Not sure if all the effect lines, especially the second, can stay.
Draft 2.4
[Title] Cranmer vs. Cranmer
[Validity] Has Courts. Adult.
[Description] Joan Cranmer -- a mother who walked out on her partner and son two years ago, voluntarily cutting off all contact until she recently petitioned for custody -- has just been awarded full custody of her son by the courts, with the judge stating "unless a mother beats her child, children are simply better off with their mother".
[option] "She abandoned @@RANDOMFIRSTNAMEMALE@@, and now she wants to play Mummy?" snaps Ed, Joan's former partner. "She doesn't even know him. I do. His favourite show is Adolescent Zombie Ninja @@PLURALANIMAL@@! When he's sick, he likes boysenberry juice with ice, through a curly straw! Mothers should know these things, but she went off to 'find herself'. I've done an amazing job with my son. He's settled and, thanks to my help, gets excellent grades in school. Don't let that woman tear him from his home. We need national guidelines stating child custody goes to the most fit parent, not just the one with the uterus. Fit parents don't dump their kid when they get bored."
[effect] parents seeking custody have to write five-thousand word psychological analyses of their child's imaginary friend
[option] "I was bored with Ed, not my son," insists Joan. "Ed is a very narcissistic man. It's always about him. He was stifling my soul; I couldn't even have friends. Now, I'm much better; I have my own career, and a lovely flat near one of the top five schools in the country. I can provide for my son materially and I can be there emotionally. All children need their mother, no matter what. I am grateful that Ed stepped into the breach in my absence but nothing can make up for a mother's love."
[effect] survivors of attempted maternal infanticide are sentenced to live with their mothers in prison
[option] "A mother merely does what any common cat does," remarks the proudly misogynist author of self-published mothering guide Stop Whining and Push. "Why does simple childbirth give women special custody rights? Mothers may feel attachment, but fathers provide moral and mental instruction. See how the boy's grades improved with his father's influence." He holds up a book report with 'Did your father write this?' at the bottom. "Clearly, fathers are the more fit parent and -- unless proven dangerous -- should gain child custody in separations."
[effect] unwilling fathers wish they had looked for a late-night pharmacy
[option] "Neither parent can give my little @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME_1@@-kins the stability and time he needs," asserts Ed's diminutive sister. "I love Ed, but he's a self-aggrandising ass and shouldn't have children, and dear Joan can't take care of a potted fern. The most suitable guardian should get custody, even if they're not a parent. Me, for instance. I can give my nephew a wonderful, stable home, with good schools nearby, and I'm around to care for him. Ed can visit; Joan, too, I guess. For the child's sake, custody cases must scour whole families for the best home: parent or not."
[effect] children are sent to live with third-cousins they've never met
[option] "Hi!" @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME_1@@ waves at you from the floor. "Why don't big people ever ask me what I want? I want to live with Mummy and Daddy again, in a candyfloss castle with a pet @@ANIMAL@@. But Mummy and Daddy say 'no'... because Daddy's a 'gnat-brained mule' and because Mummy's a 'satanic slattern from Hell'... I think that means they're not friends anymore. So, instead, I want to live with Mummy half the time and Daddy half the time. Then I can be with both of them. Plus, I'd get two bedrooms!"
[effect]pedal-powered removal vans are a popular Maxxmas gift for the children of separated parents
Comments welcome.