Burgeoisie Bugle
Campionato Group Stage: In Review
Percival Thompson
The grand return of the Licentians to the hosting world progresses to the knockout rounds with a flurry of surprising results. Chief among those are our very own Ranchers managing their very first undefeated group stage, in a tournament we very nearly didn't enter! Coverage on the tourney has been light due to the FA trying to cover up their bureaucratic incompetence that very nearly left us watching from the outside, but I finally convinced the big wigs here at the Bugle that we couldn't afford to not run a story on this amazing success story the team has pulled out on short notice.
The first thing to note is the group we were drawn into. E, alongside the hosting Licentians themselves, a temporarily reawoken Hinodejin, and spunky newcomers Castlelobruxo. The obvious reaction to this, especially on further elucidation that the Castlelobruxoans are Literal Wizards whose form of football evolved from Quidditch, is "holy fucking shit." There's much to be said about decayed legacies and new, inexperienced generations underperforming their renown and all that jazz—but seeing two giants of Esportivan football getting slid into your group when you're already the second seed is an uncommon experience. It may not be a particularly quality vintage of the Cyan-and-Gold, but they're playing at home and with a fire to live up to their pedigree. The Hinodejin, meanwhile, are no doubt secure in their legacy with a chock-full trophy cabinet. That means that even if this isn't their old world-beating team of multiversal-class footballers, they're still dangerous wildcards. Especially with the interesting experimental teams they've tried in years past.
The opening match was a real barnstormer, with the Ranchers rising up to meet the... unique challenge that was facing the Licentians in Abingdon's Coliseum of the Gaels. It's a town that's got their fair share of what some might call "real fans," and the turnout for the opening matchday made that quite apparent. Flares and chants abounded as the spirit of the Campionato took hold of the home crowd. Perhaps a wee bit of thuggishness was happening nearby the stadium beforehand. But the Ranchers refused to be intimidated by these displays, as excited as they were to actually be playing football that mattered again. They took the game by the horns, pushing up and keeping play in the Licentian half of the field as much as possible even if they weren't dominating possession. It'd come to a head with Erick Honeycutt silencing the home fans with a powerful shot that Caitlin Fraser just barely got a finger on—not enough to detract it from its course, and enough to probably leave the captain with a stinging sensation in the hand.
The Coliseum isn't to be quieted for long, however, and an offensive was quickly built by the home side and an equalizer found by the boot of Stahlberg winger Wisse Tuininga. It was enabled by a brilliant through-ball from Arlo McGregor, and enabled a resurgence from the fans that exploded at their first goal of the tourney. That thriller of a first half wouldn't last, however. The second half was a much more cagey affair as both defenses tried to account for how incisively they'd been cut up for a goal each, and shots on goal were sparse and easily contained by either keeper. It wouldn't be until the dying minutes that good ol' Sunshine found the daylight they needed to slot home the winner, slinging their shirt off in celebration. Absolute scenes as the ref flashed them the yellow card—most of the fans booing the ref for their draconian standards, the local casuals chanting “put them titties away!,” and Sunshine giving them the biggest shit-eating grin while running a lap around the pitch.
Putting the hosts away on opening day is obviously an incredible start to a tourney, but just as important is not underestimating the so-called “minnows” that infest international footballing waters. Castleloruxo is one of those odd new nations that crop up every few cycles and draw a bit of buzz—sometimes they coalesce into a regional power like South Newlandia, many other times they flame out without so much as a whimper. With the gusto that the Castlelobruxoans have taken to the Campionato, from their team of enigmatic names such as Dragonweed Shadowdrip and Spidersquawk Blackscream to the statement win in their first fixture over the Hinodejin, I’d bet on the earlier. Newtspoon Fearstench had the travelling Burgeoisie fans holding their noses with a brilliant hat trick; on several occasions he single-handedly beat the Rancher defense with a seemingly magical touch. Having moved into the much more low-key confines of Burnside’s Stonehouse, one of the smallest Licentian stadia chosen to host, it’s possible the fire the team had lit against the hosts had dwindled away as first-half chances were few and far between. It was only thanks to a rookie mistake on the part of the Castlobruxoan defense that we were on the board at all pre-70 minutes, as Celeste Forester nervelessly converted the gift of a penalty.
There’s an argument to be made that if the new squad had let things stand at 2-1 for the rest of the match, they’d have had a clear path to the win. The Burgeoisie chances started appearing, but things were still out of sync—passes weren’t lining up right, attacks were going a bit askew, and it led to Wormsquawk Newtsmoke having a series of routine saves to make. It was Fearstench’s third goal that seemed to rekindle the fire, calling upon the ol’ grit and determination. Nothing we love more than a good come-from-behind story and boy, is scoring three goals in the final 15 minutes to take the lead exactly what the doctor ordered. Wendolyn Fairburn got things started again with a masterful curl past Newtsmoke from the side of the penalty box, and Sunshine came back ‘round to do what they do best: take dumb shots that somehow work in the most critical of junctures. And rip their shirt off after scoring the winning goal with seconds left in regular time. The Licentian neutrals in the crowd were more ready for it this time, but the referee was still having none of it and another yellow means Sunshine isn’t going to be playing against the Hinodejin. Considering how good a position we were in to advance with a second win, this may have been a savvy way to clear out the cards… as well as to show off the goods, as they’re wont to do.
As for the Hinodejin match (Editor’s note: Had to replace all of his ‘Hinodijen’s with the correct demonym, because we hire extremely competent reporters), it was a bit of an enigma as many things are with the land of the sunrise. It’d be a sunrise with no sunshine, but Buster McDavid rose to the occasion in a rare start for the Los Burgeles striker. A brace to call his own that outpaced the single goal the opposition put up, though what a goal it was—as if a ray of light came down from the heavens but instead of light it was a football. Levi Odell had naught to do but pray for it to hit the crossbar, and that prayer went unanswered. Luckily whatever divinity deigned to grace the pitch that day must have gotten bored and wandered off, leaving the Ranchers to establish and maintain a lead to achieve our very first three-win group stage! Exciting times indeed.
The results of the play-in round—which we thankfully avoided thanks to our first-place finish—mean we’ll be hopping over to Montfort to face off with the Grearish Union, one of the big movers in Esportiva’s political landscape and a shaker in the current Esportivan Union talks that the Grand Duke resolutely refuses to acknowledge. It’s an exciting prospect to be sure, so make sure you all tune in to see Burgburgh’s traditional round of sixteen exit!
