The Infinites - The Lamest Heroes (Supers/Comedy/CLOSED)- IC

by **Talchyon** » Wed May 24, 2017 1:58 pm

The 45th floor of the Zeke Enterprises skyscraper bldg.
Glitch

So like, I was like totally bummered that there actually was no party, and it was just, some world domination attempts an' all. I mean, come on! At least someone could have brought chips and salsa. But like, I don't even know if we have that or not. Dude. Sucks to be us.

An' like, the evil head honcho of them all was like a cat. An' he could talk, an' other stuff. Like, dude, it's not the first time I met a talking cat. Long story. All I can say now is that the last talking cat I met only wanted to talk about like, cat grooming. So I guess they come in all kinds.

Just then, Donut-Guy had an idea!

"Donut-guy dude! That's a great idea! I'll do my best, yuh know!" And like, I could tell by the anvil wrecking everything that he had just told like a joke or somethin', but I was kind of spacin' in my zone so I didn't really catch the punch line. Oh well. It was probably a classic. I'll have him tell me it sometime, like when I get my anvil protection suit on an' all.

So like, there I was. An' I could see like Captain Cosine-inator toss the all-essential power cord to Hypoxia, so she could keep it away from the bad evil guys? Dude. And I was on a mission to will the crazy-high tech, techno-doodads around me into fritzing. So I was like all, thinking and stuff. It was a great experience, man. I should do it again. But like, I couldn't tell if it was workin' or not. And there was like a guard coming towards me with his like fully automatically manual minirailroadgun that shot some kind of ammo and like killed people, an' all. So he was all, combat moves and I was all, slick back an' I can handle this. I am a superhero, even if the comic book companies haven't printed about me yet.

When the guard came running at me, dude, I waited 'til like the last second, and then tripped the guy. And he fell into that hole made by Donut-Guy's anvil. Ah yeah. I got this.

Dude. I ran up to like the high-tech... techie-ma-bob thingie (that's like the official name an' all), and not knowing if it was going to fritz or not, I just like, starting kicking it. And it made like a hollow strained kind of "ding" sound. Maybe that's how you take down tech. I usually don't take down tech. On purpose. Just bad guys.

by **The Assorted Saharan Outposts** » Wed May 24, 2017 2:13 pm

Suddenly, Hypoxia, who was running towards the cows now, was rather surprised to see a power cord coke her way. Using her lightning fast super hero instincts, she grabbed the cord and stared at it for a moment, trying to figure out what this thing was for.

The answer had hit her as quick as a bullet (or whatever ammo) from a minirailroadgun, but the answer, thankfully, didn't kill her. This was the power cord to the thingy! To the cow fart thing! Oh goodness she's going to have protect the power cord cow fart thingy! So it'd probably be a good idea to move away from the cows.

So, Hypoxia made a really wide turn and looked around at all the heroes in the room. Oh, and villains. There was also villains. They were separated by a hole in the floor thanks to the anvil dude, but that didn't make her feel safe. They could shoot at her with their minirailroadguns after all. She did not want to get hit with this things. She had to find someone to take this off her hands....

She frantically looks from left to right in order to try and find someone to toss this too. Her eyes fell hoping the guitar crocodile and she smiled. There we go! It's either the country crock was going to protect the cord or eat it. Either was good. So, she chucked the cord towards Country Crock.

"Catch country dude!"

by **Zjaum** » Wed May 24, 2017 2:27 pm

Aubree "Golidilocks" Lincoln
Where do you think?

Aubree listened to the whole monologue of the apparent cat. She spoke up, even though she was overshadowed by the cat. "But wait, that would kill you too! Look, I know you have nine lives, and this would only take off one of them, but you'd still end up living the other eight lives exposed to the sun's radiation, so you'd just die a horrific death nine times over! Honestly, I'd be fine just living once!... Nobody's listening to me. Eh, that's fine. Henry would agree."

Aubree suddenly had the urge to pass gas again. She knew that it would be the perfect opportunity to wait until the doomsday clock struck 0. Then the cows would mask both the smell and the sound. When the timer announced 0, she let loose. She was surprised to hear nothing but silence from the doomsday device... "Oops."

She tried to pretend like nothing happened and that she wasn't crying inside from embarrassment, although the smell really didn't seem to help. She suddenly found herself free from the bonds of orange light, only to find a number of armed guards in metal start rushing towards her. She stood up and ran towards one of the guards, making a fist and punching the nearest guard. She staggered back, her hand red from pain. "Ah, son of a- that hurt really bad!"

The guard cracked his knuckles. "Yeah, that's what happens when you punch a metal man." He made a fist and returned the punch. He staggered back, his hand red with pain. "Ah, son of a- that hurt really bad!"

Aubree finished staggering back. "Yeah, that's what happens when you punch a metal woman." She paused. "I don't think this is going to work for either of us."

The guard responded. "Yeah; it's kinda like the Monitor and the Merrimack."

Aubree smiled, getting the historical reference. "So... I'm pretty sure we'd both lose our jobs if we just stopped fighting. How do you want to do this, then?"

"Actually, the robotic suits have really fun games programmed into them, for when we're on break or get really bored!" The guard flipped open a compartment on his armor, revealing a touchpad. It was a little glitchy from the punch, but otherwise in good condition. "Hey, since we talked about famous battleships, do you want to play Battleship?"

"Sounds fun! Winner walks home in defeat?" Aubree replied.

"Sure, but best two out of three, okay?" the guard stated.

The two of them sat down and started playing Battleship with each other, two metal hulks playing with metal hulks, in "the [MOST EPIC] fights of all fights."

Henry "Blimp Man" Hinshaw
Outside the Big Tall Tower

Henry was confused. He was free from his bonds, but there wasn't any sign of impending doom or apocalypse. All that he heard was a fart noise, one that clearly came from Aubree, as well as incessant monologuing and shouting. Yet again, curiosity got the better of him, and he floated back up to the 45th floor. Looking through the broken glass window, he saw what could only be described as "chaos." A bunch of cowardly heroes hiding next to cows, men in metal suits scrambling everywhere, and... was that a game of Battleship?... anyway, Henry saw an opportunity to wreak havoc, and he took it. Still outside the window, he took out a number of finger rockets, of all sorts. He didn't have any that corroded metal, but he did have a number that could annoy the heck-fire out of anyone. He decided to target the people who weren't heavily involved with the fighting, namely the guards who were just standing there with nothing to do. He began firing potshots through the window. The guards tried ignoring it, but things soon became unbearable. They all ran over to the window, but Henry had unleashed a flour finger rocket, covering the window area with flour. The guards couldn't see, making their target much harder to shoot. Meanwhile, Henry didn't have any preference as to who to hit, so his targets were quite numerous. Finger rockets flew in through the flour, carrying eye irritants, pressurized water, and a whole slew of other things. Henry quite enjoyed trolling the guards, especially since he knew that they couldn't retaliate. It was going to be a fun half-hour.

by **The Central Shadow Nation** » Wed May 24, 2017 3:00 pm

Country Croc

Country Croc kept on playing the guitar, summoning girls,jeans,beer, and bibles to fight the guards. CC wasn't expecting the chord to be thrown at him, and he opened his mouth to say a "waaaah" in response to Hypoxia's yell.However the chord entered the crocolisks jaw, not catching his teeth as it traveled down his throat. In response, Country Croc yelled, swinging his tail around and trying to cough it out. But it stayed there...After Country Croc realized he wasnt choking, he grabbed a nearby cup and drank its contents-orange drink-and chugging it. After a 'ahhh', he picked up his guitar and hit one of the beer bottles at the guards like he was golfing.

by **Osnil Returns** » Wed May 24, 2017 7:30 pm

Professor Monologue
The villain had dramatic flare and had an epic reveal in his Monologue. A cat, though? Really? But this guy was an amateur compared to Professor Monologue-that was his THING.

Professor M cleared his throat and stared at the cat's eyes. "You think YOU'VE had it rough, Fluffy? You haven't seen anything compared to me. You monologue like an idiot. This is how a REAL . . ." DUN DUN DUN ". . . EVIL MONOLOGUE is done!"

He cracked his knuckles and began, "Hello, I'm Professor Monologue. I'm here to trap you in order to . . . TAKE OVER MINNESOTA!" He began laughing evilly. "Anyway, my dark and devious life began with the Scarecrow Tax. The government decided it needed more money than it already wasted every year. So, some beauracrat decided that people should be taxed for their scarecrows. And if you were poor, your Scarecrow was repossessed by the Government. My family was a very poor family, so we couldn't pay the tax. The Scarecrow Collector repossessed our Scarecrow." He shed a crocodile tear momentarily, then continued. "My father, realizing that the crows would get the corn without his scarecrow, forced ME to dress up like a scarecrow day and night to keep the crows away. If I so much as moved, he would pour hay down my shirt leaving me with itches for weeks. In fact, I still feel some of them." He stopped in order to scratch an itch in his back. "And in those times I was fueled with hatred toward the government. I wanted to start a revolution, but my goody-two-shoes sister did that before I could. She even had the Scarecrow Collectors be public scarecrows after she took over the government and set up some crappy Capitalist system." He snarled at the images of his sister, a renown world leader, being praised by EVERYONE.

"After that, I decided to revolt against my sister's rule. Unfortunately, she managed to inspire loyalty among ALL of the people, even the evildoers. I fled the country until I came to a place that I could take over. Unfortunately, a villain sued me in the Court of Evil for copyright infringement. So, I came here to Minnesota to take it over and rule it."

That was how you did a Monologue.

by **Talchyon** » Wed May 24, 2017 8:34 pm

The 45th Floor of Zeke Enterprises
The guards

The one playing Battleship with Aubrey took awhile to get the program up and running. "Just a little longer, then we can get on with this."

One got hit by a full beer bottle golfed over by CC's guitar. It thudded across his armor, and fell to the ground. Apparently, there was no damage. The guard kicked the beer bottle back at CC.

Many were affected by Blimp-Man's eye irritants, pressurized water, and fireworks that erupted from his finger rockets. One guard, blinded by the eye irritants, turned his gun in the general direction of Blimp Man and fired a full burst of hot lead. Not bullets. Literally heated lead. It didn't tend to fly through the air very well, however, so it ended up in a big heaping pile on the floor, which started to smoke and catch on fire.

The guard tripped by Glitch into the hole made by the PUN-isher hit the anvil that had somehow lodged into the floor below. He cracked his armor, and rolled to the side, in obvious pain. His words were quite revealing about how he felt about it. "Ow," he said.

Coathangerman

Osnil Returns wrote:Professor Monologue
The villain had dramatic flare and had an epic reveal in his Monologue. A cat, though? Really? But this guy was an amateur compared to Professor Monologue-that was his THING.

Professor M cleared his throat and stared at the cat's eyes. "You think YOU'VE had it rough, Fluffy? You haven't seen anything compared to me. You monologue like an idiot. This is how a REAL . . ." DUN DUN DUN ". . . EVIL MONOLOGUE is done!"

He cracked his knuckles and began, "Hello, I'm Professor Monologue. I'm here to trap you in order to . . . TAKE OVER MINNESOTA!" He began laughing evilly. "Anyway, my dark and devious life began with the Scarecrow Tax. The government decided it needed more money than it already wasted every year. So, some beauracrat decided that people should be taxed for their scarecrows. And if you were poor, your Scarecrow was repossessed by the Government. My family was a very poor family, so we couldn't pay the tax. The Scarecrow Collector repossessed our Scarecrow." He shed a crocodile tear momentarily, then continued. "My father, realizing that the crows would get the corn without his scarecrow, forced ME to dress up like a scarecrow day and night to keep the crows away. If I so much as moved, he would pour hay down my shirt leaving me with itches for weeks. In fact, I still feel some of them." He stopped in order to scratch an itch in his back. "And in those times I was fueled with hatred toward the government. I wanted to start a revolution, but my goody-two-shoes sister did that before I could. She even had the Scarecrow Collectors be public scarecrows after she took over the government and set up some crappy Capitalist system." He snarled at the images of his sister, a renown world leader, being praised by EVERYONE.

"After that, I decided to revolt against my sister's rule. Unfortunately, she managed to inspire loyalty among ALL of the people, even the evildoers. I fled the country until I came to a place that I could take over. Unfortunately, a villain sued me in the Court of Evil for copyright infringement. So, I came here to Minnesota to take it over and rule it."

That was how you did a Monologue.

"So apparently that guy who had sparked this monologue challenge was over there in the corner trying to say something. I don't know exactly what he was saying, something about being itchy or something. I don't know. He was going on about something while I was swinging coathangers at guards, and it was just... there. I guess. Whatever it wa he was talking about. It was also really hard to hear with all those cows that suddenly started mooing loudly. There was so much cattle noise, I couldn't hear anything he was really trying to say..."

Shouting above the cattle noises, I yelled at Diet Cola, "HEY! You going to help save the world too?" Excellent. If the villains are fighting the bad guys, that must make them... the good guys. What a weird, twisted world we live in.

There was a barrage of beer bottles, jeans, boots, and some random honky-tonk girls who liked line dancing that showed up all of a sudden. Coathangerman lost his balance because he got tangled up in several pairs of jeans. He fell to the ground with a thud. Thud. That was that particular thud. He then had an idea. He called out to CC, "Hey, Country Croc! Can you summon me up a pickup? Something with huge tires or something? I got an idea!" But that idea would have to wait, because just then, two guards descended upon him. And at the same time, thick clouds of eye irritation gas from Blimp Man surrounded him. He had to close his eyes. Be blind. But still try to swing his coathangers.

Doc Bur-Ock

With four guards approaching him, the bureaucratic villain sneered. He had this. He reached into his costume pocket and pulled out - a stack of forms. "Here. Before you attack me, you have to fill out all these papers. Read them over five times, and make sure you look at the fine print. Then, sign them in triplicate, and get them notarized, and pay the small thousand dollar processing fee, and then you can wait at least a month, before you're approved to attack." He sneered again. And then asked about their insurance providers and credit card numbers.

The four guards looked at each other, and then one by one, powered down their armor, stepped out, fumbled around in their pockets for the correct I.D., and then sat down with a borrowed pen to fill out their forms.

"Gets them every time," Doc Bur-Ock thought to himself. "Wait. What's this?" Doc Bur-Ock saw the melee of finger rockets fired from Blimp Man, even as he spotted Aubrey playing electronic Battleship with one of the guards. One of the rockets headed his way, and a blast of pressurized water shot him across the room, slamming him against the walls.

Mr. Big

The perennially overweight, angry and bitter cat looked at the melee. And glared. The world should already be destroyed! The gas amplifiers were primed and ready to go - except for that Captain Calculator and his group of Minnesota Infinites. NO. No no no no!

Dodging the other cats, shot out by Mikhael's kitten cannon before his monologue started, Mr. Big ignored the challenger in this evil monologue competition who actually thought he could top his own. Fortunately, every single other person in the room was also ignoring him. The guards were fighting the heroes and villains. Most of them were getting beat, too. And that power cord that was needed to power the gas amplifiers had been tossed about, from one hero to the next, until that horrible country singer had up and SWALLOWED the thing! Now what was he going to do? It's not like he could plug the crocodile in, right?

Right?

Hmm. Maybe...

No. No way. He was going to have to go with PLAN B! Since the power cord was gone, they needed a new power source. And he had just the thing!

So he telepathethically sent a command to some of the other soldiers who were near one of the portals. "WE ARE MOVING TO PLAN B! PLAN B! BRING IN THE DULL KNIFE, THE BREAD AND THE BUTTER!" Good thing he had planned for a backup power source. Wouldn't the heroes just love this?

by **Zanera** » Wed May 24, 2017 10:31 pm

Pill-OW!
Zeke Enterprises
The Legendary Battle That Wasn't Legendary Yet Because It Was Still Happening And There Was No Point In Documenting It Currently Of The 45th Floor

Pill-OW! had scrambled heroically atop the cow. He couldn't get it to fart otherwise. The machine wasn't plugged in. The Country Croc was currently on that tangent of the fight, as no villain would ever thing to stick their hands in a crocodile's mouth! People did that and also stuck their heads in crocodile's mouths. It was crazy! This fight was crazy. It was hard to not look up from Pill-OW!'s current labor of heroism when an avil crashed through the floor. Others were certainly more successful than Pill-OW! lately. Pill-OW! had moved this cow, but he failed as a hero. He could not make it fart.

Just when Pill-OW! was about to give up and let the world fall to the cows, he almost died.

A guard shot hot lead at him. Pill-OW! was able to deflect...well, catch it with his pillow. The power of the villainous lead overpowered his meek pillow, his humble weapon of kitten-, people-, and Pill-OW!'s head-saving. He threw the pillow, hoping the hot lead would fly away from him. If his costume could not protect him from malevolent dung, it would not protect him from villainous, and very hot, lead. The lead flew away.

Two inches to the left and straight down away onto the bionic diaper.

The cow farted and gave a very large moo. It bucked, and suddenly charged forward, straight for the wall. "I CAN'T STOP THIS FARTING COW!" shouted Pill-OW!.

It did not hit the wall. Instead, Pill-OW! hit the wall, body flipped vertical, and Pill-OW! noted how much his butt suddenly hurt. A pillow appeared before his head hit the wall, so unfortunately Pill-OW! had to experience the malicious actions of the bovine. It wasn't so bad.

The cow turned away from the wall and started trotting away. Then it spotted a guard and charged. The guard experienced the same thing as Pill-OW!, rolling on the floor, same as Pill-OW!, rubbing his very hurt butt. The hero decided to get up to make a speech, inspired by the clashing of the cow.

"Villainy strikes heroism, relentlessly, nor does this villainy know any bounds, for sometimes villainy stand against villainy, and HOLY COW, is that what cow farts smell like?"

Pill-OW! got a double-dosage of cow fart and powder, holding a pillow into his face. He heard a new person talking and looked up, eyes stinging. Then he noticed the cat...talking?

And it was evil?

Pill-OW! stood there processing which side was which all of a sudden, while Plan B was being executed...

by **The Central Shadow Nation** » Thu May 25, 2017 11:27 am

Country Croc grabbed his guitar, playing it more. He waved some gas away, using his guitar. He eventually hit a tune and a large pickup truck just fell from the sky, hitting the two guard's in front of Coathangerman. He didn't really know what to do with Coathangerman's vision though. "I got the pickup ready. Ain't got a clue about your vision though..."

Fruitbat

Fruitbat grabbed two pieces of bubble gum berries. He smacked his hands together, creating a screen of pink gum. He lunged at one of the guards, wrapping it around it's head before sticking another piece into the gun so he couldn't shoot blindly.

Fruitbat did a backflip, however he was horrible at those and wasn't actually that athletic. He hit his head at a table and leaned forward, scratching his head in pain. "Ach!"

by **The Last Abode of Pando** » Thu May 25, 2017 1:13 pm

Florida Man
Joshua James
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGghhhhhhhhh! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggghhhhhhhhh! Aaaaagh! Get it off! Aaagh!" Perhaps I should back up a bit. After seeing the cat come out, Joshua was distracted by his own thoughts about the history of Florida Man. Somehow he could remember everything that had happened to all the Florida Mans. He didn't notice the first cow now out of its stall, come to think of it, no one else noticed it either. He was standing there, lost in thought, when the guards came in spewing hot lead whithersoever. They saw the first cow out, and seemed a little bit confused. This group of guards looked over at their partner, who was playing battleship with the gold lady, instead of fighting and following orders. 'Oh well,' one of them thought, 'we're supposed to shoot up the people up here. This guy doesn't have armor, he'll be easy to take down.' Through some means, this guard got his message to the others around him. They started shooting at Florida Man with the hot lead. That gets everything caught up, right? Good. After being covered in hot lead, one of the eye irritant finger rockets came and hit his face. Now Florida Man was in even more pain.

Pai'ea and Aesculapius
Being in the stalls, the guards hadn't thought of looking where the twins were yet. That notion was supported further by the fact that there was a wax shield around the first row of stalls, where the twins were not. Pai'ea came up with a way to escape the tech diaper. However, Pai'ea's was was incredibly dumb, so dumb in fact, that it wasn't even worthy of mentioning in the Minnesota Infinites.

Aesculapius slapped him hard on the back of the head, saying, "I need Ed back! So, Ed, do you have any ideas?"

"Ideas for what, exactly."

"Ideas of how to escape from this ... thing."

Ed, looking down, said, "Um. Nope. Sorry. How about we just go over to the side of the stall, and you slice it up with your sword."

"Yeah, that might work."

While Aesculapius was hacking away at the gate, unbeknownst to them, the lead being shot from the weapons transformed into

tin. Not the lead that had already been shot. Just the lead that had yet to have been shot. Aesculapius finally chopped his way through the wood, and the twins escaped, still wearing the tech diaper. They headed back toward the rest of the people, crocodiles, and cats.

by **The Assorted Saharan Outposts** » Mon May 29, 2017 8:41 am

Okay, everything was happening far too fast for Hypoxia to comprehend. First there was missiles coming down from balloon man, which was weird, but also pretty cool. She didn't have missiles! She needed some missiles. She could blow missiles out of her mouth or something. That's be super cool!

Anyways, Hypoxia had a hard time avoiding the missiles of explodey exploding-ness, but she managed. Unfortunately her powers weren't very effective on land. She's like Aquaman, but not as cool. Oh! She should try to be Aquaman's sidekick! She'd be perfect for the job! ...Aquaman doesn't have a sidekick, does he? If so, they're pretty forgettable. Though Aquaman as a whole was pretty forgettable.

MOVING ON!

Hypoxia would then see the giant pick up truck fall from the sky, falling as fast as my attempt to make a metaphor. Of course, she was a bit upset. She should be able to spawn pick up trucks too. Like, blow them out or something. Like a balloon animal. She could be balloon animal girl and make things with balloon animals! The bad guys would tremble in fear! Yeah, she'd have to focus on that once she beat the world record.

I SAID MOVING ON!

Not wanting to get shout at again, Hypoxia then ran towards coat hanger dude. Hey, she wanted a ride in the big truck! That looked fun!

"Can I catch a ride?" Hypoxia asked as she ran towards the truck. "I call shotgun if I can!"

by **Talchyon** » Mon May 29, 2017 2:36 pm

45th Floor of Zeke Enterprises skyscraper
The guards

Zanera wrote:
Pill-OW!
Zeke Enterprises
The Legendary Battle That Wasn't Legendary Yet Because It Was Still Happening And There Was No Point In Documenting It Currently Of The 45th Floor

Pill-OW! had scrambled heroically atop the cow. He couldn't get it to fart otherwise. The machine wasn't plugged in. The Country Croc was currently on that tangent of the fight, as no villain would ever thing to stick their hands in a crocodile's mouth! People did that and also stuck their heads in crocodile's mouths. It was crazy! This fight was crazy. It was hard to not look up from Pill-OW!'s current labor of heroism when an avil crashed through the floor. Others were certainly more successful than Pill-OW! lately. Pill-OW! had moved this cow, but he failed as a hero. He could not make it fart.

Just when Pill-OW! was about to give up and let the world fall to the cows, he almost died.

A guard shot hot lead at him. Pill-OW! was able to deflect...well, catch it with his pillow. The power of the villainous lead overpowered his meek pillow, his humble weapon of kitten-, people-, and Pill-OW!'s head-saving. He threw the pillow, hoping the hot lead would fly away from him. If his costume could not protect him from malevolent dung, it would not protect him from villainous, and very hot, lead. The lead flew away.

Two inches to the left and straight down away onto the bionic diaper.

The cow farted and gave a very large moo. It bucked, and suddenly charged forward, straight for the wall. "I CAN'T STOP THIS FARTING COW!" shouted Pill-OW!.

It did not hit the wall. Instead, Pill-OW! hit the wall, body flipped vertical, and Pill-OW! noted how much his butt suddenly hurt. A pillow appeared before his head hit the wall, so unfortunately Pill-OW! had to experience the malicious actions of the bovine. It wasn't so bad.

The cow turned away from the wall and started trotting away. Then it spotted a guard and charged. The guard experienced the same thing as Pill-OW!, rolling on the floor, same as Pill-OW!, rubbing his very hurt butt. The hero decided to get up to make a speech, inspired by the clashing of the cow.

"Villainy strikes heroism, relentlessly, nor does this villainy know any bounds, for sometimes villainy stand against villainy, and HOLY COW, is that what cow farts smell like?"

Pill-OW! got a double-dosage of cow fart and powder, holding a pillow into his face. He heard a new person talking and looked up, eyes stinging. Then he noticed the cat...talking?

And it was evil?

Pill-OW! stood there processing which side was which all of a sudden, while Plan B was being executed...

It was hard to know which was worse - having your eyes irritated by a cloud of gas shot by finger rockets. Or having to breathe in the cloud of stench of the first flatulated cow, minus the tech diaper now melted in a pile of gray-looking goo. Problem was, both clouds had descended upon the 45th floor of the Zeke Enterprises building. Which makes for an interesting fight scene.

Half of the guards were overcome by the stench and/or the eye irritants and/or the fireworks and/or the pressurized water and/or the whole slew of other things shot by Blimp Man and/or all of this together, and/or and/ors. Those who had been foolish enough to not equip their robo-armored goggles, robo-armored noseguards, robo-armored fireworks prevention measures, robo-armored water depressurizers, and all around robo-armored hero and villain counteractives, fell to the floor. They were rubbing their burning eyes, blowing their burning noses, trying to activate their burning robo-armored water depressurizers (ok, actually they weren't burning, but I like repetition). All in all, rendered pretty useless.

The other half though, they were ready. Prepared. Expecting such actions. Like Boy Scouts mindful of their motto. And all around just as dangerous as they were before.

The one with Goldilocks (Aubry) had the battleship game ready to decide who would be the victor between them. He said, "Ok. Um, D4?"

The one whose armor had cracked by falling on the PUN-isher's anvil (thanks to Glitch tripping him) did his best to try to piece together his armor that had cracked. He wasn't getting anywhere, but hey, he could fake robotic mechanics and engineering if it meant he didn't have to face the Infinites and Villains. Suddenly the man began to rethink his career choices.

The one fighting Fruitbat scowled, and tried to remove the bubble gum berry off his head and out of his gun. He wasn't having much success.

The one fighting Pill-OW gagged as he was at ground zero for the cattle flatulence. He began to vomit - straight at Pill-OW.

The two the truck fell on survived. But they realized they didn't care about full retirement and dental benefits from Zeke Enterprises if they were going to have to keep fighting. So they just tried to pull themselves out of the way, and act nonchalant.

Coathangerman

Coathangerman was thrilled to see that CC had come through getting him a pickup truck. Even though the truck was technically two colors (dirt and rust) and the tires of the truck were as tall as him, and that the truck needed a small stepladder to get into - it was perfect! "Thanks, CC! You may listen to some pretty regrettable music choices, but you're alright in my book!"

Just then, he heard Hypoxia ask to ride along. "You got it, Toots! Hop in! Or maybe I better get that extra stepladder to help you climb up." So, finagling with the stepladder, Coathangerman got her up and into it.

Going around the truck and climbing in the window (to make it country-esque), Coathangerman was actually pleased to see that there was no key in the ignition. Taking out one of his trusty wire coathangers, he bent in in a few places, and then made a makeshift hot-wire. The truck coughed and sputtered to life. The kind of life comparable to a person in a hospital that has to wear a pressurized oxygen mask everywhere. But the truck was at least idling. He put it in gear, strapped in and made sure Hypoxia did too, and then said, "What's the one thing most tech designers don't think of happening to their tech? Getting plowed into on a highway. Cranking it as hard as he could, Coathangerman tried to get up enough speed from Ol' Rusty to get up to ramming speed. His target? The tech machine that would take the cattle flatulence collected in the tech diapers, and expand it into utter destruction. Coathangerman figured, without that machine, Mr. Big can't do anything.

Getting the old rust bucket he was driving up to ramming speed to do enough damage to it, however, would take a little bit of time.

Mr. Big and his evil brainwashed henchmen

The guard (who was goggled, nose-guarded, had his water depressurizers and fireworks prevention measures up and running, thank you very much) came back with a dull knife, bread, and butter, as ordered. He brought it over to Mr. Big. And started buttering up four slices of bread.

The cat smiled - an evil, sinister smile that left everyone thinking of psychotic insane people (or Lindsay Lohan, whichever came to mind first). And he began to talk - again over the loudspeakers so everyone could hear...

"VILLAINS! I'M A MAN OF MY WORD. OK, I'M NOT A MAN. YOU KNOW THAT. BUT WHAT I MEANT TO SAY WAS THAT WHEN I MAKE A PROMISE, LIKE THAT PROMISE I MADE TO PAY YOU EACH $250,000 IN LEGAL CURRENCY, I KEEP MY PROMISES! TOO BAD YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO SPEND IT!"

And the ceiling slid open with high tech gizmo-doohickies. And suddenly, from the ceiling, it was raining a torrential downpour of pennies. At least $250,000 worth of pennies for every villain there. The pennies piled onto everyone - except Mr. Big and the few guards who were with him! And he laughed over the loudspeaker, "HA HA HA HA!"

The next thing Mr. Big said over the loudspeaker was directed to the heroes, now also buried under pennies. "INFINITES! YOU TOOK OUT MY POWER CORD THAT I WAS NEEDING TO GET MY EVIL PLAN TO COMPLETION! BUT YOU DIDN'T REALIZE I HAD A BACKUP POWER SUPPLY! BEHOLD - A WORK OF GENIUS!

"EVERYONE KNOWS THAT WHEN A CAT IS DROPPED, WE ALWAYS LAND ON OUR FEET! AND EVERYONE ALSO KNOWS THAT IF YOU ALSO DROP A PIECE OF BUTTERED BREAD ON THE GROUND, IT ALWAYS LANDS BUTTER SIDE-DOWN. SOOOOOOOOOOO....... IF YOU PUT BUTTERED BREAD ON A CAT'S FEET, THE CAT WON'T BE ABLE TO FALL AND THE BREAD WON'T BE ABLE TO FALL. INSTEAD, THE CAT WILL TURN AROUND AND AROUND! WELL, YOU PUT THAT CAT WITH THE BUTTERED BREAD IN A SPECIAL MACHINE I INVENTED THAT HARNESSES THE MOVEMENTS, AND YOU HAVE AN UNLIMITED POWER SUPPLY! HA HA HA HA!"

Just then, the guard who had the buttered bread brought it over, and said, "Uh, Boss? What if we put the bread like on your back or something, instead of your feet? You know, like the butter side would go up and not touch your back, and then leave your feet alone? Wouldn't that do it too?"

Mr. Big lost his smile. "What?! No, you idiot! The buttered side has to be up and covering my feet, facing up. Because otherwise, the butter side and my feet would both be equally pulling to land, and the end result would be me blowing up in a spectacular display of nuclear fission!"

The guard was a little slow on the uptake, and said, "No, Boss, I think it would work. Why don't we try it?"

Mr. Big screamed, "No! It won't work! I'm the mastermind here!"

By then, another guard came by and started agreeing with his colleague. "Yeah, boss, I think Kevin has it. We should try to put the bread on your back, with the butter facing up..." And the two guards tried to untangle some straps they would use on their boss to attach the bread to him.

Was it going to be the bread on the back, buttered side up, like the guards wanted? Or the bread on the feet, with the cat standing in the butter, as Mr. Big insisted?

FIND OUT IN OUR STUNNING CONCLUSION TO THIS BATTLE IN THE OP'S NEXT POST!

by **Zanera** » Mon May 29, 2017 3:43 pm

Talchyon wrote:45th Floor of Zeke Enterprises skyscraper
The guards

Zanera wrote:
Pill-OW!
Zeke Enterprises
The Legendary Battle That Wasn't Legendary Yet Because It Was Still Happening And There Was No Point In Documenting It Currently Of The 45th Floor

Pill-OW! had scrambled heroically atop the cow. He couldn't get it to fart otherwise. The machine wasn't plugged in. The Country Croc was currently on that tangent of the fight, as no villain would ever thing to stick their hands in a crocodile's mouth! People did that and also stuck their heads in crocodile's mouths. It was crazy! This fight was crazy. It was hard to not look up from Pill-OW!'s current labor of heroism when an avil crashed through the floor. Others were certainly more successful than Pill-OW! lately. Pill-OW! had moved this cow, but he failed as a hero. He could not make it fart.

Just when Pill-OW! was about to give up and let the world fall to the cows, he almost died.

A guard shot hot lead at him. Pill-OW! was able to deflect...well, catch it with his pillow. The power of the villainous lead overpowered his meek pillow, his humble weapon of kitten-, people-, and Pill-OW!'s head-saving. He threw the pillow, hoping the hot lead would fly away from him. If his costume could not protect him from malevolent dung, it would not protect him from villainous, and very hot, lead. The lead flew away.

Two inches to the left and straight down away onto the bionic diaper.

The cow farted and gave a very large moo. It bucked, and suddenly charged forward, straight for the wall. "I CAN'T STOP THIS FARTING COW!" shouted Pill-OW!.

It did not hit the wall. Instead, Pill-OW! hit the wall, body flipped vertical, and Pill-OW! noted how much his butt suddenly hurt. A pillow appeared before his head hit the wall, so unfortunately Pill-OW! had to experience the malicious actions of the bovine. It wasn't so bad.

The cow turned away from the wall and started trotting away. Then it spotted a guard and charged. The guard experienced the same thing as Pill-OW!, rolling on the floor, same as Pill-OW!, rubbing his very hurt butt. The hero decided to get up to make a speech, inspired by the clashing of the cow.

"Villainy strikes heroism, relentlessly, nor does this villainy know any bounds, for sometimes villainy stand against villainy, and HOLY COW, is that what cow farts smell like?"

Pill-OW! got a double-dosage of cow fart and powder, holding a pillow into his face. He heard a new person talking and looked up, eyes stinging. Then he noticed the cat...talking?

And it was evil?

Pill-OW! stood there processing which side was which all of a sudden, while Plan B was being executed...

It was hard to know which was worse - having your eyes irritated by a cloud of gas shot by finger rockets. Or having to breathe in the cloud of stench of the first flatulated cow, minus the tech diaper now melted in a pile of gray-looking goo. Problem was, both clouds had descended upon the 45th floor of the Zeke Enterprises building. Which makes for an interesting fight scene.

Half of the guards were overcome by the stench and/or the eye irritants and/or the fireworks and/or the pressurized water and/or the whole slew of other things shot by Blimp Man and/or all of this together, and/or and/ors. Those who had been foolish enough to not equip their robo-armored goggles, robo-armored noseguards, robo-armored fireworks prevention measures, robo-armored water depressurizers, and all around robo-armored hero and villain counteractives, fell to the floor. They were rubbing their burning eyes, blowing their burning noses, trying to activate their burning robo-armored water depressurizers (ok, actually they weren't burning, but I like repetition). All in all, rendered pretty useless.

The other half though, they were ready. Prepared. Expecting such actions. Like Boy Scouts mindful of their motto. And all around just as dangerous as they were before.

The one with Goldilocks (Aubry) had the battleship game ready to decide who would be the victor between them. He said, "Ok. Um, D4?"

The one whose armor had cracked by falling on the PUN-isher's anvil (thanks to Glitch tripping him) did his best to try to piece together his armor that had cracked. He wasn't getting anywhere, but hey, he could fake robotic mechanics and engineering if it meant he didn't have to face the Infinites and Villains. Suddenly the man began to rethink his career choices.

The one fighting Fruitbat scowled, and tried to remove the bubble gum berry off his head and out of his gun. He wasn't having much success.

The one fighting Pill-OW gagged as he was at ground zero for the cattle flatulence. He began to vomit - straight at Pill-OW.

The two the truck fell on survived. But they realized they didn't care about full retirement and dental benefits from Zeke Enterprises if they were going to have to keep fighting. So they just tried to pull themselves out of the way, and act nonchalant.

FIND OUT IN OUR STUNNING CONCLUSION TO THIS BATTLE IN THE OP'S NEXT POST!

The cow had worked! A guard had found himself blasted with the bri*kha kha HAAAAEEE*lliant smell of cow farts! Pill-OW!, through his heroic actions, had taken down two guards! The cows were now officially the innocent victims of the evil plot, and the cat was the perpetrator! That Egyptian museum was wrong!

Once in the fourth grade Pill-OW! had gone on a field trip to a museum with Egyptian artifacts. The class was either really bored or cowtipping big 2000 year old cat statues. The teacher was in the bathroom with a stomach bug that made bad stuff come out of both ends. The bullies had evilly coerced Pill-OW! into going into a sarcophagus. They closed him in there, and when the teacher was finally done stomach bugging, she had made everyone jump on the bus and leave. Pill-OW!, though, was trapped in the ancient coffin. He stayed in there, overnight, sad, alone, crying, with no food or water or a good place to use the bathroom. He was finally discovered the next day. The worst part about it was that Pill-OW! smelled like 2000 year old dead people for the next three weeks. His parents had used him to scare off a skunk during a camping trip.

Suddenly, the guard Pill-OW! had solemnly and righteously defeated was back in action, projectile vomiting like his teacher did all those years ago, right onto Pill-OW!. It sprayed for a solid minute, an unforeseen mass of sandwich and chips (the smell betrayed it was turkey & cheese with Doritos) getting sprayed villainously all over Pill-OW! He dropped on the floor writhing and bouncing around like a fish on dry land, muttering," I'm a hero. I'm a hero. I'm a hero."

Suddenly, he ceiling opened, betraying the cat's penny-supply. It suppressed Pill-OW!'s lethargic flopping villainously, and overcoming a ton of penny-sized pinpricks of pain, Pill-OW! heroicly slid out of the penny-pile with the help of the projectile vomit. The heroic plot to end the villainous plot was failing. The pennies had done there damage. They were on the verge of lo-"IS THAT A MONSTER TRUCK!? THAT'S WICKED MAN!"

Suppressing his teenager-like dialogue, Pill-OW! hatched a plan: Shout encouragement!

"Some pennies aren't a match for that big thing! Use the pennies as traction! RAMMING SPEED!"

by **Zjaum** » Mon May 29, 2017 4:01 pm

Aubree "Goldilocks" Lincoln/Henry "Blimp Man" Hinshaw

Aubree waited patiently as the guard set up his board. It was technically her fault that he had such a lot of trouble setting up Battleship anyways, so she just sat and waited. She didn't even speak.

"Ok. Um, D4?" The guard finished setting up and made his move.

Aubree paused. "Um... a hit." How lucky did he have to be to hit my patrol boat at the very start?! Sweating nervously, knowing that losing might very well result in her ejection from the team, she replied, "A2?"

"Miss. E6?"

Meanwhile, Henry was growing a little tired of shooting guards at this point. The guards that he didn't take out on the first few waves of rockets wised up, and he didn't like wasting rockets. Wearing his green shirt (because Steve was better), put on his handy dandy goggles from his backpack (backpack). The hot lead shot at him couldn't catch him if he floated high enough, and Henry sped past the guards with his fan. Upon taking a better look at the chaos inside, he noticed that Aubree was the one playing Battleship. He moved over to the two. "Hey, would you mind if I kibitz for a little?"

Aubree replied with a simple "No. A3."

"Wait, Aubree, YOU NEVER PUT TWO MISSES NEXT TO EACH OTHER! It's a waste of guesses, since the largest ship is two squares wide!"

"I don't need your help, Henry!" replied Aubree, secretly thankful for the advice and taking it into consideration.

"Ah, whatever. Say, do you want my help?" Henry asked, turning to the guard.

"You just saw her board! That'd be cheating!"

Before Henry could retort that he could give advice for a learning experience without revealing the opponent's setup, a massive car began driving around. "Wait, that's a big truck! How did they even get in here?!"

"Or how could they have enough room on this floor to start driving around!"

"I dunno," the guard shrugged. "We should probably move our game to the corner, though."

"Sounds appropriate." stated Aubree. "Henry, please don't follow us, okay?"

"Okay..." Henry acknowledged. He found some sort of cat on a pedestal, and a guard with bread and butter. "BREAD AND BUTTER?!" Henry cried. "THERE IS FOOD AT THIS PARTY!" He grabbed a bag of chips out from his backpack and popped it open. There was going to be a party after all!

The two players had just barely enough time to move their game to the corner when, almost literally, pennies from heaven (shoobie doobie). Simultaneously, both the guard and Aubree shouted out, "We have to save our game! I have a metal body; I can protect you! No wait; just let me do it! Ugh, fine, I'll do it anyway!"

The two of them stood up and hunched over the game, each saving the game from chipping but each accidentally seeing his/her opponent's layout. Aubree was the first to remark: "You just bunched up all your ships in the bottom left corner!"

"You're one to talk! You just made a smiley face with your battleships!"

"...Yeah, you're right, that was pretty stupid."

"Yeah, I guess my layout's the reason why I don't win that much in Battleship."

"Hey, you recommended it!"

"Oh yeah, that's right. Come to think of it, I am pretty incompetent."

They both recalled that they needed to find some way out from under the pennies. Considering that the game was practically a moot point, they cleaned up and stuck the game back in the armor. They started moving their way towards the cat, since that was apparently the only place not drenched in pennies yet. Henry was already over there, trying to party with an apparently uninterested Mr. Big and eating chips up the wazoo. Aubree called out to him. "Hey, Henry, we've got to get out of here!"

"Yeah, you're right; this party's getting really lame, anyways." Henry took a deep breath and ran for the broken window again. Aubree and the guard followed suit. Aubree hugged Henry and got ready to cling to dear life. Henry paused before jumping. "Ah, gosh darn it!"

"What happened?"

"I got pennies in my bag of chips!"

"JUST GO!"

"All right, all right!" Henry jumped out the window and inflated his balloon. The guard approached the window and called out. "Is there room enough for me?"

"I'm sorry, bub," replied Henry. "I'm carrying a ton of pennies, plus a young Amazon's weight in metal. I'm honestly surprised I can carry this much. There's no room for you!"

The guard looked down, his face sullen. Aubree cried out to him, "Don't worry! For what it's worth, I think you're a great Battleship player!"

The guard looked up, tears streaming down his face. "That's all I ever wanted!" He faded back into the storm of pennies, now willingly accepting his fate.

Henry and Aubree looked off towards the horizon. Aubree spoke up. "You know, today was a good day. I'm glad I got to share it with you."

"The feeling's mutual, Aubree. Now, do you want to see all the chaos that's happening inside?"

A mischievous grin came across Aubree's face. "...Sure, that actually sounds like a lot of fun!"

by **Asterdan** » Mon May 29, 2017 5:09 pm

Night Brood

In the corner, staying away from the fight, brooding in the darkness was a man in dark, gray suit. He had been watching the entire time, since the battle began and before then. He had simply been waiting, calculating, trying to figure out what the best form of attack was. Finally he was ready! He jumped out of the corner and began battling guards, throwing punches and kicks, dodging punches and kicks, and performing surprising feats of acrobatics. This was all, of course, because he was Night Brood, a fact he enjoyed touting about.

Night Brood smirked, delivering a sharp kick to the gut of a guard and sending him flying into another. He was prepared to continue fighting, but it was at this moment that pennies began falling from the ceiling! He had to get out of there, that much he knew, but how? HIS MULTI-PURPOSE BELT! Surely there was a gadget or gizmo or doodad that he had created that could get him to higher ground. Quickly he began shuffling through the various pockets and pouches.

"Let's see..." he began, "Night-a-rang, Night-taser, Night-smoke bomb, Night-grenade, collapsible Night-sword, Night-electromagnet, ooo Night-Freeze grenades... no not now... fancy Night-a-rang number one, fancy Night-a-rang number two, Night-EMP, fancy Night-a-rang number three, Night-crypographical sequencer, ooo... Night-pneumatic mangler... Too slow..." Pocket after pouch after pocket after pouch Night Brood checked as pennies continued to rain down on him, "fancy Night-a-rang number four, Night-frequency jammer, fancy Night-a-rang number FIVE, how many of those do I have? Let's see, I've got my Night-tranquilizers, Night-tracers, Night-rebreather, Night-explosive gel, Night-electric gel, Night-sticking gel, Night-hair gel, Night-disruptor, Night-nets, Night-cuffs, Night-shark repellent, Night-house keys, Night-car keys, Night-matches, Night-darts, Night-heater, Night-female villain repellent, when did I make that? Night-flamethrower, Night-USB stick, Night-credit card, AH! HERE IT IS! THE NIGHT-GRAPPLING GUN!"

Pulling the small gun-like device out of his multi-purpose belt, Night Brood quickly took aim and fired. The grappling hook at the end lodged firmly into the ceiling and he held on tightly as it began pulling him into the air, somehow carrying the weight of a grown man, high into the air and above the pennies.

The Box Ghoul

Hidden since the beginning was a blue-skinned, overweight ghost. The evil creature had waited, biding his time after agreeing to work with the evil cat villain. His role was more of a 'recon' role, though he did not know why, as surely someone as powerful as he would be best suited for front line work. He was getting paid, however, and even though he was dead he still had bills to pay.

The ghost had phased out of view, moving through walls and other villains and even heroes with ease. He had been given his orders, though, and he had never been one to disobey orders from a superior... Well... Except for when he started stealing from the company which had employed them, but he had good reason! Suddenly the voice came over the loudspeaker and pennies began falling from the ceiling. Rising through the pennies, phasing through them with ease, he flew up to where Mr. Big and the guards were.

"Excuse me, Mr. Big, sir?" the ghost said, phasing into the room and becoming physical.
"Who are you?!" one of the guards asked, raising a gun.
"Oh, I'm sorry, let me introduce myself." the cleared his throat and began, "I AM THE BOX GHOUL! MASTER OF ALL THINGS WHICH ARE CUBICAL CONTAINERS! BEWARE! Anyway, I was wondering if I could get my money in cash? Banks don't really like to do business with ghosts. I think it's because they're ghostist. Beware."

by **Gaia Concordis** » Tue May 30, 2017 2:59 am

Jason Dolor
Orient, Minnesota- Zeke Enterprises Building, 45th Floor, Men's Lavatory

Jason quietly washed his hands, trying to whistle. It was failing, horribly. Muttering angrily to himself, Jason shook his head. He was never going to get it. Oh, well. Nobody could do everything. Finishing up by rinsing off his arms (what? He had to be thorough!) and ripping a paper towel out of the dispenser, Jason steeled himself for getting back into the fight. How long had he been in this restroom again? It almost felt as if he was absent for a several pages of posts.

...Nah. Just my imagination, the youth thought, making his way back to the door. He made to push it open... and nothing happened. Jason blinked. He looked down. There it was- marked clear as day: 'push'. Jason looked around nervously, afraid that another person was in there with him to witness his embarrassment. Seeing that he was alone, Jason tried pushing again, to no avail.

"What the heck?" He thought out loud. "This has to be a joke." Trying again, Jason shoved against the door with all of his might. Yet, still nothing; it seemed Jason was trapped. Pressing his ear to the door, Jason heard... Something. It was like... Like...

The sound of a ton of pennies dropping? Jason looked down. Pennies had started pushing their way under the door. Jason took a step back. Pennies were filtering in through the gap between the door in the floor, and he swore he could hear creaking.

"Oh, HECK no!" Jason was not going to have 'crushed to death by pennies listed as his cause of death'. No siree. However... He was trapped. There was no way out of the room. Jason gulped. Would this be it? Would this be the end? Had his writer-given luck finally run out?

Wait a minute, that's right! Jason was in a comic book! (Well, something like a comic book.) There had to be a way out! Jason looked around frantically for something, anything that could free him from a cold, metallic, very expensive grave. Speaking of cold... Jason shivered. The AC in this building had been set cold- for him at least.

...Wait, there was an AC.

Feeling stupid, Jason looked up- and there it was! An air vent! Several feet out of his reach! Jason jumped... and missed. He hated being short. Looking around, Jason felt at a loss for what to do. How could he possibly reach the vent!? As Jason thought, he could not help the incessant clinking of pennies invading his eardrums.

Then, Jason got an idea. It was an incredibly stupid idea, but an idea nonetheless. As he slowly turned to face the door, Jason swallowed. This was going to be so stupid. He hoped the pennies would be able to support his weight...

Jason stared into the case where the fire extinguisher was being kept. He had been told to never do this by his school, his guardians, his common sense... But fire extinguishers were there to save lives, right? And right now, his life needed saving. Desperately. So, with a heavy heart and guilty conscience, Jason shattered the glass case keeping the fire extinguisher safe. Hoping that the glass wasn't wired to any siren or sprinkler system, Jason grabbed the fire extinguisher and began smashing open the door.

He reeeeeally hoped that vent was unlocked.

by **The Central Shadow Nation** » Tue May 30, 2017 6:44 pm

Fruitbat

Fruitbat could only think of one song. Pressure, pushing down on me! Fruitbat sometimes wished he was a music hero. Like Country Croc. Except for he wouldn't play disgusting music like the reptilian does. Fruitbat also thought of all these pennies! He wanted all this money. He looked at CC's truck, wondering how much moolah was in the back of it with all those pennies and what not. But the 19 year old didn't want to be crushed to death, so he ran straight out the window, stopping on the edge when he toppled out. He had a trick up his sleeve, or up his pockets. In his was a bubblegum berry! As he got close to the side of the building he smacked his palm into the side, creating a rope of somesorts. But the bubble gum rope kept going down, and down and down and down...until Fruitbat heard a snap! But it was actually a crackle, and he was going up. Fruitbat had never been on bungee before, but there he was. He flew right up to where the bubble gum was originally planted, and higher up. He gained an ankle, and new what was coming. Fruitbat closed his eyes as he was thrown back through the window by the evil force of gravity, his head hitting the ceiling and his now limp, unconscious body falling into a sea of pennies. On the bright side, the still-attached-to-his-hand gum tripped a guard! Eventually the gum snapped though, so Fruitbat was left drowning in a sea of not-so shining pennies.

CC

Country Crock didn't have the utility the bat guy had, so he was left with a guitar. He twisted around rapidly, swinging his guitar rapidly to try and clear the pennies from where he was standing. But he let go of his guitar, sending it flying into the door of the pickup truck and creating a dent. In the midst of the shock Country Crock tripped on pennies, getting pummeled and covered by the currency. With no guitar, stuff began to disappear. The beer bottles began disappearing and the horse turned from a horse back to a cow. The dancing girls with cowboy hats were next, and soon the truck would go poof all while Country Crock lie petrified in a painful party full of pennies.

ALLITERATION, EVERYONE! or my attempts at some...

by **Talchyon** » Thu Jun 01, 2017 12:07 pm

The 45th Floor of the Zeke Enterprises Skyscraper
Captain Calculator

The formidable accountant-middle aged dad turned calculator-blasting hero had been holding his own in the fight. A well-aimed shot with his calculators here, a not-so-well-aimed-but-lucky-hit there, and the guards were having a time trying to contain him. Actually, that's because most were ignoring him and trying to fight the other heroes and villains. But hey. A Minnesota Infinite has to take what accomplishments he can get. And Calculator was going to credit this as one of his accomplishments. Hopefully, he could say how much he did in the fight and everyone else would have been too preoccupied with their own battles that they wouldn't notice what ~~all~~ little he had done. Right now, he was just trying to dislodge himself from the pile of pennies that surrounded him.

Just then, he heard the cry from CC about losing his guitar, and all of the country-song items blipped out of existence! And the pickup with the huge honkin' tires that Coathangerman was driving! Without that guitar, CC was just your ordinary talking reptile who liked country music! So Calculator knew what he had to do! Find that guitar before it was too late, so the truck would stay in existence, and that way Coathangerman could destroy the Doomsday device!

Captain Calculator leapt up his whole vertical limit, all 8 inches (in his traditional 10 attempts added up together in one lump sum), trying to get out of the pile of pennies he was kind of buried in. He managed to move a little. But his arms were free! And the guitar was right... there... almost... in... reach... Reaching, struggling, heaving, muggling, trying, stretching, dying, retching... Yep. Just as he had gasped in a deep breath, Calculator inhaled a huge cloud of eye irritant gas. And boy, did it sting. Captain Calculator temporarily turned into Lt. Up Chuck, and did a passing impression of a person on day 2 of being infected with the Wombat Flu.

In other words, he couldn't reach the guitar in time...

Coathangerman

The truck with the huge honkin' wheels had made it to a decent speed, before the pennies fell from the roof. The clinking sounds of millions of pennies against the dirty-rusty top of the truck was as horrendous a sound as the coughing and sputtering sounds the truck seemed to make on its own. The speed was heavily slowed down as the truck bed filled with pennies. But they were driving over the pennies, 4 wheel style, and Coathangerman thought they might have a decent chance. The Doomsday device was in sight, and they were hurtling toward it, pennies and all. "Hang on tight!", he yelled at Hypoxia, riding with him.

And then.

The faint cry of Country Croc about the loss of his guitar barely reached his ears, over the chronically sick engine of the pickup, the noise of driving over the pennies, and the annoying Hank Williams Sr. music that somehow could not be shut off even though they had turned the volume off and, when that didn't work, had for good measure pulled out the radio from the few wires that were holding it in. Nothing. Hank still sang with his drawls, while meanwhile Coathangerman and Hypoxia somehow heard CC's anguished cry at losing his guitar - and also the things he had conjured up with it.

"Almost there!" They were closing in, maybe about 8 yards away now. "Almost there!"

...

And then all of a sudden, Coathangerman and Hypoxia found themselves hurtling toward the device with the truck's bedload of pennies, without a truck and without a prayer. "Aaahhh!"

But instead of crashing headfirst into the metallic text and damaging something very expensive to fix, they found themselves colliding into a warm, soft, fluffy pillow. "Thanks, Pill-OW!" Though he hadn't known that he had done it, the hero had somehow miraculously managed to summon a pillow to save them from imminent collision. That's what happens when you work together with a hero like Pill-OW for the whole time this has been going on. They know what to do, when.

Mr. Big (aka Archibald the Cat)

His area penny-free, Mr. Big gave one last order to the guards to apply the buttered bread to his feet. Yes, they had had an argument about how the buttered bread was to be applied. Apparently, they had seen some online commercial for an energy drink that had put the buttered bread on the back. But they soon straightened out, when they realized who they worked for. After their little argument, the guards had fallen in line with his commands. They put the buttered bread on his feet. Curious. It didn't feel any different. Mr. Big, Archibald the cat, scowled and glared. Then yelled for the guards to put him into the power chamber of the device.

A panel on the tech slid open, revealing a large opening approximately the size of a large cat with butter on its feet. Right before he was put in, Mr. Big called out over the loudspeaker one last time. "INFINITES! NOW YOU ARE HUMILIATED! YOU TRIED YOUR BEST, BUT YOU STILL FAIL! NOW THAT WE HAVE AN UNLIMITED SOURCE OF POWER, OPERATION DOOMSDAY WILL TICK DOWN THE LAST SECOND AND THE OZONE WILL BE DESTROYED! VILLAINS - ENJOY YOUR PENNIES! HA HA HA HA!!!!"
The guards stuck Archibald the overweight bitter-looking cat with buttered bread attached to his feet, into the machine, and quickly closed the panel!

And then...

Just when all hope was lost...

And everybody whose name was Hope also happened to be lost...

There was a large explosion. A dark cloud of smoke filled the air, already thick with eye irritants, stench, firework sparks, exhaust, flying calculators and other things filling the air. Fortunately, some pressurized fans blew all of the gases out hidden vents, as well as out the window where Blimp Man and Goldilocks had flown out of. And when vision was restored, the Doomsday device was ruined. The panel that had slid open for the power compartment was nowhere to be seen, and the rest of the machine was charred to smithereens. There was no sign of Archibald, but there was a distinctively pungent stench that filled the air that smelled like burnt cat.

And as the shock of what had just happened registered, Mr. Zeke McDonahuelly-Smythe-Jones stepped forward. With a remote control in his hand.

"I am nobody's puppet! Especially my pet's! When I heard what he had been doing and how he wanted to wipe out any chance for me to get more money, I knew I had to take action. So while all of you were fighting each other and doing whatever it was you were doing, I was getting my own experimental holographic imaging projector online and ready. Then, when Archibald called in for the buttered bread and started having an argument with the guards, I knew it was time to cut this pet off of any affection. I sent an email to the guards telling them to disagree with Archibald, and reminded them of who paid them. Then, when I found out that he was freaking out about the buttered bread being put into the wrong spot for fear of creating a huge nuclear fission reaction with himself at ground zero, I knew what I had to do. I faked the picture of buttered bread on his feet. And I holographically hid the fact from him that the buttered bread was put on his back. And he was right. Doing it that way caused him to turn into nuclear fission, which destroyed this device. Good riddance to him!"

Then, speaking into his earmike, the greedy CEO shouted orders to his hirelings. "Now, get these cows out of here! Get all the tech on them off, and then find out where they go. Get this tech back to a secure spot, for crying out loud. Oh, and all of you on this 45th floor who USED to work for me?! YOU'RE FIRED!! Leave the company's armor and GET OUT OF HERE! I don't care that you just stopped this device from going off! You shouldn't have been listening to my cat, anyway! You should have been listening to ME!!" And a flurry of other employees rushed in, following their boss's orders. Those guards who had been following Archibald's orders were a little dazed, the brainwashing manipulation being broken since the cat who they were augmented to follow had lost all 9 of his lives in that explosion, and was therefore no longer to be counted among the living. One by one, they took off their armor and left it in a heap on the floor, passing out the door, collecting their severance pay, and never stepping foot in a Zeke Enterprises building ever again.

Rumor has it, that all of them left town and became tour guides.

When Captain Calculator came up to Mr. Zeke McDonahuelly-Smythe-Jones, the CEO was barking orders to be followed and micromanaging everything. Looking at Calculator, who was still dressed like Ned Wimbly, Zeke glared at him and yelled, "YOU'RE FIRED TOO! GET OUT!!!" At which point, all of the heroes and all of the villains gathered their things, the villains taking as much pennies as they could carry, and left the skyscraper.

So that's how an evil, corrupt, maniacal individual took the life of another evil, corrupt, maniacal individual. And managed to save almost all the lives on earth, not counting cats who still had lives left to be lost. In the words of Glitch, "Dude. We were just along for the ride, yuh know?"

As for the Infinites and Villains? Well, they lived to tell the tale. And that has to count for something.

THE END OF CHAPTER THREE OF THE INFINITES: THE LAMEST HEROES

A POSTLUDE TO ARC ONE - MR. BIG - NOW BEGINS

by **Zanera** » Thu Jun 01, 2017 1:27 pm

Pill-OW!
Zeke Enterprises
A Penny Room Full of...Uh...Pennies

Pill-OW! had seen the accident before it happened. Well, a different accident.

When Pill-OW! was very little, his family had gotten into a car crash. They had bunted the bumper of the car ahead, who was waiting at a spotlight. This horrific incident resulted in the mortal end of two things very dear to Pill-OW!:

His two teddy bears.

Coffee had been spilled upon them. They were never the same afterward. They soon succumbed to coffee-related injuries, and had ceased. Pill-OW! had visited his buried teddy bears in the backyard for a few days before forgetting about them after receiving two more teddy bears. Remembering that he had forgotten two things close to him, he shed a single tear.

The flashback, and the tear, happened in less than a second. For the rest of the second, Pill-OW! conjured up another pillow. Then in the next second, he threw it to save his comrades. Wait, wasn't that a commu-NO! NO! NOT THIS AGAIN!

Pill-OW! was knocked out yet again. A very thin pillow (practically just the pillow case) popped up under Pill-OW!'s head. Your head hitting a ton of metal pennies was almost as bad as stepping on a Lego, but it still awoke Pill-OW!. When he awoke, he smelled burnt cat (Pill-OW! knew how that smelled from being a plumber) (to clarify, one of his clients' kids had fried a cat while he was working, Pill-OW! didn't fry the cat) (just saying) and found Mr. CEO Guy talking about how he had defeated his pet cat. Pill-OW! now counted twice that a cat had been burnt while on a job. Orient was a weird place.

Pill-OW! saw the plan as defeated. Not much more to do but collect a pillowcase or two of pennies to give to homeless people for them to sleep on. Scooping up a couple pillowcases of pennies, Pill-OW! made his way to the elevator.

Pill-OW! had done it. Whatever he had done, he was sure he did it good. He, or someone else, or everyone, had defeated the evil cat. Orient-and the world-was saved. The elevator dinged and Pill-OW! stepped out into the lobby. Just before he was about to exit, the pillow cases disappeared suddenly and all the pennies fell to the floor all at once into two piles. Pill-OW! conjured two more pillows and was about to clean up the mess when he was shooed out with a broom by a janitor. Suddenly out in the sidewalk, Pill-OW! stared up into the whatever-sky-it-currently-was and thought to himself, I have to go to work in two hours.

Daaaaang iiiiit.

by **The Last Abode of Pando** » Thu Jun 01, 2017 4:51 pm

Ed and Aesculapius
Oddly, ~~as no one had interacted with them~~ as they had just showed up from the other direction where the cow stalls were, Ed and Aesculapius were not really part of the fight. They had heard the call of the crocodile, but they had not realized what it was. It did seem, when Zeke started firing employees, that no one was going to take the tech diaper off the twins; they weren't a cow. It looks like it'll be part of their superhero costume now.

Florida Man
Joshua James
So, as Joshua was burning to death in molten lead, drowning in pennies, and inhaling noxious finger rocket fumes, he did the same thing that Jevon had done when his legs became off. He sent out that message, searching for the next Florida Man. Joshua found one and locked on. The next Florida Man was...

by **The Assorted Saharan Outposts** » Fri Jun 02, 2017 3:12 pm

Hypoxia had to admit, she was glad that she didn't ram right into the machine that they were going to ram into. The pillow had saved the day. Of course, pillows always save the day. And the night, as well. They definitely save the night. When you wake up in the middle of the night and can't sleep because it's too hot, just turn it over to the cool side of the pillow. There you go pillows save the night, and you get some nice sleep.

Either way, Hypoxia had made it, and she was sure as heck happy that she made it, though she was sinking into a sea of pennies as she was recovering from what was most certainly instant death. Hypoxia had known what to do, though. She took a deep breath! And she held it! So, now trying to survive in the sea of pennies, she began to swim. What else would she do?

Though, Hypoxia couldn't swim for too long, because then there was a giant explosion, shaking the entire building and the sea of pennies. She frowned and had resurfaced, taking in a deep breath before looking around. Oh, the cat was dead...why'd they have to kill a cat? That's bad. That's animal abuse or something, isn't it? They could get arrested.

Not wanting to get arrested, though, Hypoxia quickly gathered some pennies and, while the guards were following the orders of the CEO, she followed everyone out of the building. Unfortunately, she didn't have any pockets on her swimsuit, so she's just going to have to hold them in her hands.

"Well, that was really fun," Hypoxia said with a smile as she walked out of the building. She chuckled. "Maybe now I can try to break that world record. I feel like I'm really close! Maybe I can do it if I try over the whole summer."

by **Talchyon** » Mon Jun 05, 2017 4:27 am

Roughly a week after the fight at Zeke Enterprises (let's call it Tuesday)
Just standing on a random street corner
Captain Calculator and Coathangerman

The excitement, danger, and epic-ness of the previous week had died down back to a relatively mundane normal in Orient. Now that there was no criminal mastermind secretly plotting to destroy all life on the planet - well, at least as far as they knew there was no criminal mastermind secretly plotting to destroy all life on the planet - the Minnesota Infinites had all taken to thinking about Mr. Big and what he had almost done.

Coathangerman said to Calculator, "You know, there's one thing I'm still trying to figure out. Ok, so Archibald the cat said that the reason he turned to a life of crime and wanted to humiliate the Minnesota Infinites was because of something that happened a long time ago. He said that we knocked down the tree hideout he had that had all of his plans and schematics for helpful, world-saving things in it. And that we turned his tree into woodchips with tea-soaked calculator pieces all around it. But I don't remember that at all. Do you?"

Calculator shook his head. "I don't remember that either. Maybe that was a time we were trying to rescue a cat, and then had to go to our meeting or something, and then the tree removal company came after we were there and chopped down the tree. That's the only thing I can think of. I don't ever remember there being a Woodchipper Man who was with the Minnesota Infinites. And I don't know why we would have soaked a tree in tea and I would have shot my calculators at it."

Coathangerman said, "Huh. I guess it's a big mystery then. Well, whatever. The evil criminal mastermind is no more. And we were the ones who saved the day. Kind of. Well, we were there anyway. But I know Glitch is hoping that we get a lot of news coverage and that the comic book companies come seeking us out to make new comics from us. That would bring in the royalties for sure!"

Calculator said, "Yeah! You'd think that with all that we did to save the world, we'll get a lot of news coverage from this! I can't wait 'til the weekly county paper comes out!"

Coathangerman said, "Yeah! Even though Zeke what's his bucket came and made sure we had none of his precious technology. He even chased down the Siamese twins and took their tech diaper they had been wearing. Well. Not like they needed a gas amplifier or chemical sender or whatever the heck that was."

Since the town of Orient is like many small towns, their newspaper comes out once a week, on Wednesday. Here's what the Orient newspaper had in it this week...

News from the Orient

vol. 87, no. 147, August 6, 2016

WOMBAT FLU NO MORE!

by Sheila Weston, beat reporter

The threat that had been plaguing Orient has been efficiently handled. When the governor sent in the national guard to help distribute medicines, there were many who wondered how effective this would be. The Wombat Flu had already taken the lives of 20 people, including former councilman Bob "Rupert" Diaz-Twine. These medicines were created by researchers at the Mayo Clinic. But they proved to be especially helpful.
Col.W.R. Lord of the National Guard headed this project up. He said, "We weren't going to let some deadly disease keep us from doing our jobs. The guardsmen and women, oh, and a few other people who volunteered, delivered the medicines and taught people how to use them. We're glad to see Orient is safe."
They'renot the only ones! Now that Orient is no longer under quarratine, people can get back to their regular routines. Col. Lord and the National Guard received a commendation from the state for their work in Orient. Thank you, Col. Lord and the National Guard! Oh, and the few anonymous volunteers who helped, too.

NEW PATENT RECEIVED

by Randall Gervious, beat reporter

In what is being hailed as an incredible thought by nearly everyone, Zeke McDonahuelly-Smythe-Jones, the CEO of Zeke Enterprises, announced that he had discovered a new source of renewable energy. The energy source involves using buttered bread and a cat, of all things.
"Yes, I discovered this new source of energy all by myself," said Mr. McDonahuelly-Smythe-Jones. "No. I didn't see something like this in an energy drink video. I have no idea where that rumor came from. I discovered this all on my own. There was no patent on this, and so I claimed it. It's mine! The royalties for this renewable energy source are all mine! I mean, this will really help people and something like that."
Itremains to be seen how this new energy source will benefit the world. But Zeke said that he already had been contacted by several people in government, the military and other members of the private sector. He would not mention anything about a possible lawsuit by an energy drink company. We'll have more news on this to come.

CATTLE COMES HOME

by Everette White, beat reporter

After a few weeks of cattle that had been reported as stolen, local farmers have reported that their cattle is all back. The presumably stolen cattle were unharmed, and even appeared to be well-fed. One farmer reported that they had come just in time for him to go to the sale barn, and they weighed more than before. He was happy, to say the least.
Thelocal sherriff said that the case was closed, and no further inquiry would be made. Whether or not anyone actually did steal these cows, we're happy they're all back.

ZEKE ENTERPRISES LEAVING ORIENT!

by Sheila Weston, beat reporter

In a shocking announcement, the CEO of Zeke Enterprises, Zeke McDonahuelly-Smythe-Jones, has announced that his widget company is leaving Orient. The plan is to relocate to elsewhere in Minnesota - maybe Shakopee. The news of this comes right on the heels of the new energy patent received.
Aspokesman for the company said that they were beginning the process of leaving immediately. And the famous Orient 50-story tall skyscraper was going to be moved. He mentioned that they would just lift the building, and move it on several semis and trailerbeds.
Theeconomic affects are thought to be immense. Zeke Enterprises is taking hundreds of jobs away from Orient. But some preliminary discussions with Bryan Holloway, the mayor of Orient, are looking up. Holloway indicated that several other companies are bidding to move factories in that will bring jobs back to Orient. One, a cat food company, had already begun discussions about taking the Zeke Enterprises former location and building a factory in its place.
Whilethe loss of jobs from Zeke Enterprises will be noticed, the possibilities of new corporations and new factories in Orient are promising. Mayor Holloway indicated that while it was still in the early stages, the prospects of new, replaceable jobs from these other companies were heading in the right direction.

THE END OF ARC 1

by **Talchyon** » Tue Jun 06, 2017 7:39 am

INTERMISSION: THINKING HOW IT ALL BEGAN

One day, the Minnesota Infinites were having a slow week. There were no jaywalkers to place under citizen's arrest, no cats to rescue out of trees, nobody illegally parking. Not to mention the fact that since Mr. Big had been disintegrated in all 9 of his lives, no real evil criminal masterminds had risen in his place. As was typical, none of the other more powered Infinites groups across the country had sent out a distress signal asking for the Minnesota Infinites' help. (As if they even remembered there was an Infinites' group in Minnesota.)

So while Coathangerman and Glitch were watching paint ferment and trying to find the exact time that fermented paint could become a safe alternative alcoholic drink, the Teetotaler had an idea. "I say, chaps. Let us head down to the Orient Cafe, and there we can have a jolly good show. I could even tell you about how I became a tea controlling superhero!" And with the other options being as lousy as they were, the Infinites decided to join him, and also tell their backstories.

They sat down at a large table on one side of the cafe's hall, and placed their orders. Meanwhile, on the other side of the cafe's hall, unseen and undetected by the Infinites', were the villains! They were also having a slow week. Most of their weekly meetings had been taken up with what the proper procedures were according to Doctor Bureaucracy to change their name from the Orient, Minnesota Super Villains' Club to whatever the new name was going to become. Needless to say, the action had dwindled down to nothing, and the villains had needed a bite to eat, too.

And lo and behold! They also got to talking about their own backstories, never noticing the Infinites on the other side of the Cafe (OP - and never going to notice the Infinites on the other side of the Cafe as long as this intermission lasts).

Coathangerman, who had begun his story while they were ordering, got his coffee and took a drink, saying, "And that's how I became a coathanger-themed superhero! How about you guys?"

by **Gaia Concordis** » Tue Jun 06, 2017 6:33 pm

Jason Dolor
Orient, Minnesota- Orient Cafe

Jason sat quietly, nursing a small chai tea latte and a panini. Best paninis in town? What a bunch of garbage. To say he thought it was good would be an overstatement. Jason considered suggesting they rob the place, but he decided against it. This was the only place in town that he could get his fix. There was Starbucks (or to Jason, 'that which must not be named') but Jason did not consider that particular franchise to be 'of quality', 'enjoyable', or 'anything but an affront to coffee-drinkers everywhere- and I don't even drink coffee!' Needless to say, his thoughts of the brand were far from fond. Perhaps it had something to do with the endless amount of spam mail and gift cards they sent him. Perhaps he was just bitter. Either way, Jason could not afford to lose the Orient Cafe (even if he was not their biggest fan).

Around him sat the various villains in OMSVIC, as he had taken to calling the "Orient, Minnesota Super Villains' club". What were they talking about again? Oh, right. They were all taking turns describing their backstories. The thought of having to share made Jason's face heat up. Not only would he be giving his villainous origin story- which was the tropiest of tropes, but he would be labelled a crazy person! He had to do something! Anything! Jason glanced around, searching for another conversation topic. None came to him. As sweat began to drip down his face (wow, is it hot in here or is it just me?) Jason found himself panicking. Perhaps there's some truth to the whole 'teenagers hate being vulnerable malarkey' that adults say, he thought while being a teenager that hated being vulnerable.

Jason took a bite out of his panini to calm his nerves. It did not work.

"Eugh," he said, grimacing. "How can they serve this stuff?" He looked around the people at his table, searching for a laugh (and hopefully diverting the conversation!)

by **The Central Shadow Nation** » Tue Jun 06, 2017 7:22 pm

Fruitbat

Fruitbat was like any other tired teen-He was quiet, his head burried into his arms. He had a mostly eaten plate of pancakes, a cup of iced tea, and his phone. He finally raised his head and groggily wiped his eyes with his jacket sleeve and looked up at the others. "Well, mine is quick so I'll get it out of the way. Picture me: A 18 year old who hates school and wants to get famous and rich! Well Im here in Orient, ready to head across the country, when I read this little tiny clip of news down in the bottom a newspaper."

Fruitbat paused, taking another bite of pancake. "There it is: My somewhat regrettable future as a superhero. My mom and my friends mom form a task force, make me a shirt, and I phone my 8th grade science teacher to give me a chemistry lesson. I make some berries with the help of my dog and the fridge and I'm of the the Infinites. Do I regret it? Eh, a little. But we did save the world. Not really. If it wasn't for that bigwig we'd all be dead. So, whos next?"Fruitbat yawned.

by **Talchyon** » Wed Jun 07, 2017 5:08 am

The cafe
Glitch

Dude. Like, Berryliciousguy has like a wicked story. I'm still salivating.

So I said to him, "Yuh know, man? Your story is like almost 100% like mine! Only, it's just not. Well, you can judge for yourself. But it's wicked rad, yuh know? Dude. So like, here's my epic saga of awesomeness, just almost like yours! Like, I was there, not likin' school an' all. 'Cause, like my power of making things randomly suck like always made my homework suck, yuh know? I was really a genius, it's just that no one ever knew it. I was like a whiz at underwater basket-weaving. And sometimes at metal shop. But only sometimes. Dude. Yuh ever have the entire shop of tools go on the fritz at the same time? That was like, every other day for me. So, like my underwater basket-weaving skills increased just a little more than my metal shop prowess. But I digress.

"So, like, it was all just as everything normally goes, with like, my awesome skills progressin' an' all, when all of a sudden, I was walkin' through the fields near my home in Nebraska, an' dude! And like, I was all alone, an' all? An' this alien space ship all of a sudden materialized in front of my eyes. The thing was like huge, and covered the whole sky, and made like really weird designs in the corn, like they were trying to tell us something? An' I couldn't figure out why I was seein' this, because I knew that the only people aliens ever appeared to were all like super dumb, like perpetual losers with no life, yuh know? So I guess that I just realized that I was like the exception to the rule, and that they had to get like the super geniuses of the world also to see what they're all about. Dude. It was destiny. Fate. Puppet strings pulling all things in my favor.

"So, then like, dude. This brilliant white light zapped down and covered me. Well, actually it was more like bluish and greenish and not a pure white? Facts, an' all. And all of a sudden, I was like zapped. In the light. An' I don't know if I was lifted off the ground, or just beamed up. But all I remember was like being in the ship, on some alien laboratory table, being prodded in places you don't want to be prodded. An' I was like, all chill. Like, takin' it all in. I knew that these aliens weren't the first to visit our planet, but it may have been the first time they had encountered like my level of super hero awesomeness. So I was just waitin' to see what they would do. An' so, like they put me in a cage of energy that was like all aroun' me. Dude. An' I was like, just enjoyin' the ride.

"And then it happened. They started tellin' me about their evil plans of world domination, and how the knowledge I had they were going to use for their nefarious schemes. An' I was like, 'Dude. Yuh can't do that.' An' they were like, 'We have already started!' An' then I was like, 'Oh no you haven't.' And they were like all, 'Oh, yeah, we have.' Dude. An' as this conversation was goin' on to the finer points, I could tell that they were serious and like the planet was going to be destroyed.

"And that's when it kicked in. I like caused their evil alien power supply to go on the fritz. It just like stopped working an' all. They transferred all their power to my energy cage to keep me from gettin' out and kicking some alien butt. But it's not like they had butts, they were all like tentacles, dude, like some weird kind of octopus meets Frankenstein. Kind of, only not. But I digress. And then, like when they were all tryin' to figure out how to keep their power goin,' dude, all of a sudden their ship lost control of their steering, thanks to me. The ship was like all goin' this way, and that way, and that other way, and then back to this way. An' I was like all smiles. 'Cause I knew that I was like all messin' with their evil plans. An' the ship not only lost control and power. But it started goin' into crash mode. And while I was at it, their breathing atmosphere controls also went on the fritz too. And they were all like gasping for their evil breaths, while I was like, 'Dude. Serves you right.' And then we crash-landed, back on earth. My shield was up, and the rest of the ship was a pile of like alien technology that was like all broke and lyin' in heaps. An' I got out, and then found out that somehow I landed in Wisconsin.

"An' like, somehow the Cheesehead Infinites found out about me, that I had like saved the planet and wrecked the alien space ship all by myself without even trying. And they like sent me to California, where they were going to have me join with that Infinites group out there. Dude. It was pretty sweet. But the only problem was that as they were tryin' to take my necessary information, yuh know, like my name, age, social security number and shoe size, their like high tech computer wouldn't function at all. An' they got the techhies out to look at it, and it still wasn't working. An' I was like, 'Dudes, that's what I do. I make things suck. But I can't control it. Oh yeah, and I can also make people dumb." And then, like, somehow, I made their payroll software not work, and like none of the Pacific Coast Infinites got paid that week, and I guess they just thought that I should go here instead, to be one of the Minnesota Infinites. So like, dude, I've been here ever since. But one day, they're going to make a comic out of me."

That bagel was callin' me. An' I was like havin' the munchies. So I just took a breather and a bite, and was noticing everyone around the table stare at me in some kind of shock. And I said, "See? It's like exactly like Berryliciousguy's back saga, almost. Dude."

Diet Cola

Looking at the teenage Dolor, Diet Cola could tell he was trying to get out of talking. So being the blunt, direct and in your face villain he was, Diet Cola said to Dolor, "Ha ha. Paninis. But you were about to tell us how you became a villain."

The Infinites - The Lamest Heroes (Supers/Comedy/CLOSED)- IC

300th POST! (You rock, guys!)

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