TS Labor Thread IV: There's a Lower Higher Power [OPEN!]

[TURTLESHROOM II]

KINGDOM OF THE UNITED TURTLES, MUSHROOMS, AND MEN OF TURTLESHROOM
! PROVISIONARY INDEPENDENT GOVERNING BODY !
ARMED FORCES OF TURTLESHROOM
SECOND SACRED JUNTA OF TURTLESHROOM
REACTIONARY GRANDMASTER

HONORED LEGATE-DOCTOR BACON:

Your compassion for TurtleShroom and the furtherance of your medical oaths, as well as Allanea's mission to protect the innocent, is worthy of commendations to the point that I myself will personally issue a reply to it.

On behalf of the Junta, I wish to sincerely thank Allanea for its altruism and compassion for the TurtleShroomian nation and for all innocent TurtleShroomers everywhere. We cannot stress enough how grateful we are right now.

I am honored to personally tell you that your requests and offers for foreign aid are not only granted, but encouraged. I have personally directed those under me to give full access to TurtleShroomian cities, towns, and refuge centers, as well as shelters.

Most towns in TurtleShroom already have a central fallout shelter, regardless of their size, and many farmers have their own as well. What's more, the entire Grand Bunker complex has the capacity to hold three billion creatures for six months (or, essentially, to sustain the population of TurtleShroom for a year). These were developed decades before TurtleShroom successfully achieved nuclear fission.

Concerning the gas masks and other masks, we would be delighted to assist Allanea in distributing gas masks and paper masks to protect the innocent. Our military's logistical supply lines will assist you in spreading these goods to all TurtleShroomian cities under the siege of the rioters at your discretion.

We have instructions for the Allanean police, as well. We will be presenting Allanea with several high-profile buildings and targets that they could protect, to ensure that the situation that the Chancellery Palace found itself in does not repeat itself. These targets include the Chancellery Palace, the Legation Quarter, Capitol Land, other key governmental buildings, and administrative buildings in other cities. If leftover Allanean men remain, we can also use them to guard hospitals and refugee centers.

Although the Junta agrees on the evacuation of major TurtleShroomian cities, we do not currently have the means to sort the rioters from the TurtleShroomers. In other words, the rioters are using our rules of engagement against us: they are hiding in plain sight, throughout the cities. What's more, because of their stealth, I have had to essentially fly blind in terms of bombing and striking.

Therein is the rub. We fear that evacuating all TurtleShroomian cities will cause the rioters to hide in the slums that ring those cities. Those densely packed shanties, consisting mainly of Asian humans, are essentially impossible to pick apart. If we were to attack them, isolating civilians would literally be impossible. It is needless to say that I do not want to bomb those areas, and will only do so if the rioters strike first and I have my back to the wall. Right now, the rioters are in the inner cities, but if we evacuate the cities, the rioters will follow into the shanties.

We fear that civilian evacuation would lead to an exodous and metastization of the Marxist cancer alongside civilian evacuation. That is why we were using the selective evacuation methods, which, while largely successful, are prone to error.

Nonetheless, we cannot hesitate to implement your reccomendations, Honored Legate-Doctor. We will begin doing so immediately.


-ONE STAR GOVERNOR-GENERAL BUBBA BUBBAVICH LONG, GRANDMASTER OF THE SECOND SACRED JUNTA OF TURTLESHROOM, DEFENDER OF THE NATION.

[TURTLESHROOM II]

{ OOC: Pherd, I'll write your reply next week. I love diplomatic sniping, so it's no problem to do so. }

[TURTLESHROOM II]

KINGDOM OF THE UNITED TURTLES, MUSHROOMS, AND MEN OF TURTLESHROOM
! PROVISIONARY INDEPENDENT GOVERNING BODY !
ARMED FORCES OF TURTLESHROOM
SECOND SACRED JUNTA OF TURTLESHROOM
REACTIONARY GRANDMASTER

TO THE GREAT, AUGUST EMPEROR ISAKSANDAR MAADID OF DARUSSALEM, AND THE COURT THEREOF:

Your support for the righteous cause of this Junta and its defense of TurtleShroom is welcomed and appreciated. We would be honored to accept your donation of tents, beds, and medicine for the purpose of caring to refugees and innocents, as well as staffing overcrowded hospitals, will address a vital and critical need.

The compassion of the Darussalemite Empire, as well as the Alleanean Empire, demonstrates the benevolency of both monarchism and of civilized nations. The kindness of all parties involved- except the warmongering fools in Pherdistan -is well-received by all TurtleShroomers.

Our task of exterminating the Jacobins is going on schedule, but the loss of our nuclear fuel rods was a shocking setback. The amount of money they could get by selling those is immense. It is enough to fund them for years! The uranium is not enriched to weapons-grade use, but it is still a danger and would make significant damage if it was put in a Dirty Bomb.

The answer, as we all know, is to continue to draw a hard line on the Jacobins. There can be no negotiation with terrorists. If we crack down hard enough, there will eventually not be rioters to crack down on.

TurtleShroom has managed to stave off a Civil War so far, but if we don't step the killing of the Reds up, we may not maintain that for long.


Thank you for your assistance.
-ONE STAR GOVERNOR-GENERAL BUBBA BUBBAVICH LONG, GRANDMASTER OF THE SECOND SACRED JUNTA OF TURTLESHROOM, DEFENDER OF THE NATION.

[Allanea]

In the Capitol of Turtleshroom

Greater Prussian Gendarmes were now positioned at the entrances of major government buildings. They were divided, unobtrusively, into groups of six men. Some groups had with them an enormous but somewhat-friendly looking dog - these were the infamous Lyran Warhounds. Most of the Gendarmes wore helmets, and had respirators hanging at their necks. Strangely, however, their faceplates were still raised, and they were polite to the passing Turtleshroom residents. They even gave - to their best ability - directions. “Hello Ma’am, the mall is actually right in that direction.” “That’s an adorable child you’ve got there, Sir, would she like some candy?” - the officers had candy bars of various sizes stashed in their tactical jackets. Children that approached for candy were given some, and an astute observer would have suspected this was part of some manner of plan.

But the Greater Prussians were not entirely without a violent streak of their own, though of course it was a subtle one. Police teams hidden out on roofs of major buildings covered the crowds - so far not with rifles, but with the massive scopes of cameras. A small white blimp was inflated, and now hung over the Capitol building, an array of cameras slung under it taking countless photographs. On the ground, many of the officers had small cameras fixed to their helmets.

In the interim, more officers continued to arrive. At the airport, hundreds of crates of gasmasks and paper respirators were unloaded. Officers, too, arrived by the planeload, although they still numbered in the numbers and not in the thousand.

Colonel Helmuth Müller meanwhile, wrote a letter directly to Bubba Bubbavich Long:

From: Colonel Helmuth Müller, temporary commander of the joint Greater Prussian Gendarme Force in Turtleshroom
To: General Bubba Bubavich Long

Your Excellency!

I appreciate the danger posed now by Jacobin terrorism. The very name ‘Jacobin’ is associated in the public mind with extreme brutality, genocide, and horrifying abuse. In my native Reichskamphen, as you may know, an attempted Jacobin rebellion ended in horrifying bloodshed. However I wish to stress that while there’s no reason to be soft on these creatures, our violence must be directed, precise, ruthless, and efficient.

For this purpose I recommend the following set of action:

1. That our Gendarmes be allowed to work alongside Turtleshroom’s own policemen, in accordance to the latest developements in crowd psychology and crowd control science. Training in modern crowd control tactics and equipment is an absolute must.
2. That we develop and deploy an intelligence-gathering effort, alongside local police, to better understand the workings of the terrorist networks.
3. That we deploy heavily armed patrols, equipped with radiation scanners etc., to scan and sweep areas for the potential dirty bomb, possibly under cover of issuing various aid to the poor sent in by charity donors.
4. That small, highly-trained police and military units be formed to carry out direct action directly against Jacobin leadership, rather than engage in high-risk operations against their ‘foot soldiers’.

The issue here is not whether or not we require violence. We require violence; anyone who does not see this is blind. However we require that violence be both ruthless and effective.

[TURTLESHROOM II]

{ OOC: This a public letter with some redacted information. The masked portions of the text (shown as black boxes) are only unencrypted for Allanea. However, this letter is intended for everyone to see, especially Pherdistan. }

---

KINGDOM OF THE UNITED TURTLES, MUSHROOMS, AND MEN OF TURTLESHROOM
! PROVISIONARY INDEPENDENT GOVERNING BODY !
ARMED FORCES OF TURTLESHROOM
SECOND SACRED JUNTA OF TURTLESHROOM
REACTIONARY GRANDMASTER

[ENCRYPTED: SELECTIVE - SOME WRITING MAY BE BLACKED OUT.]

TO THE ALLANEAN EMPEROR AND THE COURT THEREOF, TO THE HONORED COLONEL OF THE DOMESTIC GARRISON:

Hello, and thank you for your assistance in the fight thus far. I will restate my full approval of your mission to distribute masks, aid, and supplies to all innocent TurtleShroomers that have been caught up in this mess.

Before I reply to your list, allow me to explain a little bit about the history of the suppression of insurrection and riot control in TurtleShroom. Most of the tactics TurtleShroom employs for crowd control and suppression of riots are eight hundred years old. They were inherited from the non-human Khanates, they having learned it in the early 1500s AD. They themselves inherited from their enslaving masters eight hundred years ago. In turn, we adapted our riot control methods on theirs.

First, we delegate enforcement to local authorities, who, alongside state-run police agencies, also delegate police power to loyal private interests. Each police administrative district has an elected Sheriff. Alongside a state-run police force is the favored loyalist force. This is usually a PMC, lay hue-and-cry militia, or deputized posse. State-run Riot Police are unarmed and instead use iron crucifers for the purpose of bludeoning.

This ancient system was itself derived from the Mongoloid culture. Although they directly enslaved the non-human population in TurtleShroom, their cultural kin's conduct with humans is well known to us. Take Russia, for example: in exchange for their loyalty and enforcement of their will, the Mongoloids of that region empowered the Grand Prince of Muscovy to collect taxes and maintain law and order. This made the Muscovites a dominant force in their region and ultimately birthed the Russian state.

TurtleShroom uses the same tactics. These Private Allies, under the restrictions and control of the Ministry of Police and the elected Sheriff, are the main tax collectors, traffic cops, petty watchmen, and survillance agents in TurtleShroom. In cities, cops patrol the beat with a Private Allied partner. (Except in special cirucmstances, all beat cops are state employees.)
The Private Allies are well-compensated and have a vested interest to work with the police, and help themselves to a commission for tax collection. Again, this system is eight hundred years old, but a more unregulated, corrupt version existed for thousands of years before that.

Having covered Mongoloid-style delegation of power and electoral accountaiblity, we will now move to the actual dealings of insurrection. This, too, was learned from Mongoloid custom. TurtleShroomian crowd suppression has one rule: leave no violent force standing. A city that is in revolt is given an oppurtunity to surrender and have its rioters go home. (We gave that oppurutnity early last year.)

If they refuse, we first send in the Riot Police. These officers are armed with heavy armor, shields, helmets, and iron crucifers. Their mission is to ram into the rioters and fight, in a manner similar to a swordsman, to tear holes into the ranks of the rioters. Crucifers are long rods and poles topped with a cross. They are used in religious ceremonies, but are also far more effective (and deadly) than billy clubs! The goal of the Riot Police is to bludgeon and bash violent forces in a more controlled matter than to simply open fire. In smaller riots or local acts of violence covering a few cities blocks, the Riot Police easily crush the insurrection by simply clubbing everyone that doesn't run. For the past two hundred years, clubbing violent people with long iron rods has always been enough to end an insurrection or violent riot. We've used them countless times and have used the same tactics for centuries, without issue!

However, there are a very few times in TurtleShroom that the Riot Police cannot suppress a riot. In this case, we summon the normal police forces and order them to shoot-to-kill. In this stage, unrestricted lethal force will be deployed whenever possible and whenever there is not a significant risk to civilians. Tasers, tear gas, and flash grenades are only used in areas where civilians have not yet been evacuated.

Lastly, in the event of a genuine, armed uprising, we send in the military. The Crown refused to do that, and even when King Rod decided to send in tanks, he refused to fire them with their normal rounds. Instead, he deliberately ordered smaller rounds that were more like slug units. He was simply using them to clear the streets. It failed.

I am using the same slugs as opposed to explosives. It's similar to deploying cannonballs, air guns, or mass drivers: the projectile is simply shot at extremely high speeds, causing immense damage to structures and crowds without exploding. In fact, it is deploying modified "cannonballs". The slugs are made of bronze and are outfitted for this very purpose!
Naturally, I'm not ordering tanks to open fire with full artillery munitions in the city square, but I am certainly using them more liberally.

Now, in the case with the chlorine gas, we attempted to follow the protocol of evacuation before termination, but the crowds were so immense that we couldn't buy enough time before we had to slaughter them in order to protect the Chancellery Palace. Had we waited to evacuate those four thousand innocents, we'd have lost one of TurtleShroom's oldest buildings and the lives of more than four thousand soldiers. It was a trade-off. In the Real World, we can't always save everyone.

Those soldiers were under my command, and I have my orders: leave no man behind and protect the innocent. However, when those two conflict, I have a duty to my honor as a soldier and as a commander to protect those under me before I protect others.

You may think of me as a monster, but you weren't there: you have no idea how difficult it was to watch those four thousand innocent TurtleShroomers get caught in the torrent of dirt, mud, poison, and death. I still see it when I retreat into my shell. I had to look each of those bodies- and their families where applicable -in the eyes when I visited their mass graves.
Yet, then I think about the thousands, if not tens of thousands, or even millions, that I saved by clearing out one half of one million people who had no regard for anyone they were attacking and wanted to kill us all.
I made a split decision and I have no regrets for what I did. I only wish I could have done more in the time I had.

Now that I have established the basics of Mongoloid insurrection suppression and how it is adapted for TurtleShroom, allow me to continue.

As you have listed specific advice or offers for help, I will reply in tandem.

• I will have to reject your generous offer to retrain the police and military forces in crowd control and "crowd psychology". Our nation has an excellent mental health system and we have an understanding of the criminal mind and the mind of the violent. There's an old axiom we inherited from the Confederates we inherited, though the phrase has changed based on modern criminal habits.
  It goes: "A man willing to break in and steal your television is willing to steal your life to get it.".
  Or, in a more modern, musical example: "He made it clear he wasn't looking for a fight. He said 'give me all you've got, I want your money not your life, but if you try to make a move, I wont think twice'.".
  Violent crowds and the mob mentality, once the ball starts rolling, only understand violence and hatred.
  
• We are in agreement. I accept your request. All information and all intelligence gathered about the Jacobins by the police and military will immediately be shared with you and your troops. However, we would prefer that you only gather intelligence when a TurtleShroomian soldier or policeman is with you. We do not wish to allow the obvious risk of accidently finding out a TurtleShroomian state secret, fallout shelter, missile silo, etc. etc. somewhere out in the jungle or in the shifting sands.
  After all, allowing you to survey the land alone could be complicated, given your past interactions with us. We
  are simply taking precautions: we cannot give anyone, even a nation we are at peace with and have come to respect, the right to survey land and cities, etc., without us watching their every move. We wouldn't do it to most of our own allies! We don't even do it to tourists!
  
• Absolutely. I accept your request. While passing out charity, you are free to bring in Geiger counters and search for the fuel rods. TurtleShroom has had tens of thousands of Geiger counters in surplus from a deal with several Russian states in the nineties, so unless you insist, you can use ours. (We also secured domestic production rights.)
  We actually have tens of thousands more than we need, if you want any.
  We will, of course, demand that we accompany any and all sweeps under the guise of charity. We will assist the charitable work and follow you as you do your jobs.
  
• We accept this provision, with a few stipulations. On the condition that a TurtleShroomian soldier from the Atomic Forces of proper rank is present in all meetings, and so long as all information for tactical strikes on Jacobin leadership is shared with me personally, at least every hour, you are clear to go in any strikes against the Jacobins. We will even offer our own TSSSS agents, Atomic Forces agents, and undercover policemen to aid you. We expect full cooperation, obviosuly, but we will be gladly ready to implement your decisions.

We trust that you will not let us down! Thank you for your selflessness and willingness to assist us in defending ourselves.


Blessed be your esteemed Emperor, and may his nation and reign prosper now and forever. One day, I will again be able to write "peace be with you".
-ONE STAR GOVERNOR-GENERAL BUBBA BUBBAVICH LONG, GRANDMASTER OF THE SECOND SACRED JUNTA OF TURTLESHROOM, DEFENDER OF THE NATION.

[Allanea]

Over the slums of Jonesboro, the helicopter skimmed down between the roofs, hovered for an instant like a bluebottle, and darted away again with a curving flight. It was the Gendarme recon flight, seeking out potential Jacobin compounds. It was the advance guard of a larger presence. Everywhere the Gendarmes went, they carried with them sensors, cameras, scientific equipment of every kind. Camera badges gleamed on every man and woman’s lapel. Camera arrays rotated on top of the passing Gendarme jeeps. Overhead, three of the white surveillance blimps hovered over Jonesboro, one on the city outskirts, one near the Capitol, and another near the airport. Thousands of photographs and videos were gathered and categorized, made available for Turtleshroom law enforcement.

From the airport, hundreds of men streamed into the city. Enormous cargo aircraft, filled with Gendarmes and their equipment, landed in Jonesboro every few hours. Other aircraft carried in gas masks, respirators, and disposable filters for them.

At the Capitol, defenses were laid down for a renewed Jacobin attack, which the Greater Prussian Gendarmes knew must come. Metal protective barriers were poised across the most vulnerable points of the square. Alone they might be easy to tip over, but they were linked together, and now it would require the effort of a law-breaking crowd to do so. Peaceful protestors, or rioters who were not fully determined to violence, would be slowed down by those. Near the barriers, Gendarmes in dark grey - some Allaneans, other Reichskamphenites - waited, smiling politely to every passing Turtleshroom resident. In civilian buildings that overlooked the Capitol approaches, rooms were rented to poise hidden police teams, and other rooms were taken up in the Capitol building itself.

Gendarme patrols fanned out through the city, officially on the task of handing out humanitarian aid - gas masks, rebreathers, and various other items that would help individuals survive a possible emergencies. They did more than that, too. Police medics spoke to individual residents, giving basic instructions on how to give first aid and how to react to radiation poisoning and chemical weapons attacks.

“This is an Atropin injector,” - somewhere, a young lady in a light-grey uniform, a tattoo on her wrist, and a strong Allanean accent, explained to a group of schoolteachers, while showing them an object much like a thick whiteboard pen. “If someone has been hit with a nerve agent, you want to take off this red cap, and smack it forcefully in their thigh. That’s going to cause a spring to open and inject them. Then you take syringe out, fold the needle, and hang it on the person’s lapel, like a badge. That way any EMTs know they’ve been hit.”

Elsewhere, a Reichskamphenite doctor with officer’s ranks, explained. “Radiation is actually not quite as frightening as people think if you follow the right rules. Frankly, as a doctor, I’d rather be facing a radiological attack than a severe earthquake. Now, the thing you must know is that radioactive fallout is at its most dangerous immediately during and after the attack. If you follow these simple rules..”

It seemed almost by coincidence that the teams often had a few small extras to hand out to the locals to go along with the aid supply - a few bars of candy for the local children, perhaps, a refill of aspirin for an old lady who had run out. Sometimes even the protesters who stood against the government would be offered a few bottles of water, if they were acting peacefully. “Look, pal,” - an Allanean explained as he handed over the water, “I don’t like you, but I don’t want you to overheat and stroke out, right?”

Beneath the politeness, however, there was a calculated professionalism. Agents of the Turtleshroom government often rode alongside the Greater Prussian gendarmes in their vans, to ensure that they did not collect the nation’s state secrets - although the Allaneans often asked them to stay in the car when they interviewed the locals, to avoid frightening them. Geiger counters hidden in the cars and radiation sensors sewed into police officer clothing were used to sweep for the fuel rods. Sometimes, in their conversations with the locals, officers would ask small, unobtrusive questions - “I bet the Jacobins don’t do as much for you as we do”, they would say, or “I bet a young man like you knows someone who takes up a pick to defend the country - not that you would tell, would you?”. When there was more suspicion, individuals were taken aside for a short interview.

The vast amount of photographs the helicopters and officers gathered was also used. Image recognition software and frequency analysis were used to scan for individuals who often appeared at Jacobin protests, and crowd psychologists looked over photos of the protests to gather data about potential organizers. Overhead, Gendarmerie helicopters armed with radiation detectors also searched for the fuel rods. Soon, similar flights were initiated over other cities in the country. With every passing hour, the search grew more urgent.

[Darussalam]

The trapdoor opened again, and the twins descended the stairs.

They were broadly similar in appearance, although trained eyes could distinguish them more easily. Jinan was the shorter brother, the talkative and the actor, with playful eyes that occasionally hint cruelty. Jihan was taller, a diplomat, and certainly assumed the role of an older sister. At the very least, the twins had agreed not to frighten the moral sense of Turtleshroomer criminal underground, and returned to their respective traditional gender roles and expectations, despite still wearing the same outrageously jarring garments more fitting for Asahinan aristocrats. Indeed, their appearance would have defied common prejudices on Darussians, enhanced with their silvery, almost-white hair, pale skin, and dark green irises, a notable contrast of Turtleshroomer racial stereotypes despite these traits being common in their place of origin — Thurayya, the Heavenly Plains, high plains and mountains spreading above the clouds in northern domain of the Peacock Throne.

“How appalling,” whispered Jinan in one of obscure vernacular dialects of the Abode of Peace. “The food is detestable, the drinks more so! Whereas our poems exalt the pleasure of wine, but we are robbed of God’s delight in this realm, and forced to eat the trees of Zaqqum instead.”

“We are in a deplorable condition, certainly,” his sister concurred. “Pray that this is our chance to be granted a better life by Him, God willing.” Upon making an eye contact with the Turtleshroomer party, a human and an ancient turtle, Jihan nodded.

“You already know us,” she declared in a calm, dignified tone, now switching to a vaguely accented English. “But still, please allow us the honor of a formal introduction. I am Kochkunjukisi Jihan and this is my brother, Kochkunjuogul Jinan. In your tongue, you may call us Jihan and Jinan, children of our father Konchkunju, of the illustrious tribe of Vache in the domain of Ganja. May bad omens and pestilence inflict those who divulge these names to our enemies.”

“It is our honor to be granted audience before your presence,” said Jinan as he bowed. “And the man before you, who has arrived before us, is our most excellent client for today.”

The aforementioned man was also a Darussian. He was quite young, perhaps early in thirties, and advanced cosmetic technology available for the ruling elite of the Abode of Peace further refined this appearance of youth aside from asserting his high rank and respectable status. His skin had a lightly toned complexion, although darker than the twins. Overall, his body appeared healthier and more well-toned than others present. Today, he wore a Western business suit atypical for a Darussian, who typically prided the traditional garments commonly used for formal and casual events throughout the realm. His only acknowledgement of this attitude was a turban that he wore even indoors, in amidst of humid subtropical heat of Turtleshroom.

The man offered a curt smile. “I apologize for my rudeness. I am Xašxâš, son of Ḥappapáwr. You may simply call me Khaskhâsh or Nârkuk, either will suffice. I represent the interests of the board of directors of the Aṭ-Ṭawus Group from al-Mada’in, the Abode of Peace.” While the Darussians were rather well-known for their obstinate insistence to indulge in hours of cryptic dances of meanings and interpretations, Khaskhâsh was aware that his potential clients desired no such luxury, and thus he immediately proceeded. “As of the auspicious news that brought me here, my patrons had expressed their wish before me to share their wealth and prosperity to the nations of the world. We desire not to isolate ourselves to the prosperous global economy, nor should we isolate the thriving local economy of Turtleshroom. It is for this reason that this humble servant holds audience before the entrepreneurial native such as the lady before me, for only through the labor of its peoples that the well-being of the Nazarene Realm shall be elevated.”

He gestured to his entourage, and a young lady in modest dress came forward, holding a tablet computer and piles of papers. She handed them to the Turtleshroomers, and gently guided them to navigate around the presentation available within said tablet computer, in understanding on the Darussians' part that the Turtleshroomer digital technology was, rather intentionally, set backward by the oligarchs who monopolized the polity’s economy. “Simply put, what we offer is a mutually beneficial contract between our groups regarding the distribution of our products, specifically that from one of our group companies, Amerta Pharmaceuticals, although no doubt that the future possibilities are open. Amerta specializes in the legal manufacturing of drugs used in treatment of pain and related procedures, and the products we offered to the Turtleshroomers are harvested from Cannabis sativa and Papaver somniferum and refined for recreational use.”

“Milady, the Abode of Peace produces approximately 8,000 metric tonnes of opium and 4,000 metric tonnes of hashish annually,” Jihan added. “Amerta controls three-quarters of said production. If you do not reject this gracious offer, then we may authorize you as the official distributor of the Aṭ-Ṭawus Group. Heavens only may know the limit of the fortunes spreading before you, and other peoples of this realm.”

[TURTLESHROOM II]

SLEAZY SPEAKEASY IN FAR WESTERN-CENTRAL TURTLESHROOM
2:34 PM, MAY 5TH, 2016 AD

The lively piano sounded like a carnival as its talented musician continued his live music concerto for the patrons. Dim lights flickered slightly as the bartender kept round after round of illicit moonshine and illicit wine flowing. Interestingly, it only seemed to be the tourists that got drunk; the TurtleShroomers present would have none of that.

Obadiah rose as the third Darussalemite nobleman entered and introduced himself. Bowing first, then extending a handshake, they exchanged names and pleasantries. Misha lowered her neck in turn. Obadiah smiled sincerely to the others.

"Thank ya'll for meetin' with us, Mistuh Xasxas." he struggled with the name, blushing slightly in hopes that he wouldn't insult or embarass his guest. "I like ya suit, but there was no need to wear anythin' diff'rent than what you would do business in back home.
It is both a plea-shuh and privilege to meet such an esteemed, legitimate businessman as ya-self."

Here, he winked. Everyone knew full well what they dealt in.

Misha spoke as well.

"We've been in the drug business long enough to know that taxonomy there." she smiled. "Opium and marijuana."

"Hoo-wee, nothin' is sellin' so well as the sleepin' poppies, I'll tell ya'll that. You came at the right time. Lord Ishmael long ago completely over took the opium business in the deserts. He made some massive deal with a bunch'a bees to get gigantic opium plants-"

He outstretched his huge arm span.

"-THIS BIG, so big that he don't need no suppliers for yee-uhs. Nabbed some gold too. Best deal I've evuh seen."

He looked over the tablet computer's data and documents, reading every word.

"Ya'll don't have to ask us twice. We'd be honored to be ya'lls main opium supply-uh. -but there's one thing I need to square away."

They both shook hands.

"Now tells us about your stash." Misha said, eager to get to business. "How 'dank' is it? No, I don't mean how cool and damp it is, I mean its quality. Lord Ishmael's opium is quantity. It's decent stuff, but his cartel is all about numbers and overwhelmin' with low prices. We're going for quality. Once we monopolize the jungles' supply of opium, we will want to try and encroach on Lord Ishmael's turf. We have the weapons to hold off his goons, so a turf war has been planned for."

Obadiah nodded.

"We can't stress enough that the opium ya'll are sellin' needs to be the most 'dank' opium on the mahket. We want opium that you smoke, and then you lean back and go, 'holy %$^%$#', * that's some good opium right there'! Dare-roo-say-lum is known across Nationstates, and all over TurtleShroom, for having the absolute finest, artisan goods that make mass produced stuff look like trash. Ya'll have a reputation that precedes you."

The human folded his hands.

"I think ya'll unduhstand what I mean."

He leaned forward slightly.

"I 'wanna try some of that there opium before I commit to it.** I've tried all sorts of Papaver somniferum over the yee-uhs, and I know what I want to sell. I wouldn't sell anything that ain't gone through mah own body."

To his surprise, Xasxas and company expected this request, and produced some old-fashioned smoked opium for him to try. Ever ready himself, Obadiah pulled a pipe and lighter from his briefcase. He took a long hit- one that had a length that even the Darussalemites could appreciate -and sighed as the "I'm in a warm part of the bed with hours to sleep" euphoria rushed over him. The sweet smell of the drug filled the room. A fan near the bar was heard turning on, as the smoke was sucked out through the vent.

The bartender shouted over the music.

"HEY! IF YA'LL 'WANNA SMOKE OPIUM, DO IT IN THE OPIUM DEN! FOURTH DOOR TO THE RIGHT, NEXT TO THE BATHROOMS!"

Not that Obadiah cared: he smiled widely before the tiredness hit him. Yawning and inhaling the fumes one last time, he removed his glasses with the rest of his energy as his head slammed against the table. He quickly fell into a deep sleep.

Misha couldn't contain her excitement.

"Son, I haven't seen the boss take a hit like that in a long time. In fact, I don't think I've ever seen opium that 'dank', that powerful, or that good."

She pressed the buttons and tabelt touchpad containing the contract, and typed in her and Ishmael's name.

"With opium that 'dank', we expect to be doing business with ya'll for the rest of our lives."

Everyone involved could practically see their nation's respective currency signs flashing before their eyes. As a celebration, Misha asked the bartender to present them a shot of White Lightning and a round of watermelon wine.

"It ain't as good as what ya'll have," Misha admitted, "but you will never, ever have whiskey as strong as what you have in front of you. As for the wine, it may not be a thousand years old and picked from choice grapes, but I did spluge for the ten year cellar-aged special. Oldest one in this speakeasy."

She smiled as Obadiah began faintly snoring.

"I only wish I could better show our gratitude than moonshine and cheap wine."

---

* = Only the criminal underground and generally villainous TurtleShroomers curse. Cursing is the number one way to determine if you are dealing with a criminal in TS. This means they rarely curse in public to avoid tipping off the others.

** = Assume that Xasxas has some with it for this part of the story.

[La Cosa Fedora]

"Carlos" had sold the uranium fuel bars at a discount to his contacts back home, but there was still good enough profit to convince the Jacobins of the virtues of the uranium heist. Furthermore, with a little assistance, there were now those out there who described themselves as "4/26 truthers", denying the official version of events about the 4/26 gad attacks.

"Attacks perpetrated by a bearded man with wild eyes? Is the government blaming Grigori Rasputin for this attack? I heard that he couldn't have done it, he really was gone. "

Rumors were that an underground documentary" Fahrenheit 4/26" was being filmed in secret and will be released soon, as a sort of samizdat publication.

Naturally, there was a great deal of caution to not allow any tell-tale Fedorite fingerprints on this operation. The film lacked fancy special effects, and the women weren't even given any "artificial enhancement" as practically required by Fedorite culture. In fact, a lot of the footage was low-budget computer graphics and grainy footage of interviews with "experts" who mostly speculated about the true events of 4/26.

With the 4/26 truther project well on the way, it was time to share the next idea with the Jacobins. After securing the transfer of the price of the fuel rods, he had requested another secret meeting with the Jacobin leadership. After the appropriate congratulations to his comrades for the successful heist, he got down to business, conveying the next plot with contagious, stimulant-fueled enthusiasm. He had used the stuff sparingly since the gas attack, as both the dangers and benefits of such substances were appreciated by the Fedorites. This is not a problem as long as there is no contact with anyone who needs to be impressed between doses.

Carlos planted the seeds of an idea into the Jacobin leadership's minds, an idea which could unleash true chaos:

"We have all heard that the Bourgeois state is expecting some sort of dirty bomb attack. They are right to fear weapons of mass destruction, but we can do better than dirty bombs.I now propose to hit them where they are the least prepared, in their tourism sector."

"What I mean is, we use some of this money from the sale of the rods to get ourselves some more serious firepower, use that to take some biological weapons from the Bourgeois State, and infect some human tourists with it."

"Tourists are likely to be bourgeois or petty bourgeois in nature, so their death is acceptable. Being foreigners, they may be less prepared for illness and less likely for the State to supply them with any cures or immunization. In fact, merely admitting to an epidemic among tourists would be financial suicide for the true owners of the country. "

"If all goes well, we will have dealt a strong blow against the capitalists, significantly accelerating the manifestation of the contradictions of late-stage capitalism by wreaking financial destruction in the economy and even overwhelming the health care system. This will make the government ripe for downfall."

"Should something go wrong or backfire, we can always blame the Bourgeois themselves. After all, they are the ones building weapons of mass destruction, why would they not release it? We can claim that they intended to use biological weapons against our movement, it simply backfired on them. "

" Now, do we have any useful intelligence about the state of biological weapons research in TurtleShroom? "

[TURTLESHROOM II]

All of the Jacobins were initially taken aback by the brazen suggestion of taking out civilians. Their surprise was visible on all of their faces, but that faded as they comprehended the idea. They had long passed the ideas of morality and protection for civilians, especially foreigners.

"Biological weapons of mass destruction?" the Tsao human opened, stroking his beard.

The other Jacobins began similar motions as they thought about that. The more vocally dominant twin was the first to speak.

"TurtleShroom's biological weapons of mass destruction ain't much to write home 'bout. The main goal of them bio-weapons is similar to what muhstud gas does: overload hospitals, crowd emergency rooms, and use that to cause both deaths and casualties. Having dealt with war before, ya'll are surely aware of the functional difference between mustud gas and, say, chlorine gas. Alone, muhstud gas ain't always lethal, but when you throw it on everyone and they all end up in the hospital, things get bad real quick. About the only bio-weapon TurtleShroom has that kills is anthrax."

Then, the Japanese human spoke of what he recalled.

"Eighty years ago, TurtleShroom developed the use of Glanders' Disease as a biological WMD. Although it normally infects horses, mules, and donkeys, it can also make humans sick and causes great suffering. After TurtleShroom underwent the military reforms undertaken by the Fascist Servants, calvary was eliminated and the weapons essentially became stockpile-only. TurtleShroom has never deployed a Glanders' Diease bomb in any form, aside from testing. Rumor has it that the germs are engineered to incubate and manifest their symptoms more quickly!"

The second twin continued.

"Bio-weapons against the sentient turtle population ain't very effective. They are still in the early stages. Like my brothuh said, it's similar to mustud gas. The purpose of them is ta' overload the hospitals and cause catastrophic shortages of medicine and doctuhs. What they do against turtles is Wet Ulcerative Shell Disease: ya'll might know it as 'shell rot'. Deaths by shell rot in TurtleShroom are unheard of, because shell rot's easily cured with Betadine, followed by antibiotics. Shell rot can be fungal or bacterial; TurtleShroom uses the bacterial type. Again, the purpose is to swarm hospitals with patients, not to kill 'em insantly. For mushrooms, conventional fungicide is deployed. Unlike most countries, any fungicide that can harm a mushroom is a maximum grade controlled substance, to only be used by professionals in hazmat suits. No layman can get their hands on it if it can harm a mushroom. Only anti-mold and such products are sold to the public."

They paused as the Tsao human spoke again.

"However, the biological weapon you are most familiar with in this country is the salmonella bomb. Salmonella bombs, like the shell rot bombs and like mustard gas, exist to overload hospitals and cut off medical supply from the general public. They do exactly what you think they do; they are engineered to instantly sicken the person that inhales them and cause them to vomit to the point of dehydration if not aided. This comes at the cause of diluted lethality, outside of said dehydration. In other words, the bomb basically triggers extreme vomiting. Salmonella is the base bacteria they use, but the thing is so advanced that it's hardly the same organism, to be frank. It's spread by inhaling."

The first twin resumed his role in the discussion.

"Ya'll picked a terrible place to propose a biological weapon attack. TurtleShroom barely has any anthrax stores, and those that are there are of whereabouts unknown. The salmonella bombs are publically known, but the bourgouise's use of them recently has caused a massive surge in vaccines and awareness, so they'd do pretty much nothin'."

He asked for and was handed a map, which he unfurled.

"Our intelligence suggests that them bourgouise used'ta got Glanduhs bombs there, there, and there. However, with the fuel rods gawn, they's almost certainly been relocated, and we ain't got no information since our patriots were repulsed from the Palace."

The twin rolled up the map.

"Unless ya'll can call in somethin' more technological than what we got, I'd reccomend that you ins-"

His eyes lit up.

"That's it. THAT'S IT!"

The other Jacobins looked to the twin in surprise.

"I cain't believe I hadn't thought of this before! The Fishermen!"

Everyone at the table straightened up a bit as they heard that term. Recognizing that Carlos would not have heard of them, the Tsao human elaborated on the twin's outburst.

"The Fishermen terrorized the City of Litlin for years. They mostly target Asians down in that city, especially us Tsaos, but they also attack the Scarlet Guardsmen- they dress in Enlightenment-era redcoats and tricorns, the epitome of bourgouise arrogance -which are regiments that protect the city and defend its leaders. They use special grappling hooks that smash the skull of their target and deliver an instant, but viciously blood soaked death. It's terrifying to look at! Then, the Fishermen would hang their victims on meat hooks from a tower or big building. Cephas Block consolidated power in Litlin and drove the Fishermen out of his newfound dictatorship, but they may still be around."

The other Jacobins looked really interested as the Tsao Jacobin smirked.

"Long is angry. The Junta is angry. They are terrified of us, and what better way to throw them off guard than to stage an attack from the most horrifying terrorists outside of the Kapitalist Bomber? In fact, if we could situate it right, we might even push the General into bombing a residential area..."

The other Jacobins smiled as well, looking to Carlos.


{ OOC: I'll look into seeing if I can get CC to have the Fishermen interact with Carlos and the Jacobins tomorrow, as of writing. }

[TURTLESHROOM II]

CONSTABLE ON PATROL DEAD, HANGED FROM RAFTERS OF POLICE HQ
DRY DRY DESERT

• CITY OF JONESBORO, TURTLESHROOM

Shock and chaos grip Jonesboro today as the body of Officer Elliot Copper, the Constable On Patrol and leader of the Ministry of the Police, was found dangling from a modified grappling hook, with his neck severed post-mortum. Autopsy reports and intelligence records point to the Jacobins for copying the attacks, as the grappling hooks originated as TurtleShroomian design and origin. In short, authorities see this as a means of spreading terror and demonstrating the underlying weakness of both the Junta and the surviving TurtleShroomian government.

First elected in 1946 AD (during a high point in the TS fascist movement), COP Copper campaigned as a centrist and non-Fascist, against more hardline Fascists. His opponents were mostly backed by the Federal Bureaucracy Board and its leader, Nevel Badnik. Aged one hundred thirty years, COP Copper served in his position with honor and a general hands-off attitude, instead preferring the invididual police districts' decisions over his own.

In his youth, he served on anti-organized crime forces in the Ministry of the Enforcement of the Prohibition, and was responsible for breaking at least one major crime family in the country. Ultimately, in the 1930s AD, that cost him a hind leg in a mob hit where his vehicle was detonated, which gave way to the signature wheel affixed to his now scarred shell.

In the 1946 AD election, COP Copper campaigned on a promise to not reform or lessen enforcement of TurtleShroomian anti-sodomy laws, though he considered sexuality to be a "minor issue". The landmark "Men & Men v. All Things Good and Decent" Supreme Court case the prior year deemed homosexual attractions and confessing one's sexuality to another to be an offense that cannot be acted on by the government, nor criminalized. COP Copper surprised many by affirming the case as an example of both Christian mercy and state limitations, and convinced many to support it over time.

Copper's primary focus, although he affirmed the stance on sex laws, was cracking down on drugs and fraud in both the Great Pension and throughout the government. A fierce opponent of corruption, COP Copper was well-known for being fearless. Copper was one of the most vocal proponents of the death penalty and sided with the Fascists routinely on harsher prison sentences and penal labor.

Copper was re-elected in 1959 AD, in which he ran unopposed and captured high supermajorities of the population. However, with the ratification of the Twenty Sixth Amendment to the Constitution, his term limits were extended to sixteen years.
Without opposition, COP Copper easily won re-election in 1975 AD, 1991 AD (where he shocked many by supporting the opening of the country a year later, which nearly triggered enough signatures to win a Recall in 1993 AD), and 2007 AD. In 2008 AD, the term limits for his post were again extended, this time to thirty years.

COP Copper will be buried next to his parents and brothers outside the CROBOTS Church of the Really Big Iconostasis, located in the City of Max's Pass. Visitation will begin on June 28th and will until August 4th of this year.

COP Copper was active in his church and, since 1993 AD, never missed a service. He was a member of the church choir and especially enjoyed chanting the Lord's Prayer; the Disciple Peter was his favorite Icon to carry with him. He was a candidate for the Order of PWN-age and the Chancellery Golden "T" award in 2012 AD, before the invasion ended any ceremonies.

Having taken a vow of celibacy when he first joined the MEP, Copper is survived by no children, but one nieces and seven nephews, ten great-nieces and one great-nephew, fifteen great-great nieces and seven great-great nephews, and thirty two great-great-great offspring. Preceding him in death are his mother and father, all three of his brothers and both of his sisters, seventeen nieces, ten great-nieces and two great-nephews, and one great-great niece.

-Dry Dry Digest Press