La Verdad
Worst loss ever? Good news
In a tone that even former manager Cristian Delgado would have considered too optimistic, Pedro Flores, from the football association, spoke out after a crushing defeat to Legalese. "Okay, good news, everyone," he announced as if desperate to convince himself. "I'm pretty confident that Aguazul just went through their worst defeat ever!
No, seriously, it's good that we've got that settled," he went on. "Remember last time when we lost by three? And we weren't sure whether that was our worst loss ever because we'd lost by three some other times? Well, today I can say with confidence that over the course of ninety minutes, I really cannot remember our national football team being so abjectly, inexcusably, horrible. Now there doesn't have to be this confusion in the record books. We have a worst defeat, and it was one unmarred by deadly bombings in the host country.
Good news," he repeated, while shuddering at a glimpse of a television replaying the match.
The first half was, in fact, a somewhat competitive affair, though poised to be an upset for the hosts. Flukish Jimmy Jay was certainly having one of his better days, giving Legalese the lead on an assist from Jack Wayne. Though Aguazul tied it through Ramón Galindo, Garry Maharry would approach to restore Legalese's lead.
"It was clear they were pushing us from the start," Flores explained. "It wasn't like we had had the lead and blown it, or were playing our subs because we'd gotten overconfident. No hamartia or anything like that, as they say in Wight. If there'd been any wasted effort that I guess could have been worse, but no, it was a hopeless mess basically from start to finish. So we just have to put this behind us and move on."
As for the second half...that was somewhat more troublesome. Kelvin Bassford scored early on for Legalese, then quickly added a second goal off an assist from Maharry. Monte Kelshimer assisted Jay on Legalese's fifth goal of the night. Celia Rimoldi, scorer of the only goal when these teams met at the Brevity Challenge Cup, had been booked in the first half and was increasingly getting on Sander Stoa's nerves. Finally, perhaps swayed by the enthusiastic hosts, he issued her a second yellow with ten minutes to play, by which time Aguazul had already used up all their substitutions on relieving the exhausted defense.
"I mean, when you think about it, that's all right," said Flores. "If she'd been ejected before that we could say "well, we don't know how pathetic it would have been if we'd had eleven players," but by and large we did have eleven players, and it was wholly awful. So there's none of this uncertainty, see? That's a relief! And, you know, if she's going to get sent off at some point in this cycle, which is a risk you take, it might as well be now. Because even if she's suspended for the next game or so, I'm really not sure any of those starters deserve to play the next match anyway. So no great loss.
On the whole," he concluded, "we weren't robbed or anything, all the decisions were correct. We just played like a completely incompetent team, with a level of ineptitude surpassing anything I can recall from last cycle trying to reestablish ourselves or even our earliest days as a national side. This atrocious standard was simply beyond dispute."
The result dropped Aguazul to third in the group with one match to go in the first half of qualifiers, a point behind undefeated Legalese and Thatius. "That's good to know where we stand," Flores explained. "If we'd been tied with them again like we were before, people will just get complacent about it, be like "oh, goal difference, we're fine because we're not conceding all that much." This, on the other hand, is a very clear message and hopefully a kick in the pants.
Let's be fair, Legalese are a good team, they've kept it close before, and I would never be certain of a victory against any side but particularly not away to the second seeds. They're strong. On the other hand, losing by four is just beyond the scope of what we're used to, and if someone had proposed gambling on this result and I had been allowed to bet on it...I would certainly have bet against this at ridiculous odds, then been greatly indebted. So, it's good news that I wasn't able to do that.
And there's more good news," Flores said to this reporter. "I see that you have just about completed your column, and will surely not want to write any more about this particular debacle. Thus, this interview has spared the furious coach and miserable players from having to deal with your questions, which is probably for the best."
