The Infinites: And Beyond! (Comedy, Supers, Space, OPEN) -IC

by **Mirigli** » Mon Aug 21, 2017 9:27 pm

Cinderella paused to say the pledge with Captain Calc, getting choked up for a minute before clearing her throat.

Frightened by his commitment to bureaucracy and aware that Alma was raging at her to attack him and bring down the patriarchy, Cleo yelled, "Do you have the paperwork to fly a spaceship? DO YOU? I couldn't qualify for my driver's license the first thirteen times I took the exman, I mean, exam! The DSV is a million times the punisher! If you don't have the paperwork filed, you-" Cinderella took in a breath to explain the rigors of studying for the DSV's ridiculous test before realizing her ally Pill-OW! was getting pulled into the jaws of gaping doom. "Erfff, do I have to do everything myself?" she whined, unaware that she was only worsening the problem. She shoved Spasticus away before immediately feeling guilty, apologizing, and placing the bowl of mints Alma'd stolen from the convention earlier into his hands. "By the way, if anyone asks, you're still my leverage, understand?"

Alright, Alma, ready to live the dream?

Mah dream, their nightmaur, mucker!

Okay...? Cleo morphed back into Alma, who swung the tiki torch at the paperwork machine munching on Pill-OW!, screaming, "Jist coz th' fire marshal says it's arson doesnae pure techt he's reit! He coods hae bin blooter'd fur aw ye ken. Tak' thes, patriarchy!" Cleo had quickly discovered during her spree as a bartender that Alma was quite fond of fire (in a highly flammable area), which backfired -- quite literally.

Leaving the smoldering machine behind her and morphing back into Cleo midstep, Cinderella ran to Glitch. "Glitch, mate, Alma and I are awfully sorry that Jekyll pounced on you when we first met." Aam nae, Alma commented. Spick fur yerself. "Bureaucracy is already so dysfunctional, do you think you could glitch it to utterly slow to a stop?" As she asked, she had a sinking feeling that this was a bad idea.

by **Yatzatz** » Tue Aug 22, 2017 9:27 am

"I DO NOT LOOK LIKE A DOG!!!!" shouted Furman, still holding Spasticus' ear. He then, and only then, realized that Spasticus looked exactly like a human. He peered deep into the ear he was still holding, looking for parasitic aliens controlling Spasticus. He found nothing, let go, and wandered back into the tiki bar.

by **Whalestron** » Fri Aug 25, 2017 2:54 pm

Sarah Osborne

"Yeah, I'm still here. The college says I only need to be here a few more- hello? Emily?"

Sarah was sitting on a bench in the middle of a street in Orient. And it seemed that her friend, no, former friend, hung up on her. Then again, Emily was in the middle of a job that her own internship provided, which happened to be performing open heart surgery on a variety of people. Under doctor supervision, of course. For all Sarah knew, the phone fell inside the person. Typical. Greedy old women who steal from their husbands have to steal their deep conversations. Who cares if she's the president of France? Definitely not Sarah! In fact, she was going to write a letter!

Sarah stood up from the bench, expecting to touch ground. Instead, her foot landed on a shiny metal surface. At least, that's what it sounded like. How she could discern the sound of shiny metal from not-shiny metal, Sarah would never know. Nor did she know why she was surrounded by what looked like aliens. No, scratch that. Geeks.

And there were her geeks, fighting and stuff. The lengths fanboys would go to reenact scenes from their shows, she thought grimly. Sarah marched over to Glitch, who seemed to be talking to some weird girl. "Why are we at a comic convention?" She asked, a bored tone to her voice. It hadn't dawned on her that they weren't in a mall, but outer space. She'd probably never believe it if she was told, actually. It would be special effects, you know. Comic conventions often went all-out.

by **Zjaum** » Fri Aug 25, 2017 6:08 pm

Aubree "Goldilocks" Lincoln

Upon hearing the pledge, Aubree's heart swelled with pride. She quickly joined in. It was short, brief, and beautiful, at least when compared to the Jefferson Infinites' pledge. Ooh boy. She had to study for months to get admitted just because of that poem. Of course, by the time she could memorize the end part, she'd forgotten the first half...

When the stanza ended, she was in tears. Granted, she still thought they could be aliens; they could have probed her mind for the pledge, perhaps even the super-secret part with a combination lock and fingerprint identification where the pledge was stored right next to the list of previous childhood crushes and the time she wet herself on stage. That said, she refused to believe that any being in the Local Group could utter those words and not be good of heart. Perhaps they could get away with it in the Laniakea Supercluster, though...

She wiped away her tears. "That... that..."

Henry "Blimp Man" Hinshaw

"...was absolute gosh!" Henry exclaimed.

Having been disappointingly and frustratingly (and, quite literally) set back, Henry was not in the best of moods. Not even the ironic enjoyment of listening to such a weak attempt at a pledge, though enough to put a smile on his face, could lift his spirits. He shouted back at the mumble-jumble, specifically Aubree. "What would Maid Maidu say?! She spent long, hard minutes working on the poetry!" Of course, one of Maid Maidu's many machinations was writing at faster than the speed of sound, but still! Aubree should have respect for her past!

He stood at attention, angry yet proud. "Let me show you Minnesota Infinites how a GOOD pledge is written and recited!" He'd start at the Placer County stanza; no use keeping them here all week, after all. "As a Jefferson Infinite, I seek to defend all Jefferson! Among the counties Whose peace I shall maintain is prosperous Placer County! Although only considered Jeffersonian by some accounts, it serves as inspiration to all Jefferson! Since the dawn of Industrial civilization, Placer County has..."

by **Talchyon** » Sat Aug 26, 2017 11:27 am

The Tiki-Bar Battle Scene on the alien rickshaw ship
Glitch

So like, the girl who like makes coffee and like checks our mail was bored of this. As if you could be bored of being in space. Dude. But she thought we were like in San Diego and watching the Infinites groups that other people think are more of Infinites do their shebang. And I was like, "No way, babe. We're not watching the other Infinites take each other on head to head (or head to heads, in the case of that really weird Texas Infinites guy who had like three of them). Huh uh. We are, am, is and be on the alien spaceship, the Chinese rickshaw thingy. And like, we're supposed to go and fight for the planet or something. I don't really know what it has to do with that radiation stuff from before, but it's like here we are now."

So there I was, completely not spacing off like some people think I normally do, but fully aware during that ten percent of the time that I was aware of things. Dude. So like I said. Emphasis on the word "completely". Yeah, I was spacing off some. But not the full shebang, dude.

See, it all happened because I was like thinking of what happens when you eat an onion sandwich with heavy garlic and horseradish sauce with some spicy Italian sausage thrown in? And then you get like this kind of gnarly sort of breath that freezes animals in their tracks but makes for some quick turn-downs when you ask the ladies out. And so, while I want to freeze the animals in their tracks by my foul and noxious breath, dude, I also want to have a second date in my life. So like, there I was, just contemplating the deeper thoughts of this world, like how can you get fresh breath efficiently, but like with the least amount of effort that you have to put in to do it? 'Cause like, while 9 out of 10 dentists want you to brush your teeth, dude, sometimes I think that 10th dentist was on to something. 'Cause like brushing is just so melodramatic, yuh know? Like, you're just moving like the toothbrush back and forth, and up and down, and in circles and in half-circles, just 'cause you don't want ginger-ale-itis and plaques on your wall, yuh know, like, some kind of trophy for showing up or something. Anyway, that's too much work. And I like to spend the least amount of effort to get the most amount of benefit and reward back, yuh know? Dude. Then there's like the other tried and true method, gargling with mouthwash. But gargling is kind of funny. You're expected to make weird noises and spit stuff. And I'm generally ok with making weird noises and spitting stuff. But there was that one time that I didn't spit. I just downed it an' all, and let me tell you something. If you're innards and guts don't feel that minty-fresh-tingling feeling, you're not alive, dude. That was one method of breath control, but it is kind of some work to go back to your house and get your mouthwash out, and then put it back, and then come back to where you were? 'Cause like, dude. I don't carry mouthwash around with me. Not like my friend Hunter. Then, like you could carry around mints and just try to eat them an' all. But I don't think they work as well to combat the noxious fumes of onion, garlic, horseradish and spicy Italian sausage. Yuh know? So, I was thinking that the best way to get fresh breath after eating one of those like specialty sandwiches, was to just your face away from the person when you're talkin', so they never get the chance to sniff what you've been munchin'. And you don't have to put that much effort into it, either. It just might work.

But I digress. So like, the Scottish granny who can like change into a moody girl came and suggested a plan. Why not just make all three of these chomper things go on the fritz, 'cause like they're from Paper Pusher Guy who's always into like order and forms and that kind of stuff that I just kind of ignore. And I had no idea why she was speaking of beer-ocracy and how slow and inefficient it goes, other than like maybe I guessed when she wasn't paying attention, she like went to the tiki bar and tried their version of Pabst Black and Tan Ribbon or something. And I didn't really care about that, but I did think she was onto something with making Paper Pusher Guy's powers go on the fritz!

So I said, "That sounds like a plan, Granny-Girl-Babe. I can try to make these chompers go on the fritz an' all. This burning one right here that's like eating our friend, I'll just make it like suck. I'll put it under the ban. She will never know what hit her. That is, if she and her are a she and her, and not a he and him, or an it and it. But I'll get right to it."

And I tried. And I tried. But nothing happened. So I said, "Babe, I think I'm on the fritz myself right now..."

The Teetotaler

The elderly Infinite with the monacle was in shock when the giant bureaucratic notary seals came chomping up to Pill-OW to try to emboss him to death! And while he was thankful that the seal had caught fire due to the heroic actions of Alma, yet it was still coming for his fellow Infinite! So the Teetotaler took out his thermos and unscrewed the lid. Using his tea manipulation abilities, he channeled it through the air to become a brace, wedged between the chompers' chompers. And it kind of worked. The tea brace kept the one notary seal from putting the fatal seal of approval on Pill-OW's leg! But he couldn't hold it for long.

Calling out, the Teetotaler said, "I say. Fellow Infinites! We need to work together! I can't hold it for long. Maybe, is there a reason why notaries won't use their seal and emboss forms?"

by **The Last Abode of Pando** » Sun Aug 27, 2017 1:35 pm

Ed and Aesculapius

After remaining motionless for what seemed like seventeen days, but was really a couple minutes, the twins turned around to see the notary seal charging at them at the speed of bureaucracy.

"Oh no! A notary seal, definitely not a notary walrus," spake the one twin.

"A walrus? Ed, that's a notary seal, not a walrus," said Aesculapius.

Aesculapius decided to draw his sword in self-defense, because his power always seemed to be random, and Ed's was useless. Meanwhile, Ed had been busy folding and launching three new paper airplanes. As usual, they came to life; the paper airplanes came to life, not the twins. The twins were already alive, probably, depending on how you define life.
If you defined life the same way that everyone else does, then they would be living. But if you defined life in such a way that only nacho cheese and David Suchet were living, they would not be alive, seeing as they are not nacho cheese or David Suchet.

While they were focused on the notary seal advancing, other things were happening around the room. The happening things were akin to everyone in the room suddenly wearing kilts. Even Steve, Florida Man's iguana, and all three of the notary seals. All the leg regions were covered by Scottish plaid garments.

Steve

After remaining motionless for what seemed like seventeen days, but was really a couple minutes, Steve turned around, and was still in the air, providing light to the tiki room. It was safe from the notary seals, but couldn't help anyone, except with directions of where to run, because it couldn't touch items.

"Hey. You down there. Yeah. Um. Furman. Why are you wearing a kilt?" Steve called down to the floor. Steve then looked around and saw that everyone else was wearing kilts also. Even the seals and the iguana.

"Wait. Does that mean...?"

Yes. Yes it did mean that. Steve also was somehow wearing a kilt.

Florida Man
David Adams

After remaining motionless for what seemed like seventeen days, but was really a couple minutes, Florida Man finally reacted to everything that had happened in rapid succession. He made various faces ranging from this

to this

to this.

After all that reacting, he had nothing to say, at least, that's what he thought. Apparently, he was wearing a kilt, holding an iguana wearing a kilt.

Joshua James
No Longer Florida Man

After remaining motionless for what seemed like seventeen days, but was really a couple minutes, Joshua realized that he was going to be one of Earth's champions, but without his powers. He headed off in the direction of where the new Florida Man and Spasticus the Snarler were standing, unaware that he had just grown a kilt.

by **The Irish County of the Beare-Mor** » Mon Aug 28, 2017 7:14 am

Mikael

Mikael was still there, but he was uncertain for his further course of action.

Yes, the seals were there, yes they were on a spaceship, but what was it he could do? Of course, only one thing came to mind.

To shoot more kittens

So, standing there, eyes taking in some of the details of the room he was in, he lifted his Kitten Cannon, and raised it not high, but about halfway between eye level and the floor, and pressed the trigger. But the gun didn't shoot one cat, it didn't shoot two cats, indeed it shot no cats.

Quite frankly because Mikael pushed the wrong button and the gun started flashing different colors. So, he pushed the other button and still no cats came out, this just caused the gun to make beeping and whirring noises.

Eventually he managed to push the right trigger, and one kitten seemed to flop out of the end of the cannon.

"Perfect." he said with a smile. Then he realized he was wearing a kilt as well as everyone else.

So, his reaction to this was to pretty much just shoot more kittens.

by **Zanera** » Mon Aug 28, 2017 1:35 pm

Pill-OW!
Tiki Ride to Notary Seal Town

What with the help of the Teatotaler and his tea and somehow the Scottish grandma with Steve, Pill-OW! received his inspiration. Using the help of Teatotaler's tea brace, he escaped the Evil Jaws of Death, and he got up, conjuring another pillow. He called to the Scottish grandma person to help him beat down the seal with a pillow and a stick, then called to Steve "Hi, Steve." and he asked for Steve's help. He would bedazzle the seal while it got beat up. Pill-OW! didn't look directly up at Steve though. He was wearing a kilt, and after all, Pill-OW! wasn't that kind of guy, even if Steve was just photons in the sky or whatever.

by **Yatzatz** » Tue Aug 29, 2017 9:26 am

The Last Abode of Pando wrote:"Hey. You down there. Yeah. Um. Furman. Why are you wearing a kilt?" Steve called down to the floor.

"Wait, what? Oh, this thing is a kilt? You mean that Scottish kind of skirt? Well, it's really uncomfortable against my fur." Furman started taking it off, but got stuck. How did you take off a kilt? If only there was someone Scottish arou-
No.
Nononononono.
NOT HER.
The kilt rubbed uncomfortably against his fur. He gave in.
He walked to to Scottish Granny, to find she was a normal teenage girl. Oh well. "Hey, miss Teenaged Alter Ego of Psycho Scotswoman. Do you know how to take off a kilt?"

by **Talchyon** » Sun Sep 03, 2017 8:29 pm

The tiki bar on the alien rickshaw spaceship
Doc Bur-Ock

The bureaucratically themed supervillain frowned at the kittens shot by Mikhael ("Unapproved! No pets on board ships," he thought), scoffed at the faces made by David Adams the new Florida Man ("Did you get permission and fill out the right paperwork to make those faces? Aren't they under copyright?", he thought) and positively fumed at the fact that he was now wearing a kilt. And so was everyone and everything else. Even the three giant notary seals that had previously been mistaken for walruses. "Kilts?! KILTS?! You stupid Infinite! Don't you realize I have a contract that forbids me from wearing anything Scottish?! Your kilts are not approved, and neither are you! Neither are ANY of you! Dolts!"

However, once Doc Bur-Ock screamed out that none of the heroes were approved, something bizarrely-strange and oddly peculiar (not to mention, abnormally unusual and incongruously anomalous) happened. The three giant notary seals (not walruses) stopped advancing at the speed of bureaucracy, and just stood still in heaps. The Teetotaler, sensing that his tea-brace was no longer needed, cautiously let the brace turn back into lukewarm tea which turned into a puddle, and then floated in the air back into his thermos. The notary seal didn't budge. It was as useful as a bunch of scrap - only, scrap that you couldn't sell or turn into anything. They just took up space, and no longer threatened the heroes.

Doc Bur-Ock screamed! The Teetotaler smiled, because he understood what happened. He said, "Cheerio, my good chaps. Since none of us are approved, we can't be notarized. The seals won't notarize anything that's not approved. Which is all of us. So, they're just a pile of rubbish now and useful for nothing. Which means, we win." Then, looking down at his kilt, stopped smiling and said, "Oh, bother. Out of all the things you could have an Englishman wear, you made it be something from the Scots?" (At which, Coathangerman said, "You're from North Dakota, Steve. You've never lived in England a day in your life")

Spasticus the Snarler

Since everything had relatively calmed down - as calm as things can get with dozens of mewing kittens pawing each other underfoot, piles of giant bureaucratic junk, a dripping iguana still too close to him, and everything and everyone wearing kilts with at least one hero desperately trying to get it off and it not working, Spasticus nodded his head. The Earthians would definitely have their work cut out for them in the intergalactic arena, judging by how they handled their first conflict in space. Oh well. That's who the randomizer chose out of everyone else on Earth.

Now, he spoke and addressed everyone, his nasal voice reverberating off of the walls. "Friends. How would you like a tour of my ship, the Squelch? I'll show you around. Oh yes, and you can even meet some of the crew and some of the other alien species who will be fighting in the intergalactic arena..."

by **Zanera** » Sun Sep 03, 2017 8:40 pm

Talchyon wrote:The tiki bar on the alien rickshaw spaceship
Doc Bur-Ock

The bureaucratically themed supervillain frowned at the kittens shot by Mikhael ("Unapproved! No pets on board ships," he thought), scoffed at the faces made by David Adams the new Florida Man ("Did you get permission and fill out the right paperwork to make those faces? Aren't they under copyright?", he thought) and positively fumed at the fact that he was now wearing a kilt. And so was everyone and everything else. Even the three giant notary seals that had previously been mistaken for walruses. "Kilts?! KILTS?! You stupid Infinite! Don't you realize I have a contract that forbids me from wearing anything Scottish?! Your kilts are not approved, and neither are you! Neither are ANY of you! Dolts!"

However, once Doc Bur-Ock screamed out that none of the heroes were approved, something bizarrely-strange and oddly peculiar (not to mention, abnormally unusual and incongruously anomalous) happened. The three giant notary seals (not walruses) stopped advancing at the speed of bureaucracy, and just stood still in heaps. The Teetotaler, sensing that his tea-brace was no longer needed, cautiously let the brace turn back into lukewarm tea which turned into a puddle, and then floated in the air back into his thermos. The notary seal didn't budge. It was as useful as a bunch of scrap - only, scrap that you couldn't sell or turn into anything. They just took up space, and no longer threatened the heroes.

Doc Bur-Ock screamed! The Teetotaler smiled, because he understood what happened. He said, "Cheerio, my good chaps. Since none of us are approved, we can't be notarized. The seals won't notarize anything that's not approved. Which is all of us. So, they're just a pile of rubbish now and useful for nothing. Which means, we win." Then, looking down at his kilt, stopped smiling and said, "Oh, bother. Out of all the things you could have an Englishman wear, you made it be something from the Scots?" (At which, Coathangerman said, "You're from North Dakota, Steve. You've never lived in England a day in your life")

Spasticus the Snarler

Since everything had relatively calmed down - as calm as things can get with dozens of mewing kittens pawing each other underfoot, piles of giant bureaucratic junk, a dripping iguana still too close to him, and everything and everyone wearing kilts with at least one hero desperately trying to get it off and it not working, Spasticus nodded his head. The Earthians would definitely have their work cut out for them in the intergalactic arena, judging by how they handled their first conflict in space. Oh well. That's who the randomizer chose out of everyone else on Earth.

Now, he spoke and addressed everyone, his nasal voice reverberating off of the walls. "Friends. How would you like a tour of my ship, the Squelch? I'll show you around. Oh yes, and you can even meet some of the crew and some of the other alien species who will be fighting in the intergalactic arena..."

Pill-OW! was immediately sent back to his childhood. He remembered when he had found an injured frog in the woods near a pond. He got a stick and started poking it. It inflated its chin and lashed its tongue out at him, although it missed and caught a fly. Pill-OW! had been very amazed at this show of frog talent, and he let it go off towards the pond. Later, as payback, Pill-OW! broke his leg in the woods and as he was sitting there crying, a frog came up and bit him where his leg was broken. It was the same frog from before. This inspired him.

"Can I poke the other species with a stick?"

by **Talchyon** » Mon Sep 04, 2017 5:35 am

The Tiki Bar on the Rickshaw Ship
Spasticus the Snarler

Zanera wrote:
Pill-OW! was immediately sent back to his childhood. He remembered when he had found an injured frog in the woods near a pond. He got a stick and started poking it. It inflated its chin and lashed its tongue out at him, although it missed and caught a fly. Pill-OW! had been very amazed at this show of frog talent, and he let it go off towards the pond. Later, as payback, Pill-OW! broke his leg in the woods and as he was sitting there crying, a frog came up and bit him where his leg was broken. It was the same frog from before. This inspired him.

"Can I poke the other species with a stick?"

Looking at the Infinite with the deathwish, Spasticus simply shrugged and said, "Sure. Why not. It's your life."

Then he started tapping his foot and waiting for others to ~~comply~~ ~~obey~~agree to see the ship.

Coathangerman

Hearing the chance to leave this boring tiki bar, Coathangerman leaned up against the counter at the bar and said, "Sure. Why not. Beats getting chomped to death here."

by **Whalestron** » Wed Sep 06, 2017 8:28 am

Snarky Intern

Sarah pried her eyes away from the exotic costumes to the ones headed to check out the ship. "Oh, neat. This place really went all-out." She said. Though it wasn't exactly her favorite thing to do, head to conventions, she found it interesting. It wasn't every day you got to see some fancy replica of a spaceship in Sun Hike. At least, that's what she thought it was from. "How long are we staying here? I mean, I might've left my oven on at my apartment.."

by **Zjaum** » Fri Sep 08, 2017 8:30 am

"Oh, bother. Out of all the things you could have an Englishman wear, you made it be something from the Scots?", said the Teetotaler.

Henry "Blimp Man" Hinshaw

"Actually," replied Blimp Man, in a matter-of-fact tone, having only just finished stanza three of the second half (he'll get back to it later), "the modern kilt design was invented by an Englishman, and only accepted into Scottish Lowlander culture (which wasn't particularly known for its kilts) after a mass cultural shift." Not that he knew that off the top of his head, of course. He figured that, if he was going to be stuck here, he might as well invest in the ship's wifi. It was only a one-day package though; on his salary, he couldn't exactly afford much. He figured that he might as well research the new form of apparel that had attached itself to him.

With that, he attempted to turn off his fan. In an open environment, this would be easy, but in such a claustrophobic space, Blimp Man had to turn off his fan without bumping into anyone. This would prove to be quite the difficult task. Spasticus was just standing there in his way, so Henry couldn't kick his legs up to turn his fan off the usual way. The kilt made it a double no-no. Instead, Henry turned around, reaching with his arms towards the fan's off switch like a dog chasing its tail. That said, dogs usually didn't have a bunch of strings attached to a balloon tied to its shoulder pads (of course, most dogs don't have shoulder pads, but one gets the point). The cords somehow started to wrap around him as the balloon deflated, entangling him in the newly-made webwork. Henry felt poetically foiled by machinations of his own design yet strangely patriotic. His back (and thus his fan) was turned towards the Infinites.

Aubree "Goldilocks" Lincoln

Aubree snapped out of her surge of pride and emotions once a kitten landed on the ground next to her. Not that she was that much of a cat person; she was more of a fish person (besides, she was allergic to adorableness (shout out if you get the reference (we appreciate your viewership))). It's just that it's not everyday you see a cat (well, a lot of humans do see a cat roughly everyday, just not Aubree). She violently sneezed once, forcing her to look down and sending the uncontrolled mucus, in combination with Blimp Man's fan, onto Furman's fur. After apologizing meekly, she realized something else. Her pants had been replaced by some sort of alien garb. The breeze sent by the Henry's fan passed through the kilt and raised questions of whether she was wearing anything underneath. She was hesitant to check, since, well, everyone would know along with her. She paused and looked nervously around. Apparently everyone else was wearing one. Well, she guessed, it was just like imagining everyone else in their underwear; it's not a social faux pas if everyone else is doing it! Hoorah for peer pressure!

Then the alien spoke up, surprisingly louder than the fan. "Friends. How would you like a tour of my ship, the Squelch? I'll show you around. Oh yes, and you can even meet some of the crew and some of the other alien species who will be fighting in the intergalactic arena..."

Aubree was indifferent, honestly. The last time she went on a cruise, she was fine staying in her cabin for most of the trip. She was apathetic to the cruise, too, but that was a different story. That said, she did want to have something else distract from the fact that... well... "Sure, I'll go!" she blurted out.

Henry "Blimp Man" Hinshaw

Henry was furious. Of course he would like to! He was just trying to move to another room, but Spasticus wouldn't let him! Granted, it was for different reasons, but still- wait, did he say intergalactic arena?

Never one to hide his feelings, he stated, "Of course I would like to! I was just trying to move to another room, but you wouldn't let me! Granted, it was for different reasons, but still- wait, did you say intergalactic arena?"

by **Talchyon** » Sat Sep 09, 2017 9:10 am

The alien rickshaw ship's tiki bar
Spasticus the Snarler

The short, bald, bespectacled alien with the humongo size rear end now wearing a kilt heard the general chatter of acceptance to take his offer and explore the ship. The guy with the deathwish who wants to poke their alien competitors with sticks, the tall golden girl who looked like she was embarrassed at what might or might not be currently worn beneath her kilt, and the rather powerful-looking individual with the coathangers. That's three, and that's enough. Oh, and the normal looking girl.
Nodding, his face was rather neutral, as if he had done this a thousand times. Which, he probably has. This might be time #492,738.4.

Hearing every word and being able to speak every word above Blimp Man's fan and his excessive recitation of the Jeffersonian pledge, Spasticus turned to the normal looking human, who just said she left her oven on. She wanted to know how long this deal was going to take. "Oh. Oh yes. Well, we're several hundred billion light years away right now, so... it should be some amount of time that I don't have the exact amount for. Something like that. Soon. Probably. It could take four hundred shakes. Maybe even less, if the stars are aligned right. And the moons. You need the right alignment of the moon. Night time comes, and maybe we'll get there by then. It will be soon. Soon-ish, anyway."

Spasticus was rather amused by how Blimp Man wrapped himself up in his own cords. "You know, if you are unable to walk, I'm sure we can drag you there... But wait. I wouldn't let you go for your own good. You don't know this ship. You'd get lost. Or you might wander into some restricted area that you're not supposed to go. You know, like where I keep all the alien treasures I've collected over my life, or where the secret contraband that I'm trying to bring into the South Central Quadrant... Oh wait. Forget that I mentioned treasures or secret contraband. I was... joking. Yeah, right. I was telling a joke. Ha ha. Moving on." Ignoring what Blimp Man said about the alien intergalactic arena that they were going to have to fight for their lives and the freedom of their planet, Spasticus led the group out into the hallway. Everyone either eagerly, grudgingly, or in the case of Glitch, cluelessly followed.

"That reminds me." Looking at the hallway where the conveyor belts on the floor and ceiling were still going, Spasticus took out his handy-dandy remote control and pressed a button, and the conveyor belts stopped. Then, looking both ways, he walked. In the same direction that Blimp Man had earlier tried to go and been denied.

"This is the hallway. Blah blah blah. It's a hallway."

Walking quickly, he took a left, then three rights, and then another left. Which he could have saved the hassle by just taking a right, but he thought some of the villains and heroes could use some extra exercise. Coming up to a force fielded area, he got out his remote and pressed another button, and the field dropped.

"Ok guys, listen up. We're about to meet some of the other alien races that are also traveling to fight for their world's freedom in the intergalactic arena. So just keep your hands to yourself, stay with me, and don't try anything cute." Hopefully they got the message.

As they cautiously entered in, well, as cautious as a bunch of overconfident narcissists can be, they came across a weird creature. About 5 feet tall, with green glowing eyes that ended in a mouth of what looked like limp cooked spaghetti noodles, his head like an egg, and holding what looked like a glowing large orb shaped like a giant brussels sprout in his hand connected to a tube of some gelatinous goo. Looking curiously at the newcomers, he held out his brussels sprout orb, and it glowed brighter. They could hear in their heads, "Wow. What corner of the universe did you drag these guys out of, Spasticus?"

Spasticus said, "Ok. Everyone, meet Hollandaise. He is from the proud alien race, the F'Ood. The F'Ood are known throughout the galaxy for their ability to speak to minds. Mostly it's just annoying crock pot recipes, so you can pretty much ignore him most of the time."

Another alien came up, this time with ears that were pointy on the bottom. He held up his hand in what looked like a surfer trying to hang ten. Spasticus looked bored and said, "This is Spork. He's from the alien race, the Vulcan'ts. The Vulcan'ts are an ancient people, and sorry to say, but I'm not going to interpret the gesture he just showed you because it's really rude. Moving on.

A third alien came up. This one was tall, muscular, and had a projected , indented cranium indicating a strange bone framework beneath. Spasticus said, "Allow me to introduce Morph. As a member of the alien species the Klingoffs, Morph is a proud warrior using the cultural weapon of the Klingoffs, the peashooter." At this, the alien displayed his peashooter proudly. The other aliens all gasped because the sight was so awesome. Doc Bur-Ock and Diet Cola simply scoffed.

Finally, one last alien creature came up. A short little alien, less than a foot tall, with a dark brown smooth coating over a round circular body, with legs and feet, but no face. Spasticus said, "Oh yes. Can't forget him. He looks small, but he carries a big punch. This is Crunchbacca, the Cookie. We call him 'Crunchy.' Cookies are fierce. They can rip your arms off. So be nice to him." Unfortunately, Glitch didn't hear him. He was kind of tuning it all out. Having seen aliens before - and what's worse, Oakland Raiders fans, Glitch simply saw the alien creature the Cookie, as if it were just an ordinary, large chocolate covered cookie with arms and legs. Which it kind of was. Glitch reached down, put the alien into his mouth, and ate him. Took him several bites, but man, it was tasty. Mmm. Crunchy. Literally. Spasticus yelled out, "What did you do? You just ate Crunchbacca, the Cookie!" Glitch just said, "He was like, alive, an' all? Whoa. Didn't capture that one. Like, I was having a major case of the munchies, and here was this chocolate covered snack that was just calling my name. In like, some really high pitch frequency that only I could hear. Dude. Like, sorry."

Not able to believe what he had just seen, and shaking his head at the situation, Spasticus then pointed the heroes and villains to a gigantic cage. Inside, was a giant statue made of rock. Jagged edges, no face, no mind, nothing but 40 ft. tall of rock. Spasticus said, "Yeah. I can't let him out. Guy would destroy the ship. He's a Rock Monster. That's what this alien race is called. They've destroyed worlds. Not simply by smashing them, but by hitting things so hard it goes nuclear. We're talking cells erupting kind of things. I've never seen one lose a fight at all. Immune to all kinds of fire, ice, and mental abilities. That's because he has no mind. Just a drone, a mindless warrior. Yeah, these Rock Monsters are nuts. I don't like carrying him on my ship. Too dangerous. But a job's a job."

by **Barapam** » Mon Sep 18, 2017 3:09 am

Irina Borisova was born in Moscow in 1943, during the middle of the Great Patriotic War. The tide of the war had finally turned against the Fascist German invaders, and Irina's father was one of the many brave men of the Red Army who hunted them out of the Motherland. Before the war, he had been a factory worker, and Irina's mother was a seamstress. Both of them were originally of peasant background, and had moved to Moscow after the revolution to find work. Neither of them had been very politically active back then, but that changed with the war, and when it was over, both of Irina's parents were members of the Communist Party.

She was ten years old when Stalin died, and she reacted with plenty of tears. Her parents had always talked about what a great man he was, and Irina was too young to realize all the bad things he had done.

As she grew up, she became a dedicated student. She was active in the Communist youth organizations, and took a great interest in aviation. With a background like that, it was in retrospect perhaps not too surprising that she later was chosen to participate in the Soviet space programme. It was during the height of the space race, and the Soviets were leading it. Soon, they would land the first person on the moon too. That person was Irina.

Or, that was the idea at least. Unfortunately, her space capsule suffered heavy technical difficulties, and she went waaay off course after the launch. Maybe it was because there also had been another passenger present, a radioactive tardigrade, that somehow had gotten into the systems? A guy from Chernobyl, where they had built a nuclear power plant recently, had been inspecting the capsule earlier, and the super teeny-tiny creature had fallen from his uniform and ended up inside. Or maybe there was another problem. Space journeys aren't the safest thing to do, after all.

Anyhow, the little tardigrade still had an important role to play. Once the capsule had drifted oh so very far away, the cosmonaut inside became unconscious. That's when it happened. The tardigrade accidently nibbed at Irina just a little, and at the same time, a ray of some kind of cosmic radiation hit the capsule. Those two things combined initated a process inside Irina's body. No, it didn't cause her to wake up, or become an extremely powerful space marine. It didn't even made her a "New Soviet Woman" or gave her a bigger rack. It merely gave her the ability to survive being frozen in space for extremely long time. Which was still good, no need to complain... Because it got colder. Quickly.

And so it went on, a human popsicle trapped in the limited space of a space capsule, which in turn was trapped in the unlimited space of... well, space, until decades later, when the "Kaputnik" docked with an alien space ship formed like a rickshaw. Out of coincidence, that happened just a couple of weeks before the Minnesota Infinites and their villan acquaintances borded the same ship. But instead of being offered to participate in some kind of "Intergalactical Gladiators", she was thawed by the aliens only to be made their slave. Now, day after day, she had to clean everything on the ship. Yes, everything. Her only breaks were for eating and sleeping, no leisure time, no pay. She was shackled even, with a chain by the ankle that had that big kind of iron ball, you know. I mean the chain had it, not her ankle. The iron ball, that is. You'd think an advanced alien race would have something more modern to prevent escapes, like at least an electric collar, but evidently not.

To degrade her even further, the aliens had made her wear a "sexy maid" outfit. But she actually didn't mind that, because what the aliens saw as sexy, was something humans saw as practical. She had been given good shoes, work trousers with knee pads, a grey t-shirt, a denim jacket, and a red headscarf with white dots. It made her pretty much resemble the girl from the iconic "We can do it"-poster. And while her ball and chain was very primitive, the fabric the clothes were made of was very high-tech and never got dirty. It was perfect in case you were a superhero in a comic book, a single guy, or a Soviet cosmonaut enslaved by aliens.

At the moment, Irina was mopping the floors in the corridors and longinly humming "Back in the USSR". She heard Spasticus speak behind her, and since she was a little curious about with who, she turned around to see. To say that she was surprised by the sight would be an understatement. She stopped mopping, and just stared.

"Lyudi!?"* she asked out loudly.

(* = "People!?")

by **Zanera** » Mon Sep 18, 2017 4:27 pm

Pill-OW!
Getting Kinda Bored on the Spaceship of Doom

Pill-OW! was suddenly in the cockpit of an Q-Wing. The entire fate of the galaxy rested on him shooting a torpedo into the Daft Nebula. Everyone else was going down, the superduperweapon was getting ready to fire, and now Darf Vedder was bearing down upon him. Then Blarney the Orange Dinosaur came in the Century Hawk, shooting down Darf Vedder as lasers shook Pill-OW!'s Q-Wing. Pill-OW! used the Forks to shoot his torpedo into the Daft Nebula, but then a random FLY fighter shot down his torpedo, then shot down Pill-OW!. His concentration had been broken by his alarm clock.

Pill-OW! was now thinking of childhood dreams since he was pretty bored, even on a tour showing off alien species that Man hadn't even known that existed whenever ago. All he wanted was a stick.

by **The Irish County of the Beare-Mor** » Mon Sep 18, 2017 7:30 pm

Mikael, well, he wasn't interest in the ship at all. Not one bit. Sure he saw the ship, but if he was interested in aliens, he would've watched some of the sci-fi tv shows that pop on television every now and again. Mostly, he was dissapointed. There were no alien cats. Nope, just some weird looking guys, a dead cookie, and some sort of statue. But Mikael brought his own kitten cannon. Which he was glad of, because there were no alien kittens.

Then, suddenly, his cannon began making a whirring noise. Mikael looked at his cannon, a little confused, and began to take parts of it off. A few metal plates, some balls of yarn, some books, and a cpu, and also a small bottle container of paper clips. All this he took off the cannon, and threw behind him. Maybe hitting somebody. He wasn't paying attention.

Suddenly, a look of realization came across Mikael's face. "We're more than 40 light years away from Earth aren't we? I think I remember you saying something like that." Mikael shook his head, and flipped a switch that said "Do not touch" is big, shiny, pink letters. "There we go."

Mikael then put the cannon away, without replacing any of the parts he threw off and looked around. He also shot his cannon. As there were no alien kittens.

Mikael was so sorely tempted to shoot kittens at the other aliens, but he chose not to.

by **Barapam** » Wed Sep 20, 2017 11:33 am

To her surprise, the other humans didn't seem to react to Irina's presence at all. She knew that Spasticus wouldn't, since she simply was a slave, but it perplexed her that the visiting Earthlings were so disinterested in everything around them. One was daydreaming, another one was destroying a box of something he'd carried, for seemingly no reason... Weird. Really weird.

But it then occured to the Russian spacewoman that she could turn that to her favour. None of them would likely notice or object if she simply went with them, and then she'd sooner or later finally be out of here! So she hoisted up the iron ball at the end of the chain locked to her foot, and just as stealthily, but definitely not as silently, as a wolverine hunting on the tundra, Irina made her way to the back of the group, leaving the mop and water bucket behind by the wall. The sheer weight of the iron ball caused her to both huff and puff, but if anyone asked (highly unlikely given the general disinterest and boredom she had observed her new friends to have), she would just say that it was a kettlebell that she'd brought along for working out. Okay, maybe not the best lie, but it was the only one she could come up with that was at least somewhat plausible, so it would have to do.

by **Talchyon** » Wed Sep 20, 2017 8:57 pm

The alien living quarters on board the rickshaw ship, The Squelch
Captain Calculator

The dad-turned-superhero with accountant themed superpowers was in shock. And awe. The first shocker was that they weren't the only beings in this universe. There are aliens! Wow. Maybe Glitch was telling the truth after all, about how he had been abducted by aliens. Captain Calculator thought that maybe Glitch should be used as the intermediary because he was the only Infinite (as far as he knew) who had made contact with extra-terrestrials before. Glitch, the spokesman for planet Earth with aliens... What could go wrong?

But as he looked over, to his surprise a wide assortment of things he often found at his favorite office supply store came hurtling at him from Mikhael's direction. That is, if that office supply store also carried books and yarn. Calculator yelped in astonished surprise, because a CPU was now heading straight for the CPA. Calculator dodged to the left, and rolled right, and then after a somersault or two on the ground, stood up panting because he had out-of-shape dad muscles. Unfortunately, he rolled right into Steve. "Oh, sorry, Steve."

At the mention of Steve, the other aliens in the ship who had just been introduced got their first glimpse at the being made of light that also glowed in the dark. "Oh, it's Steve! Hi, Steve" said the aliens, in unison, one almost imitating a bad Polish accent.

And as Steve was reacting (or not reacting, it's kind of hard to tell with a being made of light who has no face), Calculator glanced around to make sure everyone was there. Ok. Yeah, there's Pill-Ow, looking like he wants something. Maybe he'd like an accountant to help him with his tax forms! Calculator stifled a growing sense of hope, because he still had to count. Ok. Glitch, in his perpetual dazed expression. Furman, shedding. Alma, looking psychotic. Situation normal, moving on. The twins, the one fidgeting and the other making bunny ears behind his brother's head. Coathangerman and the Teetotaler. Goldilocks, looking like she might need a restroom. The villains, too, looking like they were trying to adjust to life on a space ship. That crazy bureaucratic doctor. Strange that he could now summon giant notary seals, but glad they were defeated. The rest of the villainous scum of the earth. And an iguana. All wearing kilts. And there was that girl, Ball-and-Chain Girl, who was...

Wait.

Ball-and-Chain Girl? What? Who was this?

"Who are you?" Captain Calculator asked. The others stopped and turned around, all noticing the Russian girl for the first time.

Spasticus the Snarler glanced over and shrugged. "She's some kind of weird alien. We found her out in the Mu Quadrant, frozen like your Earthling popsicles. And we brought her here. Then, we decided to peel off her, what do you call it, outer skin. And we found that the alien inside had already changed its form to pass herself off as if she was one of the Grunttella peoples. You know, they look kind of like... huh... now that you mention it, I hadn't noticed the connection between Grunttellas and humans before. Weird. Anyway, we were kind of bored, and there were spots on the ship that needed cleaning, so, we just kind of made her a slave. Gruntellas like that."

Calculator said, "What did her outer skin look like?"

Spasticus replied, "Oh, you know. Kind of gray and thick, with a clear face cover on her helmet, and a red rectangle with a gold pair of odd initials or something..."

It took Calculator a bit to figure it out, and then he said, "Wait. I don't think she's an alien. I think she was an astronaut. She's a human!"

Spasticus replied, "Uh, what? Oh. Oh no. No no no. I wasn't trying to enslave humanity! That's the job for the aliens in the intergalactic arena, who I'm taking you to and where you'll surely lose and... oh, uh, never mind that part...! But I would never have enslaved this poor human girl if I knew she was a human, and not a Grunttella! Someone! RELEASE HER! Oh no! My gum! I swallowed my gum!" And Spasticus began to politely cough and mildly flail his arms in the air, before looking more relaxed.

by **Barapam** » Thu Sep 21, 2017 9:00 am

"About freaking time!" Irina said angrily as a couple of alien workers released her from her chains. One took care of the ball so she didn't have to hold it, while the other unlocked the legcuff. They both then quickly disappeared from the scene. Her face was red, both out of rage and the effort it had meant to carry the heavy ball. "I tried to tell you repeatedly, but how was I supposed to know that you spoke English when you clearly don't understand Russian!?"

She turned to Captain Calculator, and addressed him in a much more polite manner. "I'm Irina Borisova, Soviet cosmonaut. I was on my way to the moon when a technical error of some kind forced my space capsule out off course. I drifted away until I lost consciusness, and the rest is just as this idiot just told you." She pointed at Spasticus, and judging by her face she had still not forgiven him. "I figured I could escape if I pretended to be part of your group. But who are you? You sound American, but something, I can't say exactly what it is, tells me that you're not astronauts..."

by **Talchyon** » Thu Sep 21, 2017 4:20 pm

Hey things like this happen
Spasticus the Snarler

The dull light gleamed off of Spasticus' bald eyes as well as his own spectacles, as the transporter gulped and said, "Yeah. About that. Turns out, I was using my handy translation sender, which allows me to send any message I want in another language, but yeah, it's not hooked up yet to the translation receiver. So I didn't know you were speaking that Earth language. I thought it was some remote dialect from Tribblia. Hey. It could have happened to anyone. You Earthites look a lot like those Gruntellas. How was I to know? Other than using my translation receiver, which, coincidentally, I always forgot to put on each morning. Was wondering why everyone was sounding so weird lately..."

In the alien quarters on the alien rickshaw ship talking to someone once mistaken for being an alien
Glitch

As Captain Calculator began to speak, he was politely tapped on the shoulder by someone behind him, and paused. Glitch stepped forward, and said, "Like, whoa, Corporaliciousness. Dude. I got this." Then Glitch, with his perpetually dazed look, took a step in front of the leader of the Minnesota Infinites, and began to handle the negotiations.

"So, like, I call every girl babe, so, like, don't think like I like you. I'm sure I will like you. Like, I will like you, not like like you. I will, like, like like you only if you, like, like like me, and then, after we get to know like personals of each other's backstory and so on. An' even then, like, you'll have to play hard to get. But I mean if you're playing hard to get me.

"So like, babe, pleased to meet you. I go by the nomenclature of Glitch, but that's not, like, what my parents called me. But Glitch works. And we are, am, is and be the purveyors of awesomeness and the rescuers of like stranded cats everywhere. We're the Minnesota Infinites. That there is our feckless leader, Corporal Cosine-in-ator Guy. He's a blast. And I'll let everyone else give their own callsign, if you catch my driftwood, yuh know? So there we were. We had just come to hear the speaking lab gurus talk about like those glowing rocks, and it was like really trippy. Until, babe, these less-than-desirables of Orient and our arch-nemeses all like went to the same dealie, and like wanted to get these glowing rocks out and blame us for it. And the law showed up, and he was pretty cranky, but I think it was just a bad bowl of Toast Posties if you follow like my wake an' all. But just when we thought it was going to turn out into an all-out, knock-down with like those talking brainiacs in the background, babe! It like, came upon us. All of a sudden! An' it was aliens! Like, I've seen them before. Twice. And the second time was really way out there, and how I like made their ship suck, and then we all came back down with a sudden jolt of joltiness, and then like, after the wipeout, I joined the Infinites. Not this branch, but like, one of the higher up ones. And then like, I came here and I've been here ever since.

"But Babe. I digress. So like, there we were. And the sky was all like the size of Detroit, with robot legs. And I was like, 'Dude.' Not, how I've said it sometimes, like when the world is about to explode into smithereens, and I'm like, "DUDE." And I say that a lot 'cause I've seen how much meaning and interpretagion can be put into it, like what English teachers always do? But this whacked-out Detroit vessel was heading our way. And it said like that we had to fight like bunches of other aliens or there was gonna be a lot of slavery an' all. Then it headed too close to our way, and took out the shiny rock gurus, and then, like, we were the ones who got the lucky rock and the short stick an' all, not that I actually got any rock or stick, or lot thrown in someone's lap, but you get my gist.

"Then, like, we had to fight these boring but giant administrative tools that like, moved really slow but could probably do some serious kind of damage? Yuh know? And then, we got them stopped - they're going to make a comic book about me sometime in the future, so I'm trying to make sure I remember like all my exploits an' all? But then, Mr. Shiny here gave us a tour, and we saw these aliens but they weren't hostile, and then I ate a cookie. But it was really an alien. Then we met you.

"So like, that's our epic saga, babe. And I'm sure if you want to join us, there's like a spot."

Throughout the whole thing, Glitch looked as dazed as he was when he began...

by **Zjaum** » Thu Sep 21, 2017 7:04 pm

Aubree "Goldilocks" Lincoln

Wow! What an amazing hallway! Aubree wondered in awe at the narrow passageway. There were surprisingly few times when she experienced the act of going down a hallway, but this one definitely felt the most... magical, for lack of a better word. She touched the glassy sides. The touch was a feeling of pure joy. She rubbed her face along its side, unknowingly smudging Irina's pristine cleaning with makeup and oils. This was, by far, the best part about the kid napping.

Henry "Blimp Man" Hinshaw

When entangled in a web of one's own making, it's surprisingly difficult to contort oneself to move in the right direction. As the other superheroes passed him and sauntered down the hallway, Henry was busy kicking his legs up to try and turn off the fan. While successful after the thirtieth set of five attempts, he also managed to flip himself upside down and backwards. By slowly contorting himself, he managed to build enough momentum in the direction of the noises.

On his way, he passed by Aubree, who hadn't stopped fawning over the walls. "Aubree?! What are you doing?!"

"I'm enjoying the hallway," Aubree replied, as if that was a normal thing to say. She perused Henry's situation. "What are YOU doing?"

"Trying to follow the others!" Henry shouted back, before overhearing something about a "Rock Monster" and bemoaning to himself that he couldn't see it. "What's so important about the hallway, anyway?"

"It feels so nice!" Aubree exclaimed. "Come on; feel it for yourself!"

"Well, I'd love to, but my hands are tied." Quite literally, in fact. "Could you help me out of this?"

"Yes, sorry! Of course I'll-" she gasped, seeing the lady with cleaning materials and directing her attention towards her. "YOU must be the one in charge of cleaning the walls!" She rushed over and gave the cleaning lady a big hug. "Please, tell me all about yourself [for the fourth time, the third time in the story]! I want to know how you were able to make these walls feel so nice!"

Blimp Man was, quite literally, left hanging.

by **Barapam** » Fri Sep 22, 2017 12:05 pm

As Spasticus the Snarler tried to explain/excuse himself, Irina gave him a gaze that in pretty much any galaxy clearly signalled something along the lines of: "Exactly what kind of idiot are you? How can you be in charge of anything? I mean seriously, it requires a special kind of talent to be that stupid! Not even the Zqwaladrians on Appa-Foh VII..."

Luckily for Spasticus, Captain Calculator then began to... do nothing, because he was immediately interrupted by Glitch, who then went on to give a confusing introduction that Irina had quite hard to follow. At first she squinted at him in confusion, then she opened her eyes only to raise her eyebrows instead. His modern slang certainly didn't help, especially not since it lead Irina to think that he was jabbering on about Laika for quite a while, but eventually she understood most of it. Maybe. There had to be some kind of truth in what he said. Probably. At least that last part about them having been picked up by this space ship. She could see with her own eyes that so much was correct, but the rest was a bit harder to puzzle together.

Just as she was about to ask more questions, a woman from out of nowhere suddenly hugged her! Irina jumped at the initial schock, but as she realized what was going on, much thanks to Goldilock's question, she relaxed, smiled, and even laughed a little. "I get it now!" She looked at all of them, and became even more convinced.

"You're all drugged-out hippies! Abducted by these morons to get anal probed! It makes perfect sense now!" Harmony restored, once again order in chaos. For Irina, that had to be the reason for why these strangers acted the way they did.

by **Whalestron** » Fri Sep 22, 2017 7:03 pm

"Aha!"

Nikolai, who'd been on the prowl for the stupid American heroes since they'd first entered the ship, fell from the ceiling in a very comical fashion. He landed flat on his stomach, resulting in an adorable squeaky sound. Once he was up, the Communist teddy-bear pointed an accusing digit at the heroes.

"Stoopid eediots, you thought you could get away without confrontation, da? Stealing one of the great Leader's cheeldrun eez offense that vill not be ignored!"

The bear summoned a large, Russian shotgun. His strength being nonexistent, it simply clattered to the ground. After several attempts to lift the weapon from the ground, Nikolai gave up, panting. Who knew something without lungs could tax itself so hard? Apparently, Nikolai could feel the overexertion. He abandoned the weapon and switched to a knife, something he still struggled to hold.

The large hunting knife caused him to wobble, nearly falling over several times. Nikolai eventually made it to the boot of one of the heroes, Calculator to be precise, and let the sharp edge fall uselessly onto the toe of his shoe. "Take zat!" He cried, repeating this process twice. He was very kickable, and he knew this. But it was part the soviet's master plan... he knew all too well the Infinites wouldn't risk a civilian's life, and the knife he held was a safety hazard! For a single kick would send him flying through the air, which would very likely cause some kind of injury to an onlooker of their grand battle!

The Infinites: And Beyond! (Comedy, Supers, Space, OPEN) -IC

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