- “…good conditions on Lake Mittiyack that the full slate of repêchage races should be able to take place on this busy day.”
“Nice use of the circumflex, Brian.”
“This is radio – how could you tell?”
Several minutes of contemplative silence.
“…Harman still in the lead but Samantha Viktorsdóttir of some country called … Græntfjall, I think? … pulling back fast now. Racing the clock not each other, this is a fast heat and both could go through, but Harman would love the morale boost of beating a former Olympic medallist, they’re level, computer has Harman falling behind, eyes on the clock. The powerful Viktorsdóttir lunges in to the wall, the rather less powerful Harman glides in a tenth of a second behind her but with just two heats left that time of 2:11.75 is good enough for 10th place! Harman would be disappointed not to make the semifinal with that time as she’s splashing around with great enthusiasm. Viktorsdóttir the victor, haha, cutting a more sedate figure, eyes scanning the pool carefully for any sign of kraken.”
“And while we wait for the next two heats that will determine whether Hayley Harman goes through in the medley sprint, a quick update from the Somer County Club where Jack Fry has broken Jack Ho for a second time. The tennis off to an early start this morning because of the huge number of entrants and Fry looking good against the home athlete, taking the first set. I think we can pretty clearly predict total and comprehensive victory from here.”
“Agreed, Brian, a sample size of one should be decisive.”
“And now back to the Natatorium for the next heat…”
“…Nate Bell still in the second pack, chasing a group of about 12 riders who’ve gone off the front at South Gully National Park. Sapping conditions, the riders sweatier than a bunch of pregnant nuns, quite removed from the cool, dry conditions Bell is used to in the Hannasean Alps so he’s doing well to stay with the chasers at this stage.”
“Four years ago he fell and broke his collarbone at Orean, of course, so this is very much a redemption ride for him, and just finishing would be an accomplishment.”
“Loftier aspirations for Johanna Mathis, his teammate who won bronze four years ago and will be riding for a shot at the podium tomorrow. Can she do it?”
“No lol.”
“Did you just say ‘lol’, Brian?”
More existential silence.
Harsh buzzing sound.
“…score another for Mio. Oh dear, this is turning into something of a rout for Carter Lowe. Four years of Olympic training and the long emotional journey to Electrum, and five minutes into proceedings at the Agri Town Hall he’s on the cusp of elimination. They face off again, Lowe strikes but it’s the thigh and that will not score a point.”
“Let’s check in at the Grenville Guildhall to see if things go any better for Hannaseans trying to fight without a sword as Jack Dawson begins his 73kg judo campaign aaannnddd it’s over. Waza-ari to Dzvonimir Tuntev.”
“What’s a ari?”
“No, waza-ari. It’s a term for a scoring throw. Like when Tuntev just tossed poor old Jack like a battered housewife just there.”
“Brian, do you think we need to talk about appropriate similes sometime?”
“What’s a good simile for ‘fucked’? Because Carter Lowe has just been knocked out.”
“…and Nate Bell finishes in a respectable 30th place. Well out of the medals but after his horror show four years ago can be very proud of that performance. And I think we have our roving reporter on the scene to interview him. Brian?”
“I’m here with Nate Bell, who’s just finished 30th in the men’s MTB event. Nate, it looked wetter than a mermaid’s minge out there with the humidity. Difficult conditions?”
“It wasn’t pleasant, but we knew coming here that it was going to be a jungle-like setting so it’s what we’ve been training for.”
“Still, humid as a hippo’s arse in summer, can’t have made it easy in the saddle. Did you play it safe because of what happened in Orean?”
“No, I gave it all I could, I just didn’t have enough to stay with the lead group once they broke away. But I beat some good riders today and I’m just proud to have represented Team HF at the Olympics again. This will probably be my last ever Games so I feel I’ve finished on a high.”
“Of course you’ve finished on a high, you’re a cyclist, you must be high as balls right now. Anyway good luck and well done. Back to you, Brian.”
“…two pointer from Jack Weaver! Hannasea are on fire here against Sargossa, up 12 – 5 already, 7 of those points to Jack Weaver.”
“3x3 basketball is proving that good hard fundamentals still count for a lot. No need for any of the poetry or lesbian sex the 5x5 team are experimenting with over at the IBC in Chromatika.”
“Excuse me now?”
“And Sargossa have called for their time-out. They need to find a way back into this game. So while they regroup, let’s check in on some other results from around the Terranean Coast. Kaldtfjell have claimed gold in the women’s team archery, no Hannasean interest there but nice to see a fellow Esportivan nation doing well.”
“In the pool, Hayley Harman outperformed expectations to make the 200 m individual medley semi-finals and… exactly performed expectations by sucking ass in said semi-final. Better news for Kieran Beahan, 3rd in his 200 m butterfly semi which means a second final for him, let’s hope he can improve on his 7th from the 400 m individual medley.”
“And in team sport. We know tomorrow is a huge day with rugby, hockey, football and gymnastics all on the schedule, but spare a thought for volleyball, historically one of Hannasea’s weakest sports owing to the extreme shortness of our women players.”
“Not ideal for volleyball.”
“No. But they’re top of their group! Another upset win, this time over Liventia, took them to five sets but closed them out, captain Zoey Tran with a fantastic block at the net.”
“Great news from a team whose existence will be forgotten the moment a hockey player so much as touches their foot to the astroturf.”
“…wow! That was an exciting shoot-off, six rounds all told to determine the men’s skeet. Kelssek’s Padgraig Bleddyn eventually claims it after sharing an Olympic record-tying 59 with Jericho “Jeb!”* Bush.”
“Next up will be the women’s final, sadly not featuring Hannasean flag bearer Ruth Stewart who failed to make it through qualifying.”
“On the bright side her errant shooting has maimed fewer of her teammates than usual.”
“The real Olympic spirit. But, hold on, some exciting breaking news, there will be some Hannasean interest in the final of the…”
“HOCKEY!”
“…no.”
“GYMNASTICS!!”
“…no.”
“RUGBY!!!”
“…no.”
Several minutes of silence while they try to remember what other Olympic sports there even are.
“Canoe slalom?”
“Got it in (nearly) one! Amelia Kelly with a storming semifinal run and she’s going to be in this afternoon’s women’s K-1 final.”
“…O’Brien beats Winter to the ball. Flicks a pass to Morris, who – lashes it past Gille! Hannasea regain the lead in this see-sawing match.”
“A see-saw in a swimming pool would be pretty boring, actually.”
“It’d certainly spice up the diving.”
“Yeah, the Hannasean divers’ ‘double twisting pike into a half-facing stomach plant’ failed to impress the judges.”
“Ulm with the last shot but that doesn’t threaten Colling, and Hannasea have won! 9–8, what a gruelling encounter but a deserved win for Brenden Morton’s men. Ben Morris the real star, winning sprint after sprint, and O’Brien led the scoring with 3 goals.”
“But now let’s get back to the Somer Urban Park where Amelia Kelly’s run is about to begin. Ethel McCoy of Amuaplye has laid down the time to beat. Kelly launching 8th and she is off!”
“Takes the first gates well. Not the biggest paddler, Kelly, relies more on skill than brute forcing the currents. Got a little caught up there at Gate 8 and has lost time but avoids a penalty. Heading into the first time check she’s in bronze medal position, behind McCoy and Adnyani, but with the Mytanar yet to come will want to improve on that.”
“Ooh nearly hit the pole there but going off course slightly has actually helped her ride that next rapid a little faster.”
“This is a great racing line from Kelly, into the tricky Gate 17, gets round clean, just the one penalty on her so far, and now to race for him. Paddling hard, stops the clock at … 97.39! Very consistent from her, almost an identical time to her semi-final and even a penalty at the same Gate 14. Probably not good enough for a medal but for now she’s in second with four paddlers left…”














































