The issue
The nation is in mourning after this weekend's Woodblock music festival claimed yet another victim, sparkly-eyed schoolgirl Nancy Bumpkin, following a fatal overdose. Her death is only part of a string of similar incidents, as recreational drug use is reported to have risen to epidemic levels at music festivals in @@name@@.
1- "She had no idea those pills had all that heroin and fentanyl in 'em!" the girl’s boyfriend, Sid, laments. "That lad with the fanny pack told us it was only a bit of ecstasy, maybe a dash of speed. If festival sites had legal pill testing tents, then Nancy would've known about all the hidden nasties and probably thrown the lot in the bin! Face it: teens are going to be poppin' pillies at festivals whether you like it or not, so why not make it as safe as possible? Nancy and all those other poor sods before her would probably still be with us if not for your backwards outlook, you miserable old coot."
Effect: festival-goers are happily spaced out and pretty vacant
2a- Chief of Police, Inspector Raymond Fowler, interjects. "'Hidden nasties' or not, there’s still no such thing as a 'safe' drug. If you want to get dangerous substances out of these events, then let us - the benevolent police force - handle it. Start with police crews, sniffer dogs and ramped up security at all festival entry points - if anyone DARES attempt to bring a single pill past us, then we'll throw the bloody book at them."
Effect: no orifice is off-limits for desperate teenage festival-goers
Must have No Drugs policy
2b- Chief of Police, Inspector Raymond Fowler, interjects. "'Hidden nasties’ or not, there’s still no such thing as a 'safe' drug. What we need to get dangerous substances out of these events is to introduce a nationwide no drugs policy - no-nonsense, no ifs, no buts. Then let us - the benevolent police force - handle it. Start with police crews, sniffer dogs and ramped up security at all festival entry points - if anyone DARES attempt to bring a single pill past us, then we'll throw the bloody book at them."
Effect: no orifice is off-limits for desperate teenage festival-goers
Must not have No Drugs policy
3- Punk frontman and headliner of the festival, Johnny Putrid, belligerently groans. "I don't believe my ears: another nanny-state drug crackdown! You wanna waste time on a whack-a-mole style war on drugs approach, when the real solution is staring at you right in the bleedin' faces! Manufacture the drugs yourselves, make 'em pure - without all those hidden nasties - and distribute safe, recreational amounts of 'em over the counter in pharmacies. Like young Sid said, drugs are an unavoidable part of musical festival culture, so you might as well take full control of the supply yourselves. And isn't that what's most important to you bastards anyway - control?"
Effect: it's always hazy in @@capital@@
4- "You're all missing the bigger picture, you depraved, wretched scoundrels!" bemoans concerned mother @@randomnamefemale@@. "These music festivals are nothing but petri dishes for drugs, alcohol, sex, depravity, and outright anarchy. Just shut them all down and tell these young hooligans it's time to get off the reefer and find a damn job!"
Effect: no one dares disturb the sound of silence