CAFA 8 - RP Thread

[Vdara]

PUMPED


Markos Moustakakos dejectedly congratulates the Audioslavian players who thoroughly pumped them

Whether it was the weight of expectations, inexperience in this competition, or sheer fear of the Audioslavian brand of post-football, Vdara kicked off their tenth cycle in international competitions with a double-helping of losses to regional titans and CAFA hosts Audioslavia. The Bulls, clearly hoping to open their CAFA campaign with a bang, showed no mercy to a disorganised and seemingly unprepared Vdara side, comfortably dispatching them with a 5-0 blowout. The result, while bad in itself, was made worse further still with the implication that it was Vdara's joint-worst defeat in all competitions since a 6-1 defeat to Equestria in World Cup 84. Evidently, something had gone very wrong behind the scenes, and it was up to the one and only Markos Moustakakos to figure out what.

"What the fuck was that, folks? I mean, honestly. Did yous actually go out there to play football, eh? Cause it didnae fuckin look like it! To me, in my honest opinion, it looked like yous just couldnae be bothered! You all lacked composure, lacked tenacity, and lacked any semblance of hunger - it’s like you went out there to lose! Lads, lasses… is there something I’m missing here? Or, rather, is there something yous are missing? I genuinely can’t tell what, and it’s doing my nut in!”

Pacing back and forth around the dressing room while bobbing his head like a confused bird, you would be forgiven for thinking that Markos had gone insane. Thankfully, he hadn’t - this was just an unusually perplexing reaction.

”Yous have got a chance to redeem yourselves, right? See when we play that mob again? I want to see yous show some fight. I want to see yous putting a shift in, none of this wimpy pish I saw today.”

And ‘show some fight’ they did, putting in a much better performance on the the second time around - despite succumbing to another defeat by the end. The heavy defeat saw them lie bottom of the combined table that came as part of the Helvetica System, but that could all still change due to the sheer volatility of it all - more Wingdings than Helvetica.

[Flavovespia]

Flavovespia 3 - 0 Strayaroos

Flavovespia showed no signs of a World Cup hangover as they beat Strayaroos 3-0. A delighted home crowd in the capital saw the side get CAFA Cup 8 off to a strong start.

It was a fairly familiar starting lineup, with the team having strong ambitions for this tournament. It was a fairly balanced opening 15 minutes, with the trio of Singh, Cole and Bagshaw linking up well, but Cruz Kaiplo testing Nathan Crewe with a quick shot in the edge of the box. However it was the hosts who got the opener. Jonathan Bagshaw made a defensive error pay, intercepting the ball and dashing forward. A shot to the near post bobbled under Thomas Yesek, and rolled over the line, 1-0 after 17 minutes.

The rest of the first half was quite entertaining, Flavovespia attacking well with pace, but Strayaroos having enough at the back to keep themselves in it. Strayaroos had a few spells near the Flavovespian goal, but no chance as strong as Kaiplo’s earlier effort, and one goal was the difference at the break.

A frantic period of 10 minutes starting on the 59th defined the rest of the game. Ade Morgan brought down Jonathan Bagshaw, with a mistimed foot stuck out, giving the hosts a penalty. Michael Cole stepped up, and hit it with power, but Yesek chose right and saved it, to the delight of the visiting fans. The joy was short lived. About 5 minutes later, a Kieron Player corner was whipped in, and Charles Adams rose up to glance the header in, doubling the lead. In the 69th minute, it became 3-0. Amrik Singh fired a diagonal ball through to Jonathan Bagshaw, and one touch was enough to settle him before a shot to score.

On another day, maybe it could’ve been more, maybe it could’ve been less, but in the end, it finished 3-0 with little late drama on the pitch. Flavovespia won comfortably, and would go to the away leg of the opening pairing full of confidence.

Strayaroos 0 - 3 Flavovespia

A reversal of venues, but the same outcome, Flavovespia winning by three goals and keeping a clean sheet. A strong start was cemented with this result, key to get wins away.

It was an unchanged starting 11 from the opener, but it was a slower start for Flavovespia. Strayaroos had plenty of possession and chances in the opening stages. Nathan Crewe was forced to put in a spell of good saves, and Flavovespia had no shots on target until the 21st minute. However, one quick break in the 28th minute changed everything. Nathan Crewe cleared long to Kieron Player, and he plated a quick one-two with Michael Cole. The veterans carved opened the defence, and Kieron Player made no error to chip the advancing Thomas Yesek to open the scoring.

Flavovespia would double their lead right on the brink of half time. Kieron Player had a free kick 22 metres out, and with calmness and composure, curled it around the wall and into the corner, to make it 0-2. For Strayaroos, a big blow, and they seemed unsettled at the start of the second half. This proved costly, as similarly to last game, errors at the back gifted Jonathan Bagshaw an easy chance, and he took it well. 0-3 to Flavovespia, leaving Strayaroos a mountain to climb.

No comeback was on, as Flavovespia defended strongly to see out a second clean sheet. It wasn’t as easy as the scoreline suggested, but the 0-3 victory was earned by Flavovespia striking when the opportunities presented themselves. The Helvetica means tougher matchups if teams do well, so Flavovespia will take on Vilwandia next. Having won 6-2 vs Krytenia in their last outing, Flavovespia know they can’t be underestimated, if Flavovespia want to hold on to their early status as #1 in the standings.

[Ochre Islands]

'Congratulations, Prime Minister!' Willow could only nod back at the jubilant staff behind the scenes at the Bellflower Convention Centre, which sat along the largely dry ditch in which the River Hansyx flowed, seperating Bellflower from West Bellflower. The Hansyx, like most rivers in the Ochres, was of course a seasonal river, and only ever really showed itself when the snows melted in early spring, or during particularly bad storms over the mountain and her plateau in the centre of Mournhow.

Willow sat herself on the windowsill, yawned, and turned to look out across towards the western half of Bellflower, it's own administrative unit, wisely kept separate from the 'Bostopian capital' of New Ranton (now Bellflower to allow the early Ochre Islanders proper chance to build themselves up away from Bostopian oversight of the national council in New Ranton. The Bostopian problem was that they couldn't see the forest for the trees. It served the Ochres well on more than one occasion though - the early Bostopian Movement Foundation for one benefited.

Willow looked out across the sister city of West Bellflower and her thoughts quickly went back to AORTA+. She hoped that it was the landmark achievement it was always meant to be. Freedom of movement across the Anaian nations who were signed up to it. Anaian people free to move from country to country as if it had always been their home. Willow felt sleepy thinking about it, but perhaps this was just the first step in greater Anaian unity.

The irony, though, of the Ochre national team having to travel to Audioslavia to play a home fixture against the Bostopians due to an absolute travel ban at the same time AORTA+ was being debated and signed wasn't lost on her. Hadn't been lost on the fans either, some of whom were aghast that Ochreites would even share a pitch with the Bostopians, let alone actively play football against them. But, still, it was a game the Ochres were definitely fired up for at least.

'I'm going for a quick nap' Willow told Ruby, who had come over to her with a little bit of the bubbly from the bar. 'Could you hold the fort for a little bit for me?' Ruby smiled back at Willow 'of course - I'm in good company' she smiled, holding up the champagne glasses. Willow left the main hall of the convention centre and retired to a side room on the floor above which had been requisitioned as her personal space. She felt a little dizzy, then lay down on the bed. She had achieved so much in so little time. She was allowed to fall asleep.

[United Hawkland]

New Innovation Ranks Teams More Accurately Than Ever Before In Hawkland
Written by Gus Santiago
See also: United Hawkland Fail To Keep Deficit Against Estorvipa and Estorpiva Within Two In Two Matches.
Written by Macaulay Lindsson

A new spreadsheet from FlakeLabs, created almost solely by Andrew McConisson's niece Jane Doumba, can accurately adjust off-season power rankings using only four pieces of information. Jane dedicates the creation to her uncle.
"Love or hate his politics, he's truly boosted the football scene in United Hawkland." She stated mere hours after the creation. "He inspired me to create this magical program."
Using the four pieces of information, you can adjust the main equation to fit the needs of whatever league you are using it for, making it the most versatile rank adjuster there is. It will be being used for all Hawklandian FA power rankings from now on.
If you would like to use this new innovation for your own purposes, you can find it here.

Now for the main story.
In back to back matches against Estorvipa and Estorpiva, we were unable to find the back of the net but once, falling 2-0 and 1-3 respectively. A 36' minute screamer from wonderkid Duane Robledo would equalize game two but Estorian striker Marek Lemish would take the lead back and the Hawklandians wouldn't be able to catch up. In response to the matches, with his job now on the line, Matthew Ludvig had this to say.
"Obviously the results were disappointing. But we were playing a tough squad that were very prepared and they deserve to be two up on the Helvetica Scenario rankings. They were the better team and you cannot put that past them.
Truly a soccer game of all time.

[Audioslavia]

CAFA 8 - Helvetica Scenario Round Two

Matchdays 3 and 4

[Audioslavia]

Round Two

Matchday Three

Ko-oren 1–0 Audioslavia (Scorinated by ESF)
Estorvipa and Estorpiva 3–3 Pyazhnaya
Flavovespia 5–2 Vilwandia
Ochre Islands 1–1 Bostopia
Koronavia 1–2 Mertagne
Huayramarca 7–2 Saint-Jean-Jacques et Burnham-on-Stove
Legalese 2–1 Cardenao
Yesopalitha 3–2 Semarland
Bharadwaja 1–3 Space Laser Dinosaur Robot Pirate Land
Krytenia 4–4 Aleirave
Vdara 2–1 United Hawkland
Strayaroos 3–3 Evermark
Sgr A 0–3 Kimi-Suomi (Scorinated by ESF)

Matchday Four

Audioslavia 0–1 Ko-oren (Scorinated by ESF)
Pyazhnaya 1–2 Estorvipa and Estorpiva
Vilwandia 4–4 Flavovespia
Bostopia 2–4 Ochre Islands
Mertagne 1–1 Koronavia
Saint-Jean-Jacques et Burnham-on-Stove 2–3 Huayramarca
Cardenao 3–0 Legalese
Semarland 0–1 Yesopalitha
Space Laser Dinosaur Robot Pirate Land 1–1 Bharadwaja
Aleirave 1–2 Krytenia
United Hawkland 0–2 Vdara
Evermark 1–0 Strayaroos
Kimi-Suomi 2–1 Sgr A (Scorinated by ESF)

Pld Team                                    Pts  SoO   P   W   D   L   F   A  GD
 1 Ko-oren                                    4   -4   4   4   0   0   5   0   5
 2 Estorvipa and Estorpiva                    3   -2   4   3   1   0  10   5   5
 3 Flavovespia                                3   -4   4   3   1   0  15   6   9
 4 Huayramarca                                3   -5   4   3   1   0  16   8   8
 5 Mertagne                                   2   -2   4   2   2   0   8   5   3
 6 Ochre Islands                              2   -2   4   2   2   0   7   4   3
 7 Yesopalitha                                2   -6   4   3   0   1   8   5   3
 8 Pyazhnaya                                  1    2   4   2   1   1  10   7   3
 9 Kimi-Suomi                                 1   -6   4   2   1   1   6   3   3
10 Audioslavia                                0    4   4   2   0   2   7   3   4
11 Vilwandia                                  0    4   4   1   2   1  12  11   1
12 Bostopia                                   0    2   4   1   2   1  11   9   2
13 Koronavia                                  0    2   4   1   2   1   4   4   0
14 Cardenao                                   0    0   4   2   0   2   9   7   2
15 Legalese                                   0    0   4   2   0   2   5   8  -3
16 Space Laser Dinosaur Robot Pirate Land     0   -2   4   1   2   1   7   7   0
17 Krytenia                                   0   -2   4   1   2   1   8  11  -3
18 Vdara                                      0   -4   4   2   0   2   5   8  -3
19 Evermark                                  -1   -2   4   1   1   2   6   9  -3
20 Saint-Jean-Jacques et Burnham-on-Stove    -2    6   4   1   0   3   9  15  -6
21 Aleirave                                  -2    2   4   0   2   2   9  14  -5
22 Bharadwaja                                -2    1   4   0   2   2   6  10  -4
23 Semarland                                 -3    6   4   0   1   3   3   6  -3
24 Strayaroos                                -3    2   4   0   1   3   3  10  -7
25 Sgr A                                     -4    6   4   0   0   4   1   8  -7
26 United Hawkland                           -4    4   4   0   0   4   2   9  -7

Round 3 Fixtures (Matchday 5, Matchday 6)
(1) Ko-oren vs Huayramarca (4)
(4) Huayramarca vs Ko-oren (1)

(3) Flavovespia vs Estorvipa and Estorpiva (2)
(2) Estorvipa and Estorpiva vs Flavovespia (3)

(7) Yesopalitha vs Ochre Islands (6)
(6) Ochre Islands vs Yesopalitha (7)

(5) Mertagne vs Cardenao (14)
(9) Kimi-Suomi vs Legalese (15)
(8) Pyazhnaya vs Space Laser Dinosaur Robot Pirate Land (16)
(18) Vdara vs Krytenia (17)
(17) Krytenia vs Vdara (18)
(16) Space Laser Dinosaur Robot Pirate Land vs Pyazhnaya (8)
(15) Legalese vs Kimi-Suomi (9)
(14) Cardenao vs Mertagne (5)

(13) Koronavia vs Bostopia (12)
(12) Bostopia vs Koronavia (13)

(11) Vilwandia vs Audioslavia (10)
(10) Audioslavia vs Vilwandia (11)

(19) Evermark vs Bharadwaja (22)
(22) Bharadwaja vs Evermark (19)

(21) Aleirave vs Sgr A (25)
(20) Saint-Jean-Jacques et Burnham-on-Stove vs United Hawkland (26)
(24) Strayaroos vs Semarland (23)
(23) Semarland vs Strayaroos (24)
(26) United Hawkland vs Saint-Jean-Jacques et Burnham-on-Stove (20)
(25) Sgr A vs Aleirave (21)

EDIT: The same fixture error from the last matchday has been spotted, and fixed, in the fixtures above. Mertagne and Ochre Islands's positions have been swapped to correctly match their seeding

[Audioslavia]

A slightly delayed prompt. Like the first one, it is entirely optional

Round Three

RP Prompt

Round Three of the CAFA Cup coincides with the tenth anniversary of the inaugural LigAnaia, with the earliest mention of 'Anaia' coming just a couple of weeks earlier. The Anaian brotherhood would only grow from that moment on.

This matchday's prompt is to include a nod to the answer of one of these questions: When did your people first find out what an Anaia was, and when did they first feel like the word applied to them?

[Ko-oren]

There are few things as satisfying as a new Audio versus Ko-oren album, but we've made a short list:

1) Two Audio versus Ko-oren albums
2) Beating Audioslavia's national football team
3) Beating Audioslavia's national football team twice
4) Beating Audioslavia's national football team 1-0
5) Beating Audioslavia's national football team 1-0 twice
6) Being first in the CAFA overall table
7) Not conceding in four CAFA Cup games
8) Being first in the CAFA overall table and not conceding while getting there
9) BEATING AUDIOSLAVIA 1-0 TWICE AND BEING FIRST IN THE CAFA AND NOT CONCEDING BUT THERE'S ALSO TWO NEW AUDIO VERSUS KO-OREN ALBUMS OH MY AKJSFLDYTEIUYKLJHGCXLKTYXIUTILEYTAGUTSYJGDCUY6KJACEHABSCGIUWEII

---

A new question on the national census: please rank your identities from 'applies most to me' to 'doesn't apply to me', with the choices being 'Anaian', 'Ko-orenite', 'foreign, national', 'subdivision' (eg. Shahrigarihn, Mahrkioren), 'region' (eg. Ethogahrug, Razahne, Ehlenor), 'city', 'suburb', and 'foreign, subnational' with delightfully little input sanitisation to allow for as many answers as possible - as long as at least one of the identity categories are ranked. There are eight, but plenty of people have not used 'foreign, national' for instance. For those of us who moved to Ko-oren, it's still an important category to track.

Ko-orenite
Nearly everyone used this identity in their ranking, and often it appeared in the top two. A few regions stand out: towns around the Capitals frequently put this category in first place, and it wasn't uncommon for people to not even include a runner-up. The category was strong throughout the mainland, from the capitals down through the densely populated middle and south, where city identities were often included but where identifying with your subdivision was very rare. Mahrkioren - the narrow northeastern part - was also big on using 'Ko-orenite' to describe themselves, but they nearly always included their subdivision in the top three, as well as a city or region. The further out you go from the political centre, the weaker this category becomes, but even in the furthest stretches of the archipelago it remains strong.

Foreign, National
This one was mostly used in cities, in cases where a single nationality occurs often. Banijans in Shemurdar, for instance, or various Anaian nationalities in towns along the south coast or southern bay coast. The Capitals also featured this, with a fairly large foreign workforce as well as a decent population of officials.

Foreign, Subnational
This one was by far the least used, and only in cases where people who used the category above to further specify from what bit of Banija, Mertagne, Huayramarca, etc, they were. While amazingly interesting to sociologists from those countries (and our own), there's little sense that can be made without further knowledge of those places.

Subdivision
Where subdivisions haven't changed much since ancient times - Mahrkioren up north is an example we've already given you - this category was somewhat strong. Far southwest Orental (the Domains) and Mauroren (Mawryshire) both used this one as often as the 'Ko-orenite' tag. Gahrugkothisians (Finisterrans) also liked this one, as did inhabitants of the eastern islands, both Yoshiman and Aerellen. These are fairly far removed from the centre of politics, but also have strong historic ties to the area and those areas have not been superceded by more recent subdivision rearrangements. In cases where regions and areas have been merged or divided by later political decisions, we find the following:

Region
This one was used by many, across the entire archipelago, if there was no tie to a city. In many areas it didn't push up to the top two, but there were some important exceptions. Razahne - the fiercely Gehrennic part just northwest of the capitals, renowned for its breathtaking forest and lake views, but also the many ruins of classical settlements, according to some the philosophical homeland of the Ko-orenite state - was even named by people not near the area, but ties to nationalist movements may explain part of that. Hobathin, featuring more gorgeous landscapes in between a chain of towns in a long valley up in Mahrkioren, was also on the list. For more cultural ties, Ethogahrug (Eden) on the south bay coast was specified to mean that these people might be from what's historically Amahne turf, they're certainly not from there. The same goes for Thalkakel Zoshelgo - historically suppliers of everything needed by large cities like Garihnkatar, they're proud of their area and are looking for ways to define it clearly without saying 'it's NOT x'. Other often used regions are northeastern: Lendo, Lunau, Noruk, Jopah, Hilthir, Hazal, Ambur - names of rivers and corresponding estuaries. The further north you go, the further apart people live, and the less useful overarching subdivision names become.

City
Look at any city in the top 30 or so by population, and they will be used fairly frequently. They persist for people who grew up in one place but have since moved elsewhere. Particularly strong city identities appear in Amahne (Aminey) and Katahshi (Katashi).

Suburb
This category was included for those that thought living in one of the top 10-ish cities wasn't granular enough, but in practice only few actually used this tag.

Anaian
Mostly used in cities with strong ties to the global economy - the capitals, the harbours of Garihnkatar and Katahshi, the airport of Ilohbonu, defence in Thelesra, universities in Erpuhhur (Furune). The decision to become part of the Anaian treaties and frameworks was primarily a political decision and at the time not that well received at large - not that Atlantian Oceania was that strong an identity, but after generations, being AO-ian was practically assumed. Ties to Anaia are quickly becoming more important and the region's strong visual identity is very well recognised and received, but perhaps there's not a lot of day-to-day interaction with the region yet. As our economy becomes more entangled with the region's, this will change.

There is an obvious shift towards the label since the conflicts in the Ochre Islands and on Calania, as people feel more strongly than ever that Anaia represents some values that deserve protection from malicious influences, such as the Bostopian government's.

[Mertagne]

'AORTA+' SETS TO GIVE MERTAGNE A SHOT IN THE ARM DURING LETHARGIC POST-WAR ECONOMY
This week at the Bellflower Convention Centre in the Ochre Islands, several Anaian nations have been signatory to an agreement that upgrades Mertagne’s place within the Anaian Open Reciprocal Travel Area - AORTA, to ACORN, which guarantees freedom of movement and the right to work in 11 new nations as of next spring. Writing for Inkblot Magazine, political columnist Feldon Chatterton reports on the buzz from the ground as the Bellflower Agreement is ratified.

Bellflower’s Convention Centre has proven to be a fruitful locale when it comes to international cooperation. Delegates from a plethora of Anaian nations have come together to discuss the terms of and sign onto a new framework, known as the Anaian Community of Representative Nations (ACORN) which had been spearheaded by organisers in the Ochre Islands and keenly picked up by the Mertagnians. From my spot at the bar (mine’s a Whiskey Sour, served in a rocks glass with a maraschino cherry to garnish and for me to impulsively eat far too early) I can spot delegations of all types intermingling - Ko-orenites and Flavovespians lording the latest football results over the rest of us, Hawklanders looking to cut a deal with anyone that shows an interest, and a few members of the Audioslavian delegation that were definitely here for the booze, and the booze related opportunities that might come from being able to come to work with a hangover in 11 new countries.

The ambitions that the Ochre Islander masterminds had for this project were similar in scope to Mertagne’s - there is a great need for labour in the wake of the war, and increasing freedom of movement has been known to be a surefire way to help plug that gap. An aggressive immigration policy is nothing new to our fair nation of Mertagne, founded and built by many waves of migrants, and it’s likely hopeful that those that wish to take advantage of ACORN will find themselves the next part of the great social tapestry that the nation is trying its hardest to knit together in the wake of the Bostopian Conflict.

Brandon Hope’s government - a bunch of social democrats from the Workers Unions of Mertagne (WUM) in the legislature and an executive that deliberately sought out dissenting opinions to court a political centre that was rapidly bolstering his opponents - is likely hopeful that by signing this agreement, the Mertagnian people will be able to get just as much out of access to nations such as Vilwandia that the Vilwandians are able to get out of access to us. One key factor of Mertagne joining ACORN that the delegates are keen to announce is that it is certain to bolster ties with neighbours such as Krytenia - a market that Mertagne has always keen to gain more access to.

The benefits of ACORN are, frankly, huge for the nation at a time like this. While AORTA has proven to be incredibly useful when travelling to other nations already, the prospect of being able to work, live, and even retire anywhere across these nations allows for the people to find work that suits them in a location that suits them too. The economic integration of these countries also paves the way for less bureaucracy when importing and exporting goods, meaning that your favourite Cardenaoan cheeses will cost you less to get shipped, and Mertagne will be able to sell its favourite cheeses for a better profit margin. That’s pretty grate, if I do say so myself.

Furthermore, in a time when the nation is looking to ratify a peace deal with Bostopia, having other nations suddenly very interested in our internal security, lest they fall afoul of activity from bad actors, is a decent deterrent from any untoward action by anti-Mertagnian sympathisers. The information that is likely to be gained from a need to share things such as criminal databases will go a long way towards deterring and preventing international crime.

Many detractors of Mertagne’s ratification of ACORN have expressed their concerns, however, on the effective policing of the ACORN external border. Encompassing 12 nations, many of which do not share land borders, will mean that another queue is likely to be added at airports, seaports, and external border crossings, in addition to the many that already exist for exemptions such as AORTA, the SARIMEA common policy, and more. In these areas, bureaucracy will actually increase for some, and critics have raised worries that there are likely to be several weak points in this common external border that bad actors are likely to exploit. Member nations here in Bellflower have agreed in some form or another to lend their expertise, with Ko-oren stepping up support to tackle international smuggling, in tandem with their efforts with non ACORN member Huayramarca. There is worry that these operations will be stretched too thin under the agreement, and it is likely that it will take a concerted effort from all 12 nations to ensure that the benefits of ACORN are not abused.

An additional worry within the Mertagnian camp specifically is that ACORN could leverage regional inequalities further. It’s no secret that of the Bekkside nations, Mertagne is below the average in many metrics, due in no small part to its more recent and turbulent history in comparison to every other nation, which is significantly older (even Bostopia -- it’s always been in Anaia, of course). The freedom of movement has presented the worry of another ‘brain drain’, that could see Mertagnian businesses priced out of the market when forced to compete with industry leaders such as Krytenia and Audioslavia.

In the National Forum, the Workers Unions of Mertagne have been embroiled in a factionalist disagreement in regards to ACORN, with some claiming that this will make Mertagne less competitive on the world stage, and others claiming that it will help expose some of the issues in the post-Charter government reform project and allow those to be fixed. Nevertheless, Brandon Hope’s policy team here in Bellflower (which he himself is not a part of due to ongoing Bostopian peace talks) have embraced the agreement with an almost infectious positivity, espousing the benefits that will come with the potential of having foreign-driven business, such as local example ‘Crazy Craig’s’ (an interesting culinary experience) in every town.

Many of the ACORN nations are hopeful that a successful first year of this agreement will encourage other nations to join, and several key targets have been identified. While all will be looking to Starblaydia to see if they wish to leverage their juggernaut of an economy into this experiment in integration, other key nations such as New Gesem and Huayramarca on the Calanian continent alone would make for key additions that would bolster the security of the border firmly around the Ocean of Ayes.

Mertagne’s area of focus in the wake of ACORN membership seems to be, from my observations across the talks, to foster closer ties to Krytenia and United Hawkland, our closest geographical neighbours in the agreement. The governments of Mertagne and the Ochre Islands already have a bond through blood, and it will be through that heartbeat that Mertagne enjoys closer ties with the rest of the ACORN nations. One to watch, however, will be Mertagne’s relationship with Cardenao. The two nations’ governments seem to regard each other with a watchful eye, shaking hands but keeping a knife behind their back just in case. In a multi-polar region, ACORN might do well to assuage some of the worries that the National Forum seems to have about the blue-and-gold nation - especially as President Mihaly’s lack of presence in Bellflower this week was felt as keenly as Brandon Hope’s.

ACORN in all seems like a difficult agreement to enforce, but a necessary one in the face of ramping regional aggression. The benefits it is likely to bring could hugely outweigh the negatives, but I’m of the opinion that nations will need to be careful not to give themselves wholly to the ACORN machine - lest they can’t spot the forest for the trees and fail to squirrel away their sovereignty.

[Audioslavia]

Audio Versus Ko-oren Make Triumphant Return
New album tells story of successive Audioslavian 0-1 defeats to Ko-oren

AvK-o have been on something of a hiatus since the release of Flies Against, with its uncompromising fourteen-minute cadette-only single Post Football Steals Your Home (Railroad Railroad Railroad Railroad)’. There were rumours of infighting, with two members supposedly violently disagreeing about the album’s twenty-four minute 11/8 reverb-laden samba-folk-dubstep track Banter the Dragon and whether the use of a V chord on the fourth bridge implied the band were becoming ‘too pop’. Other rumours contend that the argument instead stemmed from a comment that they should make the fourth bridge as boring as possible, as by the time they’d finished adding colour to it, it’d be time to colour it again.

There can be no accusations of selling out with their newest release, double-album The Helvetica Scenario I and II.

Opening track Aminey, Day brings to mind the uncompromising sonic hedgehogs of The Thudding Sound of Knocking And Muffled Shouts Of Sirs, Your Shifting Textures And Harmonic Minor Chord Progressions Are Disturbing Our Guests. from the album For All The Marbles, recorded shortly before the third CAFA Cup final.

As with Songs From the Terraces, crowd noises have been recorded, such as on yMorcanmac, You Bellend, What Was That, the short closer to the first disc of the double-album that tells the story of Maelfin yMorcanmac's poorly executed injury-time corner-flag blockade at the end of game one.

Fans of debut albums Wrestling: Interrupted, Take Me to the Boat and We Fell From Concord Heights will be confused, which is a common result of listening to those three albums.

The stand-out track is Obstruction, which tells the story of first first ten minutes of game one, wherein Audioslavia took the treasonous decision of trying to come out and actually play football, doing things like 'running forward' and 'playing long, cross-field passes at the halfway line' and 'attempting flying volleys'. It tells of Audioslavian striker Kjartan Lúnquerque latching onto a bouncing ball, controlling it, and sending a shot past the keeper, and off the bar, after twelve minutes.

Obstruction

This is based on the 1971 Chico Buarque song Construçao, a song which tells one story from three perspectives. It does so by fitting together events of the story (first six/eight syllables of every line) with a metaphor (final six/eight syllables of every line, always ending with a three-syllable word with the stress on the first syllable). All of the song is ‘constructed’ from these building blocks. The original version refers to

I’ve tried to do the same thing, in English, with the events of a football game. The only translation of ‘Como se fosse’ that has the same amount of syllables is ‘as if he/they/it were’, which is fine but, as with anything going from Brazil to English, it loses a bit of rhythm in translation.

The song below omits the final section, Deus lhe Pague, despite it being the best part of the original song.

Original version (Portuguese lyrics)
Original version (English translation)

They studied their instructions as if they were musical
They took to their positions as if they were logical
Team-mate after team-mate as if they were elephants
Wearing claret, black and green as if they were all Cormorants

The whistle blew as if it were another Saturday
Their hearts electrifying as if they were batteries
And tackle after tackle as if they were tactical
Pressing further forward as if they were magical.

The crowd all rise as one as if the cross were excellent.
His touch is delicate, as if the man were elegant
Composes and he poses as he hits an exocet
It trickles off the bar as if it were an alcohol

—

They listened to instructions as if they were elephants
They took to their positions as if they were cormorants
Team-mate after team-mate as if they were excellent
In claret, black and green like that were somehow elegant

The whistle blew and sounded like it were an exocet
Their hearts electrifying as if there were alcohol
And tackle after tackle as if it were battery
Pressing further forward as if it were Saturday.

The crowd applaud the pass like it was something tactical.
His touch is delicate as if the man were magical
He poses and composes as if he were logical
He drops it on the bar like it were something musical.

—

They listened to instructions as if they were logical
They took to their positions as if they were tactical
Team-mate after team-mate like they were on alcohol
Claret black and green, like they were fucking excellent

The whistle blew and sounded as if it were battery
Their hearts electrifying as if they were magical
And tackle after tackle as if they were elephants
And pressing further forward as if they were Cormorants.

They crowd all cheer the cross as if it were a Saturday
He controls it and he poses as if he were elegant
He poses and composes as if he were musical
And goes and strikes a bar as if it were an exocet

[Flavovespia]

Flavovespia 5 - 2 Vilwandia

A feast of goals in Hadford Hill, as Flavovespia ran out 5-2 winners vs Vilwandia. The visitors were spirited and attacking, but it cost them dearly at the back. Unlike opening two games, Flavovespia started well here, putting Vilwandia under plenty of pressure. That pressure delivered a goal in the 8th minute. Jonathan Bagshaw put in the cross, it took a deflection and on the half volley, Michael Cole steered it past Ade Petersen and in. Flavovespia had the wind beneath their wings, and doubled the lead in the 23rd minute. Jonathan Bagshaw made a solo run, and from around 12 metres out, shot low and well, and found the net.

Vilwandia weren’t going down without a fight, and got one back in the 39th minute. This, a corner whipped in, and Jerome Sib and headed in, having shaken off Paul Taylor. Flavovespia’s first gosl conceded this tournament, it was nervy until the break. Into the second half and despite Vilwandia starting better, it was Flavovespia who found a 3rd goal. A quick break saw Amrik Singh go down the left wing, before pulling the ball back. Michael Cole got there and slotted it in, scoring his second of the game. Then came some frantic moments. Marieke Rautenbach made a quick break, giving Stan Scott-Wilson the slip, before a great shot to beat Nathan Crewe with pace. Hopes of a comeback though took a big blow, when an Amrik Singh shot was parried by Petersen straight to Jonathan Bagshaw, who made absolutely no mistake.

The dying minutes saw Vilwandia through players forward, but couldn’t find that one key chance. Both Richard Storrie and Roger Burden came on for their debuts, and helped limit the danger on the wings. Then, in injury time, a Flavovespia free kick saw Christopher Hill step up, and score direct from over 25 metres out. A spectacular goal, he further writes his name down as a potential Flavovespian star of the future. 5-2 it finished, entertainment all around, but another three goal victory for Flavovespia.

Vilwandia 4 - 4 Flavovespia

It was a hat trick for Jonathan Bagshaw, but even that wasn’t enough as Vilwandia staged a great comeback in a 4-4 draw. Fans got their money’s worth in another thrilling battle between these two sides. It wasn’t even 90 seconds before the opening goal of the game. Kieron Player’s angled, lofted through ball found Jonathan Bagshaw making a great run. Bagshaw took the ball in stride, and it it well into the top corner, leaving the goalkeeper no chance. After a spell of calmness, it was all action from the 20th minute onwards. Firstly, Michael Cole scuffed a great chance, only for the clearance to be equally as poor. Amrik Singh pounced, and scored into an almost empty goal. Just 2 minutes later, Jonathan Bagshaw scored his second, this a header from Stan Scott-Wilson’s early cross to the back post. Stan Scott-Wilson would go from hero to zero, mere minutes later, he fouled Marieke Rautenbach just inside the box. Nathan Crewe dived the wrong way at the penalty, and it was 1-3. Just after half an hour played, and Jonathan Bagshaw had a hat trick. Kieron Player’s free kick was curled in, and on the volley, Bagshaw got enough on the ball to find the net, 1-4 it was and he had 3 of those. However before the half was done, Marieke Rautenbach found the net themselves, and 2-4 was the half time score.

Vilwandia gave themselves a great chance of avoiding defeat early in the second half. A defensive lapse let Piet Heisen into the box under little pressure, and his finish was calm and composed. Flavovespia had just under 40 minutes to hold on. For a lot of it, it seemed they would, but with 83 minutes on the clock, the equaliser. Vilwandia attacked with pace and numbers, and it overwhelmed Flavovespia. Christien Vermaak got the goal with a shot inside the near post, Nathan Crewe making a slight error in positioning, and paying for it. There were no more heroics despite a fair few attacks in the last minutes, and thus it finished 4-4. Another great game, but Flavovespia will feel they really let it slip after leading 1-4. Currently 3rd, Estorvipa and Estorpiva are the next opponents for Flavovespia. If they can get 2 wins, as tough as that will be, they’ll guarantee a spot in Audioslavia for the knockout stages.

[Saint-Jean-Jacques et Burnham-on-Stove]

Saint-Jean-Jacques et Burnham-on-Stove loses home and away series against Huayramarca

Burnham-on-Stove - On matchday 3, the Tapirs travelled north to Huayramarca, which is considered one of the best Anaian football nation. They're actually 1st in CAFA rankings. The trip was really exhausting and seats in the press box were so comfy, I fell asleep for almost the entire game. The score was 7-1 and the Jean-Jacquois and Burnhamese attacked at the 87th minute when Ashton Gockley made a cross to Louis-Philippe Berlinguette who kicks it and it's a goal. The final score is 7-2 for Huayramarca.

Both teams travelled to Burmham-on-Stove for the 2nd game. Thousands of protesters were outside the stadium claiming Burnham-on-Stove was build on " stolen Aztec land " or "unceded Aztec territory ". Renato Ramirez De Jesus was suspended for having a red card on matchday 3 and Nathan McCaskill replaced him in the starting XI, and there was three McCaskills in the starting XI: Nathan at central defence and Scarlett and Alyssa both at side midfielder. The Condors attacked first, at the 15th minute, when Abraham Mendoza made a short pass to Bryan Tello who kicks it and it's a goal. The Tapirs tied the game at the 33rd minute when Nathan Fauteux-McGrath kicks a corner kick in the penalty area and Tristan Gibouleau-Beaudoin heads the ball into the net. Saint-Jean-Jacques et Burnham-on-Stove took the lead at the 39th minute when Scarlett McCaskill made a header pass to Allie O'Hara who heads it into the net. The score was 2-1 Tapirs at halftime. The Condors attacked at the 66th minute when Ian Mamani made a cross to Gabriel Sayritupac who heads it into the net and the game is tied at 2-2. At the 90 +2 minute, Kevin Quispe made a long pass to Gabriel Sayritupac who dribbles and kicks the ball. It's a goal and Huayramarca won 3-2.

Saint-Jean-Jacques et Burnham-on-Stove lost their two games against Huayramarca and have -2 points. On matchdays 5 and 6, the Tapirs will play against United Hawkland. Matchday 5 will be played at the National Sports Complex in Saint-Jean-Jacques-sur-Mer. Renato Ramirez De Jesus will be back in the starting XI after having a one game ban. However, Félix Bourguignon is injured and will miss matchdays 5 and 6. Nathan Bourguignon will replace him in the starting XI.

Time          Goalscorer              Assister
15th minute   Bryan Tello             Abraham Mendoza
33rd minute   Tristan Gibouleau-Beaudoin
39th minute   Allie O'Hara            Scarlett McCaskill
66th minute   Gabriel Sayritupac      Ian Mamani
90 + 2 minute Gabriel Sayritupac      Kevin Quispe

Paul-André Veilleux

[Estorvipa and Estorpiva]

“Mr. Yevgrafov, Mr. Kryvoshapka is here to see you again.”

Yefrem Anatolyevich Yevgrafov, president of the Football Federation of the Federal Republic of Estorvipa and Estorpiva, sighed in disbelief upon hearing the bad news. “Very well, bring him in,” he said in an exasperated tone before rubbing his temples in a circular motion to ease himself. As soon as the doors to his office opened, Yevgrafov put down his hands and put on a smile which he hoped would finally put it across that he really wasn’t that glad to be having this meeting yet again.

“Good morning, Yefrem Anatolyevich,” said the new arrival, Oleh Illich Kryvoshapka, majority owner of Futbolnyi Klub Mamai Ihorivtsi, champions of the inaugural season of the Federal Top League of the Federal Republic as he sat down in front of Yevgrafov. Kryvoshapka’s mood was in complete and direct contrast to Yevgrafov’s: where the president of the FFFR was trying his best not to just shout at his guest to go away, Kryvoshapka looked like he was perfectly happy and content to just be in the former’s office again.

“I was going to ask you what you would like to talk about now, Oleh Illich, but I have a feeling that I already know what you’re going to tell me,” Yevgrafov said.

“So, have you thought about it? Have you thought about my offer?” Kryvoshapka asked.

“Believe it or not, Oleh, I have actually thought about your offer,” Yevgrafov replied, the forced grin on his face now slipping into a more natural half-frown. “And, after deliberating on it for the entirety of last night, during which I was unable to go to sleep at all because of how much I was thinking about it, I have now come to the decision that I am still rejecting your offer.”

“Come on now, Yefrem!” Kryvoshapka cried out. “What’s wrong with my team’s stadium? What do Spartak and Bordeianu have that the Mamayevsky doesn’t?”

“For one, Oleh, both the Spartak and the Bordeianu actually look like football stadiums at the moment,” Yevgrafov countered. “Meanwhile, last I remembered, there was still a crater next to one of the penalty spots in your team’s stadium.”

“I just had that crater filled in last week!” Kryvoshapka retorted. “Clearly, you haven’t been listening at all to my offer because if you were listening, you would have known that the Mamayevsky Stadium finally has a flat and level pitch once again!”

“You’re not listening to me, Oleh!” Yevgrafov said loudly. “It’s not just about the condition of the pitch that we’re talking about here! It’s about the image that we, the entire Federal Republic, is trying to present to the rest of Anaia right now!”

“And what is that then, Yefrem? What is the Federal Republic trying to present to the rest of Anaia?” Kryvoshapka asked skeptically.

“We’re trying to present a country that’s recovered from the ravages of a devastating civil war,” Yevgrafov replied in a tone that one would use while trying to teach a child about shapes or colors. “And, like it or not, Oleh, the Mamayevsky looks like it’s still in the middle of a bloody war.”

“And the Spartak Stadium doesn’t?” Kryvoshapka retorted again. “Have you seen what that soulless toilet bowl looks like now? How can you convince yourself that a stadium that had one of its stands literally collapse in on itself be a better and more deserving candidate to host the national team’s matches than the glorious Mamayevsky Stadium? All right, I will concede that Spartak can seat more people than Mamayevsky even with their collapsed stand, but aside from that, what does that place have that mine doesn’t?”

“Fine, Oleh. You want a straight answer out of me?” Yevgrafov said. “Yes, you’re right. Spartak Stadium does have a collapsed stand. But guess what? It’s just one stand! Aside from that, the rest of the stadium is still usable, safe, and actually looks like a stadium on a broadcast. Mamayevsky on the other hand… You literally have missing seats everywhere. Bullet holes, graffiti from both the occupation and liberation forces, I think I’ve even seen blood stains on the support beams, cantilevers, whatever you call those things. Mamayevsky doesn’t look like a stadium right now. It looks like a war zone. In fact, it’s a damn miracle the federation even allows Mamai to play there for the Top League.”

“Four hundred thousand lei is a high price for a miracle, Yefrem,” Kryvoshapka muttered with a knowing nod. “Or should I make that five hundred thousand lei?”

“Knock it off, Oleh,” Yevgrafov muttered, and this time he didn’t bother hiding the fact that meeting with Kryvoshapka was making his head hurt. “If you’re really determined to have the national team play at least one game at the Mamayevsky, you know what you should have done. In fact, you should have already done it when the Top League started. The Federation gives 60 percent of the funds needed by the clubs to repair their home stadia or build new ones, but it’s up to the club owners to come up the other 40 percent, stump it up even. Oleh, you’re lucky that we still haven’t got a second tier up and running, or else your club would have been relegated for administrative reasons because you haven’t got off of your ass to fix your stadium.”

“CAFA didn’t seem to mind when we played in LigAnaia,” Kryvoshapka said weakly. “IFCF didn’t look like they minded too.”

“CAFA and the rest of Anaia are weirdos, Oleh,” Yevgrafov exclaimed. “I don’t know how or why Estoria ended up being in Anaia along with all of these weird countries with their weird tournaments and their weird conflicts. Have you seen how confusing the LigAnaia is? No, that’s a stupid question for me to ask. You haven’t seen anything as well because Mamai only lasted for all of one round before getting knocked out of it. Now, this is going to be the last time that I’m going to say this: fix your stadium, or else it will never be in contention for hosting a single national team match.”

“All right, very well,” Kryvoshapka said after a few moments. “I can take a hint. I know when I’m not wanted. You want me to fix my stadium, Yefrem? Fine. I’ll fix my stadium. In fact, I’ll fix it so much, by the time your inspection team comes looking around for more stadiums to host the national team, they won’t even recognize the Mamayevsky. And then you will be begging me to let the national team play in my stadium, and when that time comes, I’ll probably also think long and hard about letting the federation borrow my stadium.”

“Da, you go on ahead and do that,” Yevgrafov said in a highly skeptical tone. Kryvoshapka got up from his seat in a huff, and he buttoned up his suit before turning around to leave. But just as the other man was about to open the door, Yevgrafov called out, “How’s your daughter doing, Oleh? How is Lyudmyla?”

“She’s doing fine,” Kryvoshapka replied. “She’s been very happy these past few days. Her job has been treating her well, especially yesterday.”

“Indeed,” Yevgrafov nodded. “Give her my thanks, and my congratulations.”

Kryvoshapka didn’t say anything after that. Instead, he opened the door and left Yevgrafov’s office. A few moments later, which Yevgrafov assumed was the amount of time that Kryvoshapka took to walk past his secretary, his phone rang again. “Mr. Yevgrafov, the ownership group from Niu-Batgeyt is here.”

“Bring them in please,” Yevgrafov said. Now this was a meeting which he was actually looking forward to having.

  ESTORVIPA AND ESTORPIVA 3 - 3 PYAZHNAYA                
        LEMISH (40', 79')       BOGOLYUBSKIY (15', 32')
        ATANACKOVIC (63')       STEZHENSKAYA (50')

          PYAZHNAYA 1 - 2 ESTORVIPA AND ESTORPIVA  
  RETYUNSKIKH (67')       ROBERTO (30')
                          KRYVOSHAPKA (85')

[Kimi-Suomi]

Football. Forget the rules. I'm sorry, what? FORGET THEM.
YOU ARE ABOUT TO ENTER THE HELVETICA SCENARIO.
IN THIS PLACE, A WIN SCORES 1 POINT AND A LOSS TAKES A POINT AWAY - WITH DRAWS LEAVING EVERYONE WITH NOTHING.
YOUR MISSION IS SIMPLE: SCORE MORE THAN ZERO TO ADVANCE INTO THE KNOCKOUT STAGE.
YOU HAVE 10 GAMES, AGAINST 5 OPPONENTS, TO COMPLETE THIS MISSION. EACH 'LEG' AGAINST AN OPPONENT COUNTS INDIVIDUALLY.
GOOD LUCK.

---

The opening salvos of our Anaian era saw us lose one and draw one, meaning we have 8 games to try and score at least 2 points and make the knockouts of this Helvetica Scenario. Our move to Anaia before the last WC made some over there question our relationship with the region, our relationship with our new home...but our relationship is pretty simple. When we joined the WCC, we joined initially as members of AO long after the Foxchester Declaration created Anaia out of the blue. In AO, we knew that Anaia existed and why they existed but never fully delved into the lore while we focused on AOCAF and other regional things. But then things changed and the leadership within that region was exposed as false captains who were leading the whole thing towards disaster...kinda like an IRL collegiate conference that used to number 12. With that, we decided that the ideals of Foxchester required a deeper dive and with that, we got our ticket to Anaia. We never intended to jump ship. In fact, we took part in what turned out to be the final AOCAF two years ago. But when the time came, we felt this decision was the right one...and soon enough, AO would give way to Arrosia. That is how we arrived here and while we may not be the ideal Anaian, we are Anaian all the same...and with that, let's play some ball.

Jousimies A*. Saggitarius A*. Sgr A. Whatever you decide to call this team that represents a star system claimed by an Audioslavian professor via a loophole that is now actively recognised as an Ausioslavian dependency, that was who we were playing next. Glassbridge Stadium in Cathair would host the 1st match as we don't expect a black hole can harbour life and if you're wondering what team we were playing, it was a system wherein anyone playing in the 3rd tier in Audioslavia or below can request a Sgr A passport to play for this team. So it was pretty much a full-fledged national team against an Audioslavian 3rd Tier All-Star Team...and the result of this "1st Leg" kinda reflected this fact. You see, Esko Laaksonen didn't want to be on -1 for long and as such, we had no choice but to sweep this black hole aside...kinda like the body itself. Teemu Räikkönen got the 1st, Mika Noronen made it 2 before halftime, Jyrki Bottas made it 3, Dominic Borelli wasn't having fun at all and that was that. A 3-0 triumph that got us back to 0 points...and who knew we would be happy to say we had 0 points.

The "2nd Leg" would be going down back at ours in Lumikukkulat and this time, the crowd certainly didn't want a 0-0 draw this time around and especially against a Black Hole of all things. No, they wanted to ensure we were in the positive this time...and you know what, we did. Sure, things got off to the worst start with Luca Cataldo being allowed a goal after only 6 minutes, but we recovered quickly and we wouldn't let that mistake happen again. Karl Leif Svonsson arrived in style in the 2nd half with two goals within 10 minutes and that would be all we needed. 2-1. 1 point on the board.

The fact we are happy to just have 1 point goes to show the lengths this format puts you through...and we love it. Legalese, #19 in the region, is up next in Pesä and in Okerson. We're doing what we need to do right now...but we have to keep going. NOSTA KUIN HUUHKAJAT!

---

SCHEDULE (The Helvetica Scenario)
MD1: @Okkerisaaret [Ochre Islands] (4) - Breakerview National Athletics Arena, Bellflower L 1-2 (-1 Point)
MD2: vs Okkerisaaret [Ochre Islands] (4) - The Nest (Pesä), Kimi Kaupunki D 0-0 (-1 Point)
MD3: @Jousimies A* [Saggitarius A*/Sgr A] (UR) - Glassbridge Stadium, Cathair (neutral site?) W 3-0 (0 Points)
MD4: vs Jousimies A* [Saggitarius A*/Sgr A] (UR) - Galaktien Colosseum (Colosseum of the Galaxies), Lumikukkulat W 2-1 (1 Point)
MD5: vs Legalese (19) - The Nest (Pesä), Kimi Kaupunki
MD6: @Legalese (19) - Mallahar International Stadium, Okerson

[Vilwandia]

As AORTA+ discussions continue in Bellflower, it begs the question of how Vilwandians see themselves in the wider international community. Before the the days of opening up to the world, most in Vilwandia referred to the landmasses immediately around them as "Umhlaba" (literally "the world"), and for a long period of time it was assumed that Anaia was all there was. There were some expeditions to Hodeikoleku, though no settlements were ever made there.

It wasn't until Siphamandla's reign began in Drea in the 1970s that a Vilwandian nation interacted with the wider region. Dreport was constructed in the Drean north and became a hotspot for trade. Drean merchants flocked to the city, as the trading nation of Drea as a whole flourished from both material and cultural exchange. It was around this point that the surrounding coastal nations were convinced to join Drea instead of potentially fighting, and that the term "Anaia" was adopted. One by one, the entire Vilwandian coast had united with Drea, and became the United Kingdom of Vilwan.

One major interaction between Vilwan and the wider world came in 1993, when a Drean trade fleet landed in Cathair, Audioslavia, requesting to pay the locals whatever they asked in exchange for anything they'd like to give up. It was decided by the bemused Audioslavians that supplying firearms to the largely inexperienced Vilwans would be the best course of action, and away the fleet went back to Dreport, with no money but plenty of ammunition. This supply continued, with the "Assmarket Purchase" being a major event in recent Vilwandian history.

Meanwhile, in the island's interior, Impinga had been completely isolating itself since the early 1700s. It had grown spiritually, but wanted nothing to do with what it called the Amahlane ("wasteland") outside of Vilwandia. This was changed in 1993 by the arrival of Audioslavian guns. This external involvement enraged the already paranoid Impingans, and thus they declared war on Vilwan later that year.
The gun supply was a crucial factor in the Vilwan victory, as the Impingans were dominated in battle after battle, not having the technology of their opponent, and in 1994, Umoya City was captured after just eight months of fighting. The impact of Audioslavia on Impinga's defeat has only furthered some Impingans' hatred of the wider Anaian community.

In more recent years, 2012 saw the death of the second Indunankulu, Ingqondo, and the start of Bhekithemba's reign. Bhekithemba's dedication to international relations has seen Vilwandia open itself up even further, entering major international sporting events in the 2020s, and currently he is the leader of the Vilwandian delegation at Bellflower.

In Other News
- Vilwandia 4-4 Flavovespia | Vilwandiese reverse their fortunes with a comeback 4-4 draw in Eteksiville

[StrayaRoos]

Anaian or Roosian - The Identity Question.
Anaian hasn't been a word most Roosians would use to identify themselves, most opting to go with 'Roosian', purely because of how the nation has been disconnected with the region. However, There is a growing amount of people who identify as Anaian, especially in the younger demographics. The word doesn't carry much historical weight either, as StrayaRoos essentially just came along for the ride during the WC90 cycle, 10 years ago or so. The changes in national identity have been thrust into the spotlight as the Bellflower Conference regarding 'AORTA+' continues.

---

CAFA 8 - What we've learnt.
Pros

• Ali Ari - The 21-year-old Centre-Forward knows how to hit the target consisently, whatever level he's at. There's a good chance that by the time he retires, he'll be up there with the likes of Harry Cahill and Cruz Kaiplo
• Team Cohesion - Despite only playing as a team roughly 10 times a year, the squad works extremely well together, resulting in flawless combinations like Ella Vidya and Cruz Kaiplo as the team's Playmaker-Marksman duo.

Cons

• Goalkeeping - Thomas Yesak, despite being the most experienced of the team, is not worth keeping around for much longer. He's clearly starting to show his age, and his ability's slipping as a result. However, The reserve keepers, specifically Amina Şeyma, aren't at international level yet, and won't be for another 2 years at least.

---

Other News

• JWHF 10 - Preperations begin in Coal Coast
• SPL - Mid-season Power Rankings
• WorldVision - Roovision 112 entries confirmed

[Ochre Islands]

Page 64

OCHRES WIN AGAINST BOSTOPIA TWICE IN ONE NIGHT
Mass brawl after match described as victory by fans based on sending off count

'Yesterday in Audioslavia saw the Ochre Islands triumphant beat Bostopia by 4 goals to 2, though the game was not without its controversy as it saw 5 red cards, including 4 after the match following a brawl.

It appears that a comment made by a Bostopian player at the full-time whistle sparked a mass of bodies flying toward a confrontation near the managers dugout, where heads butted and punches began raining down on each other like bombs did during the recent conflict. While the Ochres ended up with two players (Nate Midday and Leora Softstep) as well as the assistant manager, Blue Gibson, being sent off, the Bostopian whose comment started it all also saw red, much like his face.

The match itself hadn't been as ill-tempered as the first affair, though Bostopia's Jake Wilkinson was sent off in the 39th minute with the score tied at 2 - 2. Having already scored one, two further goals by Cobrio-raised Susana Russo in the 43rd and 75th minute brought the score to 4 - 2.

Following this, the streets of Audioslavia were marred with fighting between Ochre and Bostopian football fans, even those distantly related. Efforts by the City of Cathair Metropolitan Police force to separate the fans using road-cones and fencing backfired when these were simply picked up and flung over police lines toward opposition fans, as well as whatever other projectiles could be found. The situation eventually calmed down, though only after a Police van backfired and the crowds scattered into the night.'

[Bostopia]

Mihaly stared across at the Mertagnian delegates on the other side of the hall. They had just laid out the peace plan they expected Bostopia to abide by. Somehow they had accepted there was more chance of competence in local government than there was of Bostopia handing over land.

He'd tried the fish. Oh, how he had tried, but the Mertagnians just wouldn't agree.

'Please take the fish' Mihaly tried again, pushing it toward the Mertagnian delegation.

'Is it a turbot?' asked one of the Mertagnians. 'It's a funny looking turbot if it is' added a second.

'No' Mihaly said. 'It is a trout I found in the trouser press.'

'Oh' said a Mertagnian.

'But only after I'd pressed my trousers' he added, sadly.

And now they had fish on the brain, the Mertagnians were demanding access to fishing in Bostopian waters. Who had even come up with that idiot 12 point plan? Now he was about to give the Mertagnians fishing rights and a whole load of money and everything else. It only spelled trouble. He was beginning to realise his punishment for facing Bostopia in a war was to be handed the reins of power. It was, at least, better than being shot down by those Bostopian fighters, but only marginally.

At least the Cardenaoan half of the nation would accept it, not wanting to be drawn into a war defending - of all people - the Bostopians should he reject the deal. It would surely mean another bloodbath in the Ochres as well, with Cardenao having a defensive agreement with them and Mertagne already having a base on the island for - well, defensive reasons as well. Worst case scenario, he simply hoped the two armies would simply defend against each other while nothing actually happened.

On the Cardenao-Bostopian front, the Mertagnians had been very keen to understand exactly what the relationship was between the two countries. As far as Mihaly and Cardenao was concerned, Cardenao's borders now touched Krytenia, Legalese and The 189 as well as St-Jean-Jacques & Burnham-on-Stove, as Bostopia was a fundamental part of Cardenao now Mihaly ruled over both of them. He'd had the Bostopian Parliament (reluctantly) sign over the relevant legislation and change their national flag. Of course, they hadn't fully integrated economically yet, having different currencies that were legal in both nations, but other than that, Bostopia was Cardenao and Cardenao was Cardenao.

Mihaly scanned the Mertagnian terms again.

'Bostopia must reasonably clear all ordnance from the Bekk laid by Bostopian forces, then evacuate the Bekk of all ships of any military usefulness, spare for coastal patrol ships limited to 359 tons displacement.
Bostopia must aid in ordnance clearing operations to the best of their ability, then evacuate this area immediately at the command of the Mertagnian Government.
Bostopia's navy is restricted to exersizes and patrols in the Strait of Chie, and reasonable coastal patrols in the Bekk, plus any genuine life-saving maneuveurs required.
Bostopian territorial and EEZ waters may be fished by Mertagnian vessels at their liberty.
The Bostopian Army may not patrol, exersize, or position, etc. within 10 miles of any of its borders, and Bostopia must evacuate any and all fortified positions, barracks, or likewise within those 10 miles immediately, with the exception of border posts, which will be subject to Mertagnian inspection and oversight.
The Bostopian Government will commence immediate reperations to Mertagne with the stated aim of rebuilding Mertagnian civilian needs, industry, defences etc. that were damaged in the war due to Bostopian action.
The Bostopian Government will commence immediate payments to Mertagne to fund improvements across Mertagne as the Mertagnian Government sees fit.
The Bostopian Air Force may not patrol over any Bostopian territorial waters. A no-fly-zone over the Bekk will be enforced by the Mertagnian Air Force
The Bostopian Armed Forces will destroy all chemical weapons currently held and produce no further such weapons.
Bostopia must enter the Bellflower Agreement (AORTA+) and is bound by this and any & all further treaties signed by the Government of Cardenao.'

It was the last one Mihaly didn't like. Of course Bostopia would enter AORTA+, they were part of Cardenao. But insisting on this in a peace treaty? He knew it spelled trouble.

He looked up at the Mertagnian delegation, some glaring, most unsure of what Cardenao's growing power in the region meant. They had been very careful to seperate Bostopia and Cardenao as seperate enteties in their mind and the treaty, not wanting to threaten a friendly power. But still...

Mihaly took a pen in his hand and was about to sign the paperwork when there was a sudden noise. He was expecting one of the suits of armours to be in pieces on the floor and an odd-looking man to jump out screaming about something, but instead found himself face to face with the Prime Minister of the Ochre Islands, who by all accounts was meant to be in Bellflower.

The Mertagnians reacted with shock. Mihaly, however, merely let out a long sigh and signed the papers. He would be in Audioslavia longer than he thought.

[Vdara]

Yoohoo, Anaia Calling

The call to join Anaia came in the midst of some pretty tumultuous times for Vdara - regionally speaking, at least. Having just sneaked out of Esportiva mid-CE, the nation was left in limbo, hovering in the purgatory of an identity crisis that they had entirely brought upon by themselves. A move to Atlantian Oceania had been tabled provisionally, but not entirely taken seriously. After all, AO was one of the more serious of the bunch - and at this point in time, Vdara were anything but serious. They still aren’t, of course, but that’s besides the point. The region clearly wasn’t Vdara’s place to be, but there was no turning back now, not unless they continued region-hopping - but where next? Rushmore? Mandalanusa? God forbid, Sonnel? Thankfully, some within AO had echoed a similar sentiment about the region not being their place to be…

The Official Fancy Presidential Office of His Excellency, The One and Only, Charalambos Romanatos,
Chania

For many, it was a pity that such an opulent and well-decorated office had to be inhabited by such a fuckwit. Elected out of necessity rather than any real wish to see him in power, Romanatos lacked any of the real charisma, brains, or indeed common sense that people often like to see in their leaders. Alas, he was here now, and spurred on by a nice hit of caffeine from a particularly large coffee, he felt like doing something that would really get the papers talking. He was too thick to think of anything, though, as per usual. Sat on his arse, twiddling his thumbs, and flicking through a complimentary copy of The Irakleio Informer, he desperately needed something to scratch his itch.



[bzzzzzzzzt]

“Hullo?”

“Mr. Romanatos, there’s a man from Audioslavia over on line 2. I think he’s saying something about pineapples (ananádes)?”

“Huh? Since when do they make them?”

“Dunno. Must have got a new pineapple factory. Patching you through now.”

[ominous dial tone]

“So, ‘man from Audioslavia’, why do you seek to give us your pineapples when we have perfectly good ones at home?”

Charalambos sat back in his comfy spinning chair and rocked from side to side as the Audioslavian on the other end of the line explained to him that their newfangled plans had nothing to do with pineapple exports, but a regional overhaul - the likes of which had never been seen before. Due to His Excellency’s willingness to run his mouth, Vdara had not been invited to the initial discussions, but the nation’s ‘vibes’ were cited as a clear reason for them to enter ‘Anaia’ - whatever that was.

”Aye, alright. Let’s get the ball rolling, I’ll put this to a vote.”

Slamming the phone down, Charalambos went dancing around the room. The golden goose of fortune had shat an egg straight onto his desk, and he was going to fry that bitch.

[Audioslavia]

CAFA 8 - Helvetica Scenario Round Three

Matchdays 5 and 6

[Audioslavia]

Round Three

Matchday Five

Ko-oren 1–0 Huayramarca
Flavovespia 1–0 Estorvipa and Estorpiva
Yesopalitha 0–4 Ochre Islands
Mertagne 6–4 Cardenao
Kimi-Suomi 1–0 Legalese
Pyazhnaya 1–1 Space Laser Dinosaur Robot Pirate Land
Vdara 2–1 Krytenia
Koronavia 0–1 Bostopia
Vilwandia 0–1 Audioslavia (Scorinated by Graintfjall)
Evermark 2–0 Bharadwaja
Saint-Jean-Jacques et Burnham-on-Stove 0–0 United Hawkland
Strayaroos 2–2 Semarland
Aleirave 2–1 Sgr A (Scorinated by Graintfjall)

Matchday Six

Huayramarca 0–0 Ko-oren
Estorvipa and Estorpiva 0–1 Flavovespia
Ochre Islands 0–0 Yesopalitha
Cardenao 0–1 Mertagne
Legalese 5–3 Kimi-Suomi
Space Laser Dinosaur Robot Pirate Land 0–2 Pyazhnaya
Krytenia 0–0 Vdara
Bostopia 4–2 Koronavia
Audioslavia 2–0 Vilwandia (Scorinated by Graintfjall)
Bharadwaja 0–1 Evermark
United Hawkland 3–3 Saint-Jean-Jacques et Burnham-on-Stove
Semarland 0–0 Strayaroos
Sgr A 0–1 Aleirave (Scorinated by Graintfjall)

Pld Team                                    Pts   SoO   P   W   D   L   F   A  GD  
 1 Ko-oren                                    5     0   6   5   1   0   6   0   6  
 2 Flavovespia                                5    -2   6   5   1   0  17   6  11  
 3 Mertagne                                   4    -6   6   4   2   0  15   9   6  
 4 Ochre Islands                              3     0   6   3   3   0  11   4   7  
 5 Huayramarca                                2     5   6   3   2   1  16   9   7  
 6 Audioslavia                                2     0   6   4   0   2  10   3   7  
 7 Pyazhnaya                                  2     0   6   3   2   1  13   8   5  
 8 Bostopia                                   2    -2   6   3   2   1  16  11   5  
 9 Estorvipa and Estorpiva                    1     8   6   3   1   2  10   7   3  
10 Yesopalitha                                1     0   6   3   1   2   8   9  -1  
11 Kimi-Suomi                                 1    -6   6   3   1   2  10   8   2  
12 Vdara                                      1    -6   6   3   1   2   7   9  -2  
13 Evermark                                   1   -10   6   3   1   2   9   9   0  
14 Legalese                                   0     2   6   3   0   3  10  12  -2  
15 Aleirave                                   0   -10   6   2   2   2  12  15  -3  
16 Space Laser Dinosaur Robot Pirate Land    -1     2   6   1   3   2   8  10  -2  
17 Krytenia                                  -1     0   6   1   3   2   9  13  -4  
18 Cardenao                                  -2     8   6   2   0   4  13  14  -1  
19 Vilwandia                                 -2     8   6   1   2   3  12  14  -2  
20 Koronavia                                 -2     6   6   1   2   3   6   9  -3  
21 Saint-Jean-Jacques et Burnham-on-Stove    -2    -2   6   1   2   3  12  18  -6  
22 Semarland                                 -3     0   6   0   3   3   5   8  -3  
23 Strayaroos                                -3    -4   6   0   3   3   5  12  -7  
24 Bharadwaja                                -4     3   6   0   2   4   6  13  -7  
25 United Hawkland                           -4     0   6   0   2   4   5  12  -7  
26 Sgr A                                     -6     6   6   0   0   6   2  11  -9  

KEY:
            Through to Knockout Stage           
             On course for knockouts            
 Need to better record to qualify for knockouts 
        Cannot qualify for Knockout Stage       

 Round 4 Fixtures (Matchday 7, Matchday 8) 
 (2) Flavovespia vs Ko-oren (1) 
 (1) Ko-oren vs Flavovespia (2) 

 (3) Mertagne vs Pyazhnaya (7) 
 (4) Ochre Islands vs Evermark (13) 
 (8) Bostopia vs Huayramarca (5) 
 (6) Audioslavia vs Yesopalitha (10) 
 (12) Vdara vs Kimi-Suomi (11) 
 (11) Kimi-Suomi vs Vdara (12) 
 (10) Yesopalitha vs Audioslavia (6) 
 (5) Huayramarca vs Bostopia (8) 
 (13) Evermark vs Ochre Islands (4) 
 (7) Pyazhnaya vs Mertagne (3) 

 (9) Estorvipa and Estorpiva vs Aleirave (15) 
 (15) Aleirave vs Estorvipa and Estorpiva (9) 

 (14) Legalese vs Saint-Jean-Jacques et Burnham-on-Stove (21) 
 (17) Krytenia vs Space Laser Dinosaur Robot Pirate Land (16) 
 (16) Space Laser Dinosaur Robot Pirate Land vs Krytenia (17) 
 (21) Saint-Jean-Jacques et Burnham-on-Stove vs Legalese (14) 

 (20) Koronavia vs Vilwandia (19) 
 (19) Vilwandia vs Koronavia (20) 

 (18) Cardenao vs Strayaroos (23) 
 (23) Strayaroos vs Cardenao (18) 

 (22) Semarland vs Sgr A (26) 
 (25) United Hawkland vs Bharadwaja (24) 
 (24) Bharadwaja vs United Hawkland (25) 
 (26) Sgr A vs Semarland (22) 

EDIT: added third party scorinator

[Audioslavia]

RP Prompts are entirely optional

Round Four

RP Prompt

Good news! A five-minute highlights package of your last home match just got uploaded to <whatever you use instead of YouTube>. You click on the video and get ready for a bit of relaxation/reflection/a shout, but first of all: oh for heaven's sake!

Two un-skippable five-second videos?

What utter nonsense is your nation trying to sell you this time?

[Flavovespia]

Flavovespia 3 - 0 Estorvipa and Estorpiva

It was a close game on paper and in the end a close game on the pitch. However for Flavovespia, it was them who just got the edge in this game, progressing to 4 points and 1 win from qualifying for the knockout stages. Some changes were made, it was Nazir Hussain in for Paul Taylor, Christopher Hill for Jonathan Goldstone, and Richard Birmingham for Michael Cole. With the Helvetica format, a close game vs Estorvipa and Estorpiva was expected as the sides sat near the top of the rankings.

It was so nearly a goal after just 5 minutes when a corner flew over everyone in the Flavovespia box. Roberta Kunaplenko took a dwi g at it on the half volley, struck the post, and the ball flew agonisingly past the head of Ashot Razinskij. Sighs of relief all around for Flavovespia in Saints Park, not the start they wanted. Estorvipa and Estorpiva were doing well in the first half, but Nathan Crewe was in good shape, rarely looking flustered and with good command of his area. Flavovespia though had little going for them in attack. Richard Birmingham looked a step off the pace, and both Amrik Singh and Jonathan Bagshaw looked a touch isolated out wide. The latter was still dribbling well, but rewards were limited. Goalless at the break, it was probably Estorvipa and Estorpiva on top, and likely happier in the dressing rooms.

Many would’ve expected the second half to start similarly, but the breakthrough came just 6 minutes into it. It was Christopher Hill who created it, a cutting pass through the defence to find the run of Amrik Singh inside the box. Singh fired a quick low shot past Yaroslav Shchetinin and into the net. 1-0, Flavovespia hit hard after the break, and were rewarded. From there, the game did gradually drift into a defence vs attack battle. However the attacking flair of the first half of the visitors fell away somewhat, and the Flavovespia defence had the skill to hold the line. After conceding 4 last time out, they were able to come away with a clean sheet, and thanks to Amrik Singh, the win. It was a tough, close game, but Flavovespia showed their credentials again.

Estorvipa and Estorpiva 0 - 3 Flavovespia

A knockout spot was secured as Flavovespia secured their 5th win of 6, in another low scoring contest against Estorvipa and Estorpiva. After victory last time out, Flavovespia knew Estorvipa and Estorpiva needed a win, to keep themselves near the top of the standings and not risk a slide into the midtable battle. It was no surprise the, to see them start quickly. Flavovespia were pinned back, with several shots on target against them. Nathan Crewe saved most, but had to be bailed out by a sliding block almost on the line by Nazir Hussain in the 18th minute. That was countered 3 minutes later by Richard Birmingham missing a great chance just 8 metres out, firing wide of the post. After that, the first half felt like it fizzled out, a lot of midfield play, but neither side really finding a decisive pass or play. Goalless it was at the half time whistle, with a fair amount of pondering on both sides.

After the break, Flavovespia thought that they should’ve had a penalty. A sliding challenge on Jonathan Bagshaw by Holden Krastenkovic saw the referee point at the spot. However it went to review, and Krastenkovic got foot to ball first. No penalty, even though some Flavovespians still felt the tackle was too hard. As the hour mark passed, it began to feel like a game where one goal could be critical. And it was to be, that goal coming in the 68th minute. Andrew Dance played the ball down the right to Jonathan Bagshaw. This time he got past Krastenkovic, and with a well taken curling shot, beat the goalkeeper and netted the opener. Almost unstoppable this tournament, Bagshaw had bagged himself another goal. As the minutes ticked on, Estorvipa and Estorpiva did put more pressure on, asking the question of Nathan Crewe and Flavovespia’s defence. However, they had the answers again, and the home side were left frustrated. The full time whistle blew to confirm Flavovespia were into the knockout stages, they had 5 points and could at worst drop to 1. Flavovespia lie second now, with just 1 other side on 5 points: Ko-oren. One of the real heavyweights of the region, Flavovespia and Ko-oren face each other in two games, if either gets a decisive edge, they could well be seeded very high in the knockout stages. Those two games will be unmissable.

[Ochre Islands]

The Ochre Prime Minister was meant to be in Bellflower. Yet here she was in the Sceriffa's best conference room (marginally better than the buffet restaurant) glaring at the Bostopian delegation sat being President-Grand Duke Mihaly, who was busying himself by checking the pages of the treaty for additional signatures.

The Mertagnians looked at each other, almost collectively, then looked back to find Willow was staring back at them. 'Prime Minister' Brandon Hope said, in a manner that befitted his surname. 'It's good to see you, what brings - brought?' He looked at his colleagues who shrugged 'Brought you here?'

'Has anyone remembered' Willow said, looking around the room 'that we are still at war with Bostopia?' A man who rarely showed surprise, Mihaly looked up, most certainly in surprise, almost dragging an inky pen across page 5 (supplementary terms), then turned around to look at his own colleagues who merely stared back at him wide eyed and offering no assistance. Maybe they had finally been stunned into silence by the gaudy chandelier hanging from the middle of the conference room? Maybe it was Willow showing up? Maybe it was Maybelline? Maybe it was realising that Cardenao was technically but most definitely at war with it's closest ally in the region. Again.

'Well' Mihaly thought 'at least we could get revenge for the chestnutting and try and take some of our weapons back that Project Alouette kept "finding" and taking back to the Ochres with them.' However, as Willow looked very annoyed he kept that to himself. Word had quickly spread that Willow had been known for storming a hotel on her own during the Bostopian-Ochre War and Mihaly was keen not to see a repeat of that at his own expense. 'We're meant to be allied, Mihaly' she said. 'What of that?' 'Well, nobody mentioned it to me' he replied. 'Perhaps the Mertagnians were aware?' As Mihaly said this, growing ever more confident with each word, a slight giggle was heard from one of the two suits of armour which somehow had managed to find their way into the room during the chaos.

Hope's eyes flicked over toward the suits of armour, then back at Willow. 'We didn't realise you were still at war' he said. 'It had gone quiet for one and for another...' his voice tailed off as he flicked through notes. 'It doesn't appear to be in my handover document from Mr. Noirot... sorry.'

Willow thrust a peace of paper at Mihaly, who saw a little bit of text on the first page and nothing on the back. 'Is this it?' He asked. 'The Mertagnians wanted loads! A little too much if I'm being honest.' 'This is it' Willow told him, holding Mihaly's pen and pointing the handle at him. 'Sign.' Mihaly took the pen and put his name to it. 'Simple. Done. We want nothing from the Bostopians except to be left alone. Hence the three provisions - which' she looked back toward the Mertagnians - 'for your benefit are; "The Republic and Community of Ochre Islands and the nation formerly known as Bostopia and her successor state[s] are at peace. Bostopia will leave the Ochres alone. The Ochres will make no demands of the Bostopians.'

She now turned her attention to the two suits of armour in the corner of the room, who had positioned themselves just right to catch the sun and send glare toward the participants on either side.

'I know who you are' Willow said, staring them down. 'And I have some news. You've failed. Bostopia and the Ochres are now at peace... No thanks to you two. So...' Willow paused. 'Shall I...' she continued, letting the first two words of the famous phrase hang in the air.

'Oh dear' thought one of the suits of armour.

Willow got close to where the ear of one of the suit wearers would be behind their armour and inhaled before speaking 'Inform...'

'Oh dear oh dear' thought the suit of armour not being whispered to, whilst the other began to shake ever so slightly yet terrible loudly (it was a suit of armour after all).

'The...' Louder clanging now, as the pressure inside the suit of armour grew and grew to almost bursting point.

'Duke!' Willow finally said with a flourish.

Nothing.

Well, not until Mihaly spoke up. 'That is me!' He cried. 'Mihaly!' He hadn't gotten the words quite right but the bluster and gusto of the previous holder was there. Willow briefly looked over at Mihaly and frowned, causing him to sit down. 'Not the current Duke then' Mihaly thought to himself. At least it was worth a shot. Instead, Willow stood staring at the suits of armour, expecting at least one of them to have burst open by now. She checked the room. Everything was as it should be. Or at least, as it should be in this room.

The first suit of armour took their helmet off, revealing one of the Duke's aides. 'You have to accept that he's dead' she told Willow. It seems the entire region is under this-' she paused as she looked at Mihaly and bit her lip. My god how she loved men in power. '-spell that somehow the Emperor is dead.' The second suit of armour took her helmet off now, revealing the Duke's second aid, mascara streaming down her face and eyes full of tears. 'I thought - I thought' she sobbed 'that The Duke was really alive and he would jump out when you said the thing but he's not here' she wailed, falling into the arms of The Duke's first aide . 'And The Emperor too' the first aide said, barely audible over the wailing. 'He kept telling everyone "I am dead" and yet none of you believed him, even though Mihaly' she stared over at Mihaly again, who went a bit red. 'Even though Mihaly himself killed him and became the Grand Duke and the Emperor said then "I am dead", none of you believe it!'

If it wasn't for the wailing and mourning, the collective blink taken by the room would have certainly been audible. Willow, though, Willow knew something was wrong. Perhaps - perhaps it was her very soul?

[Bostopia]

External publishing permitted

Mertagnians dine on celery!
The Mertagnian 1% don't want the 99% to know this!

A photo of a dinner plate available only to 1% of Mertagnians

A shock report today from one of our brave undercover reporters in Mertagne has demonstrated the inequalities in that nation across the Bekk. Mertagne, famously known as a nation of baked celery eaters, is in fact hiding something from the mistreated and repressed 99% of their population by the nation's so-called 'elite', if such an 'elite' could exist in a nation such as Mertagne.

Eagle-eyed Bostopians will note that the celery bravely ordered - at great expense - in a Mertagnian restaurant and photographed is boiled and garnished with parsley. The use of hot water is limited only to the upper echelons of Mertagnian society, so this meal shows quite clearly what is available for the better offs in the snakehole nation.

99% of Mertagnian society must suffice with baking their celery in primitive pits covered with soil. Boiling water is only allowed with an expensive license, the proceeds of which are used to subsidise parsley rations for the 1%, the price of which skyrocketed when the Mertagnians were introduced to flavour two decades ago. The Mertagnian Government routinely employs boiling water detectors in vans which travel the slums of Mertagne searching for people boiling water without the aforementioned license.

Most Mertagnians therefore have no choice but to avoid boiling water and buying parsley completely. Those who use parsley are the 'lucky ones', finding it in leftover scraps in restaurant bins after closing time. Bostopians would weep knowing this, as parsley is indeed the King of all herbs and widely available in our fair nation. Furthermore, the pain felt at knowing the Mertagnians used it as a mere garnish rather than attempting to improve their awful food with it would be greater than could be put into words.

This newspaper and her staff will of course continue our campaign against the snakes in Mertagne and further revelations from this thrice-failed nation will continue to be published until proper change is achieved.