by Mississippabama » Sat Apr 08, 2017 6:15 pm
by Trotterdam » Sat Apr 08, 2017 6:35 pm
by Mississippabama » Sat Apr 08, 2017 6:38 pm
Wow! You're right! I guess that I was so busy making sure that all of the chemical names were accurate and such that I forgot to write a description. Do you have any good ideas?Trotterdam wrote:Your options and effects are way too long, and you neglected to have an opening paragraph (before the options) explaining how the issue got started.
To make your draft more readable, use [option] and [effect], like this:
[option]"I think you should do this!" says some guy.
[effect]this was done
Don't include the "Folowing new legislation..." prefix in every [effect] line, nor the punctuation at the end, the game adds those automatically.
by Australian rePublic » Sat Apr 08, 2017 6:49 pm
by Mississippabama » Sat Apr 08, 2017 6:52 pm
So the response reflects the leader better. Those who look it up are more likely to accept option two, who complains of people not knowing what the scientific terminology means. Those who don't are more likely to choose option 1, where the person specifically says that he doesn't know what a LD50 is.Australian Republic wrote:This is funny, but I don't know what these LD50 or other things are either, neither is your average reader
by A Humanist Prognostication » Sat Apr 08, 2017 7:10 pm
[description] [This part is not optional...]
[option] "It is outrageous that the government has placed no restrictions on dihydrogen monoxide!" exclaims @@RANDOMNAME@@. "DHMOfor short. Itcauses millions of deaths each year, most through suffucation; is highly corrosive;, [no, not really. Being one of the most common solvents is not the same as being "highly corrosive"] and encourages the growth of harmful organisms, like bacteria and mildew.; its LD50 is over 90 ml/kg, and I have no idea what it means, but it sounds scary, and I think that the L stands for lethal, which means that DHMO is deadly; and more! Also, the last time I heard monoxide anything, it was carbon monoxide! The lack of much-needed restrictions on DHMO especially surprising when compared in contrast to how hard the government has clamped down on trihydrogen mononitride, or THMN, which is common in nature, is a necessary ingredient in protein production in humans and animals, it and related compounds are a key part of fertile soil, and it can neutralize acids. In fact, our kidneys actually secrete it to use it for that! Is the government going to end restrictions on THMN, or will it hire surgeons to remove it from my kidneys on a daily basis even though it plays an important biological role?"[get to the point, insert punchline here, etc]
[Effect]following new legislation in @NAME@, the government has ended safety restrictions on ammonia and banned water, leading toa dehydration epidemic has broken out in @@NAME@@.
[option] "What's actually outrageous," says chemist @@RANDOMNAME@@, "is how uninformed that is!He said himself that he has no idea what things like LD50 are! He said it himself! He probably doesn't know what DHMO or THMN really stand for, and instead just read some phony sites that were put up on April Fools Day, because he is chemically and scientifically illiterate![EXPLAIN WHY DHMO IS NOT BAD HERE]We need to stop this confusionat once!No alternate names for chemicals and make sufficient scientific literacy a requirement for passing any form of school!Did you know, for example, that DHMO is just the scientific name for--"
[Effect]Following new legislation in @NAME@,kindergarteners who don't know the difference between sodium lauryl sulfate and sodium laureth sulfate are held back, and those who pass grow up to reject products bearing the label "Chemical free" as literally nothing.
[option]The chemist is interrupted by a boom of cannon fire; a general has had an entire artillery squadron go off in an effort to get your attention so you will listen to him."You know," says general @@RANDOMNAME@@, "if DHMO accounts for so many deaths each year,is as corrosive, encourages the growth of harmful organisms, etc... as much as the first guy was saying,it could be an effective weapon. Just think! If we fired it at our enemies, it wouldcorrode their ships, kill their soldiers, and mademake their barracks mildew-ridden faster than with any other means.Let's make DHMO our primary weapon!"
[Effect]Following new legislation in @NAME@,@NAME@is developing a new range of intercontinental ballistic water balloons4. "The problem with these lapses in hazardous chemical regulation," begins pseudo-chemist @RANDOMNAME@, who may or may not be a Bigtopian spy, "is that in order to regulate a group of chemicals, you have to list each chemical individually. Not only can the government miss some stuff from time to time, but companies can just take a toxic and strictly regulated chemical, replace an undecyl group at the end of the molecule with a dodecyl group, and they can use it without restriction until some more legislation is passed, but then, they'll just use a decyl group or something, and the cycle goes on and on. Why don't you just say so-and-so chemical and anything that kind of looks similar to it when you look at a ball-and-stick model?[No. Just no.]
Effect: Following new legislation in @NAME@, VG nerve agent is a common sweetener, often used in the place of acesulfame potassium because a phosphorous atom bonded to a sulfur atom and three oxygen atoms, two of which are bonded to a carbon atom bonded to a carbon atom bonded to hydrogen atoms, kind of looks like a sulfur atom bonded to a nitrogen atom and three oxygen atoms, one of which is bonded to a carbon atom bonded to carbon atoms bonded to hydrogen atoms, and phosphorous borders nitrogen and sulfur on the Periodic Table. If that's too wordy, then following new legislation in @NAME@, hydrogen peroxide is a popular drink because it's chemically similar to water.
by Mississippabama » Sat Apr 08, 2017 7:20 pm
by A Humanist Prognostication » Sat Apr 08, 2017 7:24 pm
Mississippabama wrote:How about this?
by Mississippabama » Sat Apr 08, 2017 7:26 pm
I got rid of the last option and split the first, making each option shorter.A Humanist Prognostication wrote:Mississippabama wrote:How about this?
viewtopic.php?f=13&t=408704&p=31495475#p31495475
**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**
by Mississippabama » Sat Apr 08, 2017 7:38 pm
Fine! How about this?A Humanist Prognostication wrote:Mississippabama wrote:How about this?
viewtopic.php?f=13&t=408704&p=31495475#p31495475
**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**tap**
by Australian rePublic » Sat Apr 08, 2017 8:56 pm
Mississippabama wrote:So the response reflects the leader better. Those who look it up are more likely to accept option two, who complains of people not knowing what the scientific terminology means. Those who don't are more likely to choose option 1, where the person specifically says that he doesn't know what a LD50 is.Australian Republic wrote:This is funny, but I don't know what these LD50 or other things are either, neither is your average reader
by Mississippabama » Sun Apr 09, 2017 12:24 pm
How hard can it be to look an LD50 up? In real life, the leader would probably have access to the Internet.Australian Republic wrote:Mississippabama wrote:So the response reflects the leader better. Those who look it up are more likely to accept option two, who complains of people not knowing what the scientific terminology means. Those who don't are more likely to choose option 1, where the person specifically says that he doesn't know what a LD50 is.
Why are you making it difficult for people to play a game?
by Mississippabama » Thu Apr 13, 2017 12:53 pm
by Lychgate » Thu Apr 13, 2017 3:02 pm
Mississippabama wrote:Should I submit this? It doesn't seem like I'm getting any more corrections, but does that mean that there are no more corrections to make that haven't already been brought up?
Lychgatean News Center: Design studies for the Imperator-class of battleship have been completed. ||| The current IASA level is [5]
by Mississippabama » Thu Apr 13, 2017 4:22 pm
Banning water and ending restrictions on ammonia were originally the same issue, but I decided to split them when I took out the option involving the Bigtopian spy amid complaints that the first option was too long. Let's just get rid of the end-restrictions-on-ammonia option.Lychgate wrote:With April Fools Day of @YEAR@Is this a macro? I don't think this works... comes new sites like dhmo.org coming up, and more people looking at them, inciting dormant controversy This is a defeatist attitude to introduce in your description. Needs to be revised about failure to pass DHMO-regulating legislation from last year's April Fools Day. You need to introduce a conflict in the description. This is barebones and needs to be fixed.
1. "It is outrageous that the government has placed no restrictions on dihydrogen monoxide!" exclaims Nathan Zohner, "DHMO causes millions of deaths each year, most through suffocation; is highly corrosive; encourages the growth of harmful organisms, like bacteria and mildew; its LD50 is over 90 ml/kg, and I have no idea what that means, but it sounds scary, and I think that the L stands for lethal, which means that DHMO is deadly; and more! Also, the last time I heard monoxide anything, it was carbon monoxide!"
What is this option advocating for? You need to provide a conclusion sentence that leads to the effect
Effect: Following new legislation in @NAME@, the government has banned water, leading to a dehydration epidemic.
2. "The lack of much-needed restrictions on DHMO especially surprising when compared in contrast to how hard the government has clamped down on NH3 Spelling everything out is just reusing the same gag. Don't keep repeating it.," points out pseudo-biochemist @RANDOMNAME@. "THMN, which is common in nature, is a necessary ingredient in protein production in humans and animals, it and related compounds are a key part of fertile soil, and it can neutralize acids. In fact, our kidneys actually secrete it to use it for that! Is the government going to end restrictions on THMN, or will it hire surgeons to remove it from my kidneys on a daily basis, even though it plays an important biological role? Interfering with the very processes that keep my body alive would be outrageous!" Another conclusion line is needed here
Effect: Following new legislation in @NAME@, death from ammonia is common due to the complete lack of government safety regulations on this hazardous chemical.
3. "What's actually outrageous," corrects chemist @RANDOMNAME@ "is how uninformed those people are! The first person said himself that he has no idea what things like LD50 are! He said it himself! They probably doesn't know what DHMO or THMN really stand for, and instead just read some phony sites that were put up on April Fools Day, because they are chemically and scientifically illiterate! We need to stop this confusion at once! No alternate names for chemicals and make sufficient scientific literacy a requirement for passing any form of school! Did you know, for example, that DHMO is just the scientific name for--"
Effect: Following new legislation in @NAME@, kindergardeners who don't know the difference between sodium lauryl sulfate and sodium laureth sulfate are held back, and those who pass grow up to reject products bearing the label "Chemical free" as literally nothing.
4. The chemist is interrupted by a boom of cannon fire; a general has had an entire artillery squadron go off in an effort to get your attention so you will listen to him. "You know, if DHMO accounts for as many deaths each year, is as corrosive, encourages the growth of harmful organisms, etc... as much as the first guy was saying, it could be an effective weapon. Just think, if we fired it at our enemies, it would corrode their ships, kill their soldiers, and made their barrack mildew-ridden faster than with any other means. If you give us a grant, we'll make DHMO our primary weapon!"
Effect: Following new legislation in @NAME@, @NAME@ has gotten rid of all rifles and machine guns in its arms supply in favor of water pistols.This entire option just highlights the stupidity of this one general. Maybe make it so that this issue is only available to nations with low intelligence stats?
I used bolding for simple corrections and bolding + italicizing for talking outside of corrections. Keep that in mind.
None of the effect lines are humorous. They don't even attempt to be surprising and are rather boring. Change that.
Overall, this issue just seems bland. It's not funny, full of alliteration, or anything else that would want to keep the average reader reading. Instead, it's just full of scientific terms that the average reader won't understand. I suggest heavily revising this to make it stand out, as well as the writing errors that I already mentioned.Mississippabama wrote:Should I submit this? It doesn't seem like I'm getting any more corrections, but does that mean that there are no more corrections to make that haven't already been brought up?
Don't. Always remain patient, as someone may be typing out a response.
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