NATION

PASSWORD

[PASSED] Condemn The Kraven Corporation

A carefully preserved record of the most notable World Assembly debates.
User avatar
Milograd
Negotiator
 
Posts: 5894
Founded: Feb 10, 2011
Ex-Nation

[PASSED] Condemn The Kraven Corporation

Postby Milograd » Sat Mar 26, 2011 1:28 pm

Image
Condemn The Kraven Corporation

A resolution to express shock and dismay at a nation or region..

Category: Condemnation | Nominee: The Kraven Corporation | Proposed by: -Carta-


The Security Council,

Asserting that, through the following actions, The Kraven Corporation has acted against the World Assembly's principles of promoting international peace, goodwill, and harmony between nations, and therefore warrants condemnation,

Acknowledging that the Kraven Corporation has an infamous history of wanton destruction of all life, be it through military conquest or through pollution from aggressive industrial practices,

Noting that the High Command of The Kraven Corporation has violated the human rights and civil liberties of billions of innocent people who, whether they opposed The Kraven Corporation or not, were exterminated by the corporation during its unholy approach to the proliferation of resources to fuel its perpeptual war machine,

Recognizing that The Kraven Corporation neglects the human rights, dignity, and security of its people by raiding the homes of its own citizens with forces of The Kraven Military Arm in the search of "Thought Criminals,"

Further recognizing that all who are removed from their homes during raids are sent to death in purpose-built extermination facilites without fair trial,

Shocked by the Kraven Corporation's many acts of genocide and other horrific acts including but not limited to:

  • The continued and widespread usage of slave labour camps, concentration camps, labour camps, internment camps and extermination camps,
  • The abuse of the human rights of women by forcing them to breed for the sole purpose of producing Capitol Police Infantry,
  • The abuse of sovereign nations by invading them, subjugating them, and stealing resources from them,
  • The extermination campaign against Jagada; where approximately four billion people were wiped out by Kraven Capitol Police Battalions,
  • The extermination campaign against Dreathis where one and a half billion people were wiped out by Capitol Police Battalions,
  • The destruction of the Groznyian Coastal City by The Subjugator Class Super-Dreadnaught "The Dark Throne II"; where approximatly seven hundred thousand people were killed during the bombardment,
  • The prolonged carpet bombing of Groznyian Capital City by The Kraven Air Arm,
  • The vicious bombardment of the island of Svarnok by the Kraven Naval Arm,

Concluding that, by directly opposing the World Assembly's principles of promoting international peace, goodwill, and harmony between nations, by committing itself to a doctrine of absolute warfare, by subjugating those who do not comply to its various requests or demands, and by exterminating those who resist, The Kraven Corporation has shown itself deserving of the scorn of the World Assembly and of a WASC condemnation,

Hereby Condemns The Kraven Corporation.


Image
Condemn The Kraven Corporation

A resolution to express shock and dismay at a nation or region.

Category: Condemnation | Nominee: The Kraven Corporation | Proposed by: Milograd



The Security Council,

Asserting that through the following actions, The Kraven Corporation has acted against the World Assembly's principles of promoting international peace, goodwill and harmony between nations, and therefore warrants condemnation.

Acknowledging that the Kraven Corporation has an infamous history of wanton destruction of all life, be it through military conquest or through pollution from aggressive industrial practices.

Noting that the High Command of The Kraven Corporation has successfully ordered the extermination of billions of innocent people, whether they opposed The Kraven Corporation or not, in its unholy approach to the proliferation of resource to fuel its perpeptual war machine, this is a gross violation of both the human and civil freedoms of those innocents who died at the hands of The Kraven Corporation.

Recognizing that The Kraven Corporation neglects the human rights, dignity and security of its people by actively raiding the domociles of citizens by forces of The Kraven Military Arm, in the search for "Thought Criminals". Recognizing also that all those picked up during raids are sent to death in purpose built Extermination facilites without fair trial, another gross violation of Human rights by The Kraven Corporation.

Shocked at the Kraven Corporation's many acts of genocide and other horrific acts including but not limited to:

• The Continued and wide abuse of Human rights, from Slave labour camps, Concentration Camps, Labour Camps, Internment Camps and Extermination Camps.
• The Abuse of the Human Rights of Women for the sole purpose of producing Capitol Police Infantry.
• The Abuse of Sovereign Nations, with the Invasion, Subjugation and Forced Resource removal.
• The Extermination Campaign against Jagada; where approximately four billion people were wiped out by Kraven Capitol Police Battalions.
• The Extermination Campaign against Dreathis where one and a half billion people were wiped out by Capitol Police Battalions.
• The Destruction of the Groznyian Coastal city by The Subjugator Class Super-Dreadnaught "The Dark Throne II"; where approximatly seven hundred thousand people were killed during the bombardment.
• The Prolonged Carpet bombing of Groznyian Capital City by The Kraven Air Arm.
• The vicious bombardment of the island of Svarnok by the Kraven Naval Arm.

Concluding that The Kraven Corporation is deserving of condemnation because it directly opposes the World Assembly's principles of promoting international peace, goodwill and harmony between nations, by committing itself to a doctrine of absolute warfare, subjuation of those who do not comply to the requests or demands of The Kraven Corporation and the extermination of those who resist.



Hereby Condemns The Kraven Corporation.



[ References ]
Last edited by Milograd on Thu Jul 07, 2011 9:04 pm, edited 15 times in total.
Retired

User avatar
Yohannes
Postmaster-General
 
Posts: 12763
Founded: Mar 17, 2010
Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby Yohannes » Thu Mar 31, 2011 12:58 pm

Its supposed to be "perpetual" (i think), not "perpeptual"

Otherwise it's great.
Last edited by Yohannes on Thu Mar 31, 2011 1:00 pm, edited 2 times in total.
The Realm of YohannesDas Yohannesische Reich
Government Archive Act | Reichstag Parliamentary Debates | Tales from Yohannes | I Beg my Realm
Currency Intervention | A Game of Thrones | The Archbishop and His Mission | Homofront Yohannes | My competition
Embassy Exchange | VMK Industry | Bank of Yohannes | Automobil Yohannes | List of Storefronts | NS Hacking | Our posting history | Player information
We love NationStates! Do you? \__(^.^)_//
NS military project: Tank | Armour | Bomber
All In-Character things I’ve written on NationStates are open-source/Creative Commons that you can use :)
2018 had been my most productive (IC) NS year since 2011 — I won’t be as active on NS now due to RL obligations :)

User avatar
Unibot II
Senator
 
Posts: 3852
Founded: Jan 10, 2011
Ex-Nation

Postby Unibot II » Thu Mar 31, 2011 2:18 pm

Noting that the High Command of The Kraven Corporation has successfully ordered the extermination of billions of innocent people, whether they opposed The Kraven Corporation or not, in its unholy approach to the proliferation of resource to fuel its perpeptual war machine.

Recognizing that The Kraven Corporation neglects the human rights, dignity and security of its people by actively raiding the domociles of citizens by forces of The Kraven Military Arm, in the search for "Thought Criminals".

Further Recognizing also that all those picked up during raids are sent to death in purpose built Extermination facilites without fair trial, another gross violation of Human rights by The Kraven Corporation.


I'd go with this...
Vocenae wrote:Unibot, you have won NS.
General Halcones wrote:Look up to Unibot as an example.
Member of Gholgoth | The Capitalis de Societate of The United Defenders League (UDL) | Org. Join Date: 25/05/2008
Unibotian Factbook // An Analysis of NationStates Generations // The Gameplay Alignment Test // NS Weather // How do I join the UDL?
World Assembly Card Gallery // The Unibotian Life Expectancy Index // Proudly Authored 9 GA Res., 14 SC Res. // Commended by SC#78;
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
Duty is Eternal, Justice is Imminent: UDL

User avatar
Milograd
Negotiator
 
Posts: 5894
Founded: Feb 10, 2011
Ex-Nation

Postby Milograd » Thu Mar 31, 2011 2:24 pm

Unibot II wrote:
Noting that the High Command of The Kraven Corporation has successfully ordered the extermination of billions of innocent people, whether they opposed The Kraven Corporation or not, in its unholy approach to the proliferation of resource to fuel its perpeptual war machine.

Recognizing that The Kraven Corporation neglects the human rights, dignity and security of its people by actively raiding the domociles of citizens by forces of The Kraven Military Arm, in the search for "Thought Criminals".

Further Recognizing also that all those picked up during raids are sent to death in purpose built Extermination facilites without fair trial, another gross violation of Human rights by The Kraven Corporation.


I'd go with this...


So its good to leave that as is? :)
Retired

User avatar
Kesheru
Envoy
 
Posts: 277
Founded: Feb 20, 2011
Ex-Nation

Postby Kesheru » Thu Mar 31, 2011 2:27 pm

Supporting Milograd
Grand Holy Empire of Kesheru
__________GHEoK___________
FACTBOOK
viewtopic.php?ns=1&f=23&t=99389&p=4968429#p4968429

Motto
Aut Pax Aut Bellum - Either Peace or War

Battle Cry
"For the Great Sculptor!"

User avatar
Unibot II
Senator
 
Posts: 3852
Founded: Jan 10, 2011
Ex-Nation

Postby Unibot II » Thu Mar 31, 2011 2:49 pm

Milograd wrote:
Unibot II wrote:
I'd go with this...


So its good to leave that as is? :)


Errr... I suggested it because I think you should change it to what I suggested.
Vocenae wrote:Unibot, you have won NS.
General Halcones wrote:Look up to Unibot as an example.
Member of Gholgoth | The Capitalis de Societate of The United Defenders League (UDL) | Org. Join Date: 25/05/2008
Unibotian Factbook // An Analysis of NationStates Generations // The Gameplay Alignment Test // NS Weather // How do I join the UDL?
World Assembly Card Gallery // The Unibotian Life Expectancy Index // Proudly Authored 9 GA Res., 14 SC Res. // Commended by SC#78;
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
Duty is Eternal, Justice is Imminent: UDL

User avatar
Milograd
Negotiator
 
Posts: 5894
Founded: Feb 10, 2011
Ex-Nation

Postby Milograd » Thu Mar 31, 2011 2:50 pm

Unibot II wrote:
Milograd wrote:
So its good to leave that as is? :)


Errr... I suggested it because I think you should change it to what I suggested.


Oh...I just realized it was edited. I saw it in a quote so I thought you had quoted my post. :P
Retired

User avatar
Absolem The Omniscient
Lobbyist
 
Posts: 13
Founded: Mar 06, 2011
Capitalist Paradise

Postby Absolem The Omniscient » Thu Mar 31, 2011 2:55 pm

Against, as I've never heard of this nation. I tend to watch more then, make my voice heard, and although these crimes are indeed horrendous the chances of this passing are low due to the unpopularity of the person that would be up to vote.

User avatar
Naivetry
Ambassador
 
Posts: 1277
Founded: Aug 02, 2006
Left-wing Utopia

Postby Naivetry » Thu Mar 31, 2011 3:11 pm

Had a question before I get sucked into reading all of those links - are the things you specifically mention (in the text of the proposal) all things which Kraven has done on these forums, as opposed to Jolt?

User avatar
The Kraven Corporation
Chargé d'Affaires
 
Posts: 482
Founded: Apr 24, 2005
Psychotic Dictatorship

Postby The Kraven Corporation » Fri Apr 01, 2011 10:58 am

OOC: A lot of The Kraven Reich's more brutal and notorious acts were done on Jolt, I'm not sure if they are accessible, but the written works on these forums are pale in comparison (i'm just starting to get into the flow of things again, trust me, speaking completely OOC here, I'm getting back into my old form and you can expect a lot more from me in the future)

Kraven.
"If you want a vision of the future, Winston, imagine a boot stamping on a human face forever." - 1984
Scand: No one beats you Kraven for largest number killed a day.
Scand: Your nation is a glorified death camp after all.
Tiurabo: WTF Kraven.
Tiurabo: You are the last person who can tell me to be calm.
Tiurabo: You're a goddam psycho.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wT0uR5wB76M The Updated National Anthem of Imperial Fortress Reich
Resistance is Futile... We Are The Kraven Reich

User avatar
Rethan
Minister
 
Posts: 2138
Founded: Aug 09, 2006
Corporate Police State

Postby Rethan » Fri Apr 01, 2011 11:56 am

Absolem The Omniscient wrote:Against, as I've never heard of this nation. I tend to watch more then, make my voice heard, and although these crimes are indeed horrendous the chances of this passing are low due to the unpopularity of the person that would be up to vote.

Kraven has been inactive for the large part of time since NS moved over from Jolt. Anybody who's been here more than a year or so would know what he's done in the past, not to mention he's done more on the new forums than others whom have received condemnations.
As Was Devoured Shall Devour | As Was Buried Shall Bury

User avatar
UMR Milograd
Secretary
 
Posts: 35
Founded: Feb 13, 2011
Ex-Nation

Postby UMR Milograd » Thu Apr 07, 2011 8:58 am

Rethan wrote:
Absolem The Omniscient wrote:Against, as I've never heard of this nation. I tend to watch more then, make my voice heard, and although these crimes are indeed horrendous the chances of this passing are low due to the unpopularity of the person that would be up to vote.

Kraven has been inactive for the large part of time since NS moved over from Jolt. Anybody who's been here more than a year or so would know what he's done in the past, not to mention he's done more on the new forums than others whom have received condemnations.

This.

This proposal needs a lot of work; so I really appreciate all the help I can get on it. So please feel free to give me advice on how I can improve this. (To everybody)

User avatar
Grigori Y Rasputin
Lobbyist
 
Posts: 12
Founded: Feb 27, 2011
Ex-Nation

Postby Grigori Y Rasputin » Wed Apr 13, 2011 6:39 am

This is the only condemnation on the front page of the Security Council that I will willingly, and openly support. My WA nation will vote yes should this reach quorum which I have no doubt it will.

User avatar
St George of England
Powerbroker
 
Posts: 8922
Founded: Aug 25, 2010
Ex-Nation

Postby St George of England » Tue Apr 19, 2011 8:28 am

Grigori Y Rasputin wrote:This is the only condemnation on the front page of the Security Council that I will willingly, and openly support. My WA nation will vote yes should this reach quorum which I have no doubt it will.

Seconded. The Angline-Guanxine Empire condemns these acts, if only for the fact that they don't go far enough.
The Angline-Guanxine Empire
Current Monarch: His Heavenly Guanxine The Ky Morris
Population: As NS Page
Current RP: Closure of the Paulianus Passage
The United Coven of the Otherworlds
Current Leader: Covenwoman Paige Thomas
Population: 312,000,000
Military Size: 4,000,000
New to NS? TG me if you have questions.

User avatar
Oliver the Mediocre
Diplomat
 
Posts: 581
Founded: Aug 26, 2009
Ex-Nation

Postby Oliver the Mediocre » Tue Apr 19, 2011 8:33 am

As I haven't been active on the NS forums for more than the last year, I have some issues with voting to condemn someone I've never heard of whose most heinous (supposedly) crimes cannot be confirmed except through the group saying "Yeah, he totally did that." I'm not saying I won't support this, just somewhat uncomfortable with it as it stands. I'll take a closer and more in-depth look later on. Maybe, though, as a general idea, if we could restrict the text of the proposal to stuff we have references for?
Oliver Marlowe
Quote Love
"We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started, and know the place for the first time."

User avatar
The Kraven Corporation
Chargé d'Affaires
 
Posts: 482
Founded: Apr 24, 2005
Psychotic Dictatorship

Postby The Kraven Corporation » Tue Apr 19, 2011 9:20 am

Oliver the Mediocre wrote:As I haven't been active on the NS forums for more than the last year, I have some issues with voting to condemn someone I've never heard of whose most heinous (supposedly) crimes cannot be confirmed except through the group saying "Yeah, he totally did that." I'm not saying I won't support this, just somewhat uncomfortable with it as it stands. I'll take a closer and more in-depth look later on. Maybe, though, as a general idea, if we could restrict the text of the proposal to stuff we have references for?



viewtopic.php?f=5&t=106338

OOC: Here's my current main RP, My other with Ralkovia hasn't gotten properly off the ground yet. I wish I could get you the old RP's, a lot of the stuff was my best work, I miss re-reading a lot of my old stuff, but hey, you roll with it...
"If you want a vision of the future, Winston, imagine a boot stamping on a human face forever." - 1984
Scand: No one beats you Kraven for largest number killed a day.
Scand: Your nation is a glorified death camp after all.
Tiurabo: WTF Kraven.
Tiurabo: You are the last person who can tell me to be calm.
Tiurabo: You're a goddam psycho.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wT0uR5wB76M The Updated National Anthem of Imperial Fortress Reich
Resistance is Futile... We Are The Kraven Reich

User avatar
-Deus-
Minister
 
Posts: 2090
Founded: Feb 02, 2011
Ex-Nation

Postby -Deus- » Tue Apr 19, 2011 9:24 am

Kraven...Kraven...Heh, I support this condemnation, these "heinous" acts are something that should be put to an end.

User avatar
Bears Armed
GA Secretariat
 
Posts: 18117
Founded: Jun 01, 2006
Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby Bears Armed » Tue Apr 19, 2011 10:07 am

-Deus- wrote:Kraven...Kraven...Heh, I support this condemnation, these "heinous" acts are something that should be put to an end.

Not that a condemnation would actually do anything to end those acts, of course...
The Confederated Clans of the Free Bears of Bears Armed
(includes The Ursine NorthLands) Demonym = Bear[s]; adjective = ‘Urrsish’.
Our population is approximately 20 million. We do have a national government, although its role is strictly limited. Economy = thriving. Those aren't "biker gangs", they're our traditional cross-Clan 'Warrior Societies'... and are generally respected, not feared.
Author of some GA Resolutions, via Bears Armed Mission; subject of an SC resolution.
Factbook. We have more than 70 MAPS. Visitors' Guide.
The IDU's WA Drafting Room is open to help you.
Author of issues #429, 712, 729, 934, 1120, 1152.

User avatar
-Deus-
Minister
 
Posts: 2090
Founded: Feb 02, 2011
Ex-Nation

Postby -Deus- » Tue Apr 19, 2011 10:08 am

Bears Armed wrote:
-Deus- wrote:Kraven...Kraven...Heh, I support this condemnation, these "heinous" acts are something that should be put to an end.

Not that a condemnation would actually do anything to end those acts, of course...

Of course not.

User avatar
A mean old man
Senator
 
Posts: 4306
Founded: Jun 27, 2008
Iron Fist Consumerists

Postby A mean old man » Wed Apr 20, 2011 9:24 am

Your work looks promising. I'm going to do my usual sweep of it.

I'm going to make a lot of edits to your work that you may either choose to completely adopt, selectively adopt, or ignore altogether. I highly recommend adopting the grammatical ones even if you choose not to adopt any others.

One thing that I would change is all of the periods. There's no "correct" way to lay out a WA proposal, but some ways are more correct than others in that they follow the way that the real-life UN actually writes them. I also figured out that placing commas at the end of each clause makes perfect grammatical sense, as it essentially turns the whole proposal into a very long sentence rather than a huge mess of fragments.

Some people use semicolons instead of commas. This doesn't make sense grammatically, but it has been done so often that I suppose it doesn't matter whether you choose to use them or not.

Milograd wrote:
Condemn The Kraven Corporation

A resolution to express shock and dismay at a nation or region..

Category: Condemnation | Nominee: The Kraven Corporation | Proposed by: Milograd



The Security Council,

Asserting that, through the following actions, The Kraven Corporation has acted against the World Assembly's principles of promoting international peace, goodwill, and harmony between nations, and therefore warrants condemnation,


I've added two commas early on in this clause which are grammatically necessary. Otherwise it looks okay. Of course, there are various words and phrases that I'd like to change simply because I'd like to see the sentence work a certain way, but I'm trying not to let myself butcher peoples' clauses too much if it isn't completely necessary.

Acknowledging that the Kraven Corporation has an infamous history of wanton destruction of all life, be it through military conquest or through pollution from aggressive industrial practices,


[no edit]

Noting that the High Command of The Kraven Corporation has violated the human rights and civil liberties of billions of innocent people who, whether they opposed The Kraven Corporation or not, were exterminated by the corporation during its unholy approach to the proliferation of resources to fuel its perpeptual war machine,


The way that this was originally structured was very awkward and needed a facelift.

Recognizing that The Kraven Corporation neglects the human rights, dignity, and security of its people by raiding the homes of its own citizens with forces of The Kraven Military Arm in the search of "Thought Criminals,"

Further recognizing that all who are removed from their homes during raids are sent to death in purpose-built extermination facilites without fair trial,


I split this into two clauses. You can't keep it as one without it being a long, wordy mess.

I added a comma where one was needed.

I didn't see the purpose of "actively" before raiding and removed it.

It's "domiciles," not "domociles." I also just changed it to "homes." You can use the word domiciles if you want, but it sounds hilariously pretentious and actually made me laugh when I first saw it. I doubt it would receive the same reaction from others who are less proficient with the English vocabulary, however. They'd most likely be confused by it.

I also removed the bit at the end, as it sounded redundant. I think people can figure out on their own that this is a pretty big violation of human rights.
;)

Shocked by the Kraven Corporation's many acts of genocide and other horrific acts including but not limited to:

• The continued and widespread usage of slave labour camps, concentration camps, labour camps, internment camps and extermination camps,


I changed a lot of strangely placed capital letters. I'm going to be doing that a lot with these bulleted parts.

• The abuse of the human rights of women by forcing them to breed for the sole purpose of producing Capitol Police Infantry,
• The abuse of sovereign nations by invading them, subjugating them, and stealing resources from them,


It's too much of a pain in the ass to highlight every single capitalization edit I make, so I'm not highlighting any from now on.

• The extermination campaign against Jagada; where approximately four billion people were wiped out by Kraven Capitol Police Battalions,
• The extermination campaign against Dreathis where one and a half billion people were wiped out by Capitol Police Battalions,
• The destruction of the Groznyian Coastal City by The Subjugator Class Super-Dreadnaught "The Dark Throne II"; where approximatly seven hundred thousand people were killed during the bombardment,
• The prolonged carpet bombing of Groznyian Capital City by The Kraven Air Arm,
• The vicious bombardment of the island of Svarnok by the Kraven Naval Arm,

Concluding that, by directly opposing the World Assembly's principles of promoting international peace, goodwill, and harmony between nations, by committing itself to a doctrine of absolute warfare, by subjugating those who do not comply to its various requests or demands, and by exterminating those who resist, The Kraven Corporation has shown itself deserving of the scorn of the World Assembly and of a WASC condemnation,


I restructured this entire clause to make it flow better.

Hereby Condemns The Kraven Corporation.


...and that's it. This is a good piece of writing and I believe it has a very good chance of passing if it attains quorum.
Last edited by A mean old man on Wed Apr 20, 2011 9:31 am, edited 4 times in total.
A: SC#16 - Repeal "Liberate The Security Council"
A: SC#26 - Commend The Joint Systems Alliance
A: SC#30 - Commend 10000 Islands
A: SC#37 - Condemn NAZI EUROPE
A: SC#38 - Repeal "Condemn NAZI EUROPE"
A: GA#149 - On Expiration Dates
C: SC#58 - Repeal "Commend Sedgistan"
A: SC#62 - Repeal "Condemn Swarmlandia"
C: SC#63 - Commend Ballotonia
A: SC#65 - Condemn Punk Reloaded
C: GA#163 - Repeal "Law of the Sea"
A: SC#72 - Repeal "Commend Mikeswill"
C: SC#74 - Condemn Lone Wolves United
C: SC#76 - Repeal "Condemn Thatcherton"
A: SC#81 - Repeal "Condemn Anthony Delasanta"
C: SC#83 - Condemn Automagfreek
C: SC#84 - Repeal "Liberate Islam"
C: SC#111 - Commend Krulltopia

User avatar
Dystopianus
Diplomat
 
Posts: 870
Founded: May 01, 2010
Ex-Nation

Postby Dystopianus » Wed Apr 20, 2011 10:01 am

:blink: Wow... That guy is bad. I mean, he's worse then Blackhelm Confederacy and Kalasparata together. I'm all for this proposal, definatly. Nicely done.
Noting that the High Command of The Kraven Corporation has successfully ordered the extermination of billions of innocent people, whether they opposed The Kraven Corporation or not, in its unholy approach to the proliferation of resource to fuel its perpeptual war machine, this is a gross violation of both the human and civil freedoms of those innocents who died at the hands of The Kraven Corporation.
I'd say remove "unholy" from this clause. Many WA'ers are determined atheists.
Last edited by Dystopianus on Wed Apr 20, 2011 10:08 am, edited 5 times in total.
Factbook: check it out before writing any comments about me, this is valueble information that might make you think differently about me. viewtopic.php?f=23&t=89623
OMGeverynameistaken wrote:Have you ever been in a battle where trained war kittens were unleashed on the field? Have you heard the screams of the dying as their faces were chewed off by adorable, yet deadly, swarms of kittens? No. No. You have no idea of the terror which a trained kitten squad can inflict, the horror and madness as the wall of fluffy death closes on you. I have been, I have seen. The art of the Kittenmeister is a truly terrible thing to behold

User avatar
Milograd
Negotiator
 
Posts: 5894
Founded: Feb 10, 2011
Ex-Nation

Postby Milograd » Fri Apr 22, 2011 12:36 pm

A mean old man wrote:Your work looks promising. I'm going to do my usual sweep of it.

I'm going to make a lot of edits to your work that you may either choose to completely adopt, selectively adopt, or ignore altogether. I highly recommend adopting the grammatical ones even if you choose not to adopt any others.

One thing that I would change is all of the periods. There's no "correct" way to lay out a WA proposal, but some ways are more correct than others in that they follow the way that the real-life UN actually writes them. I also figured out that placing commas at the end of each clause makes perfect grammatical sense, as it essentially turns the whole proposal into a very long sentence rather than a huge mess of fragments.

Some people use semicolons instead of commas. This doesn't make sense grammatically, but it has been done so often that I suppose it doesn't matter whether you choose to use them or not.

Milograd wrote:
Condemn The Kraven Corporation

A resolution to express shock and dismay at a nation or region..

Category: Condemnation | Nominee: The Kraven Corporation | Proposed by: Milograd



The Security Council,

Asserting that, through the following actions, The Kraven Corporation has acted against the World Assembly's principles of promoting international peace, goodwill, and harmony between nations, and therefore warrants condemnation,


I've added two commas early on in this clause which are grammatically necessary. Otherwise it looks okay. Of course, there are various words and phrases that I'd like to change simply because I'd like to see the sentence work a certain way, but I'm trying not to let myself butcher peoples' clauses too much if it isn't completely necessary.

Acknowledging that the Kraven Corporation has an infamous history of wanton destruction of all life, be it through military conquest or through pollution from aggressive industrial practices,


[no edit]

Noting that the High Command of The Kraven Corporation has violated the human rights and civil liberties of billions of innocent people who, whether they opposed The Kraven Corporation or not, were exterminated by the corporation during its unholy approach to the proliferation of resources to fuel its perpeptual war machine,


The way that this was originally structured was very awkward and needed a facelift.

Recognizing that The Kraven Corporation neglects the human rights, dignity, and security of its people by raiding the homes of its own citizens with forces of The Kraven Military Arm in the search of "Thought Criminals,"

Further recognizing that all who are removed from their homes during raids are sent to death in purpose-built extermination facilites without fair trial,


I split this into two clauses. You can't keep it as one without it being a long, wordy mess.

I added a comma where one was needed.

I didn't see the purpose of "actively" before raiding and removed it.

It's "domiciles," not "domociles." I also just changed it to "homes." You can use the word domiciles if you want, but it sounds hilariously pretentious and actually made me laugh when I first saw it. I doubt it would receive the same reaction from others who are less proficient with the English vocabulary, however. They'd most likely be confused by it.

I also removed the bit at the end, as it sounded redundant. I think people can figure out on their own that this is a pretty big violation of human rights.
;)

Shocked by the Kraven Corporation's many acts of genocide and other horrific acts including but not limited to:

• The continued and widespread usage of slave labour camps, concentration camps, labour camps, internment camps and extermination camps,


I changed a lot of strangely placed capital letters. I'm going to be doing that a lot with these bulleted parts.

• The abuse of the human rights of women by forcing them to breed for the sole purpose of producing Capitol Police Infantry,
• The abuse of sovereign nations by invading them, subjugating them, and stealing resources from them,


It's too much of a pain in the ass to highlight every single capitalization edit I make, so I'm not highlighting any from now on.

• The extermination campaign against Jagada; where approximately four billion people were wiped out by Kraven Capitol Police Battalions,
• The extermination campaign against Dreathis where one and a half billion people were wiped out by Capitol Police Battalions,
• The destruction of the Groznyian Coastal City by The Subjugator Class Super-Dreadnaught "The Dark Throne II"; where approximatly seven hundred thousand people were killed during the bombardment,
• The prolonged carpet bombing of Groznyian Capital City by The Kraven Air Arm,
• The vicious bombardment of the island of Svarnok by the Kraven Naval Arm,

Concluding that, by directly opposing the World Assembly's principles of promoting international peace, goodwill, and harmony between nations, by committing itself to a doctrine of absolute warfare, by subjugating those who do not comply to its various requests or demands, and by exterminating those who resist, The Kraven Corporation has shown itself deserving of the scorn of the World Assembly and of a WASC condemnation,


I restructured this entire clause to make it flow better.

Hereby Condemns The Kraven Corporation.


...and that's it. This is a good piece of writing and I believe it has a very good chance of passing if it attains quorum.

Hmm...I appreciate the help. I'll be sure to edit the OP soon, I'm just busy at this moment. Really though, thank you.
Last edited by Milograd on Fri Apr 22, 2011 3:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Retired

User avatar
Sedgistan
Retired Moderator
 
Posts: 27332
Founded: Oct 20, 2006
Ex-Nation

Postby Sedgistan » Fri Apr 22, 2011 3:51 pm

Couldn't you spoiler some of that massive quote? Would help to make the thread more readable.

User avatar
Milograd
Negotiator
 
Posts: 5894
Founded: Feb 10, 2011
Ex-Nation

Postby Milograd » Thu Jun 30, 2011 3:29 pm

Lol, I'm a lazy one. >_>

Thanks for the advice/edits AMOM, much appreciated. :D


Image
Condemn The Kraven Corporation

A resolution to express shock and dismay at a nation or region..

Category: Condemnation | Nominee: The Kraven Corporation | Proposed by: -Carta-


The Security Council,

Asserting that, through the following actions, The Kraven Corporation has acted against the World Assembly's principles of promoting international peace, goodwill, and harmony between nations, and therefore warrants condemnation,

Acknowledging that the Kraven Corporation has an infamous history of wanton destruction of all life, be it through military conquest or through pollution from aggressive industrial practices,

Noting that the High Command of The Kraven Corporation has violated the human rights and civil liberties of billions of innocent people who, whether they opposed The Kraven Corporation or not, were exterminated by the corporation during its unholy approach to the proliferation of resources to fuel its perpeptual war machine,

Recognizing that The Kraven Corporation neglects the human rights, dignity, and security of its people by raiding the homes of its own citizens with forces of The Kraven Military Arm in the search of "Thought Criminals,"

Further recognizing that all who are removed from their homes during raids are sent to death in purpose-built extermination facilites without fair trial,

Shocked by the Kraven Corporation's many acts of genocide and other horrific acts including but not limited to:

  • The continued and widespread usage of slave labour camps, concentration camps, labour camps, internment camps and extermination camps,
  • The abuse of the human rights of women by forcing them to breed for the sole purpose of producing Capitol Police Infantry,
  • The abuse of sovereign nations by invading them, subjugating them, and stealing resources from them,
  • The extermination campaign against Jagada; where approximately four billion people were wiped out by Kraven Capitol Police Battalions,
  • The extermination campaign against Dreathis where one and a half billion people were wiped out by Capitol Police Battalions,
  • The destruction of the Groznyian Coastal City by The Subjugator Class Super-Dreadnaught "The Dark Throne II"; where approximatly seven hundred thousand people were killed during the bombardment,
  • The prolonged carpet bombing of Groznyian Capital City by The Kraven Air Arm,
  • The vicious bombardment of the island of Svarnok by the Kraven Naval Arm,

Concluding that, by directly opposing the World Assembly's principles of promoting international peace, goodwill, and harmony between nations, by committing itself to a doctrine of absolute warfare, by subjugating those who do not comply to its various requests or demands, and by exterminating those who resist, The Kraven Corporation has shown itself deserving of the scorn of the World Assembly and of a WASC condemnation,

Hereby Condemns The Kraven Corporation.




This better work this time. >_>
Last edited by Milograd on Thu Jun 30, 2011 3:43 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Retired

User avatar
Tim-Opolis
Negotiator
 
Posts: 5932
Founded: Feb 17, 2010
Iron Fist Consumerists

Postby Tim-Opolis » Thu Jun 30, 2011 4:06 pm

Very well written proposal. Congratz on that

Against because I don't think the SC is useful
Author of SC#74, SC #203, SC #222, and SC #238 | Co-Author of SC#191
Founder of Spiritus | Three-Time Delegate of Osiris | Pharaoh of the Islamic Republics of Iran
[11:16:10] <@Koth> tim is a loose cannon cop on the edge who doesn't play by the rules

Next

Advertisement

Remove ads

Return to WA Archives

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users

Advertisement

Remove ads