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by Candlewhisper Archive » Mon Oct 17, 2016 9:39 am
by Candlewhisper Archive » Mon Oct 17, 2016 9:42 am
Blundering Battle Bureaucrats
The Issue
After stepping off the path in Monaster Park to take a picture of a Three-Toed Indecent Dolphin Mutant Thing, a Bigtopian tourist was subject to Candlewhisper Archive Defense Regulations Volume 4, Bylaw 8-A, Chapter 23, Section G-17-5, Paragraph 4b and was subsequently obliterated by a full battalion of Candlewhisper Archive’s finest.
The Debate
“That’s just how our glorious nation operates!” says Imogen Flanders, the Sub-Minister of Internal Affairs of the Defense of the Internal Affairs of the National Sub-Committee of Sovereign Urban Parks. “We didn’t get where we are today by letting those dirty, out-of-line foreigners trample our carefully manicured petunia bushes!” She tries to wave a copy of the Candlewhisper Archive Defense Regulations Volume 4 at you for emphasis, the sheer bulk of the tome forces her to resort to instead slamming the book onto your desk. The legs creak under the weight. “We need more safeguards against external aggression: no entry signs in multiple languages, tracking anklets issued at the border, oodles of barbed wire, and high-yield minefields! Summer tourists and all other miscreants like them are a threat to society, and if we need to have a show of force to keep them in line, by the Pantransparency we should do so!”
Accept
You can hear yelling and a rising deep rumbling crescendo of noise, then a main battle tank bursts through the doors... and part of the wall. The top hatch opens, and Colonel Aziz Blair (the officer in charge of the “apprehension” of the unfortunate tourist) pops out. “Now you listen to me, Chancellor Elect Amy Ortega, the last thing we need is more handsy-pansy suits getting in the way of our work! We should have no more requests to obliterate, signed in triplicate, sent in between 0800 and 1500 hours, sent back, queried, lost, found, subject to public inquiry, lost again, and finally discovered in the basement of Monaster Library underneath a treatise about gummy worms!” The Colonel pulls a handgun the size of a small dog from his waistband and drops in onto the regulation almanac. The legs of your desk groan. “Give the military control over how to dispose of all these pesky law-breakers. We’ve been dying to test out these new Candlewhisper Archive-made Super Obliterator 3000s, anyway!”
Accept
Your butler pours you a cup of tea, having materialized from the mysterious dimension butlers go to when they don’t want to be noticed. “It appears to me, Chancellor Elect Amy Ortega, that the problem lies within Candlewhisper Archive rather than without it. You can hardly blame people who visit our glorious cities for being in awe and thus forgetting their place and indeed, what place they are in.” He places the delicate teacup on top of the obscenely large gun and size-of-a-child rulebook. “Having too many government committees, unnecessary departments, and too many soldiers can only lead to more debacles like this. Cut the administrative overgrowth, downsize the defense forces, and possibly funnel that money into something more productive, like education, or butler salaries.” His thin mustache quivers expectantly.
Accept
The family of the dead tourist manages to climb over the armored vehicle in your doorway and into your office. The deceased’s mother, who is especially distraught, approaches you with tears in her eyes. “Why does no one ever think of the people affected by all this! We’re here to sight-see, not to get our family killed by your thugs! How does stepping off a park path even warrant deployment of a surface-to-air missile truck or a ninja team? We can’t keep on going not knowing when the next of us will step out of line and be run over by a tank! We demand an apology, a change to the law and reparations!” The distraught woman gently places a photo of her dead son on your desk, which promptly collapses.
Accept
Dismiss This Issue
Issue by The Spoopy Archipelago of Free Syllvin
Edited by Nation of Quebec
by Bears Armed Mission » Mon Oct 17, 2016 10:04 am
by Trotterdam » Mon Oct 17, 2016 10:11 am
by Candlewhisper Archive » Mon Oct 17, 2016 10:15 am
Trotterdam wrote:I would guess extremely high Defense Forces and/or Authoritarianism.
by Drasnia » Mon Oct 17, 2016 10:21 am
by Candlewhisper Archive » Mon Oct 17, 2016 3:59 pm
Drasnia wrote:I'd imagine one validity is that there has to be at least some defense forces in @@NAME@@, as I can't imagine this nation getting it. (Who would be Drasnia's finest considering there are no police or soldiers?)
Also, why you gotta tease us CWA with saying how awesome it is backstage
by Drasnia » Mon Oct 17, 2016 4:34 pm
Candlewhisper Archive wrote:Drasnia wrote:I'd imagine one validity is that there has to be at least some defense forces in @@NAME@@, as I can't imagine this nation getting it. (Who would be Drasnia's finest considering there are no police or soldiers?)
Also, why you gotta tease us CWA with saying how awesome it is backstage
Ohmigod, there's like a pool, and a hot tub, and free beer and...
by Drawkland » Mon Oct 17, 2016 7:12 pm
Candlewhisper Archive wrote:Drasnia wrote:I'd imagine one validity is that there has to be at least some defense forces in @@NAME@@, as I can't imagine this nation getting it. (Who would be Drasnia's finest considering there are no police or soldiers?)
Also, why you gotta tease us CWA with saying how awesome it is backstage
Ohmigod, there's like a pool, and a hot tub, and free beer and...
United Dalaran wrote:Goddammit, comrade. I just knew that someday some wild, capitalist, imperialist interstellar empire will swallow our country.CN on the RMB wrote:drawkland's leader has survived so many assassination attempts that I am fairly certain he is fidel castro in disguise
by Xynlandia » Tue Oct 18, 2016 9:14 am
The Issue
Your cousin’s adored pet Xylophone has died.
The Debate
1. “It would mean the world to me to have my loss properly recognised,” sobs your cousin, dabbing tears away with a gold-embroidered handkerchief. “My poor little baby deserves a state funeral. Imagine... people crying in the streets, a band playing funeral dirges on golden tubas, and my dearest little Hillary McFluff immortalised in a memorial forever... you’d do it for your own pets, wouldn’t you?”
2. “Y’know how many people this could feed?” asks roadkill-chef Khethiwe Mulder, sniffing at the carcass, and licking her lips. “And y’know how many people you’re takin’ cash away from with a big state funeral? Burying a Xylophone is a waste of good meat, and a waste of money. Y’should buy up all the dead pets, butcher them for meat, and donate the food to the poor and homeless.”
3. “No need to bury the wee beastie!” yells eccentric special effects expert Sheldon Jekyll. “I’ve been playing around a lot with taxidermy and animatronics, and I reckon if we fix up damage to the bodywork, apply some preservatives to stop the rot, install some motors and simple AI subroutines, and the little critter will be good as new! Also, why stop with pets? You miss your grandma, right? Let my company work its magic, and look who’s back!”
Issue by The Red Plain of Sammuramat
Edited by Candlewhisper Archive
by Christian Democrats » Wed Oct 19, 2016 12:09 am
Leo Tolstoy wrote:Wrong does not cease to be wrong because the majority share in it.
by Australian rePublic » Wed Oct 19, 2016 3:40 am
by Drasnia » Wed Oct 19, 2016 9:17 am
by Sedgistan » Wed Oct 19, 2016 9:24 am
Drasnia wrote:I also got option 4 this time around, which is a bit odd as the first time I didn't. It must have a weird validity.
by Naasseners » Wed Oct 19, 2016 7:28 pm
The Issue
Internet news sites and online communities are abuzz over supposed leaked nude images of you that surfaced online this morning. Amateur photo-manipulation experts have concluded that the images are fakes, but the files have already spread across the internet like wildfire. As the victim of this internet trolling campaign, it may be time for you to address the problem of faked images of this sort.
The Debate
1. “Here we have thieves and perverts, stealing your likeness and creating obscenity,” declares Lara Shiomi, a country singer of dubious talent who claims there have been more downloads of fake nudes of her than downloads of her music. “Every time I go online I see these filthy pictures. It’s humiliating, degrading, and feels like a violation of my privacy and a kind of sexual assault. I guess now you know how it feels too! I know this is hard to police, but you could at least make photo-manipulation without the consent of the subject illegal, with fines for those who break this law or who distribute these images.”
2. “Kirby Streisand agrees, but Kirby Streisand thinks that we should go further,” agrees the notorious Kirby Streisand, a staunch censorship advocate who once tried to remove all references to his name on the internet. “If it were up to Kirby Streisand, any unauthorized image, name usage, or even a likeness of a person without their permission should automatically be taken down whether it’s on the internet, the news, or any random video.”
3. “Either everything is okay, or nothing is,” refutes satirist and online columnist Melissa Castro, whilst using a clever piece of software to make a mildly angry photo of you on a bad hair day look like you are a positively psychotic murderer on the verge of going on a killing spree. “Are you going to censor the Moaning Lisa because she was painted without her knowledge? Are you going to ban a schoolboy from drawing a moustache on a newspaper photo of your face? You have no right to censor art, and photo-manipulation is art. Quite frankly, celebrities and politicians should give up their expectations of privacy. If you don’t want people drawing you nude, you shouldn’t have chosen a career that makes you famous.”
4. “Face it, you can’t stop people putting things on the internet,” suggests your tech-savvy nephew, who moonlights as notorious internet troll politichunt42. “But you can affect an image’s notability, by changing its context. Say we fake a few hundred nudes of a dozen other world leaders, and maybe some politicians and public figures you don’t like: we could make it so that your faked nudes are old news, and have everyone laughing at your rivals and opponents instead. Wouldn’t it be fun to watch them like flail around like a @@ANIMAL@@ with its head chopped off? Is it immoral? Sure, if somebody hadn’t obviously already done this to you. Can you say ‘hackers-sponsored-by-Blackacre’?”
by Candlewhisper Archive » Thu Oct 20, 2016 1:12 am
Naasseners wrote:...this should've had some option like 'that's an obvious fake, here's some actual nude photos of the @@LEADER@@'. Most of my puppets have to dismiss this issue, since they're either too liberal or too nudist for the other options, and the third one lowers Civil Rights drastically.
by Naasseners » Thu Oct 20, 2016 7:28 am
by Trotterdam » Thu Oct 20, 2016 4:26 pm
I agree with this decision. Just that nudity is legal doesn't mean everybody is on board with it. In most nations where nudity is legal, it still isn't the norm.Candlewhisper Archive wrote:Interesting you should say that. In editing, my initial thought this was an issue that shouldn't be valid for nations that are open and liberal about nudity, and I wanted to code it as such. However, the team decision was that any nation that doesn't have compulsory nudity should still see this as an issue, as even if you have the freedom to take of your clothes, it doesn't mean you should be forced to be shown nude.
Naasseners wrote:...this should've had some option like 'that's an obvious fake, here's some actual nude photos of the @@LEADER@@'. Most of my puppets have to dismiss this issue, since they're either too liberal or too nudist for the other options, and the third one lowers Civil Rights drastically.
Trotterdam wrote:Privacy is important. If you want to see our Princess naked, you can schedule a photo shoot and have her pose.
by Trotterdam » Fri Oct 21, 2016 12:31 pm
#615 Tempted By The Fruit Of AnotherYup, lots of italics.
The Issue
A Fruit Juicing Plant owned by farming conglomerate @@ANIMAL@@ Farms proved unprofitable and was closed down when everything went pear-shaped, with local employees laid off in their hundreds. A few weeks later, its former workers broke through the padlocked gates and brought the machines inside back to life, starting a collectivist @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Manufacturing Worker's Co-operative which soon turned a modest profit. Now the buildings' owners want their factory back. The workers' co-op has met the police in the streets, and things are about to go bananas.
The Debate
"This factory is mine! I have the deed right here!" yells @@ANIMAL@@ Farms majority shareholder @@RANDOMNAME@@ from the safety of a sea of well-armored riot police. "How do you like them apples? Really, it's precisely this sort of commie nonsense that is responsible for the economic downturn in @@NAME@@ to begin with! Everyone knows these lazy peasants don't have the plums to build a real enterprise. But, now that MY factory is turning a profit again, I'm happy to buy their labor! You know, at a small discount."
"Oh, so you have some quaint little deed? Who gives a fig?" asks @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, an award-winning documentary maker, while simultaneously signing copies of her new book The Shock Logo. "Why does the law protect the rights of failed business owners while leaving the workers out in the cold? Haven't these workers also invested their very lives into this factory? Life gave them lemons, and they made lemonade! Don't sacrifice their families and their lives to that bunch of sour grapes... Change the law to allow workers to take direct and democratic control of abandoned factories!"
"Look, this 'self-management' thing sounds all peachy keen, but it just plays into the same tired capitalist narrative," says red turtleneck-clad political theorist @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, while wrinkling his nose at a tattoo laden protester. "Characterizing the suffering of the working class as merely an 'investment' plays directly into the hands of the bourgeoisie. And what do a bunch of pea-brained individuals know about proper management anyway? Can one factory provide jobs for all? Clearly, the state should seize factories for the good of all @@DEMONYMNOUNPLURAL@@!"
Issue by: A Humanist Science
Edited by: Candlewhisper Archive
by Divine Cervine » Sat Oct 22, 2016 9:32 am
O Solitude!
O Solitude! If I must with thee dwell, let it not be among the jumbled heap of murky buildings; climb with me the steep,— nature’s observatory—whence the dell, its flowery slopes, its river’s crystal swell, may seem a span; let me thy vigils keep ’mongst boughs pavillion’d, where the deer’s swift leap startles the wild bee from the fox-glove bell. But though I’ll gladly trace these scenes with thee, yet the sweet converse of an innocent mind, whose words are images of thoughts refin’d, is my soul’s pleasure; and it sure must be almost the highest bliss of human-kind, when to thy haunts two kindred spirits flee. — John Keats❤❤❤
Ⓥ vegan
by Xynlandia » Sat Oct 22, 2016 1:09 pm
The Issue
On an expedition to one of the many lush forests in a distant colony, explorers have discovered a previously unknown furry four-legged marsupial. Apparently unsure of which other authority figure to turn to, they have brought the issue of naming the species to your attention.
The Debate
1. “We found this extraordinary specimen in a dense forest deep in the interior of Oogaboogaland,” begins to explain the head of the expedition, Cassidy Xxxx, proudly proffering the stuffed beastie in a display case. “It is new to us, but maybe the locals have seen it before and have a name for it. I say we just grab the first tribal native fella we come across, point to the thing, and see what name he gives it.”
2. A rather dashing fellow with a swagger stick and a pith helmet approaches your desk, followed by a train of manservants bent double under his luggage. “Well, as our great nation is in control of their savage land, and the fact that it was we who were the first to find and officially document the varmint, I say we name it something that would be more appealing to the greater Xynlandian culture.”
3. “Oh whatever...” says your Minister of Simplicity, pushing aside their glass of tap water. “Why all the fuss for an animal that has about twenty look-alikes? Why not simply step up and declare that whoever discovers a new species, it gets named after them? That would save us a lot of time!”
4. “NO!” shouts the very patriotic governor of the colony, Viceroy Tiberius Nguyen. “Don’t let this critter be named after any average Joe! It was you who the explorers have to thank for being able to go on that expedition in the first place, and it was you who established this colony for the betterment of our great nation! I say we name it after you, great some random guy!”
Issue by The Intergalactic Dominion of The Aran Empire
Edited by Sedgistan
by Trotterdam » Sat Oct 22, 2016 2:44 pm
Just as a note, this is from a particularly weird choice of capital city, and is probably just a @@RANDOMNAME@@.Xynlandia wrote:the head of the expedition, Cassidy Xxxx
Sharing a single glass of water between multiple people is unhygienic.Xynlandia wrote:3. “Oh whatever...” says your Minister of Simplicity, pushing aside their glass of tap water.
...And this is @@LEADER@@.Xynlandia wrote:some random guy
by Drawkland » Sat Oct 22, 2016 5:51 pm
United Dalaran wrote:Goddammit, comrade. I just knew that someday some wild, capitalist, imperialist interstellar empire will swallow our country.CN on the RMB wrote:drawkland's leader has survived so many assassination attempts that I am fairly certain he is fidel castro in disguise
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