No, I am not unretiring and coming back. I didn’t actually say goodbye to anyone when I left, just up and quit Discord and all other forms of social media, so I guess this will be my farewell.
This is my goodbye to NationStates and everyone in this game, and I am going to use it to pass a message to players, both male and female, who may be in the situation I was once in.
The issue I have spent the most time on in this game has nothing to do with the game itself. Most of you, or at least the ones who were around when I was, know this. Oh, it is tangentially related, as the case against harassment and abuse certainly involves the players, but it is not about game mechanics or anything related to onsite politics and happenings.
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When I first joined NationStates, as I have said before, I was a humble issue nation with aspirations to join a roleplaying region that my boyfriend at the time belonged to. I lingered for a few years, and read around. Eventually I discovered The East Pacific had a community and a forum, and my time in Gameplay began. One would think that it would be a nice entry, because TEP’s community is amazing and I love it so very much. I did enjoy it, enough to stick around. Unfortunately, that was not what I remember most about my entry into this game.
What do I remember most about my early days? I remember how I met the male player who changed my life in every bad way imaginable.
He was my General in EPSA, and I respected him immensely. I relied on him and trusted him above all others. What I did not know about him was that the first thing he noticed about me was my Skype picture. My General, and someone else later on, noticed that appearance first and it caught their interest in ways that had nothing to do with the game. At that time I had never experienced online harassment or any form of abusive behavior, and so when it started, I was totally unprepared for the experience.
It started off mild. First he added me on Facebook without asking or even my knowledge, and that alarmed me a little, but I thought it was harmless enough. Then a joke saw us NS engaged, which I thought was funny at the time and was not bothered. However, that relationship began to sour over time, because soon enough it became one of jealousy, professions of love, and controlling behavior on his part. At this point I became extremely uncomfortable, and after debate, ended it entirely. Later, I spoke to someone when his behavior was only becoming more controlling and antagonistic, and I learned that there was a word for that: harassment.
I cut ties with him on the advice of my Delegate and several friends. However, I felt intensely guilty that I had spoken up and he had lost his place in TEP. I wondered if I had been too hasty, if I was wrong. This eventually drove me back to talking with him, and that is really where the story begins to take a plunge into the darkness. Once the NS ties were cut, his interest changed entirely to RL.
I spent months on NS existing in a fugue of guilt, fear, unhappiness, intimidation, and anxiety. No-one noticed, because I had a happy face on and my cheerful Xoriet persona hid everything from everyone save the few associates who heard my moments of unhappiness. Our association and how it changed to one of emotional abuse, control, sexual harassment, and emotional blackmail isolated me from people in my life. I hid the worst of it from my NS friends. My family had no idea what was going on, but they noticed me withdrawing and hiding in my room, barely associating with anyone unless I had to.
I had people who would have supported me, but I couldn’t tell them. I felt indebted to him for getting him removed from EPSA and I felt guilty because the person making my life hell was someone I had considered a friend and I did not want to let go. Eventually I became dependent on him for happiness, and was even willing to ignore regular death threats just so that he would talk to me. I told myself they were a joke, even when I was told that he meant them. Why would I want to believe him? People aren't really like that. I believed that this was a phase, and that it would pass.
Though he went out of his way to make me unhappy, sometimes he would be uplifting enough that I had enough time and energy to hope things were changing. That never happened. It was a cycle of building me up and tearing me down for selfish purposes.
Isolated, afraid, dependent, and unable to take control of my own life, I continued to exist. I lost a nearly four year relationship with my boyfriend, whom I long thought I was going to marry one day. I had to drop out of school because I couldn’t focus. I was depressed and unstable and unable to be happy. I channeled everything I had into NS so that I had an escape, but even then he was here and it was not truly an escape, only something that gave me a sense of usefulness and happiness.
No matter what he said and no matter how vicious it was, I forgave him time and time again. Every time I forgave him, it got worse and worse.
I finally told people because the potential reality of the death threats finally began to sink in. They encouraged me to leave, and one night I managed to break off that contact. This lasted approximately two weeks, because we had planned to meet IRL before I cut him off. I made a resolve not to go, and people from my region helped me cut off contact even further. They encouraged me to tell the police, and I did. There was nothing they could do, but they had a file ready in case he did come. I couldn't fight the impulse on the day he flew in, because I was so unstable and dependent by this time that I lost against rational judgment. That happened, and to skip the details there, I forgave him again for all of it.
I kept that we had established contact again from even the people whom I had relied on because I knew they would not understand. Of course they wouldn't, because they were the ones who were right.
What I eventually learned was that he had not truly changed at all, the way I had believed when we began speaking again. He had changed his nature, and had lost some of his hold, but that was it. Now I had no patience with his attempts at emotional blackmail. What infuriated me was that he forgot it ever happened the way it did, despite the fact that he told me outright he had used fear and control to make sure I would be with him.
When at last I cut contact for good, I thought it was over. It wasn’t over, because the damage that left behind has not healed completely and I have not spoken to him in two and a half years. I am still in therapy trying to deal with what I went through. I lived in fear that one day he would come back and fulfill those threats he made so long ago. Sometimes I still wonder if that could happen.
Today I am still trying to convince myself it was not my fault. I try to tell myself I didn’t deserve it. I tell myself that no, I am not the one who made him that way. I still remember all of the threats, I remember that I was told I was lower than dirt, and I remember that he tried to break me. I finally broke away and was left a cynical, unhappy, shell of my former self. I struggle with the PTSD left behind, something that I would not have thought was possible to get online.
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I had great times on NationStates. I made many friends. I was happy sometimes. But it is not the game that followed me when I left.
It was my experiences at the hands of one player that have stayed with me.
When you meet someone who tries to treat you this way, do not just assume that they will change. You can’t change people like that. They will not change for you, you can’t change them, and you will destroy yourself in the attempt. I tried, and it will take me years to finish overcoming that part of my history.
Don’t do what I did, and stay quiet. It is not your fault, and you don't deserve it. Trust people and let them help you. Save yourself from lasting trauma, because that is entirely possible and even probable if it gets too deep. Don't let your life be damaged because of one person. Take care of yourself.
If you know of someone like this, help them. Be there for them. Even if you want to scream because they feel too guilty or attached to let go of an abusive friend/partner, don't give up. Had Sev given up on me, I might not be here right now.
Goodbye, guys. I enjoyed a lot of the time I spent with you, and I hope you're all well.
