Cosumar
Cosumar is a nation familiar to most Audioslavians - the island lies just a few clicks east of the Audioslavian mainland - but on the football field the two sides have yet to match wits.
That will all change on matchday six, when the Fiefers (a nickname that Audioslavians tend to bestow upon their cross-water cousins) travel to the Arena Kirola in what should be, by that point, a top-of-the-table clash.
Not that the occasion should affect the Azure Dragons in any way, shape or form.
Cosumar have been on the scene since World Cup 51, and although the side have rarely troubled the latter stages of major international tournaments, there is little they haven't seen. The foreboding high walls of the Kirola Arena won't trouble them - their own Leviathan Arena has a similarly claustrophobic atmosphere, with the stadium towering imposingly over the pitch - and even an occasion as big as an away fixture against the famous Audioslavian Bulls won't phase the Cosumarites. The side, after all, managed to hold their own against Audioslavia's auld enemy Krytenia in their very first fixture in international football.
Both sides feature invaluable thirty-five year-old veterans by the name of Koskinen, though unlike Audioslavia it appears Cosumar won't be relying on their own one too much; not with the emergence of Exton's Jakk Winterfyll in goal anyway.
Prediction: Audioslavia should be at least good enough for four points against Cosumar, but don't expect the Dragons to be far from the gate come the end of the campaign.
Milchama
(W0-D3-L0 F2 A2)
Audioslavia 2-2 Milchama (WC28 First Round)
Audioslavia 0-0 Milchama (AOCAF 35 First Round)
Audioslavia 0-0 Milchama (WC63 First Round)
Milchama are a team Audioslavia have never beaten, although to be fair we've never lost to the old warriors either.
The 2-2 scoreline in World Cup 28 did, according to newspapers from the time, feel like a defeat, especially after a previous 0-4 capitulation to Jeruselem, but Audioslavians will have fond memories of the other two encounters. The nil-all scorelines don't hint at much excitement, of course, but the occasions - AOCAF35 and WC63 - are forever entrenched in the national psyche: They are tournaments that the Bulls won.
Prediction: Again, four points at the very least. Milchama have never really been a force in international football despite their longevity, and this Audioslavia team should be able to barge their way past a lightweight Milchama side.
Sarrbia
Sarrbia are no strangers to world football, having fielded teams at previous World Cups, but few Bulls fans will have sleepless nights over the idea of the oddly-coloured Sarrbians denting Audioslavia's qualification hopes.
Prediction: Six points.
Sameba
(W2-D0-L0 F8 A3)
Sameba 1-4 Audioslavia (WC68 Playoffs)
Audioslavia 4-2 Sameba (WC68 Playoffs)
Audioslavia came up against Sameba, Eura's belligerent cousins, in the playoffs for World Cup 68 and, home and away, despatched the men in green with little difficulty.
Sameba came into that match ranked 67th in the world - a respectable position - but the fact that they return to Audioslavia with a ranking of exactly 67 again - some twelve years later - implies a team that has long since hit its glass ceiling in world football.
Prediction: Six points, but not without a lot of hard work.
Royalsoldiers
Some Audioslavians may be familiar with the Royal Soldiers from their kits - made by our very own Kirola Sportswear - but little is known about the side other than their occasional inclusion in the sign-ups for the World Cup; and boy do we mean 'occasional'.
Royalsoldiers first signed up for the NSWC way back in cycle 54, and maintained a world ranking until WC65, at which point they sadly dropped off the face of the planet once more.
The side are back in the mix now. How serious will this cycle's challenge be? It remains to be seen, but one thing we should mention is this: In the twelve cycles between World Cup 54 and World Cup 65, Royalsoldiers never rose above 128th in the world rankings.
Not pictured: Lies, damned lies. Graph shows group 15's rank over time, from World Cup 53 to World Cup 69.
Affiliated South Califan Sprawls
"Ah, Free South Califas!" you exclaim, but no, ASCS and FSC are wholly different beasts. "But their shirt" you may retort. But their shirt indeed. Kirola first created the Sprawls' kit for World Cup 68, but it was rarely worn amidst troubles in the then not-so-free states. The Califan peoples have returned to the international stage for World Cup 71, and they're wearing the same shirts, but don't mistake them for the oft-underestimated, rarely-outgunned Califas of old; ASCS have yet to prove themselves worthy of the proud black and red.
Prediction: Audioslavia against a new team? Six points. Audioslavia against a team as good as Free South Califas could have been? Three.
Garifunya
(W2-D0-L0 F8 A2)
Audioslavia 6-2 Garifunya (WC70 Qualifiers)
Garifunya 0-2 Audioslavia (WC70 Qualifiers)
Last but arguably not least is Garifunya, a team Audioslavia played - and beat - on two occasions on the way to qualification for World Cup 70. Diakite posed some problems for Audioslavia back in the two sides' first encounter, opening the scoring early on, but Audioslavia's victory that day was emphatic and few Garifunyans will be optimistic about their teams' chances when they travel to the Kirola Arena again.
Prediction: Six points again, please
He shook his head, picked up his phone, and dialled the extention to his office of writers.
*2* *8* *6* *8* *8*
"Tell Victor to come to my office, please."
The old man looked out of the window and tutted at his own reflection. 'Back in the day', he thought to himself, 'I used to get good writers as interns'.
He looked at the phone again. He should probably make the call. He should probably have done it a while ago.
'Three hundred years' he muttered to himself. 'And it never gets any easier'
"What doesn't?" said a voice behind him. Victor's.
"Punching people who don't knock" said the old man. "Sit down. I need a word with you about this garbage you're sending me. And who the hell does these graphs? It looks like you knocked it up on google sheets at one in the morning.
"Kitty does them, boss" replied Victor, still standing, looking expectantly at a chair. Too well brought up to sit down without being specifically informed that he could. Too naive to figure out that a man like... him... would never in a million years offer such a deal.
Victor looked back up from the chair to see the old man choking on a gulp of coffee.
"Kitty?!" he said, finally, spraying coffee on his chair. The old man looked flabbergasted, as if Victor had just told him that the poor girl's name was 'Mingevajayjay' or something. Like a flash, however, the look of incredulity was gone. The old man looked down at his chair, brought a hankerchief from his shirt, and started dabbing at coffee stains.
It occurred to Victor, however, that the old man wasn't actually cleaning the chair. He was, moreover, cleaning the coat that hung over the back of it. An old, mangy, once-beige monster of a coat. What did they used to call them? Mackinlays? McPahans? Mackintlocks? Either way, it was much less valuable than the $8000 state of the art ergonomic swivel-chair it was sitting on.
Victor realised he was being spoken to. Or, rather, mumbled at.
"What?" said Victor
"I said **** off" said the old man. "Go and find this 'Kitty'. I've something to ask her"
Victor left, quickly. So quickly he almost knocked over the hat-stand on his way out. It wobbled behind him as the door closed.
"And watch the ****ing Trilby" said the old man, at the departing figure through the frosted glass. "That's lasted me longer than you ever will"
to be continued