WA publishes secret dossiers on diplomats
WA HEADQUARTERS (Allied Press) --- To the surprise of virtually no one, the New York Times feverishly reported this week that Kennyite National Security Adviser Cdr. Jenny Chiang has been secretly compiling reports on her WA colleagues for the past three years. Seeking to avoid any potential embarrassments should this sensitive information fall into the wrong hands, the Secretariat decided on Tuesday to release it all, arguing, "If anyone is going to leak this stuff, it might as well be us, your eminently unbiased moderators."
Within minutes, the WA's Necessary Security had swarmed upon Kennyite diplomatic offices to collect Chiang's dossiers, and by the end of the business day, short synopses of all diplomats' personal info appeared on the Secretariat's Web site.
Security personnel were shocked by the sheer volume of the information Chiang had collected over the years (much of it doubtlessly obtained over torture). Urgench's file alone was said to occupy an entire row of storage lockers.
Secretariat members expressed their Official Dismay at Chiang's actions. "Oh, I am absolutely shocked the commander would sink to such lows," Ardchoille's Dicey Reilly said dully into her copy of that morning's edition of the Ardrigh Herald. "I don't think any of us thought she'd stoop to spying on anybody," the Wrongfully President for Life insisted unconvincingly as she sighed and turned the page. "Damn, someone's already done the crossword puzzle."
Questioned outside the Kennyite offices about her behavior Tuesday, Chiang lazily pulled a reporter into her interrogation room, strapped him to a table and commenced pouring water on his face. As the reporter screamed into the wet towel covering his face and the stream of water splashing against it, the commander despondently wondered whether the thrill had gone from torturing unwilling informants. But then she discovered that simultaneously delivering electric shocks to the reporter's hindquarters made the experience a bit more exciting.
The summaries of diplomats' info contained brief personal, family and employment histories of all WA representatives and their staff members, as shown in the following summary on the Kennyite ambassador -- the info for which was largely culled from his file in the Kennyite FBI's Most Wanted Terrorists List (he was #3):
Ambassador - Susa Batko-Yovino
Age: 34
Birthplace: Calabasas, Santa Califia
Family: A proud Xt'Tapolopaquetl native, Susa lost his parents at the tender age of 16, when they were recruited for the Xt'Tap liberation movement in San Andreas. That is to say, they were kidnapped, strapped to TNT belts and sent into a Kennyite military checkpoint, where they heroically martyred themselves when their commanders detonated them by remote control. Then his sister Susannah, four years his senior, left him to shack up with some loser in Paradise City who introduced her to the glitz and glamor of Kennyite politics; Susannah is now a former speaker of the Federal Assembly currently serving as ambassador to The Palentine. Susa acquired a bunch of resentful Karmicarian in-laws when he married their Queen Adrienne in 2006, becoming possibly the first member of the royal family to be subsequently banned from the country as a "severe security risk."
Education: MBA, University of Santa Califia at Calabasas
Employment: Susa, who formerly competed as an amateur boxer paid his way through business school, was appointed to President Fernanda's cabinet in 2005 at the behest of his sister (who has very powerful corporate sponsors). The first-ever Kennyite to assume a royal title from a foreign country, "King" Susa was later declared president of Karmicaria when beloved wife Adrienne abdicated in 2007. He disappeared shortly thereafter, but turned up later in an SVS prison, having been captured on a Chechen battlefield by troops who apparently did not recognize him, and had this crazy idea that he was an Islamic militant! Luckily, he escaped treason charges, and was named ambassador to the United Nations, and needless to say he's made quite the impression on his fellow diplomats ever since.
Background: The Kennyite ambassador has always longed to follow in his parents' footsteps and join the pantheon of martyrs who have shed innocent Kennyite blood in the name of Jesus Christ -- only he really sucks at it, and has been foiled in multiple occasions. Otherwise, Susa is just a two-bit sleaze with a thing for hookers, kleptomania and excessive gambling, and seducing rich women so he can rob them blind and continue on with his costly habits. That's partly how he ended up with Queen Adrienne, and now that she's gone and willed him a veritable buttload of Karmicarian stocks, notably Karmicarian Callboys/Callgirls Unlimited™, he's been irritating KCU execs to no end with his constant stock sales to pay off the Mob bosses who control most gaming rackets in OMGTKK. He's sort of been "inherited" by Adrienne's sister Izzy, now the president of her country, but he keeps flaking on their "conjugal visits" together to gamble and man-whore. He is a frequent customer of Karmicarian Ambassador Tana Petrov's, and no one knows why she keeps allowing him to see her: we're pretty sure she's aware of all the petty thefts he's committed in her office and bedroom every time they Rock the Casbah.
Fun facts: Susa and his former deputy, Capt. Jenny Chiang, are the defendants in a massive class-action lawsuit filed by Kennyite Orthodox Puritans For Ending Excessive Libertinism, seeking restitution for all the "torture sessions" the two have freakishly indulged in on the taxpayers' dime.
Politics: All the infidels must die.
Titles: Current: Ambassador to the World Assembly; Former (from most recent): Ambassador to the United Nations (2007-08), President of Karmicaria (2007), King of Karmicaria (2006-07), Secretary of the Treasury (2005-07)
Responsibilities: Very few. He's pretty much an exile and persona non-grata, and only shows up for comic relief. So unless you want to end up in the Vastiva Memorial Reflecting Pool outside, or be kidnapped for one of his sick YouTube videos, don't insult him, or the Xt'Tapolopaquetl.
Interests: Blackjack, slot machines, stretch Hummers, champagne, wailing on his sister's deadbeat boyfriends, manicures and other disturbingly metrosexual habits, kicking fellow diplomats in the nuts.
Once said: "Accusing me and my fellow countrymen of being 'totally mindless and unserious'? How dare you, sir!"
Staff: Susa is assisted by an able new team of Kennyite and international diplomats, about whom more can be learned by reading this post.
[OOC instructions/fine print: OK, so the purpose of this thread should be quite clear -- copy/paste the survey above and replace my answers with your own. A few requests: please do not post prohibitively large images for your ambassador and/or staff members (if the pics are too big, you can image-search for a smaller version, or just post the link). Links to Factbook Dispatches and outside wikis are welcome, but will no longer be added to the directory -- way too many broken links there!]
