Baptism of Fire 44 Everything thread.

[Mangolana]

MD5 RP cut-off

RP Cut-off for MD5

Ordonez Group, Played at Republic Stadium
Camwood 3-3 Gyatso-kai
Tal Vararr 0-0 Trimasia

Ordonez Standings

   Team           P W D L For Ag +/- Pts
 1 Mapletish      3 3 0 0  5  1 +4  9
 2 Camwood        4 2 1 1  7  5 +2  7
 3 Gyatso-kai     3 1 1 1  8  7 +1  4
 4 Arcatea        3 1 1 1  5  5 +0  4 
 5 Tal Vararr     4 0 2 2  3  6 -3  2
 6 Trimasia       3 0 1 2  0  4 -4  1


Montgomery Group, Played at Mangolanites Stadium
Tryienne 1-1 Eggy216
New Gaelicia 1-0 Wadomia
Osesnsasandaes 3-1 The Vuhifellian States

Montgomery Standings

   Team                       P W D L For Ag +/- Pts
 1 Nicole Scherzinger         4 4 0 0  9  2 +7 12
 2 Osesnsasandaes             4 2 1 1  5  3 +2  7
 3 Wadomia                    4 2 1 1  3  2 +1  7
 4 Tryienne                   4 1 2 1  3  3 +0  5
 5 New Gaelicia               4 1 2 1  3  4 -1  5
 6 Eggy216                    5 0 3 2  3  5 -2  3
 7 The Vuhifellian States     5 0 1 4  4 11 -7  1

Shogun Group, Played at Citizens Payed Stadium
Greater Coventry 2-0 Freezingland
Iphmopf 6-0 The Peterwood Estate

Shogun Standings

   Team                     P W D L For Ag +/- Pts
 1 Iphmopf                  4 4 0 0 12  2 +10 12
 2 Greater Coventry         4 2 1 1  4  2  +2  7
 3 Braxil                   3 1 2 0  3  1  +2  5
 4 Freezingland             3 0 1 2  3  6  -3  1
 5 Lonaga                   3 0 1 2  1  5  -  4  1
 6 The Peterwood Estate     3 0 1 2  0  7  -7  1

Jimenez Group, Played at Mangolana City Stadium
Hladio Huggers 0-0 Cygning
The Golden Tamarind 3-1 Hippostania
Rouge Pioneers 2-1 Ohio Island

Jimenez Standings

   Team                    P W D L For Ag +/- Pts
 1 The Golden Tamarind     4 4 0 0  9  1  +8 12
 2 Rouge Pioneers          4 2 2 0  7  5  +2  8
 3 Miley World             4 2 1 1  3  2  +1  7
 4 Cygning                 5 1 3 1  9 11  -2 6
 5 Hladio Huggers          4 1 1 2  2  4  -2  4
 6 Ohio Island             5 0 2 3  3  7  -4  2
 7 Hippostania             4 0 1 3  7 11  -4  1

[Qazox]

RP Cutoff for Qazox Region, scores up shortly.

[Qazox]

Club Group
Zoobians 0–2 Seunem
Carmadin 1–1 Thatius
Byes: Brendino the 3rd and Zhevalsso-zhevalsso

Club Group              Pld   W  D  L   GF  GA  GD  Pts 
1 Seunem                  3   2  1  0    6   2  +4    7
2 Carmadin                3   1  2  0    2   1  +1    5
3 Thatius                 4   1  2  1    4   6  −2    5
4 Zhevalsso-zhevalsso     3   1  1  1    3   3   0    4
5 Brendino the 3rd        3   1  0  2    4   5  −1    3
6 Zoobians                4   1  0  3    4   6  −2    3

Diamond Group
Howdeellow 0–1 Côte de Platine
Skalholt 0–4 The Kytler Peninsulae
Yiland 1–1 Dixie Provinces
Bye: Triimoria

Diamond Group           Pld   W  D  L   GF  GA  GD  Pts 
1 The Kytler Peninsulae   4   3  0  1   12   2 +10    9
2 Côte de Platine         4   2  1  1    3   2  +1    7
3 Howdeellow              5   1  3  1    4   3  +1    6
4 Triimoria               4   1  2  1    5   5   0    5
5 Yiland                  4   1  2  1    2   3  −1    5
6 Skalholt                4   1  1  2    1   5  −4    4
7 Dixie Provinces         5   0  3  2    4   7  −3    3

Heart Group
Ponoka 1–0 Chuckio
Puttania 0–1 Ipeland
Krumbia 1–3 Lymantatia
Bye: Garon-Averia

Heart Group             Pld   W  D  L   GF  GA  GD  Pts 
1 Lymantatia              5   2  2  1    8   6  +2    8
2 Ipeland                 4   2  1  1    8   2  +6    7
3 Krumbia                 4   2  0  2    5   6  −1    6
4 Ponoka                  5   1  2  2    6  12  −6    5
5 Garon-Averia            4   1  2  1    3   2  +1    5
6 Chuckio                 4   1  2  1    2   2   0    5
7 Puttania                4   1  1  2    2   4  −2    4

Spade Group
Beldonia 0–2 Deep Freid Bacon
Megadia 8–1 Blutrieger
Byes: Kazerjan and Euskirribakondara

Spade Group             Pld   W  D  L   GF  GA  GD  Pts 
1 Euskirribakondara       3   2  1  0    4   1  +3    7
2 Deep Freid Bacon        3   2  0  1    3   3   0    6
3 Megadia                 3   1  2  0   12   5  +7    5
4 Blutrieger              4   1  2  1    4   8  −4    5
5 Beldonia                4   0  2  2    3   6  −3    2
6 Kazerjan                3   0  1  2    0   3  −3    1

[Megadia]

Megadia rose to 3rd place in the Spade Group last night after an 8-1 demolition of Blutrieger. Megadia were yet to record their first win of the tournament but their performance against Blutrieger could be described as a perfect display of football by the Megastars. The team was ruffled up a bit for the match, di Michele, Maartens, Derry and Rogers all starting and the changes definitely paid off.

Megadia got off to a fantastic start, the first goal coming from a well executed half-volley from David Rogers before he set up Middleton for another goal 6 minutes later to make it 2-0. As always, Austin Freshwater-Blake showed a beautiful combination of skill, precision and technique to score one himself, scoring yet again for the national team to make it 3-0. Bojan König, who had not much involvement in the game until this moment, sprinted down the wing, knocking the ball past the defender and drilling a cross into the box and Austin Freshwater-Blake came rushing and scored with a bullet of a header earning his second goal of the match whilst also increasing the scoreline to 4-0. Megadia, keen to further improve the scoreline, carried on counter attacking but one of their attacks involved an error by Joseph Eden, allowing the opposition left-back to rush up the pitch, nutmegging Lukasz Pondiowski on the way before knocking the ball past Tatianolovi for most likely, a consolation goal making the score 4-1. Megadia's 5th goal proved to be very embarrasing for both the Blutrieger fans and team, Stuart Halifax drilling a shot along the ground straight to the goalkeeper who somehow managed to flick the ball into his goal, sending the Megadia fans into hysterical laughter heading into the half-time break.

In the second half, Megadia continued to dominate, Brent Middleton going round the Blutrieger goalkeeper before tapping the ball in arrogantly for 6-1 and then Prince Bartholomew Megadia II scoring a well-placed effort from 25 yards out. But it was inevitable, even before the match started that one man was going to get a hattrick and that man is Austin Freshwater-Blake who produced a finesse chip to secure an 8-1 win against Bluetrieger.

Megadia now have a realistic chance of reaching the next stage of the Baptism of Fire 44 and interest in the tournament has increased a lot in Megadia since it first started.

[The Golden Tamarind]

Tamarindia 3-1 Hippostania

The project to progress to the knockout stages of the Baptism of Fire continues to develop apace, with the Tamarins looking more comfortable back in Mangolana with each passing game. Once more it's a good win over what looked like an experienced team coming into the tournament, but the struggling Ponies have had less of an impact on the Baptism of Fire than perhaps they would've liked, and the experiment of being managed and trained by small horses hasn't worked out well for them. The Great Yellow Curtain that is the Tamarindian defence looked comfortable and unchallenged for the better part of the game, although they did concede their first goal of the tournament.

Masvidal, hatrick hero last time out, was dropped to the bench for this game as coach Sampaio keeps things fresh with a bit of rotation. Académica's Marcos Suárez started alongside Sergio Basta and the front pairing looked confident on the ball, building an unassailable two goal lead before half time, with one apiece. The Tamarins dominated the second half as well, although they failed to capitalise on many half chances, and the Ponies caused a fright in the 73rd minute when Tyrone Wells gave the otherwise sterling Moscoso the slip, rounded Tapia, and scored a lifeline for Hippostania. But it was against the run of play and they couldn't build on it, Sampaio sending on Masvidal to calm things down and he set up Antonio Tejada for the third and the final blow.

Tamarindia look on track for progression to the knockout rounds, although they still have the tricky fixture with Rouge Pioneers to negotiate as well as with Ohio Island who have yet to win and will want to go home with something. Comrade-President Sunshine has stated that he will come to Mangolana if the boys win through the group stages, and that will be a massive boost to the squad, having the beloved leader supporting them.

---

#1. Comrade-President Doctor Jimmy Sunshine, Dictablanda
Tamarindia (1930 - present)

Our beloved leader, Doctor James Sunshine, Comrade-President, Dictablanda, is always, in every collection of football stickers issued in glorious Tamarindia, the number one in the collection, and comes as standard with the sticker books so that no young collector ever has to wait to receive an image of the father of the nation. Often the stickers picture him from his official portraits, in his state dress of be-medalled fishing coat and sailors cap that represents the twin powers of Tamarindia – the Spanish Ocean and the mastery of it by the Tamarindo. But his featuring in the books is not altogether just about patriotism and the love for the great father, since Jimmy Sunshine, the man, is passionate for football, the leading fan of Atlético Misión who are called Los Presidentos, and occasional player, despite his great age, for the Atlético veterans team in exhibition matches, when he prefers to play the role of sweeper and is of surprisingly good standard. Because of this affiliation, our Dictablanda often appears in sticker books in the colours of his favourite team, as can be seen above in this example from the 1960s.

The Man

Though he has written many books on the subject of his role in the development of Tamarindia, his theories on the great deception of democracy and several volumes of revisions of history, Comrade-President Doctor James Sunshine remains coy on the subject of his origins as little Iago Luz del Sol, the beggar boy of Misión. Historians have found it impossible to trace his origins, there is nothing written down from the time itself, no-one is sure when that time was, and there is certainly no-one left alive now who can provide anecdotal evidence. Even back in the 1920s, when the charismatic anarcho-syndicalist first came to prominence, there was not much background to speak of, but old men in the port of Misión were known to recall the cunning rebellious street urchin Iago as a contemporary back in the 1870s. A survivor, fierce fighter, fiercer friend, and charmer of old ladies and garrulous sailors, some say Iago was born and abandoned in Misión; but there were also stories that he was a ship-rat, born at sea, possibly from other shores, possibly from other times. As a boy he often claimed he was the son of Captain James Mission, who founded the pirate colonies a century and a half earlier. Some claimed he was Mission himself, a famous dabbler of the black arts, reborn and predestined to guide the pirate nation into modern times. There were stories, more pragmatic, that Iago was from the emerald isle Sceálta Grinn, or from Portsmouth, the flagship of the Royal Navy. Contemporaries of the boy Iago say that he shipped out of Misión in his early teens, on a tall ship bound for adventure in the Antarctic Wastes. There is no further record of him.

Whether Iago and Jimmy are the same person remains unclear, but since our beloved leader has barely aged a day in the time between the revolution of 1930 when real records began, to this day now when he still looks like a man of forty, no-one doubts it is possible. And no-one can explain how. Certainly he concurs that he grew up an orphan in Misión, and that he spent his early adult years at sea. Of his longevity our Comrade-President merely states that the fair country of the golden monkey keeps him in good health, and will continue to do so for as long as it needs him to look after it's people. Of his origins, when pressed, he will ask how someone of his age could possibly be expected to remember where they came from.

Atlético's Supporter #1

It seems clear that as a boy of Misión Jimmy Sunshine was interested in the football, and claims that from as young as he can remember he used to climb the fences at the Old Stadium in Misión to watch Atlético. Today he is their Primary Supporter, often at matches, sometimes playing in exhibitions, always ready to offer a comment to the press on their performances. What is also clear is that despite his immense influence into all aspects of life in Tamarindia, Doctor Sunshine has not interfered in the fair play and ebb and flow of football fortunes: Atlético, despite such powerful friends, and being the second team of just about the whole nation because of their Supporter #1, are quite hopeless as a football team. In their first 109 years they failed to win anything at all apart from the hearts and minds of a good proportion of the city, being better supported than their cross-town rivals and vastly more successful neighbours, Sparta. It is reassuring to know that football must be clean in Tamarindia, or Atlético would win everything. When they did finally win the Cup, to everyone's surprise and the obvious delight of the Comrade-President, they immediately erased any doubts of corruption by promptly getting relegated from the top division the next season.

Comrade-President

From the unauthorised CIA Factbook:
Doctor Sunshine continues to perform the role of unelected state head, and is on the world register of undemocratic dictators, something to which he seems proud to admit. He rejects democracy in all it's forms as degenerate, delusional and inherently corrupt. Outside agencies have been unable to explain satisfactorily his remarkable longevity – while his date and place of birth remains a mystery, unverified historical information suggests he must be over 140 years old, whilst he seems still to be a whole century younger than that in appearance, attitude and acuity.

From the authorised Nation States Factbook:
Doctor Jimmy Sunshine, the father of modern Tamarindia, has stood for re-election seven times, and has always stood unopposed. The Good Doctor is the supreme authority in the Syndicates but his authority extends only to the good management of the Syndicates and when this is in doubt all members of all syndicates do have the right to stand against him. As the custodian of the New Syndicalist Revolution, and the República, Doctor Sunshine is advised by his Cabinet, the House of Articles, the National Congress of Syndicates and by extension the nation.

From The New Syndicates, a revised memoir by Dr. Sunshine:
In 1917, after a decade of unrest and unhappiness about the growing inequality of Tamarindians, and with the world looking for new solutions to governing urbanised, mechanised societies, Sunshine published his Dictablanda, a synthesis of the Articles or pirate code, anarcho-syndicalism and marxist socialism under the paternal guiding hand of a benevolent dictatorship. Sunshine rejected democracy as the triumph of the mundane and government by the most manipulative. A popular movement sprung up around Dictablanda, the People's New Syndicalist Revolution, with Sunshine at the forefront. The industrialists fiercely resisted the movement, protecting their great wealth and influence, and many new syndicalists were imprisoned or exiled during the thirteen year struggle for freedom. Sunshine himself was incarcerated for three years and spent five in exile. Finally, upon his return in 1930, Sunshine engineered a coup d'etat and became the first, and only, Comrade-President of Tamarindia.

[Ipeland]

Simple victory for Sparrows
1-0 win elevates Ipes to second place

Game highlights
0:01 Puttania kick off
3:28 Puttania shot saved by Deniel Stainag
5:06 Kevin Texan shot comfortably saved
12:34 Streaker runs onto to field and collides with David Silverman. Both have minor head injuries. Silverman taken off, Wan King comes on. Streaker arrested
19:00 Wan King shot hits the bar and clear
27:34 Stuart Holden shot hits post
35:07 Puttania shot shaves post
41:23 Kevin Texan shot cleared off the line
45:00 4 minutes extra time
46:21 Puttania shot saved by Deniel Stainag
49:23 Half time

Half time score
Puttania 0-0 Ipeland

45:01 Ipeland kick off second half
50:09 Kevin Texan scores for Ipeland
70:54 Puttania shot saved by Deniel Stainag
80:90 Puttania shot shaves post
90:00 1 minute extra time
91:00 Full time

Full time score
Puttania 0-1 Ipeland
Texan '50

[Rouge Pioneers]

Another close win
Rouge pionners good performances continued today, as they got a 2-1 win over Ohio Island. The game was a close affair, due to Rouge Pioneers 3-4-3 formation, which leads to a lot of attacks. Even so, at half time it was still scoreless, with only a minor injury to Andy Lysanderson casuing Rouge Pioneers any real sort of trouble. Then, after 61 minutes, Jamar O'Brien broke through the defence, to hammer a shot into the top-left corner. This sparked Rouge Pionners into action, and they scored twince in 2 minutes, with a tap-in from John Ryans after 63 minutes, and a 25 yard shot from Ben Blue after 64 minutes. Despite some frantic defending near the end, Rouge Pioneers held on for a win. Our next game is against The Golden Tamarind, but we only need Hladio Huggers to lose against Hippostania or us in their next 2 games for us to qualify for the Round of 32.

Scorers:
61' Jamar O'Brien
63' John Ryabs
64' Ben Blue

[Mangolana]

Rp cut-off for my teams will be closer to midnight EST tonight

[Carmadin]

The team came off the bus smiling. "alright boys, come on, clap it up!" the team clapped in rhythm, drawing smile from the people there to see them. The Carmadin team had never been in such a good mood as they were in this tournament. Everyone was smiling and grinning and slapping backs, even Kihxaw Jahp, who had just given away his shutout, AND was coming off a bus. The Carmadin goal had been scored by Dowv Daz, who was emerging to be a superstar, in the 68th minute after Thatius scored early. The team knew there was work to do, 1-1 draws would'nt get them far in the round of 32, bur for now, it was just time to kick back and relax. They were home (or as home as the hotel could be, with all the dirty looks they got for the hall football matches), unbeaten, and morale was shooting up. This, thought Kihxaw Jahp, was happiness, football style.


When they entered the hotel, a chorus of applause reached their ears. The entire lobby began chanting "Car-ma-din! Car-ma-din!" it sent pleasant shivers up the spines of the whole team. Half these people werent even Carmadins, and here they were pouring out support for a team they'd never even heard of until they reached the hotel. One old lady told Guh Thi Nurng that they were supposed to leave tommorow, but had extended their stay just to be with the team, and support them. She then showed him 4 slips of paper. They were tickets for Carmadin's next match. "we can't wait to see you play" she said "you know, during all of your matches, the entire hotel is down in the bar watching the game. The roar when Mr. Daz scored was unbelievable. We hope, when you go home, you'll remember us folks here, and that we'll be checking our papers for Carmadin's scores."

It just felt great to know that three days ago, no one here had heard of Carmadin, and suddenly they had a whole hotelfull of people partying in the streets if they won, and crying themselves to sleep if they lost. They knew it was that way back in Carmadin, but somehow here it seemed more meaningful. It was closer to them.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Carmadin Draws Thatius 1-1, Dowv Daz scores second goal

Carmadin scored in the 68th minute to tie the score at 1-1 yesterday, and hang on to second in the Club Group. An amazing shot by Dowv Daz just slipped under the crossbar and into the net, spurring racaus parties amongst Carmadin supporters across the globe. The team's morale is exceptionally high, and they are prepped mentally and physically for their next match.

GO CARMADIN!!!

Dowv

[Miley World]

Miley World Daily Mail

Day off for Miley World

Miley World players enjoyed their day off, especially Alexandre Viard, who'se playing despite a minor upper body injury. It was reported that most Miley World players were hiking in Mangolana's largest forest. Some others were watching the game between Tamarindia and Hippostania at Mangolana City Stadium, and apparently they were talking with some ponies attending the game. Miley World has only two games renamaining. 1 against Cygning and 1 against Hippostania. Here's our predictions:

Miley World 1 Cygning 1

Miley World 2 Hippostania 0

[Lymantatia]

Thanks to the 3 goals made by Helene St. Judith (2) and Arthur Beauclerk (1), Lymantatia wins again!

[Seunem]

“It’s no good, lads, it’s no good. You can’t have a thoroughly professional performance like that an’ then go an’ sour it in the final few minutes. Nah, I’m sorry, but this is my gig now and I’m callin’ it. Time o’ death, half past six.”

“But, Mr Taubmann!”

“Nope. Sorry, lads. You’ll just have to skip it and go straight to the thirteenth verse unless I can convince the gaffer to rewrite it.”

“Can you… can you do that? Rewrite a national anthem? Mid-tournament?”

“Don’t see why not. S’not as though anyone’s watching…”

“I thought Austin’s breakdown had quite a lot going for it…”

“No. We’re not having that, either. And cradlin’ Win’s lemon, beredend with a sigh, to stem th’ weep that springs from Seunemi sands, uh-uh-uh-uh-uh, yeah, get on the floor, I wanna see how you lose control? It… It doesn’t work, lads. It don’t summon up the sinews.”

“You’re not Seunemi, to be fair, boss. I felt a right rush of patriotic pride, I did.”

“Oh, you’re a caution, luv. Enough! I’m not having this team look like a bleedin’ laughing stock.”

“Y’know, I’ve never really got that…”

“Yeah, Tony?”

“Well… If I were sharking the clubs, roigh’, looking for a potential mate… I’d want t’see whether she could keep her head in a crisis, y’know? Find the fire exit during a crush, comfort lost children, that sort of thing. Anyone can ‘lose control’, it’s not exactly a skill.”

“Ahh… The last of the great lovers, our Tony.”

***

“…so, y’know, I just left.”

“Just like that?”

“Yup. I said to them: ‘You can’t stop me representing the land of my fathers! This is my birthright!’ Well, their birthright, technically, but… Anyway, I said to ‘em: ‘You! You can’t stop me! No! It’s the off-season, and, and, I’ve done my chores, and, and. Yes. You can’t stop me!’, I said to them. Bold as brass.”

“Good for you…”

“Yeah! ‘Cause I said: ‘You aren’t going to stop me, no! Stop me from, from, yes, from representing the land of my fathers’, I said!”

“Mm, you said.”

“And then you got Jeeves to drive you to the airport, and whoosh, away you went!”

Tutain frowned. “Jeeves…?”

“Your butler. Remember? The one who answers the front door in your vast palatial mansion?”

“Oh, yes. Him. Only I got confused, ‘cause, ‘cause we have two butlers, yes. Two. Three. Three butlers. One for the front door, and one for the tradesman’s entrance, and one who comes in on Saturday and Sunday ‘cause the senior butler gets the weekend off. Actually, actually, we’ve got four, because there has to be one who stands in the middle of the house, to, to… To make sure the dogs, great big vicious dogs, don’t go after any visitors.”

“Great big vicious dogs, eh?”

“Oh, gosh, yes. They’d bite your arm off as soon as look at you.”

“Ye-eah… Certainly sounds like Thessia.”

“Oh, no, not like that. Yappy, uncouth things. I expect Juri has one of them, tied to a bit of string. I expect they eat them, if they have to, during the winter. No, ours are… What d’you call those big yellow jobs?”

“Sunflowers?”

“Sumo wrestlers?”

“Yeah, them! Tonnes of ‘em. That’s not the main reason we’ve got butler number four, of course, it’s because you can’t hear the bell ring if you’re in the middle of the house, it’s so big, so we have to… have… nowait, um…”

Sam Patris and Bavent, Amy Goscard-Magdalen, Tutain Germain and Bohan, Lowis Samder and Tumblers, Eirik Passante-Smallbone, Roberto Miguel Pavón Millpond, Sten Smackfish and Stuffcoat, Tony Finnegan. In a bar, somewhere. And why not? I don’t have a microphone, and I ain’t going t’better them little collectable card thingies.

“Tutain,” Eirik sighed, “On a scale of seven to paralytic, just how drunk are you right now?”

The winger ignored him. “I… I should think they’re missing me, though. A little. Wondering where I am, maybe…”

“They know where you are, Toot. You’re here. Representing the land of your fathers.”

“Yeah, yeah. No. Absolutely.”

“You didn’t tell them you were going, did you?”

“Yeah, yeah. No. Not in so many wordsh. They probably wouldn’t’ve let me, but… But I’m a man, damnit! I’m nineteen! If I was from, y’know, Zenit Toranj or somewhere I’d probably have grandkids by now! I’m a professional footballer… almost… will be… And, and. Yeah. It should be up to me if I want to play for my own bloody country.”

Sten took a hearty, sympathetic swig from his own glass. “Could you not just’ve arsed them? Nishely, like?”

“Nah. Wouldn’t’ve said yes. And da… uhm… pater, he’s, uh… He’s not the most appra… approppopo… app-roach-ubble of men. He’s a Bohan to his boots, that man! Ha!”

“Ha,” several other players agreed, solemnly.

“We-ell… That’s what he always says, anyways. I wouldn’t know. Never met another one.” The teenager leant forward, banged his head against the bar, and sprang back into a seat position. “Y’see, it were him who said all that stuff, Stenners, y’know… About the Stuffcoats and that. Didn’t mean it pers’ly. Nn.”

“S’all right, dude. S’all right. Don’t know why m’folks didn’t Pasargise it t’summat… Hungarian, anyway. An’ he might be right an’ all, for all I know, your pater. Never met another Stuffcoat, apart from m’folks and m’sister. Never met another Smackfish, come to that. Never met another Seunemi…” He wobbled slightly. “Religious pershy… persh… intoleransh… thing. Y’see. That’s why my folks left. Always been a streak o’ Zoroastrianananannism in the Stuffcoats, so m’dad says. ‘Water and Fire Shall… Something Something!’ Forget what. Ooh, peanuts.”

“Mine too, though,” said Eirik. “Parents. Fleeing. Religious intolly… unt… pershicushun.”

The somewhat more sober members of the group regarded the trinket-laden Eirik coolly, each coming to the private conviction that the Seunemi Department of State for Religious Persecution, Intolerance & Skills probably had a point.

“Well, mine didn’t flee anything, I don’t think.”

“Tone, you don’t even know why you’re here.”

“All I knows is… All I knows, is…” He opened and shut his eyes experimentally a few times. “Is… I’m damned glad not to be at that stadium any more.”

“You played pretty well, I thought. Few good crosses…”

“Aye. But those giant SaxerVilla legs, mate. Honest t’God, they will haunt me. If I wake up screaming, it’ll be on their disembodied heads, let me tell you.”

“I’ll text Andrion, shall I?” Sam grinned. “Don’t want him standing by with an exorcism kit.”

“Nah, mate, I’m sharing with Stenners here now. Andy’s bunked in with Saoirse.”

“Really?” asked Eirik. “We’ve already got another highly unprofresshional inter-squad relassshunsship goin’ on?”

“Anoth–” Sam began asking innocently, before Amy kicked him rather hard in the shin.

“Nah, he jus’ couldn’t cope, poor wee lad. Shared his bedhovel with half a dozen sisters all his loife, y’see? He can’t sleep without the warm breath of a young lass or two t’other soide of the room.” Tony paused. “Actually, now y’come to mention it, that’s…”

“Are we going t’get into trouble for this?” ventured Amy, who had been looking down thoughtfully at her drink for some time, suddenly.

“You might end up losing your place in the starting eleven,” Lowis Samder and Tumblers, her rival at left-back, rumbled. It was the most he had ever said to her. Come to that, Sam realised, it was the most he had ever heard him say.

“Oh, hardy-ha.”

“Well I think we deserve this,” said Eirik. “A little getter t’gether. A few drinksh among friendsh. Another good women…good win. Victory! Nice little clean sheet from yoursh truly. Two verr’ well-taken goals from il kapitan.”

“One of them was a penalty, t’be fair. And they were all stoned out of their trees anyway.”

“Oh, shush,” said Amy, waving a hand. “Take a compliment. And Eirik? Spot on, that man. This is all rather civilized, innit? Nice little pub, nice little suburb…”

“Can anyone actually remember how we got here, again?”

“Never mind that. What I’m saying is… Well. We could be, like, tossing off dwarfs, couldn’t we? Or dwarves, come to that. That’s what professionals do, isn’t it, Sammy?”

“Don’t… don’t think I can remember anything quite like that in m’younger days, Ames.”

“Whatevs. I can see from here, right, right here to the end of the room! All the way! And I don’t see a single dwarf.” She paused. “Alright, apart from that one. But he’s sitting quietly enjoying his drink. D’you know,” she added, thoughtfully, “I’ve never had a dwarf.”

“Right,” Sam said hurriedly, feeling the metaphorical band around his arm tighten slightly, “No-one’s bringing anyone home, got it? Not even if they’ll fit in your handbag.”

“‘zactly. We could be bungee jumping, or helping ourselves to a bevy – a verritubbly bevy of Qaxoy beauties – or snorting all sorts of interesting stuff…”

“Yeah, I don’t think that would be such a great idea, all things considered,” Amy muttered. Sam took the opportunity to give her a kick. “What?” she turned on him. “I wasn’t hinting there at any of our secret conflabs! Jus’ making a point. It’d be unprofessional. I can be professional, y’know. I was on McDonald SC’s books for a bit when I were, like, thirteen. Thought I might make it at a higher level, they reckoned. Trained every day, didn’t go out or nuffin’, kept my weight diary…”

Sam looked the whippet-strung full-back up and down with eyebrows raised. She shrugged.

“Yeah, well? At least one out of three worked…”

“When I was thirteen,” Lowis said quietly from the gloom of his corner, “I lay awake each night holding the pistol I’d taken from a dead man in my shaking grasp, praying to any god that would listen that no man or beast would stumble into our cave or hide or burnt-out hut and lay a finger or claw on my sleeping five year-old brother. We walked together across the grey expanse of Rushmore, flattening ourselves to the ground every time we heard the goose-call echoing across the plains… Drinking when we could… what we could… Living off our feet…”

“Yeah, way t’bring the mood down, dude.”

Lowis shrugged. “Jus’ sayin’.”

“‘Living off your feet’? You, like, played football to survive?”

The left-back turned and frowned at his captain. “Nah, don’t be daft.”

“Oh, right…”

“We harvested the edible fungi that grew under our toenails for meagre sustenance.”

“Oh, right…”

“It was that or Wimpy Burger.”

“Oh, hell-o!” Sam, grateful for the distraction, exclaimed suddenly, causing several of his team-mates to spill their pints. “The wanderer returns!” Thome Devero gave them his awkward little smile and wandered over to the bar. “Pull up a pew. Look, peanuts! We only need to take half a dozen more, and there’s a picture of a clothèd woman underneath!”

“Should you be out drinking?” the Kytlerian hissed.

“Me? Sober as a judge, mate,” Sam sighed. “Although between you and me,” he continued, learning conspiratorially towards the newcomer, “This orange juice couldn’t be any less dilute if it tried. Whoosh, went right to me head!”

“So Thome, come on, spill the beans,” said an insistent Tony.

The midfielder’s face fell. “W… What about?”

“Oh, where shall we start?” Amy muttered darkly.

“You can shtart with what the gaffer shaid! I bet he gave you a right bollocking!”

Thome appeared to consider this. “Not… Not in so many words, no. Not what you’d call an actual bollocking.”

“Did he misquote the New Testament at you?” Sam asked, sympathetically.

“There was a bit of that, yeah.”

“Happens to the best of us, mate.”

“And then he misquoted Nietzsche at me.”

“He stole your thing and used it against you! Oh, that’s low, even for Mister Thomas.” Tony should his head, disappointed. “Which one?”

“Um… ‘Go up close to your friend, but do not go over him! We should also respect the enemy in our friend.’”

“Yeah… Vaguely apposite, you’ve got t’give him tha’. You couldn’t’ve gone more over him, really. Not withou’ taking his head clean off.”

“It was one bad tackle…”

“Yeah… And then you got up and pushed him in the ribs. Now that was unnecessary.”

“It still wasn’t a straight red, though…”

“No-o, no, that’s true enough. Turning around and only avoiding smacking that lad Wolverton, nottheonewhoplayedforRadyukevichyouknow, square in the jaw because he ducked… That was probably worthy of the straight red.”

“Still didn’t hit him, though,” Thome said proudly. “I’m getting better. Thomas said I’d brought disgrace to the shirt, anyway. Can’t see why that matters. It’s not as though anyone’s watching, is it?”

“Yurr,” offered Sten, waddling unsteadily back from the toilet and offering Thome and, just to be on the safe side, everyone else vague waves of recognition. “That’s. Ugh. That’s what… yer man… That guy. Tubby. Goaltendering coach. That’s which he said.”

“D’you suppose it’s true?” Sam wondered. “I mean, I know there’s no-one here, but… There’s got t’be Seunemis watching on telly, right?”

“If they have tellies…”

“God, that’s a depressing thought…”

“Yur. Ne’er mind though, guys! Gu-u-u-u-u-ysss! Ma’ight not have mush of a country. Rubbish, rrrubbish country. But. Ssss. S’like a club here, innit? All of us, eh? Like a proper club atmosh… at. At. Eh?”

“There’s a club, if you'd like to go,” Thome intoned quietly. “You could meet someone who really loves you. So you go, and you stand on your own. And you leave on your own. And you go home. And you cry. And you want to die.”

“God, you get drunk pretty damn quickly, don’t you?”

“Nietzsche?”

“Bjorn & the Gladiolis.”

“Yeah,” nodded Eirik, “I ‘ate them.”

Tutain, apparently going through a brief phase of articulation, glanced up from his puddle for the first time in several minutes. “Polarian institution though, ain’t they? Always wanted to be in a guitar band, me. Pater wouldn’t let me.”

“S’all that ‘Flesh is a Felony’ crap. Jusht you try livin’ on an island subsisting on clubbing baby sealsh.”

“How did you find us, anyway, Thome?”

“There weren’t too many bars in North Devonshire with ‘IN COVE’S BELLY DEAR, HIS SAVIOUR SEEN, BRIMFIT, FAT, THOUGH FAR FROM GRAAAAND, FOR TW’HUNDRED DAYS IN THE HAAWWRY BREEEN!!’ emanating from them…”

“We weren’t singing that loudly, were we?”

“Naah, he’s just in tooon with us, inny? ‘Cause, ‘cause, it’s like a club here, is’net? It’s like we’ve all. Allll. All known chuther f’r yeaaaaars!”

“¡SÍ! Yes! Goooooooooo Seunemeri Pizza Cats!”

The men and Amy glanced towards their companion, who took the opportunity to fall off his stool into a heap on the floor.

“Oh. Roberto. I’d forgotten he was with us.”

Me too, admitted the narrator, sadly.

“Just you pipe down,” Amy scolded me severely, shamelessly breaking the fourth wall and reaching proudly for another bottle as she did so.

“¿Roberto? Say it with me, it’s the Cart Horses. Ca-a-a-rt. Hor-ses.”

“Sí. Goooooo Cat Hearses, je je je je je je! ¡Me encantan los caballos carrito!”

“Best of all the animals,” Amy agreed, sleepily.

“¡Te quiero! Tú eresssh mi mejjjjjor amigo!”

“Okay,” Sam sighed. “That’s probably a cue we should be moseying on back to the hotel.”

“Oh, c’maan! The night ish shtill young!”

“I’m not even at the giggly phase yet, Sam.”

“The gaffer’ll want to go over the game plan for Carmadin in the morning, won’t he? Especially now Thome won’t be playing…”

“One up, one off, one in the hole. Watch out for yer man Dowv Daz. Job done.”

“We’ll make a manager of you yet, Ames.”

Seriously though, people, can we hurry this up? I’ve written two and a half thousand words, already.

“More fool you,” Amy sighed. “Come on then, boys. Once more from where we’d got to?”

“HAAAWRY BREEEN…! AND THREE DOZEN CHILDS OF SEUNAAAAMY SAAAANDS!! BUT THE ROTHEN RUSH WOULD PROVE TOO MUUUUCH, FOR IN THE DEEP T’WAS O’ERMANNED! AND COVE A-HEREN NO WORD FOR A WEEK AND SUUCH! ‘TILL WIN WASHED A-STRAND ON SPANIER SAAAANDS!”

“Are we, um… Just to put it out there…”

“Yeah?”

“Are we entirely sure our ‘national anthem’ isn’t just a drinking song…?”

“Soundsh like my kinda country!” Sten shouted, banging his glass down on the table. “I knew I was a Seunemi at heart!”

***

“Juan? Juan!? Seriously, mate, answer your fu… Hey. Hey, Amy.”

The young woman paused outside the lavs and tried to fix Thome with a steely glare. “Wotcher. Yer missing the dirty twelfth. Who’s Juan?”

“Uh… Uh, no-one. ‘One’. I was ordering a pizza. For our hotel.”

“Arright. Good thinking, that man. Order ten.”

“Gotcha… Ten? Ten!? For the love of God, where are you three? Answer your damned phones!”

[Iphmopf]

Iphmopf 6-0 The Peterwood Estate

Iphmopf cruised to another victory as qualification to the knockout stage was all but confirmed.

The night got off to a cracker after Vernon Masters crossed the ball expertly into the path of Stuart Holland, who graciously powered the ball home with a bullet header after just 90 seconds on the clock. Iphmopf were dominant, and scored a second on the half hour mark; a peach of a free kick from Adam Severs from just inside 30 yards.

And the winger Tom Simms put Iphmopf further ahead before half time, after a quick thinking through ball from Will Kingston meant Simms could loft the ball over the helpless Peterwood estate goalkeeper.

As the second half kicked off, Iphmopf threw on the 17 year old Roger Sendon, who danced past three defenders before being tripped in the area by the opposition centre back. David Johnston converted the spot kick, as Iphmopf moved into cruise control for the last 20 minutes.

But the goals kept on coming, and Simms got his second on 80 minutes after drilling the ball in low from the edge of the area, catching the goalkeeper out. And the rout was completed in injury time, an Adam Severs free kick drifting onto the head of centre back Lucas Forelan.

[Thatius]

Thatians Sports Programming Network (TSPN)
8 October, 2011
7:45 Thatius Time

The long awaited game: Thatius vs. Carmadin. Both nations are powerful in terms of sports, and a loss for either nation would be a setback. But the end result was a tie, 1-1. A tie does not seem that exciting, but it was good enough to launch Thatius into third place in the group. They now hold out to a win in their next match-up, and hopefully that'll place them into second place and a chance to enter the knockout round. An early goal by Alex O'Brien gave the Firebirds an early head start in the game, but Carmadin put up a huge fight to level it out at one all. Now Thatius must play Zhevalsso-zhevalsso, and a win would surely help. Let's take a look at the box score:


Game Summary
00:01 - Thatius kicks off
04:30 - Thatius advances, shoots for a goal but misses over the top. Goal kick Carmadin
06:40 - Offsides, Carmadin
09:42 - Bad slide tackle by Julian Irakli. Given a yellow card
24:30 - Thatius scores! Alex O'Brien heads the ball into the goal. Assist by Will Szrolzek.
43:11 - Carmadin misses the goal by about half a foot
45:00 - One minute of extra time
46:00 - Half Time
Thatius 1 - Carmadin 0
45:01 - Carmadin kicks off
59:58 - O'Brien kicks the ball, bounces off Carmadin goal post
68:34 - Carmadin scores!
70:21 - Handball - Lorenzo Bocaccio.
90:00 - 2 minutes of extra time
92:00 - Match is over. A tie between Carmadin and Thatius.

[Krumbia]

Krumbia 1–3 Lymantatia

Extract from the match. Minutes 47 to 50.

A throw in. Krumbia's. Watts was taking it. Three options. Donovan, Patterson and Shelton. Right, left and forward. Patterson. He threw it, Patterson received it, dodging Berkowitz. Shelton, Donovan and Watts were all running up with him to support him. Patterson was sprinting now, but St. John was now coming towards him looking for a tackle. He made it. The crowd calmed down, they thought the opportunity was lost. Think again.

St. John was about to kick it upfield to their mids when Shelton came right up, slid in front of him knocking the ball clean out of his way. Shelton was on his feet in a second. Beauclerk was after it, Shelton was faster. He touched the ball, knocking it passed Beauclerk, another St. John came towards him. He chipped it up over his head, running passed him and receiving it when it landed. He ran into the box, only one defender left between him and the keeper.

St. Arthur. He came towards him, but Shelton ran straight passed him. He kicked it. The ball made contact with his foot, flying up into the air. It looked like it was going too high. It levelled out, the keeper leapt up, his hands ready to receive it. It dived. And dived, and dived and dived. It ended up hitting the bottom left corner inline with the keepers knees. There was a second long pause, as if the world had suddenly gone silent. Then, the crowd roared. Perhaps the loadest roar of this competition. It went on for the next 5 minutes. That put the score as 1-1.

[Qazox]

Ready People?
Be'cause some of you might be seeing some of the playoffs.

[Qazox]

Teams that cannot advance to knockout rounds are marked in RED. Teams that have clinched a knockout round berth are marked in Blue. Scenarios listed are the most likely scenarios for a team to earn a knockout round berth. There maybe other ways a team can advance, but aren't listed below for clarity's sake. All group winners will earn 1st round bye.

Club Group
Thatius 5–3 Zhevalsso-zhevalsso
Seunem 1–1 Carmadin
Brendino the 3rd 2–1 Zoobians

Club Group              Pld   W  D  L   GF  GA  GD  Pts 
1 Seunem                  4   2  2  0    7   3  +4    8
2 Thatius                 5   2  2  1    9   9   0    8
3 Carmadin                4   1  3  0    3   2  +1    6
4 Brendino the 3rd        4   2  0  2    6   6   0    6
5 Zhevalsso-zhevalsso     4   1  1  2    6   8  −2    4
6 Zoobians                5   1  0  4    5   8  −3    3

Seunem and Thatius have clinched as neither team can be passed by both Carmadin and Brendino the 3rd due to the latter duo's match on MD7.

Knockout round scenarios:
Seunem-- Clinched knockout round berth. Clinches group title (and 1st round bye) with win or a draw v. Zhelvalsso-zhelvalsso or a Carmadin/Bredino the 3rd draw and a loss to Zhelvalsso-zhelvalsso by 3 goals or less.
Thatius-- Clinched knockout round berth. Clinches group title (and 1st round bye) with a Seunum loss by 5 or more goals and if the Carmadin/Brendino the 3rd match ends in a draw.
Carmadin-- Clinches knockout round berth with win v. Brendino the 3rd or a draw and a Zhevalsso'zhevalsso loss or draw v. Seunem. Clinches group title (and 1st round bye) with a win and a Seunem loss.
Brendino the 3rd-- Clinches knockout round berth with win v. Carmadin. Clinches group title (and 1st round bye) with a win and a Seunem loss.
Zhevalsso-zhevalsso-- Clinches knockout round berth with win v. Seunem AND a Carmadin-Brendino the 3rd draw based on H2H record amongst the three teams (Zz would be 1-1-0 vs. Carmadin and brendino the 3rd; Carmadin would be 0-2-0; Bredino the 3rd 0-1-1).

Diamond Group
The Kytler Peninsulae 1–0 Yiland
Côte de Platine 0–1 Skalholt
Triimoria 0–2 Howdeellow
Bye: Dixie Provinces

Diamond Group           Pld   W  D  L   GF  GA  GD  Pts 
1 The Kytler Peninsulae   5   4  0  1   13   2 +11   12
2 Howdeellow              6   2  3  1    6   3  +3    9
3 Skalholt                5   2  1  2    2   5  −3    7
4 Côte de Platine         5   2  1  2    3   3   0    7
5 Triimoria               5   1  2  2    5   7  −2    5
6 Yiland                  5   1  2  2    2   4  −2    5
7 Dixie Provinces         5   0  3  2    4   7  −3    3

Knockout round scenarios:
Kytler Peninsulae-- Clinched group title and first round bye.
Howdeellow-- Clinches knockout round berth with a loss or draw by either Skalhot or Côte de Platine. Eliminated with wins by both Skalholt and Côte de Platine.
Skalholt-- Clinches knockout round berth with a win v. Triimoria or a draw and a Côte de Platine draw with Yiland. (Skalholt wins tiebreaker v. Côte de Platine based on H2H win).
Côte de Platine-- Clinches knockout round berth with a win v. Yiland.
Triimoria-- Clinches knockout round berth with a win v. Skalholt AND a Côte de Platine loss to Yiland by exactly 1 goal (Triimoria wins a tiebreaker v. Yiland based on H2H win.)
Yiland-- Clinches knockout round berth with a win by 2+ goals v. Côte de Platine AND a 1-goal win by Triimoria over Skalholt.

Heart Group
Ipeland 1–1 Krumbia
Chuckio 0–0 Puttania
Garon-Averia 2–3 Ponoka
Bye: Lymantatia

Heart Group             Pld   W  D  L   GF  GA  GD  Pts 
1 Ipeland                 5   2  2  1    9   3  +6    8
2 Lymantatia              5   2  2  1    8   6  +2    8
3 Ponoka                  6   2  2  2    9  14  −5    8
4 Krumbia                 5   2  1  2    6   7  −1    7
5 Chuckio                 5   1  3  1    2   2   0    6
6 Garon-Averia            5   1  2  2    5   5   0    5
7 Puttania                5   1  2  2    2   4  −2    5

Knockout round scenarios:
Easiest scenarios:
Ipeland and Lymantatia face each other. Winner (if one) advances to knockout round (and wins group and 1st round bye); if a draw, both teams advance to playoffs, and if Krumbia-Chuckio ends in a draw, Ipeland wins group on overall GD.
Krumbia and Chuckio face each other. Winner (if one) advances to knockout round. If Ipeland-Lymantatia ends in a draw, the winner (if one) of this game would also win group and 1st round bye. (Chuckio would have a 1-1-0 H2H advantage v. Ipeland and Lymantatia)
Garon-Averia and Puttania face each other. Winner (if one) advances to knockout round if and only if the Krumbia-Chuckio match ends in a 0-0 draw; if Krumbia-Chuckio match is any other tied result, then possible winner would need to win by more than 2 goals to advance.
Ponoka is eliminated, as they would lose out on tie-breakers with Ipeland or Lymantatia and Krumbia in case of a 3-way tie or a 3-way tie with Garon-Averia or Puttania and Krumbia or a 4-way tie with Ipeland/Lymantatia and Krumbia and Garon-Averia/Puttania.

Spade Group
Blutrieger 0–1 Euskirribakondara
Deep Freid Bacon 0–3 Megadia
Kazerjan 1–0 Beldonia

Spade Group             Pld   W  D  L   GF  GA  GD  Pts 
1 Euskirribakondara       4   3  1  0    5   1  +4   10
2 Megadia                 4   2  2  0   15   5 +10    8
3 Deep Freid Bacon        4   2  0  2    3   6  −3    6
4 Blutrieger              5   1  2  2    4   9  −5    5
5 Kazerjan                4   1  1  2    1   3  −2    4
6 Beldonia                5   0  2  3    3   7  −4    2

Knockout round scenarios:
Euskirribakondara-- Clinched knockout round berth. Clinches group title (and 1st round bye) with a win v. Deep Freid Bacon or a draw and Megadia loss or draw.
Megadia-- Clinched knockout round berth. Clinches group title (and 1st round bye) with a win v. Kazerjan and a loss or draw by Euskirribakondara.
Deep Freid Bacon-- Clinches knockout round berth with win v. Euskirribakondara or Kazerjan loss or draw (DFBwould win tiebreaker v. Kazerjan based on H2H win)
Kazerjan-- Clinches knockout round berth with win v. Megadia and Deep Freid Bacon loss.

[Brendino the 3rd]

Thrilling Win Keeps Brendino the 3rd in Contention

Club Group Pld W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 Seunem 4 2 2 0 7 3 +4 8
2 Thatius 5 2 2 1 9 9 0 8
3 Carmadin 4 1 3 0 3 2 +1 6
4 Brendino the 3rd 4 2 0 2 6 6 0 6
5 Zhevalsso-zhevalsso 4 1 1 2 6 8 −2 4
6 Zoobians 5 1 0 4 5 8 −3 3

After an exciting, down to the wire victory, Brendino the 3rd needs a victory against Carmadin to advance out of the group stages to the knockout rounds. After forward Joseph Pratt received an early yellow card, the Zoobians managed to capitalize and net the first goal of the game in the 23rd minute. "After that penalty, I felt like I needed to redeem myself and lead the team to victory." Said Pratt. And thats exactly what he did. After coming into the second half with a 1-0 deficit, Pratt answered with two devastating strikes in the 62nd and 71st minute to give the Ferrets the lead. He was later taken out for sub George Stewart to a standing ovation from the Brendino the 3rd fans.
In another exciting side story, starting keeper Jayden McKenzie returned from his shoulder injury to record his 3rd international victory. After taking the late 2-1 lead, McKenzie preserved the win with his 6 saves. In the post match interview, these were the comments:
Joseph Pratt-

I'm glad I could redeem myself and those two goals were definately the biggest of my career

Jayden McKenzie-

I'm happy to be back and glad I could make a difference in this game. We need a win and I want to get it for the fans.

Coach Corrin Keiger-

We need to beat Carmadin. Thats all it comes down to. I understand the happiness but we need to get to work.

[Carmadin]

Kihxaw Jahp threw the paper across the room.

"that made absolutley no sense at all. What a load of gobbeldygook."

"look, Kihxaw, it's very simple", Dowv Daz tried to explain

"simple?? Simple?? That's complicated mathematics, and you know i can't do algebra! How are we supposed to make sense out of that gibberish? Their trying to muddle our brains and throw us off mentally for our match against Bredino the 3rd tommorow!"

"Kihxaw, no their not. It's very simple. If we want to get to the knockout rounds, we have to beat Bredino the Third"

"we were gonna do that anyway."

"I know. Now, if we don't beat them, if we tie, we need Seunem to win or draw, and were in."

"you lost me. Seunem's a country, not an artist. Why are they drawing?"

"KIHXAW!"

"okay, jeez. Sorry. Just trying to add a little humor. Anyways, you were saying?"

"Yes, if we tie Bredino the Third, Suenem has to tie or beat Zhevalsso."

"Okay....."

"and, say we want to win the group"

"of course we do. Don't be stupid. What kind of a player are you, suggesting we dont wanna win?? Come on, show a little team spirit for once. You've scored two goals in this tournament, you wanna get past the group stage, right?"

"KIHXAW!!!!"

"my god. Can you be any louder?"

"anyway, for us to win the group, we have to win."

"easy"

"yes. And Seunem has to lose to Zhevalsso"

"easy"

"huh? What are you gonna do, will Margaret to have Zhevalsso win?"

"actually, that was excatly what i planed to do. Except it involved more telepathic communication"

"with Margaret"

"yup"

"christ, Kihxaw, you're like a one-man comedy routine"

"naw, you help. You set me up for every single joke i've made"

"ummmm.........thank you"

"you're welcome"

"so, you wanna get some guys together? Play some hall football, then crash? Huge match tommorow. Match of our lives."

"nah. I need to get to the chapel."

"the chapel? Tommorows sunday, not today."

"i know"

"so why in the name of Margaret are you going to the chapel?"

"you just said it"

"what? Damn it, Kihxaw, i hate these word games. What did i say?"

"the reason i'm going to the chapel. I've gotta say a prayer to Margaret, you know, bless our team, may a curse be on the teams who seek to stop us from winning, the group stage is sacred, let us enter it, o Margaret, things like that."

"my god, Kihxaw, you're crazy"

"I know. Do you have any rubber chickens?"

"rubber chickens? What the hell?"

"for a sacrifice."

"ooh, yeah. I've got some. Perhaps we'll hav a team prayer to Margaret"

"sounds good. Then we can have your hall football game."

40 minutes, 15 prayers, and 38 rubber chickens later, the team trooped back into the hotel, and made up teams for hall football. A few hotel guests stayed back, muttering to each other.

"watch this. They all go berzerk in the elevator"

"i freakin love watching their daily match. Only time you ever get to see grown men dashing around a hotel lobby like madmen"

As the match ended, and the team went off to bed, Kihxaw Jahp suddenly thought of something. He hung back, waiting for Dowv Daz, and asked him what had been on his mind:

"can you explain the playoff scenarios to me again?? It makes no sense"

Dowv kicked him, and went up to bed.

[Megadia]

Megadia are through to the Baptism of Fire 44 knockout stages after a 3-0 win against Deep Freid Bacon and will clinch the group title if they win against Kazerjan and Euskirribakondara either lose or draw. Stefan Meier got two goals and with the second goal, he ran into the crowd and got a flag saying "You fried enough?", receiving a yellow card for doing so but that didn't stop Megadia continue their demolition, creating plenty of opportunities before Austin Freshwater-Blake yet again became the person to take advantage of them with another excellent poacher's goal.


Austin Freshwater-Blake -

I've just got to thank the fans, they've always been behind me so I've kept on scoring and look at me now, proving myself on the world stage. But what's important is that Megadia are doing well, country first and I think everybody in the team can be pleased with their performance in the tournament so far.

[Ipeland]

Ipes draw against Krumbia 1-1
Draw leaves Ipes on the brink of knockout round

Highlights
0:01 Ipeland kick off
5:43 Holden shot shaves post
12:30 Krumbia goal. Shelton with a powerful drive into the top corner
16:21 Shelton shot saved by Stainag
24:50 Texan shot rebounds off the post and is cleared
33:12 Goalmouth scramble at Krumbia's end results in ball going out for a corner
40:00 Donovan shot shaves post
43:50 Ipeland shot saved
45:00 1 minute extra time
46:21 Half time

Half time score
Ipeland 0-1 Krumbia
Shelton '12

45:01 Krumbia kick off second half
48:24 Texan shot comfartably saved
52:31 Ipeland goal. Texan runs through 4 defenders and slots it neatly past Flynn
57:32 Krumbia shot goes over the bar
64:21 Ipeland shot goes into side netting
73:27 Harding shot cleared off the line
86:02 Texan shot goes over the bar
90:00 1 minute extra time
91:00 Full time

Full time score
Ipeland 1-1 Krumbia
Shelton '12
Texan '52

[Krumbia]

snip

(OOC: Nice role-play. I think it means that I am not through to the knockouts. I'm not sure.)

[Lymantatia]

Because of injuries suffered from the game yesterday, Lymantatia will not play a game today, while they look for new players.

[Cygning]

"...now, let's settle do- let's have some quiet in here, people," said a timid Mr. Carlatto. "We do have to discus- it's important that we raise the issue of Mr. Silviattei's claim that only he has the right to sell his boats withi-" -- "that's boats and kayaks" -- "within a one thousand meter radius of his store. Now do we have any openi- let's hear some discuss-"

The door to the assembly building creaked open. The shape of a youngster filled the doorway. Clean-shaven, hair neatly combed, he certainly wasn't a native. There were almost never any non-natives that came to Cygning, and sometimes uninvited strangers were met with hostility. "Who is ah-dis?!" cried Mrs. Abbati. "He is ah-not one of us, no!"

The youngster started to speak, but the words were too soft for anyone to hear, so he cleared his throat and put in action the projection skills he had learned as a communications major at Touffer University. "Hello, everyone. I'm a reporter from Civil Citizenry. I've been assigned to write abo-"

"See here! Someone understands my cause!" yelled Mr. Silviattei with pride. "I'm telling you, only I can sell my damn boats within a one-"

"Why, no, I'm not here about your boats, mister. I'm writing about the football team."

"BULL-AH-SHIT!" cried Mrs. Abbati, her voice creating a shaky vibrato as she shook with anger. "You are ah-one of dem Citeeeez spies! You are ah-from ah-da what do they call it, dat ah-Cygmouth place, come to ah-check on us! NO SIR!"

"Calm down, Mrs. Abbati. He's too young to do something stupid like that," mused Mr. Robbiani. Turning to his wife, he whispered, "He's got a nice tie on too. He's got my respect."

Afraid things might not be working out as he'd hoped, the youngster started to struggle. "Uh, no - I'm, uh, Max Roswell, I studied com- communications at, uh, uh, Touffer, and now I write for, uh, freelance - that's, uh, independent, freelance-"

"I don't think this is the right place for you, Mr. Roslyn," squeaked Mr. Carlatto. "We're not really so supportive of that football team-" -- "No no!" objected Mr. Robbiani. "We've been waiting for some news on our boys for days! Could use a little entertainment in our lives here in Bortino. How are they doing?" "Yes, let us hear if they win it all, no?" "Did Politali score yet?"

"Well - uh, they won the first game. Then they tied the second one-" -- "Jesus hell, what kind of game lets you tie?" inquired a stewing Mr. Silviattei -- "and then they were first in their group." A round of cheers was let loose. "Well, let's see, now - then they tied again - then they lost one by three-" -- "Well, did they lose by one or three?" snarled Mr. Silviattei as the rest of the assembled men and women groaned at hearing of the team's first loss.

"And after that they tied for a third time. So they've got one game left, and they have to win if they want a shot at making the playoffs."

"Playoffs! I ah-thought as soon as ah-da dey win, ah-then dey win!"

"No, there's actually some complicated scenarios that could let them advance, but then they have to win, like, five matches or something."

"All this is too much for me," added Mr. Robbiani. "I'm going to get some Pinti, who's coming?" There were murmurs of agreement, and the people began to file out. "But what about my cause!" stomped a raging Mr. Silviattei.

[The Kytler Peninsulae]

Code: Select all

       
       KYTLERIAN TEAM VS DIXIE PROVINCES

                  Falamoe

Cliriputed    Nix       Callow       Wickens

                  Sanani

             Aubin       Crawley
                 
                  Naugle
 
           Upson        McIntyre

With not only qualification but the group victory sewn up, and their opponents mathematically guaranteed to go home to Dixieland after this, Thomas Morgan has the luxury of picking a reserve team, fielding all but one of the players who haven't played a minute in this competition thus far. That means Caine Falamoe, still only 19, becomes the first aboriginal to don a Kytlerian soccer jersey. If he bears that responsibility half as well as the aboriginal-Vephra teenager Ock Fils did in the lacrosse team, he'll go far. The selection does, however, draw attention to him.

Daniel Ortega is rested - can't have him injured in a meaningless fixture - so Shuke Cliriputed finally gets to play at right-back for his country. You'd have got long odds on him scoring in this competition, especially with a header, but that's just what he did against Triimoria. It's good to see Dean Wickens get a start on the other flank. What I'm worried about is the lack of width in the 4-1-2-1-2, although Crawley still starts on the left of the diamond so will doubtless drift out to the wing, and Norbert Naugle - while notionally at the tip - will probably drift wide himself. That'll turn the formation into 4-1-3-2 as Aubin tucks into the centre to fill the gap left by Naugle. In fact, I suspect that's actually how they will play, at least for part of the match, it's just that they're saying Naugle's going to play "just behind the front two". I don't buy that, for the simple reason that when you have two central strikers and one of them's as obvious an aerial target as Cameron Upson, you need width, and with the players selected, that comes from Naugle and Crawley. Unless you really believe Cliriputed will burst forward from right-back...

Still, sometimes teams need to experiment, and forgive me for going all Jeremy Jaffacake on y'all (and hey, I can say "y'all" for a game against this opposition); what better place than here? What better time than now?

From the education supplement in the left-leaning Zube Daily Times.

Talkative students, problems with maths, but the best English scores in the country. What's happened in Edencliff?

In the last year, things have changed rapidly in the Edencliff school district, which incorporates the port town and a string of outlying villages stretching north in this sparsely populated outpost of the country. The new National School Report shows that overall, Edencliff has moved up one place to sixteenth in the table of fifty-five districts sorted by a combination of NST [National Standard Test] results, attendance figures, and parental surveys weighted towards behavioural concerns. But that doesn't begin to tell the story.

Last year, Edencliff district was rated eighth for behaviour. Just one year later, it is placed thirty-third. Maths scores have fallen, science scores have risen only slowly, but English scores - in the bottom quintile only three years ago - are now number one in the country, with an astonishing 98.4% of students gaining at least the "minimum" 750 standard and over 70% reaching the "good" 1000 mark, which by definition is attained by only half of students nationally. Not even the monolingual, monocultural, wealthy districts such as Riceland North and Eastern Corridor can top that - and Edencliff has the ninth highest proportion of non-native English speakers amongst all school districts.

Wecoiscus Dings, the recently appointed district chair, admits he is puzzled too.

"It's been remarkably pronounced, off all the charts we had - in both English and behaviour, in opposite directions," he said. "We were making progress in English anyway, but we'd have settled for getting to the national average, 95% minimum, 50% good. I would love to celebrate it more, but almost everything else is going backwards."

Clearly, such remarkable shifts must have a common explanation, and the only one that anyone is accepting right now is the increased use of Verbosita. Customs officials - until last week's bust of a major shipment from Candelaria And Marquez - had turned a blind eye to the import of this drug, used legally for performance enhancement in international sport (indeed, the Kytlerian soccer team were perfectly legitimately provided with some of the Verbosita seized last week) but also used recreationally. Although all states ban the use of Verbosita without prescription, the state of Noordcove - of which Edencliff is the capital and largest town - is the only one which did not follow federal recommendations to treat it as a Cat B drug, instead continuing to treat it as Cat C, alongside RP-inin, meow mix and low-grade cannabis. They claim to be upholding another federal recommendation, that drugs with medicinal uses should not be treated as Cat A or B.

As a result, Noordcove has the highest rate of Verbosita use in the country, according to a study at the University of Zube - which causes concern amongst researchers who admit they simply do not know the drug's long-term impact.

"With RP-inin, the effects are relatively benign, although some side-effects similar to prescription drugs are common when misused," explained Hannah Morrissey, a researcher at UZ's Margaret Institute. "But with Verbosita, side-effects include constant talking, fidgeting, and a perception of invincibility. We found that when we spoke to them in a fifteen-minute conversation, regular Verbosita users were almost eleven times more likely than a control group to talk about playing in a World Cup final, and over thirteen times more likely to talk about world domination."

If that is the case, then one can easily imagine the behavioural problems. Yet the drug's name hints at its positive side-effect. "Verbosita users performed dramatically better than a control group in a vocabulary test, and were also much more likely to comprehend complex multi-syllabic words, particularly those derived from foreign languages such as Rejistanian."

Given that most Verbosita users are based in urban areas, particularly those close to major seaports or airports, and skew towards lower socio-economic categories, according to Morrisey, the English results are no surprise. "Students who were in the 800-900 range are shooting up towards 1100," noted Dings. "It really is extraordinary. The top end is largely unchanged, actually - it's all people going from three-digit scores to four-digit scores."

More research into the long-term effects of Verbosita are being undertaken. Until then, expect wild gyrations in the National School Report.