Slembanan Sports NewsWires [CLOSED]

[Slembana]

This is for the sportswires in Slembana and its puppets. No-one other than Slembana and its puppets can post here.

Slembana:
Sporting achievements:

Football:
1. Renaissance Cup 1 - Semi-finals
2. King James Invitational Cup - Third place
3. Friendly Cup 2 - Runners-up
4. Copa Gaveo I - Winners
5. Copa Gaveo II - Third place
6. Friendly Cup 4 - Runners-up
7. Copa Gaveo III - Third place
8. Slembanan Invitational Cup - Runners-up
9. Friendly Cup 5 - Third place
10. Quall Cup IV - Semi-finals
11. Copa Gaveo V - Third place
12. Friendly Cup 7 - Winners

Other tournaments in which Slembana have been in:

Football:
1. World Cup 61 qualifying - Did not qualify (finished 7th out of 9 in qualifying Group 5)
2. Friendly Cup 1 - Round 1
3. Cup of Harmony 53 - Round 1
4. International Youth Games football tournament - Round 1
5. Friendly Cup 3 - Round 1
6. Campionato Esportiva III - Round 2
7. World Cup 62 qualifying - Did not qualify (finished 5th out of 8 in qualifying Group 15)
8. Copa Gaveo IV - Quarter-finals
9. Zion Financial Challenge Cup - Finished with 1 point out of 9
10. World Fair Play Trophy - Finished with 4 points out of 12
11. Friendly Cup 6 - Round 2
12. Cup of Harmony 54 - Round 1

Rugby Union:
1. Rugby Union World Cup 19 - Round 2
2. Esportiva Union Cup - Quarter-finals

Handball:
1. Handball World Cup 9 - Round 1
2. Esportivaball I - Quarter-finals

Gridiron:
1. Baptism of Iron 12 - Quarter-finals

Athletics:
1. The 100m World Cup - 1 medal (0 gold, 1 silver, 0 bronze)

Ice Hockey:
1. World Cup of Hockey 19 - Did not qualify (Finished 4th out of 6 in qualifying group 3)

[Slembana]

RESTARTED

Slembanan Premier League matchay 1 results:
11 August:
12:45 - Bafilo United 37-0 Ginnotz
15:00 - Bafilo City 9-0 Scandalous
15:00 - Hardvesk Argyle 2-4 Candy United
15:00 - Tamerin Rangers 4-1 Zinko
15:00 - Anderson City 6-0 Velbay City
15:00 - Vanderlei Albion 8-0 Bolton City
17:30 - Ponting 4-0 Velbay United
12 August:
13:30 - Tëje Wanderers 12-2 Tánixo
16:00 - Yavelsk Rovers 12-0 Bolton United
13 August:
20:00 - Chelsea City 14-0 Terbay
MD2:
18 August:
12:45 - Tánixo 1-10 Vanderlei Albion
15:00 - Terbay 1-0 Ginnotz
15:00 - Bolton United 0-7 Bafilo City
15:00 - Velbay City 0-8 Chelsea City
15:00 - Bolton City 0-16 Yavelsk Rovers
15:00 - Velbay United 0-2 Anderson City
17:30 - Scandalous 0-14 Bafilo United
19 August:
13:30 - Zinko 0-10 Ponting
16:00 - Candy United 1-2 Tëje Wanderers
20 August:
Hardvesk Argyle 1-1 Tamerin Rangers
After two games, Bafilo United are top and Ginnotz are bottom.

[Slembana]

MD3:
21 August:
19:45 - Bafilo United 26-0 Terbay
19:45 - Chelsea City 7-0 Velbay United
19:45 - Ginnotz 1-5 Velbay City
20:00 - Bafilo City 12-0 Bolton City
20:00 - Scandalous 0-1 Bolton United
22 August:
19:45 - Yavelsk Rovers 7-0 Tánixo
19:45 - Anderson City 10-0 Zinko
20:00 - Vanderlei 10-1 Candy United
20:00 - Ponting 1-0 Hardvesk Argyle
20:00 - Tëje Wanderers 0-2 Tamerin Rangers
Bafilo United stay top and Ginnotz stay bottom.

[Slembana]

The Slembana Times: Fantastic friendly win

By Peter Whiteman, chief football reporter at the Royal Slembana Stadium, Bafilo (attendance 125,301)

In our first friendly match as a ranked team in the KPB rankings, we have beaten Western Cuba 3-2 – only our second friendly win in seven friendlies.

We opened the scoring in the 20th minute, when Val Kylx curled home a left-foot shot. Earlier, Kylx had hit the post, while Western Cuba’s star striker Edgardo Mendoza had saw a header saved by our goalkeeper, Toby Gapman. Mendoza equalized in the 31st minute, when he headed home a Ricardo Calderón corner. In the 43rd minute, things turned from bad to worse for us, when Alberto Perez curled home a free-kick.

We were much more dominant in the second half, but didn’t break down the Western Cuban defence until the 86th minute, when Finlay Yalnif’s cross was flicked on by Kylx, and headed home by Dorrin Forrester at the back post. And, in the last minute, Yuppë Tárnix’s cross was headed home by our captain, Gavin Stockwell. This was Stockwell’s first international goal, and it sent our fans wild.

[Slembana]

The Slembana Times: Record-equalling win

By Peter Whiteman, chief football reporter at The Stone Colloseum, Zingolar (attendance 67,599)

We have equalled our biggest-ever international win, beating Zingolar 5-1 in a friendly away from home.

Despite the resounding scoreline we won by, it was actually the home team who took the lead. Diego Cortes curled brilliantly past our goalkeeper, Toby Gapman, in the 3rd minute, giving Zingolar a shock lead against us, the team ranked 141st in the world. However, we fought back, equalizing in the 29th minute, with Val Kylx heading home a cross from Finlay Yalnif.

We went 2-1 up in the 42nd minute, when Yuppë Tárnix ran down the left-wing. He crossed it into the box, where Dorrin Forrester was waiting. Forrester flicked the ball onto Kylx, who tapped in from 3 yards to give us a half-time lead.

In the 54th minute, we went further ahead, with Kylx completing his hat-trick with a penalty. This was Kylx’s fourth international hat-trick, and the goal was his 30th in just 32 internationals. It was 4-1 in the 64th minute, with Dorrin Forrester curling home a free-kick from 25 yards. And then, in the 89th minute, Yalnif charged forward and shot. He scored, this goal being his first on the international stage.

[Slembana]

The Slembana Times: Bore draw

By Peter Whiteman, chief football reporter

Our friendly match with Sonderosa, a puppet of Farfadillis, has ended in a boring 0-0 draw – which I believe is our first-ever 0-0 draw on the international stage.

Val Kylx had the best chance of the first-half, when his angled shot hit the crossbar. Other good chances included our goalkeeper, Toby Gapman, saving a shot from Sonderosa’s star striker, Sonderosa’s star playmaker hitting the post with a free-kick, and Jyvx Dagens hitting straight at the Sonderosan goalkeeper. The first half was described as “drab” my many.

We almost opened the scoring in the 49th minute, only for Kylx to hit the post with a volley. The best chance of the second half came on 64 minutes, when Sonderosa’s star striker blazed over the bar from close range.

Both teams made last-ditch attempts to score, but in the end, the efforts of us and Sonderosa were in vain, as a 0-0 draw was played out. This was the first time in six matches that we had failed to score.

[Slembana]

The Slembana Times: Just lost in friendly

By Peter Whiteman, chief football reporter at the Royal Slembanan Stadium, Bafilo (attendance 123,456)

Our first friendly in about 3 months has ended in a 3-2 loss at home to Mashiki.

We opened the scoring in the third minute, when Finlay Yalnif's cross was headed home at the back post by 23-year-old striker Eddie Barlow, currently plying his trade in Iturributa. This was Barlow's international debut, and he marked it in style by scoring here. We were dominant after the goal, with Mashikan goalkeeper Finsha saving shots from Barlow, Val Kylx, Jyvx Dagens, Yalnif, and Yuppë Tárnix. So it was no surprise when we went 2-0 up after 42 minutes, with Kylx banging into the net from 25 yards. It was a good half for us, as we were 2-0 up.

However, the first signs of cracks in our defence was seen on 47 minutes, when Papovski, Mashiki's star striker, ran around Gavin Stockwell before banging high into the net. Papovska, Mashiki's other striker, banged home a 20 yard free-kick 16 minutes later to level for the away team. We were on the attack in the 89th minute, only for Yalnif to lose to the ball to left-back Dask Lalk. Lalk boomed it down the pitch to Papovska, who headed home to win the game for Mashiki in heartbreaking fashion.

[Slembana]

Slembanan Premier League season 2012-13 review: Mid-season
Bafilo United, the champions, are in third, with Bafilo City surprisingly topping the table. United drew at home with Vanderlei Albion, and lost at home to Yavelsk Rovers (and City in the Bafilo derby). City have won all of their games so far, so they are topping the table, with Chelsea City in third. Yavelsk Rovers complete the top four.

Meanwhile, Terbay, Scandalous, and Ginnotz are in the relegation spots. Ginnotz have lost all of their games so far.

[Slembana]

Slembanan Premier League 2012-13 season: Looking back
Bafilo City are the champions! They won all but two games to finish top, despite losing 4-0 to city rivals United on the final day. United finished second. Chelsea City and Yavelsk Rovers complete the top 4.

At the bottom, Terbay, Scandalous, and Ginnotz were relegated. Ginnotz finished last, losing every single game - yes, EVERY SINGLE GAME. How about that, eh?

[Slembana]

SFL Division 1 review
Hardvesk United and Bafilo Ambers went up automatically. Chelsea United, Tamerin United, Hardvesk City, and Candy Thistle are in the play-offs.

Yapolish, Ian's Boys, and Porrin Porridge went down.

[Slembana]

Chelsea United are promoted via the play-offs.

[Slembana]

The Slembana Times – Another friendly loss

By Peter Whiteman, chief football reporter at the Royal Slembanan Stadium, Bafilo (attendance 119,871)

We have lost yet another friendly match – this time 2-1 at home to Ko-oren. However, Ko-oren were ranked 71st in the world, while we were 141st.

We took the lead after 4 minutes, when Val Kylx drilled past the Ko-orenite goalkeeper, Haki Asgard. Kylx then hit the bar, before Eddie Barlow curled wide. A Jyvx Dagens free-kick then went over the bar, with us creating chances at will. However, Ko-oren levelled after 41 minutes, when their star striker, Naemasu Tokachi, headed home a cross from Ko-oren’s left-winger, Nigihayahi Nemuro (who wears the number 5 shirt, a strange number for a left-winger to wear).

We almost got off to a flying second half start, only for Kylx to slide wide. Tokachi then hit the post, before Barlow hit the bar with a volley. Koyane Shiribeshi, Tokachi’s strike partner (who wears the number 11 shirt) then saw a shot saved by our goalkeeper, Toby Gapman. Shiribeshi made it 2-1 to Ko-oren in the 87th minute, though, by tapping in. This was the last major act of the game.

[Slembana]

The Slembana Times: First win in four

By Peter Whiteman, chief football reporter at the Royal Slembanan Stadium, Bafilo (attendance 133,531)

We have recorded our first win in four, beating Gaveo 2-0 at home. This was our first friendly win in four, too.

We took the lead after just 75 seconds, with Finlay Yalnif running down the wing and crossing the ball into the box. The ball missed Eddie Barlow, but found Val Kylx, who tapped in to score his 36th international goal. Gaveo had a chance in the 5th minute, with Sebastian Cadiz seeing a drilled shot saved by our goalkeeper, Toby Gapman.

We almost scored again in the 12th minute, only for a Barlow header to be cleared off the line by Alex Orloa. Kylx hit the post with a lob in the 17th minute, before a Cadiz screamer hit the bar after 24 minutes.

We may have been dominant, but we couldn’t find another goal. Hernan Garcia almost punished us in the 32nd minute, only to see a free-kick hit the crossbar. In the 41st minute, good work by Jyvx Dagens almost saw Kylx score again, only for Kylx, the Bafilo United striker, to see a shot saved by goalkeeper Victor Moreno. The half-time score was 1-0, despite Joaquin Montevideo coming close in stoppage time and the end of the first half.

We came close two minutes after half time, with Kylx heading just wide from a Yuppë Tárnix cross. In the 53rd minute, Gaveoan defender Sebastian Riveros picked up the ball inside his own penalty area. He ran all the way down the pitch, beating five of our players, only to hit the post and see the ball go out for a goal kick. Despite this, the Gaveoan fans clapped Riveros.

In the 64th minute, a Follin Maxet thunderbolt from 40 yards was palmed away by Moreno. Kylx then hit the bar with a free-kick, before Cadiz and Garcia came close with headers. We were the dominant side, but we weren’t able to find a second goal that would have settled our nerves, as Gaveo were still quite threatening.

However, in the last minute, some excellent ping pong passing ended in Yalnif passing the ball to Kylx. Kylx juggled the ball, before flicking it over the head of Riveros, and lobbing it to Barlow, who headed in to secure the win.

[Slembana]

OOC: This is a newspaper report from March 2013 Slembanan Time.

The Slembana Times: Who will be our new manager?

By Tom Jaxon, football reporter

George Gray, former manager of the national football team, has just been SACKED. Gray, the former Chelsea City manager, was sacked due to the national team being knocked out at the group stage of the third Friendly Cup. But who will be the new manager? The Slembana Times will give you the contenders...

Candidate number 1: Alex Gardina
Gardina, manager of Bafilo City, has steered his team to the top of the Premier League table, making City one of the favourites to win the league this season. Gardina was previously manager of lowly Bézburgh Town, and steered them from Division Three in 2006 to the Premier League in 2009. Seen as a solid choice.

Managerometer: 8/10

Candidate number 2: Doppy Polver
Polver managed us at the King James Invitational Cup only. He lead us to third place at the tournament, as we won two and drew three at the tournament. He is desperate to get the job again, but he is not the favourite.

Managerometer: 5/10

Candidate number 3: Ian Harvey
Harvey was our first manager, managing us from July to August 2012. He was sacked after a 1-0 loss at home to Union Isle on 15 August 2012. It was a friendly, played during the mid-qualifying break for World Cup 61 qualifying. Anyway, it is very unlikely that Harvey will become manager again, especially as he is being coveted by other national teams.

Managerometer: 1/10

[Slembana]

BREAKING NEWS

We've some huge news coming in for you. Val Kylx, the 17 year-old Bafilo United striker, our international top scorer, has been sold to Feardillis Wanderers of Farfadillis for D55 million. This is a huge blow to our most successful club. However, in return, Neguimbelefra Fragerda was given to United in exchange for Kylx for free.

[Slembana]

This is the sporting timeline for all international sporting competitions Slembana, and its puppets, have been in. The current date in Slembana is 15 October 2013.

July 2012: Slembana's national football team was founded. Their first-ever international ended in a 3-0 loss to Kirchland. The football team reached the semi-finals of the first Renaissance Cup, and were third at the King James Invitational Cup.
August 2012: Slembana participated in qualifying for the 61st World Cup (football), despite having not played in the 48th Baptism of Fire, and finished 7th out of 9 in qualifying Group 5. In addition, Slembana's national handball team played in their first-ever tournament, the 9th Handball World Cup, and got knocked out at the group stage, winning two and losing three of their five games. As well as this, the first Friendly Cup, a football tournament held in Slembana, saw Slembana go out at the first round - losing 3-1 to Drosophiland.
September 2012: Slembana's football team travelled to Old Guard to play the second Friendly Cup. The team did well, reaching the final, only to lose 2-0 to Max empire in the final. In addition, Slembana played in the Esportiva Union Cup, a regional rugby union tournament for Slembana's region, Esportiva, with Slembana reaching the quarter-finals.
October 2012: Slembana's football team played in the 53rd Cup of Harmony, which was held in Turori (and other nations in the region of Atlantian Oceania). The Cup of Harmony is a tournament in the World Cup Cycle which is played by invited teams who failed to qualify for the World Cup itself. Slembana played two of their group games in Turori, and one in Vilita (Turori's puppetmaster).

Slembana, who were ranked 141st in the world going into the CoH, were placed in a tough group for the tournament, facing Saugeais (10th), Stachland & Minor Outlying Islands (43rd), and West Angola (79th). In their first two games, Slembana lost 2-0 to Saugeais and 2-1 to Stachland. These losses all-but knocked Slembana out. However. a 3-3 draw with West Angola in their last group game salvaged themselves some pride.
November 2012: Slembana played in another football tournament. This time, it was the first Copa Gaveo, which, as you can tell, was held in Gaveo. In the group stage (which was six teams playing each other once, with the top four advancing to the semi-finals), Slembana stayed unbeaten, with 6 points out of a possible 15. Slembana beat Gaveo 3-2 in the semi-finals to advance to the final, where they beat Free Swiss States 2-1 to win their first trophy. This is so far their only trophy.

[Slembana]

Renaissance Cup 1

The Renaissance Cup was hosted on Renaissance's regional forums. I will be copying and pasting my RP's from the Renaissance forums.

Slembana national football team
Nickname:The Afra Birds
Manager:Ian Harvey
Assistant Manager:John Poeland
(starters in (s))
Goalkeepers:
Max Direfa (age 29) (#12)
Jordan Vaniel (age 25) (#23)
Toby Gapman (age 30) (s) (#1)
Defenders:
Tom Iflon (age 21) (s) (#2)
Yannick Fleftouno (age 19) (#13)
Gavin Stockwell (age 35) (captain) (s) (#5)
Arran Maxwell-Hunter (age 18) (s) (#4)
Warren Lockton (age 20) (#20)
James Bareman (age 37) (#22)
Norris Rawlinson (age 32) (s) (#3)
Steven Mirrenson (age 22) (#14)
Midfielders:
Finlay Yalnif (age 27) (s) (#7)
Jonny Robertson (age 31) (#15)
Val Slistick (age 26) (s) (#8)
Friday Keane (age 23) (s) (#6)
Dominic Halmez (age 30) (#18)
Zorro Pullman (age 24) (#21)
Fred Krager (age 30) (s) (#11)
Javo Jexa (age 25) (#19)
Strikers:
Jarod Vale (age 24) (s) (#9)
Innes Yuhu (age 19) (s) (#10)
Nick Dowell-Kin (age 17) (#17)
Xavier Reivax (age 22) (#16)

RP Permissions:
Choose my goalscorers: Yes Y/N
RP injuries to my players: No Y/N
Godmod injuries: No Y/N
Issue yellow/red cards to my players: Only yellows Y/N
Godmod events: No Y/N

The Slembana Times: Great win for the lads!

By Peter Whiteman, chief football reporter at the Lime Ground, Urbanisti, Apox (capacity 28,753)

Our boys got off to a great start in the Reinassance Cup, beating Higgins and Browne 1-0 to record our first-ever international win. Our hero was Jarod Vale, who scored our first-ever international goal with a penalty, awarded after Finlay Yalnif had been fouled by Higgins and Browne captain Michael Sherlock, who was booked. Higgins and Browne's best chance was when their striker Marty Gallagher had a header flashed away by our goalie, Toby Gapman. Earlier, Yalnif had been booked for diving. This win puts us on top of our group, putting us in a good position to advance to the semi-finals - good stuff boys!

The Slembana Times: Table-toppers!

By Peter Whiteman, chief football reporter at the Lime Ground, Urbanista, Apox (Capacity 31,559)

Our boys won 1-0 in the Renaissance Cup for the second successive game, beating Jezebel to qualify for the semi-finals in first place. We only needed a point anyway. Our hero was late teenage substitute Nick Dowell-Kin, who banged home from 30 yards with just seconds to go. Earlier, Jezebel's playmaker had hit the post with a free-kick, while their goalkeeper saved shots from Finlay Yalnif, captain Gavin Stockwell, and 20 year-old striker Innes Yuhu. Yalnif was the star of the match, setting up Dowell-Kin's goal. The right-winger was unlucky not to score himself. Yalnif was voted man of the match.

The Slembana Times: Out of the Cup

By Peter Whiteman, chief football reporter at the APX Sports Stadium, Dwile, Apox (attendance 54,321)

After topping our group, our football team crashed out of the Renaissance Cup, losing 1-0 in the semi-finals to Feuer Ritter. We almost opened the scoring the 15th minute, with a header from Gavin Stockwell, our captain, being palmed away by Feuer Ritter goalie Meinrad Hoerning. Jarod Vale then hit the post with a drive, before Feuer Ritter's Gerlach Vonhoff saw a shot palmed away by goalkeeper Toby Gapman. We had further chances to score after that, but in the end, it was utter heartbreak, as Feuer Ritter's star striker Michael Hohmeier slotted into the bottom corner deep into stoppage time. The dream is over, but we at least can look back with some pride. Minutes after the final, the host nation of the tournament, Apox, decided to move itself to another region (Esportiva). Apox suggested to us that we should move ourselves to another region too, as Apox said that not many countries in Renaissance were interested in sport, hence the fact that the Renaaissance Cup went ahead with only 6 teams.

GROUP B RESULTS:
Higgins and Browne 0-1 Slembana
Jezebel 0-1 Slembana

SEMI-FINALS:
Slembana 0-1 Feuer Ritter

[Slembana]

King James Invitational Cup

Slembana's squad
Goalkeepers:
Kevin Banks (age 18)
Darryl Galmer (aged 23)
Aaron Hazzel (age 21)
Defenders:
Callum Potts (age 31)
Don Adobe (age 20)
Dennis Valfern (age 19)
Faryz Volix (age 22)
Kieran Moha (age 21)
Nelson Fernandez (age 25)
Midfielders:
Pete Galbor (age 21)
Jyvx Dagens (age 17)
Follin Maxet (age 22)
Prince Latifa (age 19)
Yamble Flittick (age 20)
Strikers:
Val Kylx (age 16)
Dorrin Forrester (age 25)
Lewis Puytser (age 18)
Haydn Golpix (age 23)
Staff:
Manager: Doppy Polver
Assistant Manager: Agan Javkets
Physio: Yerrin Alanson
GK coach: Nipoy Jexaxaxapoliceta
Opposition Scout: Nicky Polyin
Fitness Coach: Sergei Hoymel

OK....here goes....

The Slembanan Times: Decent start for youngsters

By Tom Jaxon, at the Royal Cosgravian Airlines Stadium, Coskigrad, Cosgravia (attendance 48,764)

While an older, different team beat Jezebel in the regional cup to top the group, a younger side in the King James Invitational Cup drew 1-1 with Icaia. Our best chance of the first half was a Dennis Valfern header that was palmed away by the Icaian keeper. Icaia's star striker scored in the 50th minute to leave us trailing. The goal was soft, with goalie Kevin Banks letting a long range shot slip between his legs. However, Val Kylx slotted home late on to secure a point.

Manager Doppy Polver's press conference:

Interviewer: Doppy, what do you think about the game?

Doppy: It was alright. We could have done better, but we'll take a point. It's better than nothing.

Interviewer: What do you think about their goal?

Doppy: (snarls) It was very soft. I was quite angry at Kevin [Banks] for letting it in. However, he's only eighteen, he'll improve. And gaining a point is what matters.

Interviewer: I'm hearing that another Slembanan side has just beaten Jezebel in another tournament.

Doppy: (delighted) Fantastic!

Interviewer: In addition, group favourites Cyborg Holland have been stunned 1-0 by Abaltha. Do you think that this opens the group right up?

Doppy: Yes. In our game against them, we'll stand more of a chance! However, we'll stand less of a chance if it's on matchday 3, and if they've won their game against the team we've been playing on matchday 2 (if that's how the fixtures go).

Interviewer: Thanks Doppy for the interview. Goodbye.

Doppy: Bye.

The Slembana Times: Kylx hat-trick hero!

By Dean Hándëll, football reporter at the Coskigrad Arena, Coskigrad, Cosgravia (attendance 72,349)

Although the same Slembana team who beat Jezebel in the Renaissance Cup yesterday lost in the semi-finals of the same tournament to Feuer Ritter today, the team who gained a point in yesterday's King James Invitational Cup match against Icaia beat Abaltha 3-0. All of our goals were scored by 16 year-old striker Val Kylx, who equalized in yesterday's match. The youngster scored a header in the 24th minute, a tap-in in the 53rd, and a penalty in the 86th - a "perfect" hat-trick. Our best chance other than Kylx's three goals was a Dorrin Forrester header in the 43rd minute that was flashed away by Abaltha goalkeeper Iordan Todorov. Abaltha's best chance was when Kevin Banks palmed away a Eliasz Sárközy shot in the 21st minute. This puts us in a great position to advance into the semi-finals, as our last game is against Cyborg Holland, who are already out despite being tipped my many to win the tournament prior to its start.

The Slembana Times: Through, but huge obstacle coming up

By Peter Whiteman, chief football reporter at the Coskigrad Arena, Coskigrad, Cosgravia (attendance unknown)

The lads drew 1-1 with Cyborg Holland, but as a result, we've only got 5 points (the lowest of any team progressing into the semi-finals of the King James Invitational Cup), we're second in our group thanks to Abaltha thrashing Icaia 4-0, and guess who's waiting for us the semi-finals? The hosts, Cosgravia. And they've won all their matches in the tournament so far, so we'll do very well to get into the final.
Our best chance in the first half was when Cyborg Holland goalkeeper Timothy Groenwald parried away a shot from Follin Maxet in the 15th minute. Cyborg Holland's best chance was when Philip Denbrandt saw his lob hit the crossbar in the 32nd minute. To the delight of our fans, the scoring was opened when Jyvx Dagens curled home a free-kick from 25 yards in the 63rd minute. It looked like we were going to win and top the group until the dying seconds of the match, when diminutive Cyborg Holland midfielder Robert de Grapf somehow outjumped our captain and 6'5" centre-back Don Adobe, who was nine inches taller than the player he was marking, and scored, much to annoyance of our horrified fans, players, staff, and citizens, who were sure that we were were going to win, top our group, and avoid a tricky semi-final with the hosts. But no, we only finished with 5 points, and we're second, with a very, very tricky semi-final against Cosgravia coming up. Bookmaker SlemBet is offering odds of 250-1 against for us to stun the hosts and get into the final.

The Slembana Time: Lads Lose, but there's still pride

By Peter Whiteman, chief football reporter

The lads lost to Cosgravia, but only just - it was a 2-2 draw after extra time, and we lost 5-4 in the dreaded penalty shoot-out which followed. We opened the scoring in the 1st minute, when Follin Maxet played in Val Kylx, who slipped the ball under Cosgravia goalie Simon Minglot. Cosgravia equalized in the 59th minute, when Eddie Hazzard thundered home from 35 yards. The game went to extra time, and after nine minutes of extra time, Hazzard scored again to make it 2-1 to the hosts. The player lofted the ball over our goalkeeper Kevin Banks. In the last minute of extra-time, we equalized, when Maxet and Kylx combined again, with Maxet lobbing the ball over 3 Cosgravia players, and Kylx volleying home to score his sixth goal of the tournament. The game went to a penalty shootout, and it was the hosts and favourites, Cosgravia, who won, scoring all five of their penalties, while we scored four but missed our last one. However, because we took the host team all the way to a penalty shoot-out, we can definitely be proud of ourselves, because even the most ardent of our fans knew we were going to lose in normal time.

The Slembana Times: Bronze medallists

By Peter Whiteman, chief football reporter at the Coskigrad City Stadium, Coskigrad, Cosgravia (attendance unknown)

We have finished third in the King James Invitational Cup after beating Perinpanland 2-1 in the third place play-off. The scoring was opened by us in the 15th minute, when Val Kylx scored his seventh goal of the tournament, in just five games. The player, who will celebrate his seventeenth birthday next Friday (3 August), curled the ball bast Perinpanland goalkeeper Gaspard Trotter. We dominated after the goal, with Trotter saving shots from Kylx, Jyvx Dagens, captain Don Adobe, and Kylx's strike partner Dorrin Forrester. So it was a surprise when Perinpanland equalized in the 42nd minute, with their captain, striker Rosario Charpentier, diving low to bullet a header past Kevin Banks. Perinpanland threatened to score a second in the second half, but in the end, we claimed the traditional bronze medals and the more unusual bronze shield, as we scored a last minute winner. Fittingly, it was our captain, Don Adobe, who volleyed home a curling thunderbolt from 25 yards that smacked into the top corner after Perinpanland had only half-cleared a corner. A smiling Adobe held the bronze shield aloft after it was presented to him by Cosgravia's eight year-old Princess Erin. We will go back home with smiles on our faces, as we stayed unbeaten throughout the whole tournament, despite only finishing third.

GROUP 2 RESULTS:
Slembana 1-1 Icaia
Slembana 3-0 Abaltha
Slembana 1-1 Cyborg Holland

SEMI-FINALS:
Cosgravia 2-2 Slembana (Cosgravia win 5-4 on penalties)

THIRD PLACE PLAY-OFF:
Slembana 2-1 Perinpanland

[Slembana]

World Cup 61 qualifying

Slembana's squad

After good campaigns in the regional cup and an invitational cup, we're in the World Cup! The Slembana Times will give you the inside on our squad.

Starting 11
Goalkeeper: Toby Gapman

Age: 30

Caps: 5

Goals: 0

Clean sheets: 2

Birthday: 29 August 1981

Toby is an experienced goalkeeper, and has gained 5 caps since we started playing football last month. He was our main goalie at the Renaissance Cup, and despite only keeping two clean sheets, is a reliable goalie. He plays for Bafilo United, our most successful team.

Right-back: Callum Potts

Age: 32

Caps: 7

Goals: 0

Clean sheets: 1

Birthday: 28 July 1980

Callum is another oldie, celebrating his 32nd birthday last week. He played in the King James Invitational Cup, and was not really a key player, but he did is bit as we secured third place.

Centre-back: Gavin Stockwell (captain)

Age: 36

Caps: 5

Goals: 0

Clean sheets: 2

Birthday: 1 August 1976

Yet another golden oldie is our inspirational captain, Gavin Stockwell. He captained us at the Renaissance Cup, and has been picked as captain here. The 36 year-old has been playing pro football for 19 years!

Centre back: Don Adobe

Age: 20

Caps: 7

Goals: 1

Clean sheets: 1

Birthday: 25 February 1992

Finally, a youngster! 20 year-old Don Adobe captained us to third place at the King James Invitational Cup, and is well respected. He is very mature for his age, and is "delighted" to line up alongside legendary captain Gavin Stockwell here.

Left back: Norris Rawlinson

Age: 32

Caps: 3

Goals: 0

Clean sheets: 2

Birthday: 19 January 1980

Back to the oldies - 32 year-old Norris Rawlinson is our first choice left-back, despite only starting three of the five internationals he's been eligible for. Norris was bullied at school for being a ginger, but has fought back to become of the world's best left-backs.

Right winger: Finlay Yalnif

Age: 27

Caps: 5

Goals: 0

Birthday: 21 April 1985

Finlay is a speedy winger who knows his tricks. He has not scored in any of his five internationals so far, but has three assists to his name, showing that is not just a useless piece of nothing. He is smiley, and loves to play.

Centre midfielder: Jyvx Dagens

Age: 17

Caps: 5

Goals: 1

Birthday: 19 December 1994

Jyvx is a young, attacking midfielder. He has black skin, and has been racially abused before. He has scored one international goal (in a 1-1 draw with Cyborg Holland in the King James Invitational Cup), and is famous for his deadly free-kicks.

Centre midfielder: Follin Maxet

Age: 23

Caps: 7

Goals: 0

Birthday: 24 July 1989

Just like his midfielder partner Jyvx Dagens, Follin has black skin and starred in the King James Invitational Cup. He has set up four international goals in his seven international appearances, but hasn't scored yet. Despite being classed as a defensive midfielder, you can see that Follin also has an attacking side through four assists in seven games.

Left winger: Yuppë Tárnix

Age: 24

Caps: 2

Goals: 0

Birthday: 23 July 1988

Yuppë may be considered as an unusual choice, as he didn't play in either the King James Invitational Cup or the Renaissance Cup. He has only gained two caps as a result, but he will be hoping to set up some goals here.

Striker: Val Kylx

Age: 17

Caps: 6

Goals: 8

Birthday: 3 August 1995

Val can easily be called our best player, as he has scored eight goals in six games. Despite us being in a tough group, he is expected to score lots in qualifying. He won the best player award at the King James Invitational Cup. His real name is Chindival, and whenever his classmates at school called him that, he got angry with them.

Striker: Jarod Vale

Age: 24

Caps: 5

Goals: 1

Birthday: 18 July 1988

Jarod will be the strike partner to the brilliant Val Kylx here in the World Cup qualifiers. His strike ratio is much less impressive than Val's - only one goal in five games. He will be hoping to boost his goals in the qualifiers.

Other squad members:

Goalkeepers: Kevin Banks and Josh Pitbull
Right-back: Tom Iflon
Centre-backs: James Bareman and Dennis Valfern
Left back: Nelson Fernandez
Right-winger: Olajide Tamerik
Centre midfielders: Val Slistick and Dominic Halmez
Left-winger: Javo Jexa
Strikers: Haydn Golpix and Xavier Reivax

Home stadium (capacity): Royal Slembanan Stadium (136,914)

RP Permissions:

Choose my goalscorers: Yes

RP injuries to my players: No

Godmod injuries: No

Issues yellow/red cards to my players: Only yellows. And make sure my players don't get suspended due to two yellow cards in two consecutive games, five yellows, ten yellows, two yellows in one games, etc.

Godmod events: No

The Slembana Times: Decent friendly result

By Peter Whiteman, chief football reporter

We drew 1-1 with Dandillis in a friendly before our first-ever World Cup. Ndella put Dandillis 1-0 up after 49 minutes with a penalty, but on 73 minutes, the brilliant Val Kylx, who turned 17 yesterday, headed home a cross from Finlay Yalnif. Dandillis were playing without their star player Tuzzio, and played defensively. We were a bit more attacking, but weren't too creative either. The upcoming World Cup will be the first-ever World Cup for both teams, and Dandillis and us will be more focused on trying to avoid finishing last, rather than qualify. But we will try our hardest to get into the World Cup.

Line-up:
Gapman
Potts (Iflon 86), Stockwell, Adobe, Fernandez
Yalnif, Keane (Slistick 65), Maxet, Tárnix
Kylx, Vale (Golpix 46)

The Slembana Times: Lads learn opponents

We have learned our opponents in World Cup qualifying. We are in Group 5 alongside, Scrap Brain Zone, The Islands of Qutar, Ancharmunn, Jeru FC, Deep Fried Pickles, Queer Poco el Mono Ara, Mesoland, and Megadia. Sadly, it doesn't look like we'll qualify. We think either Jeru FC or Queer Poco el Mono Ara will win the group.

The Slembana Times: Our chances rated

Our chances in World Cup qualifying rated.

Scrap Brain Zone (155): Two draws.
The Islands of Qutar (182): One draw, one loss.
Ancharmunn (52): Two losses.
Jeru FC (6): Two very heavy losses.
Deep Fried Pickles (329): Two wins.
Queer Poco el Mono Ara (26): Two losses.
Mesoland (273): One win, one loss.
Megadia (79): Two losses.

Slembana predictions:
Won 3
Drew 3
Lost 10
Points 12

The Slembana Times: Friendly win - on penalties

By Peter Whiteman, chief football reporter

We drew 1-1 with North Banrodesia in a friendly, and won 5-4 on penalties after extra-time. We opened the scoring in the 29th minute, when Val Kylx flicked the ball on to Jarod Vale from a Follin Maxet corner. Vale then headed home to score his second international goal. Earlier, North Banrodesia's star striker Freddie Kellock had headed wide, while Don Adobe saw his header palmed away by North Banrodesian goalkeeper Alex Tamson. Kylx then slid wide from 15 yards in the 49th minute, while Kellock hit the post in the 64th minute. As the game stretched in injury time, Kellock scored, when he banged home a bicycle kick. There were no more goals in extra-time, so a penalty shoot-out was played. All penalties were scored until North Banrodesian centre-back Turmas Srenecher missed his penalty at 4-4, and Adobe scored his to win the shootout for us.

The Slembana Times: Great start for the lads!

By Peter Whiteman, chief football reporter

The lads have got off to a great start in World Cup qualifying, beating the Islands of Qutar 1-0 away from home in our first qualifying game. We took the lead in the 3rd minute, when Finlay Yalnif's cross was flicked on by Jarod Vale, and Val Kylx scored at the back post with a bicycle kick. Qutar's star striker almost equalized 28 minutes later, only to hit the post. Jyvx Dagens, Vale, and captain Gavin Stockwell were then denied by the Qutarian goalie, before Qutar's star striker fired wide. In the last minute, Qutar's star striker fired wide. Seconds later, the final whistle sounded, and our fans cheered, as we had recorded a historic win.

The Slembana Times: Other results today

By Peter Whiteman, chief football reporter

The other results of our World Cup 61 qualifying group (Group 5) today saw only one goal in three games! Megadia's 1-0 win over Ancharmunn and 0-0 draws between Jeru FC and Mesoland and Deep Fried Pickles and Queer Poco el Mono Ara, combined with our 1-0 win at the Islands of Qutar, means we are joint top of our group!

The Slembana Times: Big day ruined

By Peter Whiteman, chief football reporter at the Royal Slembanan Stadium, Bafilo (attendance 136,754)

This was the day that all our fans had been looking forward to since the releasing of the fixtures for World Cup 61 qualifying. Our first-ever football international played on home turf. And guess what? We lost 3-0 to Scrap Brain Zone.

We got off to the worst possible start, as SBZ's star striker X-Prototype gave his team the lead after just 1 min 32 secs on the clock. It was a penalty, awarded after our captain Gavin Stockwell had brought down Eggmannian (an Eggmannian is someone from Scrap Brain Zone) winger Egg Hammer, who was cutting inside inside the penalty area and was on his way to score. Val Kylx almost equalized in the 6th minute when his volley hit the post, but after that it was a constant wave of attacks from SBZ, culminating in their star playmaker E-777 Lucky Lucky banging home a free-kick in the 43rd minute. At half-time, our manager, Ian Harvey, was very angry at the players. It was total madness there in the home dressing room at half-time. Harvey's shouting was so loud, that I could hear what he was saying! He was saying:

"THIS IS A SPECIAL OCCASION FOR ALL OF YOU! THE FANS, THE MEDIA, ME, AND ALL OF YOU! AND WHAT DO YOU DO? YOU'RE 2-0 DOWN AT HALF-TIME! DISGRACEFUL! NOW GO OUT OUT THERE AND SHOW THEM WHAT YOU CAN DO!"

Harvey's team-talk seemed to have half fired the players up, as we were now creating more chances. However, we were still not scoring. Kylx was denied by the keeper, Stockwell hit the post, Jarod Vale fired just wide, and a thunderbolt from Jyvx Dagens hit the bar. Also, in the 60th minute, Kylx got into a fight with Eggmannian player SCR-GP. SCR-GP ripped off the bottom of the 17 year-old striker's shirt. This meant that there were jaggy bits on Kylx's shirt, with his bare stomach showing! Despite what Harvey, his assistant John Poeland, and the other players said, Kylx decided not to change his shirt, because he said he looked "sexy" with his bare stomach showing. Anyway, Kylx, with his ripped shirt, hit the bar with a free-kick, and had many more chances to score.

However, right at the end, the sucker punch arrived, when X-Prototype scored his second goal to finish the game off. In the home dressing room, Harvey was speechless. In a post-match press conference, Kylx said that whenever he scored a goal from then on, he would bang his stomach with both of hands, in memory of today, even though we lost.

Post match-interview of Slembana manager Ian Harvey and star striker Val Kylx

Interviewer: Val, Ian. Hello.

Val: Hello

Ian: Hello.

Interviewer: We'll start with you Ian. Your shouting at half-time was very loud! We could hear every word you were saying!

Ian: Yes. I was fuming! We were 2-0 down at half-time to a team of robots in our first-ever home international. Today was a special occasion for all of us - me, the players, the fans, the president, the prime minister, the citizens, the media like you - you get the point.

Interviewer: What else was going on inside the dressing room at half-time, Ian?

Ian: I was shouting, as you all know, but I was also throwing food at the players. It was total madness.

Interviewer: Ian, there was no noise from the dressing room at the end of the game. We lost 3-0. I guess you weren't bellowing at the players because you were afraid you would lose your voice!

Ian: (chuckles) Yeah. I was also too shocked and too angry to shout.

Interviewer: What do you think about the game?

Ian: I'm very disappointed at the score. Yes, we were 2-0 down at half-time, and weren't dominant in the first half, but we really should have scored at least one in the second half. And them scoring right at the end to make it 3-0 really hurts.

Interviewer: On to you, Val. We have got to start at the shirt incindent. What was going through your mind when you started the fight?

Val: The robot came up to me and said (puts on robot voice) weak-puny-human (crowd chuckles slightly). I then got angry with him, and snapped back: Well, at least I'm a human. The Robot then got angry with me, and ripped off the bottom of my shirt. It was now jagged, with my bare stomach showing. I could hear the SBZ fans say "weyyy", as if to cheer softly.

Interviewer: We saw you come over to the dugout to get a drink. And then we saw Ian and assistant manager John Poeland speak to you. They said that you should get a new shirt on. However, you ignored their calls, saying that you looked "sexy" with your bare stomach showing. (crowd chortles)

Val: Yeah. The other players told me to change my shirt too. But I like it. I do look sexy with my bare stomach showing (but with my shirt still on). (crowd chuckles) Also, from now on, whenever I score a goal, I'll bang my stomach with both my hands, in memory of today, even though we lost.

Interviewer: What do you think about the result?

Val: We should have won. We really should have scored at the very least.

Interviewer: Ian, Val: Thanks. Goodbye.

Ian: Goodbye

Val: Goodbye

The Slembana Times: Back on track

By Peter Whiteman, chief football reporter at the Royal Slembanan Stadium, Bafilo (attendance 136,845)

After yesterday's disappointment of losing 3-0 to Scrap Brain Zone at home, we belatedly recorded our first-ever home win, beating Mesoland 1-0 on home turf, making today a historic day.

It was 0-0 at half-time, with both teams having good chances to score. Mesoland's best chance in the first half was when Toby Gapman palmed away a Darron Miaku shot in the 35th minute. Our best chance was when Nelson Fernandez played in Yuppë Tárnix down the left wing in the 24th minute. Tárnix crossed into the box, and Jarod Vale almost scored his 3rd international goal, only to see his overhead kick hit the crossbar.

Shortly after half-time, Mesoland's star striker Beritata Nukaba almost gave his team the lead, only to see a volley safely fielded by Gapman. Then, right-back Tom Iflon (who was playing instead of first-choice Callum Potts, who had a mystery illness) cross to the back post, where Val Kylx was waiting. The teenager so nearly scored a spectactular goal from the tight angle he was standing in, hitting the post with a volley.

Right at the end, it was still 0-0 and our fans were getting frustrated, thinking that we would miss another chance to record our first-ever win on home turf. However, those fans were wrong, happily. Finlay Yalnif crossed the ball into the box, and Gavin Stockwell, our captain, was there. He headed it towards goal, only for the ball to hit the crossbar and be hoofed away by Mesoland defender Ahaka Majukalile. However, Jyvx Dagens controlled the ball after it hit the ground, and played a lovely through ball into Val Kylx, who was 35 yards out. The youngster fired the ball first time as hard as he could with his stronger left foot. It hit the crossbar, and went in. The noise when the goal was scored was deafening! I had to put my fingers in my ears, it was that loud! Just as Kylx said yesterday, he banged his stomach with both hands, before sliding down on his knees right in front of the fans.

Just after the goal, the referee blew his whistle for the last time in this match, and again, our fans let out a deafening cheer. I'm not surprised - we had just recorded our first-ever international win at home.

The Slembana Times: Good away form continues

By Peter Whiteman, chief football reporter

Our good away form in World Cup 61 qualifying has continued, after we beat Deep Fried Pickles 1-0 away from home today. The scoring was opened in the 15th minute, when Val Kylx motored into the penalty area. Instead of going on to score his 11th goal in 11 internationals, the 17 year-old instead unselfishly passed it across to his 24 year-old strike partner Jarod Vale, who tapped in at the back post. Previously, Kylx had saw a header saved by DFP's goalie, while DFP's star striker had hit the post with a free-kick. DFP almost equalized in the 44th minute, only for their star striker to see a shot palmed away by our 'keeper Kevin Banks, who was standing in for Toby Gapman, who was ill and thus couldn't play.

At half-time, because we were leading for the first time in three matches, our manager, Ian Harvey, was delighted - sharp contrast to his bellowing at the players at half-time on Tuesday. He told the players to "keep up the good work".

We almost scored again after the break, only for Kylx's stinging drive to be palmed over the bar by the DFP keeper. DFP then had a great chance to score, but they wasted it. Their left-winger played a low ball across the box. It flicked up off the left foot of our captain Gavin Stockwell, and DFP's star striker looked certain to score with a header. However, Banks made a magnificent save, jumping up into the air on his side, and palming the ball away.

Kylx then made a last-ditch attempt to score, only to hit the post late on, just before the final whistle. It didn't matter though, as we've recorded another vital three points in our quest to qualify for our first-ever World Cup.

Ratings:
Kevin Banks, 8/10
Kevin made many saves to stop DFP from scoring. He contributed to our win as much as our scorer today, Jarod Vale.
Callum Potts, 6/10
Callum was decent throughout the match on his return from illness, but at some points, he let in DFP's left winger.
Gavin Stockwell, 7/10
Gavin, our captain, was also OK. He did make some errors, but made some really good last-ditch tackles.
Don Adobe, 7/10
Don was also OK during the match. He was less prominent than Gavin Stockwell, our captain, but did make some really good tackles to rob DFP's attacking players of the ball.
Norris Rawlinson, 8/10
Norris, dropped for our previous match against Mesoland, showed us why it should be him, and not Nelson Fernandez, starting at left-back. He kept DFP's right-winger in his pocket all match.
Finlay Yalnif, 7/10
Finlay terrorized DFP's left-back all match and provided many good crosses. However, some of his crosses were absolute failures, which is why he only warrants a 7.
Jyvx Dagens, 8/10
Jyvx was very good on the pitch today, as usual. His through balls were excellent, with one of them setting up Val Kylx, who in turn set up Jarod Vale for our only goal. Jyvx ended the match with an amazingly impressive 97% pass completion rate.
Follin Maxet, 7/10
Follin, our most-capped player alongside Don Adobe, again did well. He tracked back to defend when our defenders were way up the pitch, and played some good through balls too.
Yuppë Tárnix, 7/10
Just like Finlay Yalnif on the right flank did with DFP's left-back, Yuppë Tárnix on the left wing gave the DFP right-back a torrid time, supplying some really good crosses. Just like Finlay, though, some of Yuppë's crosses were rubbish, so that's why he's been given a 7, and not an 8 or a 9.
Val Kylx, 8/10
Val, the best player in our team, set up Jarod Vale's goal and looked really lively throughout the whole match. He had many chances to score himself, and was unlucky not to get himself on the scoresheet.
Jarod Vale, 8/10
Jarod, our scorer, was also good. As well as scoring our goal, he had many other chances to score, before he was customarily substituted late on.
Substitutes:
Dennis Valfern, 7/10
Dennis made some good tackles late on after replacing Don Adobe.
Dominic Halmez, 5/10
After coming on for Follin Maxet in the 63rd minute, Dominic did not do that well. He lost the ball often, and only good tackles from our captain Gavin Stockwell, Don Adobe, and later Dennis Valfern, and great saves from our goalkeeper Kevin Banks spared Dominic's blushes.
Haydn Golpix, 6/10
After coming on as a late substitute for scorer Jarod Vale in the 89th minute, Haydn didn't have a lot of time to do much.

The Slembana Times: Other resuls today

By Tom Jaxon

As well as us beating Deep Fried Pickles 1-0 away from home, three other games were played in our World Cup 61 qualifying group (group 5). These three games yielded ten goals. Scrap Brain Zone, who beat us 3-0 in our first-ever home match earlier in qualifying, kept up their 100% record by beating Mesoland 2-0 away. Queer Poco el Mono Ara beat Megadia 2-1, while The Islands of Qutar continued their good form by winning 3-2 for the second game in a row - this time away to Ancharmunn. With group favourites Jeru FC not playing today, we moved into second place in the group, behind Scrap Brain Zone on goal difference.

The Slembana Times: A loss, but expected

By Peter Whiteman, chief football reporter at the Royal Slembanan Stadium, Bafilo (attendance 135,414)

The lads have lost 1-0 to Ancharmunn, but we were expected to lose - while we were unranked before the qualifying, Ancharmunn were 52nd! A big gulf in class. However, we can still pride ourselves in only losing 1-0 - our fans thought that we would lose 3-0, 4-0, or 5-0.

Our best chance in the first half was when the Ancharmunnian goalie palmed away a shot from Val Kylx in the 25th minute. Ancharmunn's best chance was when their star striker had a curling effort flashed away by Toby Gapman in the 31st minute. At half-time, our manager, Ian Harvey, was "happy" about the performance, in that we were holding a team who were much, much better than us rankings-wise.

Immediately after the referee blew his whistle to start the second half, we had a great chance to score, with Kylx's slotted shot being palmed away by the Ancharmunnian goalie. Our captain, Gavin Stockwell, then saw a header headed off the line by the Ancharmunnian left-winger. Ancharmunn's star striker then hit the bar with a header, but we were still dominant.

However, right at the end, Ancharmunn scored, when their star striker received a ball from his strike partner, and slotted the ball past Gapman to score. We were upset that we'd conceded so late on, but were proud too, as we had only lost 1-0 late on, when we were expected to lose by a bigger margin
.
Player Rankings:
Toby Gapman 7/10
Toby did well on his return from illness, making many good saves. Was unlucky not to save Ancharmunn's goal.
Callum Potts 5/10
Callum was quite poor today, letting in Ancharmunn's left-winger a lot.
Gavin Stockwell 6/10
Gavin made some good tackles, but was at fault for Ancharmunn's late winner.
Don Adobe 7/10
Good tackling from the youngster today. Was unlucky not to stop Ancharmunn's striker in his tracks before the player set up his strike partner, Ancharmunn's star striker, for the goal.
Norris Rawlinson 6/10
Norris was good today, but let in Ancharmunn's right-winger too much.
Finlay Yalnif 6/10
Most of his crosses were bad, but he did make many good runs at Ancharmunn's left-back.
Jyvx Dagens 7/10
Was good today, as always. Played some really good through balls, and rarely gave the ball away. One of our best players today.
Follin Maxet 7/10
Follin was good today, playing good passes and tracking back to defend.
Yuppë Tárnix 5/10
Yuppë was not good today. He didn't make many runs at the right-back, and most of his crosses were poor.
Val Kylx 7/10
Val, our international top scorer, did well. Had many chances to score, was unlucky not to score, and played some good passes too.
Jarod Vale 6/10
Had some good chances to score, but was caught offside too often.
Substitutes:
Nelson Fernandez 6/10
Did OK, but just like the man he replaced, Norris Rawlinson, Nelson let Ancharmunn's right-winger in a lot.
Dominic Halmez 4/10
After yesterday's poor performance, Dominic did even worse today. He gave the ball away almost every time he received it, and was even at fault for Ancharmunn's goal, giving the ball away to Ancharmunn's star playmaker, who played it to their star striker via their other striker. A shocking performance from the 31 year-old.
Xavier Reivax 5/10
Xavier was poor today after coming on as a 76th-minute sub for Jarod Vale. His touch was poor, he didn't look like scoring, and was caught offside too often. He had only one shot on target, and that was very tame, with the Ancharmunnian keeper having no problems at all in scooping the ball up.
The Manager:
Ian Harvey 6/10
Ian selected the line-up that he almost always chooses any other day today. We're getting a bit bored of him selected the same line-up over and over again.
The Referee: 7/10
Today's ref was good. He made the correct calls most of the time.

The Slembana Times: Other results today

By Dean Hándëll

As well as us losing 1-0 at home Ancharmunn today in World Cup 61 qualifying Group 5, three other games were played in our group today - as always (four matches in every group on every day). Scrap Brain Zone's 100% record ended as they were thrashed 5-0 at home by Queer Poco el Mono Ara, Mesoland beat Deep Fried Pickles 1-0 at home, and Jeru FC, the group favourites, beat Megadia 2-1 away. This means that Jeru FC leapfrog from 3rd to 1st in the group table, pushing both us and Scrap Brain Zone down a place, with SBZ in second, above us in third by virtue of better goal difference. Deep Fried Pickles' loss today means that they remain at the bottom of the Group 5 table, with no wins and just one point from five games.

EDIT: ARE YOU SERIOUS! AN EDIT CONFLICT! EVERY TIME I TRY TO POST, SOMEONE ELSE DELAYS MY POST! GOD'S SAKE!

The Slembana Times: Decent result in friendly

By Peter Whiteman, chief football reporter at the Royal Slembanan Stadium, Bafilo (attendance 129,831)

We were held to a 1-1 draw by Warkus in our first friendly match to be played on home soil ever. We took the lead in the 3rd minute, when Finlay Yalnif's cross deflected off the back of Warkus centre-back Megan Tomos. Val Kylx, our 17 year-old star striker, headed home at the back post to score his 11th goal in 13 internationals. Warkus almost equalized in the 13th minute, when Trystan Llwyd hit the post with a volley. It was almost 2-0 to us in the 39th minute, with a header from Gavin Stockwell being flashed away by the Warkian goalkeeper. Llyr Powell. At half-time, with us leading, our manager, Ian Harvey, told the players to "keep up the good work".

We almost made it 2-0 in the 50th minute, with Kylx hitting the bar with a header. Warkus' captain, Ceri Owens (who wears the #9 shirt despite being a midfielder), almost made it 1-1 in the 64th minute, when his free-kick was fantastically clawed away by our goalkeeper, Toby Gapman. We created lots more chances after that, but it the end, the match ended all square, as Llywd tapped in at the back post late on to make sure Warkus went back home with a draw, and leave us still looking for our first friendly win, in our fourth friendly.

Player rankings:
Toby Gapman 7/10
Toby again performed well, making some really good saves to deny Warkus, until he was finally beaten late on.
Callum Potts 7/10
Kept Warkus' left-winger Morgan Rees in his pocket most of the match.
Gavin Stockwell 7/10
Gavin was good throughout the match, with most of his tackles being spot on.
Don Adobe 7/10
Don made some good tackles until being replaced by James Bareman late on.
Norris Rawlinson 7/10
Norris kept Warkus' right-winger, Cynfael Trevor, in his pocket most of the match, until being replaced with nine minutes to go by Kieran Moha (who is not in the World Cup qualifying squad).
Finlay Yalnif 7/10
Finlay terrorized Warkus' teenage left-back Iwan Rhys-Evans, until he [Finlay] was replaced by Olajide Tamerik. One of Finlay's crosses led to our goal.
Jyvx Dagens 8/10
Every time he plays, Jyvx, who is only seventeen, seems to be one of our best players, and always seems to perform well. Today, Jyvx played some great through balls, as always.
Dominic Halmez 7/10
Dominic's inclusion in the starting line-up amazed everyone, including the player himself, as Follin Maxet, the man who Dominic was chosen over, was our joint top capped player up until today, and Dominic had performed poorly in the our last two matches (both times he came on as a sub). Anyway, Dominic performed well, playing good through balls, and tracking back to defend. A good performance today from the 31 year-old - sharp contrast to yesterday's performance.
Yuppë Tárnix 7/10
Yuppë did well today. His crosses were good, and he gave Warkus right-back Wayne Priddy a hard time. Yuppë was replaced late on by Javo Jexa.
Val Kylx 8/10
Val, our best player (and international top scorer), was again good. He scored our only goal, had many other chances to score, and his passing was good as well.
Jarod Vale 7/10
Jarod had some good chances to score, made some good passes, and was substituted late on (as he always is).
Substitutes:
James Bareman 6/10
James broke his own record of the oldest player ever to have played for us by coming on as a substitute late on. The 37 year-old was decent, making some good tackles. However, he was at fault for Warkus' late equalizer.
Kieran Moha 7/10
Just like the man he replaced, Norris Rawlinson, Kieran stopped right-winger Trevor from getting past him.
Olajide Tamerik 7/10
Olajide, coming on to earn his first international cap, teased left-back Rhys-Evans, and put in some good crosses.
Javo Jexa 7/10
Javo was good today. His crosses were good, and he teased Warkus right-back Priddy.
Dorrin Forrester 6/10
Dorrin did not have much time to prove himself after replacing Jarod Vale late on.
The manager:
Ian Harvey 7/10
Ian selected a slightly different line-up from his usual today, and we did OK.
The referee: 7/10
The referee today had a good game. His decisions were mainly correct.

The Slembana Times: Group results today

By Tom Jaxon

With us not in World Cup 61 qualifying action today, we have four matches from our qualifying group (Group 5) for you today, instead of the usual three. Deep Fried Pickles recorded their first win of the qualifying campaign by beating Scrap Brain Zone 3-0 at home to condemn the Eggmanians to their second successive defeat, Jeru FC, the group favourites, beat the other favourites (Queer Poco el Mono Ara) 2-0 at home, Mesoland recorded a 1-0 away win over Ancharmunn, and The Islands of Qutar's mini revival was stopped by Megadia, who beat them 1-0 away. Because of these results, we have been pushed down from 3rd in our group to 4th, with SBZ above us due to having a better head-to-head record than us. Jeru FC remain top, while DFP, despite winning, remain bottom, despite having better goal differeence than the team above them (Ancharmunn).

The Slembana Times: Tomorrow's opponents rated

By Dean Hándëll, football reporter

After a bye day today, we will play Megadia away from home tomorrow. Here, The Slembana Times will give you everything you need to know about Megadia.

Basic facts about the team
Ranking (pre-qualifying): 79th
Manager: Unknown
Captain: Unknown
Last 5 games: The Islands of Qutar 0-1 Megadia
Megadia 1-2 Jeru FC
Queer Poco el Mono Ara 2-1 Megadia
Scrap Brain Zone 2-1 Megadia
Ancharmunn 0-1 Megadia
Position in table: 6th (out of 9)
Basic facts about the country
Capital city: Megatropolis
Location: Rushmore
Ruler: King Wilfred I
Population (24 September 2011): 365,000,000+
Religion: Christianity
National animal: Blue wolf
Currency: Megadon

Megadia are not doing so well in qualifying so far. Out of the five games they have played, they have won two, and lost the other three. This, coupled with our 100% away record in qualifying, gives us hope, but the fact that Megadia are ranked 79th lets us down a bit. Megadia have not announced their squad, which means we do not know their key players, their coaching staff, or their strip. The toughness ranking for Megadia is Tough.

Out of 100 people who work in the Slembanan sports media, how many think we will win? Well, I'll show you.
Win: 13 (13%)
Draw: 27 (27%)
Lose: 60 (60%)
Well, it looks like most of us are thinking that we'll lose tomorrow. Sorry, but Megadia are really high up in the rankings.

The Slembana Times: Fantastic!

By Peter Whiteman, chief football reporter

The lads have recorded a brilliant win, beating Megadia 2-1 away from home in World Cup 61 qualifying, keeping up our 100% away record in qualifying. It was Megadia, though, who opened the scoring, with their star striker heading home a cross from their left-winger in the 4th minute. We almost equalized in the 9th minute, when Gavin Stockwell, our captain, had a volley pushed over the bar by Megadia's goalkeeper. We equalized in the 35th minute, when Val Kylx curled home a free-kick that hit the crossbar and went in.

At half-time, with the score at 1-1, our manager Ian Harvey, said that the score was "OK", but also said we should "step it up a gear" in the second half. We almost went 2-1 ahead in the 54th minute, only for Stockwell to head against the post. Megadia's star striker then saw a shot palmed away by our keeper Toby Gapman in the 67th minute. After that, both teams were equally as dominant. You could say that we were more dominant.

Right at the end, Gapman saved a shot from Megadia's star striker. He then bowled the ball out to our right-back Callum Potts, who launched a long ball down the pitch to our left-winger Yuppë Tárnix, who crossed the ball into the box, where Jarod Vale was waiting. The 24 year-old then connected with the ball with his head to score, and send our fans wild, as we had just recorded a historic win.

Player Rankings: Gapman 8, Potts 7, Stockwell 7, Adobe 7 (Bareman 7), Rawlinson 7, Yalnif 7 (Tamerik 7), Dagens 8, Maxet 8 (Halmez 7), Tárnix 8, Kylx 8, Vale 8.

The Slembana Times: Other results today

By Dean Hándëll, football reporter

Alongside our 2-1 win over Megadia in World Cup 61 qualifying today, we have three other games to tell you about from our qualifying group (Group 5). Scrap Brain Zone's poor form continued as they were thrashed 6-1 at home by Jeru FC, the group favourites, Ancharmunn thrashed Deep Fried Pickles 6-1 away, and Queer Poco el Mono Ara beat The Islands of Qutar 2-0. These results mean that Jeru FC remain top, with us behind them in second! Booyah! Deep Fried Pickles are still last.

EDIT: This posr is my 250th.

The Slembana Times: Really good result, I guess

By Peter Whiteman, chief football reporter at the Royal Slembanan Stadium, Bafilo (attendance 136,590)

The lads have drawn 2-2 - it might seem like it's only decent, but when you're unranked and you draw against the side who are 26th in the world, that takes some beating. This side were Queer Poco el Mono Ara. They had hosted World Cup 58 with one of the hosts for this World Cup - Andossa Se Mitrin Vega.

We raced into a second minute lead when Finlay Yalnif's cross was headed home by the brilliant Val Kylx, who was scoring his 13th goal in 15 internationals. QPeMA almost equalized in the 13th minute, when their star striker had a tap-in at the back post into an empty net, only to hit the post. However, QPeMa's star striker redeemed himself after his miss, and equalized in the 39th minute (after Jarod Vale had headed wide), when his volley smacked itself past our goalkeeper, Toby Gapman.

After half-time, we almost scored again (49th minute), only for Kylx's stinging shot to hit the QPeMA bar and rebound back into play, where a QPeMA defender cleared it away. Our captain, Gavin Stockwell, then hit the post with a header (61st minute), but three minutes later, QPeMA took the lead, when their left winger banged home a free-kick. The score was now 2-1 to the away side - we were in trouble.

We had many other chances to score after that, but none of them were successfully converted into a goal. However, we finally equalized in the last minute of stoppage time - the 92nd minute of the match. Gapman punted the ball down the field to Yalnif, who crossed the ball into the box, with Vale waiting. Vale nodded home a standing header to send our fans wild, as we had drawn against a really good team.

The Slembana Times: Other results today

By Tom Jaxon, football reporter

Alongside our 2-2 with Queer Poco el Mono Ara, we have three other results from our World Cup 61 qualifying group (Group 5) to tell you about. Scrap Brain Zone ended a three-match losing streak with a 1-1 draw away to Ancharmunn, group favourites Jeru FC kept up their excellent record by winning 2-0 at The Islands of Qutar, and Mesoland caused a shock by winning 1-0 away to Megadia. This means that Jeru FC stay top of the group with 19 points out of a possible 21. We stay second, six points adrift of Jeru FC, and above Mesoland due to having a better head-to-head record than them (we beat them 1-0 on Wednesday). Deep Fried Pickles remain bottom of the table. They can still qualify automatically, though, I believe, but they would have to go on a really good run to qualify.

The Slembana Times: Huge loss, but expected

By Peter Whiteman, chief football reporter

We have lost 5-0 away from home to Jeru FC - our first away loss of our qualifying campaign so far. However, the loss was expected - while we were unranked before qualifying, Jeru FC were 6th! A huge gulf in class.

Jeru FC opened the scoring in the 4th minute, when Amy Brown jinked in between our centre-backs, captain Gavin Stockwell and Don Adobe, and scored, firing the ball past our 'keeper Toby Gapman. Val Kylx almost equalized in the 12th minute, only to see his header palmed away by goalkeeper Rosie Cheeks. We should have scored in the 35th minute, only for Cheeks to fantastically palm away a Jarod Vale shot from close range. It was 2-0 in the 40th minute, when Felicia Day curled home a free-kick that hit the crossbar and went in.

Ian Harvey, like he was a week ago, was furious. I can't tell you what he was saying, because I'd rather not.

Jeru FC substituted Cheeks for Liddle Skank in the goalkeeper position a half-time. Kylx then hit the post with a volley in the 49th minute, before Brown scored her second with a backheel in the 58th minute. Jeru FC were in total control, and we could hardly get a shot in. Nothing could stop Jeru FC, and they scored two more goals - a Reece Bath header and a Brown penalty, completing a miserable day for our lads. To rub salt in the wounds, Adobe was sent off late on for a wild tackle.

Ratings: Gapman 4, Potts 3, Stockwell 2, Adobe 1, Rawlinson 2, Yalnif 2 (Tamerik 4), Dagens 5, Maxet 4 (Halmez 1), Jexa 3, Kylx 4, Vale 2 (Golpix 4).

The Slembana Times: Other results today

By Dean Hándëll, football reporter

Alongside our 5-0 hammering at the hands of Jeru FC, we have three other results for you today. Scrap Brain Zone hammered The Islands of Qutar 4-0 at home, Deep Fried Pickles stunned Megadia by winning 4-1 at home, and Mesoland shocked Queer Poco el Mono Ara 1-0 away. These results mean Jeru FC stay top of the group. As a result of our demolishment, we have sadly slipped down to 4th in the group. Deep Fried Pickles' win has lifted them off the foot of the group table, with TIoQ bottom of the group on 6 points. DFP are now 7th.

The Slembana Times: This is worrying

By Peter Whiteman, chief football reporter at the Royal Slembanan Stadium, Bafilo (attendance 136,413)

A 1-0 loss in a friendly at home to Union Isle is worrying - as you can tell by the title. The loss means that we haven't won a single one of our five international friendlies so far.

We really should have opened the scoring in the 3rd minute, when Yuppë Tárnix played a low ball across the box. Val Kylx was there to tap-in his 14th international goal, but somehow, it went over. Kylx then saw a slotted shot palmed away by UI's keeper in the 23rd minute, before Union Isle's star striker saw his header palmed away by our goalkeeper, Toby Gapman, in the 39th minute. We were dominant, and at half-time, we were wondering why we hadn't scored.

In the second half, we were totally dominant, as many players passed up chances to score. We should have scored about four, five, or six, but in the end, Union Isle won in the most unlikely of ways, as in the 5th minute of stoppage time, one of UI's strikers passed the ball to his strike partner, UI's star striker. The player then dived to the ground to earn a totally undeserved penalty. UI's cheating star striker then scored the penalty - oh, the injustice! We really should have won this one.

At the end of the match, the players were booed off the pitch by the fans. The fans also threw rubbish at the players. They also threw rubbish at the referee (and booed him).

The Slembana Times: Harvey sacked

By Tom Jaxon, football reporter

We have just got some huge news coming in for you. Ian Harvey, the manager of our national football team, has been sacked, under an hour after our 1-0 home loss to Union Isle in a friendly. The 55 year-old was sacked after we had managed to win only one game out of our last six, including our last two games in which we have lost 5-0 (to Jeru FC) and 1-0 to Union Isle today, as already mentioned.

There is no favourite to replace Harvey, with bookmakers either going for Doppy Polver (our manager at the King James Invitational Cup) or George Gray (manager of Chelsea City).

This is a big blow to us, and the new manager has to do well.