Inaugural CAFA Cup: RP/Scores Thread

[Kotzellach]

Die Kotzellacher Zeitung
International Edition

CAFA CUP DRAW: Red Foxes To Play Pyazhnaya, Vdara

The Red Foxes awake today knowing they have to get a result against nations like Pyazhnaya or one-time World Cup qualifiers Vdara in order to get out of their six-man group. The group — not the strongest by any means — sees the Kotzellachians go up against primitives in Avorago, some Cocoabos and some proper opposition in Xuois, Vdara and Pyazhnaya. Manager Bernard Schöber, speaking to the Zeitung after the release of the draw, reacted positively, saying that the team was "ready for whatever awaits us in Legalese."

TEAMS PREVIEW

Avorago - The team, in a miraculous appearance, come from a small island south of Ko-oren; and seem to have a technological advancement of "fire". Regardless, they are not to be underestimated; they play a hyperattacking style of football. If they are not already tired from rowing all the way from their island nation, then they will prove to be formidable opponents for the Red Foxes.

Cocoabo Forest - Another match which will go down in the Red Foxes' books as an anomaly more than anything, the cocoabos are sentient bird-like creatures who originate from just north of Krytenia. Their star players include their goalkeepers — #86, as it is called, and another who plays for Oljestaden iF in Audioslavia. An intriguing tactical matchup, for sure.

Xuois - A team from a colonial state, the Xuoisans are all amateur footballers; but as with every other side in this competition, should not be underestimated. There will be a different kind of technical challenge here, as Schöber will have to break down the defensive lines they will most likely field.

Vdara - One-time World Cup qualifiers, the Vdarans will look to attack, attack and attack again; this will certainly be the hardest match of the group the team will be involved in. Withstanding their constant attacks and exploiting their high line will be crucial to any success the team will have here.

Pyazhnaya - A formerly isolationist country located in the far northwest of the region, Pyazhnaya will provide an interesting technical dilemma against the most evenly-matched side of the tournament the Red Foxes will face; whether the team should attack against a side as similarly defensive as the Foxes.

All games involving Kotzellach will be broadcast live on KBC 3.

KOTZELLACH SQUAD vs AVORAGO — Match 1
Starters: 1 - Zeidler; 2 - Knauer, 4 - Starke, 5 - Engels, 3 - Balzer; 14 - Kruger, 8 - Foster, 6 - Preuß, 10 - Borchert, 9 - Winter; 11 - Weller
Subs: 12 - Kirschner, 23 - Vogel; 18 - Höhn, 16 - Koller, 20 - Bolz, 19 - Ries; 7 - Heine, 13 - Eberle, 15 - Brauer, 17 - Gerhardt, 21 - Trautmann; 22 - Heinemann

---

In preparation for the upcoming season of the Kotzellachian Premier Division,
Die Kotzellacher Zeitung presents...

Bregenzer FC

Roster


Pos	No	Name			Age	Sex	Nationality
MGR		Hans-Ulrich Albrecht	60	M	Kotzellach

Starters
GK	1	Norman Vogel		23	M	Kotzellach
LB	2	Evi Schnabel		27	F	Kotzellach
CB	16	Albert Baumgärtner	27	M	Kotzellach
CB	5	Rebecca Hölscher	26	F	Kotzellach
RB	3	Leon Stein		33	M	Kotzellach
CM	4	Lisa Thiemann		28	F	Kotzellach
CM	6	Christoph Mangold	24	M	Kotzellach
LW	7	Rudi Amann		28	M	Kotzellach
CAM	10	Tamara Gerhardt		19	F	Kotzellach
RW	9	Tino Merten		22	M	Kotzellach
ST	11	Hans-Jürgen Jahnke	27	M	Kotzellach

Subs
GK	12	Falko Hansen		18	M	Kotzellach
LB	13	Bjorn Hartl		29	M	Kotzellach
CB	15	Siegfried Wichmann	23	M	Kotzellach
CB	19	Gebhard Heitmann	25	M	Kotzellach
RB	16	Heide Berthold		25	F	Kotzellach
CM	8	Halina Hellmann		23	F	Kotzellach
CM	18	Daniela Finke		31	F	Kotzellach
LW	17	Cassandra Elsner	18	F	Kotzellach
RW	22	Helena Biermann		30	F	Kotzellach
ST	14	Christine Schwab	18	F	Kotzellach

Bold indicates players in the national team.

Quick Facts

Location: Bregenz, Reiss Islands
Last Season: 2.Liga, 1st
Stadium: Sportpark Bregenzer, 25,000 capacity
Nickname: die Veilchen
Manager: Hans-Ulrich Albrecht, 60
Style of Play: Take the play to the opposition.
Prediction: Relegation candidates
Support them if...: You like seeing another underdog team, you like seeing attacking football being played by a lower-ranked side! You just like the colour purple.

LAST SEASON: WINNERS of the 2.Liga, Bregenzer are no strangers to the rigours of the 1.Liga; but most are excited to see how they perform under manager Hans-Ulrich Albrecht, who has proclaimed that his team, regardless of what happens, will try to play proper, attacking football — and utilise his fast, exciting squad to make the most of Albrecht-ball, which emphasises verticality and playing through the middle.

HISTORY: die Veilchen historically played in dark blue, owing to their status as the westernmost city in Kotzellach — thus being the first port of call for most Quebecois sailors. In the early 1900s, though, a chance encounter with some Starblaydi merchants led to the team switching to purple — both as a result of the old dark blue shirts getting lost and requiring new colours, and also just generally because they thought the kits looked snazzy. They've been around in the league system, going from league champions sometime in the 50s to the third tier in the 80s; but longserving manager Albrecht has steadied the ship, and implemented a brand of football that's aesthetically pleasing to the eye.

EXPECTATIONS: Most supporters expect for Bregenzer to at least give up some fight, but it's difficult to not see them in that relegation scrap near the end of the season. Many a neutral will be hoping for that not to come to pass, however.

STYLE OF PLAY: As mentioned earlier, Albrecht-ball emphasises verticality, playing through the middle and constant moving; players can expect to run a lot. Good thing this squad's on the younger side.

KEY PLAYERS: Tamara Gerhardt is undoubtedly the young, beating heart of the side; her style of play is often compared to the captain of the Kotzellachians' northern neighbours, one Bianca Fiore. Passionate, smart on the ball, and sporting a wicked right foot, Gerhardt is Bregenz born-and-bred, and will certainly be key in the team's push to stay up. Other important players include shotstopper Norman Vogel, rightback and captain Leon Stein and spiry and quick winger Tino Merten.

[Krytenia]

Group C
Krytenia
Ko-oren
Aut-Ves-Nat
Audioslavia
Starblaydia
Huayramarca

Rami Niblick looked at the draw for about the seventeenth time and blinked.

"...nnnnnope."

(OOC: Sorry, couldn't resist.)

[Osarius]

“Mac,” a muffled voice from outside the room called. “Mac!”

Odell McIntosh stepped away from his desk, covered in notes and files, to open the door.

“You see the draw?!” Dominic, his assistant, asked excitedly.

“Of course,” Odell frowned. “What do you think I’m planning for?”

“Hosts and Cobrio. Should be good!” Odell could not share his assistant’s enthusiasm. There was something more about this matchup. It went beyond national pride and a now-mostly-friendly rivalry with the nation to the south, and he knew it. Felt it. Even if he couldn’t put it into words.

“Yeah.” He replied. “Three other games too.”

“Yeah but these are the ones that really matter, Mac. At least we won’t have to worry about motivation.” That much was true. Most of the squad had at least one Cobre teammate at club level, and their rivalries tended to be pretty strongly contested on an individual level, let alone national.

“We have Flavovespia to worry about first, Dom.”

“I know, I know,” Dom sighed. “But it’s only eight days away. Now that they play a more open, expansive game, it should be so much better to watch.”

“That’s why you’re excited really isn’t it?” Odell paused. “You’re thinking about this as a neutral again.”

Dominic spluttered and stammered, “no I just… really appreciate entertaining football.” He half mumbled, barely convincing even himself.

Odell chuckled. “Well, if we get our gameplan right, it’ll still be entertaining. You’re on scout duty tomorrow for their game against Legalese.” He paused, seeing Dom’s face light up. “Just remember you’re there for work.”

Dom forced himself into a neutral expression. Then frowned. “Don’t we have scouts for this?”

“We do.”

“Then why do I have to-”

“Because you are too distracted to help me prepare for Flavovespia.” He smiled. “Now go.”

[Starblaydia]

Getting out doesn't get any tougher than this...

Anaia is not about friendship

It's about rivalry

Who will make it? Who will be eliminated?

Find out this week in...

[Grande Cucina]

La Gazzetta Dello Calcio
edizione internazionale.

LA SISTEMA PREZZEMOLA AT THE CUP OF ANAIA
"We Are Prepared," Insists Prezzemolo; Crucial Match Against Chromatika On Matchday 3

BARILLA - L'volpi d'oro will embark on the long, most likely fruitless campaign in the Cup of Anaian Football Federations, after their status in the tournament was confirmed at the eleventh hour. GAZZETTA DELLO CALCIO can now reveal that the very reason why said status was confirmed extremely late was because the paperwork to compete in the tournament was sent, firstly, late, because the intern given the responsibility to send the paperwork down to the post office went instead for a nap; and then, the paperwork was sent through regular instead of express post, meaning the application arrived in Audioslavia extremely late; and thirdly, the application was filled in wrongly, meaning it had to be re-sent. Truly, a reflection of the PITIFUL state of affairs at the Federazione.

Regardless, L'volpi will now travel to Legalese, to face off against Mont Vert, Northwest Kalactin, Perlasilangan, World Cup hosts Chromatika and then finally Mertagne. Regardless of the footballing quality, UMBRAGE HAS BEEN RAISED over the government attempting to use this tournament for THEIR OWN SELFISH ENDS; seemingly with the intent of promoting Grande Cucina as a tourist destination, Tourism Minister Rosolino Rechelline has INSISTED that the Grande Cucinans PROMOTE the country as a destination, instead of FOCUSING on PLAYING FOOTBALL. Truly DISGUSTING BEHAVIOUR from the government.

We at GAZZETTA DELLO CALCIO stand FIRMLY AGAINST this USAGE OF FOOTBALL FOR THE GREEDY TOURIST ECONOMY. FOOTBALL IS FOOTBALL. Here we shall FOCUS ON THE SPORT and NOT ON THE EVIL POLITICS. We also fully stand behind L'volpi as they try to fight bravely against the nations of Anaia. Sistema Prezzemola looks set to be exciting, and be fun for all involved. Best of luck.

GRANDE CUCINAN XI vs MONT VERT — Match 1
Starters: 1 - Pappardelle; 2 - Farfalline, 4 - Struncatura, 5 - Fiori, 16 - Stringozzi, 3 - Ditali; 6 - Calamaranta, 8 - Chifferi, 18 - Linguine; 7 - Tagliatelle, 9 - Gramigne
Subs: 12 - Mafaldine, 23 - Cencioni; 21 - Pizzocheri, 17 - Taglierini, 20 - Cavatappi; 19 - Cappelli; 13 - Bavette, 14 - Boccoli, 15 - Festoni, 21 - Ricciolini; 11 - Tortellini, 22 - Canederli

[Iskandervale]

Parvidzhon Borrowfield's meaty arms were crossed. He surveyed the press conference like Zarathustra on the mountaintop, sweeping the area. "This is the strongest side in the history of Iskandervale," he announced at last.
"Well... Iskandervale does not have the most successful tournament record to date--"
"And we will end it! This shameful history of failure... which I took part in, aye, I was a cog in a machine blundering from defeat to defeat. That ends here. I have studied, you see, the ways of victory. We have imitated the action of the tiger, stiffened the sinews, summoned up the blood..."

* * *

"We won't get a win." Oskana Karapetyan, captain of the Simurghs, stifled a yawn. "I doubt we'll so much as score."
"So what are your expectations for the tournament?"
"I expect nothing." Karapetyan leaned forward. "I aim to keep one clean sheet. One. But I expect nothing. Hope is meaningless."
"You're under a new manager for this tournament, what do you think of his methods? Is he the man for the job?"
Karapetyan considered this. "I think maybe the strain of retirement gets to Parvid. He has become somewhat insane, under the pressure. His methods..."


* * *

"It is a matter of belief, you see." Borrowfield casually put his feet up on the desk. "With the sufficient Passion, player skill becomes irrelevant. Yes, my backup rightback is a no-name waster, hitting a career dead end in the middle of the Nepharan third tier. He is terrible! It is a national embarrassment we must rely on Dimitri Rashad, but. He knows I believe in him, have faith in him. Therefore despite his immense failings and shortcomings, he is strong..."

* * *

Clotho Sulaka stared down at the journalists with a terrifying mixture of intensity and contempt.
At last, she deigned to answer a question. It just wasn't one that anyone had asked.
"Are you targetting any particular side as the weak link--"
"I'm targetting the Golden Boot," she announced. "The issue is, my entire career I've been denied the kind of service I deserve. Hand me rue Cazade service and I'll give you Jackson numbers, that's a promise. But it won't happen. It'll never happen. Because people look at me, mid-20s, and think that's as good as it will get. It's as good as I'll get. Not so." She took a long drink of water, holding an unflinching stare into the crowd, daring anyone to interrupt. "I could prove that this tournament. If I had the Cormorants to escape to, like the rest. No luck, there."
Hesitantly, someone offered, "So how many goals do you think you'll manage, with the service your teammates can offer?"
"One. And perhaps I can draw a penalty so someone else can miss it..."

* * *

"As for your first opponents--"
"We will beat them." Borrowfield rose to his feet, and thumped the table with every statement. "We will fuck them! We will destroy them! They stand no chance against the mighty Simurghs, reborn, reforged, rekindled! Stronger than ever, under my exalted leadership! They stand no chance of victory! No chance of survival! Blood! Blood!! Blood!!!"

[Flavovespia]

Legalese, Osarius, Austailia, Savigliane, Flavovespia and Cobrio. Group A of the CAFA Cup 1, and with no CAFA rankings yet, there is everything to play for in this exciting new era. Below is a quick overview in game order of the opponents of Flavovespia

Osarius – Near to Flavovespia, Osarius are a nation Flavovespian will remember fondly from the last World Cup Qualifiers. 0-4 and 5-0 were the results, a brilliant display in both matches. The Firebirds play in an attractive dark red kit. Belshazzar Qanbari will be key for Osarius in midfield, as his creativity will hopefully set up goals for them

Legalese – The hosts of this tournament, which could be an advantage for them. Legalese is located to the east of the Calanian continent, one of several notable nations on Lake Bekk. A side who do like to attack, Fredrick Charlot and Bode Calderson will have ambitions of scoring plenty on their home turf.

Austailia – One of the more interesting nations, Austailia is a chilled nation of kind-hearted sapient goats. That’s literal goats, not a Greatest Of All Time nation. Although who knows, if the likes of Paul, Kevin and Ephraim the Wretched bring home the trophy, they’ll be famous goats.

Cobrio – Cobrio was once a part of Osarius, and thus Group A has produced an interesting draw there. They were similar kit colours to Flavovespia, gold and black with some green. They play a novel 3-1-2-4 formation, arguably relying on athleticism over technical ability. A few players break that mould though, like Babatunde Warrington.

Savigliane – They made the Round of 16 at the last World Cup and narrowly lost to Starblaydia, they could do very well here. They have a strong attack, with Thea Squarciafichi a real poacher and Adrian Toscani able to score from seemingly anywhere.

[Ko-oren]

We had our best interns work around the clock* to come up with a rudimentary structure for Anaian institutions. There are many more ideas in the young and overworked brains of our un(der)paid friends - so for all of you regional enthusiasts, stay tuned! May this be a diving board into the ocean of well meant yet empty organisations that populate our beautiful Multiverse's many regions.

*9 am to 4 pm

[Cobrio]

“Marvelous, there was always a bit of a buzz around the possibility of facing Osarius in the CAFA Cup, and now you’ve been drawn into the same group. Just how important is this match going to be for you and your team?” The reporter reeled off the question he’d already heard a thousand times today, or so it felt. Sure, she changed the wording a little, but it was the same question. Did these people have nothing better to ask? Really?

“Of course it is an important game, na.” He shrugged. “But it is not wise to be allowing the winds to carry us through time, oh. Today we focus on today, leave tomorrow for dey go do wanokeke, ah? No wisdom in thinking these things, so we no dey consider today.”

In truth, he really wanted to talk about facing the hosts in the opening match, but few reporters had asked. He deliberately scanned the room, searching for a Legalite reporter, or anyone who might not ask the same inane questions. No such luck.

The press conference ended, and Marv left the room alongside Lewis Armstrong, still the Panthers’ captain after all these years.

“Lewis,” Marv turned to the big man. “You go tell squad we go train tonight.”

“Extra session, boss?”

“We go need it, oh…” Marv sighed. “Squad dey no go like it. But if you dey tell, dey go listen, na.”

Lewis frowned, but nodded silently and turned to leave. The Barciddia defender was well aware of the reasons he was captain, it seemed. “Ah boss,” he stopped, turning back. “I must ask you question, na.”

“Ask it, oh.”

“Why did you lie to the reporter?”

Marv smiled. “Only buffalo who seek Tiquoia tell lion he plan.”

Lewis nodded again and chuckled. “I go fetch squad.”

[Mont Vert]

The train coasted on serenely, sweeping around the coast of Grande Mont Vert. It was a warm summer day and the sun beat down on a picturesque landscape of sweeping white sand beaches and calm turquoise ocean, verdant rainforests and lush, intense grasslands.

In the first carriage of the train Marie-Claire Brochard and twenty of her young students from the École Picard were clapping and singing excitedly as they prepared for their visit to the zoo. In the second carriage, Sister Marie-Thérèse Dubois and five other nuns sat in quiet reflection of the glory of Creation they could see through the window as they headed to the capital to receive their medals for raising funds for charity.

In the third carriage, Charles Gallois and Clémentine Moreau – no, Clémentine Gallois now, for the young couple had married in secret, though their giddy smiles and tightly interlocked fingers betrayed them – had only eyes for each other, ignoring the scenery around them. And in the fourth carriage, explosive ordnance disposal technician Alexandre Bruguière was grappling with the wiring of a huge bomb.

Sweat dripped down his forehead, running into his eyes, as he struggled to make sense of the mechanism. Every rattle of the train seemed to make the timer count down faster. Just a minute left now. 60, 59, 58… His hands were shaking as clutched his wire cutters. They rattled against the canister of poison gas.

“Is there anything we can do to help?” asked the pregnant woman politely.

“You’re all sweaty!” laughed the cancer-ridden child.

“Howl!” chorussed the crate of adorable newborn puppies. 30, 29, 28… the train was about half a minute away from pulling up alongside the orphanage.

Red, white and blue wires. So tightly intertwined. He closed his eyes, gripped the wire cutters tight, and cut the

RP cut off at 300 words

[Audioslavia]

Jeremy Jaffacake’s 1093rd Dream

I was riding on the Autonomous Vessel Nation’s Boat
I asked Grand Captain Little Johnny James to lend a coat
He came running on the deck, said “boys forget AO”
“I’ve seen some land north east and that’s exactly where we’ll go”
“Haul on the bowline, and raise those sails up”
“We’re on our way to win ourselves the inaugural CAFA Cup"

“I think I’ll call it Anaia”, I said as we hit land
I took a deep breath, I fell down, I could not stand
Captain James, he started writing foxy declarations
He said “Boys get out your flags, we’ll start assigning nations”
Just then this Legalite he comes a-sailin’ down the quay
And stuck us all in a Group of Death: CAFA Cup Group C

Me, I got drawn into it. Don’t even ask me how.
I saw our flag: the claret, green, the moon and hill and cow
They stuck us with the dragonflies, the purples and the cyan
And all the Huayramarcans, they all rued turning Anaian
I jumped right into line, sayin' “I hope that I’m not late”
When I realised I hadn’t beaten Kry for four games straight

I went into the tournament, hoping it would be scored
With NS Footy Sim, now that we’re ranked high up the boards
The host, he started laughing, said ‘we’ve done away with rankings”
“I hope on easy victories you claret boys weren’t banking”
Just then I realised, chances were, the group would pwn us
So I started stealin’ Dylan songs to reap that RP bonus

Now, I didn't mean to be sweaty, but I went right into notepad
And I got some rhymes from Rhymezone - here the only option's 'gonad'
I tried to break the fourth wall in this folky 60s bop
But hit the word count earlier than planned and had to stop
Ko-oren said, mis-posting his RP, "unlucky mate"
I think he's still annoyed at me for World Cup 88

[Chromatika]

To: AMBIENCE
From: ONE-EYED GENERAL
Subject: MEETING

AMBIENCE,

The truth is all that matters, and the truth will set you free.

I have no reservations about sharing what I deemed important enough to put myself out there. I will be there at the HOUR OF THE MILLSTONE, at the SAFE HAVEN. The more that are present, the better.

I agree that HEADQUARTERS shouldn't speak out for nor against the DECLARATION. They need to stay neutral so that they escape ire from both sides. In fact, it is my belief that by being neutral, they've given us, the players, more power to speak our minds and be heard without having to worry about an official stance.

There's more to be said about this issue than whether or not one supports the DECLARATION. It's more about what the DECLARATION represents and the liberties that the government has taken. We can discuss more about that at the meeting, though. Our voices as footballers have always mattered in the history of Chromatika, and our roles will continue to matter immensely.

Make sure everyone shows up that wants to. LEGEND, WONDER, FIGUREHEAD, SPARK, ROOK... Anybody. I'm not shy about what I have to say, and the more people who hear things from my view, the better.

I agree with using this channel for communications, just like LEGEND did all that time ago.

With faith,

ONE-EYED GENERAL

AMBIENCE: Keira Anbient
ONE-EYED GENERAL: Engima Armageddon
LEGEND: Keira Andisori
DECLARATION: Declaration of Foxchester
POOL: National Team Pool
WONDER: Vasiliy Marten Kuznetsov
FIGUREHEAD: Juxon Fillar
SPARK: Haley Hauser
ROOK: Kai Xiao
SERGEANT: Kateryna Zuniga
SAFE HAVEN: CFF Headquarters, Players' Room
HOUR OF THE MILLSTONE: 8 PM

---

Starting XI vs. Mertagne: Fillar, J. (C); Fillar, G. - Anbient - Nodis - Ighv; Winge - Larriet-Cortes - Kuznetsov; Fillar, B. - Phoen; Toussaint.

[Legalese]

On a cold dark day in Háttmark,
Myles Woodworth wasn’t having a lark,
After a four to six loss,
He stepped down as boss,
His final post-match speech was stark.

Three weeks past then in Numalia,
Lisa McQuade pressed on with her agenda.
Needing a manager real quick,
She tapped Reuben Limerick.
In the interim, he’d have to do, for the CAFA.

The draw was held in Foxchester,
And one group caused all the chatter.
“We’re not in Group C”,
Lim’rick said with some glee,
“Perhaps this won’t be a disaster.”

On the following day adjacent,
Limerick urged the team to not be complacent.
They might have a shot in Group A
If they trained hard this day;
Should they not, he’d bring in a replacement.

[Yesopalitha]

The Blood Red Moon, Part 2

The Black Hand has always been a part of Yesopalitha's history. Founded by the Lich At'qaul at the start of recorded history, they are powerful necromancers who have always had the greater good of Yesopalitha in mind. This doesn't make them innately good nor evil; to them, those that will change the natural order of things are the enemy.

This, however, means that when that definition of the natural order of things changes, their goals change. When At'qaul died, they gave their knowledge to three members of The Black Hand: Cozaen Payne, Stridita Rane, and Crezhul Nightshade. Splitting the knowledge and vision from one to three meant that there would be dissent, but it meant that there would be three times the number of ideas.

It was initially Crezhul's idea to utilize the Blood Red Moon. Stridita came up with the method, and Cozaen discovered how to make it strong enough to affect everyone. They would get one shot at this before another plethora of moons would need to go by.

Three things stood in their way. The first would be the breadth of Yesopalitha - they had the entire island to affect. They had agents in every corner, but the logistics to get everyone on the same page acting at once was staggering. Second, they would have to go unnoticed. Any of the Unbidden races could thwart their plans if they were to get together and try. Secrecy and shadow would be the way of the Black Hand - but that was nothing new. Lastly, they had to be precise. One increment of measurement slightly off and the entire thing would be for naught.

Perhaps it was overconfidence that carried them, but they had nothing to lose and more than the world to gain.

[Legalese]

Host Announcement: Playing sites for all matches are now listed in the second post of this thread. Contact me if you have any questions, thank you for your patience.

[Mertagne]

"Welcome to Legalese, Mr..."
"Gulliver. Tyrrel Gulliver."
"Tyrellia Gulliver? You a Legalite?"
"Very good. I'm Mertagnian, like my ancestors before me. I'm here for the CAFA."
"Excellent. Are you hoping to take in the sights while you're watching the games?"
"Not when I'm watching the games, no. I'm assistant manager."
"I see. And when you're not assistant-managing?"
"I'll be driving the bus we've hired. My documents are still valid here, right?"
"Correct. Any long journeys planned?"
"Let's see - all of them. Seems the organisers have got us trekking up and down the country. Tiberia to Foxchester, Foxchester to Spetz-Tessah, Tyrellia to goodness knows where... I hope the bus doesn't blow a tyre."
"I'm sure there'll be a spare, sir. Your documents have been cleared. You're free to continue. Enjoy Legalese!"

---

It was good luck indeed that Gulliver had worked for 11 years as a truck driver. The bus that was to transport the 40-strong Mertagne football team and staff was about the size of one of the large haulers Gulliver used to drive from Keers to Dannin. It was a bit wobbly driving out of the airport car park, but once he got on the road, the team seemed to relax a little. A few quiz rounds to keep the mind sharp, in which only Tyson Oughtio was able to successfully name the capital of the Plough Islands (It's Sutton, by the way).
Discussions flew regarding their opponents, and a consensus was reached that the group would have a tough start, but they fancied their chances. Anyone would after they saw Group C. And during the journey, a song began...
Mertagne's got the magic touch,
Even though we're not that much,
Been gone a while, but now we're back,
Better pray for your attack!

[Avorago]

GROUP B OVERVIEW

MD1 vs Kotzellach:
Like us Avoragans, Kotzellach are quite new to the sporting fold. However, as they showed in the most recent Handball World Cup, they will be competitive until the very last moment. For some reason, they seem to think that we’re not “a proper team”. Ha. We’ll show them who the proper team is. And it’s not them.

MD2 vs Pyazhnaya:
Pyazhnaya are another emerging side, one that will be tough to defeat due to the hardships they have gone through in the past. They play quite aggressively, although not Avoragan aggressively, and the game seems destined to be a goal-fest. Can Avorago clinch the points, though?

MD3 vs Cocoabo Forest:
Birds. Birds cannot play football. End of story. This should be an easy win for the Avoragans, who can play football. Not very well, but better than birds. Easy dubs.

MD4 vs Xuois:
Xuois seems to be a good team, even speaking French like they know it off by heart. Which they do. For some reason, they play quite defensively which means that they are losers. Only losers play defensively, right? Avorago should have this in the bag.

MD5 vs Vdara:
The only side in Group B to actually participate in World Cup Qualifying, Vdara might actually present a challenge to the Avoragans. Or so we thought. Then we learned that they were actually shit because they only play very aggressively, not Avoragan aggressively. They have also qualified for a World Cup before, which means that they’re going to be absolute shite. Should be an easy win.

So there we go. Kotzellach, Cocoabo Forest, Xuois and Vdara are all going down. The only problem should be Pyazhnaya. But if Avorago can bring out their best game on the day, it shouldn't be too hard.

Word Count (not including this bit): 300

[Krytenia]

Equality Is A Bitch
By Rami Niblick in Okerson, Legalese

WHOEVER had the bright idea to make the CAFA Cup draw completely open has a sick sense of humour. That, or they really hate Aus-Vet-Nat. Krytenia have arrived in Legalese, fresh from a warm-up hammering of Mertagne in Cyanaea, and ready to face what is possibly the biggest meat-grinder of a group in international football history.

Aus-Ves-Nat are, if we're honest, probably the weak link in the group. They'll be happy with any points they can hoover up, and will probably be looking mainly to gain experience for future endeavours.

Huayramarca, our first oppponents, are probably the next weakest. "Weak", here is definitely a comparitive rather than an absolute, and they will be a dangerous opponent.

Ko-oren, of course, we know all too well. This will be the twelfth meeting between the sides, with the Dragonflies only having been beaten by the Dragons on three occasions. They last met in the tenth Eagle's Cup, with Krytenia picking up a win and a draw in the group phase.

And then, we get to the real meat of the group.

Audioslavia, surprisingly, have only met the Dragons on eight occasions before now, but what they lack in numbers, they make up for in density. Three of the Bulls' four wins have knocked Krytenia out of a major tournament, most famously the hangover from the "Casaran Job" in World Cup 29. There again, we dumped them out on the way to our only AOCAF Cup win, so we do give as good as we get. (Also, we've never lost to them in regional competition.)

Finally, there's the big cheese, served with the driest of crackers. Bloody Starblaydia. A match that is in the running to be the most-played in international football, with thirty-three senior internationals between the sides (plus the AOCAF Cup 7 final, officially a 'B' international for Krytenia). Surprisingly, it's Krytenia who lead on wins, fourteen to thirteen (with six draws). And maybe it's fate that these two sides are drawn together with a good portion of the tournament taking place on the island of Casari - homeland of one Javis Wilson. (That strange noise you just heard was the incompetent fury that name draws from Starblaydi fans.)

In short, then, it's just a bit of a gauntlet for the Krytenians to run to make history. Let's hope they can start on winning terms against Huayramarca. Onward!

[Pyazhnaya]

Vyacheslav Anigin from Pyazhnyy Sportske Novosti, reporting from Tyrellia, Legalese, on the draw for the inaugural CAFA competition:
Kotzellach: From early reports on the national league and national team, Kotzellach is another fierce contender in group B. Islanders, just like us, they are a hardy people that will be a tough team to go against.
Cocoabo Forest: If ever the phrase "gone to the birds" was apt to use, then it is here. One of the biggest challenges for our coaching staff will be to get the player to be able to differentiate between the different cocoabos.
Vdara: Likely considered the big fish of the group, Vdara is the only opponent that has qualified for a World Cup competition before. Despite losing out on last cycle's group stage, they are still widely considered the favourites to win our group.
Avorago: We are not sure where they came from and contrary to reports from some so-called "scientists" we will not be facing sentient avocados. Said to be a hard battling team that will attempt to make their opponents' lives on the pitch a living hell by going for an all-out attack. Pyazhnayans know: If you lived through hell and emerged on the other side, the next hell you are facing will be infinitely easier.
Xuois: We are at a complete and utter loss about Xuois, starting with how to pronounce their name to begin with. Apparently a colonial nation entirely populated by amateur footballers their approach to football seems to be of the defensive kind.

All in all a very interesting group with a lot of big question marks, which will provide tactical challenges for our coaches and players. Thankfully, up to a point, Pyazhnaya's isolation until recently is posing the same issue for them, therefore Go Pyazhnaya!

[Saltstead]

Note: The following is not reflective of my OOC opinions. Read with caution.

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A brief guide to CAFA Group E

The wonder of an open draw is that anything can happen. You can get Osarius, Cobrio and Flavovespia all in the same group. You can get a group where at least one of Krytenia, Ko-oren, Audioslavia, Starblaydia and Huayramarca must go out. Then you can get Group E…

Iskandervale
Are they not part of Nephara? They’ve mostly been a space filler and their best players have all gone off to play for Nephara, but this is CAFA, so expect anything.

Xannerian Sunbelt Islands
Are they serious? They are? Someone please pass the eye bleach. Well, if Saltstead could beat their parent country, the Sunbelt Islands should be an absolute breeze.

Ochre Islands
What is an ochre and where can I get some? I don’t know anything about these Islands, but I like them already. Please don’t beat us, though.

Yesopalitha
A team managed by a minotaur? Don’t minotaurs get a −2 to INT? They seem to have all these different species, but can they work together well is the question.

Saltstead
Shite, absolute shite. How did we win a BoF title again? That result is one that will forever remain a mystery. Zero points, guaranteed.

Independent Athletes from Quebec
Not shite. If the Quebeckers don’t get out of this group, it’ll be a stunning result on the level of Saltstead winning a WCC sanctioned tournament.

We might be doomed.

---

★
The Royal Saltsteadish Football Association
Royal House of Sport, Ashwell

---

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Xannerian Sunbelt Islands : Saltstead
Starting XI: Kåler; Aurelius, Josefssen, Van Tilborg, Rothöüf; Aħterop, Sħåul, Felicianus, Pascal; Van den Slåp; Haråudssen
Substitute bench: Van Daal, Äsħes; Åudenberg, Van Middelkamp, De Vriħt, Handel; Van Bleck, Ratmaker, Joxepħssen, Le Duc; Åubreħtssen, Withöüf

---

[Cocoabo Forest]

The Cocoabo hitched a ride to Chromatika with their newly minted pals from the Great Old Ones Friendship Initiative (GOOFI). They were on hand when their rival Turorian Citizen Squad would claimed World Cup Trophy for the first time in their history.

But this was the task the Cocoabo were trained for.

The entire Cocoabo Enrichment and Enhancement Project was created on the foundation that it was the only way to deliver a World Cup to the Island Emirate of Turori. Many argue it did. The creation of Turori's National Cocoabo Squad is often cited as the spark Turori's National Citizen Squad needed to overcome their generations long Quarter Final barrier. The Spark they needed to join neighbors Vilita as World Cup Champions - the 19th nation to do so from Atlantian Oceania. Turorians celebrated while the Cocoabo and their trainers watched, clapping emotionlessly to avoid being accused of not being good team players.

They wanted their shot. Another Shot.

World Cup 80. The Holy Empire giveth and the Holy Empire taketh away. The Holy Empire took from the Cocoabo in World Cup 80 and giveth to the Citizens in World Cup 88. Now, The Holy Empire brought the Cocoabo to this new land to start their own journey. After the quiet pain associated with the World Cup Final, the trainers and Cocoabo continued their Journey south to Calania and the historic shores of Lake Bekk. A journey to what is now known as 'the other side of the portal'. The Cocoabo would begin their quest to earn their own silverware against Vdara - the only team in Group B that, like the Cocoabo, was NOT making their international debut in Legalese. The Trainers will hope the Cocoabo's experience will be enough to navigate this Group of Uncertainty.

[Xuois]

Savigliane kindly brought to my attention that I originally posted via the Sanford account. Oopsie. This is my first time taking multiple nations seriously at a time, so I guess I'll have to figure it out. I've deleted the original post from Sanford (many thanks to Neph for helping me figure out how), but here's what was in it:

Nous sommes xuoisais. Notre devoir est de défendre notre culture, notre honneur, notre histoire, notre mode de vie. Chaque jour, nous devons faire la guerre pour protéger notre nation des sauvages, des païens, des traîtres. Chaque fois que le soleil se réveille, il apporte une nouvelle bataille pour gagner. Notre devoir — votre devoir : gagnez-vous cette bataille chaque jour.

We are Xuoisais. Our duty is to defend our culture, our honour, our traditions, our history, our way of life. Every day, we must wage a war to protect our nation from the savages, the pagans, the traitorous. Every time the sun rises, it brings with it a new battle to be won. Our duty — your duty: win that battle each day.

Gentlemen, I remind you of that beautiful speech because we are not merely playing Pyazhnaya today. With every shot, every pass, every step on every blade of grass, we represent Xuois. We are its ambassadors to Anaia, and we are its ambassadors to the world. The world will judge our nation for how we play today. To that, I say, let them. We have nothing to fear and nothing to hide. We are proud of our nation, and we will do anything to defend its honor. Play with pride, play with passion, play with purpose. Play for Xuois.

And to the gentlemen of Pyazhnaya who mock us and even our nation’s very name: Let spit get stuck in the back of your throat, then hack up the phlegm. This is not how you pronounce Xuois, but it is what we intend to do to you by the time the day is done.

[Savigliane]

Lineup to play Austailia (4-3-3): DuCasse; Lamontagne, Garcia, Blanco (C), Vitale; Toscani, Buvalelli, Auvergne; Roux, Squarciafichi, Montevecchi

Tactical Profiles: Adrian Toscani
...while Caza midfielder Adrian Toscani may not be the most well-known player on the Swans or its leader - that would be Squarciafichi and Blanco, both of which we've covered in earlier editions of this series - he is arguably the Savigliano who is most crucial to Tlanxball. Pundits have described his uniquely free-flowing role as many things - from "mezzala" to "false 10" and the oxymoron "central winger" - but it is above all a key creative linchpin that often keeps Tlanxball running.

The challenge with a strictly defined playstyle such as that of our Qusma tactician is that it can become predictable, with skilled opponents recognizing the rehearsed movements and formerly-devastating combinations before negating them. But Toscani wreaking havoc from a nominally attacking-midfield position, and Calliope Montevecchi taking on a similar role on the right, injects an element of cultivated chaos into this high-octane attack. Toscani often drops deeper or drifts wide in order to force overloads and drag defenders out of position. From these positions, he uses both his quicksilver dribbling and devastating passing ability to exploit space and set up chances for himself and his teammates.

Toscani is especially known for his flexibility, which contributes to the fluidity of the Savigliano attack. While he often played on the right side at WC88, combining with Durand or underlapping Barthelemy, Calliope Montevecchi's freer playstyle would negate his presence there at the CAFA Cup. As such, Tlanx-Nulzk has found him space on the left side of the midfield. From there, he can combine with Roux, who likes to cut inside, or Lamontagne, who hugs the touchline, and unleash his devastating arsenal of tricks...

[Austailia]

Sydneigh Morning Herald

Flavovespian Press Accused of Cultural Faux Pas

Stirred up by an anonymous publication from fellow CAFA Group A nation Flavovespia, there has been an outspoken response among Austailian football fans and cultural traditionalists alike. A line from the article reads, in brief:

the likes of Paul, Kevin and Ephraim the Wretched

It cannot be stated with enough force that the ambiguous nature of this statement belies a great offense on the part of the latter two parties. A plausible reading of the sentence as-is could surmise that both players claim the moniker of "the Wretched," an insinuation for which there is no evidence for in any information provided by the national team nor any truth to if one were to do their proper research on the topic.

Such epithets in Austailian society are earned and carried with a great sense of gravitas. Perhaps this is not common knowledge outside of our broken isles, but it is a mistake that one would believe easy to avoid making at all. Even more so than Ephraim the Wretched can and surely does take offense at the misappropriation and thereby dilution of their title, it is a stunning insult upon Kevin to insinuate that he might unjustly make a claim on a colleague's appellation.

Though the Roamers denied our inquiries on the matter and have not made an official statement of their own on the topic, this writer strongly recommends whichever Flavovespian was at fault for this gaffe come forward and issue a formal apology.

[Legalese]

CAFA Cup Matchday 1 -- Let the day begin.

This is the RP Cutoff for MD1, Scores to follow shortly

Group A
Legalese 2-3 Cobrio
Osarius 2-3 Flavovespia
Austailia 2-2 Savigliane

Group B
Pyazhnaya 3-2 Xuois
Kotzellach 0-3 Avorago
Cocoabo Forest 4-2 Vdara

Group C
Krytenia 2-2 Huayramarca
Ko-oren 0-0 Starblaydia
Aut-Ves-Nat 3-1 Audioslavia

Group D
Mertagne 0-0 Chromatika
Northwest Kalactin 5-5 Perlasilangan
Grande Cucina 3-3 Mont Vert

Group E
Iskandervale 3-4 Independent Athletes from Quebec
Xannerian Sunbelt Islands 0-2 Saltstead
Ochre Islands 2-1 Yesopalitha