Who Wants to Be a Fuffle?

[Ibasira]

Name: Ìzi Emìlàndwìst (Prefers the anglicised form of his name, which is Izzy)
Country of Origin: Ibàsira

Age: 23
Height: 5'6"
Weight: 147 Lbs
Build: Athletic
Physical impairments: None

Do you have:
- weapons training? Which weapons? Trained in the use of Sniper Rifles
- martial arts training? Trained in Wing Chun
- first aid training? Yes
- survival training? Explain. Yes, has had training to survive away from human civilization on the long term and to survive some worst-case scenarios (e.g. being captured by enemy troops) and he has also put this training to good use in the past (see previous military experience)
- previous military experience? Explain. Yes, has been part of the Ibàsiran Army for 7 years. Was captured by terrorists 3 years ago, spent a little more than 2 years as a captive in a terrorist hideout, locked in a room and tied to a chair untill he managed to escape. He was found by some fellow soldiers a week later while he was sleeping in a makeshift shelter. Having remembered some of the bypasses and 'weak spots' of the terrorist hideout, Ìzi informed the soldiers of these weak spots, the terrorist hideout was attacked a week later and thanks to the intel provided by Ìzi the terrorists operating in that particular area were stopped with minimal casualties.
- any fears? List them. No

Are you willing and/or able to:
- live "rough" in the bush for extended periods of time? Yes
- kill without remorse? Yes
- serve without pay? Yes
- swim? Yes
- eat what you kill? No, he's vegetarian.
- speak out against authority? Yes
- play soccer with children? Yes
- shower with the opposite sex? OH YES!

In twenty-five words or less, why do you want to join the FFL? Mostly just to experience fighting in a foreign army, to try and expand his abilities and also because after he escaped a terrorist hideout after being held captive for over 2 years he did not want to do anymore missions on home soil, the even somewhat traumatized him after all.

List any other factors that you feel we should take into account in evaluating your application: -

Mr. Emìlàndwìst.

The major problem that I see with your application is vegetarianism. We do not offer vegetarian MREs because, frankly, we don't believe that vegetarian meals can provide the nutrition that our soldiers need. Many of our meals are, in fact, kosher and/or halal but we don't feel that we can reasonably accomodate vegetarians as well.

Gen. Castro-Stalina

To: Gen. Castro-Stalina
From: Ìzi Emìlàndwìst

If vegetarianism would be a problem and would prevent me from being able to join the FFL then I shall try to change my diet, may the platypus god forgive me for eating meat.

[Fatatatutti]

If vegetarianism would be a problem and would prevent me from being able to join the FFL then I shall try to change my diet, may the platypus god forgive me for eating meat.

Private Emìlàndwìst,

In that case, you are accepted. I think you'll like our food once you get used to it. On the bright side, I don't think any of our MREs contain platypus.

-- Gen. Castro-Stalina

[Voerdeland]

Name: Dick Pirow
Country of Origin: Voerdeland

Age: 29
Height: 177 cm
Weight: 75 kg
Build: Average
Physical impairments: No

Do you have:
- weapons training? Which weapons? I am an explosives specialist. He can also use semi-automatic rifles and revolvers.
- martial arts training? Yes
- first aid training? Only basic
- survival training? Explain. 4-week training in mountainous wilderness with Sergeant John "Jack the Ripper" Botha.
- previous military experience? Explain. I was serving as an explosives specialist in the 10th Waterberg Militia Brigade
- any fears? List them. Fear of tortures.

Are you willing and/or able to:
- live "rough" in the bush for extended periods of time? Yes
- kill without remorse? Only to protect his comrades and/or civilians.
- serve without pay? Of course.
- swim? Yes.
- eat what you kill? Yes! I am known as the best hunter in his brigade.
- speak out against authority? I do this. While I was serving in the Voerdish military I had many problems because of it.
- play soccer with children? OK
- shower with the opposite sex? Unisex bathrooms are quite common in the Voerdish Free State, so that's not a problem

In twenty-five words or less, why do you want to join the FFL?
When I left the Voerdish Militia I wanted to join a more... democratic military. I've received a letter from my sister, who lives in Fatatatutti. She wrote that the FFL is open for the foreign recruits, so I've decided to enlist.

List any other factors that you feel we should take into account in evaluating your application: --------

[Agua Incendia]

Name: Sanosuke
Country of Origin: Incendia

Age: 30
Height: 17 ft
Weight: 450 lbs
Build: Raptor bird [incendian]
Physical impairments: poor sense of feeling

Do you have:
- weapons training? Which weapons? no
- martial arts training? yes
- first aid training? what?
- survival training? Explain. yes
- previous military experience? Explain. constantly fighting
- any fears? List them. failing the Queen

Are you willing and/or able to:
- live "rough" in the bush for extended periods of time? for the half life of plutonium
- kill without remorse? no
- serve without pay? yes
- swim? yes
- eat what you kill? if its radioactive maybe
- speak out against authority? NO
- play soccer with children? sure
- shower with the opposite sex? first of all. Shower? Second. Opposite sex?

In twenty-five words or less, why do you want to join the FFL? To beat the living crap out of an opponent to show my superior strength.

List any other factors that you feel we should take into account in evaluating your application:
I am a giant radioactive bird with few to none damageable internal organs. The only one being my Brain.

[Fatatatutti]

Name: Dick Pirow
Country of Origin: Voerdeland

Age: 29
Height: 177 cm
Weight: 75 kg
Build: Average
Physical impairments: No

Do you have:
- weapons training? Which weapons? I am an explosives specialist. He can also use semi-automatic rifles and revolvers.
- martial arts training? Yes
- first aid training? Only basic
- survival training? Explain. 4-week training in mountainous wilderness with Sergeant John "Jack the Ripper" Botha.
- previous military experience? Explain. I was serving as an explosives specialist in the 10th Waterberg Militia Brigade
- any fears? List them. Fear of tortures.

Are you willing and/or able to:
- live "rough" in the bush for extended periods of time? Yes
- kill without remorse? Only to protect his comrades and/or civilians.
- serve without pay? Of course.
- swim? Yes.
- eat what you kill? Yes! I am known as the best hunter in his brigade.
- speak out against authority? I do this. While I was serving in the Voerdish military I had many problems because of it.
- play soccer with children? OK
- shower with the opposite sex? Unisex bathrooms are quite common in the Voerdish Free State, so that's not a problem

In twenty-five words or less, why do you want to join the FFL?
When I left the Voerdish Militia I wanted to join a more... democratic military. I've received a letter from my sister, who lives in Fatatatutti. She wrote that the FFL is open for the foreign recruits, so I've decided to enlist.

List any other factors that you feel we should take into account in evaluating your application: --------

Private Pirow,

Welcome to the FFL. Your skill set seems like a good fit for our Light Infantry.

Your knowledge of explosives will be useful on occasion, since the Army is often called in to do demolition work for civilians. It's good practice for us and it doesn't cost them anything. (Of course, there's the inevitable joke about blowing up the wrong building.)

Having a sister in Fatatatutti should help you adjust to our culture, which can seem a little odd to some. Assuming that you are offered a permanent position and depending on where your unit is stationed, there should be no problem arranging periodic leaves to see her.

-- Gen. Castro-Stalina

[Fatatatutti]

Name: Sanosuke
Country of Origin: Incendia

Age: 30
Height: 17 ft
Weight: 450 lbs
Build: Raptor bird [incendian]
Physical impairments: poor sense of feeling

Do you have:
- weapons training? Which weapons? no
- martial arts training? yes
- first aid training? what?
- survival training? Explain. yes
- previous military experience? Explain. constantly fighting
- any fears? List them. failing the Queen

Are you willing and/or able to:
- live "rough" in the bush for extended periods of time? for the half life of plutonium
- kill without remorse? no
- serve without pay? yes
- swim? yes
- eat what you kill? if its radioactive maybe
- speak out against authority? NO
- play soccer with children? sure
- shower with the opposite sex? first of all. Shower? Second. Opposite sex?

In twenty-five words or less, why do you want to join the FFL? To beat the living crap out of an opponent to show my superior strength.

List any other factors that you feel we should take into account in evaluating your application:
I am a giant radioactive bird with few to none damageable internal organs. The only one being my Brain.

Mr./Ms. Sanosuke,

I'm afraid you're much too large for our Light Infantry, which maintains an air-mobile capability. If you can't travel by C-130 Hercules, we can't use you. I also have concerns about the radioactivity, which our people try to avoid. Finally, showing off your strength is not really an appropriate reason for joining the FFL.

Your application is rejected.

Gen. Castro-Stalina

[The Eternal Kawaii]

Would that exclude members of our Lashkar-Tong? They're neither psychotic nor "super", but each one of them has had extensive training in our madrassa-dojo system and fights according to Kawaiian religious principles.

I wouldn't say that that automatically excludes you. Would you care to provide more information by filling out the questionaire?

-- Gen. Castro-Stalina

Name: Withheld for cultural reasons. Will accept any nom de guerre given to him.
Country of Origin: Iron Monkey Clan of the Eternal Kawaii

Age: 27
Height: 5'9"
Weight: 190lbs
Build: Solid and tough
Physical impairments: None

Do you have:
- weapons training? Which weapons? Mostly blade/edge/throwing weapons. Some small firearms training.
- martial arts training? Extensive. Lashkar-Tong are frequently trained from childhood, in multiple styles.
- first aid training? Yes. Although Kawaiian medicine is usually of the "folk" variety, he is trained in first aid/trauma response.
- survival training? Explain. Yes. Typical Lashkar-Tong "escape, evasion, and ambush" training consists of the trainee attempting to hide from a squad of hunters for extended periods of time in the wilderness while setting up traps for them.
- previous military experience? Explain. Helped defend his clan from multiple kaiju attacks following the destruction of the Kawaiian homeland, before his clan was rescued and relocated.
- any fears? List them. No known phobias, although he shares the typical Kawaiian insistence on order and regularity.

Are you willing and/or able to:
- live "rough" in the bush for extended periods of time? Yes.
- kill without remorse? Yes.
- serve without pay? Only if his Patriarch commands him to.
- swim? Yes.
- eat what you kill? Yes, provided it is ritually clean, i.e. no animals like dogs or horses.
- speak out against authority? No, Kawaiian culture frowns on public displays of disharmony.
- play soccer with children? Yes.
- shower with the opposite sex? Absolutely not.

In twenty-five words or less, why do you want to join the FFL? His services are being offered by the Iron Monkey Patriarch as a demonstration of Kawaiian military skill and as advertisement for a possible mercenary deal.

List any other factors that you feel we should take into account in evaluating your application: As a practicing Kawaiian, our soldier will need to be allowed time and space to perform the various rituals of his faith (daily prayers, for example). As a rule, they shouldn't interfere with his military duties. Kawaiian culture dictates that he cannot serve in a "coed" unit, as it is ecchi to share close quarters with an unrelated female.

[Fatatatutti]

Name: Withheld for cultural reasons. Will accept any nom de guerre given to him.
Country of Origin: Iron Monkey Clan of the Eternal Kawaii

Age: 27
Height: 5'9"
Weight: 190lbs
Build: Solid and tough
Physical impairments: None

Do you have:
- weapons training? Which weapons? Mostly blade/edge/throwing weapons. Some small firearms training.
- martial arts training? Extensive. Lashkar-Tong are frequently trained from childhood, in multiple styles.
- first aid training? Yes. Although Kawaiian medicine is usually of the "folk" variety, he is trained in first aid/trauma response.
- survival training? Explain. Yes. Typical Lashkar-Tong "escape, evasion, and ambush" training consists of the trainee attempting to hide from a squad of hunters for extended periods of time in the wilderness while setting up traps for them.
- previous military experience? Explain. Helped defend his clan from multiple kaiju attacks following the destruction of the Kawaiian homeland, before his clan was rescued and relocated.
- any fears? List them. No known phobias, although he shares the typical Kawaiian insistence on order and regularity.

Are you willing and/or able to:
- live "rough" in the bush for extended periods of time? Yes.
- kill without remorse? Yes.
- serve without pay? Only if his Patriarch commands him to.
- swim? Yes.
- eat what you kill? Yes, provided it is ritually clean, i.e. no animals like dogs or horses.
- speak out against authority? No, Kawaiian culture frowns on public displays of disharmony.
- play soccer with children? Yes.
- shower with the opposite sex? Absolutely not.

In twenty-five words or less, why do you want to join the FFL? His services are being offered by the Iron Monkey Patriarch as a demonstration of Kawaiian military skill and as advertisement for a possible mercenary deal.

List any other factors that you feel we should take into account in evaluating your application: As a practicing Kawaiian, our soldier will need to be allowed time and space to perform the various rituals of his faith (daily prayers, for example). As a rule, they shouldn't interfere with his military duties. Kawaiian culture dictates that he cannot serve in a "coed" unit, as it is ecchi to share close quarters with an unrelated female.

Applicant,

I'm afraid all of our units are officially "coed", so I don't see how we can accommodate you. It is possible that there are a few mono-gender squads but there is no guarantee that you would be assigned to one of them or that it would stay mono-gender. We do encourage our troops to think of each other as brothers and sisters in arms, so there is relatively little fraternization.

For what it's worth, we have no problem accommodating religious and cultural observances as long as they don't interfere with the operation of the unit.

-- Gen. Castro-Stalina

[Khazyan]

Name: Omar Yelhz
Country of Origin: Khazyan

Age: 33
Height: 6'3"
Weight: 184 pounds
Build: somewhat muscular
Physical impairments: His left ear is scarred and mishapen from an I.E.D. attack, but it does not affect his hearing.

Do you have:
- weapons training? Which weapons? Training with Assault weapons including the AK series, M4/M16 series, and G3. He can also effectively use the M40A3, Dragunov, and SR-25. He can also fire Bows with reasonable accuracy.
- martial arts training? Ruke Vježbenika, similar to Krav Maga
- first aid training? Little, but can apply field dressing.
- survival training? Explain. Dropped into northern Silvan province with nothing but standard Khazyani military gear. Survived for 4 months before returning to [REDACTED].
- previous military experience? Explain. Served in a Khazyani Counter-Sniper squad.
- any fears? List them. Anatidaephobia, fear that you are being stalked by water foul. (Talk to the psychiatrist) it hasn't affected his abilities so far.

Are you willing and/or able to:
- live "rough" in the bush for extended periods of time? Has had to.
- kill without remorse? Is able to, but would prefer not to.
- serve without pay? Has had to.
- swim? Yes, though is less able to with standard military gear.
- eat what you kill? Once again, has had to.
- speak out against authority? Did once, though it did not end well. If it is necessary.
- play soccer with children? Yes, though he might lose.
- shower with the opposite sex? If there is adequate room to successfully shower, yes.

In twenty-five words or less, why do you want to join the FFL? To help those in need of protection and keep psychotic dictatorships from taking over.

List any other factors that you feel we should take into account in evaluating your application: He is a Sunni Muslim, for whatever purpose knowing that would serve. Before enlisting, he practiced Parkour, and is still somewhat able to perform such movement. He is socially absent, possibly due to the post traumatic stress disorder which he may or may not have, according to different doctors.

[Fatatatutti]

Name: Omar Yelhz
Country of Origin: Khazyan

Age: 33
Height: 6'3"
Weight: 184 pounds
Build: somewhat muscular
Physical impairments: His left ear is scarred and mishapen from an I.E.D. attack, but it does not affect his hearing.

Do you have:
- weapons training? Which weapons? Training with Assault weapons including the AK series, M4/M16 series, and G3. He can also effectively use the M40A3, Dragunov, and SR-25.
- martial arts training? Ruke Vježbenika, similar to Krav Maga
- first aid training? Little, but can apply field dressing.
- survival training? Explain. Dropped into northern Silvan province with nothing but standard Khazyani military gear. Survived for 4 months before returning to [REDACTED].
- previous military experience? Explain. Served in a Khazyani Counter-Sniper squad.
- any fears? List them. Anatidaephobia, fear that you are being stalked by water foul. (Talk to the psychiatrist) it hasn't affected his abilities so far.

Are you willing and/or able to:
- live "rough" in the bush for extended periods of time? Has had to.
- kill without remorse? Is able to, but would prefer not to.
- serve without pay? Has had to.
- swim? Yes, though is less able to with standard military gear.
- eat what you kill? Once again, has had to.
- speak out against authority? Did once, though it did not end well. If it is necessary.
- play soccer with children? Yes, though he might lose.
- shower with the opposite sex? If there is adequate room to successfully shower, yes.

In twenty-five words or less, why do you want to join the FFL? To help those in need of protection and keep psychotic dictatorships from taking over.

List any other factors that you feel we should take into account in evaluating your application: He is a Sunni Muslim, for whatever purpose knowing that would serve. Before enlisting, he practiced Parkour, and is still somewhat able to perform such movement. He is socially absent, possibly due to the post traumatic stress disorder which he may or may not have, according to different doctors.

Private Yelhz,

I would like to invite you to join the FFL for basic training and we will see where you go from there. We won't be doing much in the way of actively opposing psychotic dictatorships but we will be ready and able to provide protection where we can. I hope we can coax you back to a little bit of social presence.

-- Gen. Castro-Stalina

[Khazyan]

Name: Omar Yelhz
Country of Origin: Khazyan

Age: 33
Height: 6'3"
Weight: 184 pounds
Build: somewhat muscular
Physical impairments: His left ear is scarred and mishapen from an I.E.D. attack, but it does not affect his hearing.

Do you have:
- weapons training? Which weapons? Training with Assault weapons including the AK series, M4/M16 series, and G3. He can also effectively use the M40A3, Dragunov, and SR-25.
- martial arts training? Ruke Vježbenika, similar to Krav Maga
- first aid training? Little, but can apply field dressing.
- survival training? Explain. Dropped into northern Silvan province with nothing but standard Khazyani military gear. Survived for 4 months before returning to [REDACTED].
- previous military experience? Explain. Served in a Khazyani Counter-Sniper squad.
- any fears? List them. Anatidaephobia, fear that you are being stalked by water foul. (Talk to the psychiatrist) it hasn't affected his abilities so far.

Are you willing and/or able to:
- live "rough" in the bush for extended periods of time? Has had to.
- kill without remorse? Is able to, but would prefer not to.
- serve without pay? Has had to.
- swim? Yes, though is less able to with standard military gear.
- eat what you kill? Once again, has had to.
- speak out against authority? Did once, though it did not end well. If it is necessary.
- play soccer with children? Yes, though he might lose.
- shower with the opposite sex? If there is adequate room to successfully shower, yes.

In twenty-five words or less, why do you want to join the FFL? To help those in need of protection and keep psychotic dictatorships from taking over.

List any other factors that you feel we should take into account in evaluating your application: He is a Sunni Muslim, for whatever purpose knowing that would serve. Before enlisting, he practiced Parkour, and is still somewhat able to perform such movement. He is socially absent, possibly due to the post traumatic stress disorder which he may or may not have, according to different doctors.

Private Yelhz,

I would like to invite you to join the FFL for basic training and we will see where you go from there. We won't be doing much in the way of actively opposing psychotic dictatorships but we will be ready and able to provide protection where we can. I hope we can coax you back to a little bit of social presence.

-- Gen. Castro-Stalina

Splendid. He does get this... eerie look on his face. Anyway, he is an excellent soldier, and he will be on his way.

[Bovidia]

Name: Nzobe Emalitcalf
Country of Origin: Bovidia

Age: 6
Height: 110cm at the shoulder
Weight: 105kg
Build: Sloped shoulders with a prominent rear end and powerful, splayed hooves.
Physical impairments: One broken horn.

Do you have:
- weapons training? Which weapons? None. I also have no opposable thumbs.
- martial arts training? Sparring, although the loss of a horn has thrown off my balance.
- first aid training? None.
- survival training? Explain. Life in Bovidia.
- previous military experience? Explain. I stood as the dominant male of the Round Territory in the Marsh Near the Big Hill for nearly six months, driving away competitors and spreading my genetic information to the next generation.
- any fears? List them. Predators of all sorts (but mostly snakes), deflated balloons, needles, loud sudden noises, quicksand, the internal combustion engine, any large mammal approaching within my flight distance.

Are you willing and/or able to:
- live "rough" in the bush for extended periods of time? Yes. Due to my efficient ruminant digestive system, I can live off naturally-occurring plant material of medium-to-high nutritional value indefinitely.
- kill without remorse? If it is a Predator, Mobbing could be the only way to protect my calves. I am hesitant about possibly having to fight non-rival prey species.
- serve without pay? I don't understand the concept of 'pay'.
- swim? Yes! Swimming is one of my strongest suits.
- eat what you kill? Ew! Why would I want to eat the flesh of my kill, like the despicable predators? For the rare circumstances where I need to boost my protein intake, a bit of carrion would suffice.
- speak out against authority? Dominance exists for a reason. I will obey the directives of my superiors until I am physically able to overthrow them.
- play soccer with children? Yes, although my superior speed balanced by limited endurance might limit my options in positions to play.
- shower with the opposite sex? I don't understand the concept of 'shower.'

In twenty-five words or less, why do you want to join the FFL? Since I broke my horn sparring with another male and my mates abandoned me I've been looking for an outlet for my displaced aggression.

List any other factors that you feel we should take into account in evaluating your application: Although my swimming speed is rather slow, I do have superior endurance and can even sleep almost entirely submerged with only my nostrils poking above the surface. My long, splayed hooves and prominent rear leg muscles give me good traction and speed when running across marshy terrain.

[Brachyuria]

Name: Chester Mahogany Blackburn
Country of Origin: Brachyuria

Age: 32
Height: tallish
Weight: average
Build: distinguished
Physical impairments: bit of a stiff shoulder from playfully wrestling with giant crabs in his younger days

Do you have:
- weapons training? Which weapons? Standard everyday guns
- martial arts training? Nope, besides crab wrestling, which is useless against anything that isn't a giant crustacean
- first aid training? Nope
- survival training? Explain. Basic survival training from time in Brachyurian army, nothing fancy though.
- previous military experience? Explain. 8 years in the Brachyurian army, served in Queen Isabelle's Brachyurian Mounted Rifles Division, 2nd Regiment. Tasked with manning one of the regiments specialised Anti-Aircraft armoured vehicles. Ended his service 2 years ago as a Sergeant.
- any fears? List them. Airplanes, the concept of an endless afterlife consisting of being swarmed by flocks of seagulls for all eternity.

Are you willing and/or able to:
- live "rough" in the bush for extended periods of time? Prefers being fancy, but can do
- kill without remorse? If it's not a crab, he can bring himself to kill it
- serve without pay? Nope
- swim? Yup
- eat what you kill? If it's not a crab.
- speak out against authority? Sure.
- play soccer with children? Absolutely.
- shower with the opposite sex? In the most gentlemanly way possible

In twenty-five words or less, why do you want to join the FFL? To make an example, and expunge the heathen ways of crab eating heretics through the vessel of foreign service.

List any other factors that you feel we should take into account in evaluating your application:
My religion decrees that I can neither kill nor eat the flesh of crabs, or allow such things to happen in my sight.
For related reasons, I also cannot abide seagulls, and it is against my religion to ride in or condone the use of airplanes, even in battle against a hated foe.

Helicopters are still not ideal, but acceptable.

I also have this twitch every now and then in my left eye, but I'm sure it's nothing.

Yours in a sense
CM Blackburn

[Fatatatutti]

Name: Nzobe Emalitcalf
Country of Origin: Bovidia

Age: 6
Height: 110cm at the shoulder
Weight: 105kg
Build: Sloped shoulders with a prominent rear end and powerful, splayed hooves.
Physical impairments: One broken horn.

Do you have:
- weapons training? Which weapons? None. I also have no opposable thumbs.
- martial arts training? Sparring, although the loss of a horn has thrown off my balance.
- first aid training? None.
- survival training? Explain. Life in Bovidia.
- previous military experience? Explain. I stood as the dominant male of the Round Territory in the Marsh Near the Big Hill for nearly six months, driving away competitors and spreading my genetic information to the next generation.
- any fears? List them. Predators of all sorts (but mostly snakes), deflated balloons, needles, loud sudden noises, quicksand, the internal combustion engine, any large mammal approaching within my flight distance.

Are you willing and/or able to:
- live "rough" in the bush for extended periods of time? Yes. Due to my efficient ruminant digestive system, I can live off naturally-occurring plant material of medium-to-high nutritional value indefinitely.
- kill without remorse? If it is a Predator, Mobbing could be the only way to protect my calves. I am hesitant about possibly having to fight non-rival prey species.
- serve without pay? I don't understand the concept of 'pay'.
- swim? Yes! Swimming is one of my strongest suits.
- eat what you kill? Ew! Why would I want to eat the flesh of my kill, like the despicable predators? For the rare circumstances where I need to boost my protein intake, a bit of carrion would suffice.
- speak out against authority? Dominance exists for a reason. I will obey the directives of my superiors until I am physically able to overthrow them.
- play soccer with children? Yes, although my superior speed balanced by limited endurance might limit my options in positions to play.
- shower with the opposite sex? I don't understand the concept of 'shower.'

In twenty-five words or less, why do you want to join the FFL? Since I broke my horn sparring with another male and my mates abandoned me I've been looking for an outlet for my displaced aggression.

List any other factors that you feel we should take into account in evaluating your application: Although my swimming speed is rather slow, I do have superior endurance and can even sleep almost entirely submerged with only my nostrils poking above the surface. My long, splayed hooves and prominent rear leg muscles give me good traction and speed when running across marshy terrain.

Mr. Emalitcalf,

Thank you for your application but I'm sorry to say that you don't meet our requirements at this time. We routinely fight at ranges much longer than your horn can manage.

Ordinarily, I would encourage even the unsuccessful applicants to come to Fatatatutti to enjoy our attractions as a tourist or an immigrant - but in your case, I'm afraid that your aggressive tendencies, along with your delicious flavour, would soon make you a victim of predation.

Happy grazing,

Gen. Castro-Stalina

[Fatatatutti]

Name: Chester Mahogany Blackburn
Country of Origin: Brachyuria

Age: 32
Height: tallish
Weight: average
Build: distinguished
Physical impairments: bit of a stiff shoulder from playfully wrestling with giant crabs in his younger days

Do you have:
- weapons training? Which weapons? Standard everyday guns
- martial arts training? Nope, besides crab wrestling, which is useless against anything that isn't a giant crustacean
- first aid training? Nope
- survival training? Explain. Basic survival training from time in Brachyurian army, nothing fancy though.
- previous military experience? Explain. 8 years in the Brachyurian army, served in Queen Isabelle's Brachyurian Mounted Rifles Division, 2nd Regiment. Tasked with manning one of the regiments specialised Anti-Aircraft armoured vehicles. Ended his service 2 years ago as a Sergeant.
- any fears? List them. Airplanes, the concept of an endless afterlife consisting of being swarmed by flocks of seagulls for all eternity.

Are you willing and/or able to:
- live "rough" in the bush for extended periods of time? Prefers being fancy, but can do
- kill without remorse? If it's not a crab, he can bring himself to kill it
- serve without pay? Nope
- swim? Yup
- eat what you kill? If it's not a crab.
- speak out against authority? Sure.
- play soccer with children? Absolutely.
- shower with the opposite sex? In the most gentlemanly way possible

In twenty-five words or less, why do you want to join the FFL? To make an example, and expunge the heathen ways of crab eating heretics through the vessel of foreign service.

List any other factors that you feel we should take into account in evaluating your application:
My religion decrees that I can neither kill nor eat the flesh of crabs, or allow such things to happen in my sight.
For related reasons, I also cannot abide seagulls, and it is against my religion to ride in or condone the use of airplanes, even in battle against a hated foe.

Helicopters are still not ideal, but acceptable.

I also have this twitch every now and then in my left eye, but I'm sure it's nothing.

Yours in a sense
CM Blackburn

Mr. Blackburn,

Congratulations. You're the first applicant to disqualify yourself twice.

The Fatatatutti Foreign Legion is an air-mobile organization. Fatatatutti is an island and the FFL is expected to participate in foreign peacekeeping operations as necessary, so you can do the math. Anybody who won't fit in the aircraft or who refuses to travel in an aircraft is automatically disqualified. (Just out of curiosity, how did you propose to get here?)

And we're not offering any pay.

For the record, we don't have any giant crabs in Fatatatutti (or expect to encounter many of them overseas) but we do have a lot of little ones. They don't venture very far from the beach and we don't often get to the beach, so our paths seldom cross. (Sleeping on the beach is a pleasant experience but if you sleep too soundly, they're liable to eat you.)

-- Gen. Castro-Stalina

[Herminia]

Name: Klaus Werner
Country of Origin: Herminia

Age: 32
Height: 5"6
Weight: 150 lbs
Build: Light and slightly muscular
Physical impairments: None

Do you have:
- weapons training? Which weapons? Rifles, grenade launchers, grenades, rocket launchers, pistols
- martial arts training? Bah! It is a coward's way of fighting, a kick to the groin or a punch to the face is better
- first aid training? Ja
- survival training? Explain. I have spent a lot of time training in the deserts, jungles, temperate forests, mountains, and savannas of the Reich
- previous military experience? Explain. I have fought in the Violencistani Civil War, the brief Herminian Civil War, the War of Cleansing, the Turgov Civil War, and during Fall Subjeckt (never saw action in the last one, though)
- any fears? List them. Ha! I am a German, I fear nothing!

Are you willing and/or able to:
- live "rough" in the bush for extended periods of time? Ja
- kill without remorse? I kill my enemies with no mercy
- serve without pay? Pff, I expect some pay for my services
- swim? Well, ja! I learned the skill when I was two!
- eat what you kill? I am not a caveman!
- speak out against authority? Nein, I was taught extreme discipline and to utterly respect my superiors
- play soccer with children? I am a Soldat, I do not play with anyone during my active military service except with other Soldaten
- shower with the opposite sex? Ugh, I'd rather shower with Nichtmenschen, so no

In twenty-five words or less, why do you want to join the FFL? I wish to show the world my prowess and skill, my courage and my ferocity. I am a Detuschman, here me roar!

List any other factors that you feel we should take into account in evaluating your application: No

[Fatatatutti]

Name: Klaus Werner
Country of Origin: Herminia

Age: 32
Height: 5"6
Weight: 150 lbs
Build: Light and slightly muscular
Physical impairments: None

Do you have:
- weapons training? Which weapons? Rifles, grenade launchers, grenades, rocket launchers, pistols
- martial arts training? Bah! It is a coward's way of fighting, a kick to the groin or a punch to the face is better
- first aid training? Ja
- survival training? Explain. I have spent a lot of time training in the deserts, jungles, temperate forests, mountains, and savannas of the Reich
- previous military experience? Explain. I have fought in the Violencistani Civil War, the brief Herminian Civil War, the War of Cleansing, the Turgov Civil War, and during Fall Subjeckt (never saw action in the last one, though)
- any fears? List them. Ha! I am a German, I fear nothing!

Are you willing and/or able to:
- live "rough" in the bush for extended periods of time? Ja
- kill without remorse? I kill my enemies with no mercy
- serve without pay? Pff, I expect some pay for my services
- swim? Well, ja! I learned the skill when I was two!
- eat what you kill? I am not a caveman!
- speak out against authority? Nein, I was taught extreme discipline and to utterly respect my superiors
- play soccer with children? I am a Soldat, I do not play with anyone during my active military service except with other Soldaten
- shower with the opposite sex? Ugh, I'd rather shower with Nichtmenschen, so no

In twenty-five words or less, why do you want to join the FFL? I wish to show the world my prowess and skill, my courage and my ferocity. I am a Detuschman, here me roar!

List any other factors that you feel we should take into account in evaluating your application: No

Mr. Werner,

You are unqualified on at least two counts: This is an unpaid position and coed facilities are a given.

Even if you changed your mind on those points, I would probably deny your application anyway. Almost all of your answers in the personality profile were "wrong" and your motivation is completely different from our mission. Add to that your use of words like "Nichtmenschen" and I don't see any chance of you fitting in in the FFL (or anywhere in Fatatatutti, for that matter).

-- Gen. Castro-Stalina

[Herminia]

Bah! You dare turn me down?! You cowardly, loincloth-wearing, pacifistic, cannibalistic barbarians wouldn't know talent if it punched you in the face! Thus, I will take my business to a more civilized and sensible state's military, good day!

-- Feldwebel Klaus Werner

[Jankenjin]

Name: Hajimegu Hatsutadashigu
Country of Origin: Triune Republic of Jankenjin

Age: 32
Height: 5'10"
Weight: 235
Build: Muscular. Jankenjin bodies resemble (roughly) human-sized kangaroos, so Hajimegu has relatively shorter arms than a human, but much larger legs and feet, and has a large balancing tail on her hind end.
Physical impairments: None. Jankenjin, as a rule, have less upper body strength than humans, but much greater lower body strength. Hajimegu is a poor thrower by human standards, but can jump much higher and run (well, actually hop) much faster and longer than a human. Also, Jankenjin tails are slightly prehensile--while she can't pick up or hold things with hers, she can use it to brace herself or wrap its end around a projection to hold on. She could even hang from it, but only for a few minutes.

Do you have:
- weapons training? Which weapons? Yes, both small arms (automatic pistol) and rifle. Hajimegu is a reasonably good marksman with both.
- martial arts training? Some, including hand-to-hand, kickboxing, and batataku (Jankenjin tail-fighting)
- first aid training? Basic, including combat trauma-response
- survival training? Explain. Limited. Hajimegu was a regular grunt, not a special forces soldier
- previous military experience? Explain. Yes, 10 years enlisted in the Triune Republic Marine Corps. Served honorably but undistinguished. Only combat experience was participating in a pirate-suppression operation about 6 years ago, completed successfully with few casualties on either side.
- any fears? List them. None

Are you willing and/or able to:
- live "rough" in the bush for extended periods of time? If needed, though not very willingly.
- kill without remorse? To kill, yes--she did have to shoot one of the pirates her unit engaged. It was an emotionally wrenching act though; not one she would willingly repeat.
- serve without pay? No
- swim? Yes. Jankenjin are surprisingly good swimmers.
- eat what you kill? Yes
- speak out against authority? Yes
- play soccer with children? Yes
- shower with the opposite sex? Which one? Jankenjin sexes don't really correspond to human ones.

In twenty-five words or less, why do you want to join the FFL? Hajimegu is trying to restart her life after a brief and rather disastrous marriage that ended in a messy divorce. She's basically running away to forget her past.

List any other factors that you feel we should take into account in evaluating your application: Jankenjin are neither male nor female and often have difficulty understanding the human male/female dynamic. She can get along with either sex, but it may appear awkward when she starts fraternizing with both.

[Brachyuria]

To: General Castro-Stalina
Re: Disqualification from the FFL

Dear sir.

I am saddened that you have not taken the opportunity arisen from my great example to immediately relinquish the heathen ways of air-travel and resume a more glorious and slightly less objectively foreign notion of fighting purely on land and sea, rather than sharing the skies with the accursed seagull menace. I was holding out a hope that it might, but it seems it was a wasted venture.

Your question regarding my method of getting to Fatatatutti is understandable, seeing that your reliance on these dark machines has apparently made you forget clean about any other methods of travel. I imagine, unless there is a ring of active volcanoes or deadly oceanic whirlpools around your nation that inhibit lower-altitude travel, that I would have made the journey by boat. I had not charted the path beforehand but my estimates were that it would take me the better half of a month to reach you.

As for the second point of my disqualification, I'm afraid I did not read the fine print, and can only blame myself for thinking the Foreign Legion would have been a paid venture. Though had I put more thought into it, I suppose it should have dawned on me that a group so devoted to the unholy ways of earlier mentioned seagull menace, would have been similarly objectionable in other fields.

Filthy heathens though you may be, I do apologise for wasting your time.

Yours in a sense
CM Blackburn.

Congratulations. You're the first applicant to disqualify yourself twice.

What do I win?

[Fatatatutti]

Name: Hajimegu Hatsutadashigu
Country of Origin: Triune Republic of Jankenjin

Age: 32
Height: 5'10"
Weight: 235
Build: Muscular. Jankenjin bodies resemble (roughly) human-sized kangaroos, so Hajimegu has relatively shorter arms than a human, but much larger legs and feet, and has a large balancing tail on her hind end.
Physical impairments: None. Jankenjin, as a rule, have less upper body strength than humans, but much greater lower body strength. Hajimegu is a poor thrower by human standards, but can jump much higher and run (well, actually hop) much faster and longer than a human. Also, Jankenjin tails are slightly prehensile--while she can't pick up or hold things with hers, she can use it to brace herself or wrap its end around a projection to hold on. She could even hang from it, but only for a few minutes.

Do you have:
- weapons training? Which weapons? Yes, both small arms (automatic pistol) and rifle. Hajimegu is a reasonably good marksman with both.
- martial arts training? Some, including hand-to-hand, kickboxing, and batataku (Jankenjin tail-fighting)
- first aid training? Basic, including combat trauma-response
- survival training? Explain. Limited. Hajimegu was a regular grunt, not a special forces soldier
- previous military experience? Explain. Yes, 10 years enlisted in the Triune Republic Marine Corps. Served honorably but undistinguished. Only combat experience was participating in a pirate-suppression operation about 6 years ago, completed successfully with few casualties on either side.
- any fears? List them. None

Are you willing and/or able to:
- live "rough" in the bush for extended periods of time? If needed, though not very willingly.
- kill without remorse? To kill, yes--she did have to shoot one of the pirates her unit engaged. It was an emotionally wrenching act though; not one she would willingly repeat.
- serve without pay? No
- swim? Yes. Jankenjin are surprisingly good swimmers.
- eat what you kill? Yes
- speak out against authority? Yes
- play soccer with children? Yes
- shower with the opposite sex? Which one? Jankenjin sexes don't really correspond to human ones.

In twenty-five words or less, why do you want to join the FFL? Hajimegu is trying to restart her life after a brief and rather disastrous marriage that ended in a messy divorce. She's basically running away to forget her past.

List any other factors that you feel we should take into account in evaluating your application: Jankenjin are neither male nor female and often have difficulty understanding the human male/female dynamic. She can get along with either sex, but it may appear awkward when she starts fraternizing with both.

Private Hatsutadashigu,

I see no significant reason not to accept you into the FFL. However, I must stress that this is an unpaid position. If you change your mind about being paid, you will be welcome.

I hope there won't be any problems due to species differences. You will be expected to shower, etc. with both male and female humans. There are few, if any, other non-humans in the FFL.

-- Gen. Castro-Stalina

[Jankenjin]

Name: Hajimegu Hatsutadashigu
Country of Origin: Triune Republic of Jankenjin

Age: 32
Height: 5'10"
Weight: 235
Build: Muscular. Jankenjin bodies resemble (roughly) human-sized kangaroos, so Hajimegu has relatively shorter arms than a human, but much larger legs and feet, and has a large balancing tail on her hind end.
Physical impairments: None. Jankenjin, as a rule, have less upper body strength than humans, but much greater lower body strength. Hajimegu is a poor thrower by human standards, but can jump much higher and run (well, actually hop) much faster and longer than a human. Also, Jankenjin tails are slightly prehensile--while she can't pick up or hold things with hers, she can use it to brace herself or wrap its end around a projection to hold on. She could even hang from it, but only for a few minutes.

Do you have:
- weapons training? Which weapons? Yes, both small arms (automatic pistol) and rifle. Hajimegu is a reasonably good marksman with both.
- martial arts training? Some, including hand-to-hand, kickboxing, and batataku (Jankenjin tail-fighting)
- first aid training? Basic, including combat trauma-response
- survival training? Explain. Limited. Hajimegu was a regular grunt, not a special forces soldier
- previous military experience? Explain. Yes, 10 years enlisted in the Triune Republic Marine Corps. Served honorably but undistinguished. Only combat experience was participating in a pirate-suppression operation about 6 years ago, completed successfully with few casualties on either side.
- any fears? List them. None

Are you willing and/or able to:
- live "rough" in the bush for extended periods of time? If needed, though not very willingly.
- kill without remorse? To kill, yes--she did have to shoot one of the pirates her unit engaged. It was an emotionally wrenching act though; not one she would willingly repeat.
- serve without pay? No
- swim? Yes. Jankenjin are surprisingly good swimmers.
- eat what you kill? Yes
- speak out against authority? Yes
- play soccer with children? Yes
- shower with the opposite sex? Which one? Jankenjin sexes don't really correspond to human ones.

In twenty-five words or less, why do you want to join the FFL? Hajimegu is trying to restart her life after a brief and rather disastrous marriage that ended in a messy divorce. She's basically running away to forget her past.

List any other factors that you feel we should take into account in evaluating your application: Jankenjin are neither male nor female and often have difficulty understanding the human male/female dynamic. She can get along with either sex, but it may appear awkward when she starts fraternizing with both.

Private Hatsutadashigu,

I see no significant reason not to accept you into the FFL. However, I must stress that this is an unpaid position. If you change your mind about being paid, you will be welcome.

I hope there won't be any problems due to species differences. You will be expected to shower, etc. with both male and female humans. There are few, if any, other non-humans in the FFL.

-- Gen. Castro-Stalina

Begging the General's pardon, but are you expecting me to put my neck on the line for you in exchange for what--room and board? What happened to an honest day's work for an honest day's pay?

Sgt. Hajimegu Hatsutadashigu.

[Fatatatutti]

Begging the General's pardon, but are you expecting me to put my neck on the line for you in exchange for what--room and board? What happened to an honest day's work for an honest day's pay?

Private Hatsutadashigu,

Yes, that's exactly what we expect. If you don't have that level of dedication, we don't need you. The military is not a "job", it's a calling.

-- Gen. Castro-Stalina

[Jankenjin]

Private Hatsutadashigu,

Yes, that's exactly what we expect. If you don't have that level of dedication, we don't need you. The military is not a "job", it's a calling.

-- Gen. Castro-Stalina

Very romantic and idealistic of you, General but not practical.

I'll say. I suppose if I were a Fatatatuttian, I could be talked into doing it "for the fosterland", but I thought this was a Foreign Legion, right? Mercenaries expect to get paid for their work.

[Neo Prutenia]

Very romantic and idealistic of you, General but not practical.

If you allow, I'd like to remind you, Fatatatutti is not the only Nation with such aa approach. Infamous New Nicksyllvania and my beloved Nation are also known to pursue a similar policy.