Encyclopedia Fatatatutica (Closed)

[Fatatatutti]

Cannibalism

Fatatatutians have a great respect for all living things, so a strict eat-what-you-kill policy has been ingrained into the culture for centuries. Probably the greatest taboo in Fatatatutian society is killing for any other reason than food.

Logically, the same principle is applied to killing of humans, which helps to explain the Fatatatutians' aversion to war and violence in general. It is said that there is a law on the books that expressly permits eating enemies killed in battle, but it is unclear where the law is written down, since Fatatatutti has few written laws.

The only officially-documented case of cannibalism is that of the last (and only) King who was eaten by disgruntled subjects after a short rebellion. (see History)

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Immigration

Fatatatutti has a virtually unrestricted open-door immigration policy, which is not contested by any significant political party. There are thriving immigrant and/or refugee communities from almost every nation in the world, often known locally by such names as 'Little Noordeinde' or 'Pataari Town'. Because of Fatatatutians' love of food, ethnic restaurants and grocery stores are a prominent part of many immigrant communities.

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Sports

In Fatatatutti, the emphasis is on participation rather than on spectator sports. People enjoy watching their children or friends play, but there is little appeal in watching strangers play.

Surfing

Surfing is Fatatatutti's unofficial national sport. Millions of Fatatatutians list their occupation for tax purposes as 'professional surfer' and some of them actually make a living of sorts through lessons, board rentals, etc. Surfing competitions are popular, but the emphasis is on getting the most out of the waves instead of competing with other surfers.

A Note on Swimming

Although the Fatatatutian people have a strong seafaring tradition, including incredible voyages across thousands of kilometers of ocean in small open boats, it is very rare to find a Fatatatutian who can swim. It is unknown whether it is a genetic condtion, since most Fatatatutians are related, or whether it is cultural.

Despite their inability to swim, most Fatatatutians have absolutely no fear of the water and they love canoeing, sailing, fishing, etc.

Fatatatutti Games

The Fatatatutti Games began centuries ago when different tribes from around the island would get together every year for a festival of traditional sports - outrigger canoe racing, feats of strength, foot racing, etc. That tradition has evolved into the modern games, which feature track and field, kung fu, etc. in which thousands of athletes compete.

Soccer

Soccer is the most popular sport among children. Every school has a soccer field and games often feature twenty or more children per team on the field at the same time, so that everybody gets a chance to play. (See also Focker.)

The Flying Fembots are a popular soccer team made up entirely of female members of the armed forces. They play in grass skirts (and often little else) at charity events.

Hockey

Although Fatatatutti has no natural ice because if its climate, there is a growing interest in the sport of ice hockey. A national team is being developed, the all-female Valkyries, who come from a background of in-line skating and extreme sports. Fatatatutti's first (and only) indoor arena, seating 20,000 has been built through the sponsorship of the nation of Tutlingburg and a children's program is being started with equipment imported from Falkasia.

[Fatatatutti]

Anthems

Fatatatutti's traditional anthem is called Fatatatuti Oe, or informally, the Fatatatutian War Chant. Recently, the Internationale has been approved by Parliament as a second national anthem.

Some Army units also have their own unofficial 'anthems'. For example, many parachute regiments have taken Red Shines the Sun as their marching song and members of the Fatatatutti Foreign Legion are fond of a song they call The Sausage (after the shape of their bedrolls). Gen. Castro-Stalina has adopted Roddy McCorley as her personal anthem and she has it played at parades, etc.

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F-DR Fighter

The F-DR (dual-role) fighter is a joint development of the Takeapenny Arsenal, Donald McDouglas Aircraft and the Aerospace Department of the Fatatatutti Insitute of Technology (FIT). It's roles are to intercept attacking aircraft (combat air patrol) and to provide high-altitude and low-altitude reconnaisance.

Specifications

• Dimensions: Length 17.07m, Wingspan 12.31m, Height 4.66m
• Weight: 10,455kg empty, 16,850kg loaded, 23,400kg max
• Powerplant: 2× 71.2 kN turbofans
• Speed: Mach 1.8 (1,814km/h) @ 11,000m
• Combat radius: 537km
• Ferry range: 3330km
• Ceiling: 15,000m
• Rate of climb: 254m/s
• Crew: 1 or 2
• Armament: nine weapon/store stations for AAM, AGM, rockets, bombs, fuel tanks, etc., 1x 20mm gatling gun

The reconnaisance variant is affectionately called 'Ceiling Cat' by its crews.

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Motto

Fatatatutti's motto, Fatatatuti Oe (pronounced Fa-tata-TOO-tee o-AY), has no meaning - or rather, its meaning has been forgotten, along with most of the native Fatatatutian language. The literal translation seems to be "Fatatatuti, You", but what that signifies is unclear.

The English version of the motto, "Wanna buy some coconuts?" is a running joke based on a misunderstanding. When the first Western visitors arrived in Fatatatutti in the 1700s, swarms of Fatatatutians paddled out to the ships in outrigger canoes with the greeting, Fatatatuti Oe. Apparently, the visitors thought it meant, "Wanna buy some coconuts?", so they bought all that they were offered. The Fatatatutians were fascinated by the shiny objects offered in exchange, since they made nice ornaments. Today, the original coins, pierced for necklaces, etc, are still highly prized.

In context, it seems more likely that Fatatatuti Oe meant something like "Welcome to Fatatatutti." For that reason, visitors today are usually greeted at the airport or the dock with a lei, a kiss on the cheek and "Fatatatuti Oe"

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Names

Places

(Note: The official English spelling, 'Fatatatutti', is a corruption of the native Fatatatutian spelling, 'Fatatatuti'.)

The island of Fatatatutti is called 'Fata' in the north and 'Tuti' in the south, leading some to suggest that 'Fatatatuti' means 'north and south'. However, there is no linguistic evidence for that hypothesis.

Others claim that, since 'fatata' means 'near' in the native Fatatatutian language, then 'Fatatatuti' must mean 'near Tuti'. However, the meaning of 'tuti' remains unclear, so that hypothesis is equally unsubstantiated.

When people in the north say they are going 'to Fata', they usually mean that they are going to the capital city, Fatatatutti. But when people in the south say they're going 'to Fata', it's the equivalent of going 'up north' - i.e. to any place in the northern part of the island.

There is no equivalent expression for going 'to Tuti'. One would simply say they are going 'down south'.

To make it even more complicated, when Fatatatutians abroad say that they are going 'to Fata', it's the equivalent of saying that they are going 'home'. They simply mean that they are going back to the island and no specific part of the island is specified.

Most places in Fatatatutti don't have official names. The capital is called 'Fatatatutti' only because foreigners expect a capital to have a name. It is sometimes called 'Fat City' but never 'Fatatatutti City'.

Other cities are usually just called 'town'. Going 'to town' means going to the nearest town or city.

A few places have descriptions, such as the Skeleton Coast or the Northernmost Point on the Island of Fatatatutti, but they are not thought of as names.

Pronunciation

Most agree that the proper pronunciation of 'Fatatatutti' is 'Fa' as in 'far', 'tata' as in 'tatas', 'tu' as in 'too' and 'ti' as in 'tee', with the emphasis on 'tu'- 'Fa-tata-TOO-tee', or sometimes 'Fata-ta-TOO-tee'.

The demonym is more controversial. The most common pronunciation is probably 'Fata-ta-TOO-shin' but some insist that 'Fata-ta-TOO-chin' or even 'Fata-ta-TOOT-yin' is more faithful to the native Fatatatutian language.

People

Many surnames are hyphenated, denoting the amalgamation of two families far beyond a simple union by marriage. Some of these hyphenations can last for generations - e.g. Castro-Stalina.

Some native-Fatatatutian-sounding names are actually made-up versions of English names - e.g. 'Kalikimaka' is the equivalent of the English 'Christmas'. It is a common surname and also a popular given name.

Given names tend not to be planned ahead by parents but reflect the circumstances of the birth. As Bruddah Kamehameha explains, "We called our first son 'Chance' because we took a chance and we got him. We called our youngest son 'Banquo' because he was born on the way home from a Shakespeare-on-the-beach performance of Macbeth." His other children were named in accordance with the Irish, Jewish and Chinese holidays that they were born on.

Things

Some idiomatic expressions reflect the traditional culture. For example, a fiberglass boat might be called a "fine canoe" and any food might be called "good pig".

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Clothing

Typical everyday, year-round clothing for males and females of all ages is t-shirts and shorts. bright colours are favoured, especially by women and children. T-shirts often have advertising slogans such as 'Coconut Cola - You can Really Taste the Coconut' or other screen-printed designs.

More formal business attire consists of khaki shorts and coloured shirts for men. Business women tend to wear shorts and t-shirts but in plain, if bright, colours.

Flowered shirts are for festive occasions. A light-coloured shirt with bright flowers - say red flowers on a white shirt - is for casual wear, like to a luau. Dark-coloured shirts with lighter flowers - say white flowers on a dark blue shirt - are for more formal occasions like the opening of Parliament.

The traditional native Fatatatutian costume, the grass skirt, is worn by hula dancers, with or without coconut shells. The novelty soccer team, the Flying Fembots, usually plays in grass skirts and little or nothing else.

All beaches are clothing-optional and, in fact, there are no public nudity laws at all in Fatatatutti.

Most people go barefoot or wear sandals. The only people who wear shoes are soldiers, construction workers, etc. who need them for safety reasons.

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Elections

Fatatatutti has more than six hundred electoral districts, or 'constituencies', each electing one member to Parliament. Thus, each Member of Parliament represents more than ten million Fatatatutians.

Since there are very many parties, there are seldom fewer than three or four candidates in each district and often a dozen or more. Voters chose one candidate and one with the largest number of votes wins.

When an election is called, usually about thirty days in the future, any interested candidates have approximately fifteen days to register with the Electoral Officer in his or her district. Parties usually have an 'official' candidate chosen beforehand in anticipation of the election.

There are almost no restrictions on voting, except that the person is supposed to be a resident of the district for thirty days before election day. (This rule is not strictly enforced.) As a rule, anybody who wants to vote can vote. If they are not on the official Voters List, they can register at the polling place on election day.

A person who is going to be out of the district on election day for any reason may vote at the Electoral Officer's office at any time before election day. Advance votes go into a ballot box which is counted along with all of the others on Election Day.

Elections can take place on any day of the week, but it's difficult to get people to make voting a priority on weekends, so most elections are scheduled on weekdays - i.e between Tuesday and Thursday. Similarly, it is difficult to get people to vote after supper - which often lasts past bedtime - so polls usually close at 6 PM.

Most polling places are in schools because they're within walking distance for most people.

Voters mark an 'X' beside the name of the candidate of their choice, fold the ballot and place it in the ballot box. When the poll closes, an assistant Electoral Officer at each polling station counts the votes by hand. Each candidate is allowed to have a representative present to ensure a fair count.

Projections are uncommon. Most of the votes are counted by the day after the election and there is usually a preliminary announcement of results by district and by party. The major question of who will form a government is decided in the first few days after Parliament opens with the newly elected members (usually a few weeks after the election).

Votes that are questioned by any of the candidates' representatives are set aside. If the questioned votes are capable of causing an upset - say the second candidate lost by thirty votes and there were forty questionable votes - then they are examined one-by-one by a senior Electoral Officer who makes a ruling on each ballot. The principle is to determine which candidate the voter intended to select. In rare instances, the questioned votes my be re-examined by a judge.

In a worst-case scenario, the voting can be redone in a disputed district.

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McAleskie Family

The first McAleskie to settle in Fatatatutti jumped ship from a whaler and married into a native Fatatatutian family. With his own knowledge of modern wooden shipbuilding and his inlaws' knowledge of dugout canoe construction, he built up a successful boat repair business, catering to the ships that visited the island and to the local fishermen and coastal traders.

Today, the shipyard is still simply called McAleskie's and the bulk of the business has shifted toward steel ships, but the family still owns the original wood-boat yard and it still makes money.

Sean

Sean McAleskie is the CEO of McAleskie's. He is married to Mary Sullivan and they have twin daughters, Fiona (Little Fee) and Finn.

Siobhan

His twin sister, Siobhan, the Chief Engineer of McAleskie's, earned her degrees from the Fatatatutti Institute of Technology (FIT).

Sinead

Their younger sister, Sinead, is an artist who sometimes welds at McAleskie's to make extra cash. She also undertakes various assignments for the Government of Fatatatutti.

Brian and Fiona (Fee)

Brian and Fee, the parents of Sean, Siobhan and Sinead, are retired and spend most of their time exploring the backroads of Fatatatutti in a gypsy caravan.

'Uncle Kenny'

'Uncle Kenny' is neither a real uncle nor a real Kenny. He closes the windows at McAleskie House when it rains and he keeps the liquor cabinets stocked. He is also thought to be the main reason why the liquor cabinets need to be frequently restocked.

McAleskie House

McAleskie House was begun by great-grandpa McAleskie around the turn of the twentieth century. He enjoyed the view from the high hill overlooking the city of Fatatatutti so much that he decided to build a house there, but there wasn't a flat spot big enough to build a house. A friend offered to blast the top of the hill off with black powder but great-grandpa didn't like loud noises, so he decided to build the house on stilts instead.

Approachable only by a steep winding road and four flights of wooden stairs, the house presents a view if the whole island in microcosm. To the east is the city, to the north is the ocean, to the west is the beach and to the south is the bush. All of them are best seen from the 'quarterdeck', a large open deck above the rooftops, built by Brian and Fee during their honeymoon.

According to family tradition, every McAleskie is expected to add something to the house as a rite of passge.

Sean built a gazebo, reputedly from lumber that he 'borrowed' from the boatyard. The family joke is that somewhere there's a boat with a gazebo-shaped hole in it.

Siobhan built a covered walkway around a square of lawn, which the family calls the 'cloister' or sometimes the 'smoking room'.

Sinead spent the summer when she turned thirteen swinging from a trapeze with a hammer tied to her hand, building the 'crowsnest' - an observation tower on a pole ten meters above the quarterdeck - to get over her fear of heights.

Uncle Kenny built the walk-in liquor cabinets.

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Weather Office

Since the temperature in Fatatatutti is 26 degrees Celsius day in and day out, all year long, the Weather Office has relatively little to do. However, the rumour that the thermometer is painted on is patently false. The receipt is available to prove that it was purchased at Fatatatutian Tire for 4.99 USD.

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Holidays

The Fatatatutian year is divided into four main holidays seasons: Christmas, Luau Week, Second Christmas and Thanksgiving.

Christmas

In Fatatatutti, the Christmas season consists of the months of December, January and February. Various festivals are celebrated during the season, each lasting several weeks, including Solstice, Christmas and the New Year.

Christmas itself is celebrated in a variety of traditions, including religious and Dickensian. Businesses are predictably busy in the weeks before Christmas because of the gift-giving tradition, but most are closed for the week between Christmas and New Years.

Luau Week

Luau Week begins before Easter and runs though the months of March, April and May. Usually, the Lunar New Year is part of Luau Week as well.

The celebrations center around the luau, of course. One tradition is the 'thirty-nine pigger', in which a pig a day is roasted in a ring-shaped pit. Each day, a new pig is added beside the previous day's pig, around the circle for thirty-nine days. Some have suggested a 'forty pigger' but most Fatatatutians consider that excessive.

Luaus typically last for several days and it's considered rude to leave before the food is gone. Other luau-related activities include hula contests and fireworks.

Second Christmas

Second Christmas is based on the idea that there can never be too much Christmas. It runs through the months of June, July and August. Celebrations mimic Regular Christmas to some extent but there is no Second Christmas Day per se, nor is there a New Year's Day.

The Solstice is celebrated and various other festivals include Dragon Boat racing, outrigger canoe racing, sailing regattas and sand-castle competitions.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving begins in September and goes through October and November. Besides the traditional harvest festivals, Fatatatutians also celebrate the Back-to-School Festval and Hallowe'en.

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Fat City

'Fat City' is a common nickname for Fatatatutti, the capital city of the island of Fatatatutti. Residents of the city are sometimes called 'Fatties', though some people understandably object.

'Fat City' is also a popular name for businesses - e.g. Fat City Productions (movies), Fat City Insurance, etc. - whether they are located in the city of Fatatatutti or not.

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Emergency Services

Since the mid-1970s, it has been possible to contact an emergency services dispatcher by simply dialing 9-9-9 from any telephone in Fatatatutti. Originally, the caller had to give the dispatcher an address but recent developments have made address information and even GPS coordinates available to dispatchers without any input from the caller. In most cases, however, the emergency can be handled most efficiently if the caller can tell the dispatcher whether police, fire/rescue or ambulance service is required.

Police

(see Police)

Fire/Rescue

Fire and rescue services are generally provided at the municipal level, with additional funding from the national government to ensure that standards are universal. There is also a National Rescue Service (NRS) which makes specialized equipment and personnel available anywhere on the island with a few hours notice.

Ambulance

Road ambulance services are centered around hospitals, particularly larger hospitals with emergency services. In isolated areas, air ambulances - both helicopter and fixed-wing - are available. there is also an International Ambulance Service (IAS), used to take Fatatatutian patients overseas for specialized treatment or to bring foreign patients to Fatatatutti.

All ambulance services are funded by the Ministry of Health.

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Chang Family

Armstrong 'Mickey' Chang

Mickey Chang is the founder of the Youth Wing of the Communist Party of Fatatatutti and leader of the party since 1963. Educated at Harwood University and the Laudanum School of Economics, he has been Prime Minister of Fatatatutti for eight non-consecutive terms. He is the author of two popular novels, The Geese in Winter and The Geese Remain, as well as several lesser-known non-fiction works on Fatatatutti's history and politics. He has been married to Lily Johnson-Chang since 1958 and they have four children, nine grandchildren and four great-grandchildren.

Lily Johnson-Chang

Married to politician Mickey Chang since 1958, they have four children, nine grandchildren and four great-grandchildren together. Ms. Johnson-Chang is prominent in various charitable organizations around Fatatatutti.

Fleetwood Chang

Their older son is a labour lawyer, specializing in applications of the Workers' Rights Act. Married twice, he has five children and three grandchildren.

Amy Chang

Their older daughter manages a small logging company. Amy has been active in advocating the sustainable use of Fatatatutti's forests and other resources. She is married, with three children and one grandchild.

Shoshone Chang

Their younger son is a gay rights activist.

Harmony Chang

Their younger daughter is a professional juggler, magician and clown by training, as well as her father's closest advisor. She was a commando and was wounded in action. She has served three terms in Parliament, including one term as Defense Minister and one term as Transport Minister. With her father, she rewrote Fatatatutti's national healthcare legislation. She spends most of her time touring Fatatatutti on a bus with a troupe of street performers. She has one child.

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Mel's Angels

Mel's Angels is a motorcycle club, best know for giving toys to children, whether they want them or not.

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Fatatawushu

Fatatawushu is a martial art developed by the Militia and taught as part of its unarmed combat training program. A mixture of various Eastern martial arts, fatatawushu emphasizes the use of 'improvized weapons' - i.e. any object that comes to hand in a fight. Soldiers are taught to use all parts of their general-issue equipment, such as can-openers, bedrolls and shoelaces. Because the intent is to injure or incapacitate, fatatawushu is seldom taught to civilians.

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Courts

Criminal Courts

Any citizen may make a criminal complaint against another citizen, either to police or directly to the People's Prosecutor. Police, when they have knowledge that a crime has been committed, are obligated to make a complaint to the People's Proesecutor. Since there is no Criminal Code per se, a criminal complaint usually must demonstrate that some damage has been incurred.

After investigating the particulars of the case - e.g. taking statements from witnesses - the prosecutor drafts an indictment and presents it to a judge for approval. If the judge considers the evidence sufficient to go to trial, the indictment is signed and becomes an official charge against the accused. An indictment doesn't necessarily imply that there is enough evidence for a conviction, but that there is cause to try the case before a judge and maybe a jury.

At the same time, the prosecutor often applies for warrants to arrest the accused and to search his or her residence, place of business, etc. for further evidence. Since the Fatatatutian justice system is based on the premise that people want to be in Fatatatutti, the accused is seldom remanded in custody.

The accused has a right to trial by a jury of his or her peers but jury trials are uncommon.

Sentencing

Following a conviction, there is a sentencing hearing, during which the victims, families, community leaders and other interested parties discuss an appropriate sentence, with the emphasis on rehabilitation rather than punishment. For example, a person convicted of vandalism might be sentenced to repair the damage, in the hope that he or she will learn the value of property.

Appellate Courts

A conviction may be appealed if there was some impropriety in the conduct of the trial by the judge or any other official, or if new evidence can be presented in defense of the accused. Unlike some jurisdictions, an acquital may also be appealed by the People's Prosecutor, usually if new evidence can be presented against the accused. More commonly, however, new evidence results in a new indictment.

Civil Courts

Civil courts deal with disputes between people which do not involve an 'offense'. Typically, a civil suit involves a dispute over which party failed to perform his or her part of a contract. Judgements usually involve financial compensation rather than forced compliance with the terms of an already void contract.

Supreme Court

The Supreme Court rules on cases where the validity of the law is being challenged. For example, if Parliament passed a law defining marriage as a contract between a man and a woman, a same-sex couple might contest the law on the grounds that no such distinction has precedent in Fatatatutian law. If the Supreme Court accepted their petition, it would examine the new law for consistency with existing laws.

A law declared invalid by the Supreme Court is automatically null and void. Often, as a formality, Parliament votes to explicitly nullify the invalid law.

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Architecture

Most Fatatatutians live in 'single-family dwellings'. However, in Fatatatutti, a family often includes grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, friends, neighbours, etc. At mealtime, everybody within shouting distance is expected to stay and eat and at bedtime, everybody is expected to spend the night. So the 'family' often sleep wall-to-wall on the floor.

Traditional Housing

The traditional Fatatatutian house had a frame made of six coconut palm trunks, two at the front, making a curved triangle, three smaller ones at the rear, making a tripod, and a sway-backed ridge pole. Often, one or more living trees were incorporated into the frame. Then the walls and roof were filled in with bamboo and/or matting and the roof was thatched. Often the ends were left open if the prevailing winds permitted.

Modern Housing

Today, most houses are small, just two or three rooms, made of wood or brick or whatever is locally available. Cooking is often done outside in a kind of unwalled summer kitchen. (Of course, it's always summer in Fatatatutti.) Bathhouses are also often separate from the main house.

Where flooding is a problem, houses are often built on stilts. Treehouses are also common.

Some people sleep right on the beach.

Commercial and Institutional

Very few buildings in Fatatatutti are more than two or three stories high because Fatatatutians tend not to like heights. There are only a handful of elevators on the whole island.

Daughters of the Crimea Memorial Daycare Center

At forty stories, the Daughters of the Crimea Memorial Day-Care Center is the the tallest free-standing man-made structure in Fatatatutti.

Originally planned as the Fin de Siecle Hotel by a consortium of French bankers and hockey players, it was abandoned half-finished when they were bankrupted by the Y2K bug. The building was taken over by the government for back taxes and completed at a cost of 300 million cocos.

Decorated entirely by children, the interior used nearly 380,000 liters of finger-paint. It can accomodate 40,000 children at one time - or so it would seem from the noise-level. There are more than 4 hectares of playgrounds, 600 swing sets and 360 tons of sand in the sand boxes. Nearly a million toys and books have been donated by the local toy magnate, a jolly old fellow in red shorts and baseball cap.

The locals often tease tourists by referring to it as 'the Zoo'. Visitors are welcome.

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Charity

Fatatatutti has an extensive social welfare system to ensure that nobody lacks food, clothing or shelter. That system is simply an outgrowth of Fatatatutian culture, in which every Fatatatutian - and by extension, every human being - is a member of the family. Fatatatutians feel a social and moral responsibility to nurture the members of their family, so many charitable efforts exist beyond the basics provided by the government.

Soup Kitchens

Soup kitchens in Fatatatutti are run very much like free restaurants, except that there is no a la carte and service is minimal. The variety of dishes available at any time is also limited.

In order to avoid stigmatizing the patrons, everybody is encouraged to eat for free. People who can afford to pay often make an equivalent donation. People who can not afford to pay often volunteer to help in some other way.

Soup kitchens are often run as an adjunct to regular paying restaurants.

Food Banks

Similarly to soup kitchens, food banks operate like free grocery stores. At one time, food items were packed into standard hampers to be picked up by patrons. However, it was found that some items, such as lima beans or canned pumpkin, had limited appeal and they were simply sitting in the back of people's cupboards instead of being used. Today, most food banks have moved toward a self-serve system, more like regular grocery stores. Patrons can choose what they want from whatever is available and are thus more likely to make use of what they choose.

Shelters and Hostels

While shelter from the elements is not much of an issue in Fatatatutti, people who don't regularly sleep indoors need access to shower and laundry facilities, etc. There are many shelters that offer such things, as well as beds, telephones and TV rooms to make people feel more human.

Some shelters specialize as youth hostels for young people who are hitchhiking around the island.

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Flying Fembots

The Flying Fembots is one of Fatatatutti's favourite soccer teams, consisting of female members of Fatatatutti's armed forces. They play at charity and public-relations events. Overseas on peacekeeping missions, they play with local teams - especially children - to establish a friendly rapport.

The personnel change depending on who's available at a given time and location. The Fembots play in grass skirts and sometimes coconuts, depending on the local sensibilities.

The name 'Flying Fembots' reflects the fact that the team was originally made up of paratroopers. Today, however, players from all branches, including the Navy, are welcome.

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Fishing Industry

A large proportion of Fatatatutians obtain part of their food supply by fishing. 'Fisherman' is the single largest occupation named on tax forms, although many people making the claim derive no commercial income from fishing.

Nevertheless, commercial fishing is one of the major industries in Fatatatutti, both in terms of employment and in terms of product value. There are thousands of boats in the fishing fleet, most of them small and individually owned, with a crew of one to three. There are few large vessels.

Techniques range from trolling to netting to trapping for crabs. Seineing is permitted for only a few species and bottom-dragging is not permitted at all in Fatatatutian waters.

Processing

Much of the catch is sold fresh to local restaurants and retailers. For the export trade, fish must be canned or frozen and much of the catch is also canned or frozen for the Fatatatutian market. Freezer plants tend to be large but canneries range from large to small. In some areas, fish canning is a cottage industry.

Fish processing is a major employer in many areas.

Fishery Management

Fish stocks are carefully monitored by the Fisheries branch of the Ministry of Natural Resources. There are no licenses required for fishing but there are strict limits on how much of each species a processor may buy.

Fatatatutti monitors fish stocks within 1000 kilometers of its shores and attempts to prevent overfishing by foreigners as well as Fatatatutians.

Fish Farming

Several species of fish are 'farmed' - i.e. they are raised in large net enclosures, where they are fed and their health is monitored. The advantage is that all of the fish in a pen are of uniform size, so none have to be 'thrown back'. The disadvantage is that diseases can spread rapidly in the confined environment.

When the fish are ready for 'harvest', they are suctioned into a boat and taken to a regular processing plant.

Big-game Fishing

Big-game fishing is a relatively small part of the industry. However, there are charter boats available for tourists.

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Bruddah's

Bruddah's is the largest chain of restuarants in Fatatatutti, owned by Dooley 'Bruddah' Kamehameha. Dining at Bruddah's is much like being a guest at Bruddah's house, except that his seven children aren't always there and you get a bill. Many of the staff are Bruddah's relatives and the food is Fatatatutian home cooking, like Muddah used to make.

The speciality of the house, of course, is pig (short pig, since it's borderline illegal to sell long pig in Fatatatutti). Side dishes include two kinds of poi, chicken, a wide variey of fresh sea food and locally-grown fresh fruits and vegetables. The bar stocks coconut, pineapple and papaya wines as well as imported beverages.

The decor is sand and sky, with surf sounds for ambience. After dark, it's wise to bring your own torch if you need to see what you're eating.

In the evenings, there are often impromptu performances by local musicians, dancers and acrobats. For those who like to participate, there's an open-mike night and frequent hula contests (grass skirts are provided - along with coconuts if you're shy). On special occasions, there are often fireworks, either planned or accidental.

[Fatatatutti]

Lumber Industry

Fatatatutti's lumber industry is managed with sustainability in mind. For every tree that is cut, several are planted. The precise ratio varies with the species and location, as determined by botanists from the Forestry Branch of the Natural Resources Ministry. Trees are cut individually to preserve the habitat for wildlife and to prevent soil erosion.

Individual logs are hauled out of the bush by horses or sometimes by small tractors. They are then collected along logging roads by trucks or along short-line railways by narrow-guage trains to be hauled to the mills.

Almost all logs are milled into lumber by local mills and almost all of the lumber is sold on the local market, mostly for house construction.

The Fire Protection Branch of the Natural Resources Ministry protects homes and businesses but generally allows forest fires to burn, to ensure the continuing health of the forest.

[Fatatatutti]

Valkyries

The Valkyries are Fatatatutti's all-female National (Ice) Hockey Team:

• Erica Wahl, goaltender, who played inline hockey for three years before switching to ice, is known as the "Wall of Voodoo" because of her fast hands.
• Debbie 'Guns' Gershon, defense, is new to inline hockey but she is no stranger to athletics - track and field, gymnastics, soccer, softball, etc. She was chosen as Captain because of her leadership abilities. She refuses to discuss her nickname.
• Alexandra "Big Al" Adrian, defense, playing hockey for the first time. What she lacks in speed, Alex makes up for in strength. She can be very hard to get past. Her past sporting experience was mainly in wrestling.
• Alexandra "Zandy" Nkruma, center, has been playing inline hockey since she was three years old. A very aggressive player, she is known for penalties as well as goal-scoring.
• Kelly "Kiki" Kamehameha, left wing, followed in the footsteps of her father, Dooley "Bruddah" Kamehameha, as a soccer star. She has been inline skating since she was a child and she says that hockey is much like soccer, "except with more sticks".
• Fabien "Fab" Smith, right wing, came to hockey from street luge and inline speed skating. Today she's considered one of Fatatatutti's fastest women on ten wheels, though she has difficulty controlling that power on the ice surface.

Also known in the French Quarter of Fatatatutti as Les Fatatutiennes, when they come onto the ice, they are accompanied by Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries.