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by He Qixin » Fri Feb 09, 2018 3:05 pm
jacknjellify wrote:Watch Battle For Dream Island or be eliminated.
by Dolor Mortis » Sun Feb 11, 2018 5:32 pm
by Fauxia » Wed Feb 14, 2018 6:46 pm
by Dolor Mortis » Wed Feb 14, 2018 8:45 pm
Fauxia wrote:Get rid of the poll. Issue writing is not a democracy
by USS Monitor » Wed Feb 14, 2018 10:15 pm
by Dolor Mortis » Thu Feb 15, 2018 2:52 am
USS Monitor wrote:I don't really like the title.
by He Qixin » Mon Feb 19, 2018 12:13 am
jacknjellify wrote:Watch Battle For Dream Island or be eliminated.
by Dolor Mortis » Mon Feb 19, 2018 1:35 am
by He Qixin » Mon Feb 19, 2018 1:52 am
jacknjellify wrote:Watch Battle For Dream Island or be eliminated.
by He Qixin » Wed Feb 21, 2018 8:53 pm
Dolor Mortis wrote:Bump
jacknjellify wrote:Watch Battle For Dream Island or be eliminated.
by Jutsa » Wed Feb 21, 2018 9:17 pm
by Dolor Mortis » Wed Feb 21, 2018 10:13 pm
Jutsa wrote:Hmm...
"The Sounds of Prejudice"
"Trumpet the Sexism"
"Anthem of Inequality"
"The Musical Battle of the Sexes"
"Patriotic or Patriarchal?"
"Music of Man"
Just some thoughts.
by He Qixin » Thu Feb 22, 2018 9:25 pm
jacknjellify wrote:Watch Battle For Dream Island or be eliminated.
by Fauxia » Mon Feb 26, 2018 1:43 pm
by Jutsa » Mon Feb 26, 2018 1:47 pm
by Jutsa » Mon Feb 26, 2018 7:15 pm
Title*Ttitle: "Patriotic or Patriarchal?"
The Issue:I like this, but I didn't realize that this was a followup for specifically the first option of 633, so it might not hurt to have something else... if you can think of something else.Patriotic or Patriarchal?1) Idk if you should specify the time of this issue, or that it was a "sudden change" since you just installed your national anthem.Yesterday afternoon, a session of Parliament was concluded with the sudden change of several patriotic lines in the national anthem.
2) Not all nations have a parliament!This sentence can be taken out. Idk if it's necessary, but the editors don't particularly care for this kind of sentence,Following the ensuing outrage on Tweeter, several people have come and asked you to do something.
even though I have trouble not putting it in my drafts.
Option 1:1) Any reason why she's female?@@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, an old MP,
2) Not all nations have MP(I'm assuming you mean members of parliament) as not all nations have a parliament.She rages?she rages, and slams the bill on your desk.
I kinda think this might be better cut out... that being said, it is kinda funny.Here and everything after this... this seems very... odd."The slighted party has not made themselves known, and as such, we should repeal the bill."
Firstly, bill? If you just made the anthem, wouldn't it be better to say "change the lyrics"?
Also, I kinda thought this option would be more of a "lets definitely not try to accommodate everyone" option given how angry "she" is about people complaining about it.
And, really, how does this, at all, make it different from option 2?
... For that matter, why is the "slighted party" not made themselves known? That doesn't even make sense given your current description.
Overall, I think this needs a bit of work. Maybe this option could be to hunt down dissenters or change the lyrics to be even more offensive,
though that might make a better option 2, if you'd feel like changing 1 and 2 around. (FTR, narratively, I don't think this will be a problem at all.)I really don't understand what this has to do with the option. That said, I might be missing something.people who voice dissent with government policy must show up in person within 7 business days to make their case
Option 2:This really doesn't have to do with the option you choose before this - unless your blood-stained enemy was trans people.@@HE@@ wears a shirt reading "cissexism is real"."patriotic" to 'patriotic"Hey! Those "patriotic" lines spout racist and sexist rhetoric!
also, sexist? Again, I think you're missing what's on that option.
You may also want to mention how offensive it might be to your rival nations.pretty funny, but:when banners reading "@@DEMONYM@@ Awareness Day" are shown, nobody speaks in fear of listening to the extended and equally representative national anthem playing on loudspeakers
a) that day probably doesn't exist,
b) I doubt people actually would hate it that much,
c) no commas in an effect line, and
d) the effect line's too long.
Option 3:ok, uhm... what does this option have to do with the issue at hand?"Hey, I have a petition with over a thousand signatures,"
There are other options, like... oh,
one could be to make the lyrics more insulting (whereas option 1'd arrest those who really hate it or something),
or... you could also completely remove the national anthem because you'd "always insult someone otherwise" or something.
Actually, I quite fancy that idea - it'd be a good "crazy compromise" option.
As-is, though, I really feel like this option just doesn't fit this issue draft.
by Dolor Mortis » Mon Feb 26, 2018 8:00 pm
I figured that a nationalistic national anthem would be one that even the slightest gender bias would be harped on.Jutsa wrote:I think this could be an interesting issue... but, I have to admit that I think it could use a lot of work, if you're willing to go through this with me.
Now, I should note: Nothing I say is absolutely, 100% necessary. They are all suggestions on how I think this could be improved,
but you, as the writer, should pick what and what not to do. So... lets get to work, shall we?Title*Ttitle: "Patriotic or Patriarchal?"
Jk I'm being super pedantic here.
Real review's below, though.The Issue:
I like this, but I didn't realize that this was a followup for specifically the first option of 633, so it might not hurt to have something else... if you can think of something else.
1) Idk if you should specify the time of this issue, or that it was a "sudden change" since you just installed your national anthem.
2) Not all nations have a parliament!
This sentence can be taken out. Idk if it's necessary, but the editors don't particularly care for this kind of sentence,Following the ensuing outrage on Tweeter, several people have come and asked you to do something.
even though I have trouble not putting it in my drafts.Option 1:1) Any reason why she's female?@@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, an old MP,
2) Not all nations have MP(I'm assuming you mean members of parliament) as not all nations have a parliament.She rages?she rages, and slams the bill on your desk.
I kinda think this might be better cut out... that being said, it is kinda funny."The slighted party has not made themselves known, and as such, we should repeal the bill."When you choose the option, it says "legislation passed" and I assumed that to be a bill.Here and everything after this... this seems very... odd.
Firstly, bill? If you just made the anthem, wouldn't it be better to say "change the lyrics"?
Also, I kinda thought this option would be more of a "lets definitely not try to accommodate everyone" option given how angry "she" is about people complaining about it.
And, really, how does this, at all, make it different from option 2?
... For that matter, why is the "slighted party" not made themselves known? That doesn't even make sense given your current description.Overall, I think this needs a bit of work. Maybe this option could be to hunt down dissenters or change the lyrics to be even more offensive,
though that might make a better option 2, if you'd feel like changing 1 and 2 around. (FTR, narratively, I don't think this will be a problem at all.)
I really don't understand what this has to do with the option. That said, I might be missing something.
The slighted party never showed, so that means that if you want to complain, you have to complain within business days.Option 2:This really doesn't have to do with the option you choose before this - unless your blood-stained enemy was trans people.@@HE@@ wears a shirt reading "cissexism is real"."patriotic" to 'patriotic"Hey! Those "patriotic" lines spout racist and sexist rhetoric!
also, sexist? Again, I think you're missing what's on that option.
You may also want to mention how offensive it might be to your rival nations.pretty funny, but:when banners reading "@@DEMONYM@@ Awareness Day" are shown, nobody speaks in fear of listening to the extended and equally representative national anthem playing on loudspeakers
a) that day probably doesn't exist,
b) I doubt people actually would hate it that much,
c) no commas in an effect line, and
d) the effect line's too long.Option 3:ok, uhm... what does this option have to do with the issue at hand?"Hey, I have a petition with over a thousand signatures,"
There are other options, like... oh,
one could be to make the lyrics more insulting (whereas option 1'd arrest those who really hate it or something),
or... you could also completely remove the national anthem because you'd "always insult someone otherwise" or something.
Actually, I quite fancy that idea - it'd be a good "crazy compromise" option.
As-is, though, I really feel like this option just doesn't fit this issue draft.
I like that idea of repealing the national anthem ideaOk, so... mmmh, to summarize:
1) Lots of consistency errors and assumptions that need to be addressed
2) The premise probably should be changed a little (unless you want to keep it as is, but then I suggest making it so choosing any lyrical option from 633 would give you this),
3) Change the effect lines, and
4) Change what options 1 and 3 actually do.
Now, again, you may take/leave whatever you want from here, but without a fair bit of work, I don't really see this being in the game.
(That's not to say it wouldn't work, but I honestly think your chances aren't too high ATM)
Still, it's a very interesting issue premise - and that's really the thing that makes this an issue worth writing for. (see what I did there?) sorry...
Good luck, Dolor Mortis. Sorry for my not-so-optimistic review.
(And, uh, sorry if I misunderstood anything. If you have legitimate reasons for certain things, please do tell me and correct any assumptions I have made.)
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