Matchday 30
It’s taken 36 weeks and 29 rounds of football but finally, we’re here. It’s that Sunday afternoon, and Sylestone’s entire footballing fanbase has sat down to watch their team battle it out on their non-Sentient television, to see whether they could make some last-gasp jump up the table to improve their status heading into the transfer window and next season. Last time we did this, three teams were prepared to fight it out for the title - Capitol Athletic, Avondale City and Kirkham Appliances - leaving us with a wildly entertaining afternoon watching the nation’s second largest sport. It’s safe to say, however, that this season’s finale will be nowhere near as thrilling.
The champion has already been decided and the two automatically relegated teams are known. Only four teams are left with anything to play for. Their motives are outlined below.
- AFC Droves’ appear all but certain to finish with a fairytale-like ending, with the playoff winners from last season using the hiatus exceptionally well to stack up their defence before performing admirably well under Tahlia Dawson. On 51 points, they are currently sitting pretty in fourth place, with a three-point buffer. All they require is a draw against Fridge FC and an IFCF berth in the Challengers Cup will be secured for the Burgers.
- Kirkham Sentients are reliant on their cross-town rivals, Fridge FC, if they wish to have any chance of stealing an IFCF Challengers Cup berth off AFC Droves. While they might be three points behind them, the Sentients boast a superior goal difference of +9 to +6 and if they can defeat relegated Northampton Olympic at the Northampton Gardens, then they will give themselves the best chance possible to steal their first-ever position in the Toilet League’s top four.
- Breakfast Bowl FC currently lie just two points above the Poo League playoff spot, with 30 points effectively at a point per game. Due to a superior goal difference, all they need is a draw at the Stadium of Glorious Sentient Objects against Mid-Capital in order to ensure they will stay in the Toilet League come next season but anything less leaves themselves open to falling down to fourteenth, where they will face Western Avondale for the sixteenth spot in next year’s Toilet League.
- Kitchen Sink FC are reliant on both a loss to the Breakfast Bowls and a win at Sentient Oval’s second oval themselves against Avondale Beach if they wish to finish their season now and hope for automatic retention of their place in the Toilet League. As the most recent Toilet League champions that are not Capitol Athletic, many expectations are piled on this club against a mid-table team, with most expecting them to shine right when it matters. But it will not be easy for the Dishwashing Detergent’s players and due to their poor season, it is not unbelievable to consider that they will lose here and to Western Avondale in the playoff.
(16) Katham – Cleorough (10) @ Katham Oval, Katham
Katham (5-3-2): Vallis ; Jessop - Hunt - Wallace - Loveless - Andrade; Tupper - Sievier - McLaren; Bailey - Bilby
Cleorough (4-2-3-1): Chapman; Pearson - Porree - Freeling - Jabberee; Davies - McCaughey; Oder - Weiss - McNair; Quinn
(8) Kirkham Appliances – Chamberley City (6) @ Kirkham City Arena, Kirkham
Kirkham Appliances (5-1-2-1-1): Brick Wall; Nokia - Microwave - Television - Waffle Iron - Boiler; Air Conditioner; Juicer - Telephone; Mixer; Heater
Chamberley City (4-2-4): Heinrich; Francois - Oliver - Kleeberg - Buchanan; Paterson - Casey; Ryland - Blamey - Great White Shark - Courtney
(7) Avondale City – Capitol Athletic (1) @ Kitchener Stadium, Avondale
Avondale City (4-2-2-2): Khan; Matthews - Holt - Nambucca - Kyouka; Whiddon - Lawson; Miller - Wheals; Reynolds - Fitzpatrick
Capitol Athletic (4-1-2-1-2): Murray; van Brabant - Heagney - Levy - Johnstone; Williams; Dodge - Smith; Everest; Holder - Voigt
(12) Fridge FC – AFC Droves (4) @ Sentient Oval, Kirkham
Fridge FC (3-4-3): Table; Trophy - Washing Machine - Dishwasher; Fork - Peanut Butter Jar - Fridge - Garlic Crusher; Scaffolding - Mirror - Spoon
AFC Droves (5-2-1-2): Jameson; Mee - Mills - Irwin - Isobar - Aberdeen; Wetherspoon - Wells; McNeil; E Strathfield - R Strathfield
(14) Kitchen Sink FC – Avondale Beach (11) @ Sentient Oval (2), Kirkham
Kitchen Sink FC (4-1-2-1-2): Headphones; Pot - Baby Wipes - Sieve - Sleeping Bag; Mosaic; Stove - Silestone; Water Bottle; Milk Carton - AC Vent
Avondale Beach (4-3-3): Barrett; Mazza - Hill - Oldaker - Keller; Harring - Bradfield - Mackey; May - Dwyer - Griffiths
(2) Pesfield Trees – Betham FC (3) @ The Trees, Pesfield
Pesfield Trees (4-2-3-1): Macleay; Holt - Faucett - Nutt - Rose; Larkins - Angliss; Johnson - Rodway - Pearson; Stearas
Betham FC (3-2-3-2): Mitchell; Gunson - Pearson - Kernot; Woodward - Fullers; Ayotte-Beaudin - Black - Middleton; Arias - Kane
(13) Breakfast Bowl FC – Mid-Capital (9) @ Home of the Glorious Sentient Objects, Kirkham
Breakfast Bowl FC (4-3-3): Cabinet; Ironing Board - Pizza Stone - Desk - Tarpaulin; Kitchen Sink - Breakfast Bowl - Spiderwebs; Front Door - Soap - Spatula
Mid-Capital (3-3-4): Dodgshun; Richardson - Nugan - Moore; Doyle - Cunningham - de Satg; Korner - Zadow - Houghton - Evans
(15) Northampton Olympic – Kirkham Sentients (5) @ Northampton Gardens, Chamberley
Northampton Olympic (4-3-3): Fletcher; Nerli - Shinsui - Spencer - Hayes; Burgoyne - Grosse - Kellow; Taplin - Herzog - Murphy
Kirkham Sentients (4-3-3): Fruit Bowl; Blender - Frying Pan - Sofa - Drawer; Colander - Bar Stool - Speakers; Scissors - Tumble Dryer - Lawn Mower
First Half
2nd minute - Pesfield Trees 1–0 Betham FC
Well, what a start, and what a way to make a statement from Tikariotian youngster Theofilos Stearas! He’s only recently come back from injury, but that has certainly not fazed him here. Everything from the Trees there was sublime - the buildup, the assist and then the crisp finish. From youngster to youngster, South Newlandian Luisa Johnson’s ball forward was perfectly timed, with Sophia Pearson only able to feather the ball on its way through to the 21-year-old’s feet. With pressure from both the defender and goalkeeper, only a single touch was needed before the forward chipped Madison Mitchell and nestled it in the corner, sending the home crowd into raptures. This is what they had been missing, and boy it felt good to have him back.
5th minute - Pesfield Trees 1–0 Betham FC
And just how close was that to two? Gemma Rodway must be kicking herself. After she managed to get away from Liam Kernot, the Luisa Johnson corner came right to her, but she was unable to deflect it anywhere other than into the safe hands of Mitchell! What a golden opportunity to make it 2-0 in the opening minutes and all but ensure that the Trees will finish their season with a triumph.
6th minute - Fridge FC 0–0 AFC Droves
Slightly concerning signs for the Burgers early on in their crunch match with the Fridges, with Lucy Mills failing to halt the run of the Mirror, although Zac Irwin was there to back her up. The pass from the Fork was a good one but as Dawson had instructed, the Fridge FC centre forward immediately found itself surrounded by red shirts as the Sentient rushed its shot, Timothy Jameson more than happy to leave it as it rolled a metre wide of his right post.
9th minute - Avondale City 0–1 Capitol Athletic
It doesn’t matter if six players are back for Avondale City by the time Jeremy Smith crosses the ball - one misguided touch and it’s 1-0. Unfortunately for the hosts and midfielder Maya Whiddon, it would be her who would have to face the embarrassment of an own goal in front of her own fans. Although Levin Voigt’s touch had Edward Khan stretching to his right, Whiddon’s ricochet left the South Newlandian goalkeeper completely wrong-footed as he watched on helplessly. The Maroons had already sealed the title, but they were not about to back down in one of the nation’s most famous rivalries.
11th minute - Northampton Olympic 0–1 Kirkham Sentients
It had been coming. I mean, why wouldn’t it, when the majority of your opposition were originally planned to be benched at the start of the season but through some incredibly poor form, are now starting? After countless decent opportunities that were shut down by Isabel Nerli and Kai Shinsui, the Bar Stool simply rose too high on top of the Tumble Dryer for this cross from the Lawn Mower, slotting the ball past Kai Fletcher to make it 1-0.
11th minute - Pesfield Trees 1–1 Betham FC
Somehow, despite the dominance of the Trees against some dodgy football from the visitors, the scoreline is 1-1. A corner, taken by Annabelle Larkins, had been headed away by Jayden Higgins, to Destiny Arias, who proceeded to fool two Pesfield defenders to make a run, joined by winger Marie-Louise Ayotte-Beaudin down the centre of the field, only separated by defender Alana Faucett. The star forward considered going direct for goal once at the edge of the box, but instead squared it to her partner, who did not make a mistake in front of the deadly silence of the home crowd. The stage was set for a thriller.
17th minute - Kirkham Appliances 0–0 Chamberley City
How close was that from Jack Ryland? A free kick in an excellent position - a few metres outside the box and just to the right of the field. The winger took it and dipped it over the wall, but simply achieved too much curl as it grazed the outside of the post, close enough to keep the Brick Wall seriously considering its course of action in front of the net. It’s by far the best chance of the encounter so far, but it’s still 0-0.
20th minute - Breakfast Bowl FC 0–0 Mid-Capital
I tell you what, if that went in. While Mid-Capital have, unsurprisingly, been the better side thus far, this attack from the Breakfast Bowls was in the making, especially due to the frail nature of the Trains’ defence. Still, they were good enough to prevent the Soap from touching the ball inside the box as the Kitchen Sink brought it forward, surrounded by a sea orange shirts. With almost no angle, the Sentient shot and forced a diving save out of Thike Saleh, who managed to parry the ball around the post from mid-air. A good chance from nothing, and that is promising signs for the hosts as they seek safety.
25th minute - Northampton Olympic 0–2 Kirkham Sentients
And one becomes two! The Sentients are really pushing the Burgers over in Kirkham to obtain points from their fixture because at this stage, an away win is looking supremely likely. This time, the Scissors was the receiver of another pinpoint Lawn Mower cross as the backup winger continued to stake its claim and through an outlandish scissor kick that bewildered every Northampton player on the field, slotted the ball home for it’s side’s second goal of the match. Not even half an hour in, and Kirkham Sentients were 2-0 up!
27th minute - Kirkham Appliances 0–0 Chamberley City
It’s a penalty for the hosts at Kirkham City Arena! The referee had to go give it a check, but ultimately there was very little doubt about it. A poor tackle from Juan Francois, with the left-back lucky to only draw the foul and not receive a booking or worse. The game has been very even throughout its opening half hour, but could this be the Appliances’ chance to take the lead?
29th minute - Kirkham Appliances 1–0 Chamberley City
And it’s a goal! The Heater stood up to take it and slotted it to the left, past the outstretched arm of Tikariotian shot-stopper Steven Heinrich! A calm, decisive penalty, and the hosts have taken the lead. Sure, it’s been an abhorrent season for the supposed title-challengers, but if they can wrap it up on a positive note their off-season will be slightly less bitter.
31st minute - Northampton Olympic 1–2 Kirkham Sentients
This game was never finishing 2-0 to the Sentients, but I can assure you that not many were expecting Northampton Olympic to keep themselves in the match by pulling one back, merely six minutes after the Scissors scored the visitors’ second. But it’s Annabelle Taplin who completed the heroics with her second goal of the season as Brianna Herzog and Elijah Grosse sliced through the Sentients’ defence well and truly against the run of play, before Taplin completed the honours by unconventionally kneeing the ball past the Fruit Bowl and into the net. The Steel weren’t quite out of this just yet and with 60 minutes to go, there was still heaps of time to obtain that equaliser. The only problem was stopping their opponents from making it 3-1 or worse.
32nd minute - Avondale City 0–2 Capitol Athletic
Imperiousness and Capitol Athletic are essentially synonymous these days, aren’t they? While they have the Toilet League title all wrapped up, the Maroons are obviously still smarting from their 3-1 defeat to their cross-town rivals at home six months ago and here, on the final day of the season, are keen to hand them a demolition. And so far, so good. 32 minutes in, and it’s already 2-0, with Ethan Everest calmly slotting home a chance from ten metres out that came from a series of excellent, pinpoint passes that diffused through the Lime Greens’ defence. Watch out, multiverse, ‘cause these lads and ladies are coming for y’all.
35th minute - Katham 0–1 Cleorough
Of course Cleorough were going to score, and of course Abigail McNair was going to be the one peeling away when the ball smashed the back of the net, ready to celebrate yet another goal in her side’s disappointing season. While the Toucans once again failed to live up to spectator expectations, they have at least dominated here against a dreadfully woeful Katham, who can’t seem to be relegated quick enough. But I tell you what, it was a clinical finish. From an angle close to 90 degrees, to chip the keeper score at the same time was not an easy feat - a fitting way to score your ninth goal of the season.
37th minute - Avondale City 0–2 Capitol Athletic
How on earth has Taylah Fitzpatrick missed that? For the first time all game, Avondale City have successfully opened up the Capitol Athletic defence with Isabel Matthews slotting a ball in behind, but the 24-year-old striker was simply too slow to reach the ball, with Mary Levy breathing down her neck. She still connected but instead of slotting the ball between a diving Oscar Murray and the goalpost, she could not obtain enough connection and instead, it’s gone wide. What a chance.
38th minute - Kirkham Appliances 1–1 Chamberley City
It might be a dead rubber, but both of these teams are playing as if everything is on the line. The equaliser had been coming over the past few minutes with the Stars barely giving up possession of the ball and through a Max Paterson strike from the edge of the box after a cutback from Kaiden Courtney, Chamberley City’s goal has arrived. With nearly an hour remaining in the fixture, surely there will be more to come despite Kirkham’s stout defensive line.
40th minute - Pesfield Trees 1–2 Betham FC
What a game this is turning out to be. While goal-filled drama fests are not necessarily what a Sylestonean loves to see, no one can deny that this match is not entertaining. After the Trees’ early dominance and Ayotte-Beaudin’s goal against the run of play, the match has settled down and fallen into a rhythm - one that the Trees still dominated, but now the Pandas were getting a few more opportunities. While none were exceptional chances, Kate Fullers undoubtedly made the most of hers in the 40th minute, deflecting a Amber Woodward shot from well outside the box into the opposite corner of the net, completely wrong-footing Pesfield’s stout defence as Ryan Macleay watched on, helplessly. With half-time just around the corner, odds are now on the visitors to take the lead into the break and lengthen the hosts’ streak without a win to five games.
42nd minute - Kirkham Appliances 2–1 Chamberley City
Talk about a response. Just four minutes ago we were musing the possibility of another goal in this match, and here is the boiler confirming it. Sure, it wasn’t the prettiest of finishes - the Boiler’s shot from close range still found the glove of Steven Heinrich before the Sentient finished it on the second try - but the buildup play certainly was as the Appliances ran riot through the Chamberley defence in a similar vein to the way they had played in years gone by. This was the Kirkham Appliances team of yesteryear. Could we see a rejuvenation come the start of season eight?
42nd minute - Northampton Olympic 1–2 Kirkham Sentients
A penalty! The free kick from the Blender was a good one, directly at the Scissors but before they arrived there, a slight tap from Archie Kellow saw them tumble as the ball ricocheted off the handle and thumped into the arms of Kai Fletcher. Although the referee did not originally spot the foul, the technology confirmed what everyone else had seen.
43rd minute - Pesfield Trees 2–2 Betham FC
Just when you thought Betham had scraped through and seized the moment, taking a lead heading into the break, Pesfield came back to land a blow of their own. Joshua Angliss provided the finishing touch after breaking in a supreme counterattack with forwards Harrison Reynolds and Taylah Fitzpatrick, the Pandas’ defence caught well off guard in a 3v2. While the 22-year-old midfielder had the opportunity to pass, he also spotted a weakness in Madison Mitchell’s technique as she made herself big, calmly tapping the ball to her left to complete the job. It had been the goal that Pesfield had deserved and classically, it had come on the counter - something that the Trees had done so well all season.
45th minute - Northampton Olympic 1–3 Kirkham Sentients
And indeed, the Tumble Dryer can make it 3-1. While the Sentient is often wildly inaccurate, it’s very difficult to miss a seven-metre wide goal eleven metres in front of you, goalkeeper or no. Although Fletcher chose the right direction, the Tumble Dryer’s inaccuracy made him look petty stupid as it flung the ball right down the middle, as powerful as a rifle bullet. But while the Sentients were doing everything they could to achieve top four, every single one of their supporters would have a close eye on what was happening back in Kirkham between Fridge FC and AFC Droves. Even if Northampton Gardens were rocked by a 20-0 loss, the Sentients would be unable to qualify for IFCF if Fridge FC could not defeat the Burgers.
Stoppage time (45+3) - Kitchen Sink FC 0–0 Avondale Beach
Oh, the pain. It hurts enough to have a goal disallowed after being mere inches offside; it hurts even more if the goal gives you a lead in a must-win game and drawing has serious consequences. That’s exactly what the Milk Carton and co. must have felt after the Kitchen Sink FC slotted home an excellent goal, catching Leon Mazza and Richard Hill off guard at the back, only for VAR to overturn the decision after minutes of analysis and pondering. If the Sinks do not go onto win here, then perhaps this decision from the referee will be looked at by the club’s fans as a stellar opportunity missed.
McNair 35’As it stands, AFC Droves will take out fourth and the final spot in the IFCF Challengers Cup, while the Kirkham Sentients will have to make do with fifth place as their wait for a top four finish continues. At the other end of the table, Breakfast Bowl FC lie two points ahead of their Kirkham rivals, Kitchen Sink FC, with the score of both games 0-0.
Second Half
46th minute - Katham 0–1 Cleorough
What a start for the Toucans. While it may not have resulted in a goal, the intentions were clear from this Cleorough outfit. With nothing to lose, they were to take this game on at its head. The entire play leading up to the shot from Samuel Quinn was right out of the textbook - the pass back to Lucas Jabberee, the ball over the top to Abigail McNair and the flick onwards to Quinn. All the play was missing was the finish from the Cleorough striker, who, with Michael Hunt and Sean Wallace bearing down on him, could only shoot the ball into the gloves of Scarlett Vallis.
48th minute - Breakfast Bowl FC 0–1 Mid-Capital
It had been coming. While the Breakfast Bowls had been holding up - including producing a golden opportunity in the first half - the Trains had dominated and having really put their foot on the pedal during the second half, thoroughly deserved to take the lead. Rose Evans was the one who applied the diving header to complete the goal after Victoria Korner’s cross. With the Breakfast Bowls falling behind, if the Sinks could score now against Avondale Beach, thirteenth place would be theirs.
55th minute - Avondale City 0–2 Capitol Athletic
Talk about a chance to put the game to bed. In the end, it was superb defending that ensured Avondale City remained in with a chance - no matter how minuscule. Edward Khan was beaten, that was for sure, but Aoi Kyouka had other ideas as Alyssa Hightower accepted the pass and went straight for the finish. In a funny way, her attempts to catch the home defence off guard provided the opposite effect as Kyouka’s sliding tackle found the ball, rolling safely into Khan’s arms.
56th minute - Katham 0–1 Cleorough
They really are putting their foot down now, aren’t they? Ever since their golden opportunity at the beginning of the half, Cleorough have been truly dominant, producing an attack almost every couple of minutes and have only been shut down by the Chickens’ five-strong defensive unit. But this, now, has been almost undoubtedly their best chance of the contest and somehow, the hosts have kept them out… by a mere coat of paint on the woodwork. The header from Chromatik midfielder Dalah Oder, moved up for the game into more of a winger role, was a powerful one as he rose above Michael Hunt to accept Lucas Jabberee’s cross but alas, it was not to be for the Toucans as the header rebounded from the post, across the face of goal and into Scarlett Vallis’ safe arms.
59th minute - Breakfast Bowl FC 0–2 Mid-Capital
Yes, it really has opened up for the Sinks to take full advantage just five minutes away at Sentient Oval. With that somewhat clunky yet adequate finish from Rose Evans, there seems to be almost no way back for the Breakfast Bowls and if the Sinks can score, then it will be them who will be forced into a playoff with Western Avondale at the Avondale International Sports Stadium. Yet, we all know what happened at Walgabba Dome the last time these two teams locked horns. Can the hosts repeat the job again here in front of their home crowd and steal a draw from nothing?
60th minute - Kitchen Sink FC 0–0 Avondale Beach
And that was the chance they’ve been waiting for! The sensational counter, but the shot from the AC Vent is millimetres wide! Obviously a drill the Sinks have been working on and while they have dominated this fixture, the Pigeons have been able to achieve a spell of possession following half-time and this was yet another burst forward. Still, it left them open at the back and if it was not for Gabriel Oldaker’s stout defence keeping the AC Vent with very little time to put the shot away, it would’ve been 1-0. With only half an hour remaining left in the game, could frustration start to play a part in this?
62nd minute - Northampton Olympic 1–4 Kirkham Sentients
And it’s four. Like last time out against Mid-Capital, Northampton Olympic have been thoroughly outplayed here by a vastly better team and without lots of business in the off season, their paper-thin squad depth leaves them with very little heading into next year as their top players are likely to leave, although many are already on the bench due to form or injury. The goal itself was a sensational strike from the edge of the box from the Blender that caught many unawares, especially those in the green-clad jerseys of the Steel. With half an hour still to play and the scoreline 4-1, just how many could the Sentients score?
65th minute - Pesfield Trees 2–2 Betham FC
If this match had any true meaning to it, it would undoubtedly go down as one of the Toilet League classics. Alas, with the Trees having assured themselves of second and the Pandas third, nothing was at stake here. Yet, the 65,000 individuals who turned up to The Trees for the match have not been disappointed, with an absolute thriller of a match right in front of them. However, at this moment, many would have their heads in their hands as Gemma Rodway - one of the standout stars of the season that has been rewarded with a spot in the 26-player Campionato Esportiva squad - fired a relatively simple finish over the crossbar into the Fairley end. Was that Pesfield’s chance to regain the control of the match they had?
66th minute - Kirkham Appliances 2–2 Chamberley City
Sometimes, you need something from nothing to really get you going. Ever since half-time, this entertaining fixture has somewhat petered out, with neither side really able to cause many chances as the Appliances all but parked the bus with a 2-1 lead. However, all the Stars needed was one audacious cross followed by a stunning finish and boom, it’s anyone’s game. For Hayden Blamey to pluck that ball out of thin air only using his foot and tap it into the tiny gap the Brick Wall left between itself and the goalpost was simply ridiculous to watch and if it had occurred in a more important match, who knows how much interest it would attract?
68th minute - Pesfield Trees 2–2 Betham FC
Just when you think things couldn’t get more exciting, substitute defender Liney Vano has decided to do just that with one of the worst tackles you will ever see. He’s probably lucky to just get away with the yellow there alongside the penalty in all honesty; there was pretty much no point in arguing about it. Sure, he might’ve skimmed the ball, but when you full-on take down the player as well? In a game that has literally no meaning in the scheme of things, it’s a ridiculous act and he full well knows it.
69th minute - Pesfield Trees 2–3 Betham FC
Destiny Arias was never really going to have a problem with that, was she? What a penalty kick to put the Pandas ahead despite being on the back foot for large swathes of the game. Completely fooling Ryan Macleay with her body positioning, the 21-year-old up-and-coming superstar could only watch in despair as the Dagan forward, twelve years his senior, sent the ball into the opposite corner of the net as he dived to his left. Somehow, the visitors had found a way to score three goals despite the early dominance of the Trees as the fans in the stadium sat, rooted to the spot, refusing to believe what they were seeing.
69th minute - Avondale City 0–3 Capitol Athletic
And now they’re just boasting. While most people have to find a well-hidden key to unlock Avondale City’s defence, Capitol Athletic are simply too strong and with all that firepower up their sleeve, can smash through it as if it were made of paper. Pass after pass after pass for the Maroons and eventually, the Lime Greens’ defence lost hope as Kayla Johnstone received a pass across goal and thumped it home with exaggerated force with Edward Khan standing there helplessly, for the error was totally the defence’s and he had absolutely zero chance. Months onwards from Avondale City’s exceptional 3-1 triumph against this very team to throw a spanner in Capitol Athletic’s works, their cross-town rivals have absolutely destroyed every thought that they were going to dominate again at Kitchener and with the scoreline 3-0, you can’t help but thinking they could make it even more. 4-0 was on the cards and possibly - dare I say it - 5-0.
71st minute - Kirkham Appliances 2–3 Chamberley City
Oh, how the tables have turned in the space of five minutes! From the Appliances parking the bus at the start of the second half and seeming destined to scrape out as 2-1 victors, just one moment of sheer brilliance from Jack Ryland and Hayden Blamey and the floodgates have opened. All of a sudden, Quemmorese forward Great White Shark has awoken from his slumber in his final match for the club as he wishes a return to homelier waters and to celebrate, slotted an excellent through ball from Max Paterson into the top corner of the net for his twelfth goal of the season, a number that puts him in fifth place in the golden boot standings. With a goal and a lead, there truly would be nothing greater to sign off an excellent stint with the club if the Stars could hold on here.
73rd minute - Kirkham Appliances 2–3 Chamberley City
Nearly a second for the Great White Shark in the space of ninety seconds! The ball over the top from Janelle Oliver was brilliant at a first glance, but it just had a little too much on it as the Quemorrese forward couldn't quite control it before the angle was shut down too much by the Brick Wall. But this game is not over yet and if the Stars can create more chances and challenge for a fourth, then surely the hosts can attempt a third?
73rd minute - Breakfast Bowl FC 0–3 Mid-Capital
That is really not going to help things for the Breakfast Bowls. To go 2-0 down after holding on for the first half when you need at least a point to assure yourself of a place in the Sylestonean top flight is bad enough, but when your goalkeeper has a mind-boggling error to let in a third? At that point, you know that things are against you. Trust me, everyone in the stadium who witnessed that shitshow from the Cabinet, knows that at this point, Kitchen Sink FC almost seem destined for a late equaliser.
76th minute - Kitchen Sink FC 0–0 Avondale Beach
But through sheer luck, it’s stayed 0-0. While Breakfast Bowl FC fans are absolutely certain of their demise, the same is occurring over here at Sentient Oval. for the second time, a goal has been ruled out for the Sinks. The first one, the Milk Carton was offside by a coat of paint while here, the smallest foul on Avondale Beach midfielder Twater Harring has ruled out an excellent “header” from the Baby Wipes to cruelly deny them the chance to jump up into that precious thirteenth place. At this point, some conspiracy theorists out there must be thinking that, somehow, both of these teams will find a way to finish in fourteenth place together. obviously
76th minute - Pesfield Trees 3–3 Betham FC
Just how much have the Trees been missing Theofilos Stearas? If only he was not injured for the matches against Chamberley City, Capitol Athletic, AFC Droves and Avondale Beach, first place may still be up for grabs. Just the pure skill and finishing… that’s why he’s in this team. That’s eleven first-team goals for the 21-year-old Tikariotian this season, and we can only imagine that more are coming for the youngster as he continues his already fruitful career.
77th minute - Fridge FC 0–1 AFC Droves
It’s really happening. AFC Droves are surely qualifying for international football. After absorbing pressure throughout the game and only forcing the issue through counters, they’ve finally broken through, and what a way to do it. Jamie Wells, showing off the skills he honed in Chromatika by threading a direct free kick over the wall and past the Table, the goalkeeper with absolutely zero chance of reining it in. With only thirteen minutes plus stoppage remaining, surely Tahlia Dawson’s men and women have completed the job now.
77th minute - Northampton Olympic 1–4 Kirkham Sentients
In one instant, the entire away portion of Northampton Gardens has descended into painful groans. For once, supporters of the Kirkham Sentients are egging on their cross-town enemies in the form of Fridge FC to score, and quickly. Sure, the Sentients might be 4-1 up but without a Fridge FC victory over at Sentient Oval, their hopes of IFCF qualification will vanish for the season. After being in third place for so much of the year and seriously challenging the top two, they were now on the brink of having to settle for fifth.
86th minute - Kitchen Sink FC 0–1 Avondale Beach
It would’ve been a penalty anyway, but surely the Sinks aren’t coming back from this. A 2v2 inside the penalty area as a result of a dogged counter-attack from the Pigeons and boom, with Sophia Buchanan about to finish the job, the Pestle and Mortar just had to come in and take her legs out from underneath her. Considering the nature of the Sentient, there was no wonder the forward opted to writhe in pain on the ground, even after her touch fell straight to Charlie May, who slotted the ball into the near corner of the goal to kill the atmosphere in the stadium. Only four minutes, plus whatever stoppage time was added on, remained in the match and despite dominating, the Sinks were all but out of contention for their place in the Toilet League.
86th minute - Breakfast Bowl FC 0–3 Mid-Capital
Weak cheers, more of relief than of excitement, gripped the Home of Glorious Sentient Objects as the announcement arrived over the loudspeaker that Avondale Beach had indeed scored. Despite their shambolic showing here, the Breakfast Bowls were on the verge of scraping through to retain their place in the Toilet League without having to go down the treacherous path of playoffs, where anything can happen in ninety minutes. After all, just look at what happened between Southern Beaches and Excelsior!
87th minute - Fridge FC 1–1 AFC Droves
Could there be another twist in the tale? To come so close, only to have the chance at an IFCF berth in the Challengers Cup snatched away from them at the last moment possible? Football can be a cruel game sometimes and no matter the result here, one of AFC Droves or Kirkham Sentients will be going home feeling very hard done by indeed. Perhaps more so in the Burgers’ case - after all, for their team to pull off this sort of result is simply remarkable, while the Sentients only truly deserved the spot for two-thirds of the season before their stunning demise despite their 4-1 lead against a shambolic Northampton Olympic. But with the Fridges scoring a late goal here through the Garlic Crusher after a mistake from centre-back James Isobar, could the Sentients find a lifeline?
90th minute - Northampton Olympic 1–5 Kirkham Sentients
Could that be one of the least dramatic celebrations seen this season in the Toilet League? It’s yet another goal for the Sentients - their fifth of the match - but they have simply refused to celebrate, for unless the Fridges can produce a last-minute winner over the AFC Droves, it will be worthless. To sum up the atmosphere in the ground, it was a bit of a shit goal, too, with the Scissors only just scraping a mistimed finish after the ball across the face of goal evaded all Northampton Olympic players. In fact, the unbalanced Kai Fletcher nearly managed to reel it in but ultimately, by the time he got to the ball, it had already dribbled over the line.
Stoppage time (90+3) - Kirkham Appliances 2–3 Chamberley City
Oh, how close was that? Thankfully it’s a game that doesn’t matter, else the Heater would be absolutely devastated. It’s a sensational strike from the edge of the box but ultimately, the goalpost has protected the Stars’ lead at Kirkham City Arena, with the ball generously rebounding to Archie Kleeberg, who belted it way up the field.
Stoppage time (90+7) - Kitchen Sink FC 0–1 Avondale Beach
The Sinks might have to deal with a heated playoff against Western Avondale, but at least their defence is showing some resolve. After a corner kick was cleared by midfielder Toby Smith with every single Kitchen Sink FC player up in and around the box, the sheer pace the Baby Wipes produced to keep the scoreline 1-0 with a goal-line clearance and deny Cassidy Dwyer was something else. It showed the determination that had been lacking all season and despite the negative result, at least there is something positive for the Sinks to take out of this match, even if it is just one lone effort. If they can show that sort of resolve next week, then a comfortable victory should be on the cards, even if their opponents have much at stake themselves.
Awards
Golden Boot: Alyssa Hightower
- Capitol Athletic (17 goals)Silver Boot: Harrison Reynolds
- Avondale City and Tumble Dryer - Kirkham Sentients (15 goals)Golden Glove: Callum Holmes
- Capitol Athletic (16 clean sheets)Silver Glove: Brick Wall
- Kirkham Appliances (16 clean sheets)Bronze Glove: Timothy Jameson
- AFC Droves (14 clean sheets)Best Young Player (U23): Theofilos Stearas (21)
- Pesfield TreesPlayer of the Year: Gemma Rodway
- Pesfield TreesSeason Roundup
1st - Capitol Athletic: Well, it’s been a season where almost nothing has gone wrong for the Maroons, racking up a mammoth seventy points with 21 wins and seven draws, only losing a mere two games. While they can be expected to produce similar results next season with a similar squad, many of their regular starters are ageing - next season, Luke Mitchell will be 36 if he opts not to retire, Joseph Tasserton will be 34, James Heagney, Ethan Everest and Aaron Dodge 33, Jeremy Smith 32, while Jason Williams and Alyssa Hightower will be 31. As a result, Brian Murphy may opt to bring in a couple more defenders at the back and with Bianca Barkman somewhat falling beneath the radar throughout the season, the search for a quality central midfielder may continue. There are also rumours spreading pertaining to the signing of another forward, with an eye on moving Levin Voigt to more of an impact substitute role despite the 18-year-old’s eleven goals throughout the season rendering him very unlucky to not be awarded the Toilet League’s best young player. However, it’s important for the Maroons to try and keep a similar setup, as one of their key aspects on the field is their teamwork, feeding golden boot Alyssa Hightower with goal after goal while Callum Holmes completes the work between the sticks with sixteen clean sheets from 28 league appearances.
2nd - Pesfield Trees: Somehow, despite having the Player of the Year and Best Young Player on their team, the Trees could not manage to drive any advantage they had over the Maroons home as they ended up in second place. While losing Theofilos Stearas for a third of the season cost the Trees dearly, so did their inability to maintain their successful performances for the full thirty game season. With five games remaining, Pesfield found themselves with a two-point lead over Capitol Athletic but alas, could only manage three points - all from draws - from their final five encounters to slump to second, handing the Maroons the title on a plate. Still, ahead of next season, Player of the Year recipient Gemma Rodway has all but confirmed she will be staying true to her four-year contract with her club, while other standout performers such as Eden Holt, Ryan Macleay, Luisa Johnson and Theofilos Stearas appears likely to follow the same path. Moreso, three of those aforementioned players are currently below 22 years of age and if the Trees can keep them around as they blossom further, who knows how dangerous they could become in the foreseeable future?
3rd - Betham FC: It took them a long time to find their groove but come the final months, the Pandas were truly up there with one of the best teams in the competition. However, not many are convinced by their defence and despite the efforts of Sophia Pearson and Sofia Gunson, Aidan Poole appeared a little lacklustre for the majority of the season save a few performances and as a result, it will not be a surprise to many if Arjun Kohli looks to make a change at the back. However, almost everyone else has been firing, with Destiny Arias finishing fourth on the golden boot standings with fourteen goals, while winger Marie-Louise Ayotte-Beaudin was selected in the Toilet League’s best XI. with Jonah Hickson turning 35 next year and only having a year left on his contract, it will not surprise many if he is downgraded to a reserve come the start of next season.
4th - AFC Droves: This story will be told for years upon years, of how a club who only just staved off relegation in their first-ever season in the Toilet League managed to seal a top four spot the following season. Sure, the four-year hiatus certainly helped things for Tahlia Dawson but even so, pre-season predictions only had them finishing as high as ninth or tenth despite a vastly improved defensive lineup. What ensued over the next ten months will undoubtedly go down as one of the greatest Sylestonean footballing stories, something that many will tell to their children and grandchildren as the years pass by. Everyone shone like a star for the Burgers, doing just enough to stave off the Kirkham Sentients to seal fourth place by the skin of their teeth. Expect Dawson to spend money on a midfielder or two over the off season, or perhaps grab another defender but elsewhere, there really isn’t much in the way of issues that require fixing just yet.
5th - Kirkham Sentients: Considering how stiff Toilet League competition is at the top, you cannot afford to slump for a single match, else you face the possibility of a rival overtaking you. And no matter how well you do for two-thirds of a competition, faltering in the other third is all but a death sentence. That is what the Sentients so cruelly discovered as they searched - in vain - for their first-ever top four Toilet League berth after only securing ten points from their final ten fixtures. They have the team to go all the way and as a result, limited changes can be expected, but if they cannot find their groove and stamina for the whole season, it will be wasted.
6th - Chamberley City: They always seemed to be in contention but like the Sentients, simply could not get the job done. After hanging around the fifth or sixth spot for the entire season, the Stars showed they could compete with the best - after all, they did defeat the Trees 2-1 in Pesfield - but several lapses against the Toilet League’s weaker teams saw them fall four points short of fourth place come the season finale. Still, you can’t help but feeling that the only way is up for this Chamberley outfit and with a couple more signings - such as at centre back, in the midfield and on the wings - they could become a true title contender. However, with the Great White Shark choosing to cut his tenure and return to the depths of the Quemorr Isles, a quality forward will be of necessity for the Stars, even more so than players in those other positions. Other standout performers from the season included the likes of Hayden Blamey, Max Paterson and Lilah Buchanan, with the latter deservedly awarded with a spot in the Toilet League team of the season.
7th - Avondale City: From being title contenders before the Toilet League’s hiatus to falling to mid-table, Avondale City’s main issue has been their consistency - something perfectly summed up as they defeated Mid-Capital 5-0 before slumping to a 4-0 defeat a week later to Kirkham Sentients. They have had some strong performers - Harrison Reynolds was awarded the Silver Boot alongside the Tumble Dryer with fifteen goals, while Isabella Cross, Aoi Kyouka, Amelia Stanton and Charlotte Eastwood from the bench were all reliable - but their team cohesion was not great. Although goalkeeper Edward Khan had some superb games, he was equally atrocious in others and his inconsistency essentially summed up the Lime Greens’ season. Heading into next year, John Lawson is expected to try and shore up his defence with at least one centre back, while perhaps spending on an attacking midfielder after Kyle Miller’s failures. But ultimately, gaining that team cohesion through friendlies and rigorous training over the off season seems to be the priority for Avondale City and without that, another poor season looms.
8th - Mid-Capital: A mixed season for the Trains, who were able to seize a respectable finish despite never really setting the tournament alight. Melissa Houghton, Victoria Korner and Rose Evans’ work up front was certainly a highlight, as was Rachel Doyle and Bethany Cunningham’s control of the midfield and even Thike Saleh put in his shift as a goalkeeper. However, it was the defence that let the Trains down, time and time again, while Harrison Gilchrist had a season from hell, only scoring four goals in 25 starts, most of them tap-ins. And that isn’t all the problems at the Kirton club, for Manny Weasel has announced his resignation and as a result, they will be in search of a new manager over the transfer window alongside shoring up on defenders - something they dearly lack.
9th - Kirkham Appliances: It has been a season from hell from the pre-season title challengers as on paper, they undoubtedly have one of the best squads in the competition. The Brick Wall still did enough to be awarded the Silver Glove but other than it, the Appliances struggled for form. The Mixer was particularly ineffective in the midfield, struggling for goals and assists and forcing the Heater to do its best with its limited opportunities. The attacking midfielder should consider itself lucky to be selected in the 26-player squad to South Newlandia for the Campionato Esportiva. Simply, their cohesion was not there this season and moving forward, the Loudspeaker is going to have to do a hell of a lot to ensure that it evades the hammer - a poor start to next season will almost certainly spell an end to its successful tenure with the club.
10th - Cleorough: It’s been a bit of a mixed season for Elias Hammerschmidt and his players, being threatened by relegation for the majority of the season before finishing the season in fine form with ten points from their last four games. With one of the largest budgets in the Toilet League, the Zeta Rekan manager has promised his club’s supporters that they will spend big on a new forward and goalkeeper, with Ryan Mitchell and Benjamin Chapman both struggling, while a centre-back and a right-midfielder are also a priority. Lucas Jabberee had a decent season but at 34 years of age, the need to develop or sign another right-back is also a requirement, although 21-year-old Harvey Martin certainly showed his prowess in the Potty League and may be worthy of a callup. The standout star of the season was undoubtedly winger Abigail McNair, while Harper Weiss, Dalah Oder and Josh Pearson should all be proud of their efforts for the club - the fans certainly are. But change is needed and if Hammerschmidt cannot ring in the changes and get them to gel, then his second chance at the club may be over come the conclusion of next season.
11th - Avondale Beach: From four points after eleven matches, for the Pigeons to jump up into eleventh with 31 points from their final 19 matches - with a record of eight wins, seven draws and only four losses - Keira Walcott’s ability to produce such a turnaround has certainly left many surprised and somewhat, in awe. Like many Toilet League clubs, Avondale Beach seem to have a shortage of centre-backs, while signing or nurturing quality wingers is also a must. The midfield seemed to fire more often than not after Norman Selby’s sacking although with Twater Harring’s contract up, there may be a search for a quality player on the left. However, if Isla Bradfield and Toby Mackey can perform as they did this season, Cassidy Dwyer is unlikely to be short of chances, with the 27-year-old excelling with her crisp finishing. This transfer window is likely to be a crucial one for the Pigeons - if they can buy a few key players, then the future appears bright but with rival clubs also strengthening, the lack of fresh faces may prove to be their downfall.
[b]12th - Fridge FC: Despite spending a significant amount of the season hanging around the mid-table, a struggle towards the back end saw Fridge FC fall down towards the lower table, although they were never really in danger of relegation. Due to the failures of all clubs owned by Vdaran company Kitchen Sink, the Sentient Football Federation has reached a deal with Kitchen Sink as the company puts more focus on the relegation-threatened Breakfast Bowls and Sinks, the latter of whom is going to have to defeat Western Avondale to seal their spot in the Toilet League, else relegation to the Poo League will follow. For the Fridges, the Garbage Bin seems set to continue as manager for another season and with some of the best Sentient defenders and midfielders in their team, a return to the Poo League does not appear likely in the foreseeable future. However, with rivals able to strengthen themselves with the introduction of overseas players, it only seems to be a matter of time until relegation occurs unless Sentients suddenly get better at football.
13th - Breakfast Bowl FC: Although they are, on paper, weaker than the Kitchen Sinks and at no point appeared assured of themselves, the Breakfast Bowls have done just enough to ensure that they will be in the Toilet League for season eight and if reports are correct, will receive a few of Kitchen Sink FC’s top players, should they be relegated. But as the Sinks and Appliances - both former champions - showed, quality players is not necessarily a recipe for success if they cannot gel together into a team and that will be on the mind of the Whiteboard Marker as it prepares for a potentially significant shake-up. The Kitchen Sink and Ironing Board both performed well all season, while the Bookshelf, Spiderwebs and Spatula all had their moments but ultimately, it was not enough to take them out of relegation contention. In fact, the only thing that kept them out of the bottom three was their regular ability to produce upsets via underestimation - something that is undoubtedly going to change come next season as teams prepare for their style of play more. It will take some doing even if a shake-up ensues, but a decent finish next season is still a possibility through determination.
14th - Kitchen Sink FC: How on earth does a team with the Pot, Baby Wipes, Stove, AC Vent and Spork fail so badly that they are only able to muster 28 points from an entire Toilet League season, despite having more clean sheets than ten other clubs with ten? Simply, the Sinks could not gel at any point during the season and as a result, the Light Bulb has been sacked, with the Dishwashing Detergent reportedly to follow if they cannot defeat Western Avondale in the playoff. Two managers sacked in the one season and relegation to the Poo League for a former champion. How bad would that be?
15th - Northampton Olympic: If they had somehow survived the Toilet League, the necessary changes could have been made but now, with relegation staring them in the face, they do not have the opportunity. Unfortunately, the Steel’s original XI have not been able to perform as they should despite Brianna Herzog’s heroics and as a result, the likes of the Boston twins and a few others are likely to have their contract terminated as they seek a rebuild in the Poo League.
16th - Katham: The less said about them the better. They were shit and their future is far from bright.
← Delphi Lionesses 
($2,000,000)
Sydberg Olympic ($1,250,000)
← November City Sporting Club 
← Brisara FC 
← Urrheddiao 
← Perce Town 
($3,000,000)
← Mancodas Athletic FC 
($4,000,000)
← Loxthorpe Rovers FC 
← Sielhafen 1.FC 
← Der Berg FK 
($2,000,000)
← Vanguard Sukalonga 
→ Trojana Condommakers FC 
← Nilayam United 
← SC Rennerheim 
Aberdeen 85’
← Garçons du Port 
($2,500,000)
← Akademiezh Mell-Droad Gouvanarch 
← Perce Town 
($750,000)
← Colesham Rovers 
← Jinja City FC 
($2,000,000)
← Swangard Athletic 
← Herona Calcio Primavera 
