Ajax Regional News Thread [Closed: Ajax Only]

by **Enyama** » Sun Nov 08, 2020 2:22 pm

Artús Montecalvo becomes 1st Chancellor of Gran Aligonia

Chancellor Artús Montecalvo's official portrait. 2020/11/08

VILLA ROMERA, Gran Aligonia — Crowds gathered today throughout the archipelago in both protest and jubilation as the last of the election results coming in confirmed that Artús Montecalvo had won Gran Aligonia's first election, replacing Interim Chancellor Leuter Sion and becoming the first democratically elected leader of the turbulent island nation; in the Grand Ministry, Montecalvo's center-right coalition, the League for National Reform, also won a majority, securing a strong legislative mandate for the infant party, and displacing the momentum previously held by Leuter Sion's leftist coalition, the Aligonian Alliance for Free Thought. Sion released his final remarks soon after the victory, speaking from the AAFT campaign offices in Villa Romera, calling the race "hard-fought" while "hoping [he] will stay true to his word and not polarize us".

Even while leftist protesters stood eye-to-eye with Xendarmes only several blocks away, Montecalvo emerged today to deliver a jubilant victory speech, in which he reasserted his vision of an independent and united Aligonia, while skirting questions of whether he would directly support anyone in particular:

"...and now, I promise you that I will do my best to cool every single last tension that has been brought upon this island. We will look into the finances of the Casinos, something the AAFT never did for fear of uncovering something about themselves they didn't want to hear. We will stop, immediately, this brutalization of our foreign friends on our soil. I have told Director-General Segarra to leave his post permanently, and he has obliged; the force of the new Xendarmes will not be so unevenly applied; the GACF will remain vigilant in any way it can, while not assuming it can win without allies. And as for allies, we are willing to reach out again to our neighbors in every direction across the sea - but no forces will ever occupy a smidgen of our archipelago again. We will work together to protect our archipelago from the most egregious of foreign agitators, as equals. We will stand up to those trying to economically bully us; we will have the strongest middle class in our history, we will build skyscrapers, innovate, develop technology, and secure our untapped oil fields for the safe and clean production of plastics. We will ourselves move to explore our options in the offshore wind sector, we will do our best to combat misinformation online, and we will absolve those in the nobility who were punished for doing nothing, and return to them what was stolen and then ludicrously misused by the Sion administration.

Again we shall be the Lion of the Periclean, again we shall return to what once was, in the days of the Most Magnificent government! Together!"

After the speech, which has in the meantime domestically received a generally positive reception, Montecalvo and his entourage, including his wife Delfina and two children, Rafael and Xenia, headed to the nearby Cathedral of St. Brandasma in Villa Romera, where they affirmed the "strong religious history and tradition" of Gran Aligonia before going to Mass. As the day unfolded, Montecalvo's election and empowerment generated a variety of reactions from the Periclean World and greater international community:

Latin Emperor Constantine XX was among the first to phone Chancellor Montecalvo after his victory. The Latin Foreign Bureau likewise released a statement congratulating the Aligonian people: "The Emperor and the Latin people offer their deepest congratulations to Chancellor Montecalvo. Today is the first step towards re-defining the continuing long-standing relationship between the Latin and Aligonian people, in which together we continue towards our goals of prosperity throughout the Periclean Sea."

The Yisraeli Foreign Ministry hailed Montecalvo's election, saying: "The Government and people of Yisrael welcome Artús Montecalvo as the new Chancellor of Gran Aligonia, and we wish him every success and goodwill. It is refreshing to have a sober-minded, mature leader befitting the office of which he just won enter his political post. We very much look forward to partnering with Chancellor Montecalvo to restore peace and calm in the West Periclean." Speaking to reporters from his fourteen-day foreign tour abroad, currently on a state visit to Lihnidos, President Yitzchok Katz weighed in: "I am overjoyed that the Gran Aligonian people elected a man of such good character, even-handed personality, and good political instincts. We consider Mr. Montecalvo a reasonable partner, and I am eager to restore GA-Yisraeli relations and bring a renewed period of friendship between our governments and peoples. We are encouraged by the immediate steps he's taken to end the Sion-era policy of state harassment of foreign nationals, including visiting Yisraeli tourists, and we are excited to cooperate on other bilateral and global issues of shared importance. He has my full and sincere congratulations on his hard-fought victory."

Reactions from the broader Western Monarchies were generally positive: Fahrani Prince Faisal of the Eidrusids, Queen Melisende III of Sydalon, and Prime Minister Adiuni Kloarec of Gelonia all congratulated Montecalvo on his victory. While a spokesperson for the Abellán family congratulated Montecalvo on his victory, the increasingly-controversial statement made by former Prince Veremundo's second child, Catalia, went viral on the internet, with many in the Western Monarchies calling it tenacious; Catalia demanded that "the first Abellán willing to be empowered" should be given "that which was unrightly taken; until then, I will not recognize the legitimacy of Artús Montecalvo or any of his counterparts' administrations under the current constitution." Some pundits have speculated as to whether Catalia's statements could have an effect on the South Ottonian reaction to the election, as of yet nonexistent; Catalia is married to Arnulf of the House of Sproek-Kristhulm, 12th in line to the South Ottonian throne.

Other reactions in the Periclean were more controversial. Most notably, Messidorian President Yolande-Minerve Saverne declined to release any comment on the election. In Vardana, reactions were also mixed, despite the Directory of Vardana collectively offering congratulations to the Aligonian people on their historic election. Director and First Secretary Anastas Barkhudar was noted for his support of Chancellor Sion leading up to the election; however, he personally congratulated Chancellor-elect Montecalvo during a brief phone call. Meanwhile, Director Nebez Gewirk and former Director and now candidate Arman Boghossian issued a joint statement, urging the Aligonian people to continue their fight against would-be imperialists and undue foreign influence. "In Vardana, Aligonia will always have a friend when it comes to those goals." Similarly, Mohammed Sabbagh, of the Fahrani National Salvation Council congratulated "the triumph of the will of the Aligonian people", but did not directly congratulate Montecalvo on his win. In Stromheim, the Blumentürme also declined to release a public comment, though some have reported a phone call was made from the northern nation to Montecalvo's office.

Montecalvo has called the flurry of reactions "surprising and encouraging"; as he was the first chosen, he has been immediately inaugurated as Chancellor, though his government will take a while longer to organize its cabinet. The most major change to the current roster of the core Aligonian government, aside from the departure of all AAFT ministers, is the firing of Director-General Segarra of the Xendarmeria. Long considered a neutral mediator between the two sides of Aligonia's cultural environment, Segarra spent decades as the personal chief of security for the House of Abellán and was reportedly close with Verucio Abellán. Most recently, Segarra's command of the Xendarmeria caught flak with the controversial creation of FIGA, Aligonian intelligence, and the much-maligned stop-and-frisk policy directed towards foreign nationals. Whether other major replacements are yet to be made by the Montecalvo administration remains to be seen.

Montecalvo represents an even newer phenomenon than the decades-old leftist protest, which some have been calling a "third way" between the two extremes of Aligonian hardline monarchism, increasingly called Villarism after Duke Alexandre Del Villar, who is currently in asylum in Latium, and the leftist antimonarchism of the AAFT, which has been itself drifting increasingly to the extreme. Many have considered the election the end of the AAFT, and, due to Montecalvo's more traditionalist character, it has also appeased those who felt betrayed by the seemingly-sudden turn of Archbishop Hugo Marin of Sidora into a left-wing terrorist and agitator earlier this year; the warrant for Villar's arrest has been dropped, but Marin's has not, and he is believed to remain at large in Scipian Messidor; Montecalvo has not yet commented recently on his administration's status towards Marin, nor towards any larger international incidents such as the Enyaman or Fahrani Civil Wars.

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IIwiki Admin · by **Ghant** » Thu Apr 01, 2021 5:51 pm

Dusky Nipples Edition

Without Nipples Tits Would Be Pointless

Nipples: the forbidden fruit of boobs. Female models, actresses and celebrities often wear dresses that allow them to push the frontier of how much boob they can show without showing nips, which of course would be going too far. Yet infants and manbabies around the world derive nourishment from them, so what’s the big deal, right? But wait, there’s more! What if we told you that there are nipples in the world that have embraced the dark side? We know, that sounds titillating, doesn’t it? Welcome to the Dusky Nipple Edition of the Nibbler.

The Forbidden Nature of Nipples

Belisarian wooden nipple shields from 1700 CE.

So let’s talk about nipples. Female ones to be specific. Evil, scornful, shameful female nips and the mystery surrounding them. The obsession with female nipples and the need to keep them covered is one that’s so deeply ingrained in western society, it doesn’t even occur to most people to think about why half of the world’s nipples are acceptable for public consumption, and the other half aren’t (here’s looking at you, buff surfer guy walking around shirtless on the beach. Fuck you and your useless nipples).

For this segment, we’d like to share with you a story shared by one of our female editors, Stacey. Here is Stacey’s story of nipple censorship.

“Once upon a time, when I was 24, I was backstage for a burlesque show, supergluing pasties to my boobs. Now in normal, sane, conditions, I use tape or latex or wishful thinking, but it was a hot day, I was sweating, and the Teflon titties had struck. Superglue it was, to be followed by a boob bath in ethanol later that night. Let me tell you, that shit hurt.

It got me thinking. Such is the potential for controversy around them – so unacceptable, and probably illegal, would it have been for me to expose a full breast to the public – that I had been reduced to a traumatic form of boob-crafting. That same hot day, as I walked to the gig, I observed that the canals of Ghish had been descended upon by nipples. Socially acceptable, man-nipples.”

There’s currently 4 billion people on the planet, totaling, and I’m spit-balling here, 8 billion nipples, half of which many countries have deemed to be dangerous (more on that later). On close inspection, it’s difficult to tell the difference; but on further inspection, well, it’s also difficult to tell the difference.

We would challenge any reader right now to distinguish between a close-up picture of a male (not scary) nipple, and a female (really scary) nipple. The likelihood is that you just wouldn’t be able to say for sure which was which – so one could hardly be blamed for assuming it’s the surrounding landscape of the breast that’s causing the turmoil. However, anyone with knowledge of current bikini trends, or festival wear, will agree that boobs are very ‘in’ right now (oh yeah).

So where does that leave us? On one level, the issue is a cultural one, with specific religious or political regimes demanding that women should be conservatively dressed – that is, covered-up to one extent or another (thanks, Western Monarchies). The Burqa is an extreme expression of this tendency. But historically, almost all cultures have some history of the female breast being exposed in a non-sexual manner. Yes, even nipples are not safe from the impact of current cosmetics trends.

So, clearly, something changed, with several different factors influencing the degree to which the idea of ‘modesty’ took hold. Different religions contributed to the push against women having the freedom to show their bodies without exterior inhibition. And the trends of Catholic Belisarian nations (here’s looking at you, Latium), spread worldwide through the influence of their empires. It was all part of a wider campaign to control women and keep them chained to the wheel of domestic obligations (see the Gran Aligonia edition for more on this topic).

Sensitization is a very real thing. When you spend centuries covering up tits on the basis that they have been deemed offensive, what you end up with is ‘offensive’ tits. Imagine a world where all chests and nipples were acceptable to be displayed in public, but women always kept their left hand gloved, only revealing it to their intimate partners. You would have a society where taking that glove off would likely be classed as indecent exposure. It seems ludicrous, but that’s where we still are, more or less, with female breasts.

What we’ve ended up with is a world where the term “nip-slip” has been invented by tabloid newspapers, who of course are obsessed with this sort of thing. Only one gender can slip a nip, and when they do, if it’s a famous enough nipple, the dogs of the media will go wild.

There are times when you think that reintroducing the death penalty might just be a progressive move. The negative effect of the puritanical approach runs much deeper. The stigma surrounding breastfeeding has been discussed at length in recent years, but it hasn’t gone away. Women feeding their children can often be asked to cover themselves up, to use a dedicated feeding room or in some instances, a fucking public toilet. The female nipple has been elevated – or rather reduced – to such a point of implied lewdness and immorality, that the most natural act in the world must now be hidden from sight to not cause offence. This, of course, is nonsensical and absurd.

The over-sexualisation of the female body is certainly an issue. Inevitably, it is a larger one than the question of nipples and breasts. But the two are intrinsically intertwined. In the end the nipple issue comes down to a simple question: can anyone why a female nipple is any more ‘indecent’ than a male one?

We can. There’s only one thing female nipples can do that male nipples cannot. Produce milk. Therefore, milk production is the answer.

Mother’s Milk and the Secret of Dusky Nipples

Women spend nine months adapting to the changes in their bodies due to pregnancy and, once the baby is born, their bodies starts changing again. During pregnancy, their mammary glands change as a result of a wide range of hormones, including estrogen, progesterone and prolactin. Towards the end of pregnancy, their bodies starts producing colostrum, a special milk that is important to babies in his first few days of life...

Within a few days after giving birth, milk will “come in.” The breasts will become engorged as they swell with milk, becoming extremely full and firm (just the way we like them). The milk will “come in” whether you breastfeed or not, but continued milk production only occurs if a woman empties her breasts of the milk regularly via breastfeeding or through using a breast pump. Breastmilk production depends on the body’s production of 2 key hormones: oxytocin and prolactin.

Breast milk itself contains millions of live cells per millimeter. These include leukocytes to protect the baby from infection and stem cells that can then transform into other cell types like fat, bone, liver and brain cells. In fact, the stem cells that the newborn receives from breast milk may even act as the foundation for their own internal building and repair system Many healthy fats, such as omega-3 fatty acids, are also prevalent in breast milk and optimize crucial brain growth and development, especially in preterm babies who may have missed specific markers from the final trimester of pregnancy

As vital as healthy fats, stem cells, and leukocytes are, they are only a tiny fraction of what breast milk is made of. In actuality, there are thousands of important ingredients in your breast milk. These include, but are not limited to, anti-infective factors, hormones, cell signaling components, enzymes, growth factors, anti-tumor factors, nucleotides, stem cells, minerals, vitamins, carbohydrates, DHA/ARA, protein, water and fat. So basically, lots of good shit that the body needs.

Now, here’s where things get interesting. Nipples are not all the same color, and by Ghantish standards, so called “dusky nipples” are fairly exotic. Fun fact, you can tell by the color of your nipples how tan you can get. Here’s why. Have you ever heard of the fact that you can only get as brown as your own nipples? This crazy theory is discussed again and again in Ghantish academic circles. Many consider it an old popular rule that has never been properly substantiated. We finally have the answer…

The nipple color shows what skin type you have In fact, it is not scientifically proven that you can only get as tan as your nipples are dark. Nevertheless, it is no coincidence that those with dusky nipples tend to have dark skin, therefore, you can see how nipples tell you how brown you can really get. The reason: The nipple color depends on the skin type and this in turn decides how brown you can get and how sensitive you are to the sun. Sounds logical, doesn’t it?

Otherwise known as titjuice.

You can roughly classify skin types (and the corresponding nipple colors) as follows:

Ghantish type: very light skin and very light nipples: Ghant.
Belisarian type: fair skin and moderately pigmented nipples: Ottonia.
Mixed type: medium skin tone and moderately brown nipples: Latium.
Periclean type: olive skin and dark nipples: Lihnidos.
Dark type: light brown to dark skin and dark nipples: Vardana.
Dusky type: dusky skin and dusky nipples: Fahran.

Dusky nipples therefore are especially rare, and highly sought after. Thanks to a reported piece in the Trozlar Times in Garima, we now know of a fad consisting of tattooing nipples to make them look darker, otherwise known as “tittooing”. The cosmetic procedure, a way for people to darken and/or reshape their nipples, has apparently become increasingly popular in southern Belisaria, with women paying up to a thousand thalers for a set.

"A lot of people want their nipples made darker. It’s the fashion," said Helga Oberweis, a clinician who performs the procedure. "Some people think theirs are too pink or their boyfriends want them done. I think sometimes they are doing it because they are conscious of them being pale and they think it’s fashionable to have dark nipples." Fashionable, you say? We hadn't given it that much thought before. If one does opt to get a "tittoo," it's a simple two-hour process followed by touch-ups every 12 to 18 months to avoid fading. Sound like a lot of time and energy for such a small tweak? It's actually not too out of step with the general trend we've been seeing.

So what is it about dusky nipples that makes them so exotic, so highly sought after to the point that women would artificially color their nipples to appear dark? Well, given what we know about female nipples (that they produce milk) and how dark nipples are rare and special, we can only hypothesize that…

Dusky nipples produce chocolate milk. Now, everything going on in Fahran makes sense…

The Secret Power of Chocolate Milk

Ancient Mutulese artwork depicting
chocolate milk.

Chocolate milk, commonly referred to simply as 'the choc', is a naturally produced elixir that has formed a fundamental block of commerce and technological development in the known world for millennia. Now, we're not talking about chocolate milk that's farmed from brown cows. No, we're talking about human chocolate milk. Never heard of it, have you? It is the world's best kept secret, and has played an important role in international trade, as various nations, including Mutul, Latium and Vardana, have ventured far and wide in order to establish outposts where chocolate milk can be more easily obtained. You see, pure chocolate milk can only be produced from the duskiest of nipples, which can only be found in Fahran. This is because the conditions in Fahran by which chocolate milk is created are unique to that country.

Some of its properties include:

Mind altering: it can awaken dormant parts of the human mind and encourage expanded sensory perceptions.
Health benefits: taken regularly it can increase life expectancy and fortify over all health levels (in many cases life expectancy can be tripled).
Addictiveness: chocolate milk has addictive properties, thus increasing demand and creating a large and hungry market for it. An individual's addiction to the choc worsens the more they consume it.
Physical effects: sustained use of the choc leads to human eyes being discolored so that the entire eye would be stained brown - so called Dusky Eyes.

In any event, the choc must flow, and right now, there is a war going on in Fahran that will ultimately decide the fate of not only the nation, but who controls the only source of chocolate milk. The choc must flow!

The Fall of General Huzzah

Research conducted here at the Nibbler indicates that Fahran is the cradle of the duskiest of nipples, and perhaps unsurprisingly, is also a land plagued by wars to decide the fate of the country. Undoubtedly there’s a faction that wants to take control of Fahran so it can get all of the country’s chocolate milk, but who is it, and who are they fighting?

The Fahrani Civil War, known in Gharbaic al-Ḥarb al-'Ahlīyyah al-Fahraaniyyah, which we had a stroke trying to pronounce, is an ongoing civil war that began following an attempted military coup by General Muherram von Schindelwolf of Castle Wolfenstein and a cabal of secularist military officers against the democratically elected, Azdarist government of President Mohammed Sabbagh in the early hours of January 1, 2019. While the initial conflict involved the secularist National Union for the Restoration of the Republic and the Azdarist National Salvation Council, both of which claim to be the legitimate government of the Second Gharib Republic, as well as their allies, it soon expanded to include a royalist faction, backed by the Western Monarchies (who we suspect of wanting the chocolate milk that Fahran’s dusky nipples produce), whose stated goal is to reestablish the monarchy under Hazea I, daughter of the late Ismail III. A shitty king gets deposed and his hot daughter tries to come back and reclaim his throne. Hmm, where have we heard that before?

al-Jambalaya, Fahran – Once upon a time, there were a hundred and fifty men standing around on a hill called Telsareyn, probably passing around blunts. They were more of an ad hoc militia of veterans-turned-farmers than a conventional military force, as opposed to farmers-turned-veteran. Despite that, General Huzzah, genius that he was, had provided them with ten howitzers and bade them hold their position against encroaching royalist forces under General Zod (more on him later), because, you know, farmers would know what the fuck to do with howitzers. Anyway, all other republican forces had fallen back behind the Ford Taurus with a mind to fortify al-Jambalaya and await reinforcements from General Al Carradine. Good plan, right? Let’s fall back and let General Zod and his minions just pull up.

Major Al Naked came from humble origins as a cotton farmer, and nobody was handier with a bottle of aspirin. He had been assigned command, and faced grim odds by drinking Seven-Eleven coffee and joking with his men, probably about which one fucked the most goats the previous harvesting season. The men seemed in especially good spirits despite the approach of General Zod, and they probably kept moral high with marijuana. A nearby city produced a large number of refugees seeking shelter, or maybe they smelled the weed and wanted a hit.

Shelling began a couple hours later as General Zod and his Kardish hordes descended upon the city. Batteries of the Energizer and Duracell variety took aim on the artillery companies entrenched position. They shouldn’t have been standing there. Telsareyn got lit up like Arietta’s party bus on a Saturday night. However, apparently General Naked and his farmer-soldiers held out into the following day, and then into the day after that. How, nobody knows, but our guess is that they dug holes and hid in them.

Apparently, these farmer-soldiers hiding in their holes drove back the Kardish attackers three times from Telsareyn, but then the Kards took Telsareyn so how many times they were previously pushed back doesn’t really matter, now does it? General Zod was winning, and it was up to General Huzzah to put a stop to him and his rabble.

His plan? General Huzzah had instituted a strict system of rationing, allotting four pounds of rice a day for each man, three pounds of rice a day for each woman, and two pounds of rice a day for each child. Very basic math skills indeed. With the fate of Fahran hanging in the balance, the great General Huzzah could be relied upon to make sure that rice was properly rationed amongst the peasantry.

General Huzzah, loyal soldier and martyr.

Maybe that’s why he got killed during a mortar strike in the northwest of the city. A bunch of important guys got killed at the same time and their remains couldn’t be recovered from the rubble right away. Eventually his body was snagged and prepared for burial with honors, which would include a bed of rice and goat cheese.

Brigadier General Nawshan al-Tamimi took his place, and said, "The general's loss will not be in vain. The city will not fall." Yet the artillery shells keep blowing up, and people suffer with their small bags of rice.

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, “I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through General Huzzah's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week and when I return I expect to see it completed.”

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Fahranis in various sexual positions. Furious, he called the artist in. “What the hell is this?” screamed the billionaire.

“Why that's exactly what you asked for,” said the artist smugly.

“No, I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Huzzah's last thoughts.”

“And there you have it” said the artist. “I call it, ‘Holy cow, look at all those fucking Fahranis.’”

The Rise of Hazea

Emperor Nathan IV of Ghant and Hazea of Fahran.

Hazea was born in the early morning of 13 September 1996, amid the turmoil that followed the December Intifada. Her father, Ismail III was King of Fahran from November 29 1988 until his forced abdication on April 15 1996. Her mother Oihana Victoria Bizkarrat, the Queen-Consort, was a model and professional photographer of Ghantish descent who had begun dating the future king during their time at university. We also have it on good authority that she’s got some gnarly nudes somewhere here in Ghant, but then again, what model of Ghantish descent doesn’t?

Hazea was delivered by Caesarian section (she must have been a big baby to not be able to get through that coochie) in the summer palace at Tel Imradhil where her parents had been placed under house arrest by the newly established republican government. She was blessed and baptized by Saleh ibn Abd al-Aziz al-Fawzan (Don’t make dinner reservations for that guy), the principal spiritual adviser to the House of Aidarus, at the Hazrat Nafissa Modahn on 20 September 1996 and named Hazea in reverence to the poetic naming conventions of the Bedouin aristocracy. Her father composed a sharaba, a traditional poem in commemoration of a child's birth and naming, in observance of the occasion, expressing the wish that, although he had been imprisoned and humiliated, his daughter should be "as free as the winds that whisper through the oasis of Zabral", and it was from this verse that she took her name. That should make up for being a derelect father, right?

Something something the baby was cute and her enemies showed her sympathy, eventually resulting in her being sneaked out of the summer palace in a laundry basket (just like in the movie Willow) on 2 December 1996. Luckily for them, they weren’t being hunted by black dogs that would’ve made Led Zeppelin proud.

She got taken to the Diocese of the East, to the court of Jason, Prince of Youth on 22 December 1996 (later the famous horndog Jason VI of Latium, who’s proudly enshrined in our very own Nibbler Hall of Fame). Hazea, sniffling from what would prove to be a severe upper respiratory infection, was proclaimed the rightful Queen of Fahran on 25 December 1996, just three days after her arrival, by an assembly of nobles led by her great uncle Prince Faisal, Emir of Qa'tabah.

Hazea's childhood was sheltered on account of her frail health and the potential risk of assassination. Despite complaints from the government of Latium, Fahran's republican government, led by Hassan El Gheisari, denied any involvement in planning or orchestrating any attacks (of course). The queen was known to spend her holidays intermittently between Latium, where Jason was now Emperor, and Ghant, at the court of Jason’s brother-in-law Emperor John IV (and legendary Nibbler contributor also in the Nibbler Hall of Fame). Under the stern instruction of her great uncle, who was keen to foster good relations and bolster the credibility of their claim to Fahran's vacant throne.

On 11 January 2010, Hazea was betrothed to Prince Serwan of Vardana, who was several months her junior, at the tender age of thirteen, though the contract specified that the marriage and consummation could not occur until Serwan had attained the age of seventeen (yeah, like he’d wait that long). Serwan of course is the nephew of King Belos of Gauekoizarra, a man known for his fondness for chocolate milk.

In December 2012, Emperor John IV died and his son and serial womanizer Nathan IV became Emperor. It is no secret that Nathan took a shining to Hazea and Soraya (and having succeeded in his advances on the latter), and supposedly attempted to browbeat Serwan’s mother, Princess Baela of Gauekoizarra into breaking the betrothal so that Nathan could marry her for himself (Nathan also likes chocolate milk. Coincidence? I think not). Eventually he abandoned this plot in favor of Sophia of Dakmoor, and the rest as they say, is history, though that didn’t stop Hazea from becoming a pawn in the schemes of conniving Ghantish lords such as Prince Albert of Ghant and King Belos of Gauekoizarra, Serwan’s uncle.

The garden-variety Ghantish lord is known for being a self-serving, reaching asshole who will kill peasants by the scores in order to enforce his will, and the minute Hazea showed up in Ghant, she was going to used like a pawn in a game of chess. King Belos of Gauekoizarra and his northern friends know a thing or two about fucking people over, and these carpetbagging assholes look at Fahran the way a fat kid looks at the cake sitting on his grandmother’s kitchen counter on Thanksgiving Day. When a famous rapper once said “get rich or die tryin” he wasn’t joking around, and these lords have no intention of dying. For real though, they’ll drink the blood of virgins (like Hazea herself) in order to extend their lives.

Fahran’s Only Hope

Using his cosmic star powers, King Belos recruited the one true warlord who could deliver him Fahran. General Zod. Before the destruction of Krypton, the criminal General Zod was sentenced to banishment into the Phantom Zone. Years later, the Phantom Zone was shattered near Ghant by the power of King Belos calling down a shooting star upon it. General Zod was freed and found himself with superpowers granted by the yellow light of the Sun. In exchange for freeing him from the Phantom Zone, General Zod agreed to conquer Fahran for King Belos. By way of his nephew Serwan being married to the destined queen Hazea, King Belos would then have ultimate control of all the chocolate milk.

Super Ghantboy t-shirts are available on our
online giftshop.

Fortunately for Fahran, Super Ghantboy, disguised as Ghantboy, works at the Nibbler, where all the news of trouble and disasters show him where people need help. This would lead to Ghantboy learning of General Zod and his campaign in Fahran, which would result in Ghantboy having no choice but to fly to Fahran and fight General Zod in order to save Fahran, the dusky nipples, and the chocolate milk from the exploitation of the Western Monarchies. With the fate of so much hanging in the balance, Super Ghantboy would stop at nothing in order to achieve victory.

Unfortunately for Super Ghantboy, General Zod is a formidable foe. Back on Krypton he was a military leader and trained in martial combat and battle tactics, none of which Super Ghantboy is familiar with. However, Super Ghantboy is stronger, having grown up on our world and being exposed to the yellow light of the sun since infancy. That, combined with his willpower and determination to prevent the exploitation of Fahran by the Western Monarchies, gives him a critical advantage against Zod in a one on one.

In the inevitable showdown between Zod and Super Ghantboy, the latter will ultimately prevail for this reason. Zod will be overpowered and the Phantom Zone restored, with Zod imprisoned in it once again, and hopefully forevermore. The republic will have been saved and the enemies of the free people of Fahran shall be defeated and cast out. Then the government of Fahran can do what it does best...start rationing rice, and probably chocolate milk too.

In Conclusion

Next time you’re in the grocery store, take a moment to appreciate store-bought milk. Chocolate cow’s milk is made from brown cows, and it tastes hella good, but it’s also rich, so remember to drink it in moderation and enjoy it. People are not cows, and are not meant to produce milk in the same quantities or for the same reasons. Human women produce milk to nourish their young and make them strong. Western monarchs and Ghantish kings can fuck right off.

Sorry, Western Monarchies.

Fahran and its friends, feel free to say the same to all those western monarchies. General Zod may get defeated by Super Ghantboy, but there will be others who come looking to squeeze your dusky nipples, and when that day comes, you must be prepared. We here at the Nibbler will continue to honor our pledge of educating the Ghantish public on the great issues facing the world today, and those yet to come, one glass of chocolate milk at a time. Oh and remember Fahran, your dusky nipples and the western monarchies, you just got Nibbled!

Because we know you have nothing better to do.

Can’t get enough of the Nibbler? Come see our Nibbler Article Archives!

by **Enyama** » Thu Apr 08, 2021 6:36 pm

New political paradigm emerging in Ostrozava?

VALEGORIA - As Ostrozava steadily approaches the one-year mark since Albin Volf's catalyzing disclosures, the political arena is steadily becoming the most heated it's been since the 2005 Polnitsan War. The center of the disclosures, Contractual overreach by the currently-defunct PRCO, has led to the brutal murder of its last director, Valdemar Rezek, and the subsequent indictment of six out of nine of the Supreme Court justices, on charges of conspiracy and treason. Though several loose ends continue to mar the continued investigation regarding the entire PRCO ordeal, it has not stopped many in the political sphere from offering a definite indictment on the implications of the events on the larger political zeitgeist. Popular pundits such as Mojmír Daněk and Iosif Pekurar (pictured above) have particularly capitalized on the news hysteria, migrating from their old positions as often-controversial presenters on popular news channels KNN (Karsko News Network) and TVS (TV Socialistická) to new positions in the developing 'new media' of the internet age, each hosting their own shows, Saving Reason with Mojmír Daněk and Unconventional Thought.

Though the pair had previously towed what many had considered being light versions of the party line for their respective networks (with Karsko News Network, in particular, having had controversies over ideological uniformity behind the scenes) they seem to have both gone off in an increasingly uniform, anti-establishment direction since their migration to the internet. Pekurar, for example, does say that Rezek's sudden murder affected his ideology "considerably", while Daněk was famously fired from KNN after going off-script on-air and questioning his bosses' political ties. Some among online and academic communities have compared this sudden turn in the pair to the broadly defined Reconstructivists of the late 1950s, which ushered waves of reform in several nations, including Ostrozava, Walzenia, and Zacapican.

In modern-Ostrozava, this neoreconstructivism has manifested primarily by targeting the immense size of Ostrozava's bureaucracy and the existence of influence networks within commonly referred 'deep state', a sentiment first seen in the mid-1980s after the beginning of Eva Sedláková's primarship, which notably focused on neutrality and greater integration with the international community, but also saw the biggest increase in government size since the beginning of the Hauland War. However, unlike their predecessors, Daněk, Pekurar, and the increasing number of online influencers they have spurned into politics do not always take a formal or politically-correct stance, often getting into arguments and giving inflammatory statements online, with Pekurar twice suggesting "the bourgeoisie should be expunged from government ", statements which he later claimed were jokes. Daněk, on the other hand, has broken from the Progressive line more solidly by applauding Primar Král's newfound relationship with the military amid the Contractual Crisis, and suggesting Ostrozava take a more hawkish position on the world stage "in a way that is calculated and not the diplomatic equivalent of letting your wife deal with the missionary at the door," a statement which many Albans, known for their doorway solicitation especially around Easter, took as offensive. Their status as *provocateurs* may have caused an Internet firestorm but it has also gained this new movement a heap of supporters in the mainstream.

In politics, Primar Král has come into relative consensus with the new populist paradigm himself, with continued lobbying for an "internationally-integrated yet unflinching nation" in a speech to a Special Session of the People's Congress.

Who are we to be in this new age? Recently have these questions entered our vocabulary again, after what seems to me as more than a half-century of striving for some sort of idea of what we can do, now that we are free from the shackles of hierarchy that have cursed many of us here, and many of us throughout the world to an unseeing, if often inoffensive, existence. It has been almost a year now, since one man, who I grow to see increasingly as a hero, revealed to all of us just exactly what kind of people we had been. Not to each other, not on the street, not to your neighbors, but to the world.

We have all been fools to what we have let fester within these hallowed halls, like cancer. Perhaps Volf, for a while, was the biggest fool of them all, and I do not applaud his actions as, regrettably, one of our pawns. Given what we know now about what the PRCO did, about what the Supreme Court did, and about *everyone* who turned a blind eye ended up being responsible for, we cannot commit to the same mistakes again. This nation will change. I will not be able to do this alone, but I want to invite all of us - comrades, countrymen, citizens, allies - to a more radically free and transparent era, that will redefine our relationship between Prime and Subprime, between citizen and government, between neighbors, and, ultimately, with ourselves, with what it means to be an Ostrozavan. Whatever our mistakes may have been, our greatest quality has always been our capacity to change.

But we must be vigilant in this world, in an age of rising tensions and unsteady ground. No longer can we wave the flag of truce while those we may have even known suffer in the world, and no longer can we delegate our responsibility for fostering positive international change to the deepest recesses of our mechanisms of power. We cannot afford, simply, to not pay attention, not attempt...benevolence. I don't know what this will look like going forward, and our predecessors have proven to us the potential of our own wish for us to be righteous is simply not enough to make that so. We, here, in these halls, are responsible, whether directly, or indirectly, for the actions of the IDR. This means we have destabilization, terrorism, assassination attempts, and a twisted, toxic, hateful form of political maneuvering, both domestically and abroad. I suppose we should be thankful that our trained assassins are bad shots.

What does that mean, going forward, then? I apologize for skirting this primary question. But I will take this opportunity to say that Ostrozava is ready to contribute to our growing international partnerships. The Kiso Pact will soon be able to expect a type of support for a foreign organization heretofore unseen coming from this nation. Walzenia, North Ottonia, the Messidor Union, Vardana, these nations have long been our friends can expect our military support going forward, given the favorable development of the political climate, and, as I'm sure you all know, it seems we have entered an age when friends matter more than in the past. I would now like to take the time to declassify our exact next intentions for the region, as a broad foreign policy goal that will be expanded upon, legislatively, by all who I hope will join me.

We must monitor and minimize the damages to human life and living caused by conflict and war worldwide. In Fahran and elsewhere, we must take a more active stance towards the preservation and expansion of liberty and democracy.

We must invite the global community, through the Forum of Nations, to negotiate together in the cessation of the aberrant conflict in Enyama, which has claimed millions of lives and displaced millions more.

We must remain vigilant, both here and abroad, against the forces of biased hierarchies, and we must offer any support we can, whether economic or otherwise, to displaced and underrepresented groups throughout the world. I wish for us to start economically, transparently supplying leftist movements in crisis regions throughout the globe.

We must not be afraid of dealing with our estranged and unconventional sister-nations throughout the globe. We must re-evaluate our relationship with the USPR and Red Banner Tribunal if we are to find a middle ground, yet we should never concede our values to the anchorings of rigid ideology.

And, finally, we must stand fast and united against the aggressive powers in this world that seek to undermine our stability, our values, and our freedom. For this reason, I would like to again campaign for a total embargo on goods from the Stromheim and Elatia.

We may never be perfect, of course, but this technological age will bring a reckoning to all of us, individually. All of us must learn for ourselves what we must forsake, and what we must embrace. When the history of this overcast era will be written, I want it to be known that the Ostrozavan people were there, ready to fight, on the side of justice, peace, prosperity, and freedom. And I want it known that we were in this together.

Not only did Král's speech make headlines, with some calling it "the best speech in recent Ostrozavan political history", but many, especially in the neoreconstructivist movement, praised his handling of Albin Volf and his choices for foreign policies going forward. Král's cabinet is supporting legislation related to his promises, including transparent deployment of the Ostrozavan Humanitarian Aid Agency (AHPO) in Fahran, alongside select ORVOS elements for defense and intelligence-gathering, a Forum of Nations initiative to end war in the Enyaman region, and economic support for nonviolent leftist groups in places such as Gran Aligonia and Vardana, to start. Additionally, Král's administration has long been showing interest in bolstering Ostrozavan blue-water naval presence, and hopes to reach a deal with the Suvarovan crown for the use of its canal, and lease a port in the Periclean, potentially in Vardana or Aɣmatia, with the objective of bolstering military contributions to extant Kiso-related localized mutual defense initiatives. Ostrozava's diplomatic office has already reached out to the Elatian Republic and USPR, hoping to cooperate with them on ending the conflict in Enyama, though many are skeptical as to the feasibility of such a scheme. Going forward, Král seeks to embark on his first formal visits to Kiso states as Primar, following it up with visits to Vardana, Drevstran, Zacapican, Sante Reze, and more.

Top Headlines
1. Král "hopes for positive change, constitutional reaffirmation" in Vardana as election approaches ⇲
2. "Strange horn sounds" reported coming from the sky in Strakosko baffle observers, scientists ⇲
3. ODF "closely monitoring" developments in Fahrani Civil War, fear spillover into neighboring nations ⇲
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5. Zacapican: Chairman of PIMA steps down over allegations of censorship, misuse of resources ⇲

by **Onekawa-Nukanor** » Fri Apr 23, 2021 11:03 pm

Toru News Daily

| National | International | Sport | Weather | Politics | Entertainment | Science & Technology| Economy |

ONEKAWAN INTERVENTION TO ESCALATE IN ENYAMA

24/04/21TAKUTAIWHERO: A press release by Minitia John Ahia earlier today revealed a significant development for Ngāti Onekawa-Nukanoa in the ongoing Enyaman Civil War. Ngāti Onekawa-Nukanoa had had an ongoing if relatively minor role when it was announced that it had thrown its support behind the Banno Shogunate. Led by the former Three Colours Army (3C) general-turned-warlord Banno Yudo, this self-styled military monarch was considered by most international commentators to be a distinctly unusual choice for the All-King to throw its weight behind when the Three Colours seemed to have been the preferred option of the worlds monarchial powers. However, despite a constant stream of funding by Ngāti Onekawa-Nukanoa, the Banno Shogunate has yet to make significant headway in the years-long civil conflict, and has suffered a significant setback in the loss of its coastal territories.

This choice to support Banno Yudo drew significant criticim from within the royal families and members of the opposition. Neni Taera, leader for the opposition in the Māori Rūnanga (All Council) was notably vocal in her disagreement with the the governments support of Banno, calling the act to be “foolish, shortsignted, vain” and that it will “waste Onekawan resources on a foolhardy, narcissistic warlord”. Despite the significant internal opposition, Onekawan money flowed towards the Banno Shogunate apparently within weeks of his separation from the 3C.

With the Democratic Coalition (DemCo) and the 3C grinding against each other, and the Banno Shogunate seemingly struggling to survive between the two largest power blocs, Minitia John Ahia announced that not only would Ngāti Onekawa-Nukanoa massively escalate support for the Banno Shogunate but would also be working alongside the Federation of Belfras to help stabilize the situation in Enyama.

Minitia John Ahia announced that the ONS Rangitira Carrier Strike Group (R-CSG) would be deploying to off the Enyaman coast, and would “strike by air and sea so as to support the Banno Shogunate, further the goals of Ngāti Onekawa-Nukanoa and hopefully bring the war to a more rapid and overall less costly conclusion”. He made clear that the latest in precision-guided munitions would be utilized so as to keep collateral damage to civilians and important infrastructure for post-war recovery to a minimum.

He also announced that elements from the Federation Carrier INS Phillipos Carrier group will host an exchange with the R-CSG to improve relations between Belfras and Onekawa-Nukanoa. The No.145 squadron of Federation Navy will swap with the 417 “Blackfish” NTF squadron of the ONS Rangitira, whilst two as yet undisclosed R-CSG escorts will swap with their Federation counterparts. The Minitia stated that it “[will be] an excellent opportunity for the armed forces of Ngāti Onekawa-Nukanoa and Federation of Belfras to develop stronger ties between each other, improve interoperatility between our forces and expose our forces between to new ideas.” The Minitia did not answer any question before concluding the press release.

This deployment drew immediate commentary from foreign affairs correspondents. Whilst foreign forces from across the globe had been operating in Enyama for some time, notwithstanding Elatia most foreign contingents were relatively small and primarily of the special forces/advisory role. The Onekawan deployment would likely be the most significant by any individual state by a notable margin, and the most significant in terms of raw military capability. Neni Taera made clear that her position had not changed, and that events in Norumbia are “too far away to spend citizens hard earned tara on wasteful adventurism like this.”

by **Yisroel** » Wed Apr 28, 2021 10:19 pm

Trending Stories -- Onekawan Carrier Group To Enyama -- Left-Wing Populism, Internationalism On Rise In Ostrozava -- United Center Bloc 'Eager' To Make Further Gains In Former Con-Lib Strongholds

After Months Of Intense Infighting, Con-Libs Officially Dissolve, Ending Its 98-Year History As Yisrael's Oldest Political Party

_{Pictured: Oren Saddi, Chairman of the now-dissolved Con-Libs, pensive after gaveling into order the acceptance of the Governing Council's majority vote to end the nearly century-old center-left party.}

The Left Bloc has officially ended in divorce, with its mainstream liberals going one way and its far-left wing going another. As the left contemplates its role in Yisraeli politics, the right and center eye new opportunities with the fall of the country's oldest political party.
^{April 28th, 2021| By Binyomin Eisenberger (beisenberg@ryd.org) | 12:16am EDT}

YERUSHALAYIM, YISRAEL — The sound of a gavel hitting wood, and it was all over. The Constitutional Liberal Party, about a year and a half away from its 100 year anniversary, voted itself dissolved, its activist base split in two. It is one of many new, surprising developments in domestic politics as the decade of the 2020s has taken off. And for many on the left, it was an inevitable, though painful consequence of what they view of a century of failure to properly cement constitutional liberalism in the country's body politic and now fear is a irrevocably backsliding towards illiberality, the political right-wing, and religious elitism.

Although Yisrael's premier and leading party of the left had been in a tailspin for months, the markings of this moment have been years in the making. Generational changes, ideological clashes, tumultuous foreign policy shifts, and shocking new royal politics brought too much disorder and division to bare on one political institution.

A Party Split In Two: What Happened?

Establishment versus populists. Young, avowed Chiloni activists versus Masorti/Dati Leumi old-timers. Monarchy versus whispers of republicanism. Defense of capitalism versus charges of illegal socialist advocacy. In the end, the party could not be everything to everyone on the left.

The hard-left clique around Yosef Kaduri - himself still a missing person in a separate episode of bizzare political intrigue - and Michael Aone, the first Christian leader of a major Yisraeli party, wants to challenge the fundamental tenets of the Yisraeli political-economic order: a market-oriented capitalist economy, under a monarchy guided by halacha, Jewish law. A younger generation of activists have been questioning everything in recent years - whether capitalism was ethical, efficient, or even Jewish; whether parts of foreign socialist manifestos could be reconciled with Yisraeli life; whether the monarchy was even still legitimate or relevant. This faction, usually the most left-wing in the party, wanted to defy every basic instinct in one of the most traditional societies in the western monarchy orbit. Kadurists took cues and policy inspiration from numerous Kiso Pact countries, especially North Ottonia, but nearby Messidor Union, and even faraway Walzenia. Closer to ideological home, less hardcore members of this clique took liberal left ideas from more liberal countries in and adjacent to the western monarchy world, such as Ghant, Arthurista, Sudmark, and Serkonos.

Meanwhile, establishment party insiders and more religious-grounded cliques, who have looked to Oren Saddi, the party's Knesset caucus leader and Masorti activist, and others in his orbit to regain their footing. The most conservative parts of the party by and large already bolted to the Alternative for Yisrael in late 2019, led by former Con-Lib rising star Reuven Goldschmidt - now Knesset Minority Leader and an influential power-broker to centrist voters. Saddi's faction has, instead, looked to liberal Zionist ideas percolating in native, Yisraeli left-leaning think tanks and policymakers. His clique wants to double down advocating on a bold new proposed royal reform act that would reign in King Hezekiah III's powers even more severely than the 1952 law, as well as implement a progressive income tax regime, legalize trade unions, create a new labor-friendly government agency, offer a oil branch to the Kiso world, and much more.

The party's 2020 electoral collapse simply re-sparked the Kadurist v. Saddist divide plaguing the party since the 2020 primaries. In late 2020 after the Onekawan Affair, the Kadurists tried to force controversial rules and policy changes through the Governing Council, the Con-Libs' internal congress. Months of intraparty warfare erupted. Vicious smears and name-calling abounded. In the last few weeks, both factions realized there was only one solution: a divorce.

Con-Libs' Successor Parties: Separate...At Least For Now

With the gaveling, the divorce was agreed upon and sealed. Weeks of negotiations were codified. Saddi's factions would form a new political party, simply called 'the National Liberals,' or 'Nat-Libs.' The far-left Kadurists voted to join the equally-frail Alliance of Greens, Seculars, and Workers. As part of the deal, the Kadurists and existing Alliance leadership would rename the Alliance to the 'Party of the Left.' The Con-Libs' financial assets and properties would be sold and divided using a convoluted process that would see more money flow to the National Liberals, a point not lost on the Kadurists.

However, neither side ruled out against allying in an electoral front with the other in the future. "While we need to separate due to irreconcilable disagreements, they and we are still parties of the [political] left. We will keep an open mind on working together - as needed - in the future," said Saddi. Kadurist and presumptive Party of the Left chief, the 29-year-old activist Eitan Hadav, concurred, "We wish our former political comrades good-bye for now. We each must fight for our [left-wing] principles...in our own way, but we always have the Right [and] Center to look as a common foe."

Among the sitting Con-Lib Knesset caucus, eight MKs would go with the Nat-Libs while 4 would join the Alliance's 1 MK to form the Party of the Left's caucus in the Knesset. The last MK, former Knesset leader Yaakov Luzzatto, defected to the Alternative for Yisrael, calling both new successor parties "too extreme" and "too left-wing." Both factions intend to submit the necessary papers to the Secretary of the Knesset in the following weeks to officially form their new parties' caucuses in the national legislature.

Binyomin Eisenberger reported from Yerushalayim, Yisrael. None of these organizations are associated with the RYD, and all opinions and personal views in the article do not reflect the viewpoints of the RYD or their employees.

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