[AT VOTE] Commend Outer Sparta

[Refuge Isle]

I have been given the green light to post this. Character Count: 4895.

The Security Council,

Outer Sparta has long been a state where sports and culture has been valued at the very core, with impressively detailed accounts of their experiences and writing prowess as well as a willingness to help other upcoming generations.

For one, Outer Sparta has long inscribed their bee hypotheses, evidenced by their gripping tale rumored to be “You’ve got a friend in Bee” Declining bee populations have forced world leaders to get creative with their solutions. Improving bee populations is a necessity, at least for some.

However, creative solutions are not without loopholes. When many world leaders became desperate to improve bee populations, their scientists unleashed killer bees. It certainly appears to be “The Bee-Ginning of a Catastrophe?”, and these bees must be stopped through any means possible.

Meanwhile, in other situations across the spheres, Outer Sparta is busy recording a tale that involves pharmaceutical companies increasing their products in an attempt to “Drug Up the Prices”. Little do they know demonstrations behold. Rallies of great quantities force the decision-makers of our time to make the right determinations.

At a desk across the hall, “Mayday! Mayday!” calls are heard. Riveting grim reports detail a plane crash from within. Trauma fills the office. The public is begging for safety standards, but how will they be implemented? Will their choice be successful? That is the question they must answer.

Outer Sparta definitely has more stories to share throughout their leafy casebook, however. Their work describing sports controversies certainly demonstrates their expertise with pen and quill. Some of their anagrams include:

• A spellbinding compte rendu that details an oil-rich nation beating out other entities to the hosting of an international competition, despite having no standardized infrastructure. Certainly, sports isn’t “A Funny Old Game” anymore. Outrage from within threatens the validity of what many consider so precious.
  
  
• A fantastical enigma puzzle, “Balls to All That”, details a case where many problems come from within. While many nations are so transfixed on corruption related to hosting, they turn a blind eye to complications in the confines of their jurisdiction. Footballing clubs striking deals with outside investors worries many in power. Could their very nation be susceptible to the same compromising fate?
  
  
• A high-level disclosure, in which the more and more exposés that are revealed by Outer Sparta, the more and more fraud and falsification acquire the spotlight. “Suspicious Superhuman Athletes?” who are choosing to take illegal substances threaten the very rectitude of the game. Leaders must be decisive. One slip-up may cost them their sporting future.
  
  
• College athletes beginning to see the unfairness and cruelty in the game as well. Why should they not be paid for their efforts? While it may be “Amateur Hour”, it is assured this is a very professional case. Distaste for the sporting cultures and atmospheres of their nations continues to rise among amateurs. Will it boil over into new troubles?

Outer Sparta certainly exemplifies how to deal with these stumbling blocks. Their kingdom sets a leading example for others by being ranked by a secret census bureau as fifth in the multiverse for environmental standards of living, tenth for most developed peoples and tourist destinations, 11th for the weather for their nation, 13th for their citizens' compassion and lifespan, with six other categories in the top 25, allowing everybody inside their very own realm to be consumed by good quality of life.

Individuals gain a strong quality of life by participating in sports such as football, and Outer Sparta has shown its dedication to it through the years in the Platinum League and The Beautiful Game, where they detail scores, records, matchdays, transfer rumors, past league winners, cup competitions, football contestants, and analysis in their accounts of footballing glories past, present, and certainly the future.

Outer Sparta’s feedback for new and old authoring nations alike has helped numerous newcomers land on their feet in the hallowed halls of many of the bodies that make up this multiverse, furthering many nations' authorship abilities selflessly in different portals throughout the multiverse, and as such believing this to be an example for other nations to follow.

The Security Council praises the beautifully illustrated destination that is Outer Sparta, where their many formulated communiques and a willingness to lend out a hand to others who try to accomplish their very feats deserve tremendous lauding. The least that can be done is to offer them some formal recognition in this august body.

Considering these factors, The Security Council Hereby Commends Outer Sparta.

Sources:

• Issues Written. (Ctrl+F "Outer Sparta")
• Stat Placements, Stat Percentages.
• Platinum League + The Beautiful Game + Commissionership.
• Europe RMB Search, Europe forums.
• Feedback to new authors on NS Forums.

[Fachumonn]

Drafts:

The Security Council,

Outer Sparta has long been a nation where sports and culture have been valued at the very core, with impressive detailed accounts of their experiences and writing prowess as well as willingness to help other upcoming generations,

Amazed by Outer Sparta’s casebook, where they have detailed documentation of some of the issues faced by many nations throughout this wide and storied realm, not limited to being,

• Impressed by the first report in the notebook, “You’ve got a friend in Bee”, which details a conundrum where world leaders are tasked with improving bee populations in their nations through any means necessary, otherwise consequences behold,
  
  
• Enthralled when flipping the next page, it is found that another report, referred to as “The Bee-Ginning of a Catastrophe?”, where Outer Sparta describes how when world leaders got desperate to ameliorate their bee populations across the spheres, their scientists unleashed killer bees which must be stopped for the betterment of society,
  
  
• Engrossed by the novel telling of a stunning narration, “Drug Up the Prices”, in which nations’ leaders are left with extreme drug prices for medicine which have led to demonstrations and rallies of great quantities, leaving it up to the leaders to decide which path they may choose; the wrong one may lead to the downfall of their very own position of power,
  
  
• Entranced when another exposition is transcripted, this time cited as “Mayday! Mayday!”, where Outer Sparta recounts a trauma-filled problem faced by many global figureheads of our time, inducing grim throughout s as a plane is confirmed to be crashed, and perturbed citizens are begging for safety standards, where it is up to the leader to win over the people and their support,

Uncovering that upon further inspection, the casebook does not end there, so wishing to tell even more of the entertaining and lively stories that appear throughout the leafy pages,

• Gripped by the tale of a compte rendu hidden in the files of this casebook, for which a name is etched out in pen, made out to be “A Funny Old Game”, which recalls an anagram faced by many global decision-makers, where an oil-rich nation beats out many other entities to the hosting rights of an international competition, despite having no standardized infrastructure, sparking outrage within many sovereign nations worldwide,
  
  
• Transfixed by the summary of a fantastical enigma puzzle, inscribed by pen into the leaf casebook as “Balls to All That”, where Outer Sparta, in one of their final remarks, adds on to the previous tale by remembering a novel in where they account footballing clubs striking deals with outside investors, with people in power all over worried these outside forces could influence their domestic league and grow their power within their select nations, and so it appears that wealthy folk on the outside are monopolizing sporting leagues on the inside,
  
  
• Spellbinded by the account of a worldwide scandal, “Suspicious Superhuman Athletes?”, which involves sporting athletes in the named competitions taking certain substances to enhance their ability, forcing leaders throughout the world to be decisive in their choices, for if they slip up, their nations already tainted sporting competitions and pastimes could be on the line,
  
  
• Riveted by an account, labeled as “Amateur Hour”, where Outer Sparta narrates another sports dilemma, as fancied by the tellings of this casebook, which highlights the unrest growing in college athletes, who are demanding pay for their work and are demonstrating their distaste for the current affairs of many nations residing in the multiverse, where compromising the future of their nations sporting abilities is on the line,

Awed by Outer Sparta’s commitment to a better world, as exemplified by their nation, which sets a leading example for others by being ranked by a secret census bureau as fifth in the multiverse for environmental standards of living, tenth for most developed peoples and tourist destinations, 11th for the weather for their nation, 13th for their citizens compassion and lifespan with six other categories in the top 25, allowing everybody inside their very own realm to be consumed by good quality of life,

Acclaiming Outer Sparta’s feedback for new and old authoring nations alike, helping many newcomers land on their feet in the hallowed halls of many of the bodies that make up this multiverse, furthering many nations authorship abilities selflessly in different portals throughout the multiverse, and as such believing this to be an example for other nations to follow,

Praising the beautiful illustrated destination that is Outer Sparta, where their many formulated communiques and a willingness to lend out a hand to others who try to accomplish their very feats, and the least that can be done is to offer them some formal recognition in this august body, so

Hereby Commends Outer Sparta.

The Security Council,

Convinced that it is a duty of this august body to recognize those who are deemed worthy of such recognition and that by steadfast dedication and determination, Outer Sparta has earned such praise,

Dazzled by Outer Sparta’s accomplishments in their think tanks and high regard for standard of living which have blessed this grandiose multiverse with positivity,

Amazed by Outer Sparta’s casebook, where they have detailed documentation of some of the issues faced by many nations throughout this wide and storied realm, including but not limited to,

• Impressed by the first report in the notebook, #441, “You’ve got a friend in Bee”, which details a conundrum where world leaders are tasked with improving bee populations in their nations through any means necessary, otherwise consequences behold,
• Spellbinded by the account of a worldwide scandal, #493 “Suspicious Superhuman Athletes?”, which involves sporting athletes taking certain substances to enhance their ability, forcing leaders throughout the world to be decisive in their choices, for if they slip up, their nations sporting competitions could be on the line,
• Enthralled when flipping the next page, it is found that another report, referred to as #627, “The Bee-Ginning of a Catastrophe?”, where Outer Sparta describes their fantasy with bees, and how scientists across the spheres have unleashed killer bees and must stop them for the betterment of society,
• Entranced when another exposition is transcripted, this time cited as #652, “Mayday! Mayday!”, where Outer Sparta recounts a trauma-filled problem faced by many global figureheads of our time, inducing terror attacks in their bodies as a plane is confirmed to be crashed, and perturbed citizens are begging for safety standards,

Finding that upon further inspection, the casebook does not end there, so wishing to tell even more of the amusing and lively stories that appear,

• Engrossed by the novel telling of a story, introduced by the title of #771, “Drug Up the Prices”, in which nations’ leaders are left with extreme drug prices for medicine, leading to demonstrations and rallies, and it is up to the leaders to decide which path they may choose; the wrong one may lead to the downfall of their very own position of power,
• Gripped by the tale of a compte rendu hidden in the files of this casebook, for which a name is etched out in pen, made out to be #1177, “A Funny Old Game”, recalling an anagram faced by many global decision-makers, where an oil-rich nation beats out many other entities to the hosting rights of an international competition, despite having no standardized infrastructure, sparking outrage within many sovereign nations worldwide,
• Riveted by an account, labeled #1303, “Amateur Hour”, where Outer Sparta narrates another sports dilemma, as fancied by the tellings of this casebook, which highlights the unrest growing in college athletes, who are demanding pay for their work and are demonstrating their distaste for the current affairs of many nations residing in the multiverse,
• Transfixed by the summary of a fantastical enigma puzzle, inscribed by pen into the leaf casebook as #1372, “Balls to All That”, where Outer Sparta, in one of their final remarks, tells the tale of another sports-related conundrum, which happens to be craved by the storyteller, where they account footballing clubs striking deals with outside investors, with people in power all over worried these outside forces could influence their domestic league and grow their power within their very select nations,

Recognizing Outer Sparta’s steadfast dedication to Europe, which includes their creation and organization of the Platinum League and the archiving records of The Beautiful Game, and their serving as 2nd Deputy Commissioner, fostering sports development and regional security in Europe,

Awed by Outer Sparta’s commitment to a better world, as exemplified by their nation, which sets a leading example for others by being ranked by a secret census bureau as 5th in the multiverse for environmental standards of living, 10th for most developed peoples and tourist destinations, 11th for the weather for their nation, 13th for their citizens compassion and lifespan, with six other categories in the top 25, and allowing everybody inside their very own realm to be consumed by good quality of life,

Acclaiming Outer Sparta’s feedback for new and old authoring nations alike, helping many newcomers land on their feet in the hallowed halls of many of the bodies that make up this multiverse, furthering many nations authorship abilities selflessly, and believing this to be an example for other nations to follow,

The principal tales of the nation proclaimed to be Outer Sparta lead us to believe that recognition of their prodigious achievements shall not be foregone, so

Hereby Commends Outer Sparta.

Outer Sparta is such a great commendation nominee and I am blessed to be able to write about them

[Hulldom]

First read through is favorable, but definitely will need some work. Will be after I get done with the work today, but expect some shears.

[Fachumonn]

First read through is favorable, but definitely will need some work. Will be after I get done with the work today, but expect some shears.

Of course, I don't expect it to be perfect with barely any feedback

[Saint Tomas and the Northern Ice Islands]

Personally, I'm not seeing a convincing case for commendation.

As someone who attempted a draft almost four(!) years ago... this one feels like a massive case of deja vu. Everything is about the same - impressive but not outstanding stats and authorship, sprinkled with some football stuff and Europe stuff. We can safely ignore the stats and Europe stuff as filler for now, because they are. Ten issues is definitely no joke - I don't think I could come close to such a number. But compared to other authors who were primarily recognised for their work in issues, it doesn't come close. The football RP stuff also doesn't have a whole lot of updates in the past few years, which doesn't indicate the commitment and dedication over many years usually expected for a RP commendation.

Anyways, I'm just one person, and issues resolutions are generally uncontroversial enough that if you feel strongly about it you could get it passed easily. But here's some actual feedback: focus on the issues. Scrap all the filler beyond the published issues and just write a good story. Outer Sparta's resume is already incredibly helpful for this task: the 2-issue bee chain and the many sports-related issues provide a solid foundation for a narrative. At the moment, the issues section is a gigantic mess. It's simply stating the facts in an uninteresting way, and I'm confused as to how an entire nation has a "casebook", and why they even have one. An issue about poor people not being able to access essential meds following a declaration of "amusing and lively" stories is amusing for the wrong reasons. To shamelessly toot my own horn, you can read up on Commend Singapore no2 for inspiration. Once you've got the issues core nailed down, you could add the Platinum League parts on as a flavour and a nice reference to the already-established idea that Outer Sparta really digs football, and then you've got a very solid proposal going on.

[Fachumonn]

Europe stuff as filler for now, because they are.

I wouldn't necessarily call it filler - sure, it's less important than the body of issues, but it's notable.

But compared to other authors who were primarily recognised for their work in issues, it doesn't come close.

I don't agree with this; Sacara was commended for 15, SherpDaWerp had 9, Fauxia had 12, it's definitely within the range.

At the moment, the issues section is a gigantic mess. It's simply stating the facts in an uninteresting way, and I'm confused as to how an entire nation has a "casebook", and why they even have one. An issue about poor people not being able to access essential meds following a declaration of "amusing and lively" stories is amusing for the wrong reasons.

I can rearrange the issues, which would be preferable I see

To shamelessly toot my own horn, you can read up on Commend Singapore no2 for inspiration. Once you've got the issues core nailed down, you could add the Platinum League parts on as a flavour and a nice reference to the already-established idea that Outer Sparta really digs football, and then you've got a very solid proposal going on.

Thanks for the feedback! I will definitely improve on the issues writing, as that could use some work.

The whole casebook thing was a way of making the reader imagine flipping through stories of different issues, but it might not have come across the best.

[Bhang Bhang Duc]

Support in principle, but I think it needs some work. Will try and give more detailed feedback when I have given the draft a more thorough reading.

Think you have solid foundations to build on though.

[Fachumonn]

I understand that the issues could be addressed in a better way.

I'm currently threading a tight line at 4960 characters however.

[Hulldom]

I have been given the green light to post this. Character Count: 4960.

The Security Council,

Convinced that it is a duty of this august body to recognize those who are deemed worthy of such recognition and that by steadfast dedication and determination, Outer Sparta has earned such praise,

This is a bit bland. Would definitely try to spice this up. Is there something about Os that makes them unique, maybe in how they've interacted with the game or the theme of their nation?

Dazzled by Outer Sparta’s accomplishments in their think tanks and high regard for standard of living which have blessed this grandiose multiverse with positivity,

Consistent with the above. However, I will add that if you take my advice on the above, you can probably dispense with a second introductory clause unless it just naturally flows as a bridge.

Amazed by Outer Sparta’s casebook, where they have detailed documentation of some of the issues faced by many nations throughout this wide and storied realm, including but not limited to,

• Impressed by the first report in the notebook, #441, “You’ve got a friend in Bee”, which details a conundrum where world leaders are tasked with improving bee populations in their nations through any means necessary, otherwise consequences behold,
• Enthralled when flipping the next page, it is found that another report, referred to as #627, “The Bee-Ginning of a Catastrophe?”, where Outer Sparta describes their fantasy with bees, and how scientists across the spheres have unleashed killer bees and must stop them for the betterment of society,
• Engrossed by the novel telling of a story, introduced by the title of #771, “Drug Up the Prices”, in which nations’ leaders are left with extreme drug prices for medicine, leading to demonstrations and rallies, and it is up to the leaders to decide which path they may choose; the wrong one may lead to the downfall of their very own position of power,
• Entranced when another exposition is transcripted, this time cited as #652, “Mayday! Mayday!”, where Outer Sparta recounts a trauma-filled problem faced by many global figureheads of our time, inducing terror attacks in their bodies as a plane is confirmed to be crashed, and perturbed citizens are begging for safety standards,

I don't dislike this. "Casebook" is also interesting phraseology. There are some grammatical issues to clean up, and if you're insistent on this sort of organization, I'd be happy to propose something to you in cleaning this up.

Finding that upon further inspection, the casebook does not end there, so wishing to tell even more of the amusing and lively stories that appear,

• Spellbinded by the account of a worldwide scandal, #493 “Suspicious Superhuman Athletes?”, which involves sporting athletes taking certain substances to enhance their ability, forcing leaders throughout the world to be decisive in their choices, for if they slip up, their nations sporting competitions could be on the line,
• Gripped by the tale of a compte rendu hidden in the files of this casebook, for which a name is etched out in pen, made out to be #1177, “A Funny Old Game”, recalling an anagram faced by many global decision-makers, where an oil-rich nation beats out many other entities to the hosting rights of an international competition, despite having no standardized infrastructure, sparking outrage within many sovereign nations worldwide,
• Riveted by an account, labeled #1303, “Amateur Hour”, where Outer Sparta narrates another sports dilemma, as fancied by the tellings of this casebook, which highlights the unrest growing in college athletes, who are demanding pay for their work and are demonstrating their distaste for the current affairs of many nations residing in the multiverse,
• Transfixed by the summary of a fantastical enigma puzzle, inscribed by pen into the leaf casebook as #1372, “Balls to All That”, where Outer Sparta, in one of their final remarks, tells the tale of another sports-related conundrum, which happens to be craved by the storyteller, where they account footballing clubs striking deals with outside investors, with people in power all over worried these outside forces could influence their domestic league and grow their power within their very select nations,

This is where I kind of lose the thread. If you're going to mention them all, I think it's worth constructing the issues either in the way Sacara's commend does or in the narrative format of SherpDaWerp's commend. This feels sort of lazy and like a cop out of having a frankenclause.

Recognizing Outer Sparta’s steadfast dedication to Europe, which includes their creation and organization of the Platinum League and the archiving records of The Beautiful Game, and their serving as 2nd Deputy Commissioner, fostering sports development and regional security in Europe,

What are either of the first two? I'm sure they could be interesting things to mention if we hd more details. I will also add that my understanding of the Deputy Commissionership is that it's basically a glorified polls officer for the most part. I would not mention it unless OS' tenure was particularly innovative or notable.

Awed by Outer Sparta’s commitment to a better world, as exemplified by their nation, which sets a leading example for others by being ranked by a secret census bureau as 5th in the multiverse for environmental standards of living, 10th for most developed peoples and tourist destinations, 11th for the weather for their nation, 13th for their citizens compassion and lifespan, with six other categories in the top 25, and allowing everybody inside their very own realm to be consumed by good quality of life,

Unless their stats fit into a larger narrative about their nation (their commitment to being an attractive destination for international sports competitions? I don't know if they've ever been involved with NS Sports), I wouldn't mention them.

Acclaiming Outer Sparta’s feedback for new and old authoring nations alike, helping many newcomers land on their feet in the hallowed halls of many of the bodies that make up this multiverse, furthering many nations authorship abilities selflessly, and believing this to be an example for other nations to follow,

Definitely like this. Though I would try to see how you could extend this. Doesn't OS have a fairly active presence over in Issues too doing largely the same thing?

The principal tales of the nation proclaimed to be Outer Sparta lead us to believe that recognition of their prodigious achievements shall not be foregone, so

Hereby Commends Outer Sparta.

Very generic. Would definitely consider trying to tie more of the narrative threads together in your closer.

[Fachumonn]

This is a bit bland. Would definitely try to spice this up. Is there something about Os that makes them unique, maybe in how they've interacted with the game or the theme of their nation?

Got it. I think I'm naturally a bland writer

r, I will add that if you take my advice on the above, you can probably dispense with a second introductory clause unless it just naturally flows as a bridge.

Alright.

I don't dislike this. "Casebook" is also interesting phraseology. There are some grammatical issues to clean up, and if you're insistent on this sort of organization, I'd be happy to propose something to you in cleaning this up.

I will look into the grammatical issues, but thanks.

This is where I kind of lose the thread. If you're going to mention them all, I think it's worth constructing the issues either in the way Sacara's commend does or in the narrative format of SherpDaWerp's commend. This feels sort of lazy and like a cop out of having a frankenclause.

I didn't mention them all But thanks I will look into it!

What are either of the first two? I'm sure they could be interesting things to mention if we hd more details. I will also add that my understanding of the Deputy Commissionership is that it's basically a glorified polls officer for the most part. I would not mention it unless OS' tenure was particularly innovative or notable.

If I can't find notable things done I will remove it.

Unless their stats fit into a larger narrative about their nation (their commitment to being an attractive destination for international sports competitions? I don't know if they've ever been involved with NS Sports), I wouldn't mention them.

Got it. I still think it's impressive however.

Definitely like this. Though I would try to see how you could extend this. Doesn't OS have a fairly active presence over in Issues too doing largely the same thing?

I will expand but just so you know the point of the clause was to cover both GI and WA.

Very generic. Would definitely consider trying to tie more of the narrative threads together in your closer.

I'm just a generic writer. Will def. need a rewrite.

[The Ice States]

This seems fine, I would support as written.

[Fachumonn]

This has been updated to hopefully address feedback.

[Fachumonn]

With the queue empty, I am hoping to get some more feedback on this.

[Fachu]

I have completely reworked the whole issues part of the resolution, and as such there is a new draft.

I had my go at a narrative-style-commend, but it might not have come out the best. Anyways comments always appreciated.

[Hulldom]

I would remove the Amazed and Applauding clauses.

Otherwise, I would rework:

Applauding Outer Sparta’s dedication to football through the Platinum League and The Beautiful Game, where they detail matchdays, transfer rumors, past league winners, cup competitions, football contestants, and analysis in their accounts,

into

And individuals gain a strong quality of life by participating in sports such as football, and Outer Sparta has shown its dedication to it through the years in the Platinum League and The Beautiful Game, where they detail matchdays, transfer rumors, past league winners, cup competitions, football contestants, and analysis in their accounts of footballing glories past, present, and certainly the future,

Beyond that, looking good. Full support.

[Fachumonn]

I would remove the Amazed and Applauding clauses.

Now that I look at it the proposal flows better without the amazed clause. Thanks

Otherwise, I would rework:

Applauding Outer Sparta’s dedication to football through the Platinum League and The Beautiful Game, where they detail matchdays, transfer rumors, past league winners, cup competitions, football contestants, and analysis in their accounts,

into

And individuals gain a strong quality of life by participating in sports such as football, and Outer Sparta has shown its dedication to it through the years in the Platinum League and The Beautiful Game, where they detail matchdays, transfer rumors, past league winners, cup competitions, football contestants, and analysis in their accounts of footballing glories past, present, and certainly the future,

Beyond that, looking good. Full support.

Thanks for the support. As already mentioned, I'm not too keen on starting the clause with "and", but other than that I like your rewrite. Will likely be implemented in one form or another.

Edit: Also, just to clarify: I will not be able to spend the usual copious amounts of time I do on this game from April 13-22nd due to RL stuff. So submission will likely be late April or Early-ish May.

[Fachumonn]

Bumping this. Will probably be submitted May 4th or May 5th if the site is up and there are no further comments.

[Aivintis]

I'm not sure I understand the formatting/style here. It feels very confusing. To highlight what's wrong here, let me demonstrate by simplifying the content.

"The Security Council, Outer Sparta is a city-state, Outer Sparta likes bees. Bees are important to some people, Outer Sparta has helped people in authorship, Praising Outer Sparta for helping people, so hereby commends Outer Sparta"

This hurts my head so much. Either you're doing a narrative (which seems to be what you want to do, and seems to be something you can do well), or you want to stick to the traditional format (ONE long run on sentence with no periods and starting each clause with an adjective or verb, so that it actually makes sense - "The World Assembly, Knowing this, Praising this, Hereby Commends that").

You can't do both at the same time, or else I will cry.

I can't even comment on the content because it's incredibly difficult for me to focus when I try to read. Although I do trust Hulldom and Ice States if they say it's good on that front, and the last two clauses, which I could manage to read, do sound good.

[Outer Sparta]

Yep, going to have to make a clarification that my nation is not a city-state, just so everything is clear.

[Fachumonn]

I'm not sure I understand the formatting/style here. It feels very confusing. To highlight what's wrong here, let me demonstrate by simplifying the content.

"The Security Council, Outer Sparta is a city-state, Outer Sparta likes bees. Bees are important to some people, Outer Sparta has helped people in authorship, Praising Outer Sparta for helping people, so hereby commends Outer Sparta"

This hurts my head so much. Either you're doing a narrative (which seems to be what you want to do, and seems to be something you can do well), or you want to stick to the traditional format (ONE long run on sentence with no periods and starting each clause with an adjective or verb, so that it actually makes sense - "The World Assembly, Knowing this, Praising this, Hereby Commends that").

You can't do both at the same time, or else I will cry.

I can't even comment on the content because it's incredibly difficult for me to focus when I try to read. Although I do trust Hulldom and Ice States if they say it's good on that front, and the last two clauses, which I could manage to read, do sound good.

This will be addressed. Thank you!

[Fachumonn]

I have decided to add full-stops so it fits the narrative format. I think the commas were a leftover from the old draft.

I hope this is less of a head-hurter now. Anyways, I really don't want to rush this, so I'm thinking submission could be something like May 10th or 11th. Unless there are any objections, last call will be announced in a few days.

[Fauxia]

Hi there Fachumonn! This is a pretty solid draft, and I'm inclined to say that I like the writing style of the draft in the declaration age™, although I can only speak for myself in that regard. That said, it doesn't quite work as it stands. Proposals are supposed to be written from the perspective of the Security Council as a whole; this reads as Fachumonn describing Outer Sparta to the Security Council. This is why there exists the convention of phrases beginning with -ing verbs. You don't need to follow that convention, as it can be a little bit forced, but I think we could maybe use at least a single "observing" clause here. Then we can connect "The Security Council" to "hereby commends Outer Sparta"—whereas now it reads at best like "The Security Council hereby commends Outer Sparta" with a random long story in the middle like something out of a postmodern novel.

There's some grammatical stuff in the draft—the draft switches tenses at times. In one case this is understandable—I think the choice of singular/plural for collective nouns (Outer Sparta would count) varies by convention. That said, you shouldn't switch between the two unless you follow the convention that varies depending on whether the context is "singular" or "plural." In the case of the first two clauses, though, which is where I noticed the problem, you don't have that, as far as I can tell. Speaking of the second clause, I also don't understand the connection between it and the first clause. That doesn't mean you have to change the order, but I don't understand why "For one" is there, as it seems to connect the two.

You also switch tenses in the third clause ("got desperate" --> "must be stopped"), and the use of "got desperate" doesn't read well in a semi-formal context—"became desperate" might be a good replacement.

I would go over the proposal again carefully for phrases that don't quite parse well (like "environmental standards of living," which could be "environmental standards" or just plain "environmental beauty," or some more creative phrase).

In sum, this is pretty good, but you need to do work on the writing, if nothing else. I'm not entirely convinced by the case as it stands, though. Granted, I'm one to talk about people who are primarily issues authors having weak cases for commendations. The sports focus helps the case, but is it enough? Would you be able to bring a little bit more of the NS Sports stuff out?

[Fachumonn]

-snip-

Thank you Fauxia!

This definitely needs some proofreading and fixing up. I wanted to go with a slightly different perspective, but I guess that can be a little bit jarring and weird. I will work to fix these tense issues and all that stuff, so thanks!

As for the commendability, I truly believe they are commendable. Writing an issue and getting it accepted is something like 2x as hard as passing a WA draft, and Outer Sparta has 10. Sprinkled in with their stats and sports roleplay, there is a strong case.

As for expanding upon the sports roleplay, it's very hard because that is pretty much most of the main details. Maybe as a narrative commend I should go more roleplay-focused writing, but I also don't have that much space within the character count . I will look into it though, so thanks for the comment.

EDIT: A significant change with the wording of the issues clauses has happened. I don't think I have changed all the tense switching but I think it's alright anyway.

[Aivintis]

The Security Council,

[narrative]

Praising the beautifully illustrated destination that is Outer Sparta, where their many formulated communiques and a willingness to lend out a hand to others who try to accomplish their very feats, and the least that can be done is to offer them some formal recognition in this august body, so

Hereby Commends Outer Sparta.

This is still formatted weirdly. If you want to finish the transition, you can keep everything the same except move "The Security Council" to the bottom, making it something along the lines of:

[narrative, starting from "Outer Sparta has long been"]

The Security Council praises the beautifully illustrated destination that is Outer Sparta, where their many formulated communiques and a willingness to lend out a hand to others who try to accomplish their very feats, and the least that can be done is to offer them some formal recognition in this august body.

Considering these factors, the Security Council hereby commends Outer Sparta.

Edit: Also, there's a stray "Observing" clause that is formatted in the traditional SC format. Again, I recommend you do it ALL in a narrative style, or ALL in the SC style. Don't mix and match. You can change it to "The Security Council observes..." or you can drop the "observing" and say "X is Y" or whatever.

[Fachumonn]

Alright, hopefully stuff has been fixed.

Submission hopefully this weekend. This has been placed on last call. In short, speak now or forever hold your peace.