonaventura and getting hacked clumsily down in the area by Gethin Quill, a stonewall penalty. Johnson, with pretty much her only decisive action of the game, converts it smoothly - and the Moths, after a late flurry of saves from Griffin, hold out for a glorious victory.

Sabrefell Moths 0-0 Revolutionaries (1-0 AET)

CHAMPIONS CUP FINAL

But Nephara wins the Globe Cup a lot. Not to diminish the achievement in any way, of course - but the real breakthrough for Nephara has to come in the Champions’ Cup, won once before by Starling as they burst onto the international scene as a player to be taken seriously. Nephara’s inability to dominate the tournament has lead to an accusation that the Premiership lacks genuine top-tier talent, marquee superclubs in the 1830 Cathair mould, for better or worse. Can Crisisbless succeed where so many others have failed? Can Portia Thrift’s Heelers break down the established name of Mliona-Lpaka? Can the likes of Allison Swan, Pawlo Marciak and the Gandhi twins really put down a marker on their careers, this being the moment they could truly count themselves among the world’s finest?

Nope.

Crisisbless 0-0 Mliona-Lpaka (0-1 AET)

PREMIERSHIP FINAL RESULTS
Maximum Rovers 1-1 Crisisbless
Brinemouth 2-2 North Laithland
Belgrave 0-2 Sabrefell Athletic
Morningstar 1-2 Sabrefell Moths
Armstrong 0-1 AFC Treason
Raven River 0-0 Vermillion Rage
Cranequin Wanderers 0-2 Violence Chariots
AFC Serpentine 0-2 Coret Hawks
Corvette Maulers 2-2 Starling
Chenoworth Harriers 2-0 Brookford Otters
Bishop 0-0 Creed United
Parrhesia United 1-1 Newrook City

FIRST DIVISION FINAL RESULTS
Leichhardt 0-0 Martella Jazz
Sutcroft 1-1 Extreme Hills
Mantlegrove 1-1 Vermillion Wanderers
Hackett 1-1 Ritter Town
Greygate 2-0 Coret Rovers
West Brinemouth 0-2 Iron City
Maximum City 1-0 Cypher Town
Goodfeather FC 3-2 Cranequin City
Chatswood 1-1 Diamondqueen
North Sabrefell 0-0 Southfell United
East Laithland Harriers 2-6 Crisisbless United
South Laithland 0-1 Sheridan

SECOND DIVISION FINAL RESULTS
Rhagant Schadenfreude 0-1 Crisisbless Athletic
Rushe United 1-7 South Parrhesia
Dartmouth Terriers 4-2 Brindleton
Pillars of Southfell 0-0 Iron United
The Strongest 0-0 Brookway Town
Rochford 0-2 Crossroads Town
Locksley 4-0 Stonegrave
Riverkey 1-3 Kensey Town
AFC Shale 1-0 Boleyn Town
AFC Corvistone 1-0 West Hook
Southriver 2-0 Dross Rovers
Iberia Chenoworth 1-1 Chenoworth Rovers

THIRD DIVISION FINAL RESULTS
North Dubstep 1-2 Sutcroft Athletic
Lazuli Diamonds 1-1 Ringway
Downsparrow 1-0 Gridlock East
Alliance Barossia 1-1 Fischer
Gosforth Swans 1-1 Falston Town
Mapleford 1-0 Bellamy
Strephonage 0-1 Long Lake
Ox River United 0-1 Mainstream Fist
Senway Town 1-2 Kommissar
Ballardine FC 2-3 Fenland Albion
Peregrine 2-1 Gridlock Rovers
Falston United 1-0 The Hanged Man

PREMIERSHIP

Pos Team                      P   W   D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Sabrefell Athletic       46  31   6   9  94  50  +44  99
  2 Sabrefell Moths          46  25  14   7  94  52  +42  89
  3 Crisisbless              46  25  11  10  86  43  +43  86
  4 Chenoworth Harriers      46  24  10  12  84  63  +21  82
  5 Brinemouth               46  24   9  13  80  52  +28  81
  6 Starling                 46  21  15  10  83  55  +28  78
  7 AFC Treason              46  22  11  13  83  65  +18  77
  8 Vermillion Rage          46  22  10  14  71  47  +24  76
  9 Creed United             46  20   9  17  57  48   +9  69
 10 Parrhesia United         46  18  12  16  61  58   +3  66
 11 Violence Chariots        46  17  13  16  80  79   +1  64
 12 Bishop                   46  17  13  16  53  56   -3  64
 13 Coret Hawks              46  18   8  20  68  67   +1  62
 14 AFC Serpentine           46  15  12  19  64  77  -13  57
 15 Raven River              46  15  12  19  51  66  -15  57
 16 Brookford Otters         46  15  11  20  68  73   -5  56
 17 North Laithland          46  15  11  20  52  68  -16  56
 18 Morningstar              46  15  10  21  52  63  -11  55
 19 Newrook City             46  14  11  21  55  78  -23  53
 20 Corvette Maulers         46  12  11  23  62  93  -31  47
 21 Cranequin Wanderers      46  12   7  27  59  93  -34  43
 22 Maximum Rovers           46  10  12  24  51  81  -30  42
 23 Belgrave                 46  10   8  28  38  80  -42  38
 24 Armstrong                46   7  10  29  44  83  -39  31

TOP SCORERS
26 - Fraser (TRE)
25 - Johnson (SFM)
22 - Ruhl (CHH)
21 - Hawke (STA)
20 - Wardenier (SFA), Cantor (TRE), Voeller (VIC)
19 - Loeher (BRO), Andisori (STA)
18 - Cautcher (CRI), Antunovic (VRR)
17 - Penbrooke (BIS), Rexmont (CHH), Antonio (COH)

AWARDS
Iron Boot (Goals Scored): Roddy Fraser (TRE)
Iron Ball (Player of the Year): Oscar Coltrane (SFA)
Iron Heart (U-21 Player of the Year): Estrella Hawke (STA)
Iron Fist (Debutant of the Year): Oscar Coltrane (SFA)
Team of the Year: Marciak (CRI); Morningstar (SFA), Chalobah (CRI), Svensson (TRE), Roenoujya (BRI); Bereveskos (SFA), Sarracena (SFA), Coltrane (SFA), Rexmont (CHH); Fraser (TRE), Johnson (SFM) - Bench: Clement (VRR); Haines (SFM), Loredan (CRD), Bartley (BRI), Gryphon (STA), Meier (SFM), Ruhl (CHH)
Managers of the Year: Aidan Brosque (CHH)

FIRST DIVISION

Pos Team                          P   W   D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Diamondqueen                 46  28  11   7  77  33  +44  95
  2 Southfell United             46  28  10   8  89  40  +49  94
  3 Extreme Hills                46  23  13  10  80  49  +31  82
  4 Chatswood                    46  23  13  10  55  35  +20  82
  5 Crisisbless United           46  25   5  16  92  59  +33  80
  6 Leichhardt                   46  22  13  11  50  29  +21  79
  7 Cypher Town                  46  20  13  13  59  38  +21  73
  8 North Sabrefell              46  21  10  15  74  60  +14  73
  9 Goodfeather FC               46  19  14  13  64  51  +13  71
 10 South Laithland              46  18  15  13  62  43  +19  69
 11 Iron City                    46  20   9  17  40  44   -4  69
 12 Maximum City                 46  16  12  18  47  51   -4  60
 13 Cranequin City               46  16  11  19  49  52   -3  59
 14 Ritter Town                  46  16   9  21  49  55   -6  57
 15 Sheridan                     46  14  14  18  32  45  -13  56
 16 Coret Rovers                 46  16   5  25  53  87  -34  53
 17 Hackett                      46  12  15  19  47  62  -15  51
 18 West Brinemouth              46  13  11  22  29  46  -17  50
 19 Vermillion Wanderers         46  13  11  22  46  67  -21  50
 20 East Laithland Harriers      46  14   8  24  58  87  -29  50
 21 Greygate                     46  15   4  27  38  59  -21  49
 22 Sutcroft                     46  10  15  21  42  70  -28  45
 23 Mantlegrove                  46  10  13  23  44  68  -24  43
 24 Martella Jazz                46   8  10  28  45  91  -46  34

[box]AWARDS
Iron Boot (Goals Scored): Dexter Vorbeck (EXH)
Iron Ball (Player of the Year): Regatta Aspenwood (SFU)
Iron Heart (U-21 Player of the Year): Franz Kesteren (DMQ)
Iron Fist (Debutant of the Year): Michael Koller (LEI)
Team of the Year: Cooper (SFU); Southers (CRU), Dalmshelf (CYT), Koller (LEI), Chaplain (CHT); Thackeray (DMQ), Corsie (CHT), Fowler (LEI), Aspenwood (SFU); Vorbeck (EXH), Aubeck (NSF)
Managers of the Year: Hydrangea Dimitriades (DMQ)

SECOND DIVISION

Pos Team                        P   W   D   L For   Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Crossroads Town            46  24  15   7  67   40  +27  87
  2 AFC Shale                  46  24  13   9  50   26  +24  85
  3 AFC Corvistone             46  22  18   6  72   37  +35  84
  4 Rochford                   46  22  14  10  75   44  +31  80
  5 Chenoworth Rovers          46  21  15  10  47   27  +20  78
  6 Riverkey                   46  22  11  13  65   54  +11  77
  7 South Parrhesia            46  22   9  15  79   60  +19  75
  8 Iron United                46  22   7  17  57   41  +16  73
  9 Stonegrave                 46  20  11  15  53   45   +8  71
 10 Pillars of Southfell       46  18  16  12  62   45  +17  70
 11 Locksley                   46  19  12  15  64   58   +6  69
 12 Crisisbless Athletic       46  16  17  13  72   63   +9  65
 13 The Strongest              46  17  11  18  69   71   -2  62
 14 Brindleton                 46  15  12  19  56   56   +0  57
 15 Southriver                 46  14  14  18  52   62  -10  56
 16 Kensey Town                46  15  10  21  56   65   -9  55
 17 West Hook                  46  14  11  21  41   43   -2  53
 18 Boleyn Town                46  12  16  18  34   49  -15  52
 19 Dartmouth Terriers         46  12  15  19  53   59   -6  51
 20 Rhagant Schadenfreude      46  11  15  20  27   47  -20  48
 21 Dross Rovers               46  12  10  24  45   66  -21  46
 22 Brookway Town              46   8  17  21  54   90  -36  41
 23 Iberia Chenoworth          46   7  13  26  52  105  -53  34
 24 Rushe United               46   9   6  31  57  106  -49  33

THIRD DIVISION

Pos Team                    P   W   D   L  For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Kommissar              46  29   8   9   85  43  +42  95
  2 Peregrine              46  29   7  10  108  56  +52  94
  3 The Hanged Man         46  28  10   8   52  24  +28  94
  4 Strephonage            46  28   8  10   72  36  +36  92
  5 North Dubstep          46  22  11  13   65  47  +18  77
  6 Gridlock Rovers        46  21  11  14   69  46  +23  74
  7 Falston United         46  19  15  12   55  46   +9  72
  8 Falston Town           46  20  11  15   72  52  +20  71
  9 Lazuli Diamonds        46  18  14  14   64  55   +9  68
 10 Sutcroft Athletic      46  19  11  16   60  54   +6  68
 11 Fenland Albion         46  17  15  14   44  40   +4  66
 12 Ox River United        46  18  11  17   53  55   -2  65
 13 Mapleford              46  16  16  14   49  65  -16  64
 14 Long Lake              46  17  12  17   55  45  +10  63
 15 Gosforth Swans         46  16  11  19   60  62   -2  59
 16 Ringway                46  13  19  14   51  52   -1  58
 17 Fischer                46  12  16  18   43  67  -24  52
 18 Alliance Barossia      46  12  12  22   39  49  -10  48
 19 Downsparrow            46  13   9  24   61  87  -26  48
 20 Ballardine FC          46  12  11  23   55  74  -19  47
 21 Bellamy                46   9  14  23   39  68  -29  41
 22 Gridlock East          46   9  13  24   39  68  -29  40
 23 Mainstream Fist        46   8  11  27   49  95  -46  35
 24 Senway Town            46   4  10  32   38  91  -53  22

CONFERENCE WEST

Pos Team                        P   W   D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Gonen's Bridge             38  22   8   8  53  25  +28  74
  2 FC Seierstad               38  20   9   9  69  41  +28  69
  3 Boltcroft Thorns           38  20   9   9  62  38  +24  69
  4 Corinthians No Longer      38  20   7  11  60  47  +13  67
  5 Fully Sick XI              38  18  11   9  57  40  +17  65
  6 Grovebank                  38  18   7  13  48  40   +8  61
  7 Sirencall FC               38  16  11  11  58  49   +9  59
  8 Harrington                 38  15  13  10  53  36  +17  58
  9 Sleetwell Rangers          38  16  10  12  55  52   +3  58
 10 Gridlock                   38  14  14  10  34  34   +0  56
 11 Swag Hill Rovers           38  12   9  17  53  66  -13  45
 12 Norton Road                38  11  11  16  39  44   -5  44
 13 Courser                    38  10  14  14  42  48   -6  44
 14 Tryst Athletic             38  12   7  19  40  63  -23  43
 15 Nay Town                   38  11   8  19  39  53  -14  41
 16 Stonesthrow Town           38   8  16  14  30  39   -9  40
 17 Capricopia Rangers         38   9  13  16  50  66  -16  40
 18 Forge Carpenters           38   9  11  18  19  38  -19  38
 19 Ramsay                     38   8  11  19  42  49   -7  35
 20 Gartside FC                38   7   9  22  30  65  -35  30
Promoted: AFC Brackwold, Brokenarch

CONFERENCE EAST

Pos Team                    P   W   D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Bodkin Road            38  23   9   6  66  31  +35  78
  2 Dubstep Rangers        38  22   9   7  49  36  +13  75
  3 Rochford Pilgrims      38  22   7   9  73  34  +39  73
  4 South Brill            38  21   7  10  57  34  +23  70
  5 Stamper Road           38  19  12   7  66  39  +27  69
  6 Hartford Glade         38  17  10  11  75  52  +23  61
  7 Lackerrun              38  18   6  14  65  59   +6  60
  8 Blaze                  38  17   8  13  53  47   +6  59
  9 Brunyard FC            38  15  10  13  67  56  +11  55
 10 Rookwall               38  14  12  12  48  40   +8  54
 11 Violence Tigers        38  15   5  18  51  51   +0  50
 12 Masculine Town         38  12  10  16  45  57  -12  46
 13 Twelvetrees            38  12   9  17  34  44  -10  45
 14 Corby Hubris           38  12   8  18  56  64   -8  44
 15 Celebryant FC          38  11   8  19  40  63  -23  41
 16 The Travellers FC      38  10  10  18  51  66  -15  40
 17 Sandrock               38   9  11  18  27  44  -17  38
 18 Coral Bay              38   8  10  20  36  63  -27  34
 19 West End               38   6  11  21  33  67  -34  29
 20 Markoni                38   6  10  22  38  83  -45  28
Promoted: Aries Solitaire, Corvistone City

by **Nephara** » Sun Oct 01, 2017 1:51 am

Season 68 Preview

PREMIERSHIP STANDINGS

Pos Team                      P   W   D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Sabrefell Athletic       46  31   6   9  94  50  +44  99
  2 Sabrefell Moths          46  25  14   7  94  52  +42  89
  3 Crisisbless              46  25  11  10  86  43  +43  86
  4 Chenoworth Harriers      46  24  10  12  84  63  +21  82
  5 Brinemouth               46  24   9  13  80  52  +28  81
  6 Starling                 46  21  15  10  83  55  +28  78
  7 AFC Treason              46  22  11  13  83  65  +18  77
  8 Vermillion Rage          46  22  10  14  71  47  +24  76
  9 Creed United             46  20   9  17  57  48   +9  69
 10 Parrhesia United         46  18  12  16  61  58   +3  66
 11 Violence Chariots        46  17  13  16  80  79   +1  64
 12 Bishop                   46  17  13  16  53  56   -3  64
 13 Coret Hawks              46  18   8  20  68  67   +1  62
 14 AFC Serpentine           46  15  12  19  64  77  -13  57
 15 Raven River              46  15  12  19  51  66  -15  57
 16 Brookford Otters         46  15  11  20  68  73   -5  56
 17 North Laithland          46  15  11  20  52  68  -16  56
 18 Morningstar              46  15  10  21  52  63  -11  55
 19 Newrook City             46  14  11  21  55  78  -23  53
 20 Corvette Maulers         46  12  11  23  62  93  -31  47
 21 Cranequin Wanderers      46  12   7  27  59  93  -34  43
 22 Maximum Rovers           46  10  12  24  51  81  -30  42
 23 Belgrave                 46  10   8  28  38  80  -42  38
 24 Armstrong                46   7  10  29  44  83  -39  31

TOP SCORERS
26 - Fraser (TRE)
25 - Johnson (SFM)
22 - Ruhl (CHH)
21 - Hawke (STA)
20 - Wardenier (SFA), Cantor (TRE), Voeller (VIC)
19 - Loeher (BRO), Andisori (STA)
18 - Cautcher (CRI), Antunovic (VRR)
17 - Penbrooke (BIS), Rexmont (CHH), Antonio (COH)

AWARDS
Iron Boot (Goals Scored): Roddy Fraser (TRE)
Iron Ball (Player of the Year): Oscar Coltrane (SFA)
Iron Heart (U-21 Player of the Year): Estrella Hawke (STA)
Iron Fist (Debutant of the Year): Oscar Coltrane (SFA)
Team of the Year: Marciak (CRI); Morningstar (SFA), Chalobah (CRI), Svensson (TRE), Roenoujya (BRI); Bereveskos (SFA), Sarracena (SFA), Coltrane (SFA), Rexmont (CHH); Fraser (TRE), Johnson (SFM) - Bench: Clement (VRR); Haines (SFM), Loredan (CRD), Bartley (BRI), Gryphon (STA), Meier (SFM), Ruhl (CHH)
Managers of the Year: Aidan Brosque (CHH)

FIRST DIVISION STANDINGS

Pos Team                          P   W   D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Diamondqueen                 46  28  11   7  77  33  +44  95
  2 Southfell United             46  28  10   8  89  40  +49  94
  3 Extreme Hills                46  23  13  10  80  49  +31  82
  4 Chatswood                    46  23  13  10  55  35  +20  82
  5 Crisisbless United           46  25   5  16  92  59  +33  80
  6 Leichhardt                   46  22  13  11  50  29  +21  79
  7 Cypher Town                  46  20  13  13  59  38  +21  73
  8 North Sabrefell              46  21  10  15  74  60  +14  73
  9 Goodfeather FC               46  19  14  13  64  51  +13  71
 10 South Laithland              46  18  15  13  62  43  +19  69
 11 Iron City                    46  20   9  17  40  44   -4  69
 12 Maximum City                 46  16  12  18  47  51   -4  60
 13 Cranequin City               46  16  11  19  49  52   -3  59
 14 Ritter Town                  46  16   9  21  49  55   -6  57
 15 Sheridan                     46  14  14  18  32  45  -13  56
 16 Coret Rovers                 46  16   5  25  53  87  -34  53
 17 Hackett                      46  12  15  19  47  62  -15  51
 18 West Brinemouth              46  13  11  22  29  46  -17  50
 19 Vermillion Wanderers         46  13  11  22  46  67  -21  50
 20 East Laithland Harriers      46  14   8  24  58  87  -29  50
 21 Greygate                     46  15   4  27  38  59  -21  49
 22 Sutcroft                     46  10  15  21  42  70  -28  45
 23 Mantlegrove                  46  10  13  23  44  68  -24  43
 24 Martella Jazz                46   8  10  28  45  91  -46  34

AWARDS
Iron Boot (Goals Scored): Dexter Vorbeck (EXH)
Iron Ball (Player of the Year): Regatta Aspenwood (SFU)
Iron Heart (U-21 Player of the Year): Franz Kesteren (DMQ)
Iron Fist (Debutant of the Year): Michael Koller (LEI)
Team of the Year: Cooper (SFU); Southers (CRU), Dalmshelf (CYT), Koller (LEI), Chaplain (CHT); Thackeray (DMQ), Corsie (CHT), Fowler (LEI), Aspenwood (SFU); Vorbeck (EXH), Aubeck (NSF)
Managers of the Year: Hydrangea Dimitriades (DMQ)

by **Nephara** » Sun Oct 01, 2017 1:55 am

by **Nephara** » Sun Oct 01, 2017 1:57 am

by **Nephara** » Sun Oct 01, 2017 2:02 am

First Division Preview

1. Maximum Rovers
Home Colours: Orange and black hoops / black / orange
Away Colours: All white with orange trim
Stadium: Griffindon (36,000)
Nickname: the Rovers
Manager: Paige Hildebrand (52)
(4-4-2) 1 - Nicholas Lindberg (31, SLL); 23 - Willow Latchford (29), 2 - Conan Lineker (29), 6 - Catheline Jurist (29), 3 - Dorian Halfpike (30); 7 - Julia Thane (24), 21 - Kurtis Woodbine (30), 13 - Spyridon Kolitsidakis (27), 11 - Drusilla Moxey (21); 14 - Konstanze Luitgard (24), 9 - Rouwen Seeklander (29)
Notable Substitutes: 20 - GK - Bryce Henderson (22); 4 - CM - Alex Chapin (33, c), 5 - CB - Axiom Gaitatzis (20), 8 - CM - Adele Rosborough (20), 15 - CM - Jasmine Colindon (22), 17 - RB - Colin Chaulker (27), 19 - CB - Amber Steelshrift (23), 22 - ST - Allen Slayback (22), 24 - LB - Bella Scarratt (21)

Background: Historically very much Maximum's second team, the Rovers went from being a second-tier fixture to a Premiership fixture just in time for Nephara to enter UICA. Apart from a couple of scrapes with the sharp end of the league, however, the Rovers traditionally scraped lower-midtable finishes year after year, seemingly immune to stability. Fans are hoping to go straight back up.

Summary: The Rovers' eventual relegation had a touch of inevitability to it. They were just pretty crap, a side without an X-factor, and despite being likable enough off the pitch they won't really be missed on it. Still, that mediocre solidity at Premiership level turns them into world-beaters at First Division level, and Paige Hildebrand's a seasoned hand at the tiller. A strong, settled and athletic defence in front of a good shot-stopper sets them in good stead at the back, with Kurtis Woodbine the second tier's most accomplished midfield destroyer. Local lad Kolitsidakis alongside him is a diligent, hard-battling box-to-box midfielder that should really make a dent in the league. Both wingers are new - Thane brought in from Belgrave, Moxey promoted from the youth ranks at short notice - and might prove the relative weak point of the squad. Still, a classic strike partnership up front sets them in good stead; Seeklander is big and strong, Luitgard is fast and has an eye for goal. It's simple. It's put together well. It should be good enough to secure promotion with relative ease.

2. Leichhardt
Home Colours: Yellow / blue / yellow
Away Colours: All navy, yellow trim
Stadium: Capricorn Plaza (23,500)
Nickname: the Canaries
Manager: Andrea Vardalos (45)
(4-1-4-1) 20 - Shukhrat Kozak (30, ISK); 2 - Catheline Pitspurr (29), 22 - Michael Koller (23, SCT), 6 - Chiron Amarantidis (31, c), 19 - Undine Heisserer (21); 4 - Alyssa Cardluck (30); 15 - Annegret Bellinghausen (23), 23 - Berit Lienen (22), 8 - Miralem Fowler (29), 13 - Felix Reiter (27); 9 - Luna Nsereko (25)
Notable Substitutes: 1 - GK - Elaine Koeller (36), 3 - LB - Malachi Hawkshaw (33), 12 - DM - June Hartley (21), 14 - CM - Olivia Sigournay (23), 17 - RB - Dante Carvalho (22, USI), 21 - ST - Olenna Jaspenner (33)

Background: A small city and the largest settlement in the Northern Vale, Leichhardt has traditionally flitted between Premiership relegation battles and the top half of the First Division, usually playing defensive football in the process. Its primary rivals are Corvette, the second-largest Vale settlement, but they've both been overshadowed by nearby Starling of late.

Summary: Last season wasn't good enough - Leichhardt's sights were set on promotion, and though they came close, 'close' means precisely fuck-all. What they did have was the league's best defence, one they've added to in the form of Catheline Pitspurr, with hulking goalkeeper Kozak rarely challenged between the posts thanks to the rock-solid reliability of Amarantidis and especially Michael Koller. Cardluck proved an excellent defensive shield on top of that, Fowler a diligent box-to-box runner. The problem came in front of goal. Project +90 graduate Bellinghausen had a disappointing season, all blazing pace without end product. Reiter was a bit more dangerous, at least, but Luna Nsereko's finishing was too often wayward, and 20th-placed East Laithland comfortably outscored them in the end. But the three were young, and Vardalos will hope that another season under their belts will make them a tougher prospect. If they can just get the ball in the net every once in a while, the defence will drag them kicking and screaming back to the Premiership.

3. Cranequin Wanderers
Home Colours: Green / white / red
Away Colours: Dark red / dark red / white
Stadium: Ebony Lane (48,000)
Nickname: the Wanderers
Manager: Voula Logothettis (45)
(4-4-2) 1 - Darren Gravesend (33); 2 - Bernadette Pietersen (24), 5 - Matthias Whyteleafe (24), 6 - Ciprian Jantzer (28), 18 - Markus Salone (26); 7 - Abigail Mueller (30), 11 - Paul Bismarck (31, c), 4 - Sroel Cavan (30, ZEN), 23 - Matt Payne (27); 9 - Dakota Blaylock (20, COS), 14 - Juergen Evans (27)
Notable Substitutes: 12 - GK - Cedric Pardons (21); 3 - LB - Franziska Jaspen (21), 8 - CM - Lance Diebeck (23), 13 - RM - Sunshine Rayne (22, USI), 15 - CM - Emerance Sanborn (21), 19 - CB - Richter Clavane (20), 22 - CB - Susanna Woodpress (21)

Background: Cranequin is Nephara's smallest state capital, with a generally cultural focus and bohemian reputation. It was a one-club city - that club being the Wanderers - for a while, but Cranequin City's prominence of late has created a rivalry. Usually found in the bottom half of the Premiership, the Wanderers have suffered three relegations to the second tier in the modern era but they tend to bounce back quickly. Their primary tactical legacy has been pioneering controversial patient possession football in Nephara, to some success - after manager Larissa Garrotte left to Brinemouth, however, they reverted to a more traditional style.

Summary: The Wanderers endured a torrid slide from the Premiership last season, undercut by Levan Kyprianou's apparent inability to organise a defence as ninety-three goals flew past Gravesend, plus two more from Chatswood, but as usual they look good to get back in short order. They have, of course, had some massive losses along the way - most obviously Rowena Strongbow, their best player and a legitimate world-class talent, on her way to Farfadillis, while Pradera FC picked up top scorer Gareth Teixeira for a tidy sum - but Voula Logothettis, elevated from the reserves, has opted to go with stability. She'd probably have opted to go with a shiny new centre-back, but there weren't any, anywhere in the multiverse, this transfer window. Anyway, there's more than enough quality in the squad - Gravesend proved himself a capable shot-stopper, if a little archaic, while Jantzer is a dominant defender at this level, Bismarck and Cavan form a midfield that should have the technical quality to win any First Division midfield battle fought along those lines while Cosumarite forward Dakota Blaylock could enjoy a breakout year given licence to prowl up front. The massive influx of cash from departures has mostly gone into covering the club's debts, with some spared to pick up Abigail Mueller on a free transfer - the former Sabrefell Athletic winger and U21 international should rip this tier to shreds, and prove a massive asset to the Wanderers.

4. AFC Corvistone
Home Colours: Green / white / green
Away Colours: Terracotta / terracotta / white
Stadium: Phoenix Rise (28,000)
Nickname: The Crows
Manager: Davalei Evatee (52, CEN)
(4-3-3) 12 - Maria Kovacic (24, SLL); 2 - Katenza Muhren (22), 5 - Lauren Sutton (34), 19 - Parvizdzhon Borrowfield (26, ISK), 3 - Daniyal Helland (23, EFL); 21 - Rain Delacruz (20, BJK), 13 - Nechtan Malley (27, BSE, c), 11 - Krista Morham (21, SCT); 15 - Cahir Treal (28, BSE), 17 - Robby Stanford (26, ESH), 10 - Jack Brier (29, SCT)
Notable Substitutes: 1 - GK - Soren Johan (23, SEM); 6 - CB - Jill Austen (35), 8 - CM - Caspar Roe (33), 9 - ST - Augustine Bardsley (36)

Background: The most controversial and, yes, hated club in Nephara. Corvistone is the new planned capital of Nephara, projected to step into that role in a couple of years, and AFC Corvistone was made explicitly to be a club worthy of the capital. But the capital isn't fully formed and the club, which struggles to even half-fill its fantastic stadium, faces constant pressure for buying success and in all fairness it has never shied away from that, splurging money freely to drag themselves to the top flight. Their fans relish the hate, though, and the club makes the most of its siege mentality.

Summary: Corvistone are, though people are reluctant to admit it, a genuine threat this year, and they've made a direct statement of intent. Technically, they've made several, but the real staggering one is their capture of Robby Stanford, at 5.5 million pounds by far the most expensive signing in First Division history. Davalei Evatee, who had a transformative effect on Corvistone last season, has gone for young players who have Premiership potential. Eshani international Stanford guarantees goals (and is by far the bookies' favourite to win the second-tier Iron Boot), attacking fullback Helland aims to put his career back on track after a couple of years in the wilderness, ambitious acrobatic stopper Maria Kovacic, amateur fighter Delacruz, clever fullback Muhren... but of course, the players who got the side to promotion haven't been entirely swept away, either. Krista Morham was their best player last season and will be key to their successes this time around, while players such as Roe, Austen and Sutton provide a Premiership-seasoned core. After this investment, Evatee won't just have to win to keep the board onside - he'll have to win with panache, week after week. Unfortunately in the eyes of many, he looks set to do just that.

5. North Sabrefell
Home Colours: White / black / white
Away Colours: Blue / white / blue
Stadium: Frangipani Court (16,000)
Nickname: the Bohemians
Manager: Mark Grayson (44)
(4-4-2) 1 - Raihane Stern (23); 2 - Meg Owley (24), 5 - Marko Gillard (35), 18 - Jesper Thorn (24), 22 - Diane Hateley (20); 15 - Minka Kranevitter (20), 14 - Cosette Espeleta (23), 8 - Ashleigh Aveline (31), 16 - Catherine Walker (30, APX); 9 - Milan Aubeck (29, c), 10 - Connor Scuffett (31)
Notable Substitutes: 30 - GK - Sam Kerr (18, TLI); 4 - CM - Gareth Anwhistle (27), 6 - CB - Garnet Tamerlane (24), 11 - ST - Alexander Roche (24, MRT), 13 - LM - Cathy Alweather (24)

Background: North Sabrefell haven't really made an impact on Nephara, traditionally speaking, but they've risen respectably of late. It's regarded, sometimes derided, as something of a bohemian wasteland full of drug-addled students, and they've embraced the nickname accordingly. They've recently had a cash injection from Brenecian mining tycoon Bruce Harker, but strict Nepharim ownership rules prevent him from taking a majority share - even so, expect him to influence the side forwards. They're rivals with nearby, more affluent Belgrave.

Summary: An improvement for the Bohemians, but not enough to satisfy Mark Grayson. An overhaul has happened as a result, with a few targeted signings - a few players may have overachieved last season and Grayson is not taking the chance of them flaming out, not with promotion a realistic objective. He happily banked a fat fee for young gun Josie Webster, kept ahold of his other key players and reinforced them with proven talent. Aveline, Walker and Scuffett might not be the sexiest names but they do have top-flight experience. It remains a young side at its core, though, and they will benefit from a year of First Division football under their belts. The Bohemians remain a tough, hard-as-nails side to break down, relying on pace on the wings to cut into sides. The hulking Scuffett will make an excellent target man in particular for Milan Aubeck, a career journeyman of the second and third tiers who suddenly tore into life in the past couple of seasons. The biggest upgrade might actually be in goal, with the aquiline Raihane Stern a revelation on loan in the third tier last season. She, like the rest of the squad, may well aspire to spend next season in the first.

6. Goodfeather FC
Home Colours: Green / white / green
Away Colours: White / green / white
Stadium: Steelchurch (32,500)
Nickname: the Quakers
Manager: Ezra Stonewaters (51)
(4-3-1-2) 1 - Raven Forster (26); 13 - Sylvia Aviston (21), 18 - Artur Bierofka (23), 6 - Adrian Carradine (30), 3 - Heather Garrard (28); 4 - Marisa Leitner (24), 16 - Elsa Dietrich (31, c), 8 - Elaine Brighton (29); 11 - Ulrica Rannon (21); 9 - Lexi Farrakhan (23), 10 - Amelia Rusmond (27)
Notable Substitutes: 20 - GK - Anya Beraht (21); 2 - RB - Adrian Crowe (34), 15 - DM - Soren Faerstein (20), 19 - CM - Diana Lochteth (20), 21 - ST - Johan Macruse (21)

Background: The Quakers, so named for representing the relative Protestant hotbed of Nephara, are noted for a gorgeous kit and a traditional emphasis on technical play. Comfortably situated in eastern Crisisbless, they've traditionally floated freely between the top two tiers, enjoying high highs and suffering some low lows along the way. They're well-renowned for a faith in youth, especially from their own academy.

Summary: Goodfeather span their wheels last season and Seward paid for it with his job. A new manager in Ezra Stonewaters has been snapped up from third-tier Riverkey to address the terminal lack of dynamism endemic at the club, and he's brought 21-year old playmaker Ulrica Rannon with him to help. It's telling that despite the perception of a high-quality squad there's few Quaker players attracting serious attention from Premiership sides. The squad is technically proficient but slow and physically weak, unusual for being mostly Nepharim despite that, with the erratic but thrilling Farrakhan behind most of their good times last season. They look solid enough at the back, at least, and Raven Forster's a very good, agile goalkeeper at this level. Anything above and beyond that will have to be instilled by Stonewaters personally - you can't, it turns out, just pass your way to promotion.

7. Crisisbless United
Home Colours: Black-chequered red / black / red
Away Colours: Red-chequered white / red / white
Stadium: The Chessboard (38,000)
Nickname: the Chequers, the Chessmen
Manager: Fay Harville (47)
(4-3-3) 1 - Andreas Sparwasser (26, BRE); 2 - Asmir Casserley (23), 21 - Cassidy Hasek (24), 5 - Astrid Curran (33, c), 3 - Ixion Stamatellis (23); 11 - Hippolyta Theophile (22), 6 - Uther Neubaum (32), 15 - Sheila Maher (27); 22 - Fabula Plath (25), 9 - Kaija Koppel (28, SCT), 10 - Markos Schoenauer (23)
Notable Substitutes: 20 - GK - Carla Briarman (22); 4 - CB/DM - Destiny Merlot (34), 7 - RW - Paula Morgan (33), 8 - CM - Nikolas Cadogan (31), 13 - ST - Trinity Plantagenet (24)

Background: One of Crisisbless' secondary sides, United's deliberate study of contrasts of kit compared to the Heelers' has lead to plenty of jibes. But few people were laughing at United at their most recent return to the top flight, in which they won a lot of friends with forthright attacking football and survived for many years against the odds. Still, recent results seem to suggest that they've slipped to midtable in the First Division for the forseeable future, but fans are optimistic of a glorious, cantering return sooner rather than later.

Summary: A great season last time around did not come without cost, as the Chessmen recuperate from the loss of inspirational manager Maria Kartakoullis (now with North Laithland) and both their excellent young fullbacks. Not to worry - they've snapped up Fay Harville, the youngish manager behind South Parrhesia's recent success in the third tier along the same high-intensity, high-pressing lines. The immediate concern? A less profligate striker, and Kaija Koppel, brought in from SPL fixtures Kings Park, is believed to have the goods. Plath and Schoenauer on either side of her are goal threats themselves, of course... so is young Hippolyta Theophile, a hard-running midfielder, and Maher, the deeper-lying playmaker and set piece specialist. There's goals from all over the park here, and a strong young defensive unit - it's some kind of miracle that Cassidy Hasek's remained. If the new fullbacks, both locals, both crucial to providing attacking width, can make the step up quickly? There's no reason United can't challenge for a promotion berth.

8. South Laithland
Home Colours: All purple with white trim
Away Colours: White / purple / white
Stadium: Covenground (27,000)
Nickname: the Southrons
Manager: Lyn Hartmann (57)
(4-4-2) 1 - Bella Yossarian (33); 23 - Henrik Raubell (23), 2 - Sophia Milner (33), 6 - Darren Ferror (22), 22 - Alexandra Stack (30); 7 - Russ Cohurst (26), 4 - Gratia Barker (33, c), 8 - Anise Riske (22), 11 - Sebastyen Barthez (30); 9 - Tanith Stark (32), 10 - Dietrich Sorrenson (28)
Notable Substitutes: 12 - GK - Alastair Cavan (21); 3 - LB - Johan Haukmann (33), 13 - LM - Georgia Malinder (23), 21 - ST - Alanna Halmark (23), 24 - CM - Andre Havranek (22, IRN)

Background: Based, as the name suggests, in the southern Laith, South Laithland (based in the town of Dross, which is basically just the football stadium) have traditionally hovered between the bottom half of the Premiership and the top half of the First Division throughout the modern era, and really throughout their entire history. A reasonably successful and stable side, they've rarely scintillated but can be proud of a productive academy. They're friendly rivals with North Laithland, have a derby day against Cypher but expose their fiercest venom for Treason, who have a way of poaching their best players (Allbeck, Flaccus, Connacht, Morgan Ashdown...)

Summary: After a fairly dull season last time around in which the Southrons didn't do much of anything, they've celebrated their safety by selling their best striker, Tarquin Ulster. A youngish side should otherwise improve with another season under its belt, while the veterans all look prepared for another season at this level. As before, the Southrons will play solid, stolid football, nothing thrilling, very workmanlike. Yossarian is an excellent goalkeeper at this level, Milner a tower of strength. Gratia Barker is a pure destroyer with an eye for anticipation and her tackling only gets more venomous as time goes on - hopefully young blood Anise Riske will add some dynamism going forward. Cohurst is an orthodox winger, Barthez a far trickier presence, while up front, Dietrich Sorrenson will need to step up and start thrashing home the goals. You won't get excitement from the Southrons, but you might just get enough baseline competence for promotion.

9. Cypher Town
Home Colours: All blue, red trim
Away Colours: All red, white trim
Stadium: Velvet Meadow (28,000)
Nickname: the Eagles
Manager: Rivka Keaton (40)
(3-5-2) 1 - Jakob Carter (24); 19 - Ashton Dalmshelf (33, COS, c), 4 - Andros Hertzka (23), 5 - Constantine Beckett (33); 2 - Sander Mears (25, SEM), 10 - Koen Hochmeister (29), 13 - Elaine Brackwater (30), 11 - Vuesala Frey (24, ISK), 18 - Angela Koufos (29); 15 - Chufti Waters (26), 9 - Borbas Tihamer (25, PAS)
Notable Substitutes: 20 - GK - Gretel Coniston (24); 6 - CB - Barry Farrell (34), 14 - CM - Daniel Archer (33)

Background: A large town situated on the Western Marches - the traditional border between Laithland and civilisation - Cypher hosts a fairly prominent side that has traditionally flitted between the top two tiers. Cypher is mostly noted for having attracted the unrequited rivalry of a staggering number of clubs - fellow Marcher side Serpentine has the geography to think about, its fairly extravagant livery has earned it the hilarious ire of pretty much all the true Laith clubs, while Parrhesia United (northern Vermillion and much of the northern region in general) also clashes shoulders with it.

Summary: Interesting times down at Velvet Meadow. With short-termism the keyword of the day, a wide variety of veterans have pitched up tents in the Marches, and yet they are lead by Rivka Keaton, Miriam Aragon's former assistant and, rare for a Nepharim manager, having never played professionally. She's keeping ahold of the controversial back three, and has weathered the departure of youth international Katerina Tarrasch, bringing in Premiership veteran Constantine Beckett and new arrival from the third tier Andros Hertzka to join the excellent Dalmshelf. More top-flight experience in Brackwater anchors the midfield, with seasoned playmaker Hochmeister also joining the fun, while Sander Mears will hope to continue excelling at right wingback. Angela Koufos, though she has the defensive nous, could use further improvement. Up front, Borbas Tihamer gets the goals - so many of them it even put him in line for a Pasarga cap. Expect him to be the main focus going forward, and all the more remarkable for being one of the younger players in the squad. The only real question mark is Jakob Carter between the posts, the young goalkeeper taking over for the retired Havard Morgan but never having particularly convinced in previous appearances. All in all, though, Cypher should do well for themselves. Promotion remains out of foreseeable reach.

10. Armstrong
Home Colours: All navy with cyan/white trim
Away Colours: Yellow / navy / yellow
Stadium: Swolefens (25,000)
Nickname: the Paladins
Manager: Brun Kissinger (45)
(4-1-4-1) 1 - Mako Holstad (34, SEM); 2 - Garrett Leonard (28), 4 - Sauro Costabile (31, COS), 5 - Deon Martyn (27), 3 - Malta Rankin (24); 21 - Catrine Kisel (28, c); 22 - Majdiyya Cavazos (26, EFL), 10 - Irene Marlborough (31), 6 - Damocles Kouroglou (25), 13 - Adnan Nikolajsen (28); 9 - Atherton Telfair (33, COS)
Notable Substitutes: 20 - GK - Yann Cawood (20); 7 - RM - Chris Whitehawk (32), 8 - CM - Leo Rosenstiel (20), 11 - LM - Josie Woodard (29), 12 - CB - Casim Maxwell (35, OSR), 16 - DM - Ivan Collinger (27), 19 - CB - Gary Boatman (23), 23 - ST - Jonas Busch (22), 24 - RB - Constantine Strutton (23), 25 - CM - Callum Chandler (23)

Background: A small club from Maximum, nominally. In practice Armstrong are, at least on the pitch, a match for them. Armstrong represent the industrial city's north, the poorest part of the city, and have a proud community tradition of trying to uplift the area through hard work and charity. They traditionally play a bruising, direct style, and like nothing more than making fancy tippy-tappy teams wither and die on their swamp of a pitch. Their stadium, Swolefens, was given the nickname at first by detractors of its muscular football and swampy surface, but has been adopted wholesale since in good Nepharim tradition.

Summary: Armstrong just weren't good enough to stay up last season, and have lost the manager in Leigh Fletcher capable of uplifting them. No matter - without the weight of expectations, the fans enjoyed another moment in the sun. Their main issue, however, has been the loss not only of Fletcher (replaced by assistant Brun Kissinger) but of star striker Damian Harbour and captain Jess Hearn. They've hired some seasoned players - Irene Marlborough, once of Project +90, more recently Versiaville, and Premiership journeyman striker Atherton Telfair reinforce their stocks, while Cavazos is a tidy little orthodox winger - but they have more the look of stabilising influences rather than short-term signings that can genuinely tear up the division immediately. Promotion is unlikely, but they have a solid base and can boast genuine Premiership-quality talent in incisive winger Nikolajsen and a hardened local enforcer in Kisel. Stranger things have happened.

11. Maximum City
Home Colours: White / black / red
Away Colours: Red / black / white
Stadium: Ludd's Hammer (59,000)
Nickname: the Smiths
Manager: Almuth Coppell (57)
(4-4-2) 1 - Loris Aldous (23); 2 - Harald Sable (32), 17 - Basmath Clinton (24), 19 - Meredith Napthine (25), 6 - Kostas Demetriou (31); 7 - Artemis Katsamatis (28), 13 - Lily Robinson (31), 4 - Gavin Chamberlain (31, MRT), 20 - Odette Longstocking (24); 9 - Solomon Devante (30), 10 - Corona Sharpe (21)
Notable Substitutes: 4 - CB - Abram Axelsson (35), 5 - RB - Ellen Mifsud (21), 8 - CM - Sophia Moloney (30), 15 - ST - Ephraim Mirzian (21)

Background: Once considered a keystone member of the Premiership, Maximum City once lead the league on the 45th matchday. But, at the last minute, they collapsed, and their fierce rivals Treason overtook them. They've arguably never recovered, with relegation coming at the end of a long, drawn-out malaise. Maximum is a polluted, hyperindustrial clump, and City claims rather grandly to represent it all - this has been less true of late with the success of their local rivals, the Rovers. Traditionally they have played an unexciting, direct and physical brand of football, and its supporters value powerful, committed veterans and winning at any cost.

Summary: So last season was not good. Worse, their talismanic goalkeeper, Grubiša Jelić, has retired, and after a contract dispute top scorer Dejan Corvell left on a free for Kings Park. Coppell looks to have aged about ten years last season, under constant pressure from an expectant set of fans, but there just isn't the cattle for the immediate promotion that's craved. Still, City have no problems at the back, at least - Loris Aldous is a highly-rated young goalkeeper, acrobatic and athletic, with a rock-solid back four in front of him. Chamberlain (brought in from Treftadaeth) and Robinson aren't the most inspiring central midfield, but they're both solid veterans who know what they're about. Katsamatis is given the bulk of the creative burden on the right wing, charged with being genuinely incisive and finding breakthroughs, with Longstocking far more of a conventional 'very fast, no end product' average winger. Up front, Devante remains a huge, helpful target, while the bulk of the goalscoring duty now falls to Corona Sharpe, a small, incisive young striker. Coppell's in the last season of her contract, and unless her defensive, often dour tactics can provide the promotion challenge the fans crave and look very unlikely to get, it's doubtful it'll be renewed. The few in the know will settle for consolidation and victory in the three sets of derbies.

12. Belgrave
Home Colours: All purple with white trim
Away Colours: All yellow with black trim
Manager: Malta Falconer (42)
Stadium: Cherryfields (25,000)
Nickname: the Gargoyles
(4-3-3) 1 - Portia Bittroff (25); 2 - Sansa Dreyfuss (22), 4 - Kristian Gronkjaer (32, SEM), 19 - Drusilla Naess (24), 6 - Quin Markranstadt (25); 8 - Espen Whyte (27), 17 - Sigmar Ward (22), 11 - Corinne Mersiades (25); 10 - Sascha Dimitrius (25), 9 - Claudia Oakwood (29), 16 - Ingrid Feisser (22)
Notable Substitutes: 20 - GK - Jocasta Searle (23); 3 - CB - Milos Roth (29), 5 - CB - Dion Stepton (28), 13 - LW - Ivan Slate (28), 15 - ST - Ilary Muscat (21), 22 - DM - Detlef Konstantin (27), 23 - CM - Diana Lake (22), 24 - LB - Cristoph Heidel (27)

Background: Belgrave represents Sabrefell's affluent northeast, not historically a socio-economic demographic that has produced good footballers. Even so, their success in recent seasons is built more on good planning than deep pockets. They embrace their reputation for affluence, rebranding it as a belief in 'sophistication', and they've historically favoured a technical, possession-focused style of football, trusting in youth to step up for them. Their willingness to snipe talented youths from across the city to play for them has only made them less popular.

Summary: The Gargoyles encountered a crippling problem last season, after finally reaching the top flight for the first time in their history - they forgot how to score goals, and immediately plummeted back. Worse still, as happens so often, they lost their best players - classy midfielder Tsiolkas, redoubtable goalkeeper Fairweather and actual threatening forward Petersen - and return to a strengthened second tier looking rather toothless. They've found some cheap replacements, though Portia Bittroff has never been a regular starter as a goalkeeper and Ingrid Feisser from the Treason academy never broke through for them. Their strength remains their technique, and promoted manager Malta Falconer will need to let graceful players like Corinne Mersiades move. Some muscle, in the likes of Espen Whyte, should give her some room to maneuvre. Claudia Oakwood, meanwhile, absolutely has to find her shooting boots... after departed Petersen and retired captain Galloway's mighty seven goals last season, Oakwood was next in line with a pathetic six. Consolidation for Belgrave, as their momentum drags them to midtable.

13. Iron City
Home Colours: Red / red / white
Away Colours: Black / black / red
Stadium: Swordgarden (35,000)
Nickname: the Knights, the Iron
Manager: Lara Winter (38)
(4-1-4-1) 1 - Jove de Lisle (26); 2 - Francesca Quail (32), 5 - Corren Delaney (29), 17 - Francesca Scougall (27, c), 19 - Christian Ledger (23); 6 - Kiko Santiago (26); 7 - Claribel Overfelt (27, USI), 4 - Erin Honeyward (31), 22 - Antony Stamp (23), 11 - Refik Penterzen (31, DSM); 9 - Laura Wilhelm (30)
Notable Substitutes: 8 - CM - Prudence Bourne (26), 14 - DM - Adrienne Fletridge (30), 18 - RB - Andre Sciberras (22)

Background: The original Premiership yo-yo club, Iron City have the dubious record of having suffered five relegations from the top flight in the modern era (tied with Newrook). They've been in the second tier for the last five seasons, though, and have seemed to reach stability for once. Iron itself is a small, bleak, industrial city in northern Barossia, and the club traditionally plays bleak, industrial football - but on the other hand, Elaine Ashdown came from here, and has stated her intentions to finish her career here.

Summary: Less than a goal scored or conceded last season - yeah, it's safe to say it wasn't exactly a thrilling year for the Knights. But they did what they set out to do, finishing comfortably in the top half without actually threatening promotion, certainly never flirting with relegation. They have a lot of very average First Division players, and in the diminutive, furious Kiko Santiago, they have at least one very good one. They play defensive, disciplined and direct football, Laura Wilhelm constantly chasing and fighting for long balls upfield, and it gets results. Not impressive ones, just reliable ones. It's good enough for Lara Winter, a genuine one-club woman, and it's good enough for the fans. At least, for now.

14. Sheridan
Home Colours: All dark green, orange/white trim
Away Colours: All white, dark green/orange trim
Stadium: The Peoples' Ground (30,000)
Nickname: Sherries
Manager: Perspective Merson (43)
(4-1-4-1) 1 - Gared Aldridge (34); 2 - Bastian Keller (31); 5 - Toriel Scarrow (26), 6 - Jasper Sorrenson (31), 24 - Blossom Garry (27); 4 - Galen Wickham (30); 7 - Corinne Murdock (24), 10 - Kate Mullen (30, c), 8 - Luke Wintergren (29), 11 - Sharon Kitteman (24); 9 - Stacey Potenza (25, AUD)
Notable Substitutes: 12 - GK - Jack Cornthorpe (27); 13 - RM - Madeleine Leighton (30), 19 - CB - Jane Watson (32), 20 - CM - Bryce Burnett (33), 22 - ST - Nikita Arbor (31), 24 - LM - Jackie Mulberry (22)

Background: Sheridan has the poorest catchment of Sabrefell, and has a devoted, occasionally violent fanbase. Despite being broke and unfashionable, they've managed to do a job - particularly recently, managing a couple of stints in the Premiership. Sherries pride themselves on having a largely homegrown squad, all buying into an intensely physical, gruelling style - only people willing to run through walls for the club are accepted, and then loved, by the fans - and there's an uncommon number of one-club men who can't see themselves playing for any other club.

Summary: After a genuinely dreadful start to the season that saw them bottom with a quarter of the season played, Asger Stubbs managed to drag Sherries (it's always Sherries - never THE Sherries, always Sherries) back to safety. Then he retired, well-deserved after an iconic playing and stellar managerial career. Now it's the turn of his strangely-named former assistant, Perspective Merson, to take charge. In the usual Sherries tradition, they've had to sell their best young player - the rightback Dorian Kendrick - and snapped up some significant Premiership experience in former youth international Keller, versatile midfielder Wintergren and redoubtable striker Arbor. They were dull as hell to watch last season, scoring and conceding under a goal a game, but Merson is pledging to make better use of her wingers, with Sharon Kitteman also set to make a genuine breakthrough on the left. Potenza might not be the most prolific striker, though, being more in the typical Audioslavian mould - hard-working, good at doing the dirty work, unflashy. The specifics hardly matter. It's a Sheridan side that's like pretty much all Sheridan sides. They will be hard to beat, they will get the points they need, especially at home, and they will rack up a remarkable amount of cards along the way.

15. Cranequin City
Home Colours: All terracotta, gold trim
Away Colours: All sky blue, black trim
Stadium: Claringstone (18,000)
Nickname: the Terracotta Army
Manager: Misha Nechemevic (45, AUD)
(4-3-1-2) 1 - Lucian Corvin (34); 2 - Rachael Flitcroft (28), 17 - Jess Glaive (35), 6 - Heinz Kreis (23), 3 - Rook Keenan (32); 21 - Bertrand Verdier (26, EFL), 18 - Ninian Lechleiter (21), 8 - Reinhard Mendehlson (34, c); 7 - Delta Amberstone (24); 16 - Leofric Woadswell (27), 10 - Laura Annesley (21, SCT)
Notable Substitutes: AM - 11 - Lana Stubbs (31), CM - 12 - Bruce Scaleton (32), DM - 20 - Jacqueline Sembrant (26), LB/CM - 22 - Diana Ashworth (33)

Background: Cranequin is the smallest of the state capitals, and City is dwarfed by the Wanderers. Still, they've managed to compete with their rivals over the past few years, and a remarkable string of seasons under Edmund Agincourt saw an unlikely series of survivals with a side that just seemed to get worse and worse on paper but always found a way to cling to survival, until they suddenly didn't. Since their eventual relegation, they haven't really troubled the promotion picture - but the board is ambitious, and will be expecting something to change.

Summary: A middling season for an aging team - one can hardly blame Misha Nechemevic, still something of a question mark of a manager despite saying all the right things off the pitch, for deciding to freshen things up with some youth. A big, redoubtable centre-half in Kreis comes in from the third tier, as does spicy but injury-prone playmaker Amberstone, with Eastfielder journeyman Verdier coming in to reinforce the midfield. And it's young guns in Lechleiter and Annesley who were their brightest lights last term, aided by seasoned veterans in Mendehlson and Glaive - Terracotta Army fans will just have to enjoy them while they last before heading either for higher things or retirement. In the meantime, their side will continue to play balanced football with a technical focus, and it's hard to see them landing anywhere but roughly midtable.

16. Ritter Town
Home Colours: All white, orange trim
Away Colours: All blue, orange trim
Stadium: Stableground (22,000)
Nickname: the Stallions
Manager: Brandon Laithstrider (39)
(4-4-2) 1 - Simon Ardley (28); 2 - Sapphire Riverhound (22), 5 - Gunther Shawcroft (30, c), 4 - Rudi Fallon (27), 3 - Ferne (28, USI); 7 - Serval Harfouch (26), 14 - Cyrus Saebener (24), 8 - Brendan Sotiropolous (26), 13 - Boney Connell (22, BSE); 10 - Ganimedes (25, DAI), 21 - Discovery Carrera (22, AUD)
Notable Substitutes: 12 - GK - Axel Stamworth (35); 9 - ST - Cath Storrin (30), 19 - RB - Sigrun Tarragon (25, ISK)

Background: Ritter is a large town on the border of Barossia and Chardonnay, and its side has traditionally punched above its weight. It recently enjoyed a few seasons in the Premiership, but lower midtable First Division is roughly its Level, as it were. Now that they've fallen from the top flight, the management is trying to cultivate a focus on embracing youth and then selling them on at a significant profit to keep treading fiscal water.

Summary: The trouble with being a second-tier side both on and off the pitch is that your best assets are doomed to be constantly stripped. In this case, they've lost experienced manager Paige Hildebrand and talismanic young goalkeeper Anthoulis Matraxis - the retirement of Daniel Payne is far less damaging, but doesn't help either. They've brought in Brandon Laithstrider from relegated Sutcroft, a young laptop manager who they reckon can bring the best out of a limited squad, and he's made some canny purchases, albeit of damaged good - Ardley's a good goalkeeper who'd slipped to backup, Shawcroft could only watch from the bench after a serious knee injury as his side was relegated to the third tier. As ever, Town play hard-working football with a focus on the physical, with creative wingers Harfouch and Connell given the bulk of the creative duties and Discovery Carrera, after a pleasingly prolific opening season, shouldering most of the goalscoring burden. Having the colossus Ganimedes next to him should help.

17. West Brinemouth
Home Colours: Orange / black / orange
Away Colours: Pink / black / pink
Stadium: Volkstadion (31,000)
Nickname: the Gulls
Manager: Tana Colbright (42)
(4-3-1-2) 1 - Henna Morgan (31); 17 - James Culden (27), 19 - Alice Woodman (29), 6 - Pearce Courtenay (32), 23 - April Forshawe (25); 7 - Gerwyn Clarke (22), 4 - Cheney Gestede (28), 8 - Miriam Capulet (30); 15 - Sami Makela (25); 10 - Connor Hurriston (31), 16 - Shayna Markus (23)
Notable Substitutes: 20 - GK - Dave Cassen (22); 3 - LB/DM, Maximillian Pembroke (33, c), 13 - AM - Coral Randwick (23), 14 - CM - Logan Taylor (30), 22 - CB - Jason Godfrey (24), 23 - ST - Brun Terry (22), 25 - CM - Hilda Stannion (22), 26 - DM - Rook Trestleman (21)

Background: Brinemouth's west is the relatively poor, working-class part of the city, away from the affluent, arguably gentrified Brineside. Unlike most such sides, it remains in the shadow of neighbours and fierce rivals Brinemouth, but it has achieved some fair successes of its own in the modern era, occasionally reaching the Premiership and once winning the NFA Cup. The fanbase traditionally values workmanlike, muscular players, but the academy has not been the most successful, and many of the best youth prospects in the city are poached by their bigger, richer neighbours.

Summary: That was rough. The Gulls scored fewer goals than anyone else last season and then lost what passed for their top scorer, Kunigunde Almerich, on a free. In all honesty, they came perilously close to a second consecutive relegation - one point away, in the end, during a very tight battle. They've fired Augustine Houghton, bringing in Tana Colbright, who was Goodfeather's interim manager for most of last season - she failed to win a full-time contract but has gladly taken up the chance available out east. She's pledged to improve the side and have them play more eye-catching football, which is a staggeringly low bar to set. For that to happen, erratic playmaker Sami Makela must redouble his efforts and find some consistency, while local striker Shayna Markus, who looked dangerous on the bench last season, must make the step up into the consistent goalscorer the Gulls need. Defensively, at least, the Gulls are well-drilled, if staffed by mediocrities. The jewels in the tarnished crown stand out - former Crisisbless goalkeeper Henna Morgan is a very capable goalkeeper at this level, while Cheney Gestede adds even more muscle and graft to an already athletically inclined midfield of Clarke and the lone technician Capulet. They really have to stay up - comfortably, this time. Anything else... well, check back in next season.

18. Vermillion Wanderers
Home Colours: Green / green / yellow
Away Colours: Yellow / green / green
Stadium: the Falstaff Ground (23,500)
Nickname: the Wanderers
Manager: Asmund Boon (61, ANT)
(4-4-2) 1 - Iona Britton (25); 16 - Ichthys Tsekenis (25), 5 - Bella Keegan (31, c), 22 - Sandra West (33), 3 - Florian Kuefer (20, PAS); 7 - Ambrose Sonnett (28), 21 - Gareth Ramsay (31), 4 - Stelios Eleftheriou (28), 13 - Renat Janssen (24, SEM); 23 - Per Martinsson (23, SEM), 10 - Masquerade Bryson (24)
Notable Substitutes: 12 - GK - Tameka Halsall (24); 2 - RB - Kelly Reisinger (34)

Background: The Wanderers had a dramatic rise from the semi-professional levels that saw them in the Premiership for three seasons. The rise was mirrored off the pitch as well as on, and they carved out a niche for themselves as Vermillion's reasonably-respected third side, and they've had to expand their stadium capacity to match the demand. Unlike Parrhesia and the Rage, they've found something of a reputation for very route-one football. They've about found their level in the First Division.

Summary: Things got really dicey last season - bottom at the halfway point, the Wanderers were only safe from relegation after an 86th minute Martinsson equaliser on the last match of the season. Still, Asmund Boon's silenced his doubters, succeeding where seasoned hand Catheline Allister failed. While maintaining the Wanderers' focus on physical, direct football and a powerful spine, he hopes to play a slightly more positive game, and feels with some justice that this is a squad that will be better for another season of experience. Iona Britton is an exceptional shot-stopper at this level, without whom they would certainly have been relegated, while Florian Kuefer lived up to the hopes and looks to be going from strength to strength. Gareth Ramsay is a dominant figure in midfield while Renat Janssen's a lethal winger, while lethal striker Masquerade Bryson continues to catch the eye. There's a lot of average players and a few very good ones. That, underneath a manager who seems to know how to bring the best out of them, should be enough for safety.

19. Crossroads Town
Home Colours: White / red / white
Away Colours: Black / black / red
Stadium: Rider's Rest (14,000)
Nickname: the Valiants
Manager: Marcel Pellegrin (54)
(4-4-2) 1 - Rainer Burgnich (26); 18 - Ellen Penny (28), 17 - Brendan Blake (35), 6 - Ferdinand Howe (29), 19 - Per Mathiasen (28, SEM, c); 13 - Gretchen Seip (28), 4 - Apostolos Iordanou (25, PRV), 21 - Florian Schneider (26), 16 - Mignon Vaughan (26, EFL); 7 - Laura Weiler (32), 10 - Conrad Webber (28)
Notable Substitutes: 22 - RM - Lowen Falkirk (31)

Background: The town of Crossroads sits, appropriately, roughly equidistant between Crisisbless, Vermillion and Maximum. A loosely-populated sprawl that has, in fact, eaten a number of small nearby hamlets over the years, it was once a crucial part of the landscape that generally came out for the worse in Nephara's various civil wars back in the city-state days, but now enjoys a reputation as a quiet retreat from the bustle of city life that has managed to become a local tourist hotspot despite a lack of any real natural landmarks. The club has spent the modern era pinging between First and Second Division, enduring three relegations but enjoying three promotions.

Summary: Everyone thought it'd be Chenoworth Rovers' year, and if not them, then the rising giants of Corvistone. It wasn't. Crossroads won, and deservedly so, powered to the title through Marcel Pellegrin's determination to just do the simple things right. It's a philosophy that will set them in good stead for survival in the second tier, too. They've recruited strongly, with Penny and Blake shoring up a defence that was their relative weak point last season, Schneider steadying the midfield, Vaughan an impressive journeyman winger and well-travelled Laura Weiler returning to her homeland after an ill-starred stint in the Iron Syndicate. She'll have a hard time upstaging strike partner Conrad Webber, though, prolific in the third tier, who has never had a shot at the second tier before. They're a straightforward Nepharim team - physical, hard-working and built on power and pace. They should do okay.

20. Coret Rovers
Home Colours: Blue / white / blue
Away Colours: Yellow / blue / yellow
Stadium: The Ultramarine (16,000)
Nickname: the Rovers
Manager: Dorian Brindle (48)
(4-2-3-1) 12 - Darroll Kewell (23, EFL); 19 - Parvana Evans (25, ISK), 5 - Logan More (27), 22 - Dave Chenoweth (22), 3 - Karlo Jozic (25, PAS); 21 - Gareth Brewer (30), 4 - Kurtis Muscat (33); 7 - Theresa Wintergren (33), 8 - Jozan Moreland (29), 10 - Guillermo Cecchini (24, AUD); 9 - Liberty Hammond (32, c)
Notable Substitutes: 1 - GK - Dan Keel (38); 5 - CB - Alexander Smough (34), 14 - CM - Bosko Roman (22, IRN), 15 - AM - Arjen Clijsters (34)

Background: Regarded by most as the second Coret side, the Rovers will claim to all and sundry that they were there first. Which is true. They're still mad about the Hawks for relocating to Coret, still regard them as plastics and resent their history of success. The Rovers themselves have usually been relatively small-time, bouncing through the lower-professional tiers of the league. Their rivals like to smugly inform them that the Hawks' existence defines the Rovers. This is probably true.

Summary: The Rovers stayed up last season, just about managing to keep the relegation places at arm's reach despite a genuinely appalling goal difference. The sad fact was that, at the back, Dan Keel, Alexander Smough and the retired Caitlin Cruickshank didn't have what it took anymore, while Bosko Roman struggled throughout the season to adapt to a higher level. Fortunately, the slack was picked up elsewhere, with Liberty Hammond enjoying the most prolific season of her career - she's been given the captaincy after reports of her inspirational leadership by example and in the dressing room - and Jozan Moreland proved his doubters wrong as well. The spine's been stiffened this season with some canny additions - the fluid attacking midfielder Wintergren eases Moreland's creative burden, physical beast Brewer will make for a genuinely imposing midfield with Muscat while Darroll Kewell is something of a gamble between the posts, as is the faith invested in young Dave Chenoweth, who struggled in his cameos last season. Hackett's best assets are their left-sided foreigners, Jozic and Cecchini. They, a reliable goalscorer in Hammond and their strong holding midfield should be enough to set them in good stead.

21. Hackett
Home Colours: Red / white / red
Away Colours: White / black / white
Stadium: Bradach Avenue (18,000)
Nickname: the Merry Boys
Manager: Anders Clarke (61)
(4-3-3) 12 - Sander Sorenholm (24, SEM); 17 - Nicola Wrexham (20), 18 - Gareth Kearney (36), 6 - Augustine Rouphos (35, PRV, c), 3 - Iliad Tsipras (28, PRV); 14 - Sara Penford (25), 5 - Chris Margate (26), 8 - Alexis Hannaday (30); 7 - Rhianna Forrest (31), 10 - Yehochanan Maas (31), 23 - Lyon Kalvan (25)
Notable Substitutes: 1 - GK - Chris Crowder (33); 2 - RB/CB - Theodora Bueskens (34), 11 - AM - Yelizaveta Isayeva (34, PDN), 13 - CM - Alexis Hearseman (28), 16 - LW - Espen Havenaar (33)

Background: Based in the western outskirts of the city of Maximum, Hackett are a sporadically notable side, but they tend to bleed into the general lower-league landscape. They are associated with a somewhat more suburban, culturally diverse landscape than the hyperindustrial, extremely Anglo-Teutonic core of the city, and the club has benefited from the recent expansion west of the city's development (though some have criticised it as 'sprawl').

Summary: The Merry Boys, despite their age, scraped to safety last season - and yes, it was 'scraped' despite being a comfortable-on-paper 17th, given they only stayed up by two points and some goal difference. And now an old side has... gotten older. That's the issue with short-termism, it's the constant need for turnover that kills you, and late last season it became clear that Bueskens, Isayeva (to a lesser extent) and Havenaar no longer had what it took, and Crowder might never have had it in the first place. Still, Anders Clarke (the oldest manager in the second tier) is a canny operator, and looks to have reinforced key areas well. Sorenholm is an obscure purchase, a goalkeeper from the lowly Legaskari arriving on a free, with Sara Penford a clever pickup from third-tier Stonegrave and Alexis Hannaday a classy playmaker at this level, brought in from Raven River. Project +90 graduate Nicola Wrexham looked convincing when she made the step up into regular starts last season, adding youth to a rock-solid but painfully slow defence - Rouphos is a good ball-playing defender, Kearney an excellent colossus, but both are old, and 28-year old Tsipras at leftback's hardly young. Up front, Forrest and Maas will have to continue knocking in the goals, and Hannaday should help - the athletic Kalvan, sadly, didn't much look up to the task in his cameos last season. It's clear that Hackett faces another relegation struggle, but they'll fancy themselves to survive against the odds.

22. Rochford
Home Colours: Blue and black stripes / black / blue
Away Colours: White / blue / white
Stadium: Fisherking's Court (11,000)
Nickname: the Owls
Manager: Warren Orwell (51)
(4-4-1-1) 1 - Chris Beasley (28); 2 - Ella Garner-Terry (27), 5 - Vance Schmidt (31), 19 - Sigma Hantas (24), 3 - Vogue Hechen (29); 12 - Colette Proudfoot (25), 4 - Elaine Candlestick (26, c), 6 - Silk Commoner (25), 11 - Nathan Proctor (24); 8 - Ruziqul Burgundy (26, ISK); 9 - Scenario Martane (25)

Background: A moderately prominent town just inland of the Lazuli Coast, Rochford were a yo-yo club leading into the modern era of Nepharim football but have slipped away from prominence in more recent years, echoing the tendency of the townsfolk themselves to leave for the greener pastures of Brinemouth. Built overlooking the small lake known as the Roch, Rochford is famous for its seafood, especially its oysters.

Summary: The pitfall of promoting four clubs is that often the fourth club usually doesn't look quite up to it. That club, this time around, is Rochford, a state of affairs not particularly helped by a lack of prominent transfer activity. So what do Rochford have? Well, the luxury of a dedicated playmaker in Ruziqul Burgundy - she doesn't offer much defensively and doesn't score too often, but she's got range, vision and accuracy in her passes and set pieces. It also has Scenario Martane, a rangy and somewhat limited striker who was nevertheless the Second Division's top scorer last season, and incisive winger Nathan Proctor who provided a lot of the rest. In Candlestick and Commoner, there's a rough and ready holding midfield unit ready to support the luxury of Burgundy while also being tidy enough with their feet, while Colette Proudfoot's blinding pace offers a more orthodox option on the right. Sadly, the defence may not be up to scratch - it's not awful, having conceded less than a goal a game last season, but it's not been significantly reinforced and may well fold under scrutiny at this level. Orwell is a proven third-tier manager of a very good third-tier team... but this isn't the third tier anymore. Rochford will probably be back in it next season.

23. East Laithland Harriers
Home Colours: Red / black / red
Away Colours: Green / green / white
Stadium: Clangor Row (13,000)
Nickname: the Harriers
Manager: Providence Mitford (58)
(4-2-3-1) 1 - Theo Stamocostas (25); 2 - Amelia Canady (22), 22 - Amelia Breukelen (22, IRN), 5 - Arne van Hoof (34), 16 - Joan Casemere (22); 14 - Julian Pence (25), 5 - Sebastian Hendrickshaw (27); 15 - Rowena Sierra (19, CMT), 8 - Jacob Hull-Benson (34, SLL), 23 - Reinaldo Bosch (21, AUD); 9 - Pato Yamaguchi (32, COS, c)
Notable Substitutes: 20 - GK - Bruce Deiler (31); 6 - CM - July Oshlack (30), 7 - RAM - Arin Clarke (32)

Background: The Harriers by and large represent the broke, disparate parts of the Laith, various small towns migrating to the medium-sized town of Drift to watch their side. Unlike many other Laithlander teams, the Harriers have traditionally struggled fiscally and on the pitch, treading water at times. Harrier fans are known as being devoted, occasionally violent, and always impassioned. They also have a bone to pick with just about everyone; their official list of rivals counts North Laithland, South Laithland, Extreme Hills, Cypher Town, Serpentine, AFC Treason (who they've never played in the league), Sutcroft, Chatswood, West Hook, Maximum Rovers...

Summary: In the end, it was only by a point - but East Laithland did, despite everything, survive. Largely this was through a staggering run in the second half of the season that took them from the relegation places to the top half, and while they slumped back down near the foot, it proved enough. Lightning could strike a third time. Providence Mitford is the toast of the town and has quickly reinforced an aging team, though continuing to build it around 34-year old Llamanean playmaker Hull-Benson. Pato Yamaguchi managing to score 17 goals was a remarkable feat, too. New signings in hulking defender van Hoof, reliable goalkeeper Stamocostas and coup loanee Sierra (from Brenecian high-fliers Northern Stallions) complement the existing dynamic. On the whole, though, the Harriers have their backs to the wall again, and you suspect that's how the fans like it best.

24. AFC Shale
Home Colours: Jade green / blue / jade green
Away Colours: Grey / black / grey
Stadium: Coal Palace (8,000)
Nickname: the Golems
Manager: Petra Sibling (56)
(5-3-2) 12 - Cardinal Murrough (24); 2 - Nyna Axehandle (28, c), 19 - Hilda Scottrie (23), 13 - Cassandra Costell (35), 6 - Jakub Bratseth (27), 3 - Cleo Bleasdale (28); 4 - Brendan Woodbridge (33), 5 - Lucia Raine (27), 15 - Sofia Tatra (20); 9 - Jamie Ratchford (31), 11 - Janna Radley (31)

Background: A small Barossian mining town, Shale's always prided itself on a football club that reflects its values and has often managed to punch above its weight, including four seasons in the Premiership in the early 50s. The Golems have traditionally played a muscular, defensive and hard-working style of football with little patience for anyone unwilling to put in a good shift. Local players don't tend to stick around - football's your way out of Shale, not a way to stay there.

Summary: Surprising most people, the Golems came straight back up last season, and they did so the same old way. They were big, tough and defensive, and it worked, handily unearthing young local talents Cardinal Murrough and the clever midfielder Sofia Tatra in the process. The fact is, though, that the Golems just look... limited, at this level. Sure, they flat-out didn't concede goals last season, just 26 getting past Murrough, and they've reinforced that defence with versatile former Bishop squad player Hilda Scottie. But it's up front where they had issues, scoring just 50 goals. How many can 31-year old journeywoman Janna Radley realistically add to that? In all likelihood, Shale will rely on set pieces for most of their goals, or pumping it long and direct and hoping the strikers get ahold of it. They're old and uninspired, as underlined by their record signing now being 33-year old veteran Woodbridge, and it's hard to see them scoring enough goals to get out of trouble.

Lower Down the Pyramid

Second Division
Chenoworth Rovers remain the biggest dog in the third tier, their ambitions to hire hometown hero Gethin Ramsay thwarted by Ramsay's illness and subsequent death. They never quite recovered from the preseason, and it also didn't help that they couldn't score for shit. They've poached Iskandrian international and proven goalscorer Autumn Starbuck from Crisisbless Athletic in an attempt to remedy that, strengthened throughout the side and are aiming squarely for a return to the Premiership within three years under fiery new manager Catheline Harper. Other contenders appear to be recent bloomers in Pillars of Southfell, who are establishing themselves in the small city, and Treason outfit The Strongest, who have thrown off their amateur shackles but maintained their commitment towards fair play, Corinthian values and muscular Christianity. The club formerly known as Rhagant Schadenfreude, once top flight mainstays, has rebranded to the ambitious name of Barossia United to reflect their position at the epicentre of a number of smallish Barossian towns. They scraped to survival last season, scoring just 27 goals, and with a strong set of teams promoted from the fourth tier face an uphill battle to survive.

Third Division
There's real intrigue in the Third Division this season, and controversy to boot. Much of this comes down to the failed planned city of Dubstep, east of the Vale. North Dubstep, despite finishing 5th last season, were still 15 points away from promotion, and have been liquidated. Attempting to pounce on this, Dubstep Rangers - formerly of the Premiership, just promoted from the Conference, with the record for falling quickest from former to latter - have rebranded to the Chardonnay Rangers and hope to represent an area in need of hope. There's something of a power vaccuum at the top that ambitious sides such as Alliance Barossia, Lazuli Diamonds, the Ceynes-based Falston sides and even the newly-promoted Rangers will be eager to fill. At the bottom, it could be a long, hard season for the Pravenna Saints, who were just parachuted in to fill the gap and have the burden of uniting a charred hellscape behind them.

Conference
The Conference tends these days to be a mix of fallen relative giants who couldn't adapt to changing times (newly-relegated Mainstream Fist, for example, and the flirting-with-state-league Forge Carpenters), upwardly mobile sides aiming for a push to professionalism (promotion favourites Corinthians No Longer and Boltcroft Thorns in the West and Rochford Pilgrims in the weaker East) and clubs somewhere in between, for whom semi-professionalism is pretty much their level. In the lattermost group are two of the more interesting sides in the league - the Travellers FC aim to represent Nephara's substantial Traveller minority, while newly-promoted Corvistone City aim to be a far more organic club for their emerging city, without the benefit of their extensive financial backing or Premiership ambition.

by **Nephara** » Fri Oct 06, 2017 3:14 am

The mood is sombre for the Ramsey Shield this year - this being the first since the titular Gethin Ramsey’s death, a colossus of football across the world and the only manager to take three teams - Nephara, the Licentian Isles and Cosumar - to the World Cup. Still, both sides bring full-strength sides to AFC Corvistone’s Phoenix Rise, and Athletic show their teeth without ever seeming to need to reach third gear. Tanith Rainsford, wearing the armband in her return to Nephara, shuts down North Laithland’s midfield with almost insulting ease and then sets up Chloe Rudden for the first goal with a long pass of terrifying vision - Rudden just has to outrun Kendrick and slot the ball under Sinstadt, bread and butter for a winger of her calibre. After a lovely passing move, the substitute Levin Castellan (who Rainsford hands the armband off to, as actual club captain) finishes it off with a thumping header in the 71st minute and the Spiders are out of it. Gautier looks comfortable, though he’s hardly tested, and there’s a brief but promising cameo for the youth Grey Meisler as well - for the Spiders, Sinstadt at least impressed between the posts, but Dorian Kendrick looked almost seasick after being skinned a thousand times by Rudden and was mercy-substituted off on the hour mark for Reuser, who did little better. Just about as expected, really.

In UICA terms, it was a mixed set of qualifying rounds. Chenoworth Harriers get a rude awakening to the Champions’ Cup, but react smartly with a new squad to put down the powerful Avenida Leal 4-1 on aggregate… and then run into Sonoma Center, get pumped 4-1 away and despite a valiant 2-1 home win, it’s not enough. Crisisbless are reunited with Vilitan opposition in the Champions’ Cup. They do not avenge themselves, going down 4-2 on aggregate. Both sides edge out decent opposition in the Globe Cup qualifiers, Crisisbless beating Royal Jam 4-3 and the Harriers edging Vaduz Portcullis 1-0 on aggregate, both with narrow home wins and away draws, but there’s notable crowd disquiet in Treason as the side goes down 6-2 to Club ESF. The side are booed off at home after a dismal 2-0 defeat. Already ominous signs for the Stags...

Well it’s time to east into the Premiership seasWHOA

Okay.

The newly-promoted teams are dealt with impolitely with the established order, admittedly facing a really fucking unkind draw. Athletic deal with Chatswood like they dealt with the Spiders, just sort of casually rolling the ball around, letting Tanith Rainsford dominate Corsie and Schuster before she thunders home a free kick in the 27th minute and Wardenier’s flicked header finishes the Woodsmen off. Southfell look a little directionless without Regatta Aspenwood driving forward from the midfield, and Treason, with Servet Misidjan and Vedran Tarashaj running the show despite being swamped in midfield, put five past Sigrid Cooper. Diamondqueen had faced some questions about their somewhat erratic goalkeeper and Corren Dankworth is promptly beaten at his near post within three minutes by Alemane, the first goal of the season. In fact, Alemane dominates Fairbairn throughout, scoring a further far-post header and then laying on an assist for Cassadore to score on her debut. At least Extreme Hills score a goal - they draw first blood, in fact, with Osarian striker Maribel Garrido rifling home from 20 yards, but then five get dumped past Tournay at the other end before the end of the first half. Barota’s 67th-minute consolation… isn’t really much consolation. Elsewhere, Newrook edge a seven-goal thriller with the Harriers, all four of their goals scored by Alan Bothr- wait, what? By Maladict Farrell? The 21-year old youth product? Apparently so. Anyway, Coret Hawks finish off the day by racing to a 3-0 lead at half-time against Morningstar, and then, well, all Morningstar’s breaks go off. A horrible challenge from Kovach on Nikolaidis sees the former sent off and the latter injured, his substitute Sherry Bickermann scoring an exceptionally rare goal to make it 4-0, Morningstar pull one back through Boldman but then concede two more at the other end as Dani Harper completes a debut hat-trick before Gwen Saunders is also sent off for elbowing Antonio hard enough to draw blood. Hawthorn brings down Antonio and… yes, she gets penalty duties. Why not? It’s 6-1 and everything’s going Coret’s way… and she buries it past the goalkeeper in the 91st minute. In the 93rd, when most of the Stars are surely just begging for the final whistle, Thanasi Holland makes it 8 with a whistling drive past Hawthorn’s near post. A torrid debut for the Stars’ new goalkeeper, but Jessica Loque must be fancying her chances with this Hawks side… and the Hawks fancying themselves with her.

This could be a really long season for the Hounds. Yeah, they scored another goal - this time, the impressive Sigrun Barota glided through Rafford and Osmosis Gandhi before slotting the ball low past Marciak… to make it 4-1. Rafford herself hit back with a fifth after a lung-busting run to get onto a long ball from Tedesco, then beat Tournay at her near post. It might well be rough for the Diamonds, too, as they lose a second straight game 3-0. There’s just no answer to the Moths’ greater pace and physicality, as Solara Vol notches up her first two goals for her new club and substitute Hatherton also gets off to a strong start. “We just need more urgency in the final third,” said an already stressed-sounding Hydrangea Dimitriades after the final whistle. Starling pulverised Corvette 6-2, a match remarkable for Padilla’s dominant performance (a goal and FOUR assists) as well as for a Cesar Corvalan brace against his parent club, and the young man couldn’t resist a bit of a bunny hop and fist-pump at his second. Finally, Brinemouth versus AFC Treason, the two giants of modern Nepharim football. Tarashaj opened the scoring in the fifth minute with a driven header and Treason generally took the upper hand in the first half, but Matt Vintner between the Dockers’ posts was determined to impress Lujendra Mescalin after almost being sold, making a spectacular reflex save to deny Fraser from four yards before blocking a point-blank Igrene Cantor piledriver… with his face. Concussed, he left the field, and replacement Juan Pablo Morales was determined to make the most of his chance. He provided an assist early in the second half, a massive long ball over the top seized upon by Scotti, who brushed past Katskalidis before thumping the ball into the stanchion, before an Evelyn Conjure piledriver from just outside the box in the 79th minute won the game for Brinemouth. All smiles, then? Not quite, not after the final whistle. “Would you say you Conjured up the three points for your team?” a journalist asked the marquee midfielder, who grimaced. “No,” she said flatly. “I would not.” Fair enough, then.

Finally, the results seem to calm down a bit. Relatively. First up, the 350-1 bet that Extreme Hills would go the whole season without a win is officially off - a towering Adamastor header exposed the Spiders’ weak defence from set pieces and Jess Hearn’s exquisite 30-yard chip showed the otherwise decent Sinstadt not to stray too far off his line. Adamastor got himself sent off for a needlessly brutal professional foul on Rune Haldenstadt, rupturing the key striker’s MCL after he ran through clear on goal. But in the remaining half-hour, they struck back only once - Stenet won and then converted a penalty late on - and the Hounds held out, thanks in large part to some strong saves from Tournay. “This could be the start of something really exciting in the Laith, a real shifting of the established order,” crowed Jess Hearn after the final whistle. Sure, keep telling yourself that. After a fairly torrid start to the season, Isla Safarova picks up her first Premiership points, admittedly with the help of an… accommodating Corvette side. Ulster strikes first, a piledriver low and hard beyond Sparr before Coppinger threads the needle through a crowd of legs and then Alexis Brill’s vicious, spinning cross is turned into his own net by Gideon Muller, who has endured a terrible start to life in the Premiership. Djuric strikes back late in the game, but in the 92nd minute the Chariots twist the knife further as substitute Sujet Carsley’s unmarked far-post header makes it 4-1. The Maulers, along with Diamondqueen (understandably beaten by Crisisbless) and Southfell (simply unable to get through Chatswood’s defence), remain pointless. At the sharp end of the table, Athletic hosts Brinemouth, the two expected big dogs of the season. Morales remains between the posts for the Dockers, but little could be done about Athletic’s early opener - Brinemouth overextend going forward, the giant Gautier easily claims a high Silkman cross and then releases Rainsford, who releases Rudden and suddenly it’s three extremely fast, fluid forwards against one guy. The three win. It’s 1-0. Athletic have the better of the game, but can’t make it count, as Bereveskos hits both post and crossbar during the second half. The Dockers make them pay in the 80th minute. Soederquist nicked the ball off Rainsford with a fair bit of muscle, strode imperiously down the bitch and then slipped an inch-perfect pass for Dimitra Exarchopolous to find herself alone, eight yards from goal. She slipped it home, though Gautier somehow got fingers to it… just not enough. “Points like that are the stuff of champions,” Mescalin boasted after the match. “Believe me. I’d know.”

Corvette have had a pretty rough start to the season. They probably aren’t looking forward to greeting the Stags. Are they? “We relish a challenge,” claims Leo Santander, and apparently they do given that they take an early lead through Nadine Mateus somehow finding free space and exploiting it. Unfortunately for the Maulers, the status quo soon reasserts itself, and they ultimately come out the worst of a 2-3 scoreline. A valiant performance, but they’re on the bottom of the table as Diamondqueen pump the Hills 5-2, Danil Kowalczyk flaring into life with a brace, and Southfell manage to beat the Spiders when a brilliant pass from Nikas splits open the defence and finally, Miranda ‘Lightning’ Gail gets to prove where she got her nickname, racing clear and stabbing the ball between Sinstadt’s sprawling legs. River continue to make the best of a difficult early round of fixtures, as Kaukenas leads by example. First he wins a penalty in the 14th minute, immediately wrests the ball off Marinello to take it himself and buries it. Then Kaeman hits in a lovely high cross, he heads it at goal towards the bottom corner and looks a little displeased that Kaskanis taps home the necessary final touch. Then, he breaks Tanith Rainsford’s nose with a powerful elbow - this only makes him more popular with River, who are no fans of Athletic. Oh, yeah, by the way it’s Athletic they’re dunking this whole time. He’s sent off and Ferryman gets a goal back, but a corner that pinballs around Athletic’s box gets slammed home by Daleiden, who’s been surprisingly good amidst rumours of already having been fined twice for a lack of condition.

Do not adjust your sets. Extreme Hills have just pumped Morningstar 4-0. Vorbeck opens the scoring within 17 seconds, the quickest goal of the season so far as Kurtis Rough falls over in pursuit of Hearn’s through-ball, Barota runs onto it freely and then simply cuts it back for the Ethane striker to slot home between a despairing Ceferin’s legs. Ceferin’s then culpable for two of the next goals but really, Lineker puts it best in a disgusted presser: “It was a shit performance, gutless, trash, fucking filth. They’re all be lucky to be in a job!” Far more tranquil when responding to a crisis, Hydrangea Dimitriades watched her Diamonds succumb 3-1 to North Laithland, Hemeyer sent off late in the first half for scything Gazzincha down back when it was 1-1. Dimitriades declined to blame him for the defeat. In routine crushings news, Athletic smashes Corvette 4-0 and Crisisbless put six past Serpentine. It lends to a feeling that, gradually, the gap between haves and have-nots in the Premiership is growing. Then again, nobody told Southfell or Bishop. Southfell overcomes Brinemouth 3-1 through greater intensity in midfield, simply rushing them down as best they can as Vasilis Nikas flared to life, his every touch seemingly turning to gold as he notched up two goals of his own, while Bishop sat deep, held their line, leaned somewhat on Rebecca Scannell’s sharp saves and then hit Treason twice with counters late in the second half, wingers Lorelei Neptune and 19-year old substitute Roxana Coffey doing the damage.

Emery Lineker does not believe in half-measures. Ceferin, Rough, Sahar, Whitesmith, Kovach and Boldman all pay for their failures by losing their places just in time for a crunch match against the Diamonds. It works. Marika Kreisburg relishes a rare chance, smashing home two goals from the edge of the box, centre-half Andreas Keyes contributes with a powerful header off a set piece while 19-year old Circe Rosenthal really catches the eye in the centre of midfield and Malta Hawthorn, dropped after the opening-day calamity debut, makes five smart saves and could do nothing against the Diamonds’ late consolation. Hydrangea Dimitriades’ squad might be in serious trouble. It’s even looking up in Corvette, relatively - after opening their season with five straight defeats, a dour scoreless draw enabled by a rapid-fire, point-blank double save from Lukas Sparr and the excellent work of Lara Silverstein in midfield gives Corvette its first point of the season against an uninspired and uninspiring Chatswood. Bishop continue to do the thing they do against Sabrefell Athletic, half-Cosumarite Neptune yet again the key racing down the left wing en route to a sizzling 3-1 win. “I’m just trying to repay the faith that’s been put in me,” she told the press piously after a goal and an assist for the second straight game. As for Gabriella Antonio, she’s not about to depart the professional game - if the rumours are true - quietly. There’s been some disquiet amongst the Hawks fans for her decision to at least leave for a year to have a child, but a goal in either half to steer the Hawks past Starling, away, went a long way towards winning them back.

But the season refused to chill. First up, what the hell happened to the Oathmen? They opened the game with a cracking shot from Axel Korborg that Robert Griffin did well to fingertip onto the post. That was their only shot on target of the game. The Moths got nine, of which Byron Caldwick managed to smother one. Aaliyah Johnson got four of them. Creed were down to 10 after Kurtis Bristoll gave up on the match in the 71st minute and took out Ylissa Hatherton with an awful challenge, but it was already 5-0 by then. The 8-0 scoreline matches the Premiership record, set and then equalled by Brinemouth. Bishop chalk up a third straight win, beating Chatswood 3-1 in Treason, as Karlene Sitz has shot out of nowhere to be one of the form midfielders in the league and Tzipporah Cohen’s three-yard miss extends her scoreless run and the sense she isn’t quite good enough for the top flight. 2-0 down to Parrhesia United at half-time, Portia Thrift must have put the fear of God into Crisisbless heads as they poured out in the second half and pumped five goals past Koufax, while Coret Hawks pulverised the Chariots 5-2 away as Dani Harper races to her eighth goal in seven games. Corvette go down 1-0 to Southfell United after thirteen whole seconds as Hadrian Kuepper, brought in after a knock to Kerrigan, scores in his first start… but the Maulers fight back, inspired yet again by Silverstein in the middle of the park and Djuric on the right flank, with Chris Britton finally stepping up to his pricetag and scoring two headers off late runs into the box as the Maulers secure a vital away win. Far less exciting than all of this, but River go ahead early against Brinemouth and then manage to almost hold them off for the duration of the game. Pablo Scotti fires a half-volley past the otherwise indomitable Bowerman in the 84th minute but it’s still a brilliant away point for the Ferrymen, with their defence immense. In a good way. “Keep calling me fat!” Daleiden ill-advisedly tells the world of social media. “We’ll keep climbing the table!”

The internet kept calling Daleiden fat. River kept winning - 5-1 this time, Kaukenas returning from his three-game suspension with a hat-trick and Nikolas Vikmanis scoring his first senior goal for River, a cracking shot off the inside of the crossbar that blazed straight through Sinstadt’s fingertips on the way. North Laithland, on the losing side of that equation, have a lot of work to do. At least Josie Webster looked relatively bright when she came on in the second half? Brookford Otters, who have had a fairly lowkey season thus far, contrive to go down 4-0 in the first half to a rampant Athletic. New manager Hestia Canaan burnishes her stocks, though, when the side comes out inspired in the second half, with a triple substitution that sees all three substitutes, Solbachen, Duprey and even Brandon Rivan, defensive midfielder by trade but shunted out to rightback, score. Once, a number which here means ‘not enough’, especially when Athletic substitute Gareth Corvine finishes them off. Eerily similar, Parrhesia claw back 3-0 down to 3-3 before conceding a 91st minute winner. Except that Brookford lost to Athletic - Parrhesia lost to the fucking Hounds. On a similarly leaky note, Violence Chariots are losing by a respectable 3-1 in the 75th minute, Alexander Soarhaven limps off injured, all their substitutes had been used and they lose 7-1 to Vermillion. Bizarre stuff. The Moths’ first defeat finally arrives at the hands of a Starling side who had lost their last two, and in some style as Padilla genuinely dominates, scoring twice on the way to a cruisy 4-1 win. By contrast, Corvette Maulers are unbeaten in three, Johanna Ankergren’s diving header equalising late on against mighty Brinemouth, who have won just one of their last four as the team struggles to gel. Teams in serious trouble: North Laithland are obviously shit, Morningstar lose convincingly to Serpentine through a Mason brace as Emery Lineker is sent off for whipping the fourth official with her scarf, Chatswood get pulverised 5-0 by Newrook as Aziz Senturk has one of the best games of his career without actually scoring himself, and Diamondqueen contrive to lose 8-2 to Chenoworth Harriers. “I’m a little disappointed,” Aidan Brosque admitted after the game. “The record win’s by eight clear goals, the Harriers being on the losing end of it, and I thought it was there for the taking tonight.”

Diamondqueen chalk up their second win of the season as they finally meet a team accommodating enough to let Auburn Weber basically do what she wants. Step forward, the Saints and the apparently rapid decline of Olaf Womack, who can only clip Weber’s heels a few times rather than properly put studs through her like the Womack of a year or two ago. Weber scores the first herself, a lovely strike from just outside the box that hits the stanchion, before the Saints hit back with Berisha’s belated first of the season. Unfortunately, the Diamonds’ winners carry some fortune behind them, specifically the fortune of 20-year old Saints defender Dragora Steelhenge. She missed a crucial covering tackle to give Kowalczyk a free shot which he gratefully lashed past Koufax before a slack pass straight to Weber allowed her to slip Kowalczyk through on goal. Koufax did extremely well to parry… only as far as Franz Kesteren, who sidefooted home his first Premiership goal. Aragon stood by her faith in Steelhenge, which came under severe scrutiny post-match, but the Saints are not in a good way. Brinemouth’s winless run extends to three as the Rule of the Ex comes into full effect, former Dockers Scannell and Blondel shutting them down in goal and in midfield, substitute Roxana Coffey scoring two minutes after coming on at the hour mark and Darren Crinion inadvertently blocking a shot off the line with his groin in stoppage time, securing a place for himself in Cardinals folklore. River’s great run of form continues as they blow Corvette away 4-1, Kaukenas now with five goals in the two games since his suspension even if, upon closer inspection, his towering header to put away Tenenbaum’s cross having been made with the aid of, uh, pulling himself up using a fistful of Hedwig Schelin’s hair. Schelin, understandably, two-footed him in the dying stages of the game and was sent off for it. Meanwhile, Coret have been plagued by their usual inconsistency after a promising start but they’ll go home elated with a 1-0 away win over Athletic, the rock-solid central defensive partnership of Santana and Valkanis immense throughout, refusing to take any bullshit from Athletic’s fluid front three while Lethbridge saved a sixth-minute Rainsford penalty, denying her the chance at her first goal of the season. Adding to the sense of turning a corner, Trifon Draxler’s powerful shot through a crowd of legs sees him with his first goal of the season as he finally seems to be living up to his potential.

After all those nice things about the Hawks, they’re genuinely fucking terrible against Chatswood. Harper and Antonio each score one with rare chances, but they just can’t get the ball that far - but Cohen’s stooping header provides her first goal of the season to equalise, Schuster and Corsie pile on the goals, and though Antonio hits back minutes after the second half restarts Cohen gets her second of the season, slipped through by Vickers (who’d been felled by a powerful shunt from Santana but flicked the ball through), stumbling with her first touch but bundling the ball past Lethbridge. Bishop are unbeaten in six, with four wins, and nobody wants to fight them now. Nobody, that is, except the seemingly indomitable River. It’s a terrible game, in all honesty, but it’s settled with a peach of a Lucius Kaspian corner that’s headed home by none other than ‘Could Use A’ Diette Daleiden, who delivers a titanic performance in defence. Isla Safarova’s problems multiply as another six goals fly past Olivia Selkie, Crisisbless away giving her plenty of tests, and there’s the suspicion that she might not be up to it, that tossing a bunch of under-21 players straight into the fire might have been a step too far and that, at 35, Alexander Soarhaven might be reaching the end. Certainly when put under such constant pressure. “It’s a project here, and I won’t be rushed,” said Safarova sniffily. Another project in Dragora Steelhenge puts her doubters to shame with a player of the match performance against Morningstar, a rock in defence before rising for a late Rademacher corner and heading it past Hawthorn in stoppage time for a valuable Saints win. At the sharp end of the table, the unstoppable force of Moths are pegged back by Treason’s temporarily immovable object, Alexander Lopes in particular rolling back the years to stifle Meier and Vicelich, Svensson a rock as ever in defence, Fletcher and Griffin fantastic between the posts. Oh yeah, and Starling can only draw at home with Extreme Hills. Say what you will about Hills, they’ve been surprisingly… not shit, this season, with Rudan’s cross weakly cleared by Orsay and falling to Garrido, who made no mistake from inside the box.

The big Sabrefell teams survive to reach the Champions’ Cup, but don’t do a lot after having made it. The Moths get a decent but disappointing point at home in a second straight goalless draw, a weary-looking Athletic get edged out by Lonngeylin Coast, and there’s not terribly much to talk about in either game.

Sadly, rather more to talk about here. Starling get fucking rinsed by the Golden Eagles, Crisisbless lose to Electrumite side Farleigh-Warburton, Brinemouth can’t beat whatever a Hoxford United’s meant to be… literally the only Nepharim side to win internationally are the Harriers, and they’re the side with the hardest opponent of all! Away, no less! The Harriers relished the chance to just sit back and absorb pressure for once, more or less ceded half the field and then hit hard on the counter with four runners at once. Both sides threatened, but the Harriers made the breakthrough when Evans powered home a header off a corner and then Feist found himself on the end of a flowing counter to sweep home.

All eyes on the Sabrefell derby, but first, get the other stuff out of the way. North Laithland almost steal a result from the Harriers, but 33-year old Peta-Gaye West shows she isn’t past it by scoring twice in the last half-hour of the game since her arrival from the bench. “This one’s to all the fuckers who said we lacked forward depth!” she bellowed after the match. Well, that’s left egg on our face. Corvette almost steal a result from Bishop, except they actually do with a beautiful 30-yard strike from Nadine Mateus, often criticised for a lack of dynamism, that livens up an otherwise terrible game. A vital three points. A reeling Morningstar will be grateful for Henrique Lopez’s late winner to take them past a reeling Creed United, too. Newrook City, Hills and Brookford almost steal results from River, the Chariots and Brinemouth, except not actually because each of them concedes five goals and scores none, one and one in reply. Treason show a controversial lack of ambition as they bruise through Crisisbless, and Allison Swan is taken out of the game with an injury dealt him by a brutalist Vedran Tarashaj challenge in the 20th minute - adding insult to injury, Tarashaj’s beautiful flicked header into the top corner puts Treason up just eight minutes later. But karma’s a bitch, and so, apparently, is Irsa Croxteth, who substituted in for Swan, with her heavily deflected shot equalising for the Heelers. Thankfully, their key midfielder wasn’t too badly hurt, though will miss two or three weeks. And then, yes, finally, the elephant in the room; the Sabrefell derby. It’s one-sided, bluntly, with the Moths just bigger, faster, stronger, better, in every position. Meier’s early goal shellshocks Athletic, who had in the first ten minutes at least managed to keep possession well enough but from that point on they’re a mess, with Serra netting in first half stoppage time and yes, of course it’s Aaliyah Johnson to administer the coup de grace, sidefooting through Gautier’s legs from eight yards after being set up by Vicelich. A real statement of intent from the Moths.

First Round and, as ever, Third Division and the semi-professional Conference sides clash. A lot of crazy things, as ever, happen. Five sides enter for the first time, with the Pravenna Saints - off to a mediocre but floating start in the fourth tier - crashing Conference promotion favourites, the ex-Corinthians, 4-0 with a raucously-celebrated brace from 35-year old former Pravenna international Theseus Barbarouses, once of Project +90 and Islander side Upper Skyforce. Corvistone City were also warmly applauded for a 2-0 win over Rochford Pilgrims, a well-liked side with, unsurprisingly, a lot of immigrants in their side. Brackwold, Solitaire and Brokenarch were less fortunate. Solitaire, a south Sabrefell-based side whose origin traces back to a travelling performing arts troupe, will feel aggrieved at losing to the newly-rebranded Rangers to a late, probably offside tap-in. A lot of games are far less even, though, and it’s worth noting Lazuli Diamonds’ 5-0 trashing of the Fully Sick XI - well, the Fully Sick IX after a couple of late, frustrated red cards - and supposed relegation candidates in Ringway obliterating Grovebank 9-0. 9-0! The kind of scoreline that gets called a ‘statement of intent’ and underlines a strong early run of form from the Third Division side.

Sweeping past Chatswood in a routine 3-1 win, the Moths break three points clear at the top. Scoring a faintly cartoonish 35 goals has helped pad their goal difference nicely, as well. Athletic haven’t been the most consistent club in the world, and have just lost three and drawn one of their last four in all competitions, but they are able to fucking pulverise Crisisbless 3-0, as Raven River lose 2-1 to Brookford, dislodging both from the Moths’ tail. The chasing pack are more or less as expected, with Starling (beating Morningstar 2-0), Treason (a surprisingly close 2-1 against Hills), Brinemouth (edging the Hawks 2-1 away) and the Harriers (leaving it ‘til stoppage time before a powerful Ruhl header breaks down Parrhesia) round out the UICA places while the Hawks and Athletic are narrowly on the outside looking in. Bishop have had a number of eyecatching results, not least a 3-0 win over North Laithland, once again orchestrated by Karlene Sitz, that secures their place in tenth after a pretty terrible start to the season. Creed and Vermillion will be disappointed to merely be described as ‘rounding out the top half’ after decent wins, but that’s where they are.

Despite their defeat, Extreme Hills sit smugly in 14th, putting a middle finger up to their doubters, with Serpentine and Southfell also probably pretty happy to be out of the relegation scrap at present. Still, it’s very close at the bottom, and they could so easily be sucked in. Wins for Brookford and Violence, an intense 2-1 dogfight over Diamondqueen in which both sides simply lacked finishing power, paper somewhat over the bumpy ride that their respective rebuilding efforts have proven, while a fairly poor Saints vintage doesn’t have that excuse and has already put pressure over Miriam Aragon’s head. Newrook are locked scoreless with Corvette at 80 minutes, then on comes Alessa Marconi and a cracking finish and beautiful through-ball for the incisive Bothroyd later they’ve won a crunch match 2-0 to duck away from the relegation places, currently occupied by a surprisingly porous Chatswood, a shockingly porous Morningstar, a predictably porous Corvette and an alarmingly porous Diamondqueen, all of whom lose. Still, Newrook’s season thus far can best be described by the fact that Maladict Farrell, who has scored precisely once in the last eleven games (in the 5-0 stomping of Chatswood), remains their top scorer. They need to coax more out of Bothroyd and some consistency from Senturk, while it seems like Fenwick’s slowing dangerously. These problems pale compared to the gaping flaws in those below…

Nothing too out of the ordinary in a fairly as-expected start to the First Division season. Cranequin Wanderers have raced to the head of the division, with 21-year old forward Dakota Blaylock - in his first run of regular starts - racing to the top of the goalscoring charts with ten goals so far as Voula Logothettis’ side won seven of their first eight. Rather jarringly, the one defeat so far, in the middle of that streak, was to get pumped 4-0 by AFC Corvistone. The Crows, now 6th, rather stuttered at first but have been in strong form ever since that win, as Krista Morham and Robby Stanford in particular have taken to their new settings like ducks to water. Leichhardt have also been in strong form, winning their first seven matches (a streak ended by the Wanderers, 1-0 through a Blaylock goal) while South Laithland and Maximum Rovers have sort of staggered into the remaining promotion places almost by default, just through being broadly capable without any really impressive results. Well, the Rovers just got pasted 5-0 by a Maher-inspired Crisisbless United, so that’s impressive in one way.

Incidentally, they drew 1-1 with the Smiths in the first ever second-tier Maximum derby, a rare Kurtis Woodbine goal (a 30-yard piledriver past Aldous) cancelled out by an increasingly common Corona Sharpe tap-in. Sharpe’s scored half of the Smiths’ ten goals as they languish in midtable. Also rather unhappily stranded in the middle of the table are Belgrave, who look unsettled back in the second tier’s physicality, and West Brinemouth, already a side who couldn’t score in a brothel and now, missing the top scorer of the last two seasons in Kunigunde Almerich, have managed a staggering seven goals, equal-lowest in the division. Very happy with being stranded in midtable, you suspect, are Rochford and East Laithland. The Owls just look sturdy and capable at this level, a 3-0 win over North Sabrefell especially eye-catching, with wingers Colette Proudfoot and Nathan Proctor exploding into form suddenly and the holding midfielders Candlestick and Commoner managing to clamp sides down for pure finisher Martane to administer the killing blows (he’s on seven goals thus far). The Harriers haven’t really looked impressive, or even good, but they’ve found their way to four wins, four draws and 13th place one way or another. New goalkeeper Stamocostas looks the real deal under the tests his strained defence routinely puts him under, while Rowena Sierra’s been lethal down the right flank.

At the wrong end of the table, though it’s very close - Coret Rovers are three points away from 19th-place Iron City, with a superior goal difference - Armstrong will be distinctly disappointed to be 18th, but simply have not clicked in any way and it seems at times that Catrine Kisel is the only thing holding them together. Iron City are another stalwart of the second tier who will be disappointed to be in trouble, while Hackett will be content to have their heads above water despite a difficult start for goalkeeper Sorenholm. In the danger zone, Crossroads aren’t doing too much wrong but lack a bit of quality with Laura Weiler yet to really fire, Shale unable to fire at all, Cranequin City haemorrhaging defensively despite their quality and Coret Rovers just not quite seeming to get the rub of the green.

Catheline Harper’s Rovers are brutalising the competition, playing with quick, powerful football, and find themselves on a run of five straight wins. Riverkey, Locksley and Stonegrave currently round out the top four and were more or less expected to be in and around it, but it’s incredibly tight. Still, Pillars of Southfell currently languishing 14th isn’t a good look, though they are just five points from the promotion places. They’ve simply struggled too much with intensity in the final third, and may need a shakeup up front. Still, with how close things are, it’s difficult to draw many conclusions - except that newly-promoted Peregrine, who were tipped for mid-table safety but find themselves adrift in last place with 35 goals flying past three goalkeepers. The current guy is 19-year old Bran Forsyth, after the injury of the two senior goalkeepers. They need to pick themselves up, and fast.

Surprisingly, Gonen’s Bridge are on track for consecutive promotions, joined by ambitious Alliance Barossia and the two Ceynes sides. They’re not joined, for all the big talk, by Chardonnay Rangers, who languish in ninth. The bottom four are at risk of being cut somewhat adrift following a remarkable 2-0 away win for 20th-placed Downsparrow over Ox River, and a genuinely awful Fischer side have lost their last ten, remaining winless all season.

PREMIERSHIP

Pos Team                      P  W  D  L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Sabrefell Moths          12  9  2  1  35  12  +23  29
  2 Crisisbless              12  8  2  2  29  13  +16  26
  3 Raven River              12  8  2  2  27  11  +16  26
  4 Starling                 12  7  3  2  26  13  +13  24
  5 AFC Treason              12  7  3  2  26  13  +13  24
  6 Brinemouth               12  7  3  2  21  13   +8  24
  7 Chenoworth Harriers      12  6  4  2  22  13   +9  22
  8 Coret Hawks              12  6  3  3  30  22   +8  21
  9 Sabrefell Athletic       12  6  2  4  26  18   +8  20
 10 Bishop                   12  6  2  4  16   8   +8  20
 11 Creed United             12  6  1  5  13  17   -4  19
 12 Vermillion Rage          12  5  3  4  25  17   +8  18
 13 AFC Serpentine           12  4  2  6  15  21   -6  14
 14 Extreme Hills            12  4  2  6  19  29  -10  14
 15 Violence Chariots        12  4  2  6  21  33  -12  14
 16 Southfell United         12  4  1  7  15  21   -6  13
 17 Brookford Otters         12  4  1  7  14  21   -7  13
 18 North Laithland          12  4  0  8  17  25   -8  12
 19 Parrhesia United         12  3  2  7  20  25   -5  11
 20 Newrook City             12  3  1  8  16  26  -10  10
 21 Chatswood                12  3  1  8  10  23  -13  10
 22 Morningstar              12  2  3  7  13  28  -15   9
 23 Corvette Maulers         12  2  2  8  13  30  -17   8
 24 Diamondqueen             12  2  1  9  17  34  -17   7

FIRST DIVISION

Pos Team                          P  W  D  L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Cranequin Wanderers          12  8  3  1  25  12  +13  27
  2 Leichhardt                   12  8  2  2  19   7  +12  26
  3 South Laithland              12  6  4  2  19  12   +7  22
  4 Maximum Rovers               12  6  3  3  15  12   +3  21
  5 Sheridan                     12  5  5  2  14   8   +6  20
  6 AFC Corvistone               12  5  5  2  16  11   +5  20
  7 North Sabrefell              12  5  3  4  16  13   +3  18
  8 Cypher Town                  12  5  3  4  13  11   +2  18
  9 Goodfeather FC               12  5  3  4  15  15   +0  18
 10 Rochford                     12  4  5  3  13   9   +4  17
 11 Crisisbless United           12  5  2  5  21  19   +2  17
 12 Maximum City                 12  4  5  3  10  10   +0  17
 13 East Laithland Harriers      12  4  4  4  12  14   -2  16
 14 Belgrave                     12  4  3  5  16  18   -2  15
 15 Vermillion Wanderers         12  4  3  5  10  13   -3  15
 16 West Brinemouth              12  3  6  3   7  10   -3  15
 17 Ritter Town                  12  4  2  6  13  11   +2  14
 18 Armstrong                    12  3  4  5   9  12   -3  13
 19 Iron City                    12  3  3  6  11  18   -7  12
 20 Hackett                      12  3  3  6  13  23  -10  12
 21 Crossroads Town              12  3  1  8  12  18   -6  10
 22 AFC Shale                    12  3  1  8   7  15   -8  10
 23 Cranequin City               12  2  4  6  13  23  -10  10
 24 Coret Rovers                 12  2  3  7  13  18   -5   9

SECOND DIVISION

Pos Team                       P  W  D  L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Chenoworth Rovers         12  9  1  2  19   9  +10  28
  2 Riverkey                  12  8  1  3  19   8  +11  25
  3 Locksley                  12  7  2  3  15  12   +3  23
  4 Stonegrave                12  7  1  4  21   9  +12  22
  5 Greygate                  12  6  3  3  20  11   +9  21
  6 Mantlegrove               12  6  3  3  22  16   +6  21
  7 South Parrhesia           12  6  3  3  13   8   +5  21
  8 Iron United               12  6  2  4  13  12   +1  20
  9 The Strongest             12  6  2  4  19  20   -1  20
 10 West Hook                 12  5  3  4  12  12   +0  18
 11 Crisisbless Athletic      12  5  2  5  26  15  +11  17
 12 Sutcroft                  12  5  2  5  13  13   +0  17
 13 Southriver                12  4  5  3  13  14   -1  17
 14 Pillars of Southfell      12  5  2  5  11  13   -2  17
 15 Kommissar                 12  4  3  5  12  13   -1  15
 16 Barossia United           12  4  2  6  11  11   +0  14
 17 The Hanged Man            12  4  2  6  10  13   -3  14
 18 Strephonage               12  3  4  5   9  12   -3  13
 19 Martella Jazz             12  3  3  6  10  12   -2  12
 20 Brindleton                12  2  5  5  16  21   -5  11
 21 Boleyn Town               12  3  2  7   8  13   -5  11
 22 Kensey Town               12  3  2  7  13  25  -12  11
 23 Dartmouth Terriers        12  3  1  8  10  18   -8  10
 24 Peregrine                 12  1  2  9  10  35  -25   5

THIRD DIVISION

Pos Team                     P  W  D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Gonen's Bridge          12  9  1   2  21  10  +11  28
  2 Alliance Barossia       12  7  4   1  20   9  +11  25
  3 Falston Town            12  8  1   3  29  20   +9  25
  4 Falston United          12  7  2   3  17   8   +9  23
  5 Dross Rovers            12  7  2   3  20  13   +7  23
  6 Ox River United         12  6  3   3  18  13   +5  21
  7 Lazuli Diamonds         12  6  2   4  27  17  +10  20
  8 Long Lake               12  6  2   4  19  12   +7  20
  9 Chardonnay Rangers      12  5  5   2  14   8   +6  20
 10 Ringway                 12  5  3   4  14  17   -3  18
 11 Mapleford               12  5  2   5  17  22   -5  17
 12 Rushe United            12  4  4   4  18  14   +4  16
 13 Gridlock Rovers         12  4  4   4  20  20   +0  16
 14 FC Seierstad            12  4  4   4  14  14   +0  16
 15 Ballardine FC           12  4  4   4  17  19   -2  16
 16 Sutcroft Athletic       12  4  3   5  21  16   +5  15
 17 Gosmouth Swans          12  4  3   5  20  20   +0  15
 18 Pravenna Saints         12  4  3   5  10  13   -3  15
 19 Fenland Albion          12  4  2   6  13  21   -8  14
 20 Downsparrow             12  4  1   7  13  26  -13  13
 21 Iberia Chenoworth       12  2  3   7  18  24   -6   9
 22 Brookway Town           12  2  3   7  18  26   -8   9
 23 Bodkin Road             12  1  2   9  10  28  -18   5
 24 Fischer                 12  0  1  11   8  26  -18   1

CONFERENCE WEST

Pos Team                        P  W  D  L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Boltcroft Thorns           12  7  3  2  28  14  +14  24
  2 Bellamy                    12  6  4  2  19  12   +7  22
  3 AFC Brackwold              12  5  6  1  18   9   +9  21
  4 Gridlock                   12  5  6  1  15  10   +5  21
  5 Courser                    12  6  2  4  22  16   +6  20
  6 Brokenarch                 12  5  5  2  18  15   +3  20
  7 Fully Sick XI              12  6  2  4  25  23   +2  20
  8 Corinthians No Longer      12  4  7  1  17  13   +4  19
  9 Grovebank                  12  4  7  1  15  14   +1  19
 10 Sirencall FC               12  5  3  4  25  22   +3  18
 11 Stonesthrow Town           12  4  3  5  16  17   -1  15
 12 Capricopia Rangers         12  3  6  3  16  17   -1  15
 13 Swag Hill Rovers           12  4  2  6  20  20   +0  14
 14 Gridlock East              12  4  2  6  12  18   -6  14
 15 Nay Town                   12  1  9  2  12  12   +0  12
 16 Harrington                 12  3  2  7   9  14   -5  11
 17 Tryst Athletic             12  3  2  7   9  22  -13  11
 18 Norton Road                12  2  3  7  10  20  -10   9
 19 Sleetwell Rangers          12  2  2  8  14  22   -8   8
 20 Forge Carpenters           12  1  4  7   6  16  -10   7

CONFERENCE EAST

Pos Team                    P  W  D  L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Rochford Pilgrims      12  8  2  2  31  17  +14  26
  2 Stamper Road           12  7  3  2  28  12  +16  24
  3 Hartford Glade         12  7  3  2  25  12  +13  24
  4 Blaze                  12  7  2  3  24   9  +15  23
  5 Corvistone City        12  6  5  1  21  10  +11  23
  6 Violence Tigers        12  6  3  3  16  14   +2  21
  7 Brunyard FC            12  5  4  3  15   8   +7  19
  8 Sandrock               12  5  3  4  13  13   +0  18
  9 Rookwall               12  5  2  5  14  13   +1  17
 10 Twelvetrees            12  5  2  5  11  13   -2  17
 11 Senway Town            12  5  2  5  22  25   -3  17
 12 The Travellers FC      12  4  4  4  13  14   -1  16
 13 Aries Solitaire        12  4  1  7  22  21   +1  13
 14 Masculine Town         12  4  1  7  18  25   -7  13
 15 Coral Bay              12  2  6  4  15  17   -2  12
 16 South Brill            12  3  3  6  10  14   -4  12
 17 Celebryant FC          12  3  3  6  14  21   -7  12
 18 Mainstream Fist        12  3  2  7  14  35  -21  11
 19 Corby Hubris           12  1  5  6   9  17   -8   8
 20 Lackerrun              12  2  0 10  15  40  -25   6

by **Nephara** » Thu Oct 12, 2017 3:14 pm

Disappointing defeats for the Sabrefell teams, with Athletic’s limp home defeat particular cause for concern. Sometimes, there just isn’t much more you can say than that. The right teams won.

Disappointingly, the Passerines’ once-legendary defensive discipline melts against Sokojiwa, and they succumb to a 4-2 loss at home with Justinian Hargrave uncharacteristically shaky. Crisisbless come up against Claudia Cautcher, but it’s her partner Tathtaure, former 50-goal scourge of the Cenileague, that gets the first goal - Elsie Drover thumping a piledriver against the post, but Marciak’s dived for it and is helpless to stop Tathtaure’s follow-up. But in the second half, the Heelers fight back, in some style. It starts with Marciak’s brilliant fingertip save from a rocket from… Rocket, like Alex Rocket, that’s his name, but Crisisbless storm back in the second half with goals from Jevdjevic-Hadsix, Swan and a brilliant poach from Drenas that goes through the Pasargan legs of both defender Fosse and goalkeeper Shalhoub. Drenas’ former club, RGS Athletic, sees a similar story… in reverse. Scotti’s powerful header is too hot for Nepharim goalkeeper and fringe international Jason Petratos to handle, but early in the second half Osbaldo Bevan levels the scores and in the last ten minutes Ybarra cuts inside of Roenoujya and shoots across Vintner into the bottom corner. Twice. Well-deserved win for RGS. Chenoworth are tripped up by the Blue Lions in a disappointing draw that feels far more two points dropped than one gained, but a sparky performance from 19-year old Katja Christensen lightens up the game.

A 4-3 scoreline can mean a lot of things. When Brookford, for example, went to Corvette and won by that scoreline, it meant that maybe these teams were not good at defending. The way that Brookford gave away the opener, with Ursa Dimitar fucking passing straight to Corvalan for some reason, may have accentuated it, but then Levi Rainwall did concede two own goals. By contrast, Brinemouth 4-3 Vermillion was a genuine display of attacking elan and skill, and even goalkeepers Vintner and Clement still made some outstanding saves each. The Rage were strong, but Brinemouth’s very aggressive and talented midfield overpowered them, Stig Soederquist the star as he strode forward freely from midfield with substitutes Drinkwater and Kuralay providing the equaliser and then winner. Hell, the mere fact that World Cup winner Marijana Kuralay is a substitute, in isolation, emphasises the Dockers’ depth. Elsewhere, a resolute performance from Saints defender Steelhenge gave Parrhesia a much-needed clean sheet against North Laithland, while a start given to Quinn McEthinly was rewarded with a goal - Swanhilda Berisha finishing them off in stoppage time. Olaf Womack may be declining, but he thoroughly put Gazzincha in his place throughout. Chatswood also picked up an unlikely victory over Crisisbless, as did Newrook away over Bishop, while Diamondqueen rewards Karel Jonason with a start between the posts and the former Brinemouth goalkeeper rewards the Diamonds, in turn, with eight saves as Diamond fluke a 1-1 draw with the Stags. Perhaps that’s unfair, given that Kesteren’s equaliser was a genuine stunner, volleying a solid Svensson clearance right back where it came from, with interest.

Chatswood win a second successive home game 2-0, though it’s true that it being against Hills is a lot less impressive than against Crisisbless - even so, Bruno Hawke appears to have calmed down his defence, with Joan Vickers finally lighting into form with goals in four straight games, goalshy Cohen netting the second here. Crisisbless lose their third straight in the league as they’re outplayed by an intense, powerful Southfell, Vasilis Nikas again proving an unlikely hero with his now-trademark thumping shots from outside the box, but it’s Miranda Gail’s pace that is the undoing of Crisisbless in the end. She took a bit to bed into the league, but with a midfield full of passing range behind her and a bit more nous, she’s really learned to stretch defences - with excellent releases from Nikas and Schwarzer she nets a second-half brace, and hits a post in stoppage time on top of that. “We’re in a bad moment,” Portia Thrift admits, and visits to Falourr and Brinemouth are next on the itinerary. Speaking of Brinemouth, they force the Moths into a midfield battle that they were always going to win, Soederquist, Conjure and Candelo each outstanding and very, very fluid, but Kyron Bartley’s the eventual man of the match. In the eighth minute his constant pressing on Lux Vicelich, forcing an uncharateristically nervous leftback further and further back, pays dividends - she’s forced into a poor pass back to Griffin that gets only halfway to him, Bartley intercepts and cuts back to Scotti and Pablo Scotti does not miss chances like that. Bartley scores a far-post header himself later on before Solara Vol’s beautiful arcing header restores some hope, but then Conjure finishes the Moths off with a stunning volley from the edge of the box. As for Brookford, well, they went to Bishop and had Ursa Dimitar sent off within six (6!) minutes for a brutal challenge on Karlene Sitz. Sitz insisted she was fine, swung in the free kick and the giant Crinion was there to finish it. Then what happened? Well, what could Brookford do but continue to stretch forward on the attack? What could Bishop do but repeatedly counterpunch them in the fucking face? It ended 7-1. Hestia Canaan’s first job in management appears to be hanging by a thread, not even a third of the way onto the season.

The Moths will be stunned at not putting away the Stallions, but journeyman goalkeeper Bram Merchant has the game of his life, beating away shot after shot after shot and commanding the air from the Moths’ trademark bombard of crosses. Johnson, of course, does eventually slip one past them, but a young, irrepressible side takes the initiative after a triple-substution on the hour, with Griffin Riordan’s shot saved by Robert Griffin, Weaver sliding in to block Carsten Vincent’s follow-up, it falls to Redweald who passes neatly to substitute Keighran who hits a cross back in, Weaver and Riordan slam into each other and Vincent more or less shins it into the net. Athletic slip down within five minutes of the opening whistle when Zwangzug international defender Leslie Applebaum heads a corner down and hard beyond Gautier, but Athletic are at least worth the point they get through, predictably, an Oscar Coltrane solo effort.

Good results in the Globe Cup. Fabio Puccini’s ripper of a volley really sets the cat amongst the pigeons, but Lisa Amos’ young, aggressive Starling knows how to fight back, and does so. Seth Veloz gives away a penalty when he scythes down Andisori, subsequently saves it but can do nothing when the rebound falls to Malachi Gallagher, and a Gallagher header into the top corner and a Liam Armstrong piledriver finish the Audioslavs off. Crisisbless make short work of the mighty Falourr away, in a mixed performance for Nepharim - Jevdjevic-Hadsic’s goal comes after nutmegging Ryan Theuer and Tsattalios is beaten at his near post by Ozaria Gandhi. Fontvielle against Brinemouth is a wonderfully straightforward battle of the strikers - Baume scores twice in the first half, Scotti replies twice in the second. The Harriers host Reinhard Shale’s Cornellians and Brosque unapologetically shuts the game down, Kutris brutalising Jade Irwin at every opportunity, the match eventually settled when Mirzayev’s speculatively long and comically high ball over the top was pounced on by Ruhl, who smashed an amazing volley past McNott where surely the laws of physics dictated it should have gone into the Endemian Ocean.

A genuinely maddening game as the suspicion that the Spiders aren’t worthy representatives of Nephara rears its head. Despite being away, the Spiders dominate possession - despite being home, Pajukas lets them. They’re confident they have the defensive discipline to keep them at bay, with the extremely reliable Scott Burton having a peerless performance at the back and Garon Gularis making a couple of sharp saves from efforts by Tsikitsiris and Vanderlei to change the game from outside the box. They’re right. And then, in the 81st minute, Rousseau carves open the Spiders’ defence with an inch-perfect long ball, Ekhard Gustloff gets on the end of it and fires low and hard past a helpless Sinstadt, ignoring pressure from Kendrick. Pajukas can feel happy they’ve done the re-emerging Top Division proud. North Laithland… should drop Gazzincha.

Rumblings of ‘Canaan out’ have escalated to a roar, but it only seems to have reinforced the young manager’s nerve. She makes the bold call of changing most of a first-choice lineup she admitted previously to the game was looking “jaded” and joked (... possibly) that she figured Dimitar got herself sent off just for the chance at a rest, having started every game thus far. Danira Plibersek has played every minute, though, and it’s her mazy run and brilliant chip of the stranded Summersteen that puts the Otters ahead, before Monroe’s cross takes a glancing deflection off Rivello’s toe and Cantra Duprey does brilliantly, with a reflexive drag of the foot enough to fluke the ball into the net. Maladict Farrell breaks his goal drought with a strike at the other end but it’s not enough to prevent a vital three points. The Moths immediately swing back into rhythm, pulverising River 3-0 away. Possibly related: Daleiden was pictured buying a currywurst from a street vendor in full training kit. It’s an off day for the Ferrymen in general and there’s no response to the wingers Townsend and Meier, with Johnson pouncing on everything that gets to her. At the bottom of the table, Chatswood are now three games without conceding after an away goalless draw against Diamondqueen, both sides quietly improving after abject starts to the season, Karel Jonason adding calm between the Diamonds’ posts and Dario Pavlovic looking assured in defence after adapting to the daunting leap up from the Legaskari.

Enter the First and Second Division sides, and a hell of a lot of mismatches as a result. Both Corvistone sides make it through, the Crows bringing a full-strength side to bear against South Laithland and coming away with a 3-2 win with Robby Stanford’s class in front of goal shining through, Corvistone City more impressively enduring the hammerblows of third-tier The Strongest before striking back through local lad Martin Brink, a Euran contractor who came over for the construction job and an aerial terror of the Conference East. For other narratives, Chardonnay Rangers’ ambitious charge back to relevance is cut short by a 4-0 demolition at home from Iron United, while miniscule Stonesthrow Town from the Conference East take down lofty Chenoworth Rovers 1-0 in front of four hundred and twenty (nice) ecstatic fans. More optimistically, Barossia United’s revitalisation begins with a 6-0 annihilation of Sirencall while Pravenna’s ancient hero Barbarouses comes off the bench to head home an extra time winner away against Dartmouth. There’s a few thrashings, of course, with Vermillion Wanderers taking apart The Travellers 7-0 and, surprisingly, lowly Kensey Town from the Second Division taking time away from their busy relegation battle to head to the south coast and pump Gosmouth from the tier below 8-0. But a lot of the remaining so-called ‘minnows’ put up good fights as well - Third Division strugglers Seierstad visit North Sabrefell and take them to extra time and third-tier Southriver put out Belgrave in extra time. And a couple of the second-tier ‘glamour’ sides are just, well, punchlines - West Brinemouth’s toothless attack does manage a single goal from Hurriston against fellow Brinemouth side West Hook, but they miss all three penalties while their third-tier struggler opponents put their three away. Finally, Cranequin City vs. Iron City is just genuinely one of the worst games in the Cup’s history as two sides stuck at the wrong end of the league bring disinterested B-lists against one another. It’s the Terracotta Army, in the end, that is marginally less bad at penalties, Alexandru Zaparas making two fine saves before Knights captain Francesca Scougall sends her attempt into near-earth orbit.

The first rumblings of “Maria Out”, though it’s unclear how much manager Kartakoullis can do with this squad. She’s already dropped the gloomy Gazzincha for the energetic Webster, who chalks up an assist within five minutes, a brilliant pass cutting open Burton and Simkus and it’s a chance that Deborah Stokes converts into a rare goal, and she triples her goal tally for the season with a deflected shot twelve minutes later. So they’ve got this? Nope. Klukas, a raw and decidedly streaky young striker, is hurled on late on and makes the most of his chance, rifling home from the edge of the box after Serjeant failed to put sufficient pressure on him. Pajukas deservedly progress on away goals, despite a late Spiders flurry undercut by their appalling finishing. Muted cheers for Rune Haldenstadt as he makes his first appearance since the MCL injury for the final 15 minutes, but he can’t change the game - and a half-fit 32-year old replacing a lively and finally clinical Stokes on a hat-trick isn’t a popular substitution, either. Treason, embracing its new Buyanese connection and never giving up an opportunity to stick the boot into the Spiders at a low ebb, congratulates Pajukas on Twitter.

A very spicy clash between Chatswood and Morningstar, a west vs. south Treason derby that’s never really been a thing before. It is now, after Emery Lineker strikes blood before the match. Asked about her prospective opponents, she breezily replied; “Bruno Hawke’s done a great job of making a poor man’s version of my Chatswood side.” Hawke shot back; “The poor man’s version of Lineker’s Chatswood is Lineker’s Morningstar. Now there’s a proper team of joyless bastards, and we’ll show them what they’re missing on the Saturday. Well, they do exactly that; Morningstar must know they’re fucked when even Tzipporah Cohen scores a goal, the lanky striker left all but unmarked as Machan finds her with an excellent high cross, and seven minutes later she heads another Machan cross back across goal for Joan Vickers to bundle in. Morningstar hit back in style, a brilliant solo run from Karo Vanstrattan culminating in her lashing the ball past an unimpressed Alphonse, but it’s Chatswood’s day; Gary Corsie lashes a vicious shot against the crossbar and it bounces perfectly for substitute Kenneth Thorn to half-volley the ball into the ground at goal, and a wicked bounce takes it past a scrambling Malta Hawthorn. Morningstar have now lost five straight, albeit in a tough fixture list. The managers did not shake hands, Lineker striding straight down the tunnel. In her words? “I just feel bad for Chatswood’s fans. I love the club, that’s no secret, and it’ll be a shame to see ‘em back in the First Division next year.” Ahhh, that’s our Emery. In other news, the Moths pulverise Corvette 5-1 but Brinemouth do even better, laying waste to Extreme Hills as Pablo Scotti scores four, a perfect first-half hattrick plus a second-half chip (Tournay should’ve done better, stranded in no man’s land) in the 52nd minute. Makhone Djite doesn’t make many friends when he celebrates his goal for a good three seconds before realising that it’s the second goal in a 2-7 loss at home in the 89th minute and maybe nobody cares. It’s the big man’s first of the season, at least. That’s… something.

Football can be such a cruel game - hero one day, villain the next. In this case, it’s Bram Merchant in the latter camp, as he takes the ball in his feet, charges upfield… suddenly sees Solara Vol charging the other way, turns and is bulldozed aside by the Mriinternational forward, who has the simplest job in the world to just slam it into the net and settle a dreary, physical game played in a mild downpour. Athletic remain winless after a similarly dreary 1-0 defeat on home territory to Excelsior, and there’s disquiet in the stands.

Starling complete the double over the Gialloneri, Padilla’s exquisite chip over Veloz showcasing his class. Crisisbless, meanwhile, utterly smash Falourr again, Theuer talking a lot pregame about how he’s looking forward to going back to Nephara. It doesn’t last long since he’s sent off for hacking down Gandhi after 32 minutes. Gandhi limps off but her replacement, Tregajorran, nets the opener on the verge of half-time, Swan and young fullback substitute Amelia Warner finish them off in the second half. Brinemouth dominate possession against an athletic, well-drilled Fontvielle but can’t turn it into a win. The Harriers visit Lochend and Shale’s men get their revenge in a superior performance. A brilliant flowing move from the Harriers leads to Bonifacio Sanna passing the ball into the net, but this referee is far less leniant than in the home leg and books Kutris for muscling Irwin to the ground - adding insult to injury, the fringe Nephara international promptly shoves the free kick into the net. Cornellians dominate the second half, Mercury almost sets Koromin clear with a through-ball that is brilliantly intercepted by a sliding Francesca Marquon but they can’t be stopped, as Kit Kvanderwyk drives a shot past a stranded Sheffield in the 90th minute to deliver the home side a deserved three points.

Boom. Hear that? That was the sound of Diamondqueen’s belated arrival in the Premiership. Only took seventeen matches, but now they know the satisfaction that pretty much every team’s found out one way or another of going to Brinemouth and coming away with a scarcely deserved win, Karel Jonason - a Brinemouth youth product with a grim face throughout - unstoppable between the posts and Danil Kowalczyk finding some space just outside the net and rattling a powerful drive into the top corner, Vintner motionless. Brookford get somewhat back on track with a 3-1 win over Coret, just far more intense, quicker to every ball, as the Hawks seem weirdly diffident and pay for it. Damian Harbour’s all-action approach, tussling and battling for literally any scrap he got in the box, exemplified a performance that has quietened the calls for Hestia Canaan’s head. Not quite silenced them. The Saints, thanks in large part to a resolute performance from goalkeeper Darren Koufax and young defender Steelhenge, hold back Treason and hit back in the 92nd minute through Sinan Uzunlar’s beautiful header. In Koufax’s words as man of the match: “Look, I’m a Maximum City lad at heart, supported ‘em as a kid, played for ‘em… this felt good, yeah? For a lot of reasons.” No such tension for Raven River, though. The Ferrymen jump up and down on the Hounds, breaking them for four goals in the first half-hour before a fifth, an own goal off the luckless Gideon Muller’s neck, late on. No answer from Hills, or from their manager Euryale Nikas, who ducks the interview.

Morningstar snap their losing streak of six away in Brinemouth, of all places. Naturally, Brinemouth - somewhat rotated but always looking strong - dominate possession, Marijana Kuralay showing her class in midfield and laying on the first assist for Kyron Bartley to slot home past Malta Hawthorn at her near post. And they threaten to double the scores, and threaten, and threaten… but Hawthorn more than atones for her error, making eleven, sometimes spectacular saves, Scotti hits a post and then the colossal Barak Sahar gets over everyone and heads home a great Petrosian free kick. Of course, it’s Lineker against Brinemouth, and her Chatswood’s siege mentality, brutality and scheduling quirk of usually facing them on the last matchday single-handedly crafted a fierce rivalry, so it’s not too surprising that Lopez brains Nkembe with a vicious elbow in the 70th minute, and in the 86th Kurtis Rough brutalises the substitute Exarchopolous - who is stretchered off - and both are sent off with straight reds. Even so, there’s no way past Hawthorn, who Karo Vanstrattan impulsively kisses at full-time. Similar story in Sabrefell, as Plenty of other teams are far more clinical, the Moths beating Newrook 5-0 (all in a dominant first half) while Coret smashes North Laithland 6-1. But most important for sentimental reasons is the ‘Friendly Derby’, as Raven River visit the Diamonds for their first ever league match. “The daughters become the sisters,” says the River club programme proudly, which sounds like some kind of quirk of rural Brenecian incest, but it’s a sweet sentiment. Still, some sisters are more equal than others. It’s a good match, with River edging a difficult first half where the ball bogged down in the midfield but Zivka Petkovic was found free by Kaspian, dragged the ball away from Hemeyer and flashed the ball past a stranded Jonason. Jonason’s impressed since his promotion but he should’ve done better when River’s Kaskanis fires low and his palms are far too weak, allowing it to slip by him. Kowalczyk makes things interesting late on - Kesteren smashes a shot high off the crossbar and the Cosneolta international meets the rebound with a thumping volley into the top corner, a spectacular goal. But in the end, River are just the team in a better place.

Mar Sara, who have been basically invincible in the group, sweep aside the Moths 3-1. The Moths actually do start the better team in the first half, Serra getting the first goal with a brilliant low strike, but their momentum is halted when Townsend’s brilliant cross is sent thundering into the crossbar by Solara Vol. The crossbar loses. Repairs are made quickly and inefficiently, but the Moths’ momentum dissipates and the first half rather petres out. Not to say that the Flames are undeserving winners - they dominate the second half, much as they’ve dominated the group, and Haevathar’s brace sends them on their way before a luckless Pavel Weaver deflects Stef’s low cross into his own net with a stray heel. It’s far easier for Athletic, who finally pick up their first win - and in some style, as Tom Benedict’s men pulverise Lonngeylin Coast 5-0.

Convincing wins for the Chardonnay sides against Terranean opposition, with both Starling and Crisisbless winning 3-1 off the backs of midfield intensity, strings of short passing and in the former case the clinical edge of Estrella Hawke, who notches up a hat-trick. Hoxford continue their billing as the Globe Cup’s surprise package, outbattling Brinemouth on their way to a draw, and they’re applauded by a considerable section of the home fans. Aidan Brosque disappoints some with a defensive approach that successfully stifles La Nueva Avenida, a crowded and industrious midfield of Diasakos, Kutris and Mirzayev clamping down their Farfish opponents and keeping the Harriers on track for progression.

The game with the highest billing is undoubtedly the worst of the round, as is so often the case. Starling and Treason just cancel one another out, Treason not really allowing their hosts chances but not really creating too many themselves. The Stags have just lacked… something, this season, and stayed out of the spotlight. “It’s a marathon, not a sprint,” is all Ben Randall has to say on the subject. Can’t say the same about Brinemouth, who smash Serpentine 5-1 thanks to inspiration from that midfield. The Harriers, similarly, maul Southfell through an inspired Sanna performance - controversially rested against Avenida, he’s taken off at the hour mark with the score already 4-0 to a standing ovation. Corvette edge a six-pointer, doing their reputation as a team that plays ‘the right way’ some harm. Then again, as Gideon Muller - man of the match for a solid defensive performance - remarks; “the only ‘right way’ is the winning way.” How very Nepharim. The actual match goes something like this; Corvette go two up in the first half through Corvalan (again!) and Plutarch (her first of the season), then Rainwall hacks down Fortounis in the box to stop him from tapping into an open net and is sent off, while Fortounis converts from the spot anyway. Corvette end on nine in the end, with captain Nadine Mateus sent off for two yellows, and timewaste their way to a 2-1 win. But they have the points. Extreme Hills, on the other hand, can’t buy a win at the moment - they, too, race to a 2-0 lead against Bishop, and look to be snapping a fair winless streak. Bishop, who notoriously can only hit on the counterattack. All the Hounds need to do is sit back and defend semi-capably as the Cardinals are finally forced onto the front foot. The Hounds lose 4-3.

The big teams enter the fray, and nine of them immediately leave it. North Laithland almost manage to lose their title defence at the first attempt, but sadly Rinat Stubbs sidefoots home in the 86th minute to take them past a brave Pravenna Saints who hadn’t managed more than one shot, a tame Barbarouses header straight into Rattin’s arms. Another fairytale also crashes out, the final surviving Conference East representative in plucky Corvistone City, brought down by a… well, a professional Ox River 2-0. The Conference West’s last men standing also face Premiership opposition; Courser do well to hold Creed to a 2-0 scoreline, Stonesthrow Town are understandably pumped 4-0 away by River and all three will get a nice injection of cash. Corvistone City, whose game was televised, have stated that the Cup run will keep their operating costs afloat for the rest of the season alone. Of the Premiership scalps, Boleyn outfight Serpentine 3-1, West Hook claim a second away scalp in a row as they desperately hold back Southfell and then win yet again on penalties, while Sabrefell Athletic… Christ. Hosting third-tier strugglers Brindleton, they probably think they’ve got an easy time of it. Their rotated side includes Layland, Moravec, Lucassen, Castellan, Corvine, Kestrel… and yet it’s Brindleton winger Col Forsyth who hits a pearl of an opening blow, one which it takes Corvine until the 70th minute to level. Extra time sees Daniel Fitzmarten let another Forsyth shot squeeze agonisingly underneath him, equalised by Castellan before Morten Crestwell’s flicked header and first goal of the season puts Athletic in front! And then Diana Blueford hits a sizzling shot from 30 yards, it rebounds awkwardly off Gareth Krane’s calf, beats Fitzmarten, rebounds off a post and, yes, Col fucking Forsyth is there to smugly tap it home. Corvette rest many of their players against Starling but it’s 1-1 with 76 minutes gone and Leo Santander senses a moment of fate… yes, it’s time to bring out the big gun, Cesar Corvalan, who yet again scores against his parent club with a diving header past a despairing Meixner. Newrook hold out to beat Brinemouth 2-0, Parrhesia beat Bishop on penalties, the Harriers edge the Otters in a quiet game, though 19-year old Harriers goalkeeper Mercator is incredibly impressive and assured, the Moths beat Crisisbless through Sigrid Eisenhauer’s eyecatching bicycle kick after she’d earlier missed an open goal from eight yards while a typically full-blooded Treason derby ends with ten a side, settled in the 118th minute when Ana Kuijer found the top corner through an ocean of sky blue bodies.

Extreme Hills pick up their first point in a while, Sigrun Barota seemingly the only player with the confidence to still take people on - yet again, the Hounds pick up an early 2-0 lead through Barota and Garrido (assisted by Barota). Yet again, they slip up - Tournay slips helplessly on the pitch, horribly out of position as a low Fenwick free kick skims past her, before Alan Bothroyd picks up the slack with a thumping half-volley past Tournay. The Cosumarite goalkeeper does somewhat atone in stoppage time with a brilliant double save from substitute Stefan Jacobsen, who’s still searching for his first goal of the season and looks as bereft of confidence at the moment as, well, the Hounds. Southfell continue through a miserable stretch with their fourth straight defeat - three convincing, the other that loss on penalties to West fucking Hook. This time, it’s a revived Parrhesia who rip their defence apart as Jazmin Dragana has finally awakened, finally beginning to fulfil her potential at the club and scores twice with two assists in a stunning performance. Starling against Athletic is a brilliant showcase of attacking talent, and it’s Lisa Amos’ free-flowing, fearless side that has the better of things. Armstrong’s masked throughball to Andisori is perfect, as is Koehler’s lofted cross to the late run of Gallagher, as is Gryphon’s free kick dropped onto Heston’s head. Heston’s at fault for Athletic’s goal, pure pace as they’re caught on the break with a brilliant hoof from Gautier - Wardenier slips by Heston, Heston slips over as the striker he was leaning on simply vanishes and the finish from there for the unmarked Nephara international is simple. Even so, Starling’s really building up to something here, while Athletic… just haven’t been right, yet. Would that the same sort of match could be said of Brinemouth against the Harriers - Aidan Brosque repeats his stifling tactics that worked against Avenida, and they work here. Ruhl’s newfound industry is invaluable, as he becomes the out ball by default and viciously brawls Brinemouth’s defence, at one point getting in a spiteful stamp on Nkembe that gets overlooked. He’s not so lucky with a post-match review that slams him with a match suspension.

The Moths secure their position in second with victory over Dí Maozöxê, a dead even match until the Moths seized the upper hand for the last twenty minutes, Meier’s driving run, dummied cutback and then actual shot winning the game. They’re second by a distance, but no other club even so much as took a point off runaway winners Mar Sara. Meanwhile, it’s too little, too late for Athletic, as being winless in four unsurprisingly torpedoed their chances of the knockout rounds. Pulverising Lonngeylin Coast earlier does, at least, ensure third place.

Needing to better the Golden Eagles’ result - the Eagles draw 1-1 with Valligiani in the end - Starling’s flat away performance lets them down, and they slump out of the tournament at the first hurdle. Crisisbless have already secured first place in the group, and a rotated side secures a draw with second-place Royal as the Immutable Law of the Ex rears its head with a neat Cautcher finish. She doesn’t celebrate. Much. RGS make short work of Brinemouth, whose interesting strategy of exclusively drawing all non-RGS sides leaves them pinned to the bottom of the group on four points. A bitterly disappointing UICA campaign draws to a close. Doing better are the Harriers, who ease past the Blue Lions thanks to a Bonifacio Sanna brace and, on head-to-head away goals, beat Cornellians to first place in the group.

No Ruhl? No probl- oh, nevermind, River stifle Peta-Gaye West, a fine finisher but also very 34 years old and unable to hold the ball up for the midfield, and they’ve got their own big cunty striker up top as a single, powerful Kaukenas header is enough to win the game. This match sees a lot of crap versions of teams get beaten by good versions of themselves - or at least mediocre, as Newrook (mediocre technical diamond midfield) thrash Diamondqueen (crap technical diamond midfield) 4-0. Brinemouth (incredibly good high-octane high-pressing 4-3-3) school Parrhesia (average high-octane high-pressing 4-3-3) 2-1 thanks to a late Drinkwater goal that caps off a dominant performance, Brookford (decent plucky all-attack side) smashes Hills (fucking terrible plucky all-attack side), Bishop (disciplined resilient defensive-minded cinderblock) breaks down Morningstar (ill-disciplined fragile defensive-minded cinderblock) and, just to prove that all rules have an exception, Athletic are edged out 3-2 by the Chariots in a pulsating East Sabrefell derby as it finally all clicks together for Isla Safarova’s project in a hot-headed affair. Ulster’s brace, both off excellent Carroll throughballs, sets them off to the perfect start before Carroll is stretchered off when Morningstar smashes through her. Early signs: MCL. That’s what the Chariots needed most - to have one of their most experienced players go down, and Athletic strike back through Bereveskos and Castellan late in the first half. But the Chariots come out sniffing for blood in the second half, pelt Gautier’s goal before finally a rare slip from Gerhardt, a wayward pass intercepted by Klein is slipped onto the run of… Sujet Carsley, Carroll’s replacement, a 20-year old playing on the wrong wing who stabs clumsily into the bottom corner with her wrong foot. Another heated derby sees Treason just dominate a feckless North Laithland from the off, Tarashaj slamming through Gazzincha twenty seconds in and getting away with a booking. Gazzincha does nothing from that point to reward an increasingly rare start, while goals from Fraser and Vesper take the Spiders down. As for the Moths? They’re still cruising at the top end of the table, and never look more comfortable than when they’re smashing Vermillion into a fine paste to the tune of a 4-0 thrashing. Orpheus Clement, Sabrefell Athletic youth product, has the nerve to call it “luck”. No, mate, you were shit.

The standout tie of the first round, and people who don’t enjoy unseeded draws are probably screaming. Why, though? The match is brilliant, between two great teams. Athletic get off to a strong start with typical Nepharim pace and muscle, Coltrane puts them ahead within four minutes with a thumping strike, and when Gottschalk clumsily chops down Bereveskos on the edge of the area and Tanith Rainsford steps up, well, game over, surely? Wrong. It’s not a bad penalty, but not quite in the corner, either, and club legend Sebastian Naumann sees it coming all the way and just tips it around the post. Athletic don’t let that get them down, but on the stroke of half-time a brilliant counterattack sparked by Feierabend finds Targaryen, who slots low past Gautier against the run of play. Then they go two up before there even is a run of play, Targaryen again striking in the 51st minute, and then Athletic run out of steam after about the hour mark, Paulinthal really turning the screws and now it’s Gautier’s turn to pull out the saves. But then, substitute defender Zdenek Moravec rises highest to find Rainsford’s exquisite free kick on his homecoming in stoppage time. A draw is probably a fair result, and Athletic will be happy enough to have two away goals.

Massive, massive results around the league. Certainly in terms of scoreline, if not magnitude. Table-topping Moths roll North Laithland 3-1 in their sleep, but it’s Crisisbless who really get the ball rolling to keep pace with a 6-2 hammering of ten-man Vermillion. Ruhl controversially comes back after just one game out for the Harriers, though Brosque keeps him on the bench seemingly as punishment. But with the scores locked at 1-1 at half-time and West looking weary already, he’s thrown in and boom, second-half hat-trick to turn the game. Southfell endure their fifth straight league loss, not even counting the West Hook Incident, as Starling smash them down 3-0. Liam Armstrong basically has free reign to do as he likes all game. There’s a word for that: tactical suicide, as he orchestrates the Tanners’ downfall. Do what Treason do - have a massive cunt, like Tarashaj, work on pure destruction, like hacking down Coltrane at every opportunity, to notch a decent away point against Athletic. It could’ve been more, but Cantor’s insanely powerful left foot lets her down when she rifles what should be a six-yard open-goal tap-in into a hammerblow that breaks the crossbar and bounces away. But the fun isn’t quite over, with Brookford pulverising a hopelessly naive Diamondqueen 6-1. “We were butchered out there,” Dimitriades laments… and is then, controversially, fired two days later, the first Premiership manager to lose her job this season, just half a year after masterminding them to an unlikely First Division title when promotion itself seemed out of reach. But something had to be done. On current form, they were going down. But who is there to replace her?

Oh dear. Everything falls apart for Athletic very, very quickly as goals from Bruecke, Feierabend and Targaryen seemingly kill off the tie within fifteen fucking minutes. Tom Benedict is an unhappy man on the touchline, and Rainsford is an unhappy woman on the pitch, at some point in her spiel grabbing teammate Alexa Ferryman by the throat and glaring at the referee when he looks to break them up. But it works. Coltrane pulls one back in the 40th minute, Wardenier’s backheel almost gets them there in the 43rd. Athletic start the second half the stronger team, buoyed by belief, and then Wardenier’s felled in the box by Foeldessy. Rainsford puts the ghosts of, well, the first leg behind her, buying the penalty past Neumann. They still need a goal thanks to Paulinthal’s away goals, but Athletic have hope, which lasts all of seven minutes before Nepharim winger Josephine Clement-Rossiter, once of Crisisbless United, extinguishes it with a powerful drive across Gautier.

A lot to talk about. And, since wordcount has already surged beyond control, it’s time to give these matches the profile they deserve.

Top plays second. The Heelers have the perfect chance to draw level with the Moths on points! They don’t, and it’s clear from the kickoff where Drenas dwells on possession and immediately loses it to Solara Vol, who smashes through her with two studs. It’s the third second of the game. Vol is booked, the quickest booking in Premiership history, but the tone of the match has been set. Crisisbless are nervous in possession, lack attacking thrust and are simply not allowed to make it a midfield battle, with the Moths surging down the flanks at all opportunities. Within half an hour, the Moths are one ahead - Townsend shapes to cross and then cuts the ball back, nutmegging Lohengrin to do so, Serra muscles ahead of countryman Tedesco to rifle the ball low past Marciak. Rafford is the Crisisbless player to show the most fight - too much, because she elbows Meier in the throat. The Moths pick up their more than deserved second in the 70th minute, only waiting that long through a determined one-man fight by Pawlo Marciak against the world. The world wins when he gets down just a second too late to stop a low, powerful shot from Townsend, eventual player of the match.

Fourth-placed Starling also host third-placed Brinemouth - both are on 44 points, both with 21 goal difference, both trying to achieve short-term success after a lot of transition. Starling’s more holistic approach chalks up an early lead, a brilliant improvisational flicked header totally dumbfounding Vintner who zigs when he should zag, and the margin’s almost worsened just minutes later when a low shot from Padilla is charged down by Magnozzi, who has apparently muscled into the starting XI after some assured performances. It’s cleared, in fact, to Bartley far upfield. Who cuts across to the far post for Silkman to score. Silkman gets another rare goal on the cusp of half-time and in the second half, the Dockers look secure, helped by yet more stalwart defending from Magnozzi. Starling do grab back an equaliser in the 72nd minute, Gallagher’s snapshot forcing a smart Vintner save but only as far as Andisori, who taps in, but even then it never seems in doubt, and almost feels expected when Conjure rolls Gryphon, one of the world’s best defensive midfielders, rolls Heston, who is not one of the world’s great defenders, and nonchalantly chips the ball into the corner over Hargrave a second before being unceremoniously clattered by Koehler. Brinemouth win 3-2, and climb to third.

Athletic just haven’t quite been right this season, and a radical shift by Tom Benedict returns to his trademark 4-2-2-2 formation. Ferryman and Lovelock, stalwarts of the late Brunet era, have been mediocre this season. Both are dropped, with the more defensive Iserlohn favoured at leftback and Linden Lucassen (now 33) thrown up front as a set target. More direct now, it pays dividends against a totally unsuspecting North Laithland. They crush them 3-0 away, Lucassen netting a brace (to double his league goal tally for the season) and slip ahead of Starling into fourth. Treason, edging a characteristically brutal Treason derby, and River, beating Creed 1-0, round out the Globe Cup places. The Harriers - who take a staggeringly boring scoreless draw from Bishop - Vermillion and Coret hover within striking distance.

The bottom four all show to some extent why they’re in the bottom four. Corvette, currently in 21st and four points from safety, fight valiantly against Parrhesia but eventually lose to the complete failure to mark down the murderous Olaf Womack at a corner. Olaf Womack has heard all the whispers that his career’s winding down. Olaf Womack disagrees. Parrhesia win 2-1. Morningstar do get a draw, but it’s with a somewhat bitter taste in the mouth. It looks like Marika Kreisburg’s 87th-minute stunner has equalised for them, but suddenly Kovach slips in midfield and Brookford’s playmaker Chilton has the ball - she’s slammed into by two feet from Seizter and goes down, her legs twisting badly, but not before flighting a beautiful ball over the top to Tambor, who slips by Lothar Andreas far too easily and crosses to the far post, Harbour heads it, Hawthorn’s stranded but Kurtis Rough, on the line, desperately claws the ball away from goal and Hawthorn clears. Seizter and Rough must, and do, both walk, and there’s a penalty given as Chilton is stretchered off - it’s a season-ender for the unfortunate playmaker. Worse still? Harbour fires the penalty extremely hard… but also very close to Hawthorn, who just blocks it with her chest and instinctively beats it away with both hands before Harbour can get the rebound. Saunders slams it past halfway and the game’s over, 1-1. Was it really worth it?

The Diamonds’ managerial search seemingly comes to an end, with more than a hint of desperation about the process - but they wind up with Tana Colbright, whose managerial experience amounts to ‘stabilising Goodfeather in the second half of 67, then stabilising West Brinemouth in the first half of this season’. Then again, they’re in need of a firefighter and desperately low on confidence, as a feckless 2-0 defeat to Coret with Colbright in the stands shows. Third straight loss, five from their last six in the league. They’re a young squad of some genuine quality, but far too thin in far too many areas and the likes of Fortounis and Sanabria have struggled to take their second-tier form into the top flight. Things look grim for them.

It could be worse. The early optimism of Extreme Hills has completely evaporated. Following a flattering 2-0 defeat to Vermillion, they’re now winless in their last fifteen, with just two points to show for the stretch, and there’s no sign of it stopping anytime soon. Adamastor is sent off. Asprey is useless. Barota can’t do it all on her own. Garrido and Vorbeck get no service. Tournay makes a brilliant save from Alemane and dives head-first into the post in the process, concussing herself. Searle is perhaps wary of this and Alemane soon beats her at her near post to get her goal anyway, before Kosta Ouzoundis scores his second of the season as his blazing shot cracks off the underside of the crossbar. Euryale Nikas doesn’t make it to the press conference - she’s fired in the tunnel. Actually, that’s a lie - she does make it to the press conference, but eyes burning with tears, and immediately announces “the bastards just sacked me in the tunnel through a fucking text.” She then went on to go through her list of grievances, such as the “failing academy” and “lack of investment” and “who the fuck even is Asa Ketelsen”, before the press officer caught up. Nikas punched her in the face and it all descended into chaos. After the dust settles, it’s announced that Malta Fletcher, former Hounds legend but out of the senior management game for years, working in the Nephara youth ranks, has been brought back. Maybe she can provide the miracle her side clearly need?

The West Hook Experience finally goes down after three rounds, a doughty home performance ruined when Emery Lineker, knowing her team’s desperate for a win, rolls out a strong side and, uh, even then only beats West Hook when Marko Petrosian’s strike takes a heavy deflection to wrongfoot the goalkeeper. Still, a win’s a win. Newrook showcase how to win with style, though, as Maladict Farrell fires himself back into form with four goals for the second time this season in a 6-0 win over Ox River. Brindleton - conquerors of Athletic - also bow out, second-half goals from Vermillion Wanderers’ midfielders Ramsay and Janssen enough to secure a 2-0 win. A central Parrhesia derby emerges, northern Vermillion taking on the south of the region north of it in two largely overlapping catchments, but in the end the Saints cruise to a 2-0 win thanks to McEthinly and Howlett, largely seeming confused by South Parrhesia’s bitterness towards them. Diamondqueen face Hackett in a bizarre match. Hackett are ancient, but the corpses of Yehochanan Maas and Rhianna Forrest put them to an early 2-0 lead with Alexis Hannaday brilliant in midfield. Thirlwell, though, also relishes her return to the spotlight - too slow and weak for more than sporadic Premiership appearances, she’s in her element here, smashing past Sorenholm early and then slotting a brilliant disguised pass for Hecubah Statkis to sidefoot home not long afterwards. After all that excitement, the second half is terrible, with it just being Hannaday and Thirlwell doing really good passes for their incompetent supporting cast to fuck up. Extra time is even worse since by this point Hannaday and Thirlwell are both exhausted, though Auburn Weber comes on for the latter to inject some fire and lashes a shot against the crossbar. It goes to penalties - which are awful. Hackett somehow miss all four, with Corren Dankworth nonplussed - Diamondqueen’s baseline competence at the spot more or less puts them through by default. Five Premiership teams crash out in the end; an end-to-end affair takes the Maulers past River, North Laithland beat Treason through basically Josie Webster on her own, the Chariots rely on an extra-time winner from Varga Neury after a brilliant throwback performance from captain Soarhaven in defence, Extreme Hills… are fucking terrible, succumbing at home to Laura Annesley’s 115th-minute strike in Malta Fletcher’s return to management, and a heavily-rotated Harriers side pays for its hubris by contriving to lose 1-0 to third-tier bottom-feeders Kensey Town at home.

by **Nephara** » Thu Oct 12, 2017 3:14 pm

No side has really taken the division by the scruff of its neck yet, but the legitimate challengers are taking shape. Leichhardt sit at the top through being a very difficult team to beat, conceding just thirteen goals to date, Koller continuing to dominate defensively, while the pace and power of the Wanderers and the skill and discipline of Goodfeather has them a point behind. Goodfeather in particular have been a revelation, powering to the top three on the back of a seven-game winning streak built on short passing and the inspirational Ulrica Rannon, with Lexi Farrakhan blazing into form up front and Raven Forster seriously impressing. In fourth, Maximum Rovers have chalked up some huge results - sweeping aside Cypher 5-0, Crossroads 8-0, beating Leichhardt in the Cup - but inconsistencies such as defeats to lowly Coret have undercut them. Still, Spyridon Kolitsidakis in particular is a class above. Corvistone have been strong contenders but a patchy squad has left them open to surprising defeats in places and a slightly ropey defence, while South Laithland and North Sabrefell round out the chasing pack.

In the middle of the table, Crisisbless United are struggling outside of Kaija Koppel, simply seeming to have gone too hard in the direction of physicality and pace and forgotten technique. A Sheila Maher injury has really, really highlighted those flaws. Maximum City also continue to fuck around in 14th, not really accomplishing anything, watching the Rovers fight to get back to the top flight, still reliant on Corona Sharpe up front. Rather happier to be out of immediate danger at the halfway point will be Rochford, sandwiched between them in 13th, as the Owls continue to mock their doubters. Discipline, power and a playmaker in Burgundy who has thrived with the step up to the second tier - they have all the ingredients to stay up. West Brinemouth are doing alright for the moment, in 15th - but their first match without Tana Colbright sees them slaughtered 4-0 by North Sabrefell. An ominous sign.

Still, it’s pretty bunched up in the danger zone. Hackett and East Laithland will be pleased to be away from danger, Crossroads and Coret will be pleased to have dragged themselves away from it, Belgrave’s fans are calling for Malta Falconer’s head. Hackett are an interesting case, conceding by a distance the most goals in the league… though at ‘just’ two a game, that does somewhat betray the story of a fairly defensively solid division, but even so they’ve scored plenty as Alexis Hannaday has been ridiculously good for them. Less fortunate? Vermillion Wanderers have lacked technique or guile, Shale can’t score, Cranequin City look… really old, and really bad. Iron City’s popular Lara Winter, a club legend as a player, becomes the first managerial casualty of the season after a ten-match winless run sees them seven points from safety with just 13 goals. Gareth Catalan hasn’t held a job in two years but is a veteran in this division with three seasons of Premiership experience with Cypher Town - the 57-year old is a stock-standard inspirational type, a Proper Football Man, and after some big changes (Laura Wilhelm and Francesca Quail dropped!) managed a vital 1-0 win over AFC Shale to get back in touching distance, or what could optimistically pass for touching distance.

Six sides for four places, but there’s something about Catheline Harper’s physically dominant Rovers and Kieran Schrader’s forceful, high-pressing Greygate that just sets them apart from the other teams in the division, though freshly-relegated Mantlegrove have looked a decent bet too. Locksley and the Strongest both fit a similar mould of being slightly wild attack-minded sides, with the relatively level-headed Riverkey boasting the league’s best defence and staying in range. It’s seriously close, though - even 13th-placed South Parrhesia are just eight points away from the promotion places. At the wrong end of the table, Barossia United remain stubbornly not in it. Brindleton, despite their Cup heroics against Athletic, are. The Hanged Man are unexpectedly struggling to keep afloat, Peregrine have recovered somewhat but not entirely unburied themselves from their initial rut, Kensey have been terrible and are winless in 11.

United have fallen away, but Falston Town are doing the Ceyne Isles proud and heading the division, with surprise packages Gonen’s Bridge, the Diamonds and Alliance in the rest of the top four, Chardonnay and Falston United close in the hunt. Downsparrow and Fenland are struggling, five and six points from safety, while Pravenna Saints are nine points from danger and starting to look at home in their new surroundings after a good Cup run. Fischer win their first game at the 23rd time of asking, beating Bodkin Road 2-0. Now they have one win each. Yeah, they’re going down.

PREMIERSHIP

Pos Team                      P   W  D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Sabrefell Moths          23  17  3   3  63  21  +42  54
  2 Crisisbless              23  15  3   5  49  26  +23  48
  3 Brinemouth               23  14  5   4  48  26  +22  47
  4 Sabrefell Athletic       23  13  5   5  51  31  +20  44
  5 Starling                 23  13  5   5  44  24  +20  44
  6 AFC Treason              23  12  8   3  40  22  +18  44
  7 Raven River              23  13  3   7  43  26  +17  42
  8 Chenoworth Harriers      23  11  6   6  40  25  +15  39
  9 Vermillion Rage          23  12  3   8  46  36  +10  39
 10 Coret Hawks              23  11  4   8  50  37  +13  37
 11 Bishop                   23  10  4   9  31  22   +9  34
 12 Brookford Otters         23  10  4   9  40  41   -1  34
 13 Parrhesia United         23   9  5   9  38  37   +1  32
 14 Creed United             23   9  2  12  28  35   -7  29
 15 Violence Chariots        23   8  4  11  39  52  -13  28
 16 Southfell United         23   8  2  13  28  41  -13  26
 17 AFC Serpentine           23   7  5  11  25  41  -16  26
 18 Chatswood                23   7  2  14  21  35  -14  23
 19 North Laithland          23   7  2  14  29  49  -20  23
 20 Newrook City             23   6  4  13  30  42  -12  22
 21 Corvette Maulers         23   5  3  15  26  53  -27  18
 22 Morningstar              23   4  5  14  22  45  -23  17
 23 Diamondqueen             23   4  4  15  27  55  -28  16
 24 Extreme Hills            23   4  3  16  28  64  -36  15

FIRST DIVISION

Pos Team                          P   W  D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Leichhardt                   23  14  5   4  33  13  +20  47
  2 Cranequin Wanderers          23  13  7   3  42  24  +18  46
  3 Goodfeather FC               23  14  4   5  33  20  +13  46
  4 Maximum Rovers               23  12  5   6  41  21  +20  41
  5 AFC Corvistone               23  10  9   4  38  25  +13  39
  6 South Laithland              23  10  9   4  34  21  +13  39
  7 North Sabrefell              23  11  6   6  35  25  +10  39
  8 Sheridan                     23  10  6   7  24  16   +8  36
  9 Armstrong                    23  10  5   8  25  22   +3  35
 10 Ritter Town                  23  10  2  11  28  28   +0  32
 11 Cypher Town                  23   9  5   9  23  26   -3  32
 12 Crisisbless United           23   8  6   9  34  28   +6  30
 13 Rochford                     23   7  7   9  23  24   -1  28
 14 Maximum City                 23   7  7   9  19  24   -5  28
 15 West Brinemouth              23   6 10   7  17  22   -5  28
 16 Hackett                      23   8  3  12  29  46  -17  27
 17 Belgrave                     23   7  5  11  29  38   -9  26
 18 East Laithland Harriers      23   7  5  11  23  33  -10  26
 19 Crossroads Town              23   7  5  11  28  40  -12  26
 20 Coret Rovers                 23   6  5  12  27  34   -7  23
 21 Vermillion Wanderers         23   6  5  12  21  32  -11  23
 22 AFC Shale                    23   5  7  11  16  28  -12  22
 23 Cranequin City               23   4 10   9  23  36  -13  22
 24 Iron City                    23   4  4  15  13  32  -19  16

SECOND DIVISION

Pos Team                       P   W  D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Chenoworth Rovers         23  14  4   5  32  21  +11  46
  2 Greygate                  23  13  6   4  40  17  +23  45
  3 Mantlegrove               23  13  5   5  37  24  +13  44
  4 Locksley                  23  13  4   6  35  22  +13  43
  5 The Strongest             23  13  4   6  34  27   +7  43
  6 Riverkey                  23  11  7   5  28  13  +15  40
  7 Iron United               23  11  5   7  30  27   +3  38
  8 Sutcroft                  23  11  5   7  26  24   +2  38
  9 Southriver                23  10  7   6  30  25   +5  37
 10 Stonegrave                23  10  6   7  29  16  +13  36
 11 Pillars of Southfell      23  10  6   7  30  23   +7  36
 12 Crisisbless Athletic      23  10  5   8  46  28  +18  35
 13 South Parrhesia           23   9  8   6  30  25   +5  35
 14 Kommissar                 23   8  6   9  23  24   -1  30
 15 West Hook                 23   7  7   9  23  29   -6  28
 16 Strephonage               23   6  8   9  19  22   -3  26
 17 Martella Jazz             23   7  5  11  22  27   -5  26
 18 Boleyn Town               23   7  4  12  15  24   -9  25
 19 Barossia United           23   6  5  12  20  29   -9  23
 20 Dartmouth Terriers        23   7  1  15  22  37  -15  22
 21 Brindleton                23   4  8  11  26  39  -13  20
 22 The Hanged Man            23   5  3  15  13  30  -17  18
 23 Peregrine                 23   4  6  13  25  50  -25  18
 24 Kensey Town               23   3  3  17  21  53  -32  12

THIRD DIVISION

Pos Team                     P   W  D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Falston Town            23  16  2   5  54  31  +23  50
  2 Gonen's Bridge          23  14  5   4  38  20  +18  47
  3 Lazuli Diamonds         23  14  4   5  55  27  +28  46
  4 Alliance Barossia       23  12  8   3  36  19  +17  44
  5 Chardonnay Rangers      23  13  5   5  30  15  +15  44
  6 Falston United          23  13  4   6  31  16  +15  43
  7 Dross Rovers            23  10  7   6  35  32   +3  37
  8 Ox River United         23  10  6   7  34  22  +12  36
  9 Ballardine FC           23   9  8   6  32  27   +5  35
 10 Long Lake               23  10  5   8  28  24   +4  35
 11 Ringway                 23  10  5   8  24  27   -3  35
 12 Gridlock Rovers         23   9  7   7  39  32   +7  34
 13 Sutcroft Athletic       23   8  6   9  36  27   +9  30
 14 Rushe United            23   7  9   7  32  27   +5  30
 15 Iberia Chenoworth       23   8  6   9  38  41   -3  30
 16 FC Seierstad            23   7  8   8  27  31   -4  29
 17 Pravenna Saints         23   8  4  11  22  24   -2  28
 18 Brookway Town           23   6  8   9  33  40   -7  26
 19 Mapleford               23   7  4  12  26  46  -20  25
 20 Gosmouth Swans          23   6  6  11  29  39  -10  24
 21 Downsparrow             23   5  4  14  24  50  -26  19
 22 Fenland Albion          23   5  3  15  17  38  -21  18
 23 Bodkin Road             23   1  6  16  17  48  -31   9
 24 Fischer                 23   1  4  18  17  51  -34   7

CONFERENCE WEST

Pos Team                        P   W   D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Boltcroft Thorns           23  13   6   4  46  25  +21  45
  2 Fully Sick XI              23  13   4   6  46  33  +13  43
  3 Corinthians No Longer      23  10  10   3  37  24  +13  40
  4 Grovebank                  23  10  10   3  30  22   +8  40
  5 Gridlock                   23  11   7   5  25  18   +7  40
  6 Brokenarch                 23  11   6   6  36  26  +10  39
  7 AFC Brackwold              23   7  12   4  34  25   +9  33
  8 Sirencall FC               23   9   6   8  40  38   +2  33
  9 Gridlock East              23   9   5   9  25  32   -7  32
 10 Capricopia Rangers         23   7  10   6  36  32   +4  31
 11 Bellamy                    23   8   7   8  24  24   +0  31
 12 Harrington                 23   8   5  10  32  28   +4  29
 13 Stonesthrow Town           23   7   8   8  26  26   +0  29
 14 Nay Town                   23   6  10   7  29  26   +3  28
 15 Courser                    23   8   4  11  30  30   +0  28
 16 Norton Road                23   7   4  12  25  42  -17  25
 17 Swag Hill Rovers           23   6   6  11  31  40   -9  24
 18 Sleetwell Rangers          23   5   5  13  30  45  -15  20
 19 Tryst Athletic             23   5   5  13  21  46  -25  20
 20 Forge Carpenters           23   1   8  14  11  32  -21  11

CONFERENCE EAST

Pos Team                    P   W  D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Hartford Glade         23  13  6   4  49  27  +22  45
  2 Aries Solitaire        23  14  1   8  55  30  +25  43
  3 Corvistone City        23  12  7   4  35  17  +18  43
  4 Rochford Pilgrims      23  13  4   6  52  35  +17  43
  5 Stamper Road           23  13  3   7  47  31  +16  42
  6 Brunyard FC            23  11  7   5  41  27  +14  40
  7 Blaze                  23  10  8   5  47  26  +21  38
  8 Senway Town            23  10  5   8  38  38   +0  35
  9 South Brill            23  10  4   9  25  23   +2  34
 10 Sandrock               23   8  6   9  21  25   -4  30
 11 The Travellers FC      23   7  7   9  25  27   -2  28
 12 Violence Tigers        23   7  7   9  25  28   -3  28
 13 Rookwall               23   8  4  11  23  26   -3  28
 14 Masculine Town         23   9  1  13  38  44   -6  28
 15 Coral Bay              23   6  9   8  29  33   -4  27
 16 Twelvetrees            23   8  3  12  21  33  -12  27
 17 Mainstream Fist        23   6  5  12  31  56  -25  23
 18 Celebryant FC          23   5  6  12  25  41  -16  21
 19 Corby Hubris           23   4  7  12  22  38  -16  19
 20 Lackerrun              23   6  0  17  32  76  -44  18

by **Nephara** » Thu Oct 19, 2017 2:40 pm

Welcome back to the Premiership, Malta Fletcher! Time to host the top of the table Moths. Sabrefell Moths have had a big couple of days, with a Cup game and having to smack down Crisisbless, and they’ve got to relax somewhere. They relax, specifically, with a spine-tingling 6-0 evisceration of Extreme Hills, the perfect opposition for Federico Serra to just take his foot off the accelerator and orchestrate things, getting a couple of goals from snap-shots that took an unsighted Tournay off-guard. “It wasn’t the result we were looking to get,” says Fletcher. Thanks for the insight, Fletch. Brinemouth lose ground despite an early lead from Candelo’s blistering strike, Mescalin trusting in depth by resting Soederquist and Bartley and taking off Conjure and Roenoujya at the hour mark. Suddenly, mysteriously, the young and quick midfield of Rusalka Klein, Laura Belfry and Valentine Nemeth runs through the game, the hugely impressive Klein (call her up, Michael!) makes herself some space and rifles home a shot into the inside of the post before an immaculately-disguised pass sets up Coppinger to fire home the winner in stoppage time. Safarova’s plan, so far, is working. Morningstar clinch a hugely important win late on against Coret, albeit in fluky circumstances - Jenny McDonald makes an incredibly perfect sliding challenge on Rosenthal. That happens to go straight to Petrosian, and the lethal winger makes no mistake with a powerful strike. Morningstar climb to 21st, and will be comforted by a strong defensive performance. The Hawks remain woefully inconsistent.

Chatswood and North Laithland are both outside the relegation places but Christ does their scoreless draw make the neutral hope for their immediate relegation, so better to move onto far more interesting matches. For instance, Newrook City sense Morningstar on their tail (though the Stars lose 1-0 to Vermillion, sunk by Alemane’s chip over a stranded Hawthorn) and pulverise the Saints 3-0, with a commanding performance from midfield veterans Fenwick, Sutton and Senturk as Alan Bothroyd chalked up a nice brace. It was also a starting debut for Magda Kattner, the 22-year old taking over in goal after starting the season as third-choice, and she has an assured performance that calms the nerves. Tana Colbright’s Diamonds score the first goal of her tenure in the 11th minute through Auburn Weber’s deflected strike - are they in line for a dream win over the Moths? Nah, they get pumped 5-2, while across town the Chariots, full of confidence, down River 2-0 through goals from Ulster and Nemeth and Athletic beats Southfell by the same scoreline as the Reds settle into their new formation - and Benedict’s classic one - the 4-2-2-2, with Bereveskos and Curren in free roles down the flanks. They look liberated. Each scores tonight. Everything clicks perfectly for Starling in a 4-0 demolition of Corvette as their midfield just overruns the place, no comeback exploits for Corvalan this time around. As for Hills? Crisisbless annihilate them 6-1. Twelve goals conceded and one scored since Fletcher’s glorious return. Not… great.

Tana Colbright is yet to oversee her first points for Diamondqueen, but her side hosts Crisisbless in what turns out to be the match of the round. It doesn’t go to plan in the first twenty minutes with Crisisbless already 2-0 up thanks to Tia Drenas’ brace, the latter a shot that Karel Jonason should really have saved. Jonason’s shaky in general, but the first sliding doors moment of the match comes when he scythes down Drenas half an hour in. Drenas steps up to complete her hat-trick… but Jonason leaps, spry as anything, to claw the ball off the line. The Diamonds pull a scarcely-deserved goal back through Kowalczyk in the 44th minute with their first shot on target of the game. They come out a team reborn… and yet Crisisbless show their finishing touch at last, Jevdjevic-Hadsic scoring and then setting up Drenas to finish her hat-trick, and now 4-1 looks a bit harsh for the Diamonds’ sparky performance… and then it happens, the second sliding doors moment of the match. Tedesco clatters Weber for his second yellow card and Weber puts the free kick into the top corner, then drops a perfect corner into the mixer for big Dario Pavlovic to stab home for 3-4. Ivan Hemeyer is subsequently sent off for a vicious elbow that concusses Swan, and there’s no substitutes left - it’s 10 vs. 9, and the Diamonds’ 10 - their number 10, Kesteren - equalises the game with a grass-cutter in stoppage time. 4-4, a mad game.

It’s almost as intense in Corvette, as the fans rally around embattled manager Leo Santander. The players reward it with early goals from Djuric and Britton putting them ahead of the Chariots, but Tarquin Ulster’s flicked header and a brace from Coppinger put the Chariots back ahead, with Rusalka Klein producing yet another dominant performance. Corvette look to deal with that directly, Britton sidelining her with a brutal challenge for which he’s booked. On comes the far more lightweight Quiverell, and her poor pass gives it to Silverstein who lofts it over for Johanna Ankergren to hammer home an equaliser. But in the second half, the Chariots come in hard, dominating all over the pitch and winning with Coppinger completing her hat-trick with a low shot across Sparr before substitute and captain Soarhaven’s towering header secures the win late on. A couple of Crownsend strugglers take advantage, Patricia Etheridge’s brace putting North Laithland past Hills in a hotly-contested Laith derby while Chatswood absolutely dominate Southfell away, a 3-0 win their just reward as Felipa Medina bites her nails in the dugout after yet another appalling performance from her side. At the sharp end of the table, Scotti and Conjure ease Brinemouth past a disjointed Athletic, while the Hawks succumb to Chenoworth’s 85th-minute equaliser through a Ruhl penalty, then 92nd-minute winner through, again, Ruhl. He’d been invisible for the first eighty minutes of the game, but yet again, Aidan Brosque’s faith in the burly Cosumarite pays off.

Er. Extreme Hills might be really fucking bad, actually. Dominant all over the pitch, Diamondqueen equal their four goals from last week but this time without conceding, admittedly helped by an excellent Jonason double save early on from Ketelsen, then Garrido. The Diamonds aren’t nearly as profligate. To be fair, Southfell are in a genuine rut too, losing their last three games by a combined total of 8-0. They visit North Laithland, Medina taking the drastic measure of dropping Hartmann and di Natale and restoring goalkeeper Sigrid Cooper to the starting lineup. Cooper rewards it with a strong performance, making six saves as North Laithland absolutely bottle it, outfought as well as out-techniqued and out-tacticed as the winning goal is as simple as Schwarzer putting in a low cross that no Spiders defender finds, Gail sprinting onto the end of it and cutting it back across goal and Julia Kerrigan being in the right place at the right time to tap home her first goal in eight. Brinemouth are faced with another of those infamous trips to Chatswood… but their bark is worse than their bite in this case, and Rook Alphonse’s one-man quest to deny them is undone when Rashkin deflects Bartley’s cross into his own net. Meanwhile, Athletic pick up a win in emphatic style, pulverising River 5-0 in the first half-hour and strolling to a 7-1 final scoreline over the full ninety minutes. Tom Benedict’s grin as he grasps Cheney Bittencourt’s hand before the match can best be described as ‘apex predator’. Bittencourt admits; “his hand crushed mine, then his team crushed mine. We’ll have to move on from this quickly.” The Moths, for their part, lose a seven-match winning streak through Carrie Mason's last-minute equaliser for Serpentine. Still, they're on the right track.

Usually, the Fifth Round is where reality reasserts itself - so it’s an end to the fairytales of lower-Second Division cannon fodder Strephonage, put away cleanly 3-1 by a full-strength Creed with Catherine Locklear citing the Cup as her primary objective, and Kensey, simply wiped away by Vermillion Rage like a smear on glass. The Wanderers will not be joining them, thanks to a late winner from that woman again, Denisa Thirlwell, that sees Diamondqueen through instead. Just what a paper-thin Diamonds squad needed, right? More fixture congestion. Still the chance of a Vermillion derby, though, as Quinn McEthinly continues to press her case for more starts with a shinned finish in the 84th minute, just as her prospective substitute Aris Daskalakis was warming up. She stayed on and saw the game through, unsurprisingly. Morningstar B wear Coret very much A down 2-0 in extra time after sponging up the heat all game before Christos Tsiavis gets his head to a couple exquisite free kicks from the gifted Circe Rosenthal, a vintage Emery Lineker performance that owes a lot to a strong performance from out-of-favour goalkeeper Ceferin, while Newrook wipe the floor with the Maulers as Maladict Farrell becomes top scorer of the competition so far with a brace in a 3-0 away win. Six sides left standing, then, with Vermillion the strongest by a distance. Joining them will be two former Premiership welterweights in Maximum Rovers, for whom Spyridon Kolitsidakis redeems a disjointed performance against third-tier Locksley to drag them to an ugly 2-1 win, and Cranequin City, who rely on another brilliant performance from goalkeeper Zaparas before a scuffed Ceciu clearance is pounced on and stabbed into the net by the opportunistic young Annesley.

Diamondqueen chalk up their third straight win in all competitions under Tana Colbright through a Weber penalty after Kowalczyk was felled in the box by Serjeant. Colbright drops to her knees and starts praying on the spot with her eyes shut, only opening them once the cheers alert her to the fact that Weber sent Sinstadt the wrong way. “I always did that as a player, too,” she admits to the press, “but the cameras were never bloody on me, were they?” Fair point. The main event, though, on a day where not much happens, sees the Moths visit the Harriers. Brosque and Thunder are the two biggest managers in the league, 6’6” and 6’7” respectively and both still terrifyingly strong. The match is one that the former striker, Thunder, will relish a lot more than the former defender, Brosque - largely because it’s anarchy, and it’s anarchy that decidedly favours the Moths. Vol and Johnson both get hat-tricks, for fuck’s sake! Ruhl managed two fantastic goals of his own, basically out of spite, but, well, it’s 7-3, there’s no real cause to celebrate. Brosque, to his credit, faces the music at full-time. “We’ll move on when we smash Crisisbless next week,” he announces to the press with gritted teeth.

The Harriers neither move on nor smash Crisisbless, who crush Chenoworth into a fine paste. Five goals, five different scorers, yet another frustrated Ruhl consolation, total domination. Their third straight defeat, but not to worry - they host a flatlining Extreme Hills next! The perfect panacea. They hope. The Moths keep pace with the Heelers by demolishing the Saints 4-1, despite going down within six minutes to Sinan Uzunlar’s neat finish. “We’re not going to be taken lightly,” North Laithland manager (but for how long?) Maria Kartakoullis barks out before hosting Brinemouth, who promptly take them lightly by resting Conjure, Soederquist, Scotti, Silkman and Roenoujya. They’re made to regret it when Patricia Etheridge’s stunning half-volley cracks home off the underside of the crossbar to secure a 3-2 win. Southfell chalk up a third straight win against a River side that’s starting to struggle, with Coridan Theo’s industry in the heart of midfield continuing to make the difference for them, Vasilis Nikas chalking up two assists and Julia Kerrigan finally finding form with two goals. After an excellent start to the season, have the Ferrymen run themselves into the ground?

The Moths are denied by Creed United, who have had an unremarkable campaign and started giving more chances to youth now that the UICA charge hasn’t… happened. It’s one such youth, Anthoulis Matraxis in goal, who saves Johnson’s penalty with his legs, and then after Townsend scores anyway in the 40th minute 19-year old Eastfield winger Raquel Accardi lofts home what she claims was a shot but was totally a cross two minutes later. Griffin should’ve had it covered anyway, a rare error he atones for with a brilliant double save late on. Crisisbless can’t capitalise, though, held to a scoreless draw by Parrhesia as Dragora Steelhenge again excels in the heart of defence. North Laithland keep their 4-2-3-1 formation and keep Gazzincha, who is totally invisible until his half-time substitution as Morningstar splatter them 3-0. The Stars have found a natural goalscorer in the languid Kreisberg, but it’s Lopez whose sniping and elbowing and wrestling proves too hot to handle for the Spiders’ defence. Meanwhile, an otherwise standard affair between Starling and Vermillion Rage - Starling play better and win 2-0 - is enlivened by a pitch invader who makes a mad dash to rush Catherine Gryphon, take a knee and pull out a ring… before a steward spear-tackles him and three others pile on. “I think I knew that guy from high school,” a nonplussed Gryphon says after the match. “He was ugly then, too.”

Things are looking up for Extreme Hills, who manage an impressive record of one match unbeaten. It’s a match whether neither they nor the Saints can score, and there’s absolutely no end product, and the crowd is starting to turn against Fletcher. But she’s a club legend, so what to do? Start chanting about “only one Eury Nikas”, of course. Five 1-1 draws this week, including a key match between the Moths and Starling that sees Serra’s early, ferocious shot cancelled out by a brilliant Andisori solo goal, taking the ball in midfield and then mazing past four guys like they weren’t there before driving the ball low past Griffin, while Crisisbless succumb to a late equaliser from a diving header from much-maligned Soren Maaksemstad (first six league games: six goals - season and a half since: six goals) who briefly becomes a hero again. Athletic also stall to Brookford, and Treason surprisingly loses to Coret, no way past captain Cormak ‘the ‘Spider’ Brigadier’ Lethbridge in goal, with obscure winger Thanasi Holland coming off the bench late on to guide a header at the far post past Gideon Fletcher. Brinemouth aren’t slipping, at least, cruising to a 2-0 win over a stalling Corvette.

After a two-game ‘rest’ following the Moths and Crisisbless nightmares, Markus Sheffield is restored to the Harriers’ starting lineup and ends up having just about nothing to do, Feist, Sanna and Rexmont run the show, Ruhl mostly just fights for them and there’s a fair bit of pushing and shoving and the match ends 4-0. “Back on track,” sighs a relieved Mirzayev in the post-match interview.
Meanwhile, Soren’s… back? Creed struggle to break down the Hounds after being taken down to 10 men after an impulsive and terrible challenge from Bristoll, but Maaksemstad again comes off the bench and again gets their goal, again heading home Accardi’s cross. There’s more upheaval at the top of the table, with Brinemouth unpicked by Bishop’s pace on the counter after an off-day for Soederquist, Conjure and Candelo leads to turnover after turnover. Kuralay comes on to restore some order and does pull something back with a late, thumping drive, but it’s not enough, and the Cardinals win 2-1. Treason lose their second straight to an emphatic Vermillion Rage, Ben Randall’s destructive tactics unable to stifle Ryan Paulsson’s orchestration from midfield and Corvid Alemane, one of the most underrated forwards in the country, chalking up two assists from neat little cutbacks after carving Vyntra (Vyntra!) to shreds time and again. Crisisbless face Starling and drive relentlessly forward, Hargrave keeping them at bay through the first half but sadly it’s an error from young Calcipher Heston that undermines the Passerines, a poor clearance straight to Swan who promptly drives the ball into the roof of the net before he coughs up the ball to Gandhi under pressure, and while she shoots straight at Hargrave the rebound falls straight back to her, and she doesn’t make that mistake again. 2-0 the final score, and the Heelers lick their lips as the Moths scalp a fortunate point from an exuberant Violence - Johnson won a penalty under minimal contact from Tarrasch and smoothly converted it, but it’s valuable ground to gain. At the bottom of the table, Serpentine get the occasional key win that ensures they float above the relegation battle, bullying North Laithland into submission before Zalan’s header and Aya Bernman’s brace sinks them, Webster’s late consolation barely even that. Newrook, meanwhile, are indebted yet again to Alan Bothroyd. He makes all of seven touches as Southfell dominate Newrook everywhere but in the final third - the fifth of those touches is a powerful sidefoot from the edge of the area that Cooper agonisingly brushes fingertips to, but can’t do more. 1-0 to the Rooks, who badly needed it.

If United were at all daunted by the prospect of a trip to Sabrefell, it didn’t show - just as they’re taking the fight to established favourites Cornellians in the league, they took the fight to the Moths here. Regatta Aspenwood seemed particularly eager to show what she could do to a Premiership side, holding the edge over Haines at every step and slotting the open goal past Griffin’s near post after throwing him off with a neat step-over, and Jayden Fox’s seemingly speculative cross was met with terrifying force by Christian Lovenkrands to make it 2-0 to Handon in the first half-hour. Late in the half, though, Serra pulled one back - and early in the second, Scheherazade Meier provided the perfect throughball to nutmeg Hordern and give Johnson an opening she took full advantage of. The Moths started to assert themselves, but just as they started to look comfortable, Dilon Banach absolutely smashed the ball past Griffin from just outside the box.

The following day, Sabrefell Athletic travelled in turn to Schottia and took part in a blistering 3-3 draw with Cornellians, a dicey affair in which Oscar Coltrane made the difference for the Reds and truly showcased his value to the squad, grabbing the 3-1 game on the fifty-minute mark by the scruff of the neck and shaking it until it became 3-3. Tjêtê Dü Síbírí is the leading man for Dí Maozöxê, scoring a first-half brace before Tímô Êxís’ long drive was spilled through the usually reliable Sheffield’s hands for a likely fatal third. “They were a cut above tonight, and they really did show it,” Brosque admitted. With two early away goals, Crisisbless think they’ve done enough to put Baskita away… at least until the young, quick Orsolya Gere’s well-timed cutback is backheeled instinctively into the net by Cosumar international Xavier Wingfield.

In Malta Fletcher’s tenth match, the previous nine having been almost universally awful, Extreme Hills… pick up a win. And a clean sheet for the impressive Tournay, but it’s Dexter Vorbeck, last season’s top scorer in the second tier, who snaps a long scoreless run with a spectacular diving header to sink a speechless Starling. “We had 76% possession,” Lisa Amos mentions three times in the press conference. Yeah, but… you lost. Brinemouth absolutely pulverise Newrook 5-1, and it’s a worrying lapse in form for Magda Kattner who should really have saved three of the shots - already their third goalkeeper of the campaign. Bothroyd does score again, but Newrook look out of other ideas. Even worse, pretty much all their other rivals pick up points - North Laithland simply pass the ball into the net, Prisca Stenet ultimately with the killing blow, Diamondqueen edge a breathless contest against Creed 3-2 as Auburn Weber has one of her best games for the club and Morningstar face the Saints, fight one another to a 2-2 standstill at half-time until Lopez provokes Steelhenge with jabs, nudges and ankle-taps until the impetuous young defender knees him full in the balls, just as the referee starts to look over. She’s sent off, Lopez limps off, and his replacement - forgotten man Niko Boldman - tries to remind everyone he exists with a tidy brace to win the game. At the top of the table, Crisisbless face off against the Chariots and it’s a genuinely breathless match, end-to-end stuff. Crisisbless start strong, Drenas and Jevdjevic-Hadsic getting on the scoresheet and only good saves from Selkie preventing the lead from extending, but the Chariots… genuinely don’t seem phased by it. They just keep going and going, unsettling Crisisbless with their intensity and the weakness of their system is that if Lauro Tedesco fucks up at literally any time they are screwed. Unfortunately, the rock-solid holding midfielder does so twice. A bad pass lets Coppinger into score and then a missed sliding challenge allows Klein, upon her return from injury, to play a lovely pass through for incisive forward Escrow to score as well. It gets worse - on the hour mark, Rafford hacks down Escrow from behind and Klein, who really is leading by example now, slots home the penalty. But Crisisbless fight back. It takes a slip from Raskin at first, who claims she’s shoved by Lohengrin on a deadly forward run but nobody cares and the fullback takes the shot on herself, hitting it low under Selkie for her first goal of the season. Five minutes later? It’s 4-3 when Lohengrin’s cross bounces in the area, Isaia Urso runs onto it and hammers it home, and despite a late surge from the Chariots Marciak holds firm to deny them. But they save their cheers for the following day, when Treason edge the Moths 1-0 through Cantor’s goal. With the Sabrefell derby coming up, Crisisbless are just a point off the top...

The Moths give Handon a taste of their own medicine, getting stuck in right in their faces from the off. Haines hacks down Aspenwood early on, Etzebeth pulverises Banach, Serra and Meier force Na’Kefir into sharp saves, and… Handon take the lead when a brilliant long ball from Hellion splits open the Moths’ defence, and Dostalok narrowly beats Griffin to tap the ball home. The Moths fight back, and hard, and there’s a scuffle from a corner when Handon’s Nepharim defender Lukas Finnan and Solara Vol wrestle one another to the ground (six of one, half a dozen the other) - Imriel Townsend strikes sweetly just before the hour mark to give the Moths hope. But that’s as good as it got, and Handon held firm for the win.

Reinhard Shale’s Cornellians, on the back of a damaging 3-2 defeat to surprise title rivals Lammerton, look out of sorts at a really bad time against Athletic. Rainsford’s fifteenth-minute penalty and Coltrane’s free header puts Athletic in a 2-0 lead at half-time and while an aesthetically fantastic Uenterhausen strike that hit both posts before settling into the net makes things interesting, substitute Grey Meisler finishes them off with her first touch in the 74th minute. The Harriers were sunk as soon as … as Tj… as Tjete du… as a young Farfish striker breaks free and slots home past a stranded Sheffield fifteen minutes in. Baskita actually take the lead even sooner, just eleven minutes into the match when Wingfield’s header puts them ahead, but Crisisbless still lead on away goals and remain settled. It’s an even contest, and Crisisbless deserve to equalise on the day when Allison Swan slips through Leona Rafford, somehow the Heelers’ furthest player forward at the time, and the rampant fullback slots home. Even on the day, 3-2 on aggregate, Crisisbless follow Athletic to the next round.

Treason versus Crisisbless and the Sabrefell derby. This is a keystone matchday for the title race, a real date to circle on the calendar. To start with the derby, then. There’s been a lot of talk of Athletic not looking quite ‘right’ this season, but what looks more practically the case is just that Tom Benedict is slowly bedding in his preferred style of play. Today? It clicks. Athletic are the better side from the start, and look eager to avenge their 3-0 reverse earlier in the season. Shots from Rainsford and Bereveskos scorch Griffin’s palms early on before Linden Lucassen’s header… doesn’t. Because it’s buried into the top corner. Twelve minutes in. Four minutes later, it’s 2-0, Coltrane deciding he is not interested in suspense, before playing in Rudden to be hacked down by Vicelich in the box. Rainsford slots the penalty low and hard for 3-0. Within half an hour. Early in the second half, though, Vicelich atones with a perfect diagonal cross that goes straight for Vol, who dinks it perfectly into the net after effortlessly holding Gerhardt off. The comeback is on! she shouts audibly to the crowd, who roar again, but it isn’t, because Athletic kill the momentum with a series of brutal challenges and then, in the 70th minute, with Chloe Rudden’s grasscutter that goes through a crowd of legs, is seen late by Griffin and sneaks agonisingly under his hands. 4-1. The Moths’ second straight defeat. Crisisbless, held 1-1 by Treason, may miss the chance to reach the top - but they’re now level on points.

Elsewhere, Brinemouth barely edge the Otters to round out the top four as Starling hold in fifth. Gabriella Antonio’s brace secures Coret’s fourth straight clean sheet win as they ease past Southfell on the day and the Harriers, held by North Laithland, on the table - they’re now seventh. Is this finally it? The promised land of the Globe Cup? Vermillion breaks down and clinically destroys Chatswood, Antunovic and Cassadore administering the finishing touches, and a slumping Raven River rounds out the top ten and the teams really in the UICA hunt. Bishop and Creed, nine points adrift, could theoretically also break into the picture, but Bishop lack the required quality and Creed the required consistency.

In the danger zone, Carrie Mason’s brace eases the Dragons past Parrhesia to continue to keep them juuuust out of the relegation picture. North Laithland, despite their well-won point, remain firmly in it. Chatswood have the best goal difference of the strugglers, but they’ve been reined in somewhat. Morningstar secure a valuable away point from Creed with Niko Boldman (again!) scoring their equaliser, but their point is matched by Newrook - Rook Fenwick’s pearl of a free kick enough to match River - and Diamondqueen, most impressively of all, fighting back from 2-0 down away in Starling to notch up a 2-2 draw. Okay, so Gallagher’s red card for a flying elbow on Hemeyer helps, but that’s a point well-earned. The time has come for the bottom two, though - Extreme Hills, who have absolutely flat-lined, and Corvette, who have lost four straight without scoring and have one point from their last thirteen matches. The Chariots outclass the former 3-0, Bishop outclass the latter 3-0. Those two aside, the title race has been flung wide open, there’s a relegation place and a half to decide and even a hotly-contested fight for UICA.

One thing’s for sure: this is the best Premiership season ever.

Second tier’s not bad, either. The top three are solidifying, and Shale are very much fucked, but pretty much anything could happen in the closing stages. What’s happened so far is that Goodfeather have been solid, edging games consistently, dominating possession but actually defending solidly and doing things with it. Without ever really blowing a side away, they find themselves top, with the talented but flaky Rovers a point behind. In third, Leichhardt are left to rue four straight draws, from which they sort of recovered with a 4-0 win over Hackett and 3-0 over West Brinemouth but stumbled again, losing 2-0 to Maximum City to cede top spot. Six points behind, Corvistone’s inconsistency is costing them - they hold fourth after going toe-to-toe with the league’s best, but painful defeats to Sheridan and Crossroads have followed rotation that tests depth they just don’t have. Robby Stanford, at least, is scoring freely. Cranequin and South Laithland both drop points, but they’re well in the hunt as well, with Crisisbless United, a disappointing North Sabrefell (just battered 4-1 by lowly Hackett) and Armstrong (who have lost three straight) rounding out the likely challengers.

In midtable, Ritter Town and Maximum City occupy a comfortable position, five points removed from 9th and six from 12th. They are stable and unexciting, which will please Brandon Laithstrider’s Stallions far more than Almuth Coppell’s Smiths. Sherries are themselves, scoring and conceding at a rate of less than a goal a game, a squad of seasoned veterans more or less surviving, but their recent form has been genuinely abject. Six straight defeats was followed by three straight draws, with one win in their last fourteen, but they’re ten points from danger. Cypher are stumbling post-Aragon, Vermillion Wanderers just happy to be insulated from danger, while Hackett and Belgrave have been far, far spicier. Hackett have been genuinely woeful at home, losing five straight to an aggregate score of 2-12, and were recently pulped 5-1 by Maximum Rovers and then 4-0 (at home) to Leichhardt in back to back games… then recovered by smashing North Sabrefell 4-1 away. Alexis Hannaday is their difference-maker. For Belgrave, a 3-0 home humiliation to Crossroads Town was the end for Malta Falconer, but obscure Brenecian manager Meriadoc Griffiths took over from Kingsgrove’s reserves. Under him, the Gargoyles have won three and drawn three from seven, including creditable away draws against Leichhardt and Goodfeather, a 3-2 away win over Cranequin Wanderers and an 8-1 mauling of East Laithland.

It’s reignited relegation fears for East Laithland, tucked in just behind Cranequin City (who have lifted themselves out of immediate danger), but both can be confident of there being four worse teams when the dust settles. Three straight draws for Crossroads Town continue to float them just above the danger zone, where West Brinemouth now sit precariously in 20th. Stefan Wright was choppered in as a firefighter after Tana Colbright left to join Diamondqueen, but the Gulls now look… joyless. And terrible. A 3-1 win over Belgrave (Griffiths’ sole loss) and 2-0 over Cranequin Wanderers seemed to have turned the corner, Shayna Markus discovering her scoring touch with three goals and an assist between the matches, but then Leichhardt ran them down 3-0 and they were terrible again. Coret just can’t stop conceding, despite clearly having what it takes up front, but they did manage to beat a toothless and freefalling Rochford (one win and four fucking goals from their last twelve) 1-0. Iron City, now managed by Alysia Garrett, have chalked up vital wins over Hackett and Coret and impressive ones against Cypher, South Laithland and most recently Corvistone to double their points tally and bring real momentum and hope. Shale, winless in fourteen, scoring all of two times in that stretch, have neither of those things, and they will be relegated.

With eight wins from their last ten, the Rovers are feeling pretty good right now. Inspired by the shouting of Catheline Harper, the calm midfield structure of Mona Gentile and the finishing of proven goalscorers Stamford and Starbuck, they just look on another level at the moment. Five points behind them, the Strongest have cantered into contention, while Greygate have promoted young goalkeeper Wotan Hornwood to first-choice and it appears to have paid real dividends in an already strong defence. Riverkey hold off Locksley on goal difference to maintain fourth, while Mantlegrove, Sutcroft and Pillars remain in immediate contention. An eight-point gap seperates 13th-placed Iron United and the haves from 14th-placed Martella Jazz and the have-nuts - Martella are in fact just five points away from relegation. The Hanged Man have really whisked themselves out of danger recently with seven wins from eleven. Currently, Boleyn Town and Dartmouth are in danger, Brindleton are in real risk of being cut adrift and Kensey Town… have conceded seventy-two goals.

More or less the same names at the top, with Gonen’s at the peak with their stubborn resilience and the goals of Falston Town and Lazuli Diamonds putting them in hot pursuit. Falston United, with the league’s best defence, hold off Chardonnay by four points, with Ox River also hopeful after a late surge while Alliance Barossia are slipping away after losing half of their last twelve games. Pravenna Saints are basically safe, seventeen points clear in 12th. It’s not so much a relegation battle as a battle to avoid 21st - even Fenland Albion, currently in it, are four points adrift, but with Downsparrow eleven, Bodkin Road sixteen and Fischer twenty-fucking-one points away from safety, their races are probably run.

PREMIERSHIP

Pos Team                      P   W   D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Sabrefell Moths          34  22   7   5  94  39  +55  73
  2 Crisisbless              34  22   7   5  77  38  +39  73
  3 Brinemouth               34  21   5   8  67  36  +31  68
  4 Sabrefell Athletic       34  20   7   7  78  41  +37  67
  5 Starling                 34  19   8   7  62  34  +28  65
  6 AFC Treason              34  17  11   6  54  31  +23  62
  7 Coret Hawks              34  18   5  11  64  45  +19  59
  8 Chenoworth Harriers      34  17   8   9  66  49  +17  59
  9 Vermillion Rage          34  17   5  12  57  47  +10  56
 10 Raven River              34  16   7  11  56  43  +13  55
 11 Bishop                   34  14   8  12  46  35  +11  50
 12 Creed United             34  15   5  14  44  45   -1  50
 13 Brookford Otters         34  14   6  14  55  56   -1  48
 14 Violence Chariots        34  13   7  14  60  69   -9  46
 15 Parrhesia United         34  10   9  15  49  58   -9  39
 16 Southfell United         34  12   3  19  38  59  -21  39
 17 AFC Serpentine           34  10   8  16  38  56  -18  38
 18 North Laithland          34  10   4  20  38  64  -26  34
 19 Chatswood                34   9   5  20  29  48  -19  32
 20 Morningstar              34   8   8  18  34  57  -23  32
 21 Newrook City             34   8   7  19  40  61  -21  31
 22 Diamondqueen             34   8   7  19  49  77  -28  31
 23 Extreme Hills            34   5   5  24  30  89  -59  20
 24 Corvette Maulers         34   5   4  25  34  82  -48  19

FIRST DIVISION

Pos Team                          P   W   D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Goodfeather FC               34  21   6   7  51  29  +22  69
  2 Maximum Rovers               34  20   8   6  63  29  +34  68
  3 Leichhardt                   34  19   9   6  51  22  +29  66
  4 AFC Corvistone               34  16  12   6  56  36  +20  60
  5 Cranequin Wanderers          34  16  11   7  55  40  +15  59
  6 South Laithland              34  16  10   8  46  26  +20  58
  7 Crisisbless United           34  17   6  11  56  41  +15  57
  8 North Sabrefell              34  17   6  11  51  44   +7  57
  9 Armstrong                    34  16   7  11  40  31   +9  55
 10 Ritter Town                  34  16   2  16  43  38   +5  50
 11 Maximum City                 34  14   8  12  37  33   +4  50
 12 Sheridan                     34  11  11  12  31  31   +0  44
 13 Cypher Town                  34  11   9  14  29  36   -7  42
 14 Vermillion Wanderers         34  11   8  15  34  45  -11  41
 15 Hackett                      34  12   4  18  42  67  -25  40
 16 Belgrave                     34  10   9  15  47  55   -8  39
 17 Cranequin City               34   9  11  14  35  50  -15  38
 18 East Laithland Harriers      34  10   8  16  38  58  -20  38
 19 Crossroads Town              34   9   9  16  37  55  -18  36
 20 West Brinemouth              34   8  11  15  27  39  -12  35
 21 Coret Rovers                 34   9   7  18  45  55  -10  34
 22 Rochford                     34   8  10  16  26  36  -10  34
 23 Iron City                    34   9   5  20  25  44  -19  32
 24 AFC Shale                    34   5   9  20  17  42  -25  24

SECOND DIVISION

Pos Team                       P   W   D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Chenoworth Rovers         34  22   4   8  49  29  +20  70
  2 The Strongest             34  20   5   9  54  37  +17  65
  3 Greygate                  34  18   9   7  53  26  +27  63
  4 Riverkey                  34  17  10   7  52  27  +25  61
  5 Locksley                  34  19   4  11  53  40  +13  61
  6 Mantlegrove               34  17   9   8  49  36  +13  60
  7 Sutcroft                  34  17   8   9  44  33  +11  59
  8 Pillars of Southfell      34  17   7  10  45  33  +12  58
  9 Stonegrave                34  16   7  11  43  26  +17  55
 10 Crisisbless Athletic      34  15   5  14  60  43  +17  50
 11 South Parrhesia           34  13  10  11  44  40   +4  49
 12 Southriver                34  12  13   9  44  41   +3  49
 13 Iron United               34  13   9  12  36  40   -4  48
 14 Martella Jazz             34  11   7  16  33  41   -8  40
 15 Kommissar                 34  11   7  16  35  44   -9  40
 16 The Hanged Man            34  12   3  19  29  39  -10  39
 17 Strephonage               34   9  11  14  28  35   -7  38
 18 West Hook                 34   9   9  16  28  41  -13  36
 19 Barossia United           34   9   9  16  27  40  -13  36
 20 Peregrine                 34   9   9  16  39  63  -24  36
 21 Boleyn Town               34   9   8  17  27  42  -15  35
 22 Dartmouth Terriers        34  10   4  20  33  52  -19  34
 23 Brindleton                34   6  10  18  34  53  -19  28
 24 Kensey Town               34   6   5  23  34  72  -38  23

THIRD DIVISION

Pos Team                     P   W   D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Gonen's Bridge          34  22   6   6  60  27  +33  72
  2 Falston Town            34  22   4   8  75  42  +33  70
  3 Lazuli Diamonds         34  20   6   8  77  42  +35  66
  4 Falston United          34  20   6   8  50  22  +28  66
  5 Chardonnay Rangers      34  18   8   8  49  23  +26  62
  6 Ox River United         34  18   7   9  59  28  +31  61
  7 Alliance Barossia       34  16  10   8  45  32  +13  58
  8 Gridlock Rovers         34  15  11   8  56  38  +18  56
  9 Long Lake               34  15   7  12  40  32   +8  52
 10 Dross Rovers            34  14   9  11  51  50   +1  51
 11 Ballardine FC           34  13  11  10  45  47   -2  50
 12 Pravenna Saints         34  15   4  15  36  34   +2  49
 13 Sutcroft Athletic       34  12  10  12  46  38   +8  46
 14 Rushe United            34  11  12  11  43  40   +3  45
 15 Ringway                 34  11   9  14  33  48  -15  42
 16 Mapleford               34  12   5  17  41  64  -23  41
 17 Brookway Town           34   8  14  12  47  54   -7  38
 18 FC Seierstad            34   8  13  13  38  47   -9  37
 19 Gosmouth Swans          34  10   7  17  40  53  -13  37
 20 Iberia Chenoworth       34   9   9  16  49  69  -20  36
 21 Fenland Albion          34   9   5  20  27  49  -22  32
 22 Downsparrow             34   6   7  21  34  68  -34  25
 23 Bodkin Road             34   4   8  22  26  71  -45  20
 24 Fischer                 34   3   6  25  26  75  -49  15

CONFERENCE WEST

Pos Team                        P   W   D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Boltcroft Thorns           34  20   8   6  68  38  +30  68
  2 Sirencall FC               34  18   6  10  62  49  +13  60
  3 Corinthians No Longer      34  16  11   7  61  37  +24  59
  4 Fully Sick XI              34  17   7  10  60  46  +14  58
  5 Grovebank                  34  15  11   8  42  35   +7  56
  6 Brokenarch                 34  14  13   7  50  37  +13  55
  7 Gridlock                   34  14  12   8  33  24   +9  54
  8 Capricopia Rangers         34  12  14   8  57  48   +9  50
  9 AFC Brackwold              34  11  15   8  48  40   +8  48
 10 Gridlock East              34  13   7  14  38  45   -7  46
 11 Swag Hill Rovers           34  11  11  12  54  52   +2  44
 12 Courser                    34  12   8  14  43  42   +1  44
 13 Bellamy                    34  12   8  14  37  42   -5  44
 14 Harrington                 34  10  11  13  42  43   -1  41
 15 Stonesthrow Town           34   9  12  13  34  39   -5  39
 16 Norton Road                34  10   7  17  33  55  -22  37
 17 Nay Town                   34   7  13  14  39  52  -13  34
 18 Sleetwell Rangers          34   8   8  18  44  62  -18  32
 19 Tryst Athletic             34   7   7  20  31  64  -33  28
 20 Forge Carpenters           34   3  13  18  17  43  -26  22

CONFERENCE EAST

Pos Team                    P   W   D   L For   Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Hartford Glade         34  19  11   4  78   39  +39  68
  2 Rochford Pilgrims      34  21   5   8  79   51  +28  68
  3 Brunyard FC            34  18  10   6  62   38  +24  64
  4 Aries Solitaire        34  19   5  10  76   38  +38  62
  5 Stamper Road           34  19   5  10  64   44  +20  62
  6 Corvistone City        34  15  14   5  47   26  +21  59
  7 South Brill            34  15   8  11  42   35   +7  53
  8 Blaze                  34  14  10  10  69   42  +27  52
  9 Senway Town            34  15   7  12  61   56   +5  52
 10 Rookwall               34  13   7  14  39   38   +1  46
 11 The Travellers FC      34  12   9  13  42   45   -3  45
 12 Sandrock               34  12   9  13  32   39   -7  45
 13 Twelvetrees            34  13   4  17  33   48  -15  43
 14 Coral Bay              34   9  11  14  46   57  -11  38
 15 Mainstream Fist        34  10   7  17  53   77  -24  37
 16 Violence Tigers        34   9   9  16  40   48   -8  36
 17 Masculine Town         34  11   1  22  52   71  -19  34
 18 Corby Hubris           34   8   8  18  41   54  -13  32
 19 Celebryant FC          34   6   8  20  34   71  -37  26
 20 Lackerrun              34   8   0  26  43  116  -73  24

Nepharan Domestic Newswire - the Zenith

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