There is no hiding the disappointment of Kernansquillecans. Both the men's and women's teams crashed out a step away from the Olympic group stage. Both fell to defeat in front of a home crowd despite having victory within touching distance and, for all their quality, failed to make any mark whatsoever on the Games. Last time we were here, the women's team were epic, taking silver. So while the experts go over what went wrong, it's time to ask a much more important question - what is the point of paying an attention to the Olympic Games if we won't have any football teams involved?
Football is the best sport ever. Fact. In Kernansquillec, most of us worship our teams like Gods. When our national team plays, the country comes to a standstill as we wait and hope for victory. But the Olympics? It's a fun event for sure, and there's a lot of sporting stuff going on. But do we really want to waste our time watching some guy from a country we haven't heard of winning bronze in an event that isn't entertaining and that we don't understand? Like wrestling. What the heck is that? Two competitors cuddle each other and try to flip someone upside down like a turtle. We might be green in Kernansquillec be we aren't turtles. People don't fight like turtles - just how ridiculous would that be? "Oh no, I'm on my back, you win...". And golf. Yes, that "sport" that involves hitting a ball across grass until in goes into a hole. And repeat... Death is a more entertaining activity to partake, let alone watch.
Before, we could take it. Watching the boring events; and the ones we didn't understand; and the ones we didn't do well in at all (why even bother travelling to Aeropag to finish joint-4852th in the Women’s Double Trap?!), in some bizarre way it was worth it. Because at the end of the day watching the football made it all better. For 90 minutes we could actually understand and enjoy an Olympic sport. We could make sense of the commentary, we could recognise the names, we could play it in the back yard once the Games we over. But now, that silver lining has gone. The Olympics is now just a soulless mass of ununderstandable sports that bring no joy whatsoever to those who don't win (and even then, it's only worth it if there's a lot of gold in the medal...).
So don't waste anymore time watching the Olympics or trying to understand how gymnasts are scored on their monkey-like routines. Just forget about the Olympics, it's boring.
Ahead of the start of the Games, the Kernansquillecan Olympic Committee announced an objective of 45 medals (13 gold, 17 silver, 15 bronze) - five more than at their previous Olympic appearance - but based on the start given to us by the archers that might just be within reach. During the ranking round Ian Caudell was on fire in the men's individual at the Orange-Green Bowl. He was three points clear at the top and has set the benchmark for the field. Rasheeda Laman almost matched him in the women's individuals, finishing in second place. Both teams have finished in the top half of the qualification table and will receive byes in the 32nd-finals. But our attention will now turn towards the much anticipated opening ceremony and the vast amount of events set to get underway in the first official day of the Games, where the first medals will be awarded.