CURRENT DRAFT:
[Title] @@LEADER@@, You Look A Little Constipated
[Validity] None
[Description] Calamity in the @@LEADER@@ Canal, one of @@NAME@@'s most vital shipping passages named in your honour! An exceptionally large container ship called the 'Never Taken' ran aground as a result of stormy weather and the captain's overconfidence, and has now clogged the most important shipping route to the rest of @@REGION@@, leaving everyone feeling rather constipated.
[Option 1] "Oh, this isn't coming out well..." grimaces your Minister of Trade and Infrastructure Lex Atiff. "We need to gather all the manpower that we can lay our hands on and squirt them into the canal like a giant enema. Towboats, excavators, dredgers... if we clamp down hard right now, we'll get this blockage cleared and breathe a lot easier."
[Effect 1] there's no bog that can't be cleared with a good flush of resources
[Option 2] "Uh huh, and what if shit hits the fan again?" says your Minister of Health, while washing down a fibre-rich meal with a tall glass of prune juice. "Prevention is better than cure, which is why we need to take this opportunity and cleanse the passage from anything that could cause future blockages. Dig deeper, widen the canal walls, anything that will make shipping pass through its bowels like water will do the trick! Oh, and I guess it will flush out the 'Never Taken' eventually as well."
[Effect 2] no load is too big for the @@LEADER@@ Canal
[Option 3] "Oh, don't be such a pain in the ass," bellows the Minister of Defense, buckling @@HIS@@ belt after leaving the toilet with a suspicious lightness in @@HIS@@ step. "Just pack the ship with TNT and light it. It'll clear out the turd of a ship, no problem."
[Effect 3] explosive diarrhoea has taken on an entirely different meaning
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