As Kjartan Lunquerque had already begun his celebration - a nonchalant 'i told you so' waggle of both his index finger and his eyebrows - before his looping header had even dropped under the crossbar. In older, more Audio-ey teams, the ball would have bounced off the top of the crossbar and left the striker looking silly. As it happened, Hanalia keeper Coral Ortega could only watch as the ball arced into the top corner. The scoreboard ticked round from one-nothing to two-nothing, the minute hand showing only two minutes of the second half played.
It wasn't easy. Hanalia had started the first half brighter, had rattled both the crossbar and the travelling Audioslavian fans by the tenth minute, and had almost taken the lead twice in the twenty-first minute, initially via a short-range Arun Reyes shot that the keeper miraculously managed to block with a desperate forearm, second a moment later, Goran Yurán acrobatically clearing Damien Guy's lob off the goal line.
But the Bulls had kept it together, and kept breaking up the home side's attacks. They did what good Audioslavian teams should do, and create chances on the counter, scoring on their third such burst forward, with Lúnquerque taking a low pass to feet and hooking a crisp finish under the dive of the advancing keeper.
Here, early in the second half, he's converted a high Bastarretxea cross into a headed goal into the opposite corner, and the Bulls are two up.
A few days later, back in Audioslavia, with a slightly changed team resting some of the heavier legs, 34 year-old Lunquerque shows why he's still indispensable. A rocket of a shot for 1-0, a decisive pass in the build-up to Cam Hooper's doubling of the lead, and another textbook second-half header to put the game beyond doubt.
Two games, two performances that have been a head above the opponent. No goals conceded.
We're still waiting for the punchline.
2: All Aboard the Blooterbus
A Blooter drags your team from a one-goal lead to a two-goal lead late on in a big game. It creates a buffer between your team and your opponents and there isn’t enough time left on the clock for it to be overcome. Like all the best things in life, The Blooter is a release of tension. Sure, sex is fine and all, but have you ever gone two-nil up in the 94th minute? It’s Alberto Gilardino’s no-look lay-off to Alessandro del Piero, who curls a high finish round Jens Lehman in the 120th minute. It’s Divock Origi putting Liverpool two goals up with two minutes to go in the Champions League final. It’s Kenny McLean cutting out a Danish pass deep into injury time, jogging forward, and lobbing Schmeichel from the halfway line for 4-2. The Blooter is catharsis. The rare occasion where the ball hitting the back of the net flat out wins your team the game.
In the modern era, only two goals have been given the code-name ‘Blooter’.
Karsten Eiger
World Cup 63 Final - 90+3rd Minute
Audioslavia [2]-0 Starblaydia
Written by Audioslavia
An airborn John Ryan's outstretched boot reached the ball before Kochanska could stoop to finish the ball into the gaping net, sending it high into the night and seemingly out for a throw in, to the wheezed sighs of relief from the Audioslavians in the crowd. Marmitinho, not wanting to waste time taking a throw-in, kept the ball from going out of play, but an attentive Rijsbergen picked the ball off the winger's feet before he could do anything with it, and in the blink of an eye it was swept out to Courier in midfield. A first-time pass to Mannestraal - on for the utterly knackered Weverton Sporadic - two more passes, the Audioslavian front-four sprinting forward at pace, just two defenders back to deal with them, the perfect storm of a counter-attack.
The ball played forward, to a Txordin Velazquez sprinting into the penalty area to collect it, killing the ball dead, waiting for the defender to approach and then, with a stroke of his right foot so casual it was like he was playing the ball in his slippers, the playmaker stroked the ball to his right.
Karsten Eiger was arriving. There were no white shirts near him. The ball rolled accross the area, left to right, just a yard behind the penalty spot. Eiger slowed his run, his strides became longer, for a second, as he synced his run to get his right foot to the ball at the right time.
There were twenty seconds left of injury time. Audioslavia were 1-0 up and good for their lead. If an Audioslavian had stopped and thought about it, it wouldn't matter whether Eiger scored, missed or even pounced forward and ate the ball whole. None of that mattered. Here, presented to the fans of the Bulls, the 'slaves, the claret and green, the fire, chokers, the c***s, the ne'erdowells, los toros, the men and women who followed the Audioslavian game for tens and/or hundreds of years, the men who played, managed, coached or loved the team, here, was the icing on the cake.
Karsten Eiger fucking blootered it.
The ball was beyond a despairing flail of the goalkeeper's hands in the blink of an eye, burying itself in the top corner of the goal.
The noise.. oh god the noise.
Audioslavia - 2013-02-12
Four cycles later, Audioslavia would go from blooteror to blooteree.
Kohev Kungas-Vaga
World Cup 67 Final - 85th Minute
Polar Islandstates [2]-0 Audioslavia
Written by Polar Islandstates
The frustration showed, and when Zekani was blown up for holding Lillehammer in the eighty-fifth minute on the edge of the box, Lillehammer took the kick quickly. To Villeneuve, who laid it out to the left flank for Vaaraniemi. Fresh on, the pace of Vaaraniemi destroyed the structure of Audioslavia at the back and the break was on. Surely, we thought, surely this would be the moment that we would put demons to rest. Bjerregaard and Kolehmainen were streaking down the pitch creating a two-on-two with Mancini and Mannini in the centre, waiting for the cross from Vaaraniemi. And then there was Kungas-Vaga appearing from nowhere creating a three-on-two. And then there was the cross. And then there was Kungas-Vaga arriving late to volley home with a shot that left Imaslavii twisting and turning in mid-flight to try and stop the ball from finding its way gloriously into the top corner. And then there was noise.
Kungas-Vaga wheeled away from the goal and ran the length of the pitch, first looking for the figure of van Sorensen in the crowd. He pointed. He clasped the badge on his chest, shaking it as he screamed in pride. He ran towards us Twitchers, celebrating in front of us as the team mobbed him. Audioslavian players were lying down on the pitch, they thought it was all over. It might as well have been. Surely that was it? Surely that was the end of the years of hurt.
Polar Islandstates - 2014-01-26
The goals of Eiger and Kungas-Vaga are sisters. Both happened on a late counter-attack that finally sealed their first World Cup after having made an embarrassing habit of losing finals. Both finishes are thumped cathartically hard into the goal, Eiger’s down the centre, Kungas-Vaga’s a volley into the top corner.
Pre-modern World Cup finals gave us two further blooters.
Bedistan’s second goal in their World Cup 30 two-nothing win over Starblaydia is entirely based around capturing this Moment of Blooter, filmed through the Magical Camera of RP, a trope that has sadly gone out of fashion.
Parker Law
World Cup 30 Final - 72nd Minute
Bedistan [2]-0 Starblaydia
Written by Bedistan
We look out over the Stadium of Light through our Magical Camera of RP. And this isn't some cruddy Rejistanian model either, this is the latest and greatest, streaming enough megapixels to produce a crystal-clear picture on a movie theater-sized screen at over 40 frames per second. Oh, and did I mention it features time manipulation technology? Yep, it does. Right now we've paused time as we pan through the stadium. Looking over at the big scoreboard, we see that Bedistan are up 1-0 over Starblaydia after seventy-one minutes and three seconds. The stands are absolutely packed with people wearing either purple and white or blue and green, depending on which team they're here to support, and there seems to be about a 50-50 split.
The camera stops near the midfield line, looking into the crowd. We see a family of four, all dressed in green and blue and therefore cheering for Bedistan. This is the Palmer family, from the small* city of Jennerstown in Spalding province, Bedistan. The father, Isaac, had been saving money for nine months so that he could take his whole family to the final. They all had been banking on their nation to make it here, and they weren't disappointed. Isaac believed that these two thousand bakrani** were the best he'd eveer spent, and the looks on their faces seem to indicate that his wife Marian agrees, as do their children, 17-year-old Brett and 12-year-old Nicole.
The camera zooms out and gives a 180-degree rotation so that it now looks out over the pitch. We see Bedistan in its usual 3-4-1-2 formation, and we see that the current focus of activity in the match seems to be over by the Starblaydi goal. But we'll get to that later.
Now the camera moves into a sea of purple over on the other side of the stadium. We come to the ninth row, where we see a fairly large number of Starblaydia supporters who appear to have smuggled a pretty decent quantity of alcohol into the stadium. Indeed, there are several empty Orcinus bottles strewn about the stand beneath them. Like the Palmers on the other side, these Starblaydis seem to be having the time of their lives. Perhaps even too good of a time, as we see one over on the end making a rude gesture to the nearest Bedistani player while a more sober-looking woman on his left with Starblaydi flags painted on both cheeks continues pleading with him to relinquish his car keys.
And now we go back several rows to a group of dark-skinned people dressed in white, the secondary Starblaydi color. This is the Seove family - Hetamhak~hi, Inideh~sisa, and Kiiramvela - from Nanti Lik~hat, Rejistania. While certainly not quite the fervent Starblaydia supporters that the subjects of Viannor may be, the Seove'he'ny were nevertheless hoping the Lions would not be victorious so that the Orange-Blues would remain the only team with four World Cup titles to their name. The expression on Inideh~sisa's face is one of worry, perhaps due to the events transpiring on the pitch at the moment.
Zoom out, turn around, and zoom in again, back to the Bedistan-supporting side of the stadium. And once again people of another nation have thrown their support behind one of the teams here today, in this case a group of Vilitans having just arrived in Qutar from Yeaddin. Most of them are wearing Bedistani blue and green, though several sport the kits of Yeaddin Owls AFC, the old club of former Bedistan manager Kenter Surf and some former Bedistan national team superstars. All of them are staring intently at the end of the pitch where the Starblaydi goal is.
Now the camera starts to pan up, up, way up. Into the nosebleed section, where we see a man dressed in a red and white shirt and blue jeans. He seems to be looking up at the sky as though he's praying for a meteorite to appear out of nowhere and make a direct hit on the pitch below. Those around him seem to have dismissed him as insane.
And now we zoom, at long last, to the Starblaydi goal. The ball is en route, apparently having recently left the right foot of Bedistan captain Parker Law. Goalkeeper Paola Mendez seems to be trying to make her way toward the incoming ball, but if it's going fast enough, she doesn't have a chance.
We unpause the camera and hear the stadium suddenly burst into a roar, as Law's shot apparently was fast enough. Two-nil to Bedistan! And, it would later turn out, a fourth World Cup title officially in the history books for the Lions, at last tying the Orange-Blues' record.
And now all that's left to do is see if the Lions can be the first to make it five. But we won't know for another four years.
Bedistan - 2006-09-29
Bedistan’s fourth World Cup championship comes a few cycles after Rejistania’s own quaternary title. The Rejistani archetype is simpler. And very Rejistanian.
Syku Hanmatu
World Cup 23 Final - 85th Minute
Rejistania[2]-0 Druida
Written by Rejistania
(85th minute)
ER: And again Dai Jones loses the ball to Hitu Myjutes, quick pass to SeKa, he plays upfields to Hanmatu'he they are starting another attack, Trevor Orange can not intercept that, Myjutes'he has the ball, in good position, he decides to pass to Hanmatu'he, and.... XXXXXXXXKKKKKKOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! (whatever he says now is incomprehensible due to the cheers of Rejistanians in the stadium and in the RejisCAST building, where "working hard" conveniently became "hardly working").
SR: JJJJJJJJJIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! Now defend! Do not risk a thing! Go Rejistania! (it is not clear wether that was said or not since still many cheers were heard)
Rejistania - 2005-07-25
The Blooter is a fringe subcategory of a type of goal that is both more common than it should be and exactly as common as you'd expect in a World Cup Final: The Hollywood Goal. You know. Pele in Escape to Victory. Santiago Muñez from 35 yards. Or when she bent it like Beckham in Bend it Like Beckham. Dramatic. Sentimental. Pushing the bounds of reality but, importantly, staying within them. When you push that particular envelope to far, you let the demons in.






























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